Original subtitles

Jd

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North and south America,

and all our ships at sea, let's get a fresh flesh... -Flash!

Congress today has called an emergency session,

but as yet no one has shown up.

And the president refuses to issue a statement,

having locked himself and the vice president

in his bath-room early this morning.

However, the first lady urges all, and I quote,

"seek comfort in the Bible," unquote.

A bulletin just in, the world's top scientists

are holding a conference in Washington, D.C.,

awaiting a statement from professor Gordon,

world authority on animal behavior and renowned physicist.

Gentlemen, we are in big trouble.

Sex madness perils planet!

Extra! Read all about it!

Sex madness perils planet!

Get it now, read all about it!

Sex madness perils planet!

Hey, scram you horny jerks!

Gentlemen!

As I have told you, we are in big trouble.

I think there is no need for me to describe to you

the incredible chaos our beloved planet

has been plunged into.

Of the disgrace-ful acts which are being committed

at this very moment!

In every apartment, on every street corner,

or on the rooftops!

In grass huts in the jungle, in igloos in the arctic.

In airports, in markets,

in movie houses, in the parks!

Yes, we are in big trouble.

Doctor Gordon...

All of us here are aware of the total degradation

that has overcome the masses,

but what are we going to do about it?

What is causing it?

Now I say it's a virus and we must find a vaccine for it!

It is not a virus,

any fool can see it's a case of mass hypnosis!

Hypnosis... ha! I've done research

and traced the cause to cans of bad passover tuna.

Tuna fish, tuna fish!

This guy's got Mercury on his brain!

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, we must be calm!

Future generations are depending on decisions made here today.

Now, I have discovered three things about this madness.

Number one, not all areas are affected.

Look around you, are anyone of you sexually aroused?

Yes, ha-ha-hal

anyone of you, huh? No!

Not all areas have been affected.

Number two, my son, who has been rep-resenting

United States at the tenth international ice hockey

playoffs in Tibet,

has discovered what appears to be a great beam of light

proceeding from some far off planet

whose appearance is simultaneous

with the first occurrence yesterday.

Number three, I discovered my wife...

In bed with the garbage man.

But what about your son, professor?

Did he find anything else out?

Yes professor, what are you holding back from us?

What's the scoop?

My son is at this very moment,

'on his way back to this country and as soon as he has landed...

We shall all find out.

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Mable towers, mable towers,

we're experiencing foul weather.

Sorry!

Oh, oooh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Is this your first flight? My first drink.

It's a terrible storm,

do you think we're going to make it?

Don't worry.

These new fordent trimotors are the safest things in the sky.

My name is Dale ardor, what's yours?

Flesh. Flesh Gordon.

Oh, professor Gordon's son?

Why yes.

Sir, look out!

Control yourself, Dale!

Control yourself, Dale! Dale!

Con-control yourself, Dale!

Sir, I've got a giant boner!

Well slap the damn thing down.

I can't!

I've got to keep this thing under control.

I can't!

Mable towers, mable towers.

You got two horny son-of-a-bitches here.

We're signing off.

Dale! There's no one at the controls!

The plane's going down!

Go down, go down!

Oh yes, oh yes. Oh, flesh.

Flesh! Flesh!

Oh, flesh!

Flesh!

Let me go!

Flesh!

Flesh... oh!

Jd

Dale. We'll have to bail out.

Flesh, oh my god, ooh.

Oh my god!

Just hold on!

I can't hold anymore!

Ooohhh. Oh!

Jd

Flesh, mmm.

Dale?

Dale, darling, are you all right?

You called me "darling."

Oh, flesh, what's happening?

- Can you walk? - I think so.

Here, put this on.

Jd

Flesh, what's that?

Come on, maybe we can get to a telephone there.

Stop.

Not another step further.

I know what you've come here for.

But you're not going to get it.

Look, I don't know who you think we are,

but this girl's hurt, and we gotta get to a telephone.

You see, we were flying along in this airplane from Tibet,

when suddenly we were hit by this sex ray from outer space.

And this unrestrained sex orgy ensued,

which both of the pilots joined in.

When I noticed the plane was going down,

I took over the controls

but they broke off in my hand.

So you see the young lady,

nearly overcome with sex madness,

and myself, bailed out just before the plane crashed.

And we landed just over there.

Do you take me for a fool?

Do you think I don't know you've come here to steal

the secret plans to my new interstellar,

hydrocombustion, miracle patented, micro-teflon,

nuclear, gamastaddle rocketship-plane-missle!

Which was twenty years in the making.

And employs a new updraft design,

which lifts the ship on small spirals

of synthetic strontium pellets.

Do you think I don't know that!

Well, I've never even heard of it.

So you're barking up the wrong tree.

Come here, young lady.

I would like to conduct a little experiment,

you see there's evidence that exposure to the sex ray,

increases the size of the secondary...

- Jerkoff! - What?

Flexi jerkoff, I thought I recognized you.

Why... why you must be flesh,

professor Gordon's son.

I was wondering why you knew so much about the sex ray.

Come, let me show you the ship.

Gosh, let me introduce you.

Dale ardor, this is doctor flexi jerkoff.

How do you do?

So you see, I've actually discovered which planet

the sex ray is coming from,

and fortunately, the straddle ship was ready just in time.

Oh, you can't know what it was like, out here,

all alone when the sex ray hit.

It was hell!

Fortunately, the rocket was completed before that happened,

and the design was not influenced.

You look so funny.

Jd

Oh, the likeness is incredible.

I was able to get most of the parts

from the sears catalogue.

And you really think it will make it to

the outer reaches of the solar system?

It's got to.

It's the last hope humanity has.

Flesh... Dale...

Will you come with me?

It will be a dangerous trip,

and I don't know what we're likely to encounter out there,

but someone has got to save the earth

from the treacherous clutches of that evil ray.

What do you think, Dale?

Flesh, let's do it.

Sure, why not, we'll give it a try.

Wonderful!

The planet's orbit will bring it closest to the earth

in approximately...

Six minutes!

And there's much work to be done.

Come, follow me.

Jd

Where do you want these, doc?

Right over there flesh, storage bin c.

Jd

What's this gizmo do, doc?

Don't touch that dial!

I had an assistant once who touched that dial.

Touch that dial.

Gee doc, you really got a lot of neat stuff.

Did it take you a long time to put it all together?

Don't bother me now, flesh, it's almost ready.

Get the door.

Which button, doc?

That one.

Ignition.

- Ready, Dale? - Ready, flesh.

All right, hang on. We're taking off.

Fire rocket one.

Jd

Fire rocket two.

Jd

Jd

Hang on now,

we're going through the moronosphere.

Jd

Jd

Jd

Look, Dale!

The moon!

The earth!

Oh, it's beautiful.

Jd

Wow! I can see the Great Lakes!

There's lake Ontario, lake Michigan,

lake superior...

What is it, Dale?

The sex ray, we're heading right for it,

change course quick!

It's... it's jammed, flesh, I can't move it!

Let me try!

Jd

Another episode like that, and I'll be ready

for the old folk's home.

Jd

Hey doc, what sort of planet does it look like to you?

Definitely inhabited, flesh.

No natural force could have affected us

the way that sex ray did.

And look at those green areas over there...

It's probably forest or jungle, I should think.

And those are desert areas over there.

This planet even has frigid polar regions,

not unlike those of earth.

Let's have a closer look, shall we.

Jd

Hang on, we're going down.

Jd

Forgive me, your protuberance,

but at this moment an alien ship approaches porno.

Probably the earth people.

Bring the ship down,

but I want the earthlings brought to me unharmed.

Understand?

Yes, your protuberance.

Jd

Not too close, look!

Do you suppose they're friendly?

Jd

The starboard gammamodulator's been hit!

- I'll fix it. - Oh no!

I can't control the ship, flesh!

- Hold on, jerkoff! - Do something, flesh!

I think we're going to crash.

Oh! Oh, no, what's going to happen?

Hurry, flesh!

I'm hurrying, jerkoff, I'm hurrying!

Save us!

Oooooohhhhhh.

I'm trying to!

Hurry flesh!

We're in deep trouble flesh.

Ah, come on, jerkoff!

Oh, flesh, do something!

- Hurry! - Dale, quick!

Give me a Bobby pin! Come here!

Here's one!

Oh...

Save us.

Jerkoff, I think I've fixed it!

- Oh, god! - You're right.

She's beginning to respond to the controls.

All right now, hang on.

Hold on Dale.

The ship's falling apart!

- Hold on, Dale! - I'm holding on.

I'm taking her down.

Jd

Jd

Dr. jerkoff, Dr. jerkoff!

Are you all right?

Oh, flesh. I think so.

Is the ship badly damaged, flesh?

I don't know, let's go outside and have a look.

Yes.

Oh, Dale.

Just a moment, I think I have something here.

For, uh... yes.

It was my mother's. She was buried in it.

Good, there's oxygen on this planet.

This is the strangest place I've ever seen.

I wonder why they didn't send the welcoming committee?

They did, look!

Quick, into that cave!

Jd

Sist and decease!

Jd

Quick, in here!

Jd

Hep, hep, hep.

Hep, hep, hep.

Left, left, left.

You men search over there.

Left, left, left...

They'll be coming back.

Let's go this way, maybe there's another way out.

Jd

It's so strange in here.

Flesh, it almost looks alive.

What is it, flesh?

I'm not quite sure.

Jd

And what unusual formations and textures.

Why, this is like no rock known to science.

It's.

It's not hard like a rock,

it's...

Whoaaaaaaaaal

great galaxies!

What is it doc?

Some species of penisaurus, I should think.

This way!

Jd

Jerkoff! She'd down!

What... oh, oh!

Better get this, jerkoff.

Oh, you beast, get away from me!

You stink!

All right, flesh.

Stand aside.

Oh, no!

Jd

Left, left, left...

Ah, ha.

Oh!

Flesh!

What was that?

The earth people. It came from down there.

After them. - Run.

Nol

there they are.

What?

Take the earthlings alive. Tie them up.

- I got dibs on the girl. - The blonde giant's mine.

Leave the bearded one for me.

Jd

Jd

Your sickness, we have captured the earth people,

and await your command.

The earth people, eh?

Bring them to me at once.

Fetch the earth people here!

His sickness will seeeee theeemmmm!

Stop shouting, you dildo.

Jd

Why have you come to the planet porno?

To destroy the terrible sex ray that has brought

chaos to our beloved planet earth.

I should think you'd be thanking me.

But no matter.

No power in the universe can ever hope to squelch

the infinite force of my sex beam.

But why must you do this thing?

The earth is a peaceful planet

and poses no threat to you!

I'll tell you later.

But, how did you get here?

The straddle ship I constructed.

A scientist, eh?

I could use a brain like yours.

Guards!

Take him to the laboratory and show him what to do.

No, no, no!

Jd

Bring the earth woman closer.

No! No!

By the goddess yumi, you are beautiful!

My eyes have never beheld such loveliness.

You shall be my bride!

Nol

ohhhh, she is exquisite,

she is exquisite.

Take your filthy, vellow hands off her!

Don't touch her, I'll kill you!

Silence! Get him off me!

Take him!

Take him to the sex depletor and bring me his essence!

It should add immeasurably to the pleasure

of our wedding night.

Stop.

The blonde giant shall not be depleted.

Amora. As queen of darkness,

and guardian of the sacred power pasties,

you have the privilege to spare him only

if he survives the torture I ordain.

I sentence him to trial by ordeal.

So be it, then, wang.

But if he survives, he's mine!

To the arena with him!

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

To the depletor with him!

He's mine, he's mine, he's mine,

he's mine, he's mine!

After them, you ninnies!

Jd

Sleep now, and forget.

Forget all.

We shall love, and my body...

Will be linked forever with yours.

When you awake, you shall be my king of darkness.

Jd

Jd

Oh, Gordon...

Jd

Your protuberance, we have spotted queen amora's ship

over the forest kingdom.

Shoot them down, and bring them to me!

But your assholiness,

the forest people and we are sworn enemies.

We could not survive a landing in this realm.

Are you afraid of a few vegetables?

I gave you my orders!

I will be obeyed!

Yes, degenerate one.

Make ready for the ceremony!

Porno shall have a new queen tonight.

Out of my way, dildo!

Guard, I need your help.

Here, hold that.

This, hold that too...

And this also, please...

And just one more thing,

that's it.

Very good.

Put up your hands!

Jd

Down, please.

Jd

Give me the keys.

Jd

Jd

Oh, come in me!

Damn, you magnificent giant.

Come, come, come!

And bind us forever in darkness.

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

- W... - A

- n... - G.

Emperor wang is the one for me,

without him, the planet porno,

would be ever so forlorno.

Francis newberry.

Jd

Jd

Jerkoff!

Flesh! I thought you were amora.

This is all I could find to wear.

How'd you get away from wang's palace?

When I discovered wang's plan to destroy amora's ship,

I overpowered the guard with a radium gas

I developed in wang's laboratory.

And, disguising myself as a pirate,

followed the bomber ship and swooped down to rescue you.

What about Dale?

Even at this very moment, the ceremony which will render

Dale and wang man and wife draws ever nearer

its fateful conclusion.

It's no use, flesh.

Alone, we would be powerless to stop it.

Flesh, look!

I had led an evil life.

And my thoughts have arisen from the seeds

of darkness and greed. Take these stones.

These are the source of my power.

And with them, destroy wang

and his insidious schemes.

These, my power pasties,

are the only force that can stop the sex beam.

Once accomplished, earthlings,

my spirit shall at last rest in peace.

She was a noble woman, flesh.

Took a lot of guts.

She was a brave scout.

Come on, doc, we haven't got much time to lose.

Wait a minute doc, I can't go like this,

I feel silly. Don't worry, flesh.

I think I've got something for you in the ship.

Come on, jerkoff, we've got to stop wang!

- All right, flesh. - Come on!

Oh please.

Left, left, left, left...

Jd

I eft...

There they are!

Jd

You may...

Kisssss the bride.

Ahhh, ha-ha...

Come here, my little bottle cap.

Get away from me you slimy snail!

Oh!

Jd

That's all for this rancid affair, you Turkey!

Stop!

The wedding's over, wang!

After them, you dildos!

Jd

Amateurs!

The pasties, jerkoff!

Jd

All right, wang, where is she?

What have you done with Dale?

So help me if you lay a hand on her I'll...

You're too late, you fool!

She was spirited away barely a breath

before love's first kiss.

I have been robbed of my beautiful virgin bride.

Shall I give it to him now, flesh?

Not now doc, he's been through enough.

If you find her, tell her I love her!

Stop fighting me foolish woman, I'm trying to save you!

Halt!

I have brought the earth girl.

Follow me.

Jd

No, no, where are you taking me!

No, no, take me back to flesh.

I no!

Nol

Jd

The earth girl.

We've been hoping you'd drop in,

ever since we heard of your opposition to emperor wang.

But, perhaps I should explain.

Am chief Nellie.

Commander of the vast and powerful

Amazon underground of porno.

An organization solely devoted to the over-throw

of wang and his corrupt male chauvinist regime.

But what does that have to do with me?

Our spies have been watching you closely,

because of your determined and flagrant dislike

of wang and his cohorts...

We, uh, have decided to initiate you into our ranks.

But I want the earthman, flesh Gordon.

You will be of more use here with us.

No! No...

Jd

Wait, what are you doing?

I've gotta get back to flesh!

Jd

Jd

Ranks in formation, for selection inspection.

Mmm, very nice face, very pretty.

Nice nipple. Ohhhh, yes, mmm-mmmbh...

Pretty hair, nice, shiny...

What are you doing to your nipples, zerig?

They look very nice. Very nice.

Face is nice... Turn around, let's see.

Bend over, let's see.

Oh, yeah, real nice.

Very nice. Nice bottom.

Mmmm, no! No good.

Step forward.

Oh excellent, excellent, prepare yourself, you'll do.

No, no! Oh!

Jd

Flesh! Flesh!

No! Get away!

Flesh! No! No!

Get away! Get away!

Flesh!

Flesh! Flesh!

Flesh! Nol

jerkoff.

I heard Dale... she's in some sort of trouble.

Jerkoff, I hear Dale... She's in some sort of trouble.

Dale!

Get away! Get away!

We're in some sort of pit, doc.

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Here let me try.

Try to get us outta here.

Didn't work.

Stand back, flesh.

Jd

Come on, doc.

There she is, doc.

Good lord, flesh, they're dykes!

Dykes!

Don't any of you try anything now.

I've got the power pasties and I know how to use 'em.

You, get back there with the others.

I know your kind.

Now what were you doing down here?

What were you doing with Dale?

Get back there!

Jerkoff!

Jd

Jd

No, no! You might hit flesh.

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

What happened to it, flesh?

An arrow.

A poison tipped arrow, in fact.

Whoever you are, we owe you our lives.

Nonsense.

I was happy to do it, for you see...

I'm prince precious,

rightful heir to the throne of porno.

Years ago this planet was a veritable paradise,

but wang, a maniacal botanist,

whose organ was devoured by a crazed penis flytrap,

could not tolerate the existence of so much pleasure.

And so, banding together an army of the impotent

and frustrated, and armed with a small,

but effective, sex ray,

plunged my palace into carnal chaos,

and took it over, exiling me,

and my few advisors, to what is now known as

the forest kingdom.

Then you feel that, together,

we might put an end to wang's savage reign.

And that our new cosmic friendship might inspire

an everlasting bond of kindness and love

between the peoples of this planet and yours.

If there's anything I can ever do to repay you.

Jd

Jd

Stay a while, flesh, the fun's just beginning.

I'd like to, precious, but I can't.

I'd better get back to the lab with doctor jerkoff

and help him work on the destructo beam.

Come, I'll go with you.

Jd

Oh, flesh, I was just going to send for you.

What happened, doc?

Any scientist could tell you, flesh.

Now, the beam is finished and ready to be tested.

Now, if my calculations are correct,

one blast from my device and wang's odious sex ray

will be utterly smashed to smithereens.

Well, how does it work, doc?

I'll show you.

First, we have to attach the power pasties.

Let me help you.

Jd

Now, over there is a scale model of wang's sex ray,

surrounded by an electromagnesium force field

so impervious, that were it not for

the energy of queen amora's power pasties,

we could never hope to destroy it.

Now, stand back.

Watch this.

- Wow! - Fantastic, doctor.

That's incredible.

Congratulations. Congratulation.

It works, jerkoff.

It's the eighth wonder of the world.

I knew it would.

Then all we have to do is mount it in a ship.

And blow wang's evil ray to atoms.

Then we can go home, can't we, flesh?

With good luck, and good weather, Dale,

we'll be home tomorrow night.

Oh, flesh.

- Let me prepare the ship. - Yes, yes.

To the ship!

Jd

Your aloneness, the earthmen have invented a gun,

with which they plan to destroy our sex ray.

Ah!

I have had enough of these meddlers!

They have interfered with the affairs of my regime

for the very last time,

and they will be stopped.

Now, listen carefully.

Jd

Doc, we're getting close to wang's palace.

Just one more minute, flesh, I'm almost ready.

Careful!

This device has a delicate electromagnetic balance.

Any disturbance can blow us all to atoms!

There it is, jerkoff, the sex ray.

It's the forest flyer, sound the alarm!

They've spotted us, jerkoff, get ready.

Now!

Stop him!

He...

Get him. My pasties!

Jd

Pull the ship up, quick!

Jd

- It's stuck! - Let me give it a try.

Jd

Flesh, we're doomed!

Jd

Jd

We've stopped falling, what's happened?

We've fallen into some sort of magnetic beam.

It's drawing us safely down.

But why would wang want to save us?

He doesn't! Look!

Jd

Jd

Jd

When last seen, our hapless heroes were about to be crunched

into oblivion by the perverted wang's chomping jaws.

Is there no justice on porno?

Jd

Dale, this is yours.

Jd

Dr. jerkoff.

Here's one for you, flesh.

Jd

Dale, are you all right?

I'm all right, flesh.

It's really a shame about that other guy,

stealing your pasties like that,

and he was my best boy.

What ever happened to the other fellow?

We only had four parachutes.

Oh.

Jd

Come on, we've got to get to wang.

Jd

Come on, flesh, let's go! Hurry up!

Jd

Jd

There he goes, after him.

Jd

Jd

Your struggles are useless!

You are trapped and you shall not live!

I have tolerated your feeble attempts to thwart me

for the very last time!

We have ways of dealing with you, yankee.

See how you like my royal flush, earthling!

- What is it? - The floor!

Oh, no.

Jd

- There used to be one. - That's it, earthlings.

Goodbye, Gordon. Sweet dreams.

Oh.

Here it comes.

Jd

Bye, bye!

- Nice knowing you, flesh. - Yes, it was, thank you.

Jd

J flesh Gordon is dead hey j

j flesh Gordon is dead hey j

j flesh is dead j

j Gordon is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

j baby flesh Gordon is dead j

jd

J flesh Gordon is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

j flesh is dead j

j flesh is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

j dead dead dead dead j

jd

J flesh Gordon is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

your lowness.

Oh-oh, great impotentate, I have done as you commanded,

and I brought you the power jewels.

Though the earthmen cannot now destroy the sex beam,

they're alive and loose in the palace...

Never mind that,

I have dealt with them already!

Give me the Jewel.

Did the nasty spy frighten my babies?

Never mind that,

little wangy-pangy is going to take care of you all.

Wangy favors you with a trinket,

my little peanut-butter cup.

Hmm.

Mmm.

What do you mean it's stuck?

- It's stuck! - Stuck?

What do you mean, stuck?

Stop!

. Flesh Gordon!

The Jewel, wang! The Jewel, where is it?

Gimme that Jewel,

or so help me I'll finish you right here and now!

Let me have him, flesh.

I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.

The Jewel, wang, where is it?

You guess!

Jd

- Am I gettin' warm? - Oh, very warm.

- Is it this, flesh? - No, that's not it.

Jd

Give me that Jewel.

Give me that Jewel this minute, do ya hear?

Ah, I can't, it's stuck.

What do you mean, it's stuck?

Gimme that Jewel!

I can't!

Idiot, you thought you could defy me,

but you have yet to tangle with my rapist robots.

Jd

It's stuck!

Jd

Oh, I wish I had a picture of this.

Give me that Jewel this minute, do ya hear?

Flesh!

Jd

What-a-way to go, eh, earthman?

In a flash of mechanical ecstasy.

Flesh! Flesh!

Flesh! Flesh!

Flesh!

No! Nol

jd

Fools!

Idiots!

What do you think you're doing?

What-a-way to go, hey, wang?

You have not heard the last of wang.

Jd

Flesh, come on, we can't let wang get away.

Never mind wang now,

we have to get the Jewel and save the earth.

That reminds me...

Oh, I can't, I can't!

Spit it out!

It's stuck!

Jd

A plague, a pox, a pestilence of storm!

Anything, anything, oh, great one!

The fate of all evil rests in your hands!

Arise, arise, and destroy your enemies,

and avenge the glorious cause of perversion!

Jd

Ooh, boy.

I just love murder.

Out of my way, you little fart.

Jd

A monster's work is never done.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Mmm-mmm_

Jd

Oh, fuck.

Stop, look...

Listen.

Too late now, my imbecilic siblings!

The sex ray is too good for your earth!

I'm going to burn your fucking planet

to a fucking crisp!

Jd

Watch your back!

Well...

Mmm.

How delightful.

He's got Dale!

Quick jerkoff, use the destructo beam to kill him!

I dare not, at this distance there's too great

a risk of hitting Dale.

If only we could get closer.

Wait a minute, we'll use wang's rocket ship.

Come on.

Jd

Ah, you and I are going to be good friends.

Coochie.

Jd

And...

Wow.

Well, this is the tower of murder,

and it's where I hang out.

Oh, oh, no.

Are you having a good time?

Jd

Come on, jerkoff.

Ooh, flesh!

Flesh, save me.

God, it's high.

Jd

Hmm.

Yes, you're incredible.

I wonder how you'd look in black...

Nylons.

What do you think of that, hmm?

Hmm? Huh?

Oh...

Hmm-hmm.

Hmm-hmm.

Jd

I just want to look at your tits.

There she is, doc.

Jd

Hey, they're getting serious.

Okay, doc, get ready.

Ready, flesh.

Fire!

Doc, you missed!

I know I missed. I'll get him.

Well, I never.

Jd

Up yours, Gordon.

Oh, wow, uhf, pain.

And now, you get...

Yours.

Get away.

My ass.

My ass.

Pain, humiliation. Hemorrhoids.

Jd

- Dale, are you all right? - Oh, flesh.

Gordon.

Let's do it fast, flesh!

For this you'll pay.

No one burns my ass and lives to get laid.

Oh, shit!

Jd

Jd

- Goodbye, jerkoff. - Goodbye, prince.

And Dale.

- Goodbye flesh. - Precious.

We'll miss you around here.

Don't worry, precious, I'll be back,

and next time it'll be a friendly visit.

With wang out of the way and his terrible regime dispersed,

the universe is once again safe for democracy and freedom,

and the right of all due happiness,

each according to his own personal

religious convictions.

Jd

Goodbye, flesh.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Bye. - Have a safe journey.

- It's been grand. - Yes.

We'll see you. Goodbye.

Goodbye, precious.

Be sure and write us.

Take care precious.

- Okay, see ya. - Be good.

- Bye now. - So long.

Adios.

Jd

Jd

There she is, the earth.

Jd

Oh, flesh, there's no place like home.

the designers, the modeling agencies, the consumers.

Like, we're all, we all have got to take a bit of blame on our shoulders.

And we've all got to act to make that change, you know.

So, there is a lot more we can be doing in Cosmo.

Likewise, consumers need to stand up and have a voice,

and have their say and vote with their wallet.

Designers need to look at, well, is it time to start investing in bigger blocks

and cutting, you know, larger sizes that fit women, and sell more garments.

You know and-- if everyone can just lift and do that little bit extra.

I'm not-- I'm not sitting here saying, -Oh, we're not the bad guy. Don't blame us.-

Because there is-- like, you know, as a mother, I've got two daughters

and I don't want my children growing up-

I don't want those girls growing up with bad body image.

I don't want them looking at magazines going, -I feel terrible about my body.

I'm not skinny enough, I'm not fit enough, I'm not fashionable enough,

I'm not whatever enough.-

You know, so, we certainly have a responsibility,

and I don't shrug that and think -Oh, we're doing, what we're doing, so don't blame us,

go and blame somebody else.- You know,

I'm putting my hand up to take some of that blame, but we're trying to do something about it.

You know, and-- and it's, it's walking that fine line between, being business and making money,

but also having that ethical, moral, social responsibility.

This revolution is carried out by people, not the fashion industry.

And since people are the real protagonists of this movement, of this phenomenon,

social media very useful to, to achieve our goals because they are the only,

the only means, the only way to let

bigger and bigger number of people know that plus sized women count.

We have to keep encouraging brands to include more plus size models.

I mean, we're the public.

We're the ones spending money on clothing.

We're the ones pushing the industry, so we need to push it forward.

We need to create the momentum that'll bring in more diversity, bring in more plus size models

of different shapes, different heights that we can all relate to.

I am absolutely amazed and shocked this year at how much traction

the movement has gotten because it really has been grassroots.

And in some ways now, I feel like the media, mainstream media is almost trying to latch itself

onto it and you know, make it this cool thing.

And it's like, -Just so you know, you didn't make this happen.

You're late to the game, we made this shit happen.-

We've created our own celebrities.

It's because there is nobody to look up to.

And then you have girls like Gaby Fresh, and the Curvy Fashionista,

and Nadia Aboulhosn and like all these girls down in the States that have just gone huge.

I love my fans. I do.

They are so sweet and,

you know, they post on my Facebook wall with um,

you know, little stories about their lives and how I've inspired them.

And I find it like really touching and it really inspires me to keep doing what I'm doing.

I think that sometimes I keep going in this career as a plus model

because I know that they're watching me.

I know that I inspire them.

I know that they want to be-- they think when they see me, -If Liris can do it, I can do it.-

Yeah, I think this is very important because growing up I had no one that looked like me

to look up to, like no one.

So, I'm so glad when I get messages from young girls that say,

-Oh my god, you look like me, so cool, like.- And I felt like, this is like the best gift

of the work, is like, inspiring younger girls and tell them it's okay to be you.

And this is, yeah, the most rewarding part of everything.

It's, it's this.

It's being a part of this revolution, being a part of the change.

Yeah, that's amazing.

I don't like hospitals.

It was, it wasn't fun being here, but it was like I had, nice nurses and everything.

It wasn't, it wasn't too smooth a sail in there, the first couple of days.

No, it was, yeah it was eight and a half hours long.

Four surgeons total, and five anesthesiologists, bunch of nurses.

Yeah, the nurses were so nice.

I gave them one of my calendars here for-- so tried to maybe spread the story a little bit

to a couple of people, but I didn't really want to deal with any

Elly Mayday crap this week, you know.

People that were helping me weren't really helping me.

They didn't understand that I didn't want as much media.

I don't want a bunch of media coverage over my sickness.

I want to be healthy.

So, um, yeah, when I-- when I do all this media coverage, I wanted to be ready to go

and like looking decent normal and stuff.

And so, it kind of took off a little bit sooner than I wanted it to and so that really sucks.

I'm not known for cancer and that's my one thing, it's like.

I don't want to be known for cancer.

I wanna be known for being strong.

This wasn't a cancer story, this is a-- this is just part of my life.

This is a cancer bump.

You know, like what I've said along this whole time.

So, I didn't write a journal, like-- I feel like people who are gonna die, write a journal.

I know that sounds really silly, but in my mind, I always thought, like if I write out

how this all went then there's, there's a reason for it to end, you know.

If I don't, if I have kept this story then He has to let me tell it.

It's too good.

So, that's kind of what I held on to.

Yeah.

And we saw a big shift in the market with a lot of body positivity

A lot of, like, anti-airbrushing and a lot of wanting to see real people.

So, we've collaborated or we've purchased a lot of designer clothes.

So, names like William Rast, DKNY, Levi's, Parasuco.

So, these are all lines that weren't previously offered to plus.

We're just so happy to, to be a part of the changeover

especially for curvier sized women that that's no longer the mentality.

That we're no longer women crying in the dressing rooms

or wearing giant T-shirts to the beach.

Everything that we can do to make sure that every woman,

you know, looks and feels beautiful when they're in a swimsuit.

And if you look at the size of the population,

50% of women in Europe are what, what would be considered plus size.

Europe represents a 10 billion Euro opportunity.

Once people recognize just how big an opportunity that this is, they're going to go after it.

You know the market is opening up slowly and continuously.

I think some of the higher end media are using plus size models from time to time,

you know, in the high-end fashion publications.

I think through social media women, bigger women especially

have become a much stronger voice about what they want and how they want to be portrayed.

It's a cycle of the public and bloggers kind of feeding that information

back into companies and companies delivering.

Forever 21 is doing something incredible because they're being really inclusionary.

Especially if you go to their Times Square store, they have a huge plus size section.

I think the store's something like three or four stories.

It's a lot of clothes in there.

Larger brand stores like Big W, K-Mart, Target

are rebranding their sectors, changing them.

It's really kind of exciting.

We're in a really good transition period right now which is really positive.

Bigger women haven't had an opportunity to get used to investing in themselves,

in spending money, they've only ever had cheaper choices.

So, it takes a while for everyone to sort of get used to the idea that you're worth it,

you can spend the money on yourself.

I think we're changing the path now with plus size models, labels, media

that it is something to be excited about.

It's not that sort of shadowy word that no one mentions anymore.

It's plus size, be proud of it.

Yeah, um.

I'm excited and nervous.

I'm so-- I'm nervous.

-Good morning. I cannot believe we're finally going to get to meet you.

When you find out a date or even a timeframe let us know,

we will definitely make ourselves available.

I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear you're getting your life back.

Please stay in New York City a little longer.

We need as much time with you as we can possibly get.

So much is happening and it's exciting knowing you will be will be a part of it.-

So that's just like right there it's like, "Uh, yeah!- Yeah.

So, I'm pretty stoked to go and meet them.

So, when I started modeling, I weighed about 187 pounds.

Today I weigh 134.

I started gaining weight in about grade seven, grade eight, about the time when it matters

what you look like and I've always been bigger.

The most I've ever weighed was 197.

I posted a photo last week of-- and I was pretty hesitant on doing the selfies again.

And I see exactly why I was-- I was holding back because the reaction was

a lot of women said to me like, I can no longer follow you.

You're, you're not aware of the curves and all this kind of stuff.

It's hard to be an advocate of something when you're not it,

when you're not representing it, at the time.

So, I think girls don't think I really know what it's like to be bigger, you know.

I don't feel like I can give advice to girls that are bigger as much now,

unless I have my photos with me, or you can say like, you know, no I just lost a lot of weight.

Yeah, it's a weird mix of emotions for me regarding my weight loss.

I still want to be a lingerie model even though I have a ginormous scar on my stomach.

It's part of me

and I'm only gonna work with people that are willing to work with people like me.

People that are embracing exactly who they are.

I want to be a model for positivity and a model that people can look up to

whether you're going through cancer, whether you're going through bulimia.

Whatever you're going through, whatever your trials and tribulations of your life,

you need someone to look up to.

It's weird to be able to see future.

I was like, so focused on this life-threatening disease for this past year,

it's really weird to be out of the storm now.

You know and to have doctors be like, -Well, we took all the cancer out of you.-

So, it goes from thinking you're losing your life into now what are you gonna do?

It'll be fun to go off to New York and make it big, hopefully,

and be on the covers of some major magazines and share my story with women.

Over the past few years,

I have been doing public talks on body positivity and self-empowerment.

I definitely think my public talks are a little bit of an extension

of the work I've done in the past.

Like I've been an advice columnist for magazines.

I've offered a lot of online, kind of mentoring and advice to not just aspiring models

but also anyone in general.

I've always been a very open book with people.

So, for me to be able to go into my community

and have these public talks, it's just a way to connect.

I'm not ashamed of my battle and if you find yourself struggling

remember that the road is hardly ever...

I think we underestimate the value and the importance of sharing our story,

and I'm always happy to share my story with people.

So, here she is, Kerosene Deluxe!

Thanks so much, everyone, for coming.

It's really awesome for everyone to be here.

I've been doing modeling for about 15 years now and

it's progressed a lot from just kind of being like a rebellious act.

Sometimes it just takes that one thing that someone needs to hear that might ignite that spark

or get that ball rolling for them to be like, -Hey, you know what?

I am allowed to love myself and I am worthy of love.-

I'm personally not ashamed at all of my battle and if any of you here

find yourself struggling just remember that your road to recovery is,

it's hardly ever linear, it's very often super bumpy and it's definitely okay to stumble.

And it's, it's okay to not be okay sometimes.

I think by uniting in an event like this and seeing the people around you

and how different they are it, kind of, makes you realize that,

"Hey, I'm not alone with this issue.

The person next to me who I might consider to look perfect because they're,

you know, tall and slender or they have a nice ass

or whatever like they could still have issues as well."

And I think it's important to understand that we all have those little things

about ourselves that we wish were different and that's okay.

People's insecurities create billion-dollar industries

and there's no price on your self-worth and it can't be measured on a scale.

You are then, now, and you're always enough.

So, that is all I really had to share with you guys.

Aww, thanks.

I love being able to talk to people after my talks

and what they-- what they what they got from it.

It's very touching to hear other people's stories as well

because it's not really just about my story,

it's as much as about their story as well.

[Laura] Yeah, so this is my first cover and I'm super excited.

It's a regular fashion magazine.

I think that's even more important in fact that they're putting a plus size girl

on the cover and for the editorial because they are wanting

to celebrate diversity and show that, you know, the plus size models

give it just as good as the regular size models do.

I'm a size 14, so that is classified as plus size,

in the modeling industry anyway, not in reality, yeah?

See you. Thanks, bye.

We're doing an editorial as well as the cover today at this amazing house.

You know, it means a lot and it means that people are actually seeing my photos and who I am

and what plus size modeling means to larger society.

Women and men want to see women of all different-

and men of all different sizes in the media and in magazines.

So, it's-- it's great. It's super positive to be here.

This month is pretty amazing for me because I'm in four magazines in

one news agency all around Australia, which is pretty incredible and

ne of my favorite ones is Slink agazine from the UK that's newly come to Australia

and I'm on the front cover of it and on an editorial in the inside as well.

So, it's pretty cool that you know, I can come into one news agency

and see myself in four magazines.

Women's Weekly did a body issue this month, and myself and four other plus size models

were able to do an editorial piece and talking about our bodies.

And what we love about our bodies.

How we feel confident or what made us feel unconfident especially when we were younger.

I was lucky enough to get a piece in the front of Women's Weekly Health,

an article about myself being a role model for people

with body confidence issues and being a positive body advocator.

And finally, this month, I'm also in Cosmopolitan Australia.

It's an eight-page editorial on denim and they don't tell anyone it's a plus size model.

They don't say, -This is Laura Wells. She's a plus size model.-

They just say -model Laura Wells.-

We shouldn't have to put labels on plus size models.

We should just be able to call them models because that's what we are.

Getting a cover and an editorial for an overseas magazine is really a big thing

in the plus industry because as plus sized women we-

and plus size models, we don't get it that often.

So, it was a huge opportunity and I feel really privileged

to have been chosen to be here today.

I think we're doing-- I think we're doing really wonderful right now.

I think that we're progressing at a really, really rapid pace.

I couldn't have predicted that we'd be here now,

so I couldn't imagine what's gonna be in five years.

I know I'm not a fortune teller.

But I would tell you that I can just picture us in billboards in Times Square

and in every runway show and mixed with, you know, the straight size brands.

I think we have no idea what we're gonna go to, but I think it's gonna be beautiful

no matter where we end up cause we're already so far.

Oh god.

It's gonna be fun.

I can't wait to see it.

Hi.

New York, New York

I'm excited, nervous, pretty tired.

But it should be good. It was a full flight so.

When I was younger, smaller trips and stuff.

I've been down to the States, but uh, nothing like New York.

Been to Las Vegas.

And yeah, just like short little ones, but yeah, this will definitely be the longest time

I've ever spent in the States.

Hopefully, it'll not be the only time.

-Thank you very much. Nice to, nice to meet you. -Have a good one.

Thank you very much.

I'm here, I made it.

Ugh, nice to be finally here.

Well, it'll be interesting to see what tomorrow brings.

Of course, my skin gets really bad the day before I meet an agency.

It's my first night in New York.

I'm ready for bed cause I'm quite tired.

But yeah, get a good sleep in and be fresh-faced for tomorrow.

Ugh, I'm really annoyed that my skin's terrible right now,

but there's nothing I can do about that.

Hopefully, it'll just go away.

The lighting's, like, really terrible, um, maybe I can do it out here.

I think just like meeting them will be good, to start everything out.

I signed a contract with these people for three years, for the next three years.

So, hopefully they like what they picked.

Just gonna be myself

and hopefully that's good enough.

Now, I know they're gonna make me take my wig off, obviously, but

I think they'd like it a lot better short so.

I'm just gonna wear it there.

-Hello! Hi, how are you? -Hi, nice to meet you.

-I'm Gary, so nice to meet you. So welcome, this is JAG. -Nice.

Still in the works, we've been in two weeks and yeah, it's going really well.

-Good. -Really, really well.

What size are you wearing currently?

I think I'm a ten right now.

-Yeah. Ten to twelve. -ln our market you're going to be a little bit bigger.

So, like a 42 to 44 is going to be a 12-14.

-I think that's probably where the hip is. -Yeah.

-So, you're pretty much a perfect 14. -Okay.

-Hah, I see what you did there.

Can't believe you're finally here.

I know, it feels like I just talked about it forever.

I know. I know, right?

So, I'll probably stand out on your board here with all the girls that have such long hair.

-Yes. -Like if I do go short, you know.

Should I get my hair cut before tomorrow or not?

Let me see again?

Like, it's pretty messy.

-I don't think she should cut it. I like it messy. -Like it messy?

Do you think you'll be able to line up jobs at all this next two weeks or not?

It depends on you.

-Yeah. -Depends on how you do in the testing.

It depends on how you do when we send you out on castings.

Um, because you're so new to this market, it could go either way.

-And you had never been here before? -No, no.

-So, what do you want to see while you're here? -Uh, everything.

Everything?

I'm in the fashion capital of the world, so I kind of need to reinvent myself at this point.

I'm excited for what's to come next.

I don't really know, but I guess that's the adventure of life isn't it?

All the paperwork's done by JAG. So, it's great.

I just kind of show up, do the shoot and tra-la-la.

So, it's, that's part of it I guess, it's like an everyday job whereas, I've taken it from

it being just my, my creativity and my fun thing to do on the side,

it's turned into what could potentially be a full-time position as a model.

Just working and just feeling like I'm moving forward in life

is really what I was excited for, so.

I'm happy to be here, finally.

Well, I'm scared of remaining sick and not becoming cancer-free basically.

I don't if that's gonna hold me back, or if my scar's gonna hold me back,

but I'm gonna do it anyways.

Yeah, I guess that's like the scariest thing is people rejecting me because of

the scar I have on my body.

It's still not really, I'm still not really realizing it that I'm a signed model.

It doesn't feel real yet.

Maybe when I start traveling full-time and all that.

This is one of the most important moments in my life,

coming to New York and experiencing the big city.

It's really crazy to be here in New York.

I think life is always teaching us new lessons of appreciation and what we are meant to do

on this planet to appreciate just what you've been through

and to know that you can go anywhere.

Superstar.

This morning women's clothing company, Lane Bryant is chiming in on the conversation

about beauty and body image with a new marketing campaign.

Lane Bryant introducing a new body loving campaign called I'm No Angel.

imnoangel.

-an] I'm No Angel. -I'm No Angel.

I'm No Angel.

It features plus sized models and says the campaign

is designed to teach women to love every part of themselves.

reporter]The models who appear n this new commercial believe it more closely reflects

the average American woman who is a size 14.

It was like I wanted to scream it from a mountaintop,

but I couldn't because I couldn't tell anyone, right?

Like to keep everything under wrap for so long

and to be a part of the -I'm No Angel- campaign was pretty surreal.

It was just like a smile on the inside permanently for a couple of months. [chuckles]

They had a full double-decker bus with our photos on the side.

The video was playing on the other side. It was wrapped in us.

I modeled with Victoria Lee, Marquita Pring, Candice Huffine,

Ashley Graham and Justine Legault.

So, it was cool meeting them because I'd seen them in magazines

and seen them before, so.

I had no idea who I was gonna be modeling with and then all of a sudden after having seen

so many photos of them and just being like I'm sitting next to you in a photo is, it's a trip.

It was crazy to, to be there, to be next to them and actually be considered an equal

because these women are-

Poof, poof!

And here's me, trying to climb the ladder, but I'll get there, it's just, I'm new.

My agents at JAG were, um, I shouldn't say shocked because I think they believe in me,

but they were surprised, delightfully surprised that you know,

I'd get in, I'd get on the roster and only be two months in and then book that like that.

To see how in a year, you know, to think that I'm gonna die and then all of a sudden,

I'm all better and I'm doing something that people would dream of doing

forever, I couldn't even imagine.

You want to meet my girls? One word.

Sexy.

I think it's in my eyes.

It's something that looks like this.

Beautiful.

I'm no angel.

-I'm no angel. -I'm no angel.

Here I am, on a commercial, going across the States on buses,

on trains, on subways, on billboards.

It's nuts, like, I had my fans send in photos from whenever they would see me.

They'd see me on TV, they'd see me on commercials, Hulu, all over the Internet.

It was on TMZ.

It was on Entertainment Tonight.

It was all over.

Yeah, it went-- it went viral.

It was pretty trippy. I'd had people like, -I saw you on this.

I saw you on this.- You know, and it was great having my fans like so excited for me

because they'd seen what I'd went through to get to that point.

Seeing myself in Times Square? It was-- I don't know how to explain it really.

It was unbelievable.

I'm really proud of myself and like that I actually was able to make it through everything and,

and get to that point where I can say like, there I am,

in front of, you know, thousands and thousands of people.

Yeah, it was, pretty shocking.

[man[ There's Elly, there you go.

Go Elly.

There it is! It's my ad! New York City! Times Square.

Pretty awesome.

Recognize me! Recognize me!

I had always thought, you know, that'd be amazing, but I always had doubts.

I mean, how many people can say, like, coming from a town of 50 people

and working my way up to like, actually living in New York and working as a model

it doesn't happen every day and I think this is my opportunity

to make that kind of dream come true.