Original subtitles

This is so great.

I know. The wine, the view. Me.

Fantastic.

I was talking about us.

Oh.

It took us two years to realize that we love each other,

but I'm so happy that we did.

Me too.

Me three.

Oh, no, we're outta wine.

Yep, you finished the last of it.

No wonder I feel so tipsy.

Um, Sofia, I don't... I don't think you should drive home.

Josh, is it cool if Sofia spends the night?

I think she can drive.

I mean, sure.

She can stay. What are guest rooms for?

Gue-ests!

I am so happy right now.

Me too.

Me three! Look what I found!

- Another bottle of wine! - Oh, boy!

So which one of you two is gonna carry me up the stairs?

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Josh, where do you keep an extra toothbrush?

Oh, I think you'll find one

right next to the night alone

I wanted with my girlfriend.

Uh, in the cabinet, under the sink,

right next to Elliot's concealer.

Thank you.

Good Ni-ight!

Sleep ti-ight!

Gabi, I think we have a problem.

Okay, well, let's just keep kissin',

maybe it'll fix itself.

No. It's not that.

Sofia's here all the time!

I mean, we're a couple now.

We need time alone.

Yeah, I know, and I want time alone,

but she's my best friend,

I can't just ditch her because I have a boyfriend.

I bet if she met somebody, she'd ditch you.

Yeah, well, we'll never have to find out,

because she's never gonna meet anybody.

Why not? Sofia's a great girl.

Yeah, she's not the problem.

Have you ever noticed she's a little picky?

I bet she'd like my friend Evan.

I mean, he owns his own gym.

Yeah, uh, I met Evan.

I think he'd be happier dating a Jim.

Uh, what about my buddy Dan?

Dan, the guy who pronounces vase "vahz"?

Mike.

Man Boobs Mike?

Yeah, has he met Evan?

Are you sure Sofia's the picky one?

Ooh! Dick!

See? Told you it'd fix itself.

No...

My dentist.

Dick Donahue!

Hmm. You really think Sofia would go for a dentist?

She would consider it!

- Elliot! - Oh, morning, boss!

Hey, I need you.

I got like a thousand files on here

that need to be converted before my meeting tomorrow.

Ohh, I bet you look so cute running a meeting.

Hey, do you wanna have a little meeting right now?

I'll convert the files for you.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

He was talkin' to Gabi.

I know.

Uch, all that giggling and canoodling.

I wish Alan and I still had that,

but something's gone flat in the bedroom.

Was it Alan after you rolled off him?

Seriously, if you wanna get your sexy back,

I can help you.

"Yolanda's Dude-oir Photos.

"Where bros pose with no clothes."

Since when have you been doing erotic photography?

Since I got caught in that locker room,

and had to come up with an excuse on the fly.

Yolanda, these are great.

Oh, yeah, guys play out all kinda fantasies.

Construction workers, sailors, celebrities.

Who finds Cedric the Entertainer sexy?

That's me, fool!

Now all you gotta do is figure out Alan's fantasy.

Oh! I know exactly what Alan's fantasy is.

Yah! Yah!

Why are you not taking any pictures?

I'm busy second guessing the life choices I've made that got me here.

Alan's favorite reality show is "The Real Dog Sledders of Alaska."

And I modeled myself after his favorite,

Lance Klondike!

Dog sledder by day, Jewish doctor by night.

Wait! I need a scarf to ripple as the wind blows across the icy tundra.

Ooh, I know. I got Rabbi Ben's prayer shawl in my purse.

Why would you have that?

After what we do? He needs to make things right with God.

You know what? Never mind.

Come on, let's do this.

Hold up.

All right. Show me your snowballs!

Whoo!

Isn't this goin' great? It's goin' great.

Okay, who's ready for some more wine?

Ooh, white for me. Red stains your teeth.

Oh.

I just have to say, you guys, um, I have not had this much fun on a date

since... wow, it's been a really long time.

Well, I'm sure you two would like to get to know each other a little bit better,

and what better way to do that than not be here with us?

Why don't I help you clean up real quick, Gabi?

Oh, thank you, Dick.

Wow, he's such a gentleman.

I cannot wait to introduce him to my mother.

Shut up, desperate, you're gonna ruin this for me!

You. You're gonna ruin this for you.

Excuse me one minute.

Hey, uh, Elliot.

Why are you dressed like Nanook of the North Korea?

Because I'm just finishing converting your files.

Oh. And you're doing it in that outfit because...

Oh, no! An outfit would imply I'm wearing pants.

So, Dick, what do you think?

Sofia has great teeth, huh? And she, uh, she knows when not to use 'em.

Sofia's the best. Hope she's not just after my nitrous hook-up.

That's happened before.

Oh. Is that an emergency root canal?

Worse. My ex-girlfriend, Kayla.

She's still got stuff in my apartment.

She keeps bugging me to bring it by the salon.

Oh, so you, uh, still text with the ex?

Oh, not that much.

Hm. Hey, uh, Dick, can you, uh, help me put these, uh, dishes

in the dishwasher?

Oh.

Oh! You know what? Here, let me hold that

so you don't get it all wet.

Um, you know what, Dick, you should not be helpin' me

with the dishes... Josh!

- Oh, but I'm happy... - Josh!

You know what? Oh my god, I think I saw Sofia just eat a carmel.

- What? - Yeah, go!

What?

Dick is texting his ex, Kayla.

- So? - So? So?

He said it's just because she left stuff at his apartment,

but everybody knows you just text your ex for sex.

Text, ex, sex... it's true because it rhymes!

Gabi, he's really into Sofia, I'm sure it's nothing.

How do we know that Dick's not still hung up on Kayla?

We don't! And we don't have to, because I love Dick,

Sofia loves Dick, everybody loves Dick,

and if I wasn't being serious,

that would've been so damn funny,

but I am serious, so it's not!

Gabi, don't screw this up.

Okay, all right, I get it.

Do ya? Do ya?

I do! I do! I don't!

Hi, this is Gabi Diamond. I'd like to make an appointment

for a haircut tomorrow morning with Kayla.

Hi, I'm Kayla.

Uh-oh.

You're pretty.

Sofia's screwed.

So, what are we thinking?

Um, I was thinking, uh, bangs, highlights,

are you getting back together with your ex-boyfriend Dick?

Excuse me? Who are you?

Um, I... I'm Gabi, and my best friend is dating your ex,

and I just wanna make sure you guys are totally over,

'cause if you're not, I really don't want her to get hurt.

Wow, Dick's already seeing someone?

Yeah.

Is it bothering you?

You're bothering me.

I bother everyone.

Um, but uh, the question is,

does Dick dating someone bother you?

No. I'm done with Dick.

Well, good. That's a relief.

So what do you want done to your hair?

Um, what costs... three dollars?

- Your last hair cut. - Oh!

How did she know?

Oh, hey, Alan.

Are... Are you here to pick up Elliot?

Yeah. But first I need to talk to you, Yo-Yo.

I need your advice.

Elliot came home crazy late last night.

He said he was working, but I'm not buying it.

No offense, but you guys don't do crap around here.

Plus, when he got into bed, he had a very shaggy, musky scent about him.

I think he might be having an affair.

Alan, I can tell you with certainty, Elliot is not havin' an affair.

Oh my god, with certainty?

You have information, Yo-Yo!

- Out with it! - Hm-mmm.

All I can tell you is,

I was helpin' him become the man

you've always dreamed of.

Mario Lopez?

What the oy is this?

A tallis?

Elliot's converting to Judaism for me!

Hey. Alan.

Josh, was Elliot here late last night because he was converting?

Yeah! He was doing it in my office.

Oh my god! My mother's finally gonna accept Elliot!

I can finally stop going to therapy!

Ah, who am I kidding?

Hey, babe.

Ohh. A rose. Why a rose?

Well, I figured tonight was special, you know?

It's the first time the two of us are alone out on a date.

You know, to be honest, I was gettin' a little concerned

that we were never gonna rid of...

- Josh! - It's like I'm still hearing her.

Hi.

Thank you so much for sending us

that incredible bottle of wine.

Although it was red. But I brought my

wine straw, so we're good!

He brought me one, too!

You guys wanna join us?

Yeah, we'll be right there!

I thought you said we were gonna be alone tonight.

Yes, I know, a... and I thought so, too,

but then I thought, if Dick really is the one for Sofia,

I should be here, because her second dates tend to be the last ones.

When does it end?

On the second date, I just told you.

No, this! When... When does this end?

Listen, we'll just have... we'll have one drink with them,

and then we can be alone, I promise.

No, stop! Stop!

Told you, don't do Gabi cat in public.

I'm sorry.

Kayla?

Dick, I know you're surprised to see me, but...

Is that bitch using my wine straw?

Kayla...

Stop. This morning, I heard you were seeing someone new,

and I thought it didn't bother me, but it turned out, it did.

All day, I've been thinking about you with another girl,

and... and I realized, I don't want you

to be with someone else, I want you to be with me.

I'm in love with you.

So...

Dick Donahue, D.D.S., will you marry me?

I am so sorry.

It's okay, we all have crazy exes.

- Yes, I'll marry you! - What?

Oh my god! And this is the girl who inspired me

to do this!

- What? - What?

If you hadn't come in this morning,

I wouldn't even be here.

Uh-huh.

- I owe this all to you. Thank you. - That's great.

Mm-hm.

Sofia, listen, the only reason I went to her

is because I found out that he was still texting her,

and I wanted to make sure that it was totally done,

so that you didn't get hurt.

Dick. You came back.

I had to. These aren't cheap.

Well... you dodged a bullet.

How could you ruin this for me?

See?

I told you her second dates are always a disaster.

Gabi, everything was goin' great, we found Sofia a great guy,

we got rid of our third wheel. Do you remember standing in my kitchen,

promising me you wouldn't get involved?

Yes, yes, I remember. And I didn't intend to screw it up,

but then my feelings for Sofia overpowered

my intention not to screw it up,

and then I really screwed it up.

Oh, so your feelings for Sofia overpowered your feelings for me?

Yes, exactly!

No, wait. No, no!

Remember the...

Gabi...

know what?

I'm startin' to feel like I'm the third wheel.

I only have three dollars.

Elliot, I couldn't wait anymore.

Yolanda told me about the surprise you're planning!

What? Why would she wanna ruin everything for me?

I just answered my own question.

Well, the fiddler's off the roof!

Come on! What are Jew waiting for?

Okay! Wait here!

Mom! Prepare to meet your newly Jewish son-in-law.

I can't believe this is really happening!

Oh, it's happening, Ma.

He's probably getting his yarmulke, a tallis...

And hopefully, some rugelach.

Now that he's Jewish, I have my appetite back.

Prepare to be aroused!

Ta-da!

Oy gevalt!

He may be Jewish up there, but he's definitely not Jewish down there.

Uch, come on. Cancel the rugelach!

It's not me. It's Lance Klondike.

Brought you a bundt cake.

Actually, it was a regular cake,

but I ate the middle on the way home.

I'll get the plates and forks, you sit.

Sofia, I had no right to do what I did.

And it was wrong of me to think I did have the right to do what I did,

so the only way to make right what I did wrong

is to tell you that I'm... I'm really sorry.

Come on, Sofia, say something.

- No ice cream? - No! I got ice cream!

I got ice cream, here.

Look, and it's mint chocolate chip!

It's your favorite! I know you love it!

- I know you wanna forgive me... - What is wrong with you?

So many things!

I don't know. What happens with most girls when they get boyfriends

is they lose their girlfriends, and

then their girlfriends find boyfriends,

and then the girlfriends just drift apart, and

I don't... I don't want us to drift, Sofia.

Oh my god. Do you know what I just realized?

Mint chip doesn't go with bundt cake?

No. Yes, but... No.

I think the reason I keep including you in everything with me and Josh

is because I just don't wanna lose you.

And maybe you don't wanna lose me?

It's okay, you're not there yet, that's fine, that's fine.

But maybe, just maybe, the reason you

keep hangin' out with me and Josh so much

is because you feel the same way?

Gabi, that is insane. You think that I go over to Josh's house

and I drink too much because I subconsciously wanna be with you?

- Oh my god. - See?

That is so sick!

I know!

- Ucch. - So, what do we do,

I mean, I don't wanna lose you, you don't wanna lose me?

Well, I don't know, things are changing.

Yeah, but wh... what if I don't want them to change?

Hey! What if we make a pact

to spend every Thursday night together?

Like a date night?

Yeah, but we don't have to, like, make out or anything.

- Oh, so exactly like my date nights. - Mm-hmm.

I'm really sorry that I messed everything up with Dick.

Oh. It would never have worked out with him, anyway.

Turns out, his middle name was Dick.

His first name was Harry.

I don't understand. Why does that... oh.

Gabi and I got into a huge fight. I don't wanna talk about it.

Then why'd you say it?

She chose Sofia over me, do you believe it?

Oh my god. You and I are having the exact same problem.

Alan and his mom ran when they saw me pantsless on a dogsled.

I am so mad right now, I can't even look at her.

Should I go see her? Should I go over there, see her?

No, no, you kn... I'm not gonna go see her. If I go over there,

I'm gonna look like a big wuss. If she wants to

make this work, she's gonna have to come to me.

She came to me! Yolanda, she came to me!

She didn't come to me.

- Alan, you're back! - Honey, Mom and I talked,

- and she realized... - Honey, let me talk.

You know, I always wanted my son to be with a nice Jewish boy.

- Ma! - What? Just let me talk.

I realized my son doesn't need a nice Jewish man.

He needs a nice loving man.

And anyone who could get dressed up in that facacta Eskimo outfit,

with his schmekel hanging out? Definitely loves the hell outta my son.

Ooh!

I do, I do!

Well, welcome to the family.

Come over here. Give Mom... Mom a hug.

Oy!

Let's celebrate!

Josh-Ala, I hear you have quite the wine collection.

Blackberry Manischewitz is my favorite.

But if you only have grape, we will make do.

Josh?

Gabi.

I do wanna be alone with you.

And I think we should start right now.

Oh my god, who is that?

That's Josh's chef.

What, does everyone in this house go naked?

If only.

Well, when in Rome...

Ma!

What?

So, first time spendin' the night here without Sofia.

How ya feelin'?

Like, I don't miss her, but I love her.

But I don't miss her, because I love you.

Me too.

Me three.

Damn, this wine is good.

Ya know, I'm a little tipsy.

Mind if I spend the night?

You missed some.

You, too.