Original subtitles

What's up, Marlatans? Welcome to "The Marlon Way."

You know, a man's place

should reflect who the man is.

When you look around here, you say,

"Damn, that man is divorced as hell."

In my kitchen, I don't even know

where the damn pots are,

but I know where that Foreman grill is, though!

Then there's my miscellaneous drawer

full with mystery things,

like mystery keys,

mystery sauce packets,

and, oh, look!

Mystery panties.

Ain't mine.

[percussive music]

And in my living room,

there's a nasty old couch

with a nasty old man that lives on it.

♪

As cool as this place is,

it just ain't me anymore.

It's time to make some changes up in here.

But I'm keeping that Foreman grill, though!

Now who wants some dry-ass sliders?

I do!

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Tomorrow morning?

Perfect.

Thank God for plumbers.

I thought you said Marlon fixed

that sink upstairs.

He fixed it, all right.

That's why I had to call the plumber.

And since Marlon is going away to Vegas this weekend,

he'll never know I fixed his fix.

Well, ignorance is bliss,

which is why Marlon's always got

that stupid grin on his face.

Hi, Ashley.

Hi, Trashley.

I thought you were going to Vegas.

I was, but I wanted to stop by

and say a few things. Number one,

I wanted to get "Trashley" off my plate.

Been sitting on that one for quite some time.

And number two, I got big news.

We're buying our house!

We?

Negro, you can't even afford a birdhouse.

The owner of the house I'm renting is selling it,

and I got first dibs.

Oh, really?

But you always said that neighborhood

was full of stuck-up, recycling douchebags.

Yeah, I did say that, but the asexual, sad-sack nerd

who does my taxes

said I need a big deduction.

I believe the term I used was "write-off."

Now all we need is the approval of the homeowners' association,

so we're throwing a little shindig

on Monday night so Marlon can win them over.

Yes, and the lady who runs the committee

is married, so I gotta be careful.

You know, there's a fine line

between charming Marlon

and smash-able Marlon.

I want to be a homeowner, not a homewrecker.

Okay, Daddy, will you please tell Zack

the odds of winning in Vegas are staggeringly low?

She don't know that.

Okay, listen.

Put this dollar on black.

No, red.

No, black.

- No, red. - Irregardless

of where he puts it,

your bad-luck daddy's going to lose that cash.

[laughs]

"Bad-luck daddy" sounds like

your father's autobiography.

[laughter]

Sorry. It was good.

You know what, Marlon? I'm excited

about you buying that house.

I've always liked the bones of it.

Yeah, and you know, I always loved

the bones of this house.

Remember that one we did right there on the counter?

Oh-ho-ho!

Right there! Ha, ha, ha!

I'm just hoping for a more comfortable couch

once Marlon redecorates.

You're redecorating?

No, I'm just moving some things around.

Nothing big.

Well, why didn't you ask for my help?

This is my lane.

Plus, we decorated this house together,

so I know your style.

Yeah, but you know,

you... you're busy. You know, with the kids...

She's a professional designer, Marlon.

You'd be a fool to say no.

And I'd be happy to help. In fact,

I insist.

Marlon, she insists.

I believe the phrase you're looking for is

[high-pitched] "Thank you, Ashley.

"That's what I wanted you to say.

Mm, girl, I'm so thankful."

Oh, my God! I'm so excited.

- Yeah... - All right, so while you guys

are in Vegas, Yvette and I'll swing by,

take some measurements, and when you get back,

we can discuss the mood board

that is percolating in my mind.

Oh!

Yeah, this is great.

Ah, Ashley's going to decorate my house.

[percussive music]

This is terrible.

Ashley's going to decorate my house.

Why are you so upset?

Stevie,

Ashley don't know what I like.

We were married.

And let me tell you something: When "we" decorated

"our house," hmph.

I just "mm-hm" and "yeah, baby"

my way through the entire thing.

Now I'll be stuck with bed skirts

and itchy throws and pillow shams.

I am not mad at a nice sham.

Stevie,

I want my house to reflect who I am now.

You know, I want it to reflect single Marlon.

You know?

Grown and sexy Marlon.

Threesome Marlon.

Ain't no girls gonna walk in my house

and be excited by pillow shams.

Like, "Oh, my God! Lisa!

"Girl, he got shams!

"Get ready to take your panties off!

"Oh, hold on, girl!

"Are those coasters?

"Ooh, you mean to tell me,

"you don't leave circles

"on good wood and countertops?

"Oh, he about to get it today!

Being my first..."

Well, okay, if you didn't like

Ashley's style, why don't you just tell her?

Because, Stevie, when you're married,

you gotta keep the peace

at all costs.

You know, you could keep it real,

but you can't keep it really, really real.

You know, it's just the politics of marriage.

[laughs] But Marlon,

you're divorced.

Wow, Stevie.

You're right.

Me and Ashley are just friends, like me and you,

and I always keep it real with you.

[chuckles] A little too real.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't keep it so real

about my insecurities.

Come on, no.

You love it, Mommy Hips.

You got them hips that back in the day,

they'd go, "That's a good woman!

She got them birthing hips!"

[laughs]

You know what?

I'ma talk to Ashley,

I'ma be like, "You know what?

I don't need your help redecorating my house."

That's exactly what I'ma do,

as soon as we get back.

[rap music]

♪ Hella

Maybe you should've texted her from the car.

What in the Summer's Eve commercial is this?

Oh, no!

You guys ruined the surprise!

Why are you back from Vegas so soon?

Ashley, it looks like your vision board just...

percolated over my house.

Yeah, sorry.

I-I know I jumped the gun a little bit,

but I figured since your HOA party

is tomorrow, we should get it done before then.

Hey, Stevie, look.

Shams!

Remember, no more politics.

You are gonna love what we did

with the second bedroom.

Wait, there's a second bedroom?

Now, b-b-b-but ladies, wai-ha-ha-ha.

Uh, before we continue with the tour,

um, I want to thank you for your hard work,

and tell you how much I appreciate it.

However, um,

there's just a few little things

that... that really don't jive

with my persona, per se.

Oh, okay.

Like which ones?

Mm, just like...

Alllllll...

[gasps for breath]

Alllll....

All this.

But Marlon, that's everything.

Yeah, that's...

that's the word I was looking for.

Everything.

But it's hard to say "everythiiiing..."

I see.

Ashley, but wait... I-I do like this.

This is nice. Look.

It reminds me of you.

It looks like you on a roller coaster

when it goes upside-down.

And this is when you get off,

and your hair's all messed up,

and this is after you get it relaxed,

and it's like, hey.

Marlon, that's the one thing I kept that was yours.

It's not that it's all bad.

It's... it's just not for me.

You know? It's too well-put-together.

It looks like the set of a white sitcom,

like you walk in, and corny theme songs

start playing.

♪ What do we do, baby

♪ Without us

♪ Sha-la-la-la

Marlon, it's fine.

I'm good. It's good.

I'm fine.

Ooh, Ashley. Ashley!

Ashley!

Oh, and it's not fine.

Or good, "brah."

Hey.

Your "brah" stank.

This is messed up, Stevie.

Very messed up.

I've been sleeping on a couch for three years

when you have a second bedroom!

[percussive music]

Hello, Ashley.

Becky with the bad breath.

Can I talk to you, please?

I hope she cusses him out

with his inconsiderate ass.

He's merely trying to engage

in an honest discourse with his ex-wife.

Well, irregardless,

he's still an ass.

[laughs]

Did you say "irregardless"?

Did I stutter?

Ir-re-gardless.

Listen,

I'm sorry.

I just figured that now that we're divorced,

that I could express my true feelings

in a way that I couldn't when we were married.

Oh, so you lied when we were married?

Come on, Ashley. You never held back anything

for the sake of our relationship?

I didn't.

You never held back anything?

Of course not.

You never held back anything?

You dress like a middle-aged cop

going undercover at a high school.

Ah. [laughs]

Looking like "42 Jump Street" up in here.

I like that. That was good, girl.

You've been holding that one in the chamber

for a while, right?

Okay, okay, yeah.

I'll admit it. That did feel kind of good.

Yeah, see, I told you it would.

See, now that we're divorced,

we just gotta keep it real. You know?

Do what the kids say.

We keep it one-hun'e.

Are you serious?

Ashley,

we're divorced, right?

We don't have time to be playing no games.

Are you sure you can handle this, Marlon?

And you know this.

Fine.

A plumber was here this weekend

to fix the sink upstairs.

Good, 'cause I fell asleep

under the sink. I ain't even touch it.

[laughter]

One old-fashioned for Roberto.

- Thank you, sir. - And a mai tai

- for his lovely wife, Diane. - Oh, thank you.

You better be careful. She "mai tai" you up later.

Oh! [laughter]

Oh.

It is so nice to finally meet you, Marlon.

Well, likewise,

and I want you and the entire HOA

to know how much I enjoy being a part

of this darling community.

Oh, well, I love what you have done in here.

Who is your designer?

Oh, well, that would be me.

- Ooh. - And Yvette.

Hello. And I'm glad someone loves it,

because Marlon sure doesn't.

Oh. I am sorry I brought it up.

Oh, it's okay. He already told me he hates it.

Yeah, Ash and I... we have a very honest divorce.

You know?

We just keep it one-hun'e, right?

See, y'all married people, y'all gotta abide

by the politics of marriage. [laughs]

We don't have to do that anymore, right?

- [laughs] - Nope.

Because I kicked his ass to the curb!

[laughter]

She sure did.

She had my bags packed so fast,

I had to give her a tip, right?

[laughter]

Okay, keeping it 100. Interesting.

Yeah, it's hun'e.

Hun'e. We should try that.

Yeah. Sounds like something I'd hear

on your YouTube channel, Marlon.

I'm a huge fan, by the way.

Rrrroberto!

Tú este mi amigo.

You just became my favorite neighbor.

You know what? Roberto,

you have just earned yourself hot tub privileges.

[laughter]

That's right.

And Carl,

I'm revoking yours,

'cause you left a ring in my tub!

[laughter]

There's a hot tub in here?

Ashley, he must crack you up all the time.

What's your favorite "Marlon Way" video?

Oh, that's easy. Th-this is easy.

I know... help you. Her favorite one is called

"How to Tell Black People

to be Quiet in the Movie Theater."

It's a real quick video.

It's just cameras on me, and I go,

"You don't!"

[laughter]

Well, that must be a new one,

because I stopped watching your videos

like, three years ago.

I just scrub through till the end

so you get credit for the view.

I call it "The Ashley Way

of Watching 'The Marlon Way.'"

[laughter]

I'm just keeping it 100.

Yeah, and so was I

when I said you turned my house

into the set of "The Golden Girls."

[mixed laughter and exclamations]

Yeah, ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Oh, well, you know,

I didn't realize when I decorated your house

that you wanted the "midlife crisis,

clinging to my youth, free on Craigslist" look.

Damn!

My girl is keeping it two hun'e!

Yeah.

Which is about 190 more

than you paid for that cheesy dress.

[laughs]

Well, irregardless,

you're the one who started this,

and now, you can't handle it.

[laughs] She's right, Marlon.

Thin skin never wins.

[laughter]

Aha. Okay.

Oh, okay. Oh!

This is what we do, huh?

Oh, it's Gang Up On Marlon Day?

All right, let's do this.

Marlon, we're just saying, you know?

No, no, no. You grin, you're in.

Let's do this.

Oh, Stevie!

Since we being one hun'e,

how about you tell Yvette

how much you hate the way her wretched mouth

messes up the Queen's English

with words like, mm, "irregardless."

What's wrong with "irregardless?"

Nothing. It's cute.

It's just not a word!

Yes, and neither is

"pecifically,"

"brecfix,"

"supposabably."

"aksed," or "aks."

Say "libary." Mention "libary."

"Libary."

He a lie. And how dare you talk about me

behind me back?

I tell you you're a broke nerd

right to your broke nerd face.

Oh, well, it's easy to talk about this nobody

and tell him he ain't nothing. He knows that.

That's why he's a grown man sleeping on a couch.

- Well... - Okay?

But I bet you you won't tell Ashley

what you say about her to her face.

- What? - Marlon,

now you're being ridiculous.

Oh, really?

Well,

Yvette says she has to bring her earbuds to church

so she ain't got to hear you sing your solo.

Uh, he a lie, too!

Uh, those are my Miracle-Ears

so that I can, um,

hear you better.

Oh, she a lie!

She said the notes you hit

ain't even on a piano or any other instrument.

Not even the Indian sitars with all the strings.

[imitates sitar] Nothing!

I can't sing?

Well, you always stretch out

the necks in my sweaters when you borrow them.

Did you hear that, or do you need

your miracle buds?

Oh, since you're keeping it real,

why don't you tell her how you said her weave

smell like belly button?

Oh-ho-ho!

Ashley, lashing out at Yvette isn't like you.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Don't sleep on the Queen of Nice here, Stevie.

Every time you drink coffee at her house,

she gets grossed out

because you leave little beard hairs in her cups.

She calls them "face pubes."

I'd never mock you behind your back.

Oh, really?

You specifically said

that Ashley's hair color

is way too close to her skin color

and she look like a crayon.

Beautiful crayon. I said "beautiful crayon."

Lies. He said you look

like C-3PO with a wig.

You know what? Since we're keeping it 100,

why don't you tell Diane and Roberto

the real reason you want to buy this house?

Mm-hm.

Oh, ha. Hey, hey.

L-let's just pump the brakes now, Ashley, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

See, you grin, you're in.

The only reason Marlon wants to buy this house

is because he needs a tax write-off,

and he thinks that all of you

are a bunch of stuck-up, recycling douchebags.

[all gasp] Mm-hm.

That... that is not true.

- Oh, really? - That is not true,

but I did say y'all look like the auctioneers

from the "Get Out" movie.

I did say that. That was me.

Then what is it?

Why don't you tell us the real reason?

I'm buying this house because I know

there's no hope for me and you ever getting back together.

[sputters]

Mm.

Face pube?

Nasty.

♪ His eye is on the sparrow

- Okay, I hear it now. - Mm-hm.

So why do I keep getting solos?

Girl, pastor's trying to fornicate.

You're fly.

You just can't sing.

Oh. Okay.

Hello.

I'd like to apologize to everyone.

Keeping it 100

was my idea,

but my feelings got hurt.

And I was.. childish... both: Mm-hm.

And I was... what's that word, Stevie?

- Petulant. - I was petulant.

Whatever the hell that means.

It means childish.

Marlon, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ashley, I just apologized,

and... and used a white person word

just so I could have one of these long-ass talks

on the couch.

Now you made me misuse the word "petulance."

Marlon, I had no idea

you were still thinking

we might get back together.

Girl, nobody checking for you.

All right, look.

When we first split up,

I hoped it was gonna be temporary,

so my place reflected that,

but now that we're cool

and I know that this is permanent,

I want my place to reflect that.

Well, keeping it 100, Marlon,

I would never want you to live somewhere

you weren't comfortable.

So why the hell you make me marry you?

'Cause you knocked me up. My daddy would've killed you.

Good point.

- I saved your life. - [laughs]

Listen, I was thinking, okay?

Maybe keeping it 100,

- we went too damn high. - Mm.

I mean, we black folk, we go there.

- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, we do.

Maybe when we was married, we kept at a phony 55.

That wasn't cool, so I think from now on,

we just keep it a nice, balmy,

77 with a slight breeze.

Deal.

You really didn't like my shams?

77,

they a'ight.

And keeping it 100?

Bitch, no.

[laughter]

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.