Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Oh I love this woman!

Kiss me!

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

I love you.

I love her.

I love you, I love you.

Congratulations, congratulations, good luck to you

and your baby.

Congratulations, congratulations.

I love her!

Thank you!

Good night!

Wife.

Ew.

You're my wife.

Don't say that word.

- Wife, wife, wife, wife. - Ew!

Wife.

My wife.

Husband.

- Oh. - Oh.

Husband.

That really works for me, though.

I like that.

Oh!

We got married, Mom!

Oh my God, oh my God!

Did you hear that, Jim?

I'm so happy Danny that you are married.

Yeah, yeah, I made an honest woman out of her.

Aren't you going to say anything, Nate?

Congratulations, honey.

Thanks, Dad.

What? They already did it.

What's there to say?

Joanne, Nate,

you'll have to come visit us.

Oh, Pearl that-that sounds just lovely.

Sorry, you're frozen again.

What was that?

Oh, okay Mom, I think um

I'm going to find some better wifi here.

Um, can you hear me now?

Ah, it's still off Danny.

- Mom? - Hello?

The more you move around

Yep.

Can you just

stop rotating the camera.

I need coffee.

What are you two going to do about money?

I don't know, Mom.

Make it.

Neither one of you has a job.

Dan's a very good actor.

Who's never booked a gig.

He has booked gigs.

He's booked tons of gigs.

I don't know why you quit working at the firm.

Your father could still use your help.

Mom, I told you. I'm a writer.

If I take a job then I'm suddenly that thing

and I'm not a writer.

We're giving you money.

We don't need it.

I just wish that you would have invited us.

I know.

Oh, great.

You guys made coffee?

Amazing.

Mom, you see this kitchen?

- Yes, it's beautiful. - See the kitchen?

- Oh, it's so. - Mom, it's a good kitchen.

- Can you grab that for me? - Yeah.

You want me to do it?

I can do it.

I can do it.

You just got to twist the thing.

- I gotI got it. - No, you

I got it.

It's hard.

Do you feel better?

Your little tummy.

My tum tum?

Your tum tum.

You can have as much as you want.

We're rich now.

Really?

Yeah, we got all this free money from our wedding.

Shit man, maybe I should get married.

I'm so poor still.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

So far we've gotten like

$800 from like,

aunts and uncles and

my mom's weird Mormon friends.

That's amazing.

We should get hitched.

We'll get hitched.

- Just get loaded, yeah. - Mmhmm.

- All right, let's do it. - Okay.

You guys want burnt hot dogs?

I'm sorry, I left them on the grill too long and

I just, I was not thinking and I was looking, drinking beer

It's okay.

- Aw, married! - Married!

Okay. Okay.

You're married, you're married!

I know. I'm a married man.

Don't touch me like that!

That's cute.

You guys want anymore beers?

Whoa, that was a nice one.

You would fuck my grandpa, that's for sure.

'Course I would! He's a sexual man.

I wouldn't put that past you.

You were always the first to do everything.

That's not true.

Oh, my God. It's so true.

- No! - Yes, you kissed a boy first.

Spin the bottle with Michael Lapner?

That doesn't count.

- It does count. - No way.

You gave a blow job first.

But I taught you the proper technique.

You know, twist, twist.

Lick, lick.

No teeth.

Grandma, oh, oh!

How sad and gross.

Yeah.

Ew, we were just little kids.

I know. Kids giving blow jobs.

That's wrong, that's wrong.

Thinking about that now is like

- We were little. - That's fucked up.

Yeah, yeah.

You were the one to get pregnant first.

Yeah, I won that one.

But this is big.

Yeah.

Dude, it's big.

You should throw a party.

That's what we're doing.

No, like a real party.

Like a real wedding.

No, no no, no.

All that wedding bullshit.

It's not really our thing.

Oh, come on.

Of course it's your thing.

- No. - It's everyone's thing.

Let's celebrate.

- I don't know. - Fine.

I guess it's easier to just run away,

go to the courthouse,

have no one watching.

No, it was cheaper.

Mmhmm.

How did your mom take it?

She flipped.

Oh!

- Joanne. - Joanne!

- Fuckin' Big J. - Big J!

- Big J, J! - J's in the house.

Oh, she must have flipped.

Oh, it was-oh it was like,

the worst day of her life for sure.

Oh, got a text.

What?

Oh, holy shit.

This fucking guy, oh, okay.

Listen to this.

Okay, "I want to shave your pussy and put it on my face."

- Oh, shit! - Yeah.

That's awesome.

You have to date him.

At this point

I'm running against the clock

and I taste the soup and I decide

I'm fed up.

...gas your reflux.

Throw them in the mixer.

It's a big gamble but

it's the risk I've got to take.

Shit.

Come on.

It's the second time it's done it this week.

- I know. - I need to get a new one.

I know.

Oh, wow.

I'm going to flip my hair for you.

Hair flip, yeah.

Say what you want, that works for me.

- I think it does. - Yeah.

Yeah, it's good.

It's the-it's the, looks like a mermaid.

Yeah.

- Ooh? - Oh, it's like

- It's common pasties. - Oh!

- I get it. - Yeah.

- Is your rash gone? - Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

All cleared up.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, I gotta piss.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, fuck!

Thanks for taking care of the place

and Pablo gets one of these morning and night.

- Cool? - Yeah, cool, cool.

- Great. - Okay.

Great. Awesome, thank you.

This is uh,

this is a really nice place that you got here.

Thanks, yeah, I bought it last year.

You own this place?

Yeah.

I mean, it's a bit much though, don't you think?

I don't know, I mean, you work hard,

so you deserve it.

Do you like being a dog walker?

Uh, no, no, I hate it.

Actually, I'm scared of dogs.

No, I'm terrified of dogs.

Uh, I don't

it's a deep-seeded like childhood

kind of phobia thing that I have.

Oh.

Are you serious?

No, I'm joking 'cause that would be weird

if I was a dog walker.

- Yeah, it would. - Yeah that's-

You're an asshole, so.

Well, you're dumb.

Cool.

Oh, you got groceries!

- Hi, baby. - Thank you.

Oh, you got popsicles too.

But don't, I mean,

there's only a few of them in there.

I found some noodles.

So I forgot to tell you, but, um,

I got a job.

- What? - Yeah.

A real like, adult person,

human job job.

Don't look that surprised.

No, no, no, that's great.

That's embarrassing.

I'm so sorry.

That's so good!

This is so good.

I'm sorry.

- This is so great. - Yeah.

What's the job?

Um, so you know that actress uh Hailey Turner?

Uh, I don't know her.

Oh. She was in um the "Hotel Romania" movie,

"The Last Bucharesting Place".

Oh yeah, that sounds awful.

Yeah, well, they're going to do another one.

She's going to Lithuania to shoot another one, so.

Oh, my god.

Did you get a part in the movie?

- Uh. - Oh my god,

you're going to look so cute

getting hacked to bits, you're so cute!

No, I got a job housesitting for her for six months.

- Yeah. - That's cool.

We'll have like a cool not shitty apartment to live in

and they have like, HBO and a pool,

and I think I saw this trampoline at one point,

which is cool and we only have to take care of like,

like her dogs so like,

one's a puppy and the other one,

I think there's something wrong with it.

Right?

We got to live in a cool house for six months.

No, that's cool.

- Yeah. - I mean, it's money,

- which is great. - Yeah, yeah.

Plus, we can afford a party for our wedding.

Didn't we already do that?

Yeah, but like, a real one.

- Oh, like, a real one. - Yeah.

- Like a fancy person. - Yeah.

So everyone knows how badass we are.

- Well, we are badass. - Yeah.

No one's ever gotten married before.

We're the first people to do it.

- Yep. - Yeah.

Just getting married 'cause we want to and shit.

It's crazy.

I'm tired. Take me to the couch.

No, I don't have to carry

Carry me to the couch.

- Again? - Yep.

- Okay. - Yep.

You owe me.

All right.

Oh, my god.

This is so cool.

Let me take you to the crib,

show you how I live.

What's good? What's good?

This is insane!

Check out my spot, yo.

I know, right?

It's big.

- And we're here. - Oh, whoa.

Not bad.

This is awesome.

Hailey Turner.

- I like it. - You like it?

- Mmhmm. - I did good?

- You did good. - Oh, good.

Want to try out the bedroom?

Oh yeah.

Show me the bedroom, baby.

What, wait what are you doing?

I got the job.

What?

I got the job!

The game show I sent my stuff to?

They just hired me as a writer.

Woo!

Woo, oh yeah!

My wife is the smartest woman in the world!

Look how hot she is!

Check her out!

She's very attractive!

We're going to be rich,

and she's so hot.

Can I get a Nintendo?

Wait, what if I suck?

- What if they fire me? - Shh.

You're great at everything.

And she's great at everything!

Okay, let's go have sex now on the beach.

She likes having sex with me,

I can't believe it.

Oh I'm so excited!

Tornado Tammy starting out strong on the rings!

She's trying to swing herself to glory,

but Rachel's not having it

and takes her down into the balls!

Hello, Goosed!

Please hold.

I'm really excited to be here.

I've always wanted to make TV.

Well then you came to the wrong place.

Oh.

You want to know what we make here?

It's a game show.

It's like uh Duck Duck Goose only better.

What do you get

when you combine

heart

and fart?

Art.

That's what we make here.

- Wow. - Yeah.

It is wow.

I'm excited.

I'm excited for you.

Hey, what did you say to him?

Uh, nothing.

'Cause uh that's a really bad sign.

Did he find out he can't have sex with you?

What?

Well he because he probably wants to have sex with you,

or at least think that because you're a woman

and he's the king of all men that you will want him

and now he's found out that you have a boyfriend.

- A husband. - Oh!

Oh that's bad.

Sorry who are you?

Jesus, he's such a narcissist.

He's angry at you for denying him the sex

he thought you'd so desperately want,

which probably led him to think about all the sex he's wanted

and not gotten from all the women he's ever known.

You sent him down a really deep, dark rabbit hole

and it's just your first day,

you work fast.

I think he's just busy.

Yeah.

No.

Well I'm really busy.

I have to get started on these intros.

Cool, I'll let you get to it.

Noah, Gavin wants you for the script meeting.

All right.

Excuse me, hi.

Uh, who is that?

Noah Barringer?

He's the head writer.

What a pack of dicks.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh my god.

That was scary.

Come play with me.

I can't, I've got to work.

- Come on! - No.

Look what I'm wearing.

I found a box full of whip its.

I can't.

- And I also found this. - No I'm working.

- Come on. - No, ow!

- Come on. - Do that again.

At least come swimming with me.

No I want to finish this.

Why do you have to finish this?

Because it's my work.

What do you mean it's your work? It's not important.

It's just you writing for your dumb job.

Come on, swim.

Swim.

Stop.

Later.

Okay people it's almost showtime.

Look alive out here!

Okay, uh, Richman, Tompkins,

Barringer.

Need everybody on set pronto.

Uh, Winters, how's it going?

Fine.

Oh that's frosty Winters,

that's very frosty.

What did I do?

Was it me?

Was it you?

Ah he's got you doing grunt work again,

that's a tough draw.

No I like it, it's fine.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

Um, I can put in a word with him,

get you down on the stage when we're doing the tapings.

You could help us produce.

Ah no, no thanks.

- I'm good, I like it. - Okay, cool.

We got drinks tonight, it's a Thursday tradition.

You should come.

I'm not gonna make it, but, uh,

thank you.

Okay I'm gonna give you one little pointer.

He loves adjectives, so if you could just sprinkle in

a couple of zanys or sneakys he'll think you're a genius.

Okay, cool.

Even if you do stand us up tonight.

Cool, okay.

And he thinks he's better than everyone else,

and the other thing is,

he's not even that funny.

Huh, what are we, who are we talking about here?

Are we talking about, um,

Gavin or the other guy Noah?

Noah, no Gavin is definitely not funny

but Noah, everyone there thinks he's so funny but he's not.

And he doesn't even pitch he just

points out why everyone else's ideas are bad.

And you know who the other people are?

- You. - Me.

- Yeah. - Exactly.

- So annoying. - It's hard.

What do you think I should do?

I don't know honey,

um maybe

just ignore 'em if you can?

You know, don't let him bother you.

Yeah, probably.

Could we try this again?

Yeah sorry.

Okay, okay.

Leonard, Sydney, Jack Oh no, stop that please.

- Can you please stop? - Isis?

What is this?

Can you not read those?

I forgot those were there.

Can we run it?

- Can we please run it? - Penelope, Carmine, Christmas?

- Potential baby names. - What?

What?

Tambourine?

- It's for a little girl. - Well obviously.

You've clearly put a lot of thought into this.

Mordecai, are we raising him on a shtetl?

Franny, come on, please,

let me, just run the lines with me,

don't be mean.

Okay, sorry.

And that's why at Wendy's we only offer the best.

Wendy's salads aren't fresh,

they're furesh dawg.

You think I should do the dawg or like that?

What?

I'm sorry, it just says right here

that you're also going to be dressed like a dog.

Okay, thank you for taking this very seriously.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

You're too funny.

That's a good problem.

I'm leaving for work.

Jesus, already?

We need makeup in here!

Guys, guys, this whole area is on camera.

Can we get last looks on Stacy?

Okay music run, for camera!

Winters, you joined us.

You got those intros?

Yeah here.

Let's hear 'em.

- Now? - Now.

- You-you want me to- - Mhmm.

In this high octane episode of Goosed,

Brian, an accountant from Toledo, bites the dust

and things get zany when Mary, a housewife from Calabasas

surprises everyone with her dynamo foot speed.

Buckle up, you're about to get Goosed.

I love them.

Cool, thanks.

Nope, stay.

We could use you here.

All right people, back to ones.

Oh thanks.

Okay, okay, rehearsal is up.

Lights in five, four, three, two.

I'm Stacy Delacourt and this is Goosed.

Oh, sorry.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

Where you going?

Here, I was going here for Thursday night work drinks.

Well that's cool.

I didn't think you were gonna show.

Well, here I am.

Thank god because

looks like everybody else bailed.

Will you buy me a drink, please?

I'm your boss.

Come on!

What do you want, what do you like?

Um, whiskey, they have whiskey?

- You have whiskey. - Yeah.

- They have whiskey. - Awesome, thank you.

We are in luck.

Wait, you grew up in Glendale?

Uh, no, I moved there when I was 12.

I'm from Arcadia.

- Oh jesus. - Oh it's not that bad.

- Oh I think it is. - It's not that bad.

- You're from New York? - Mhmm.

- Like the city? - Mhmm.

Cool.

Here's the real question.

I know Gavin is a total dick,

but otherwise how are you liking Goosed?

I like it.

- Um, today was awesome. - It was right?

Today was awesome!

I'd like to have my own show someday.

You?

You will.

- You think? - Mhmm.

- No I know it. - Thank you.

I guess I just hate waiting.

You know what you are?

You're adorable.

Ugh, that's condescending.

Just because I'm younger and I'm a woman

you assume I don't have a problem being infantilized.

Stop it, stop it please you have to let me finish.

You're also a super duper cutie pie.

Ugh, asshole!

You have to let a man finish, come on.

God, who put this on?!

This isn't fair, this isn't right!

I mean, what the fuck?

No.

You're my fucking slave.

God his cock is so fucking good!

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Say it fucking louder!

My sweaty ass.

Feels good to sit my ass on your face.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh fuck.

Oh shit, this is Hailey's fucking, ugh.

I got it inside the pages?

How did I get it in the pages?

That's awful.

- Come on, just tell me. - Mmmm.

You're avoiding the question!

Fine I was once a playwright.

What, no!

I know.

It's actually better than I hoped.

It's hilarious right?

Yeah.

Playwright from New York.

I know,

who woulda thought?

So what happened?

Nobody liked your plays because plays suck?

Plays do not suck,

plays are the highest form of dramatic art

and I was actually pretty good at it, too.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

How good were you?

I had two plays published,

I had a decent review from Isherwood

who said I was a wordsmith to watch.

- Oh Isherwood, nice. - Yeah.

I know my own reviews.

I can quote 'em all back to you.

We need more booze.

You know what,

we need to eat.

Wait, this-this-this way.

This way, here.

Oh thank you!

No I got it.

Hey Bowser, you read this?

You read this?

"Someone somewhere can you understand me a little?

"Love me a little or am I sentenced

"to a lifetime of solitude

"floating alone down life's river of pain?"

Dude!

You gotta look after your mom,

she's floating down rivers of pain in here.

Jesus.

Let's take a look.

It is so hot in Romania.

It is so hot in Romania.

It is so hot in Romania.

Thank you.

This steak costs $62.

I know.

You have a good job, you can afford it.

I never even spend $62 on shoes or

a doctor.

Oh, well maybe that's the problem.

Problem?

You don't have a problem.

You just said that I have a problem.

- No. - You did!

You clearly just said that.

Come on, tell me,

I can take it.

You remind me of me when I was your age.

I always wanted so much,

but then when I got what I wanted,

I was always too afraid to take it.

Oh my god, one second,

sorry.

Oop, that's my wife,

one second.

- Sorry. - No it's okay.

That was rude.

I didn't know you were married.

Yeah, I've been married for three years now.

Oh wow.

- It's frigging awesome. - Yeah no, so good.

So intense, but it's also it's like I think the pinnacle

Everything feels deeper.

And there's a sense of calm knowing

that you find your person, you know?

Yeah absolutely. Sally, my wife, she

Sally, right.

Sally she's so beautiful,

but she's got like a beautiful spirit.

Yeah.

No Dan, Dan is so

good, you know?

He's just incredibly good.

I'm lucky that he's the person that I love.

Thank you.

Look at this.

- Oh my god! - I know, right?

That's so much meat in one man's mouth!

- I can do it too. - Oh, yeah?

You're living the dream, baby!

You're living the dream.

There's this awesome El Salvadorian bar

right around the corner

Uh, II should

I should probably go home.

Probably.

Sally's probably waiting for ya.

Nah, she's out of town.

Goodnight.

Yep, see you tomorrow.

And every day after!

Nice driving asshole!

I'm sorry.

Yeah, but you didn't call, you didn't come home.

Yeah, no, I texted you.

You did?

Yeah, like a bunch,

and you never texted me back.

Well, II didn't get 'em.

Well, I sent them.

It's 'cause of the hills.

I guess.

What did you do?

Um,

I just, I blanked and I drove home instead of

to what's her name's house.

I was tired so I decided to stay here.

Yeah, that's-that's great Franny,

but like, if you're not gonna come home,

you have to call at least.

I was worried all night

Yeah, I texted.

Okay, that's not enough though.

You have to call me, okay?

I was worried.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You know what?

- That's-that's not enough. - I'm sorry.

Did you have fun last night at least?

Was it-was it

Who was there? Like what?

Franny? Franny?

Fucking hills!

Let's go, let's go, come on, come on.

You're taking your shit, let's go.

You're freaking out 'cause you have a crush?

I'm not supposed to feel this way ever again.

All of my love and my, you know,

my sexual everything it's-it's

it's all channelled into one person now and that person

- is Dan. - Dan.

Dan, exactly, exactly.

- Resolved. - Good, great.

I gotta get back.

Okay, thank you.

Morgan's being such a little bitch.

I'm like dude, this place is fuckin' empty

- I had a fantasy. - Woah.

I had a sex fantasy.

Okay, okay.

About Noah.

It's like, you know like, oh, you know.

- Like when you just wanna. - Oh my god.

You know? Like-

Okay.

Please help me.

Jesus, you just have a pussy.

- Yeah. - Okay.

You have loins.

You're human, you-you wanna fuck the dude,

he wants to fuck you,

you're a human, he's a human,

that's-that's how humans work.

I know, I know, I know.

Listen.

Listen.

Are you listening?

- Yes. - Okay.

This guy is not special.

Yeah.

No, you're right.

Okay, you good?

- Yep. - Okay.

- I gotta go. - Okay, bye.

Bye.

Love you.

- Woah. - How's that?

Hey, pretty good.

Pretty good.

- Looks awesome. - Yeah.

What?

I got you something.

What'd you get me?

Oh, my, what is this?

What are you doing?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for?

I don't know.

Everything.

Nothing to be sorry about.

I had a dream last night that we had lots of sex.

Wanna have that dream again.

Oh, shit.

- Hey. - Shit.

Where you goin'?

Why are you moving around so much?

We had sex without a condom last night.

Why did you let us do that?

Why did I let us do that?

Fuck.

Relax.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the drugstore.

I need to not be pregnant right now.

Where the fuck are my jeans?

I don't know where your jeans are, baby.

Just calm down, okay?

Come here.

Franny, Franny, Franny Franny, Franny, Franny.

Just take a-

No, don't.

Can you please sit down for one second

- I have to go. - And we can talk about this?

- No, I need to go! - Franny, sit down.

I need to not be pregnant right now.

Sit down, sit down, okay?

We can talk about this.

Slow down.

It's okay.

Huh, it's okay.

In the off-

in the off chance that you're pregnant, right?

We can make that decision together.

You know?

I-I, you know, I wanna have a baby, so it's-

You do?

Yeah, of course.

Right now?

- I don't know, soon. - Soon?

I don't-

I feel like we've talked about this.

Well, we have not talked about this.

You read a list of baby names

That list was a joke.

Jesus, it was not a joke.

That's how you tell me you wanna have a baby?

If you were pregnant right now,

would you keep the baby?

- No. - Why not?

We're married.

I can want to be married to you and also not want a child.

Are you saying to me that you never want to

have a child with me?

No, that's not what I said. That's not what I said.

Why are we even talking about this right now?

I'm not gonna have a baby.

What do you want?

I don't wanna fight.

Get you your little drop here.

Gotcha, and I gotcha.

Okay, okay.

That was easy.

Now you have X-ray vision.

X-ray vision.

Hey, um hi,

Hailey Turner?

This is Dan,

Dan Delaney.

Do you have a second?

I-I just wanted to talk to you about Pablo.

Is he allowed up on the couch?

- Hey. - Yeah.

What are you doin'?

I was just gonna finish this and then I'd go home.

No, Gavin wants you to run the set.

- Let's go. - Really?

- Yeah, really. - Okay.

- C'mon. - Coming.

Don't giggle like that.

Yeah, Pablo found a whole slice of pizza in a bush.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, the little guy got it

in his tiny little mouth.

He's quite the rascal.

He's the biggest rascal in the west, aren't you?

Yeah, he's a good boy.

I'm so happy that you're taking care of my babies.

They're my babies now too.

Dan? Are you up?

I gotta go shoot my death scene now.

Don't I look cute?

- Very. - Bye Dan.

Alright, see ya.

You're still up, yay.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hello, hey.

How are you? How was your day?

Good, fine, you know, it's fine.

Just fine?

Yeah, yeah.

What did you do?

Nothin', just, you know, walked the dogs,

sort of thing.

Okay.

Wanna know what I did?

Sure.

Oh, I had the craziest day.

So we're on our second taping of the night, right?

And Gavin makes Noah and I completely rewrite

everything we had done the night before.

Like, everything, which is totally crazy

because Noah had this great idea that Gavin either

never fully understood or understood too well

and was threatened by and therefore scrapped it

before it had the chance to work.

I got so mad but Noah just takes it in his very calm,

zen-like way, you know?

He has this great attitude of like, this job

doesn't define me.

Isn't that a great attitude?

I have a bad attitude, I should fix that.

Okay, what's wrong?

Why don't I ever meet the people that you work with?

You come home and you're talking about all these people

that I've never met

and you talk about them all the time.

So I'd like to meet them at least so I

Trust me, you do not wanna meet Gavin.

He's such an idiot,

Honestly, you would mock him to his face.

You wouldn't be able to handle it.

Okay, what about Noah?

Meet Noah?

You wanna meet Noah?

We could all do dinner.

We should have him and Sally over here for dinner.

It'll be like our first dinner party.

Wanna do that?

It'll be fun.

Yeah, that sounds good.

I'd like that.

Okay.

Did you know you have a mole on your neck

shaped like Florida?

Yeah, that's always been there.

Franny? Hello?

- Hey, this place is unbelievable. - Hi.

Yeah, it's pretty great, right?

This is, uh, Sally.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's so nice to meet you.

- Yeah, I've heard- - I've heard, yeah.

I've heard so much about, um.

Dan, this is Noah.

- Hi. Nice to meet - Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Here. - Hey, wow.

Thank you.

- Hi, Dan. - Sally.

So everything's kind of over there.

This is nice.

You smell great.

This is nice, this is not from Trader Joe's.

- I know that much. - No, it's not.

We have white wine, beers, uh

And of course,

an hour before our wedding,

all the power along the PCH goes out.

- No. - Oh, yes.

So then I lost my mind.

I just became a total spaz.

I mean, like, bridezilla.

I was crying,

I was screaming,

I may or may not have thrown something.

No, you only threw my phone against a wall twice.

I know, I'm sorry, honey.

But I have a good excuse.

See, I was completely insane.

So what happened?

It's giving me sweats just thinking about it.

Thank you.

Noah, god bless him,

he sat me down,

he dried my cheeks,

and he said that he didn't care where or when

we got married.

Could be in the fucking dark for all he cared

I did not curse on our wedding day.

You did, you totally did.

And you said that nothing could ruin this day

because it would always be our day.

Wow, that's

- that's beautiful. - Yeah, that's really beautiful.

We should remember that for our wedding.

I thought you were married.

No we are, we just

we never had a real wedding.

Probably never will.

No, we're going to.

We're going to, now that I can afford it, we're going to.

I think in March, right?

Sure.

March is great, springtime.

So Dan, what is it that you do again?

I know you don't get to see Franny very often

'cause she's locked up in duck, duck, goose jail with me.

I'm a dog-walker, so I do I walk dogs.

Why did I think that you're an actor?

Franny, you told me he was an actor, right?

- He is an actor. - Oh I do that as well.

- He's an excellent actor. - No, no.

Uh, two years ago was the last time I was paid to act, so.

Yeah, I'm an excellent actor.

Daniel Day Lewis over here.

I'm a consumer consultant.

Cool, that's awesome.

I'm really sorry about the fish.

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

I just feel so bad.

It was supposed to be like a

like a poached halibut um something,

- brown sauce. - No, fish is hard.

- Lemon really helps. - Mhm.

Yeah it is, it is hard,

that's why I told you you shouldn't try it.

Which wasn't very helpful.

Well, I set the table.

You did.

He did set the table.

And the forks are on the left side.

Oh, babe?

Will you get more wine?

Did I tell you I'm training for a marathon?

What?

You're becoming one of those people?

- I know, it's awful. - It's awful.

Uh, I got some, uh,

some leftovers if you guys are interested.

It's leftover chicken from this morning.

If you guys want some, it's chicken.

Want some honey?

- Sure. - It's for you.

Thank you babe. Mmm.

- Want some? - Oh, it's really good.

Thank you.

I'll-I'll have some.

- That looks good. - You don't have to do that.

It's fine.

Oh, it smells good.

You want some?

- I'm okay, thank you. - You sure?

- It's really delicious. - No I'm really okay,

- thank you. - It's good and cold.

There's dark meat and some light meat.

And I don't know, what's the difference between

dark meat and light meat?

- The colour. - The kind of the-

- the kind of the chicken. - Where-

Yeah.

The owner of this house has unbelievable penmanship.

- Gorgeous! - I'll say that for her.

This is incredible.

Yes, this is the chick.

That's her face and this is the inside of her soul.

- Wait a second. - Wait, you gotta read,

you gotta wait 'til you get to the poetry.

There's verse?

This chick, she writes like, she's in these fucking movies

but she writes.

This is gorgeous, these are gorgeous.

- Gorgeous. - These are gorgeous.

We should use these.

What's her rhyme scheme of choice?

Hey, hey, stop!

Stop that, don't read that.

- Stop reading from that. - Sorry sorry sorry.

Don't-don't read this.

This is-this is private stuff,

no one else reads this.

We were kidding.

This is my job, Franny.

I have a job too, you know.

I know.

Do you?

Because you're not treating me with any

People need respect.

Huh? People need respect, she needs respect.

Everyone needs respect.

You know, this woman,

she's-she's-she's something else, man.

She-

she gets it, she understands and-and you're making fun.

And that's not nice, it's very rude.

I-I-I just-I just think it's very-very bad taste.

Oh fuck.

Oh, Dan.

Hey man, I'm so sorry.

Fuck!

I'm sorry, babe.

I'll be walking the dogs.

Jesus.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Ah sorry, I was just-

I was looking for the bathroom.

I saw this.

Now this is some good poetry.

What's up?

Are you okay?

Mmhmm.

Do you ever feel like something?

Sometimes everything is just hard?

All the time.

Do you remember where we work?

Here listen to this.

"A mermaid found a swimming lad,

"Picked him for her own,

"Pressed her body to his body,

"Laughed; and plunging down,

"Forgot in cruel happiness

"That even lovers drown."

God I hope Dan knows

how lucky he is.

Thanks for dinner.

We'll let ourselves out.

Hey!

What the?

Franny?

You just rear ended my car!

Um-

You texted me

that it was like an emergency or something-

No, I'm fine.

- Are you drunk? - Everything's fine, no.

You're a little drunk.

No, I-I'm fine. I just-

Just what?

It was hoping that, uh, like, um.

What?

What?

We can go to my apartment.

Yeah.

Right here?

Yeah.

Is that okay?

Oh, my god.

Are they your tits?

Oh, I'm sorry.

- What? - My shoes.

Oh.

All right, there.

Is that all right?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, okay.

- Is that all right? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - This is good, right?

- Yeah. - It's what we wanted.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

You okay?

Oh, uh.

Okay, yeah, I'm going to cum.

Okay, don't cum inside.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

- That's, there, ah. - All right.

Sorry.

Oh god.

Wow.

It's a whole process, huh?

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh, you'll-you'll shoot me a text though, right?

When you uh-

when you're back, just so I now you're okay?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Franny?

Where were you?

On a walk.

Tonight was the worst.

I know.

I know, I'm sorry.

That was my fault.

All my fault.

What's with you and that diary?

Nothing.

What's with you and that guy?

Nothing.

Hey, don't cry.

Come here.

Don't cry. Come here, baby

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

It's okay.

I love you.

- I love you, too. - I love you.

Ow, ow.

You got to be careful because I hurt my nose.

It's hurting.

Are you okay?

Oh.

No, not a choreographer.

Like, an actual...

Anyway, can we just find something else

besides a v-neck?

No, I'm not being funny.

Please just like, something,

something slimming.

Yeah, I don't care.

He doesn't look good in cords.

You can tell him from me, it's not the lighting.

It's his face.

Trust me, orzo is not gluten free.

I don't care what he's telling you.

The catering is absolute garbage.

We need more sandwiches.

Bye.

Hello.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good.

How'd you sleep?

Um, I slept great.

How 'bout you?

Good, good.

Uh, so last night, I-

Hey, you know, I have to-

I have to get these revisions to Gavin asap.

Cool, okay.

But I'll see you later, okay?

House keys,

um eye drops, medicine.

Yep, that's it, boys.

I think that's it.

So in an hour, your mom's going to be back

and, uh that's it

then I'll be gone.

- Hey. - Oh, my god!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, uh.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm the, uh, I'm the-the dog sitter.

Who are you?

I'm here to take care of the dogs.

Hailey said you'd be gone?

Yeah, yep.

Yep. That's where I'm going.

Um, I'm going now.

Um, I-I gave uh Apollo his eye drops

and I-I fed both the dogs.

See ya.

Stupid.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

Want some ice cream?

Nnn nnn.

Hey.

Love you.

Love you too.

This girl is getting married tomorrow!

Ugh, okay sweetie,

it's time for you to go home.

No, I don't wanna, I'm going to stay here.

You look so pretty.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

I'm just stressed, which is normal.

Everyone's stressed.

Shh, just take a deep breath.

Maybe it's just like,

that the first year of marriage

is the hardest, you know?

Like, that old saying.

And like, in a few years,

I'll look back at it and laugh.

Baby, look at me.

That saying's bullshit.

The first year should be your best.

It wasn't, none of us would stick around

because it only gets harder.

Much harder.

That's horrible.

Life is horrible.

Baby girl.

You should be busting at the seams right now.

No.

I feel really stupid.

Oh no, baby, no.

I just feel bad.

Oh my sweetheart, no.

You didn't hug me enough as a kid.

I think that's why I have so many problems.

Really?

I was a bad wife.

I think I was a bad wife too.

Come on, guys!

Hey guys, hello.

I'm so bad at this.

Um, hi.

Thank you all for being here for our wedding party

for a wedding that already happened.

We like to do everything backwards.

Um...

but that's not the only reason why we're here.

Yeah, there's something else that we need to tell you, um-

We don't want to be married anymore.

We tried it and it wasn't for us.

We tried.

You don't know if you don't try.

To Franny.

- Cheers. - Cheers!

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