All language subtitles for 222222223_English

DANNY: I grew up in
Staten Island, New York.

It might not sound
like it, but I did.

For those of you
who don't know,

Staten Island
is like Brooklyn
and New Jersey had a baby.

A baby that would
grow up to be either
a cop or a fireman.

And you know,
Staten Island
gets a bad rap,

but, really,
it's just like
any other suburb.

I mean, sure,
it looks like this.

And this.

But what most people
don't realize

is that Staten Island
also looks like this.

And this.

And for me,

every single summer

since I was old enough
to remember looked like this.

The Great Kills Swim Club.

This is where I spent
every waking hour
of my summers.

From 8:00 a.m. swim practice
until they threw us
out at night,

this is where
I found friendship.

This is where
I tasted victory and defeat.

Where I fell in love.

And it's where
I had the best job
in the history of the world.

I was a lifeguard.

Now, there are
beach lifeguards who
actually guard lives.

Wendell, I told you
to get out.

DANNY: And then
there are pool guards...

Make me.

DANNY: ...who
basically do this.

The only reason
I became a lifeguard
is because of this idiot.

FRANK: Danny.

DANNY: My best friend
in the whole world,
Frank Gomes.

Frank said that
girls couldn't resist
a man in uniform

and that we'd be, quote...
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Don't drown.

DANNY:
"...knee-deep in snizz."

But the only thing
Frank was knee-deep in
was the baby pool.

Hey, what you
got there?

SPF 50? No wonder
you two look so young.

You know,
if we hooked up,

I'd have to
turn myself in
for statutory rape.

Statutory rape's
the not-bad rape.

Hey. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
No leaving.

DANNY: I don't know
what it was,

but Staten Island girls
were never interested
in me and Frank.

Well, that went well.

DANNY: They were always
too busy fawning over
this kind of guy.

You know, I'm pretty sure
you guys are just
aiming too high.

DANNY: That's Anthony De Bono.

It's really funny, though.
You should keep doing it.

DANNY: I'm pretty sure
that Anthony was

sculpted right out of
a suburban mom's sex fantasy.

Hello, beautiful ladies.
How's everybody doing?

Candace, I love
the new suit.
That's very cute.

DANNY: Anthony was
joining the Navy.

If he could pass
the written exam,
which he could not.

Hope I don't
get you too wet.

DANNY: As far as I could tell,
being in the Navy was, like,

90% pushups
and 10% saying
"God bless America".

(ALL CLAPPING)
That's how they
do it in the Navy.

God bless America.

DANNY: That's Mary Ellen.

Stupid.
Ah! What the fuck?

DANNY: Her dad was a cop,
and she was basically
raised a dude.

Pee in my pool? Uh-uh.
Punks get dunked.

DANNY: And that guy?

The guy rolling in
an hour and a half
late to work?

That was Billy Thomson.
(VOMITS)

Better known as Skootch.

Skootch did this year round.

Summers at the swim club
and winters at the YMCA.

He was a lifeguard.
That's all he was.

He was Skootch.
BOY: Skootch!

DANNY: We were a team.

United together
against this one asshole.

Our manager, Chuck Casino.

Mr. Marcus, how are you?

They find your kid?

They will.

Mr. Stewart, my man.
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, here they go,
one, two, three musketeers.

(COUGHS)

(SIGHS)

DANNY: Chuck thought
he ran the place.

CHUCK: I am
the captain of this ship.

This is my Amistad.

DANNY: But no one runs summer.

It was paradise.

But hey, even
Adam and Eve couldn't
stay in heaven forever.

And right after Labor Day...

You're leaving us?

Ma, I told you,
he's going to Harvard.

MRS. BANDINI JR.:
And Anthony's
joining the Navy.

We're losing all
the cute lifeguards.

Not all the cute lifeguards.
I'll still be around, ladies.

You smell like beef.

We're proud of you, Danny.
Oh, you're a good kid.
Come here.

Come here.

Let me at him.
Let me at him.

Thanks, Mrs. Bandini.
Let me at him.

Mrs. Bandini Jr.

Oh! We're all huggy.

Ow!

Okay. See you guys.

Enjoy your game
of slowly dying.

Bye.
Fuck off.

Danny, if you had
half the game
with younger women

that you do
with older women,

you'd be laying it down.

I talk to women our age.

I'm sorry?
Women our age?

I don't know any
"women our age".
I know a bunch of girls.

See, that vocabulary
you have.

You're wearing
a giant sign that says,
"I'm a virgin."

As opposed to you?

Technically,
I had half of my tip
inside Megan O'Reilly

before her fucking cat
attacked me. Okay?

Do you understand
that you could get

any single girl
in this entire place?

But you don't. Why?

Well, I'm sorry
if I have higher
standards than you.

Really? Do you
want to have sex
on Christmas?

What are you, Hugh Grant?
You're just a guy.

You're just a...
CHUCK: Campbell!

Some kid puked in
the Lost and Found.

I want you to
wash all the clothes
and put them back in.

Translation,
"You're my bitch."

And Gomes!
Get your ass back
in the baby pool!

Now who's the bitch, bitch?

(IMITATES BATMAN)
It's definitely not me.
Bye, Bane.

DANNY: (IMITATES BANE)
Bye, Batman.

Victor, what are you doing?

Found this fucking frog.

Gonna shoot it
out of this
fucking leaf blower.

Jesus Christ.

No. No, no, no.
You guys, you cannot invite
a mom to a staff party.

Skootch, first of all,
is the keeper of the keys.

So, what do you
think, Skootch,

can Ms. Greeley
come to the party?

Mmm.

I'll allow it.
Yes, he will.

And you know,
the best part is, dude,

she had a kid,
like, a year ago, man.

She's still fucking stacked.
Oh, it's incredible.

You're abysmal.
Would Danny ever say
anything like that?

No, Danny would not say
something like that,
because he's Irish.

And Irish kids
develop later.

Okay? They don't think
about sex till they're,
like, 25.

Wow. That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

It's a biology fact,
Mary Ellen. Okay?
Read a fucking book.

"Biology fact..."

Okay, look. First there's
Hispanic guys, obviously.

Then the black guys.
Then the Italians.

Then the French.
And then the Irish, all right?

And then probably, like,
the Asians eventually.

Oh, my God.
When you join the Navy,

their collective IQ
is gonna drop,
like, 25 points.

Like, you're going
to sink our ships.

Hey, look.
If you're in love with me,

just say you're
in love with me.

Yeah.
You know.

Is that how you say
it in sign language?

Is it that?
No, that's "Fuck you."

Oh! That's "Fuck you."

Hey, scram, kids.
Beat it. It's adult swim

in the bathroom.

I'm the king of the castle.

(WHISTLING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Home sweet home.

My own executive bathroom.

(GRUNTING)

Dude. Ow. Truce?

Sorry, man.
Truce.

RACHEL: Wow.

You guys have
really matured this summer.

DANNY: Rachel
and Rebecca Rabinowitz.
Half Asian, half Jewish.

They were identical,
but somehow everyone agreed,

Rachel was the hot one.

FRANK: Oh! Rachel.

Rebecca.

How are you guys?
RACHEL: Good.

So, hey. Are you guys
going to the staff party
on Saturday?

Ooh. Staff party.

Uh, Danny's not,

'cause he's going to Orlando
to get his vagina enlarged,

but I will be there.

Oh! That's cute
they invite
the baby pool lifeguards.

Oh, it's cute
that you exist.

Why can't there just be
two of you, Rachel?

Why can't there
be zero Franks?

I do everything here, okay?
I'm not a baby pool lifeguard.

I'm a lifeguard
who happens to be
at the baby pool right now.

Cool.

Well, it's been great
hanging out with you guys.
See you later.

Bye, Danny.
Not bye, Frank.

Bye, Rachel. I love you.
Please die in a fire, Rebecca.

VICTOR: Chuck, you in here?

Chuck. Chuck.

Yo. Chuck.

Not now, Victor.
Go away, buddy.

Yeah. Okay, yeah.
But you know,

there's a hornets' nest
by the handball court.

This thing is insane, man.
It's like
a hornet Mexico City.

Talk to me about it in,
like, 20 minutes.
Not now!

Just... Victor, just
take care of the nest.
Get out of here.

God. Get your
face out of here.

Chuck, all right,
I'm on it, man.

Are you still there?
Yeah, I'm on it. Okay.

Thank you
for the opportunity.

(EXHALES)

Am I the only one
that's normal around here?

Look at that horse.
(CHUCKLES)

That one's brown as hell.

Oh, Danny.

Why can't you just
man up for once
in your life, okay?

This is the last
weekend of summer.

I am being a man.

You think this is
easy for me?

The only reason why I'm going
is because it means
a lot to my parents.

Okay, well,
the staff party
is this Saturday.

And you know what?
Danny, it means
a lot to me.

I have been laying track
with Rachel all summer.

And she's finally into me,
and I think I'm gonna S the D.

Suck the dick?

What? No.
Seal the deal.

Why don't you just say that?
Because it's
a shorter way...

It doesn't matter. Okay?

The staff party
is the culmination
of the entire summer.

It's basically
summer prom.

And you know what happens
at prom, Danny?

Girls S the D.

Seal the deal.
Suck the dick.

Are you not listening?

It's like a milestone
in their lives.

It's like
the moon landing.

But instead of a pole
going into the ground,

it's our dicks
going into them.

Ow!

God, man.
Whoa!

Harvard.

The party is
officially on.

Whew!

Danny's favorite chicken.

Okay.

Not only do we have access
to all four parks

plus Typhoon Lagoon,
so bring your suit,

but... Drum roll, please.

We got Fastpasses.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)

Nice.

Remember when you
used to stand up

and recite the entire
Jungle Cruise?

'Cause you had
the whole ride memorized.

MOM: And then
the hippo would come out,

and you, you'd put your arm
inside your shirt like
the hippo bit it off.

DANNY: Yeah.
(LAUGHING)

I was terrified one time.

I'm really excited.
It just kind of sucks

that I'm not gonna be here
for my last weekend
with Frank.

Mmm.

Well, you know,
I mean, Frank...

You two are
gonna keep in touch.
Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna make
new friends at Harvard.

You know. And who knows?
Maybe you're gonna
meet a couple of

cute ladies.
Oh!

Maybe not her, but...

It's just that
you and Frank...

Honey, you're just
on different paths.
You know?

And again, we love Frank.

Yeah, love him to death.

(WATER FLUSHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey.

Frank.

Sorry that took so long.
I got distracted on my phone.

I was playing a new game.

Oh, yeah?
What's that, Frank?
Oh!

It's like Whac-A-Mole,
but with penises
and glory holes.

And you just,
like, whack the penis

back into the glory hole,
so it doesn't...

Doesn't, you know...
I understand.

FRANK: How's the
Disney planning going?

Oh, my God.
Dude, do you
remember that one time

where you did
the entire Jungle Cruise

and everybody
laughed at you

because you looked
like a fucking moron?

All right, you,
I'm gonna go shut that door
and open a window.

Maybe knock down a wall.

I just hear the cat kind of
screaming a little bit.

(BLOWING TRUMPET)

FRANK: Guys, you gotta
check this out.

Look at all these
beautiful women that

Danny's gonna be
going to college with.

ANTHONY: Oh, what is that?
Dog and Elephant Quarterly?

DANNY: Why do you
even have that?
FRANK: Because I found it.

Look at this girl.
She's a butter everything.

She'd be hot
"but her everything".
(LAUGHING)

MARY ELLEN: Hey, Frank,
serious question.

Have you ever seen yourself,
like, in a mirror?

Because actually,
on a Frank scale,

that girl's, like,
a hundred Franks.

And on the Mary Ellen scale,
she's about half a Mary Ellen.

That's a compliment,
what you've just said.

Mine actually was
not a compliment to you.

What's the brochure like
for your parents' basement?

This isn't about me.

This is about Danny
banging someone decent

before he goes off
to Monsters University.

What I don't understand is,
why you need
a party to get laid.

Why don't you just
go out and just
bang something?

Yeah, you say that because
you hook up with moms.

Moms don't need
a party to have sex.

They need a glass
of shitty wine.

Hey, Anthony.

Hi.

Happy noon.

Oh, man.
Ladies, I brought lunch.

Doctors say you don't
get the benefits of wine
until the third glass.

No way.

I know. She's great,
isn't she?

SKOOTCH: No, no, not her.

Her.

DANNY: Until that moment,

I had been perfectly
content to leave
Staten Island forever.

But just when
I thought I was out,
it pulled me back in.

(CLASSIC ROCK PLAYING)

Krystal Manicucci.

She was the undisputed
Queen of Staten Island.

And she was
the most beautiful woman
I'd ever seen in my life.

What?

Don't do that.
You're giving me
the heebie-jeebies.

When you stare like that,
you look like a serial killer.

Bro, you got to
forget about Krystal.
All right?

Why? So you can
get with her?

No, even I'm not
that stupid. All right?
Her dad's Leo Manicucci.

Like on the side of
all those heating oil trucks?

So?

So, the dude's
old school Mafia.

Okay. You guys know
my buddy Tim?

Well, his friend
Dave asked her

to the sophomore-junior
semiformal. All right?

No big deal, you'd think.

Well, he found out,
went to the dude's house,

ripped out his mailbox
and fucking beat him
half to death with it

in front of his
whole family.

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
Yes.

That's the most
ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.

Shut up.
Then don't believe me.
All right?

Oh, I won't.
It's your fucking funeral.

(HORNETS BUZZING)

Man, that thing
is messed up.

There's probably, like,
a thousand hornets in there.

Now go spray it.
No way. You go.

All right, fine.
But don't move.

Okay, that's not
going to work.

I think we need
to take this to
the next level.

Yeah, damn right we do.

Yo.

Hairy Melon.

Wassup? Uh, question.

If I got to transport,
like, 144 passengers

and I have,
like, a 36-seat van,

how many trips is
that gonna take?
Probably, like 11.

I think it's more like four.

Yeah. No, no, like,
those weren't the numbers,

the exact numbers
that I...
Okay.

I was using
a couple of different
groups of numbers. So...

If you want,
I could help you study.

Like, I used to
do SAT prep.

Yeah, okay. Well,
SATs are for pussies.

And...
Okay.

I got my own system.
It's gonna be fine.
And I do not need your help.

So don't you worry
your pretty little head.

Yo. Bullshit.

There's no color
called indigo.

Yeah, there is.
It's in the rainbow.
You know, Roy G. Biv?

A guy named Roy G. Biv
invented the rainbow?

How do you
invent the rainbow?

I think it's like,
if you're really gay

and it rains...

* Wine-o

* It's coming from the sky-o

Coming from the sky.

It's wine-ado.

Anthony.
Hi, Ms. Greeley.

Hi, Anthony.

I was wondering
if you could assist me.

It would be my pleasure.
Let me see that.

Ms. Greeley, I am worried

maybe you've had,
like, a little too much
to drink forever.

We're breaking a lot of rules.

We have lifeguards drinking.
There's glass by the pool.

Oh, my God.
What are you,
the wine police?

Yeah.
What are you going
to do, arrest me?

Boo!
Aah!

Anthony.

Would you say
you have a big dick?

Hmm?

Wow.

Well, well, well.
(SPITS)

My old buddy, Skootch.
What's up, pal?

Working on
the CPR dummy?
(GROANS)

It's not perfect form
and the stomach's on fire, but

just watch out for that.

So, you got any
big plans this weekend?

(GROANING)

No?

That's funny,
because last weekend
of summer,

I remember
when we were lifeguards,

before I was promoted
to manager over you,

we used to always
have a staff party.

I was, of course,
never invited,

but also chose
independently not to go.

So, no party
this year, though?

I hope not.

If you are having a party
and I catch you,

I will finally
have the excuse I need
to fire your fat ass.

And I'll be
locking up from now on.

See these guys?
These are Chuck's now.

I find out you're
having a party...

(COUGHING)

(MUFFLED WHISTLE SOUND)

Danny, you're
scaring the children.

She's perfect.

Oh, my God. She was saying
the same thing about you,

in your dreams,
when you were
jerking off to her.

Remember? You made
a little mess on your tum-tum?

DANNY: I should explain.
Krystal and I had a history.

She used to babysit me
when I was in third grade.

YOUNG KRYSTAL: You were
amazing tonight, Danny.

So well-behaved.

DANNY: After she left,
I did what any
third grader would do.

I pretended
my stuffed lion was
Krystal Manicucci.

And I stroked its cheek.

And I kissed it
oh so tenderly.

Over the years,
our relationship matured.

More grape juice?

I'm really
starting to feel it.

DANNY: And eventually
things intensified.

It was true love.

(MUFFLED WHISTLE SOUND)

FRANK: Look at them.

They're like tiny,
sexy Jeremy Lins,

bouncing that ass
like a basketball.

Right, let's do this.
I get Rachel and
you get Rebecca.

Why do I get Rebecca?

Who cares? They're twins.

All right,
you take Rebecca.

Rebecca's disgusting.

Hey, Rachel.

Gremlin.

We were just admiring
your dope-ass skills.

Maybe we could
play some doubles.

"Doubles?"
Have you ever
played basketball, Frank?

Yeah, I've played
basketball, Rebecca. Okay?

Rachel, you'll be with me,

and Rebecca will
pair up with that
overflowing trash can.

It's a little more
your speed.

REBECCA: Well, I would take
the trash can over you,

based on look and smell.
Great.

Oh, what you got?

Oh, fuck.
It's an actual biker.

That guys looks like
he has a tattoo of Satan
on his 12-inch dick.

LEO: I catch her
with that asshole,
I'll kill them both.

LEO: What the fuck?
(ALL EXCLAIM)

Holy shit!

LEO: Son of a bitch!

RACHEL: Danny.
Run, run, run.

Hey, kid!
Did you just hit me
with that basketball?

I swear, it was an accident.
I promise.

Accident, my ass!
The basket's over there!

I'm sorry.
You're sorry?

What's your name?
Danny Campbell.

53 Highland Lane.

In the future, you be
a little more careful.
All right?

And your fat
little friend's a rat.

You know, a rat is actually
one of the smartest
creatures on earth.

So I'm pretty sure
he was paying me a compliment.

Yeah? And what about
when he called you fat?

Uh, I'm pretty sure
he called me "flat",

as in flat-chested,
which I am.

KRYSTAL: Hey, Danny.

Oh, shit.

You are Danny Campbell,
right?

Dr. Campbell's son?

I'm Krystal.

Manicucci.

I used to babysit you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.
Sorry. Of course. Krystal.

Yeah, I think
I remember you.

I've had a lot
of babysitters, but yeah.

I'm Frank Gomes. I'm, uh...

Fresh pepper?

Fresh pepper?

You two enjoy...
Have a good...

Enjoy the meal
that you have.

Uh...
Yeah, I don't
really know him.

(SIGHS)

So, were you
leaving right now?

I could be.

Or I could stay.

I don't really...
I'm flexible, I guess.

Well, if you were
leaving right now,

I was going to ask
if I could get a ride home.

My dad was
supposed to take me,

but he had to take
care of something.

Oh. Yeah. For sure.

I totally could
give you a ride home.

Um, definitely.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

So, you're going
to Harvard.

Yep, going up to Boston.

Killer wheels,
by the way.

Yeah, it goes
zero to 60 in never.

This is you?

Yeah, this is me.

Hold on.

(SIGHS)

Wow, you have
a really great house.

(CHUCKLES)
Are you kidding me?

It's horrible.

My mom decided
she was going to
start redecorating.

Everything is marble.

Oh, yeah.
And there's a painting
of Frank Sinatra on the cross

like he's Jesus.

That's a really
complicated image.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, well, I'm saving up
so I can move out.

And my dad is like,
a legit psychopath.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, thank you.
For the ride.

Yeah.

It was slightly
faster than walking.

(CHUCKLES) That's the name
of my rickshaw company.

"Slightly Faster
Than Walking."

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, hey, maybe I'll
see you at the pool
this weekend.

You know, if you're around.

Uh, yeah. Totally.
I'll be there.

Not going anywhere.

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

DAD: And that's why
it's called
"The No Spin Zone".

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

He doesn't
put up with it.
Mmm-mmm.

So, are you all packed?

Like, the car's
getting full.

Hey, you know
who I actually saw
earlier today?

Krystal Manicucci.

Remember, she used
to babysit me?

Oh, God. How could we forget?
That girl was crazy.

Thirteen years old
and she already had a tattoo.

DAD: How do you decide
on a tattoo when you're 13?

I mean, if I got
a tattoo when I was 13,
it would be

a tramp stamp of
Popeye right next
to a Chinese symbol

for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

I'm joking.

MOM: Remember the time
she arrived with some guy...

He's older,
and he was stoned on heroin.

Or smack.
Was it smack?

That's the street
name for it, yeah.

And they both came
riding up on a motorcycle.

What's so bad
about a motorcycle?

You want to
ride a motorcycle?

Do you know how
many of my patients
have broken bones

from motorcycle accidents?

How many of them
are in wheelchairs right now?

I don't know. How many?

Several.

Very many.
Mmm-hmm.

Well, if Krystal was so crazy,
why'd you let her babysit me?

(EXCLAIMS)

Because her father's
a psychopath.

You know that they're

Mafia.
Mafia.

MOM: We were afraid if we
didn't hire his daughter,

we were gonna wind up
buried in a landfill

next to Dustin Hoffman.

Well, Jimmy Hoffa.

Well, then who's
the baseball player?

I don't think

anyone.

Anyways, um,

Krystal actually invited me
to a party this weekend.

In Orlando?

(LAUGHING)
Because you're in Disney
with us this weekend, right?

Look, I'm not
saying I'm going.

I'm just saying
I was invited.

Well...

Maybe you can ride there
on a motorcycle.

Hey, maybe I'll
see you at the pool
this weekend.

Yes! Bump! Yes!

Danny, I'm so happy
you are staying.

This is going to be
the best last weekend ever.

No one can touch us.
We're never gonna die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, hold on, hold on,

for, like, two seconds here.

Danny.

Krystal Manicucci
brought you back

to her house and
you didn't bang that?

(SCOFFS) This is the shit
I'm talking about.

Fucking Irish guys, man.

MARY ELLEN: Okay.
Can we focus on the party?

Or, like, anything
that will keep
you from talking?

Anything. Truly.

Okay, counterpoint.
Chuck said that

he would fire us
if we threw a party.

Also, Chuck took my keys.

Also, one of his balls
popped out of his Speedo,

and he tried to
tuck it back in
like nothing happened.

Bullshit.
SKOOTCH: Not bullshit.

I saw the freaking thing.
It looked like a peach pit.

FRANK: I'm not doubting
that, Skootch.

Bullshit about getting fired.
We are having a party.

Oh, got it.

I'm in.
Yeah, I'm totally in.

Okay, well, yeah,
I'm obviously in, too. So...

Mary Ellen?

CHUCK OVER PA:
Attention, everyone.

Could one of the lifeguards
report to the pool deck,

where you're paid
to be lifeguards?

TTYO, guys. Thanks a lot.
Hope the summer's
kicking butt.

Well, you heard the man.

Let's get to work.
Yeah.

(WHISTLES)

Whoo!

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

FRANK: Oh, God!

All right.
Now, the first thing
that we need is alcohol.

Lots of it.

I would buy it,
but I make, like,
$300 a year.

And I spend,
like, $400 on weed, so...

I got this.
All right?

Everybody just
owe me 50 bucks.

I'll pick up
everything we need.

MARY ELLEN: No, I'm not
giving you 50 bucks.

Where are you
getting alcohol?

Relax. I can get us a deal.
I know a guy.

You know a guy? Who are you,
fucking Pablo Escobar?

No run...
Or do.
I don't care.

People are
gonna be hungry, too,

so we should
definitely get snacks.

Snacks, huh? Hey, Frank,
how's that diet going, huh?

Diet's going great.
I ate kale out of your
mom's pussy last night.

DANNY: Guys, we're
a team. Right?

Frank and I will handle
the snacks and mixers.

Go.
ANTHONY: Yeah, right,
whatever. Just make sure

you get a little prosciut'
and some mozzarel'.

Wait. A little what?

I'm so sorry, did you mean
prosciutto and mozzarella?

I say it the authentic
Italian way, okay?

Oh, okay. So when you go
to a Mexican restaurant,
do you ask for

"Give me a burrit' and
a little guacamol'."

No, you don't do that.
You're an idiot.

You have no respect
for my culture.

More importantly,
how are we supposed to
get in without a key?

I'll tell you how.

What? We're not
sharing a secret. Go.

Because Chuck wears a Speedo,
he always leaves his keys
in the office.

But

he doesn't get
out of the office
for more than 20 minutes.

Which is how long it takes
to make a full sweep
of the premises.

Except for one time.

Every day,
at exactly 3:25 p.m...
(WRISTWATCH BEEPING)

Toilet,
I apologize in advance.

...when Chuck moves
his perfectly
regulated bowels.

When Chuck goes
to the bathroom,

Chuck stays in the bathroom.

And we make a copy
of the key.

(CHUCKLES)

Wow.

That thing is awesome.

Home Depot.

Let's take this honey
for a test drive.

(RATTLING)

What's that, hornets? Huh?

What did you say?

Oh... (BUZZES MOCKINGLY)

Yeah.
You know what that means?

Wrong answer, bitch. Die! Die!

Die!

Die, all of you!

I think the flame
should be bigger.

Yeah, I was going to
say the same thing.

Oh, and you should get
some condoms, too.

You should get condoms.

I already have condoms.
I always have condoms.

Why? You've never had sex.

Having 12% of your dick
inside Megan O'Reilly

is suddenly not having sex?

I've had sex.

Just get condoms.
What, are you embarrassed?

Okay, one box
of the blue condoms.

One box?
That's all you're getting?

Yeah, one box. Why?

Stuff happens, man.
They rip, they break.

Sometimes you lose your boner.

Sometimes you
put two on at once

and the friction makes it hot
and you have to tear 'em off.

Just get three boxes.

Okay, three boxes.

You're only
getting the blue ones?

Yes. Why? You get Magnums?

No, but she thinks
I use them.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

Okay. I buy Magnums
and I buy regular ones.

I open up the Magnum package,

take out the condom,
put in a regular size condom

and reseal it.

Are you psychotic?

No. I'm a genius, Danny.

I have a very average dick.
I'm rolling six deep, maybe.
It's not big.

But the second that girl
sees a golden ticket,

she's gonna be like, "Whoa,
this guy has a baseball bat."

And it doesn't
even matter,

because everything feels
the same in the dark.

So three boxes
of Magnums, please.

No, I don't want those.

I'm not getting those.
No, no, no.

* You got a bigger dick
A big fake dick

* You think it's a fake dick
But it's a real fake dick

Chorus.

* Big dick
Big, big, big fake dick *

Oh, please,
don't let me interrupt.

You guys have fun tonight.

Cool.
You're such an asshole.

Can we also get this?

That's the thing.
Leo Manicucci
isn't some, like,

crazy, messed-up
mass murderer.

It will be in and out,
execution style.

Probably in
front of your family,
which is fucked up,

but, you know, he has
to do it, he has
to send a message.

Don't sleep with his daughter,
or talk to her,

or ever, you know,
have anything to do with her.

And to be honest,
not a lot of people

get to meet the person
who eventually kills them.

That's a unique
experience, Danny.
You should take that to heart.

You look like an idiot
right now.

No, I don't.
I look like a genius,

because we're going to
have watermelon vodka.

And that's a thing that
only rich people have.

You cut a hole in the top
of the watermelon,

you put vodka in it,
and then you have...

Shit.

You dropped
your watermelon.

Yep, we'll leave it.
We don't need it.

For the homies.

Well, hello, gorgeous.

Oh, shit.

"Oh, shit" is right.

(SIGHS)

A beautiful woman
on a beautiful day.

Hey, look out up there.

You almost hit me
with this angel,
you idiot.

Mmm.

I'll fucking kill you.

Got any weekend plans?

You know what?
I just don't date

you.

Well, if and when
you do change your mind,

I know this
topless-optional
Ethiopian joint.

(SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER)
Let me know.

In the meantime,
I'll be at the snack bar,
as per ushe.

Come on by, say hi.

Very good.

Go around.

And keep going.

(GROANS)

(WRISTWATCH BEEPING)

Do it.

(HUMMING)

(CREAKS AND SLAMS LOUDLY)

(SIGHS)

(RESUMES HUMMING)

Well, well, well.

What is new in
the world of horses?

Catch me up.
I did not know that
about horses. Okay.

Hey! What the...

What are you doing? No!

Get back here.

Damn it.

(LAUGHING) Loser.

Ooh.
Somebody help me.
I'm a naked man.

I mean, "Somebody help me."
Only that part.

Hey, cover me.

I won't let you down.

Ha-ha.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

We're clear.

ANTHONY: Yo, Campbell.

We got a special delivery.
All right. I need your help.

Frank, I need you to cover me
in the big pool. Is that cool?

The big pool?
Yeah.

Or I could just
have Danny do it.

No, I'm good.

Got the big pool,
up on top. Lockdown.

Good. My man,
let's do it. Come on.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

What is this?

It's my boy,
Greg DiStefano, man.

Buying alcohol
from a cop?

Hey, don't worry.

All right,
all right, all right.

You're under
arrest for being gay.

No, I'm fucking with you.
That's legal now.

Wassup, you bitch?
Wassup, man.

How you doing, man?
Easy. Hey. Gun. Respect.

Sorry.
Fucking with you again.

Who's this guy?

Uh, this is my buddy, Danny.
He's totally cool.

He's my friend.

I feel like
these guys are...

Like the gay
versions of us?

Fuck, man. So what's up?
We got a party?

You want liquor, I know.
I got to ask.

Everyone who's drinking,
they 21?

Right?

Wink. I'm fucking with you.
Always fucking with you.

Never forget it.
All right, come on.

Hey. By the way,

I got something else for you,
if you're interested.

ANTHONY: All right.

Got a couple of fireworks.

Holy shit!
Welcome to China!

(HUMMING)

Fireworks.
Get in there,
whatever you want.

However, beforehand...

Yeah?
...can we stop by?

You mind if we
kind of roll up?

Stop by where?
Yeah, it'll be
fun to come.

To the party.
To the party.

This is my boy Wankel,
by the way.

What's going on?
Wankel, Officer.
Oh, hey.

No, I don't
fucking hug.
I'm sorry.

Uh, I don't know if you guys
want to come to this party.

We'll come.
It's a party, right?
With girls and shit?

There's girls, yeah.
We would be very
interested in coming.

Um, then, yeah.
A firm yes.

That's what I'm talking about.
See you Saturday. All right?

Now unload the trunk.
Let's go. Hurry up.

The city's paying
for this. Come on.

All right,
let's get the booze first.

These guys can't
even pick up the keg.

What are they,
fucking firemen, bro?

Hey, leave the syrah.
The syrah stays.
Don't fucking take the syrah.

We didn't say you
could take the syrah.

Fucking genius
over here.

God forbid.

You're okay.
It's just a bigger baby pool

with bigger babies.

Oh, shit.

Just keep it together, Frank.

With great power comes...
Hey, Frank.

Hey.
You're on
big pool now, I see.

Yeah.

You know, I've actually been
on the big pool for a while.

You haven't seen me?
That's crazy.

My nickname's "Big Pool".
(LAUGHS)

Yeah. Um, hey.
So, can I ask you
a question?

Shoot.

Do you know where we could
get some pot for Saturday?

Pot. I got pot.
I can get you pot. Yeah.

So you have someone?
Yeah.

I totally have someone
and you're gonna get your pot.

Awesome. Thank you
so much, Frank.

Ah, you're so welcome.

(GRUNTS) Thank you
for that sweet, sweet ass.

Damn.

Where the fuck am
I gonna find pot?

Psst.

Mr. Stewart?

Psst.
I'm naked.

Help me out, man.
I'm trapped.

Come on, man,
I'm naked in here.

Help me out.
Give me your pants.

Come on, my man. My man.

Come on.
I demand my dignity.

I'm a human being.

God... God damn it.

(SCREAMS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoo-hoo! That was fun.

Yeah, Skootch.

(CREAKS)

Hello?

The turd is
off the toilet.

I repeat, the turd
is off the toilet.

We'll need more time.

Got it.

(WHISTLES)

No, no, no, no.
Wait. No, no. God.

It's dissolving. No.

(KIDS GIGGLING)

CHUCK: God.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Man, I love this car.

I got it for the bench seats.
Perfect for blowjobs. Just...

(MAKES BEEPING NOISES)

Are you done?
Blowjibby. Blowjibby.

I'm sorry.
We got to go.
Yeah.

(HONKS)
(SCREECHES)

Hello there, beautiful.

Get the hell out of here.

Come on.
I just want some
free chicken fingers.

Why you got to be
so cheap, Dolores?

Cheap? I'm cheap?

I'll give you
something for free.

Screw you and screw
all your jerkoff
lifeguard friends.

I'd rather take all my food
and put it in the trash
and burn it,

rather than give it
to you pricks. Okay?

ANTHONY: All right.
You know what, that's fine.

That's fine.
Because you just lost

this stud's business.
Congratulations.

Business implies
you have money,
you delusional piece of shit.

Fuck.
(CLATTERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING
OVER EARPHONES)

Hmm.

Damn.

(MUSIC GROWS LOUDER)

Bounce it.

Bounce it. Bounce it.

Bounce that butt.

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey. He's drowning.
The kid is drowning.

Oh. Okay. Oh, shit.

He's out there.

Okay. I'm coming.
Okay, okay, I got this.

Go in!
Okay.

(CLAMORING)
(WHISTLES)

Get in there!
Who cares about the whistle?

Go. Go to him.

FRANK: Save in progress!
(COUGHING)

Oh, he's gonna die.

DANNY: Frank.
(COUGHS)

WOMAN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Come here, buddy.
WOMAN: He's gonna die.

That precious child,
get him.

Oh, God.

Save!

Save in progress!

Come here, baby.

That's a save! It's a save!

Save in progress!

My sweet choking boy. Come on.

Oh, God, you're gorgeous.
Get out of the water.
You're so beautiful.

(GRUNTING)

Your lungs work?
You're all right?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
That's a kid boner.

No, no, no.
It's not a kid boner.

I know a kid boner
when I see a kid boner,
you freak.

Creep.
(GROANS)

CHUCK: What is going on here?

(SHUTTER CLICKS)
What the hell
is going on here?

He's got a boner.
A what?

I have a boner, that's true.
But it's about Rachel.

Frank, that's disgusting.

And you!

I'm the manager.
Put some clothes on.

What's wrong
with you, perv?

Frank, I literally left you
alone in the big pool
for 10 minutes.

How'd you fuck that up?
(SCOFFS)

Rachel saw the whole thing.
It's over.

No, come on, man.
It's not over.

MARY ELLEN:
Hey, you know what?

There's always
someone else out there,
you know.

Like, what about this guy?

FRANK: Fuck off.

SKOOTCH: Relax, man.
You didn't blow it
with Rachel. Okay?

You just have to do something
to impress her.
Just win her back.

She asked me
to buy her weed.

Dude, you're set.

Just find an ice cream
truck. I mean,
all those guys sell weed.

Literally,
they all sell weed.
Yeah, they all sell weed.

You think they make
enough money to live

off of Choco Tacos
and Ninja Turtle pops?

All right, guys.
Regardless of Frank

ruining a kid's life,
I got the keys.

Yeah, and Danny,
we got them booze.

Yeah, and everyone I know,

man, woman, child,
homeless man in ski goggles,

they're all
coming to the party.

(CREAKING)

Now, we can do this
the easy way

or we can do this
the hard way.

I saw a little hand
reach under my stall.
It was a child's hand.

I don't think
it was his.

Who do we got here?
Which one of you
is Brian Barr?

Hi, Brian Barr.

Huh? Oh!

Okay, let me
follow the little fingy

straight to Wendell.

What the hell,
you rat.

Why, you son of
a Wendell's mother.

Why'd you do it, huh?

I'm not telling.

He was just trying to
help the lifeguards.

They're having
a party on Saturday.

You guys are the worst.

Party on Saturday, huh?

Interesting.

(DIALING TELEPHONE)

Operator,
get me the President.

Of the Department of Health.

For Staten Island.

(INDISTINCT SPEAKING
BY OPERATOR)

The Departamente

de Health

Isle de Staten.

(THANKS IN SPANISH)

(BICYCLE CHAIN WHIRRING)

Can I help you?
Oh, my God.

Get.

BIANCA: Where is he?

Where?

Danny Campbell.

(CHUCKLES)
(EXCLAIMING)

(KISSES LOUDLY)

Mrs. Manicucci.

Please. Bianca.
(CHUCKLES)

Ah.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Look at you.
My God.

You kids are growing up
so fast today.

You have to
stay for dinner.

Oh, I would,
but...

You're staying.

(CLATTERING)

CHUCK:
You're a smart man, Chuck.

(GROANS)

(MUTTERING)

Chuck, one.
Lifeguards, lose.

(LAUGHING)

That was

awkward.

So,

what was so important
that you came to my house?

Oh, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, there was just this...

There's this staff party
that we're having.

It's gonna be this big,
huge party and

I thought that,
since I'm leaving, maybe

it would be fun
if you wanted to,
I don't know, go to the party.

Uh... (CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT)

Danny, that's really sweet.

And please don't
take this the wrong way,

because it has
nothing to do with you.
It's just...

I just still see you
as that kid that
I used to babysit.

Oh! Yeah. No, I...

Look, I know.
I totally get that.
I was just...

It was just a random
thought. Honestly,
I was biking past anyways.

Yeah.

Oh, hey. I'm sorry
about my dad, by the way.

He's just a little
intense sometimes.

I'm sure he's harmless.

Good night.

Yeah.

Have fun at the party.

Yeah, I will.

So I'm harmless to you?
Get out of here.

I don't want you hanging out
with my daughter.

I'm not, I promise.

Then what are you
doing here?

I was just
inviting her to a party.
But she doesn't want to go.

A party?
What kind of a party?
A sex party?

No. No, no, no,
I don't do sex parties.

You lying piece of shit.

I saw you in the deli today,
buying condoms. Six boxes.

I'm not trying to
have sex with anyone.
All right?

I've never even had sex.
I've had, like,

three handjobs,
two to completion.

I will never hang out
with your daughter again,
I swear on my life.

If I ever catch you
with my daughter again,

they're gonna
find little pieces
of Danny Campbell

sprinkled up and down
the Verrazano Bridge.

You got that?

Now get the fuck
off my property.

Now.

Piece of shit.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, guys,
sorry I'm late.

DAD: Frank called,
looking for you.

Said you were stopping by
Krystal Manicucci's house.

Mom,
who is this?
Hmm.

This? This is just
a patient of mine

who used to be able to walk.

Until he got a motorcycle and
he wiped out on the freeway.

(CHUCKLING) What's up, guy?
How's it going?

Griffith.

Oh, yeah, but...

Yeah. Yeah,
listen to your mom.
Motorcycles are...

They're fucked up. Okay?

I mean, you know, messed up.

Right?
They're bad news, hombre.

Huh? Okay?
It's like, talk to the chair

'cause the legs
ain't listening.

Right?

Mom, I've never
ridden a motorcycle
in my life.

I don't think I've
actually seen one in person.
But you know what?

If I want to ride
a motorcycle, I will.

Okay. It's a perfectly
viable life skill.

No, it is not, Danny.
It is a death skill,
that's what it is.

A death skill.

A motorcycle?

Is Krystal putting you
up to this?

Is she the one
that's turning you
on to these motorcycles?

That girl is
a bad influence.

You don't even
fucking know her.

Whoa! Language, guy.

You're grounded.

You can't ground
me anymore, Mom.
I'm an adult.

And like any
normal adult,

I'm not going to Disney World.
You know why?

Because normal adults
go places
that are interesting.

Like England. Or France.

Well, for your information,
we're going to England.

And France.

It's called
EPCOT effing Center.

Jesus.

That's what happened
when they rode motorcycles.

You got any hot sauce?

No, we don't, Griffith.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

All right. This ought
to kick it up a notch.

Where did you
get this?

My cousin works for Delta.
He gets free jet fuel.

Hey, Victor.
How you doing?

Unstoppable.

Word.

Hey. I wanted to let you know
we're having a staff
party this Saturday,

if you want to come by.

Oh, really?
You're inviting me?

Like, you consider me
part of the staff?

Yeah. Of course, man,
always. (CHUCKLES)

You want me to make
anything for the party?

I'll do an ice sculpture.
You know, like an angel.

Nah, I think we're good, man.
But thank you.

Yeah, I wanna make you
an ice sculpture.

Oh, no, you don't have to,
man. I think we'll be okay.

We're gonna have, like,
booze and weed and stuff.

I'll make you one.

We don't need an ice
sculpture. It's summer.
It'll melt pretty fast.

Huh?
It's ice, so it'll melt.
So we don't...

So you want one?
No.

Yeah.

Hey, did you see
the giant new hornets' nest?

Where?
Yeah, over the shed.

What?
WENDELL: Holy shit.

Yeah. You might wanna
take care of that, man.

They're breeding
like crazy.

Come on, little man,
we got some work to do.

Move out of the way, yeah.

(CHUCKLING) Watch it.
Very flammable.

(MUTTERS)

Can I come to the party, too?

We'll see.
I only get a plus one.

Yo.

Will Hunting,
this is disgusting.

All right. Come on.
Quit your dog shopping.

Chuck's at lunch.
It's game time. All right?

I'm out today.

All right, man.
You're gonna
miss all the action.

I'm telling you,
Osama Bin Laden
had this dog. Right?

Best friend in
the entire fucking world.

And our military
was able to go in,

kidnap the dog,
bring it back to the US,

teach the motherfucker
how to speak English,

and that's how
they found out where
Osama Bin Laden was hiding.

What, you don't believe me?

Okay, I can do this.

This is easy.
Frank Gomes, drug buyer.
I can do this.

Hey.

Can you guys
get out of here?

Sorry. Could you please leave?
Thank you.

That looks good.
Enjoy your juice.

Hey, uh,

Konko.

That's a cool name, man.

Is that Eastern European?

So you sell,

mmm, drugs?

Oh, because I'm black,
I sell drugs.

No. I did not say that.

I heard a rumor
that all ice cream men,

regardless of race,
sold drugs.

I'm just going off...
(CHUCKLES)

Relax, dude.
I'm just messing
with you. All right?

Okay.

Yeah, I can
get you some.
(SIGHS)

What you want? Crack?

Crack? No. Not crack.

No, no, no, no.
I just want some weed.

You know, weed.

Bitch, do I look
like I sell crack?
No.

How dumb do you
think I am, huh?

You have your own business.
You're not dumb.
You're a smart guy.

You want green,
right?
Yeah.

All right,
let's go, get in.

Your truck? I only got five
minutes on break, man. I...

We'll only be gone a minute.

Like an actual
60-second minute,
or like,

you know, "Wassup, homie,
haven't seen you
in a minute" minute?

Now get your simple ass
in the truck, man.

I'll get in the truck.
I'll get in the truck.

All right,
give me your parents' money.
Let's go, guys.

Whoa, Sofia, high roller.
Where did you get this?

I don't want to know.

Bets are closed, guys.
Two to one odds
on Mikey Calcags.

You're a punk, Mikey.

Nobody likes you.

You got this, baby.
You got this.

Hey, I'm looking
for Chuck Casino.

Oh, not now, man.
We got deck races going on.

Hey, you want in?

Hey, and by the way,
my kid is a lock.

I sprinkled some Adderall
on his chicken fingers.

All right,
let's see them guns.

All right, remember
the rules. You stay
within the glass bottles.

First one to dive
into the shallow end wins.

And remember, you guys,

no running.
(LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLES)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

SKOOTCH: Come on, come on,
come on, Mikey.
ANTHONY: Go! Run!

Go, Mikey!

Come on, Mikey!
Go, Johnny, go!

Come on, Mikey!
Go!

MARY ELLEN:
That was Calcags.
(CHEERS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Boo-yah.

Oh, thank God, man.
Oh, my kid yesterday
wiped out like a mo'fucker.

There was so much
blood in the pool,

it looked like
the Kool-Aid Man
killed himself.

Like he caught
his wife cheating.

Like he came home
and he was like,

"Oh, no."

(IMITATING GUNSHOT TO HEAD)

Just brains.

Just Kool-Aid
brains everywhere.

Who are you?
I'm the health inspector.

Yeah.

I was kidding
about everything.

A health inspector?
What are you doing here?

Is this some sort of
surprise inspection?

Are you
Chuck Casino?
Yeah.

You called me.

Oh, that's right, I did.
I did. I forgot.

Anonymously.

"Are dogs reliable spies?"

Hey, can I check out
the ice creams?

KONKO: I told you not
to touch anything.

Can we turn
on the music?
No.

The pH level is a five.

Bro, five out of 10
ain't bad.

It's out of 14.

And yes, it is bad.
It's worse than urine.

I'm shutting you guys down
for the weekend.

MARY ELLEN: What?
Yeah. What a shame.

I guess this happens
with pools sometimes.

Did you do this?

Why would I want to
ruin a party that
I wasn't invited to?

You son of a bitch.
Okay. Skootch,
Skootch, Skootch.

FRANK: Whoo!

Look. Don't move,
and don't touch nothing.

Yeah, yeah,
you got it, Konko.

I got to get
the fuck out of here.

Shaolin's finest.
Wassup with you?

Fuck.

May I help you?
(STARTLED) Hi!

Hey. Uh...

I was just...
I wanted some weed.

You sure?
Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I could get
some weed. If that's cool
for you. Convenience.

All right, come on.

Oh, my God.

(BUZZING)

All right.
Ready to do the honors?

Hells to the yeah.

Okay, but remember.
A-B-C. "Always Be Safe."

Sir, you got to
believe me, man.

Chuck set this
whole thing up. I swear
on Chuck's shitty life.

Sorry, Skootch.
Looks like the P-A-R-T-Y is

O-V-E-R-Y.

"Party is overy?"

Wait a sec,
did you say Skootch?
Yeah.

Did you work at the YMCA,
like, 15 years ago?

Perhaps.
(CHUCKLES)

Mike Lynch.

Shut up.
You taught me
how to swim.

Mikey Lynch, man?
Yeah.

Dude, I haven't seen you
since you were,
like, this tall.

What's going on, man?

All right, here you go.
Shaolin Special.

That's cocaine.
Do it.

Ugh, I did so many lines
of coke,

it's like
I don't even know
what time it is.

My fucking eyes
are bleeding.

Listen, if you gonna
buy from us, we need
to know you straight.

Uh... (SIGHS)

Do it.
I love you so much, Rachel.

Dude, you hooked
up with Kim Douglas

inside that dumpster.
She was so hot.

No.
Yeah.

Married?
Check it out, bro.

No way...

You can say it.
Say it. She got big.
No.

She got big.
She got big.

(SNORTING)

Fuck! Fuck!
What the fuck is that?

It was a Pixy Stick.

Dude just snorted sugar.

(RETCHING)

Oh, God damn it!

You guys are jerks!
You guys are real jerks!

What? Who the fuck
is you talking to?

Okay. You know what?
What the fuck am I saying?

Who the fuck am I
to say that?

I am so sorry.
I am so, so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
I don't mean that.
I don't mean shit like that.

I gotta get out of here.
He's hilarious.

These violations
are pretty minor.

I think we can
work something out.

No, no, we're not
"working something out."

Rules are rules.
Yeah, but not really, right?

Who hasn't peed in a pool?
It's nothing that dramatic.

I pee in the pool
all the time.

(BUZZING)

Come to papa.

(HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING)

(MUFFLED CLAMORING)

(FIREWORKS CRACKLING)
(EXPLODES)

It's gonna blow! Go! Run!

(SCREAMING)

(CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(EXPLOSION)
(MUSIC STOPS)

(CHEERING)

Shit.

So, how's your mom?

I couldn't help it,
dawg, I had to do it.

What the fuck is going on?

I had to do it.
Look, look, look, I'm sorry.
Calm down, dawg.

Here, here, here.
Peace offering.
All right?

Thought I was
gonna kill him.
I know.

Is this weed?
Yeah.

Oh, tough.
Thanks, guys.

Hey, wait. What's this I hear
about a party tomorrow?

Oh, there's a party
at Great Kills.

You guys should
come down, man.

Bring whoever you want.
Bring your friends.
Bring your moms.

Just bring
whoever you want.
My man Pixy Stick.

Is that me?
I'm Pixy Stick?

Cool. Pixy Stick.

Aah!

FRANK: Whoo!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

CHUCK: Out you go.

SKOOTCH: Don't touch me.
Out you go, little Skootcher.

SKOOTCH: Shut the fuck up.

All right.
Have a good
Labor Day, guys.

Looks like
Chuck's got the pool
all to himself.

Just think,
next time you're here,
you'll get arrested.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, man.

I just ran, like,
30 blocks. Terrible.

What's going on?

Where the hell were you?

I was running an errand.
Who cares?

Chuck sabotaged us.

Chuck sabotaged us?
Danny's the one

who hid the booze
in Dolores's shed.

Which is pretty
fucking stupid for a kid
who's going to Harvard.

Are you being
serious right now?

Yeah, I'm being
fucking serious.

The booze is not
what blew up the shed.
It was the fireworks.

Whoa. Hey! Whoa!
Don't blame this on me.

Kisses not disses. Okay?

What's going on?
There's no party?

SKOOTCH: No party.

Because we also
don't have jobs, man.
We're done.

I'm fucking out of here.
This is bullshit.

Hey. Anthony, stop.

Mary Ellen, stop.

Let's go.

Did they tow my fucking car?

You don't even
know what I had to
go through to get weed.

Which I got.

I had a gun
pointed at my head.

I had to ride
in the back of
an ice cream truck.

I had to do fake cocaine.

This entire thing sucks.

This whole plan
has been fucked
since the beginning.

Krystal's not coming and

Rachel doesn't
even talk to you.

Fuck you, Danny.

I don't care about Rachel.
Or Krystal.

I don't even care
about the party.
I just wanted to have

a last weekend with you,
where we're friends.

That's bullshit.
We've been friends
our entire lives.

We'll hang out
every single summer.

We're not gonna
be friends.

What are you
talking about?

I canceled my entire trip
just to hang out with you
on our last weekend.

Boo-hoo.
You cancelled
your annual trip,

which you'll go on for
the rest of your life,

to hang out with
someone who's not
gonna be in your life anymore.

I hope you have
a great time at Harvard

and you make
something of yourself.

Because I'm gonna go
rot in my parents' basement.

Should've gone to
fucking Disney World.

Yeah, you should've.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Good work, little fella.

Never bet
against the Casino.

(CHUCKLING)

Good God.

(MUSIC ENDS)

Hey.

Jesus.

What are you doing here?

I never left. (CHUCKLES)

And, in a way, I never will.

Well, until your
parents find me.

Look, bud,
I promised your mom

that I'd try to scare
the crap out of you

because she cuts me a deal
on my Valtrex.

But honestly,
if I had to do it
all over again,

I'd fucking ride, man.

I would ride
that fucking bike every
fucking day of my life. Okay?

Okay? You feel me?

Come in again. Yeah.

No regrets. No regrets.

Except the herpes.
That I would not
do all over again.

So put a hat on
your bat, okay?

Put a condom
on your penis. Right?

Nice.

And I'm watching Aladdin
in the other room
if you're interested.

Starting it now.

I kind of need to
know pretty quick.

Because of
the seating arrangements.
Oh, I got a seat.

Hi.

Hey.

Your mom said
you'd be here.

Yeah. Didn't want to
give diabetes the day off.

(SIGHS)

Look, man,
I'm really sorry
about yesterday.

You're right.
I was being a dick.

Go on.

It's true,
we're not gonna hang out
as much this next year, but

you're still my best friend.

And there's still
one last day of summer
we have together.

(DOOR RATTLES)

All right, this better
be good, Harvard.

Start talking.

Okay, guys.
Thanks for coming.

Okay.
We are still going
to have this party.

And not just for us.

For all the lifeguards
that have ever worked
at Great Kills.

This is our club, and
we can't let Chuck take
it away from us.

Yeah, fuck Chuck.

Well, if we show up,
he's just gonna
call the police.

Then we give him
just what the doctor ordered.

Jesus. What did
the doctor order?

Oh, I just took,
like, every pill I could
find in my mom's office.

Plus the Vicodin
that they gave me
for my wisdom teeth.

Wait. So what,
are we going to walk up
and be like, "Take these,"

and he'll be like, "Okay"?

Well, you know how you can
bake weed into brownies?

Yes.

What if we just made,
like, pill brownies?

FRANK: Hmm.

That actually might work.

How do we get the pill
brownies into Chuck?

Why are you guys
all looking at me?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(MS. GREELEY GRUNTING)

Now, this is what we call,
in Staten Island, shopping.

There you go.
And that

is called a Staten Island key.

(WHISTLING LEISURELY)

Steak, oh, you look delicious.
"Thanks, Chuck."

Let's make you beautiful.

(WHIRRING)

Chuck.

Oh. We're actually
closed right now.
This is a private event.

Wow, that is some
Speedo you got.

This is actually an apron.
That's the...

Wow.

There we go.

They should call you UPS,
because you are
carrying a package.

Thank you.
I come from a long line
of big penises.

My dad had a big dick,
and my grandpa before him,

and his father before him

supposedly a very
big dick as well.

Ugh, okay.

What does a girl
wear to a party?

Probably not this. Right?

Listen,
I brought you something.

Ta-da!

Ms. Greeley.

Yeah.
Those look delicious.

Yeah. It's because you've been
doing such a terrific job.

Just a little thank you.
Well, thank you. It's...

Try that.
All right.

Oh, yeah,
take the whole thing.
Oh, baby.

It's a bunch of powder.

MS. GREELEY: Don't stop there.

Huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

Hey, I got a good idea.

Hmm.
Why don't we go inside?

Oh, yeah.
We're just getting
a little too much sun. Right?

Okay, you're the guy.

I'm so sick and horny.

I feel good.
Whoo!

And also,
like, really, really bad.
Oh!

SKOOTCH: Coming through.

Congratulations, Wendell.
You are officially a thief.

Do not tell a soul.

Hey, Rachel.
Didn't notice you there.

Oh, wait, I did.
You're on my dick.

I've got to go to the bathroom
real quick.

Oh, these are very good.

(SIGHS) Come on, Chuck.

(KEYS BEEPING)

All right,
let's rock 'n' roll.

(CROWD CHEERING)

There's that road.

* Angels we have heard on high

* Skootch is also very high

Come on, Chuck,
finish the job.

Kill 'em all.

I need everybody to
remain calm. Okay?

I am a future member
of the United States Navy.
Okay?

And I just...

Holy shit.

Who are you?
Shut up.

Nah, you look great.
It's kind of nice.

You have a lot
of cleavage out.
(HORN HONKING)

FRANK: Skootch!
(ALL CHEERING)

DANNY: What's wrong?

Chuck probably
changed the lock.

Hey. Goofus and Gabby,
we got 200 people here.

Can we speed
this shit up please?

I finally got you all.

Like a fly to a spider.

One, two, three,
and we end this all.
MARY ELLEN: Ow.

Oh, no, it's too much.

Frank, get your
finger off my testicles.

I can't hold him.
Mary Ellen, help.

Finish it.

(ALL GASP)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

THE DEVIL: They don't
respect you, Chuck.

No, Chuck!
Kill them!

You're secretly my hero.

Chuck is so sexy.

Thanks.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You've done well, my son.

You've brought
the spider to the fly.

Thank you, Father.

Now choose a bride
and bear us a child.

No need. I shall
bear the child myself.

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

(GROANING)

Yeah.

(HORN BLARING)

Oh, what's that, Chuck?
(KEYS JANGLING)

Chuck says, "Let's party."

(CHEERING)

ANTHONY:
Yeah, boy, get in there.

Get it up. Get it up.

What took you guys
so long?

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Let them remember.

This is Zion,

and we are not afraid.

Whoo!

Hey, what's up?

What type of shit is that?

All right, all right,
let's see some IDs.

Yeah, let's see
some I-double-Ds.

Hey. Guys, if you're going to
have sex in the pool,

can you at least do it
over by the filter?

Sure.

Sinners.

Yeah!

What do I do?

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

Pulled it off.

Yay. Oh!

Dude,
we did it, man.
Hey.

Is Krystal coming?

Uh, I don't think so.

It's cool, though.
She's out of
my league anyways.

You're the best, man.
She doesn't deserve you.

Honestly.
Thanks, man.

I think I'm gonna
go for it with Rachel.

Really?
Yeah.

You should.

Oh, Rebecca, you should
totally go talk to him.

Frank hates me.

Okay. But that's
obviously his weird way
of flirting with you.

He's a little weird.

He's funny, though.

So go talk to him.

And I am going to
go find Skootch.
Ew!

Gross. He's like 40.

All right. Well,
better leave you to it.

Yeah, fuck off.

Good luck.
Thanks.

Okay.

Fuck. Fuck me.
Okay, I got this.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hey.

Hi.

Hey...

Do you want to go
smoke this weed?

Um...

Sure.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Cool.

After you.
Okay.

Fuck. Fuck me.

Hey, you guys want to
hold a real police gun
for a second?

Don't worry,
the safety's on.

Wait.

Now it's on.
There you go.

Whoo-hoo!

Be careful.
Don't touch the shoulder.

I like your shed.

Thanks. Perks of
having the baby pool.

Wait, I thought
you didn't even like me.

What?

Yeah, you've been, like,
really mean to me forever.

Are you kidding?
I just thought
I was flirting.

Really?
Yeah.

I thought I made that
really obvious.

(CHUCKLES)

It's crazy to think
that we're rocketing
through space, you know?

It's like we're
moving at a mile...
Million...

Mmm.

Oh, um...

I was going to
get a drink, I think.
Do you want to...

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.

MS. GREELEY: Anthony.

Who deserves a thank you?

Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Little Mermaid,
would you get me
a refill, please?

Oh, she's so cute.
She's so cute.

She's very cute.
Yeah.
Yeah.

Oh, look at these.

Now that is a Navy chest.

Are you kidding me?

Check this out.
What do you think
about these, hmm?

Navy chest?
(HUMMING)

I'm a fucking idiot.

There you go.

Hi.

You came.

Yeah. I couldn't miss
the biggest pool party
of the summer.

I did have to use
a rival rickshaw company,
though.

I'm telling you,
those other guys,
they're not authentic.

(CHUCKLES)
That's what I hear.

You look really
beautiful tonight.

Oh!

We are having fun now.
You, you're so romantic.

I love it.

Whoa!
Let's get comfy here.

That's nice, right?
You okay?

Kinky.

I'm gonna be
right back, okay?

You better be.
Because I got
a sitter for tonight.

Right.
You're sitting on this.

Wow, okay...

Balls on the bull's-eye.

Hang tight.
Bye, Ms. Greeley.

Should I get a condom?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Okay.

Here it is,
totally sealed.

Wait, what is this?
Is this a Magnum?

Let me see.

Oh, yeah, I guess.
The ushe.

Oh, um...

I don't think
I can do this.

What? Really?

Why not?

Because I don't
want to have sex
with a weird giant dick.

Whoa, I don't
have a giant dick.
I have a big dick.

I don't have a big dick.
I have a very average dick.

I just like
a little extra room.

It's like baggy pants.

Gross.
No, it's not.
Okay, look, look, look.

You're going to like
the way it looks,
I guarantee it.

Are you sure?
Yes.

Mary Ellen?

Did you have fun
with Ms. Greeley?

Took you long enough.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you going to
take your shirt off?

No, I'm okay.

I want you to.
Why?

Because I like your body.
I want to see it.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay.

See?
That's much better.
Yeah?

Cannonball.

Oh, I can't stop.

(GUNSHOT)

Rachel.
What?

FRANK: Rachel!

What?

What?

Did you just call me Rachel?

No.
Are you kidding me?

No. That was a joke.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Where's Danny Campbell?

I don't know Danny Campbell.

Rebecca. Wait.

It's perfect.
It was a joke.

Everyone loves Rachel.

No, they...
Well, okay.

Where's Danny Campbell?

Hey, you.
Where's Danny Campbell?

Oh, shit.

We have to go.

Rebecca! Rebecca! Rebecca!

Hey. Where's Danny Campbell?

I don't know.
Where are your
fucking manners, asshole?

"Asshole"?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, hold on. Wait a minute.
This is my dawg
Pixy Stix right here.

Hey, police. Freeze.

What the fuck is this?

Everybody just chill out.

Who the fuck is this dude?

FRANK: Yo, that's Victor.
He's maintenance.

It's Frank.

All I know is that
I've got a lady situation
that's exploding right now.

And your whole
"Where's Danny?" routine

is just not
working for me.

I have to go
fucking deal with her.
Get the fuck back.

Whoa, whoa.
I'm right here.

Okay, Danny's
right here.

I got your message.

You thought you were
sending it to her, but
you sent it to me instead.

Mr. Manicucci...

Leo, I...
(ALL EXCLAIM)

Mr. Manicucci...

I don't know
what you think my intentions
are for your daughter,

but I swear
I am a gentleman.

You're a gentleman?

You text her
a picture of your dick.

What? Why would I send you
a picture of a dick?

I would never...
Look at this.

Dad, stop.
He would never
send that to me.

Okay. We're gonna settle this
once and for all right now.

We'll find out
whose picture this is.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

This way.

Rebecca! Rebecca!

Go back to partying.

That's correct.

Teenagers, please
resume your drinking.

And a party it is.

People are crazy, man.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hey.

Hey, Leo.

How's your daughter?

Come on.
We're gonna go
for a little ride, Chuck.

Yeah, hop in.

Oh.

I call shotgun then,
all right, boys?

Look at you two.
You smell great.

Dad.

What are you doing?

Make sure you have her home
by midnight.

He's just kidding.

I don't have to
be home till 1:00.

CHUCK: Hey, guys,
you guys got to see my dick.

Hey. Do you want to maybe,

I don't know,
go somewhere else?

Yeah.

FRANK: Rebecca.

Rebecca.

Rebecca, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay? I'm really sorry.

Ow!

Okay, I deserved that.

Okay.

I also deserved that.

Aah! Okay, no one
deserves that. Oh, man.

Being a twin sucks.
You know that?

Yes. I understand
what it's like

to be compared
to other people.

Being fat sucks, too.

So does staying home
from college,

especially when
your best friend's
going to Harvard.

You're not fat.

And you're really,
really beautiful.
You're gorgeous.

And I did think
you were Rachel at first.

But I'm really
happy you're not.

And honestly,

I feel really lucky that
I even got to kiss you.

Honestly?

A thousand percent.

I'm really hungry.
Could we go back
to the party?

(LAUGHING) Yeah, let's go.

Rachel...

I'm joking.

You better be joking.

Danny, this is beautiful.

My dad used to
take me here

when I was little
to look at the stars,

but you can't really see them
because of the city.

So he convinced me that

all the lights on the bridge
were little stars
strung together.

Wait, um, how old
were you again?

This is like
a week ago.

You're kind of funny,
for a kid who's
going to Harvard.

I'm a little jealous.

At least you're
getting out of here.

You're doing
something exciting
with your life.

And I would kill
to get off this island.

You can't leave.
You're the Queen
of Staten Island.

Do you know how
horrible that sounds?
(LAUGHS)

I mean, would you
want to be the
King of New Jersey?

I would, but they keep
electing Bruce Springsteen.

I feel like you're
the kind of girl

who wants to marry me,
but not kiss me.

Well, I feel like
you're the kind of guy
that wants to kiss me,

but doesn't
want to marry me.

What if we pretended to be
different kinds of people
for one night?

Okay.

You know we're not
having sex, right?

Oh, I couldn't.
I'd be thinking about
your dad the whole time.

That's disgusting.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

SKOOTCH: Aw, Frankie.

Skootch.

Hey, man,
I got something for you.

What? Seriously?

Yeah, you earned it, man.

I mean, even a boner rescue
is technically a save.

Besides, when
Victor kills Chuck,

you could totally
work here again
next summer.

That's awesome, man.

Welcome to the big pool, kid.

What are you gonna do?

Probably just
gonna stroll home.

Finish this beer.

Beyond that,
I have no idea.

(FRANK LAUGHS)

You're the best, Skootch.

Uh-oh.

Look at what we have here.

MARY ELLEN: Oh, my God.
That looks like
a number-one party dude.

FRANK: Shirt wide open.

It was a good night, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Yes, it was.

(SIGHS)

Come. I'll walk
you home. All right?

Hey.

Make us proud,
you idiot.

MARY ELLEN: Bye, Danny.

You know what?
Give it a while

before you tell
anyone at Harvard
you're from Staten Island.

Okay?
ANTHONY: Yeah, don't do that.

Good luck with the exam.

Thank you, man.
I appreciate that.

You know, I'm trying to be
more eer-uh-dy-tee.

Oh, my God.
That was really close
to being a real word.

How about that?
(LAUGHS)

Peace.
See ya.

Bye.
Later, guys.

I'll give you guys a minute.

I'll meet you out front.
Okay.

That's a thing.

Congrats.

Thank you.

So, did you
end up having sex?

No. You?

Yes.

What?
Yes, I know.

Fuck.
I'm sorry.

I realize that
that's something we were

supposed to do together
but separate.

You know, it's fine.

I'm happy for you.

If it makes you
feel any better,
that's Rebecca.

Wow.

Really?
Yep.

They're identical twins,
did you know that?

You know,
for what it's worth,

I always thought
Rebecca was
the cutest of the two.

Yeah. Me, too.

You know,
I'm going to
miss you, Frank.

I know.

I'll come up
every other weekend.

You'll introduce me
to your Harvard friends and

I'll reintroduce
you to my parents.

(LAUGHS)

This isn't the end
of Frank and Danny.

We're still best friends.

We are.

Come here.

(SIGHS)

MOM: There he is.
Hey.

Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm so late.

How was Disney?

It was great.

It was very fun.

I'm really sorry
I missed it.

No, I'm sorry.
I overreacted. I just...

All right.
Oh!

MOM: Oh, my baby.

I'm gonna miss you.

Me, too.

Are you sure
you still want us
to drive you up?

'Cause if you
want to go alone,
we understand that.

I'd really like you guys
to drive me up.

Good, because we were
going to regardless. Come on.

One sec.
I need to grab something.

MOM: Hurry.

I can't believe he said yes.
Now we have to drive him.

(KISSES)

MOM: Got everything?
Yep.

All right.

DAD: And we're off.

MOM AND DAD:
* To Harvard we will go

* Heigh-ho, the merry-o
To Harvard we will go, hey

* To Harvard we will go
To Harvard we will go

* Heigh-ho, the merry-o
To Harvard we will go *

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

Yo, check this out.

* One's for the money

* Two is for the show

* Three is for these stocks
Might as well say...

(ALL SCREAMING)

* I'm that OG
Some of y'all know me

* I used to cop green
for boojie
Nickels, dimes and OZs

* I'm like Thor's brother,
so Loki

* I'm ice when
the hammer provoke me

* Never trust
nobody who owe me
And any wife is a trophy

* If I'm the mortician,
the shovel is on me

* I put 'em in the earth
I do my dirt
all by my lonely *

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wassup?

Wassup, baby?

What you got?
(ALL EXCLAIM)

Wassup? What you got?
What you got?

Come on, Pixy!

* They call me Pixy Stix

* I ain't no Pixy bitch

* I got a lotta dick

* For all you Dixie chicks

* I smoke a lotta piff

* I pack a pistol grip

* No stripes, no whistle
But I'm still official, bitch

* I don't beef with chicken
I ain't no Peter Griffin

* I might beat my chicken
Then beat you
into submission

Wait, wait, wait.

* I don't think
the world give a fuck

* If I call myself the shit
Like "Two Girls
With One Cup" *

(ALL EXCLAIM)

WOMAN: He's got a gun.

KONKO: Oh, shit.

OFFICER GREG: Give me that.
FRANK: Sorry. I'm sorry.

OFFICER WANKEL: Never.
Sorry.

We still loved the rap,
though.

ALL: (CHANTING)
Pixy! Pixy! Pixy! Pixy!

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)