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1
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,555
Since you're
in beach buggies,
2
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,391
you will now drive
to the beach
3
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,093
at the northernmost point
4
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:27,161
of Namibia,
where it meets Angola.
5
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:30,264
It's 1,000 miles away.
6
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,100
RICHARD: We have
got to find this road.
7
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:35,636
This is not gonna be
too clever in the dark.
8
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:39,540
Listen. I shall find
the Southern Cross.
9
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:42,110
RICHARD:
Oh, this is a bad idea!
10
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,677
We are now trusting
our lives
11
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:46,147
to an orangutang who
thinks he's Patrick Moore.
12
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,950
JAMES:
24 hours of cold, misery,
13
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:52,120
to achieve exactly nothing.
14
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,655
I mean,
it is exactly nothing.
15
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,825
RICHARD: Oh, it's coming in!
16
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,161
(JEREMY YELLS)
17
00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:02,630
This is the best desert
I've ever been to.
18
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,565
Holy shit!
19
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,800
RICHARD: Oh!
20
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,836
(YELLS)
21
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:13,141
JEREMY: What it actually
is is a big, orange
killing engine.
22
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:15,042
- Jesus!
- (LAUGHS)
23
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,478
RICHARD:
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
24
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,681
Please make it! Please!
25
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:28,289
Just need to find a road now.
This is not funny any more.
26
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,191
I don't want another night
in the desert.
27
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,460
Oh, my God.
28
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,528
I could go east,
I could go west.
29
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,730
RICHARD: Whichever way
you go, it goes somewhere.
30
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:40,401
Yes! It is the road
to freedom.
31
00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:41,269
(THUD)
32
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,870
What the hell was that?
33
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:50,811
What I'm driving here,
or attempting to drive,
is Apollo 13.
34
00:01:56,784 --> 00:02:01,889
JEREMY: It was morning
by the time I nursed
my wounded car into Windhoek,
35
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:05,092
and my well-rested colleagues
were full of admiration
36
00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:07,328
for how I'd pulled off
such a feat.
37
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,731
-Is that the first thing
you thought of?
- What?
38
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,201
Tear a hole in it.
What's that gonna do?
39
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:16,737
I needed to get to the bleed
valve on the radiator,
which is there.
40
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,773
- Is it?
- And, to make life
doubly difficult...
41
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,277
...I trod on my spectacles.
42
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,678
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
43
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,647
That is tragic,
trying to fix it with one lens.
44
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:30,684
I was trying to fix it.
And the only eye
I can close is this eye.
45
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,321
-You can't close
your left eye?
-I can't close my left eye.
46
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:37,391
Why didn't you put them on
upside down? You'd have
the lens over the other eye.
47
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,495
That is logic there.
48
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,631
- Oh, yeah.
- (LAUGHS)
49
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,400
- Come on, let's go.
We've got a lot to do.
- JEREMY: No!
50
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,602
The one thing we have
established now is that,
51
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,371
with the exception
of Windhoek,
52
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:55,243
which is the capital,
Namibia is a tough
and arduous place.
53
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:56,977
- Yeah.
- Have you bought maps?
54
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:59,747
- No.
- Have you got tenting
equipment of any sort?
55
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:03,284
Have you got somewhere
to sleep other than
the desert floor? No.
56
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:06,354
So why don't we, today,
get prepared
57
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:09,723
for the next leg of the -
big leg of the journey?
58
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:12,426
- That is a good idea.
We'll do that.
- That's not a bad idea.
59
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:15,863
We'll grant ourselves
a day of... shopping. Mm.
60
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:19,700
First of all,
would you permit me
to chisel some of the cheddar
61
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,135
that has grown
in my underpants away?
62
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,604
Well, not here.
63
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:27,608
JEREMY: Having de-cheesed
my body parts,
64
00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:31,512
we headed out to get
the necessary supplies.
65
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,981
RICHARD:
The thing is, if we go mesh,
66
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,817
it'll keep the sun off
but it won't keep
the light out.
67
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,287
That will wake us up early.
That's 1.5 kilograms. But--
68
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:43,524
Hammond, the first thing
you need to know before we
start shopping in here
69
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:46,026
is James and I are in charge.
70
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,028
- RICHARD: Well...
- JAMES: Sorry, he's right.
71
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,163
No, you're not.
You don't know anything
about camping.
72
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,300
- JAMES, JEREMY: Exactly.
- How does that make you
in charge?
73
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,368
Because we know
it's all terrible.
74
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:58,005
If we leave it to you,
we'll all end up sleeping
in small green triangles.
75
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,441
The camping you know about
is in the Lake District,
76
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:03,210
where you deliberately
make yourself miserable.
77
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,312
I'm sorry, he's right.
78
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:07,381
It is possible, I think,
79
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,650
with a bit of ingenuity
and money,
80
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,452
to make tenting bearable.
81
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,689
JEREMY: Richard Baden-Hammond
disagreed,
82
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,492
so we went our separate ways.
83
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,394
Correct, incorrect.
84
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,029
- Exactly.
- Do you agree?
85
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,797
- But I'd go even
more correct.
- Oh, yes!
86
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:27,801
Perfect. Roll it out
on the desert floor...
87
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,338
...you're home.
88
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,440
Oh, James! Le Creuset!
89
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:35,843
See, Hammond would hate this,
because this weighs
more than a tent.
90
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,045
- Which it does, actually.
- A lot more.
91
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,449
- And it weighs more
because it is a quality item.
- Exactly.
92
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,784
Pocket trowel.
93
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:44,885
Pocket soap.
94
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,355
Here we go.
95
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:50,424
- Pasta spoon.
- Yeah, good idea.
96
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,461
I find that bottle opener
a bit... lightweight.
97
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,363
Yeah, more expensive
is what we're looking for.
98
00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:57,197
You see, look at this, James.
99
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,833
This is the sort of thing
Hammond would think
is a chair.
100
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:05,072
Ooh! That's all you need.
That's your whole... stove.
101
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,640
That's it.
102
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,909
- Is it gas? It is, isn't it?
- I presume so.
103
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:12,546
For two, you could get
a small chicken in there,
or... a pheasant.
104
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,548
We're getting there now.
105
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,552
So that folds down to that.
106
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,791
Yeah.
107
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:28,829
JEREMY: The next morning,
we headed out once more,
108
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:31,599
with the camping gear
James and I had bought
109
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,066
bringing up the rear.
110
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,440
And besides stocking up
with essentials,
111
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:45,813
Hammond and I had used
our day off in Windhoek
to modify our cars.
112
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:49,417
To solve
my overheating problems,
I've fitted a ram-air scoop,
113
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:54,221
which shovels refreshing,
cooling air into the radiator
as I go along.
114
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,459
And, as you may have noticed,
I've fitted a spoiler.
115
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,732
My only complaint, really,
about my beach buggy
116
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,968
was its lack of performance
in third and fourth gears.
117
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,538
Couldn't up power
from the engine and I don't
want to stress it,
118
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,440
so I could lighten it.
119
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,943
I've stripped away
the superstructure here
and the passenger seat,
120
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,911
anything spare.
121
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:23,751
That means this car
is 30-40 kilos lighter
than it was before.
122
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:28,188
Jeremy, why has your car
sprouted a green moustache?
123
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:31,959
JEREMY: Well, it's a spoiler
for added downforce
at the front end,
124
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,628
which you need
in a rear-engine vehicle.
125
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,831
This thing will be unbelievable
through the corners now,
126
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,066
it really will.
127
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,167
Like a 911.
128
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:42,836
And I tell you what,
129
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,838
even with your new
lightweight buggy,
130
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:48,542
you're no match for what
I've got here this morning.
131
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:51,344
Yeah, I'm sorry, mate.
This is quicker.
132
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,814
- It is not.
- It is.
133
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:57,084
Right, Richard Hammond,
I challenge you to a race.
134
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,753
OK, you're on. Idiot.
135
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:02,756
JEREMY: We shall find a race
track and we shall do racing.
136
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,225
Well, you carry on.
I'm not doing any racing.
137
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,495
That's utterly pointless.
138
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,098
JEREMY:
On the outskirts of the city,
139
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,300
we found a rather
excellent circuit
140
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,603
where we could do timed laps,
141
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:19,006
and James could try out
his new vacuum cleaner.
142
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,140
(VACUUM WHIRS)
143
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,509
JAMES: Oh, yes.
144
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:25,746
- Are you ready?
- No.
145
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,649
- Why not?
- Temperatures and pressures.
146
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,918
This is a racing machine.
Look at it.
147
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,554
It's a plastic beach buggy
parked near a V8.
148
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,523
- With aero.
- Really?
149
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,090
- In...
- (REVVING)
150
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,527
...three, two, one, go!
151
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,595
(REVVING STOPS)
152
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,163
Yeah,
I'm gonna do it in gear.
153
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,298
- Give it a shot.
- I'm gonna try that.
154
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,100
- In--
- No! Throttle's jammed.
155
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,237
Yes. (STAMMERS)
156
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,371
- Jammed.
- In--
157
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,340
No! You can keep saying "in"
158
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,875
till the cows come home.
The throttle...
159
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,077
(VACUUMING, JAMES HUMS TUNES)
160
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,850
- (REVVING)
- Three, two, one, begin!
161
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,052
(BOTH YELL)
162
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,225
Why... Why have you stopped?
163
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:13,561
Ah. Well, erm...
164
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,663
(ENGINE STOPS)
165
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,931
The throttle
may have gone a bit open.
166
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,333
(IGNITION FAILS)
167
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,569
Yeah.
168
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,704
My throttle
is totally broken.
169
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,706
- Anyway, Hammond...
- Yeah?
170
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:28,876
Any car which can wheelie
off the line...
171
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,579
is going to be able to beat
yours, and would have done.
172
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:32,980
So... Sorry.
173
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,748
You're saying
because your car started,
174
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,684
well, 50 yards away
over there,
175
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,719
wheelied, was uncontrollable,
slammed back down
176
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,954
and broke itself,
it's the best on the track?
177
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,389
JEREMY: Yes.
178
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,258
Well, much learned.
Really useful.
Glad we did it.
179
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:52,399
RICHARD: With Jeremy's
endlessly troublesome car
fixed again,
180
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:56,069
we scooped up James' Dyson
and continued northwards
181
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:59,640
towards the finish line
at the border with Angola.
182
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:06,847
The going was smooth and easy
and eerily quiet,
183
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,249
which begged a question.
184
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:14,321
Now, apparently, Namibia
is the most dangerous place
in the world to drive.
185
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,890
There are more accidents
per head then anywhere else,
186
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:19,727
and car accidents are
the first
187
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:23,130
and most common cause
of death in young adults.
188
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,499
How? How can that be so?
189
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,936
I mean... the place is empty.
190
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:38,779
In Britain,
there are 250-260 people
for every square kilometre.
191
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,114
Here... it's two.
192
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,051
Two!
193
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:47,320
This makes the Australian
outback look like Monaco.
194
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,857
Monkey! Monkey!
195
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:53,060
Huge anus! Did you see
that thing's anus?
196
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,497
JAMES:
I, however, was not thinking
197
00:09:57,564 --> 00:10:00,834
about population statistics
or monkeys' bottoms.
198
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,737
I was just happy
to be on a smooth surface
199
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:07,040
in a car that wasn't filled
with dust.
200
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,642
I shall relax...
201
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,979
...with the lovely view.
202
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:16,616
Sadly, though,
a few miles later...
203
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:17,985
(RATTLING)
204
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,588
Ow! Ow! Oh, my nuts! Ow!
205
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,323
(GROANS)
206
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,492
(GROANS)
207
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,060
Stop it!
208
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,595
Ow! Ow! Agh!
209
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,230
James May?
210
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,900
Yes, I can hear you,
but it's very uncomfortable
211
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,102
and my car has...
has cut out.
212
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,143
JAMES: Ow!
213
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:45,212
JEREMY:
Mercifully for James,
214
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,214
we eventually arrived
at a game reserve,
215
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,050
which we decided
would be an ideal place
216
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:53,053
to set up camp
for the night.
217
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,322
- (UNZIPPING)
- RICHARD: Right.
218
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,890
(CHUCKLES)
219
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,527
That's what we need.
220
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:03,864
JEREMY: As Hammond
built his canvas hovel...
221
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:10,771
...James and I were looking
forward to a more civilised
evening
222
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:12,139
in the tents we'd bought,
223
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:14,007
and which had been erected
224
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,844
by the butler
we'd also bought.
225
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,747
JAMES:
Thank you, Giovanni.
226
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:23,751
Tuck your shirt in, man!
It's not a bloody caravan site.
227
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:26,219
Erm...
I'm just thinking, dinner.
228
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,221
Mm. Do you mind
if I get changed?
229
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,991
- No, exactly.
I'm gonna have a shower.
- Mm.
230
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,794
- Or I may have
a bath, actually.
- Why not?
231
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,163
Giovanni,
could you run the baths?
232
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,775
JEREMY: Apparently,
this place has got oysters.
233
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:50,510
- Really? Here?
- Yeah. I know,
it's extraordinary.
234
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:51,945
Who knew?
235
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,881
Are you coming
for some dinner?
236
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:56,316
RICHARD: What do you mean,
"Coming for dinner"?
I'm cooking here.
237
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:57,785
There's a restaurant
just down there.
238
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,252
- A restaurant?
- Yeah, just down there.
239
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,221
I don't want to go.
240
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,990
I'm cooking this.
I'm doing it properly, camping.
241
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,691
- Well, come and--
- I'll join you after dinner.
242
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,126
JEREMY: Whatever.
243
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,560
JAMES: He's such a peasant,
isn't he?
244
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,029
JEREMY:
It's just unbelievable.
245
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,530
(METALLIC CLANGING)
246
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:11,932
JEREMY: That evening
in the restaurant,
247
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,967
Hammond never did join us.
248
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,370
But James and I were not
short of company.
249
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:21,141
Oh, look, there's rhinos!
There's actual rhinos!
250
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,676
And they've been dehorned.
251
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:24,812
They've had to take
its horn out
252
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,047
to stop poachers shooting it.
253
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:29,950
But you know what
the poachers are doing?
254
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,551
They shoot the dehorned ones,
255
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:34,855
because if they track for
a couple of days, a rhino,
256
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,656
and then it's got no horn,
they shoot it,
257
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:40,193
and then they'll never
track it again,
so it saves time.
258
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,930
Do you know how much you get
for a rhino horn now?
259
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,598
- On the... On the market?
- Yeah, in Vietnam.
260
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,834
I'm guessing it's a lot.
261
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,636
$320,000.
262
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:52,339
- So that's more expensive
than gold.
- Good God.
263
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:56,109
Even the nub that's left
that he's got is still worth,
264
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,710
I don't know,
thousands of dollars.
265
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,913
I was gonna say, no matter
how carefully you dehorn it,
266
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:03,016
there's still horn
going down into its nose.
267
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:07,254
- JEREMY: That's such
a tragedy, that, you know.
- JAMES: Yeah.
268
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,489
I want to do something
about this while we're here.
269
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,424
I'm sure we could come up
with something.
270
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,427
I'm sure we could.
271
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,197
♫♫
272
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,708
RICHARD:
The next morning, I woke
to find I'd been recruited
273
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:33,446
into the Clarkson and May
Rhino Protection Squad.
274
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,715
They were even convinced
that our beach buggies
275
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:40,587
would be ideal
for tracking the poachers.
276
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,756
I can't deny,
they do have a point
about the whole rhino thing.
277
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,358
It is ridiculous.
278
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,761
Two rhinos killed every day
in Africa by poachers,
279
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:53,566
and then sold to a market
that believes it's a cure
for cancer,
280
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,568
impotence, even hangovers.
281
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,472
But are we necessarily
the right men
282
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,609
to tackle it head-on
in the field?
283
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,279
Ow! (YELLS)
284
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,216
Wouldn't we be better just
popping a £1 coin in a jar
285
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:13,486
and letting somebody who
knows what they're doing
solve it?
286
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,288
Well, I've got
a tranquilizer gun
287
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,925
from the place where
we were last night, but...
288
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,128
...I can't see anyone
to shoot.
289
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:28,635
JEREMY: Figuring
that the poachers probably
didn't use the main road,
290
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,838
we went off
to look in the bush.
291
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,606
JAMES:
What about over there?
292
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,410
RICHARD:
No poachers.
293
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:40,981
Tyre marks.
294
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,583
It may be some poacher.
295
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:44,784
Oh, no, wait.
296
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,087
BF Goodriches.
This is James May.
297
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,359
RICHARD:
Just so you know,
this is stupid.
298
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,427
JEREMY:
What's stupid?
299
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,729
RICHARD: How would you
recognise a poacher
when you saw one?
300
00:14:56,796 --> 00:15:00,167
- And when you find one,
what are you gonna do?
- Shoot him.
301
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,969
All we're doing
on our journey
302
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,737
is driving
three beach buggies
to the Angolan border.
303
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,773
- Yeah.
- Which doesn't further
the cause of humanity.
304
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,508
- JAMES: Exactly.
- RICHARD: And this does,
does it?
305
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,745
We've got a day, Hammond.
Give us 24 hours.
306
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:16,516
24 hours. Then, I promise,
we'll get back on the road.
307
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,690
JEREMY: Once our sceptical
colleague had agreed,
308
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,725
I decided to change tack,
309
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:29,196
abandon the cars
and search from the air,
310
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,699
using some beach-front
parasailing equipment.
311
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,336
- Jeremy?
- Yes?
312
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,272
If we don't make it,
please know that I hate you.
313
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,642
There's not a breath of wind,
so don't be stupid.
314
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,612
Oh, my parachute's been...
315
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,016
- Oh, hello!
- RICHARD: Goodbye.
316
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,484
- (JEREMY YELLS)
- RICHARD: Shit!
317
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:57,390
RICHARD:
That's not worked at all.
318
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,926
JEREMY: OK. Right,
I'm not gonna do that.
319
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:03,396
Clearly, my solution
was too dangerous for us,
320
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,099
so we sent Giovanni up
instead.
321
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,468
(FAINT YELLING)
322
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,637
Look, he's going over there.
He's gonna crash and die.
323
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:14,041
- No, he's been blown
a bit sideways but--
- And downwards.
324
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:16,643
(YELLING CONTINUES)
325
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,345
He didn't sign up for this,
did he?
326
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,150
JEREMY: Giovanni failed
to spot any poachers,
327
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,252
so we told him
to stop messing about
328
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,920
and get back to camp
to pour some drinks,
329
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:31,091
whilst we had a rethink.
330
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,960
Everything we've tried
has gone wrong.
331
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:36,563
So let's accept it now
and move on.
332
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,964
We can go.
333
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,366
No.
334
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:43,536
I think the poachers
only go out at night.
335
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,072
Oh, for God's sake.
336
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,739
We'll let the sun set,
337
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,608
get some tactical kit.
338
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,811
- Rifles.
- Come on, Hammond.
339
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:54,481
You gave us 24 hours before
you took our guns and badges.
340
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,416
- JAMES: He did.
- RICHARD: OK.
341
00:16:56,483 --> 00:17:00,387
I think a couple more beers,
head out there.
342
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,921
I agree.
343
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,756
- Let it get dark.
Be patient.
- JEREMY: Yes.
344
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,359
- Hunters are patient,
aren't they?
- Exactly.
345
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,700
JEREMY:
Once darkness had fallen,
346
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:15,102
we got kitted out
347
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,204
with tranquilizer guns
and tactical kit
348
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,805
and headed
back into the bush
349
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:23,543
with a very unsure
Richard in tow.
350
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:25,478
I mean,
I'd like to stop poachers,
351
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:30,117
but out here at night, what
is the poacher-to-lion ratio?
352
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,119
What am I more likely
to find?
353
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,691
JEREMY: What you have to do
is look for rhino tracks,
354
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:42,162
cos that's what the poachers
will be following.
355
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,813
Literally the most manly
thing I've ever done.
356
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,916
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Grand Tour for men,
splashing all over.
357
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,485
- (GUN FIRES)
- RICHARD: Ow!
358
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:08,855
- JEREMY: Bloody hell!
- RICHARD: You stupid bastards!
359
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,023
Someone's shot me!
360
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,059
RICHARD:
Hammond? Hammond?
361
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,427
Hammond?
362
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,329
JAMES:
Clarkson, you moron.
363
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,697
JEREMY:
Hammond?
364
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,177
Right, well,
I have to be honest,
365
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,379
yesterday was
a total waste of time.
366
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,514
We achieved nothing.
367
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:38,551
All we did achieve was
we seem to have wounded
Mr Hammond,
368
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,654
who er... well,
we couldn't wake him up
this morning at all.
369
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:44,757
And because
we needed to get going,
we've a long way to go,
370
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,359
we've had to improvise.
371
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,662
(HELICOPTER WHIRS)
372
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,871
Aaargh!
373
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,376
What the (BLEEP)?
374
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,846
What the (BLEEP) is this?
375
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,548
You bastards!
376
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,684
(YELLS)
377
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,954
JEREMY:
Back on the ground,
378
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:18,258
James and I had
our own problems.
379
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,360
- (RATTLING)
- Oh, God!
380
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,396
Ow! Ow!
381
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,902
This is very good
for the gravel rash
382
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:34,073
that I got... during my
parachute accident yesterday.
383
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,742
Oh, that hurts.
384
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,147
What we could really do with
is a rain shower
385
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:43,550
to dampen this dust down.
386
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,718
JAMES:
I think it's unlikely.
387
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,456
Yeah, there's no evidence
that rain is on its way,
I would say.
388
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:53,693
JEREMY: Soon,
word came over the radio
389
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,396
that Hammond was on his way
to rejoin us...
390
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,334
...and that he wasn't
in the best of moods.
391
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,603
What was that?
392
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,973
(GRUNTS)
What was that about?
393
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,642
- We didn't want
to leave you behind.
- You wouldn't wake up.
394
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,478
No, obviously, you didn't
want to leave me behind,
395
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,079
so you did the logical thing,
396
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,648
which is suspend me from
a helicopter whilst asleep.
397
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,285
- Yes.
- Most people would arrive
at the same conclusion.
398
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,587
No, you didn't!
You were having a laugh!
399
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,655
Do you realise how rough
the first road was
400
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,457
that you haven't had
to drive on?
401
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,626
And you got a helicopter
ride, which we haven't had.
402
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,761
You wouldn't be laughing
and sniggering so much
403
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,398
if I'd fallen out of that
thing, as I could have done.
404
00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:33,132
Well, it wouldn't be funny.
405
00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:34,434
No, it just wouldn't be
interesting.
406
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,703
(JEREMY SNIGGERS)
407
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,642
JEREMY: With the
rhino fiasco behind us,
408
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,811
we got back to
the job in hand...
409
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,781
...which was to reach
the Angolan border,
410
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,783
and therefore prove that
beach buggies
411
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,185
are brilliant
go-anywhere machines
412
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,588
and not just frivolous toys.
413
00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:01,994
Today, however, that theory
would be seriously tested.
414
00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:07,334
Oh, for God's sake!
415
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,901
(GROANS)
416
00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,338
(GROANS) Ow!
417
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,375
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
418
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:21,047
Ow! Christ on a bike!
419
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:24,917
I hate to admit this,
but I'm jealous of Hammond.
420
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:29,121
I wish I'd fitted
that suspension on my car.
421
00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:33,793
How is this car gonna stand up
to this punishment all day?
422
00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:38,498
Well, since it had been
designed by me
423
00:21:38,565 --> 00:21:41,133
and made from
40-year-old components,
424
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,936
the answer
was depressingly predictable.
425
00:21:46,373 --> 00:21:49,809
The alternator, as you can
see, has come off its hinge.
426
00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:52,979
The bolt's supposed to go in
there and it's just come off.
427
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:56,883
And the bolt, well,
that's somewhere back there,
100 miles.
428
00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:07,226
So, my alternator is now
held on with a screwdriver
429
00:22:07,293 --> 00:22:09,496
that I've hammered
into place.
430
00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:11,964
And we're running well.
431
00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:19,572
Oh. I don't know what
I'm gonna do about it,
432
00:22:19,639 --> 00:22:21,908
but I don't have
a fan belt on there.
433
00:22:25,111 --> 00:22:27,179
I've got a problem.
434
00:22:27,246 --> 00:22:31,618
(SIGHS) Another five miles,
another fan belt.
435
00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:33,920
I'm gonna need
a pair of tights.
436
00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:38,658
And it wasn't just me.
437
00:22:38,725 --> 00:22:42,094
I've been through
all of that, all of that,
the ignition cut-out switch.
438
00:22:42,161 --> 00:22:44,096
I've got some weird gremlin.
439
00:22:44,163 --> 00:22:47,434
JEREMY: This road is just
shaking these cars to pieces.
440
00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:53,440
JAMES: Naturally, Jeremy
decided that the only way
441
00:22:53,473 --> 00:22:55,442
of keeping his car
in one piece
442
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:58,210
was to drive very quickly.
443
00:22:58,277 --> 00:23:02,281
My optimum speed
is 2,800 rpm,
444
00:23:02,348 --> 00:23:04,651
that being my only dial,
really.
445
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:07,720
That way, I'm skipping
over the top of the ridges.
446
00:23:09,255 --> 00:23:11,524
Unfortunately, at this speed,
447
00:23:11,591 --> 00:23:13,860
my V8 was emptying
the petrol tank
448
00:23:13,926 --> 00:23:16,128
every 31 miles.
449
00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:19,466
And one of the items
we'd forgotten to buy
at the camping shop
450
00:23:19,532 --> 00:23:21,801
was a funnel.
451
00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:24,771
Right, wind's dropped.
Here we go.
452
00:23:24,837 --> 00:23:25,805
Drink!
453
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:29,476
(GROANS)
This is completely safe.
454
00:23:29,509 --> 00:23:32,479
Some of the petrol is...
Oh, my giddy aunt!
455
00:23:37,383 --> 00:23:39,952
The roads are getting worse.
456
00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:43,089
Even though
the going was appalling...
457
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:48,227
...the beach buggies,
amazingly,
458
00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:51,598
were, more or less,
still in one piece.
459
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:55,835
However, as the relentless
pounding wore on,
460
00:23:55,902 --> 00:23:59,005
the same could not be said
of James.
461
00:23:59,071 --> 00:24:00,873
Agh!
462
00:24:04,243 --> 00:24:05,812
Oh, my God!
463
00:24:07,980 --> 00:24:10,517
Honestly, my bones
are going to shatter.
464
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:20,693
(GROANS)
465
00:24:23,095 --> 00:24:24,531
I've had enough of this.
466
00:24:27,233 --> 00:24:30,436
What I'm doing is
I'm trying to soften up
the front suspension,
467
00:24:30,537 --> 00:24:32,404
and I'm gonna soften
the tyres as well.
468
00:24:32,539 --> 00:24:34,073
I've done quite
a bit under here.
469
00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:37,043
Now I'm going to let a bit
of air out of the tyres.
470
00:24:37,109 --> 00:24:38,878
(AIR HISSES)
471
00:24:38,945 --> 00:24:41,614
JAMES:
This made a huge difference.
472
00:24:41,681 --> 00:24:43,149
(CLATTERING CONTINUES)
473
00:24:48,354 --> 00:24:49,889
This is rubbish!
474
00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:53,793
Stop!
475
00:24:56,629 --> 00:24:58,297
But it didn't stop.
476
00:24:58,364 --> 00:24:59,666
It went on...
477
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,168
...and on.
478
00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:06,573
That day, I did 350 miles,
479
00:25:06,606 --> 00:25:09,776
and every single one of them
was filled with pain,
480
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,811
dust and misery.
481
00:25:16,583 --> 00:25:18,450
And that's why ,
the following morning,
482
00:25:18,585 --> 00:25:21,688
I came up with
a radical plan.
483
00:25:21,754 --> 00:25:26,025
Don't drive on the road,
drive near it.
484
00:25:26,092 --> 00:25:27,694
I did a bit alongside
the road.
485
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,696
Admittedly
only half a kilometre,
486
00:25:29,762 --> 00:25:31,397
but it was bliss
by comparison.
487
00:25:31,463 --> 00:25:33,900
It was like driving on
a freshly resurfaced
Silverstone.
488
00:25:33,966 --> 00:25:36,135
We don't have to stray
miles from it.
489
00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:38,838
I agree, that would be
foolish, cos we could just
end up as skeletons.
490
00:25:38,905 --> 00:25:41,608
But, honestly,
it's agony in mine.
491
00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:45,277
I've got neck ache, headache.
I hate it.
492
00:25:45,344 --> 00:25:48,480
Right, I tell you what,
Hammond. I tell you
why I like his idea.
493
00:25:48,615 --> 00:25:53,185
If it is smooth off-road,
it's more comfortable for us.
494
00:25:53,252 --> 00:25:57,156
If it's hopeless out there,
we can blame him.
495
00:25:57,223 --> 00:25:58,190
Fair enough.
496
00:26:02,128 --> 00:26:03,730
JEREMY: With that settled,
we left the road
497
00:26:03,796 --> 00:26:06,966
and set out on Highway May.
498
00:26:10,302 --> 00:26:14,506
I'll give James one thing,
it is smoother than the road,
499
00:26:14,641 --> 00:26:17,944
but I am doing 3 mph.
500
00:26:18,010 --> 00:26:19,846
I mean, yeah,
I like off-roading, I do,
501
00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:24,050
but... this isn't exactly
quicker, is it?
502
00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:26,018
JEREMY:
Sadly, a short while later,
503
00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:29,021
we didn't even have smooth
going for us.
504
00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:32,324
Ow!
505
00:26:32,391 --> 00:26:33,793
(GROANS) Ow! Ow! Ow!
506
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:35,662
Oh, spiffing.
507
00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:40,232
(GROANS) James, I hope
you're happy with this.
508
00:26:40,299 --> 00:26:43,736
How bad must it have been
for him if this is better?
509
00:26:47,039 --> 00:26:51,043
Oh, God al-bloody-mighty!
What an idiot that man is!
510
00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,445
Yeah,
this is a lot less bumpy.
511
00:26:53,512 --> 00:26:54,747
Oh, Christ!
512
00:26:57,016 --> 00:26:58,517
Jesus!
513
00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:00,052
Is this better? Really?
514
00:27:03,690 --> 00:27:05,357
Stop moaning!
515
00:27:06,693 --> 00:27:08,695
(GRUNTS)
516
00:27:08,761 --> 00:27:13,465
JEREMY: Hammond, my entire
throttle assembly has
disintegrated.
517
00:27:13,532 --> 00:27:16,168
RICHARD: I can't see why.
I'm sure this is all
helping it.
518
00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:18,104
JEREMY: Perfectly
all right on the road.
519
00:27:18,170 --> 00:27:19,706
Yeah, I don't know why
more people
520
00:27:19,706 --> 00:27:22,709
don't drive their cars
on the road.
521
00:27:22,775 --> 00:27:25,211
Stop blaming your failures
on the scenery.
522
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:28,715
Every bone in his crotch...
523
00:27:28,748 --> 00:27:30,416
that's what I'm gonna break.
524
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,919
Every single one of them.
525
00:27:32,985 --> 00:27:35,421
And then,
if it were at all possible,
526
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,990
May Tours got even worse.
527
00:27:39,859 --> 00:27:43,029
Oh! Oh, God! The dust! Agh!
528
00:27:43,095 --> 00:27:47,900
What is this Star Trek
special effect we've
arrived in?
529
00:27:50,136 --> 00:27:51,237
Oh, my God!
530
00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:57,009
I am swimming through dust.
I'm actually swimming in it.
531
00:27:59,746 --> 00:28:01,513
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
532
00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:04,817
JAMES: We had driven into
something called fesh fesh,
533
00:28:04,884 --> 00:28:07,754
a sand as fine
as talcum powder.
534
00:28:07,787 --> 00:28:09,756
Oh, shite!
535
00:28:09,822 --> 00:28:13,292
And this had made Ali G
even more cross.
536
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:15,895
(REVVING)
537
00:28:15,962 --> 00:28:18,765
I can't see a bloody thing
now. I've got to...
538
00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:21,801
I can't even find James May
to kill him.
539
00:28:23,235 --> 00:28:26,305
(GROANS)
540
00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:30,142
JEREMY:
OK, the engine's boiling
and I'm stuck.
541
00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:32,411
All my electrics
have gone haywire
542
00:28:32,478 --> 00:28:34,981
My... It's still trying
to turn the motor over.
The battery's dead.
543
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:36,783
Are you stuck, James?
544
00:28:36,816 --> 00:28:38,985
Er... (COUGHING FIT)
545
00:28:40,953 --> 00:28:42,588
(COUGHING)
I think I'm stuck.
546
00:28:42,654 --> 00:28:44,690
Well done, James.
547
00:28:44,791 --> 00:28:46,492
Improved our lot no end.
548
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:48,294
So the situation is...
549
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,930
Hammond has broken his car,
you're stuck,
550
00:28:50,997 --> 00:28:53,065
and mine's overheated.
551
00:28:53,132 --> 00:28:56,969
Are we going to say, James,
that your idea was stupid?
552
00:28:58,370 --> 00:28:59,471
It was stupid.
553
00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:06,078
JEREMY:
With even Sergeant Stubborn
admitting defeat,
554
00:29:06,145 --> 00:29:08,414
it was time
to throw in the towel.
555
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:12,518
So we got ourselves sorted
out, got a wash in the river
556
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:16,388
and headed back to the road.
557
00:29:16,455 --> 00:29:19,291
There you go.
Freshly ironed linen shirt
558
00:29:19,358 --> 00:29:23,830
with epaulettes
that matches my beach buggy.
559
00:29:23,830 --> 00:29:25,297
Ironed by Giovanni.
560
00:29:28,534 --> 00:29:30,002
Despite everything,
561
00:29:30,069 --> 00:29:33,639
our beach buggies
had covered 750 miles
562
00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:35,842
of our 1,000-mile journey,
563
00:29:35,908 --> 00:29:38,510
and we were now well
into the tribal regions
564
00:29:38,577 --> 00:29:40,112
of northern Namibia...
565
00:29:41,848 --> 00:29:44,350
...which is
picture-book Africa.
566
00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:49,856
Well, this is all a bit
too beautiful for words
along here.
567
00:29:49,889 --> 00:29:51,891
Look at this.
568
00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:53,993
Tribal Namibia, I like it.
569
00:30:01,868 --> 00:30:04,336
Where we are now,
it's genuinely...
570
00:30:04,403 --> 00:30:08,374
Well, what would you say,
"unspoiled"? Yeah.
571
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,709
People do live the lives
572
00:30:10,776 --> 00:30:13,145
they've led here
for thousands of years.
573
00:30:16,248 --> 00:30:17,016
Oh, no!
574
00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:20,853
Oh, no! I'm dying!
575
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,589
Annoyingly,
the James May excursion
576
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:26,325
had caused more damage
than I'd realised.
577
00:30:27,293 --> 00:30:29,929
Oh, now this is stuck on.
578
00:30:29,996 --> 00:30:31,663
Oh, bugger.
579
00:30:31,730 --> 00:30:34,800
Then, instead of the
breakdown-recovery service,
580
00:30:34,867 --> 00:30:37,403
some topless ladies
arrived...
581
00:30:37,469 --> 00:30:39,238
(SHRIEKING AND SINGING)
582
00:30:39,305 --> 00:30:40,772
RICHARD: Hello.
583
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:44,710
...which made knowing where
to look a bit difficult.
584
00:30:44,776 --> 00:30:45,945
Oh!
585
00:30:50,116 --> 00:30:52,018
Erm... Concentrate
on the job, Richard.
586
00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:56,455
This is unusual.
587
00:30:56,522 --> 00:30:58,524
I mean, normally
the AA would have done.
588
00:30:58,590 --> 00:31:00,526
(SINGING CONTINUES)
589
00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:01,627
Thank you!
590
00:31:02,962 --> 00:31:04,396
Very good.
591
00:31:04,463 --> 00:31:07,266
- (SINGING CONTINUES)
- Oh, there's more.
592
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:19,211
JEREMY:
I, too, was nursing wounds
as a result of May Tours.
593
00:31:19,278 --> 00:31:20,846
I do seem to have lost...
594
00:31:20,947 --> 00:31:22,481
(ENGINE CHUGS)
595
00:31:22,548 --> 00:31:24,150
...one of my cylinders
somehow.
596
00:31:24,216 --> 00:31:25,952
I'm driving a V7.
597
00:31:28,254 --> 00:31:31,723
Basically, this is now
Spitty Spitty Bang Bang.
598
00:31:31,790 --> 00:31:34,826
So, at the lunch stop,
Richard and I decided
599
00:31:34,961 --> 00:31:36,963
to get our revenge
on Mr May.
600
00:31:47,006 --> 00:31:48,607
Clarkson!
601
00:31:48,674 --> 00:31:49,976
What?
602
00:31:49,976 --> 00:31:51,643
You've put... Where's...
603
00:31:51,710 --> 00:31:54,146
That is disturbing.
604
00:31:54,213 --> 00:31:55,982
What's annoying is,
what have you done
605
00:31:55,982 --> 00:31:58,150
with my original
vintage VW gear knob?
606
00:31:58,217 --> 00:32:00,352
Ah, well, no,
good news on that.
607
00:32:00,419 --> 00:32:02,554
Giovanni has posted
your original gear lever
608
00:32:02,621 --> 00:32:04,023
back to your address
in London.
609
00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:05,691
- Has he?
- RICHARD: Special delivery.
610
00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:08,995
What is the matter with you?
That's really offensive.
611
00:32:08,995 --> 00:32:11,497
Well, I think that's
a bit sexist.
612
00:32:11,563 --> 00:32:14,366
No, it's not.
Why would I want to drive
with a rubber penis?
613
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:16,502
I don't know.
I think you're weird.
614
00:32:16,568 --> 00:32:17,669
(LAUGHTER)
615
00:32:22,008 --> 00:32:26,612
RICHARD: With our break over,
we got back on the road.
616
00:32:26,678 --> 00:32:30,082
For our American viewers,
James May is driving
a dick-shift.
617
00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:35,387
And it wasn't
just James's knob
618
00:32:35,454 --> 00:32:37,323
that was keeping us amused.
619
00:32:37,389 --> 00:32:39,591
There was something else
we'd learned over lunch
620
00:32:39,658 --> 00:32:41,760
that was even funnier.
621
00:32:41,827 --> 00:32:45,264
James May's fuel tank has
a hole in it, or it's split.
622
00:32:46,165 --> 00:32:48,034
He's driving a bomb.
623
00:32:50,236 --> 00:32:51,937
It's a tense moment, this.
624
00:32:52,038 --> 00:32:54,806
It's like the end of a
football match when it's 1-1.
625
00:32:54,873 --> 00:32:56,942
You're driving along,
you know he's gonna blow up,
626
00:32:57,043 --> 00:32:59,378
you just don't know when.
627
00:32:59,445 --> 00:33:01,347
RICHARD: It's not gonna
read well in the papers.
628
00:33:01,413 --> 00:33:05,284
"James May died
in an exploding beach buggy,
holding a rubber penis."
629
00:33:06,552 --> 00:33:08,520
Oh, shut up!
630
00:33:08,587 --> 00:33:09,688
Jeez!
631
00:33:15,361 --> 00:33:17,063
JAMES: Oh! In the face!
632
00:33:20,799 --> 00:33:23,535
JEREMY: Once James's
fuel tank had run low enough,
633
00:33:23,602 --> 00:33:25,337
we pulled over
in a small village
634
00:33:25,404 --> 00:33:27,706
so he could make
some repairs.
635
00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:34,580
Well, the wind's blowing
that way, so the fireball
will go up there.
636
00:33:34,646 --> 00:33:36,982
It'll be sudden, won't it,
when he goes?
637
00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:38,150
Yeah. It's "woompf."
638
00:33:38,217 --> 00:33:39,385
"Woompf,"
then a bit of quiet,
639
00:33:39,451 --> 00:33:41,120
and then...
as all bits come down.
640
00:33:41,187 --> 00:33:42,854
JEREMY: Yes.
641
00:33:42,921 --> 00:33:45,091
Here's the split
in the tank.
642
00:33:45,157 --> 00:33:47,826
- Apply this.
- Oh, hello!
643
00:33:47,893 --> 00:33:50,696
You know we've been saying how
bad the roads are, Hammond?
644
00:33:50,762 --> 00:33:52,331
Yes.
645
00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:55,734
They're bad enough to kill
an un-killable car.
646
00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:57,669
That's kind of
a terrifying sight,
isn't it?
647
00:33:57,736 --> 00:34:02,108
I know. I've never seen that
before in my life.
648
00:34:02,141 --> 00:34:04,810
A dead Toyota pickup truck.
649
00:34:06,612 --> 00:34:08,514
JEREMY:
With James's tank bodged,
650
00:34:08,580 --> 00:34:11,483
we knuckled down to getting
some miles under our belt.
651
00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,288
And for the rest of the day,
652
00:34:16,355 --> 00:34:19,658
the only person
with petrol issues was me.
653
00:34:24,930 --> 00:34:29,135
Right. Refuelled,
so I'm good now for 31 miles.
654
00:34:32,471 --> 00:34:35,207
By the end of the day,
we'd made good progress.
655
00:34:35,274 --> 00:34:37,143
And when we stopped
to make camp...
656
00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:39,978
Where the bloody hell's
Giovanni?
657
00:34:40,045 --> 00:34:43,515
...we were less than 100
miles from the finish line.
658
00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:46,285
So, after supper, we decided
to have a conversation -
659
00:34:46,352 --> 00:34:47,886
well, argument -
660
00:34:47,953 --> 00:34:51,523
about who'd built
the best beach buggy.
661
00:34:51,590 --> 00:34:55,661
The point is,
yours isn't a beach buggy.
662
00:34:55,727 --> 00:34:56,995
- My car?
- Yeah.
663
00:34:57,062 --> 00:34:58,530
Apart from having
a beach buggy's body
664
00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:01,167
and the beating,
pulsating heart
of a beach buggy,
665
00:35:01,233 --> 00:35:02,501
namely a Beetle engine.
666
00:35:02,568 --> 00:35:04,236
I look at yours and go,
667
00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:05,971
"That doesn't even look
like a beach buggy."
668
00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:08,274
It does and it is!
It's a beach buggy.
669
00:35:08,340 --> 00:35:10,309
Enhanced, but in the spirit
of beach buggying.
670
00:35:10,376 --> 00:35:13,912
- It isn't.
- Jeremy, yours is... a freak.
671
00:35:13,979 --> 00:35:17,048
Had it existed 100 years ago,
it would have been exhibited.
672
00:35:17,183 --> 00:35:20,819
People would come from miles
and children would peak at it
through curtains.
673
00:35:20,886 --> 00:35:22,388
"Oh, look at the monster!"
674
00:35:22,454 --> 00:35:23,589
The point is,
I have always loved
675
00:35:23,655 --> 00:35:25,257
the spirit of the beach buggy.
676
00:35:25,324 --> 00:35:27,926
I love the era that
created it and all of that.
677
00:35:27,993 --> 00:35:30,329
But the one thing
that's made me not like it
678
00:35:30,396 --> 00:35:32,864
is the engine reminds me
of Hitler.
679
00:35:32,931 --> 00:35:37,203
I have removed all of that
Hitler DNA from mine,
680
00:35:37,236 --> 00:35:39,205
fitted a bloody great V8.
681
00:35:39,205 --> 00:35:41,440
It's gone too far.
682
00:35:41,507 --> 00:35:44,476
- It's Frankenstein's buggy.
- JAMES: I can settle this.
683
00:35:44,543 --> 00:35:46,878
- Yours isn't
a proper beach buggy.
- It isn't.
684
00:35:46,945 --> 00:35:49,748
- But it's more of
a beach buggy than yours.
- Oh, rubbish!
685
00:35:49,815 --> 00:35:52,384
Because the true spirit
of the beach buggy
686
00:35:52,451 --> 00:35:54,386
is the Beetle floorpan
and engine, which his has.
687
00:35:54,453 --> 00:35:55,487
Yours doesn't have
the engine.
688
00:35:55,554 --> 00:35:56,588
Mine actually has everything.
689
00:35:56,655 --> 00:35:58,390
Mine is the proper beach buggy.
690
00:35:58,457 --> 00:36:00,459
- I'm sorry about this,
James, but...
- You're not.
691
00:36:00,526 --> 00:36:02,428
...your car was created
692
00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:04,630
by the swinging '60s
and endorsed by Steve McQueen,
693
00:36:04,696 --> 00:36:07,299
one of the coolest people
who ever lived,
694
00:36:07,366 --> 00:36:09,401
and yet, somehow,
you have managed
695
00:36:09,468 --> 00:36:11,237
to make
your beach buggy boring.
696
00:36:11,270 --> 00:36:12,904
- Rubbish
- It is a bit.
697
00:36:12,971 --> 00:36:15,073
- It is boring.
- It's a boring
firework display.
698
00:36:15,140 --> 00:36:18,344
- It is.
- It's boring
in that it works.
699
00:36:18,410 --> 00:36:19,678
- No, James.
- It doesn't work!
700
00:36:19,745 --> 00:36:21,380
The only thing
that has gone wrong
701
00:36:21,447 --> 00:36:23,515
is a small leak
in the petrol tank.
702
00:36:23,582 --> 00:36:25,584
Everything else about it
has constantly worked.
703
00:36:25,651 --> 00:36:27,519
Do you know, every time
I've overtaken you,
704
00:36:27,586 --> 00:36:29,321
I've looked and thought, "That's
dismal."
705
00:36:29,388 --> 00:36:31,623
It isn't. It has an elegance
and a purity.
706
00:36:31,690 --> 00:36:33,825
And when you say,
"You've never come past me,"
707
00:36:33,892 --> 00:36:37,062
I come past you
every 30 miles because
you've run out of fuel.
708
00:36:37,128 --> 00:36:41,400
It wheelies, the throttle
sticks, the alternator falls
off, bolts fall out of it.
709
00:36:41,467 --> 00:36:45,271
- It... The alternator...
- You've had to fit a wing
on it, which ruins the looks.
710
00:36:45,304 --> 00:36:47,038
It's not in the spirit
of the beach buggy,
711
00:36:47,105 --> 00:36:50,309
but of a man
desperately trying
to justify a terrible idea.
712
00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:52,744
- It was a brilliant idea!
- It doesn't work!
713
00:36:52,811 --> 00:36:54,380
I'm fairly conscious
right now
714
00:36:54,446 --> 00:36:56,515
your car is drinking the fuel
out of mine
715
00:36:56,582 --> 00:36:58,450
like a sort of
plastic vampire.
716
00:36:58,517 --> 00:37:00,986
Look, mine has been thirsty.
717
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:02,488
- Thirsty?
- Yes.
718
00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:04,122
JAMES: We continued arguing
719
00:37:04,189 --> 00:37:08,059
until Giovanni reminded us
it was time to go to bed.
720
00:37:08,126 --> 00:37:09,895
But I didn't go to bed,
721
00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:14,700
because I had business
to attend to.
722
00:37:14,766 --> 00:37:16,735
Right, Jeremy Clarkson
thinks he's being flamboyant,
723
00:37:16,802 --> 00:37:19,338
and he doesn't realise that
my knowledge of aerodynamics
724
00:37:19,405 --> 00:37:23,409
will trump his ability
to fit rubber penises
to people's cars.
725
00:37:41,026 --> 00:37:41,993
Shit!
726
00:37:47,366 --> 00:37:49,635
Hammond! Fire!
727
00:37:49,701 --> 00:37:51,470
Help!
728
00:37:51,537 --> 00:37:53,539
Hammond! Help!
729
00:37:58,710 --> 00:38:01,747
The next morning,
as we resumed our journey,
730
00:38:01,813 --> 00:38:04,350
I was feeling
rather philosophical.
731
00:38:05,751 --> 00:38:07,853
I once saw an old lady
fall over
732
00:38:07,919 --> 00:38:10,922
and drop her shopping bag
on the opposite side
of the road,
733
00:38:10,989 --> 00:38:12,624
and her shopping fell out.
734
00:38:12,691 --> 00:38:14,360
And amongst it
was an Easter egg,
735
00:38:14,393 --> 00:38:17,796
which I assume she bought for
a grandchild or something,
736
00:38:17,863 --> 00:38:20,566
and it rolled into the road
and got run over by a car.
737
00:38:20,632 --> 00:38:24,570
It was the most tragic thing
I've ever seen...
738
00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:27,539
until I saw the front
of my car this morning.
739
00:38:32,110 --> 00:38:35,747
JEREMY:
And it wasn't just the front
of his own car he'd ruined.
740
00:38:40,218 --> 00:38:44,623
I wouldn't mind,
but the rattling from James's
workmanship is appalling.
741
00:38:48,394 --> 00:38:52,030
Despite everything, though,
we were now almost there.
742
00:38:52,097 --> 00:38:54,966
Today, we would reach the
beach that marked the finish
743
00:38:55,033 --> 00:38:58,169
of what had been
a spectacular journey
744
00:38:58,236 --> 00:39:00,939
through
a spectacular country.
745
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:05,043
Oh!
746
00:39:05,110 --> 00:39:07,112
- That deserves a stabbing.
- (LAUGHTER)
747
00:39:09,214 --> 00:39:11,750
RICHARD: Oh, my God!
748
00:39:13,284 --> 00:39:14,453
Oh!
749
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:16,588
(SCREAMS)
750
00:39:19,024 --> 00:39:21,192
JEREMY: Oh, my...
751
00:39:21,259 --> 00:39:23,829
Giovanni,
could you run the baths?
752
00:39:23,895 --> 00:39:24,996
(YELLS)
753
00:39:27,132 --> 00:39:29,134
Aargh!
754
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,503
Help!
755
00:39:31,570 --> 00:39:34,906
JEREMY:
It really is an amazing part
of the world, this.
756
00:39:34,973 --> 00:39:38,810
But everything that makes it
amazing is harsh
757
00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:41,012
and unforgiving
and difficult.
758
00:39:43,815 --> 00:39:46,051
Oh, stop!
759
00:39:46,117 --> 00:39:49,455
No one's ever said this
before, but Namibia...
760
00:39:51,022 --> 00:39:53,992
...is a beautiful bastard
of a country.
761
00:40:02,868 --> 00:40:04,302
And yet,
762
00:40:04,369 --> 00:40:07,773
as we counted down the last
few miles of our journey,
763
00:40:07,839 --> 00:40:12,444
our home-made beach buggies
were still running.
764
00:40:12,511 --> 00:40:16,882
They were battered and
bruised, but they'd proved
our point to Mr Wilman.
765
00:40:17,983 --> 00:40:19,184
They'd made it.
766
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,455
And they had done
something else as well -
767
00:40:23,522 --> 00:40:24,956
they'd got under our skin.
768
00:40:25,023 --> 00:40:27,158
We liked them
even more at the end
769
00:40:27,225 --> 00:40:29,961
than we had done
at the start.
770
00:40:30,028 --> 00:40:32,664
I think everybody in the world
should drive a beach buggy,
771
00:40:32,731 --> 00:40:36,301
because you're exposed
to so much.
772
00:40:36,367 --> 00:40:37,736
Not just the elements,
773
00:40:37,803 --> 00:40:40,706
but the opinions
of other people.
774
00:40:40,772 --> 00:40:42,140
I mean, when you're in
a normal car,
775
00:40:42,207 --> 00:40:44,610
you shake your fist
and make gestures,
776
00:40:44,676 --> 00:40:45,977
and shout and yell,
777
00:40:46,044 --> 00:40:48,747
because you feel
cocooned and safe
778
00:40:48,814 --> 00:40:51,950
and immune from everybody.
779
00:40:52,017 --> 00:40:55,954
But in a beach buggy,
everyone's just there.
780
00:40:56,021 --> 00:40:57,756
It's brilliant!
781
00:40:57,823 --> 00:41:00,692
It's such a friendly way
of moving about.
782
00:41:02,528 --> 00:41:04,129
And with that,
we settled down
783
00:41:04,195 --> 00:41:08,399
for what we hoped would be
a smooth cruise to the beach.
784
00:41:08,534 --> 00:41:10,101
But it wasn't.
785
00:41:10,168 --> 00:41:11,136
Ow! Ow!
786
00:41:12,571 --> 00:41:13,905
Oh, God! Ow!
787
00:41:18,844 --> 00:41:20,579
This is outrageous!
788
00:41:22,380 --> 00:41:23,815
Holy shit!
789
00:41:26,618 --> 00:41:28,219
Oh, no! It's gone!
790
00:41:28,286 --> 00:41:32,257
And now my aerodynamics
are badly affected as well.
791
00:41:35,393 --> 00:41:36,795
Oh, my word!
792
00:41:38,129 --> 00:41:40,198
Jeremy is hoping
to get to the finish line
793
00:41:40,265 --> 00:41:43,268
in the sort of pile of scrap
you hate your neighbours
794
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:45,604
for keeping at the bottom
of their garden.
795
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:50,275
Oh, God!
796
00:41:54,913 --> 00:41:57,448
JEREMY: (LAUGHS)
Oh, no! There's petrol!
797
00:41:57,583 --> 00:42:00,786
Oh! Hammond,
don't go near his car!
798
00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:03,188
There's petrol all over
the front of his car.
799
00:42:03,254 --> 00:42:04,322
- Is there?
- Yeah.
800
00:42:04,389 --> 00:42:05,924
RICHARD: Ooh!
801
00:42:05,991 --> 00:42:08,093
JEREMY: What if it
caught fire, James?
802
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:15,200
With just 30 miles to go,
803
00:42:15,266 --> 00:42:19,605
the mighty seven-cylinder V8
really started to play up.
804
00:42:19,638 --> 00:42:21,139
(ENGINE CHUGGING)
805
00:42:21,206 --> 00:42:22,808
- (ENGINE GRINDING)
- Oh, no!
806
00:42:26,111 --> 00:42:27,646
(LAUGHS)
807
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:30,348
And then
it started to go dark,
808
00:42:30,415 --> 00:42:33,919
which presented us with the
biggest problem of the lot.
809
00:42:35,053 --> 00:42:37,288
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
810
00:42:37,355 --> 00:42:39,090
That's just terrible.
811
00:42:39,157 --> 00:42:41,292
Oh, God!
812
00:42:41,359 --> 00:42:42,994
JAMES:
Well, that's marvellous.
813
00:42:43,061 --> 00:42:44,963
JEREMY:
That one is dazzling me
814
00:42:45,030 --> 00:42:47,232
and that one is showing me where
to go.
815
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,903
RICHARD:
This is far from ideal.
816
00:42:51,970 --> 00:42:54,005
JEREMY:
Before pitch darkness fell,
817
00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:57,709
we pulled over to do
some emergency repairs.
818
00:42:57,776 --> 00:42:59,477
I'm gonna put some...
819
00:42:59,544 --> 00:43:02,714
tape of a certain well-known
brand on the problem.
820
00:43:04,650 --> 00:43:06,117
JEREMY:
Finger tight will do.
821
00:43:06,184 --> 00:43:09,154
These repairs
were extremely successful.
822
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:16,161
Oh, it's swung into my face!
823
00:43:16,227 --> 00:43:19,330
No, I can't see a thing.
Agh! That's worse!
824
00:43:21,700 --> 00:43:24,269
Oh, God. Now they've turned.
825
00:43:24,335 --> 00:43:27,038
Oh, no! My car's gone
cross-eyed again!
826
00:43:29,340 --> 00:43:31,977
JEREMY: There's a man
coming the other way.
827
00:43:32,043 --> 00:43:33,578
What's he gonna think of us?
828
00:43:33,679 --> 00:43:34,880
(LAUGHS) I don't know.
829
00:43:34,946 --> 00:43:36,948
I can't see a bloody thing.
830
00:43:38,583 --> 00:43:41,186
Thank you.
Oh, that's good!
831
00:43:41,252 --> 00:43:43,421
It's shaken the headlight
back round again!
832
00:43:43,488 --> 00:43:46,992
Yeah! No, it's back again.
Oh, just for a moment.
833
00:43:48,694 --> 00:43:53,331
Then the rough road brought
some new headlight problems.
834
00:43:53,398 --> 00:43:56,267
Oh, nothing! Oh, no!
Nothing! Nothing!
835
00:43:56,334 --> 00:44:00,005
I've got...
I've now got nothing at all.
836
00:44:00,071 --> 00:44:02,240
OK, Hammond and May,
can you just let me know
837
00:44:02,307 --> 00:44:04,876
what your lighting
situation is now?
838
00:44:04,943 --> 00:44:08,814
RICHARD: As long as I hold
the flash lever back,
I have light.
839
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,851
JAMES: If I hold the lever,
I get one light
and one flashing light, yes.
840
00:44:12,918 --> 00:44:16,154
But I have to take
my hand off to change gear.
841
00:44:16,221 --> 00:44:18,824
JEREMY: And then Hammond's
car suddenly turned into
842
00:44:18,890 --> 00:44:21,192
the lighting rig
at a Pink Floyd gig.
843
00:44:23,328 --> 00:44:25,496
Why does it keep changing?
What...
844
00:44:25,563 --> 00:44:26,865
And it's all got...
845
00:44:28,333 --> 00:44:29,434
(GASPS)
846
00:44:32,303 --> 00:44:35,373
It's only three kilometres
to go now. Three.
847
00:44:39,010 --> 00:44:39,811
Ahh!
848
00:44:39,878 --> 00:44:41,880
Oh, (BLEEP) hell!
849
00:44:42,848 --> 00:44:44,282
Gone. Coming back.
850
00:44:46,084 --> 00:44:47,786
Although we couldn't see,
851
00:44:47,853 --> 00:44:50,989
we knew we must be close
to the beach.
852
00:44:51,056 --> 00:44:53,158
It's not... you know,
a seaside beach.
853
00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:56,427
It must be on a river
or a lake, or something.
854
00:44:59,397 --> 00:45:01,833
This is uphill.
I'm sure that's wrong.
855
00:45:03,769 --> 00:45:06,171
That's a big drop there.
856
00:45:06,237 --> 00:45:08,874
I don't want to go off there.
857
00:45:08,940 --> 00:45:11,176
JEREMY: I'm not sure
this is sensible.
858
00:45:11,242 --> 00:45:14,913
Nowhere in any guide
I've ever read does it say,
859
00:45:14,980 --> 00:45:18,549
"Explore new territory
in a beach buggy
860
00:45:18,616 --> 00:45:21,853
with your lights all broken."
861
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:25,891
Unable to find anything even
remotely resembling a beach,
862
00:45:25,957 --> 00:45:27,793
we pulled over.
863
00:45:27,793 --> 00:45:29,627
(WATER RUSHING)
864
00:45:29,694 --> 00:45:32,864
We cannot carry on
just plunging around
in the darkness,
865
00:45:32,931 --> 00:45:34,332
hoping to find the beach.
866
00:45:34,399 --> 00:45:36,201
And, anyway,
what is that noise?
867
00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:42,573
RICHARD: I would say
that...is a waterfall.
868
00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:44,943
Is it something you want
to come across in the dark?
869
00:45:45,010 --> 00:45:48,013
Because the other thing
I'd say about that sound -
870
00:45:48,079 --> 00:45:51,449
it might be my imagination,
but that sounds as though
it's coming from below,
871
00:45:51,516 --> 00:45:52,818
like we're above it.
872
00:45:52,818 --> 00:45:54,219
We have climbed up
that track.
873
00:45:54,285 --> 00:45:56,521
And a waterfall is a drop,
by definition.
874
00:45:56,587 --> 00:45:58,890
If we're...
I don't want to...
in the dark.
875
00:45:58,957 --> 00:46:01,392
Abandon. I'm not doing it.
876
00:46:01,459 --> 00:46:03,528
We'll do it tomorrow. Sun.
877
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:06,431
Let's look at the stars
and have one more night
in Namibia.
878
00:46:06,497 --> 00:46:08,733
We'll find it tomorrow
and it'll be fantastically
glorious.
879
00:46:08,834 --> 00:46:09,835
RICHARD:
Tomorrow on the beach.
880
00:46:09,901 --> 00:46:12,203
JEREMY: Giovanni!
881
00:46:15,907 --> 00:46:20,411
The next morning,
daylight brought answers
to our questions.
882
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:24,215
So it wasn't a waterfall.
883
00:46:24,282 --> 00:46:26,651
No, it was many waterfalls.
884
00:46:26,717 --> 00:46:28,053
Hundreds of waterfalls.
885
00:46:36,627 --> 00:46:38,729
And they were just part
of what we all agreed
886
00:46:38,864 --> 00:46:43,902
was the most beautiful view
we'd ever seen.
887
00:46:54,079 --> 00:46:57,715
But...many waterfalls.
888
00:46:57,782 --> 00:46:59,517
No beach that I can see.
889
00:47:02,988 --> 00:47:04,722
Does that count as a beach?
890
00:47:04,789 --> 00:47:05,891
JEREMY: That is a beach.
891
00:47:05,891 --> 00:47:07,658
JAMES: I'd call that a beach.
892
00:47:07,725 --> 00:47:10,728
- The beach.
- That's got to be it.
There's no others.
893
00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:13,899
Gentlemen,
our quest is at an end.
894
00:47:13,932 --> 00:47:16,734
Let us ride...
895
00:47:16,801 --> 00:47:20,471
in splendour... to...
896
00:47:20,538 --> 00:47:22,941
- I'm not finishing that
very well. What is it?
- It's very moving.
897
00:47:23,008 --> 00:47:26,611
I'm trying to think
of something evocative
and Victorian and brilliant.
898
00:47:26,677 --> 00:47:28,813
RICHARD: "Let's go over there
and finish our journey"?
899
00:47:28,914 --> 00:47:30,648
No, that's Brummie rubbish!
900
00:47:30,715 --> 00:47:32,683
- It is!
- It's the fact.
901
00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:36,587
JEREMY:
Unable to find the right
words to mark the moment...
902
00:47:36,654 --> 00:47:38,123
...we set off anyway.
903
00:47:41,659 --> 00:47:43,061
Yeah, this is it.
904
00:47:46,097 --> 00:47:49,334
We are half a kilometre
from our objective.
905
00:47:53,638 --> 00:47:54,940
Oh.
906
00:47:55,006 --> 00:47:57,608
Oh, no. Path ends. Path ends.
907
00:47:58,843 --> 00:48:00,378
Erm...
908
00:48:02,747 --> 00:48:04,549
Oh, my God!
909
00:48:07,152 --> 00:48:08,519
Well, if this won't get
over there,
910
00:48:08,586 --> 00:48:10,088
there's no way will theirs.
911
00:48:13,158 --> 00:48:16,261
JEREMY: We split up
to look for a path
through the rocks...
912
00:48:18,429 --> 00:48:19,497
JAMES: Oh, no!
913
00:48:19,564 --> 00:48:22,333
...but it was hopeless.
914
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:23,368
Forget it.
915
00:48:24,569 --> 00:48:26,337
Hammond, forget it.
916
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:28,473
We aren't going down
this hill.
917
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:35,580
The problem is, even if we
could get over this stuff,
which we can't...
918
00:48:35,646 --> 00:48:37,215
RICHARD: No, we can't.
919
00:48:37,282 --> 00:48:39,985
...have you seen what's
between us and the beach?
920
00:48:40,051 --> 00:48:43,989
Look at it. There's no way
you could drive over that
or anywhere near.
921
00:48:44,022 --> 00:48:46,524
- Look,
you can't even go inland.
- No, we can't go there.
922
00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:48,293
And you can't go
around that mountain
923
00:48:48,359 --> 00:48:50,428
and come at it from the back,
cos they're cliffs.
924
00:48:56,501 --> 00:48:58,469
Wait a minute.
925
00:48:58,536 --> 00:49:00,505
What?
926
00:49:00,571 --> 00:49:01,672
I've had...
927
00:49:02,740 --> 00:49:04,142
...a great idea.
928
00:49:04,209 --> 00:49:07,078
- RICHARD: Oh, no.
- No.
929
00:49:07,145 --> 00:49:10,181
So we can't drive over here.
930
00:49:10,248 --> 00:49:15,620
But we have to get us
and our cars to that beach
over there.
931
00:49:17,088 --> 00:49:20,191
If there were to be
some kind of...
932
00:49:20,258 --> 00:49:23,428
A mounting point on that
cliff, maybe, and then--
933
00:49:23,494 --> 00:49:24,429
Do what?
934
00:49:24,495 --> 00:49:26,564
No.
Mounting point down there.
935
00:49:26,631 --> 00:49:28,466
Over that distance?
That's a huge distance.
936
00:49:28,533 --> 00:49:30,068
- It's about half a kilometre.
- No!
937
00:49:30,135 --> 00:49:31,802
But can you imagine
the forces on it?
938
00:49:31,869 --> 00:49:34,339
- The things at the end
are gonna have to be...
- Huge.
939
00:49:34,405 --> 00:49:37,508
- Massive.
- Jeremy, we don't all live
in a cartoon.
940
00:49:37,575 --> 00:49:39,344
We will die! Dead!
941
00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:45,050
RICHARD: Given that
there were no alternatives,
942
00:49:45,083 --> 00:49:46,917
we had to go with
the ape's plan,
943
00:49:47,052 --> 00:49:52,457
which was to turn our beach
buggies into cable cars.
944
00:49:52,523 --> 00:49:55,893
- That's over two metres.
- Yeah, that's good enough.
945
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:59,064
So we headed to
a nearby abandoned mine...
946
00:50:00,398 --> 00:50:02,200
...to scavenge materials.
947
00:50:05,103 --> 00:50:06,804
JAMES: Is that bit any good?
948
00:50:06,871 --> 00:50:10,941
- How much more of that cable
have we got?
- Four drums.
949
00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:14,345
- Are you proposing that
that becomes a winding drum?
- Yeah.
950
00:50:14,412 --> 00:50:16,881
It's very important...
951
00:50:16,947 --> 00:50:20,718
we get as much
weight as possible
into Hammond's car...
952
00:50:20,785 --> 00:50:23,188
for erm...
well, for your amusement.
953
00:50:25,523 --> 00:50:27,292
- (COUGHS)
- (METAL CLATTERING)
954
00:50:28,993 --> 00:50:30,061
Right, toolbox.
955
00:50:30,128 --> 00:50:31,596
(CLANGING AND GRUNTING)
956
00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:39,404
- JAMES: How much do you want?
- JEREMY: 30 metres.
957
00:50:45,910 --> 00:50:48,779
James, have you got that hoop
welded in yet?
958
00:50:48,846 --> 00:50:50,148
No, that's my next job.
959
00:50:55,153 --> 00:50:56,921
RICHARD: Several days later,
960
00:50:56,987 --> 00:50:59,657
and with absolutely no help
whatsoever
961
00:50:59,724 --> 00:51:04,028
from any Namibian
mining engineers...
962
00:51:04,129 --> 00:51:08,266
...the world's first
beach buggy cable car
was ready, and--
963
00:51:08,333 --> 00:51:10,034
JEREMY:
Shit! Stop, everybody!
964
00:51:10,135 --> 00:51:13,003
The goats are eating the tree
that we've anchored it to.
965
00:51:13,138 --> 00:51:15,473
- Shoo, goats! Shoo!
- (BLEATING)
966
00:51:18,343 --> 00:51:20,578
They were eating the tree.
967
00:51:20,645 --> 00:51:22,447
RICHARD:
Anyway, as I was saying,
968
00:51:22,513 --> 00:51:24,949
it stretched for more
than a third of a mile.
969
00:51:25,015 --> 00:51:27,885
And since the drop to
the crocodile-infested river
970
00:51:27,952 --> 00:51:30,155
was several hundred feet,
971
00:51:30,188 --> 00:51:32,323
we decided
James should go first.
972
00:51:33,324 --> 00:51:34,825
- We had a vote.
- Did you?
973
00:51:34,892 --> 00:51:36,861
We did, and we were unanimous
you were going first.
974
00:51:36,927 --> 00:51:38,729
Right, so it's become
a democracy all of a sudden?
975
00:51:38,796 --> 00:51:40,665
- JEREMY: Yes, it has.
- RICHARD: Yeah.
976
00:51:40,731 --> 00:51:42,300
And anyway,
your car's the lightest,
977
00:51:42,367 --> 00:51:43,868
now you've burned half
of it away.
978
00:51:46,171 --> 00:51:49,174
I'm climbing in.
Jesus!
979
00:51:49,207 --> 00:51:52,677
JEREMY:
With the state-of-the-art
generators fired up...
980
00:51:52,743 --> 00:51:53,844
(CHUGGING)
981
00:51:57,382 --> 00:51:59,584
...James fortified himself
for the journey...
982
00:52:01,085 --> 00:52:02,953
Is he drinking?
983
00:52:03,020 --> 00:52:06,191
...and then simply drove off
the launch pad.
984
00:52:06,257 --> 00:52:08,259
JAMES: Oh, my God! Whoa!
985
00:52:08,326 --> 00:52:10,828
(CREAKING)
986
00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:12,630
Oh, shit! It's really high!
987
00:52:12,697 --> 00:52:16,066
It's really high!
I'm turning the engine off.
988
00:52:16,201 --> 00:52:18,269
- RICHARD: We had to test it.
- JEREMY: Well, exactly.
989
00:52:18,336 --> 00:52:21,406
- He had to go first.
- Don't look at us
and think we're bad.
990
00:52:21,472 --> 00:52:24,008
Because that was
scientifically vigorous.
991
00:52:24,074 --> 00:52:25,376
(CREAKING)
992
00:52:30,348 --> 00:52:31,916
It's a cable car.
It's a cable car.
993
00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:34,652
I've been on lots of
cable cars. They're safe.
994
00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:37,788
- JEREMY: God. Look, he's...
This is where it's high.
- RICHARD: That's horrible.
995
00:52:40,891 --> 00:52:42,860
No! It's going really high!
I don't like...
996
00:52:42,927 --> 00:52:44,562
(SCREAMS)
997
00:52:46,797 --> 00:52:48,132
JAMES: I hate you!
998
00:52:48,233 --> 00:52:50,235
- OK.
- He doesn't like us.
999
00:52:53,738 --> 00:52:58,075
JAMES: Despite my terror,
the cable buggy kept on
chugging through
1000
00:52:58,142 --> 00:53:02,913
what's technically Angolan
airspace towards the beach.
1001
00:53:02,980 --> 00:53:04,148
God, I'm nearly there!
1002
00:53:04,249 --> 00:53:05,516
(CREAKING)
1003
00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:08,886
Neutral. Handbrake off.
1004
00:53:08,953 --> 00:53:11,256
He's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it.
1005
00:53:11,322 --> 00:53:12,623
I'm at the end!
1006
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:17,862
- JEREMY: He's down.
- RICHARD: That's a landing.
1007
00:53:17,928 --> 00:53:19,864
Yes!
1008
00:53:19,930 --> 00:53:21,632
- Do you know what, though?
- What?
1009
00:53:21,699 --> 00:53:23,501
- I'm doing maths here.
- Mm?
1010
00:53:23,568 --> 00:53:26,871
One of us is gonna be killed
doing this, obviously, yes?
1011
00:53:26,937 --> 00:53:30,875
- I'd say so, yeah.
- So when we were all here,
33% chance.
1012
00:53:30,941 --> 00:53:33,644
Now I'm doing it
with a 50% chance.
1013
00:53:33,711 --> 00:53:35,346
- Now you're doing it?
- I'm going next.
1014
00:53:35,413 --> 00:53:37,315
- I can go next.
- You can't go next.
1015
00:53:37,382 --> 00:53:39,850
- Why can't I go next?
- (CREAKING)
1016
00:53:39,917 --> 00:53:43,421
JEREMY: Whilst James
toasted his success
with some more drink...
1017
00:53:44,889 --> 00:53:48,693
...I won the argument
and prepared for launch.
1018
00:53:49,627 --> 00:53:51,829
Why is my car at this angle?
1019
00:53:51,896 --> 00:53:55,300
Well, maybe because
there's a massive V8
hanging out the back of it.
1020
00:53:55,333 --> 00:53:57,802
Right! Right, right, right!
1021
00:53:57,868 --> 00:53:59,036
I'll... here we go.
1022
00:53:59,103 --> 00:54:00,405
(ENGINE STARTS)
1023
00:54:04,975 --> 00:54:05,943
(GROANS)
1024
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:13,784
My rectum has just opened
like a set of theatre
curtains.
1025
00:54:13,851 --> 00:54:16,621
And for good reason,
because my beach buggy
1026
00:54:16,687 --> 00:54:21,392
weighed 200 kilograms more
than James's charred wreck.
1027
00:54:24,429 --> 00:54:27,465
Ooh! Ooh!
He brushed the grass!
1028
00:54:30,768 --> 00:54:32,503
I'm terrified,
I'll be honest,
1029
00:54:32,570 --> 00:54:35,340
but, for the first time
since I set off,
1030
00:54:35,373 --> 00:54:37,342
I'm comfortable
in my beach buggy.
1031
00:54:43,514 --> 00:54:44,815
(METALLIC CLUNK)
1032
00:54:49,053 --> 00:54:52,457
Approaching the beach.
Approaching the end
of the journey.
1033
00:54:52,523 --> 00:54:53,824
Here I come.
1034
00:54:54,925 --> 00:54:57,828
And... touchdown!
1035
00:54:57,895 --> 00:55:00,365
Yes!
1036
00:55:00,365 --> 00:55:03,100
JEREMY: Bad news, Hammond. I've
made it.
1037
00:55:03,167 --> 00:55:04,702
Oh, great.
1038
00:55:04,769 --> 00:55:08,373
- Sir?
- Oh, I say, James!
1039
00:55:08,373 --> 00:55:10,608
JEREMY: Actually, I was lucky
there was some left,
1040
00:55:10,675 --> 00:55:14,379
because James had had
a bit of a thirst on
whilst he'd been alone.
1041
00:55:14,379 --> 00:55:15,846
(GRUNTS)
1042
00:55:15,913 --> 00:55:17,214
Hello, guys down there.
1043
00:55:17,281 --> 00:55:19,550
It's Richard at the top.
1044
00:55:19,617 --> 00:55:21,919
Right, I'm gonna do this now,
so goodbye.
1045
00:55:26,491 --> 00:55:28,593
Oh!
I don't like that feeling!
1046
00:55:29,694 --> 00:55:32,029
(GROANS)
1047
00:55:32,096 --> 00:55:33,698
(GROANING CONTINUES)
1048
00:55:33,764 --> 00:55:36,601
Here he comes,
ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hammond.
1049
00:55:37,935 --> 00:55:39,003
(GRUNTS) No!
1050
00:55:41,171 --> 00:55:44,008
I could take solace from
the fact that this system
1051
00:55:44,074 --> 00:55:47,878
has already run twice with
their cars and not failed -
it's been tested.
1052
00:55:47,945 --> 00:55:49,947
Or I could take
a more realistic view,
1053
00:55:50,014 --> 00:55:54,719
which is that
those two fat oafs
have already weakened it.
1054
00:55:54,785 --> 00:55:57,021
JEREMY: Plus he had all
that scrap metal in the back,
1055
00:55:57,087 --> 00:55:59,457
which is why
all eyes were on him.
1056
00:55:59,524 --> 00:56:01,792
Well, when I say "all"...
1057
00:56:01,859 --> 00:56:04,895
Look at the colours
in those rocks over there.
1058
00:56:04,962 --> 00:56:07,498
It's... It's fantastic.
1059
00:56:07,565 --> 00:56:09,700
Just to the left
of where Hammond is.
1060
00:56:12,670 --> 00:56:15,440
Why's my car sitting so low?
It is heavy.
1061
00:56:15,506 --> 00:56:17,274
It is... Why's it lower?
1062
00:56:17,341 --> 00:56:20,110
- The colouring
is fabulous, isn't it?
- Yeah, they are.
1063
00:56:24,181 --> 00:56:27,685
RICHARD:
Despite all my fears,
the cables were holding
1064
00:56:27,752 --> 00:56:31,288
and drawing me ever closer
to my colleagues.
1065
00:56:31,355 --> 00:56:33,691
This is it.
I can see the beach.
1066
00:56:33,758 --> 00:56:35,793
I'm so nearly there.
We are gonna do it!
1067
00:56:37,462 --> 00:56:38,863
Come on, Hammond. Come on.
1068
00:56:41,131 --> 00:56:43,167
I'm gonna do it.
1069
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:45,069
Come on, Hammond. Come on.
1070
00:56:45,135 --> 00:56:46,504
(CREAKING)
1071
00:56:46,571 --> 00:56:47,672
(METALLIC CLUNK)
1072
00:56:47,738 --> 00:56:49,474
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
1073
00:56:49,507 --> 00:56:50,775
Oh.
1074
00:56:53,478 --> 00:56:55,012
Erm...
1075
00:56:57,014 --> 00:56:58,483
Why have I stopped?
1076
00:56:58,483 --> 00:56:59,917
- JEREMY: Hammond!
- JAMES: Come on!
1077
00:56:59,984 --> 00:57:02,152
- RICHARD: I've stopped!
- JEREMY: Hammond!
1078
00:57:02,219 --> 00:57:03,854
It's just stopped!
1079
00:57:03,921 --> 00:57:05,690
What can I do?
It's just stopped!
1080
00:57:05,756 --> 00:57:08,759
There's, like,
200 metres to go!
1081
00:57:08,826 --> 00:57:11,829
I don't have anything to do
with it! It's not up to me!
1082
00:57:11,896 --> 00:57:14,765
Is there nothing you can do?
1083
00:57:14,832 --> 00:57:16,834
Sadly, James was
too drunk to think,
1084
00:57:16,901 --> 00:57:18,569
and I'm mechanically inept.
1085
00:57:18,636 --> 00:57:22,507
Plus, whatever had gone wrong
had gone wrong at the top,
1086
00:57:22,573 --> 00:57:24,374
and we were at the bottom.
1087
00:57:24,509 --> 00:57:25,976
Move! Move! Move!
1088
00:57:26,043 --> 00:57:28,112
There's literally
nothing we can do.
1089
00:57:28,178 --> 00:57:29,547
We've assessed everything
1090
00:57:29,614 --> 00:57:31,616
and you're in
a hopeless position.
1091
00:57:33,317 --> 00:57:35,119
We could have another beer.
1092
00:57:40,157 --> 00:57:42,392
We've gonna have to conclude,
I'm afraid,
1093
00:57:42,527 --> 00:57:47,164
that Mr Wilman was right that
the beach buggy is no good.
1094
00:57:47,231 --> 00:57:50,801
And on that
terrible disappointment,
it's time to end.
1095
00:57:50,868 --> 00:57:53,571
Thank you so much
for watching. Good night.
1096
00:58:01,779 --> 00:58:03,881
♫ You've got your head
on backwards, baby ♫
1097
00:58:03,948 --> 00:58:05,415
♫ You don't know
where you're at ♫
1098
00:58:05,550 --> 00:58:07,251
♫ You've got your head
on backwards, baby ♫
1099
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:09,253
♫ Watch out
or you'll fall flat ♫
1100
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:12,356
♫ Instead of saying hi
to the people that you meet ♫
1101
00:58:12,422 --> 00:58:15,425
♫ You ought to say goodbye
as you're walking
down the street ♫
1102
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:18,262
♫ You've got your head
on backwards, baby ♫
1103
00:58:18,328 --> 00:58:21,065
♫ And you're gonna
hit the ground ♫
1104
00:58:21,131 --> 00:58:22,567
♫ Yeah ♫
1105
00:58:22,567 --> 00:58:24,068
♫ Well, when you finally
fall down, baby ♫
1106
00:58:24,134 --> 00:58:27,037
♫ I don't wanna
be around ♫
1107
00:58:28,238 --> 00:58:29,206
♫ No ♫
84116
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