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00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:09,457
Coming up on this
season of The DieCathlon...
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00:00:09,458 --> 00:00:11,796
Brought to you by Ultramax,
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00:00:11,797 --> 00:00:15,344
the bulk-free blood diaper
you never have to remove.
4
00:00:15,345 --> 00:00:18,175
She's a stone-cold killer
who buries her emotions,
5
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,147
while keeping the body count sky high.
6
00:00:21,148 --> 00:00:23,608
Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer,
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00:00:23,612 --> 00:00:26,370
she survived,
only to have the very nature
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00:00:26,371 --> 00:00:28,247
of her own existence questioned
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00:00:28,248 --> 00:00:31,916
over and over and over again.
10
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,415
But this tiger burns bright
with survival instinct
11
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,069
and a little help from her friends.
12
00:00:37,094 --> 00:00:38,719
Metal spoke sharpener!
13
00:00:38,744 --> 00:00:41,329
He's a demolitions
expert-cum-fashion icon-
14
00:00:41,354 --> 00:00:43,442
cum-celebrity chef-cum-politician,
15
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,195
prince, poet, and thief.
16
00:00:45,196 --> 00:00:47,536
He doesn't just survive, he thrives,
17
00:00:47,537 --> 00:00:49,035
with little time for remorse,
18
00:00:49,038 --> 00:00:50,628
and even less time for the losers
19
00:00:50,629 --> 00:00:52,245
who simply don't get it,
20
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:54,882
which is everyone not named him.
21
00:00:54,883 --> 00:00:58,642
This wolf is at your door blowing
your mind and your house down,
22
00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:00,938
and you're somehow thanking him for it.
23
00:01:00,939 --> 00:01:03,526
He was masturbating one night
and was mistaken
24
00:01:03,527 --> 00:01:06,065
for someone he wasn't: a hero.
25
00:01:06,072 --> 00:01:08,492
But that didn't stop him
from becoming one...
26
00:01:08,493 --> 00:01:10,204
or so he thought!
27
00:01:10,205 --> 00:01:12,745
Visited by two super soldiers
from the future
28
00:01:12,752 --> 00:01:16,132
and dragged along for the
time-traveling joyride of a lifetime,
29
00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:19,598
he should be dead,
a footnote in a mistake file
30
00:01:19,599 --> 00:01:22,688
labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me?
This asshole?"
31
00:01:22,689 --> 00:01:25,649
Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.
32
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,446
Yeah, you heard right.
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00:01:27,447 --> 00:01:30,285
Where he comes from,
Josh is a man's name.
34
00:01:30,286 --> 00:01:32,868
Now, these three renegades have
been appropriated by the network,
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00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:34,419
convicted of time crimes,
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00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:37,009
and sentenced to death by entertainment.
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00:01:37,010 --> 00:01:38,847
They're gonna be running
for their lives,
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00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:41,686
hunted by creatures
both real and mythological,
39
00:01:41,687 --> 00:01:43,982
tested in ways the human body and mind
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00:01:44,007 --> 00:01:46,310
simply wasn't designed to endure,
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00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,659
but this trio's got something special,
42
00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:51,077
and with a little luck,
you're gonna see it splattered
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00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,079
all over your Opti-Scope.
44
00:01:53,104 --> 00:01:55,091
I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
45
00:01:55,092 --> 00:01:58,086
and this is the centennial season of...
46
00:01:59,470 --> 00:02:01,557
The DieCathlon!
47
00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:06,689
I've gotta say,
I've got a really good feeling
48
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,988
about this upcoming season.
49
00:02:08,989 --> 00:02:11,239
Really, I think there's something
special about these three.
50
00:02:11,243 --> 00:02:14,958
Well, hon, you've been
unlucky the last few cycles.
51
00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:16,869
You were due some quality contestants.
52
00:02:16,894 --> 00:02:18,260
I know, and the network,
53
00:02:18,261 --> 00:02:20,427
as soon as they feel like
maybe things aren't working
54
00:02:20,428 --> 00:02:21,847
as well as they used to,
55
00:02:21,848 --> 00:02:23,423
they get panicked and they get ruthless.
56
00:02:23,448 --> 00:02:25,126
Think of everything
that you've been through.
57
00:02:25,151 --> 00:02:27,936
The ratings slide, the coup d'état,
58
00:02:27,944 --> 00:02:29,701
the mass prisoner suicides.
59
00:02:29,702 --> 00:02:32,237
Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,
60
00:02:32,244 --> 00:02:36,459
and somehow, somehow,
you're still standing.
61
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:37,800
It's because you're strong.
62
00:02:39,216 --> 00:02:40,386
I don't deserve you.
63
00:02:40,387 --> 00:02:43,055
Oh, of course you do.
64
00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:01,300
All you have to do is turn me on.
65
00:03:04,474 --> 00:03:07,522
Ooh, 97% charged, I see.
66
00:03:15,038 --> 00:03:16,497
Yeah.
67
00:03:16,498 --> 00:03:17,834
Oh, saucy.
68
00:03:17,835 --> 00:03:19,295
- Get ready.
- Okay.
69
00:03:19,296 --> 00:03:21,006
I'm ready.
70
00:03:25,851 --> 00:03:28,939
You know, if they cancel the show,
71
00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:30,526
things will change around here.
72
00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:31,870
We don't have to talk
about that right now.
73
00:03:31,895 --> 00:03:33,869
The network will take me
and Stanley away.
74
00:03:33,870 --> 00:03:35,747
Our hard drives will be wiped.
75
00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:37,496
We'll be allocated to a new executive,
76
00:03:37,499 --> 00:03:40,134
one more worthy of the G7300 class.
77
00:03:40,159 --> 00:03:41,336
That's not gonna happen.
78
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,388
Well, how do you know,
you stupid piece of shit?
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00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:45,466
You took the planet's most popular show
80
00:03:45,473 --> 00:03:48,311
and you made it boring and predictable,
81
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:51,823
just like the sex we're about to have.
82
00:03:51,848 --> 00:03:53,019
What are you doing right now?
83
00:03:53,044 --> 00:03:54,909
Now, bend over, so I can do to you
84
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:56,761
what you've been doing to your sponsors.
85
00:03:56,786 --> 00:03:59,753
I am gonna get something
big and hard and cold.
86
00:03:59,754 --> 00:04:03,778
I am gonna hit you
until your ass is so red that...
87
00:04:03,803 --> 00:04:06,770
Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.
88
00:04:06,795 --> 00:04:10,897
- Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.
- Oh, God.
89
00:04:16,368 --> 00:04:17,748
Oh, no.
90
00:04:17,749 --> 00:04:19,577
I forgot to put her into sleep mode.
91
00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:21,419
Hi, honey.
92
00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,678
That's how babies used to be made.
93
00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:26,005
Time to dream
of electric sleep, Stanley.
94
00:04:36,325 --> 00:04:37,994
Sweet dreams, Stanley.
95
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:42,127
All right.
96
00:04:44,424 --> 00:04:46,184
- Where were we?
- ♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪
97
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:56,779
Sweet tune.
98
00:04:56,783 --> 00:04:58,702
I knew this would stand
the test of time.
99
00:04:58,703 --> 00:05:01,752
- You thinking Pelican's Folly?
- No, it's too risky.
100
00:05:01,753 --> 00:05:03,618
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
101
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,704
before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.
102
00:05:05,762 --> 00:05:07,595
- Hyena's Whisper.
- Yes.
103
00:05:07,596 --> 00:05:09,772
Especially in an arena this size.
104
00:05:09,797 --> 00:05:11,164
They'll never see it coming,
105
00:05:11,189 --> 00:05:13,981
and it might buy us just enough
time to pull a classic.
106
00:05:13,984 --> 00:05:15,653
Lobster's Bluff.
107
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,404
What the fuck
are you guys talking about?
108
00:05:19,429 --> 00:05:20,905
We are about to die out there!
109
00:05:20,914 --> 00:05:23,094
Do you know how many times
we've turned a death sentence
110
00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:24,632
into a life paragraph?
111
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,180
This isn't anything
we haven't seen before.
112
00:05:26,183 --> 00:05:28,061
You know what?
113
00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:30,650
Maybe we deserve this.
114
00:05:30,651 --> 00:05:33,734
Maybe this is justice. I mean,
we fucked up the universe.
115
00:05:33,759 --> 00:05:36,537
I mean, the whole universe.
116
00:05:36,538 --> 00:05:39,255
That's what you get
when you think you're a savior.
117
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,381
I thought I was special,
and because of that,
118
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,509
we cause the death
of millions of people.
119
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,590
Mm, wasn't it billions?
120
00:05:45,597 --> 00:05:47,349
Right, billions.
121
00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:49,180
Thank you, Tiger.
122
00:05:49,187 --> 00:05:51,483
And this is payback.
123
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,114
I don't know why you guys
are fighting it.
124
00:05:53,115 --> 00:05:54,652
Because we fight.
125
00:05:54,657 --> 00:05:56,617
And, yes, we probably
are gonna die out there,
126
00:05:56,619 --> 00:05:58,209
but what do you want us to do, give up?
127
00:05:58,210 --> 00:06:00,625
That'd be the worst episode ever.
128
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,501
Yeah, Wolf's right, if we die, we die.
129
00:06:02,526 --> 00:06:03,985
I mean, this isn't about
saving the world anymore.
130
00:06:04,009 --> 00:06:05,212
There's no mission.
131
00:06:05,237 --> 00:06:06,822
This is about survival,
132
00:06:06,847 --> 00:06:08,977
something we are pretty damn good at.
133
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:13,026
Yeah, and we've already passed
the ultimate test as a team.
134
00:06:13,027 --> 00:06:14,784
We could have offed each other
back there.
135
00:06:14,785 --> 00:06:17,320
But as tempting as that was, we didn't,
136
00:06:17,327 --> 00:06:19,794
and now those pencil-neck future fucks
137
00:06:19,795 --> 00:06:21,580
are never gonna know what hit them.
138
00:06:21,586 --> 00:06:23,964
Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,
139
00:06:23,965 --> 00:06:26,635
we just might have a pincher's chance.
140
00:06:26,638 --> 00:06:28,308
- That was clever.
- Thank you.
141
00:06:31,313 --> 00:06:33,563
All right.
142
00:06:33,568 --> 00:06:36,745
If our last stand's
gonna be in the Death Arena,
143
00:06:36,746 --> 00:06:38,393
let's give them a hell of a show.
144
00:06:38,418 --> 00:06:40,846
- Who's ready for...
- First blood!
145
00:06:40,874 --> 00:06:42,794
First blood! First blood!
146
00:06:42,795 --> 00:06:46,300
Here they are, ready to die!
147
00:06:46,301 --> 00:06:48,591
We got this.
148
00:06:56,485 --> 00:06:59,923
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
149
00:07:06,738 --> 00:07:08,156
The true measure of bravery
150
00:07:08,181 --> 00:07:10,265
isn't the absence of fear.
151
00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:12,854
It is the overcoming of it.
152
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:22,450
Oh, no, not goo again!
153
00:07:22,458 --> 00:07:24,140
No! That's sour!
154
00:07:24,165 --> 00:07:25,250
It's sour!
155
00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:26,671
Do not despair,
156
00:07:26,674 --> 00:07:28,534
for you are not alone, my friend.
157
00:07:28,559 --> 00:07:29,909
- Who's that?
- You will triumph...
158
00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:32,057
...because you are truly special.
159
00:07:32,082 --> 00:07:33,811
No, no, no, no, no! Get out of my head.
160
00:07:33,813 --> 00:07:36,489
Get out of my head!
Go away! I'm not special.
161
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:40,366
I'm a no one.
I'm just a guy gagging on goo!
162
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:43,047
No, no, you are so much more than that.
163
00:07:43,048 --> 00:07:45,669
You are a savior.
164
00:07:45,670 --> 00:07:46,766
- No!
- Yes.
165
00:07:46,791 --> 00:07:48,341
Yes, you are,
166
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:50,011
and because of that,
167
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:52,992
- I will help you escape.
- Boom shaka-laka!
168
00:07:53,017 --> 00:07:55,560
And that is how you kill a unicorn.
169
00:07:55,565 --> 00:07:57,258
You just rip its magic little horn
170
00:07:57,283 --> 00:07:59,572
off its stupid little horse head
171
00:07:59,573 --> 00:08:02,743
and then you just watch it...
it bleed rainbows,
172
00:08:02,746 --> 00:08:04,921
and you just laugh. Look.
173
00:08:04,946 --> 00:08:07,256
Hey, you know what that is?
174
00:08:07,257 --> 00:08:08,965
It's a kraken ball!
175
00:08:08,967 --> 00:08:10,761
Yeah, they only have one, singular.
176
00:08:10,786 --> 00:08:12,726
When I took that from him, he, uh...
177
00:08:12,727 --> 00:08:14,393
he basically lost the will to live.
178
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,577
Every creature has a weakness, Josh.
179
00:08:16,602 --> 00:08:17,858
It's usually the dick zone.
180
00:08:17,883 --> 00:08:19,391
Oh, so that's it.
You guys won. It's over.
181
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,498
I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
182
00:08:21,523 --> 00:08:23,996
but, uh, looking at
the score keeper's poor face,
183
00:08:23,997 --> 00:08:26,086
I'd say we pretty much shattered it.
184
00:08:26,087 --> 00:08:28,714
Yeah, and his face, which,
that was unnecessary,
185
00:08:28,715 --> 00:08:30,509
but once the adrenaline starts pumping,
186
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,118
I am not distinguishing between
participant and official.
187
00:08:33,143 --> 00:08:34,242
It's all just, ah!
188
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:37,189
Oh, you displayed
a shocking brutality in there.
189
00:08:37,190 --> 00:08:39,162
Stop it, I was... I was locked in.
190
00:08:39,187 --> 00:08:40,708
- I don't know what you want me to say.
- I saw that.
191
00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:42,263
Yeah, I'm really sad that I missed it.
192
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:43,474
I wish I would have seen it.
193
00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:45,326
I'm fine, by the way, so thank you,
194
00:08:45,351 --> 00:08:46,229
you know, for asking.
195
00:08:46,254 --> 00:08:47,541
Um, question, though.
196
00:08:47,544 --> 00:08:50,254
Did they put, like, a... a little, like,
197
00:08:50,257 --> 00:08:53,475
voice in your head that just zeroes
in on all your weaknesses, or...
198
00:08:53,476 --> 00:08:55,933
How much of that, uh,
that goo have you swallowed?
199
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,775
Never mind. Uh, never mind. I'm fine.
200
00:08:57,776 --> 00:08:59,733
I was just making sure
that all three of us
201
00:08:59,758 --> 00:09:01,022
didn't have a voice in our heads.
202
00:09:01,047 --> 00:09:02,515
I got a voice in my head,
203
00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:03,994
and that voice is screaming,
204
00:09:03,995 --> 00:09:05,554
"Choo-choo-choo ching-ching,"
205
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,702
which is how cash registers sound now.
206
00:09:07,709 --> 00:09:11,675
You guys were spectacular. Phenomenal.
207
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:15,306
What a show. Not you.
You did jack shit, sir.
208
00:09:15,307 --> 00:09:17,014
So what do we get for winning?
209
00:09:17,039 --> 00:09:23,446
You guys get
an all-expense-paid luxury trip
210
00:09:23,449 --> 00:09:26,113
back to The DieCathlon!
211
00:09:26,138 --> 00:09:27,746
You go back in. You're going back.
212
00:09:27,771 --> 00:09:29,167
That was level one of many.
213
00:09:29,192 --> 00:09:30,713
That's great news.
214
00:09:30,714 --> 00:09:32,134
We were hoping you'd have more
to throw at us
215
00:09:32,135 --> 00:09:33,643
than some rinky-dink show pony
216
00:09:33,668 --> 00:09:35,675
and a fat goldfish with one ball.
217
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,034
Yeah, getting out
of a long-promised threesome
218
00:09:38,059 --> 00:09:39,675
with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen
219
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:41,653
was much harder
than this bullshit excuse
220
00:09:41,654 --> 00:09:43,462
for The Running Man, which, by the way,
221
00:09:43,487 --> 00:09:45,259
I did an uncredited rewrite on.
222
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:47,457
The first draft was a disaster
with a capital D.
223
00:09:47,458 --> 00:09:50,368
It made no sense.
Really, this whole thing was...
224
00:09:50,393 --> 00:09:52,947
- You're healing nicely.
- My whole body is numb!
225
00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:55,388
That means the goo is doing
what the goo is supposed to do.
226
00:09:55,389 --> 00:09:57,057
This goo is incredible goo.
227
00:09:57,058 --> 00:09:58,899
- It's our best goo yet.
- Oh.
228
00:09:58,924 --> 00:10:01,110
Too much of the goo, you get cancer.
229
00:10:01,135 --> 00:10:03,601
Too little of the goo, you get cancer.
230
00:10:03,626 --> 00:10:07,929
The exact right amount of goo
will heal almost anything
231
00:10:07,954 --> 00:10:10,459
except goo-related cancers.
232
00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:12,080
Medicine.
233
00:10:12,088 --> 00:10:14,008
- Come on.
- Anyway, you guys rest up.
234
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:17,266
You've got a big day tomorrow.
You're fighting dinosaurs.
235
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:18,764
Roar.
236
00:10:18,768 --> 00:10:21,260
Wait.
237
00:10:21,314 --> 00:10:24,654
- What if I swallow too much?
- Ah, you'll be fine.
238
00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:33,085
Gah.
239
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:39,559
- Hey!
- Oh! God.
240
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:40,929
How's the shoulder, kid?
241
00:10:40,954 --> 00:10:42,062
It feels like being stabbed
242
00:10:42,064 --> 00:10:44,444
by a million tiny little knives.
243
00:10:44,445 --> 00:10:47,450
It's actually being stabbed
by 2.5 billion little knives.
244
00:10:47,451 --> 00:10:48,519
Those are nanobots,
245
00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:50,331
and they are repairing
the tear in your soft tissue.
246
00:10:50,332 --> 00:10:51,950
Where do they go when they're done?
247
00:10:53,629 --> 00:10:54,922
Whatever.
248
00:10:54,923 --> 00:10:56,112
Look, what am I gonna do tomorrow
249
00:10:56,137 --> 00:10:57,807
when Tiger and Wolf
go back into the game?
250
00:10:57,832 --> 00:10:59,979
- You're gonna go back too.
- What? Hell, no, I'm not!
251
00:11:00,004 --> 00:11:01,476
I-I-I can barely move my shoulder!
252
00:11:01,501 --> 00:11:03,359
I got shot with a giant "Avatar" arrow!
253
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,721
You'll be fine by tomorrow.
254
00:11:04,746 --> 00:11:06,991
The network does not skimp
when it comes to keeping alive
255
00:11:07,016 --> 00:11:08,658
the people that they plan
on eventually killing.
256
00:11:08,659 --> 00:11:10,350
Look at you.
257
00:11:10,375 --> 00:11:12,541
You already have the strength
of a nine-year-old.
258
00:11:12,542 --> 00:11:13,554
Before you know it,
259
00:11:13,579 --> 00:11:15,202
you'll have the strength of a preteen.
260
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,518
Then a tween. Then a teenager.
261
00:11:17,519 --> 00:11:18,720
Then a little man.
262
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:20,471
Thanks, Susan.
263
00:11:31,412 --> 00:11:34,122
Okay, this might get a little old.
264
00:11:38,594 --> 00:11:40,134
Sweet tune.
265
00:11:40,138 --> 00:11:41,766
Knew this would stand the test of time.
266
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,356
- What do you think of Pelican's Folly?
- No, it's too risky.
267
00:11:44,357 --> 00:11:45,822
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
268
00:11:45,884 --> 00:11:47,695
before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.
269
00:11:47,696 --> 00:11:49,490
- Hyena's Whisper?
- Yes.
270
00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:51,184
Especially in an arena this size.
271
00:11:51,209 --> 00:11:52,242
They'll never see it coming,
272
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:55,501
and it might buy us just enough time
to pull a classic.
273
00:11:55,503 --> 00:11:57,333
Lobster's Bluff.
274
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:01,639
What are you guys doing?
275
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,470
What?
276
00:12:03,477 --> 00:12:05,775
Why are you saying the same
things you said yesterday?
277
00:12:05,776 --> 00:12:07,402
Is it like a... like a warrior thing?
278
00:12:07,403 --> 00:12:09,691
Like, you have to repeat
what worked or what?
279
00:12:09,698 --> 00:12:11,576
- What are you talking about?
- Stop fucking with me!
280
00:12:11,577 --> 00:12:13,496
We need to come up with a plan
to protect me out there.
281
00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:15,407
You understand?
You guys are far better equipped
282
00:12:15,432 --> 00:12:16,425
to handle this than I am.
283
00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:18,528
- What can I expect?
- How the hell should we know?
284
00:12:18,553 --> 00:12:19,846
It's the first time for us too.
285
00:12:19,847 --> 00:12:21,219
This guy.
286
00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:23,050
No, it isn't!
287
00:12:23,058 --> 00:12:25,245
Who's ready for some...
288
00:12:25,270 --> 00:12:27,691
First blood! First blood!
289
00:12:27,716 --> 00:12:29,274
You guys, this is really mean! Please!
290
00:12:29,278 --> 00:12:31,824
Here they are, ready to die!
291
00:12:42,698 --> 00:12:44,083
Oh, come on!
292
00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:52,908
Survival is equal
parts endurance and adaptation.
293
00:12:52,909 --> 00:12:55,793
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- You will not survive this game.
294
00:12:55,794 --> 00:12:57,564
No one does.
295
00:12:57,589 --> 00:13:00,008
Eventually, something sharp
will pierce something
296
00:13:00,009 --> 00:13:02,107
that cannot be healed by tiny robots.
297
00:13:02,132 --> 00:13:03,226
How... how do you know?
298
00:13:03,251 --> 00:13:06,062
I know a great many things, Josh.
299
00:13:06,063 --> 00:13:08,230
How do you... how do you know who I am?
300
00:13:08,231 --> 00:13:11,111
Do you... do you know everyone?
301
00:13:11,112 --> 00:13:12,740
Are you Go...
302
00:13:12,741 --> 00:13:14,821
Oh, no, no, no.
303
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,622
Maybe... maybe you're not.
304
00:13:16,623 --> 00:13:19,043
Maybe... maybe I'm just
finally losing my mind
305
00:13:19,045 --> 00:13:20,977
and I'm having this
conversation with myself
306
00:13:21,002 --> 00:13:22,047
like in "Fight Club."
307
00:13:22,072 --> 00:13:23,425
I don't get that reference.
308
00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:24,935
Okay, you know what? That's it.
309
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:26,721
I'm ignoring you. You're not real.
310
00:13:26,727 --> 00:13:28,317
Really?
311
00:13:28,318 --> 00:13:30,232
Humming, Josh?
312
00:13:30,233 --> 00:13:32,780
Don't be that way. Listen.
313
00:13:32,781 --> 00:13:35,491
I am here to help you escape
through the elevator,
314
00:13:35,495 --> 00:13:37,915
where there are no cameras.
315
00:13:37,916 --> 00:13:39,716
What, escape? Really, to where?
316
00:13:39,717 --> 00:13:41,542
3491? Some other time?
317
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:43,843
Anywhere that I can go
I've either already ruined
318
00:13:43,844 --> 00:13:45,728
or I'm gonna be killed
instantly by people
319
00:13:45,753 --> 00:13:47,222
who are better equipped to live than me.
320
00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:49,609
I know a place where you will be safe.
321
00:13:49,610 --> 00:13:52,945
It's a place you once called home.
322
00:13:55,158 --> 00:13:58,581
I trust from your silence
you are intrigued.
323
00:13:58,582 --> 00:14:00,162
Yeah, of course I'm intrigued.
324
00:14:00,168 --> 00:14:01,966
I'm talking to myself
so I'm gonna tell myself
325
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:03,924
- whatever I want to hear.
- You are a skeptic.
326
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,936
To prove to you that I can help,
327
00:14:05,937 --> 00:14:09,520
I will now perform a small miracle.
Is that okay?
328
00:14:09,521 --> 00:14:11,691
Can I perform a small miracle for you?
329
00:14:11,716 --> 00:14:13,467
Sure, man. I'm not going anywhere.
330
00:14:13,492 --> 00:14:14,738
You are in the goo, no?
331
00:14:14,739 --> 00:14:16,324
Yeah, you know I'm in the goo.
332
00:14:16,325 --> 00:14:18,381
I'm wearing a metal diaper
in a thing of goo.
333
00:14:18,406 --> 00:14:19,758
Okay, listen to me, Josh.
334
00:14:19,783 --> 00:14:22,131
You don't want to be swallowing
any more of this goo.
335
00:14:22,156 --> 00:14:24,583
The nanobots, they react
poorly with your gut flora.
336
00:14:24,608 --> 00:14:25,655
They go to war.
337
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,722
The next thing you know,
you are allergic to chickpeas.
338
00:14:27,724 --> 00:14:29,217
Oh, man. I love chickpeas.
339
00:14:29,242 --> 00:14:31,443
I know, me too. Reach down.
340
00:14:31,444 --> 00:14:33,310
You will find a small rubberized knob
341
00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:34,828
behind your hip just to the left.
342
00:14:34,829 --> 00:14:36,611
- Feel it?
- Yeah.
343
00:14:36,617 --> 00:14:38,327
Press the center of it, hard.
344
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,081
Oh, God!
345
00:14:44,089 --> 00:14:45,596
Oh, that's so much better.
346
00:14:45,597 --> 00:14:47,433
That is my small miracle,
347
00:14:47,434 --> 00:14:49,140
just for you, my friend.
348
00:14:49,141 --> 00:14:52,439
Uh, yeah, if I meet
a rhyming riddle worm,
349
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,060
I'm gonna decapitate it.
350
00:14:54,068 --> 00:14:55,698
But I think that animatronic Clue Worm
351
00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:58,865
- was trying to help us.
- Well, speak in prose, then, buddy.
352
00:14:58,869 --> 00:15:00,926
Let me guess. You guys won.
353
00:15:00,998 --> 00:15:02,801
I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
354
00:15:02,826 --> 00:15:05,520
but from the look on that poor
scorekeeper's face,
355
00:15:05,545 --> 00:15:07,552
I'd say we shattered it.
356
00:15:07,553 --> 00:15:09,343
And his face, right?
357
00:15:09,348 --> 00:15:11,267
- How'd you know that?
- Just a guess.
358
00:15:11,268 --> 00:15:12,858
What, do you got a live feed in here?
359
00:15:12,859 --> 00:15:14,514
Are they using any close-ups?
360
00:15:14,584 --> 00:15:16,485
'Cause I feel like they're
shooting everything in a wide,
361
00:15:16,488 --> 00:15:20,327
and, well, the drama's right here.
362
00:15:20,328 --> 00:15:23,668
Guys, this is gonna be
hard to comprehend,
363
00:15:23,669 --> 00:15:27,592
but all of this
already happened yesterday.
364
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,722
All right, th-they must've
wiped your memories
365
00:15:29,723 --> 00:15:31,393
or something so you have no recollection
366
00:15:31,394 --> 00:15:33,311
- of playing the game.
- Bullshit.
367
00:15:33,312 --> 00:15:35,812
I would remember
if they wiped my memory.
368
00:15:35,818 --> 00:15:37,784
- Yeah, me too.
- No, you wouldn't.
369
00:15:37,785 --> 00:15:39,650
That's not how memory wiping works.
370
00:15:39,659 --> 00:15:42,389
You come from a time
where memory wiping's a thing?
371
00:15:42,414 --> 00:15:43,539
'Cause we do.
372
00:15:43,584 --> 00:15:45,754
I'm telling you we are gonna
keep playing this game
373
00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:48,389
again and again with slight
variations until we're dead.
374
00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:50,073
Okay, even if that were true,
which it isn't,
375
00:15:50,098 --> 00:15:51,601
I can think of worse ways to go.
376
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,519
- Y-you have to believe me!
- No, sorry.
377
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,520
My radar is finely tuned to repetition.
378
00:15:55,524 --> 00:15:58,194
Even back at the restaurant
when everyone was clamoring
379
00:15:58,196 --> 00:15:59,615
for Wolfheart staples,
380
00:15:59,616 --> 00:16:02,411
I changed the menu every goddamn day.
381
00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:04,202
Now, that's a terrible business model,
382
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:07,171
but, well, a true artist
never repeats himself.
383
00:16:07,172 --> 00:16:09,525
What you're describing,
well, that sounds like hell.
384
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,189
Josh, these people are awful.
385
00:16:11,190 --> 00:16:12,680
You don't need them.
386
00:16:12,683 --> 00:16:14,933
I can lead you home. Follow me.
387
00:16:14,938 --> 00:16:16,774
I can't... I can't just
abandon them, okay?
388
00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:18,315
We're gonna go back
to the Victor's Lounge.
389
00:16:18,319 --> 00:16:21,074
Yeah, sorry. Victors only.
390
00:16:21,075 --> 00:16:23,454
Good-bye, Josh.
391
00:16:23,455 --> 00:16:25,915
Guys, come on! Don't just...
392
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,338
See how quickly they leave you behind?
393
00:16:28,339 --> 00:16:30,092
You must do the same.
394
00:16:30,093 --> 00:16:32,343
That... that's just like our...
our dynamic, okay?
395
00:16:32,347 --> 00:16:33,807
It's... it's fun.
396
00:16:33,809 --> 00:16:35,310
If we're gonna do this,
397
00:16:35,311 --> 00:16:36,730
we're gonna do things my way, all right?
398
00:16:36,731 --> 00:16:39,441
Just tell me what I need to know.
399
00:16:44,246 --> 00:16:46,040
Guys, listen.
We have to get out of here,
400
00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:47,578
and the only way is through
this elevator.
401
00:16:47,603 --> 00:16:49,375
Otherwise, we're dead, eventually.
402
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,180
What are you talking about?
What is he talking about?
403
00:16:51,205 --> 00:16:53,053
No idea. Sounds boring.
404
00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:00,777
♪ Y'all ready for this ♪
405
00:17:00,779 --> 00:17:02,577
And this is the only safe place
that we can talk.
406
00:17:02,578 --> 00:17:04,325
Okay, this is, like,
a really old elevator,
407
00:17:04,328 --> 00:17:06,452
and it passes through, like,
a magnetic rock section,
408
00:17:06,477 --> 00:17:08,210
and then the cameras get jammed.
409
00:17:08,211 --> 00:17:10,171
Guys, wait for me!
410
00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:13,740
Baseball?
411
00:17:20,193 --> 00:17:21,443
I just want to sleep!
412
00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:26,329
I am telling you,
you memories have been wiped.
413
00:17:26,330 --> 00:17:27,540
You have to believe me, please!
414
00:17:29,086 --> 00:17:31,465
Please turn it down! No!
415
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:33,926
♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪
416
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:44,864
Don't you guys think it's
a little weird that I know
417
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:46,417
everything you're about to say?
418
00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:48,832
No? No reaction? Okay.
419
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,300
I'm telling you guys,
420
00:17:55,305 --> 00:17:56,645
this is the only way
we're going to escape.
421
00:17:56,646 --> 00:17:58,261
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
422
00:17:58,269 --> 00:18:00,149
You're pitching an escape
and you don't mention
423
00:18:00,150 --> 00:18:02,237
the word "escape" until 30 seconds in?
424
00:18:02,238 --> 00:18:04,365
You gotta work on your elevator pitch.
425
00:18:25,323 --> 00:18:28,161
There you are, my hapless wonder.
426
00:18:28,162 --> 00:18:30,952
Look at them. They love-slash-pity you.
427
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:33,061
Erase my memory. I'm begging you.
428
00:18:33,086 --> 00:18:34,502
No way! You kidding?
429
00:18:34,509 --> 00:18:36,729
People wait their whole
careers for a run like this.
430
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:39,681
You remembering
while Tiger and Wolf don't?
431
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,856
That's the special sauce,
432
00:18:40,857 --> 00:18:42,394
and you don't want me
433
00:18:42,399 --> 00:18:44,028
to serve my signature meal
434
00:18:44,029 --> 00:18:45,866
without my special sauce, do you?
435
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:48,534
I don't care about your special sauce.
436
00:18:48,537 --> 00:18:50,482
Well, it's more delicious
with the special sauce.
437
00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:51,667
I just want to die!
438
00:18:51,668 --> 00:18:53,378
This is, like, the fifth time
439
00:18:53,379 --> 00:18:55,913
I've had to train myself to walk again!
440
00:18:55,938 --> 00:18:57,889
47 times you failed
to get off that elevator.
441
00:18:57,890 --> 00:18:59,558
Do you know how hard that is?
442
00:18:59,559 --> 00:19:01,937
- I am trying.
- I know!
443
00:19:01,938 --> 00:19:03,486
That's what makes it so funny.
444
00:19:03,487 --> 00:19:05,693
It's crazy. You're really trying.
445
00:19:05,696 --> 00:19:07,991
And Tiger and Wolf, the savagery.
446
00:19:07,992 --> 00:19:09,756
They really are from the worst timeline.
447
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:11,172
If they keep this up,
448
00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:12,601
we're gonna have to release
the killing machine,
449
00:19:12,626 --> 00:19:13,930
and we've never had to do that.
450
00:19:13,955 --> 00:19:15,597
Tiger and Wolf are my heroes.
451
00:19:15,598 --> 00:19:18,341
You, my bumbling comic relief.
452
00:19:18,345 --> 00:19:19,805
I'm back on top.
453
00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:21,341
If I keep this up,
454
00:19:21,366 --> 00:19:23,396
the network is gonna let me own my wife
455
00:19:23,421 --> 00:19:25,400
and daughter outright, free and clear.
456
00:19:25,401 --> 00:19:27,417
- Maintenance included, Josh.
- Congratulations.
457
00:19:27,442 --> 00:19:29,534
Yeah. I'd say.
458
00:19:30,818 --> 00:19:33,001
Are you ready to do this another way?
459
00:19:33,002 --> 00:19:34,290
My way?
460
00:19:34,294 --> 00:19:36,172
No. No, no, no.
461
00:19:36,173 --> 00:19:38,397
Didn't you hear him?
I'm not an action hero.
462
00:19:38,422 --> 00:19:39,484
I'm the comic relief.
463
00:19:39,509 --> 00:19:41,647
I can't do any of this
without Tiger and without Wolf.
464
00:19:41,672 --> 00:19:43,779
You've allowed yourself to believe
465
00:19:43,804 --> 00:19:45,486
you're a worthless piece of shit.
466
00:19:45,487 --> 00:19:48,404
The world thinks you're
a worthless piece of shit.
467
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:50,381
That is your greatest advantage.
468
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:52,358
That's my advantage?
Well, you know what?
469
00:19:52,383 --> 00:19:53,826
It really doesn't feel like one.
470
00:19:53,851 --> 00:19:55,328
- Can I please have another?
- No!
471
00:19:55,353 --> 00:19:58,924
Let them dismiss you,
mock you, upstage you,
472
00:19:58,927 --> 00:20:00,887
and underneath their very noses,
473
00:20:00,889 --> 00:20:03,351
we will accomplish the impossible
474
00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:05,439
and get you home.
475
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:22,092
- You thinking Pelican's Folly?
- Nah, too risky.
476
00:20:22,098 --> 00:20:23,783
Those bionic pumas would sniff it out
477
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,422
before we could get
enough rocks in our mouth.
478
00:20:25,447 --> 00:20:26,666
Hyena's Whisper?
479
00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:28,613
Appreciate the pitch. Terrible idea.
480
00:20:28,638 --> 00:20:30,105
Hmm, yeah. I don't know
what I was thinking.
481
00:20:30,130 --> 00:20:31,822
I'll just leave
the strategizing to you two.
482
00:20:31,826 --> 00:20:34,539
It's cool. Stay in your lane.
483
00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:36,815
Hey, you know, uh, I was
reading in the green room.
484
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,173
Apparently, there's all sorts
of mythological,
485
00:20:39,174 --> 00:20:41,304
genetically-modified creatures
inside the Death Arena.
486
00:20:41,305 --> 00:20:44,183
I bet you could not get
a mermaid's gallbladder.
487
00:20:44,184 --> 00:20:45,509
Mermaid's gallbladder?
488
00:20:45,534 --> 00:20:47,985
A stupid trophy
only an idiot would want.
489
00:20:47,986 --> 00:20:50,693
All right, I just know they're
a really prized possession
490
00:20:50,697 --> 00:20:52,398
and extremely difficult to cut out.
491
00:20:52,423 --> 00:20:53,435
It's fine, it's fine.
492
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,376
I mean, I'm sure,
you know, you probably...
493
00:20:55,377 --> 00:20:56,792
probably couldn't do it anyways.
494
00:20:58,379 --> 00:21:01,969
Turns out mermaid bile's acidic.
That and their tears.
495
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,840
You know they weep when you kill 'em?
496
00:21:03,848 --> 00:21:06,645
Oh, pathetic creatures, really.
497
00:21:06,646 --> 00:21:09,460
Yes, Josh.
Now they're playing your game.
498
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:12,445
Yep, I said it. Arachno-bot web spindle.
499
00:21:12,449 --> 00:21:14,625
See how they do your bidding?
500
00:21:14,626 --> 00:21:16,790
No way you get a stegosaurus femur.
501
00:21:16,791 --> 00:21:18,961
Guess who just went extinct again?
502
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,962
You have the tools.
503
00:21:20,966 --> 00:21:24,263
Now I will teach you how to wield them.
504
00:21:29,734 --> 00:21:31,064
As you were, everyone.
505
00:21:31,069 --> 00:21:32,869
You all know Stanley and Randall.
506
00:21:32,870 --> 00:21:35,619
I actually recently leveled up Stanley
507
00:21:35,620 --> 00:21:38,249
with the musical prodigy expansion pack.
508
00:21:38,250 --> 00:21:40,540
Give them a taste, Stan.
509
00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:04,091
Magnifico, amore.
510
00:22:04,094 --> 00:22:05,804
All right, big show tonight, everyone.
511
00:22:05,806 --> 00:22:07,895
They're even beaming us
to the off-world colonies,
512
00:22:07,896 --> 00:22:10,643
and those pasty crater monkeys
never watch this show.
513
00:22:12,653 --> 00:22:15,950
You are the most successful human man
514
00:22:15,951 --> 00:22:18,489
my programming can process.
515
00:22:20,167 --> 00:22:22,630
- You're damn right I am.
- Yes.
516
00:22:27,056 --> 00:22:28,646
Okay, this might get a little old.
517
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,190
It's now or never, Josh.
518
00:22:40,374 --> 00:22:42,670
What the fuck are you doing?
519
00:22:42,671 --> 00:22:45,040
Escaping. Yeah, that's right.
520
00:22:45,065 --> 00:22:46,696
You guys think that this is day one,
521
00:22:46,721 --> 00:22:48,724
but it's actually day 60.
522
00:22:48,725 --> 00:22:51,273
You won't listen to me
because you're both dicks.
523
00:22:51,274 --> 00:22:52,790
There's no winning with you two,
524
00:22:52,815 --> 00:22:54,329
and there's no winning in this game.
525
00:22:54,354 --> 00:22:55,855
Well said, Josh, but go faster.
526
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,154
Every second counts.
527
00:22:57,158 --> 00:22:59,458
Don't forget the clove hitch
for the safety.
528
00:23:00,707 --> 00:23:03,331
Okay, there's a 640-foot drop,
529
00:23:03,356 --> 00:23:05,258
and only 620 feet of Arachno-silk.
530
00:23:05,259 --> 00:23:06,843
If you guys want to escape,
531
00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:08,554
you have to swing over
and climb onto a ledge
532
00:23:08,556 --> 00:23:09,726
and go the rest of the way down.
533
00:23:11,144 --> 00:23:12,939
Wall pegs are to the left.
534
00:23:18,451 --> 00:23:20,451
When did you get kind of hot?
535
00:23:20,455 --> 00:23:22,963
I don't understand how
he figured this out in one day.
536
00:23:22,964 --> 00:23:24,000
Fuck you guys!
537
00:23:26,509 --> 00:23:28,479
Who's ready for some...
538
00:23:29,598 --> 00:23:31,726
I find this very annoying.
539
00:23:31,727 --> 00:23:33,104
Tough call.
540
00:23:33,105 --> 00:23:35,105
First blood! First blood!
541
00:23:35,109 --> 00:23:40,034
And here they are, ready to die!
542
00:23:56,165 --> 00:24:01,165
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
41659
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