All language subtitles for Moonlighting - S01x01 - Moonlighting (Pilot)

Originally Aired
Sunday, March 3, 1985

- Jonathan.
- Sleep.

Do I know you?

Is there something
that you want from me?

I didn't see him. I didn't see him.

- Is he all right?
- I swear, I didn't see him.

He just ran out of nowhere. He-

Hey.

- Weirdo.
- The guy came out on the street.

- Okay, give me your name.
- Klaus Gunter.

- Wait. Hey, hey.
- Take it easy.

What the-?

That's it!

Andre.

What are you doing?
What is going on?

You want to know what's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on. This-

This is going on.

Good morning, Miss Hayes.
How was the trip?

- I appreciated your-
- What is all this?

Is there something going on
that I should know about?

What is he talking about?
Why is he smashing my china?

- that I would like to discuss
with you.

What do you mean?
Why are you smashing her china?

Tell her that I'm an artiste.
I do not work free.

- He says he's an artiste-
- What does he mean, free?

- No one is asking him to work for free.
- Go tell it to the bank.

The household staff's paychecks,
they all bounced again.

Bounced?
What do you mean bounced?

Oh, you shouldn't have asked that,
Miss Hayes.

Bounced. So you wanna know
what bounced means?

I'll tell you what bounced means.
Do you see this dish?

No bouncy. This is the check.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.

This.

No bouncy. This check:

- And that.
- No, Andre.

Selma.

We get the idea.

Andre, whatever the problem is,
I'm sure it's just some mistake.

That's what the accountant say,
over and over again.

Finito mistakes, Andre quit.

I'm gonna call my accountant
right now.

How long has this been going on?
Checks bouncing.

About a month,
just after you left for the cruise.

This is Maddie Hayes-

We're sorry,
this number is disconnected-

What is this?

We're sorry,
this number is disconnected...

...or is no longer-

Have Peter get the car.
I'm going over there.

Miss Hayes.

Peter quit early this morning.
He took the car with him as security.

It's all right, Selma,
it's going to be all right.

Just call me a cab
and I'll go get dressed.

Yes, ma'am. Ma'am, Miss Hayes.

- Maddie.
- Selma.

I understand.
You have family, obligations.

Besides, I'm sure
it's just some mistake.

I'm sure you're right, ma'am.

Are you telling me
that I have no recourse?

That someone can steal everything
that I've worked so hard for...

...since I was 14 years old,
and there's nothing I can do about it?

Truth, Maddie, you've been done,
you've been done good.

Your business managers
took every dime you had in the bank.

- I'm broke?
- No, no, no. You're not broke.

- It sure sounds like broke.
- Yeah, and it's gonna feel like broke.

But they only took liquid assets like
cash in the bank, stock certificates...

...things like that.
You still have other sources of income.

- Like what?
- Well, like this.

You've invested in a number of
companies. Look, there's a whole list.

- Got a dog-grooming outfit.
- Oh, Alan.

- A nail boutique.
- Tell me it gets better, say:

- " It gets better. "
- This is interesting.

A family portrait studio.

Hand me that wastebasket,
I'm going to throw up.

Oh, don't throw up yet.
You also own part...

...of a bait and tackle shop,
a dirty bookstore...

...and a detective agency.

Now, last year...

...the entire group of investments
produced $400,311?

Hey, but that's great.
I made that much?

No, you lost that much.

Apparently, these investments
were maintained as write-offs.

Oh, Alan.

Now, let's not lose our heads.
This is not the end of the world.

- After all, you are Maddie Hayes.
- What's that supposed to mean?

What it means is, five years ago you
were the hottest model in this country.

You can't tell me companies wouldn't
pay plenty to have you stand by a car...

- ... or pose in their clothes...
- I couldn't.

- ... or fondle their fridge.
- Oh, please.

Well, there are auto shows.

There are worse ways
to make a living, Maddie.

Alan, you're a good lawyer
and a good friend.

You're only saying that...

- ... because I'm loaning you my car.
- You're right.

I'll draw a check.
You'll get your car back this afternoon.

In the meantime, go home,
pull yourself together...

...and then visit every one
of these businesses.

I want you to liquidate
the ones you can.

Some of the managers
may offer to buy you out...

...but the main thing is to put them
on notice. Close them up.

You can't afford
to sustain losses like this anymore.

I don't like this, Alan.
I don't like being poor.

Poor doesn't become me.

You know, you have a very pretty chin,
Maddie. Try to keep it up.

City of Angels Investigations.
Lost or stolen property, our specialty.

You dropped it, we'll spot it.
He cheats, we'll peek.

Little one gone,
we'll find him before dawn.

No job is too big, no job is too small.
We're here to please one and all.

We're licensed
by the state of California...

...and happily accept all major
credit cards. How can I help you?

Sorry, we already subscribe.

Good afternoon.

Could you tell me the name
of the person in charge, please?

He was surrounded
and no one was in the clear.

He dribbles like mad
as he looks for a hole.

Suddenly, he sees it.

And it's up.

And it's good!
And the fans leap to their feet.

Grown men cry,
women throw underwear...

...and even as the president shakes
his hand on the White House lawn...

...he silently promises himself,
his mother and his God...

...that no matter how big he becomes,
he is never, ever going to change.

Hello.

Hello.

My goodness, Miss DiPesto,
looking a little pale today, aren't we?

- Who's this?
- I don't know. She just came in-

Now, now, no reason to be shy.

Let's see a little confidence,
charisma, Dale Carnegie.

Remember, lesson one: imagine your
entire audience is completely naked.

It boggles the mind, doesn't it?
Amscray, will you?

Terrible thing, shyness.
Believe me, I know, but don't worry.

We're gonna get her the best help
there is. Better than the best.

She's come a long way already.
Why, when I first found her...

...she was nothing but a poor little
urchin, out on the street, urchining.

- But you don't wanna hear that.
- I don't wanna hear that.

Okay. So my name is David Addison
and your name is-?

- Maddie Hayes.
- Maddie Hayes and-

- Don't I know you?
- No, I don't think we've met.

Wait a second, can't fool me.

The eyes don't lie.
Not these babies. Photographic.

See something once,
it's locked in forever.

Really? I didn't notice anything
locked in there.

Don't change the subject.
I'm a bloodhound.

- Once I'm on to something...
- That's good...

- ... I'll get it, I'll get it.
- ... but that's not-

All right, you might've seen
my pictures somewhere.

- I knew it.
- No flies on you.

Nope, there certainly aren't.
Whatever that means.

- When I came in-
- Are we talking late '7 Os?

Year's a little fuzzy for me, but I'll bet
the house that you were a Miss March.

- A Miss what?
- Miss March. A Playmate of the Month.

What, about 1976?

I can see the whole layout
in my head. You like jazz...

...your favourite movie
was Jonathan Livingston Seagull...

...you wanted to help
underprivileged kids. Am I right?

I mean, I can see
the whole layout in my head.

And if you don't mind me saying so,
you are even more beautiful now...

...here in my office, completely
dressed, almost a decade later.

- So-
- Listen, bub.

Knock that high school
locker-room grin off your face...

...or I'll knock it off for you.
I'm not Miss March...

...Miss May or Miss Anything Else.

For your information, I am Miss
Madelyn Hayes and I own this dump.

Madelyn Hayes?

Madelyn Hayes?

You're Maddie Hayes?

The Maddie Hayes,
The Blue Moon Girl?

Blue Moon Shampoo?
Sure, Blue Moon Shampoo.

The only shampoo with milk,
honey and a-

Tablespoon of moonbeams
in every bottle.

Sure. You're her?
That's you?

The girl on the bottle, from the ads,
the girl that was everywhere?

I knew I'd seen you.
God, I gotta tell you, I love you.

I mean, I have always loved you.
Really, truly. Nothing personal.

So...

...what is it
you wanna tell old Dave?

You're fired.

- Come again?
- Mr. Addison...

...City of Angels
Investigation Company...

...is wholly owned by my company,
Mad Hayes, Inc.

I've suffered some recent
financial reverses, and that...

...along with the fact that this company
has registered significant losses...

...during all of its three years,
forces me to close its doors...

- Fired?
- ... immediately.

I expect all expense accounts and
credit cards in the company name...

...to be surrendered to me
or my representatives.

And I will expect the prompt return
of all company cars.

The company car? My company car?
The Porsche? Both of them?

Real estate agents are already looking
for someone to sublet.

So the sooner
you tell your employees...

...the better it will be for everyone.

We'll honour whatever
severance agreements...

...might have been negotiated
into any individual's contract.

There will be additional
two weeks' pay for any employee...

...who isn't covered
by a severance...

- You getting all this, Mr. Addison?
- Absolutely, every word.

This isn't easy for me, either. I don't
enjoy putting people out of work.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I believe I've finished my business.

You know what's really amazing?

From the TV commercials and posters
and billboards and all that stuff?

You'd never guess
what a cold bitch you are.

Hey, let's get together
and do this again sometime, huh?

Time has come to go,
to pack our bags and blow.

To hit the street,
until next we meet.

Until then, it's on with the show.

I'm gonna miss working for you,
Mr. Addison.

You were the most fun boss
I ever had.

Hey, hey, hey, I wasn't kidding.

This guy's landing on his feet.
The word's out out there.

I've already had five calls on my
private line from other agencies...

...begging me to come over.

And you know
as soon as I get set up somewhere...

...I'm gonna be hiring
everybody back.

But I'll understand if you can't wait.

You take care.

Hayes residence. No, I'm sorry,
she's not here right now.

Well, my name is David Addison and I
have something important to discuss...

...with Miss Hayes
about her financial affairs.

You wouldn't know where she is,
would you?

Pressing?
Yes, I'd say it's pressing.

As a matter of fact,
I'd say it's crushing.

A lot of people don't realize that plastic
surgery is not a 9-to-5 profession.

I mean, take myself,
I'm never really off duty.

I look at a person crossing the street,
standing next to me in the market...

...all I see is where to nip, where to
tuck, where to rebuild, reshape...

...add, subtract. It's hell.
My mind never really shuts down.

When Dr. Freedman told me he knew
an almost symmetrical woman, I said:

"That's better than a ticket to Bermuda.
You've got to give me her name. "

Are you having fun so far?
You're not saying anything.

- I'm speechless.
- That sounds good. I like that.

Have you ever eaten here before?
The light is very flattering.

Excuse me, reservations for two under
the name of Spellner, Dr. Spellner.

By the way, I could take care
of that thing under your chin...

...in about 15 minutes in my office.

- This way, doctor.
- Thank you.

Oh, look at that.

Blow. Go, go. Deep breath.

- All right.
- What did you wish for?

I'm not supposed to tell.
You know that, Mom.

- Oh, she's not supposed to tell.
- Don't tell.

- I wished everything for my birthday.
- Oh, you did?

Grandpa, it's for you.

- I want Jennifer, okay?
- Okay.

Heinz.

- Are you having cake tonight?
- Yes.

- Give me the flower.
- Everybody wants the flower.

- Hello.
- I got it.

- I gotta get rid of it.
- Tomorrow night, as we had planned.

What makes you think
people are following you?

Very well, then, an hour from now.

And we've got a nice big slice
for Grandpa, how about that?

- Oh, boy.
- You give that to him.

Grandpa, we saved you a piece
with a flower.

Thank you, darling. I'll have to
wrap it up and take it with me.

- Why, Grandpa, why?
- That was the alarm company.

Someone broke into the store.

- Oh, no.
- What is it?

God had the right idea with lobster,
don't you think?

Just a good, hard, tough shell.

Dr. Spellner, I have
a telephone call for you at my desk.

- Oh, my.
- They said it's most urgent.

Urgent. Damn. I'll be right back.

I'll be here.

Who's the geek with the phoney tan?
Don't be alarmed.

The good doctor is being
called to Our Lady of Ladies...

...in Pasadena where
a nose job has suddenly gone south.

Seems his colleague
slipped at the moment of truth...

...and now, his patient
can literally blow in her own ear.

- Oh, wow, lobster, my favourite.
- What are you doing here?

I just came by to return
my company cars and to tell you...

...you're making
a big mistake closing-

If you don't leave this table
this instant, I'll scream.

That would bring the geek
back here, wouldn't it?

Tell me about him. I hope you two
aren't planning anything serious.

- You're the most aggravating person-
- That would be a waste.

The guy- The guy is obviously
not from this planet.

Now, I'm willing to wager, and we're
talking considerable money here...

...that the guy
wears bikini underwear.

- Good night.
- Tell me you know.

- Tell Dr. Spellner I'll be back.
- Break my heart.

Deny the man blows bubbles
with his drool.

Simply true or false.
Of course, he does.

Do birds fly? Do ducks duck?

- I just wanna talk to you.
- But I don't wanna talk to you.

Good evening.

I was wondering
if I might convince you to pull over.

So that my friend and I can discuss
a certain wristwatch with you.

Shut up.

Oh, forgive me, is this conversation
making you nervous?

Well, there's nothing
to be nervous about.

Get out of here!

Shut up. Shut up!
Get out of here!

I just want to make it clear
that all we're asking for...

...is an opportunity to negotiate
for the wristwatch.

I'm well aware that the man
you work for wants it very badly.

All I'm asking for
is a chance to talk.

Now, that's not too much to ask for,
now, is it?

- Was it something I said?
- Stop sneaking up on me.

I come all the way down here,
change the underwear, tie the tie.

Do you know how much it cost
to park here?

You won't even talk to me?

- Okay, talk.
- Listen. I understand.

You're having financial difficulties,
but that is no reason to close us down.

Do you know how much money
you lost last year?

That's because
we're supposed to lose money.

It was our job to lose money.
We lost money great.

Now, you say make money,
we're gonna make money great.

- This is ridiculous.
- I'm a terrific detective.

Nothing in your work record
indicates that.

Excuse me, I have extraordinary
credentials and experience.

- Let's talk about Yale and Princeton.
- What about Yale and Princeton?

Couple of great schools.
Let's talk about government training.

- Let's talk about Vietnam.
- You were in Vietnam?

I could have been. I came very close.
Look, all I need is one case.

One big case.
And with you, your celebrity-

- Please.
- With your reputation...

...I'd get the case,
we'd both have what we want.

Good night, Mr. Addison.

Maddie, just awful news.

There's been a medical emergency,
and I'm afraid I have-

- Doctor.
- Hello.

David Addison. I'm a
business associate of Miss Hayes.

Small world, isn't it?

I'm here with the family, celebrating
Patty getting her braces removed.

I was gonna say, " Let's pull a couple
tables together and get acquainted. "

- But looks like you gotta go, huh, doc?
- I'm afraid so.

I feel just terrible
about leaving you like this.

- Let me come with you.
- You seem to be in good hands.

The best.

- Please.
- I know, we were starting to hit it off.

Listen, I've already paid
the captain...

...why don't you stay
and enjoy your dinner?

- Carl.
- I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm sure you will.

Lovely man.

- Where were we?
- You were fired and I was leaving.

I'm really sorry to hear you say that.
We would have made a terrific team.

- Looks like nobody's home.
- Seems to be going around.

Yo.

Give it a chance.
We're a long way up.

- You really want to get away from me?
- You can't begin to know.

- What's so funny?
- You.

- You need me, Maddie Hayes.
- I need you to leave.

You need me to live, lady.

You are one cold, icy broad.
You got your nose so high in the air...

- ... it's snowing on your brain.
- Great salesman.

You need somebody like me around.
I'm fun.

- When was the last time you had fun?
- I have lots of fun.

- Tons of fun.
- With who, Dr. Gumby?

- The knucklehead you were with?
- Leave me alone. Do you hear me?

I don't want to be a detective with you.
I don't want to have fun with you.

But most of all, most of all,
I don't wanna talk with you.

Hey, I can take a hint.

Maybe you wanna take the night
and think about it?

Excuse me?

We are talking major weird, here.

Thank you, but I already have a watch.
No, thank you, really. Really.

- Gotta be cooties the size of oysters.
- It's very sweet, but, no, thank you.

Would you please stop touching me?
Let go of my hand! Let-

Let go of my hand.
No, thank you!

Addison.

- Addison, why is he doing that?
- Gravity?

Oh, that's gotta hurt,
falling on your nose like that.

Oh, my God.

- We should call somebody. Really.
- What is that over there?

I can't see.

I didn't know you guys are
gonna be taking x-rays.

So you say you never met this fella,
Klaus Gunter, before this evening.

Nope.

- Ever heard of Jonathan Kaplan?
- Good-looking guy. Who he?

Died this morning in a traffic accident.
Your friend, Gunter-

He was not my friend.

It was just a casual thing.

He was lonely,
I was on shore leave...

...the elevator doors opened,
he threw himself at my feet.

Happens to me all the time.

And you have no idea
how the knife got in his back?

- Well, I suppose somebody put it there.
- Just answer the question.

And what if I don't?

This is America, isn't it, fellas?

I am entitled to one phone call,
am I not?

- The phone is right there.
- Thank you.

What do you guys like
on your pizza?

Guys, it's okay, it's on me.

No, no, no, it's no big deal.

I'll lend you the album,
you make a tape and get it back to me.

Miss Hayes, there's a few questions
we'd like to ask you.

Nothing to it, kid.
Bunch of pussycats.

- I told them you're my partner.
- I am not your partner.

I'm not his partner.
I don't know or like this man.

I would greatly appreciate it
if you locked this man up.

We're not gonna hold that
against her, are we, Joe?

Woman's been under a lot of stress.

Look at that lower back.
Tense, tight. Kind of nice, though, huh?

Okay, guys, here she is.

Miss Hayes, may we ask you
just a few questions?

Mary Hart
with Entertainment Tonight...

...standing outside
the Los Angeles Police Department...

...with Maddie, Madelyn Hayes...

...probably best known to you
as the Blue Moon Shampoo girl.

She's just been released
following questions...

...relating to the apparent murder
of Klaus Gunter...

...in a downtown restaurant.

Miss Hayes, you are denying any
involvement in tonight's incident.

- I'm sorry, this light is so bright.
- I know, it's very bright.

Is it true that you
and a professional investigator...

...are forming your own detective
agency and your first case will be...

- ... to solve the Klaus Gunter case?
- My first what?

I understand that there are rumours
regarding the Blue Moon Agency.

- All right, Blue Moon!
- Care to make a comment?

Stick around,
there's going to be another murder.

People, cut, print, ship.
That's a wrap!

Let's take that.
Really, you're beautiful.

I love you, don't ever shave.

Addison!

Hey, what about the murder?

- Miss Hayes. Miss Hayes, wait.
- Addison!

Addison.

- Addison!
- He's not in here.

I want you out of my life,
do you hear me?

- Let's not say things we don't mean.
- I mean it.

- Out of my life.
- One little TV crew.

That's what all the fuss is about?
One little TV crew?

Have you ever seen this show?
Very nice, very tasteful.

All the stars are on there.

A man was murdered. He was
stabbed to death right in front of me.

So?

You're right.

You're 150 percent right.

I wasn't thinking about you
or about how you felt.

I was thinking about myself...

...and how to maximize the situation
for my own benefit.

Dumb.

Very dumb.

And I'm very sorry.

I'm gonna go now.

Out of this garage
and out of your life.

- Here I go.
- Goodbye.

- This is me going.
- Good.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Yes, please. I'd like the number
of Imperial Taxi.

Before you jump to conclusions,
I want you to know...

...this is really your car, not my car.
I'm out of your life.

Didn't wanna see you stranded out
here in the middle of nowhere.

Of course, now I'm stranded out here
in the middle of nowhere.

- Get in.
- I love it when you beg.

Feel free to use the car to drive home.
I'll have someone pick it up tomorrow.

Miss Hayes, I feel like I'm leaving you
with the wrong impression of me.

Mr. Addison, don't think me rude,
but I've had a hard day.

I woke up this morning to find that all
of my money had been stolen from me.

I went to visit a business I own
and was called a bitch...

...by a person I'd never met before.

I went out to dinner
and got to watch a man die at my feet.

Then, I was driven downtown
to be questioned by the police.

I've had TV cameras, microphones,
not to mention the likes of you...

...poked in my face.

So please forgive me, but I'd like
to go into my own house, alone...

...and take about 45 sleeping pills.
I hope you understand.

It's nothing personal.
I just hate you.

You know, I respect you so much
for telling me that.

Great. Now beat it.

Hey, you wanna hear
something weird?

There's a guy pressing
the barrel of a gun...

...into the small of my back.

I think it will speed things along
considerably if you know who I am...

...and what I am about.

I am a businessman.

Just like the corner grocer...

...or the gentleman who runs
the local car dealership.

I am interested solely
in my bottom line.

And just like the corner grocer...

...or the gentleman who runs
the local car dealership...

...I will do anything...

...to protect that bottom line.

You with me so far?

Good.

Well, tonight...

...my bottom line hinges
on getting the truth...

...out of the two of you.

The truth about what?

About a wristwatch.

Yes. I am told
that a certain wristwatch...

...accidentally landed
in your hands.

Now, you should understand
that there are...

...a number of people
who want this wristwatch very badly.

Who are willing to kill to get it.

See, it's your good fortune
that we met first.

So you can give me the watch...

...and be spared
any additional discomforts.

But we don't have it.
I gave it to the police.

And?

There's no and. That's it.
I gave the watch to the police.

What's so funny?

What is so funny
is that I almost...

...believe you.

Why is that funny?
Why does he think that's funny?

You should believe me.
I'm telling you the truth.

Do you know why it's funny?

Because you don't know
what is and isn't true.

You're going to assume
that she's lying to you.

And you're probably
going to apply duress.

- Duress.
- Duress.

You're probably
going to keep applying it...

...until she tells you
what you wanna hear.

Why, that's very good.

I couldn't have done it without you.

But I really did give it to the police.

But how do I know that?

Grab the gun, Maddie. Come on!

David.

- What do I do now?
- Pull the trigger.

Come on, what are you trying to do,
bore me to death?

That's six.

You did it.
You missed the barn.

- How's your jaw?
- Fine.

Plenty more where that came from.
Just makes it easier to floss.

Now...

...if there are no further objections...

...why don't we adjourn
to the kitchen?

The kitchen.

Marvellous. I'm starving.

Incredible, the effect of heat
on animal flesh.

On human flesh.

Oh, but you probably can't feel
the heat sitting way over there.

Allistair...

...bring our two friends closer...

...so they might experience
firsthand this phenomenon.

Get away from us.
What are you talking about?

About a wristwatch.

Now, if I take the two of you
and apply some-

What did you call it?

- Duress.
- Duress.

And I ask you again.

Where's the watch?

I swear to you,
I gave it to the police.

Think carefully.

I'd like to take this opportunity to
initiate a discussion about fried foods.

That's the only answer.
There is no other answer.

I'll make something up
if you want...

...but, the truth is,
the police have the watch.

Oh, Allistair, I think our friends
have caught a chill over there.

I swear, I gave it to the police!
I swear it, I swear it!

I swear it!

All right. A vegetarian.
My kind of guy.

All right.

You say the wristwatch
is with the police.

I have many friends there.
That will be easy enough to check.

If it's not there, however,
I will be back.

And if I return,
it won't be to threaten you.

It will be to kill you.

Have a pleasant evening.

I have never been so scared
in my entire life.

- What are you doing?
- Untying you so you can untie me...

...so this horrible night
will be over.

So that you can leave
and I can go to bed...

...and wake up in the morning
and start life all over again.

There.

Now you untie me.

Would you untie me, please.

This may be a good time for you
and me to have a little chit-chat.

- Addison, you better untie me.
- No, I don't think that would be...

- Right now.
- ... a good idea.

- It's not quite over yet.
- It's not quite over?

It's all over.
I gave the watch to the police.

Mr. Simon, whoever the hell he is,
will go to the police...

...they'll give it to him, it'll be over.

- I gave it to them.
- No, you didn't.

- I didn't?
- Got any booze?

I did, I know I did.
I was there, I saw me do it.

- Here, I want you to drink this.
- David, I gave-

No, as a matter of fact,
you gave them the watch...

...my grandmother gave me
for graduating high school.

Switched watches on you
when I grabbed your purse...

...at the station.
I had it all the time.

You maniac!
You almost got us killed.

The only thing keeping us alive
is that we got the watch.

I don't believe you.
"One big case, that's all I need. "

Deny you said that.

He was gonna make
a skin omelette of my face.

What do you think
he would have done-?

- You did this so we'd work together.
- Are you nuts?

Sure, I want you as partner. For your
name and your money, not you.

Like I want a blond ball
of fluff following me-

A ball of fluff?
You are calling me a ball of fluff?

You? The sissy fighter?

- What did you call me?
- Sissy fighter.

I wish you could have
seen yourself.

Didn't anyone ever teach you
how to throw a real punch?

Real men don't punch like that,
they put their body into it.

- You, you punch with your wrist.
- All right, already!

Now, you listen to me.
I don't care what you think.

These guys are killers.
They're gonna come back here.

- We gotta leave.
- I'm not going with you.

You're not going anywhere
until I untie you.

And I'm not gonna do that
until I am sure you are calm...

...and that you understand
the situation.

- Now, are you calm?
- I'm calm.

- You don't look very calm.
- I'm calm and I understand.

- The muscles in your face look tight.
- I'm calm.

Looks like a charley horse
in your cheek.

I'm calm!

Okay.

I'm gonna take you
at your word, then.

I'm gonna untie you now.

Maddie, que ser� ser�,
what will be, will be.

Like it or not...

...it's you and me, kid.

That's how you throw a real punch.

Yeah.

I'm really looking forward
to working with you, kid.

I figure we could each take a couch.

I even think there are a couple
of blankets in here somewhere.

I love sleepovers, don't you?

From the company picnic.
We used to throw a great picnic.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm just surprised you didn't try
to take me to your place.

I think I'm insulted.

Would you have gone for it?

Of course you would have.

You want to call anybody
and let them know you're okay?

Your boyfriend or something?

- Please.
- What?

It's just that I haven't heard the word
boyfriend since the eighth grade.

Excuse me. Forgive me.

If you want to call your gigolo,
be sure and dial nine first.

Back at my house,
that was very brave, what you did.

Stupid, but brave.

She's very hostile
when she hasn't had her nap.

I am not hostile.

I'm just exhausted
and uncomfortable.

And still a little scared.

- Do you have a plan?
- Absolutely.

- What's it like being so pretty?
- You're changing the subject.

- I am? I thought you were the subject.
- You and your plan are the subject.

- You don't have a plan, do you?
- Are you calling me a liar?

I'm not calling you anything.
I'm just looking for some assurance.

Some sense
that someone is in charge here.

That someone has sat down, thought
about this predicament we're in...

...and arrived at some idea
as to how we can get out of it.

- I've done all that.
- And?

There really are moonbeams
in that stuff, aren't there?

You think this is all terribly funny,
don't you?

Madelyn, get it straight.
I'm the best.

You better be.

- If you need anything-
- I won't.

Okay, the key to the case
is the watch. Agreed?

- Agreed.
- So we have to figure out...

...what makes the watch valuable.
Agreed?

- Agreed.
- So obviously, what we need...

...is an expert in the field of value.

- It's a pawn shop.
- You peeked.

- Three dollars.
- Thief!

- Three dollars?
- The man is a thief.

There must be some mistake. Look,
you said yourself, it's one of a kind.

Yeah, a worthless one of a kind.

You ever look at this thing?
It's not even really a watch.

It's got no hour hand.

It's got no stem
for setting the time.

And my guess is,
just from what it weighs...

...that it's got no works in it. Nope.

- Looks like it never did, either.
- Explain that.

"That. " It's an adjective.

I'll use it in a sentence for you:
"That cow jumped over that moon. "

- Go ahead.
- The inside of the back is damaged.

Someone etched numbers in.

- Numbers?
- Yeah.

- The plot thin-ens.
- We're risking our lives...

- ... for a worthless watch.
- Not worthless.

- What about the numbers?
- What?

- Well, maybe it means something.
- Like what?

- I don't know.
- You don't know much, do you?

Expert in the field of value.

- Did I say something?
- She's strange.

She doesn't get out much.

Hey.

- Forgive me.
- How did you get in here?

I didn't mean to startle you.
I used the back door.

At my age,
the walk from the parking lot-

Yeah, yeah.
What can I do for you today?

Two young people were just in here
asking about a watch, perhaps.

- A watch, perhaps. Yeah, that's right.
- Tell me about it, the watch.

When I came in the back door,
I thought I overheard you mention...

...there were numbers
etched in the case.

- Yeah.
- Do you remember the numbers?

I remember they were there.
Do I remember what they were? No.

- Can I show you something else?
- What were the numbers? Think.

Think? I ain't got time to think.

I'm in the business to make money.
Come on, old man, move it. Enough.

The numbers!

The numbers.
Tell me the numbers!

He showed me a brooch today...

Hello.
Is there anyone here to help us?

Mr. Dorfman? Customers.

Are we not talking?

Why am I always the last
to know these things?

Maddie, mysteries don't all fall
into place one, two, three, boom.

Now we know the watch isn't a watch.
What does that mean?

I don't know what that means.

- It's worthless.
- It must mean something...

...and that's important. Maybe
the numbers inside mean something.

Maybe that it doesn't have
an hour hand. I don't know.

All I do know is that
you have to trust me.

Trust you. Trust you?

People fire you
and you make googly eyes at them.

Men try and fry your face
and you make jokes.

You seek out the expert advice
of pawnbrokers.

You talk with your mouth full,
don't signal when you turn...

...and you don't even have a plan.

- Are you through?
- No, I am not through.

I would like to know
how someone like you...

...someone with no obvious facility
for deductive reasoning...

...no knowledge of business
administration...

- ... a sissy fighter-
- Are we gonna start that?

How does someone like that get to be
head of a detective agency?

- Now what are you doing?
- Tell him you want the morning paper.

Morning paper, please.

You don't want some magazines?
It's not like we have a lot to do.

Turn to the obituary page.

Shopping for a funeral home,
how appropriate.

See if there's anything listed
for a Jonathan Kaplan.

The police said Jonathan Kaplan
had been hit by a car...

- ... early yesterday.
- Kaplan, Jonathan.

Husband of Susan,
amateur pilot...

...passed away after having been
accidentally struck by a car-

And that the only witness was our
buddy at the elevator, Mr. Mohawk.

- at Mount Sinai Memorial Park.

- Sounds suspiciously like a plan.
- Me? Plan? Couldn't be.

Everybody knows, I have no facility
for deductive reasoning.

I can't even walk and chew gum
at the same time.

Dumb David, always chomping on his
feet, blowing bubbles with his shoes.

Me? Plan? No.

- I'm sorry.
- No, you're not.

I don't even know if there's a
connection. I'm just grasping at straws.

Keep grasping.

You looking for me?

Susan Kaplan?

Who wants to know?

Okay, here we go. Lesson one:
getting people to open up is tricky.

Now, let me handle the interview.

Hi. The funeral director said
we could find you here.

- My name is David-
- I know you.

You used to be on television.

Hi, I'm Maddie Hayes, and this is
my business associate, David Addison.

I know this is a difficult time for you,
Mrs. Kaplan.

I guess you're thinking, "She doesn't
exactly look like the grieving widow. "

I guess she isn't.

Mrs. Kaplan, we were wondering if you
know anything about a strange watch.

- With one hand and no stem?
- We're collectors.

Watches from all over the world.

My great inheritance.

I don't have it.

Johnny was wearing it
when the car hit him.

Police say they don't have it.

They claim
he wasn't even wearing it.

But he always wore two watches.

The one his father left him
didn't even work.

Isn't that funny?

His father was a watchmaker,
a clockmaker.

He passed away about a month ago.

It's been a terrific month
in our family, folks.

Strange thing for a watchmaker
to leave his son.

Strange? Johnny's dad?

He was a flyer in the Second World
War. He got shot down over Germany.

He used to tell a story.
How, just before the war ended...

...this Nazi who could see
the writing on the wall, asked him if...

...when he was released,
he would smuggle...

...4 million dollars in diamonds
from Germany to America.

Well, anyway, the way Johnny's dad
used to tell the story...

...when this German officer
finally made it to America...

...to claim the diamonds,
he stiffed him.

He hid these so-called diamonds
someplace, some secret place.

You sound like you don't believe it.

No flies on you.

Somebody has to tell me
what that means.

Hey, I have eyes.

The guy lived in a little tiny house.
He drove around in a 10-year-old car.

Never missed a day of work.

If there were any diamonds in his life,
I didn't see any proof of it.

Try telling that to Johnny.

He was sure his old man had these
diamonds hidden in a vault someplace.

He was gonna outwait this Nazi.

Even if it meant never seeing
any of the money himself...

...even if it meant leaving
everything to his son.

So my Johnny
never had a regular job.

Oh, he piloted sometimes,
but mostly...

...he slept, he jogged...

...and waited for his old man
to kick off.

- Which he did about a month ago.
- Sure did.

You know, a week after he died,
a guy comes to the door.

A collector, like you two.

Offers us $5000 for this watch.

Five thousand.

I mean, it's not like his father
left us anything else.

Not even the money
to bury him with.

Johnny won't sell. Oh, no.

Sentimental value, he says.

Well, let me tell you...

...I could use 5000 sentimental dollars
right about now.

The man who came to your door,
the collector...

...is a tall man, dark hair,
about 35?

Not even close.
This guy was 65, if he was a day.

" Mrs. Kaplan, could you tell us
about a strange watch...

...with a little black mouse
and two round ears?"

You swore on your application
you'd never done this.

This is really about
4 million dollars in diamonds.

If you believe Kaplan's father-in-law.
And I do.

- What do we do?
- Beat them to the diamonds.

Right. Do you know how to do that?

- Do flies fly? Does Spock beam up?
- Do you know where they are?

I think I can safely narrow it down
to a planet.

For what it's worth, I don't think
anybody else knows, either.

Otherwise, they'd be chasing them
instead of-

Otherwise, they'd be chasing them
instead of what?

Us.

They'd be chasing them, not us.
If I ask you to do something...

- ... would you do it without asking why?
- Why?

Withdraw the question.
Let's just get out of the car.

Let's just both leave the car.
We'll rent a car. We'll get a cab.

- Excuse me?
- Get out of the car.

- But why?
- Nothing to get upset about.

It's just that-
And now, I don't want you to look.

- but there is a dead man
in the back seat.

There is?

How do you know?
I mean, how do you know he's dead?

It's either that or the man wears
an obscene amount of blue rouge.

- Told you not to look.
- What do we do?

- We walk away.
- Leave him there?

He won't hold it against us.
It's a signal...

- ... to say they're on to us.
- Who?

- I don't know.
- It's over.

- What are you talking about?
- Me as a detective.

- Maddie-
- Over! I'm gonna do what I wanted.

Go to the police
and give them the watch.

You can't do that. You wouldn't.

- This is my big case, our big case.
- Watch me.

- Pay phone?
- It's in the back.

Think about
what we found out so far.

- We're this far from-
- Dying! We're this far from dying!

I've known you less than 48 hours,
and in that time...

...I have been driven from my home,
watched a man die...

...and had a stiff in my car.
I've had it.

I don't wanna die with my throat slit
or a knife in my back.

- You need a drink.
-911. 911 Emergency.

I'm gonna call the police,
I'm gonna give them the watch.

Yes, police. May I speak to
someone in authority, please?

Yes, it's a matter of life and death.

No. No one is threatening me
right at this moment.

- Yes, I'll hold.
- Here, drink this.

- What is it?
- Kamikaze, to take the edge off.

Maddie, think about
what you're doing.

It's gotta be the numbers.
I'm sure of it.

We figure them out,
we find the diamonds.

- I'm still holding.
- Another Kamikaze.

- Are you trying to get me drunk?
- Take the night to think.

A good sleep on a nice firm sofa.

- Who are you calling?
- Taxi.

I won't spend another night
in the office.

I'm gonna go to the Bel Air Hotel
to sleep in a good bed- Hello.

Could I please have the number of-?

David, it's over.

Give me that watch.

Bartender, call the lady a cab,
will you?

I'll call the police from my hotel.

- You gonna be okay?
- Sure.

- I guess I'll wait for my cab outside.
- Wanna dance?

- What?
- Dance.

You know, dance.
You, me, here.

Now.

This isn't a place people-
People don't dance in a place like this.

- Come here.
- I'm not gonna change my mind.

I know that. I just wanna get
one dance with you, that's all.

This is weird.

Weird, yes,
but destined to catch on, you'll see.

Soon, people will
be dancing everywhere.

I don't think I've ever danced
in a place like this before.

It's like all the big clubs.

- It's who you know.
- It's who you know.

Can I ask you something?

Anything.
My life is an open book.

I'll discuss anything
except me and the president.

Do you really think I'm cold?

- Did I say that?
- Twice.

I didn't say that.
How could I say that?

You, cold?

I'm burning up over here.

The cab is out front
waiting for you, ma'am.

The cab is out front
waiting for you, ma'am.

You would have told me,
wouldn't you?

If you thought I was cold.

Sure, I would.

For what it's worth...

...dead bodies and all,
I did have fun.

Tons of fun.

See you later.

See you later.

Yeah.

Later.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

We'll help you solve your case.
We'll help you find your mate.

If it's answers you need,
we're eager to please.

From stuff that's been took,
to people who rook.

We're on the case,
a smile on our face.

We're an agency with class,
we really move our-

Oh, my God.

It's her. Look who's here. It's her.

- Miss Hayes.
- Where is he?

I don't mind telling you
how much we little people...

...appreciate you getting involved-

- Three cheers for Miss Hayes.
- Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

- Good morning.
- You stole it from me, you rat.

- You look angry.
- Angry?

- Why are you angry?
- Why?

I heard the kids singing.

- They think you're great.
- You will rot in jail.

- You'll love it here.
- When you're done...

- ... you'll rot in hell.
- You see the mauve office?

- One of my favourites.
- Give it back!

Can't do that, Maddie.
Can't give it back to you.

I'm too close to cracking this.

- I can't let you do that to our future.
- Our future?

There is no our future.

There is my future and your funeral
if you don't give me back that watch.

Now, Maddie, put that down. You know
you're not gonna do anything with it.

Boy, certainly are a lot
of unamused people down there.

- You shouldn't have ducked.
- Okay, okay.

No more office supplies, listen.

- I got something better than the watch.
- Oh, yeah?

I know how to find
where the diamonds are.

- How?
- It's like I said last night:

The answer is in the numbers
inside the watch.

Okay, so I steal the watch from you,
I come back in here...

...and start feeding
numbers into the computer.

I don't know what to look for,
but I'm so close, I can smell it.

The computer starts generating
all kinds of numbers.

Telephone numbers, nothing.
Starts generating zip codes.

I start to get discouraged.
The computer assigns a letter...

...of the alphabet to each number
and generates words.

- What does the word " poopla" mean?
- Poopla?

I don't mind telling you,
I'm starting to feel pretty low...

...exhausted, I fall back in my chair,
delirious. I begin to babble.

"Where can the diamonds be?"
I cried. Now I'm looking at my globe.

I look at these numbers go by, these
little numbers all over the globe...

...and I remember something
Susan Kaplan said.

She said her father-in-law was a pilot.
She also said her husband was a pilot.

- Don't you get it?
- No, I don't get anything.

Latitude and longitude.
That's how pilots find their way.

The numbers are latitude and
longitude of where the diamonds are.

The pawnbroker was right,
it isn't a watch...

...it's directions
from one pilot to another.

- I'm totally lost.
- Precisely, that's why we need a map.

- Map room?
- In there.

Do you know
what you're looking for?

A good woman, fast car...

...and this.

The northwest corner
of Ninth and Broadway?

I think this is significant.

The tension mounts,
the suspense builds.

So now that we're up here,
what do we do?

I say the rocks are in the clock.
I'm climbing up to find them.

Are you sure? It's awfully big
when you're standing next to it.

Think so, huh?

Hickory, dickory, dock.

- Hey, this isn't so bad.
- Oh, really?

- No, not really.
- Are you all right?

Don't worry, I'll get it.

Men have all these slippery hormones
that women don't have.

Makes climbing a lot harder.
You know that?

- Nope.
- The further you evolve from apes...

...the less climbing you do and the
more slippery hormones you get.

Not that women are any less evolved,
it's just, well, you did come second.

I mean, first there was man
and then there was woman.

So I figure we're about 15 minutes
ahead of you guys, evolution-wise.

You believe that?

- Nope.
- Good girl.

Pardon me, Mr. Wallenda.

What are you doing?

All right.

You're looking great, kid.
I'm right behind you.

Don't look back and try and see me.
Just know that I'm right behind you...

...and, yes,
I am looking up your dress.

Okay, now I'm up here.
What do I do next?

Just do a little boogaloo
out onto the minute hand there...

...and look around the number nine.

That's where the hand
on the watch points.

All right, Maddie. Looking good.

Very impressive.

- It's okay. Don't panic, don't move.
- What do you mean, don't move?

I'll be right back.

Where are you going?
Don't leave me up here alone!

Hang on!

Hang on, Maddie!

- David!
- All right, stay calm.

Don't tense up. Don't think about
what you're doing. Listen.

We're gonna sing a song now.
Here we go.

I don't hear you singing.

What do you mean, singing?
Get up here and get me off this thing.

Sing louder!

Come on, Maddie, grab on to the ladder
and come on down.

I'm afraid to move.

Don't be afraid.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

What do you mean
there's nothing to be afraid of?

Don't tell me
there's nothing to be afraid of.

- Hang on, Maddie!
- Don't let me go-

Hang on tight, Maddie.

Now, listen, I want you to turn around,
and whatever you do, don't look down.

Hang on, Maddie,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

- I want you to give me your left hand.
- Closer, you've gotta get closer.

- You've gotta let go.
- I'm afraid to let go.

Trust me, I won't let you fall.
Now, just give me your left arm.

Okay. Good. Good.

Now, crawl over me.

Watch the jacket!

Good.

David.

Diamonds.

Thank you both, very much.

Be so kind?

Come and get them.

Don't be foolish, young man.

If I pull this trigger and you die,
I'll still have the diamonds.

Wouldn't we both rather
I avoid that unnecessary step.

Please.

Maddie, a little help.

Like I said, Pop, come and get it.

- You gotta be yanking me.
- You didn't think I would do it.

You wait 40 years to be rich...

...you'll do almost anything.

- Don't do this.
- I have no choice.

No!

No!

This is crazy. Don't do this.

- No!
- If you please.

No! No!

David! David!

Hold on!

Don't let go.

Don't fall. Come on.
Don't let go.

I can't hold on much longer.

Come on, hang on.

So, what was so urgent?

Well, it wasn't anything
really that urgent. It's just that...

...well, in light of everything
that we've been through together...

...I would just like to formally
restate my proposition.

You, me, business.

- Sugar?
- Three.

- I don't know.
- What's not to know? It was great.

It was terrific.
We make a terrific team.

With your name and reputation.

I'll just have to think about it.

I get it.

- Cream?
- Please.

I know what you're thinking.
And I just wanna tell you...

...that this case has been
a real growth experience for me.

I'm a different guy. I've changed.
I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking about
all the crummy things I did to you.

I ruined your date
with Dr. Face Fixer...

...Entertainment Tonight,
stealing your watch.

Well, that was the old me.

That was the me before I realized
the value of a partner.

A real partner. A person
you can depend on with your life.

You don't play with people like that.
You don't lie to people like that.

And you don't put pressure
on people like that.

David, I told you, I'm just going
to have to think about it.

- How long do you have to-?
- At least a day.

A day? A whole day?

Why don't you think about it now?

I'll go in other room,
I'll read the paper again.

David, it's a very tempting offer...

...but I'm just going to have to have
another day to think about it.

A day.

You're right.
A day is not an unreasonable request.

A day?

A day.

So, what you mean
is same time tomorrow, right?

Yes. I guess so.

Yes. I could give you an answer
the same time tomorrow.

- Right here, here we go.
- People.

There isn't gonna be
any statement today...

...but if you could all be back
tomorrow at the same time...

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