All language subtitles for Sweet Charity 1969 Shirley MacLaine Chita Rivera Bob Fosse

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Oh Charlie, I'm on time, right?

Wrong... Guess what?
I was looking at furniture.

Couches, chairs and lamps
that turn into beds.

Then I went to look at wedding rings,
then looked for my trousseau.

And that's not all.
I went to the bank.

I took every last cent I own.
All 427 dollars!

So now we can put
a down payment on something.

Oh Charlie, it's such a great world!

Today New York's my personal property

Right down Broadway to City Hall.

Every supermarket, every five-and-ten
All of Lincoln Center and the UN

They're all my personal property

The zoo in Central Park
is merely my private menagerie

I've carved my name on every tree

From Yonker's Raceway to
Bowling Green, I own everything

It's all my personal property

The planetarium is mine alone

The old aquarium I also own

And since I feel today
New York's my own personal property

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do

Since I like you very much
So very, very much

I'm gonna split it with you

With you...

Charlie, this is
my own personal wishing well.

Hey! Let's make a wish,
and throw something in for luck.

Since I like you very much

So very, very much

I'm gonna give it to...

I wish...

Help!

I can't swim!

Help! Help me!

I can't swim!

Look, there's a girl drowning!
- Don't look, dear.

Don't get involved.
It's none of our business!

Get her up.
- Somebody help.

Doesn't she look dead to you?
- Don't know. Never seen her before.

Shake her!
That's it, she's coming to.

Oh my God, I'm in Australia!

Put me down!

What are you doing? Go away!
Don't look at me!

Take it easy, honey. You almost
drowned. - Where's Charlie?

I bet she tried to knock herself off.
- Over a fellow named Charlie.

Where's my shoe?

Don't stare at me!
Please leave me alone!

Please leave me alone!

Come on, everybody.
Let's all go home!

Why did you do this, Charlie?

The show is all over.
- Be careful, she's a crazy lady!

You all right, Miss?

I'm fine. I'm just fine.

Just put it down in your book:
"The crazy, drowned lady feels fine."

All right.
Do you care to tell us what happened?

I lost my shoe.

Look for her other shoe, will ya?
- Yeah, look for her other shoe.

What's it look like?
- It looks like that one!

All right, what's your name?

Charity.

Charity Hope Valentine.
- Charity Hope Valentine?

Just write it.
- I found it!

Address?
- 615 West 44th Street.

Occupation?
- Social consultant.

Where?
- The Fandango Ballroom.

Dance hall hostess.

You work in one of those
tango palaces? - It's temporary.

Length of employment?
- Eight years.

Suppose you tell me
what you were doing in the water.

Well, my fianc� Charlie...
He's not exactly my fianc�,

but we are engaged to be wed
the minute his marriage breaks up.

We had this rendezvous to meet.

I was about to make a wish
by throwing in this penny,

when I guess I must have slipped,
'cause I lost my balance.

Naturally, he made a grab for me,
and all he caught was my handbag.

And I fell in.
- Yeah!

Sure.
- Where's my hairspray?

He couldn't jump in after me
'cause of his bad back.

So he went off to get help.
- Where, Norfolk, Virginia?

Come on, honey, didn't you
leave one tiny detail out?

Like what? - Like there ain't
one word of truth in it.

Hello, men!

Nickie, did ya hear
about Charity and her boyfriend?

You're gonna get married?
All the luck in the world, baby!

He stole her money and pushed her
in the lake. - He wasn't for you.

Excuse me, ladies.
Prince Philip walked in.

So park the gum and drag it out.

Doesn't he ever knock?
- Good thing we're decent.

He's gonna call.
- Who?

Charlie. He's gonna call.
Any minute, he's gonna call

and have a logical explanation.

What did I tell ya?

Charlie!

Yeah?

You know what your problem is?
You run your heart like a hotel.

You got guys checking in and out.
- And always get stuck with the bill.

This time it's different.
He loves me.

When somebody has their name
tattooed on your arm,

does that sound like a guy who'll
push you in a lake for 427 bucks?

Yeah. - Sure!
- Where's my hairspray?

Forget him. We got a living to make.
If you call this a living.

He's gonna call. You'll see.

Sure.

Since I like you very much

So very, very much

I'm...

Oh Charlie...

Mister, can I talk to you a minute?
- Got a cigarette for me, Mister?

Do you speak Spanish?
- Hey, Tiger, wanna dance?

Come here, I wanna tell ya something.

Oh, you're so tall!
- Let's have some fun.

The minute you walked in the joint

I saw you're a man of distinction

A real big spender

Good-looking, so refined

Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?

So let me get right to the point

I don't pop my cork for every guy

Hey, big spender!

Spend...

a little time with me

Do you wanna have fun?

How's about a few laughs?

I can show you

a good time

Do you wanna have fun?

How's about a few laughs?

Fun, laughs, fun, laughs

Fun, laughs, good time...

How's about a few laughs?

I could give you...
Are you ready for some fun?

Or would you like... Let me show you...

a good time
Hey, big spender!

Hey, big spender!

The minute you walked in the joint

I saw you're a man of distinction...

How's about it, Bowsy?

You got a dollar?

Hey Hermie,
anybody been asking for me?

Face it, honey,
Charlie ain't coming anymore.

What's the matter with me?
Boy, am I a pushover!

No, not a pushover, exactly.
It's just that you're too...

You just keep on...
Yeah, you're a pushover.

If he stole your purse, call the cops.
They can pick him up.

Girl, do you know how many guys
there are carrying pocket books?

Why did he do it?
Everything he wanted, I bought him.

11-dollar shirts,
79-dollar Italian silk suits.

What did I do wrong?

I didn't get up in the middle of the
night and buy meatball sandwiches.

He loved his meatball sandwiches!

I've had it to here with that creep!

Go baby!
- He can go

slip and slide his greasy head
on somebody else's shoulder.

I'm finished. I'm through, hear me?

I'm tired of buying him
his pointed shoes,

and his trips to Florida,
and his three-horse parlays.

Who does he think he is?
Shoving girls in the lake.

Oh boy, am I through giving!

I hope your tight Italian pants
choke you to death!

Get me a taxi!

Ursula, stop acting like a child.

Vittorio Vitale!

That's Vittorio Vitale,
the Italian movie star!

Ursula, I can explain everything.

Don't touch me. We're through!
I hate you! D'you hear me?

She really loathes him!

Ursula, I merely said "hello"
to that girl. "Hello", that's all.

I do not want to discuss this.
- You can't walk out on me like this!

I can't? Just watch me!

Just watch me!
- You're not watching!

Where's my taxi?

Taxi! Taxi!

You're coming back inside.
- I am not. - Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are!

Ursula. Ursula!

Ursula!

Oh, scusi, signorina.
- My pleasure!

Are you busy tonight?
- He wants to know if you're busy.

No, you!

Yes, you.

Me?
- Are you busy tonight?

What time?
- Right now.

Right now is very good for me.
- Get in.

I'm with him.

That girl! She's driving me crazy.

These wild fits of jealousy.
I can't stand it. She's impossible.

That was my first impression.
- Childish, neurotic, selfish...

That was my second impression.
- Well, it's finished.

She's just not worth it.
- Well.

On the other hand, she's not
bad in the looks department.

Yes, you're right.
She is very beautiful.

If you go for that sort of thing.
- No, you are right.

She is... gorgeous.

I think I just screwed myself up.

I'm with him.

Who's that with Vittorio?
- She's not familiar.

Who can she be?
- What happened to Ursula?

Who is it?

It's me!

Wow, it's crawling with celebrities.
I'm the only person I never heard of.

Excuse me, Signor Vitale.
There is a phone call.

It's Ursula. Look how she knows me.

No matter where I go, she finds me.

Well, I know her too. She'll cry
and plead with me to come to her.

What should I do? Be magnanimous
and forgive her, or be aloof?

Aloof sounds good.
- Think so?

The aloofer the better.
- I am not here.

Now I really feel great.
I could eat a horse.

I was only kidding!
- Now we dance!

I wasn't hungry anyway.

So sorry, really I am.
- It's all right.

Where are we?
- My place. Come on.

Your place? Hey, wait!

Get in the car! Get outta the car!
Go here! Go there!

You think you can just..."your place"
any time you feel like it?

Coming?
- Yeah.

Good evening, Sir.
- I'm with him.

Thank you.

Were there any calls?
- None, Sir.

No calls? - None, Sir.
- Are you sure? - Positive, Sir.

If there are any, I am not in.
- Yes, Sir.

And bring us a cold supper.
- Very good, Sir.

What was your name?

Charity. Charity Hope Valentine.

Do you like Brahms?
- Huh?

The music.

Oh, yeah. It's got a...
It's got a great beat.

Leave it!
- It'll get... - Leave it!

Now sit down.

Tell me what you do.

That'd just be a waste of time.
- Why?

'Cause I'd lie.

Why should you lie?

If I told you the truth of what I did,
you wouldn't be impressed.

Let me be the judge of that.
What do you do?

I'm a dance hall hostess.

What?
- I'm a dance hall hostess.

You see, you shoulda let me lie.
I was gonna be a dental technician.

Doesn't sound impressive.
- It does to a dance hall hostess.

Champagne?

I don't mind if I do.
- Why did you take a job like that?

I don't know.

Fickle finger of fate, I guess.
- What?

Fickle finger of fate.

You know what that means?
- Yes.

Well, I don't. Not really.

These things always happen to me.
I never know why or how.

People are always coming and asking:
Why that guy, why this job.

I always felt so dumb,
saying "I don't know".

But it was the truth, I don't.

I guess you're supposed to know why
you do things and wind up places.

Whenever anyone says
why or how to me, I just say:

"Fickle finger of fate,"
and then I don't feel so dumb.

You just like saying it.

You're right.

Fickle finger of fate.
- You see.

Fickle finger of fate.

You wanna try?
It feels good.

It cools the mouth.
Oh, try just once.

Say it. Just once.

All right.

"Fickle finger of fate."
That's nice. It does cool the mouth.

I got lots of phrases I like.

Like if some wisenheimer
says something dirty to me,

and I can't answer,
I like to say "Up yours!"

You do?

Oh yeah, that really works.

But I wouldn't say it to you.

But I can say "Fickle finger of fate."
- You certainly can.

You have a nice laugh.

You have a nice everything.
- What shall we drink to?

I know.
To the "Fickle finger of fate."

Bottoms up!
- Up yours!

It just slipped out!

You're marvelous, really marvelous.

I am?

That is really something,
coming from the Vittorio Vitale.

What makes you think
the Vittorio Vitale is special?

Haven't you seen your movies?
- I have better taste than that.

Remember the one you did with
that Italian actress Mica Monicali?

Monica Monicelli.
- Yeah.

"Passion in Palermo," I think it was.
There was a scene, she was crying...

and you bent down
and kissed every one of her fingers...

Her pinky to her thumb, remember?

Unfortunately, no.
- I remember. I'll never forget it.

And then you said:

"Without love, life has no purpose."

The things I say for money.

Did that ever hit home.
Did you hit me where I live!

I went through six marshmallow bars
just to hear that one line.

"Without love, life has no purpose."

Is that what you believe?

Sure. Doesn't everybody?

No, not everybody.

Why do you believe in love?
- Everybody needs some religion.

So your religion is love?

I tell you one thing:
I sure go to church a lot.

I see you sitting here, but I find it
hard to believe you really exist.

Yes? No, thank you, Manfred.
I'll take care of it myself. Good night.

Our supper.

May I fix you a plate?

What's the matter?
- They'll never believe it.

What? - That I'm here,
in Vittorio Vitale's bedroom,

drinking champagne,
and he's serving me dinner.

Who won't believe it?
- My girlfriends.

What can we do about it?

Do you think...
- What?

That...
- Yes?

Could I have
a personally autographed picture?

You can have me in profile or full face,
with moustache, clean-shaven, smiling

or sexy. - I'll take
clean-shaven, full-faced and sexy.

For...
- Charity.

For Charity...
- Who was with me tonight,

in my apartment,

alone.

I swear it.

Vittorio...
- Yes, yes. I know the rest.

Eccola.

You even write great.

What a night for me!

Tomorrow you move into my locker.

And every time I open the door: Pow!

They're not gonna believe this.
They're gonna think it's a forgery.

Where are you going?
- Wait for me.

I'll be right back.

Don't go away! - Hurricane Hazel
could strike. I'm not moving.

If they could see me now

That little gang of mine

Eating fancy chow, drinking fancy wine

I'd like those stumblebums to see

The kind of first-rate chums

I attract. All I can say is "Wow"

Will you look at where I am

Tonight I landed in a pot of jam

If my friends could see me now

They'd never believe it!

They'd never believe it...

Do you think this will do?
I used it in my first film.

Oh, what a beautiful... black thing.

It's a hat.

Eccola.
You see, my initials.

It is yours.

Now wait, there is more.

If they could see me now

My little dusty group

In this million-dollar chicken coop

I'd hear those thriftshop cats say
"Brother, get her!"

Draped on a bedspread made from fur

All I can say is "Wow!"
Wait till the riff and raff

See his autograph

What a build-up, holy cow!

They'd never believe it
If my friends could see me now!

Hi.
- Ciao.

Boy, this is some terrific mattress!

My initials.

Also for you.
- I couldn't. - You must.

I really, I can't.
- I insist. - I'll take it.

I'll go see if there's anything else.

Charlie Drew, baby!

If they could see me now
Alone with Mr. V

Waiting on me like a Maitre 'd.

I hear my buddies saying
"Crazy, what gives!

She's living like the other half."

To think the highest brow

Should pick the lowest brow

What a step-up, holy cow!

They'd never believe it

If my friends could see me now

They'd never believe it!

They'd never believe it!

If my friends could see me...

Hey girls, look it's me, Charity!

Boy, this is some terrific floor.

Miss Charity Hope Valentine.

Since I could find nothing else
in all of my possessions

that could express my warm feelings

for what you have done tonight,

for what you have given me,

I ask you please

to accept this.

Wow, I accept.

May I just say
that I've never received a gift

in such a gorgeous package?

Mister Vitale,

you've been so terrific to me.

I think this is the best time
I ever spent in my whole life.

No, no please.

Suppose you eat your supper?

Pronto.

Tell her I'm asleep.
No, tell her I'm dead.

Tell her...

What?

Accidenti!
Lock the door! Lock the door!

It's Ursula.

She's here. What should I do?

What should I do?

If you want my opinion,
we don't really need her.

And in my opinion,
we don't really need her.

Vittorio, I know you're in there.
Let me in!

Ursula, go away.

Vittorio, please!
- No!

Please!
- No!

Please!

I can't stand it! Let her in!

Yes, you're right.

In here.

I'll get rid of her as soon as I can.

In a second!

Let me in. Don't treat me this way.

I almost forgot.

If you get the chance,
I'd love a cold beer.

Vittorio, I'm not leaving
until you open this door!

Vittorio, what took you so long?
What's going on?

Is that why you came back,
to accuse me again?

You have someone else in here.
- Very well.

I picked up a girl off the street,
and she's hiding in the closet.

I don't believe you.
- Look for yourself.

All right, I will.

What's the matter with me?

You wouldn't stoop so low
as to hide a woman in the closet.

I don't know what comes over me.

The thought of you with
another woman drives me insane.

Why do I torture myself this way?

Why? Why?

If you really cared,
I'd give you anything.

I care.

Of course I care, but can't we
discuss this in the morning?

Vittorio, do you really care?
- Of course I care.

Of course I care.
- Really? - Really.

Ursula, I don't understand
why we torture each other this way.

Because I'm a jealous fool.

How could I believe you'd bring home
some cheap little nothing?

Without you, there is no love!

Without love...

life has no purpose.

Ursula, Ursula.

Vittorio, Vittorio.

Talk about your foreign movies!

If my friends...

could... see me... now.

It's morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning. Are you all right?

It's too soon to tell.

Silk sheets!
Must have cost a fortune!

Thank you for everything.
I'm sorry the way things turned out.

I sort of figured, you know.
- Why do you say that?

Because you're you, and I'm me.

For the taxi.
- You've given me enough already.

Ciao.
- Ciao.

First, we go to this
ritzy place and end up dancing.

He is some terrific dancer!

Then we go to
his fashionable East Side apartment.

Except it was a whole house, with
so many rooms, you needed a compass.

Then we sat around sipping champagne
and talking about life and things.

Boy, it was some terrific night!

Come six o'clock,
guess what he wants to do then?

Send me home
in his own private limousine.

I say to him, "Honey, forget it.
I enjoy walking at sunrise."

But I didn't actually walk. I flew!

My feet never touched the ground.

Well, you keep on
smoking them funny little cigarettes!

I knew you wouldn't believe it.

You swear on your mother's life?
- On my mother's life.

Wanda, call up
and see how her mother is.

All right! Look!

Look... what he gave me.
And look what else:

His cane and his hat.

Momentoes of our evening together.

Is that all he gave you?
- What d'you mean?

Hi team. - Did you hear about
Charity's night with Vittorio Vitale?

I don't believe it!
- All she got was an old hat

and a cane!
- I believe it.

If I was you, I'd pass this hat and
beat myself to death with the cane,

'cause you are dumb!

You don't know what happened.
- What you do in bed's your business.

I wasn't even in bed.
I was in the closet!

To each his own.

The least you coulda
got was a mink coat. - What for?

No details, no results!

A hat and a cane? I'd of walked out
with my own beauty parlor!

You'll never get outta here.
- It was your big chance, baby.

Now you're stuck like all of us.

It ain't no use flapping your wings,
'cause we are caught in the flypaper.

Not me!

What d'you say?
- I said, "Not me."

What chance have we got
in a miserable joint like this?

I mean, just look at us!
- I was always like this!

What's the matter with it?
- Nothing, if you like beat-up broads

nobody cares about. Well, not me.

I'm not gonna spend the next
40 years in the Fandango Ballroom.

I'm not gonna become
the first gray-haired taxi dancer.

I am getting out.

Out! What a nice word.

Gotta be something better than this

There must be something better to do

When I find something better to do

I'm gonna get up, get out and do it!

There must be some respectable trade

There must be something easy to learn

When I find me something I can learn

I'm gonna get up and learn it!

All these jokers, how I hate them

With their groping, grabbing, clutching,

clinching, strangling, handling...

Gotta be some life cleaner than this

Gotta be some good reason to live

When I find a kind of life I can live

I'm gonna get up, get out and live it!

I got it!
- What?

I'm gonna be... a receptionist!

In one of those glass skyscrapers!

My own typewriter, and watercoolers,

and office parties.

And coffee-breaks!

Sitting at my desk on the 41st floor

In my copy of a copy
of a copy of Dior

I'll receive big tycoons
And I'll point to a chair

I'll say "Honey, while you're waiting

How would you like
to put it down over there!"

Gotta be something better than this...

Hey, me too!

I'm gonna get out
and go right to the top! - Yes!

I'm gonna be a hat-check girl

at one of them
East Side high-class restaurants.

Cigarettes costing 60 cents,
"Keep the change."

And all those hats coming in:
Derbies, homburgs...

and that cute little checkered number

with the skinny brim and the feather!

Check your hat, Sir? Your coat?
Your vest? Check your pants?

Check your socks, Sir? Your shoes?
I can hold them while you dance

Check your eyes, Sir? Your ears?
Check and see if you are free

How about it after hours?
I'll check you

And you check me!

I'm gonna get out too!
- Baby, what can you do?

I don't know. Just get me outta here
and I'll figure it out later.

Gotta be some life cleaner than this

Gotta be some good reason to live

When I find some kinda life I can live

I'm gonna get out and live it!

And when I find me
some kind of life I can live

I'm gonna get up

I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out

And live...

Live it!

Excuse me, ladies!

They just announced
the sweepstakes winners.

Since none of you is a winner,
get your keisters back inside.

In the first place, watch your
language. There's ladies present.

In the second place,
we're not sure we're coming back.

I can always find somebody else.
- That's the third place. I'm coming.

Nickie, what about all those plans?

Yeah? What about 'em?

I've got it, Mr. Carmichael.
Stenotypist, with 9 paid holidays,

cost of living escalation
and free maternity care.

Okay, Mr. Carmichael. First
stenotypist that walks in you got.

Goodbye, Mr. Carmichael.

Come in. Sit down.

Card?

Well now, Miss Valentine.
What can we do for you?

I want a job. A nice job.
- Of course you do. What nice job?

And don't say mine,
because it's already taken.

Well, something in an office.
- Good!

You type, of course?
- No.

Take shorthand?
- No.

Operate calculators?
- No.

Keep books?
- No.

File?
- No.

Run a switchboard?
- No.

Speak a foreign language?
- No.

Um...
- No.

Ask me some more questions.

Look Miss...

Valentine.
- How about...

A stenotypist?
- Are you a stenotypist?

Not at the moment.
- But you do stenotype?

Maybe.
- What do you mean?

What is it?

Where did you go to school?

Public Elementary School Number 84.

I mean after that.
- After what?

This isn't going too good.

Have you had any formal training
in any field whatsoever?

Nothing that comes to mind.

What do you expect me to do?

I told you, find me a nice job!
- But you can't do anything!

But I must be able to do somethin'!

I mean, everybody knows
how to do somethin'! Don't they?

I used to think so.
Look, Miss, uh...

Valentine. Please Mr. Nicholsby,
you gotta find me something.

I don't wanna go back.

I want a nice job,
where I can meet some nice people.

I want very much to change my life.

I'll work hard, awful hard.
And I'll learn quick.

Find me something, please!

Oh! Is this a gag?

I'm right, aren't I? It is a gag!

Those guys put you up to it.

Like the time they sent over a guy
who stuttered for a radio announcer.

They should know, I can spot 'em!

You can tell them,
you really had me going.

It took you out, didn't it?

You're a very good sport,
Mr. Nicholsby.

You're pretty good yourself.

I gotta be going now.

I have a job, you know.

I got a swell job.

I was just helping them out.

That stuff about Public Elementary
School Number 84 was perfect!

Yeah, it was good.

Miss?

Are you going down, Miss?

Miss, I'm going to be late.

I didn't mean to rush you.
I hope I wasn't rude.

If I'm late, they'll blow a fuse.

What was that?
- We stopped.

I'd have to say that.

Blowing a fuse. How dumb!

Press the button over there,
it'll get started again.

We're stuck.
- Yeah.

Oh boy.

Kinda stuffy in here.

Isn't it kinda stuffy?

Maximum weight in pounds... 3500.
What do you weigh?

128.
- Then we're all right.

Of course we are.
- Yeah, we're fine.

We're just stuck
in a little old elevator.

Hey, are you okay really?
- Who, me? - Yeah.

Oh yes. I'm fine.
I have to get used to it, that's all.

This is the first time
I've been trapped in an elevator.

Trapped, trapped, trapped.

Hey, do you have that thing,
where you're scared of small places?

Claustrophobia?
- Yeah! - No. Nothing like that.

Claustrophobia? No, no...

No, I just can't stand
small, tight places.

But I can handle this,
because I know we'll get out of here.

I'm sure we will.
- You really think so?

Of course.
- But if you thought we were trapped?

But we're not trapped.
- But if we were, what would you say?

I'd say, "We're really trapped."

I knew it!
- You shouldn't get so excited!

Yeah.

Isn't this awful? I never act this way.
I'm a very calm, organized person.

If it really comes down to it,
you can depend on me.

You understand that?
- I understand.

I hope it doesn't come down to it.

Maybe I should yell for help.
- Why not?

Help.

Help.

Help!

My name is Charity Hope Valentine.

Hey, you're shaking!
- All over.

Here, give me your wrist.
- You know what I feel like doing?

Taking off all my clothes.

I don't think that'd do much good.

You'd think they'd have a telephone!

Never go in an elevator
without checking for a phone!

Hey!
- Listen! What do you think of this?

Climbing out of the elevator,
shimmying up the cable,

and then forcing the door open
on the floor above.

It might work,
but I do think it sounds dangerous.

Then don't try it.
Stay here with me.

Come on, down there!
We don't think it's funny anymore!

If I could just
get out for a few minutes...

Just a few minutes outside,
and then I'd be all right.

Then I'd come back inside.

The best thing is to keep talking,
then you won't think about it.

What's your name?

Don't you have a name?
- I don't think so.

Sure. Everybody's got a name.
Bruce, Howard, Richard...

Oscar. My name is Oscar Lindquist.

Oscar Lindquist?
No, let's keep our clothes on, Oscar.

Where do you live?
- Who?

Oscar Lindquist.
Where do you live? Keep talking!

In an elevator!
- You don't! You live in a house!

Now concentrate!
- 411 East 74th Street.

I'm gonna use up all the air.

Keep talking, Oscar!
- You should breathe some of the air.

I can breathe. Where do you work?

Excelsior Life Insurance Company.
I'm an actuary.

What's an actuary?
- I figure out probabilities.

Good. What's a probability?
- The odds.

The odds on what?
- Suppose you wanted a policy.

I want a policy. Go on!
- It's my job to study your situation,

and figure out the odds on your
meeting with an accident, like suff...

...suffocating in an elevator.
- Oscar! Mr. Lindquist!

Are you all right?

This is really my lucky day.

Of all the guys in town, I wind up
with a candidate for the funny farm.

Not too bad-looking, though...

For a fruit-cake.

It's a nice face, as faces go

It's a very nice face

With a place for every feature

Every feature in its place

Not a commonplace face

His eyes...

Blue!

His chin: Stubborn and strong

His ears...

They're ordinary ears

His nose...

A little long

Still...

It's a gentle face

A little square, a little corny

It's a sentimental face

If he'd smile

He'd look like... so!

When he's mad

He'd look like... so!

So...!

Don't make this a federal case
It's just another pretty face

But you know

It's a very, very,

very nice face...

Where am I?
- You remember where you were? - No.

Well, you're still there.
- Don't leave me!

I won't leave you. I promise
I'll stay, and everything'll be fine.

What happened?
- I think the lights went out.

Oh boy!

Help!
- Help!

Help.
- Help.

Oscar, the lights are on!
Push the button!

It's moving!

Of course, your big problem is panic.

78% of common household accidents

could be avoided
by calm, clear-headed thinking...

Well...

See ya round.

Yeah.

Miss! Miss, do you suppose...

Well, you know, you think...
I don't suppose we could...

You're trying to ask me something,
but ya gotta give me a hint.

Can I see you this Sunday?

Aren't you late for work?
- I was going to group analysis,

but I guess I missed it.
- You gonna be all right?

Oh yes. It was my last session
this week. I'm finished.

Good. What was your problem?

One of my problems
was that I was painfully shy.

And now you're cured?

No, I never had the nerve
to bring it up, so I quit.

I guess you're busy Sunday?

Can I ask you a personal question?

You're not affiliated?

Like a wife?
- Oh no! Nothing like that.

Are you busy Sunday?
- No.

Where d'you live?

You prefer to meet me somewhere?
That little bridge in Central Park?

Maybe we better
forget the whole thing.

Please. Two o'clock Sunday?

If you're not there,
I'll understand. I'll be there anyway.

I've got nothing else to do.

I must be out of my head.
What am I doing here?

Charity!

I'm glad you could make it.

I thought, after what happened
in the elevator, you might think...

I was some kind of a nut.

Oh! I almost forgot. Here!

I grow them myself, in my apartment.

Do you mind if we get off the bridge?
- Sure. I've made all kinds of plans...

Here it comes:

"I left my wallet in my other pants."

Forget it, Charlie,
you ain't gettin' a nickel out of me.

Do you like modern art? I have
several fine reproductions at home.

Do you know where I'd like to take
you? - Yeah, to your place...

To look at your reproductions.

Boy! If Nickie
and Helene could see me now.

Who are Nickie and Helene?
- Two of the girls I work with.

You know, I've been so busy talking.
Where do you work?

No, wait!

Let me guess. I can look at
a person and tell what they do.

Now, I'd say you definitely work...
...in a bank.

Am I right?

You got it! - It's kind
of a sixth sense. Which bank?

You familiar with Brooklyn?
- No.

It's in Brooklyn.
You want a stick of gum?

No thanks.

Working in a bank
can be very dangerous.

In the New York area, the odds are 1
in 75 you'll be held up in 12 months.

Just livin' is dangerous, right?

May I see you home? Where d'you live?

It's way far out. And
it's late. You gotta get up early.

I'll be okay. Honest.

Listen, may I see you tomorrow?
Maybe we could go to a movie?

Okay, but one with a happy ending.
I'm nuts about happy endings.

Good! I'll pick you up
at 5 o'clock in front of the bank.

...suppose we meet at the bridge?

Night.
- Good night.

I want you to know
I had a very nice time...

being with you.
- So did I, Oscar.

A very nice time.
- I had a very nice time too.

Well...
- Well...

You're a lovely girl, Charity.

Sweet Charity.

Gee, for a weirdo, he's very nice!

I just live around the corner.

Sweet Charity.

Sweet Charity!

Sweet Charity.

Nickie, Helene! Guess what happened?
Somethin' every girl dreams about.

You've been drafted?
- No, I met a man.

A nice man.
- Here it is. The 11 o'clock news.

I spent the whole afternoon with him,
and he never tried any funny business.

All he did was kiss my hand.
That's not making a pass, is it?

Naw! Is it Helene?
- What?

If a guy kisses your hand,
would you classify that as a pass?

Depends.
- On what?

On where your hand is.

Where was your hand?

On the end of my arm!

So besides slobbering all over
your knuckles, what else does he do?

He's a reactionary.
- A what?

He figures out odds.
- A horseplayer.

No, for an insurance company.
And he also grows flowers.

A goofball!
- He's not a goofball!

What does the goofball think of your
profession? - Have you

told him
you're in the rent-a-body business?

He doesn't think anything of it.

She ain't told him!
- First, he's very highly educated, and

a thing like that wouldn't bother him.
Second, he knows, because I told him.

You told him?
- Yeah. - You really told him?

Yes. I told him!
- When?

Tomorrow!

You like peanuts?
- Yeah. - For our anniversary.

It's 2 weeks since we were trapped
between the 9th and 10th floor.

What a two weeks this has been!
We've been to 6 movies, 4 museums,

a lecture and a pet show.
- I'd like to do something different.

You wanna rob a supermarket?
- Do you like to go to church?

To church?

It's the Rhythm of Life Tabernacle.

It started out as a jazz group in
San Franciso and became a religion.

Hey baby, let there be light!

Lights!

And so there was light!

And the title of the sermon will be:

"We have beat our swords into
plowshares, and the beat goes on."

Daddy started out in San Francisco
Tooting on his trumpet loud and mean

A voice said "Go forth Daddy!
Spread a picture on a wider screen!"

There's a million pigeons
waiting to be hooked on new religions

Hit the road, leave your wife

Spread the "Rhythm of Life"
The Rhythm is a powerful beat

Puts a tingle in your fingers and feet

Rhythm in your bedroom and the street
The Rhythm is a powerful beat!

Daddy go!

Go, go, go!

Tell them everything you know

Daddy spread the gospel in Milwaukee
Took his walkie-talkie to Rocky Ridge

Blew his way to Canton then Scranton
Till he landed under Manhattan Bridge

Daddy was a new sensation
Got a congregation

Built up an operation down below

With the Piper blowing, the muscatel
flowing, all the cats were go-going

Flip your wings and fly to Daddy...

Fly, fly, fly to Daddy

Take a dive and swim to Daddy...

Swim to Daddy

Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy...

Crawl, crawl, crawl to Daddy

Flip your wings. Fly!

Flip! Fly!

Take a dive! Swim!

Swim!

To Daddy!

Hit the floor! Crawl to Daddy!

The Rhythm of Life is a powerful beat
Puts a tingle in your fingers and feet

Rhythm in the bedroom, rhythm in the
street. It's a powerful beat

To feel the Rhythm of Life

To feel the powerful beat

To feel the tingle in your fingers

To feel the tingle in your feet...

Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

Take a dive and swim to Daddy

Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy

Let me hear it! Sock it to me!

Let it all hang out!

Gather round!

This is where it's all happening.

The "Rhythm of Life",
number 7 in the top ten religions.

But we're gonna climb to number 1!
- I'm hip, baby!

But dig: Time is running out
on that big LP called life.

And the greatest disc jockey of all
is gonna come and take us

to the flipside of life, called eternity.

Eternity!
- That big coffee break in the sky!

But before we groove that final date,

before we head for that last 8 bars,
we gotta make our peace.

Make it, Daddy.

I'm gonna make it!

I want you cats to listen
to everything I'm gonna lay on you.

Number one:

Thou shall dig thy neighbor
as thou wouldst have him dig thee...

Number 2: Thou shall not
put down thy mamas and papas.

Number 3: Thou shall not
swing with another cat's chick.

Number four: Thou shall not
blow thy minds on school nights.

What a devout group!
Where did ya find them?

Oh, I'm on a mailing list.
It's the Church of the Month Club.

And last, come here! But not least:

Thou shall not indulge
in the evil marijuana weed,

known as pot, grass, maryjane,

Acapulco Gold...

As it is sinful,
it is harmful and very expensive.

So I suggest, if anybody's holding,
drop it before the fuzz arrives.

Love!

Love, Daddy!

Yeah!

Are they gone?

You're shaking.
- I'm scared to death!

Don't... don't worry.
I'm right here beside you.

Relax and be scared all you want.

Thank you, I will.

You know something?
I don't mind being scared with you.

When you've got somebody you can
depend on, that'll take care of you,

then you can afford to be scared.
I've never had anybody like that.

I've never had anybody depend on me.

I think they're gone.
- You know what I wish?

I wish we could stay like this
forever. - Do you, Oscar?

You're the first girl
I ever met that I ever trusted,

and believed in.

My whole right side's going to sleep.
- You're all scrunched up.

How's that?

Oh, Oscar...

I'm going to tell you something
I don't think you'll like.

There couldn't be anything.

Remember I told you
I worked in a bank?

A bank in Brooklyn?

What about that bank in Brooklyn?

We just raised our interest rates.

Hey!
- What's the matter?

Did you hear what I said?
I said I wish

we could stay in here forever.
Look where we are!

In a small, tight place
I'm usually scared to be in!

But I like it!

I don't have claustrophobia any more.
I'm cured!

You cured me!
- I did! How?

I don't know, but it's gone!

For the first time
in my life, it's gone!

A man with no dream and no plan

One lonely night
I found Sweet Charity

You make life fun for me

Oh, what it's done for me

Sweet Charity!

Warm words I've never said lately

Pop off the top of my head

It's incredible!

Suddenly I'm the guy
I never dared to be

Watch me touch the sky quite easily!

So if you are free, Sweet Charity

Please belong to me...

Please...

I'd just about given up
ever finding anybody like you.

The world's gone crazy.
Everything's all mixed up.

The old standards of decency and
morality don't mean anything anymore.

I see the way the girls at the office
are passed around,

and the jokes they tell about them...

I get sick, Charity.

Most people would laugh.

I'm not laughing, Oscar.
- I knew you were different.

I just knew, like the way
I knew you worked in a bank.

Oscar, there's something...
- You believed in the things I did.

Things like...

Innocence and...

Try purity.

Does that sound... corny?
- No.

Well, yeah. Maybe it is.

But that's the way I always
pictured it. The way it had to be.

No one else seems to think
those things are important anymore.

That's why you're
a very special person, Charity.

Charity?

Charity!

Do you wanna have...

Fun?
- Come here Cowboy, I wanna tell you...

How's about a few laughs?

I can show you a good time.

What's the big idea?

Miss Valentine! Your escort has
shelled out 6.50 to dance with you.

I do not see you dancing.
- Dancing? It's self-defence.

Miss Valentine!
- Herman, I don't like it anymore.

So I'm giving you my 2 weeks
notice, as of 2 weeks ago.

This is not a nice place!

Charity?

Hey, Charity, listen!

Hey, baby...

Charity?
- I'm up here.

Boy, am I sick
and tired of that musical snake pit.

What's so bad about it?
You dance a little, talk a little.

Swivel your hips a little.

Just like that, you can kill a lifetime.

How's things going with the goofball?

Who?
- The hand-kisser.

Him? Who needs him?
I don't need anybody,

and if I needed anybody, not him.
- She's nuts about him.

It's no good.
He thinks I work in a bank.

So let him.

He trusts me. He believes in me.

I gotta tell him the truth.
Tell him who I am, what I do.

That much truth ain't good.
- I shoulda told him before, but...

He's just the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.

I wanted it to last.

You're gonna tell him
you lied to him?

You're gonna tell him you've been
working in this dump? - Yup.

You're gonna tell him about
Frank and Charlie and...? - Yeah.

Charity, I gotta hand it to you,

you are an extremely
honest, open and stupid broad.

Yup.

Charity, what...?

Sit down, Oscar.

Aren't you going to sit with me?

I have some important things to say.

If I have to look in your eyes,
I'll never be able to say them.

You alone, Miss?
- She's with me.

I was asleep when you called,
I'm still in my pyjamas.

Don't look at me!

Oscar,

I don't now, I never have...

and probably never ever will
work in a bank.

I don't even have a bank account.

What money I do have,
I keep in an empty jar of coffee.

You know how I earn money? - You're a
dance hall hostess. ...hostess.

I work in a cheap dance hall,
and I dance with strange men.

I drink with them, and sometimes...

sometimes...

How did you know?

When you left me in the phone booth,
I ran outside.

I saw someone,
I thought it was you.

She went into that place,
and then I knew it wasn't you.

Except I saw the photographs,
and it was you.

I didn't go in. I couldn't.

I went home.

I tried to hate you.

I tried very hard.

But I couldn't.
I just couldn't hate you.

Maybe you'll have better luck
when I tell you the rest of it.

Not important.

Not important?

Whaddya mean?
What about all those things you said?

But, Charity...
- Don't look at me!

Charity, I know what I said.

But I just can't let you get away.
You have to marry me.

I've gotta tell you everything.
- I don't care what you've done.

If you only knew...

All those guys... All those guys...

Charity, don't cry.
Please don't cry. I believe you.

I know. I'm crying about
that other part. - What other part?

The marrying part.
I didn't hear it the first time.

Will you marry...?
- Careful!

...marry me?
- Oscar!

You're not just
making fun of me, are you?

Asking a girl to marry her
is one of her most sensitive areas.

You shouldn't if you don't mean it.

You can seriously hurt a person,
kiddin' around like that.

To tell you the truth, I don't think
I could stand another injury.

For the first time, I'm happy.

I mean really happy inside.
It's all because of you.

Don't look at me!

I can get pretty emotional too.
Give me your hand.

We're gonna get out of the city.
- Ooh, I'd like that!

We'll move to the country.
New Jersey, maybe.

We'll open a nursery,
a greenhouse. Grow flowers...

You'd like that. - The thing is
to forget the past. - I forgot it.

It's not important.
- It isn't.

We won't discuss it anymore.
We won't even think about it.

A lot of men couldn't do that.

I swear I'll never
mention it again, as long as I live.

I'd like that.
- Because...

...I need you, Charity.

I need you, and I love you.

It's about time I got married.
I'm 34 years old.

And you know the odds are 700 and...

Someone loves me!

Someone loves me!

Somebody loves me!

My heart is beating so fast

Music is pouring out of me

Somebody loves me at last

Now...

I'm a brass band, I'm a harpsichord

I'm a clarinet

I'm the Philadelphia Orchestra

I'm the Modern Jazz Quartet

I'm the band from
Macy's big parade

A wild Count Basie blast

I'm the bells
of St. Peter's in Rome

I'm tissue paper on a comb

Music is pouring out of me

'Cause somebody loves me at last!

Somebody loves me!

She's a brass band, a harpsichord

She's a clarinet

She's the Philadelphia Orchestra

The Modern Jazz Quartet

She's a brass band, a harpsichord

She's a clarinet

That's me!

She's the Philadelphia Orchestra
She's the Modern Jazz Quartet

She's the band
from Macy's big parade

A wild Count Basie blast

The bells of St. Peter's in Rome

She's tissue paper on a comb

Somebody loves me...

...at last!

You don't have to come in.
- No, it's all right.

I'll just be a few minutes.
- I'm fine, just fine.

Hey! Anybody in there?

Oh, it's you.
- What's going on?

Ah, business stinks.
I sent everybody home.

But I called
Nickie and Helene and told them...

You heard the news?
I'm tying the knot, gettin' hitched.

Yeah, I heard.
- This is him. This is the one.

Oscar Lindquist, this is Herman.
Affectionately known as "Der F�hrer".

How do you do?
- Well, I got some work to do.

I gotta get things out of my locker.
- But don't take none of the hangers.

Girls always take the hangers.

He's kinda gruff on the outside,
but inside he's a very rotten person.

Would ya turn on a light?
- You should know the way by now.

Eight years of your life,
and nobody cares to turn on a light...

Surprise!

We nearly fooled ya! - You thought
you'd get away without a party?

You shouldn't have!
- I told you we shouldn't have.

Everybody!
That's him. That's the one!

Mister Oscar Lindquist.
- Hi, Oscar!

These are Nickie and Helene.

All right folks!

The hostesses at the Fandango,

the waiters, Jeff the Bouncer,
Erwin the Cop...

and our 3 regulars since 1949...

present...

a 17-dollar cake!

"Happy Birthday Angelo"?
- You couldn't get a new cake?

That's all they had on short notice.

It's the sentiment that counts.
I and Oscar and Angelo thank you.

For a broad,

she's got a lot of class!
Somebody get Mr. Whatsis a beer.

Charity Hope Valentine, we who've
lived with you, undressed with you,

suffered the indignities
of this crumby joint with you...

We who have come to know
and love you, on your nuptial eve...

Come on!
- Will you shut up!

We just wanna wish... I'm gonna cry!

Quit slobbering all over the cake!
Get down, let me do it!

Charity, honey, we just wanted to...

I'm gonna miss you, girl!

I'll give it to her.
I'm the one that picked it out.

Charity, please accept this gift
as a token of our estimation!

I hope it's a nice gift.

What kind of wedding present is that?

I thought she was pregnant.
Isn't that why she's getting married?

It's the nicest wedding present
I ever got!

Folks! It ain't often that one of our
group marries a respectable guy.

This is the first time.

So, in honor of our own blushing
bride-to-be, I would like to say...

Wait!

Jeez! It's tough
for a loud-mouthed mug like me

Who all the time bellows like a bull

To make the words about the Mrs-to-be

When what you think
is an empty heart is full

Tomorrow when you say "I do"

I'll die

I'm almost too ashamed

To tell you why

I love to cry at weddings

I walk into a chapel
And get happily hysterical

The ushers and attendants
The family dependents

I see them and I start to sniff

As the bride and groom look nervous

Tears of joy stream down my face

I love to cry at weddings

Anybody's wedding

Any time, anywhere, any place!

I always weep at weddings

What's as sweet and sloppy
as a "Promise me..."?

The man you share your bed with

Is married to you so you know...
- He won't jump up and blow

I could marry Herman
- And be permanently sorry

We would make a lousy pair

But gee, I want a wedding
Any kind of wedding

Any time, any place, anywhere...

The bride and groom look nervous...

I drink champagne

and sing Sweet Adelaine

I love to cry at weddings

Anybody's wedding

Just as long as it's not mine!

Everybody, the food is on me!

Hey, Johnny!
- Lindquist. Oscar Lindquist.

Just make sure you treat her right.
- Yes, of course.

'Cause she's entitled.

If I was to list all the rotten deals
that sweet dame's been dealt...

If I was to tell you...
- There's no need.

Oh yeah! You know all about it.

I was against telling you anything.

She tells you everything,
and you say it doesn't matter, right?

That's right.

Say it again.

She hasn't been making a pitch,
has she? He's taken!

Hold these. I'll be right back.

Well...
- Well...

Well...

It can happen, you see.

Just keep hoping,
that's the important thing.

Miracles do happen.

Everybody, so long!

I love to cry at weddings

Anybody's wedding

Any time, any place, anywhere...

Didn't you see the sign?

"Please do not throw rice
in the halls or on the stairs."

That's because
1 out of every 42 accidents

occurs in a public building.
- I'll be careful.

Look.

You like it?

It's... it's...

It's...

It caught my eye,
you and your flowers and everything.

You don't like it.
- I do, I do. It's very... flowery.

Boy, there sure are
a lot of questions.

"Name:"

Charity Hope Valentine.

Soon to be Mrs. Oscar Lindquist.

"Age:"

What the hell! Heck!

"Place of birth:" New York.
New York. New York.

"Identifying marks:"
What are they?

You know... scars, birthmarks...

...tattoos...

A tattoo.
I'm gonna have it taken off, Oscar.

"Occupation:" Unemployed!

It hurts like crazy,
but you can have 'em taken off.

Charity.

Okay, finished.

Your turn.

Boy, I didn't care too much
for the first half of my life,

but the second half is getting good.

Charity, I can't go through with it.

I can't marry you.

You're nervous, aren't ya?
Perfectly natural to be nervous.

I can't do it.

Is this a joke?

Is this a joke, Oscar?
If it is, it's a very rotten joke.

This isn't a joke. Nobody
would joke about a thing like this.

Is it a joke?

I know what it is.
It's the stupid dress!

Me and my crumby taste.
Why don't we go and get me another?

It's not the dress.
- It's not the dress?

So it's the way I talk, isn't it?
I know I say those dumb things,

but if I went to night school...
- Charity, it's not you. It's me.

What are you trying to tell me?

I don't know how to explain it.

Well, try! Holy mackerel, please try!

I have this thing, this mental block.

What? There's a lot of that around.
- It's a stupid,

childish, insane fixation.

It's wrong. I know it's not what
a person's done, it's what's inside.

But I can't help it.

I know it's wrong,
and I can't help it.

I got an idea:

Let's you and me get married,
then we'll talk about your fixation.

It won't do any good.
It's all those other men.

The other men.

No, Oscar, you said
that didn't matter.

I thought if I said it enough,
I could convince myself, but it does.

You're just making a mountain out of
a couple of guys... - How many?

I wanna know exactly.

Oscar, don't talk like that,
because I can't think.

How many?

How far back do you want me to go?

God, I'm a terrible person.
I have no right,

asking you things like that.
- Oscar, you can ask me any question.

I won't hide a thing.
- I don't want to know!

Okay, then you get nothing out of me.

I'm very flexible.
I can go either way.

You're better off without me.
I'm doing you a favor. - Oscar!

Oscar! We could be so happy together!
Growing flowers in New Jersey...

On days your mental block
bothered you, you could stay in bed.

And I'd grow the flowers.

Oscar.

Oscar, listen:

I could change the way I talk.
I could change the way I dress.

But there's certain things a person
can't change, because they're history.

You can't change history, no matter
how much you want to. - Charity...

Oscar, I got so much to give.
Please let me give it to you.

Charity, I'm saving you.
I'm saving you from me.

Well, don't save me.

Marry me.

Don't beg, Charity.
You're too good to beg to anyone.

Oscar!

We don't have to get married.
I mean, we could just...

...be together.

Don't you understand?
I would destroy you.

That's okay.
I'm not doing much now anyway.

Oh God.

Forgive me.

Please forgive me.

Where am I going? What will I find?

What's in this grab-bag
that I call my mind?

What am I doing alone on the shelf?

Ain't it a shame

No-one's to blame but myself

Which way is clear

When you've lost your way

Year after year

Do I keep falling in love

For just the kick of it

Staggering through the thin and thick

Hating each old and tired trick of it

I'm good and sick of it!

Where am I going?

Why do I care?

Run to the Bronx or Washington Square

No matter where I run

I meet myself there

Looking inside me

What do I see?

Anger and hope and doubt!

Where am I going?

Yeah?
Hey, it's the old married lady!

Hi, baby, it's me! How'd it go?
- Nickie...

What are you doing calling?
You must have better things to do!

Nickie, I wanna talk to you.

Hear her, she's all choked up.
I can't tell you how happy we are.

We've been talkin' about it all day.
Tell us about the ceremony.

It must have been beautiful.
- And talk loud. We're all listening!

Yeah, it was beautiful.

Just like in the movies.

Did he give you a nice ring?
- Did he carry you over the threshold?

Oh yeah, he did all those things.

Just like in the movies.

Put the groom on.
We wanna hear his side!

I can't... He can't.

We won't say nothing dirty!

We just wanna say good luck.
Put him on!

Okay, just a second.

Honey?
The girls wanna say good luck.

He says he can't.
He's shaving, you know.

Are you happy, baby?
Are you finally happy?

Yeah. I'm finally happy.

I hope so. Don't talk to us no more.
Any man who's shaving means business.

So long, baby. Thanks for calling.
It meant a lot, you thinking about us.

If the first one's a girl, you can
call it Nickie. - Nick, if it's a boy!

Bye!

Bye.

Looking inside me

What do I see?

Anger, hope, doubt! What am I about?

And where am I going?

He dumped me.

Good morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning!

Good morning!

Morning.

Love!

Love!

Good morning.
- Good morning.

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