Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,254 --> 00:00:03,023
What's up, Marlatans?
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
2
00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:04,376
You know, a man's place
3
00:00:04,377 --> 00:00:06,145
should reflect who the man is.
4
00:00:06,146 --> 00:00:07,546
When you look around here, you say,
5
00:00:07,547 --> 00:00:10,282
"Damn, that man is divorced as hell."
6
00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:12,231
In my kitchen, I don't even know
7
00:00:12,231 --> 00:00:13,898
where the damn pots are,
8
00:00:13,899 --> 00:00:16,133
but I know where
that Foreman grill is, though!
9
00:00:16,134 --> 00:00:18,768
Then there's my miscellaneous drawer
10
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,270
full with mystery things,
11
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:23,240
like mystery keys,
12
00:00:23,241 --> 00:00:25,108
mystery sauce packets,
13
00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:27,043
and, oh, look!
14
00:00:27,044 --> 00:00:29,379
Mystery panties.
15
00:00:29,380 --> 00:00:30,547
Ain't mine.
16
00:00:30,548 --> 00:00:32,449
[percussive music]
17
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,184
And in my living room,
18
00:00:34,185 --> 00:00:35,619
there's a nasty old couch
19
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,787
with a nasty old man that lives on it.
20
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:40,857
♪
21
00:00:40,858 --> 00:00:42,492
As cool as this place is,
22
00:00:42,493 --> 00:00:44,461
it just ain't me anymore.
23
00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:46,463
It's time to make some changes
up in here.
24
00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:48,698
But I'm keeping
that Foreman grill, though!
25
00:00:48,699 --> 00:00:50,967
Now who wants some dry-ass sliders?
26
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,736
I do!
27
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:54,704
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
28
00:00:54,705 --> 00:00:56,606
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
29
00:00:56,607 --> 00:00:58,408
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
30
00:00:58,409 --> 00:01:03,221
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
31
00:01:04,916 --> 00:01:06,516
Tomorrow morning?
32
00:01:06,517 --> 00:01:07,951
Perfect.
33
00:01:07,952 --> 00:01:09,486
Thank God for plumbers.
34
00:01:09,487 --> 00:01:11,154
I thought you said Marlon fixed
35
00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,656
that sink upstairs.
36
00:01:12,657 --> 00:01:13,924
He fixed it, all right.
37
00:01:13,925 --> 00:01:16,326
That's why I had to call the plumber.
38
00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:18,962
And since Marlon is going away
to Vegas this weekend,
39
00:01:18,963 --> 00:01:20,964
he'll never know I fixed his fix.
40
00:01:20,965 --> 00:01:23,400
Well, ignorance is bliss,
41
00:01:23,401 --> 00:01:24,834
which is why Marlon's always got
42
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:31,675
that stupid grin on his face.
43
00:01:31,676 --> 00:01:33,543
Hi, Ashley.
44
00:01:33,544 --> 00:01:36,513
Hi, Trashley.
45
00:01:36,514 --> 00:01:38,215
I thought you were going to Vegas.
46
00:01:38,216 --> 00:01:39,883
I was, but I wanted to stop by
47
00:01:39,884 --> 00:01:42,185
and say a few things. Number one,
48
00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,321
I wanted to get "Trashley"
off my plate.
49
00:01:44,322 --> 00:01:47,557
Been sitting on that one
for quite some time.
50
00:01:47,558 --> 00:01:49,559
And number two, I got big news.
51
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,461
We're buying our house!
52
00:01:51,462 --> 00:01:52,729
We?
53
00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:57,701
Negro, you can't even afford
a birdhouse.
54
00:01:57,702 --> 00:02:00,270
The owner of the house
I'm renting is selling it,
55
00:02:00,271 --> 00:02:01,504
and I got first dibs.
56
00:02:01,505 --> 00:02:02,939
Oh, really?
57
00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:04,574
But you always said that neighborhood
58
00:02:04,575 --> 00:02:07,043
was full of stuck-up,
recycling douchebags.
59
00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:10,513
Yeah, I did say that,
but the asexual, sad-sack nerd
60
00:02:10,514 --> 00:02:11,548
who does my taxes
61
00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:13,817
said I need a big deduction.
62
00:02:13,818 --> 00:02:16,519
I believe the term I used
was "write-off."
63
00:02:18,723 --> 00:02:22,025
Now all we need is the approval
of the homeowners' association,
64
00:02:22,026 --> 00:02:23,393
so we're throwing a little shindig
65
00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:24,995
on Monday night
so Marlon can win them over.
66
00:02:24,996 --> 00:02:27,230
Yes, and the lady
who runs the committee
67
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,132
is married, so I gotta be careful.
68
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,133
You know, there's a fine line
69
00:02:30,134 --> 00:02:31,434
between charming Marlon
70
00:02:31,435 --> 00:02:33,470
and smash-able Marlon.
71
00:02:33,471 --> 00:02:36,306
I want to be a homeowner,
not a homewrecker.
72
00:02:38,142 --> 00:02:40,443
Okay, Daddy, will you please tell Zack
73
00:02:40,444 --> 00:02:42,646
the odds of winning in Vegas
are staggeringly low?
74
00:02:42,647 --> 00:02:43,713
She don't know that.
75
00:02:43,714 --> 00:02:44,714
Okay, listen.
76
00:02:44,715 --> 00:02:46,349
Put this dollar on black.
77
00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:47,617
No, red.
78
00:02:47,618 --> 00:02:48,985
No, black.
79
00:02:48,986 --> 00:02:50,820
- No, red.
- Irregardless
80
00:02:50,821 --> 00:02:52,255
of where he puts it,
81
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:54,557
your bad-luck daddy's
going to lose that cash.
82
00:02:54,558 --> 00:02:55,859
[laughs]
83
00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:57,093
"Bad-luck daddy" sounds like
84
00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,628
your father's autobiography.
85
00:02:58,629 --> 00:03:01,164
[laughter]
86
00:03:01,165 --> 00:03:04,267
Sorry. It was good.
87
00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:05,902
You know what, Marlon? I'm excited
88
00:03:05,903 --> 00:03:07,237
about you buying that house.
89
00:03:07,238 --> 00:03:08,838
I've always liked the bones of it.
90
00:03:08,839 --> 00:03:10,407
Yeah, and you know, I always loved
91
00:03:10,408 --> 00:03:11,908
the bones of this house.
92
00:03:11,909 --> 00:03:13,510
Remember that one we did
right there on the counter?
93
00:03:13,511 --> 00:03:15,278
Oh-ho-ho!
94
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,347
Right there! Ha, ha, ha!
95
00:03:17,348 --> 00:03:19,449
I'm just hoping
for a more comfortable couch
96
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:22,519
once Marlon redecorates.
97
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,220
You're redecorating?
98
00:03:24,221 --> 00:03:26,589
No, I'm just moving
some things around.
99
00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:27,857
Nothing big.
100
00:03:27,858 --> 00:03:30,026
Well, why didn't you ask for my help?
101
00:03:30,027 --> 00:03:31,127
This is my lane.
102
00:03:31,662 --> 00:03:33,129
Plus, we decorated
this house together,
103
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,331
so I know your style.
104
00:03:34,332 --> 00:03:35,899
Yeah, but you know,
105
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:39,002
you... you're busy.
You know, with the kids...
106
00:03:39,003 --> 00:03:41,004
She's a professional designer, Marlon.
107
00:03:41,005 --> 00:03:42,505
You'd be a fool to say no.
108
00:03:42,506 --> 00:03:44,808
And I'd be happy to help. In fact,
109
00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:46,009
I insist.
110
00:03:46,010 --> 00:03:47,877
Marlon, she insists.
111
00:03:47,878 --> 00:03:49,713
I believe the phrase
you're looking for is
112
00:03:49,714 --> 00:03:51,915
[high-pitched] "Thank you, Ashley.
113
00:03:51,916 --> 00:03:54,384
"That's what I wanted you to say.
114
00:03:54,385 --> 00:03:58,221
Mm, girl, I'm so thankful."
115
00:03:58,222 --> 00:03:59,522
Oh, my God! I'm so excited.
116
00:03:59,523 --> 00:04:01,224
- Yeah...
- All right, so while you guys
117
00:04:01,225 --> 00:04:02,959
are in Vegas,
Yvette and I'll swing by,
118
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,295
take some measurements,
and when you get back,
119
00:04:05,296 --> 00:04:06,863
we can discuss the mood board
120
00:04:06,864 --> 00:04:08,732
that is percolating in my mind.
121
00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:10,233
Oh!
122
00:04:10,234 --> 00:04:12,102
Yeah, this is great.
123
00:04:12,103 --> 00:04:15,138
Ah, Ashley's going to decorate
my house.
124
00:04:15,139 --> 00:04:16,539
[percussive music]
125
00:04:16,540 --> 00:04:18,108
This is terrible.
126
00:04:18,109 --> 00:04:20,009
Ashley's going to decorate my house.
127
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,378
Why are you so upset?
128
00:04:21,379 --> 00:04:22,379
Stevie,
129
00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:24,013
Ashley don't know what I like.
130
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,549
We were married.
131
00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:28,718
And let me tell you something:
When "we" decorated
132
00:04:28,719 --> 00:04:30,353
"our house," hmph.
133
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:32,122
I just "mm-hm" and "yeah, baby"
134
00:04:32,123 --> 00:04:35,592
my way through the entire thing.
135
00:04:35,593 --> 00:04:37,060
Now I'll be stuck with bed skirts
136
00:04:37,061 --> 00:04:39,629
and itchy throws and pillow shams.
137
00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:42,198
I am not mad at a nice sham.
138
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:43,666
Stevie,
139
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:46,803
I want my house
to reflect who I am now.
140
00:04:46,804 --> 00:04:48,605
You know, I want it to reflect
single Marlon.
141
00:04:48,606 --> 00:04:49,606
You know?
142
00:04:49,607 --> 00:04:51,541
Grown and sexy Marlon.
143
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:53,910
Threesome Marlon.
144
00:04:53,911 --> 00:04:55,678
Ain't no girls gonna walk in my house
145
00:04:55,679 --> 00:04:56,913
and be excited by pillow shams.
146
00:04:56,914 --> 00:04:59,182
Like, "Oh, my God! Lisa!
147
00:04:59,183 --> 00:05:01,050
"Girl, he got shams!
148
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:04,320
"Get ready to take your panties off!
149
00:05:04,321 --> 00:05:06,089
"Oh, hold on, girl!
150
00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:07,757
"Are those coasters?
151
00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:09,125
"Ooh, you mean to tell me,
152
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:10,393
"you don't leave circles
153
00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,395
"on good wood and countertops?
154
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:15,331
"Oh, he about to get it today!
155
00:05:15,332 --> 00:05:18,334
Being my first..."
156
00:05:18,335 --> 00:05:19,769
Well, okay, if you didn't like
157
00:05:19,770 --> 00:05:21,571
Ashley's style,
why don't you just tell her?
158
00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,373
Because, Stevie, when you're married,
159
00:05:23,374 --> 00:05:24,707
you gotta keep the peace
160
00:05:24,708 --> 00:05:26,075
at all costs.
161
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:27,610
You know, you could keep it real,
162
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:29,612
but you can't keep it
really, really real.
163
00:05:29,613 --> 00:05:31,981
You know, it's just
the politics of marriage.
164
00:05:31,982 --> 00:05:33,817
[laughs] But Marlon,
165
00:05:33,818 --> 00:05:35,451
you're divorced.
166
00:05:38,456 --> 00:05:40,223
Wow, Stevie.
167
00:05:40,224 --> 00:05:41,658
You're right.
168
00:05:41,659 --> 00:05:44,661
Me and Ashley are just friends,
like me and you,
169
00:05:44,662 --> 00:05:46,463
and I always keep it real with you.
170
00:05:46,464 --> 00:05:48,498
[chuckles] A little too real.
171
00:05:48,499 --> 00:05:50,633
I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't keep it so real
172
00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:52,001
about my insecurities.
173
00:05:52,002 --> 00:05:52,969
Come on, no.
174
00:05:52,970 --> 00:05:56,372
You love it, Mommy Hips.
175
00:05:56,373 --> 00:05:58,107
You got them hips
that back in the day,
176
00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:01,644
they'd go, "That's a good woman!
177
00:06:01,645 --> 00:06:03,379
She got them birthing hips!"
178
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,447
[laughs]
179
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,682
You know what?
180
00:06:05,683 --> 00:06:06,816
I'ma talk to Ashley,
181
00:06:06,817 --> 00:06:08,351
I'ma be like, "You know what?
182
00:06:08,352 --> 00:06:11,054
I don't need your help
redecorating my house."
183
00:06:11,055 --> 00:06:13,356
That's exactly what I'ma do,
184
00:06:13,357 --> 00:06:15,158
as soon as we get back.
185
00:06:15,359 --> 00:06:18,428
[rap music]
186
00:06:18,429 --> 00:06:19,762
♪ Hella
187
00:06:21,699 --> 00:06:25,702
Maybe you should've
texted her from the car.
188
00:06:27,947 --> 00:06:32,742
What in the Summer's Eve
commercial is this?
189
00:06:32,742 --> 00:06:34,401
Oh, no!
190
00:06:34,402 --> 00:06:37,457
You guys ruined the surprise!
191
00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:39,748
Why are you back from Vegas so soon?
192
00:06:39,749 --> 00:06:43,402
Ashley, it looks like
your vision board just...
193
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,659
percolated over my house.
194
00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:46,760
Yeah, sorry.
195
00:06:47,353 --> 00:06:48,548
I-I know I jumped the gun
a little bit,
196
00:06:48,549 --> 00:06:50,706
but I figured since your HOA party
197
00:06:50,707 --> 00:06:52,931
is tomorrow, we should
get it done before then.
198
00:06:52,932 --> 00:06:55,389
Hey, Stevie, look.
199
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:56,983
Shams!
200
00:06:56,984 --> 00:07:00,204
Remember, no more politics.
201
00:07:00,205 --> 00:07:01,766
You are gonna love what we did
202
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:03,093
with the second bedroom.
203
00:07:03,094 --> 00:07:05,817
Wait, there's a second bedroom?
204
00:07:05,818 --> 00:07:08,440
Now, b-b-b-but ladies, wai-ha-ha-ha.
205
00:07:08,441 --> 00:07:10,433
Uh, before we continue with the tour,
206
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:13,422
um, I want to thank you for
your hard work,
207
00:07:13,423 --> 00:07:15,481
and tell you how much I appreciate it.
208
00:07:15,482 --> 00:07:17,307
However, um,
209
00:07:17,308 --> 00:07:19,334
there's just a few little things
210
00:07:19,335 --> 00:07:21,591
that... that really don't jive
211
00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:23,252
with my persona, per se.
212
00:07:23,253 --> 00:07:25,078
Oh, okay.
213
00:07:25,079 --> 00:07:26,407
Like which ones?
214
00:07:26,408 --> 00:07:28,499
Mm, just like...
215
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:35,639
Alllllll...
216
00:08:11,938 --> 00:08:13,532
[gasps for breath]
217
00:08:14,927 --> 00:08:21,767
Alllll....
218
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,428
All this.
219
00:08:25,455 --> 00:08:27,612
But Marlon, that's everything.
220
00:08:27,613 --> 00:08:29,074
Yeah, that's...
221
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,265
that's the word I was looking for.
222
00:08:31,266 --> 00:08:32,660
Everything.
223
00:08:32,661 --> 00:08:37,907
But it's hard to say
"everythiiiing..."
224
00:08:38,871 --> 00:08:41,095
I see.
225
00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:43,254
Ashley, but wait... I-I do like this.
226
00:08:43,255 --> 00:08:44,283
This is nice. Look.
227
00:08:44,284 --> 00:08:45,745
It reminds me of you.
228
00:08:45,746 --> 00:08:47,862
It looks like you on a roller coaster
229
00:08:47,862 --> 00:08:49,655
when it goes upside-down.
230
00:08:49,656 --> 00:08:50,984
And this is when you get off,
231
00:08:50,985 --> 00:08:52,312
and your hair's all messed up,
232
00:08:52,313 --> 00:08:54,204
and this is after you get it relaxed,
233
00:08:54,205 --> 00:08:55,305
and it's like, hey.
234
00:08:56,232 --> 00:08:58,722
Marlon, that's the one thing
I kept that was yours.
235
00:08:59,785 --> 00:09:01,511
It's not that it's all bad.
236
00:09:01,512 --> 00:09:03,471
It's... it's just not for me.
237
00:09:03,472 --> 00:09:05,695
You know? It's too well-put-together.
238
00:09:05,696 --> 00:09:07,887
It looks like the set
of a white sitcom,
239
00:09:07,888 --> 00:09:10,145
like you walk in,
and corny theme songs
240
00:09:10,146 --> 00:09:11,308
start playing.
241
00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:13,499
♪ What do we do, baby
242
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,990
♪ Without us
243
00:09:15,991 --> 00:09:18,647
♪ Sha-la-la-la
244
00:09:23,298 --> 00:09:26,186
Marlon, it's fine.
245
00:09:26,187 --> 00:09:27,946
I'm good. It's good.
246
00:09:27,947 --> 00:09:29,108
I'm fine.
247
00:09:29,109 --> 00:09:30,636
Ooh, Ashley. Ashley!
248
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,264
Ashley!
249
00:09:33,592 --> 00:09:36,149
Oh, and it's not fine.
250
00:09:36,150 --> 00:09:39,901
Or good, "brah."
251
00:09:39,902 --> 00:09:41,330
Hey.
252
00:09:41,994 --> 00:09:44,950
Your "brah" stank.
253
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:48,104
This is messed up, Stevie.
254
00:09:48,105 --> 00:09:49,499
Very messed up.
255
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,757
I've been sleeping
on a couch for three years
256
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,779
when you have a second bedroom!
257
00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:58,067
[percussive music]
258
00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,959
Hello, Ashley.
259
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,414
Becky with the bad breath.
260
00:10:03,415 --> 00:10:05,174
Can I talk to you, please?
261
00:10:08,396 --> 00:10:09,989
I hope she cusses him out
262
00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:12,480
with his inconsiderate ass.
263
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:13,907
He's merely trying to engage
264
00:10:13,908 --> 00:10:15,735
in an honest discourse
with his ex-wife.
265
00:10:15,736 --> 00:10:17,527
Well, irregardless,
266
00:10:17,528 --> 00:10:20,051
he's still an ass.
267
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:21,147
[laughs]
268
00:10:21,148 --> 00:10:23,805
Did you say "irregardless"?
269
00:10:23,806 --> 00:10:26,295
Did I stutter?
270
00:10:26,296 --> 00:10:31,177
Ir-re-gardless.
271
00:10:31,178 --> 00:10:32,605
Listen,
272
00:10:32,606 --> 00:10:33,706
I'm sorry.
273
00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:36,332
I just figured that now
that we're divorced,
274
00:10:36,332 --> 00:10:38,203
that I could express my true feelings
275
00:10:38,203 --> 00:10:40,028
in a way that I couldn't
when we were married.
276
00:10:40,029 --> 00:10:43,648
Oh, so you lied when we were married?
277
00:10:43,649 --> 00:10:45,973
Come on, Ashley.
You never held back anything
278
00:10:45,974 --> 00:10:47,600
for the sake of our relationship?
279
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,194
I didn't.
280
00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:52,681
You never held back anything?
281
00:10:52,682 --> 00:10:54,043
Of course not.
282
00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:58,592
You never held back anything?
283
00:10:58,593 --> 00:11:00,020
You dress like a middle-aged cop
284
00:11:00,021 --> 00:11:01,482
going undercover at a high school.
285
00:11:01,483 --> 00:11:03,939
Ah. [laughs]
286
00:11:03,940 --> 00:11:06,696
Looking like "42 Jump Street"
up in here.
287
00:11:08,556 --> 00:11:10,913
I like that. That was good, girl.
288
00:11:10,914 --> 00:11:12,408
You've been holding
that one in the chamber
289
00:11:12,409 --> 00:11:14,200
for a while, right?
290
00:11:14,201 --> 00:11:15,596
Okay, okay, yeah.
291
00:11:15,597 --> 00:11:18,120
I'll admit it.
That did feel kind of good.
292
00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:19,780
Yeah, see, I told you it would.
293
00:11:19,781 --> 00:11:21,440
See, now that we're divorced,
294
00:11:21,441 --> 00:11:23,566
we just gotta keep it real. You know?
295
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:24,895
Do what the kids say.
296
00:11:24,896 --> 00:11:27,285
We keep it one-hun'e.
297
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:29,145
Are you serious?
298
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,271
Ashley,
299
00:11:31,272 --> 00:11:33,596
we're divorced, right?
300
00:11:33,597 --> 00:11:35,621
We don't have time
to be playing no games.
301
00:11:35,622 --> 00:11:37,348
Are you sure
you can handle this, Marlon?
302
00:11:37,349 --> 00:11:39,373
And you know this.
303
00:11:39,374 --> 00:11:40,636
Fine.
304
00:11:41,666 --> 00:11:43,093
A plumber was here this weekend
305
00:11:43,094 --> 00:11:45,551
to fix the sink upstairs.
306
00:11:45,552 --> 00:11:47,447
Good, 'cause I fell asleep
307
00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:49,868
under the sink. I ain't even touch it.
308
00:11:49,869 --> 00:11:52,126
[laughter]
309
00:11:53,741 --> 00:11:55,571
One old-fashioned for Roberto.
310
00:11:55,572 --> 00:11:57,189
- Thank you, sir.
- And a mai tai
311
00:11:57,190 --> 00:11:59,074
- for his lovely wife, Diane.
- Oh, thank you.
312
00:11:59,075 --> 00:12:02,565
You better be careful.
She "mai tai" you up later.
313
00:12:02,566 --> 00:12:04,689
Oh! [laughter]
314
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:05,759
Oh.
315
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,412
It is so nice to finally
meet you, Marlon.
316
00:12:07,413 --> 00:12:08,807
Well, likewise,
317
00:12:08,808 --> 00:12:11,329
and I want you and the entire HOA
318
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,455
to know how much I enjoy being a part
319
00:12:13,456 --> 00:12:15,315
of this darling community.
320
00:12:15,316 --> 00:12:19,167
Oh, well, I love
what you have done in here.
321
00:12:19,168 --> 00:12:20,628
Who is your designer?
322
00:12:20,629 --> 00:12:23,218
Oh, well, that would be me.
323
00:12:23,219 --> 00:12:24,879
- Ooh.
- And Yvette.
324
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,503
Hello. And I'm glad someone loves it,
325
00:12:27,504 --> 00:12:29,230
because Marlon sure doesn't.
326
00:12:29,231 --> 00:12:31,355
Oh. I am sorry I brought it up.
327
00:12:31,356 --> 00:12:34,144
Oh, it's okay.
He already told me he hates it.
328
00:12:34,145 --> 00:12:37,166
Yeah, Ash and I...
we have a very honest divorce.
329
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:38,296
You know?
330
00:12:38,297 --> 00:12:40,654
We just keep it one-hun'e, right?
331
00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:42,746
See, y'all married people,
y'all gotta abide
332
00:12:42,747 --> 00:12:44,880
by the politics of marriage. [laughs]
333
00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:46,582
We don't have to do that
anymore, right?
334
00:12:46,583 --> 00:12:47,816
- [laughs]
- Nope.
335
00:12:47,817 --> 00:12:49,918
Because I kicked his ass to the curb!
336
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:52,553
[laughter]
337
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:54,787
She sure did.
338
00:12:54,788 --> 00:12:56,556
She had my bags packed so fast,
339
00:12:56,557 --> 00:12:58,357
I had to give her a tip, right?
340
00:12:58,358 --> 00:13:00,459
[laughter]
341
00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:03,094
Okay, keeping it 100. Interesting.
342
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:04,762
Yeah, it's hun'e.
343
00:13:04,763 --> 00:13:07,597
Hun'e. We should try that.
344
00:13:07,598 --> 00:13:09,198
Yeah. Sounds like something I'd hear
345
00:13:09,199 --> 00:13:10,666
on your YouTube channel, Marlon.
346
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,167
I'm a huge fan, by the way.
347
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,469
Rrrroberto!
348
00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:16,803
Tú este mi amigo.
349
00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:19,139
You just became my favorite neighbor.
350
00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:21,307
You know what? Roberto,
351
00:13:21,308 --> 00:13:24,376
you have just earned yourself
hot tub privileges.
352
00:13:24,377 --> 00:13:25,477
[laughter]
353
00:13:25,478 --> 00:13:26,745
That's right.
354
00:13:26,746 --> 00:13:27,778
And Carl,
355
00:13:27,779 --> 00:13:29,046
I'm revoking yours,
356
00:13:29,047 --> 00:13:30,480
'cause you left a ring in my tub!
357
00:13:30,481 --> 00:13:31,848
[laughter]
358
00:13:31,849 --> 00:13:34,483
There's a hot tub in here?
359
00:13:34,484 --> 00:13:37,319
Ashley, he must crack you up
all the time.
360
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,953
What's your favorite
"Marlon Way" video?
361
00:13:38,954 --> 00:13:40,921
Oh, that's easy. Th-this is easy.
362
00:13:40,922 --> 00:13:43,556
I know... help you.
Her favorite one is called
363
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:44,790
"How to Tell Black People
364
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,625
to be Quiet in the Movie Theater."
365
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,127
It's a real quick video.
366
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,627
It's just cameras on me, and I go,
367
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:50,762
"You don't!"
368
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:54,064
[laughter]
369
00:13:54,065 --> 00:13:56,032
Well, that must be a new one,
370
00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:57,800
because I stopped watching your videos
371
00:13:57,801 --> 00:13:59,101
like, three years ago.
372
00:13:59,102 --> 00:14:00,669
I just scrub through till the end
373
00:14:00,670 --> 00:14:02,270
so you get credit for the view.
374
00:14:02,271 --> 00:14:04,271
I call it "The Ashley Way
375
00:14:04,272 --> 00:14:05,939
of Watching 'The Marlon Way.'"
376
00:14:05,940 --> 00:14:09,542
[laughter]
377
00:14:09,543 --> 00:14:13,145
I'm just keeping it 100.
378
00:14:13,146 --> 00:14:14,612
Yeah, and so was I
379
00:14:14,613 --> 00:14:16,280
when I said you turned my house
380
00:14:16,281 --> 00:14:18,081
into the set of "The Golden Girls."
381
00:14:18,082 --> 00:14:19,716
[mixed laughter and exclamations]
382
00:14:19,717 --> 00:14:23,285
Yeah, ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
383
00:14:23,286 --> 00:14:24,619
Oh, well, you know,
384
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:27,555
I didn't realize
when I decorated your house
385
00:14:27,556 --> 00:14:29,423
that you wanted the "midlife crisis,
386
00:14:29,424 --> 00:14:32,858
clinging to my youth,
free on Craigslist" look.
387
00:14:32,859 --> 00:14:34,493
Damn!
388
00:14:34,494 --> 00:14:37,762
My girl is keeping it two hun'e!
389
00:14:37,763 --> 00:14:40,731
Yeah.
390
00:14:40,732 --> 00:14:43,032
Which is about 190 more
391
00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:44,867
than you paid for that cheesy dress.
392
00:14:44,868 --> 00:14:47,002
[laughs]
393
00:14:47,003 --> 00:14:48,770
Well, irregardless,
394
00:14:48,771 --> 00:14:50,471
you're the one who started this,
395
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,873
and now, you can't handle it.
396
00:14:52,874 --> 00:14:54,808
[laughs] She's right, Marlon.
397
00:14:54,809 --> 00:14:56,842
Thin skin never wins.
398
00:14:56,843 --> 00:14:58,310
[laughter]
399
00:14:58,311 --> 00:14:59,878
Aha. Okay.
400
00:14:59,879 --> 00:15:01,612
Oh, okay. Oh!
401
00:15:01,613 --> 00:15:03,014
This is what we do, huh?
402
00:15:03,015 --> 00:15:05,682
Oh, it's Gang Up On Marlon Day?
403
00:15:05,683 --> 00:15:07,184
All right, let's do this.
404
00:15:07,185 --> 00:15:08,984
Marlon, we're just saying, you know?
405
00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:11,653
No, no, no. You grin, you're in.
406
00:15:11,654 --> 00:15:13,121
Let's do this.
407
00:15:13,122 --> 00:15:14,255
Oh, Stevie!
408
00:15:14,256 --> 00:15:15,789
Since we being one hun'e,
409
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,725
how about you tell Yvette
410
00:15:17,726 --> 00:15:20,693
how much you hate
the way her wretched mouth
411
00:15:20,694 --> 00:15:22,728
messes up the Queen's English
412
00:15:22,729 --> 00:15:26,664
with words like, mm, "irregardless."
413
00:15:26,665 --> 00:15:29,065
What's wrong with "irregardless?"
414
00:15:29,066 --> 00:15:31,401
Nothing. It's cute.
415
00:15:31,402 --> 00:15:33,268
It's just not a word!
416
00:15:33,269 --> 00:15:35,938
Yes, and neither is
417
00:15:35,939 --> 00:15:37,605
"pecifically,"
418
00:15:37,606 --> 00:15:38,740
"brecfix,"
419
00:15:38,741 --> 00:15:41,108
"supposabably."
420
00:15:41,109 --> 00:15:43,376
"aksed," or "aks."
421
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:46,679
Say "libary." Mention "libary."
422
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,446
"Libary."
423
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:51,081
He a lie.
And how dare you talk about me
424
00:15:51,082 --> 00:15:52,282
behind me back?
425
00:15:52,283 --> 00:15:53,751
I tell you you're a broke nerd
426
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:55,518
right to your broke nerd face.
427
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:58,987
Oh, well, it's easy
to talk about this nobody
428
00:15:58,988 --> 00:16:01,223
and tell him he ain't nothing.
He knows that.
429
00:16:01,224 --> 00:16:03,824
That's why he's a grown man
sleeping on a couch.
430
00:16:03,825 --> 00:16:05,225
- Well...
- Okay?
431
00:16:05,226 --> 00:16:07,694
But I bet you you won't tell Ashley
432
00:16:07,695 --> 00:16:09,828
what you say about her to her face.
433
00:16:09,829 --> 00:16:11,163
- What?
- Marlon,
434
00:16:11,164 --> 00:16:12,764
now you're being ridiculous.
435
00:16:12,765 --> 00:16:14,165
Oh, really?
436
00:16:14,166 --> 00:16:15,266
Well,
437
00:16:16,134 --> 00:16:18,769
Yvette says she has to bring
her earbuds to church
438
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,404
so she ain't got to hear you
sing your solo.
439
00:16:21,405 --> 00:16:24,305
Uh, he a lie, too!
440
00:16:24,306 --> 00:16:27,107
Uh, those are my Miracle-Ears
441
00:16:27,108 --> 00:16:28,409
so that I can, um,
442
00:16:28,410 --> 00:16:30,076
hear you better.
443
00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:32,011
Oh, she a lie!
444
00:16:32,012 --> 00:16:33,346
She said the notes you hit
445
00:16:33,347 --> 00:16:36,681
ain't even on a piano
or any other instrument.
446
00:16:36,682 --> 00:16:39,049
Not even the Indian sitars
with all the strings.
447
00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:41,418
[imitates sitar] Nothing!
448
00:16:41,419 --> 00:16:43,887
I can't sing?
449
00:16:43,888 --> 00:16:46,221
Well, you always stretch out
450
00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:48,356
the necks in my sweaters
when you borrow them.
451
00:16:48,357 --> 00:16:49,457
Did you hear that, or do you need
452
00:16:49,458 --> 00:16:50,658
your miracle buds?
453
00:16:50,659 --> 00:16:52,192
Oh, since you're keeping it real,
454
00:16:52,193 --> 00:16:54,060
why don't you tell her
how you said her weave
455
00:16:54,061 --> 00:16:55,095
smell like belly button?
456
00:16:55,096 --> 00:16:56,862
Oh-ho-ho!
457
00:16:56,863 --> 00:17:00,498
Ashley, lashing out
at Yvette isn't like you.
458
00:17:00,499 --> 00:17:01,599
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
459
00:17:02,301 --> 00:17:05,102
Don't sleep on the Queen
of Nice here, Stevie.
460
00:17:05,103 --> 00:17:07,403
Every time you drink coffee
at her house,
461
00:17:07,404 --> 00:17:08,504
she gets grossed out
462
00:17:09,339 --> 00:17:12,874
because you leave
little beard hairs in her cups.
463
00:17:12,875 --> 00:17:16,776
She calls them "face pubes."
464
00:17:16,777 --> 00:17:18,878
I'd never mock you behind your back.
465
00:17:18,879 --> 00:17:21,013
Oh, really?
466
00:17:21,014 --> 00:17:23,315
You specifically said
467
00:17:23,316 --> 00:17:25,082
that Ashley's hair color
468
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:26,884
is way too close to her skin color
469
00:17:26,885 --> 00:17:30,854
and she look like a crayon.
470
00:17:30,855 --> 00:17:33,489
Beautiful crayon.
I said "beautiful crayon."
471
00:17:33,490 --> 00:17:34,856
Lies. He said you look
472
00:17:34,857 --> 00:17:38,259
like C-3PO with a wig.
473
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,994
You know what?
Since we're keeping it 100,
474
00:17:40,995 --> 00:17:43,596
why don't you tell Diane and Roberto
475
00:17:43,597 --> 00:17:46,064
the real reason
you want to buy this house?
476
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,132
Mm-hm.
477
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,934
Oh, ha. Hey, hey.
478
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,235
L-let's just pump the brakes
now, Ashley, huh?
479
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:54,070
Oh, no, no, no, no.
480
00:17:54,071 --> 00:17:57,940
See, you grin, you're in.
481
00:17:57,941 --> 00:18:00,608
The only reason
Marlon wants to buy this house
482
00:18:00,609 --> 00:18:02,477
is because he needs a tax write-off,
483
00:18:02,478 --> 00:18:04,244
and he thinks that all of you
484
00:18:04,245 --> 00:18:07,012
are a bunch of stuck-up,
recycling douchebags.
485
00:18:07,013 --> 00:18:08,314
[all gasp] Mm-hm.
486
00:18:08,315 --> 00:18:09,982
That... that is not true.
487
00:18:09,983 --> 00:18:11,583
- Oh, really?
- That is not true,
488
00:18:11,584 --> 00:18:13,751
but I did say y'all look like
the auctioneers
489
00:18:13,752 --> 00:18:14,751
from the "Get Out" movie.
490
00:18:14,752 --> 00:18:16,286
I did say that. That was me.
491
00:18:17,689 --> 00:18:19,055
Then what is it?
492
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:20,677
Why don't you tell us the real reason?
493
00:18:21,624 --> 00:18:23,258
I'm buying this house because I know
494
00:18:23,259 --> 00:18:25,639
there's no hope for me and you
ever getting back together.
495
00:18:32,265 --> 00:18:33,799
[sputters]
496
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,133
Mm.
497
00:18:35,134 --> 00:18:36,801
Face pube?
498
00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:40,270
Nasty.
499
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:48,125
♪ His eye is on the sparrow
500
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:50,726
- Okay, I hear it now.
- Mm-hm.
501
00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:53,528
So why do I keep getting solos?
502
00:18:53,529 --> 00:18:58,732
Girl, pastor's trying to fornicate.
503
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,366
You're fly.
504
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,868
You just can't sing.
505
00:19:01,869 --> 00:19:04,703
Oh. Okay.
506
00:19:04,704 --> 00:19:06,237
Hello.
507
00:19:07,171 --> 00:19:09,472
I'd like to apologize to everyone.
508
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:12,075
Keeping it 100
509
00:19:12,076 --> 00:19:13,710
was my idea,
510
00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:15,810
but my feelings got hurt.
511
00:19:18,312 --> 00:19:21,548
And I was.. childish... both: Mm-hm.
512
00:19:21,549 --> 00:19:24,151
And I was... what's that word, Stevie?
513
00:19:24,152 --> 00:19:26,385
- Petulant.
- I was petulant.
514
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:27,920
Whatever the hell that means.
515
00:19:27,921 --> 00:19:30,822
It means childish.
516
00:19:30,823 --> 00:19:33,123
Marlon, can I talk to you
for a minute?
517
00:19:33,124 --> 00:19:34,992
Ashley, I just apologized,
518
00:19:34,993 --> 00:19:36,425
and... and used a white person word
519
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:37,994
just so I could have
one of these long-ass talks
520
00:19:37,995 --> 00:19:40,462
on the couch.
521
00:19:40,463 --> 00:19:44,932
Now you made me
misuse the word "petulance."
522
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,400
Marlon, I had no idea
523
00:19:46,401 --> 00:19:47,500
you were still thinking
524
00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:49,736
we might get back together.
525
00:19:49,737 --> 00:19:54,238
Girl, nobody checking for you.
526
00:19:54,239 --> 00:19:56,407
All right, look.
527
00:19:56,408 --> 00:19:59,276
When we first split up,
528
00:19:59,277 --> 00:20:02,111
I hoped it was gonna be temporary,
529
00:20:02,112 --> 00:20:04,846
so my place reflected that,
530
00:20:04,847 --> 00:20:06,581
but now that we're cool
531
00:20:06,582 --> 00:20:08,949
and I know that this is permanent,
532
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,750
I want my place to reflect that.
533
00:20:12,151 --> 00:20:14,320
Well, keeping it 100, Marlon,
534
00:20:14,321 --> 00:20:16,021
I would never want you
to live somewhere
535
00:20:16,022 --> 00:20:17,455
you weren't comfortable.
536
00:20:17,456 --> 00:20:20,124
So why the hell you make me marry you?
537
00:20:20,125 --> 00:20:22,359
'Cause you knocked me up.
My daddy would've killed you.
538
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,794
Good point.
539
00:20:24,795 --> 00:20:28,329
- I saved your life.
- [laughs]
540
00:20:29,431 --> 00:20:32,333
Listen, I was thinking, okay?
541
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,367
Maybe keeping it 100,
542
00:20:34,368 --> 00:20:36,336
- we went too damn high.
- Mm.
543
00:20:36,337 --> 00:20:37,670
I mean, we black folk, we go there.
544
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,638
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, we do.
545
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:42,740
Maybe when we was married,
we kept at a phony 55.
546
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,309
That wasn't cool,
so I think from now on,
547
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:48,044
we just keep it a nice, balmy,
548
00:20:48,045 --> 00:20:51,147
77 with a slight breeze.
549
00:20:51,148 --> 00:20:52,646
Deal.
550
00:20:54,216 --> 00:20:57,017
You really didn't like my shams?
551
00:20:57,018 --> 00:20:58,685
77,
552
00:20:58,686 --> 00:21:00,520
they a'ight.
553
00:21:00,521 --> 00:21:02,087
And keeping it 100?
554
00:21:02,088 --> 00:21:03,689
Bitch, no.
555
00:21:03,690 --> 00:21:04,790
[laughter]
556
00:21:05,232 --> 00:21:11,232
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
37680
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
