Original subtitles

[Soft music plays]

[Music playing]

♪ Just the drums

♪ cool, yeah, that's good.

♪ Wake me and my head is spinning ♪

♪ wake me and my eyes are dead♪

♪ wake me on a Monday morning ♪

♪ my head will still remain in bed ♪

♪ wake me when the sun is shining ♪

♪ I wish that it would fade to black ♪

♪ if you wake me from a dream where I can be anything ♪

♪ there's no way I'm going back ♪

♪ when the day is going slowly ♪

♪ I get down on my knees and pray ♪

♪ I pray for the moon to replace the sun ♪

♪ and into my bed I lay

♪ if I had my one wish granted the night time-- ♪

[Screams]

[Whistling]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

Ah-hah. Ah.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

[Screams]

Look, if I had any other options,

I would be pursuing them.

Trust me.

You know, I don't want to work here anymore

than you probably do, you know what I'm saying?

That being said, you know, I'm in here all the time,

you know me, I know you.

Mark?

My name is ayhan.

Really?

Charlie.

Charlie.

Hello, Charlie mate.

Hello, Gary mate, you all right?

You didn't show to my birthday party last week.

That was last week?

Yeah, I did call you about six times.

Obviously, it's a bit strange celebrating on your own.

And, obviously, I'd booked the whole of lazer-quest

and it was just me and mum.

So she's pretty old so I just destroyed her.

Wow. -Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

Look, I've got to shoot but sorry.

No, it's cool, man.

Maybe we'll hang out some time.

Yeah, yeah, definitely, we should do that.

Tonight? I've got a free house,

fridge is stocked, got all the games on PlayStation.

Got a breeding pair of tree frogs.

One of them's getting quite big now.

We could have a couple of fruit ciders and wait for her to pop.

[Music playing]

I'm here about a job.

They're expecting ya in the backroom.

Really?

Oh, great.

Straight, straight through the back?

[Door squeaks]

You Charlie?

Yeah. How did you know that?

Have a seat, Charlie.

Now, as you know, we need a new driver.

Our last one run into some legal complications.

Yeah.

That- and he's dead.

Oh, great.

Well, I've got a full driving license.

Clean-- ish.

I don't have a car at the moment.

We'll provide the wheels.

Oh, great.

What about the rest of the car, right, guys?

This is a big job.

Huge.

You'll be driving with four guys, and 100 kilos of product.

Product?

Product.

Hair product?

Gel.

We'll be out there in nine minutes.

No fucking about.

Pay for the night is 10.

10, what, pounds?

Grand.

Grand?

Ok, yeah, I'm in, yeah.

All right, yeah, great.

Thank god you said hair gel because before I

was like these guys looking a bit,

you know-- it doesn't matter. It's fine.

What did you think we were?

No, it sounds silly now.

It's just, you know, it's quite a sinister vibe

you got here for a barbershop.

I like it.

But I just-- it doesn't matter.

Thank god you said gel.

It's not gel, Charlie.

It's what's in the gel.

Right.

Here comes the science.

[Screams]

Who's this?

This is Charlie, the new wheels man.

But what about the rest of the car, right, guys?

That's enough.

Welcome aboard, soldier.

I hope you drive as good as you look.

Bill, clean that mess up and bring the next one in.

Oh, Charlie.

No guns.

We're stylists.

Not gangsters.

Help yourself to product.

[Music playing]

That guy's in some kind of hurry.

I'm Charlie.

I'm here about the job.

You're Charlie.

Then who the fucking hell was that guy?

[Phone rings]

Hello, Charlie.

You saw something today that you shouldn't have seen

and you heard about something that you definitely

shouldn't have heard about.

Look, I get it, ok?

I didn't hear anything.

I definitely didn't see anything.

As far as i'm concerned, ok, you're

just a local, reputable, reasonable hair dresser.

If you run I will find you and kill you.

If you go to the police, I will find you

and kill everyone you've ever fucking

cared about slower than the earth goes around the sun.

So you see, you don't have many options here, Charlie.

Where are you now?

I'm just by my front door.

Why, where are you?

I'm at the shop.

Listen, me and you, we go back a long way, right?

Now, problem is, I've gone and locked myself out of my flat.

Bummer.

And I figured who better to help me out

with a place to stay than my old friend Mark.

It's ayhan.

What, really?

Yeah.

Oh.

Ok.

Gary, mate, please, can I crash at yours tonight?

Thought you had plans tonight.

What? No.

Oh, I mean, yeah, but I canceled them because...

I want to hang out with you.

Alright then.

How about that 40 pounds.

Ok. Fine.

Fine. Yeah. Cool.

Right, that's 20 quid.

That's literally all I've got in the world.

I see the other 20.

There is no other 20.

Gary.

Gary.

All right, look, fine.

Look, I've got the other 20 out mate.

Gary.

No, Charlie brumble, you are a horrible person.

And I am a nice person.

And friendship is nice.

And even though it might not look

like I've got a lot of friends on the surface,

I watch a lot of television, which

means that people in my position can make bonds with people

in other similar posi--

you and your brother were dicks to me always,

and I didn't deserve it because I'm nice.

My brother.

Oh, my god, my brother.

Gary, you're a genius, mate.

Gary?

Gary, mate?

Gary?

What?

Can I just have like one of those 20s back?

Please.

No.

Yeah, well, fuck you anyway, Gary, I don't need you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean--

don't you kick my door.

Oh, oh, shit.

[Music playing]

Oh, hello, it's the voicemail of rudyard brumble.

You can leave me a message, if you want to,

but I'm afraid I'm not going to be calling you back.

If it's a real emergency, I suppose

you could go to my favorite pub in monmouthshire.

And, of course, if you know me well enough,

you'll know exactly where that is.

If you don't, I'm sorry, you're missing out

on quite a gem of a pub-- well, pub slash inn, actually.

But anyway.

And if this is Bernard, fuck off.

There's no room.

You're not wanted.

You won't find it.

You won't like it.

Just stay away.

[Music playing]

[Car honks]

[Music playing]

[Music ends]

Sorry, mate.

Do you know where I am?

You're home, son.

Home, at last.

Thanks.

[Music playing]

[Music fades]

[Car horn]

Excuse me mate.

Alright?

Do you know where rudyard brumble lives?

Yeah.

Where are those fucking crates?

I'll be there now in a minute.

You married butt?

Me? No.

Take some advice, alright?

Never rush a decision.

You've never rushed anything in your whole fuckin' life.

I'll rush in there and smack you in the face

in a minute gwynys.

Oh, I'd like to see you try that you fat sack of shit you

punch like a woman.

Well, then go one more womanly quality than you then.

Rudyard brumble?

Rudyard brumble.

Go this Lane by here, now.

You'll see a stile.

Go over the stile, you see a hawthorn, it's a big hawthorn,

mind.

It is a big hawthorn.

Right?

Follow the hedge, round to the right.

Go over the little bridge.

Turn left.

Follow the cowlslip down to the woods,

and then when you get there, just

give them a shout or something.

Alight?

Did you say-- is it a hawthorn?

It's a big-- I'm coming now.

Big hawthorn. You can't miss it.

You can't miss it. Big hawthorn.

[Music playing]

[Music fades]

Greetings from London.

Yaaaaah.

Rudyard, it's me, Charlie.

Charlie?

Your fucking brother, Charlie.

Trespasser.

Nice to meet you, trespasser.

You're the trespasser.

No, I'm the Charlie.

This is tulip, my wife, life partner, and soul sharer.

It's nice to finally meet you.

Brother, Charlie.

Would you allow me to feel you?

Feel me?

Er, sure.

And what brings you to our happy camp, brother?

Have you also grown tired of city life?

Are you here to join our commune?

What? No.

No, I'm here because--

he has a dark and terrible secret.

What?

What?

[Nervous laughter]

No, I don't.

Yes.

He's being followed by a dark cloud of evil.

Oh come.

Come on, you say that to everyone.

Yes.

Sorry.

Come.

Brother welcome.

So we don't have a guest room in the traditional sense

of the word.

Uh-huh.

In that you're actually the first guest we've ever had.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.

Yeah.

So where are you sleeping?

Right there.

Ok, and where am I sleeping?

Right there.

Don't forget your blanket.

Oh, the full moon must be near.

My waters of womanhood are brimming.

What?

Really, tonight?

Yes.

Brimming up a storm.

Goodnight, brother.

Yes, goodnight.

Hoo.

Hoo.

Hoo.

Rudyard.

Yes?

I think I heard a noise.

Did you hear that?

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's just the rutting stoat in full thrust.

[Charlie] Ok.

[Rudyard] Ok.

Night.

Night then.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oooh.

Ooooh.

Rudyard.

Yes?

Can you hear that?

Just the bald crested owl in full thrust.

Nothing more.

Right.

Good night, then.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oooh.

Ooooh.

Rudyard, what-- what's that?

What animal's that?

Sounds massive.

[Tulip] A heron?

[Rudyard] It's really good sexy, heron.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

As if.

Fuck.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, don't mind me, guys.

Ah.

Ah, this is shit.

[Rooster crows]

Morning, brother.

The trees sleep for no man.

It's time for you to learn our woodland ways.

Ooh, the call of the skylark.

Marvelous. Come.

So the first rule of the forest is always pick

a good strong log.

What is this?

I'll leave you to your business.

Take as long as you need.

And, remember, a good strong log.

Whew.

Let's go.

Oh.

Rudyard.

Rudyard.

I've fallen in the poo hole.

Come on.

Yeah, wait, I've got to put my shoes on.

You don't need shoes.

The forest will care for your feet.

What, like they've cared for those fucking hooves.

Yes. I would love hooves.

Yeah, I bet you would.

Practical.

So, just open the door?

Should I just give them a squeeze?

Are they going to be ready?

I really wouldn't recommend squeezing them, no.

Just-- they'll be there. They'll be there.

Ok, I'll just go in.

Yeah. -Oh, that's ok.

Great.

Hello.

No, no.

No, no, no.

Mr. Goosey?

No, Charlie, don't--

[squawking]

How big are they?

What, geese?

They're halfway between a duck and a small tumble dryer.

What? Well, why don't you go up there then and get it?

[Gunshot]

Egg stealing hippie bastards.

Good morning, Mr. Jones.

Just collecting the eggs that I paid you for.

[Gunshot]

Do you actually want eggs?

No, let's just go.

Let's just go.

[Squawking]

[Music playing]

Can I help you?

Are you Mark?

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Rudyard.

Rudyard.

Hello.

[Thunder]

Who's there?

Rudyard?

Hello.

[Yells]

How did you find me?

What?

What?

You, trespasser, are not welcome in our forest.

Ok.

And so you must pay the price.

[Yells]

So, you will not go quietly.

Listen, whatever it is you're going through, ok, I'm sorry.

What do you mean? -What? No, i--

is that an insult?

No. -It is an insult.

No, no, no, no, no.

Is it?

No.

Yah. Yah.

[Spank]

So you are determined to stay.

Oh, look, a bee.

Where?

I don't see it.

And to think

I bee-lieved him.

You've been hiding something from me, brother.

What? No, no, no, listen, I can explain, ok?

A bar of golden Twix. -Oh.

My favorite of all bars.

I can't believe you remembered.

I am overjoyed with you.

What is that shiny evil?

It's a Twix.

Twix.

At-wix.

At-wix!

So, you know, you just listen.

[Mumbles]

I wanted that.

Lucky it's just the wrapper and not the chocolate bar.

That's lucky.

That was mine.

[Distant horn]

The tribes are called.

Did you meet someone in the forest?

Oh, yeah.

Nice neighbors you got.

Some guy just fucking attacked me dressed as a bush.

Great.

Well, this should be bloody rich.

No.

Oh, please, please, I don't know this man.

Mark. Mark. Mark.

You must have seen him in here with someone.

He's in here every day. Eh?

Er. A man, yeah.

I saw him talking to a man in here yesterday.

Yeah, that's it. His name was-- his name was Gary.

He's had deliveries from US in the past.

Yeah, he should be in the order book under--

under smelly bastard or--

or lonely smelly glasses man, or fr--.

Lonely, smelly, frog man, something like that.

Smelly, smelly no mates.

Smelly, smelly pirate no mates.

Stinky stink and the funky bunch.

That's it.

I don't know anything else, I swear.

Good.

Bye, Mark.

My name is not Mark.

[Screams]

The spirit of the rocks is pacified for now.

Well, that is good.

I, king beeswax, ruler of the tribe honey lovers.

Well that's something else.

Queen honeybee, please.

Whenever you're ready.

Great spirit, we hear your call.

Great spirit, we hear your call.

The charter clearly states that these tribal powwows should

only be called in an emergency.

This is an emergency.

I encountered a trespasser in our leafy paradise.

You didn't encounter a trespasser.

You encountered my brother.

Another brother for your faction.

No, my actual brother, as in from the same mother.

Well, not from another mother?

No, it's the actual brother.

There's-- they're from the same mother.

They look very different.

But they are brothers?

We're mother brothers.

They're born in the same hospital

the status of his mother is irrelevant.

He must leave this forest.

His presence has brought instability and disharmony

to our tribes.

My wife weeps in constant fear.

She seems all right to me.

The forest charter is very clear on this matter, brothers.

It is?

It is. Thank you, sister tulip.

Long may her flower blossom.

Long may my flower blossom.

What does the char--

I mean, long may your flower blossom, yes, indeed.

But what does the charter say?

The charter clearly states that a number of each tribes

remain the same at all times.

And I think you'll find it also states in our fair charter

that all those that sleep in the forest's embrace

must undergo appropriate initiation.

Brother Charlie will only be with US

a few days, brother beeswax.

Mighty be your hammer.

Mighty be my hammer.

He can stay as long as he wants.

Excuse me, brother.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

Will you say it?

Mighty be your hammer.

He must be initiated.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[Music playing]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

That's technically fly tipping.

It fell out the bag.

No, it didn't, I saw you tip it out.

No, no. No, no.

All right. Ok.

What happened was I was swinging the bag, ok--

you do know that this is private land. Yeah.

I mean, are you even supposed to be in these woods?

Yes.

Well, I mean, so-- I don't know.

Maybe.

You don't know?

I'm visiting.

Well, there is a bin for visitors up at the hunter's

moon pub, which is that way.

So, please, use it, or I'll have to go and get my shotgun.

What? What's with all the shotguns?

Alright I'll pick it up.

Whilst you have a new member of your tribe?

The honey lovers shall exercise their right to a new member.

This is ridiculous.

Mr. Jones thinks we're causing enough problems as it

is without any more of you lot.

Any more of you what?

He's going to kick US out of our home because

of your crazy shit, Bernard.

You call me beeswax.

You call me beeswax.

This is bullshit.

I don't know.

You move to the middle of bloody nowhere

and there's still politics to deal with.

I'll tell you, sometimes this place

is just as bad as the city.

Think you're going to have to leave the forest then?

Ah.

It's complicated.

Right, so I think we can be two, maybe three

hours tops before tulip starts to get suspicious.

So let's go.

Listen, look. If you're expecting me to wander about in

the dark like gathering horses dreams, or collecting

moonlight, or something, you can just--

I'm just going to wait here, ok?

Shut up, Charlie, all right? Give me some credit.

Give you credit? Look at the state of you.

When did you start carrying a cane?

It's a staff.

It's a stick is what it is.

And you're wearing curtains.

Walking around like a fucking Gandalf from poundland.

Look.

Ok. I stand corrected.

Welcome to paradise.

[Music playing]

Oh.

You poisoned him.

Poisoned him.

What? Who?

My husband, your brother.

You fed him alcohol and unnatural foods.

No, I didn't. I didn't give him--

all I know is that you've been here three days

and all you seem intent on doing is leading my husband astray.

All right. Fine. I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do?

Rudyard. Rudyard.

[Coughs]

If you want to stay longer in these trees,

you have to find the spirit of the woods

by eating the sacred bark of the pussy Willow.

Fine.

And-- oh, no, you--

I've got to take this seriously.

It's just that you can't--

oh.

There you go. All gone.

Ah.

It makes a paste immediately.

Morning, beloved family.

What is afoot on this glorious, loud morning?

Your brother is embarking on a spirit walk.

Ah, fantastic.

Yes, the sacred bark of the pussy Willow.

[Laughs]

Pussy.

How much did he take?

All of it.

All-- all of that.

What's wrong with that?

You're only supposed to have a tiny pinch.

He'll probably be fine.

Sweet.

I guess I'm going on a spirit walk then.

With purpose in my heart,

and a belly, full of psychedelic dogshit.

Are you the spirit of the woods?

Why, yes, I am.

And you must be Charles brumble, brother of rudyard.

You can call me Charlie.

Very well, Charlie.

Do you live here?

I live here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

And everywhere.

Cool.

So why're you here then Charlie?

Ah, you know.

I'm just here visiting my brother.

Don't lie to me, Charlie.

I'm scared.

I know you are, Charlie.

I know you are.

Why don't you take off your clothes?

Ok.

Do you like dancing?

Yeah.

[Singing]

Mud and trees, mud and trees.

Yeah.

They won't find me here, will they?

I'll protect you, Charlie.

I'll protect you.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Thank you for applying so promptly to my advertisement.

Only one of you will make it through my tough initiation

trials.

Those are the rules of the forest

as laid down by the forest charter.

You must undergo a trial by fire.

Coward.

Challenge one, survival.

Can you spend a night alone in the woods?

Can you fend for yourself and build defensive traps?

Your time starts

now.

What is it?

Um, I've got an interview tomorrow afternoon.

So, can I, pop off and then pop back.

There is no popping in the forest.

Where are you, Charlie?

Wake up, Charlie.

Wake up.

Oh, my god.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Morning.

Did you sleep in this field?

Huh?

Did you sleep in this field?

Er,

yeah, d'you know what, I think I did.

Ah, ha, ha, ha.

I think I might have--

I think I might have nodded off, actually.

Don't know what that's about.

Enjoying your stay in the woods?

Yeah, yeah, very much so.

It's very sort of--

[spluttering]

[Retching]

[Grunts÷}

hum.

Yeah.

No, I am actually, yeah, it's been--

it's been an experience.

Really looks like it.

Uh-huh.

Shh.

She's got bacon sandwiches in her bag.

Have you got bacon sandwiches in your bag?

How did you know that?

Look, listen, please, please can I have one?

I've not eaten proper food in like three days.

I'm starving.

Oh, what, you mean food like these thick cut oak

smoked bacon sandwiches with lashings of ketchup?

Yeah, exactly.

Ah, yeah. Well, I am going to eat these when--

when I get up there.

So, I guess, if you want one, then you're

going to have to get up there too.

It looks really far away.

It is.

It's a long way up that mountain, Charlie.

This is something I have to do.

Ok.

This is something I have to do.

Not now.

Did you say something?

Sorry, there was some wildlife in my trousers.

I was just fishing it out of there.

You aren't one of those perverts, are you?

No.

Ok. Come on.

[Music playing]

[Thud]

[Music stops]

I didn't think it would move that way.

You didn't think because you are weak.

Ha.

Bazingo.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I hope you like your rabbit well tenderized.

I like my rabbit dead.

I'll name you great trapper.

Thank you, king beeswax.

What are you going to call me?

I'll call you...

Little...

Biscuit.

Little biscuit.

Now, moving on.

At this stage, things are very close,

by which I mean, not close at all.

[Laughs]

[Buzzing]

They called him Ronny.

He lives in Milton keynes with his wife they met at work.

And as far as I know, Charlie hasn't seen or spoken

to him for seven years.

Gary?

Yeah?

It's not often I say this to someone

I'm torturing for information, but will you shut the fuck up?

Yeah, I will.

Do you think it's likely

he would have visited any of these school friends

when he hasn't seen any of them in the last seven years?

Then why am I hearing about the life stories

of every fucking one of them?

You told me to tell you everything I know.

I was--

ha, ha, ha.

He's got you there, tone.

Shut your mouth frank. Is there anything in that diary?

It's nothing useful.

It's actually quite sad.

You know your problem, Gary?

You have horrible hair.

Oh.

Ah.

Arggh.

Ah.

Now, if you were Charlie, what would you do?

Probably go and see my brother rudyard.

Why the fuck did you not say that?

Think of the bacon. Think of the bacon.

Nearly there, come on.

Nearly there.

You're nearly there.

You are nearly there.

And that's the halfway point.

I thought this was the top.

When does it end?

When does it end?

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, sorry, hang on.

It's that way mate.

What's happening.

You're still tripping, balls man, that's what's happening.

Hey, look at your hands, they're cabbages.

My hands are cabbages.

Yeah, sorry about that, butt.

No, just some guy tripping balls on a mountain.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

He's all over the place, stumbling everywhere.

Mm.

[Music playing]

A dinner party?

Yep. 8 o'clock, up at the farmhouse.

Will Mr. Jones be there? -Who's Mr. Jones?

He's the farmer.

What? The farmer with the shotgun, the farmer?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, my word, a dinner party.

I know, it's exciting, right?

Will Jenny be there?

Yeah, she's the one who invited US.

I've got a very positive feeling about this.

We need to get changed. Here, Charlie, drink this.

Ok.

Urghh.

Ah, again.

So how was the spirit?

Maybe a bit pervy?

He is, yes, very.

But he's actually quite a solid chap.

He knows an awful lot about card games.

Makes a mean battenberg.

The woods is no place for cowardice, little biscuit.

In you go.

Wonderful stuff.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I think we're pretty close to a decision.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Is it time for my defensive trap now?

No point. Ok. Drum roll, please.

Little biscuit, drum roll.

[Stomach patting]

The new member of the tribe honey lovers is--

man, that is a great drum roll.

Really, really impressive.

What was I saying?

You were announcing the new member of the tribe.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I was.

The new member of the tribe is...

[Stomach patting]

Little biscuit.

That is exactly the kind of drum roll this tribe needs.

What?

I'm sorry, great trapper

I just didn't feel like you wanted it enough.

Plus, you didn't do the drumming.

This is a grievous error.

I'm sorry, great trapper.

Please, king beeswax, I'm begging you.

Just give me one more chance.

My decision is final.

You.

Shit-fucker.

There's an energy in these stones.

A deep, sexual energy.

I think if they offer US any alcohol tonight,

it would be rude for US to decline it.

Just think of it like communal wine.

Yeah, rudyard, can we just, please, be as normal

as possible tonight, ok?

Of course. -Absolutely. 100%.

[Loud bell ringing]

Welcome.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

Enchanted.

[Kiss]

Fertility. -What?

Won't you come in?

Yes.

Ooh, butter.

What a lovely home you have.

Oh, thank you, tulip.

I'm afraid it's a bit of a state.

You've got normal clothes.

I suppose that means you're the one

my daughter wants to fuck.

Wine, anyone?

Oh, yes, it would be rude not to, thank you.

I'm very excited.

Um, um.

Are there any non-organic ingredients in the soup?

No, it's all from the garden.

Fill her up.

Except for the salt, of course, which

is also organic, just not from the garden.

Um.

Delicious.

Oh, oh, oh, no. Oh no.

First man down.

Oh, why did I sign up? War is hell.

There has been no peace or Harmony

since you lay-abouts moved in.

So you can either all get along, or you can all clear out.

If we simply evict the other group from the forest

and leave US to live there in peace and Harmony,

then we wouldn't have a problem, you see--

funny, that's exactly what they said about you

just a few hours ago.

They did what?

I think I can help here.

May I feel you?

Thank you for a lovely first course, Jenny.

Lovely. Lovely, lovely wine.

Shall we?

I'm so, so sorry about that.

Um what my-- what my dad said about me being a virgin, um,

it's-- it's not true.

Yeah.

I mean, not-- not that I've, like, loads.

Yeah, no, no. It's fine.

I'm, you know, not a virgin, either so--

that's very cool.

It's pretty sweet.

It's cool.

It was really good to see you again though.

You too.

Uh-huh.

It's really good to see you again.

Sorry.

Cool.

-Cool.

You're going that way, I'm going that way.

Ok.

Yeah.

I'm going to-- yeah, go that way.

Ok.

It's good to see you.

Ok. See you later. Bye.

[Distant horn]

Then what?

Is it to be war between our two tribes, brother rudyard?

Mighty be his--.

Not right now, love, not right now.

War?

Like it was when we first came to this place.

The 100 minutes war.

The horror.

No. No more fighting.

Then what?

[Queen honeybee] Don't say naked wrestling.

I'm going to say...

Naked wrestling.

If that's what it takes, then that's what it shall be.

Get it off. Get it--

guys guys guys. No one wants to see that, ok?

Let's just stop being dicks to each other.

Look, give me this.

Have either of you actually read this?

Yes, of course.

I wrote most of it.

All right.

There's a lot of pictures in this.

The woods is a visual place.

We are one tribe.

One forest.

One people.

All souls who call these woods home

must also call their neighbors brothers.

I mean, guys that's beautiful.

Have you forgotten?

No, no, it's paragraph 28.

28c. -Ok.

See, I knew it. -Yeah.

Well?

Well-- well, I do call him brother.

Sometimes.

He still goes in my pond and steals my shoes.

All right, rudyard.

It's not like you've got much choice, is it?

I mean, you must have been friends at one point

if you writ this thing together.

You know what I see when I look at you two?

I see two guys that don't have jobs

and are getting along fine.

You know, you don't realize how good you've got it.

Just sort your shit out.

Well, maybe we can try that.

You know being

Friends.

Just so that we don't get evicted, you know.

This is a momentous day.

Time for a celebration.

To the swimming pond.

Yeah.

Go little biscuit. Run to the pond.

I'm going to dunk your head in.

Wales.

All right, gentlemen, how can I help you?

We're looking for someone.

Well, in my experience, looking is very thirsty work.

So maybe pop inside for a couple of drinks and you could--

we're looking for Charlie brumble.

Have you seen him?

What do you want Charlie for?

He applied for a job within our organization

and we've been unable to contact him about his application.

He's probably up at the farm with Jenny.

And where is that then?

About a mile up the road that way.

You're going to take US there.

Right now.

This is not about a job, is it?

Nah.

The banner of peace.

The headdress of peace.

Time for the kiss of peace.

Come on.

Or, or, or.

We just have the handshake of peace.

Yeah, fine. -Ok, good.

[Music playing]

I really like your hanging sheep carcass.

That's really there.

Thank you. Yeah.

Old stinky bones.

[Music playing]

Help.

Help.

Ah. Oh.

[Panting]

They've,

they've got to-- oh, ha, ha, ha.

Oh.

They-- they've er-- ah, ha, ha, ha.

[Coughs]

They've taken Jenny hostage.

Jenny?

Some thugs.

Back at the farmhouse.

They're going to kill her.

Unless Charlie turns himself in.

Charlie? Why?

What is this?

What's going on?

Rudyard, I'm sorry.

Look, there's something I've been keeping from you.

Look, I really didn't want it to come to this, ok,

but I guess I'm just going to have to tell you

the whole damn story.

I witnessed a murder, and now the people

that did it are after me.

Murder?

Who are these murderers?

Hair dressers.

[Gasps]

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Ah.

Charlie, why didn't you tell US this?

Because I didn't think they'd find me here.

What about Jenny?

Well, I've got no choice, have I?

If I hand myself over, I'll get her back.

What about Mr. Jones, they got him as well?

He's back in the pub.

There's nobody in the bar.

It'll be absolute chaos down there.

[Music playing]

I have to get back.

Charlie, boy, you're doing the right thing.

You have to get that Jenny back safe for US

before they kill you.

[Music playing]

Charlie, are you not now my neighbor?

Yeah, I have been, yeah.

And so by the great words of the charter,

are you not also my brother?

Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.

Then we will fight by your side, dear brother.

For that is what families do.

We will teach these hair dressers that they cannot come

to our woods and take one of our own.

We will stand and we will fight.

Yeah.

Yeah, hurrah.

So what do you want US to do, Charlie?

I guess we just...

Fuck 'em up, you know.

Ok, we might need something more specific than that.

I agree with rudyard.

Right ok.

Ok.

[Music playing]

[Yells]

So, believe it or not, this is a map of the forest.

This is the farm, this is the powwow clearing, the pond,

and this is beeswax's camp.

Honey lover hq.

Precisely.

Now, beeswax, little biscuit, you're

going to be stationed over here.

Rudyard, great trapper, here.

Tulip, honeybee, you're going to be down here, ok?

It is on.

It is. Now, let's dance.

[Sinister music playing]

Looks like you don't mean as much to him

as that landlord thought.

Dry, tired, split ends.

Bit of work and you could be worth saving.

Oh, fuck you, bellend.

No, thanks.

Smells like shit out here.

[Laughing]

Did I just make a joke?

I don't like the countryside.

It's bad for me hair.

This bum's dragged me out to a flea bitten cesspit.

Find the bastard.

Cue frank.

They are only hippies.

We are gangsters.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And hairdressers, also.

Now, we are going to search these woods

for our boy, Charlie.

Hey, Toni.

[Music playing]V

well, hello, pocahontas.

No guns, frank.

How many times have you been told?

It's been a while, Charlie.

I hate what you've done with your hair.

Let Jenny go, Toni.

She's got nothing to do with this.

So cliche.

Put the bow down, Charlie, we'll let her go.

But we will be taking you.

[Music playing]

Sorry.

Put your hands on your head.

It's a shame I have to leave.

Things were just beginning to...

Hot up.

Don't want to get burnt.

[Yells]

Yah.

Ah.

You had a plan b, Charlie.

I love it.

Welcome to the countryside.

Ah.

Run, he's got a goose.

Get out of here, lads. Mind your hair.

Run for your lives.

Move you cretins.

Move.

Split up and flush him out.

Ooh-ah. Ooh-ah.

[Music playing]

[Whistle]

I fuckin' hate nature.

Hey, that's my nature you're talking to.

Eeyah. Eeyah. Eeyah.

[Slow-mo howl]

[Yelling]

[Music playing]

[Buzzing]

[Biscuit crunching]

Shh.

What was that?

Wales.

[Biscuit crunching]

Run, little biscuit.

Run.

[Music playing]

It's cold beeswax.

Don't say that, little biscuit.

I just want-- one--

more-- biscuit.

Eat.

Eat, sweet little biscuit.

Eat.

[Coughs]

[Sorrowful music playing]

[Splashing]

This is little biscuit, our newest tribe member.

My name's little biscuit of the tribe honey lovers.

Welcome, little biscuit.

[Music fades]

You just killed a man.

His name was little biscuit.

He was my tribe's colleague.

And he was my friend.

[Music playing]

Ah.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

Oh.

[Music fades]

Ah. Arghh.

[Music playing]

Ah. Arggh.

Ahh.

It's so beautiful.

[Screaming]

Arggh.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that, should you?

Should you!?

[Screaming]

[Music playing]

Ooh.

[Scream]

[Yells]

Oh, oh, oh.

It's not what it looks like.

What's going on?

One of the gangsters just started throwing Twix bars

and I was, like, ah, one went in my--

it is done.

This battle will be easily won.

[Scream]

Oh.

Oh.

Step aside, fellas.

Oof.

Ah.

[Roar]

[Yells]

Ooh.

Ah.

Stop hitting yourself.

Oh, did that hurt?

Sorry about that.

You take care of this one.

Looks like your escape plan just didn't cut it.

I'm going to have one sausage roll, and then you're dead.

[Screams]

Yeah.

[Music playing]

Oh, Jenny, I'm so sorry.

You really should be, you idiot.

Thanks for saving me, though, that was pretty cool.

Ah, where's brother beeswax?

Oh, Bernard.

[Gunshot]

Oh, shit.

I'm sure he's fine.

I don't give a blow dry if he won't come down, frank.

I've told you before, we don't use guns.

We're hair dressers.

It's what makes US unique.

Oh, fuck this, Toni.

I only got into hair dressing for the guns.

One more gunshot out of you and I'm going to Bury you out here.

Face down.

Do you understand?

Cut him down and find out what he knows.

Bill.

Wait here.

Easy peasy.

Ah.

Ooh.

Oh, this isn't going to plan.

Where's Charlie?

I'll never tell.

I last saw him on the other side of the forest.

Oh, ok, you got me.

He was by the pond yesterday.

Ah.

[Music playing]

[Screams]

Jenny be careful, it's poison.

It's hair spray.

Oh.

[Panting]

Damn, he's good.

[Yells]

I kind of like that guy.

Arggh.

Woah. You're really strong.

Unnatural, manly strength.

Ooh, ah.

Oh, you mean that Charlie.

No, i-- he said something about Luxembourg.

Oh.

Hi, there, tough guy.

Hello, there, darling.

[Coughing]

Hey, Frankie, boy.

Oh, my god.

Come here, get some franky sugar.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ooh.

[Music playing]

You two are a right pain in the arse, aren't ya?

Ok, Toni, let's settle this once and for all.

You and me.

Like men.

Attack.

[Screams] I'm ok.

Oh, this dress is new.

Jenny, you've been pinned to a tree by scissors.

If only there was something I could do.

Arggghh!

[Rock music playing]

[Yells]

[Smack]

Oh, baby, I think that's 50 points on the dart board.

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh.

Ah.

Hey, Toni, rock beats scissors.

Argggh.

Oh.

Ow.

I think you need a new look, Charlie.

A better one.

A new style.

I'm going to suggest a little bit off the top.

It's been really nice bumping and grinding with you, Charlie.

But it's about time for me to climax.

First rule of the forest, Toni.

Pick a good, strong log.

Yes.

[Music playing]

Woo.

Ah-hem.

Oh, my god.

I'm sorry.

You ok?

Let's go find the others.

Ok.

[Laughing]

Oh, that was quite a day.

[Laughing]

Oh, no but seriously guys, seriously.

A lot of people were killed today.

Some of them by US.

Well, the way I look at it, the less we all say about it,

and the quicker we Bury the bodies,

the better off for everyone.

[Laughter]

So, Charlie, now that the coast is clear,

will you be heading back to London?

I think I'll stick around a little while.

I mean, I'm part of the tribe now.

I can stay in the forest.

Or you could stay up at the farm and, you know,

have showers and a bed.

That actually sounds a lot better for me.

[Laughter]

Well, guys, I don't own this farm,

and I don't really have any say.

But you can stay as long as you like.

Hurrah!

This has actually been an amazing day.

[Music fades]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Off screen] Cut there.

[Music playing]

Happy birthday, Gary.

Having a nice time?

Uh.

Yeah?

[Laughter]

Hold me tight. Don't never let go.

[Music plays]

[Music continues]

[Music fades]