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And now, the last finalist,
2
00:01:02,849 --> 00:01:08,345
three-time champion
Charlyne Phuc.
3
00:01:14,060 --> 00:01:15,856
Excuse me.
4
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:19,593
Ah!
5
00:01:19,632 --> 00:01:22,430
First word: Logorrhea.
6
00:01:27,473 --> 00:01:28,997
Logorrhea, um...
7
00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:32,272
L-o-g-o-r-r...
8
00:01:32,311 --> 00:01:36,475
w- wait...
9
00:01:38,984 --> 00:01:40,475
Logorrhea...
10
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,081
like diarrhea, but different.
11
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I mean, they're both
kind of like a spray,
12
00:01:49,028 --> 00:01:52,394
but logorrhea,
that's a spray of words
13
00:01:52,431 --> 00:01:53,956
from the mouth, you know?
14
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,696
And, like, diarrhea,
which is also a spray,
15
00:01:57,736 --> 00:02:01,571
but it comes
from a different orifice.
16
00:02:01,607 --> 00:02:03,700
What in the world?
17
00:02:03,743 --> 00:02:04,937
Ugh.
18
00:02:09,215 --> 00:02:11,808
Fuck, am I, like, way off?
19
00:02:13,286 --> 00:02:14,912
There is breaking news tonight
20
00:02:14,953 --> 00:02:17,080
from the State Spelling Bee
Championship
21
00:02:17,122 --> 00:02:19,557
as Morgan High's own
Charlyne Phuc has been arrested
22
00:02:19,592 --> 00:02:20,922
for drug possession.
23
00:02:20,959 --> 00:02:22,791
Phuc has admitted
using marijuana
24
00:02:22,829 --> 00:02:25,389
during her three-time
championship run
25
00:02:25,431 --> 00:02:28,332
in order to assist her mortal mind
26
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:30,527
in accessing
the dictionary inscribed
27
00:02:30,569 --> 00:02:32,503
in the fabric of the cosmos...
28
00:02:32,537 --> 00:02:34,471
And that no one would have noticed
29
00:02:34,506 --> 00:02:37,499
if she hadn't been so buttstonked.
30
00:02:40,178 --> 00:02:43,171
Shh.
31
00:02:44,683 --> 00:02:47,346
Shut up, Dave.
32
00:02:47,386 --> 00:02:49,250
Sh... shut up, Dave.
33
00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:57,058
The wind blows cool
across my face...
34
00:02:57,095 --> 00:02:58,926
Dave, take my weed.
35
00:02:59,931 --> 00:03:03,594
I can smell the taste,
a trace of lace
36
00:03:06,105 --> 00:03:08,902
There's something
sinister in place...
37
00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:12,637
- Hold his feet.
- I am, Dave.
38
00:03:12,677 --> 00:03:15,168
- Dave, roll that shit.
- I am, Dave.
39
00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:19,774
- Holy...
- Fuck.
40
00:03:19,819 --> 00:03:22,218
Hey, Mom? I got some
MIT scholarship stuff that I filled out.
41
00:03:22,254 --> 00:03:23,744
If you could drop it in the mail,
I'd appreciate it.
42
00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,848
Honey,
I clogged the toilet again.
43
00:03:25,891 --> 00:03:27,916
The plunger should be
under the sink.
44
00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:29,153
- Where?
- The back.
45
00:03:29,194 --> 00:03:32,219
- Oh, I... I got it.
- All right, thanks.
46
00:03:34,065 --> 00:03:36,761
- I love you.
- My mind slips further
47
00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:38,325
From what's real
48
00:03:41,172 --> 00:03:44,801
Take my hands away
from the steering wheel...
49
00:03:47,212 --> 00:03:50,374
I'm crashing,
coming down in waves
50
00:03:50,414 --> 00:03:54,078
And wipe the sweat
from upon my face
51
00:03:54,119 --> 00:03:59,079
And it's a perfect day
to leave this place...
52
00:04:00,659 --> 00:04:02,422
- Ooh.
- It's a perfect day
53
00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:04,894
To hide down
in my own home...
54
00:04:04,930 --> 00:04:06,420
What the fuck?!
55
00:04:06,464 --> 00:04:08,954
Watch where
the fuck you step, Henry!
56
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,332
Watch where the fuck you step!
57
00:04:14,471 --> 00:04:16,906
It's a perfect day
58
00:04:16,942 --> 00:04:18,876
To waste away...
59
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,845
Your perfect part to play...
60
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:26,840
Just another perfect day,
but before you know, it's gone...
61
00:04:28,986 --> 00:04:31,887
It's a perfect day to waste away
62
00:04:31,922 --> 00:04:34,584
- Your perfect part to play...
- Shit.
63
00:04:34,625 --> 00:04:39,996
Just another perfect day,
but before you know, it's gone.
64
00:04:46,671 --> 00:04:49,333
Oh!
65
00:04:51,809 --> 00:04:53,333
Bravo, fuckers.
66
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,970
"I swallow. "
67
00:04:56,747 --> 00:04:58,647
Shut up.
68
00:04:58,682 --> 00:05:01,549
D- Dad. No...
69
00:05:01,585 --> 00:05:03,645
- It won't happen again. I promise.
- I expect you to pay
70
00:05:03,688 --> 00:05:06,020
every last penny
of my deductible.
71
00:05:06,057 --> 00:05:09,321
In the meantime, you can spend
this afternoon in detention.
72
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,191
Yes, sir.
73
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,998
- Come along, Martin.
- Yes, Daddy.
74
00:05:21,672 --> 00:05:23,197
Hey.
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00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:25,936
Hey, Breaux.
I hit Dr. Gordon because of you.
76
00:05:26,944 --> 00:05:28,673
I shouldn't have to pay
for his car, man.
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00:05:28,712 --> 00:05:30,202
All right, well, tough shit.
I mean, you're the one who crashed
78
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,044
- into that butthole Gordon.
- To avoid hitting you!
79
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,141
News flash: Wearing headphones
while driving is against the law.
80
00:05:34,184 --> 00:05:37,551
You know, I don't think I should take
behavior advice from a burner flunky.
81
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,488
- Ouch, dude!
- Yeah, well, why don't you take
82
00:05:39,523 --> 00:05:41,389
your science-fair,
national-scholar status
83
00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:42,825
and cram it up your asshole?
84
00:05:42,861 --> 00:05:44,623
You know, Breaux...
85
00:05:44,662 --> 00:05:46,893
Yeah, thank you.
86
00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:49,727
Way to be a hambro.
87
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,668
It wasn't like I made him crash into
that man-whore's piece-of-shit car.
88
00:05:52,703 --> 00:05:54,330
That's what that scrotum
89
00:05:54,371 --> 00:05:56,100
skin tag Gordon gets
for teaching his fat little clone
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00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:57,471
how to give a hand job.
91
00:05:57,508 --> 00:05:59,942
Rollinon 12s, son.
92
00:06:02,246 --> 00:06:04,771
Aw, come on.
93
00:06:04,815 --> 00:06:07,079
He's behind you!
94
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:11,622
What?
95
00:06:13,089 --> 00:06:14,682
You know what
the problem is here, Brandon?
96
00:06:14,725 --> 00:06:17,717
Why our average GPA has dropped
97
00:06:17,761 --> 00:06:20,059
three times in as many years?
98
00:06:20,097 --> 00:06:22,725
Uh, the Internet?
99
00:06:22,766 --> 00:06:25,360
The sticky green.
100
00:06:25,402 --> 00:06:28,097
The cannabis sativa.
The sinsemilla.
101
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:30,129
Marijuana?
102
00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:35,805
Which is serious stuff.
103
00:06:35,846 --> 00:06:38,371
Dangerous stuff, so I hear.
It's a gateway drug.
104
00:06:38,415 --> 00:06:41,282
Hop-heads like Travis Breaux
have been a thorn on my side
105
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:43,377
ever since they came here.
106
00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:46,617
That little prick has caused me
more pain than you know.
107
00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:51,753
- My cat...
- Yeah?
108
00:06:52,796 --> 00:06:55,161
...developed an abscess on her face.
109
00:06:55,198 --> 00:06:57,497
I rushed her to the vet
emergency room,
110
00:06:57,534 --> 00:07:01,264
but their nitrous oxide tank
had been stolen.
111
00:07:01,304 --> 00:07:04,001
They later tracked the culprits down
112
00:07:04,041 --> 00:07:08,568
to the home of one Travis Breaux.
113
00:07:08,611 --> 00:07:11,809
Without anesthesia,
I had to pin Dolly down.
114
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,578
She scratched my face, my hand.
115
00:07:14,617 --> 00:07:16,711
I developed a terrible infection.
116
00:07:16,754 --> 00:07:18,687
It's called "cat scratch fever. "
117
00:07:18,721 --> 00:07:20,279
My stool became
118
00:07:20,323 --> 00:07:21,814
incredibly painful to pass.
119
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,850
I lost weight, but gained body fat.
120
00:07:23,894 --> 00:07:25,485
I was a mess.
121
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:30,124
Then I heard my wife telling
her friends that I looked lousy.
122
00:07:35,272 --> 00:07:38,707
My attorney advised me against
taking any sort of action.
123
00:07:38,741 --> 00:07:42,643
No evidence to press charges
against Travis Breaux,
124
00:07:42,678 --> 00:07:46,638
but I knew... I knew
he was responsible,
125
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:49,674
breathing in that laughing gas filth.
126
00:07:51,454 --> 00:07:54,719
They call it "space surfing. "
127
00:07:56,592 --> 00:07:59,790
Where do they come up
with all these clever names
128
00:07:59,830 --> 00:08:01,922
for recreational drug use?
129
00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:07,729
Roasting a bone,
candy flipping,
130
00:08:07,769 --> 00:08:09,931
banging down a stiff loosey.
131
00:08:09,972 --> 00:08:12,701
A stiff loosey...
132
00:08:13,843 --> 00:08:16,505
I haven't heard that one.
133
00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:20,243
When a woman from
a sordid underworld social circle
134
00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:24,084
inhales powdered cocaine
off of some loser's erect penis
135
00:08:24,121 --> 00:08:27,749
and then doses acid
off of his testicles...
136
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,121
I think it has something
to do with the Beatles.
137
00:08:34,831 --> 00:08:37,891
Now, they ruined our nation...
138
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,198
drugs, fornicating,
139
00:08:40,236 --> 00:08:43,501
a grown man singing
about his feelings.
140
00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:46,236
It's time we win this war,
141
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:49,072
expunge this school
of all dope fiends.
142
00:08:56,586 --> 00:08:58,952
So I've created
a hybrid compound
143
00:08:58,988 --> 00:09:01,218
with a resistance two times that
of regular silicon.
144
00:09:01,257 --> 00:09:03,225
Used as the basis material
for electronics,
145
00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:04,749
it would provide
increased protection
146
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,057
against power surges,
magnetic waves.
147
00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:09,188
This is an electromagnetic
pulse generator.
148
00:09:09,231 --> 00:09:11,792
Actually, could everyone
take a step back?
149
00:09:12,968 --> 00:09:16,496
It's a localized pulse, but it will fry
your laptops, your hard drives.
150
00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:20,373
It'll kill your cell phones
if you're too close.
151
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,675
Tick, tick, tick.
152
00:09:30,051 --> 00:09:31,951
So as you can see,
the motherboard
153
00:09:31,987 --> 00:09:35,185
manufactured by my compound
is the undamaged one.
154
00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:04,343
Shit.
155
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,881
Bitter after taste of reality?
156
00:10:08,924 --> 00:10:11,757
You come to see
how the other half lives?
157
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:18,697
- Boy: Mr. Thompson here?
- He went looking for you.
158
00:10:20,568 --> 00:10:23,731
Hey, fool, that's my shirt
you got on.
159
00:10:23,772 --> 00:10:25,968
I gave it to Goodwill last year.
160
00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:31,478
Fucking hobo.
161
00:10:32,514 --> 00:10:34,004
Don't trip, Rubin.
162
00:10:34,049 --> 00:10:36,643
I'm sure he washed
your dad's cum off of it.
163
00:10:36,685 --> 00:10:38,516
What the fuck you just say to me?
164
00:10:38,553 --> 00:10:41,148
I said I'm sure he washed
your dad's cum off of it.
165
00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:44,717
Or did some dry up in your ears?
You should clean them fuckers out.
166
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,284
Try an ear candle, yo.
167
00:10:46,329 --> 00:10:50,856
Rubin?
Why aren't you in your seat?
168
00:10:50,899 --> 00:10:53,696
You know, we could have
a little Abu Ghraib action here,
169
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:56,260
or we could watch our video.
170
00:10:56,304 --> 00:10:58,067
It's your call.
171
00:11:01,910 --> 00:11:04,277
I'm just gonna go ahead
and sit down.
172
00:11:04,313 --> 00:11:06,506
Good choice.
173
00:11:09,684 --> 00:11:12,618
It's all ready. Just hit play.
174
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:19,151
Everybody, pay attention.
175
00:11:19,194 --> 00:11:20,752
And no talking.
176
00:11:20,795 --> 00:11:23,286
With his parents
out of town for the weekend,
177
00:11:23,331 --> 00:11:27,427
Bob bends to the pressure
of his peers to be somebody
178
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:29,561
and smokes a joint.
179
00:11:29,603 --> 00:11:32,539
That's street talk
for a marijuana cigarette.
180
00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:35,667
Bob lights up and takes a drag.
181
00:11:35,709 --> 00:11:39,544
What he doesn't realize is that
this seemingly harmless act
182
00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:42,744
will bring the walls
of his reality crashing down.
183
00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:58,224
Is this your idea
of getting jiggy with it?
184
00:12:05,874 --> 00:12:09,673
Applesauce 10 times a day.
185
00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:10,837
How are you feeling?
186
00:12:10,879 --> 00:12:13,472
- This video eats my balls.
- Word.
187
00:12:13,514 --> 00:12:16,609
Dr. Gibson,
you're wanted in lobotomy room 7.
188
00:12:16,651 --> 00:12:19,711
Dr. Gibson to lobotomy room 7.
189
00:12:24,592 --> 00:12:26,889
It will also help fund terrorism.
190
00:12:26,927 --> 00:12:31,023
I only really want to blow things up
when I'm high.
191
00:12:34,402 --> 00:12:36,733
Think about it.
192
00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:42,301
Engage. Smoke 'em.
193
00:12:46,913 --> 00:12:49,576
Henry.
Henry, hey, hey.
194
00:12:49,616 --> 00:12:52,210
Look, I'm sorry.
I drive like shit when I'm high.
195
00:12:52,252 --> 00:12:54,220
You were high at 8:00
in the morning?
196
00:12:54,254 --> 00:12:56,119
Yeah, of course.
I'll help you pay for it, all right?
197
00:12:56,156 --> 00:12:57,647
I'll float you some casheesh.
198
00:12:57,692 --> 00:13:01,024
Well, thanks, man.
199
00:13:01,061 --> 00:13:04,929
I'm sorry about
the whole burner, flunky thing.
200
00:13:04,965 --> 00:13:05,988
Oh, no.
It's all good, you know.
201
00:13:06,032 --> 00:13:08,160
- I get worse from my dad, so...
- Right.
202
00:13:08,202 --> 00:13:10,761
- Yeah.
- How's he doing?
203
00:13:11,972 --> 00:13:13,064
Who's he doing?
204
00:13:13,107 --> 00:13:15,302
He's probably balls deep
in some Jell-O mold as we speak.
205
00:13:15,342 --> 00:13:19,073
Right.
So, um, this is me.
206
00:13:19,113 --> 00:13:20,705
Obviously.
207
00:13:22,950 --> 00:13:24,884
Hey, you remember
how I caught you jerking off
208
00:13:24,918 --> 00:13:26,715
with Bengay
when you were, like, 12?
209
00:13:26,753 --> 00:13:29,152
- Yeah.
- Aw, yo, that shit must have burned!
210
00:13:29,188 --> 00:13:30,486
- Yeah, that's funny.
- I told everybody, and you ran off
211
00:13:30,524 --> 00:13:32,287
in the woods like some
fucking cracked-out Hobbit.
212
00:13:32,326 --> 00:13:34,226
- Yeah, no, no. I remember.
- Yo, there were helicopters
213
00:13:34,261 --> 00:13:36,388
- looking for you and shit.
- I remember the helicopters.
214
00:13:36,430 --> 00:13:37,954
I was always wondering what the fuck
they were saying to each other.
215
00:13:37,998 --> 00:13:38,987
- Think about it.
- Really?
216
00:13:39,032 --> 00:13:40,330
"Uh, looking for the kid
217
00:13:40,368 --> 00:13:41,595
who just jerked off. Over. "
218
00:13:41,635 --> 00:13:43,330
"Did he just come? Over. "
219
00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:46,634
"Negativo, Ghost Rider.
Looking for a case of blue balls. Over. "
220
00:13:46,672 --> 00:13:49,072
It was like a scene from "The Fugitive,"
but with a naked kid.
221
00:13:49,108 --> 00:13:51,669
Yeah, that's not really proper
pilot speak, but I guess...
222
00:13:51,712 --> 00:13:53,872
I'm just saying we had
some good times.
223
00:13:53,913 --> 00:13:56,348
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
224
00:13:56,383 --> 00:13:58,374
The hell happened, do you think?
225
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:02,018
High school.
226
00:14:04,192 --> 00:14:06,317
Yeah, no doubt.
227
00:14:08,227 --> 00:14:10,991
Hey, look, you know, I was driving
by the old 'hood yesterday.
228
00:14:12,265 --> 00:14:14,496
You remember that tree house,
that lockbox we built?
229
00:14:17,003 --> 00:14:19,097
Yeah, sure. Still there?
230
00:14:20,107 --> 00:14:21,870
Wanna go find out?
231
00:14:24,912 --> 00:14:27,938
- Awesome.
- Oh, my God.
232
00:14:27,981 --> 00:14:30,642
What?
233
00:14:30,683 --> 00:14:34,085
Oh, man, all this shit was
so important back in the day, man.
234
00:14:34,121 --> 00:14:35,644
- Look at these.
- What?
235
00:14:35,688 --> 00:14:37,680
- You look like a fat Billy Ray Cyrus.
- Yo, wait, man.
236
00:14:37,724 --> 00:14:40,487
We should be fucking high for this.
237
00:14:43,363 --> 00:14:45,455
This is pharmaceutical-grade
Hindu Kush.
238
00:14:45,498 --> 00:14:47,227
What? Do you have
a prescription for weed?
239
00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:51,431
- You don't?
- What? What does that...
240
00:14:51,471 --> 00:14:53,199
You haven't gotten
high before, have you?
241
00:14:54,507 --> 00:14:57,033
You're afraid you're gonna end up
ripping down big loads
242
00:14:57,077 --> 00:14:59,510
in a cave
with the Shoe Bomber?
243
00:15:04,017 --> 00:15:07,747
Getting high, it's... it's like freedom.
244
00:15:08,754 --> 00:15:12,690
Smells, tastes, feelings...
245
00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:17,924
they all become, like,
four-dimensional.
246
00:15:17,964 --> 00:15:19,592
When everyting irie,
247
00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:21,760
everyting go twing twing.
248
00:15:23,936 --> 00:15:26,166
Yeah, let me...
249
00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:29,868
- Fuck it.
- Be somebody.
250
00:15:37,316 --> 00:15:40,410
So it begins.
251
00:15:47,659 --> 00:15:50,254
Can't wait to have an ex-wife, man.
252
00:15:50,296 --> 00:15:52,263
Can't wait for that shit.
253
00:15:52,297 --> 00:15:53,663
Whers the good part kick in?
254
00:15:53,699 --> 00:15:55,894
Like the... like
the fourth-dimensional stuff.
255
00:15:55,935 --> 00:15:57,926
I want the freedom.
Whers the freedom kick in, Breaux?
256
00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:00,234
I... I want the freedom.
257
00:16:01,707 --> 00:16:03,335
Should we even be here right now?
258
00:16:03,377 --> 00:16:05,172
I mean, won't people
get suspicious?
259
00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:07,611
I mean, they'll call the cops,
send helicopters.
260
00:16:07,647 --> 00:16:09,841
I hate fucking helicopters.
261
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:12,077
No, nobody's gonna
do anything, man.
262
00:16:12,118 --> 00:16:13,142
We're trespassing.
263
00:16:13,185 --> 00:16:14,914
I mean, do you feel this?
264
00:16:14,954 --> 00:16:17,422
'Cause, holy shit, I mean,
I don't even think this is...
265
00:16:20,226 --> 00:16:22,558
Oh, God.
266
00:16:24,497 --> 00:16:25,485
- You okay?
- The freedom hasn't
267
00:16:25,530 --> 00:16:27,158
kicked in yet, asshole!
268
00:16:27,199 --> 00:16:31,499
Hey, what we need to do
right now is just relax.
269
00:16:34,406 --> 00:16:36,466
Fuck, God damn it!
270
00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:38,909
Where are you?!
271
00:16:38,944 --> 00:16:41,435
Where the fuck are you?!
272
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,210
Helicopters everywhere!
273
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,012
Everywhere!
274
00:16:46,051 --> 00:16:48,383
Uh, looking
for the kid who just jerked off. Over.
275
00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:50,116
Did he just come? Over.
276
00:16:50,156 --> 00:16:53,682
Negativo, Ghost Rider.
Looking for a case of blue balls. Over.
277
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:09,065
There were helicopters.
They were hunting me down.
278
00:17:15,047 --> 00:17:17,708
- It's your phone.
- Shit.
279
00:17:17,749 --> 00:17:19,240
What time is it?
280
00:17:20,686 --> 00:17:22,813
Party time.
281
00:17:22,855 --> 00:17:23,981
- Hey.
- Henry, where are you?
282
00:17:24,023 --> 00:17:25,011
- I'm so sorry.
- We're all here waiting for you.
283
00:17:25,056 --> 00:17:26,751
- Yeah, I'll be there in 20. Fuck!
- What's going on?
284
00:17:26,791 --> 00:17:29,225
I'm borrowing this. I gotta go
to the annual bake sale prep.
285
00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:30,750
- Can you drive?
- You wanna go now?
286
00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:32,730
Yeah. Yeah, I wanna go now.
287
00:17:32,765 --> 00:17:35,631
All right, man.
Well, I want some road-head, then.
288
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,533
I hope you're good
at swallowing, bro.
289
00:17:37,570 --> 00:17:39,230
It's how I like it.
290
00:17:45,743 --> 00:17:48,110
- Ahh.
- We need some more green.
291
00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:52,378
- She's got ass for days.
- Boner.
292
00:17:56,856 --> 00:17:59,585
Hey, Sharky. What's cracking?
What's crack-a-lacking?
293
00:17:59,624 --> 00:18:02,423
Good job. Good, good.
294
00:18:02,461 --> 00:18:04,290
Hey, Sharky. What's cracking?
295
00:18:04,328 --> 00:18:06,490
- What's crack-a-lacking?
- What up, tough guy?
296
00:18:06,531 --> 00:18:07,589
- Hey, Sharky...
- Oh!
297
00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:09,565
I got it.
298
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:10,795
Fuck!
299
00:18:13,371 --> 00:18:16,135
Oh, I just got my eyebrow
pierced yesterday!
300
00:18:23,415 --> 00:18:25,440
- About freaking time.
- Hey, guys. Sorry.
301
00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:28,542
- You're such a fucking asshole.
- What?
302
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,144
Sharky Ovante
just gave you an opening!
303
00:18:30,188 --> 00:18:33,156
Microscopic, but still.
You blew it.
304
00:18:33,190 --> 00:18:34,886
Yeah.
305
00:18:34,926 --> 00:18:37,690
We grew up next door
to each other.
306
00:18:37,729 --> 00:18:39,856
We used to play together
307
00:18:39,898 --> 00:18:41,525
till she grew breasts.
308
00:18:41,566 --> 00:18:43,091
And that was that.
309
00:18:46,236 --> 00:18:48,762
I ran the numbers.
310
00:18:48,807 --> 00:18:51,070
Assuming we both ace our finals,
311
00:18:51,108 --> 00:18:53,771
it seems to me
you have valedictorian
312
00:18:53,812 --> 00:18:56,303
by 3/100ths of a percentage.
313
00:18:56,347 --> 00:18:58,679
Salutatorian is a pretty big deal,
too, Sebastian, so...
314
00:18:58,716 --> 00:19:00,843
- Still second place, though.
- Well, I suppose
315
00:19:00,885 --> 00:19:03,876
the hinge upon which fate swings
is a capricious one.
316
00:19:03,921 --> 00:19:06,857
- Why are your eyes all red?
- Excuse me, everyone.
317
00:19:06,891 --> 00:19:08,256
Can I please have your attention?
318
00:19:08,293 --> 00:19:11,490
Very impressive, spirit team.
Can you please put her down?
319
00:19:11,529 --> 00:19:12,962
Uh, hey, listen.
320
00:19:12,997 --> 00:19:16,022
We're doing a live
television interview outside,
321
00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:19,264
so if you could all just, you know,
stop throwing each other up in the air
322
00:19:19,304 --> 00:19:20,895
and keep the volume level down,
that'd be great.
323
00:19:20,938 --> 00:19:22,531
- Okay? Thank you.
- Sorry.
324
00:19:23,807 --> 00:19:27,538
And now we'll go live
to Julia Louise Hugo
325
00:19:27,578 --> 00:19:31,515
- at Morgan High School. Julia?
- In five, four, three, two...
326
00:19:31,549 --> 00:19:33,482
I understand that you have
a statement regarding
327
00:19:33,517 --> 00:19:35,713
your student, Charlyne Phuc,
who was recently arrested...
328
00:19:35,753 --> 00:19:39,518
Miss Phuc is no longer
a student of this institution,
329
00:19:39,556 --> 00:19:41,957
and I have requested
that her standing
330
00:19:41,993 --> 00:19:44,619
as three-time
State Spelling Bee Champion
331
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:47,061
be officially revoked.
332
00:19:49,701 --> 00:19:53,932
Morgan is one of the finest
high schools in this state.
333
00:19:53,971 --> 00:19:57,304
We demand excellence,
not inebriation.
334
00:19:57,341 --> 00:20:00,743
And to reassure our students,
335
00:20:00,778 --> 00:20:03,712
parents, faculty,
and board of regents
336
00:20:03,747 --> 00:20:05,305
of this high standard,
337
00:20:05,349 --> 00:20:10,286
we are conducting
a controlled-substance screening
338
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,515
on campus tomorrow.
339
00:20:12,556 --> 00:20:16,117
All students are required
to participate,
340
00:20:16,159 --> 00:20:19,687
and any student who does not
pass the screening
341
00:20:19,731 --> 00:20:22,028
will be immediately expelled.
342
00:20:25,202 --> 00:20:28,433
Cheese and crackers.
No, no, no, no.
343
00:20:28,472 --> 00:20:32,408
I was trying for genial
and it came off wimpy.
344
00:20:32,442 --> 00:20:35,377
I'd like to be stronger.
Could we try this again?
345
00:20:35,412 --> 00:20:37,472
We're live.
346
00:20:37,515 --> 00:20:40,381
What?
347
00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:42,409
No, no, no, it's great.
Keep shooting. Looks great.
348
00:20:42,453 --> 00:20:44,316
We gotta be clear
by tomorrow morning.
349
00:20:44,353 --> 00:20:46,116
- What drug?
- Shrooms.
350
00:20:46,155 --> 00:20:47,987
- Yeah, we split an eighth.
- How long ago did you take them?
351
00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:50,549
- Hmm. About an hour ago?
- What strain?
352
00:20:50,593 --> 00:20:54,030
Hold on. Hey.
You know what strain we ate?
353
00:20:54,064 --> 00:20:55,794
Dinosaur bones.
354
00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:58,266
- Are your parents home?
- I think.
355
00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:00,669
- Have you been drinking?
- Look at your face.
356
00:21:00,705 --> 00:21:02,604
Did you smoke marijuana
with these mushrooms?
357
00:21:02,639 --> 00:21:04,367
It's all stroked out.
358
00:21:04,407 --> 00:21:05,636
- Sorry.
- What?
359
00:21:05,676 --> 00:21:07,735
So it might be that shit
we ate on prom night.
360
00:21:07,778 --> 00:21:09,244
- I'm looking for Breaux.
- Gordors been pulling
361
00:21:09,278 --> 00:21:10,906
- this Nazi shit forever.
- Did you call the police?
362
00:21:10,948 --> 00:21:13,473
My dad's gonna cancel
the Spice Channel if I get expelled,
363
00:21:13,517 --> 00:21:16,213
beat me up
with my own severed cock.
364
00:21:16,253 --> 00:21:18,050
Let... yo, let me call you right back.
365
00:21:18,088 --> 00:21:19,784
- What?
- You did this to me.
366
00:21:19,824 --> 00:21:21,984
Do you have any idea
how screwed I am right now?
367
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:25,926
Look, chill, man.
You're causing a scene.
368
00:21:25,962 --> 00:21:27,122
I'm causing a scene?
369
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:30,930
Causing a scene? What?!
370
00:21:35,872 --> 00:21:37,772
What?
371
00:21:37,808 --> 00:21:40,368
Look, there are other people
372
00:21:40,410 --> 00:21:42,241
tripping balls
pretty hard core right now.
373
00:21:42,279 --> 00:21:43,610
Dude, I'm not like other people.
374
00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:45,136
Okay? I don't trip on balls.
375
00:21:45,181 --> 00:21:48,674
Okay? If I'm busted, I can kiss
my MIT scholarship good-bye.
376
00:21:48,719 --> 00:21:50,982
My entire life
is on the line right now.
377
00:21:54,992 --> 00:21:57,460
Yeah, all right. Hey, you guys,
the pumpkins are trying to kill us.
378
00:21:57,494 --> 00:22:00,759
You gotta go talk to 'em.
Come on, seriously, go.
379
00:22:00,797 --> 00:22:02,821
- What's with them?
- Come on.
380
00:22:06,970 --> 00:22:09,995
This is my cleansing box.
It's for emergency situations.
381
00:22:10,039 --> 00:22:13,441
We've got goldenseal,
but I think they test for that now.
382
00:22:13,477 --> 00:22:16,275
Tea regimen, but it takes
something like two to three days.
383
00:22:16,313 --> 00:22:18,372
There's always urine masks,
but sometimes your piss
384
00:22:18,415 --> 00:22:19,541
can come out a little too clean.
385
00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:22,245
Like it's not even urine anymore.
It's Aquafina.
386
00:22:22,285 --> 00:22:24,252
Okay, so what else
do we have, man? Is that it?
387
00:22:24,286 --> 00:22:25,514
There's the piss pump.
388
00:22:25,554 --> 00:22:27,920
It's classic, but if they frisk you,
they're gonna find it.
389
00:22:27,957 --> 00:22:29,652
- Right.
- The bottom line is anything you use
390
00:22:29,692 --> 00:22:32,525
will buy you a 40% chance
of passing.
391
00:22:34,830 --> 00:22:38,266
That's an F.
That's an F, Breaux.
392
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:40,462
You know, this is what
they warn you about in that video.
393
00:22:40,504 --> 00:22:42,835
It starts out fun until you start
clawing your eyes out
394
00:22:42,872 --> 00:22:44,236
in a padded cell with al-Qaeda.
395
00:22:44,272 --> 00:22:46,468
One hit could really ruin your life.
396
00:22:48,244 --> 00:22:50,804
I mean, you could always
go around to high schools.
397
00:22:50,846 --> 00:22:54,214
You know, like,
"Don't be like me. I blew it.
398
00:22:54,251 --> 00:22:57,583
Threw my life down
the garbage disposal...
399
00:22:57,620 --> 00:23:00,317
for weed. "
400
00:23:01,824 --> 00:23:03,347
Come on!
401
00:23:03,391 --> 00:23:06,293
- Hey, I'm playing, man.
- This is a big deal, Breaux.
402
00:23:06,328 --> 00:23:08,192
I need your... this is a big deal!
403
00:23:08,229 --> 00:23:10,892
Yeah, I know, man.
404
00:23:21,877 --> 00:23:25,403
Have you ever
watched the sun go down
405
00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:28,713
And you're thinking
'bout the world spinning round?
406
00:23:28,751 --> 00:23:31,844
Have you ever
been high as fuck?
407
00:23:35,524 --> 00:23:39,187
You're in the bathroom mirror
talking to yourself
408
00:23:39,228 --> 00:23:42,425
And your dog's looking at you
like you need help
409
00:23:42,465 --> 00:23:46,230
Have you ever been
high as fuck?
410
00:23:55,945 --> 00:23:57,412
Oh.
411
00:23:57,446 --> 00:23:59,676
Have you been throwing
cold cuts at my window?
412
00:23:59,715 --> 00:24:01,376
Yo, have you been crying?
413
00:24:04,753 --> 00:24:06,813
Yo, meet me
at the tree house, gangster.
414
00:24:06,856 --> 00:24:09,790
Yo, who the fuck touched my whip?
415
00:24:10,826 --> 00:24:11,986
Got you!
416
00:24:12,027 --> 00:24:13,653
"Sodium aluminum sul... "
417
00:24:13,695 --> 00:24:16,358
There's aluminum in this?
What the fuck?
418
00:24:20,569 --> 00:24:23,196
Look, uh, what if we
walked in tomorrow,
419
00:24:23,238 --> 00:24:26,105
failed the drug test,
and no one even noticed?
420
00:24:26,141 --> 00:24:28,803
What if you could fail and still be
valedictorian and still go to MIT?
421
00:24:28,843 --> 00:24:31,311
- Jesus Christ, you're high again.
- Yeah, I'm always high...
422
00:24:31,346 --> 00:24:33,007
Dude, that's a stoner fantasy, man.
423
00:24:33,047 --> 00:24:34,640
How could I fail the drug test
and no one care?
424
00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:36,742
- If everyone fails.
- Of course.
425
00:24:36,786 --> 00:24:38,845
If we can't pass the test, fine.
426
00:24:38,888 --> 00:24:40,412
Fuck it.
Let's get the whole school high.
427
00:24:40,456 --> 00:24:42,013
Oh, my God.
Please tell me you're kidding.
428
00:24:42,056 --> 00:24:43,751
Tomorrow is the bake sale, right?
429
00:24:43,792 --> 00:24:47,751
We swap in bud brownies,
everyone gets blazed, everyone fails.
430
00:24:47,796 --> 00:24:49,457
They'll have to throw
the test results away.
431
00:24:49,497 --> 00:24:51,192
We won't even use a lot.
All right?
432
00:24:51,232 --> 00:24:54,760
Just enough to muddy the waters.
They'll barely test positive.
433
00:24:54,804 --> 00:24:57,398
Most people won't even notice.
They'll just be a little slow.
434
00:24:58,808 --> 00:25:00,639
- A little slow.
- At times like this,
435
00:25:00,676 --> 00:25:02,540
you need to think like a stoner.
436
00:25:09,184 --> 00:25:12,121
Where are we gonna get
that much weed?
437
00:25:26,568 --> 00:25:29,230
- What?
- What?
438
00:25:29,270 --> 00:25:31,465
What? What?
439
00:25:34,442 --> 00:25:35,967
You're right.
440
00:25:38,813 --> 00:25:41,748
I harvested the crop
a few hours too early.
441
00:25:49,223 --> 00:25:51,658
Ah! I'm so stupid.
442
00:25:51,693 --> 00:25:54,787
Fucking... so fucking stupid!
443
00:25:57,665 --> 00:25:59,600
Stupid!
444
00:26:03,403 --> 00:26:06,032
- What?
- What?
445
00:26:06,074 --> 00:26:08,838
What? What?
446
00:26:08,877 --> 00:26:10,777
I'm sorry.
447
00:26:10,812 --> 00:26:13,006
I hate for you to see me this way.
448
00:26:14,115 --> 00:26:16,345
What?
449
00:26:18,287 --> 00:26:21,050
There's this guy... Psycho Ed.
450
00:26:21,089 --> 00:26:23,922
He was like a child prodigy.
451
00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:26,448
Graduated from high school at 15.
452
00:26:26,493 --> 00:26:29,861
Passed the bar exam
before he was old enough to drink.
453
00:26:29,898 --> 00:26:32,696
But then he went
to a foam party in Baja,
454
00:26:32,734 --> 00:26:36,794
smoked a dust blunt
supposedly laced with PCP,
455
00:26:36,838 --> 00:26:38,999
burned something out
in his fucking brain.
456
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:40,701
Dropped out the legit world
and became...
457
00:26:40,742 --> 00:26:42,641
Let me guess... a drug dealer.
458
00:26:42,676 --> 00:26:45,440
Yeah, but he's got this shit...
it's better than weed.
459
00:26:45,479 --> 00:26:48,414
It's called kief,
and it's really hard to make
460
00:26:48,448 --> 00:26:51,043
because you need a massive crop
of some crypto-dank herb
461
00:26:51,085 --> 00:26:54,645
on a 32-part-per-million
flowering solution cycle.
462
00:26:54,688 --> 00:26:56,350
Calculated to harvest each bud
463
00:26:56,391 --> 00:27:00,521
when its psychoactive component
is at its absolute apex.
464
00:27:00,561 --> 00:27:04,291
Then I process the buds
to extract the excess THC,
465
00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:06,526
the fruit of an entire harvest.
466
00:27:06,566 --> 00:27:10,663
One misstep
and the crystals are history.
467
00:27:10,705 --> 00:27:13,502
This is kief.
468
00:27:13,540 --> 00:27:16,442
This will seriously
469
00:27:16,477 --> 00:27:19,708
fuck you up.
470
00:27:23,383 --> 00:27:25,749
Hold on, m-man.
You... you want to steal
471
00:27:25,786 --> 00:27:28,152
a psycho drug dealer's
personal kief?
472
00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:30,213
Precisely.
473
00:27:31,892 --> 00:27:34,657
Look, the Daves scored a dime bag
from him this afternoon,
474
00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:36,560
took a look at the place,
told me the whole setup,
475
00:27:36,596 --> 00:27:38,622
- where the keys are.
- Man, this is insane!
476
00:27:38,666 --> 00:27:42,691
- I can't do this!
- You can. It's not.
477
00:27:42,735 --> 00:27:44,363
Look, I know what you're thinking.
478
00:27:44,404 --> 00:27:47,168
- You know, he's got a gun...
- No.
479
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,368
Breaux, I was not thinking that.
480
00:27:49,409 --> 00:27:52,675
Look, at times like this, we can't think
about the things that could go wrong.
481
00:27:52,714 --> 00:27:54,738
We just gotta grab the balls
and go for it.
482
00:27:54,781 --> 00:27:58,013
- The balls. I'm grabbing the balls.
- Exactly.
483
00:27:58,052 --> 00:27:59,644
Whose balls? Stop, Breaux.
484
00:27:59,687 --> 00:28:02,678
- No, I can't do this, man.
- It's easy, okay?
485
00:28:02,723 --> 00:28:04,816
Just hop the back fence,
wait for my signal,
486
00:28:04,858 --> 00:28:06,825
and then bing, bang,
boom, and we dip.
487
00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:08,452
What kind of plan is that?
488
00:28:08,495 --> 00:28:11,123
Breaux. Fuck.
489
00:28:15,702 --> 00:28:17,795
"Beware of my fucking dog. "
490
00:28:28,882 --> 00:28:30,473
- Fuck!
- Hey.
491
00:28:30,516 --> 00:28:33,782
What the fuck are you doing out here?
Come on, get in here. Come on.
492
00:28:33,820 --> 00:28:35,482
- Come on! Get in here!
- Okay, okay.
493
00:28:35,523 --> 00:28:38,491
- Have you been crying again?
- Fuck off.
494
00:28:39,860 --> 00:28:41,452
Okay.
495
00:28:42,528 --> 00:28:46,124
It's really dicey in here,
so give me exactly one minute
496
00:28:46,166 --> 00:28:48,326
and then get the key from the door
and head to the back.
497
00:28:48,367 --> 00:28:50,768
He keeps the kief
in a freezer in the grow room.
498
00:28:50,804 --> 00:28:53,238
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop, I'm serious.
499
00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:55,867
Fuck. Fuck.
500
00:28:55,909 --> 00:28:57,399
Oh, my God.
501
00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,844
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Okay. Okay.
502
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,280
All right.
503
00:29:03,315 --> 00:29:05,875
Okay, okay.
504
00:29:15,829 --> 00:29:18,957
Ain't a strip club, you fuck.
505
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,995
Thanks, brother man.
506
00:29:52,032 --> 00:29:54,295
Everybody says your weed
is the dank shit.
507
00:29:57,370 --> 00:29:59,963
Yeah, well, everyone's right.
508
00:30:00,973 --> 00:30:02,463
Time for you
to get the fuck out.
509
00:30:02,508 --> 00:30:05,966
Well, what about, you know,
weed etiquette?
510
00:30:06,011 --> 00:30:07,376
What?
511
00:30:07,413 --> 00:30:09,881
You know, now I'm supposed
to smoke you out with your own shit.
512
00:30:09,915 --> 00:30:12,076
It's like weed tax.
513
00:30:14,487 --> 00:30:17,479
Do I look like I need you
to get me stoned?
514
00:30:19,225 --> 00:30:21,125
My God,
515
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,060
looks like somebody poured
snake blood in your eyeballs.
516
00:30:24,095 --> 00:30:25,859
Thanks.
517
00:30:27,666 --> 00:30:29,930
Maybe you could
give me some advice?
518
00:30:29,969 --> 00:30:31,459
What?
519
00:30:31,504 --> 00:30:33,803
I bought some seeds online...
520
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:35,272
- Oh!
- Moron!
521
00:30:35,307 --> 00:30:37,332
Never buy anything online.
522
00:30:46,852 --> 00:30:48,877
This botanist in Portland
523
00:30:48,921 --> 00:30:50,183
knows how to make
the most of what you got.
524
00:30:50,222 --> 00:30:51,211
And where to grow.
525
00:30:51,257 --> 00:30:53,589
Yo, could you print this out
for me, bromeslice?
526
00:31:00,298 --> 00:31:03,791
That's Paranoid.
527
00:31:03,836 --> 00:31:07,272
- Yo, why do they call you Paranoid?
- What? Why you wanna know, man?
528
00:31:20,185 --> 00:31:22,779
Yo, is that, like... is that like
an alarm or something?
529
00:31:29,227 --> 00:31:31,219
Timer.
530
00:31:34,533 --> 00:31:36,524
I'm fully automated.
531
00:31:48,947 --> 00:31:51,246
Oh, shit.
532
00:32:06,331 --> 00:32:08,356
Now piss off.
533
00:32:14,506 --> 00:32:16,632
Shh...
534
00:32:18,344 --> 00:32:20,538
- What the hell is that?
- That's the alarm.
535
00:32:20,578 --> 00:32:21,567
Ah.
536
00:32:26,884 --> 00:32:28,284
He's got the deep beef.
537
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,310
You better not be fuckir with me.
538
00:32:30,355 --> 00:32:32,153
I told you not to fuck with me.
539
00:32:41,531 --> 00:32:43,864
Hey, who the fuck are you, man?
540
00:32:44,869 --> 00:32:47,565
- What, does ganja affect your hearing?
- What?
541
00:32:47,605 --> 00:32:49,903
I've been knocking for,
like, five minutes.
542
00:32:49,941 --> 00:32:51,739
I'll punch you in the head, man.
543
00:32:51,777 --> 00:32:53,744
Who the fuck is this guy, bro?
544
00:32:53,778 --> 00:32:55,803
- You told him your name?
- What?
545
00:32:55,848 --> 00:32:58,407
- Huh?
- He's my... he's my ride, my ride.
546
00:32:58,449 --> 00:33:00,143
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm his ride.
547
00:33:00,183 --> 00:33:02,448
Come on, man,
we gotta get the car back
548
00:33:02,487 --> 00:33:04,147
before my dad gets back.
549
00:33:04,187 --> 00:33:06,782
He's a renegade cop
with a power mullet.
550
00:33:06,824 --> 00:33:08,485
Works the late shift,
551
00:33:08,526 --> 00:33:11,120
likes to shoot things.
552
00:33:11,162 --> 00:33:12,652
- Hey.
- What?
553
00:33:15,834 --> 00:33:17,357
Hmm?
554
00:33:18,970 --> 00:33:21,234
- Yo.
- What?
555
00:33:23,307 --> 00:33:25,003
- What?
- What?
556
00:33:25,043 --> 00:33:26,943
What? What?
557
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:33,016
Yo, you woke my frog, cunt.
558
00:33:34,252 --> 00:33:36,311
Frogs sleep?
559
00:33:37,322 --> 00:33:40,049
- What?
- What?
560
00:33:40,090 --> 00:33:41,523
What?
561
00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:46,325
Adios, muchacho.
Muchisimas gracias.
562
00:33:46,363 --> 00:33:49,527
Hey, next time,
leave Chong at home.
563
00:33:50,601 --> 00:33:53,035
Okay.
564
00:33:53,071 --> 00:33:54,561
- What?
- What?
565
00:33:54,605 --> 00:33:56,800
- What? What?
- Jesus fucking Christ.
566
00:33:57,975 --> 00:34:00,374
Yo! G-G-Go!
567
00:34:00,410 --> 00:34:01,741
Go, go, go, go, go.
568
00:34:01,778 --> 00:34:03,508
- Who sent you?!
- Holy shit!
569
00:34:06,817 --> 00:34:10,080
973 kids at least,
two two-inch brownies apiece.
570
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,248
We're gonna need 42 boxes
of brownie mix, 15 dozen eggs...
571
00:34:12,290 --> 00:34:13,917
- Oh, shit!
- 11 bottles of canola oil, and...
572
00:34:13,958 --> 00:34:16,050
- Hector, clean-up on aisle two.
- Fuck.
573
00:34:16,093 --> 00:34:17,755
- Hey, these are on sale.
- So what, man?
574
00:34:17,795 --> 00:34:20,024
These are the ones that taste good.
575
00:34:20,063 --> 00:34:21,258
Wait, wait, wait.
This is white cake.
576
00:34:21,299 --> 00:34:22,731
It's for me.
577
00:34:22,766 --> 00:34:27,227
Stained roads
578
00:34:27,271 --> 00:34:30,034
Opposite direction
579
00:34:30,073 --> 00:34:32,941
Hearts are feeling cold
580
00:34:32,977 --> 00:34:36,140
Minds are dejected
581
00:34:36,180 --> 00:34:39,080
We want the same things
582
00:34:39,116 --> 00:34:42,381
Not just for ourselves
583
00:34:42,419 --> 00:34:45,389
Created for me
584
00:34:45,423 --> 00:34:48,220
A personal hell...
585
00:35:01,004 --> 00:35:03,097
Take this
586
00:35:04,341 --> 00:35:06,969
Take this with you
587
00:35:07,010 --> 00:35:09,501
The two do not exist
588
00:35:09,546 --> 00:35:11,639
In conjunction...
589
00:35:11,681 --> 00:35:14,310
Dr. Gordon,
the board members are here to see you.
590
00:35:14,352 --> 00:35:18,220
This is the most important day
of your life.
591
00:35:24,428 --> 00:35:27,795
Hold on to
592
00:35:27,831 --> 00:35:30,994
These ebbs and flows
593
00:35:31,034 --> 00:35:34,492
Please, please, please,
don't let me...
594
00:35:34,538 --> 00:35:36,369
Move. Dump them out, man.
We gotta go, quick.
595
00:35:36,406 --> 00:35:38,204
No shit.
596
00:35:40,876 --> 00:35:41,935
Let's go.
Come on, we gotta move.
597
00:35:41,978 --> 00:35:44,344
- Shut up.
- Quicker, quicker, quicker. Let's go.
598
00:35:44,381 --> 00:35:45,904
- Okay.
- Come on.
599
00:35:45,948 --> 00:35:49,112
- Don't cut me, cut me out
- There's a car here.
600
00:35:49,152 --> 00:35:52,280
A shepherd must be held
accountable for his sheep.
601
00:35:52,322 --> 00:35:54,483
That is why I welcome
the board's review
602
00:35:54,524 --> 00:35:58,323
of our new zero-tolerance policy
on controlled substances.
603
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,659
Today, Morgan High
is conducting
604
00:36:00,697 --> 00:36:03,893
its first ever student screening.
605
00:36:03,933 --> 00:36:06,926
No drug tests! No drug tests!
606
00:36:12,509 --> 00:36:13,999
Greetings, fellow Patriots.
607
00:36:14,044 --> 00:36:16,638
This is your assistant dean,
Brandon.
608
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:18,874
Just a reminder that today
609
00:36:18,914 --> 00:36:22,714
is the annual end-of-the-year
PTA bake sale
610
00:36:22,751 --> 00:36:24,617
with benefits going toward
611
00:36:24,654 --> 00:36:28,885
the band and track team
to get new uniforms.
612
00:36:28,924 --> 00:36:32,884
So don't count calories
or carbs today.
613
00:36:32,929 --> 00:36:34,692
You know I'm not.
614
00:36:34,731 --> 00:36:38,131
Necessity...
615
00:36:39,401 --> 00:36:41,767
Today is the dawning
of a new era here at Morgan.
616
00:36:42,938 --> 00:36:46,567
And I, Dr. Leslie Gordon,
617
00:36:46,609 --> 00:36:48,703
give you my personal assurance
618
00:36:48,745 --> 00:36:50,440
that you will never, ever
619
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,709
hear of another student
from Morgan High
620
00:36:52,749 --> 00:36:56,378
being under the influence
of any illicit drug
621
00:36:57,386 --> 00:36:59,377
ever again.
622
00:37:05,861 --> 00:37:06,954
Punch?
623
00:37:07,964 --> 00:37:11,057
These are fuckir good.
624
00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:20,299
All right, kids, we're only gonna
get a few more chances
625
00:37:20,342 --> 00:37:23,277
to do this this year,
so here we go.
626
00:37:23,312 --> 00:37:26,510
10, nine, eight...
627
00:37:26,550 --> 00:37:28,380
I really don't like doing this...
628
00:37:28,417 --> 00:37:30,578
seven, six...
629
00:37:30,620 --> 00:37:32,349
this is not a test...
630
00:37:32,389 --> 00:37:34,788
five, four...
631
00:37:34,823 --> 00:37:38,315
get to class.
632
00:37:43,532 --> 00:37:45,625
But... but was it...
633
00:37:47,469 --> 00:37:49,734
Chicken quesadilla?
634
00:37:54,644 --> 00:37:56,441
What?
635
00:38:11,293 --> 00:38:12,954
Shit.
636
00:38:12,995 --> 00:38:15,088
What's the matter, man?
637
00:38:17,132 --> 00:38:19,293
I could fix you another one.
638
00:38:21,736 --> 00:38:23,671
Yo, Edwin, you all right, man?
639
00:38:23,706 --> 00:38:25,640
Chad, please take the roll sheet
640
00:38:25,674 --> 00:38:27,801
to the administration office.
641
00:38:27,843 --> 00:38:29,834
- Chad!
- What?
642
00:38:29,878 --> 00:38:31,778
What? What?
643
00:38:31,814 --> 00:38:34,578
The roll sheet to the office.
644
00:38:34,617 --> 00:38:37,143
Oh, shit.
645
00:38:43,759 --> 00:38:46,352
Just go.
646
00:38:46,394 --> 00:38:49,228
Dana, Jeffrey, please read
today's announcements.
647
00:38:55,738 --> 00:38:57,227
Wha... what?
648
00:38:57,271 --> 00:39:00,468
I got webbed hands.
I... I've never noticed that.
649
00:39:20,428 --> 00:39:22,089
What?
650
00:39:22,130 --> 00:39:24,531
Name?
651
00:39:25,534 --> 00:39:27,023
Name!
652
00:39:30,072 --> 00:39:32,665
Uh...
653
00:39:32,707 --> 00:39:35,472
I have a nickname.
654
00:39:35,511 --> 00:39:39,640
Finger.
Oh, and, um, Acorn Dick.
655
00:39:39,681 --> 00:39:42,309
It's un... it's unfortunate.
656
00:39:42,350 --> 00:39:44,409
So which one do you want first?
657
00:39:45,586 --> 00:39:48,647
Hands up.
Got any sharp objects? Needles?
658
00:39:48,691 --> 00:39:51,124
Porta-Potty to your left.
Here is the plastic...
659
00:39:51,159 --> 00:39:53,219
I like your... your tats.
660
00:39:53,262 --> 00:39:56,856
You're not on the Suicide Girls
website, are you?
661
00:39:56,897 --> 00:40:00,095
Does this nurse look
totally insectoid to you?
662
00:40:00,134 --> 00:40:02,534
Thought I saw you on there.
663
00:40:02,570 --> 00:40:04,037
I'll text you.
664
00:40:04,072 --> 00:40:07,099
What the fuck, man?
People are losing their shit right now.
665
00:40:07,142 --> 00:40:09,132
According to... according to
"Stoner of the Year,"
666
00:40:09,177 --> 00:40:12,170
bud brownies are the most dangerous
and terrifying inebriate.
667
00:40:12,214 --> 00:40:14,181
The thing about them is you keep
getting higher and higher.
668
00:40:14,215 --> 00:40:17,184
It does not stop.
How much kief did you use, man?
669
00:40:17,218 --> 00:40:21,655
Uh, you know, a smidge, a shake,
a Martha Stewart steeze.
670
00:40:23,624 --> 00:40:26,593
Okay, I spilled it, all right?
A shit-load.
671
00:40:26,627 --> 00:40:27,651
- All right...
- Did you hear?
672
00:40:27,695 --> 00:40:30,391
Someone locked the PTA moms
in the weight room.
673
00:40:31,467 --> 00:40:34,458
Looks like Dean Gordon installed
that new surveillance system
674
00:40:34,502 --> 00:40:36,334
just in time.
675
00:40:38,138 --> 00:40:41,370
Oh, right, you wouldn't know.
676
00:40:41,409 --> 00:40:43,001
I mean, I only know
because, of course,
677
00:40:43,044 --> 00:40:46,138
you know, I tutor his son Mark
and I overheard it.
678
00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:49,343
Cameras everywhere.
679
00:40:49,383 --> 00:40:52,841
It's an Orwellian wet dream.
680
00:41:00,762 --> 00:41:02,251
- Henry, slow down.
- We're going to jail.
681
00:41:02,295 --> 00:41:03,923
- Gordon caught us on camera.
- We don't know that.
682
00:41:03,965 --> 00:41:06,433
- And even if he did, we can fix this.
- Yeah? How?
683
00:41:06,467 --> 00:41:08,366
I don't know, the footage...
we don't even know if they watched it.
684
00:41:08,401 --> 00:41:10,666
- We'll just fucking find it.
- Dr. Gordors son.
685
00:41:10,705 --> 00:41:12,332
Let's go have a chat
with that veining dildo.
686
00:41:12,373 --> 00:41:13,840
Wait, no, no, no. I can't.
I'm late for my first final.
687
00:41:13,875 --> 00:41:14,967
Forget your final.
This is important.
688
00:41:15,009 --> 00:41:16,976
You don't get it, man. If I screw up
my final, I'm just as fucked.
689
00:41:17,010 --> 00:41:18,501
Okay, I'll find that pimply dipshit
and then I'll text you.
690
00:41:18,546 --> 00:41:20,247
All right.
Thanks, man.
691
00:41:21,648 --> 00:41:23,310
I'ma tell you what hurts...
692
00:41:23,351 --> 00:41:25,012
having a daddy with glaucoma.
693
00:41:25,052 --> 00:41:27,019
Old man couldn't see shit.
694
00:41:27,053 --> 00:41:30,251
So I tried to score him, you know,
an ounce of Chocolate Thai...
695
00:41:34,395 --> 00:41:36,555
Uh...
696
00:41:54,649 --> 00:41:58,584
This is cra... this is crazy.
697
00:41:58,618 --> 00:42:01,883
We are proud to have awarded
an academic scholarship
698
00:42:01,922 --> 00:42:05,757
to one of only three living
human beings to have beaten
699
00:42:05,793 --> 00:42:09,523
the Carnegie Mellon Red One
Supercomputer at chess:
700
00:42:09,563 --> 00:42:11,054
Edwin Hunter.
701
00:42:11,098 --> 00:42:15,626
Elo rated as the third best
chess player on the planet Earth.
702
00:42:17,871 --> 00:42:21,671
It looks like Edwin
will have the first move
703
00:42:21,708 --> 00:42:23,699
because he's white.
704
00:42:25,278 --> 00:42:30,307
I mean... the white pieces.
705
00:42:30,351 --> 00:42:32,875
White always goes first.
706
00:42:32,919 --> 00:42:35,218
I mean, that is...
707
00:42:35,256 --> 00:42:38,223
the person with the white...
oh, look.
708
00:42:39,392 --> 00:42:42,953
This pawn looks like
my Uncle Neville's
709
00:42:42,995 --> 00:42:45,191
elongated nipple.
710
00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:51,066
- Rest in peace, you slut.
- Music! Ahem.
711
00:42:51,104 --> 00:42:53,539
Would you all like to listen
to some music?
712
00:43:03,083 --> 00:43:04,277
Dude, the white judge...
713
00:43:04,317 --> 00:43:08,048
the white judge knocked me
to the joint for 25 to life
714
00:43:08,088 --> 00:43:10,750
for some fucking sinsemilla, man.
715
00:43:10,790 --> 00:43:12,849
We already heard
that one, too, asshole.
716
00:43:12,893 --> 00:43:14,554
Well, the world need to hear it,
717
00:43:14,594 --> 00:43:17,859
and they will in my book,
718
00:43:17,898 --> 00:43:20,559
"Alcatrizaz. "
719
00:43:20,599 --> 00:43:22,124
Shit.
720
00:43:31,544 --> 00:43:34,012
That sounded like a wet fart.
721
00:43:34,047 --> 00:43:37,948
Well, you'd know, incontinent slank.
722
00:43:37,983 --> 00:43:40,612
What the hell is going on
around this place?
723
00:43:40,654 --> 00:43:42,588
Is someone trying
to sabotage me?
724
00:43:42,622 --> 00:43:46,956
- Are you trying to bring me down?
- Jesus, no. I've been paging you.
725
00:43:46,993 --> 00:43:50,827
No drug tests! No drug tests!
726
00:43:50,864 --> 00:43:53,162
Hmm.
Batteries must have died.
727
00:43:53,199 --> 00:43:56,133
Sir, we've had
an unusual number
728
00:43:56,168 --> 00:44:00,628
of students and faculty
complaining of...
729
00:44:00,673 --> 00:44:04,838
confusion and... and dizziness.
730
00:44:04,878 --> 00:44:07,345
I haven't been feeling
so sweet myself,
731
00:44:07,379 --> 00:44:10,247
so I was thinking that maybe
it was a gas leak,
732
00:44:10,283 --> 00:44:12,148
so I called in
733
00:44:12,185 --> 00:44:16,416
an emergency...
work... thingy.
734
00:44:16,455 --> 00:44:19,754
I want answers. Brainstorm this thing.
735
00:44:19,792 --> 00:44:21,817
There he is!
736
00:44:21,860 --> 00:44:24,420
What about our childrers
right to privacy?
737
00:44:24,463 --> 00:44:27,922
- No unlawful search and seizure.
- Yeah, fuck you!
738
00:44:27,968 --> 00:44:31,334
- Fuck you!
- Who do you think you are?!
739
00:44:31,370 --> 00:44:34,431
Oh, fuck, man.
740
00:44:37,276 --> 00:44:40,006
Ah, shit.
741
00:44:40,045 --> 00:44:41,877
- Hey.
- What?
742
00:44:41,915 --> 00:44:43,882
You made me drop
my ice cream.
743
00:44:43,916 --> 00:44:46,613
Why the fuck would you be eating it
like that on a day like today?
744
00:44:46,653 --> 00:44:50,554
Because it tastes ambrosian
when I'm buttstonked,
745
00:44:50,589 --> 00:44:53,616
but don't tell the cops that
when they arrive.
746
00:44:53,660 --> 00:44:56,287
I'm on probation for a misdemeanor
possession charge.
747
00:44:56,328 --> 00:44:58,262
- What?
- Shit.
748
00:44:58,297 --> 00:45:01,232
You didn't think about getting
no fucking Slurpee, kid?
749
00:45:01,266 --> 00:45:02,631
You like Slurpees, don't you?
750
00:45:02,668 --> 00:45:04,966
- Who me?
- No, the...
751
00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:10,635
Oh, man.
752
00:45:12,711 --> 00:45:14,679
- Fuck.
- What?
753
00:45:14,713 --> 00:45:16,874
- What?
- Shit.
754
00:45:16,915 --> 00:45:20,043
- Fuck.
- What?
755
00:45:20,085 --> 00:45:22,883
- Fuck.
- What?
756
00:45:22,921 --> 00:45:25,048
- What?
- Fuck.
757
00:45:25,090 --> 00:45:26,887
What?!
758
00:45:30,829 --> 00:45:32,854
Get the fuck out of here.
759
00:45:45,444 --> 00:45:48,880
- I'm melting!
- Martin.
760
00:45:48,914 --> 00:45:52,111
How many brownies did you eat?
761
00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:59,349
- 14?
- Jesus H. Christ.
762
00:46:01,626 --> 00:46:03,424
Martin, look at me.
763
00:46:03,462 --> 00:46:06,123
You are really stoned right now, man.
764
00:46:06,164 --> 00:46:08,725
You look like you're about
to summit Mt. Zion.
765
00:46:08,767 --> 00:46:10,496
We'll tell your daddy.
766
00:46:10,536 --> 00:46:14,165
You could get expelled, little man.
767
00:46:14,206 --> 00:46:17,004
Where do they record
the security footage?
768
00:46:17,042 --> 00:46:19,635
Huh? Huh?
769
00:46:19,677 --> 00:46:21,475
- Come on, man.
- Give the fucking milk.
770
00:46:21,513 --> 00:46:23,413
Tell us, Martin,
and you get the milk.
771
00:46:23,449 --> 00:46:25,416
In the library,
in... in the back room.
772
00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:28,284
- My daddy has the keys.
- Okay, okay, okay.
773
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,480
If you speak a word of this
to anyone and I'll make sure
774
00:46:30,521 --> 00:46:32,251
what you're feeling right now
is permanent.
775
00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,724
I'm the pope of dope.
I can make that happen.
776
00:46:34,759 --> 00:46:37,125
Maybe I just dosed the milk
you just downed
777
00:46:37,161 --> 00:46:39,857
with high-grade liquid acid.
778
00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:42,024
Keep your mouth shut, homes.
779
00:46:44,202 --> 00:46:45,966
Well, did you?!
780
00:46:51,777 --> 00:46:54,301
Die, Leonard! Die!
781
00:46:54,345 --> 00:46:56,677
I'm gonna murder you!
782
00:46:56,714 --> 00:46:58,545
Perhaps you'd like some lunch?
783
00:46:58,583 --> 00:47:00,175
This is great, man.
784
00:47:00,218 --> 00:47:01,651
How are we supposed to get
the keys from him?
785
00:47:01,686 --> 00:47:03,551
Are you joking?
I wanna see what it looks like
786
00:47:03,588 --> 00:47:04,749
when someone is murdered.
787
00:47:04,790 --> 00:47:06,017
Ah!
788
00:47:06,057 --> 00:47:07,752
What if we could unlock
the surveillance room
789
00:47:07,792 --> 00:47:09,192
without even going near
Dr. Gordon?
790
00:47:09,228 --> 00:47:11,355
How, man? How?
791
00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:26,803
Watch out,
here we go again
792
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:31,872
Just say my name
and I will bend
793
00:47:31,916 --> 00:47:35,352
I'll kill you with my words
794
00:47:35,385 --> 00:47:38,412
And I'll kill you with mine...
795
00:47:43,161 --> 00:47:44,651
Gordors a psycho.
796
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:46,185
He canceled his wife's
gym membership
797
00:47:46,230 --> 00:47:47,857
because he thought
she was fucking her trainer,
798
00:47:47,899 --> 00:47:50,424
but gave her a spare set of keys
so she could work out here.
799
00:47:50,468 --> 00:47:52,960
Must keep in shape
with all the sport fucking she does.
800
00:47:53,005 --> 00:47:55,494
- Wait, what?
- She's a cougar, dipshit.
801
00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:57,132
A fucking coug.
802
00:47:57,175 --> 00:47:59,472
What school have you been going to?
Everybody's fucked her, man.
803
00:47:59,509 --> 00:48:01,410
- I-I haven't.
- Well, everyone but you.
804
00:48:01,445 --> 00:48:03,345
- You haven't.
- Everyone but us.
805
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,144
- The Daves?
- Shut the fuck up, all right!
806
00:48:05,183 --> 00:48:07,515
It's a breeze.
I go out there, I distract her...
807
00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:08,541
Wait, let me guess,
let me guess.
808
00:48:08,586 --> 00:48:11,612
While... while I commit another felony,
sneak into the mens locker room,
809
00:48:11,656 --> 00:48:13,351
and then bing, bang,
boom, and we dip.
810
00:48:13,391 --> 00:48:14,379
- Exactly.
- Right.
811
00:48:14,424 --> 00:48:16,825
You grab the keys from her purse
while we're having sex.
812
00:48:16,861 --> 00:48:18,350
What?
813
00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:22,799
Just say my name
and I will bend
814
00:48:22,833 --> 00:48:24,824
With mine.
815
00:48:31,943 --> 00:48:34,377
Mind if I turn up the heat?
816
00:48:35,412 --> 00:48:39,440
Wha... what do you...
what do you think you're doing?
817
00:48:39,483 --> 00:48:41,609
Having a hell of a day.
818
00:48:41,651 --> 00:48:43,517
Thought I'd chill
the fuck out in the pool.
819
00:48:43,554 --> 00:48:45,351
You know, get out of here.
820
00:48:45,389 --> 00:48:46,879
Get out of here
before you get yourself
821
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:49,290
into some serious trouble,
young man. Okay?
822
00:48:51,996 --> 00:48:54,429
I won't tell if you won't.
823
00:48:58,736 --> 00:49:02,102
Look, how the hell
did you get in here?
824
00:49:02,138 --> 00:49:05,403
- Hmm?
- I'm... I'm into you.
825
00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:07,070
Seriously, I'm down.
826
00:49:09,046 --> 00:49:10,274
I'm calling the police.
827
00:49:10,314 --> 00:49:12,373
You shut your blood clat, Mommy.
828
00:49:12,416 --> 00:49:14,315
What do you tink
I came in here for?
829
00:49:14,351 --> 00:49:15,909
What did you just say?
830
00:49:15,952 --> 00:49:17,977
Let me peep them Babylons,
you ras-clat.
831
00:49:18,021 --> 00:49:19,352
All right, listen, you little bastard.
832
00:49:19,389 --> 00:49:21,950
I'm gonna have you arrested so fast
that your head will spin.
833
00:49:21,993 --> 00:49:25,428
- Do you understand me?
- I ain't scared of no 5-0.
834
00:49:26,430 --> 00:49:28,091
- Why are you talking like that?
- What?
835
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,992
Oh, yeah.
836
00:49:42,946 --> 00:49:45,074
- What is that?
- What?
837
00:49:45,116 --> 00:49:47,583
Oh, I hear it.
838
00:49:47,617 --> 00:49:51,019
How weird.
Is someone here?
839
00:49:51,055 --> 00:49:52,715
Hello?
840
00:49:52,756 --> 00:49:54,951
Let's stop this.
841
00:49:54,991 --> 00:49:57,289
Amanda?
842
00:49:57,327 --> 00:49:58,816
Hello?
843
00:49:58,861 --> 00:50:00,853
"Jizz coming out
of my Johnson... "
844
00:50:00,897 --> 00:50:03,457
- That's just creepy.
- I definitely hear somebody.
845
00:50:04,968 --> 00:50:07,869
"Hog in your mud... "
846
00:50:07,904 --> 00:50:10,100
Administration office?
847
00:50:10,141 --> 00:50:12,404
- Pass the towel.
- No.
848
00:50:19,916 --> 00:50:23,044
- Huh, that was weird.
- Yeah.
849
00:50:23,086 --> 00:50:24,678
I can drive tonight if you want.
850
00:50:24,721 --> 00:50:25,949
Fuck, yeah!
851
00:50:25,989 --> 00:50:28,220
You were like the star of your own
ninja porno back there...
852
00:50:28,259 --> 00:50:30,123
"Enter the Cougar. "
853
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:33,994
- Watch this, biatch.
- There's the old sense of humor.
854
00:50:34,030 --> 00:50:36,520
He's holding out on us, man.
I know it.
855
00:50:41,437 --> 00:50:43,099
Fucking notebook?
856
00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:46,168
Espanol.
857
00:50:48,678 --> 00:50:50,703
What the hell is this shit?
858
00:51:00,723 --> 00:51:04,160
Need to freshen up a bit.
859
00:51:12,936 --> 00:51:14,425
This is gonna get ugly.
860
00:51:14,470 --> 00:51:17,803
A case can be made that things
have already gotten pretty ugly, Edward.
861
00:51:19,208 --> 00:51:22,007
You read my mind, man.
862
00:51:22,045 --> 00:51:24,239
How you be doing
that fucking shit?
863
00:51:25,882 --> 00:51:28,372
You guys better wait here.
864
00:51:28,417 --> 00:51:30,978
- Gladly.
- Fucking weirdos.
865
00:51:31,020 --> 00:51:33,011
Don't... don't...
don't make no eye contact.
866
00:51:33,055 --> 00:51:35,580
They've got laser blades.
They can reset your brain.
867
00:51:36,592 --> 00:51:38,082
Thanks for the warning.
868
00:51:39,162 --> 00:51:41,095
Flies in the web.
Yeah, we got 'em. Reel 'em.
869
00:51:49,839 --> 00:51:51,602
Okay, where's my piss pump?
870
00:51:51,641 --> 00:51:54,404
We have to rig that shit up
before we get chi-chi faced.
871
00:51:54,443 --> 00:51:55,808
Here.
872
00:51:58,881 --> 00:52:01,577
This one has a black
prosthetic dick, asshole.
873
00:52:01,617 --> 00:52:05,815
- What if they take a look, man?
- Maybe you just have a tan cock.
874
00:52:08,925 --> 00:52:10,551
Give me your cock.
875
00:52:10,592 --> 00:52:12,652
Looks Latino.
876
00:52:12,695 --> 00:52:14,491
Fine, take that cock.
877
00:52:14,530 --> 00:52:18,296
I'll wear your
black shriveled dick.
878
00:52:22,104 --> 00:52:23,594
Wait.
879
00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:27,736
Let's make sure there are
no motherfuckers in here listening.
880
00:53:12,020 --> 00:53:14,853
I'm a surveillance room key.
What do I look like?
881
00:53:14,890 --> 00:53:17,858
Move Neville's nipple
or suck on it already, biatch.
882
00:53:19,761 --> 00:53:22,228
- Try them again.
- I did, man, all of them. Twice.
883
00:53:22,263 --> 00:53:24,664
This must be the door.
So where's the fucking key?
884
00:53:24,700 --> 00:53:26,429
What's popping off, gentlemen?
885
00:53:26,468 --> 00:53:29,869
- Care for a bite, Henry?
- Uh, no, thanks.
886
00:53:29,905 --> 00:53:32,271
- I'm, uh, fasting.
- Oh, well, that's a shame.
887
00:53:32,307 --> 00:53:33,796
I've heard they're delicious.
888
00:53:33,841 --> 00:53:37,539
Too bad chocolate reminds me
of human feces.
889
00:53:37,579 --> 00:53:40,046
- Weird day, isn't it?
- It's high school.
890
00:53:40,081 --> 00:53:44,212
Everyday is weird.
See you, Sebastian.
891
00:53:44,253 --> 00:53:47,450
I found a dumpster full of brownies.
892
00:53:51,660 --> 00:53:53,957
I ask you,
893
00:53:53,995 --> 00:53:56,396
why would someone
wanna throw away
894
00:53:56,431 --> 00:53:58,796
so many perfectly good brownies?
895
00:54:00,601 --> 00:54:03,297
You should have a brownie.
896
00:54:03,337 --> 00:54:07,001
- Pure THC kills nausea.
- Fuck off, Doctor.
897
00:54:07,042 --> 00:54:11,308
- I am the walrus!
- Coo coo ca choo.
898
00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:14,814
We should get this whole school
high more often.
899
00:54:15,850 --> 00:54:17,818
- More often?
- Yeah, on a scale
900
00:54:17,852 --> 00:54:20,686
between a prostate exam
and a reggae festival,
901
00:54:20,722 --> 00:54:23,019
it's somewhere around giving
your mother multiple orgasms.
902
00:54:23,057 --> 00:54:24,548
What kind of scale is that?
903
00:54:24,593 --> 00:54:27,425
You know, you find this
really fucking funny, don't you?
904
00:54:27,461 --> 00:54:29,862
This could really tarnish
your. 65 GPA.
905
00:54:29,898 --> 00:54:33,025
I mean, your bright future is totally
hanging in the balance, Breaux.
906
00:54:35,870 --> 00:54:38,897
Yeah, I... I do have plans,
for your information.
907
00:54:38,941 --> 00:54:41,932
The Daves and I,
we wanna travel,
908
00:54:41,976 --> 00:54:45,434
learn to play the sitar, and then
eventually settle somewhere else.
909
00:54:45,479 --> 00:54:47,470
Maybe Nicaragua.
910
00:54:47,515 --> 00:54:50,679
You know, and I... I know buying land
out there can be pretty sketchy
911
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:52,207
because the government
can pretty much jack it
912
00:54:52,252 --> 00:54:55,017
whenever they want,
but fuck it, right?
913
00:54:55,056 --> 00:54:56,955
Wow, man.
914
00:54:56,990 --> 00:54:59,186
It's a hell of a plan, really.
915
00:54:59,226 --> 00:55:00,716
Oh, shit.
916
00:55:00,761 --> 00:55:02,593
- What?
- Hi.
917
00:55:04,265 --> 00:55:05,391
Where is it?
918
00:55:05,433 --> 00:55:08,960
It's, uh... it's gone.
It's gone, man.
919
00:55:09,003 --> 00:55:11,164
What?
920
00:55:11,205 --> 00:55:13,571
That's impossible.
921
00:55:13,608 --> 00:55:15,131
Where is it?
922
00:55:16,944 --> 00:55:21,677
There was enough kief to get
this whole fucking school high.
923
00:55:57,117 --> 00:56:00,610
You sick, twisted fucks.
924
00:56:02,622 --> 00:56:05,091
You did get the whole school high.
925
00:56:06,827 --> 00:56:10,763
Now... now, that's just the most
mental thing I've ever seen.
926
00:56:17,303 --> 00:56:19,329
But you pinched
the wrong mans load.
927
00:56:19,373 --> 00:56:21,738
Okay, okay, we'll pay you back.
We'll pay it back, okay?
928
00:56:21,775 --> 00:56:25,041
- You don't have enough.
- There's cameras, there's cameras.
929
00:56:25,079 --> 00:56:27,376
There's cameras?!
930
00:56:27,414 --> 00:56:29,315
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- There's cameras?
931
00:56:29,350 --> 00:56:34,278
Where's the camera?
Where's the camera?
932
00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:35,412
Huh? Huh?
Where's the camera?
933
00:56:35,455 --> 00:56:37,356
Where's the camera?
Is that a camera?
934
00:56:37,391 --> 00:56:38,721
- No, no. No, no, no. Okay.
- Oh, shit.
935
00:56:38,758 --> 00:56:40,191
You think I give a fuck
about cameras?
936
00:56:40,226 --> 00:56:42,627
The bake sale...
they're raising money.
937
00:56:42,663 --> 00:56:44,153
- How much?
- I don't know! I don't know!
938
00:56:44,198 --> 00:56:46,461
I don't know.
We'll pay it back, we'll pay it back.
939
00:56:46,499 --> 00:56:48,331
- We'll find it.
- I want it in an hour.
940
00:56:48,369 --> 00:56:49,666
- Two hours.
- What the fuck?
941
00:56:49,704 --> 00:56:51,398
Two hours.
Please, please.
942
00:56:51,438 --> 00:56:53,201
That'll get you
till the end of the day.
943
00:56:54,441 --> 00:56:57,774
And then we're gonna
have a very
944
00:56:57,811 --> 00:57:01,213
serious talk.
945
00:57:01,248 --> 00:57:04,683
- Huh?
- Okay, okay, okay.
946
00:57:04,718 --> 00:57:08,177
Does this happen to you a lot?
947
00:57:08,221 --> 00:57:10,555
What the fuck are we gonna do
about that freak Sebastian
948
00:57:10,591 --> 00:57:12,080
and Dr. Gordors
surveillance footage?
949
00:57:12,125 --> 00:57:13,387
Fuck that. Let's worry about
950
00:57:13,426 --> 00:57:15,155
staying out of the morgue first,
then jail.
951
00:57:15,195 --> 00:57:16,856
- What?
- We find the bake sale cash box
952
00:57:16,896 --> 00:57:18,056
and we pay off Psycho Ed.
953
00:57:18,098 --> 00:57:19,087
And we have a whole two hours.
954
00:57:19,132 --> 00:57:20,360
- Right.
- "Thank you, Breaux. "
955
00:57:20,400 --> 00:57:23,028
Right, which gives us
till about 10 after 12.
956
00:57:23,069 --> 00:57:25,368
Fuck! No, I can't.
I've got my computer skills final.
957
00:57:25,406 --> 00:57:27,600
All right, I'll fucking deal.
Go be a superstar.
958
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:29,370
There's tape on the keys.
959
00:57:29,410 --> 00:57:31,741
- How am I supposed to type?
- It's a final, you 'tard.
960
00:57:31,778 --> 00:57:33,870
You're not supposed
to see the keys.
961
00:57:35,615 --> 00:57:37,947
I think.
962
00:57:37,984 --> 00:57:39,645
Miss Unger?
963
00:57:40,687 --> 00:57:42,177
Hello?
964
00:57:43,491 --> 00:57:48,052
Hello. I was just drawing
a picture of my cat Bryan.
965
00:57:48,094 --> 00:57:50,619
I named him after Bryan Adams.
966
00:57:50,663 --> 00:57:53,496
All right, let's take a test.
967
00:57:54,834 --> 00:57:59,965
Boy, he's a very sexy singer.
968
00:58:00,006 --> 00:58:03,669
I used to pretend
that my glass dildo
969
00:58:03,710 --> 00:58:08,511
was, in fact, Mr. Adams' erect
970
00:58:08,548 --> 00:58:12,917
glass-encased member...
971
00:58:12,952 --> 00:58:16,182
Because the forest wizard
had turned him to glass, of course.
972
00:58:16,221 --> 00:58:20,885
So only the moistened walls
of the village witch
973
00:58:20,926 --> 00:58:22,986
could return him to human form.
974
00:58:31,004 --> 00:58:33,631
Was that out loud
or did I just think that?
975
00:58:38,110 --> 00:58:40,044
Isn't this the administration office?
976
00:58:40,078 --> 00:58:43,310
No, it isn't.
It is my classroom.
977
00:58:44,383 --> 00:58:47,012
- I think.
- Are you fucking with me?
978
00:58:47,053 --> 00:58:51,079
Excuse me, is that the attendance list
I gave you this morning?
979
00:59:07,040 --> 00:59:09,838
You're positive Sharky
left the cash box in Gordors office?
980
00:59:09,876 --> 00:59:13,038
- Yeah. Look, the money's in there.
- Cool, cool.
981
00:59:13,078 --> 00:59:15,012
- So where's Sharky now?
- No, no, come on!
982
00:59:15,047 --> 00:59:18,449
Horny man, I need your magical,
geek power brain to be focused for this.
983
00:59:18,484 --> 00:59:20,144
No, man. Fuck that.
984
00:59:20,185 --> 00:59:21,812
I got the keys out of the womens
locker room, man.
985
00:59:21,854 --> 00:59:23,345
- This one's yours.
- That was simple.
986
00:59:23,389 --> 00:59:26,482
I had to tame a cougar.
This is the administration office.
987
00:59:26,525 --> 00:59:27,891
Yeah, you're the career criminal, man.
988
00:59:27,927 --> 00:59:29,861
- This should be, like, easy for you.
- Right. You're right.
989
00:59:29,896 --> 00:59:32,591
I... I'm, you know, suspicious.
990
00:59:32,631 --> 00:59:35,395
And you, you're the straight-arrow,
tight-ass geek.
991
00:59:35,434 --> 00:59:36,662
Oh, so maybe I should
smoke weed all day
992
00:59:36,702 --> 00:59:38,363
and I wouldn't have to do
any hard work.
993
00:59:38,403 --> 00:59:39,734
Yeah, well, maybe I should
get some straight A's
994
00:59:39,771 --> 00:59:41,602
and hang out with some flip-flop
floobie-doos who eat glue.
995
00:59:41,640 --> 00:59:43,699
Yeah, there's a minimum
IQ requirement to be in the auto club.
996
00:59:43,742 --> 00:59:47,770
Is there a minimum vagina
requirement to be in the IQ club?
997
00:59:47,814 --> 00:59:50,145
No.
998
00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:57,286
All right, we're gonna
have to clear the office.
999
00:59:57,322 --> 01:00:00,120
Oh, fuck!
1000
01:00:00,158 --> 01:00:03,355
This is intense.
1001
01:00:03,395 --> 01:00:04,953
Shit.
1002
01:00:04,997 --> 01:00:06,659
- There you are.
- Mom?
1003
01:00:06,699 --> 01:00:09,861
Oh, my God.
Dude, how blazed are you two?
1004
01:00:09,902 --> 01:00:12,894
You tried to hold out
on us, you fuck.
1005
01:00:13,905 --> 01:00:16,340
Oh, shit.
1006
01:00:18,644 --> 01:00:21,636
- Just tell my mom I love her, man.
- You tell her yourself.
1007
01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:24,274
- No, man.
- Pull it together.
1008
01:00:24,316 --> 01:00:27,149
Little Dave, you know that stunt
you've been yammering about?
1009
01:00:27,185 --> 01:00:29,416
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, now would be perfect.
1010
01:00:29,455 --> 01:00:30,921
Why now?
1011
01:00:33,090 --> 01:00:36,652
We dosed the whole school.
We need a distraction.
1012
01:00:38,262 --> 01:00:40,424
- That sounded weird.
- What?
1013
01:00:40,465 --> 01:00:42,365
What?
1014
01:00:42,401 --> 01:00:44,767
Oh!
1015
01:00:55,146 --> 01:00:57,580
May I have your attention, please?
1016
01:00:57,615 --> 01:01:00,847
Witness the death-defying stunt
1017
01:01:00,886 --> 01:01:02,786
never before attempted.
1018
01:01:02,821 --> 01:01:07,485
Little Dave Klein is gonna jump off
the library balcony
1019
01:01:07,526 --> 01:01:12,361
on his motherfucking skateboard!
1020
01:01:12,397 --> 01:01:13,920
Yeah!
1021
01:01:16,835 --> 01:01:18,166
The balcony.
1022
01:01:20,871 --> 01:01:23,306
- Go for it, Dave.
- It's suicide!
1023
01:01:23,342 --> 01:01:24,831
- Let's check it out!
- Let's roll this shit.
1024
01:01:31,916 --> 01:01:34,680
Whoo!
1025
01:01:34,719 --> 01:01:36,187
Yeah!
1026
01:01:36,221 --> 01:01:38,279
Whoa! Oh!
1027
01:01:38,322 --> 01:01:40,848
Whoa! Yes!
1028
01:01:43,861 --> 01:01:46,228
That was some
"Faces of Death" shit, homes.
1029
01:01:46,264 --> 01:01:49,391
- I can feel skin flapping.
- What?
1030
01:01:49,433 --> 01:01:52,061
Seriously, I think
I've ripped my sack, man.
1031
01:01:53,804 --> 01:01:55,738
I should have tenured at Stanford.
1032
01:02:19,430 --> 01:02:21,193
Tameka?
1033
01:02:22,266 --> 01:02:25,326
- Tameka!
- I'm sorry. There was an incident.
1034
01:02:25,369 --> 01:02:27,303
Here's your coffee.
1035
01:02:30,341 --> 01:02:33,105
- I'm so sorry?
- Thank you.
1036
01:02:34,412 --> 01:02:35,743
Is there anything else, sir?
1037
01:02:35,780 --> 01:02:37,907
- The gas man is waiting...
- No, I'm finished.
1038
01:02:40,051 --> 01:02:43,384
Actually, there is
1039
01:02:43,421 --> 01:02:48,620
one small thing I'd like you
to take care of, Tameka.
1040
01:02:48,659 --> 01:02:50,592
Oh, yes.
1041
01:02:50,627 --> 01:02:52,960
Yes, there is.
1042
01:02:58,736 --> 01:03:00,794
- The cops are coming.
- What?
1043
01:03:00,837 --> 01:03:02,362
- They're on their way.
- The police?
1044
01:03:02,406 --> 01:03:03,600
- Yes!
- No, t-tell them
1045
01:03:03,641 --> 01:03:05,472
- that's everything's under control.
- That's not gonna work.
1046
01:03:05,509 --> 01:03:08,273
Oh, God damn it!
I'll be right there.
1047
01:03:15,419 --> 01:03:17,853
- Yeah!
- Live the moment! Live it!
1048
01:03:20,858 --> 01:03:23,088
Fuck.
1049
01:03:23,127 --> 01:03:25,789
I lost count.
Fucking singles.
1050
01:03:28,332 --> 01:03:32,495
$2,403.
1051
01:03:32,535 --> 01:03:35,027
- That's a start.
- Wait, a start?
1052
01:03:35,072 --> 01:03:37,471
- You said if we got you the money...
- I said that it will buy you
1053
01:03:37,507 --> 01:03:39,271
till the end of the day.
1054
01:03:40,644 --> 01:03:43,305
This shit ain't even remotely close
to the street value.
1055
01:03:43,346 --> 01:03:45,338
How much?
1056
01:03:50,053 --> 01:03:52,453
- 50.
- Thousand?
1057
01:03:52,489 --> 01:03:56,926
No, cents, stupid.
50 fucking thousand.
1058
01:03:56,960 --> 01:03:58,451
US.
1059
01:03:59,563 --> 01:04:03,260
Let's call it 49,
since I like you guys, huh?
1060
01:04:03,300 --> 01:04:06,462
You're both fucking nuts. Huh?
1061
01:04:06,503 --> 01:04:09,404
- I'll be waiting in the parking lot.
- So you're just leaving, then?
1062
01:04:09,439 --> 01:04:10,929
You don't see
what's going on here?
1063
01:04:10,974 --> 01:04:12,373
You don't see
what we're up against?
1064
01:04:12,408 --> 01:04:14,672
We could use a psychoism fiend
with a lot of green
1065
01:04:14,711 --> 01:04:16,201
and you're turning your back on us.
1066
01:04:16,246 --> 01:04:19,477
Go take care of yourself, Ed.
1067
01:04:19,516 --> 01:04:20,813
Guess it's what you're best at.
1068
01:04:20,850 --> 01:04:23,615
I'm not fucking around!
1069
01:04:23,654 --> 01:04:25,883
The money or you're
both marked, man.
1070
01:04:29,459 --> 01:04:31,393
Weed legends or not.
1071
01:04:38,034 --> 01:04:40,195
We're live at the prestigious
Morgan High School
1072
01:04:40,236 --> 01:04:43,940
where a group of angry parents
are protesting the school's decision
1073
01:04:43,975 --> 01:04:45,932
- to drug test...
- Who are you?
1074
01:04:45,976 --> 01:04:48,966
- We're with Channel 5 News.
- That thing's on?
1075
01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:51,572
Yes, we're live right now.
1076
01:04:51,614 --> 01:04:53,877
What would you like to say
to Headmaster Gordon?
1077
01:04:53,916 --> 01:04:57,216
- Is he watching?
- If he were watching.
1078
01:04:58,288 --> 01:05:01,621
What do you mean "were"?
W- Was he watching?
1079
01:05:01,658 --> 01:05:04,184
- Is this the past?
- Cut the feed.
1080
01:05:04,228 --> 01:05:06,218
Is that that same school?
1081
01:05:06,262 --> 01:05:08,695
The gas company dude
says that it's not a gas leak.
1082
01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:11,291
We're checking the cafeteria
for salmonella.
1083
01:05:11,334 --> 01:05:14,497
I mean, what else could it be, huh?
1084
01:05:14,537 --> 01:05:17,028
- Asbestos?
- Those are the wrong symptoms, okay?
1085
01:05:17,073 --> 01:05:19,303
This is... this is more psychological.
1086
01:05:19,342 --> 01:05:23,177
It's kind of like
God's eye watching itself.
1087
01:05:23,214 --> 01:05:24,407
Jesus!
1088
01:05:24,447 --> 01:05:27,416
Why is everyone acting
like a bunch of baboons?
1089
01:05:27,450 --> 01:05:29,747
Yeah, I don't know.
1090
01:05:29,785 --> 01:05:32,846
It's... it's nuts, but we're having
1091
01:05:32,889 --> 01:05:35,187
a choice brainstorming session
just like you asked.
1092
01:05:35,225 --> 01:05:38,456
No one leaves this place
until we identify this problem.
1093
01:05:38,494 --> 01:05:41,224
Think, people!
This thing is out of control!
1094
01:05:41,264 --> 01:05:43,698
We have to shut it down!
1095
01:05:45,335 --> 01:05:47,599
What? Hey.
1096
01:05:52,208 --> 01:05:54,107
Just think, you did that.
1097
01:05:54,142 --> 01:05:55,973
How's that for an accomplishment?
1098
01:05:56,011 --> 01:05:57,673
Right?
1099
01:05:57,714 --> 01:05:59,204
Oh, come on.
1100
01:05:59,249 --> 01:06:01,217
Look, it's not like he's
irreparably damaged or anything.
1101
01:06:01,251 --> 01:06:02,275
- Leave me alone, Breaux.
- He's gonna be fine.
1102
01:06:02,318 --> 01:06:04,286
I am sick of your
pathological optimism.
1103
01:06:04,320 --> 01:06:06,845
My life is in the shit-house
because of you.
1104
01:06:06,889 --> 01:06:08,378
I didn't put a gat to your dome.
1105
01:06:08,423 --> 01:06:11,586
You smoked that fatty.
You puffed down. You got high.
1106
01:06:11,627 --> 01:06:14,255
You got you into this,
you judgmental hypocrite.
1107
01:06:14,296 --> 01:06:16,492
And to think I did all this bullshit
to try and help you.
1108
01:06:16,532 --> 01:06:18,499
I never had a single thing
to lose, dumbass.
1109
01:06:18,533 --> 01:06:20,024
Yeah, man, you don't need to tell me
you didn't have anything to lose.
1110
01:06:20,069 --> 01:06:21,832
Everybody knows that.
1111
01:06:25,341 --> 01:06:26,899
You know why we stopped
being homies, Henry?
1112
01:06:26,943 --> 01:06:29,376
Come on, man.
1113
01:06:29,411 --> 01:06:31,572
It's when your dad left your mom.
1114
01:06:31,613 --> 01:06:34,013
And that puts you
in the same place as me.
1115
01:06:34,049 --> 01:06:35,346
And having that thought
in your skull
1116
01:06:35,384 --> 01:06:37,352
scared the shit
out of you, didn't it?
1117
01:06:38,720 --> 01:06:40,712
That suddenly your life
could be anything like mine.
1118
01:06:40,757 --> 01:06:43,486
- That's not true, man.
- Fuck you.
1119
01:06:44,494 --> 01:06:46,587
You don't believe that truth,
then fuck you.
1120
01:06:47,763 --> 01:06:50,789
Go ahead, give up,
because I'm not done yet.
1121
01:06:50,832 --> 01:06:53,130
But I am sick and tired
of your candy-ass whining
1122
01:06:53,168 --> 01:06:55,534
when fucking one door
separates us from that footage.
1123
01:06:55,570 --> 01:06:57,561
- And you can't...
- Man, even if we could get in there...
1124
01:06:57,606 --> 01:06:59,096
I mean, even if we could
destroy the footage...
1125
01:06:59,141 --> 01:07:00,608
I mean,
what about Psycho Ed?
1126
01:07:00,642 --> 01:07:02,473
Man, where are we
gonna get $50,000?
1127
01:07:02,512 --> 01:07:06,277
Who is Psycho Ed?
1128
01:07:06,315 --> 01:07:09,307
Suck my wispy left nut, Sebastian.
You don't know shit.
1129
01:07:09,351 --> 01:07:11,079
Uh uh uh.
1130
01:07:11,118 --> 01:07:14,816
I know that you two
got the student body
1131
01:07:14,856 --> 01:07:18,553
and the faculty high
on marijuana brownies,
1132
01:07:18,593 --> 01:07:22,223
all because you didn't wanna risk
screwing up your finals
1133
01:07:22,265 --> 01:07:25,358
and losing valedictorian to me.
1134
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:27,699
And I know that
five minutes from now,
1135
01:07:27,737 --> 01:07:29,362
Dr. Gordon will know
as much himself.
1136
01:07:29,403 --> 01:07:30,392
If you say a word to anybody,
1137
01:07:30,438 --> 01:07:31,872
there's gonna be an 18-7
up in this bitch.
1138
01:07:31,907 --> 01:07:32,896
You feel me?
1139
01:07:32,941 --> 01:07:34,999
- Ah! Okay, okay. Ow!
- What do you want, Sebastian?
1140
01:07:35,042 --> 01:07:37,807
- Ow. Okay, okay. Fuck!
- What should have been mine.
1141
01:07:37,846 --> 01:07:40,441
And once you're exposed,
1142
01:07:40,483 --> 01:07:42,814
- I'll have it.
- Okay. Ow! Ow!
1143
01:07:42,851 --> 01:07:44,842
Sebastian, I'll throw
my English final.
1144
01:07:46,489 --> 01:07:49,081
If I fail it, you're valedictorian.
1145
01:07:49,123 --> 01:07:51,319
When you're expelled,
1146
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:54,089
I'm valedictorian anyway, asshole.
1147
01:07:54,128 --> 01:07:56,791
By default.
1148
01:07:56,832 --> 01:07:59,858
But if I fail, you win
by beating my GPA,
1149
01:07:59,901 --> 01:08:02,096
by earning it in the eyes
of everyone else.
1150
01:08:04,740 --> 01:08:06,731
Fine.
1151
01:08:06,775 --> 01:08:10,404
If you fail, Henry,
my lips are sealed.
1152
01:08:13,782 --> 01:08:16,080
Yes!
1153
01:08:19,154 --> 01:08:21,850
Do you people even realize
1154
01:08:21,890 --> 01:08:24,916
the significance
of the Boston Tea Party?
1155
01:08:24,960 --> 01:08:27,121
I mean, think about it...
it was tea.
1156
01:08:28,596 --> 01:08:30,826
A mere beverage.
1157
01:08:30,865 --> 01:08:34,460
It's like the beverage
gave the oppressed people...
1158
01:08:36,904 --> 01:08:38,873
leverage.
1159
01:08:38,907 --> 01:08:40,272
Beverage.
1160
01:08:40,308 --> 01:08:44,335
- Say it with me, come on. Beverage.
- Beverage.
1161
01:08:44,379 --> 01:08:48,212
Be-ver-age, you know...
1162
01:08:48,249 --> 01:08:51,047
Lick it real slowly, like...
1163
01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,315
like it was the nipple,
1164
01:08:53,354 --> 01:08:55,254
- the teat of your own mother.
- Beverage.
1165
01:08:55,289 --> 01:08:56,780
Beverage.
1166
01:08:56,825 --> 01:08:59,190
Ooh!
1167
01:08:59,226 --> 01:09:03,288
A sort of lurid chill goes
up and down my spine.
1168
01:09:03,331 --> 01:09:05,525
Don't stop!
Please, don't stop!
1169
01:09:05,566 --> 01:09:12,995
Beverage. Beverage.
1170
01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:15,133
Beverage.
1171
01:09:15,177 --> 01:09:19,135
Excuse me.
Is there a Mr. Henry Burke?
1172
01:09:22,117 --> 01:09:24,677
You haven't visited us yet,
Mr. Burke.
1173
01:09:24,719 --> 01:09:27,812
Can I borrow him
for five minutes, please?
1174
01:09:27,855 --> 01:09:29,846
Say beverage.
1175
01:09:29,890 --> 01:09:33,553
Nice and slow.
1176
01:09:33,594 --> 01:09:35,994
- Beverage.
- What the shit?
1177
01:09:36,030 --> 01:09:38,864
- Beverage.
- Beverage, that's it.
1178
01:09:38,900 --> 01:09:42,494
Beverage. Beverage.
1179
01:09:43,504 --> 01:09:45,234
Thanks.
1180
01:09:53,113 --> 01:09:55,104
All right, turn around.
Arms up.
1181
01:09:58,319 --> 01:10:00,344
Any needles?
Sharp objects?
1182
01:10:00,387 --> 01:10:02,355
- All right.
- What's this right here?
1183
01:10:02,389 --> 01:10:05,358
Oh, it's your penis.
1184
01:10:05,392 --> 01:10:07,222
Sorry about that.
1185
01:10:14,602 --> 01:10:16,569
Where have I felt this before?
1186
01:10:16,603 --> 01:10:19,835
Campus Stadium,
best Dead concert ever.
1187
01:10:19,874 --> 01:10:23,139
I toasted one just before
they opened with "US Blues. "
1188
01:10:23,177 --> 01:10:24,667
You were there, too?
1189
01:10:24,712 --> 01:10:26,840
You remember when we heard
that it was gonna rain?
1190
01:10:26,881 --> 01:10:30,441
And everybody joined hands,
young and old,
1191
01:10:30,483 --> 01:10:34,180
- and we sang that rain away.
- We just sang it away.
1192
01:10:35,789 --> 01:10:37,689
Fuck me.
1193
01:10:37,725 --> 01:10:39,454
Whoa.
1194
01:10:39,493 --> 01:10:44,226
We are all buttstonked.
1195
01:10:44,265 --> 01:10:46,165
Nuh-uh.
1196
01:10:46,200 --> 01:10:49,032
The sticky green.
1197
01:10:50,804 --> 01:10:54,034
The cannabis sativa.
1198
01:10:55,276 --> 01:10:58,870
The sinsemilla!
1199
01:10:58,912 --> 01:11:03,179
But how does someone
get the entire school roasted?
1200
01:11:04,585 --> 01:11:07,382
Oh, I... I got it, I got it.
1201
01:11:07,420 --> 01:11:09,412
I got it.
1202
01:11:10,757 --> 01:11:13,419
No, I lost it.
I lost it.
1203
01:11:13,459 --> 01:11:16,792
I lost it.
1204
01:11:16,829 --> 01:11:18,821
I had it.
1205
01:11:18,866 --> 01:11:20,959
You're useless.
1206
01:11:27,639 --> 01:11:31,132
Wait, wait. Welcome back.
1207
01:11:31,177 --> 01:11:35,045
- Oh, heart.
- Holy shit, that scared me.
1208
01:11:36,282 --> 01:11:39,081
Tameka, it's Brandon!
1209
01:11:39,119 --> 01:11:40,949
Quarantine the brownies
1210
01:11:40,987 --> 01:11:43,650
and send one away
to get tested, okay?
1211
01:11:43,691 --> 01:11:47,649
Okay. Oh, and bring me
a box of Cheez-Its.
1212
01:11:47,694 --> 01:11:49,457
All right, thanks.
1213
01:11:50,663 --> 01:11:54,394
Hey, Brandon,
how does a brownie take a test?
1214
01:12:08,514 --> 01:12:11,142
Attention.
1215
01:12:11,184 --> 01:12:13,550
Can you hear me?
1216
01:12:13,586 --> 01:12:17,283
Hello, this is Brandon.
1217
01:12:17,323 --> 01:12:21,055
Um, all uneaten brownies
need to be brought
1218
01:12:21,095 --> 01:12:22,652
to the administration offices.
1219
01:12:23,663 --> 01:12:25,154
Oh, no.
1220
01:12:25,199 --> 01:12:26,290
They have been contaminated,
1221
01:12:26,332 --> 01:12:28,492
so, please, don't eat them.
1222
01:12:28,533 --> 01:12:30,695
Please?
1223
01:12:30,737 --> 01:12:32,398
Don't... don't.
1224
01:12:32,438 --> 01:12:36,067
There is no need to panic.
1225
01:12:36,109 --> 01:12:39,510
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
1226
01:12:39,545 --> 01:12:41,479
Okay?
1227
01:12:43,216 --> 01:12:45,946
Everything is rad.
1228
01:13:09,141 --> 01:13:11,905
Mr. Burke, first time late,
1229
01:13:11,943 --> 01:13:13,878
ever.
1230
01:13:18,584 --> 01:13:22,520
Ah, well, it appears
you've all had a pleasant lunch.
1231
01:13:22,555 --> 01:13:25,615
- The salmon was boss.
- And the brownies were to die for.
1232
01:13:25,658 --> 01:13:28,592
So moist, so delicious.
1233
01:13:28,627 --> 01:13:30,857
Oh, my.
1234
01:13:30,896 --> 01:13:32,489
Shit.
1235
01:13:32,532 --> 01:13:35,159
This is a private meeting room.
1236
01:13:35,200 --> 01:13:38,466
You're fucking with me.
Arert you?
1237
01:13:39,471 --> 01:13:40,962
I'm...
1238
01:13:45,777 --> 01:13:48,837
I just... I didn't
expect it to be so sad.
1239
01:13:52,217 --> 01:13:55,210
All those books,
all that fire, I...
1240
01:13:55,254 --> 01:13:57,744
- Are you done with that?
- Oh, yeah, go for it.
1241
01:14:01,160 --> 01:14:04,128
- Clean yourself up, Miss Tombs.
- Fuck you.
1242
01:14:04,163 --> 01:14:06,096
Oh, my God.
1243
01:14:06,131 --> 01:14:08,565
Dr. Gordon?
1244
01:14:08,600 --> 01:14:11,194
Brandon wanted me to tell you
that all the marijuana brownies
1245
01:14:11,236 --> 01:14:13,033
have been quarantined.
1246
01:14:14,040 --> 01:14:16,599
Um, what does she mean?
1247
01:14:20,480 --> 01:14:23,881
Um, there's been an incident,
1248
01:14:23,916 --> 01:14:25,508
but everything's
under control, I assure...
1249
01:14:25,550 --> 01:14:27,244
The brownies we just ate?
1250
01:14:27,284 --> 01:14:32,120
They were more than likely,
1251
01:14:32,157 --> 01:14:36,821
uh, tainted with, ahem,
1252
01:14:36,862 --> 01:14:38,659
marijuana.
1253
01:14:42,802 --> 01:14:46,361
Yes, I... I think you're right.
Do you all feel that?
1254
01:14:46,403 --> 01:14:48,497
It's kind of like my soul
1255
01:14:48,540 --> 01:14:50,905
were swimming
within my own flesh.
1256
01:14:50,941 --> 01:14:53,172
It's rousing.
1257
01:14:54,513 --> 01:14:57,311
I think I just came.
1258
01:14:57,349 --> 01:15:00,216
Next up... Mr. Burke.
1259
01:15:23,842 --> 01:15:27,709
Um, "To be or not to be"...
1260
01:15:27,745 --> 01:15:30,271
Shakespeare's great question
to his character Hamlet,
1261
01:15:30,315 --> 01:15:33,647
his great challenge
to his audience in 1600
1262
01:15:33,684 --> 01:15:36,950
and today,
over 400 years later.
1263
01:15:43,094 --> 01:15:45,561
Hamlet, huh?
1264
01:15:45,596 --> 01:15:47,621
What a fucking pussy.
1265
01:15:47,665 --> 01:15:49,190
I mean, I didn't even read it.
1266
01:15:49,234 --> 01:15:52,600
I just Netflixed the DVD with
that "Mad Max" douche-bag in it,
1267
01:15:52,636 --> 01:15:56,072
but his uncle
iced his father, right?
1268
01:15:56,106 --> 01:15:59,042
Popped an 18-7 up in that motherfucker
and he's talking to ghosts and shit?
1269
01:15:59,077 --> 01:16:01,272
All like, "Daddy, Daddy,
what am I gonna do?
1270
01:16:01,313 --> 01:16:02,336
What am I gonna do?"
1271
01:16:02,379 --> 01:16:05,041
I mean, bitch, grow a pair
of clackers and snap out of it.
1272
01:16:05,082 --> 01:16:07,016
I mean, clearly this dude
needs some help.
1273
01:16:09,253 --> 01:16:12,017
Sad thing is
1274
01:16:12,056 --> 01:16:15,423
every time I think about Hamlet,
I think about myself...
1275
01:16:17,229 --> 01:16:23,065
too... too cautious, too deliberate,
planned perfection.
1276
01:16:23,101 --> 01:16:25,034
I'm reaching
for the unreachable,
1277
01:16:25,069 --> 01:16:28,004
something that, quite honestly,
I don't think is there.
1278
01:16:28,038 --> 01:16:30,598
And I get caught up in the bullshit
of trying to be perfect.
1279
01:16:30,641 --> 01:16:33,940
I forget about
what's right in front of me,
1280
01:16:33,978 --> 01:16:37,642
like the... like the other
aspects of my life.
1281
01:16:39,917 --> 01:16:44,081
My mom's gonna love me
whether or not I go to MIT.
1282
01:16:44,121 --> 01:16:46,646
And, you know,
being valedictorian
1283
01:16:46,690 --> 01:16:48,180
is not that big a deal, really.
1284
01:16:48,225 --> 01:16:49,988
I mean, it may seem
important now,
1285
01:16:50,027 --> 01:16:51,824
but in 10 years, you know,
that's just gonna be shit
1286
01:16:51,862 --> 01:16:53,830
that made me miss
the other moments,
1287
01:16:53,864 --> 01:16:57,766
the stuff I wanted to do
1288
01:16:57,801 --> 01:17:00,999
but I talked myself out of,
1289
01:17:01,039 --> 01:17:04,769
stuff my heart wants
but logic would trip over
1290
01:17:04,808 --> 01:17:09,939
like grabbing life by the balls
1291
01:17:09,980 --> 01:17:12,608
and going after the girl
I always thought was hot.
1292
01:17:16,820 --> 01:17:19,153
She's too hot for me.
1293
01:17:21,458 --> 01:17:23,450
So what's the point?
1294
01:17:25,396 --> 01:17:29,389
When you want
so hard for it to be
1295
01:17:29,433 --> 01:17:32,230
and it's just not to be,
1296
01:17:32,268 --> 01:17:34,260
there's nothing
you can do about it.
1297
01:17:41,946 --> 01:17:44,709
Uh, so anyway...
1298
01:17:47,217 --> 01:17:50,879
Hamlet's a punk-ass bitch
and Shakespeare's massively overrated.
1299
01:17:56,694 --> 01:17:58,389
Oh, shit.
1300
01:18:08,705 --> 01:18:09,933
Oh, fuck.
1301
01:18:17,614 --> 01:18:19,808
Yo, Henry.
1302
01:18:25,722 --> 01:18:28,190
I'll go out with you, dude.
1303
01:18:30,627 --> 01:18:32,116
Yeah.
1304
01:18:33,830 --> 01:18:36,994
Okay. Well, that's all
I wanted to say.
1305
01:18:37,034 --> 01:18:40,197
There's a lot of lies
1306
01:18:40,237 --> 01:18:44,866
I'd like to get out of my head...
1307
01:18:47,043 --> 01:18:48,807
Jesus.
1308
01:18:50,113 --> 01:18:52,547
You're not saying that because
you're high as fuck right now, right?
1309
01:18:52,582 --> 01:18:55,210
High as fuck right now?
1310
01:18:55,251 --> 01:18:57,185
Out of my head...
1311
01:18:57,220 --> 01:19:00,850
- We all are.
- Out of my head...
1312
01:19:07,730 --> 01:19:10,130
Out of my head.
1313
01:19:10,166 --> 01:19:13,897
Hey, I thought we had a deal.
1314
01:19:16,305 --> 01:19:17,739
You know what?
1315
01:19:17,775 --> 01:19:20,572
You can go fuck yourself,
you warped piece of shit.
1316
01:19:23,480 --> 01:19:25,639
Bravo, Henry.
1317
01:19:32,789 --> 01:19:35,656
Salutatoriars
a pretty big deal, too.
1318
01:19:39,362 --> 01:19:41,058
Tameka, have Brandon pull up
1319
01:19:41,098 --> 01:19:43,646
the surveillance footage
from the gym this morning
1320
01:19:43,681 --> 01:19:46,195
and summon Travis Breaux
and Henry Burke to my office.
1321
01:19:46,235 --> 01:19:48,726
Oh, and put on a fresh pot of coffee.
1322
01:19:57,180 --> 01:20:00,082
- Ahh.
- Right away, Dr. Gordon, but...
1323
01:20:00,117 --> 01:20:02,107
No buts, Tameka.
1324
01:20:02,151 --> 01:20:06,645
Except yours
in my face, you fucking...
1325
01:20:09,625 --> 01:20:13,685
It's just that Travis Breaux
is already here to see you, sir.
1326
01:20:33,483 --> 01:20:36,043
I know you're living life
in a hurry
1327
01:20:36,085 --> 01:20:39,646
So afraid to take it slow,
'cause reality is scary...
1328
01:20:39,689 --> 01:20:40,951
Henry Burke,
1329
01:20:40,990 --> 01:20:43,151
please report
to the administration office.
1330
01:20:44,893 --> 01:20:48,352
Henry Burke, please report
to the administration office.
1331
01:20:48,397 --> 01:20:50,694
Shit!
1332
01:20:50,732 --> 01:20:53,463
Where the fuck
is the administration office, man?
1333
01:20:53,503 --> 01:20:57,940
Ooh, oh, how the hell
did shit get so real?
1334
01:20:57,974 --> 01:21:00,874
It's hard for me to deal
1335
01:21:00,909 --> 01:21:05,676
Sometimes I just sit and think,
I thought it would be...
1336
01:21:05,714 --> 01:21:09,741
I've never felt so good in my life!
It feels so good!
1337
01:21:11,420 --> 01:21:13,546
It feels so good
1338
01:21:13,588 --> 01:21:15,921
to be alive
1339
01:21:15,958 --> 01:21:19,188
and an assistant dean!
1340
01:21:19,227 --> 01:21:22,163
I swear I never felt so alive...
1341
01:21:22,198 --> 01:21:26,395
Sunshine! Oh!
1342
01:21:29,404 --> 01:21:31,497
- Talk to me, Goose.
- Goose?
1343
01:21:31,540 --> 01:21:34,339
- It's me. I've got the video up.
- Bitching.
1344
01:21:34,377 --> 01:21:36,140
So I'm just gonna burn a copy
and bring it up
1345
01:21:36,178 --> 01:21:37,509
to Dr. Gordors office, then.
1346
01:21:37,546 --> 01:21:40,482
No, wait... no.
No, no, no.
1347
01:21:40,516 --> 01:21:42,506
Make a copy, don't burn it.
1348
01:21:42,551 --> 01:21:45,111
Make a copy and then bring it
to Dr. Gordors office.
1349
01:21:45,153 --> 01:21:48,178
Don't burn it. Idiot.
1350
01:21:48,222 --> 01:21:50,623
Henry Burke, please report
1351
01:21:50,659 --> 01:21:52,149
to the administration office
immediately.
1352
01:21:52,194 --> 01:21:55,322
- Aw, shit!
- Busted.
1353
01:21:55,363 --> 01:21:57,854
- What do we do?
- Hide the rest of the evidence.
1354
01:21:57,899 --> 01:21:59,424
Where did we leave it?
1355
01:22:07,943 --> 01:22:11,435
"Tameka.
Oh, Tameka, I need my coffee.
1356
01:22:11,479 --> 01:22:12,707
Black, extra sugar. "
1357
01:22:12,747 --> 01:22:15,113
Choke on it, motherfucker.
1358
01:22:35,537 --> 01:22:37,937
Just set it down.
1359
01:22:46,748 --> 01:22:50,809
My lord,
that's fucking good coffee.
1360
01:22:54,956 --> 01:22:57,618
Big day for you,
Mr. Breaux? Yes?
1361
01:22:59,027 --> 01:23:01,086
Yes.
1362
01:23:04,098 --> 01:23:05,861
Fuck!
1363
01:23:12,239 --> 01:23:14,470
Whoa! Hey!
1364
01:23:17,778 --> 01:23:20,145
Just so you know,
I have surveillance footage
1365
01:23:20,181 --> 01:23:22,513
being brought over here right now,
1366
01:23:22,550 --> 01:23:26,212
footage that caught you and all
your demonic acts in plain view...
1367
01:23:26,253 --> 01:23:29,417
you and our valedictorian,
Mr. Burke.
1368
01:23:31,292 --> 01:23:33,352
Henry has nothing to do with this.
1369
01:23:33,395 --> 01:23:36,488
So, you admit that you did?
1370
01:23:42,536 --> 01:23:45,369
Normally, discipline
is a passive exercise for me.
1371
01:23:45,406 --> 01:23:48,034
On rare occasion
I do relish it.
1372
01:23:48,075 --> 01:23:51,637
I must admit that
when you go down, and...
1373
01:23:53,214 --> 01:23:55,875
Believe me, you will
go down hard for this,
1374
01:23:55,916 --> 01:23:58,181
I will consider it
one of the highlights
1375
01:23:58,219 --> 01:24:02,712
of my career... meaning, my life.
1376
01:24:10,064 --> 01:24:12,532
Oh, no, helicopters.
1377
01:24:23,043 --> 01:24:24,908
What? What is he doing?
1378
01:24:24,945 --> 01:24:26,412
What's wrong with that kid?
1379
01:24:26,447 --> 01:24:28,711
I'll admit I'm no gem
of a student,
1380
01:24:28,749 --> 01:24:31,377
and for whatever stress I've put
my teachers through over the years,
1381
01:24:31,418 --> 01:24:34,616
I'm genuinely sorry,
but there's something worse
1382
01:24:34,656 --> 01:24:37,715
than a kid who breaks the rules,
fucks around, tokes down
1383
01:24:37,758 --> 01:24:41,956
on a bit of hakeem marijuolajuwon
now and again.
1384
01:24:41,995 --> 01:24:45,192
A middle-aged pimp
who pretends to be the judge
1385
01:24:45,232 --> 01:24:47,358
of all that is right
and good in the world.
1386
01:24:47,400 --> 01:24:49,266
What happened to you?
1387
01:24:49,303 --> 01:24:51,396
Did you fail miserably
somewhere along the lines
1388
01:24:51,438 --> 01:24:53,770
as a husband?
A parent?
1389
01:24:53,807 --> 01:24:55,331
You think that if you purify
1390
01:24:55,376 --> 01:24:58,039
your Morgan High
Kingdom of Nastiness,
1391
01:24:58,079 --> 01:24:59,375
you somehow purify yourself?
1392
01:24:59,413 --> 01:25:00,937
Is that it?
1393
01:25:04,318 --> 01:25:06,478
Well, the answer is...
1394
01:25:08,655 --> 01:25:10,145
no.
1395
01:25:17,998 --> 01:25:20,626
What the shit?!
What are you doing?
1396
01:25:20,667 --> 01:25:22,430
Get... get out of the van!
1397
01:25:22,469 --> 01:25:25,665
- What?
- Get out of my fucking van!
1398
01:25:25,705 --> 01:25:27,731
You broke the law,
1399
01:25:27,775 --> 01:25:30,174
you dosed the entire faculty
and student body
1400
01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:32,201
with hazardous amounts of THC,
1401
01:25:32,246 --> 01:25:36,478
and you are going
to jail, Breaux,
1402
01:25:36,517 --> 01:25:38,781
where you belong.
1403
01:25:38,819 --> 01:25:40,946
Oh, hell...
1404
01:25:40,988 --> 01:25:43,854
What the shit?
You get the fuck out of my van!
1405
01:25:48,561 --> 01:25:50,325
Whoa! Fuck!
1406
01:25:50,364 --> 01:25:52,525
Oh, fuck! Oh!
1407
01:26:00,140 --> 01:26:02,937
Oh, piss is on me!
1408
01:26:08,681 --> 01:26:11,650
My God, he is good.
1409
01:26:13,119 --> 01:26:15,714
Checkmate, Navaline.
1410
01:26:15,756 --> 01:26:18,246
Checkmate.
1411
01:26:19,460 --> 01:26:22,394
You should see
your face right now.
1412
01:26:22,428 --> 01:26:25,625
You look like my cat,
1413
01:26:25,665 --> 01:26:28,567
Dolly,
1414
01:26:28,601 --> 01:26:34,336
just as we pierced her abscess
sans nitrous oxide.
1415
01:26:34,374 --> 01:26:36,807
You prick.
1416
01:26:49,789 --> 01:26:51,724
Tick, tick, tick.
1417
01:27:11,444 --> 01:27:13,503
Are the police here,
God damn it?
1418
01:27:13,546 --> 01:27:15,538
They're on their way.
1419
01:27:19,018 --> 01:27:21,851
Time seems to be moving
very slowly.
1420
01:27:24,089 --> 01:27:26,456
Jesus fucking Christ.
1421
01:27:29,729 --> 01:27:33,187
Aw, hell, no.
1422
01:27:33,232 --> 01:27:40,033
- What?
- What?
1423
01:27:45,144 --> 01:27:46,371
Wha...
1424
01:28:12,538 --> 01:28:15,098
Tameka, have any more
of that coffee?
1425
01:28:15,141 --> 01:28:17,666
Oh, yeah, I should score
some of that.
1426
01:28:17,710 --> 01:28:19,701
You already drank
all the coffee, sir.
1427
01:28:19,745 --> 01:28:21,405
Damn!
1428
01:28:21,446 --> 01:28:24,847
- Going to a Huey Lewis concert?
- Why? Is he on tour again?
1429
01:28:24,883 --> 01:28:26,350
Entrez-vous.
1430
01:28:26,384 --> 01:28:28,352
Sorry about the delay.
1431
01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:30,786
Something weird happened
to the ray drive.
1432
01:28:30,822 --> 01:28:33,121
Luckily, though, I was able
to make a back-up
1433
01:28:33,159 --> 01:28:34,785
before everything crashed.
1434
01:28:34,826 --> 01:28:37,990
Perfect.
Go on, show it to us.
1435
01:28:38,030 --> 01:28:40,497
If a picture is worth 1,000 words,
1436
01:28:40,532 --> 01:28:44,969
then this footage should be
worth 1,000 pictures,
1437
01:28:45,003 --> 01:28:49,804
which would equal
a million... words.
1438
01:28:51,711 --> 01:28:55,511
Uh, Tameka,
bring the Johnson file.
1439
01:28:55,548 --> 01:28:58,812
- Wait, this isn't...
- Shut the door.
1440
01:29:08,193 --> 01:29:11,287
- Where would you like it?
- The filing cabinet, please.
1441
01:29:11,329 --> 01:29:14,891
- Malcolm, what's going on around here?
- I'll show you where I'd like it.
1442
01:29:14,934 --> 01:29:17,766
- What is... what... stop it!
- Sweetie, it's all right.
1443
01:29:17,802 --> 01:29:20,965
Dr. Gordon, get off!
That's my underwear, Dr. Gordon.
1444
01:29:21,006 --> 01:29:23,668
- What are you doing?
- Stupid elastic. God damn it.
1445
01:29:23,708 --> 01:29:25,801
- Get... get off of me!
- Daddy wants some chocolate!
1446
01:29:25,844 --> 01:29:28,039
Motherfucker,
this ain't "Monster's Ball!"
1447
01:29:28,079 --> 01:29:30,980
- Dr. Gordon, get off! Get off!
- Talk to me, baby!
1448
01:29:31,016 --> 01:29:34,110
I don't understand the... I...
1449
01:29:34,152 --> 01:29:36,746
- This is preposterous!
- Back up!
1450
01:29:36,788 --> 01:29:38,848
You want your nuts stapled together?
Is that what you want?
1451
01:29:38,891 --> 01:29:40,652
- No, no.
- What is wrong with you? What the fuck?
1452
01:29:40,691 --> 01:29:43,217
- I'm... I'm...
- Motherfucker, you ain't Billy Bob
1453
01:29:43,261 --> 01:29:44,728
- just 'cause you have a porn stash.
- What?
1454
01:29:44,763 --> 01:29:47,789
- Never do that... never do that again.
- I promise I won't, Tameka.
1455
01:29:47,832 --> 01:29:49,925
You don't understand.
My wife has crabs.
1456
01:29:49,968 --> 01:29:51,697
- Ooh.
- I can't help it. I'm...
1457
01:29:51,736 --> 01:29:53,863
You two, you can go now.
1458
01:29:53,905 --> 01:29:56,203
Wait! I've still got your piss.
1459
01:29:56,241 --> 01:29:58,436
I've got your pissss.
1460
01:29:58,476 --> 01:30:01,172
If there's so much
as an errant molecule,
1461
01:30:01,212 --> 01:30:04,578
you will have to spend
the rest of your lives
1462
01:30:04,615 --> 01:30:07,676
sans a high school diploma.
1463
01:30:07,719 --> 01:30:11,155
That's assuming
inculpatory facts not in evidence.
1464
01:30:11,189 --> 01:30:13,453
Reveal your identity, sir.
1465
01:30:13,491 --> 01:30:15,721
- Shit, it's a trap.
- What?
1466
01:30:15,760 --> 01:30:17,728
The police put a transmitter
in my teeth.
1467
01:30:17,762 --> 01:30:20,424
I'm Edward Esquire,
cheese-dick.
1468
01:30:20,465 --> 01:30:24,366
And it violates
"Katzv United States," 1964,
1469
01:30:24,401 --> 01:30:25,994
when the Supreme Court
set the standards
1470
01:30:26,037 --> 01:30:27,765
for reasonable
expectations of privacy.
1471
01:30:27,805 --> 01:30:33,005
Certainly, one could argue
that piss is highly private.
1472
01:30:34,512 --> 01:30:36,673
Furthermore,
any statements by you
1473
01:30:36,715 --> 01:30:38,740
regarding these
two little assholes
1474
01:30:38,783 --> 01:30:41,342
won't stand up
in court because
1475
01:30:41,385 --> 01:30:45,185
you're blind off your gourd on
really high-caliber mari-hoo-hoo, bro.
1476
01:30:47,091 --> 01:30:49,060
Drug test his ass, man.
1477
01:30:49,094 --> 01:30:51,119
Would you agree to submit
to a drug test, sir?
1478
01:30:51,161 --> 01:30:52,651
- I...
- For the record,
1479
01:30:52,696 --> 01:30:54,927
he made it very clear
he didn't have any of the brownies.
1480
01:30:54,966 --> 01:30:57,559
Wha... honey-pie.
1481
01:30:57,601 --> 01:31:00,866
Would you agree
to kiss my hairy sack?
1482
01:31:00,904 --> 01:31:03,930
If you wanna sue this prick
for workplace sexual harassment
1483
01:31:03,974 --> 01:31:07,000
or, uh, score a chronic
sack of doobies,
1484
01:31:07,044 --> 01:31:09,672
just, you know, page me.
1485
01:31:09,713 --> 01:31:13,445
Uh, Mr. Esquire?
Can I have a card?
1486
01:31:15,519 --> 01:31:17,147
Did he molest you, too?
1487
01:31:17,188 --> 01:31:19,952
- In my mind.
- That's nasty, dude.
1488
01:31:23,594 --> 01:31:25,118
Thanks.
1489
01:31:39,610 --> 01:31:41,771
Dr. Gordon, what do you have
to say to the parents outside?
1490
01:31:41,812 --> 01:31:44,939
My... my balls feel all tingly.
1491
01:31:44,981 --> 01:31:48,179
Hi, son.
1492
01:31:48,218 --> 01:31:50,517
- Hi.
- Fuck you.
1493
01:31:50,555 --> 01:31:52,488
Oh, how pleasant.
1494
01:31:52,523 --> 01:31:54,457
10-4. Principal is in custody,
transporting back to station.
1495
01:32:06,904 --> 01:32:08,837
Take it easy!
1496
01:32:08,871 --> 01:32:10,567
Oh, I don't like that.
1497
01:32:10,607 --> 01:32:14,737
My colon.
Oh, my spastic colon!
1498
01:32:16,847 --> 01:32:19,248
Hey, you bastards!
1499
01:33:04,694 --> 01:33:09,097
We should, uh, you know,
kick it again sometime.
1500
01:33:09,131 --> 01:33:11,828
Come on, man.
1501
01:33:11,869 --> 01:33:13,530
- Be somebody.
- Oh.
1502
01:33:17,407 --> 01:33:18,840
Be somebody.
1503
01:33:18,876 --> 01:33:20,365
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- No, no.
1504
01:33:20,409 --> 01:33:21,933
- Be somebody.
- Be somebody.
1505
01:33:21,978 --> 01:33:24,071
- Be somebody.
- Got to... got to be somebody.
1506
01:33:24,113 --> 01:33:25,479
Twing, twing.
1507
01:33:25,515 --> 01:33:26,845
Weed done finally kicked in, man.
1508
01:33:26,883 --> 01:33:28,976
Yo, that's some
four-dimensional shit.
1509
01:33:29,018 --> 01:33:32,250
Where the fuck
is the administration office?
1510
01:33:32,288 --> 01:33:34,587
Are you fucking with me?
1511
01:33:34,625 --> 01:33:36,526
- What?
- What?
1512
01:39:11,226 --> 01:39:18,295
Beverage, beverage.
1513
01:39:21,168 --> 01:39:23,830
Class dismissed.
1514
01:39:27,307 --> 01:39:30,902
Cut.112329
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