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00:00:09,148 --> 00:00:10,851
[wolf howling]
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00:00:10,853 --> 00:00:14,691
Subtitles by explosiveskull
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00:00:18,692 --> 00:00:21,027
♪
4
00:00:25,498 --> 00:00:28,635
(distant voices)
Deb or Deborah, never Debbie.
5
00:00:29,836 --> 00:00:32,439
Leave the faggy ties
at home, okay?
6
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,674
I'm fuckin' this cat.
You just hold the legs.
7
00:00:35,676 --> 00:00:36,674
Got it?
8
00:00:36,676 --> 00:00:38,643
See you never, flame sauce.
9
00:00:38,645 --> 00:00:39,677
[snoring]
10
00:00:39,679 --> 00:00:42,948
She put the MILF
in Milford High.
11
00:00:42,950 --> 00:00:45,851
Now, she's behind bars!
12
00:00:45,853 --> 00:00:48,086
Debbie Ward, a former
Texas Teacher of the Year...
13
00:00:48,088 --> 00:00:50,254
...tried to rig
last year's contest
14
00:00:50,256 --> 00:00:51,690
so her daughter could win.
15
00:00:51,692 --> 00:00:53,091
Ow! Shit!
16
00:00:53,093 --> 00:00:54,925
Yeah, she kidnapped
her daughter's main rival,
17
00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:56,894
a Miss Bianca del Rio,
18
00:00:56,896 --> 00:00:59,531
who I was shocked
to find out was a dude.
19
00:00:59,533 --> 00:01:01,565
She basically
got our teacher fired
20
00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:02,634
for just being gay!
21
00:01:02,636 --> 00:01:05,202
That's when the notorious
New York homosexual
22
00:01:05,204 --> 00:01:09,541
returned to Milford High as
the fabulous Bianca del Rio.
23
00:01:09,543 --> 00:01:12,743
Now she don't even
look like a woman!
24
00:01:12,745 --> 00:01:16,213
What kind of unnatural woman?!
25
00:01:16,215 --> 00:01:17,282
He's biting me!
26
00:01:17,284 --> 00:01:19,918
(Reporter) A snake attack
at a local high school.
27
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,954
Did her breast implants
save her life?
28
00:01:22,956 --> 00:01:23,788
[screaming]
29
00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:27,626
Then Miss del Rio
got her revenge,
30
00:01:27,628 --> 00:01:29,261
and it was so good.
31
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:30,895
This is not true!
32
00:01:30,897 --> 00:01:32,963
This is a conspiracy!
33
00:01:32,965 --> 00:01:35,032
Vice Principal Deborah Ward
exposed as
34
00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:36,800
the infamous Miss First.
35
00:01:36,802 --> 00:01:39,037
Taker of underaged
male virginities.
36
00:01:39,039 --> 00:01:40,704
Okay, you don't have to push me.
37
00:01:40,706 --> 00:01:43,574
That tampering Texas temptress,
Debbie Ward,
38
00:01:43,576 --> 00:01:45,609
maintains her innocence.
39
00:01:45,611 --> 00:01:49,681
And to this day insists that
Bianca del Rio, not she...
40
00:01:49,683 --> 00:01:54,021
...is the one who should be
locked up in the County Jail.
41
00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:55,853
Lock her up!
42
00:01:55,855 --> 00:01:57,154
Lock her up!
43
00:01:57,156 --> 00:01:59,157
Rise and shine, bitch!
44
00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:01,026
[gasps]
What are you doin' here?
45
00:02:01,028 --> 00:02:02,627
You wanted me punished?
46
00:02:02,629 --> 00:02:04,499
Well, here I am.
47
00:02:05,665 --> 00:02:07,832
Who'd have thought
they'd make us cellmates.
48
00:02:07,834 --> 00:02:10,101
Life's pretty fucked up,
isn't it?
49
00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:11,303
This can't be happenin'.
50
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:12,870
We're gonna be prison pals.
51
00:02:12,872 --> 00:02:14,038
We're gonna eat together.
52
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,973
We're gonna sleep
in the same cell.
53
00:02:15,975 --> 00:02:18,679
We're gonna watch
each other on the toilet.
54
00:02:19,246 --> 00:02:21,880
Help! Someone get me
out of here!
55
00:02:21,882 --> 00:02:24,848
We're gonna be together
a long time, you and I.
56
00:02:24,850 --> 00:02:26,250
No hard feelings, Debbie.
57
00:02:26,252 --> 00:02:28,286
I might even
give you a makeover.
58
00:02:28,288 --> 00:02:31,089
You'd look really pretty bald.
[chuckles]
59
00:02:31,091 --> 00:02:33,725
Now, make sure
no one's coming,
60
00:02:33,727 --> 00:02:36,727
‘cause I've got to take
a huge dump,
61
00:02:36,729 --> 00:02:39,263
and boy is it is gonna stink!
62
00:02:39,265 --> 00:02:41,968
[screaming loudly]
63
00:02:45,838 --> 00:02:47,608
Bianca!
64
00:02:52,712 --> 00:02:55,947
One more night terror
for the road, I guess.
65
00:02:55,949 --> 00:02:57,151
Lucky you.
66
00:02:57,717 --> 00:02:58,750
Now get up.
67
00:02:58,752 --> 00:03:00,054
Time for your release.
68
00:03:12,164 --> 00:03:13,263
Take a seat.
69
00:03:13,265 --> 00:03:16,201
We just have some forms
for you to fill out and, uh,
70
00:03:16,203 --> 00:03:19,269
a little somethin' special
before you go.
71
00:03:19,271 --> 00:03:21,106
I just want to thank you.
72
00:03:21,108 --> 00:03:24,274
This whole experience has
been a revelation for me.
73
00:03:24,276 --> 00:03:25,876
I'm a new woman.
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00:03:25,878 --> 00:03:27,144
Sure you are.
75
00:03:27,146 --> 00:03:30,649
You know I was worried that
bein' in solitary for so long
76
00:03:30,651 --> 00:03:33,118
that you might have missed out
on some of the pleasures
77
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,153
that prison life has to offer.
78
00:03:35,155 --> 00:03:37,155
Oh, but I didn't.
79
00:03:37,157 --> 00:03:38,822
That first night in solitary,
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00:03:38,824 --> 00:03:40,792
with the cockroaches
crawling around my ears,
81
00:03:40,794 --> 00:03:42,661
I didn't think
I was gonna make it.
82
00:03:42,663 --> 00:03:44,828
But then, I saw him.
83
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:46,163
Saw who?
84
00:03:46,165 --> 00:03:48,333
My Lord and Savior,
Jesus Christ.
85
00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:51,001
I smashed a cockroach up against
the wall with my bare hands
86
00:03:51,003 --> 00:03:55,006
and there he was
in the goo, the face of Jesus!
87
00:03:55,008 --> 00:03:59,209
And right then,
I knew I was born again.
88
00:03:59,211 --> 00:04:00,745
Again.
89
00:04:00,747 --> 00:04:02,746
Okay, I don't think
that's a thing.
90
00:04:02,748 --> 00:04:03,815
Oh, it is.
91
00:04:03,817 --> 00:04:06,250
I baptized myself in
the toilet just to be sure.
92
00:04:06,252 --> 00:04:07,286
And now that I'm gettin' out,
93
00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:10,354
I'm gonna do the work
God intended me to do.
94
00:04:10,356 --> 00:04:12,092
Charity shit or somethin'?
95
00:04:12,925 --> 00:04:15,795
I'm gonna kill Bianca del Rio!
96
00:04:16,762 --> 00:04:18,096
Excuse me?
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00:04:18,098 --> 00:04:19,363
With kindness.
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00:04:19,365 --> 00:04:21,769
I'm gonna kill her
with Christian kindness.
99
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:28,809
That's one crazy bitch.
100
00:04:30,009 --> 00:04:31,879
She can't even spell.
Look at this shit.
101
00:04:33,079 --> 00:04:35,348
[thunder rumbling]
102
00:04:39,452 --> 00:04:41,721
Watch out, Bianca del Rio.
103
00:04:43,023 --> 00:04:45,225
[smacks lips]
I'm comin' for ya!
104
00:04:47,127 --> 00:04:48,963
Isn't anyone gonna pick me up?
105
00:04:51,764 --> 00:04:53,334
Ow! No!
106
00:04:55,769 --> 00:04:59,939
♪
107
00:06:27,259 --> 00:06:29,262
[maniacal laughter]
108
00:06:34,401 --> 00:06:36,237
[school bell ringing]
109
00:06:37,036 --> 00:06:37,902
No, no, Melanie.
110
00:06:37,904 --> 00:06:40,137
I'm pretty sure
that the Earth is round.
111
00:06:40,139 --> 00:06:42,005
- Hey, Mr. Martinez?
- Uh, yeah.
112
00:06:42,007 --> 00:06:43,841
Can you tell me
about Sputnik again?
113
00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:46,010
Oh, look at you,
taking interest in class.
114
00:06:46,012 --> 00:06:47,911
Isn't Sputnik
Russian for potato?
115
00:06:47,913 --> 00:06:51,082
Well, actually, Sputnik was
launched in 1957.
116
00:06:51,084 --> 00:06:52,317
You remember that year...
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00:06:52,319 --> 00:06:53,985
That was the year that your
grandmother slept with her uncle
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00:06:53,987 --> 00:06:55,353
and gave birth
to your dad-cousin.
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00:06:55,355 --> 00:06:56,620
[all laughing]
120
00:06:56,622 --> 00:06:58,990
- Bye, Mr. Martinez.
- Bye, kids.
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00:06:58,992 --> 00:07:01,125
Listen, make sure you get
those term papers done.
122
00:07:01,127 --> 00:07:02,627
They are due in a week.
123
00:07:02,629 --> 00:07:04,495
And I know you potheads
don't want to spend
124
00:07:04,497 --> 00:07:06,467
your spring break
doing homework.
125
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:09,033
Surprise, bitch!
126
00:07:09,035 --> 00:07:12,173
Oh! Oh, ho-ho!
127
00:07:13,139 --> 00:07:14,938
What are you doing here?
128
00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:18,108
And Rex.
Ooh... Ooh...
129
00:07:18,110 --> 00:07:19,944
Where is Bailey?
130
00:07:19,946 --> 00:07:22,613
Oh, honey, I left Bailey
kenneled up in New York City.
131
00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:23,514
She's fine.
132
00:07:23,516 --> 00:07:25,550
But Rex here
is a helpless baby person
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00:07:25,552 --> 00:07:28,151
and she couldn't be
left alone, so tada!
134
00:07:28,153 --> 00:07:31,154
[loudly] Hello, Rex.
How was rehab?
135
00:07:31,156 --> 00:07:33,358
This bar looks closed.
136
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,093
That's ‘cause it's
a high school, baby.
137
00:07:35,095 --> 00:07:36,961
You expect Rex to know
what a high school is?
138
00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:39,163
He was educated
in a Barbie Dream House.
139
00:07:39,165 --> 00:07:41,399
When you pull the string,
the elevator goes up.
140
00:07:41,401 --> 00:07:43,433
Ooh, Science 101.
141
00:07:43,435 --> 00:07:45,469
Oh, Mama, it's gotten worse.
142
00:07:45,471 --> 00:07:47,272
I asked her for directions
on the way here.
143
00:07:47,274 --> 00:07:49,307
She pointed at the windshield
and said...
144
00:07:49,309 --> 00:07:51,308
We're going that way.
145
00:07:51,310 --> 00:07:54,077
Well, I'm glad to see
not much has changed.
146
00:07:54,079 --> 00:07:56,313
Especially not in this
small-ass Texas town.
147
00:07:56,315 --> 00:07:58,515
Bitch, it still looks like 1865.
148
00:07:58,517 --> 00:08:00,284
Why are you still here?
149
00:08:00,286 --> 00:08:02,553
Well, someone has to
teach these inbred twats
150
00:08:02,555 --> 00:08:05,522
that the world is older
than those pants.
151
00:08:05,524 --> 00:08:06,623
Really, girl?
152
00:08:06,625 --> 00:08:09,127
Navy blue capri-length
at your age?
153
00:08:09,129 --> 00:08:10,195
My age?
154
00:08:10,197 --> 00:08:12,430
You have been gone from
New York City for a while.
155
00:08:12,432 --> 00:08:14,031
These came back.
156
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,601
This bar looks dead
and I finished my drink.
157
00:08:16,603 --> 00:08:19,103
Wait a minute. Have you
been drinking lighter fluid?
158
00:08:19,105 --> 00:08:21,538
I'm hoping that's just
alcohol in a flask
159
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:25,142
because she downed the last
of my Xanax with that shit.
160
00:08:25,144 --> 00:08:27,077
Thought they were Mentos.
161
00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:28,346
The fresh maker.
162
00:08:28,348 --> 00:08:30,214
She should be dead, right?
163
00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:31,248
Years ago.
164
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,584
Come on. Let's give you
a ride to your place.
165
00:08:33,586 --> 00:08:35,420
Come on, girl,
I got my car back!
166
00:08:35,422 --> 00:08:37,722
- Did you get your license back?
- Well, technically, no.
167
00:08:37,724 --> 00:08:41,559
Oh, come on, Rex baby.
Put her in back. Baby seat.
168
00:08:41,561 --> 00:08:42,893
I think the lesson is:
169
00:08:42,895 --> 00:08:46,998
make sure your husband's penis
isn't inside the sink drain
170
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,334
before you turn on
the garbage disposal.
171
00:08:49,336 --> 00:08:51,435
Thanks for the tip!
172
00:08:51,437 --> 00:08:54,004
And later in the show
we've got Marsha Marshall,
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00:08:54,006 --> 00:08:55,973
who is gonna show us
ten different ways
174
00:08:55,975 --> 00:08:58,175
to decorate your cat for Easter.
175
00:08:58,177 --> 00:08:59,344
Meow!
176
00:08:59,346 --> 00:09:03,547
But first, back in the news,
in the headlines, Russia.
177
00:09:03,549 --> 00:09:05,349
Vladimir Putin has assigned
178
00:09:05,351 --> 00:09:08,453
a new Prime Minister of
Homosexual Propaganda,
179
00:09:08,455 --> 00:09:10,354
Svetslap Zlopa━
180
00:09:10,356 --> 00:09:11,756
Svetlana Zlopasnost.
181
00:09:11,758 --> 00:09:14,328
Oh! Well, there you go.
That is a mouthful.
182
00:09:15,495 --> 00:09:18,128
Yikes!
She looks like fun at a party.
183
00:09:18,130 --> 00:09:19,497
Unless your party is gay,
184
00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:21,598
because those are illegal!
185
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,434
That's right,
you Russian queers.
186
00:09:23,436 --> 00:09:26,704
Don't even think about
decorating your cat for Easter.
187
00:09:26,706 --> 00:09:28,739
You might land in jail.
[chuckles]
188
00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:31,309
Does Russia
even celebrate Easter?
189
00:09:31,311 --> 00:09:33,514
Other countries
are just so weird.
190
00:09:33,779 --> 00:09:35,780
[TV audio]
Oh, don't talk bad about Russia
191
00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:37,418
They might hack your emails.
192
00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:41,018
Mama, you're back!
What happened?
193
00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:42,186
They released me.
194
00:09:42,188 --> 00:09:44,522
No one was there to pick me
up, so I had to walk home.
195
00:09:44,524 --> 00:09:45,723
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
196
00:09:45,725 --> 00:09:47,157
It's okay.
Walk did me good.
197
00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:48,792
Gave me time to clear my head
and to think.
198
00:09:48,794 --> 00:09:51,396
I came up with six new ways
199
00:09:51,398 --> 00:09:54,331
to get Bianca del Rio fired
and out of our lives.
200
00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:58,102
All I need is a t-shirt cannon
and four live raccoons.
201
00:09:58,104 --> 00:09:59,771
Mama, you need to forget her.
202
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,805
After the trial
and all that publicity,
203
00:10:01,807 --> 00:10:03,807
there's nothing the district
can do to get rid of her.
204
00:10:03,809 --> 00:10:05,075
It's over.
205
00:10:05,077 --> 00:10:06,411
No, no, no, no.
206
00:10:06,413 --> 00:10:08,246
I'm not gonna let
Bianca del Rio win.
207
00:10:08,248 --> 00:10:10,580
- Uh-uh!
- Well, we need money.
208
00:10:10,582 --> 00:10:12,416
We're two payments behind
on the mortgage.
209
00:10:12,418 --> 00:10:14,352
Rent-A-Center
repossessed the recliner.
210
00:10:14,354 --> 00:10:16,253
And remember
how my boobs popped?
211
00:10:16,255 --> 00:10:17,622
Of course.
212
00:10:17,624 --> 00:10:18,757
The doctors says if I can't
get on next season of “Botched”"
213
00:10:18,759 --> 00:10:22,160
it's gonna be $10,000
for reconstructive surgery.
214
00:10:22,162 --> 00:10:24,127
That's if I want them
the same size.
215
00:10:24,129 --> 00:10:25,796
- As before?
- As each other!
216
00:10:25,798 --> 00:10:27,464
Mama, we are broke.
217
00:10:27,466 --> 00:10:29,599
These little schemes of yours
just make things worse.
218
00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:31,169
Is this what you want?
219
00:10:31,171 --> 00:10:33,171
A world where freaks
and homosexuals
220
00:10:33,173 --> 00:10:35,138
get to do whatever they desire?
221
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,206
Nuh-uh.
222
00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,243
I did not pray to
President Trump every morning
223
00:10:39,245 --> 00:10:42,345
to turn this country into
a big transgender toilet.
224
00:10:42,347 --> 00:10:44,648
How are we gonna
make America great again
225
00:10:44,650 --> 00:10:46,751
with Bianca del Rio still in it?
226
00:10:46,753 --> 00:10:47,618
Oh!
227
00:10:47,620 --> 00:10:49,222
Where's my chair?
228
00:10:49,755 --> 00:10:51,421
It's okay, Mama.
229
00:10:51,423 --> 00:10:52,790
We're gonna get you a job
230
00:10:52,792 --> 00:10:54,758
and we're gonna get back
on our feet again,
231
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,393
get me back into a bra again.
232
00:10:56,395 --> 00:10:59,097
Oh, prison was so hard!
Carly, you don't even know!
233
00:10:59,099 --> 00:11:00,797
I'd eat soup with a spork.
234
00:11:00,799 --> 00:11:04,234
Our Christmas eggnog
was spiked with Old Spice.
235
00:11:04,236 --> 00:11:06,570
Gettin' revenge on Bianca
236
00:11:06,572 --> 00:11:08,805
was the only thing
gettin' me through.
237
00:11:08,807 --> 00:11:10,343
There, there, Mama.
238
00:11:11,878 --> 00:11:13,511
What are you watchin'?
239
00:11:13,513 --> 00:11:15,682
“Texas Today.”
I never miss a show.
240
00:11:17,149 --> 00:11:20,151
(TV) Some “human rights
activists” are mad
241
00:11:20,153 --> 00:11:21,853
because in Russia
they can throw anyone
242
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:24,488
they even suspect of being gay
243
00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:26,656
in jail without a trial.
244
00:11:26,658 --> 00:11:27,858
Well, you know me.
245
00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:29,861
- I don't hate the homosexuals.
- No.
246
00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:33,164
Even after Roger burned my neck
with a curling iron last week -
247
00:11:33,166 --> 00:11:34,598
and I still think
it was on purpose.
248
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,434
But, you know, you could
249
00:11:36,436 --> 00:11:38,569
still be fired here
just for bein' gay.
250
00:11:38,571 --> 00:11:41,405
But that doesn't mean
you have to be mad about it
251
00:11:41,407 --> 00:11:44,275
and start waving your hands
in the air with a hot iron.
252
00:11:44,277 --> 00:11:46,209
You should be grateful
for what you have.
253
00:11:46,211 --> 00:11:47,377
Exactly.
254
00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:50,781
Just because it's legal
to discriminate against anyone
255
00:11:50,783 --> 00:11:52,749
at a bakery anytime, anywhere,
256
00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:55,286
at least we're not
throwin' you in prison.
257
00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:56,219
Right.
258
00:11:56,221 --> 00:11:57,921
You think Texas is bad,
259
00:11:57,923 --> 00:12:01,492
you should try to go
to Saudi Arabia, Roger!
260
00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:02,859
It's worse than Russia.
261
00:12:02,861 --> 00:12:06,464
They throw homosexuals
off buildings there.
262
00:12:06,466 --> 00:12:09,536
My God, that is not fun
and it's very humid.
263
00:12:11,303 --> 00:12:12,703
Nice dress, Deborah.
264
00:12:12,705 --> 00:12:14,338
When Rent-A-Center
took your recliner,
265
00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:16,706
I see they left you
with the fabric.
266
00:12:16,708 --> 00:12:18,411
[maniacal laughter]
267
00:12:18,845 --> 00:12:20,447
[grunting]
268
00:12:21,313 --> 00:12:23,549
[screaming]
269
00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,221
[maniacal laughter]
270
00:12:33,725 --> 00:12:36,763
Maybe those terrorist Arabs
are onto something.
271
00:12:40,832 --> 00:12:42,666
Ah, great.
272
00:12:42,668 --> 00:12:45,902
Another episode of
"Little House on the Dreary."
273
00:12:45,904 --> 00:12:49,440
Where does Ma Ingalls
keep her moonshine?
274
00:12:49,442 --> 00:12:52,776
The alcohol's above the sink
in the kitchen.
275
00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:54,911
Anything under the sink
is poison.
276
00:12:54,913 --> 00:12:57,350
So help yourself to
whatever you want down there.
277
00:12:58,750 --> 00:13:01,919
I cannot believe that you
brought Rex in effect here.
278
00:13:01,921 --> 00:13:02,954
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
279
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:05,690
Well, I thought he needed
a change of scenery,
280
00:13:05,692 --> 00:13:07,858
and he's not the only one.
281
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:08,925
Seriously.
282
00:13:08,927 --> 00:13:10,393
Here you are.
283
00:13:10,395 --> 00:13:11,963
You're still
at that same school,
284
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:14,831
still in this same
old raggedy-ass house.
285
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,602
Uh, girl, I moved.
286
00:13:17,370 --> 00:13:19,903
Still in a new raggedy house,
287
00:13:19,905 --> 00:13:22,006
still with those glasses.
288
00:13:22,008 --> 00:13:24,675
And I know damn well that
Lasik has made it to Texas.
289
00:13:24,677 --> 00:13:27,445
Baby, you know they'll take
any excuse they can
290
00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,313
to shoot someone
in the face around here.
291
00:13:29,315 --> 00:13:32,315
I am so glad that you drove
all the way from Fire Island
292
00:13:32,317 --> 00:13:35,652
in a rented car
to criticize my life.
293
00:13:35,654 --> 00:13:36,988
Me, too, sis.
294
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:38,421
Great catchin' up.
295
00:13:38,423 --> 00:13:40,690
Okay, listen.
I'm fine here.
296
00:13:40,692 --> 00:13:42,459
- Did ya get the raise?
- No.
297
00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:44,328
Sleepin' with the hot coach?
298
00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:46,530
- No!
- Then how is any of this fine?
299
00:13:46,532 --> 00:13:48,965
And I'm not even talkin' about
those hideous-ass curtains.
300
00:13:48,967 --> 00:13:50,868
- Ah...
- Listen.
301
00:13:50,870 --> 00:13:53,436
Bianca made you sort of famous.
302
00:13:53,438 --> 00:13:56,674
Well, gay famous,
which is like straight famous
303
00:13:56,676 --> 00:13:58,276
except you don't make
as much money.
304
00:13:58,278 --> 00:14:00,777
And in America, the only reason
to be famous is to -
305
00:14:00,779 --> 00:14:01,811
say it with me now -
306
00:14:01,813 --> 00:14:04,217
get laid and get paid.
307
00:14:04,884 --> 00:14:06,751
Yeah. I read your shirt.
308
00:14:06,753 --> 00:14:09,619
I made that shirt...
and this.
309
00:14:09,621 --> 00:14:11,022
I make things.
310
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:13,726
I'm a maker...
the fresh maker.
311
00:14:15,662 --> 00:14:17,331
Weeee!
312
00:14:19,831 --> 00:14:21,335
[Rex gurgles]
313
00:14:26,405 --> 00:14:28,439
Yeah... Uh, listen.
314
00:14:28,441 --> 00:14:30,874
You need more Bianca
in your life.
315
00:14:30,876 --> 00:14:34,078
No! Bianca is upstairs
in the closet where she belongs.
316
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,012
Nobody wants to see
anymore Bianca,
317
00:14:36,014 --> 00:14:38,081
much less Bianca
teaching Chemistry.
318
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,651
Bianca does not
just have to teach.
319
00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:43,554
Look, Ambrosia Salad's been
wearing that same ass-green wig
320
00:14:43,556 --> 00:14:45,790
and same broken-down heels
since Stonewall,
321
00:14:45,792 --> 00:14:48,425
and she's still making
the money, honey.
322
00:14:48,427 --> 00:14:50,493
What is so wrong with me
being here teaching?
323
00:14:50,495 --> 00:14:52,363
That's what I moved here to do.
324
00:14:52,365 --> 00:14:53,497
- Well...
- There's a...
325
00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:55,534
You know what!
Enough about me.
326
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,667
Okay... Better question.
327
00:14:57,669 --> 00:14:59,502
Are you staying for dinner?
328
00:14:59,504 --> 00:15:03,773
Yes or no? Because I've got
a box of wine
329
00:15:03,775 --> 00:15:06,509
that isn't gonna drink itself.
330
00:15:06,511 --> 00:15:08,045
A girl's night in?
331
00:15:08,047 --> 00:15:09,046
Mm-hmm.
332
00:15:09,048 --> 00:15:10,815
You had me at box, bitch.
333
00:15:10,817 --> 00:15:12,550
[both laughing]
Come on, girl.
334
00:15:12,552 --> 00:15:14,451
Don't shit in my skillet!
335
00:15:14,453 --> 00:15:15,488
Ooh, shit.
336
00:15:17,423 --> 00:15:20,427
♪
337
00:15:28,668 --> 00:15:30,037
I made coffee.
338
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:34,041
What happened last night?
I can't remember anything.
339
00:15:35,774 --> 00:15:37,675
This is vodka!
340
00:15:37,677 --> 00:15:39,109
It's coffee-flavored.
341
00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:41,145
You bitches put me
through it last night
342
00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:42,879
and that is not helping.
343
00:15:42,881 --> 00:15:44,147
- Oh, girl.
- Oh!
344
00:15:44,149 --> 00:15:46,016
You're just out of practice,
that's all.
345
00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:49,052
Yeah. It's as easy
as falling off a bike.
346
00:15:49,054 --> 00:15:50,688
I never forget how.
347
00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:53,690
We had fun...
and you let loose.
348
00:15:53,692 --> 00:15:57,060
And we even got a little
Bianca del Rio up in there.
349
00:15:57,062 --> 00:16:00,430
What? Oh! God.
350
00:16:00,432 --> 00:16:03,934
Oh...
I'm not sure this is progress.
351
00:16:03,936 --> 00:16:07,504
I finally met the famous
Bianca del Rio.
352
00:16:07,506 --> 00:16:10,007
And she's a lot more fun
than you, believe me.
353
00:16:10,009 --> 00:16:11,142
Oh, shut up.
354
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,844
Hey, wh-
what's with the bags?
355
00:16:13,846 --> 00:16:16,180
Under your eyes?
356
00:16:16,182 --> 00:16:17,614
Just passin' through, honey.
357
00:16:17,616 --> 00:16:18,681
Bye, girls.
358
00:16:18,683 --> 00:16:20,684
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
359
00:16:20,686 --> 00:16:21,919
Where are you going?
360
00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:23,357
Where are you going?!!
361
00:16:25,658 --> 00:16:28,057
I know you just didn't come
here for an intervention.
362
00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:29,693
No, but I could have.
363
00:16:29,695 --> 00:16:30,861
Now sister, listen.
364
00:16:30,863 --> 00:16:31,862
What I say next to you,
365
00:16:31,864 --> 00:16:33,930
I say with the light of
the sweet Baby Jesus.
366
00:16:33,932 --> 00:16:35,699
Look at what you've become -
367
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:38,835
an elderly woman living alone
on a fixed income.
368
00:16:38,837 --> 00:16:40,905
You make money, but you
never make enough to leave.
369
00:16:40,907 --> 00:16:42,605
That's called Texas Holdem.
370
00:16:42,607 --> 00:16:45,511
I think I have a deck
of cards in my ass.
371
00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:48,878
Look, I'm from here.
I know how it is.
372
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,915
Pull Bianca
out of that genie bottle
373
00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:52,849
and make your escape now.
374
00:16:52,851 --> 00:16:53,917
Oh, great!
375
00:16:53,919 --> 00:16:55,853
And just go back to New York
with the two of you?
376
00:16:55,855 --> 00:16:57,121
Oh, not New York, honey.
377
00:16:57,123 --> 00:16:59,556
I am going to Hollywood.
378
00:16:59,558 --> 00:17:01,791
Well, technically,
Long Beach, but...
379
00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:05,196
It's like Hollywood
but for lesbians and fat people.
380
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,998
I'm performing on a cruise ship.
381
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,167
Cruise ship? How are you gonna
take Rex on a cruise ship?
382
00:17:10,169 --> 00:17:12,603
He can barely
stand up on dry land.
383
00:17:12,605 --> 00:17:14,205
Oh, I'm not going.
384
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,207
I'm staying here with you.
385
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,507
Oh, no, no, no, no!
386
00:17:17,509 --> 00:17:19,142
- No, no.
- Ah, yes.
387
00:17:19,144 --> 00:17:21,478
No! You are not
leaving me with this thing!
388
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,815
Maybe the sweet Texas sun
has made your brain soft.
389
00:17:24,817 --> 00:17:26,917
Rex is your problem;
Bailey is mine.
390
00:17:26,919 --> 00:17:27,852
That's how this whole
391
00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:30,988
Little Sisters, Big Messes
program works.
392
00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:32,890
I have been gone
for over a year.
393
00:17:32,892 --> 00:17:34,624
Rex is no longer my problem.
394
00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:37,827
When you temporarily left,
you took your little goldfish,
395
00:17:37,829 --> 00:17:40,698
but you left your
not-quite fish with me.
396
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,067
Now I've got bigger fish to fry,
so Rex is yours again.
397
00:17:44,069 --> 00:17:45,702
(Rex) I'm fine.
398
00:17:45,704 --> 00:17:47,805
I just need some electrolytes.
399
00:17:47,807 --> 00:17:49,507
- No, no, no, no...
- Oh, yes...
400
00:17:49,509 --> 00:17:50,341
Get out of my car!
401
00:17:50,343 --> 00:17:52,242
You did not
bring him here before.
402
00:17:52,244 --> 00:17:53,844
Why are you
bringing him here now?
403
00:17:53,846 --> 00:17:55,679
Because before he had a man,
404
00:17:55,681 --> 00:17:57,815
but since he swallowed
that bag of pennies, well...
405
00:17:57,817 --> 00:18:01,084
Is this Red Bull or Gatorade?
406
00:18:01,086 --> 00:18:03,853
That's antifreeze!
Get away from there!
407
00:18:03,855 --> 00:18:06,222
Ha, ha! I told you
you'd be a good mom,
408
00:18:06,224 --> 00:18:08,225
and not just because
of your hips.
409
00:18:08,227 --> 00:18:09,759
Your life was empty.
410
00:18:09,761 --> 00:18:11,027
I gave it purpose.
411
00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:11,828
You're welcome, bitch.
412
00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:13,831
- No, no, no, no.
- You're welcome!
413
00:18:13,833 --> 00:18:15,665
- Do not do this to me.
- I'm goin', bitch.
414
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:16,801
Do not do this to me.
415
00:18:16,803 --> 00:18:18,835
- Write me on the cruise.
- Stephen, this is not fair!
416
00:18:18,837 --> 00:18:21,738
I hope you fall on
the propeller, you nasty bitch.
417
00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:22,875
- No!
- Oh, yes!
418
00:18:24,076 --> 00:18:26,075
I'll never let go, Jack.
419
00:18:26,077 --> 00:18:27,580
Go fish!
420
00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:33,787
Fuck!
421
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,021
Weee!
422
00:18:38,624 --> 00:18:40,724
I thought you were
nocturnal creatures.
423
00:18:40,726 --> 00:18:42,325
Go on, get out of here!
Get out of here!
424
00:18:42,327 --> 00:18:44,763
Keep your Bianca faces
away from me.
425
00:18:50,269 --> 00:18:51,802
Look, Mama.
I'm pretty again.
426
00:18:51,804 --> 00:18:52,769
Yeah. It looks like
427
00:18:52,771 --> 00:18:54,705
you're smuggling
fenders across the border.
428
00:18:54,707 --> 00:18:56,006
Don't worry, Carly.
429
00:18:56,008 --> 00:18:57,708
You'll get your
real fake boobs soon.
430
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:58,909
I've got a plan.
431
00:18:58,911 --> 00:18:59,844
A job plan, right?
432
00:18:59,846 --> 00:19:01,844
Not an overly
complicated revenge plot.
433
00:19:01,846 --> 00:19:04,248
Got bit by those raccoons,
by the way.
434
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:05,815
What's the worst place on Earth?
435
00:19:05,817 --> 00:19:06,984
Texas in July?
436
00:19:06,986 --> 00:19:07,951
Worse than Texas.
437
00:19:07,953 --> 00:19:09,620
Bigger than Texas.
438
00:19:09,622 --> 00:19:10,990
Stricter than Texas.
439
00:19:11,723 --> 00:19:12,756
Russia?
440
00:19:12,758 --> 00:19:14,725
That's where vodka gets born.
441
00:19:14,727 --> 00:19:16,626
And elections get stolen.
442
00:19:16,628 --> 00:19:18,228
Who cares
when you're the winner!
443
00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:21,198
“An all-expense-paid,
first class ticket to Moscow.”
444
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,732
This smells like a scam.
445
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:25,035
Don't look a gift whore
in the mouth,
446
00:19:25,037 --> 00:19:28,338
because she probably has
jacked-up teeth. [giggles]
447
00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:31,174
I mean, how did I win a contest
that I didn't even enter?
448
00:19:31,176 --> 00:19:32,843
Because you didn't win.
449
00:19:32,845 --> 00:19:35,679
Look...
Bianca won.
450
00:19:35,681 --> 00:19:38,114
“We're pleased to honor
the Teacher of the Year,
451
00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:39,150
Bianca del Rio,
452
00:19:39,152 --> 00:19:42,119
at the annual Alchemy and
Manufactory Exposition
453
00:19:42,121 --> 00:19:46,155
and present her with
a cash prize of $100,000
454
00:19:46,157 --> 00:19:49,258
paid in real American money.”
455
00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:51,061
Seems legit.
456
00:19:51,063 --> 00:19:53,266
I guess this means
Bianca's coming back.
457
00:19:56,102 --> 00:19:57,234
Crunch!
458
00:19:57,236 --> 00:19:58,802
I was watchin'
that show you like,
459
00:19:58,804 --> 00:20:00,638
and they were talkin' about
how they throw gays
460
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,405
off buildings in Saudi Arabia.
461
00:20:02,407 --> 00:20:05,909
And I'm thinkin', “How do I get
Bianca del Rio to Riyadh?”
462
00:20:05,911 --> 00:20:08,178
You can't throw someone
off a building, Mama.
463
00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:11,081
I know. I mean they
barely let you drive there.
464
00:20:11,083 --> 00:20:12,382
So then I'm thinkin', okay,
465
00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:14,284
what's the next best
worst place there is.
466
00:20:14,286 --> 00:20:15,251
Russia!
467
00:20:15,253 --> 00:20:17,321
Well, why would
Bianca del Rio go to Russia?
468
00:20:17,323 --> 00:20:20,690
Easy. I sent her a letter sayin'
she won this teachin' award,
469
00:20:20,692 --> 00:20:22,860
only she has to go
to Russia to get it.
470
00:20:22,862 --> 00:20:25,962
Knowin' her, that's an offer
her ego can't refuse.
471
00:20:25,964 --> 00:20:27,296
And once they get
a good look at her,
472
00:20:27,298 --> 00:20:29,333
they'll know she's a queer-bait
drag-queen freak
473
00:20:29,335 --> 00:20:30,366
and lock her up.
474
00:20:30,368 --> 00:20:32,638
Right, so pack those fun bags!
475
00:20:33,939 --> 00:20:34,841
We're goin' to Russia!
476
00:20:35,273 --> 00:20:37,106
I can't just fly to Russia.
477
00:20:37,108 --> 00:20:38,441
It's the middle
of the school year.
478
00:20:38,443 --> 00:20:39,776
[hiccups]
479
00:20:39,778 --> 00:20:41,045
How drunk are you?
480
00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:42,912
I'm completely sober.
481
00:20:42,914 --> 00:20:44,984
This is my one hour chip.
482
00:20:47,353 --> 00:20:48,352
I'm full.
483
00:20:48,354 --> 00:20:49,420
And you can't go either.
484
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,689
You said that you just
got that job off your app.
485
00:20:51,691 --> 00:20:54,290
I did!
Last night in the park.
486
00:20:54,292 --> 00:20:55,926
I know you think
I don't work hard,
487
00:20:55,928 --> 00:20:58,261
but I'll work two jobs
at once if I have to,
488
00:20:58,263 --> 00:21:00,698
or if one of them is really hot.
489
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:02,732
Remember when I told you
that when you talk
490
00:21:02,734 --> 00:21:04,267
it makes people sad?
491
00:21:04,269 --> 00:21:05,936
What have you got to lose?
492
00:21:05,938 --> 00:21:07,336
Call the number on the letter.
493
00:21:07,338 --> 00:21:10,039
If it's legit,
free trip to Russia -
494
00:21:10,041 --> 00:21:11,944
and all that money!
495
00:21:13,011 --> 00:21:16,479
Well, the expo is
during spring break,
496
00:21:16,481 --> 00:21:18,347
and $100,000
is a lot of money.
497
00:21:18,349 --> 00:21:21,852
And as much as I hate
to admit it, Stephen was right.
498
00:21:21,854 --> 00:21:24,153
There's absolutely nothing
keeping me here in Texas.
499
00:21:24,155 --> 00:21:25,424
Less than nothing.
500
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:28,357
Okay, fine.
501
00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:30,427
Dasvidaniya, Texas!
502
00:21:30,429 --> 00:21:32,462
Bianca del Rio's
goin' to Russia!
503
00:21:32,464 --> 00:21:34,797
[both laughing, cheering]
504
00:21:34,799 --> 00:21:37,034
I can't wait
to see Bianca in action.
505
00:21:37,036 --> 00:21:39,001
No, no, no.
You're not coming with me.
506
00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:41,805
I'm sure there's some long-term
kennel I can put you in.
507
00:21:41,807 --> 00:21:43,006
You owe me.
508
00:21:43,008 --> 00:21:46,142
You left New York, and I
didn't even get to say goodbye.
509
00:21:46,144 --> 00:21:49,179
Bitch, you were in the ICU.
510
00:21:49,181 --> 00:21:51,981
Oh, yeah.
That was a fun party.
511
00:21:51,983 --> 00:21:56,987
Well, if I can't go to Russia,
I guess I'll just stay here,
512
00:21:56,989 --> 00:21:58,758
unattended.
513
00:21:59,023 --> 00:22:02,191
Hey, you don't need your
cleaning deposit back, do you?
514
00:22:02,193 --> 00:22:05,062
Okay. Put it down.
Fine, fine, fine.
515
00:22:05,064 --> 00:22:08,832
Bianca and Rex
are going to Russia.
516
00:22:08,834 --> 00:22:10,170
[cheering]
517
00:22:11,804 --> 00:22:13,036
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
518
00:22:13,038 --> 00:22:15,372
And listen.
We are going as friends.
519
00:22:15,374 --> 00:22:17,106
Don't get handsy,
‘cause if you do,
520
00:22:17,108 --> 00:22:18,342
I'm gonna throw you
in the dumpster,
521
00:22:18,344 --> 00:22:20,844
like the one you were
born in on prom night.
522
00:22:20,846 --> 00:22:24,948
I- I-I just need to check in
with the CDC before I go.
523
00:22:24,950 --> 00:22:26,885
They always like to know
where I am.
524
00:22:29,855 --> 00:22:33,055
And now I have to
take a Silkwood Shower.
525
00:22:33,057 --> 00:22:34,326
It's gross.
526
00:22:36,461 --> 00:22:38,528
So how does
sending Bianca to Russia
527
00:22:38,530 --> 00:22:40,898
get us out of debt
and me in a bigger bra?
528
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:42,298
First, we go to Russia.
529
00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:45,401
Then, we watch the Minister of
Homosexual Propaganda
530
00:22:45,403 --> 00:22:47,504
put Bianca in jail forever.
531
00:22:47,506 --> 00:22:51,141
Next, we get your boobs fixed
dirt cheap in Moscow.
532
00:22:51,143 --> 00:22:53,242
That whole country's like
one giant Dollar Store.
533
00:22:53,244 --> 00:22:55,144
Then, with Bianca
out of the picture,
534
00:22:55,146 --> 00:22:57,180
I'd get my old job back
at the school.
535
00:22:57,182 --> 00:22:59,850
I mean it's lose, win-win-win.
536
00:22:59,852 --> 00:23:02,018
Wait. If we can't even
afford a recliner,
537
00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:03,921
how are we gonna afford
to get to Russia?
538
00:23:03,923 --> 00:23:07,224
Well, I may have had myself
declared legally dead
539
00:23:07,226 --> 00:23:08,825
and collected
the insurance money
540
00:23:08,827 --> 00:23:11,094
by pretendin' to be
my imaginary twin sister.
541
00:23:11,096 --> 00:23:13,430
But we'll sort all that out
when we get back...
542
00:23:13,432 --> 00:23:14,498
from Russia!
543
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:15,902
Woo-hoo!
544
00:23:17,169 --> 00:23:19,536
Do you have any more wig glue?
I'm out.
545
00:23:19,538 --> 00:23:21,470
I told you
not to huff that stuff.
546
00:23:21,472 --> 00:23:24,240
You barely have
a two-digit IQ as it is.
547
00:23:24,242 --> 00:23:26,879
I use it for
legitimate purposes.
548
00:23:30,481 --> 00:23:33,115
I've been downloading a lot
of apps on my phone -
549
00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:37,120
translators, local restaurant
guides, both hookup apps.
550
00:23:37,122 --> 00:23:40,123
Apparently there's a lot
of bears in Russia
551
00:23:40,125 --> 00:23:41,394
that are lesbians.
552
00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,096
[laughing]
553
00:23:44,395 --> 00:23:46,563
Where do you think
you're going dressed like that?
554
00:23:46,565 --> 00:23:47,631
Moscow!
555
00:23:47,633 --> 00:23:50,334
How are you gonna
get through airport security?
556
00:23:50,336 --> 00:23:53,237
Okay, I'll change, but I don't
want to miss our 9:00 flight.
557
00:23:53,239 --> 00:23:56,405
Yeah, 9... 9 PM!
At night!
558
00:23:56,407 --> 00:23:58,107
On Saturday!
559
00:23:58,109 --> 00:24:00,009
It's Wednesday, you dink.
560
00:24:00,011 --> 00:24:01,178
Here.
561
00:24:01,180 --> 00:24:03,180
Now listen. I've got two more
days at the high school
562
00:24:03,182 --> 00:24:04,381
before we're outta here.
563
00:24:04,383 --> 00:24:06,952
Do not swallow a jar-full
of pennies while I'm gone.
564
00:24:10,655 --> 00:24:12,457
That only happened once.
565
00:24:14,559 --> 00:24:17,196
[ship horn blows]
566
00:24:20,432 --> 00:24:23,600
Mama, why does Bianca
get to fly first class to Russia
567
00:24:23,602 --> 00:24:26,335
and we're stuck hidin'
in this shipping container?
568
00:24:26,337 --> 00:24:28,404
I had to be sure
Bianca took the bait.
569
00:24:28,406 --> 00:24:30,574
Also, now that
I'm legally dead,
570
00:24:30,576 --> 00:24:32,478
I technically don't have
a passport anymore.
571
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,080
Why's your bag movin'?
572
00:24:37,082 --> 00:24:39,382
Oh, I brought one of
the raccoons along
573
00:24:39,384 --> 00:24:40,616
in case we need it.
574
00:24:40,618 --> 00:24:42,184
Or if we get hungry...
575
00:24:42,186 --> 00:24:43,589
It's gonna be a long trip.
576
00:24:44,522 --> 00:24:46,326
- Old Spice?
- No.
577
00:24:49,595 --> 00:24:50,559
Woo!
578
00:24:50,561 --> 00:24:51,527
Ah!
579
00:24:51,529 --> 00:24:52,898
[raccoon chatters]
580
00:24:56,434 --> 00:25:00,072
♪
581
00:25:16,321 --> 00:25:18,421
I'm convinced that
the movie “Psycho”
582
00:25:18,423 --> 00:25:20,257
was filmed in that bathroom.
583
00:25:20,259 --> 00:25:21,490
Twinsies!
584
00:25:21,492 --> 00:25:23,192
Oh, thank God.
585
00:25:23,194 --> 00:25:25,027
The only thing that would
make this room worse
586
00:25:25,029 --> 00:25:27,029
is havin' to
share a bed with you.
587
00:25:27,031 --> 00:25:28,332
You should be so lucky.
588
00:25:28,334 --> 00:25:30,600
You know this place
is really, really gross.
589
00:25:30,602 --> 00:25:33,003
It makes Motel 6 look high-end.
590
00:25:33,005 --> 00:25:35,538
No wonder Tolstoy
was so depressing.
591
00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:36,739
Right?
592
00:25:36,741 --> 00:25:38,607
Remember in Tolstoy Three
when they were
593
00:25:38,609 --> 00:25:40,710
all holding hands
in the furnace?
594
00:25:40,712 --> 00:25:44,113
I didn't know a cartoon
could wreck my shit like that.
595
00:25:44,115 --> 00:25:46,283
You should talk less
and maybe read more.
596
00:25:46,285 --> 00:25:50,187
At least the room comes with
a complimentary bottle of vodka.
597
00:25:50,189 --> 00:25:52,255
Yeah, well, we could
use that as disinfectant.
598
00:25:52,257 --> 00:25:54,560
I can see Alaska from my room!
599
00:25:56,161 --> 00:25:57,361
I don't think so.
600
00:25:57,363 --> 00:25:59,164
Hiiiii-eeeeee!
601
00:26:08,106 --> 00:26:10,407
Yeah, well luckily, we're not
gonna have to be here long,
602
00:26:10,409 --> 00:26:12,074
just a few days.
603
00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:14,247
Well, we got to soak up
some local color.
604
00:26:17,148 --> 00:26:18,481
Oh, God.
605
00:26:18,483 --> 00:26:22,419
I want to go down to the Expo
and let them know that I'm here.
606
00:26:22,421 --> 00:26:25,055
“House Hunters”!
I love this show.
607
00:26:25,057 --> 00:26:26,789
[TV, with Russian accent]
I like house number one.
608
00:26:26,791 --> 00:26:30,059
The open-concept kitchen
had good flow between
609
00:26:30,061 --> 00:26:33,630
the living room and bedroom
because no interior walls.
610
00:26:33,632 --> 00:26:37,299
But we'd have to draw water
from the well out back
611
00:26:37,301 --> 00:26:39,036
since it didn't have
indoor plumbing.
612
00:26:39,038 --> 00:26:40,270
Neither did house number three.
613
00:26:40,272 --> 00:26:44,106
The crumbling living room walls
let in a lot of natural light,
614
00:26:44,108 --> 00:26:47,544
which we need because someone
stripped the copper wiring.
615
00:26:47,546 --> 00:26:50,046
Th-that desperate hovel
was great,
616
00:26:50,048 --> 00:26:53,350
but I-I-I don't like a wall
with so many nails in it.
617
00:26:53,352 --> 00:26:54,750
We aren't royalty.
618
00:26:54,752 --> 00:26:57,586
I liked house number two.
It's in our price range.
619
00:26:57,588 --> 00:26:59,555
But on the small side
620
00:26:59,557 --> 00:27:02,058
and a little too close
to Chernobyl.
621
00:27:02,060 --> 00:27:06,430
Yes, but the interior walls and
the updated bathroom sold me.
622
00:27:06,432 --> 00:27:08,000
I think house number two.
623
00:27:08,267 --> 00:27:11,434
Our nice, young heterosexual
couple chose correctly.
624
00:27:11,436 --> 00:27:13,636
The second house
with its modern décor,
625
00:27:13,638 --> 00:27:15,705
functioning appliances
626
00:27:15,707 --> 00:27:19,442
and a tasteful use
of rich colors,
627
00:27:19,444 --> 00:27:23,182
obviously the work of a deviant
homosexual who must be punished!
628
00:27:23,781 --> 00:27:25,248
"House Hunters"
has gone downhill
629
00:27:25,250 --> 00:27:27,116
since they got rid of
Suzanne Whang.
630
00:27:27,118 --> 00:27:29,786
That's not “House Hunters.”
That's “Homo Hunters.”
631
00:27:29,788 --> 00:27:32,221
And look!
It's that Svetlana -
632
00:27:32,223 --> 00:27:33,489
that Russian bitch.
633
00:27:33,491 --> 00:27:36,093
She's the Minister of
Homosexual Propaganda.
634
00:27:36,095 --> 00:27:38,260
She's the one that
puts all the gays in prison.
635
00:27:38,262 --> 00:27:39,863
For making her wear that jacket?
636
00:27:39,865 --> 00:27:42,164
No, asshole, for being gay!
637
00:27:42,166 --> 00:27:44,133
Russia has very strict laws,
638
00:27:44,135 --> 00:27:48,138
which is why it's very important
for you to be inconspicuous.
639
00:27:48,140 --> 00:27:49,439
Do you know
what that word means?
640
00:27:49,441 --> 00:27:51,540
Inconspicuous is my middle name.
641
00:27:51,542 --> 00:27:53,211
I have mean parents.
642
00:27:56,181 --> 00:27:57,549
Hey, girls!
643
00:27:57,849 --> 00:28:00,150
So much for being inconspicuous!
644
00:28:00,152 --> 00:28:02,751
What? I don't want people
to know we're at a science fair.
645
00:28:02,753 --> 00:28:04,854
All we have to do
is find the coordinator
646
00:28:04,856 --> 00:28:07,257
and let them know that
Bianca will be here tomorrow
647
00:28:07,259 --> 00:28:10,392
to collect the check,
and then we're out of here.
648
00:28:10,394 --> 00:28:13,563
Siri. How do you say
“hot nerd” in Russian?
649
00:28:13,565 --> 00:28:16,298
(phone) I am not Siri,
you capitalist pig.
650
00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:17,834
- See.
- Just look around.
651
00:28:17,836 --> 00:28:19,503
You don't need an app for that.
652
00:28:19,505 --> 00:28:22,175
Ugh!
My boredom is zero feet away.
653
00:28:28,346 --> 00:28:30,650
[indistinct chatter]
654
00:28:36,387 --> 00:28:39,221
[Russian accent] To light bulb,
we cut potato in half.
655
00:28:39,223 --> 00:28:41,324
Find two coins
if you can spare them,
656
00:28:41,326 --> 00:28:43,160
two nails
from house next door,
657
00:28:43,162 --> 00:28:44,928
and a little bit
of copper wire.
658
00:28:44,930 --> 00:28:47,396
Now, copper wire is easy
to fetch from the neighbor,
659
00:28:47,398 --> 00:28:49,865
because once you take the two
nails the house falls down.
660
00:28:49,867 --> 00:28:50,866
He's cute.
661
00:28:50,868 --> 00:28:52,936
When we get back to the hotel,
remind me to go
662
00:28:52,938 --> 00:28:55,604
down to the basement
and find your standards.
663
00:28:55,606 --> 00:28:57,474
Standards? Coming from you?
664
00:28:57,476 --> 00:28:59,508
You're the one that found
the sex offender registry
665
00:28:59,510 --> 00:29:01,411
and thought it was
a dating site.
666
00:29:01,413 --> 00:29:03,580
Add all these materials
together to the potato
667
00:29:03,582 --> 00:29:05,485
and we are making electricity.
668
00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:07,452
Any questions?
669
00:29:07,885 --> 00:29:09,219
Da.
670
00:29:09,221 --> 00:29:10,853
When do we eat potato?
671
00:29:10,855 --> 00:29:12,189
Oh.
672
00:29:12,191 --> 00:29:15,324
How many share
in one-half potato?
673
00:29:15,326 --> 00:29:16,793
Whole family?
674
00:29:16,795 --> 00:29:20,396
Potatoes for making electricity.
Not for eating.
675
00:29:20,398 --> 00:29:21,600
[all sigh]
676
00:29:26,837 --> 00:29:29,372
Hi. I-I'm Richard Martinez,
677
00:29:29,374 --> 00:29:32,241
and I'm a science teacher
from America and...
678
00:29:32,243 --> 00:29:33,977
...and this is my friend Rex,
679
00:29:33,979 --> 00:29:36,680
and we've come here
for the, uh, science expo.
680
00:29:36,682 --> 00:29:38,815
Hi.
Mitya.
681
00:29:38,817 --> 00:29:40,283
Short for Dmitriy.
682
00:29:40,285 --> 00:29:42,686
Mitya, nice to meet ya'.
683
00:29:42,688 --> 00:29:43,890
[chuckling]
684
00:29:45,656 --> 00:29:46,890
Oh, look!
685
00:29:46,892 --> 00:29:48,894
Anything else.
686
00:29:55,366 --> 00:29:56,799
We can get lunch soon, Mama.
687
00:29:56,801 --> 00:29:58,267
That raccoon
wasn't very filling.
688
00:29:58,269 --> 00:30:00,237
Yeah, yeah.
I just got to find Bianca
689
00:30:00,239 --> 00:30:02,572
and then get the police
to rush in here and arrest her.
690
00:30:02,574 --> 00:30:04,911
It will be glorious!
691
00:30:06,510 --> 00:30:09,511
Why did the Russian hooker
pee on the mattress?
692
00:30:09,513 --> 00:30:11,783
‘Cause she thought
it was you, Deborah!
693
00:30:12,951 --> 00:30:14,653
[gasps]
Fake news!
694
00:30:18,522 --> 00:30:19,756
[screaming]
695
00:30:19,758 --> 00:30:22,025
Hasta la pavement, bitch!
696
00:30:22,027 --> 00:30:24,393
Debbieeee!!!!
697
00:30:24,395 --> 00:30:25,964
[laughs maniacally]
698
00:30:31,036 --> 00:30:32,835
She's dressed as Richard?!
699
00:30:32,837 --> 00:30:34,770
How am I gonna
get the police to arrest her
700
00:30:34,772 --> 00:30:36,538
if she's just a
run-of-the-mill gay burger
701
00:30:36,540 --> 00:30:38,874
without the flame sauce
and extra cheese?
702
00:30:38,876 --> 00:30:41,577
Mmm, cheese...
You're makin' me hungry.
703
00:30:41,579 --> 00:30:43,046
Come on.
Let's go back to the hotel.
704
00:30:43,048 --> 00:30:44,249
I know how to
get rid of her there.
705
00:30:45,683 --> 00:30:48,584
America is a long way to come
just for a little Alchemy Expo.
706
00:30:48,586 --> 00:30:49,553
Well, I'm...
707
00:30:49,555 --> 00:30:52,455
I mean, a friend of mine
is getting a prize.
708
00:30:52,457 --> 00:30:55,691
So I only came here tonight to,
uh, meet up with the organizer.
709
00:30:55,693 --> 00:30:58,862
Ah, Sacha is gone already,
but will be back tomorrow.
710
00:30:58,864 --> 00:31:01,398
Will, um, you be here tomorrow?
711
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:02,399
Yes.
712
00:31:02,401 --> 00:31:03,767
I see you then?
713
00:31:03,769 --> 00:31:04,801
Sure.
714
00:31:04,803 --> 00:31:05,972
- Okay.
- Okay.
715
00:31:07,638 --> 00:31:08,305
See you then.
716
00:31:08,307 --> 00:31:09,338
- Da.
- Mm-hmm.
717
00:31:09,340 --> 00:31:10,606
- Ya.
- See you then.
718
00:31:10,608 --> 00:31:11,509
Bye-bye.
719
00:31:18,517 --> 00:31:19,818
Ahhh!
720
00:31:23,989 --> 00:31:25,455
Bye-bye...
721
00:31:25,457 --> 00:31:26,692
Please don't die.
722
00:31:26,958 --> 00:31:29,892
All I'm sayin' is
keep it in your panties.
723
00:31:29,894 --> 00:31:32,094
Russia's already dangerous
enough for the both of us
724
00:31:32,096 --> 00:31:34,530
without you making
a spectacle of yourself.
725
00:31:34,532 --> 00:31:35,699
Oh, don't come for me.
726
00:31:35,701 --> 00:31:37,600
I saw you over there with
the queen of the nerd herd.
727
00:31:37,602 --> 00:31:39,401
God, your meet cute
was so pathetic,
728
00:31:39,403 --> 00:31:41,904
if I still had the gag reflex
I'd barf.
729
00:31:41,906 --> 00:31:44,540
Mitya was the only interesting
person at that place.
730
00:31:44,542 --> 00:31:46,042
And really,
is that what they call
731
00:31:46,044 --> 00:31:47,544
a science fair here in Russia?
732
00:31:47,546 --> 00:31:49,645
Pretty flimsy for a country
that hacked elections.
733
00:31:49,647 --> 00:31:51,014
Exactly! Which doesn't explain
734
00:31:51,016 --> 00:31:52,782
how they could afford
those plane tickets
735
00:31:52,784 --> 00:31:54,950
and the $100,000 prize.
736
00:31:54,952 --> 00:31:56,986
You always overthink everything.
737
00:31:56,988 --> 00:31:58,020
You know what...
738
00:31:58,022 --> 00:31:59,788
You always
under-think everything.
739
00:31:59,790 --> 00:32:01,824
You see?
You see what you did there?
740
00:32:01,826 --> 00:32:04,661
You and Stephen always say
that we're friends,
741
00:32:04,663 --> 00:32:08,064
but you talk about me like I'm
your nephew with Alzheimer's.
742
00:32:08,066 --> 00:32:11,133
All I'm saying is that
you should trust me more.
743
00:32:11,135 --> 00:32:12,669
Why don't you just relax
744
00:32:12,671 --> 00:32:15,537
and enjoy all that Russia
has to offer?
745
00:32:15,539 --> 00:32:18,574
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Relax. Enjoy...
746
00:32:18,576 --> 00:32:19,778
[gasps] Oh!!!
747
00:32:22,446 --> 00:32:23,546
[Russian accent]
Is this your room?
748
00:32:23,548 --> 00:32:24,849
Uh, ye-yeah.
749
00:32:25,584 --> 00:32:28,054
What seems to be
the trouble, officer?
750
00:32:29,453 --> 00:32:30,519
Whose suitcase is this?
751
00:32:30,521 --> 00:32:32,455
- Oh...
- Bianca.
752
00:32:32,457 --> 00:32:35,892
Is Bianca flaming drag queen
or degenerate homosexual?
753
00:32:35,894 --> 00:32:37,126
Yes.
754
00:32:37,128 --> 00:32:40,863
Actually, Bianca was gonna take,
uh, these clothes and... wigs
755
00:32:40,865 --> 00:32:44,500
to her mother's to cheer her up
because, uh, she's really sick.
756
00:32:44,502 --> 00:32:45,535
Cancer.
757
00:32:45,537 --> 00:32:47,036
[feigns cough]
758
00:32:47,038 --> 00:32:48,039
Hmm!
759
00:32:48,940 --> 00:32:49,972
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey.
760
00:32:49,974 --> 00:32:52,409
I- I-I ju-had, just...
761
00:32:52,411 --> 00:32:54,980
Oh, great. Great.
[car doors slam]
762
00:32:58,517 --> 00:33:01,049
So far, your plan of relaxing
and waiting to see
763
00:33:01,051 --> 00:33:03,819
what Russia has in store for us
really worked out great.
764
00:33:03,821 --> 00:33:05,721
Didn't it?
Now what are we gonna do?
765
00:33:05,723 --> 00:33:08,490
Now that the police have
confiscated all of our drag!
766
00:33:08,492 --> 00:33:09,793
I went through your bag.
767
00:33:09,795 --> 00:33:11,827
Most of it was from
an outlet mall anyway.
768
00:33:11,829 --> 00:33:13,162
There was 50 cents in my purse.
769
00:33:13,164 --> 00:33:14,963
We'll replace the rest
when we go home.
770
00:33:14,965 --> 00:33:17,866
They're expecting Bianca del Rio
tomorrow at the expo.
771
00:33:17,868 --> 00:33:21,004
But how is Bianca gonna go there
and collect $100,000 check
772
00:33:21,006 --> 00:33:23,773
when Bianca's being
hauled away in a bag?!
773
00:33:23,775 --> 00:33:26,742
You can use my outfit.
You can have my wig.
774
00:33:26,744 --> 00:33:30,447
We'll let this dress out
in the back... A lot.
775
00:33:30,449 --> 00:33:32,015
And nobody will know any better.
776
00:33:32,017 --> 00:33:34,017
Well, that's not gonna work
because they've probably already
777
00:33:34,019 --> 00:33:35,884
seen pictures of me
on the internet.
778
00:33:35,886 --> 00:33:38,654
Internet?!
They barely have electricity.
779
00:33:38,656 --> 00:33:41,090
You've seen your boyfriend
and his potato.
780
00:33:41,092 --> 00:33:42,491
It's pathetic.
781
00:33:42,493 --> 00:33:44,727
Bianca has brown hair,
and that dress of yours
782
00:33:44,729 --> 00:33:46,462
is a walking
bacterial test strip!
783
00:33:46,464 --> 00:33:48,096
What we need to do
is find somebody
784
00:33:48,098 --> 00:33:49,966
in this country that has drag.
785
00:33:49,968 --> 00:33:51,801
We can create a new Bianca.
786
00:33:51,803 --> 00:33:54,671
I can go in, collect the check,
and get the hell out of here!
787
00:33:54,673 --> 00:33:56,738
Because the longer we stay here,
the bigger chance we have
788
00:33:56,740 --> 00:34:00,176
of somebody giving us a one-way
ticket to a Siberian hell hole!
789
00:34:00,178 --> 00:34:01,643
You're so dramatic.
790
00:34:01,645 --> 00:34:04,080
Fine. I'll ask some guys
on this app
791
00:34:04,082 --> 00:34:06,048
if there is a gay bar
around here.
792
00:34:06,050 --> 00:34:08,017
I'm sure there's
a tragic drag show.
793
00:34:08,019 --> 00:34:09,017
There always is.
794
00:34:09,019 --> 00:34:11,521
We'll steal some looks,
collect that check,
795
00:34:11,523 --> 00:34:13,526
and head back to Texas.
[feigns gagging]
796
00:34:14,092 --> 00:34:15,025
What do you know!
797
00:34:15,027 --> 00:34:17,726
I guess I do have
some gag reflex left.
798
00:34:17,728 --> 00:34:20,597
I'm full of surprises.
[giggles]
799
00:34:20,599 --> 00:34:22,568
[scoffs]
Gross.
800
00:34:26,538 --> 00:34:28,838
Mama, you'll never guess
what I got.
801
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:31,840
Stop scratchin'
or it won't heal right.
802
00:34:31,842 --> 00:34:34,744
It's not gonna heal right
until that doctor fixes me.
803
00:34:34,746 --> 00:34:37,613
We've been in Moscow two hours
and Bianca isn't in jail yet.
804
00:34:37,615 --> 00:34:39,516
What kind of country is this?
805
00:34:39,518 --> 00:34:40,849
We called the police
and reported
806
00:34:40,851 --> 00:34:43,151
a room-full of flaming
drag queens and homosexuals.
807
00:34:43,153 --> 00:34:44,920
What more can we do?
808
00:34:44,922 --> 00:34:47,990
Can we please get some
lunch and find that doctor?
809
00:34:47,992 --> 00:34:49,226
We'll get some food on the way.
810
00:34:49,228 --> 00:34:52,528
Those queer burgers found
a gay bar they're goin' to.
811
00:34:52,530 --> 00:34:53,829
This could be our big break.
812
00:34:53,831 --> 00:34:55,898
Mm... Burgers.
813
00:34:55,900 --> 00:34:57,099
But first...
814
00:34:57,101 --> 00:34:59,170
we'll need a disguise.
815
00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:04,874
Where are we?
816
00:35:04,876 --> 00:35:06,543
I don't know.
We're in Russia.
817
00:35:06,545 --> 00:35:08,677
It smells like desperation.
818
00:35:08,679 --> 00:35:10,114
We must be close.
819
00:35:13,684 --> 00:35:14,786
[knocks on door]
820
00:35:16,922 --> 00:35:17,923
Da?
821
00:35:20,157 --> 00:35:21,659
Glasnost!
822
00:35:23,862 --> 00:35:30,869
♪ Spread my wings and fly... ♪
823
00:35:33,137 --> 00:35:34,670
♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪
824
00:35:34,672 --> 00:35:36,606
♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪
825
00:35:36,608 --> 00:35:38,307
♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪
826
00:35:38,309 --> 00:35:40,742
♪ She's an undercover ♪
827
00:35:40,744 --> 00:35:41,844
♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪
828
00:35:41,846 --> 00:35:43,211
[Russian accent]
Welcome to Club Katya.
829
00:35:43,213 --> 00:35:45,981
I am your hostess, Katya.
830
00:35:45,983 --> 00:35:46,950
Hello, Katya.
831
00:35:46,952 --> 00:35:49,751
This is my friend Rex,
and my name is Richard.
832
00:35:49,753 --> 00:35:51,653
Ah, yes.
Nice to meet ya!
833
00:35:51,655 --> 00:35:52,387
Oh.
834
00:35:52,389 --> 00:35:53,789
Mwah.
[chuckling nervously]
835
00:35:53,791 --> 00:35:54,958
Hmm.
836
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,892
Uh, I was wondering, Katya,
if you could help us out.
837
00:35:56,894 --> 00:35:58,927
I'm looking for some drag.
838
00:35:58,929 --> 00:35:59,829
Oh, perfect.
839
00:35:59,831 --> 00:36:01,097
This is Gorky Park.
840
00:36:01,099 --> 00:36:03,231
She is one of our
very best drag.
841
00:36:03,233 --> 00:36:06,702
Huge, enormous talent!
And that is no fat joke.
842
00:36:06,704 --> 00:36:10,873
♪ She's an uncover girl... ♪
843
00:36:10,875 --> 00:36:14,142
♪ Girl, girl... ♪
844
00:36:14,144 --> 00:36:18,146
♪ And she's gonna
save the world ♪
845
00:36:18,148 --> 00:36:21,851
♪ World... ♪
846
00:36:21,853 --> 00:36:23,789
♪ She's an undercover girl ♪
847
00:36:24,188 --> 00:36:26,088
I'm actually looking
for some drag, as-
848
00:36:26,090 --> 00:36:28,090
as in clothing,
for myself.
849
00:36:28,092 --> 00:36:29,057
Huh?
850
00:36:29,059 --> 00:36:31,226
It's a really long story.
851
00:36:31,228 --> 00:36:33,329
Well, long story
made bearable by vodka.
852
00:36:33,331 --> 00:36:34,333
Come this way.
853
00:36:38,036 --> 00:36:42,005
What kind of a plastic surgeon
has an office in an alley?
854
00:36:42,007 --> 00:36:44,007
This is not as comfortable
as I thought.
855
00:36:44,009 --> 00:36:46,242
Focus up.
Bianca del Rio's in there.
856
00:36:46,244 --> 00:36:47,409
I need you to go in there
857
00:36:47,411 --> 00:36:49,679
and come back out
with a full report.
858
00:36:49,681 --> 00:36:52,851
If we're lucky, police will
round up the whole fruit basket.
859
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:58,354
When I have a student,
they get class and sass.
860
00:36:58,356 --> 00:37:02,258
When Deborah has a student,
they get wrinkly old ass.
861
00:37:02,260 --> 00:37:03,693
[laughs]
862
00:37:03,695 --> 00:37:04,863
Class dismissed!
863
00:37:06,764 --> 00:37:09,067
[screaming]
Deb!
864
00:37:11,101 --> 00:37:12,200
Now go! Go!
865
00:37:12,202 --> 00:37:13,369
But, Mama...
866
00:37:13,371 --> 00:37:15,237
Oh, and watch out
for that eye hole.
867
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:17,373
They say they're not interested
in your lady business.
868
00:37:17,375 --> 00:37:19,909
With these foreign perverts,
you never know.
869
00:37:19,911 --> 00:37:20,913
Go.
870
00:37:21,813 --> 00:37:22,845
You got this.
871
00:37:22,847 --> 00:37:23,849
[door squeaks]
872
00:37:26,150 --> 00:37:27,685
[sniffs]
873
00:37:29,721 --> 00:37:31,056
[scoffs]
874
00:37:34,759 --> 00:37:36,695
♪
875
00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:42,999
So let me understand...
876
00:37:43,001 --> 00:37:46,034
You are found out to be
gay teacher and then fired.
877
00:37:46,036 --> 00:37:47,135
Uh, yeah.
878
00:37:47,137 --> 00:37:48,737
Okay, and then sent to prison?
879
00:37:48,739 --> 00:37:49,938
No, no, no.
880
00:37:49,940 --> 00:37:52,307
I actually went back to school
in drag as Bianca del Rio.
881
00:37:52,309 --> 00:37:54,142
Oh. So you are
found out in drag
882
00:37:54,144 --> 00:37:55,311
and then sent to prison?
883
00:37:55,313 --> 00:37:56,878
No, no.
I'm still teaching there.
884
00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:59,115
The person that fired me
is the one who's in jail.
885
00:37:59,117 --> 00:38:01,217
This Texas, it must
be magical place.
886
00:38:01,219 --> 00:38:02,452
What's the winter like?
887
00:38:02,454 --> 00:38:04,019
Bitter and haunting?
888
00:38:04,021 --> 00:38:06,988
Uh, no, not haunting.
It's just pretty average.
889
00:38:06,990 --> 00:38:11,429
Oh! Let us drink to Texas,
the magical kingdom of paradise.
890
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,766
You know, I never
thought about it that way,
891
00:38:17,768 --> 00:38:19,135
but Texas doesn't even
sound that bad
892
00:38:19,137 --> 00:38:20,836
compared to Russia after all.
893
00:38:20,838 --> 00:38:22,104
Ugh.
894
00:38:22,106 --> 00:38:23,340
When I think of the sad times
here in Russia, I say to myself,
895
00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:26,242
“Katya. At least you're not
living in Saudi Arabia.”
896
00:38:26,244 --> 00:38:27,844
They have
the killings, of course,
897
00:38:27,846 --> 00:38:29,211
but think of desert drag.
898
00:38:29,213 --> 00:38:30,479
Sand up your tuck?
899
00:38:30,481 --> 00:38:31,947
It's disgusting.
900
00:38:31,949 --> 00:38:33,349
Well, look at the bright side.
901
00:38:33,351 --> 00:38:35,016
You could probably make a pearl.
902
00:38:35,018 --> 00:38:36,385
I could have pearl necklace?
903
00:38:36,387 --> 00:38:37,820
[chuckles]
904
00:38:37,822 --> 00:38:40,155
You know, I'm-I'm-
I'm just curious.
905
00:38:40,157 --> 00:38:41,891
It's like, why are
all these posters up
906
00:38:41,893 --> 00:38:43,825
of this Svetlana bitch?
907
00:38:43,827 --> 00:38:45,927
Uck! The queens here
are obsessed with her.
908
00:38:45,929 --> 00:38:48,197
But isn't she the one
who hates all the gays?
909
00:38:48,199 --> 00:38:49,499
Yes, but not always so.
910
00:38:49,501 --> 00:38:52,802
She was at one time Moscow's
biggest, how you say like, um,
911
00:38:52,804 --> 00:38:54,103
stick witch.
912
00:38:54,105 --> 00:38:55,371
- Fag hag?
- Da!
913
00:38:55,373 --> 00:38:56,805
It was the classic tale.
914
00:38:56,807 --> 00:38:57,940
Woman love gays.
915
00:38:57,942 --> 00:38:59,008
Gays love woman.
916
00:38:59,010 --> 00:39:00,309
Woman turns her hair red.
917
00:39:00,311 --> 00:39:01,911
Gays talk shit at brunch.
918
00:39:01,913 --> 00:39:04,246
Woman becomes Minister
of Homosexual Propaganda,
919
00:39:04,248 --> 00:39:07,182
sends all her gay friends
to the Siberian work camp.
920
00:39:07,184 --> 00:39:09,217
Woo! That must have
been some brunch.
921
00:39:09,219 --> 00:39:10,920
No, it was an awful brunch.
922
00:39:10,922 --> 00:39:12,521
One egg and piece of toast
for a party of twelve.
923
00:39:12,523 --> 00:39:14,792
There is nothing worse
than a hungry queen.
924
00:39:15,860 --> 00:39:17,126
Gorky Park was one of them.
925
00:39:17,128 --> 00:39:18,961
She was the only survivor.
926
00:39:18,963 --> 00:39:20,896
What happened to everyone else?
927
00:39:20,898 --> 00:39:21,963
She ate them.
928
00:39:21,965 --> 00:39:22,965
Look at that fat fucking bitch.
929
00:39:22,967 --> 00:39:25,034
How else would you
survive winter in Siberia?
930
00:39:25,036 --> 00:39:27,804
Anyways, I'm sorry
I become emotional.
931
00:39:27,806 --> 00:39:29,204
[sighs]
Let me ask you.
932
00:39:29,206 --> 00:39:31,941
Who is this weird guy
you are hanging out with?
933
00:39:31,943 --> 00:39:33,208
He is boyfriend?
934
00:39:33,210 --> 00:39:34,242
Boyfriend?
935
00:39:34,244 --> 00:39:35,378
Oh, with Rex?
936
00:39:35,380 --> 00:39:37,146
Oh, God,
that's not my boyfriend.
937
00:39:37,148 --> 00:39:38,347
He's somewhere around here.
938
00:39:38,349 --> 00:39:40,048
He was whistling
at some guy earlier.
939
00:39:40,050 --> 00:39:41,818
Oh, that's him right
there by the bathroom.
940
00:39:41,820 --> 00:39:44,519
I don't suck dick,
but I'll put it in my mouth
941
00:39:44,521 --> 00:39:46,555
till the swelling goes down.
942
00:39:46,557 --> 00:39:48,326
[giggles, then sighs]
943
00:39:48,927 --> 00:39:50,258
I arrest you.
944
00:39:50,260 --> 00:39:52,063
Oh yes, daddy!
945
00:39:52,597 --> 00:39:53,896
Oh!...
946
00:39:53,898 --> 00:39:56,132
Oh, wait.
You're serious.
947
00:39:56,134 --> 00:39:57,400
You, too, tranny.
948
00:39:57,402 --> 00:39:59,501
[squeals]
Get your hands off of me.
949
00:39:59,503 --> 00:40:01,539
Oh, no!
Secret police!
950
00:40:02,172 --> 00:40:03,338
I'm not one of them!
951
00:40:03,340 --> 00:40:04,342
Hold that thought.
952
00:40:06,244 --> 00:40:07,242
[siren blaring]
953
00:40:07,244 --> 00:40:09,211
Oh, no!
The paddy wagon!
954
00:40:09,213 --> 00:40:10,815
[screams]
955
00:40:11,048 --> 00:40:12,148
[inaudible chatter]
956
00:40:12,150 --> 00:40:13,050
Nyet!
957
00:40:16,119 --> 00:40:17,286
[bike bell rings]
Weeee!
958
00:40:17,288 --> 00:40:19,224
Wait! Wait!
959
00:40:20,358 --> 00:40:21,527
You!
960
00:40:22,092 --> 00:40:23,161
[gasps]
961
00:40:31,168 --> 00:40:32,837
[crowd yelling, screaming]
962
00:40:42,547 --> 00:40:44,280
This whole trip -
963
00:40:44,282 --> 00:40:46,382
I should have known
you were behind it!
964
00:40:46,384 --> 00:40:48,119
Eat trash, sissy pants!
965
00:40:49,019 --> 00:40:50,389
Aw, fuck!
966
00:40:58,161 --> 00:40:59,263
Ahhh! Hey!
967
00:41:02,233 --> 00:41:03,335
[cackles]
968
00:41:04,469 --> 00:41:06,038
[both yelling]
969
00:41:18,983 --> 00:41:20,318
Son of a bitch!
970
00:41:28,159 --> 00:41:29,327
Mama!
971
00:41:30,094 --> 00:41:31,163
[laughing victoriously]
972
00:41:32,030 --> 00:41:33,131
Mama!
973
00:41:50,481 --> 00:41:52,280
[breathing heavily]
So-so what'd you do
974
00:41:52,282 --> 00:41:54,282
to get out of jail, Deborah?
975
00:41:54,284 --> 00:41:56,284
Did ya have sex with the warden?
976
00:41:56,286 --> 00:41:57,954
I know that he's your uncle.
977
00:41:57,956 --> 00:42:00,456
Oh, save your insults,
Bianca del Richard,
978
00:42:00,458 --> 00:42:02,557
‘cause now I'm the one
holdin' the cat
979
00:42:02,559 --> 00:42:04,929
and you're the one
fuckin' his legs.
980
00:42:05,563 --> 00:42:06,662
Wait. Hold on.
981
00:42:06,664 --> 00:42:08,463
How tight
are your Spanx, Deborah?
982
00:42:08,465 --> 00:42:10,599
Is it cuttin' off the
circulation to your brain?
983
00:42:10,601 --> 00:42:12,467
I mean,
what have you done here?
984
00:42:12,469 --> 00:42:13,469
Revenge!
985
00:42:13,471 --> 00:42:16,706
I finally got revenge
on Miss Bianca del Rio!
986
00:42:16,708 --> 00:42:18,474
Really queen, revenge?
987
00:42:18,476 --> 00:42:19,541
I'm the one standing here
988
00:42:19,543 --> 00:42:21,577
and your daughter's being
hauled away to jail.
989
00:42:21,579 --> 00:42:24,079
Yeah, technically that wasn't
part of the plan.
990
00:42:24,081 --> 00:42:25,715
Yeah, and...
now we've lost them.
991
00:42:25,717 --> 00:42:28,450
Well, I got you!
992
00:42:28,452 --> 00:42:29,985
Wait, hold up.
993
00:42:29,987 --> 00:42:31,987
I don't know the way
back to the hotel.
994
00:42:31,989 --> 00:42:33,255
Wait for me.
995
00:42:33,257 --> 00:42:34,492
[laughs]
996
00:42:38,362 --> 00:42:40,665
[chattering back and forth]
997
00:42:58,048 --> 00:43:00,583
Do you have any idea
how dangerous Russia is?
998
00:43:00,585 --> 00:43:02,650
We should not have
come here in the first place.
999
00:43:02,652 --> 00:43:05,054
No! You never
shoulda come to Texas.
1000
00:43:05,056 --> 00:43:06,755
You brought this on
yourself, gay boy.
1001
00:43:06,757 --> 00:43:08,523
All I wanted to do was teach.
1002
00:43:08,525 --> 00:43:10,159
You were the one
who shoulda been
1003
00:43:10,161 --> 00:43:11,159
minding your own
fucking business.
1004
00:43:11,161 --> 00:43:13,095
You queers shouldn't
be around children.
1005
00:43:13,097 --> 00:43:14,396
Funny coming from you.
1006
00:43:14,398 --> 00:43:16,197
Aren't you the one who
got caught having sex
1007
00:43:16,199 --> 00:43:18,434
with a high school student,
Miss First?!
1008
00:43:18,436 --> 00:43:21,070
He looked legal -
from the waist down.
1009
00:43:21,072 --> 00:43:22,271
You're just jealous.
1010
00:43:22,273 --> 00:43:25,106
The only person endangering
a child around here is you.
1011
00:43:25,108 --> 00:43:27,242
Where's your daughter Carly?
In jail?
1012
00:43:27,244 --> 00:43:29,110
She knew there
might be sacrifices.
1013
00:43:29,112 --> 00:43:30,646
Besides, it was worth it
1014
00:43:30,648 --> 00:43:32,815
seein' that hooker friend
of yours locked up.
1015
00:43:32,817 --> 00:43:34,583
She prefers whore.
1016
00:43:34,585 --> 00:43:36,786
Oh yeah?
Well, you're next, flame sauce.
1017
00:43:36,788 --> 00:43:38,456
You better watch yourself.
1018
00:43:39,724 --> 00:43:41,123
Where are you going?
1019
00:43:41,125 --> 00:43:43,592
Oh, I got the room next door.
1020
00:43:43,594 --> 00:43:45,496
Got a special rate.
1021
00:43:47,565 --> 00:43:48,633
[scoffs]
1022
00:43:53,771 --> 00:43:56,307
[phone buzzing]
1023
00:43:56,740 --> 00:43:58,309
This bitch.
1024
00:44:00,110 --> 00:44:01,510
Perfect timing.
1025
00:44:01,512 --> 00:44:03,211
Sorry to interrupt nothing.
1026
00:44:03,213 --> 00:44:04,713
Rex wasn't answering his phone.
1027
00:44:04,715 --> 00:44:05,847
Where is he?
1028
00:44:05,849 --> 00:44:07,450
Another Netflix and chill?
1029
00:44:07,452 --> 00:44:08,550
Hulu and hump?
1030
00:44:08,552 --> 00:44:09,684
Amazon and anal?
1031
00:44:09,686 --> 00:44:12,153
We're in Russia.
Rex is in a Gulag.
1032
00:44:12,155 --> 00:44:14,123
Come on, girl.
Who's Gulag?
1033
00:44:14,125 --> 00:44:15,791
It's a Russian prison.
1034
00:44:15,793 --> 00:44:17,827
They've taken Rex,
they've taken my Bianca drag,
1035
00:44:17,829 --> 00:44:20,829
and I'm in some
hideous hotel with Deborah.
1036
00:44:20,831 --> 00:44:22,764
She set me up, again.
1037
00:44:22,766 --> 00:44:25,101
Well, I guess now is
not the best time to tell you
1038
00:44:25,103 --> 00:44:27,635
that I'm not really
on a cruise ship, girl.
1039
00:44:27,637 --> 00:44:30,305
I'm a contestant on
“RuPaul's Drag Race.”
1040
00:44:30,307 --> 00:44:31,307
[giggles]
1041
00:44:31,309 --> 00:44:32,374
Well, if you're calling already
1042
00:44:32,376 --> 00:44:34,577
I guess we're both
not getting $100,000.
1043
00:44:34,579 --> 00:44:36,711
Sister, how dare you say that!
1044
00:44:36,713 --> 00:44:38,646
Do you know what I've been
goin' through over here, girl?
1045
00:44:38,648 --> 00:44:40,115
Save it,
Martin Luther Queen.
1046
00:44:40,117 --> 00:44:41,550
I'm in a jam here.
1047
00:44:41,552 --> 00:44:43,452
I've got to find a way
to get Rex out of prison
1048
00:44:43,454 --> 00:44:45,153
and get us back to America.
1049
00:44:45,155 --> 00:44:47,289
And drag alone
ain't gonna fix it.
1050
00:44:47,291 --> 00:44:49,891
Bianca del Rio solved
your Deborah problem before.
1051
00:44:49,893 --> 00:44:51,459
Now I know she can do it again.
1052
00:44:51,461 --> 00:44:53,896
Listen, if drag can fix
a face like yours...
1053
00:44:53,898 --> 00:44:56,101
Uh, I'm hanging up now.
1054
00:44:59,302 --> 00:45:01,403
- Nice try, Bitch.
- Thanks, girl.
1055
00:45:01,405 --> 00:45:03,639
Did you see it, girl?
They pulled a pag. Woo!
1056
00:45:03,641 --> 00:45:05,510
It's all right.
There's always All Stars.
1057
00:45:09,614 --> 00:45:10,746
Bitch!
1058
00:45:10,748 --> 00:45:13,249
You know you're not
supposed to be on your phone.
1059
00:45:13,251 --> 00:45:15,751
Listen, I need your help
pullin' together some new looks.
1060
00:45:15,753 --> 00:45:17,253
It's an emergency.
1061
00:45:17,255 --> 00:45:19,822
That's what I told you
on the runway, fag.
1062
00:45:19,824 --> 00:45:21,023
Now get!
1063
00:45:21,025 --> 00:45:24,325
Bunny, reach up into that
Moroccan bizarre up on your head
1064
00:45:24,327 --> 00:45:27,362
and pull me out a #12
brunette wig now.
1065
00:45:27,364 --> 00:45:29,197
Does anyone else around here
1066
00:45:29,199 --> 00:45:32,568
hear an irritating screeching
voice that just won't quit!
1067
00:45:32,570 --> 00:45:34,405
La-la-la-la-la-la!
1068
00:45:34,938 --> 00:45:36,938
We have to help Bianca del Rio.
1069
00:45:36,940 --> 00:45:39,708
Oh, the one whose face
looks like a smashed-in piñata?
1070
00:45:39,710 --> 00:45:41,443
I cannot believe you
would say something like...
1071
00:45:41,445 --> 00:45:42,510
- But!
- Yes, ma'am.
1072
00:45:42,512 --> 00:45:44,746
Anything to shut you up.
1073
00:45:44,748 --> 00:45:46,815
Just reach into the left,
1074
00:45:46,817 --> 00:45:49,684
passed the gerbil cage,
which is open.
1075
00:45:49,686 --> 00:45:52,423
Oh! I think I found
Natalee Holloway.
1076
00:45:54,525 --> 00:45:56,427
♪
1077
00:45:59,797 --> 00:46:02,367
I know that you're following me.
1078
00:46:03,568 --> 00:46:06,138
[with Russian accent]
Is not me. Is bowl of borscht!
1079
00:46:12,610 --> 00:46:13,775
Fresh meat.
1080
00:46:13,777 --> 00:46:16,280
More like day-old bread back.
1081
00:46:23,286 --> 00:46:26,354
Someone smells fishy...
Too fishy.
1082
00:46:26,356 --> 00:46:27,923
They think I'm one of you.
1083
00:46:27,925 --> 00:46:31,860
If by one of you, you mean
a blond slut, then yes.
1084
00:46:31,862 --> 00:46:33,095
Yes, ya are.
1085
00:46:33,097 --> 00:46:36,599
The guard called me a tranny.
He said I had a meaty tuck.
1086
00:46:36,601 --> 00:46:39,601
I know you. You're the girl
from Richard's school.
1087
00:46:39,603 --> 00:46:41,970
Your mother's insane and
a snake bit your boobs off.
1088
00:46:41,972 --> 00:46:43,671
Did we meet back in Texas?
1089
00:46:43,673 --> 00:46:45,273
Oh, no. Stephen made
a picture book
1090
00:46:45,275 --> 00:46:46,874
for me to read on the way
so I would know
1091
00:46:46,876 --> 00:46:48,010
who all the players are,
1092
00:46:48,012 --> 00:46:50,311
and he did not
do you justice, girl.
1093
00:46:50,313 --> 00:46:53,282
[giggles] What are they
gonna do to us in here?
1094
00:46:53,284 --> 00:46:55,550
Keep us here forever,
if they want.
1095
00:46:55,552 --> 00:46:56,784
That's not fair.
1096
00:46:56,786 --> 00:46:58,086
Welcome to my world,
1097
00:46:58,088 --> 00:47:01,356
which now that they think you're
one of us is your world, too.
1098
00:47:01,358 --> 00:47:02,858
That's how it is.
1099
00:47:02,860 --> 00:47:05,793
Fire us, imprison us,
don't text us back -
1100
00:47:05,795 --> 00:47:07,463
whatever they want.
1101
00:47:07,465 --> 00:47:09,530
I'm sorry. I didn't know
it would be like this.
1102
00:47:09,532 --> 00:47:10,532
Oh, you're from Texas.
1103
00:47:10,534 --> 00:47:12,470
I'm sure there's a lot
you don't know.
1104
00:47:15,806 --> 00:47:17,438
I'm Vickie Leaks.
1105
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:18,941
I run this joint.
1106
00:47:18,943 --> 00:47:22,278
What are you in for, fish stick?
That dress?
1107
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:25,380
No, for cutting hog-bodied
queens who wear Jaclyn Smith
1108
00:47:25,382 --> 00:47:27,483
and try to start
what they can't finish.
1109
00:47:27,485 --> 00:47:31,487
Honey, Rampage is a brand,
not a way of life.
1110
00:47:31,489 --> 00:47:35,523
Don't take it out on me because
you aged out of Wet Seal.
1111
00:47:35,525 --> 00:47:38,559
I've got a knife up in my wig.
Let's dance, bitch.
1112
00:47:38,561 --> 00:47:40,795
Simmer down, Hot Topic!
1113
00:47:40,797 --> 00:47:42,600
I'm just taking
your temperature.
1114
00:47:46,503 --> 00:47:47,672
Thanks for that.
1115
00:47:48,438 --> 00:47:51,340
Do you really have
a knife in your wig?
1116
00:47:51,342 --> 00:47:53,309
An emery board and lipstick.
1117
00:47:53,311 --> 00:47:54,642
[chuckles]
1118
00:47:54,644 --> 00:47:56,644
I'm Carly, by the way.
1119
00:47:56,646 --> 00:47:58,746
I'm Rex...
And don't worry about her.
1120
00:47:58,748 --> 00:48:00,081
She's just testing you.
1121
00:48:00,083 --> 00:48:02,483
The first night it's all about
trying to see how tough you are.
1122
00:48:02,485 --> 00:48:05,653
Anyone tries to mess with you,
you just mess right back.
1123
00:48:05,655 --> 00:48:08,691
Hopefully, my mom will be
here soon to get me out.
1124
00:48:08,693 --> 00:48:10,825
The same mother
who tried to use you
1125
00:48:10,827 --> 00:48:12,927
to exact her revenge
on someone else?
1126
00:48:12,929 --> 00:48:15,463
You're not her accomplice;
you're her victim.
1127
00:48:15,465 --> 00:48:16,731
You think so?
1128
00:48:16,733 --> 00:48:18,666
I can speak for many a queen
when I say
1129
00:48:18,668 --> 00:48:20,501
you cannot let a bad mother
1130
00:48:20,503 --> 00:48:22,938
keep in the way
of you being fabulous.
1131
00:48:22,940 --> 00:48:25,974
You've got a cute face
and legs, legs, legs.
1132
00:48:25,976 --> 00:48:27,008
[giggles]
1133
00:48:27,010 --> 00:48:30,012
I've spent my whole life
hatin' homosexuals,
1134
00:48:30,014 --> 00:48:31,914
but you're really nice.
1135
00:48:31,916 --> 00:48:33,148
Oh, no, girlie.
I'm mean as hell.
1136
00:48:33,150 --> 00:48:35,717
You're just seeing me as a
real person for the first time.
1137
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:37,721
That's all we are.
We're all just people.
1138
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,396
Except that bitch.
I don't know what she is.
1139
00:48:53,536 --> 00:48:55,673
You wanna play Go Fishy?
1140
00:48:57,440 --> 00:49:00,008
Did you smuggle that
deck of cards in your wig, too?
1141
00:49:00,010 --> 00:49:02,978
The cavity search
wasn't very thorough...
1142
00:49:02,980 --> 00:49:04,815
Unfortunately.
1143
00:49:09,119 --> 00:49:10,855
[crashing sound]
1144
00:49:11,155 --> 00:49:12,854
I'm no Jessica Fletcher,
1145
00:49:12,856 --> 00:49:15,057
but I know
when I'm being followed!
1146
00:49:15,059 --> 00:49:17,159
Come on out, Deborah.
1147
00:49:17,161 --> 00:49:18,894
How'd you know it was me?
1148
00:49:18,896 --> 00:49:20,028
I have eyes.
1149
00:49:20,030 --> 00:49:21,496
Yeah, four eyes!
1150
00:49:21,498 --> 00:49:23,033
[both laughing facetiously]
1151
00:49:23,733 --> 00:49:26,135
Look, Deborah,
I'm gonna temporarily ignore
1152
00:49:26,137 --> 00:49:28,436
your psychotic blend
of down-home homophobia
1153
00:49:28,438 --> 00:49:29,771
and lack of southern charm.
1154
00:49:29,773 --> 00:49:31,072
Considering we both have
1155
00:49:31,074 --> 00:49:32,874
two people that
we care about in prison,
1156
00:49:32,876 --> 00:49:35,878
I think it's best that we work
together to get them out.
1157
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:37,146
You would do that?
1158
00:49:37,148 --> 00:49:39,548
Yes, I would do that.
And I hate you.
1159
00:49:39,550 --> 00:49:41,450
I'm sorry.
Hate is a strong word.
1160
00:49:41,452 --> 00:49:44,485
What I meant to say
was I really hate you.
1161
00:49:44,487 --> 00:49:45,720
You don't get to hate me!
1162
00:49:45,722 --> 00:49:48,023
I get to hate you.
I'm a good person.
1163
00:49:48,025 --> 00:49:50,458
I follow the teachin's
of the Bible!
1164
00:49:50,460 --> 00:49:54,463
Shh!!! Shut up!
They'll hear you.
1165
00:49:54,465 --> 00:49:56,130
What? Are the police
still around?
1166
00:49:56,132 --> 00:49:57,132
No, the rats.
1167
00:49:57,134 --> 00:49:59,168
Their screech is like
a God damn mating call.
1168
00:49:59,170 --> 00:50:00,538
Come. Let's go inside.
1169
00:50:04,775 --> 00:50:06,575
I really wish I had on
a horrible dress
1170
00:50:06,577 --> 00:50:08,709
so I could talk to you
hag to hag.
1171
00:50:08,711 --> 00:50:10,612
I'd call you a
“see you next Tuesday,”
1172
00:50:10,614 --> 00:50:13,048
but that would imply I ever
want to see you again.
1173
00:50:13,050 --> 00:50:14,115
Just say cunt, Deborah.
1174
00:50:14,117 --> 00:50:16,617
We're in Russia.
Nobody knows what it means.
1175
00:50:16,619 --> 00:50:17,952
No, we have cunt here.
1176
00:50:17,954 --> 00:50:19,822
Is woman.
Woman like her, small.
1177
00:50:19,824 --> 00:50:21,826
Not big in hips,
but huge vagina.
1178
00:50:22,860 --> 00:50:25,994
Katya, this is Deborah,
the one I was telling you about.
1179
00:50:25,996 --> 00:50:28,664
The wicked witch
of the Western Hemisphere!
1180
00:50:28,666 --> 00:50:29,632
Oh, fuck you!
1181
00:50:29,634 --> 00:50:33,534
I am a good Christian,
just like my president.
1182
00:50:33,536 --> 00:50:35,804
And I came to this
Godless nation of yours -
1183
00:50:35,806 --> 00:50:37,104
it smells like a burnt cat -
1184
00:50:37,106 --> 00:50:38,941
to try to seek justice!
1185
00:50:38,943 --> 00:50:41,776
Nyet. You are obviously selfish,
vindictive cunt, but no matter.
1186
00:50:41,778 --> 00:50:43,545
Look at this place.
It's destroyed!
1187
00:50:43,547 --> 00:50:44,813
They took everything, everyone.
1188
00:50:44,815 --> 00:50:49,184
I barely escaped with my life
and just a little bit of money.
1189
00:50:49,186 --> 00:50:50,052
You know what!
1190
00:50:50,054 --> 00:50:52,019
Rex never turns off
his hookup apps.
1191
00:50:52,021 --> 00:50:54,655
He will no doubt be held
under Kremlin in secret prison
1192
00:50:54,657 --> 00:50:56,992
operated by the fabulous
Miss Svetlana Zlopasnost.
1193
00:50:56,994 --> 00:50:58,594
You think you could
get us inside?
1194
00:50:58,596 --> 00:51:00,628
Maybe hack into the mainframe?
1195
00:51:00,630 --> 00:51:02,798
I wish, but I've maxed out
on sexual favors
1196
00:51:02,800 --> 00:51:04,833
already this fiscal quarter.
Not work.
1197
00:51:04,835 --> 00:51:05,900
Then what are we gonna do?
1198
00:51:05,902 --> 00:51:08,704
There is a secret program
where local prostitutes
1199
00:51:08,706 --> 00:51:10,505
try to convert queers
into straight,
1200
00:51:10,507 --> 00:51:13,041
but even as Russian whores,
you two would be a stretch. No.
1201
00:51:13,043 --> 00:51:15,510
Well, maybe you can
get us some disguises.
1202
00:51:15,512 --> 00:51:17,545
We have to find our way inside.
1203
00:51:17,547 --> 00:51:19,581
We could make visit
as relatives.
1204
00:51:19,583 --> 00:51:21,083
Simple quick
“hello” and “goodbye.”
1205
00:51:21,085 --> 00:51:22,851
It might work,
but we have to go now.
1206
00:51:22,853 --> 00:51:25,253
Gorky Park is there.
It is way past her feeding time.
1207
00:51:25,255 --> 00:51:26,458
Let's hurry!
1208
00:51:27,992 --> 00:51:29,461
Come on, Debbie!
1209
00:51:35,132 --> 00:51:37,202
Make fast.
Secret police everywhere.
1210
00:51:38,568 --> 00:51:40,137
No one's gonna believe
these disguises.
1211
00:51:41,105 --> 00:51:42,840
I've never felt so pretty.
1212
00:51:44,875 --> 00:51:47,543
Eh... All Russian women
look like man.
1213
00:51:47,545 --> 00:51:48,776
Who can tell difference?
1214
00:51:48,778 --> 00:51:51,713
Now, we're just
relatives visiting, sisters.
1215
00:51:51,715 --> 00:51:53,651
Now go to door on right.
They let you in.
1216
00:51:54,117 --> 00:51:56,584
Wait, wait, wait.
You're not coming with us?
1217
00:51:56,586 --> 00:51:58,753
No. Is too dangerous for Katya.
1218
00:51:58,755 --> 00:52:01,789
If I don't get to see you,
it was nice to meet you...
1219
00:52:01,791 --> 00:52:02,858
and good luck...
1220
00:52:02,860 --> 00:52:04,559
You'll need it.
Bye.
1221
00:52:04,561 --> 00:52:05,963
Wait, I...
1222
00:52:06,163 --> 00:52:06,963
Come on.
1223
00:52:10,099 --> 00:52:11,566
When we get inside,
I'm gonna get
1224
00:52:11,568 --> 00:52:13,568
all the information
from Carly that I can.
1225
00:52:13,570 --> 00:52:14,903
Yeah, funny coming from you.
1226
00:52:14,905 --> 00:52:16,338
You don't even know
the difference between
1227
00:52:16,340 --> 00:52:18,206
french bread and a french braid!
1228
00:52:18,208 --> 00:52:19,675
I'll take care of it.
1229
00:52:19,677 --> 00:52:21,809
You!
You fell for this entire scam.
1230
00:52:21,811 --> 00:52:23,177
You thought you
were gettin' prize money
1231
00:52:23,179 --> 00:52:25,246
for a science fair
in Russia. [chuckles]
1232
00:52:25,248 --> 00:52:27,682
I mean suck it, fag lady!
I won!
1233
00:52:27,684 --> 00:52:30,251
Can you please keep it down?!
Here come those horny rats!
1234
00:52:30,253 --> 00:52:31,522
Go, go!
1235
00:52:39,829 --> 00:52:41,329
♪
1236
00:52:41,331 --> 00:52:46,136
Category is...
prison drag realness.
1237
00:52:59,882 --> 00:53:01,650
This look doesn't
“Jail House Rock”
1238
00:53:01,652 --> 00:53:04,086
so much as give me
“Folsom Prison Blues.”
1239
00:53:04,088 --> 00:53:06,722
Oh, it's not that bad.
Maybe a little tight.
1240
00:53:06,724 --> 00:53:07,856
Tight?
1241
00:53:07,858 --> 00:53:11,228
She should get ten to life
for murdering those seams.
1242
00:53:12,161 --> 00:53:14,061
(Russian guard)
Okay, playtime is over.
1243
00:53:14,063 --> 00:53:15,332
Back inside.
1244
00:53:17,735 --> 00:53:18,900
You have visitor.
1245
00:53:18,902 --> 00:53:20,369
You, too, tranny.
1246
00:53:20,371 --> 00:53:22,170
I'm obviously in
the middle of something.
1247
00:53:22,172 --> 00:53:23,304
Who is it?
1248
00:53:23,306 --> 00:53:25,240
It's mean woman with fat ass.
1249
00:53:25,242 --> 00:53:26,778
Oh, that's Bianca.
1250
00:53:33,117 --> 00:53:34,349
I don't know her.
1251
00:53:34,351 --> 00:53:35,920
I can see you.
1252
00:53:39,188 --> 00:53:40,222
(Guard) Nyet!
1253
00:53:40,224 --> 00:53:41,322
No touch!
1254
00:53:41,324 --> 00:53:42,324
I wouldn't touch her.
1255
00:53:42,326 --> 00:53:44,860
She's like a vending machine
full of STDs.
1256
00:53:44,862 --> 00:53:46,095
How did you get in here?
1257
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:48,996
Well, obviously, I told them
I was your much younger sister.
1258
00:53:48,998 --> 00:53:51,400
They're stupid, not blind.
1259
00:53:51,402 --> 00:53:53,834
Anyway, where is your
whole Bianca del Rio?
1260
00:53:53,836 --> 00:53:56,371
This is not
what I was expecting.
1261
00:53:56,373 --> 00:53:57,773
Don't you remember?
1262
00:53:57,775 --> 00:53:59,775
They took Bianca.
She is gone.
1263
00:53:59,777 --> 00:54:02,778
Everything you need
is in the suitcase.
1264
00:54:02,780 --> 00:54:04,211
You worry too much.
1265
00:54:04,213 --> 00:54:06,748
This place is much nicer
than our hotel, by the way.
1266
00:54:06,750 --> 00:54:08,316
At least here has room service.
1267
00:54:08,318 --> 00:54:10,818
And what are you gonna do
if they send you to Siberia
1268
00:54:10,820 --> 00:54:13,156
and make you eat
someone to stay alive?
1269
00:54:13,856 --> 00:54:15,257
Is he hot?
1270
00:54:15,259 --> 00:54:16,293
Focus!
1271
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,193
How you holdin' up, Carly?
1272
00:54:18,195 --> 00:54:19,860
Well, I'd be a lot better
if I wasn't
1273
00:54:19,862 --> 00:54:21,862
stuck in a Russian prison,
thanks to you.
1274
00:54:21,864 --> 00:54:24,032
We've got to beat those queers!
1275
00:54:24,034 --> 00:54:25,967
You know how important it is.
1276
00:54:25,969 --> 00:54:27,735
All you think about is Bianca.
1277
00:54:27,737 --> 00:54:29,170
You don't even care
what happens to me.
1278
00:54:29,172 --> 00:54:31,840
Maybe those homos
aren't so bad, Mama.
1279
00:54:31,842 --> 00:54:34,075
I mean when Jacklyn Smith
tried to stab me,
1280
00:54:34,077 --> 00:54:36,077
Rex is the one
that protected me -
1281
00:54:36,079 --> 00:54:37,945
a lot more than you ever did.
1282
00:54:37,947 --> 00:54:39,116
That fruit fly?
1283
00:54:40,117 --> 00:54:41,916
Yeah. I think
you're wrong about them.
1284
00:54:41,918 --> 00:54:43,784
Nah. You don't mean that.
1285
00:54:43,786 --> 00:54:45,420
It's got to be
the Old Spice talkin'.
1286
00:54:45,422 --> 00:54:47,121
Listen. I don't
want you to worry,
1287
00:54:47,123 --> 00:54:48,456
but we are trying
to work on a plan
1288
00:54:48,458 --> 00:54:49,858
to get you out of here.
1289
00:54:49,860 --> 00:54:51,025
I'm not worried.
1290
00:54:51,027 --> 00:54:53,195
I've made this prison my bitch.
1291
00:54:53,197 --> 00:54:55,197
All the queens
work for me now,
1292
00:54:55,199 --> 00:54:57,798
and that hot guard
feeds me three times a day.
1293
00:54:57,800 --> 00:54:59,367
He brings you food?
1294
00:54:59,369 --> 00:55:01,036
Not exactly.
1295
00:55:01,038 --> 00:55:03,804
Now, Bianca and I are gonna get
you both out of here together,
1296
00:55:03,806 --> 00:55:05,974
but I got a plan of my own.
1297
00:55:05,976 --> 00:55:07,508
Another plan, Mama?
1298
00:55:07,510 --> 00:55:09,411
Yeah. Bianca thinks
I'm gonna help her,
1299
00:55:09,413 --> 00:55:10,479
but once you're free,
1300
00:55:10,481 --> 00:55:13,315
I'm gonna expose her
for what she is, and bam!
1301
00:55:13,317 --> 00:55:14,349
She's gone!
1302
00:55:14,351 --> 00:55:16,784
You would do that
after she helps get me out?
1303
00:55:16,786 --> 00:55:18,353
It's what we came here for.
1304
00:55:18,355 --> 00:55:21,990
I'm not leaving Russia till
Bianca's locked up forever.
1305
00:55:21,992 --> 00:55:23,191
[chuckles]
1306
00:55:23,193 --> 00:55:25,860
Listen. There's got to be
another way to get in here.
1307
00:55:25,862 --> 00:55:28,162
Do you think I could pass
as one of those guards?
1308
00:55:28,164 --> 00:55:30,231
Hmm...
Origami is straighter than you.
1309
00:55:30,233 --> 00:55:31,867
The only other option
is actually
1310
00:55:31,869 --> 00:55:33,934
better suited for you
than it is for me.
1311
00:55:33,936 --> 00:55:36,170
Oh, you mean the hookers!
1312
00:55:36,172 --> 00:55:39,340
Yeah. We have straight
conversion therapy tomorrow.
1313
00:55:39,342 --> 00:55:42,846
I'm gonna have sex with a
gross Russian skank for science.
1314
00:55:44,081 --> 00:55:46,914
I can't wait
to spank that bitch. [giggles]
1315
00:55:46,916 --> 00:55:48,316
(Guard) No touch!
1316
00:55:48,318 --> 00:55:50,318
That's not what
you said last night.
1317
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,318
Time is up.
1318
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:54,125
- Bye, Sis.
- Bye.
1319
00:55:59,496 --> 00:56:02,363
These disguises barely got us
to the door as family.
1320
00:56:02,365 --> 00:56:04,099
No one's ever gonna believe
that we're hookers,
1321
00:56:04,101 --> 00:56:05,566
not even here in Russia.
1322
00:56:05,568 --> 00:56:07,235
We can't just
leave Carly in there.
1323
00:56:07,237 --> 00:56:09,003
Prison's doin'
terrible things to her.
1324
00:56:09,005 --> 00:56:10,572
She's not strong like I am.
1325
00:56:10,574 --> 00:56:13,074
I know. You can pull a cart.
[laughs]
1326
00:56:13,076 --> 00:56:14,909
Okay. Insult me all you want,
1327
00:56:14,911 --> 00:56:16,378
but I got to get
my daughter back.
1328
00:56:16,380 --> 00:56:18,246
Okay, fine.
I will work out a plan
1329
00:56:18,248 --> 00:56:21,316
to get Rex and your atrocious
offspring out of prison.
1330
00:56:21,318 --> 00:56:22,950
If you had
that wig on right now,
1331
00:56:22,952 --> 00:56:24,385
I'd snatch it
right off your head.
1332
00:56:24,387 --> 00:56:25,987
Yeah, that's the
difference between us.
1333
00:56:25,989 --> 00:56:27,988
I'd just snatch out your
own hair from the root.
1334
00:56:27,990 --> 00:56:29,193
[chuckles]
1335
00:56:30,393 --> 00:56:32,362
- Ya hungry?
- I could eat.
1336
00:56:34,364 --> 00:56:38,001
♪
1337
00:56:45,409 --> 00:56:46,510
Nothing.
1338
00:56:50,047 --> 00:56:53,882
That glue-sniffin' dummy
is gonna end up in Siberia...
1339
00:56:53,884 --> 00:56:55,519
If Gorky doesn't eat him first.
1340
00:56:56,853 --> 00:56:59,089
Well, at last he's gettin' laid.
1341
00:57:14,237 --> 00:57:17,371
Oh, look.
It's me in a faggy tie.
1342
00:57:17,373 --> 00:57:19,974
Bianca del Rio,
what are you doing here?
1343
00:57:19,976 --> 00:57:22,344
This is your
'come to Jesus' moment, Richard,
1344
00:57:22,346 --> 00:57:25,146
but Jesus was busy,
so you got me.
1345
00:57:25,148 --> 00:57:27,081
But how am I gonna
get Rex out of prison?
1346
00:57:27,083 --> 00:57:29,251
Rex can take care of himself.
1347
00:57:29,253 --> 00:57:30,952
You baby him too much.
1348
00:57:30,954 --> 00:57:32,586
He is literally an adult baby.
1349
00:57:32,588 --> 00:57:35,590
Anything he can grab, he sticks
up his nose or in his mouth.
1350
00:57:35,592 --> 00:57:36,825
Or ass.
1351
00:57:36,827 --> 00:57:39,327
Rex is a lot like wig glue,
more versatile than you think.
1352
00:57:39,329 --> 00:57:42,597
It has a lot of uses
if you put your mind to it.
1353
00:57:42,599 --> 00:57:45,166
But how am I gonna
get him out of that prison?
1354
00:57:45,168 --> 00:57:46,434
Find me.
1355
00:57:46,436 --> 00:57:49,970
Your way in is your way out.
1356
00:57:49,972 --> 00:57:53,340
Eating Chinese food
late at night is a big mistake.
1357
00:57:53,342 --> 00:57:55,476
Now I'm dreamin'
in fortune cookie.
1358
00:57:55,478 --> 00:57:59,146
How is Rex like a
vending machine full of STDs?
1359
00:57:59,148 --> 00:58:02,284
‘Cause when you put
three quarters in, you get one.
1360
00:58:02,286 --> 00:58:04,422
[groans]
Get out of my head.
1361
00:58:05,222 --> 00:58:08,459
[laughs, nonsensical babbling]
1362
00:58:10,460 --> 00:58:11,929
Dream over.
1363
00:58:12,663 --> 00:58:13,931
[snorts]
1364
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:19,469
I come up with my
best insults while sleeping.
1365
00:58:19,969 --> 00:58:20,971
Wig glue.
1366
00:58:32,014 --> 00:58:33,516
[knock on door]
Shit!
1367
00:58:35,485 --> 00:58:37,655
[knocking continues]
1368
00:58:41,425 --> 00:58:43,427
[woman grunting, groaning]
1369
00:58:44,527 --> 00:58:50,367
International overnight delivery
for Richard Martinez, huh?
1370
00:58:53,135 --> 00:58:54,501
Um, wh...?
1371
00:58:54,503 --> 00:58:55,672
Hey, hey! Wha...?
1372
00:59:02,579 --> 00:59:04,378
[speaks Russian], bitch!
1373
00:59:04,380 --> 00:59:06,149
[squeals, laughs]
1374
00:59:06,650 --> 00:59:08,416
What the hell does that mean?
1375
00:59:08,418 --> 00:59:11,086
I think it's “halleloo”
in Russian.
1376
00:59:11,088 --> 00:59:12,619
- Yes!
- I have a better question.
1377
00:59:12,621 --> 00:59:14,322
What the hell
are you doing in a box?
1378
00:59:14,324 --> 00:59:17,358
Honey, airfare is expensive
and, you know,
1379
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,494
some of us didn't win
“RuPaul's Drag Race.”
1380
00:59:19,496 --> 00:59:21,295
Ooh, the girls are hateful.
You'll see.
1381
00:59:21,297 --> 00:59:23,999
I don't watch
reality television.
1382
00:59:24,001 --> 00:59:25,666
Well, it turns out that
that “Frontline” episode
1383
00:59:25,668 --> 00:59:28,003
on human trafficking
is a lot more informative
1384
00:59:28,005 --> 00:59:29,537
than I think
it was meant to be.
1385
00:59:29,539 --> 00:59:32,106
Well, I'm not sure
if that's good or bad.
1386
00:59:32,108 --> 00:59:35,709
Whoa, baby, with me, it's
always a good thing because...
1387
00:59:35,711 --> 00:59:39,179
say hello to my little friend.
1388
00:59:39,181 --> 00:59:40,648
[both screaming, laughing]
1389
00:59:40,650 --> 00:59:42,316
I love you.
1390
00:59:42,318 --> 00:59:44,084
You old bitch.
1391
00:59:44,086 --> 00:59:46,021
Old? Honey, you must be
talkin' to that wig,
1392
00:59:46,023 --> 00:59:48,188
because you know there are
at least ten years
1393
00:59:48,190 --> 00:59:49,557
between me and you.
1394
00:59:49,559 --> 00:59:50,825
Well, let me tell you this -
1395
00:59:50,827 --> 00:59:53,728
Rex is gonna have ten years in
prison if we don't get him out,
1396
00:59:53,730 --> 00:59:57,097
but I think I have a plan.
1397
00:59:57,099 --> 00:59:58,566
Ohhh!!!
1398
00:59:58,568 --> 01:00:00,534
Do you have a plan
to get me out of this box?
1399
01:00:00,536 --> 01:00:02,237
- Come on, girl. Just lean...
- Bitch, I know.
1400
01:00:02,239 --> 01:00:03,604
Honey, the overage charges
for the weight.
1401
01:00:03,606 --> 01:00:05,373
They tried to say I was
150 pounds, bitch.
1402
01:00:05,375 --> 01:00:06,443
Ahhh!
1403
01:00:07,476 --> 01:00:12,315
♪
1404
01:00:35,271 --> 01:00:37,338
Ooh! You look fabulous!
1405
01:00:37,340 --> 01:00:40,474
See, I told you...
Bianca will fix everything.
1406
01:00:40,476 --> 01:00:43,545
Oh, girl, it's just drag,
not a cure for herpes.
1407
01:00:43,547 --> 01:00:45,380
No, honey, if you want
a cure for herpes,
1408
01:00:45,382 --> 01:00:47,548
you leave Rex up in
that solitary confinement.
1409
01:00:47,550 --> 01:00:49,516
[both laughing]
1410
01:00:49,518 --> 01:00:53,454
You know, there's only
one more thing we need...
1411
01:00:53,456 --> 01:00:54,692
Oh, Deborah!
1412
01:00:55,425 --> 01:00:57,791
Bianca del Rio...
1413
01:00:57,793 --> 01:00:59,860
as I live and breathe.
1414
01:00:59,862 --> 01:01:01,695
Yeah, we'll fix that later.
1415
01:01:01,697 --> 01:01:03,865
We've got lots
of work to do...
1416
01:01:03,867 --> 01:01:05,236
on you.
1417
01:01:05,534 --> 01:01:06,636
[smacks lips]
1418
01:01:11,407 --> 01:01:15,278
♪
1419
01:01:42,539 --> 01:01:44,905
I've been waitin' a long time
for this makeover.
1420
01:01:44,907 --> 01:01:46,441
How do I look?
1421
01:01:46,443 --> 01:01:48,342
Well, when I said I wanted
to rearrange your face,
1422
01:01:48,344 --> 01:01:49,878
this is not what I had in mind.
1423
01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:51,378
My feet are killin' me.
1424
01:01:51,380 --> 01:01:53,280
How do you fruits walk
in these heels anyway?
1425
01:01:53,282 --> 01:01:55,219
A lifetime of
pain and sufferin'.
1426
01:01:55,684 --> 01:01:57,619
Hi. You must be Sacha.
1427
01:01:57,621 --> 01:01:58,820
I'm Bianca del Rio.
1428
01:01:58,822 --> 01:02:01,289
[Russian accent]
You're a fancy prostitute?
1429
01:02:01,291 --> 01:02:04,391
I have no money,
not even for the short one.
1430
01:02:04,393 --> 01:02:05,492
Uh, no.
1431
01:02:05,494 --> 01:02:07,628
We're actually here
looking for my friend Mitya.
1432
01:02:07,630 --> 01:02:09,463
Dmitriy.
He was here yesterday,
1433
01:02:09,465 --> 01:02:11,465
and I do believe
that's his potato.
1434
01:02:11,467 --> 01:02:12,700
Not here.
1435
01:02:12,702 --> 01:02:14,702
At government job.
1436
01:02:14,704 --> 01:02:17,871
Today, I watch potato!
1437
01:02:17,873 --> 01:02:19,440
What's the big deal
with the potato?
1438
01:02:19,442 --> 01:02:20,807
There is line for potato.
1439
01:02:20,809 --> 01:02:23,443
Hey, calm down, Potato Lady!
1440
01:02:23,445 --> 01:02:25,748
Um, Bianca's her pimp.
1441
01:02:26,382 --> 01:02:28,215
Listen.
We need chemicals.
1442
01:02:28,217 --> 01:02:29,617
This is a science fair,
isn't it?
1443
01:02:29,619 --> 01:02:30,818
There's got to be
some place around here
1444
01:02:30,820 --> 01:02:34,655
we can buy or steal supplies
to make a chemical reaction.
1445
01:02:34,657 --> 01:02:36,891
If you need work, I am also,
1446
01:02:36,893 --> 01:02:39,394
how you say, uh, pimp.
1447
01:02:39,396 --> 01:02:40,228
Oh.
1448
01:02:40,230 --> 01:02:43,463
These girls over here,
not my best.
1449
01:02:43,465 --> 01:02:45,499
But prison not so picky.
1450
01:02:45,501 --> 01:02:46,434
[paper tearing]
1451
01:02:46,436 --> 01:02:49,272
This place might have
what you look for.
1452
01:02:50,206 --> 01:02:51,539
Thank you.
1453
01:02:51,541 --> 01:02:53,675
Come on, girls.
We've got some shopping to do.
1454
01:02:53,677 --> 01:02:55,742
We've got some shit to blow up.
1455
01:02:55,744 --> 01:02:56,913
[chuckles]
1456
01:03:04,420 --> 01:03:06,420
The secret prison
is under the Kremlin.
1457
01:03:06,422 --> 01:03:08,555
We only saw the visitor center
in the front,
1458
01:03:08,557 --> 01:03:10,525
which means the prisoners
are in the back.
1459
01:03:10,527 --> 01:03:12,626
Okay, this is a crazy plan,
even for you.
1460
01:03:12,628 --> 01:03:13,628
Oh, shut up.
1461
01:03:13,630 --> 01:03:15,630
Now you, you've got to
pass these around
1462
01:03:15,632 --> 01:03:16,898
and wait for my signal.
1463
01:03:16,900 --> 01:03:19,601
I'm not sure if it's enough
to put the Kremlin in orbit,
1464
01:03:19,603 --> 01:03:21,536
but it definitely
will crack a few walls.
1465
01:03:21,538 --> 01:03:22,537
Now hold up now.
1466
01:03:22,539 --> 01:03:24,639
This is not gonna
go off in my hand, right?
1467
01:03:24,641 --> 01:03:27,641
No! It's stable
until you use the detonator.
1468
01:03:27,643 --> 01:03:29,245
You did bring the detonator?
1469
01:03:29,579 --> 01:03:31,545
- It's in my wig.
- Good.
1470
01:03:31,547 --> 01:03:32,546
Wait a minute, though.
1471
01:03:32,548 --> 01:03:35,383
So they're supposed to
hire ya'll hookers
1472
01:03:35,385 --> 01:03:36,851
to seduce the gays?
1473
01:03:36,853 --> 01:03:38,222
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1474
01:03:38,887 --> 01:03:39,923
Hmm.
1475
01:03:40,322 --> 01:03:41,255
Well, what are you gonna do
1476
01:03:41,257 --> 01:03:43,291
if they try to make you
have sex with Rex?
1477
01:03:43,293 --> 01:03:46,628
I'm totally gonna bite down on
the cyanide capsule in my molar.
1478
01:03:46,630 --> 01:03:47,795
You guys, look.
1479
01:03:47,797 --> 01:03:49,329
We're totally like
"Charlie's Angels" right now.
1480
01:03:49,331 --> 01:03:50,865
Do-da-loo, do-da-loo,
do-da-loo...
1481
01:03:50,867 --> 01:03:52,700
Hey...
You're Bosley.
1482
01:03:52,702 --> 01:03:54,802
Oh, God.
Here. Take this.
1483
01:03:54,804 --> 01:03:56,570
Here's the rest of ‘em.
Get ‘em and go.
1484
01:03:56,572 --> 01:03:58,208
Beat it, queen.
Do your job!
1485
01:03:59,009 --> 01:04:00,041
Now listen, Debbie.
1486
01:04:00,043 --> 01:04:01,909
I know we have not
seen eye to eye,
1487
01:04:01,911 --> 01:04:04,378
because I've seen
wiener dogs taller than you,
1488
01:04:04,380 --> 01:04:06,380
but you and I really need
to work together
1489
01:04:06,382 --> 01:04:07,682
to make this happen.
1490
01:04:07,684 --> 01:04:08,983
You can count on me,
1491
01:04:08,985 --> 01:04:11,318
and I'm not just sayin'
I'll work with you now
1492
01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:13,287
so I can double-cross you later.
1493
01:04:13,289 --> 01:04:14,657
- What?
- What?
1494
01:04:15,358 --> 01:04:18,796
♪
1495
01:04:26,469 --> 01:04:28,271
- Tits up.
- I'm tryin'.
1496
01:04:29,072 --> 01:04:30,374
[knocking on door]
1497
01:04:31,307 --> 01:04:32,407
Da?
1498
01:04:32,409 --> 01:04:34,941
Hi. We're the prostitutes
here to fix the fags.
1499
01:04:34,943 --> 01:04:37,744
Yeah, uh, we're here
to cure all the fags.
1500
01:04:37,746 --> 01:04:40,250
Calm down.
I got this, Mother Teresa.
1501
01:04:42,552 --> 01:04:46,753
[scoffs] We've done worse,
but not much worse.
1502
01:04:46,755 --> 01:04:47,755
Come inside.
1503
01:04:47,757 --> 01:04:49,960
Hmm...
Don't mind if I do.
1504
01:04:50,994 --> 01:04:52,262
[sing-songy]
Told ya.
1505
01:04:52,528 --> 01:04:53,594
Comrade!
1506
01:04:53,596 --> 01:04:55,362
We must to get to prison.
1507
01:04:55,364 --> 01:04:58,066
I feel a presence
I have not felt since...
1508
01:04:58,068 --> 01:05:00,501
the last time your hand
was on my ass.
1509
01:05:00,503 --> 01:05:01,472
Knock it off.
1510
01:05:02,539 --> 01:05:04,104
Don't mind the rats.
The rats don't mind you.
1511
01:05:04,106 --> 01:05:06,474
I really like what
you've done with the place.
1512
01:05:06,476 --> 01:05:07,941
It's so drab.
1513
01:05:07,943 --> 01:05:11,045
That's the radiation.
We have leaky pipe. Watch step.
1514
01:05:11,047 --> 01:05:13,014
[gasps]
Is that Plutonium?
1515
01:05:13,016 --> 01:05:15,583
Oh, that's Uranium-235.
1516
01:05:15,585 --> 01:05:17,117
- Very good.
- Thanks.
1517
01:05:17,119 --> 01:05:18,885
Prisoner today
thought it was Gatorade.
1518
01:05:18,887 --> 01:05:20,021
Stupid homo.
1519
01:05:20,023 --> 01:05:22,757
You're smarter
than most whores we get.
1520
01:05:22,759 --> 01:05:24,925
- Oh, well.
- But just as homey.
1521
01:05:24,927 --> 01:05:26,994
I'm sure you mean homely.
1522
01:05:26,996 --> 01:05:29,697
No, homey.
My mother was whore.
1523
01:05:29,699 --> 01:05:30,800
In you go.
1524
01:05:31,701 --> 01:05:34,735
- Uh...
- Uh, so what do we have to do?
1525
01:05:34,737 --> 01:05:39,106
Fix homo and I pay you
one potato each.
1526
01:05:39,108 --> 01:05:43,110
One potato, two potato,
three potato...
1527
01:05:43,112 --> 01:05:44,414
Nyet!
1528
01:05:44,713 --> 01:05:46,113
He seems nice.
1529
01:05:46,115 --> 01:05:47,483
[whimpers]
1530
01:05:49,952 --> 01:05:52,720
[Russian accent]
Just to get set up.
1531
01:05:52,722 --> 01:05:54,054
Then we begin.
1532
01:05:54,056 --> 01:05:56,456
Now I've been to
some kinky shit,
1533
01:05:56,458 --> 01:05:58,861
but this is weird,
even for me.
1534
01:05:59,762 --> 01:06:02,463
I can't wait to see the skank
you picked out for me, though.
1535
01:06:02,465 --> 01:06:04,367
I hope she's awful.
1536
01:06:05,101 --> 01:06:07,168
Oh, she is.
1537
01:06:07,170 --> 01:06:09,070
I thought there was
gonna be more hookers.
1538
01:06:09,072 --> 01:06:10,405
I think it's just us.
1539
01:06:10,407 --> 01:06:11,440
How does this work?
1540
01:06:11,442 --> 01:06:13,173
Well, they've got him
strapped to that machine
1541
01:06:13,175 --> 01:06:15,478
to test his sexual response.
1542
01:06:16,079 --> 01:06:17,878
Don't you watch
“Masters of Sex?”
1543
01:06:17,880 --> 01:06:19,112
Premium cable?
1544
01:06:19,114 --> 01:06:21,449
I'm a teacher,
not a lottery winner.
1545
01:06:21,451 --> 01:06:23,150
There's a lot of lotteries
you didn't win.
1546
01:06:23,152 --> 01:06:25,853
(Rex)
While you're down there...
1547
01:06:25,855 --> 01:06:27,088
[grunts]
1548
01:06:27,090 --> 01:06:28,588
Yes, daddy!
1549
01:06:28,590 --> 01:06:29,990
(Rex) Oh... Oh, look at that.
1550
01:06:29,992 --> 01:06:31,858
Now listen.
They're gonna pick one of us,
1551
01:06:31,860 --> 01:06:33,094
hopefully you,
1552
01:06:33,096 --> 01:06:36,563
to go over there and grope him
to see if they can turn him on.
1553
01:06:36,565 --> 01:06:39,099
Once he pops a boner,
he's out of here, free.
1554
01:06:39,101 --> 01:06:40,802
This doesn't make sense.
1555
01:06:40,804 --> 01:06:44,938
We're in drag in a secret
Russian prison under the Kremlin
1556
01:06:44,940 --> 01:06:47,575
tryin' to turn this
gay slut straight.
1557
01:06:47,577 --> 01:06:50,644
And it's not like you sailed
here on the good ship Logic,
1558
01:06:50,646 --> 01:06:51,748
did ya?
1559
01:06:56,518 --> 01:06:58,721
Buy a lady a drink first.
1560
01:06:59,188 --> 01:07:01,521
I'll take an Old Spice.
1561
01:07:01,523 --> 01:07:03,624
- Neat.
- We must to test you.
1562
01:07:03,626 --> 01:07:05,193
Okay, which hooker you want?
1563
01:07:05,195 --> 01:07:07,728
Oh, this is like
“Sophie's Choice,”
1564
01:07:07,730 --> 01:07:10,798
except I want to be the kid
who goes to the gas chamber.
1565
01:07:10,800 --> 01:07:12,066
Is that an option?
1566
01:07:12,068 --> 01:07:13,601
I pick for you.
1567
01:07:13,603 --> 01:07:15,036
Now listen.
I wanna help Rex,
1568
01:07:15,038 --> 01:07:17,572
but if she picks me, I don't
know if I can do this.
1569
01:07:17,574 --> 01:07:18,905
It's gonna be me anyway.
1570
01:07:18,907 --> 01:07:20,208
I'm way prettier than you.
1571
01:07:20,210 --> 01:07:23,110
You really haven't caught onto
this whole homosexuality thing,
1572
01:07:23,112 --> 01:07:24,679
have ya, Debbie?
1573
01:07:24,681 --> 01:07:26,481
Stop callin' me Debbie!
1574
01:07:26,483 --> 01:07:27,815
Rex is a walking hard-on.
1575
01:07:27,817 --> 01:07:29,150
All you have to do
is go near him.
1576
01:07:29,152 --> 01:07:31,755
He'll pop a boner.
You're a very lucky lady.
1577
01:07:32,255 --> 01:07:34,921
Okay...
Show me hands.
1578
01:07:34,923 --> 01:07:36,691
Thumbs up! Hands.
1579
01:07:36,693 --> 01:07:37,858
Okay. Okay.
1580
01:07:37,860 --> 01:07:39,860
No syphilis,
but we use them anyway.
1581
01:07:39,862 --> 01:07:40,795
Come on.
1582
01:07:40,797 --> 01:07:42,963
You very old whore.
You know what to do.
1583
01:07:42,965 --> 01:07:45,099
Right here? Right now?
In this lighting?
1584
01:07:45,101 --> 01:07:48,936
Make this queer a real man
or you both die in Siberia.
1585
01:07:48,938 --> 01:07:51,171
I thought I was
getting a potato.
1586
01:07:51,173 --> 01:07:53,974
Potato is for closers.
1587
01:07:53,976 --> 01:07:56,846
[sighs deeply]
There's got to be another way.
1588
01:07:57,246 --> 01:07:59,012
Maybe Siberia's not so bad.
1589
01:07:59,014 --> 01:08:00,648
Oh, please.
You know you want this.
1590
01:08:00,650 --> 01:08:02,617
You've wanted this
since the night we met.
1591
01:08:02,619 --> 01:08:04,784
I tripped over you
in a snow bank.
1592
01:08:04,786 --> 01:08:06,186
I thought you were homeless.
1593
01:08:06,188 --> 01:08:08,021
Oh, yeah? Then why
did you try to kiss me, huh?
1594
01:08:08,023 --> 01:08:11,057
That wasn't a kiss.
I was giving you mouth-to-mouth.
1595
01:08:11,059 --> 01:08:12,592
You weren't breathing.
1596
01:08:12,594 --> 01:08:14,931
Well, I'm breathing now.
1597
01:08:15,931 --> 01:08:18,866
[breathes heavily, snorts]
1598
01:08:18,868 --> 01:08:20,601
If I throw up in my mouth,
1599
01:08:20,603 --> 01:08:22,702
it's not gonna be good
for either one of us.
1600
01:08:22,704 --> 01:08:25,606
Talking costs extra!
No more potato.
1601
01:08:25,608 --> 01:08:27,744
Kiss! Kiss now!
1602
01:08:30,313 --> 01:08:31,879
Wait. Before we do this,
1603
01:08:31,881 --> 01:08:34,315
Richard, Richard,
something I have to say.
1604
01:08:34,317 --> 01:08:35,450
What?
1605
01:08:35,452 --> 01:08:39,687
If Deborah is over there
wearing my wig, I will kill you.
1606
01:08:39,689 --> 01:08:41,692
Not if this kills me first.
1607
01:08:46,662 --> 01:08:47,562
[gagging]
1608
01:08:47,564 --> 01:08:49,263
No response.
1609
01:08:49,265 --> 01:08:50,263
Sorry.
1610
01:08:50,265 --> 01:08:53,668
I smell cabbage.
Is anybody boiling cabbage?
1611
01:08:53,670 --> 01:08:55,902
Listen.
This is no fun for me either.
1612
01:08:55,904 --> 01:08:59,839
Now focus, or I swear to God
I will fist you like a Muppet!
1613
01:08:59,841 --> 01:09:02,209
Thanks for the dirty talk,
but I don't think it'll help.
1614
01:09:02,211 --> 01:09:05,178
Maybe if you tilt your head
a little so I can see the guard.
1615
01:09:05,180 --> 01:09:06,981
No response.
Come on. Again!
1616
01:09:06,983 --> 01:09:08,848
Again! Kiss.
1617
01:09:08,850 --> 01:09:11,184
I really wish there
was cyanide in my molar.
1618
01:09:11,186 --> 01:09:12,922
Then we could both die.
1619
01:09:14,690 --> 01:09:16,723
I mean, you know it's a sin,
1620
01:09:16,725 --> 01:09:19,662
but you're just not prepared
for how gross it is.
1621
01:09:25,033 --> 01:09:27,968
Definitely boiled cabbage.
1622
01:09:27,970 --> 01:09:29,336
Maybe with some turnips?
1623
01:09:29,338 --> 01:09:30,870
Is anybody hungry?
1624
01:09:30,872 --> 01:09:32,675
- Nothing.
- Sorry I'm late.
1625
01:09:35,278 --> 01:09:38,012
Rex, look. It's the guy
from the science fair.
1626
01:09:38,014 --> 01:09:39,746
I didn't think
he was cute then
1627
01:09:39,748 --> 01:09:41,915
and I don't think
it'll help now.
1628
01:09:41,917 --> 01:09:43,683
Oh, I make adjustment.
1629
01:09:43,685 --> 01:09:45,855
Honestly, I thought
he was hotter as Katya.
1630
01:09:46,689 --> 01:09:48,022
Wait. What?
1631
01:09:48,024 --> 01:09:49,726
Nice to meet ya.
1632
01:09:52,795 --> 01:09:54,294
How did you miss that?
I would think
1633
01:09:54,296 --> 01:09:56,599
your nerdy senses
would have been tingling.
1634
01:09:57,667 --> 01:09:59,032
[whispers]
You are a science teacher.
1635
01:09:59,034 --> 01:10:00,269
You know what to do.
1636
01:10:05,807 --> 01:10:06,944
All fine now.
1637
01:10:07,644 --> 01:10:09,777
Listen. If you
try to stick your tongue
1638
01:10:09,779 --> 01:10:12,315
down my throat again,
you're gonna taste my lunch.
1639
01:10:16,185 --> 01:10:17,154
[gags]
1640
01:10:23,192 --> 01:10:25,159
[gasps]
Success!
1641
01:10:25,161 --> 01:10:26,393
Yay!
1642
01:10:26,395 --> 01:10:27,727
Yay!
1643
01:10:27,729 --> 01:10:30,330
Oh, yes! Success!
1644
01:10:30,332 --> 01:10:34,168
Yay. Success!
1645
01:10:34,170 --> 01:10:35,838
Success!
1646
01:10:36,972 --> 01:10:39,342
Hey, take him back to his cell.
1647
01:10:40,943 --> 01:10:43,947
Wait! I-I thought they were
released once they were cured!
1648
01:10:44,413 --> 01:10:47,348
Girl, please.
Look at him.
1649
01:10:47,350 --> 01:10:49,316
He need many more treatment,
1650
01:10:49,318 --> 01:10:52,085
but at least you
don't go to Siberia.
1651
01:10:52,087 --> 01:10:53,454
What about Carly?
1652
01:10:53,456 --> 01:10:55,790
Curly? Who is this Curly?
1653
01:10:55,792 --> 01:10:57,825
Shut your face, Debbie!
1654
01:10:57,827 --> 01:10:59,226
You have my daughter, Carly.
1655
01:10:59,228 --> 01:11:01,728
She isn't one of these flamers.
Let her go!
1656
01:11:01,730 --> 01:11:03,164
You keep Bianca.
1657
01:11:03,166 --> 01:11:04,964
Let me know
how this all plays out.
1658
01:11:04,966 --> 01:11:07,237
I've got a man waiting for me.
1659
01:11:08,237 --> 01:11:09,306
[thud on floor]
1660
01:11:11,039 --> 01:11:13,777
Oops. Baby made a boom boom.
1661
01:11:18,914 --> 01:11:21,147
What is going on here?
1662
01:11:21,149 --> 01:11:23,116
Mitya, what have you done?
1663
01:11:23,118 --> 01:11:25,719
This hooker
is a flaming drag queen
1664
01:11:25,721 --> 01:11:27,987
and a degenerate homosexual.
1665
01:11:27,989 --> 01:11:29,924
I'm the real woman here, okay?
1666
01:11:29,926 --> 01:11:31,357
You can take her.
1667
01:11:31,359 --> 01:11:33,994
Bianca del Rio
is the one that you want.
1668
01:11:33,996 --> 01:11:36,296
You thought those heels
were killing you before;
1669
01:11:36,298 --> 01:11:38,264
wait till I get a hold of you.
1670
01:11:38,266 --> 01:11:40,768
Okay, that's it. Guard!
1671
01:11:40,770 --> 01:11:42,937
Take homo to cell!
1672
01:11:42,939 --> 01:11:46,507
I stay with Mitya and these
prostitutes till you get back!
1673
01:11:46,509 --> 01:11:49,143
Come on.
Go, go, go, go.
1674
01:11:49,145 --> 01:11:50,376
Let's go.
1675
01:11:50,378 --> 01:11:52,746
This is great.
Now we're both gonna rot
1676
01:11:52,748 --> 01:11:54,781
in this rat-infested
prison together.
1677
01:11:54,783 --> 01:11:56,282
You brought this
on yourself, homo.
1678
01:11:56,284 --> 01:11:57,918
Oh, yeah. They're probably
gonna put us
1679
01:11:57,920 --> 01:11:59,085
in a cell together
with each other.
1680
01:11:59,087 --> 01:12:00,454
Wouldn't you like that, Debbie?
1681
01:12:00,456 --> 01:12:04,761
Never call me Debbie!!!!
[shrieking loudly]
1682
01:12:05,994 --> 01:12:08,329
Oh, no.
That voice. The rats.
1683
01:12:08,331 --> 01:12:10,263
(sing-songy) Deb-bie. Deb-bie.
1684
01:12:10,265 --> 01:12:12,866
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
Bzzz!
1685
01:12:12,868 --> 01:12:15,936
Stop that! You stop that
with your faggy ties,
1686
01:12:15,938 --> 01:12:18,772
your clown makeup,
your nasty one-liners,
1687
01:12:18,774 --> 01:12:20,875
and your purse full of bees!
1688
01:12:20,877 --> 01:12:24,945
You stop calling me Debbie!!!!
1689
01:12:24,947 --> 01:12:27,548
Oh, no.
Is mating season!
1690
01:12:27,550 --> 01:12:29,286
Whoa!
1691
01:12:30,086 --> 01:12:31,852
[gun shots]
1692
01:12:31,854 --> 01:12:33,787
Little Debbie with her
Holly Hobbie dresses.
1693
01:12:33,789 --> 01:12:35,458
Little Debbie
with a lip gloss addiction.
1694
01:12:36,192 --> 01:12:37,892
You stop that!
1695
01:12:37,894 --> 01:12:39,860
They called me
Little Debbie Snack Cake!
1696
01:12:39,862 --> 01:12:41,795
I was the shortest one
in school!
1697
01:12:41,797 --> 01:12:43,897
You're just as mean as they are!
1698
01:12:43,899 --> 01:12:46,402
You stop teasing me!
1699
01:12:48,270 --> 01:12:50,271
[gun clicking]
1700
01:12:50,273 --> 01:12:53,374
Oh, no, no, no, no!
1701
01:12:53,376 --> 01:12:55,378
They coming, they coming.
1702
01:12:56,912 --> 01:12:58,180
Oh!
1703
01:12:59,815 --> 01:13:01,147
Oh, no, they coming.
1704
01:13:01,149 --> 01:13:03,987
They coming
to mate with my face.
1705
01:13:04,921 --> 01:13:08,024
They-they-
they mate with my face!
1706
01:13:15,497 --> 01:13:16,964
You don't have a key?
1707
01:13:16,966 --> 01:13:18,531
Nyet. Maybe if I had wig,
1708
01:13:18,533 --> 01:13:20,401
I could take bobby pin,
but I have nothing.
1709
01:13:20,403 --> 01:13:22,102
[gasp]
Looks like we're next.
1710
01:13:22,104 --> 01:13:23,603
Well, you see,
ever since Debbie here
1711
01:13:23,605 --> 01:13:25,906
and her brother kidnapped me
and left me to die in the woods,
1712
01:13:25,908 --> 01:13:27,273
I never leave home without this.
1713
01:13:27,275 --> 01:13:28,875
I don't have time
for this!
1714
01:13:28,877 --> 01:13:30,277
I don't have time for you!
1715
01:13:30,279 --> 01:13:31,848
All right! Let's go,
1716
01:13:36,551 --> 01:13:38,485
The prisoners
were kept downstairs.
1717
01:13:38,487 --> 01:13:40,123
We must to hurry.
1718
01:13:43,158 --> 01:13:45,226
That works perfectly, Deborah.
1719
01:13:45,228 --> 01:13:46,427
Wait. What?
1720
01:13:46,429 --> 01:13:49,229
Your voice...
It brought the rats.
1721
01:13:49,231 --> 01:13:51,234
I told you we needed
to work together.
1722
01:13:54,936 --> 01:13:57,004
They must to feed us soon.
1723
01:13:57,006 --> 01:13:58,975
Gorky get hungry.
1724
01:13:59,175 --> 01:14:01,177
What the hell?!
No, no!
1725
01:14:01,944 --> 01:14:03,380
Look! They are here.
1726
01:14:05,448 --> 01:14:07,414
- Mama, is that you?
- Carly!
1727
01:14:07,416 --> 01:14:10,317
Oh, I couldn't leave
my baby here in prison.
1728
01:14:10,319 --> 01:14:13,053
Listen, you guys, I'm gonna
have you out in no time.
1729
01:14:13,055 --> 01:14:15,522
You and Bianca
are workin' together.
1730
01:14:15,524 --> 01:14:16,790
[whispers]
Just to get you out of here.
1731
01:14:16,792 --> 01:14:19,460
Don't worry. She's gonna get
what's comin' to her.
1732
01:14:19,462 --> 01:14:22,396
Mama, haven't you learned
anything from all this?
1733
01:14:22,398 --> 01:14:25,366
Well, I learned I look
pretty fierce as a blond,
1734
01:14:25,368 --> 01:14:27,871
and did you know
rats have a mating season?
1735
01:14:29,604 --> 01:14:30,606
[both gasping]
1736
01:14:31,407 --> 01:14:34,508
It's okay, girl.
He's with me.
1737
01:14:34,510 --> 01:14:37,410
I told you
I could take care of myself.
1738
01:14:37,412 --> 01:14:38,912
I wish you
would have told me that
1739
01:14:38,914 --> 01:14:40,446
before I had to
make out with you.
1740
01:14:40,448 --> 01:14:41,483
Excuse me.
1741
01:14:46,322 --> 01:14:47,524
You are free to go.
1742
01:14:47,989 --> 01:14:49,291
[whispers]
Stay down, stay down.
1743
01:14:51,260 --> 01:14:52,929
Carly, you're free!
1744
01:14:53,529 --> 01:14:55,161
I am.
1745
01:14:55,163 --> 01:14:57,630
Now, help me
shove Bianca in here.
1746
01:14:57,632 --> 01:14:59,232
It's what we came here to do.
1747
01:14:59,234 --> 01:15:00,968
No, Mama. I can't.
1748
01:15:00,970 --> 01:15:03,336
- What?
- You're right. I am free.
1749
01:15:03,338 --> 01:15:05,104
Finally free of you.
1750
01:15:05,106 --> 01:15:08,142
No! Carly!
What are you doing?
1751
01:15:08,144 --> 01:15:10,076
These flamers
turned you against me?
1752
01:15:10,078 --> 01:15:12,079
They're just people
just like you and me, Mama,
1753
01:15:12,081 --> 01:15:13,379
tryin' to do the right thing.
1754
01:15:13,381 --> 01:15:15,249
But we were never tryin'
to do the right thing.
1755
01:15:15,251 --> 01:15:17,584
I mean all that hate -
and for what?
1756
01:15:17,586 --> 01:15:20,120
You can't just leave me in here.
1757
01:15:20,122 --> 01:15:21,455
Sorry, Mama.
1758
01:15:21,457 --> 01:15:23,723
You said prison made
a new woman out of you...
1759
01:15:23,725 --> 01:15:26,328
Well, it made a new woman
out of me, too.
1760
01:15:27,595 --> 01:15:29,665
Noooo!!!
1761
01:15:30,666 --> 01:15:33,536
I'll get you Bianca.
This ain't over.
1762
01:15:34,103 --> 01:15:36,102
Looks like you're the cat.
1763
01:15:36,104 --> 01:15:39,373
You're gonna have to
hold your own legs, bitch.
1764
01:15:39,375 --> 01:15:40,674
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
1765
01:15:40,676 --> 01:15:43,277
As soon as I get out of here,
I'm comin' for you, Bianca!
1766
01:15:43,279 --> 01:15:44,481
I'm comin' for you!
1767
01:15:45,347 --> 01:15:46,513
Oh, no.
1768
01:15:46,515 --> 01:15:48,014
Here come those horny rats.
1769
01:15:48,016 --> 01:15:49,184
(Rat) Hey...
1770
01:15:51,153 --> 01:15:54,356
[screaming]
Biancaaaa!!!!
1771
01:16:01,029 --> 01:16:02,364
This way. Let's go.
1772
01:16:03,198 --> 01:16:05,067
Thank you for everything.
1773
01:16:24,653 --> 01:16:27,187
I can't believe that you
would do that to Deborah.
1774
01:16:27,189 --> 01:16:29,356
I mean I wouldn't even
leave her in that jail cell.
1775
01:16:29,358 --> 01:16:32,061
Well, Rex has been
nothin' but kind to me.
1776
01:16:33,095 --> 01:16:35,161
I mean, it makes me question
1777
01:16:35,163 --> 01:16:37,333
what this whole thing was about
in the first place.
1778
01:16:38,333 --> 01:16:41,268
Maybe we are better together
livin' side by side,
1779
01:16:41,270 --> 01:16:43,273
instead of tearing
each other down.
1780
01:16:44,672 --> 01:16:47,340
Bianca has told me of snake
that bites your boobs off.
1781
01:16:47,342 --> 01:16:48,209
Yeah.
1782
01:16:48,211 --> 01:16:50,244
I know a doctor
who can make new again,
1783
01:16:50,246 --> 01:16:51,211
creamy like mash potato.
1784
01:16:51,213 --> 01:16:53,746
- Yes!
- They will be mash potato.
1785
01:16:53,748 --> 01:16:56,150
Perhaps a bit lumpy,
but we do our best.
1786
01:16:56,152 --> 01:16:57,718
Okay.
1787
01:16:57,720 --> 01:16:59,820
Tater tits... Yeah.
1788
01:16:59,822 --> 01:17:01,291
Let's go!
1789
01:17:04,460 --> 01:17:06,128
I'll never forget you.
1790
01:17:07,162 --> 01:17:09,231
Hey! Wait up.
1791
01:17:11,600 --> 01:17:14,334
Hey, guys.
Let's blow this pop stand.
1792
01:17:14,336 --> 01:17:16,169
- He's not coming with us?
- Who?
1793
01:17:16,171 --> 01:17:17,370
Your new boyfriend.
1794
01:17:17,372 --> 01:17:19,238
Oh, that was just
a prison thing.
1795
01:17:19,240 --> 01:17:20,473
He knows that.
1796
01:17:20,475 --> 01:17:22,709
Besides, I think
my time behind bars
1797
01:17:22,711 --> 01:17:25,446
proves I don't need a man
to protect me anymore.
1798
01:17:25,448 --> 01:17:27,380
What you need to
protect you is bubble wrap.
1799
01:17:27,382 --> 01:17:29,849
I've been doing just fine
in New York since you left.
1800
01:17:29,851 --> 01:17:32,419
I don't need you to worry
about me anymore, mom!
1801
01:17:32,421 --> 01:17:34,353
But I do worry about you.
1802
01:17:34,355 --> 01:17:36,156
Why did you think
those bricks of cocaine
1803
01:17:36,158 --> 01:17:37,424
in your bag would help?
1804
01:17:37,426 --> 01:17:39,425
Not that bag...
The other bag.
1805
01:17:39,427 --> 01:17:42,562
There were two bags,
like the ones under your eyes.
1806
01:17:42,564 --> 01:17:44,598
All right.
You got me on that.
1807
01:17:44,600 --> 01:17:46,599
Look!
Is Svetlana Zlopasnost.
1808
01:17:46,601 --> 01:17:47,670
We run now!
1809
01:17:49,104 --> 01:17:51,405
Degenerate homosexuals
are escaping!
1810
01:17:51,407 --> 01:17:52,742
Let's get them!
1811
01:17:56,578 --> 01:17:59,448
[LOUD BOOM]
1812
01:18:01,649 --> 01:18:05,521
[explosions, booming]
1813
01:18:06,622 --> 01:18:07,754
Go!
1814
01:18:07,756 --> 01:18:09,492
Go, go, go, go, go!
1815
01:18:10,658 --> 01:18:12,492
Ah, sh...!
1816
01:18:12,494 --> 01:18:14,197
Go, go, go, go.
1817
01:18:15,864 --> 01:18:18,764
Perfect timing, as always.
1818
01:18:18,766 --> 01:18:20,634
Girl, you know I got your back.
1819
01:18:20,636 --> 01:18:23,202
That's ‘cause nobody
wants your front, but, uh...
1820
01:18:23,204 --> 01:18:24,338
[screams]
1821
01:18:24,340 --> 01:18:25,472
Oh!
1822
01:18:25,474 --> 01:18:28,342
So that is end
of Svetlana Zlopasnost.
1823
01:18:28,344 --> 01:18:31,544
Who is going to host next season
of “Homo Hunters?”
1824
01:18:31,546 --> 01:18:33,213
That was a good show.
1825
01:18:33,215 --> 01:18:34,481
R-I-P.
1826
01:18:34,483 --> 01:18:36,549
Thanks for all
of your help, Mitya.
1827
01:18:36,551 --> 01:18:40,620
Sorry we got your club raided
and that we blew up your job.
1828
01:18:40,622 --> 01:18:43,557
But maybe this means that
you can come to America now.
1829
01:18:43,559 --> 01:18:45,726
I- if you'd like to, I-I...
1830
01:18:45,728 --> 01:18:47,727
Well, I would like it a lot.
1831
01:18:47,729 --> 01:18:48,928
Is tempting.
1832
01:18:48,930 --> 01:18:50,630
I would like
to know you better.
1833
01:18:50,632 --> 01:18:52,532
But still so much work
to be done.
1834
01:18:52,534 --> 01:18:55,936
Your Texas has given me hope
that if we stay and fight,
1835
01:18:55,938 --> 01:18:57,803
we can have Texas, too.
1836
01:18:57,805 --> 01:19:01,541
Oh, that is the saddest...
1837
01:19:01,543 --> 01:19:03,910
and dumbest thing
I think I've ever heard.
1838
01:19:03,912 --> 01:19:04,878
[chuckles]
1839
01:19:04,880 --> 01:19:06,446
I understand.
1840
01:19:06,448 --> 01:19:08,682
You should stay and make
a bad situation better.
1841
01:19:08,684 --> 01:19:09,950
I mean, that's the whole reason
1842
01:19:09,952 --> 01:19:11,951
why I moved to Texas
in the first place...
1843
01:19:11,953 --> 01:19:13,954
and the reason
why I'm going back.
1844
01:19:13,956 --> 01:19:16,490
It's not just the children
that need an education.
1845
01:19:16,492 --> 01:19:19,860
We've made some progress,
but there's still more to do.
1846
01:19:19,862 --> 01:19:20,995
True.
1847
01:19:20,997 --> 01:19:23,597
I'll help. I mean, if you queers
can change my mind,
1848
01:19:23,599 --> 01:19:25,168
anyone can change.
1849
01:19:29,738 --> 01:19:30,670
Oh, eat.
1850
01:19:30,672 --> 01:19:33,674
Come on. Is nobody
going to eat that, huh?
1851
01:19:33,676 --> 01:19:35,378
[all groaning]
1852
01:19:45,688 --> 01:19:48,354
Is three months now since
we moved to homo house,
1853
01:19:48,356 --> 01:19:49,889
and is great!
1854
01:19:49,891 --> 01:19:51,724
Sometimes I miss the breeze
1855
01:19:51,726 --> 01:19:53,727
come through
the cracks in the walls, but...
1856
01:19:53,729 --> 01:19:56,763
And now we have central heat.
1857
01:19:56,765 --> 01:19:58,865
When I build fire
in middle of room.
1858
01:19:58,867 --> 01:20:01,802
In-in-in-in basement
I have swing.
1859
01:20:01,804 --> 01:20:03,603
Oh, basement.
What treat!
1860
01:20:03,605 --> 01:20:06,572
It's funny kind of swing
is in basement closet.
1861
01:20:06,574 --> 01:20:08,741
Not so much with the weee!
1862
01:20:08,743 --> 01:20:10,509
Sometimes I climb
into the swing.
1863
01:20:10,511 --> 01:20:11,644
I hear moans.
1864
01:20:11,646 --> 01:20:15,382
I think homo house haunted,
but it's just my Boris.
1865
01:20:15,384 --> 01:20:16,519
[chuckles] Da!
1866
01:20:17,619 --> 01:20:18,621
I like.
1867
01:20:19,654 --> 01:20:22,791
[chattering,
crowd cheers]
1868
01:20:23,391 --> 01:20:24,724
(Reporter)
In International news,
1869
01:20:24,726 --> 01:20:26,526
Russia continues to insist
1870
01:20:26,528 --> 01:20:29,662
they weren't running a secret
gay prison under the Kremlin,
1871
01:20:29,664 --> 01:20:32,933
and that the explosion
last month in downtown Moscow
1872
01:20:32,935 --> 01:20:35,468
was just a gas leak.
1873
01:20:35,470 --> 01:20:38,472
But word that dozens of gay
people have been arrested
1874
01:20:38,474 --> 01:20:41,842
and imprisoned in Russia
has sparked outrage and protest
1875
01:20:41,844 --> 01:20:43,177
all around the world.
1876
01:20:43,179 --> 01:20:46,446
Personally, I'm supporting gay
rights by wearin' this outfit
1877
01:20:46,448 --> 01:20:48,949
that Roger told me
I looked great in...
1878
01:20:48,951 --> 01:20:51,951
but I'm pretty sure he just
dressed me as Barb
1879
01:20:51,953 --> 01:20:53,754
from “Stranger Things.”
1880
01:20:53,756 --> 01:20:56,423
Yes. Justice for Barb.
1881
01:20:56,425 --> 01:20:58,561
That is what it is all about.
1882
01:20:59,528 --> 01:21:02,696
NEWS: It's deadly and it could
be in your purse right now.
1883
01:21:02,698 --> 01:21:04,298
What is it?
1884
01:21:04,300 --> 01:21:05,969
You'll find out
in the next hour.
1885
01:21:13,475 --> 01:21:14,840
Rex, no.
1886
01:21:14,842 --> 01:21:16,009
Rex, no! Rex!
1887
01:21:16,011 --> 01:21:17,943
If you don't bring
your whorish ass...
1888
01:21:17,945 --> 01:21:19,282
Wooo! Rex!
1889
01:21:29,692 --> 01:21:30,859
[phone ringing]
1890
01:21:33,761 --> 01:21:35,465
[no audio]
1891
01:21:48,844 --> 01:21:49,878
Ow!
1892
01:21:50,479 --> 01:21:51,512
Marker.
1893
01:21:51,514 --> 01:21:52,812
Get that out of my face.
I'm trying to perform.
1894
01:21:52,814 --> 01:21:54,947
I feel like a fuckin' roach.
1895
01:21:54,949 --> 01:21:57,019
Here, like, I'm a crab?
1896
01:21:58,720 --> 01:21:59,788
[smacks lips]
1897
01:22:02,725 --> 01:22:03,559
Mother [BEEP]!
1898
01:22:04,393 --> 01:22:06,496
[chuckles]
You can't do this to me.
1899
01:22:06,962 --> 01:22:08,628
I'm talkin' to a stick.
1900
01:22:08,630 --> 01:22:10,863
How are you gonna get Bianca
to go over to Russia?
1901
01:22:10,865 --> 01:22:12,566
Oh, easy.
1902
01:22:12,568 --> 01:22:13,834
[laughing]
1903
01:22:13,836 --> 01:22:16,902
I sent her a letter sayin'
she won a teachin' award, right?
1904
01:22:16,904 --> 01:22:19,138
Only she has to go
to Russia to get it.
1905
01:22:19,140 --> 01:22:20,876
[both laughing]
1906
01:22:21,609 --> 01:22:22,878
Okay. Get it out, Dratch.
1907
01:22:23,945 --> 01:22:26,612
[laughing]
You motherfucker.
1908
01:22:26,614 --> 01:22:28,682
He just blew me a kiss.
What a dick.
1909
01:22:28,684 --> 01:22:32,451
You are found out to be gay man
in teacher fuck hole butt.
1910
01:22:32,453 --> 01:22:33,387
Sorry.
1911
01:22:33,389 --> 01:22:34,787
That's him right there
by the bathroom.
1912
01:22:34,789 --> 01:22:38,094
Oh, I want to fuck you.
[laughs]
1913
01:22:38,894 --> 01:22:41,093
Good.
‘Cause you know what?
1914
01:22:41,095 --> 01:22:44,032
You're going to speak Spanish
into my clam hole tonight, baby.
1915
01:22:45,734 --> 01:22:47,337
Ahhh!!!
1916
01:22:47,569 --> 01:22:49,605
Fuck you, Debbie!
1917
01:22:50,671 --> 01:22:51,772
I'm gonna do this.
1918
01:22:51,774 --> 01:22:53,943
Explosion. Ah.
1919
01:22:55,144 --> 01:22:57,777
Lock her up!
Her emails!
1920
01:22:57,779 --> 01:22:59,581
[laughing]
1921
01:23:03,018 --> 01:23:04,451
Oh, God, it's there, right?
1922
01:23:04,453 --> 01:23:06,919
It's looking at me.
No. Okay.
1923
01:23:06,921 --> 01:23:08,621
Oh, God.
I hear it clicking.
1924
01:23:08,623 --> 01:23:09,955
Okay.
[gasps] Jesus.
1925
01:23:09,957 --> 01:23:11,491
Okay. [chuckles]
1926
01:23:11,493 --> 01:23:12,862
This could be our big break.
1927
01:23:14,529 --> 01:23:15,630
[gasps, screams]
1928
01:23:18,132 --> 01:23:20,834
It's four AM and you're in
an old police station.
1929
01:23:20,836 --> 01:23:23,405
I- It gets better.
It gets better.
1930
01:23:24,872 --> 01:23:27,174
Oh, you don't like gays?
Or clowns?
1931
01:23:27,176 --> 01:23:28,708
Shut up.
1932
01:23:28,710 --> 01:23:30,843
Well, I think I found
Natalee Holloway.
1933
01:23:30,845 --> 01:23:35,417
Oh, no. That's Rachel Dolezal
disguised as... [snorts]
1934
01:23:36,452 --> 01:23:37,717
Sorry.
1935
01:23:37,719 --> 01:23:39,753
This hooker
is a flamin' drag queen
1936
01:23:39,755 --> 01:23:42,458
and degenerate homosexual!
1937
01:23:43,859 --> 01:23:45,592
[laughter]
1938
01:23:45,594 --> 01:23:47,029
Yes and yes.
1939
01:23:47,496 --> 01:23:48,961
This hooker...
1940
01:23:48,963 --> 01:23:49,998
[all laughing]
1941
01:23:51,733 --> 01:23:53,569
Got a special rate.
1942
01:23:56,104 --> 01:23:57,440
All right, let's reset.
1943
01:24:00,042 --> 01:24:01,611
- Line?
- It's a burp.
1944
01:24:02,877 --> 01:24:04,179
Okay, sorry.
That sucked.
1945
01:24:07,615 --> 01:24:08,714
Come on.
1946
01:24:08,716 --> 01:24:10,552
Secret police are everywhere.
We must be careful.
1947
01:24:14,189 --> 01:24:16,723
That old leather skin, honey,
they should stick real good.
1948
01:24:16,725 --> 01:24:17,693
Fuck you, cunt.
1949
01:24:18,627 --> 01:24:21,130
It's still prettier
than your asshole.
1950
01:24:22,163 --> 01:24:24,164
I sent her...
[giggles]
1951
01:24:24,166 --> 01:24:26,702
I sent her a letter saying...
[giggling]
1952
01:24:30,872 --> 01:24:32,974
- Oh, don't look at me.
- I'm not looking at you.
1953
01:24:33,774 --> 01:24:34,875
Let me get this right.
1954
01:24:34,877 --> 01:24:37,777
They're gonna hire ya'll hookers
1955
01:24:37,779 --> 01:24:40,213
to go in there
and seduce the gays?
1956
01:24:40,215 --> 01:24:41,580
[laughing]
1957
01:24:41,582 --> 01:24:42,949
Oh, wait.
Let me get this right.
1958
01:24:42,951 --> 01:24:45,951
So they are gonna
hire ya'll hookers...
1959
01:24:45,953 --> 01:24:47,923
[laughs]
1960
01:24:48,219 --> 01:24:49,289
Del Motto...
1961
01:24:49,291 --> 01:24:52,025
Oop, oh, she locked him in.
1962
01:24:52,027 --> 01:24:53,960
Sorry, I just...
1963
01:24:53,962 --> 01:24:55,928
Katya ruined the whole movie.
1964
01:24:55,930 --> 01:24:58,533
Hey, ya'll, we in Russia.
It's over there.
1965
01:25:01,636 --> 01:25:02,568
And cut.
1966
01:25:02,570 --> 01:25:04,236
- For real.
- It's a cut.
1967
01:25:04,238 --> 01:25:05,574
- Nice job.
- Nice job.
1968
01:25:05,576 --> 01:25:10,576
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