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-Hello, everybody. Don't mind me.
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Don't, don't. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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No, no, no.
4
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Hello. Sorry.
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I didn't think this through.
6
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I practiced without people here,
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and then I thought that would be fun.
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Hello.
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Oh! Oh! Thank you.
10
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Thank you so much for coming.
11
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Um, is everybody comfortable?
Is everybody happy?
12
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Yes. There's gonna be points in this show
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where you're not gonna be sure
if you should laugh or feel sorry for me.
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I suggest you laugh.
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Because if you don't laugh,
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this shit still happened,
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uh, but it will have happened for nothing.
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And that's on you.
19
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You know, maybe
I can ask you questions.
20
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,960
Do it like an interview.
21
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,000
Yeah, well, that's...
That's a good point.
22
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That's a good point.
23
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,920
So I was walking to the hospital
and I bumped into a guy
24
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that I used to run with.
25
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And I say I used to run with him,
we weren't in a cool gang
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selling drugs on the stoop
like The Fast and the Furious,
27
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to afford drag racing on the weekends.
28
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,160
Uh, I was in an athletic squad
and he was in my squad.
29
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Uh, he wasn't my favorite member
of the squad.
30
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He was a very clean-cut American guy
and he spoke about women
31
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with that exaggerated respect
32
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that implies a severe
Madonna-whore complex.
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You know, the kind of thing
that's gonna lead to a sexless marriage
34
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and an angry self-loathing porn habit.
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But very polite.
36
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Very nice to talk to.
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He was not my favorite member
of the squad.
38
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My favorite member of the squad
was a guy called Toby.
39
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And he was beautiful.
He was just incredible
40
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and he was fast and I had the kind of...
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I had the... Okay.
42
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,640
I didn't go to athletics training
because I liked it.
43
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,440
I didn't go because I was good at it,
44
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I went 'cause I went to pick up
my brother one day from training
45
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and Toby was there.
46
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And I just kept coming to training.
47
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Six days a week. Six days a week.
48
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,960
I ran three marathons.
49
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,960
I had the kind of crush
where you can't look at their face.
50
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,040
You know, I'd be running behind him
in the back,
51
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angle of his jaw was the most
beautiful thing I had ever seen.
52
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And he was so fast, he was so beautiful,
53
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,720
and he would say things that I couldn't,
like, didn't quite make sense,
54
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,800
and I was never sure he was one step
ahead of me or quite stupid.
55
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,480
And I adored him, I adored him
and one day,
56
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,360
one day he asked me
if I would like a lift home from training.
57
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Yeah, of course.
58
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Cool.
59
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:47,600
Okay.
60
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,120
It had been already
a long training session.
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I was sweating and shaking
before I got in the car.
62
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And then I got in the car,
and I was sweating and I was shaking,
63
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and I couldn't look at him,
but I could smell him.
64
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,320
He was there and I was there, he was there
and I was just breathing and...
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00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,440
After a while,
66
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,560
after a while, I realized, um,
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that the silence in the car
68
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had gone
69
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:19,720
too long.
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Like, way too long.
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00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,040
Like, you know, your only job
as a passenger in a car
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is to make pleasant conversation,
and I had said nothing,
73
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I'd said nothing, and I was...
I didn't have a phone,
74
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,200
and I couldn't... I thought I had to
break this silence that's been going on.
75
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,920
It's been going on a long time.
Whatever I say has to be good.
76
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,920
But I've got nothing.
I thought, I'll just start talking.
77
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You're a smart woman, Alice.
78
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,040
You can start talking
and something good will come out.
79
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,160
So I broke the silence.
80
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I said,
81
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:58,840
"So how do you feel about soup?"
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And then there was more silence.
83
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And then he said,
84
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,360
"I like pumpkin soup."
85
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And I said, "This is my house here.
I'll just get out here."
86
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,560
I got out of the car
and I walked through the front gate
87
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,320
and down the side of a house
that was not mine.
88
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,200
And I hid behind some bushes
and waited for him to drive away
89
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,720
and then I walked
the two and a half kilometers home.
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00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,720
It would've been fine, would've been fine.
91
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,040
I would've got away with it too,
92
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,440
except that that weekend was squad brunch
93
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,000
at my house.
94
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,800
So he came to my house, my actual house,
and he was there,
95
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,840
he was eating bircher muesli,
he was looking at me, I assume.
96
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,120
And he said,
97
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,400
"This isn't where I dropped you off."
98
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,720
And I said, "Oh, yeah,
no, yeah, I forgot."
99
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:13,400
I forgot.
100
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:15,560
I forgot.
101
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,760
So he thought either
that I had forgotten where I lived,
102
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,400
or he thought that I didn't
trust him with my home address
103
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until the weekend.
104
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,480
Or he thought,
that his pumpkin soup answer
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had been so offensive,
106
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,160
that I just had to jump and roll.
107
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He asked me out three weeks later,
and I said no out of surprise.
108
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:49,840
Obviously I hadn't seen it coming.
I wasn't reading any facial cues.
109
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,040
So he was my favorite member of the squad.
This American guy was not.
110
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But, you know, we'd run together.
It's a special bond.
111
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,200
So when he said, "Where are you going?"
I told him.
112
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,600
I said I'm going to the hospital
to visit my mum, she's very sick.
113
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,760
And he said, "Oh, yeah, I'd heard that."
114
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,960
Which is a weird thing, right?
115
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,600
'Cause I hadn't told him,
but he already knew.
116
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,520
It's something that happens nowadays
more and more often
117
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,680
'cause we're living
in an age of social media.
118
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Social conventions haven't caught up
to the fact that we're in a panopticon.
119
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,360
You know. You say,
"I had a great sandwich the other day."
120
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,360
They go, "I know, I enjoyed them.
121
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,360
"I liked it on Twitter and Instagram."
122
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,280
But it was weirder still in this instance
123
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because I had not been talking about
the situation with my mum on social media.
124
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Because the situation with my mum
was sort of so complicated
125
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,520
and difficult that it would've needed
126
00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:48,200
like a three or four or five paragraph
Facebook status update.
127
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,880
Right? And you know those three or four
or five paragraph Facebook status updates.
128
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,880
All you need is one typo
in the wrong place
129
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,880
and you look like the crazy aunt
who is tweeting about her divorce.
130
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,720
You know, she's telling you in length
and detail exactly what he's doing wrong,
131
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,640
and you understand exactly
what he's doing wrong
132
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,160
and yet also somehow
exactly why he's divorcing her.
133
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,400
I think you should be allowed to print out
those very long Facebook status updates
134
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,160
and hand them in at your local pharmacy
over the counter
135
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,760
for, like, heavy schedule
pre-psychiatric medication.
136
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,480
"Hi, I have a severe lack of judgement,
have you got anything..."
137
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,040
He already knew, and I assume
he's heard it through the grapevine,
138
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,240
and then we proceeded to have
a very strange conversation,
139
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,440
a very odd conversation.
140
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,360
Because every question he asked,
he already knew the answer to.
141
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,080
It was like doing a weird dance.
Like every question, he's like,
142
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,880
"Oh, yeah, I know." Then I was,
"Why am I answering these questions?"
143
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,040
"Why are you asking these questions
if you already..."
144
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,520
"Why am I answering these questions
if you..." I was just...
145
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,040
After a while, I was getting annoyed,
146
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,760
and so when he, when he asked me
exactly what was wrong,
147
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I told him.
148
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,040
I told him exactly what was wrong.
149
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,200
And he...
150
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,880
Um, he put his hand on my face.
151
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,120
Like a mafia head hug.
152
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,080
And he said, uh,
153
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,000
"Well, I believe God heals."
154
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,080
Which was new.
155
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,040
It's not normally what people say
when you tell them bad news.
156
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,000
Normally what people say
when you tell them bad news is,
157
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,640
"Oh, I'm so sorry, let me know
if there's anything I can do."
158
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:40,720
That's a nice thing to say.
159
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,520
That's a nice thing to say
even if they don't mean it.
160
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,960
It's a nice thing to mean to say, right?
161
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,320
But "I believe God heals." And he said it
with the courage of conviction,
162
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,200
not just that he believed
what he was saying,
163
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,120
but that he believed it was
the right thing to say.
164
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,720
This guy.
165
00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,280
Let's call him Dick.
166
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,960
'Cause that's his name.
167
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,400
Not what people call him
or what's on his birth certificate,
168
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,440
but, you know, his soul name.
169
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,240
So I didn't know what to do,
I didn't know what to say,
170
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,600
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't do what I wanted to do,
171
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,800
which was push him down the stairs,
and say, "How's God on broken legs?"
172
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,240
I didn't do that, I didn't do that.
173
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:31,600
'Cause there were no stairs.
174
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,720
And, you know, obviously he meant well,
and I knew he meant well,
175
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,560
because he sent me a message
later on Facebook,
176
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,160
saying, "I feel like I can offer you
some comfort."
177
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,880
Which is what a serial killer would say,
but also,
178
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,920
you know, someone who meant well
and had no social skills.
179
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,280
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't know what to say,
180
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,120
so what I did was I stared at him.
181
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,680
And then I walked away,
182
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,720
like Jason Statham walking away
183
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,120
from a burning building
in an action movie.
184
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,080
Except he wasn't on fire.
185
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,920
Except in my head.
186
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,520
He was on fire.
187
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,320
I love action movies.
I love action movies.
188
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,920
I love action movies
because I think art is a beautiful way
189
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,680
to turn pain into beauty.
190
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,080
Right? And action movies do that.
191
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,120
Obviously, in action movies,
the pain is of a man whose lats are so big
192
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,320
he can't touch his belt.
193
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,440
You know. He has to wake up
at three o'clock in the morning
194
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,120
and drink a chicken milk shake.
195
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,280
Eating spoonfuls of protein powder.
196
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,440
Smelling like milk.
197
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,640
Yeah, have you heard about this?
A lot of bodybuilders smell like milk.
198
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,400
They do this thing
called the GOMAD protocol.
199
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,200
Look it up online, it's a thing.
200
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,160
Particularly teenage boys
that are trying to bulk up.
201
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:58,000
GOMAD, it stands for,
a gallon of milk a day.
202
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,280
Oh, that's so much milk.
203
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,680
That is nearly four
and a half liters of milk.
204
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,200
That's so much milk.
205
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,360
That's so much... So if you don't like,
if you don't like action movies,
206
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,400
do what I do the next time
you are watching an action movie.
207
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,960
And when you see them
running around the corner,
208
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,240
and they run out of sight of the camera,
209
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,000
if they're, like, Tom Cruise,
they run at a more acute angle
210
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,680
'cause he's got
a lower center of gravity that's...
211
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,360
Just imagine they then
immediately fold over
212
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,560
and throw up three
and a half liters of milk.
213
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,360
By then it's cheese, bleh, bleh, bleh.
214
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:38,960
Doing those protein powder farts,
like hitting the bottom of a talc bottle.
215
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,200
Poof, poof, poof.
216
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,360
Art is a great way to turn pain
into beauty, and I was thinking about this
217
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:49,680
when I was walking away from Dick,
because, uh, that day
218
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,400
it was three days
before the very first trial of this show.
219
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,720
And I, I was gonna write this show,
and what I wanted to write
220
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,840
was a silly, funny, happy,
lighthearted comedy show
221
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,840
and the show was gonna be in three days,
222
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,320
and I had nothing.
223
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:06,720
I had nothing.
224
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,320
I had one silly banjo song and nothing.
225
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,280
Because I was really sad.
226
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,760
I was really sad and it's very hard
227
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,000
to write comedy about things
that are actually sad.
228
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,200
Right? 'Cause it's... Comedy is good
for surface sadness.
229
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,960
"I have difficulty relating to women
because I don't respect them."
230
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,000
And they can tell, like...
231
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,120
That kind of...
232
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,040
But it's not good for things
that are actually, genuinely, truly sad.
233
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,960
Because it's not just that
it's hard for me to write,
234
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,560
it's hard for you to laugh.
235
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,240
Right? Because you're not sure
if you should laugh if I'm not okay.
236
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:46,960
Right?
237
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,040
You know what? It's not even
that you don't wanna bully me.
238
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,200
It's like, I'm the bully.
I'm, you know, saying horrible things
239
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,480
and then you, you don't wanna be the guy
on the sidelines, being like,
240
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,680
"Yeah, put the boot in, Kevin." Like...
241
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,600
'Cause I think there are plenty of things
that are sad that are actually funny.
242
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,480
Like things that are genuinely sad
that are also very funny.
243
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,720
Like, in my mum's hospital room,
they had a paper towel dispenser.
244
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,600
You know the...
245
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,160
Krrrt. Krrrt.
246
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,480
I'm not good at mime, go with me here.
247
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,720
It was on the wall,
it was directly above the sink.
248
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,320
Pshhh.
249
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,840
But not "pshh," because it was
a motion sensor sink.
250
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,840
Um, which meant that every time
you pulled the paper towel...
251
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:34,560
Krrt, pshhh.
252
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,160
Krrt, pshhh.
253
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,040
It turned on the sink
and wet the paper towel.
254
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,640
It was a perfect self-sustaining
capitalist economy, just...
255
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,680
Just supplying the demand
for the supply it was demanding.
256
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,640
As initially satisfying as it was,
257
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,880
at second glance,
incredibly self-defeating.
258
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,080
You know, like if you sold
anti-depressants,
259
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,440
but were also a producer on the X-Factor.
260
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,120
I wanted to write, then I thought maybe
261
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,000
I can't write this silly, funny,
happy, light-hearted show.
262
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,080
Maybe I'll write a show
about things that are sad.
263
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,000
Right? 'Cause what is comedy for
264
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,720
except for talking about the things
that people don't talk about?
265
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,360
Isn't it? Isn't that what it's for?
266
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:23,520
I just don't think there's enough room
in civilized society for sadness anymore.
267
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,240
Like, people say "Call me anytime."
They do not mean it.
268
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,840
They don't mean it.
They want you to package away your sadness
269
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,800
into one-hour blocks,
see a psychiatrist, see a psychotherapist,
270
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,000
see a sex worker, whatever it is.
Take anti-depressants, heroin,
271
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,000
just package it away.
272
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,920
Even in places that you should be
allowed to be sad, you're not.
273
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,120
I went to a funeral
that was a happy funeral.
274
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:48,880
Have you been to these?
275
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,520
It was like a celebration,
everyone had to wear bright colors,
276
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,720
and there were flowers
like there are ordinarily flowers
277
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,160
but these were more colorful flowers.
278
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,760
And they had balloons.
279
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,880
And they had bubble blowers.
280
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:08,200
I did not know until that day
that the saddest thing in the world
281
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,560
is watching somebody
blow bubbles like this.
282
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,880
Beautiful bubbles going out in the air,
283
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,320
each one reflecting
a perfect panorama of sadness.
284
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,320
At this happy funeral,
everyone was trying to be happy.
285
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,880
I thought, this is what
is wrong with everything.
286
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,640
Like, this is the...
Everything has to look good and be fun
287
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,040
and smell good and taste good
and not have hair on it.
288
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,200
Like this is the... This is the slippery
slope that leads to anal bleaching.
289
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,480
You know that's a thing, right?
290
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,000
That's a thing.
It's not just sitting on a lemon.
291
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,280
People pay for it.
292
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:55,200
I...
293
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,440
I mean, do what you want with your body
and all of that, but also...
294
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,960
Like, if you're sitting there
with one of those, like,
295
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:08,080
paint color charts from a hardware shop
trying to pick what shade you'll go,
296
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,880
just know this, these three facts.
297
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,320
If you take nothing else away
from this show,
298
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,920
let it be these three facts.
299
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,800
Buttholes are brown.
300
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,480
They are meant to be brown.
301
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,520
And we're all going to die.
302
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,480
Just take that onboard
and you will live such a happier life.
303
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,920
So much less stressful. There's no room...
304
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,960
Even in places where you should be
allowed be sad
305
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,560
there is no room to be sad.
I went to an art therapy class,
306
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:40,440
and I ruined it.
307
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,480
I went to this art therapy class,
a bunch of other girls in my running squad
308
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,880
and when they were getting
to their late 20s,
309
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,640
apparently that's what you do
in your late 20s.
310
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,080
Art therapy, I don't know.
311
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,960
If you are into art therapy,
this is the only one I've ever been to.
312
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,800
This is the only class I've ever been to.
It may have been a bad one.
313
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,280
We had to hold hands around a candle
314
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,640
and dedicate ourselves to the class.
315
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,280
And if anyone said anything
or shared anything
316
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,160
we had to say,
317
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,560
"Thank you for sharing."
318
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,520
And then they told us
to make a collage about our fears
319
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,080
and they gave us Clag glue
320
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,320
and women's magazines.
321
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,560
Uh, if you're not from Australia,
you don't know what Clag glue is.
322
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:36,000
It's like a pot of non-toxic
semi-translucent sort of...
323
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:38,800
paste.
324
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,320
It's bullshit!
325
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,760
Clag glue is bullshit.
Slippery, ripply, never dry.
326
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,480
Gets carpet stuck to it, it's bullshit.
327
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,080
I think they give Clag glue
to children who have artistic talent
328
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,440
to convince them
they have no artistic talent.
329
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,080
So they just give up
and become accountants.
330
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,040
I'm there, I'm trying
to make my fear collage...
331
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,800
Just everything's getting... And I just
did what you always do with Clag glue,
332
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,240
which is you give up, you get frustrated
and you eat it.
333
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,800
That's why they make it non-toxic.
334
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,760
You look disgusted. It's also imaginary.
335
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,760
And then we had to go
around the circle and share
336
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,200
how our collage has represented our fears.
337
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,800
One of the girls got up and she said, "Um,
338
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,440
"this picture of the environment
represents the environment
339
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,160
"and this picture of a sassy businesswoman
from Cosmopolitan magazine
340
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,520
"represents my career.
341
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,720
"And I feel like I'm focusing very much
on my career right now,
342
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,280
"but I'm ignoring the world around me,
and my fear is that
343
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,480
"I'm making the wrong decision
and that I'll regret it later."
344
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:52,960
"Thank you for sharing."
345
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,160
Next girl got up and she said,
"This picture of a baby
346
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,240
"represents a baby. I'm gonna have a baby.
347
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,160
"And this picture of a sassy older woman
from Cosmopolitan magazine
348
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,520
"represents my mum.
349
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,960
"Uh, my mum is, like, great,
but she's like, so intense.
350
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,240
"She's like, whoa, too intense, Mum.
Like, way too intense.
351
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,080
"She's like always calling me,
and bringing me around food
352
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,680
"and, like, calling my boyfriend,
and asking about my boyfriend.
353
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,800
"It's like, 'Whoa, Mum, too much love.
Slow down, calm down.'"
354
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:19,640
Right?
355
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,440
Does anyone have one of those,
like, intense mums?
356
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,960
Yeah, you have one of them.
357
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,920
Look, I get that that is
a genuine problem.
358
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,320
Like, I understand intellectually
that it is a problem.
359
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,800
But my mum, my mum was sick my whole life.
360
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,320
She had MS, which is multiple sclerosis.
361
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,960
It's a degenerative
neurological condition.
362
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,880
It's where your body sees itself
as the enemy and attacks itself.
363
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,800
It's like a teenage girl.
364
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,200
Comedian with a drinking problem.
365
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,080
A young man who just got
his motorcycle license.
366
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,800
What that meant is she never had
the energy to be that kind of mum.
367
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,200
She loved us so much, but she just
didn't have that kind of energy.
368
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,360
So when people are like,
"Oh, my mum's, like, too intense."
369
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,960
I get that it's...
Like, I do. I understand that it is...
370
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,200
But in my ears, um...
371
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,800
In my ears, it just sounds like...
372
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,760
"I got a blister from my yacht."
373
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,640
"I ate too much caviar
and now I feel a bit queasy."
374
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,440
Like, I do get that it's a problem,
but also, fuck your problem.
375
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,080
And then I got up.
376
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,800
And I said, "This bit here
that's kind of sliding off the edge,
377
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:41,640
"represents that I've been looking after
my mum since I was a child, right?
378
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,800
"And I'm not sure
if I go out in the world,
379
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,440
"if I know how to be without being needed.
380
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,400
"And I'm worried that if I go out,
I'll just desperately try and find
381
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,640
"someone to need me,
and I'll never be a real person. Um...
382
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,040
"And this bit here
with carpet stuck on it..."
383
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,000
"...that represents
that she's been sick for so long,
384
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,800
"and getting worse for so long,
385
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,800
"uh, that sometimes I just want it to end.
386
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,200
"But there's no way for it
to end without...
387
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,280
"I mean, wanting it to end means
wanting her to die, right?
388
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,000
"And wanting to go on means
wanting her to keep getting worse.
389
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,920
"And who wants either of those things
for a parent they love?
390
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,200
"Um, and this bit here..."
391
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,280
"This represents
392
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,080
"that ever since I left home in my mid 20s
393
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,760
"and went out into the world,
394
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,520
"I've been trying to prove something.
395
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,640
"And there is nothing
396
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,200
"that I can ever do
that will be good enough
397
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,280
"to justify abandoning
the most important human duty
398
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,080
"a child has to a parent."
399
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,000
And I ruined the class.
400
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,800
I ruined the class. I ruined the...
401
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,040
I didn't mean to. I kind of meant to. I...
402
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:20,200
They're all just sitting around
in a circle, eating Clag glue and crying.
403
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,880
I think that's a successful
art therapy class, I don't know.
404
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,120
It's the only one I've ever been to.
405
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,240
I mean, I'm saying there's no room
in a civilized nation for sadness.
406
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,320
There's no room in nature
for sadness either, right?
407
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,360
I was brought up as a little Buddhist kid.
408
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,040
Um, so it's nature, right? Tooth and claw.
409
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,840
If you don't know,
if you weren't brought up as a Buddhist,
410
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,080
you're not allowed to kill
any of the little creatures in your house.
411
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,640
You're not allowed to kill ants
or cockroaches, or door-to-door salesmen.
412
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,200
Not like the other kids.
413
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,360
And people assume
that means you're squeamish.
414
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,520
'Cause, like, I don't want to kill
even the smallest creature.
415
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,720
They don't realize that if you don't kill
any of the little creatures in your house
416
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:02,400
as a child, what you get to see
is a lot of little creatures
417
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:03,600
killing each other.
418
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,360
You go into school, you know,
the teacher says,
419
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,560
"Alice, you're late.
The early bird catches the worm."
420
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:11,840
And you go, "Yes, Miss Melafont.
421
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,200
"And the early worm dies brutally
and is dragged away by a colony of ants,
422
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,000
"which is eaten by a passing lizard,
which is gutted by a snail,
423
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,480
"and spends three days
dying in the hot sun.
424
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:24,880
"Oh, the naughty corner again."
425
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,760
I was brought up Buddhist.
I remember running into my Dad.
426
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,000
"Dad, death, death is gonna happen."
427
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,760
Dad said, "Yes, Alice, life is suffering
and then you die."
428
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,400
"Happy fifth birthday.
429
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,680
Like, for years, I never had faith, right?
I never had, and I didn't understand
430
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,800
when Dick put his hand on my face
and said, "I believe God heals."
431
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,600
I didn't understand what he meant.
432
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,400
Like, he's heard of ebola, right?
433
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,960
You know, I couldn't... I was jealous.
434
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,920
I wanted to know why he believed that.
435
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:06,520
How he could hold that level of faith
in the face of reality.
436
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:13,400
Right? You know, you believe God heals
I believe people are dying... Right?
437
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,880
I believe everybody is dying, but
some people are more dying than others,
438
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,120
to paraphrase the French Revolution.
439
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,160
I was walking away from him
and I was thinking about faith.
440
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,320
And here's the thing
that I think about faith.
441
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,120
As someone who doesn't understand it.
442
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:35,840
Um, this is what I think about all faiths,
Christianity, CrossFit, everything.
443
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,720
And I think, if you are of a faith,
444
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,800
pretend for this bit
that I'm talking about not your one.
445
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,320
So I think faith is where
you have two things...
446
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:54,880
and you believe them both.
447
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,080
Equally. You think
they're both true, right?
448
00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,480
And they don't fit together, though.
449
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,720
They don't, they don't fit together.
They're both true, but they can't...
450
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,160
So, like life after death,
451
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,400
or the lion and the lamb at the same time,
452
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:09,960
or vegan paleo.
453
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:13,240
Corporate wellness.
454
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,480
And you believe them both,
so they have to fit together somehow,
455
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,360
but they don't fit together,
so you're trying to push them together
456
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:22,440
in your head.
457
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:23,960
You're trying to push them together
and they won't go together.
458
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,480
You push them together
and they won't go together.
459
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,160
It's like two opposing magnetic forces.
460
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,800
And you're trying to push them together
and they won't go together
461
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:31,600
and you feel, after a while,
462
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,080
you start to feel
463
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,160
like there must be
464
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:39,520
something
465
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:41,520
there.
466
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:43,720
Right?
467
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,360
That thing that you can't see
and you can't understand.
468
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,400
And doesn't... It's not anything,
it doesn't feel like it's there,
469
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:50,640
but it has to be there, right?
470
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,640
And you realize it must be
beyond the scope
471
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,120
of your human understanding, right?
472
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,320
And in that moment,
you realize that there is a scope
473
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,560
beyond your human understanding.
And in that instant,
474
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,160
your tiny human brain, which can
only contain what it can contain,
475
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,600
contains for an instant
the idea of the infinite,
476
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,920
and it blows you apart.
477
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,520
And it feels amazing.
478
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:18,320
And after I gave up on wanting this
to be a silly, funny, happy,
479
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,160
lighthearted comedy show,
I decided I wanted it to be about that.
480
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:26,400
About that feeling of transcendence,
of being, like, together you're more
481
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:29,560
than the sum of your parts.
Like, uplifted and transported and...
482
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:33,960
And I'm not sure if I can deliver that.
483
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:41,640
Um, because I don't have the faith
that Dick had
484
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,720
before I didn't push him down the stairs.
485
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:51,040
I did do a TED Talk.
486
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:57,560
Which is, like, what we millennials
have instead of church, right?
487
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,440
Like, I got asked to do a TED,
so I ran into my mum at the hospital.
488
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:04,360
I was like, "Mum, I'm sorry
I'm not gonna be here this afternoon.
489
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:05,880
"I'm gonna go do a TED Talk."
490
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,320
And she said, "Oh, darling,
I'm so proud of you.
491
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,200
"I'm so proud of you. What's a TED talk?"
492
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,560
And I said, "It's like a packaged
inspiration deal.
493
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,320
"You have to say an idea
that you think can change the world,
494
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:22,960
"and I want to talk about vanity
in the face of death.
495
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,240
"I want to talk about vanity
in the face of death."
496
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,120
'Cause I was going in
to the palliative care ward every day,
497
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:33,240
and there was an informercial
that everyone was watching.
498
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,280
Right? It was for a guy called Dr. Butt.
499
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:41,640
With his three-way butt system
to improve your butt.
500
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:44,920
Some of these people did not have butts.
501
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,920
So I went to do this TED talk.
I went to do this TED talk, and I show up,
502
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:54,400
and they tell me the program,
and the program is, I'm on last.
503
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,840
That's where comedians go,
comedians go last.
504
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,280
That's where they put us.
505
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,120
And before me is a space video.
506
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,320
Some small thing to make some big thing
go faster. I don't know, I don't care.
507
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:05,720
It was probably not important.
508
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,600
I mean, it's probably important
for, like, the future of space travel,
509
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,560
but not important to me in that moment.
510
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:14,080
Except insofar as it serves
like a palette cleanser.
511
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,960
Because before me is Turia Pitt.
512
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:19,120
Do you know Turia Pitt?
513
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,160
Yeah. I... She is...
If you know her story, you'll know...
514
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,480
And I knew this was gonna be intense.
I'm glad there's a space video.
515
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:30,560
It can sort of reset the crowd.
Because she is incredibly inspirational.
516
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,360
And she was a beautiful young lady,
517
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,440
she was caught
in an ultra-marathon, in a fire,
518
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,560
and burned over 65% of her body,
519
00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:40,200
and very badly disfigured.
And she does these speeches.
520
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,080
And I knew it was gonna be intense.
I'm backstage being microphoned up,
521
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:46,200
and they have piles of boxes of tissues.
522
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:50,520
Piles.
523
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,960
It's like 500 people.
Like, one per three...
524
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:55,320
It's gonna be intense.
525
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,400
I'm like, "Thank God
there's a space video."
526
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,000
So Turia Pitt walks out,
527
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,760
this small, dignified figure.
528
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:07,840
She stands on this red dot
in the middle of the stage,
529
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,680
and, to 500 people,
she talks about what it felt like
530
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:13,240
to be burned.
531
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,840
What it felt like. And then she talked
about how her friends found her,
532
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,760
but they didn't recognize her
until she spoke,
533
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:21,640
and then she saw in that moment
of recognition in their eyes
534
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:22,840
how bad it was.
535
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,120
And then she spoke
about being in the hospital,
536
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,640
hearing the screams of people
coming down the ward.
537
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,440
Having their bandages changed
in the burns ward.
538
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,600
Because it's so painful to have your...
Begging not to have her bandages changed.
539
00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:38,120
And she talked about how people told
her boyfriend that he should leave her
540
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:39,920
because she wasn't beautiful anymore.
541
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:46,840
And he said that he wouldn't leave her,
because she was still beautiful to him.
542
00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:51,320
And they start deploying the tissues.
543
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,600
Up the aisles, just
544
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:58,200
bucket chains of reverse moisture.
545
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:02,640
And I'm backstage and I'm
546
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:06,080
being caught up in the power of her speech
and I am also thinking,
547
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:08,600
"Thank God there's a space video."
548
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:14,400
And she talked about how she had to wear,
like, a mask, like a balaclava
549
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:17,240
on her face to keep her face on,
for, like, a year.
550
00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:21,000
And then she didn't need to wear it
anymore, but she didn't take it off.
551
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,560
She didn't wanna take it off
because she didn't want to take it off
552
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:24,880
and see that this is what she looked like,
553
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:26,760
and acknowledge that this is
who she was now,
554
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,520
and that she didn't want
other people to see her
555
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,360
and to know her
556
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:32,200
as she was.
557
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:37,240
And then she talked about how she decided
that she was gonna take it off,
558
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,360
and walk out in the world
and feel proud and feel beautiful.
559
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,040
Because then anyone, she thought,
anyone looking at her
560
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,920
who thought anything was in their way,
could look at her,
561
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:54,120
proud and strong and beautiful,
and know that they could do anything
562
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,160
and be anyone that they wanted.
563
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:02,160
And I thought...
564
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,320
"I hope the space video is long."
565
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,920
And then she looked
at this 500-person audience,
566
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:18,360
and she said, "Think about the masks
you are wearing."
567
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:20,920
And then she walked off.
568
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:23,520
She came past me.
569
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:27,960
And then the compère, the MC, walked on.
570
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,360
Man in his mid-50s, mustache, in tears
571
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,400
and he said,
572
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,880
"And now for something
a little bit funny."
573
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,560
Is it a funny space video?
574
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:56,520
"Everybody put your hands together,
welcome to the stage, Alice Fraser."
575
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,160
"I don't wanna, I don't wanna..."
576
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:01,400
They're like, "No, no, no, he forgot.
There's no space... He..."
577
00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:02,880
Like, "Go, go, go."
578
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:09,880
You can look this up online.
You can look it up online.
579
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:15,000
I walk out, I stand on this red dot,
I face 500 people in tears.
580
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:19,040
There's a woman in the third row
who's sobbing so hard she's retching.
581
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:23,640
Bits of cheese falling out into...
582
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:29,680
And I say,
583
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,160
"They said there was gonna be
a space video."
584
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:45,160
Because my first four and a half minutes
are about body image.
585
00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:56,840
Fuck.
586
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,160
Fuck.
587
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:08,520
Fuck.
588
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,400
So the moral of the story
589
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:18,320
is that Turia Pitt was the victim
of a terrible accident,
590
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:20,560
but she rose above that, right?
591
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,200
She went beyond that,
she transcended that,
592
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,280
she did not let that define her.
593
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,640
So I think we can all agree
on who the real victim...
594
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:46,840
I stand by everything I said,
every stupid joke I made on that stage.
595
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:49,480
I think it's ridiculous that we care
so much about how we look.
596
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,160
Particularly women. I think it's
an outrageous thing that we care
597
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:53,920
so much about how we look.
598
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,080
It's not that I don't want to look good.
Of course, I wanna look good.
599
00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:00,040
I just wanna look good in a way
that does not involve a lot of effort.
600
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:04,160
Like, "Oh, yeah,
if she put some work in..."
601
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:07,400
That's the level
602
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,640
that I wanna... Like, that's all...
Just 'cause there's so many people
603
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,960
spending so much time and money
and energy and effort
604
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,360
on what is essentially
a depreciating asset.
605
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:21,480
That is the reason, like, you see...
And particularly, like, young women
606
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,160
and you see them out in the 12% clothes,
88% goosebumps.
607
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:28,760
I'm not slut shaming.
I'm not... I'm just...
608
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,560
You know what's attractive
is a survival instinct, and...
609
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,360
Just print out a nude selfie
and staple it to a warm jumper,
610
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:38,800
and we'll all...
611
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:42,400
Everyone will be happy.
612
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:48,160
Um, feminism, I'm so conflicted
by this modern feminism.
613
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,880
It seems to be a lot
about how you feel about yourself.
614
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,080
You know... Look...
Loving your body on Instagram
615
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:56,200
as a sign of feminist... Like...
616
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,760
I don't, I don't.
617
00:36:59,920 --> 00:37:03,360
I don't Instagram love my body.
I'm fine with it.
618
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:08,360
All my elbows are in the right places
and I probably do the right amount of poo.
619
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:11,440
Can that be enough?
620
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:16,560
I just... I just...
621
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,200
I got in an argument recently
with a friend of mine, who said,
622
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,440
"You shouldn't say that women shouldn't
focus on their appearance, right?
623
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,360
"'Cause it's an evolutionary thing, right?
624
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:28,680
"It's an evolutionary thing
for women to focus on aesthetics and..."
625
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,520
Look, I'm not saying that, like,
beauty and fashion and all that...
626
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:35,080
I'm not saying that those things
are less important
627
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,600
than other more important things.
628
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:44,840
I'm just saying they're fine,
but also we ask men to overcome
629
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,560
their evolutionary impulses
all of the time, don't we?
630
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,360
We ask men to. They don't always,
but we ask 'em.
631
00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:53,080
Right? You're not allowed
to just become the CEO
632
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,480
by arm wrestling someone to death anymore.
633
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,440
Not since the '80s. We've moved on.
634
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:04,160
You don't blink an eye
if a woman tells you
635
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:06,760
she spent 45 minutes blow drying her hair.
636
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,120
You know what blow drying is, right?
637
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,160
It's where you get a tiny robot
to shout at your head.
638
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,440
Till it's the right shape
for professional life.
639
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,760
I realize this is all very binary
men and women-y stuff,
640
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,000
but, you know, we love a binary, don't we?
Binary versus nonbinary.
641
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,400
That's another binary, isn't it?
642
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:35,760
I don't know, I get it.
I get the idea that you, if you...
643
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,520
If you, a lot of my friends
who are women have this idea
644
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:40,600
that if you get the right face cream,
if you just get...
645
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,360
You can hold off death and age
646
00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,640
if you just get the right combination
of nutrients in.
647
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:47,520
Like, if you just
get the right moisturizer,
648
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,760
you will be an eternal jelly fish
floating forever in a sea of cocks.
649
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:54,360
I get it.
650
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:57,760
I just never...
651
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:00,760
I just never had
that kind of faith either.
652
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:42,800
Mm.
653
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:08,080
Um...
654
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:13,080
Mm.
655
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:16,280
Mm.
656
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:35,040
Mm.
657
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:44,880
Mm.
658
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:10,640
So...
659
00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,760
I did not just do athletics training
660
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:17,600
because I was chasing Toby
around the oval.
661
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:20,160
I did it
662
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:22,640
because
663
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,640
that health and fitness rhetoric
is so appealing, isn't it?
664
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,400
That idea that you can just keep training
665
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:30,080
and getting better and fitter
and better and fitter
666
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:32,400
until you're lifted by the gods
and put in the stars
667
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:34,120
like Hercules, right?
668
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,200
That if you're not getting better,
669
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:36,640
it's 'cause you got
your program wrong, right?
670
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:38,880
"He died. Didn't he hear about kale?"
671
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:44,520
And all of that stuff, beauty and fitness,
it's a lovely idea,
672
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:46,880
it's a beautiful idea.
I just think it's all a distraction
673
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:50,120
from the reality of the world,
which is that life is a process
674
00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,600
of weaning you off how good it was
to be a baby.
675
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,160
How good was it to be a baby?
676
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:58,960
Do you remember it?
Do you remember when you were little?
677
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:00,960
Do you remember how amazing it was?
Do you remember...
678
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:03,360
Do you remember eating
ice cream in the sun
679
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,280
on a hot day when you were, like, three?
680
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,160
With no shirt on, just running...
681
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:14,560
Do you remember what it felt like
eating hot soup on a cold night?
682
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:17,160
Running around in wet grass,
683
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:20,400
knowing there was a hot bath
waiting for you when you got in.
684
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,800
Does anyone have
any good childhood memories?
685
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,640
Any good... Show of hands...
686
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:28,680
What's yours?
687
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:35,200
I remember being so incredibly happy
every time I got the new stationery
688
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,080
at the start of the school year.
689
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:39,520
Yes. Yes.
690
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:43,640
Oh! Infinite possibilities in your hands.
691
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,160
Anyone else have any... What's yours?
692
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:53,360
I remember going up to my nana's backyard
693
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:55,880
and she had a huge oak tree.
694
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,920
And underneath it was
that really soft clover,
695
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:03,200
and we used to take our shoes off
and walk around in that clover.
696
00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:06,800
It was cold, but it was really soft
and velvety.
697
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,160
It was amazing.
698
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:10,800
Yeah, just the intensity of that.
699
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:12,560
Just an incredible thing.
700
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:15,280
Think about your childhood memories.
Think about those good ones,
701
00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:17,400
the ones that are so intense
and hyper colored,
702
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,000
and surreal and beautiful
and deep inside you.
703
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,440
Think about how amazing they were.
704
00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:25,960
And then think about this.
705
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:31,160
There are people who do jobs
706
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,560
that they hate
707
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:38,520
on a bet.
708
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:41,200
On a bet, and this is the bet,
and they pay it down every day,
709
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:42,800
and they pay it with their lives.
This is the bet.
710
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:44,640
They pay it hour by hour. This is the bet.
711
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:47,960
The bet is that by the time
you reach retirement age,
712
00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:49,600
you will not be sick,
713
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:54,280
you will not have a sick spouse,
or a sick parent, or a sick child,
714
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:59,600
and you will be as capable
of enjoying yourself then
715
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:01,920
as you are now,
716
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,240
when you can remember now
what it felt like
717
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:09,680
to eat an ice cream in the sun
when you were three.
718
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,160
I'm sorry, over here ice cream
tastes like dust.
719
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:19,040
It's fine, everything tastes like dust.
720
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:22,120
You've adjusted.
You have a fine appreciation
721
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,480
for the nuances of dust.
722
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:28,200
When was the last time
you spoke to someone very old
723
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:31,080
and said, "How are you?"
And they went, "Amazing."
724
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,080
You have to enjoy things when you can,
while you can.
725
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:41,320
It's the same thing... The opposite,
the flip side of the same coin.
726
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:45,000
When teenage girls are, like,
running at adult problems.
727
00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,400
Oh, complicated emotional... Oh, adult...
728
00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:50,680
You know those ones. They're just,
"Oh, boys, men! Oh, complicated!"
729
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:52,480
"Oh, I'm feeling so many grownup..."
730
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:54,040
Like, sweetheart...
731
00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:56,200
Life will fuck you.
732
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:00,080
Yes.
733
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:02,640
And men will come, they'll happen.
734
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:06,480
In both instances,
probably before you're ready.
735
00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:11,680
My mum was diagnosed with MS
when she was 27,
736
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:13,840
which is younger than I am now.
737
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,080
My mum was brilliant.
738
00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:19,880
She could play any instrument
she put her hands to.
739
00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:22,920
She could... She taught herself
Russian and Chinese for fun.
740
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:26,520
Like, she was so brilliant
and fast, and charming
741
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:29,960
and, and beautiful, and, and...
742
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,560
And then she couldn't feel her hands.
743
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:40,320
And then, um, and she lost things,
then she lost, you know, bits and pieces.
744
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:43,440
She lost feeling in her hands,
she lost her balance,
745
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:46,160
she lost her temper, and bit by bit,
746
00:45:46,240 --> 00:45:49,800
um, she lost everything that she thought
made her special.
747
00:45:52,640 --> 00:45:55,960
And then she needed help
getting up and down the stairs,
748
00:45:56,080 --> 00:45:57,640
and then she needed help
getting out of bed,
749
00:45:57,720 --> 00:45:59,400
and then she needed help
going to the toilet
750
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:01,080
and keeping herself clean, and then...
751
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:04,480
She had MS for 33 years.
752
00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:07,880
And then about halfway through
753
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:10,720
the Melbourne International
Comedy Festival in 2015,
754
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:13,840
she was diagnosed with cancer.
755
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:20,080
And then Dick...
756
00:46:22,240 --> 00:46:23,640
put his hand
757
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:27,160
on my face
758
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,840
and said, "I believe God heals."
759
00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:36,640
And I
760
00:46:40,240 --> 00:46:41,280
walked away.
761
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:45,600
Because I don't know what I believe.
I don't know what I believe in.
762
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,720
I don't know what I...
I don't know what I believe,
763
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:49,520
but just 'cause you know
what you believe in and I don't
764
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:51,240
doesn't make you right and me wrong.
765
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:53,120
I don't know what I believe.
What do I believe?
766
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:55,640
I believe young men these days
show too much skin.
767
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:57,800
Those short tight short shorts.
768
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:00,680
I think it's scandalous.
769
00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:03,480
I believe people who buy umbrellas
are trying to hide from the truth.
770
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:08,960
I believe I'm half mermaid, half human,
771
00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,440
but the mermaid half is the human half
of the mermaid.
772
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,640
So essentially 100% human,
but I have a deep spiritual affinity
773
00:47:18,720 --> 00:47:20,320
for Jason Momoa in Aquaman.
774
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:26,880
I believe it is a very sad, very bad thing
775
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,440
that we have to walk home
with our keys between our knuckles.
776
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,400
And there's always one key
that you're not sure where you got it from
777
00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:34,040
or what it's for.
778
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:37,720
But I believe you never know
when you're gonna meet the thief
779
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:39,280
whose heart it will unlock.
780
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,000
I was walking in the city the other day.
781
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,280
I was walking in the city,
and I felt so lost.
782
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:54,320
And I saw one of those maps, you know,
the maps on the pole, those things...
783
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:58,280
And there's a map on a pole
and it had a bubble, a red bubble,
784
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:02,320
and it said, "You are here."
785
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:08,480
You are here. And I thought,
786
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:11,160
"Oh, good.
787
00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:18,000
"There's is me, and there's a here,
and I'm here."
788
00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:20,000
And I walked on.
789
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:23,760
I came back later, I came back later,
790
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:26,960
and it knew I was back.
791
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:39,400
I think people who say
that they believe in God,
792
00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:41,080
but they don't really believe
in God anymore,
793
00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:43,200
say things like, "God is good,"
794
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:44,880
or "God is love."
795
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:48,120
Let's put "God is good" aside
for a minute.
796
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,040
That is just a problem
with counting "o's".
797
00:48:56,200 --> 00:49:00,440
God is love. God is love.
What kind of love?
798
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,200
What kind? Is it the kind of love
where you can't look at their face?
799
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,680
Is it the kind of love where you got like
a relative, like an aunt or something,
800
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:13,400
and you love them, but every Christmas
they play Monopoly, and they cheat.
801
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:16,480
So next year you're not gonna
play Monopoly
802
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:19,320
and you won't get them such
a good present, but you still love them.
803
00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:23,400
What kind of... What kind of love?
804
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:24,960
Right?
805
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:30,040
I have a friend who lost his faith, right,
806
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,520
watching the movie There Will Be Blood.
807
00:49:33,640 --> 00:49:36,440
Right? You know that movie? There's a
bad preacher that convinces the parish
808
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,520
to give up their land
to a greedy oil baron
809
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:42,560
by working them to a religious frenzy,
by making them sing songs together,
810
00:49:42,640 --> 00:49:45,280
and then they feel uplifted and...
My friend, watching that movie...
811
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,200
He'd always thought that that feeling
that you have of singing together,
812
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,080
of being together,
of feeling like together
813
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:51,400
you're more than the sum of your parts,
814
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:54,160
he'd always thought that that was proof
of the presence of God.
815
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:58,240
And he hadn't realized you could fake it.
816
00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:01,280
Right? I'm not anti-faith.
817
00:50:01,360 --> 00:50:03,720
I think it's wonderful if you manage
to have faith in this world.
818
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,880
All the other things
that religion used to provide
819
00:50:05,960 --> 00:50:08,920
have been outsourced to the gig economy.
I'm glad you have your faith.
820
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:11,080
All the other things
that religion used to...
821
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:14,080
You've got the financial sector
for corruption now.
822
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:18,760
You've got the right wing media
for vilifying the other.
823
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:20,920
The left wing media for moral puritanism.
824
00:50:22,360 --> 00:50:25,320
Online streaming services
for terrible stories
825
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:28,080
about terrible people
doing terrible things to other people.
826
00:50:31,880 --> 00:50:33,400
And the dark web for its...
827
00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:40,800
My friend, he lost his faith
828
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:43,480
watching people singing.
829
00:50:43,560 --> 00:50:45,400
So I want to sing a song...
830
00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:49,320
Uh, with you, if that's all right.
831
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:51,600
Yeah? Don't worry, there are no words.
832
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:54,480
I mean, there are words.
It's an old French folk song.
833
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:56,480
You might think you recognize the tune.
834
00:50:57,120 --> 00:50:58,120
But you don't.
835
00:51:01,440 --> 00:51:04,760
There are other songs that are based
on that original French folk song,
836
00:51:06,720 --> 00:51:10,680
but the original French folk song
is not under copyright law.
837
00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:20,480
So, instead of singing the words,
838
00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:23,520
'cause I can't be bothered
teaching you all French, um...
839
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:27,120
Let's take all those "oohs" from before,
840
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:31,400
all those O's and... I'll start
and then you all can join in.
841
00:51:31,520 --> 00:51:33,480
We'll go "ooh" all together, okay?
842
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:42,960
-You got it?
843
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:44,080
Okay, excellent.
844
00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:46,320
Everyone, all together. Please. Thank you.
845
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:47,920
Otherwise they won't let me film this.
846
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:11,160
One more time.
847
00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:34,240
Give yourselves a round of applause.
848
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:42,240
That was beautiful.
849
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:44,520
And in return, I will tell you a secret.
850
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:50,440
I did not just say no to Toby
when he asked me out, out of surprise.
851
00:52:51,240 --> 00:52:55,400
I said no because he was perfect.
852
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:58,280
He was perfect, right?
853
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:01,240
And the best relationship you ever have
854
00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:04,440
is the one you never have.
855
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:06,440
Right?
856
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:09,920
'Cause only the unfinished
can contain the infinite, right?
857
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:12,040
Only the thing that you don't actually...
858
00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:14,360
Anything, however good it is,
is what it is.
859
00:53:14,440 --> 00:53:16,120
Right? It's only if you...
860
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:19,400
If you leave it in the infinite realms
of the unfinished of potential
861
00:53:19,480 --> 00:53:22,680
that it can be anything.
862
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:27,040
Here's another true story about love.
863
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,840
I used to live in Cambridge, in England.
864
00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:31,920
It's a beautiful city.
People wanna come visit,
865
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,920
and when they wanna come visit,
they wanna stay with you.
866
00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:39,560
I lived in shitty student digs,
and my friend Monty came to visit.
867
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:42,960
He came to visit,
and he, he slept on my bed,
868
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,240
he was a very big man,
and I slept on the floor.
869
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:50,000
And he slept on my bed for one night,
and then he said,
870
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:52,840
"Alice, your pillow is shit.
871
00:53:55,240 --> 00:53:57,600
"Your pillow is bullshit."
872
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:01,480
And it was true.
873
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:04,840
I had one of those shitty student pillows
that was like half rolled-up socks
874
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:06,480
half human fists.
875
00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:12,400
Brown tidal marks made out of
head sweat and regret tears.
876
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:19,360
He said, "Your pillow is bullshit."
And I got defensive about my bullshit...
877
00:54:19,440 --> 00:54:22,040
I was like, "It's fine, it's fine,
it's mine, it's fine."
878
00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:24,920
My friend Monty went out.
879
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:28,040
He went out to
the local fancy supermarket,
880
00:54:28,120 --> 00:54:32,960
and he spent £60, 60 British pounds,
881
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:34,440
on a pillow.
882
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:37,680
He bought a £60 pillow,
and he brought it home
883
00:54:37,800 --> 00:54:39,880
and he slept on it for two nights
and he left.
884
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:43,080
And he left me the pillow.
885
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:45,360
He was a lawyer.
886
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:52,800
He left me the pillow, so every night,
every night, when I went to sleep,
887
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:55,920
for the rest of my time there,
months and months and months and months,
888
00:54:56,040 --> 00:54:59,120
every night when I went to sleep,
I thought,
889
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:01,800
"Oh, Monty."
890
00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:07,560
He had no idea
that he left that in my life.
891
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:10,600
He'd be super creeped out if he knew.
892
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,560
That's the thing though. You don't know
what you leave in people's lives.
893
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:18,400
You don't know.
You don't know what incredible...
894
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:20,160
I don't know what you're gonna
walk away with from this show.
895
00:55:20,240 --> 00:55:21,840
I don't know what
you're gonna take with you.
896
00:55:21,920 --> 00:55:23,920
Whether it's gonna be to call your mum.
897
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:25,560
Whether it's gonna be the butthole thing.
898
00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:32,600
Whether it's gonna be
that teeth are really weird.
899
00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:34,560
They are.
900
00:55:35,320 --> 00:55:37,040
Teeth are really weird. Really.
901
00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:38,680
Little disposable mouth bones.
902
00:55:38,760 --> 00:55:41,400
When you brush them, you're polishing
the only exposed part of your skeleton.
903
00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:42,560
Don't...
904
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:46,280
Don't think about it,
905
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:50,080
on a date.
906
00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:01,400
I don't know what you're gonna
take away with you.
907
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,040
But I do want to say something, right?
908
00:56:04,120 --> 00:56:05,480
Which is that
909
00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:09,240
when I say you're pushing two things
that don't fit together
910
00:56:09,320 --> 00:56:10,760
that's what faith, isn't it?
911
00:56:10,840 --> 00:56:13,640
It's something that feels like
there's nothing there.
912
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:15,440
Hmm?
913
00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:20,280
I am not saying that the thing
that isn't there
914
00:56:20,720 --> 00:56:22,080
is not important.
915
00:56:24,720 --> 00:56:28,200
'Cause there's plenty of things
that aren't there that are important.
916
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,920
Those three days
before the very first trial of this show,
917
00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:34,800
when I bumped into Dick,
918
00:56:37,680 --> 00:56:38,720
I had nothing.
919
00:56:40,120 --> 00:56:41,560
I walked away from him
920
00:56:43,240 --> 00:56:44,920
and I was so angry,
921
00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:48,000
so angry, and I couldn't
push him down the stairs,
922
00:56:49,440 --> 00:56:52,480
and I went and I sat
in the palliative care ward
923
00:56:52,560 --> 00:56:54,600
with Dr. Butt playing in the background,
924
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:58,600
and an unlimited supply
of wet paper towels,
925
00:57:01,440 --> 00:57:03,000
and I wrote this show.
926
00:57:03,720 --> 00:57:05,520
I wrote this. This is what I wrote.
927
00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:08,520
And I performed it three days later.
928
00:57:08,600 --> 00:57:11,280
And I wrote... I had this final paragraph
in the show,
929
00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:14,320
um, and it's not in the show anymore.
930
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,760
Um, I had to change it.
It's not in the show anymore,
931
00:57:17,880 --> 00:57:19,720
but I'm gonna read it out to you.
932
00:57:23,720 --> 00:57:25,240
'Cause it's not there, but it is...
933
00:57:28,720 --> 00:57:29,960
It is important.
934
00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:32,440
This is the original ending.
935
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,360
This is what I said
at the end of that show.
936
00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:38,640
"So the thing that you notice
when somebody is dying
937
00:57:38,720 --> 00:57:41,120
"is that you say you love them a lot.
938
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:42,680
"Like, a lot.
939
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:46,440
"Sort of compulsively.
940
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:48,440
"And I don't know why.
941
00:57:48,520 --> 00:57:50,880
"It's not like I'm trying to convince her.
942
00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:54,400
"I know she knows I love her.
943
00:57:54,480 --> 00:57:57,400
"Of course she knows.
I'm just saying it again and again.
944
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,240
"I love you, I love you, I love you.
945
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:02,120
"I'm so proud of you.
946
00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:07,800
"And I realize that it's not because
I'm trying to convince her,
947
00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:10,840
"or myself, or anyone.
948
00:58:12,360 --> 00:58:14,280
"It's because I know that, at some point,
949
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:18,400
"I'm going to stop being able
to say it to her
950
00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:20,600
"and have her hear it.
951
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:25,560
"And I'm trying to pack in
a lifetime's worth,
952
00:58:26,400 --> 00:58:27,800
"and it will never be enough.
953
00:58:29,880 --> 00:58:31,560
"Once things are over,
954
00:58:32,560 --> 00:58:34,400
"they are over."
955
00:58:37,040 --> 00:58:40,360
And that was the thing
that I wrote for the show.
956
00:58:41,120 --> 00:58:42,840
It's not in the show anymore.
957
00:58:45,960 --> 00:58:47,880
But it is important
'cause I did that show,
958
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:55,400
uh, three days after I bumped into Dick
and 14 days after that, my mum died.
959
00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:58,880
And I had to
960
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:03,640
change the show.
I had to rewrite the show.
961
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:05,640
And I wrote it, I changed it.
962
00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:10,120
I changed all of it in little ways,
963
00:59:10,200 --> 00:59:14,480
and then I came and I realized
I couldn't change that paragraph.
964
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,520
Because when I read that,
965
00:59:21,320 --> 00:59:23,320
I remember what it felt like to write it.
966
00:59:25,040 --> 00:59:26,800
I remember what it felt like
967
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,960
writing it knowing that she was dying,
but that she was still alive.
968
00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:31,880
And I...
969
00:59:33,160 --> 00:59:36,680
I believe that it's important
to remember that feeling,
970
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:40,480
so I can't...
971
00:59:41,920 --> 00:59:44,560
I can't change that paragraph.
972
00:59:47,720 --> 00:59:51,600
Uh, and what that means is
I can't finish the show.
973
00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:54,520
Sorry.
974
00:59:57,120 --> 00:59:58,680
I'm sorry, I wish I could've
given you more than that.
975
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:02,320
I wish I could've given you a warm pillow
to sleep with at night,
976
01:00:02,400 --> 01:00:04,160
or some transcendence,
977
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:07,440
or something amazing or beautiful,
978
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:09,960
or better than advice about buttholes.
979
01:00:12,920 --> 01:00:14,840
But I can't. I won't.
980
01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:17,400
I won't because...
981
01:00:21,600 --> 01:00:22,440
I would...
982
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,320
I wish I could give my mum anything
983
01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:31,960
anymore, and I can't.
984
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:36,960
I wish I could give her everything,
985
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:40,080
and I can.
986
01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:44,080
Because only the unfinished
can contain the infinite.
987
01:00:48,680 --> 01:00:51,800
So what I will do,
if you're all right with it,
988
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:56,000
is instead of finishing the show,
I will play the last clip of my mum
989
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:57,880
and I talking,
990
01:00:58,960 --> 01:01:03,040
and then I will give you
seven seconds of silence.
991
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:08,880
And then it will be the end of the show.
992
01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:14,000
And then we can all walk out
and sing something silly and fun together.
993
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:16,680
Um, forget this ever happened.
994
01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:20,960
I don't know, tweet about it or something.
995
01:01:22,880 --> 01:01:24,000
Is that okay with you?
996
01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:26,480
Thank you.
997
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:29,480
Thank you.
998
01:01:30,640 --> 01:01:32,480
Thank you so much for coming.
999
01:01:54,520 --> 01:01:55,520
No.
1000
01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:30,800
Mmm.
83025
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