Original subtitles

I'm a bit worried about Dad's present not turning up in time.

It's his birthday tomorrow, he's meant to be coming round.

He'll understand.

I know, but it's such a good present idea of yours,

I want him to have it on his actual birthday.

Have you got anything planned for tomorrow?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

OK, well, I'll be back in the evening.

Please just don't burn the flat down.

I won't.

Let's just see if this is too big.

I'm running late. Calvin's already gone through.

It's better to find out now than at the check-in.

It fits.

Are you actually serious?

You're making me late for my first business trip.

Oh, great.

Now I can't wheel it. What am I going to do, just push it about?

Just hold that a minute.

What are you...?

Oh, my God.

Everyone's looking at you.

You don't do that... You need...

Get up. Get up now. Please get up.

- You all right there? - We're fine.

Come on, you stupid thing!

Bit of fun, ain't it?

- Your costume's much better than mine. - Yeah, I know.

And that's why I'm going to win best costume at the convention.

And meet the Doctor.

- Who you meant to be, anyway? - A Weeping Angel.

- It's pretty obvious. - Oh, yeah, now you say it.

How'd you do the armour?

Just cardboard...sprayed silver.

Clever.

You know me, I love knocking up a costume.

Some old lady on the bus asked why I was dressed as a witch.

I said, "Do witches have wings?

"Well, do they? Do they?!"

Well, at least if you don't win the competition,

you get to meet Doctor Who.

And I'm sure she'll appreciate you trying.

Oh, damn.

Those leggings are so futuristic.

Are they Jemma's?

No. Got 'em online.

Right, now listen. About Jemma.

She doesn't know where we're going today.

She can't find out. She wouldn't understand.

She'd think we were nerds.

Nerds? Nerds?

This is a chance to meet the real Doctor Who.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Come on, mate.

Now, we really need to get going because the real nerds

- will already be queuing. - Yeah.

Jemma.

- Hi, Jem. You all right? - Yeah, really good.

We're just about to go into the meeting.

Have you still got no plans today?

No.

I'm staying home doing nothing all day.

Perfect.

It's just that I've got a delivery text

saying Dad's present's coming today.

- What time? - Uh, hang on.

Between 10 and 6.

What? That's all day.

Yeah, I know, but you said you're not doing anything today.

Well, yeah, but, I mean...

I can't miss it. He's coming round tonight.

All right, I'll wait in for it.

Thanks, babe. I'll be back tonight.

Oh, and make sure the flat's tidy before Dad comes round.

- Thank you. - Yeah. See you later.

Have a good meeting.

- I love you. - Love you!

- Hear that? - Yeah, I got the gist. Sorry, mate.

Although...

..looks like the Weeping Angel's in with a chance again.

As soon the package comes, I'm heading down.

Yeah. Good luck.

I better get going.

Yeah. Get on your broomstick. It'll be faster.

- Have fun waiting in. - Yeah, don't you worry, it'll fly by.

Come on.

Ah, ha-ha, great.

- Take the package? - Yeah, my package.

No, it's for number 20. They're not in.

- Have you got anything for flat B? - I've only got this, mate.

Can you take it and I'll put a card through the door?

- Yeah, all right. - Cheers. Nice one.

My duck.

You like that?

"You all right?" "Yes."

"You, go over there."

"Looking for a mate.

"Its mate will return

"from a business trip."

"Hi. Come over. Come over here."

"Hello."

"Here...is the other jellyfish."

You got a package of mine?

- What? - Sorry.

My missus is away,

and she's got me waiting in for a package all day.

- Away, is she? - Yeah.

That why you're wearing those?

Oh, no, these are part of a whole costume.

- Really? - Yeah. Cyberman.

Meant to be going to that Doctor Who thing in town,

but I can't go until the package arrives.

It's nothing to do with me

what you get up to when your partner's away.

Sorry, hang on a minute. Um...I'm not up to anything.

Ok.

If you don't believe me, I'll show you my helmet.

No, you're all right, mate.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Just coming!

One minute! One minute!

One minute!

One minute!

One minute!

- What's up? - All right, mate? I've missed the package.

Is it still going on?

- Nah, it's pretty much all done and dusted now. - Really?

Gutted. What was she like?

Jodie? Like, honestly, she was perfect.

I'll send you some pics now.

All right, mate, I'll speak to you later.

Yeah, see you later, mate.

Yeah.

Er, sorry?

Yeah, it should be about this big, maybe a bit bigger.

Um, just looking for a safe place.

To do what?

Well, they've delivered my parcel. I dunno where they've put it.

No. Sorry.

- Oh, hi. You've landed? - Yeah. I'll be back in about an hour.

- Have you got the package? - Yeah, I've got the package, it's here.

I'm just wondering...

..where's your safe place? Just in case I need to know.

In the future.

You have got the package, though, right?

Yeah, it's been delivered. So your safe place is...?

Right.

I just tell them to leave it

behind the wheelie bins round the back.

That's... Clever place.

Yeah, good to know, good to know.

All right, well, better go. See you in a bit. OK.

- I love you, bye. - Right, bye.

Here, we don't have to take stuff

that's left beside bins, you know.

Have you seen my package?

I've had a delivery, they've left it there,

you must have taken it.

- It's in the truck. - Oh, no, no!

Have you done the crushy thing yet?

Not yet.

Oi, what you doing?

I need to get it. It's really important. Please.

- Please. - Hang on.

- Go on. You got two minutes. - Can I borrow your gloves?

Yeah!

Oh, come here. All right. Cheers, mate.

Thank you, mate!

Welcome home, ba...

Never washing this hand again.

It touched a Time Lord.

Oh, Coops.

The thing with Jodie is,

you know, she just gets me.

You know what I mean? She just...

- OK. - She just gets me.

Jemma's going to be back any minute.

She can't see you like this.

You're going to have to go.

It's like we had this instant connection.

She saw my costume and she was like,

- "Aw. Bless!" You know? - Yeah, yeah.

- OK, you gotta go. - I said to her, "You know what?

"Finally a bit of progress in this country, yeah?

A female Doctor Who."

She was like, "Too right." I said, "Too right indeed."

"Do you know what's free, right?

Yeah? A female James Bond."

Loved it. Lapped it up.

- Right. - Lapped it up. At that point,

I felt like we were on a roll.

- Coops... - I thought, "Well, what's next?

- "A female Prime Minister." - Yeah.

Jemma's coming, you've gotta go.

Just gotta pick up my paper mache.

- Quick as you can. - OK.

I can't stress this enough, mate.

- I'm really pleased for you. - All right, OK, I'm going.

You gotta go.

- What's your problem? - Because Jemma's coming...

Come on. Jemma'll be home any minute. She can't see you.

All right, all right. What's the big secret?

She needs to know what we're into.

- There's no shame in this. - Just go.

She wouldn't understand. I'll call you later.

- OK. Make sure you do. - I will.

So, tell me all about it. How was it?

Yeah, it went really well.

Calvin said I was impressive.

Nice work, babe.

That bloke next door said something a bit weird to me.

Something about you having a visitor.

What? There's been no-one round here.

So I'm not going to find another woman's clothes in the bedroom?

No.

- But that bloke is a bit weird. - Yeah.

- Guess what. - What?

- The package has arrived. - Oh, my God.

- And it's actually signed by actual Bobby Moore? - It's pretty cool.

Was it nightmare waiting in for it?

Nah.

What has happened to it?

It stinks!

The binmen accidentally put it in the lorry

- and I had to climb in the back and get it. - What?!

We can't give it to him like this.

Looks like Bobby Moore's puked on it.

- Smell it. - I can smell it.

Can't we just spray it with deodorant or, like,

- air freshener or... - No, we need to clean it!

Be careful.

It's only water. Signature's in permanent pen.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

- You've rubbed it off! - Well, YOU made me do that.

We can't give it to him like this. Look!

That's just a ball with a smudge on.

"Happy Birthday, Dad. Here's your inky smudge ball."

- Good one. - Well, it doesn't smell any more, that's something.

- What are we going to do? - Um...we could...

- ..fake...Bobby Moore's signature. - What? No.

Yeah.

OK. Can you remember what it looked like?

No. But...

..we could google it.

It's all about that squiggly bit at the end.

Oh, he's on his way. We need to hurry up.

- I think your ones are better. - OK.

You hold the ball.

- OK. Yeah. Keep it still. - Yeah.

Here we go.

Wait! Don't mess it up because that's definitely permanent pen,

and we've only got one ball.

Ok.

You've done it.

- That is perfect. - That's pressure. Phew. Yeah.

- OK. You wrap it up, I'm going to sign the card. - Right.

That was Auntie June used to wear the big fur coats.

- She was MY auntie, your great-auntie. - Happy birthday, Chris.

- Leslie. You didn't burn the place down, then? - No...

You've given away what it is now.

Sorry. But you could see it was round.

He might have thought it was a bowling ball till you dropped it.

- Ah, sorry. - You got me a football?

Well... It's not just any football, Dad.

All right, give it here, then.

It was all Leslie's idea. I had no idea what to get you,

and he tracked it down and paid for it all himself.

- Really? So what is it? - It's one-of-a-kind.

There's not another one like this in the whole world.

- Not signed, is it? - Have a look.

Yeah, look at the autograph.

Yeah. No! It is, this is Bobby Moore!

Yeah!

That is an official match ball signed by the real...

Bobby Moore.

Get out of it! This is amazing!

- And it smells so nice. - Yeah, smells nice.

No, you've gone above and beyond here, guys.

Hope you didn't spend too much on this.

Chris, we're just really grateful

that you're paying for the wedding, so

it was the least we could do.

- You deserve it, Dad. - Come here.

I'm going to have a cup of tea. Cup of tea?

- Yeah, yeah, tea. - All right.

I've got to do some washing.

Oh, Jem... You...

- Why don't you...? I'll do that. - Really?

Yeah, yeah, with your dad, yeah, chat.

What a great idea for a present. Do you know what, Jem?

I think I've been a bit hard on Leslie.

He's a good bloke.

I know.

I wouldn't be marrying him if he wasn't.

I love him, Dad.

I'm going to go and have a word with him.

- Leslie. - You all right, Chris?

I've just come in to say I think I've been a bit unfair on you.

- Oh, you haven't. - Yes, yes.

This was such a thoughtful present,

and I know you went to a lot of effort.

Right...

Hang on.

Whose are these leggings?

They...

This is... You didn't... Why did you...?

Hang on.

Fine.