Original subtitles

(CHEERING)

Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to The Grand Tour,

which this week comes to you from Nashville!

- There it is. - (CHEERING)

It was er... It's a city that was named after General Nash.

Big war hero, kicked the British out.

- He got er... - (CHEERING)

You ended up with independence. And how's that working out for you?

I only ask because we were looking the other day

at the bestselling cars in America these days.

This is the top five.

There you go, that's independence... working well.

Toyota, Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Honda.

So what is actually made in Detroit these days, then?

Er... Well, mostly they just grow sustainable organic peace beans.

- (LAUGHTER) - It's just women with armpit hair growing kale.

That's all that's going on there--

municipal farms for the community.

Now, the reason we've come to Nashville

is very simple, in fact.

It's because I've been to all 50 of the US states,

but I'd never been here before.

And what a town!

- Yeah. - (CHEERING)

JAMES: Love it. JEREMY: Who knew?

- We are loving it. - Who knew?

It is a great place, we're loving it,

and the music is amazing.

- Loving that... very much. - (CHEERING)

JAMES: Well... RICHARD: What?

- Not really. - Mate, you can't...

This is known as Music City USA.

- That's what it is. - But it isn't, is it?

Because Detroit is.

Oh, no. Listen... No.

- (JEERING) - JEREMY: It is.

Motown... Motown

is just three minutes of jangly nonsense.

- Oh, come on, Hammond! - It is!

Hammond, it just isn't!

You cannot possibly say that.

Country and western music

is designed to make you miserable.

Motown is designed to make you happy.

No, he's absolutely right. Motown is happier music.

I mean, take something like

Martha Reeves "Dancing In The Streets", OK?

Listen to how happy the words are.

"Every guy, grab a girl, everywhere around the world."

Isn't that what Donald was telling us to do?

(LAUGHTER)

Well, he was, wasn't he? He did. He did.

No, he said, "Every guy, grope a girl."

- A very different thing. - (LAUGHTER)

Detroit isn't just Motown. Bob Seger's from Detroit.

It's just housewives' music.

- Ted Nugent - Mad!

- Iggy Pop. - Ridiculous.

- Madonna. - Annoying.

- Eminem. - Can't sing.

- Alice Cooper. - Ridiculous again.

- Half of The Eagles. - Which half?

- Glenn Frey. - I don't like that half.

Nashville. Right, what's come out of here? Miley Cyrus.

Brilliant!

(LAUGHTER)

- You just said that out loud on television. - I did.

And... And The Allman Brothers.

- Never heard of them. - (GASPS AND LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: You have.

The Allman Brothers,

they had that one hit, instrumental.

- What was it called? MAN: Jessica.

- Jennifer. - (LAUGHTER)

Oh, I hated that.

You never hear it any more, do you?

JAMES: No. Rubbish.

RICHARD: Weirdest thing.

Weirdest thing.

- Oh, hello. - A message.

Oh, sorry.

This is a message from Mr Wilman.

We've gone a bit off topic.

He might be cross. We have a bit.

There is a car thing here we ought to talk about.

It's called coal rolling. Are you familiar with this?

It has its origins in a sport

where people go with their pickup trucks into a field

and see who can tow the heaviest thing.

- Yep. Oh, yep. - We've got some footage here of it happening.

Look at that! The man in a pickup truck towing a heavy thing.

RICHARD: There you go.

Things you will never hear said at that event:

"Got to rush, lads. I'm late for a poetry reading."

(LAUGHTER)

JAMES: That's truck number three--

Bernie Sanders, everybody.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, the thing is, they worked out

they could pull more heavy things

if they fiddled with the ECU on the diesel engines,

because that would generate more power,

and, as a by-product, more smoke,

cos that's why it's called coal rolling.

And now, various kids have started to do it out on the highway.

What they do is go out on the street

and then do it when they overtake a Toyota Prius.

Look at this. Here we go.

RICHARD: Oh, for God's sake! Really?! Oh, come on!

Really?!

- Now, I... - That's just...

I just... I know, I know I shouldn't say this.

But every time I overtake a Prius,

I always think, "I could do this in fourth...

"but I'm gonna use second instead

to annoy them even more."

You do know you are 56 years old?

- Yeah, but I've got a mental age of nine. - Oh, yeah.

- Shall we get on with the show? - Yeah, it's time.

On with the show. In our car show this week...

James runs over a sun lounger.

Richard has a beer.

And I go on a thing.

Jesus!

Anyway, before all that,

we've been having a bit of a debate.

You see, I say you don't need to buy a BMW M3

because for £11,000 less you can have a Jaguar XE S,

which is nicer to drive,

more comfortable and just as fast.

- It isn't just as fast. - Yes, it is.

- No, it isn't. - They both do 155mph.

Yes, because the BMW has been electronically limited to 155.

The Jag is just... limited.

- (LAUGHTER) - Sorry to interrupt.

It's just that both my colleagues are wrong.

Because if you want a small, fast saloon car,

what you absolutely have to have--

If you're gonna start going on

about that Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio,

I am gonna stab you in the eye with this pen.

- No, he's-- - A number of times.

He's right. Alfa Romeo have not made a decent car

for 30 years.

- Erm... - "Erm" nothing,

because we need to get back to the point.

James and I have decided

it was time to sort out this Jaguar-BMW debate

with a proper old-school road test in Scotland.

Hello, and welcome to Wales,

where I've come with all of our film crews and this,

the brand-new Alfa Romeo Giulia... Quadrifoglio.

I think.

Whatever.

Let's get on now and see what's what.

Now, for this to be a proper Alfa Romeo,

there must be... something wrong with it.

Think about it.

A person who's kind to his mother

and punctual and sober and well-dressed, he's an Audi.

And nobody wants a friend like that.

If you're going to form a relationship with a car,

if you're gonna develop a bond,

it's got to have human qualities.

And if it's gonna have human qualities,

it's got to have faults.

And this car, I'm delighted to say, has a big one.

I don't know quite how they've managed this,

but it's not very easy to get out of.

You've got this pillar here, then the wheel here,

and there isn't enough of a...

of a gap between the two.

Hang on a minute. Hang on.

How Alfa Romeo is that?

They put the door in the wrong place. It should be...

It should be further back.

That is brilliant.

There's more, too.

It's not a particularly handsome car.

The wheels are too small.

And for some reason,

they've chosen to make the front

look like a Wolseley.

Now, in the recent past-- James is quite right--

Alfas have had their faults

and then no good bits to compensate.

They've just been wrong-wheel-drive Fiats

with the word "Fiat" crossed out

and "Alfa Romeo" written in in crayon.

That, though...

...that's a very different animal.

This is a fabulous car,

an epic car.

Probably because it's the love child

of the same man who engineered the Ferrari 458.

He's given it a carbon-fibre propshaft,

a carbon-fibre roof,

a carbon-fibre bonnet,

a proper limited-slip differential,

telepathic steering and a clever gearbox.

But the most impressive bit of this car

is its turbocharged 2.9L V6 engine.

An engine that wobbles when you close the door.

That is brilliant. Look at that.

You don't get that sort of thing from an Audi, do you?

Ferrari, which, of course,

is part of the same company as Alfa Romeo,

is very keen to point out

that this is not the engine they use in the California

with two cylinders removed.

They say it's a complete coincidence

that both engines have the same bore/stroke and V-angle.

They're adamant that this is all Alfa Romeo's own work.

So, there we are.

It is, then.

And what work it is.

You get 503 brake horsepower.

That is 60 more than you get from a BMW M3. 60!

It's 175 more

than you get from that Jag

that James would be droning on about now,

had I not stepped in and saved the day.

And then there's the way it revs.

Ha!

Most turbocharged engines are a bit wheezy at the top end,

but because the twin-scroll turbo in this

is mounted in the V of the engine...

...just like it is in a Ferrari California,

coincidentally,

the rev counter is still a blur

right up to the red zone.

This engine is...

...it's a masterpiece.

An absolute gem.

So, while this may look like a Wolseley,

it certainly doesn't go like one.

It has a top speed, in fact, of 191mph.

What this car is

is a Ferrari...

...wearing four-door sensi-panties.

And that brings me onto this car's party piece.

At normal speeds, it's very quiet and very civilised.

And even though it's running on wheels

that appear to have come off the bottom of a sofa,

it's very comfortable,

even if you push this,

you put it in bumpy-suspension mode.

The only setting I haven't yet tried

is this one-- "race".

But I think I should.

Sadly, however,

before I found somewhere to try it out,

I received a telephone call.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, no. What?

- (WHISPERS) Hammond. - Have you got our film crew somewhere?

- Yes, I have. - Are you using them to film an Alfa?

- Yes, I am. - Where are you?

- Wales. - Wales?!

JAMES: You can't just arrange that we go to Scotland

and then disappear off to Wales.

I didn't tell you to go to Scotland.

You decided to go to Scotland on your own.

(CLATTERING)

RICHARD: We've come all the way to Scotland

to do this with these two cars.

This is the test. You trying to shoehorn...

It's wonderful there are Alfa Romeos in the world.

That's a lovely thing that we can all...

JAMES: It doesn't matter how good you think

the Alfa Romeo is. This is a car programme.

RICHARD: Concepts, dreams, imagining things.

...Scotland, with two cars that are credible, relevant,

important, work and are real.

JEREMY: They were still shouting at me as I arrived

with all of the film crews at our track.

RICHARD: ...itch, that you've managed to scratch

over the last ten years.

I don't know how. Why...

JEREMY: (MIMICS RADIO CRACKLE) It's breaking up!

Oh, I've lost you!

Race mode.

Here we go.

In race mode, everything is in a tensed-up state:

the throttle response, the gearbox, the steering.

And the traction control is off!

(YELLS AND LAUGHS)

This has now been transformed

from something that was brilliant...

into something that is sensational.

Of course, you'd never drive in race mode on the road,

in the same way you'd never take your wristwatch into space.

But it's nice to know that it would still work if you did.

(CHUCKLES) And this does.

Oh, boy, this does.

I've always said you can't be a true petrolhead

until you've owned an Alfa Romeo.

And the trouble is, I've always known

there's no Alfa Romeo

a true petrolhead would actually want to buy.

There is now, though.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, there is now.

And so I decided to do something I've never done

with any car I've ever filmed in my entire life.

I decided, when the test was over,

to go to the nearest Alfa Romeo dealer...

...and buy one.

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERING)

RICHARD: What?

- What? - You total cock.

You stole our film.

Well, not really.

You didn't actually buy one, did you?

Well, no, cos I couldn't make my mind up

between that and the 4C.

It was like watching an ape return to its cage

and finding there was an apple and a banana.

"Oh, I like apple, but I like bananas.

So do I want the apple or a banana?"

You would have had both, obviously.

Hammond, that car is brilliant,

and it only costs £60,000.

Yeah, but honestly, Jeremy, that doesn't mean anything.

If Alfa Romeo launched a dog turd,

you'd say it was brilliant.

It is! I'm not making it up!

You heard it. You saw it. It's a fantastic car.

Anyway, listen, we must find out

how fast the Quadri-thingy goes round the Eboladrome.

That, of course, means handing it over

to a man who thinks that tennis is something

that was invented by Stalin.

He's actually a local boy this week,

from the next state along.

It's the American!

(CHEERING)

There he is.

And even he will enjoy

this magnificent machine,

I'm sure of that.

And he's off with a glorious bark

and a pop from that sensational V6.

Oh, it's wet!

OK. Alfa Romeo Julie Quad Bike

something or another.

I can't say it, can't pronounce it.

I don't really like driving it.

Oh, for God's sake!

So, the tall one thinks this is a good car.

I still think he was dropped on his head as a child.

Yeah, but at least I don't wear a cowboy hat to weddings.

Right, now, powering majestically into Your Name Here.

This could be the single greatest lap we'll ever see.

RICHARD: What are you on about?

JEREMY: It's beautifully balanced,

hard on the power.

A bit of a wobble there! Some oversteer,

but it was designed to do that.

RICHARD: No, it wasn't!

JEREMY: Stop saying things, Hammond.

I'm busy.

This is just a BMW

for people who like fancy coffee.

No, it's a BMW for people with taste and discernment.

RICHARD: No, it's a BMW for idiots.

JEREMY: Hammond, be quiet!

Look at the way it's dealing

with Old Lady's House.

Almost no problems at all.

Now he can really turn it up

for the sprint to Substation.

Such power! Such pedigree!

RICHARD: Such bollocks. JEREMY: Just be quiet!

Just two corners left.

Glorious poise in the rain through there.

Field Of Sheep.

Another master class in suspension control.

And across the line!

(CHEERING)

- RICHARD: Well, come on, then. - Well, no...

Come on. What did it do?

- What? - Time.

No, it was wet,

so there's no point putting it on the board.

It'll just wear the computer out

- for no reason. - Get on with it!

- We haven't got time! - Get on with it!

I'm gonna do it. Let's look at the time.

Time for Jeremy's Alfa Quadriplogio.

(LAUGHTER)

That's not quick, mate! I'm sorry.

JAMES: That's rubbish!

In the dry, it would have done a 1:15.

- No, it wouldn't. - Yes, it would.

- No, it wouldn't. - It would!

There's no point arguing anyway.

He's got the Alfa Romeo thing out of his system,

which is good, because it's time now

for us to enjoy a gentle stroll

along the sunlit sidewalks of Conversation Street.

(MELLOW JAZZ)

(LAUGHTER)

- That's a good one. - I like that one.

It is. Right, now...

OK. And we start with this.

It's the new Alfa Romeo Stelvio.

- RICHARD: For God's sake! - This is important news.

It's not important news. It's niche news for morons.

It's not! It's a superb car,

because you can have it

with the same 500 horsepower engine

that you get in the Quadriplegio.

And with that... with that you get four-wheel-drive.

So that one will work in the wet, will it?

Hammond, when somebody has a baby,

OK, do you go up to it and...

"Oh, look at my new baby that I've...

Eurgh! It's really ugly!"

Well, only if it's ugly.

You see, you can't be cruel about Alfa Romeos.

- Yes, I can. - They're trying so hard!

Well, let's just move it on. Forget the Alfa, then.

Now, we should talk about where we are,

OK, Tennessee, because this is the bestselling vehicle in the state.

- OK. - (CHEERING)

Yeah, we've got a picture of the police car.

(LAUGHTER)

And an ambulance.

- And a hearse. - RICHARD: Yeah.

I'm detecting... detecting a theme here.

The pickup truck, I think I'm right,

is very popular in this neck of the woods, yes?

I'm sure you may be amazed to hear

they really haven't caught on at all in the UK.

I mean, almost nobody has one.

You hardly see them, which is a shame,

because I love a pickup truck.

JAMES: Yeah, we know. - I like a truck.

- (CHEERING) - You know?

I can say that here. I can say that here.

That's fine, you can say that, but they're not actually very sensible.

Look, mate, that's not everything.

Anyway, you drive around in your Ferrari, OK,

and happily put up with the compromises that that imposes.

So you put up with the cost, the inconvenience,

and it's not very comfortable because it's a fast car.

Same with a pickup. You put up with compromises:

the weight, the size, the fuel consumption...

But what's the upside?

It's a pickup truck! You can use it...

You can put logs in it

and tow... tow trees out of the woods with it.

You could put a bear in it.

Hammond, you work... you work in the media!

The only thing you have to put in the back of a vehicle

are invitations to gala lunches.

- Well... - That's all you ever do.

The problem, actually, in Britain

with a pickup truck-- I'm sorry to admit this--

is that if you pulled up at a set of traffic lights

and you had your cement mixer

and your chainsaw in the back,

they would be stolen immediately.

Anything left in the open in Britain,

it's like nuts at a party, you just help yourself.

- (LAUGHTER) - So why doesn't that happen here?

Who's got a pickup truck here?

- Holy cow! That's unbelievable. - (LAUGHTER)

When you go shopping and put things in the back,

why doesn't someone just help themselves?

Because they shoot them here.

(LAUGHTER)

RICHARD: Well, there is that.

There is that. Thank you, Donald!

But why... Have you ever had anything stolen

when you were at a red light?

Never? Has anyone ever had anything...?

- AUDIENCE: No. - No?

I thought this was supposed to be

crime-ridden in America.

Maybe people are honest.

I don't know, it's possible.

If I was in Britain

and saw a pickup truck with a lawnmower,

"I'll have that."

Now, yesterday we went to erm...

It was like a big classic-car museum,

just out of town here, where you could also buy the exhibits.

- It's great fun. - It was a fantastic day out.

Really enjoyed ourselves in there.

I mean, it was full of, you know,

Mustangs and Camaros and stuff.

Stuff like this. We've got a picture

of this sort of thing-- '60s and '70s stuff.

Now, we know that cars like this are horrible to drive.

Terrible.

But they're tremendous to look at.

There was so much joy in car design back then,

and you see it in that car there.

It actually made us slightly sad in a way, though,

because as we were leaving, we suddenly started wondering,

"Well, what are they gonna put in that museum

in 40 years' time?"

- Yeah. - What?

The Nissan-bloody-Juke.

- Exactly. - (LAUGHTER)

I don't want to look at that now.

- No, exactly. Or the Dodge Dart. - (AUDIENCE GROANING)

Well, what child's gonna say, "Oh, Daddy!

Daddy, let's go and look at the 40-year-old Dart in the museum"?

Nobody is!

It's true that car design

has become so dreary lately.

And I think part of it,

it's almost as if the people who design cars

don't actually like cars that much.

Exactly. But they did then. You can tell.

There was a Cuda in there next to a Plymouth Fury,

and I just stood for about an hour, just soaking them in.

I saw a 1966 Cadillac.

We've got a picture of it here. Look.

Now, what I like about this

is that the bloke who designed the bonnet,

he thought, "I've finished with the bonnet.

I'll do the grill."

But he didn't tell the blokes doing the wings,

and they kept going, so it goes like another foot.

No, but this is fantastic with a fantastic-looking car.

The Buick Riviera, they had one of those in there.

- Look at that! - That is glorious!

I had one of those

as a toy when I was little.

If you put your finger over the back window,

it flashed its lights.

And you just look and you go,

"How can Buick have gone from doing that

"in, what, 30-40 years, to doing this,

whatever this brown..." Look at...

- (LAUGHTER) - How have they done that?!

And it's the same as Chevrolet.

There was an Impala in there, 1960.

RICHARD: Look at that! That is exciting not moving!

JEREMY: That's a Chevy Impala from the '60s.

Let's have a look at one from today.

- RICHARD: Oh, for God's sake! - (LAUGHTER)

How do they even have the nerve to call that an Impala?

Because it isn't one.

I was looking at a Corvette,

a '70s Corvette.

That's the C3 model,

if you're a Corvette nerd.

This was a car that was driven

by all of the astronauts.

- JAMES: Exactly. - And Dirk Diggler.

- JAMES: Yep. - (LAUGHTER)

Ah, so it's a car

for porn stars and astronauts.

- What a strapline! - What car is there today

that could be driven by porn stars and astronauts?

- There isn't one. MAN: An Alfa!

An Alfa?!

Actually, he's right!

No, astronauts have to get there.

He's right! That's exactly

- what the Quadriplegio is! - No!

For porn stars and astronauts, which is what I am.

Now, I would like to have

a conversation about the Nürburgring.

- Go on. - Because this is important.

Last year, I was delighted.

The people who run the Nürburgring in Germany,

they said they were gonna ban car manufacturers

from setting lap records there.

Sorry, why were you delighted about that?

Because that's an excellent idea.

If you make a car that is excellent

for doing a fast lap of the Nürburgring,

it would be useless as a car everywhere else in your life.

It's like... It's like setting your house up

to play Laser Quest.

It will be brilliant for playing Laser Quest,

but it'll be rubbish for a dinner party

because it's full of lasers,

darkness, fog and music that goes...

(BEATBOXES)

...and people running around

thinking that they're in Star Wars.

Or you could get a dog...

You could train a dog as an attack dog,

which is fantastic if you own a scrapyard

and you need the dog to guard it,

but take it home as a pet, it will eat your children.

- (LAUGHTER) - It's completely useless.

That's what happens

when you set a car up for the Nürburgring.

This isn't really a conversation, James.

No, I think we've accidentally turned down Rant Lane this week.

- (LAUGHTER) - Well, there's more.

- He's off again. - No, no.

But the thing is, the bad news in all this

is that they've decided

that they will allow car manufacturers

to set lap records again.

Well, that's good.

- No, it's bad! - OK.

Think of the cars that have come out recently

that we've driven that have been developed

so that they would go fast around the Nürburgring.

BMW M4 GTS,

you can't deny it, it's a terrible car.

Nissan GT-R, the Track Edition,

that is a terrible car.

Even SEAT-- the SEAT Leon Cupra 280,

that's got a hatchback record for going around the Nürburgring,

and it's rubbish!

The Nürburgring ruins cars.

I'm developing an app for the smart phone

called Bomb The Nürburgring

where you guide a Dornier 17 over it

and blow it up.

What are you doing on this programme?

- Talking sense! - (LAUGHTER)

RICHARD: Good question. I don't know.

We have this old woman who has a baking show in Britain.

She's called Mary Berry.

It would be... You probably know her.

It's probably the same

as her saying, "I hate cakes!"

- Yes. - (LAUGHTER)

Mary Berry would agree with me,

because if she made a cake

that had been developed on the Nürburgring,

someone would put fried onions on the top

and completely ruin it. You'd have a Victoria sponge

with onion on the top for no reason!

James, you know you're weird, don't you?

That's not weird. That's the most sensible thing

that's ever been said on this show.

- You are weird. - I'm not weird.

He is weird! We were coming through the airport

here the other day, coming through Chicago,

and he went, "Jeremy, smell my jacket."

- He said what?! - (LAUGHTER)

- Yeah. - He did.

He said, "Smell my jacket." I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because it smells of old record players."

- Mate, that is weird. - But it did!

You know record players don't smell of anything?

They do. Old ones do.

They smell of old record players.

Who knows what they smell like?

- I'd like us-- - The decaying...

I'd like us to move it on

because it's getting scary now.

That's not the record player!

What are you on about?

Does anybody have an old record player,

or anything old electrical?

They smell, don't they?

Has anybody ever smelled an old record player?

Really? You think you have?

You've smelled an old...

God, strewth!

Did it have a wax cylinder on it, your old record player?

They smell like old plastic and warm rubber.

JAMES: Yeah, exactly.

That smells like a party at James's house.

You're actually talking to Thomas Edison there.

RICHARD: In person.

Well done, sir.

Now, as we're told

almost every day these days, really,

the world's coral reefs are all dying.

And we're told that this is the fault of the car.

Well, since we host a car show,

we thought it would be our duty and responsibility

to do something about it.

Here in the Caribbean, all appears to be well.

But under the shimmering blue sea,

there's just miles and miles of sand.

It's an underwater desert.

And even when you do find a reef,

most of the coral is dead or dying.

Thirty-eight years ago,

the local government sank a ship

to encourage the coral to come back.

And it's working.

It's already an oasis of life.

And that gave us an idea.

Why use a ship as the hub or your coral reef?

Why not use cars? There are millions of them.

So that's exactly what we've done. We've got five cars.

And rather than go through all the expense

and complication of recycling them,

we've stripped them, taken the engines out,

removed the paint, and they're ready to go in the sea.

JAMES: This really does make perfect sense,

because when the car is in the water,

it will start to corrode,

and that attracts all the things

that help the coral grow.

And then the car itself just rusts away

to absolutely nothing.

So this one, which started life

as a pretty horrible Peugeot

and was always a terrible car,

will eventually become a beautiful coral reef.

And all this happens quite quickly.

So in just a few years' time,

the BBC will be able to make a wildlife documentary

just in this wheel arch.

Anyway, we've got the cars.

I've got a crane.

All we need now is a boat,

which is a job we gave to Jeremy.

That's his responsibility.

He'll have overdone it, won't he?

Well, he'll have made a statement of some sort, so...

Freight ship. Full-on freight ship.

Or a tanker.

(HORN BLARES)

Oh. He hasn't overdone it.

Is that him?

What is the point of that?

Will you come and tie it up?

JAMES: That's the worst boat I've ever seen. That's awful!

- What's the matter with it? - Well, it...

We gave you $5,000 to buy a boat.

Boats are expensive!

You didn't spend all five grand on this.

- That is not a five thou-- - Yes!

I've got toothache. Be kind.

Irrelevant. That is not a $5,000 boat.

- It is! - It's barely a boat. Look at it!

It's brilliant! You'll get a car on this.

- Er... Where? - On the back!

- Who did you buy it from? - A man.

- Was he laughing? - No, he wasn't.

- Can I come aboard? - No.

I don't think it can take two.

(LAUGHS) Look! It's terrible!

Instead of just standing there,

criticising a man who's got toothache,

why don't you go and get a car on the crane

and start loading it?

Soon, our first car was ready to be lifted onto the boat.

It's just nice to be putting something back, really.

It genuinely is. It's a little old Corsa,

and it's gonna be full of coral.

Mr Coral coming, swimming along.

"Ooh, there's something to latch on to."

Then his friend comes along.

His friend comes along.

This is a genuinely brilliant idea.

That doesn't fill me with...

total confidence.

(WHIRRING)

JEREMY: Down a bit! Down!

You'll have to...

Boom out!

Is that the sign for "boom out"?

JEREMY: That. Yeah, that.

It's like being guided by The Village People.

It's working now. Unless--

On! On!

- The next danger-- - You're really helping.

- I've got the guideline. - Right, go!

- JEREMY: Down a bit, James. - Watch for the wind.

Hammond, can you swing it around?

Do you want me to swing it?

Yeah, try and get it...

Oh, shit!

JAMES: Who pulled that?

We've got to save the car! It's a reef! Save it!

Oh, it's gone! It's gone!

JAMES: Who pulled the...

That's to release it, you Muppet!

Well, I thought it was a guide rope.

No, I steer it! You just release it when it's on there!

He told me to steer it.

He said, "Pull the rope to steer it."

This is a £400,000 crane!

Why would you steer it with a piece of string?!

It's got all these knobs and buttons.

I steer it, you release it!

So that's a quick release?

- Yes! - Got it.

What if we just said we only had four cars?

So we've taken four cars, removed the engines

and the paint, and they're ready to go in the sea.

- We'll do that piece to camera again. - Yeah, yeah.

The thing is, why use a ship as the hub of your reef?

Why not use cars? There are millions.

So we've taken four cars, removed the engines,

stripped them down and they're ready to go in the sea.

(MUTTERS) And then James... Oh, yeah.

And then... And then,

this Peugeot was no good as a car,

but will be... but the coral will just stick to it,

oxidising and algae.

Doesn't take very long.

One day, BBC documentary, wheel arch.

Yeah, from just four cars. That's all we had.

Four cars. That's all you need for a reef.

Right, here's the boat we've selected.

It's a little bit damaged.

With the release rope stowed,

we managed to get the first of our four cars

onto the boat, which had come with a broken roof.

- Yeah. Oh, yes! - (LAUGHS)

- Yes! - Yeah!

Good! Result.

And then we had to secure it in place.

I don't understand ratchet straps.

Er... There's water coming into the boat.

- No, there was some in when I bought it. - It's leaking.

There's always a bit of water in the bilges.

It's why boats have bilge pumps.

No, it's coming in.

It's not just like it's in, it's coming in.

- Well, there's none here. - There's holes! It's leaking!

Oh, shit! No, there is! Well, attach us to the crane.

RICHARD: Er... It's gone down.

It has gone... It is going down.

JEREMY: If you attach us to the crane,

it won't sink, will it?

RICHARD: We're tied on.

JEREMY: James, can you just take the slack?

(CRANE WHIRRING)

Sadly, James misunderstood

this simple instruction.

- (CLATTERING) - Oh, the whole thing

has collapsed at the back!

Oh, dear God!

JEREMY: Wait! Stop! Whoa! Whoa! What?

RICHARD: It's falling over!

JEREMY: James, it's falling!

- What do you want? - Holy Mother of God!

It's going down! Abandon ship! Save yourself!

Catch it, James!

JEREMY: Save it!

Stop!

What are you doing?

JEREMY: Oh, God.

The French Secret Service

didn't do a job as good as this.

RICHARD: I'm not talking to any of you.

No. Come on, it was May's fault.

You bought a crap boat,

you put an idiot spaniel on the crane,

and, also, think what we were gonna do

for the conception of the car.

People would love the car. They would see it

as a friendly, coral-loving thing.

You're swimming like an old woman.

I don't like being in the bloody water!

Fact! I'm not comfortable! I'm from Birmingham!

Having sunk a boat and two cars

where the cruise liners normally park,

the port authorities suggested we go away.

So we took our three remaining cars

to a nearby marina,

built ourselves a raft,

and hired a boat

which had a crane on the front.

- JEREMY: May! - What?

You're not operating the crane.

You are operating the crane.

RICHARD: Yeah.

I'd just like to point out

that I've been fired from a job

that I was doing perfectly.

- (THUD) - Meant that.

I can't get the crane working. Is there a switch?

Don't come to me for help. I'm rubbish at cranes.

I didn't, did I? Did I?

Soon, we were ready to load our first car.

You're miles away!

You've got to be spot-on.

I can only lift it to there.

This way, this way, this way, this way.

No, up, up, up.

I can't... Jeremy, you'll have to go back.

I can't do it if you keep moving the boat!

If I want to go backwards, I should go that way.

JAMES: Right, this way. You've got to... I can't move it...

RICHARD: I can't go that way! He's driving!

I can't move it!

Why don't we pick it... Oh, God.

RICHARD: Where are we going?!

The bad things... It's the wind!

RICHARD: Why are we over here?

JEREMY: Wind!

RICHARD: Here he comes! This is it! This is it!

We're coming in hot!

Stop... chasing me with the bloody crane!

May, will you do something quickly in your life?

I'm going to kill him!

Here we go! Yes! Run away! Run away!

(CHEERING)

JEREMY: We have hooked the apple!

JAMES: In a bit, in a bit. JEREMY: We are good.

We are so good, it's almost incredible.

Now we had our eye in...

- (THUD) - Oh, Jesus.

...loading the second car was the work of a moment.

JAMES: We're on. RICHARD: Oh, my God! Yes.

JAMES: That's it. That'll do.

This is the manliest thing I've ever done.

RICHARD: I'm just gonna rest my big balls on my crane.

- (GRUNTS) - (JEREMY LAUGHS)

With our raft full,

we headed out to the spot

identified by marine biologists

as having the perfect depth, current and temperature

for a reef to form.

Release the reef!

RICHARD: Yes! JEREMY: There it goes!

- The reef is born! - RICHARD: That's our reef!

- Sink! - Come, coral! Come!

Yeah!

JEREMY: Go! RICHARD: Yes!

JEREMY: Oh, I'm pleased with that!

The Peugeot 206.

That is brilliant.

Next, we had to anchor the cars in place,

which was a job for the only qualified diver among us.

He'd even brought his own equipment.

Right. Back a bit.

Back... That's on my nose.

JEREMY: Stop moaning!

Ow!

If he were a heart surgeon,

he would turn up with an old leather bag

with a saw and hammer in it, wouldn't he?

"I'm ready to do your operation. Here I am."

(MUFFLED YELLS)

(GROANS)

It's like his old table with his Bakelite telephone on it.

- Yes. - "Hello. Hammersmith 37 here."

James's suit was so old,

it didn't come with air tanks, so, annoyingly,

it was our responsibility to keep him alive.

How long have we got to do this for?

Well, for as long as he's done there.

- Honestly, I'm exhausted. - I'm getting dizzy.

We should keep going.

No. Look, there's a generator.

Why don't we just connect it to the generator?

(AIR HISSING)

Now. Now.

- Yeah. - You're an idiot.

(GROANING)

- (HISSING) - RICHARD: Life-saving air.

- (GENERATOR STARTS) - Oh, there we go.

On. And relax.

(CRIES OUT)

Nearly!

(GENERATOR CHUGGING)

Come in, James.

When our colleague finally surfaced...

he was very angry.

That was nowhere near the cars. Nowhere near.

What was nowhere near the cars?

You might as well have dropped me off the coast of Los Angeles!

- I couldn't even see them! - Just stop. Stop.

What do you... What do you mean?

How did you manage... You're the boat expert,

as you're forever telling us.

How did you manage to put the cars there

and then move the boat about 100 yards away?

- We drifted. - We drifted a bit.

- Have you done the job? - No.

- What? - The cars are not anchored.

Because when I got there,

your drifting, stupid, orange biscuit-tin boat

yanked me back off it!

We don't have an afternoon

to just throw away while you go paddling.

You're saying... I'm gonna have to do it, aren't I?

RICHARD: Soon, James Bond was ready to go in the water.

- Do I look like Roger Moore? - Yeah, you do.

- You do, yeah. Yeah. - Roger Moore, the greengrocer.

- Let go. Yes! - Yay!

RICHARD: I've just handed Jeremy a welding iron.

Oh, dear God.

I'm not sure I trust Jeremy to do welding.

I wouldn't trust Jeremy

to watch a YouTube guide to welding.

RICHARD: Oh! JAMES: What's that?

RICHARD: That's gone wrong. JAMES: Jeremy?

RICHARD: Badly, horribly wrong.

JAMES: Ah!

- How did that go? - Very well.

- Did it? - Oh, yeah.

- Did it? - Yeah.

That was all...

They are not going anywhere in a hurry.

JEREMY: We headed back to shore for an agreeable dinner,

happy that our important environmental work

was, at last, going well.

But are the coral starting now?

- Yeah. - So they're down there now.

- A bit of coral's gonna... - Yeah, it will have done.

It's not a big coral reef,

but it's the start of a coral reef.

Well done, chaps. We have done...

I don't clink glasses, as you know,

but we can raise a glass to our success today.

Yes. Well done, us.

(CHEERING)

Maybe that's what Volkswagen were doing--

building a reef.

That could be it. That could be it.

We're gonna pick up our important marine biology work later on.

But now it's time to play Celebrity Brain Crash!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

That doesn't get any better.

That really doesn't get any better, that sting.

But anyway, my guest tonight is from...

Well, how can I describe it, really?

...the second biggest

and most important part of the world,

as far as music is concerned: the Northeast of England.

- Oh, come on! - (LAUGHTER)

Well, hello?!

Mark Knopfler, Paul Rodgers,

Gordon Sting, a couple of people out of Little Mix.

- Lindisfarne. Mm, lovely. - Yes, Lindisfarne. We'll gloss over that.

But then we've also got... (CLEARS THROAT) ...the main man.

The man we have lined up for you, he is the lead singer

of the biggest rock band in the world, AC/DC.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!

(CHEERING)

- There he is! - RICHARD: There he is!

There he is! Here he comes!

What are we gonna talk to him about?

- Well, he's taken up motor racing. - Yeah.

- He's got a new TV show. - Yes, on the road.

JEREMY: He's on the road.

JAMES: I'm gonna talk to him about being at the front

of the world's biggest rock band.

- Where is he? - He's Brian Johnson.

- Here he comes! - Oh, there he is!

- There he is. - The man himself. What a legend!

I can't... I've always wanted to meet him. I'm thrilled.

- Yeah. - That is a legend. Proper...

- Oh, hello. - Oh, hello.

- What? - Oh, my...

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, God!

(APPLAUSE)

- (MUMBLES) We killed him. - We've killed Brian Johnson.

That's...

OK.

Brian Johnson has been run over

by some people who think they are playing football.

But they're not. It's not football, is it?

Cos they don't use their feet.

That's not football.

That's just people dressing up.

(JEERING)

- That's... - We play football.

- We play football. - Yeah, with our feet.

- (JEERING CONTINUES) - We play football.

- MEN: Soccer! It's soccer! - What?!

It's not soccer! It's football that we play!

It's 6.75 billion people in the world call it football!

(JEERING CONTINUES)

You can moan and shout all you like.

The fact is, we're British and we edit this show,

and you'll just get cut out.

You will.

This is a rugby ball!

Look on the screen.

They're only playing

with the padding they were born with!

This is not a football!

They call it football.

(JEERING)

(CHANTING) USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

So...

Brian Johnson has been run over by erm...

...some supremely brave and talented footballers.

(CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

Er...

JAMES: Does that mean he's not coming on, then?

Well, James, he's been hammered

to the thickness of an envelope

and his spine is now a jigsaw, so that is a no.

- Fine. - (LAUGHTER)

Right, so what are we gonna do to fill the time?

I've got nothing.

We could get back

to our important marine biology work.

- Plan. Do it. - Yes, let's do that.

So when we left the action,

erm... I'd successfully

welded two cars to the seabed,

and that was good.

Yeah, and we pick up the action the next day,

as we go back to finish the job.

JEREMY: On our way to get the last car,

we stopped at the reef site

to make sure everything was OK.

Tom Daley!

(WHIMPERS)

I don't like it.

Oh. Oh.

And after a few moments in the water,

we discovered it wasn't.

Where the bloody hell are they? There's the buoy.

RICHARD: This is the wrong place.

JEREMY: Yes, that marks the spot.

They're just not here.

Why did we trust you to fix them in place?

- I didn't... Listen. - Of all people.

Well, I don't understand it,

cos I don't normally make a mess of...

Oh, you must have made a good job of it.

That's why they've gone!

There is evidence, or a lack of it,

to suggest you can't weld.

- Oh, shit. - Maybe a shark...

- Er... - What?

- What? - Look.

RICHARD: Oh, brilliant!

JAMES: How the hell did they do that, though?

JEREMY: You know this current that's whizzing us about?

RICHARD: Look at them! They're not gonna make a reef, are they?!

Well, maybe it could be

like a play area for the privileged.

RICHARD: Some rusty cars?

JEREMY: That doesn't work, does it?

OTHERS: No.

Obviously, we had to retrieve them,

which meant moving the raft

to the stern of our crane boat.

RICHARD: James, have you untied that end?

Yeah. Get ready to catch this rope. Here we go.

Pull it along a bit and get it sort of squared up.

I'll have a nice ride.

RICHARD: Right. Repositioning raft.

(CREAKING)

That's a reassuring noise.

RICHARD: Er... Where... Where's that come from?

James. James.

- What? - What's that doing over there?

What's what doing?

All this bamboo's come off.

What have you untied?

I've untied the piece of string at the front.

But, look, half the craft is disappearing.

JAMES: As the raft was disintegrating fast,

we had to get it to shore quickly.

JEREMY: Firing up the machine!

Sadly, though, Jeremy's turn of speed

only made things worse.

Power! Power! Come on!

Slow down!

It's falling apart!

RICHARD: Look, he's going down! JAMES: Slow down!

Slow! (YELLS)

RICHARD: You can't put cars on that, can you?

JEREMY: After we'd rescued James,

he stupidly suggested that, to solve the problem,

we should ruin everyone's holiday.

(ENGINE REVVING)

I think these people should move out of the way.

My plan was to tow the cars off the beach

and back to the harbour so we could start again.

Which meant I'd need the help of the man from Atlantis.

Hold my hand! There! There! There! Now, let me go.

Yeah, that's me. You have to let...

Oh, mind my arm! Let me go now. I'm fine.

I don't like it!

Move!

Hammond, tie both of them to this and give me a thumbs up.

If James gets those onto the road,

all the way back up to the harbour,

build another raft, get them loaded on...

...bring them back, it's gonna take days.

- OK. - Don't stand near the back.

The brakes don't work.

Yeah!

- Well, now what? - That was rubbish.

I then said we should use my brilliant boat

to tow the cars back to the reef site,

which would be quicker and easier.

JEREMY: They're in the water!

(YELLS)

Ha-ha! Power!

Power! Come on!

Yes!

Eat my boat, James May!

Come on!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Victory is the boat's!

James May's hopeless plan...

What was that?

With two rusty Peugeots in his swimming area

and his beach furniture in ruins,

the hotel manager had had enough

and ordered us to leave.

We'd now lost four cars, a boat and our raft.

But on the plus side, we still had one car left,

and most importantly, the crane boat.

But that night, there was bad news.

The man who owns it is not best pleased with us.

- Because? - He has off-hired it.

- We've not got the crane boat? - No.

- That was the most useful thing we had. - Yeah.

So what can we possibly do with a Land Rover?

JAMES: Well... RICHARD: Well, what?

If I can be positive...

The Land Rover's largely aluminium,

which is actually even better for creating a reef.

- True. - But it's on the land!

Yes, it is true. The Land Rover is--

It's irrelevant. We've lost everything else.

Yes, but it's good if...

I've had a brainwave.

Oh, God.

JEREMY: And so, the next morning,

the people of Barbados were treated

to the magnificent spectacle

of a Land Rover gliding majestically

on a bed of inner tubes

across the Caribbean Sea.

Here we are on our final car, and it's a classic.

It's a Series I Land Rover.

No, it's a Series II.

It's a Series I. The lights are close together.

No, it's got the barrel rolls on the doors.

It's a Series II.

- That makes it a Series II? - Yeah.

I thought Series IIs had the lights angled.

I think we're getting stuck on this.

- It's a Land Rover. - It's an old Land Rover.

The good thing about it is

it corrodes much less quickly than the steel car.

We've also glued these limestone tiles to it,

because porous limestone is the perfect base, foundation,

for coral to start a reef.

This is a coral-reef-making machine.

In fact, the only fly in the ointment

was its propulsion system.

- Can I go a bit faster? - OTHERS: No!

RICHARD: It's filling with water the faster you go.

We'll sink it in the wrong place.

This is our last car, our last chance.

They're bleating on. "Oh, don't go too fast!"

RICHARD: You're going faster again, Jeremy!

You're pulling it under!

Relax!

JAMES: Am I the same species as that?

RICHARD: No.

Jeremy, don't sink it

before we get there!

Mother of God! Have you seen that?

- What? - Guys, look!

RICHARD: Oh, my God! JEREMY: Holy cow! Look at it!

RICHARD: That is phenomenal!

JEREMY: Yeah! Racing!

Jeremy, you're going to sink us! Don't race it!

Catch the... Oh, I haven't got time for these two.

Right. Let's go catch that sailing boat!

Oh, brilliant!

Watch this, sunshine.

That is the fastest thing I've...

Why is it faster than me?

They're so good, breeze is beating brake horsepower.

I cannot keep up with it.

RICHARD: When do we drink our own urine?

Look at that thing now!

Bloody Nora!

That is just... fabulous!

I could have buzzed around this amazing machine all day,

but there was still important environmental work to do.

So, reluctantly, I broke off

to rejoin my stranded colleagues.

- Are you all right? - Well, no!

We've just been left to drift in a Land Rover!

Fortunately for you, none of these ceramic tiles is loose,

otherwise I'd chuck it at your head.

Do you know, I think it actually handles better

than it does on land.

Soon, we will reach the reef site,

puncture the inner tubes, the Land Rover will sink,

and it will become a safe haven for cod

and haddock and...bream.

Eventually, we reached the site

and said about scuttling our reef machine.

JEREMY: Fire!

JAMES: Yes! JEREMY: Yes!

JEREMY: Here we go!

Down! Sink!

JAMES: Whoo!

In truth, all great environmental projects

are beset with problems.

And ours, through no fault of our own, except James's,

was no exception.

Save it! Stop!

(YELLS)

So, in the end, our new reef

wasn't quite as spectacular as we'd hoped.

But it was a start,

and one day it'll be the core of something

a thousand miles long--

a new and beautiful home

for the cod and the haddock of the Caribbean.

- (CHEERING) - Thank you so much.

And a very big thank you to the government of Barbados

for helping us with that film.

And we'd just like to say no coral was damaged

while we were building our reef.

No. Or, if we're perfectly honest, created.

However, we came back with a brilliant idea.

You see, we liked it in the Caribbean.

Our crews liked it in the Caribbean.

So we thought it would be a good idea, next week,

to make a film

comparing the motoring cultures of the French,

the Dutch and the British Islands.

- Yeah, it was a great idea. - Brilliant idea.

But Mr Wilman, our producer,

he decided it wasn't a brilliant idea,

and that, instead,

we should go to northern France with three old cars

- and drive around in the rain. - (LAUGHTER)

So that's what we're actually doing.

And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.

Thank you for coming. See you soon. Take care.

- RICHARD: See you next time. - (CHEERING)