Original subtitles

The royal physicians have the king's permission

to see the Prince on his birthday!

Prince.

Princey!

Prince.

You schmuck, up, up, up.

Happy birthday, sire.

♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Princey ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday, sire.

Where's my doggy?

Where's my teddy bear?

But Your Highness, today you are 21.

It is time to put away your childish toys.

Today you must become a man.

You want to be a schmuck all your life?

You realize the great world that you must conquer?

Walking forward, unlike Cyrano, whose Bergerac was below

the empathy of his Babaskis?

Sticking it in places where it didn't belong.

Oh, oh, okay.

Okay, you're the doctors.

What do I have to do?

Glad you asked that question.

♪ If all your lovers like your clothes are mix and match ♪

♪ And it fast becoming clearer ♪

♪ That you better start from scratch ♪

♪ We're in the business ♪

♪ Of making things much brighter than they seem ♪

♪ We're in your corner, up your alley ♪

♪ By your side, and on your team ♪

♪ It doesn't matter that you're young and quite naive ♪

♪ We have a present that most princes ♪

♪ Would be happy to receive ♪

♪ And dear young highness, we'll help you ♪

♪ If you give us half a chance ♪

♪ We're at your service, up and coming ♪

♪ On the job and in our pants ♪

♪ Experts appointed by your father ♪

♪ Sexperts, we hardly even bother with details ♪

The whole thing is a product of inspection,

allowing those people to get in there and then get out

and then getting in and getting out.

This in and out is alright.

This up and down shit's for the birds.

Shall I say,

"Goodnight, sweet Prince.

"Parting is such sorrow?"

Parting is what you want.

Let them get it open then get in there.

Even the amoeba, when he feels lonely,

he goes in the corner, rub a dub dub and there's two of him.

♪ We're Dr. Mustache, Dr. Ears, and Dr. Eyes ♪

♪ We were in prison for malpractice ♪

♪ When there came a big surprise ♪

♪ The King released us to educate his son and ever since ♪

♪ We're been the wise men of the kingdom ♪

♪ But we can't wise up the Prince ♪

♪ It is imperative our mission doesn't fail ♪

♪ Because His Majesty informs us the alternative is jail ♪

♪ But we have not met with success ♪

♪ Although we tried most everything ♪

♪ We have our hearts on the fire and our asses in a sling ♪

♪ Sexperts with medical tradition ♪

♪ Experts on every weird position you can name ♪

They only make semen white and urine yellow

so that you know whether you're coming or going.

You have to sire an heir and you cannot do that

by just fucking a pillow.

I remember when I was 21, my hand was in a bandaid.

I was crippled.

There was nobody around for me

to enjoy the pleasures that are erotic.

Get off your ass, you dumb son of a bitch

and get out and fuck!

♪ Well, it's the time of do or don't, the die is cast ♪

♪ Will our pubescent pampered prince ♪

♪ Become a royal rogue at last ♪

♪ Excuse me, colleagues ♪

♪ But there's nothing more the three of us can do ♪

♪ We've laid the groundwork, done the legwork ♪

♪ Have no fear, we're right behind you ♪

♪ But we're anxious to remind you ♪

♪ That the rest is up to you ♪

Happy birthday, dear noble Prince.

Today you are 21!

21 minus none allows you to inherit the kingdom.

A proviso, you must be able to produce an heir.

If you don't produce an heir...

We're all out of work!

And even for a prince, opportunities are limited!

You got any royal aspirin?

No, we've got something better.

Much better!

A birthday present!

Hi, I'm your birthday present.

Wait, wait a minute here.

What, I don't understand what you want.

Um, actually my birthday isn't really for six hours.

I was born after 10:00 and,

that's very nice.

You do that very well.

Well, you're no fun.

It's no use.

I'm just not interested, except,

you know, it's a funny thing.

Well, every time I look at her,

I get so horny.

I'm sure it would work with her!

That was the Princess Beauty

who disappeared many years ago.

It's unlikely that she'll ever been seen again.

It's hopeless, it's hopeless.

We must look at the magic manual!

Yes, the magic manual.

When you look at the astrological zodiacs,

just as I myself, who am a Leon

with a Scorpio rising and my moon is in Scorpio

and my Venus is five inches below my bellybutton.

Well, it's better there than in Uranus.

Get the book, get the book.

- Get the book! - Come over here

and sympathize.

Oh, here.

The Prince must go to the Land of the Fairies!

It is there he will find the cure!

How will I know when I'm entering the Land of the Fairies?

You don't have to know, they'll know

and once you have found yourselves in the mortal swim

of the spermatoza, get my Albert...

It will say,

"Land of the Fairies."

What do you think?

I'll get a horse and some guards to accompany you.

No!

I go alone and on foot.

How much time do I have?

If you don't get back by Thursday, you're not a prince.

Yeah and you'll lose the kingdom.

Thursday?

Hi.

Who are you?

♪ Well, it's not as I planned ♪

♪ But throughout Fairy Land I'm known as Little Bo Peep ♪

♪ And a alack and alas, I am up to my ass ♪

♪ In smelly old sheep ♪

♪ And when first I found out what my job was about ♪

♪ And what I really am ♪

♪ I just didn't suspect how much dough I'd collect ♪

♪ From the guy on the lamb ♪

♪ What a terrible curse and I'll tell you what's worse ♪

♪ I feel sickly and pale ♪

♪ Here you've been such a dear with my bending your ear ♪

♪ Wait, there's more to my tale ♪

♪ I am not known for my shyness ♪

♪ I just can't unplug my sinus ♪

♪ 'Cause Little Bo Peep's allergic to all her sheep ♪

♪ And it gives me the blues when the rams and the ewes ♪

♪ All flock to this spot ♪

♪ It is such a disgrace when the meadow's the place ♪

♪ They should be ever not ♪

♪ Every bad man I date's a glad chunk ♪

♪ But all he wants is my junk ♪

♪ So Little Bo Peep is anxious to boop ♪

♪ No, Little Bo Peep is trying to dupe ♪

♪ No, Little Bee-bop is beep beep she bop ♪

♪ Oh, sheep ♪

I'm Little Bo Peep and I lost my sheep

and don't know where to find them.

Well, leave them alone.

They'll come home.

Wagging their tails behind them, probably.

If I could trust you, I'd tell you my trouble.

Oh, you can trust me, little feller.

I never see anybody but my sheep anyway.

You see, I'm a prince and I'm in deep trouble.

Oh, I never met a prince before.

Oh, what a relief those sheep are so hairy.

To tell you the truth, I kind of miss my teddy bear.

Oh, you like animals, too?

I'm glad.

What's your trouble?

Tell me.

If I can't produce an heir, I lose my kingdom.

What's the matter?

Can't you cum?

Where you going?

I think I can help you.

You can?

Look, it's not your fault.

Well, you see, it never works,

except when I look at a painting

of the Princess of my dreams.

See, I'm sure it would work with her,

but if I don't prove my manhood by Thursday,

I'll lose my kingdom!

You ought to go to the old lady who lives in a shoe.

She'll know what to do.

Oh, Tommy, good day, what a glorious day.

You know, the girls are open for business,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, it's wonderful, it's wonderful madam, Gussie Gander.

Oh, I could just kiss your privates and grovel at your loins

to give me this big opportunity and work.

Thank you so much.

I'll get business for us, I promise.

Well, thank you, Tommy.

You just do a good job

and make Gussie real proud of you, okay?

Oh, I will, Madam Gussie, I will.

I'll get the suckers in here, believe me.

You just keep us filled, huh?

In a manner of speaking, I will.

Well, good luck.

Oh, boy, what an opportunity.

Working the door in a classy joint

like this for Madam Gussie Gander.

Here comes a couple of live ones.

Excuse me, young man, excuse me.

Take one or two steps forward, friends.

Your bodies will naturally follow you.

You see, what you're standing in front of right now

is your basic shoe of pleasure.

Isn't that wonderful?

Say yes, it makes me feel good.

I couldn't help but notice when you gentlemen walk up

that each of you wear packing your basic Saturday night

special if you know what I mean.

Well by golly, this is for those with a hot member,

a tired member, a member that itch, ache, burns,

swells or throbs.

It's a truly amazing place.

It's a veritable Fairy Land of fondling, feeling,

flogging, flaying, and some general good fooling around,

if you know what I mean.

Inside you've got your Snow White

and the seven little people and what they're doing to

that girl is nobody's business but their own.

You're gonna see that inside.

You ever hear of Little Red Riding Hood?

You'll get a chance to ride our eight furlongs tonight,

so why don't you go right inside?

It's only gonna cost you a couple of drachma, fellows.

You'll have the time of your life and you'll thank me

for it the longest day you will.

Step right in.

You're not interested?

You say,

"Wait, look at the nice piece of merchandise I have here."

By golly, that is your basic blender.

That's for your icings, for your sautes, for your fondues.

You'll thank me for it.

Here, turn it right around on the other side,

it's your Chopomatic for your chopped nuts,

your chopped ice, your salads, your slaws.

Stiffs.

How about you, sir?

You want to go inside?

Look, I've got a nice piece of merchandise for you.

Eight by 10 glossies shrunken to make them pocket sized.

Take these into the privacy of your own home

and what you do there, sir,

is nobody's business but your own.

Now, you know why they call her Mother Goose.

Look at that one.

Isn't that amazing?

That's Little Miss Muffet sitting on her tuffet.

Here she is sitting on Mother Goose's tuffet,

and there's Little Miss Muffet just straight

out camping on the peg.

Isn't that something, huh?

Gets you a little randy, doesn't it, to watch it?

Look, it's $4 for the set.

$2 for the set.

Oh, Sirus, I'm so glad you're back!

Hey, baby!

No, Sirus, no.

No thank you, no.

Now, now, Gussie, don't be so ungrateful.

If it wasn't for me, you'd still be on food stamps.

Just a little old lady in this shoe had

so many children she didn't know what to do.

Until old Sirus showed you, didn't I?

Yes, Sirus, yes, you did teach my girls the tricks

of the trade but you'll get your cut.

Not on everything.

Sirus, I don't turn tricks for anybody.

Say, I wonder whatever happened to Little Miss Muffet.

I saw her in Chicago about a month ago.

She's working the Red Slipper now.

Oh, she had some act, didn't she?

Yes, yes, a whole mouthful.

Going down?

Yes, second floor, please.

Always something new, like I said.

Always something new.

The first elevator shoe.

This is our new attraction, the Snow White Room.

♪ I'm sequestered in a shanty ♪

♪ Acting as a maiden aunty ♪

♪ To a bunch of munchkin gigolos ♪

♪ Stuck with seven ittie bitties ♪

♪ Each no taller than my titties ♪

♪ Every secret everybody knows ♪

♪ So let me tell you all about ♪

♪ The seven little wonders of my world ♪

♪ These few years I'll spend in clover ♪

♪ 'Til the honey moon is over ♪

♪ And I've ceased to be their buttercup ♪

♪ Though they aren't the tallest breed, sir ♪

♪ I believe you will concede, sir ♪

♪ Once you've come to see my seven up ♪

♪ And then you'll know the secret of ♪

♪ The seven little wonders of my world ♪

♪ In my humblest opinion it's heaven ♪

♪ If you can multiply sex by seven ♪

♪ When they call me for a date, hey ♪

♪ I get a ready for an eight way ♪

♪ Seven hungry little mouths to kiss ♪

♪ You might think it's quite off beat but ♪

♪ Fondling fourteen little feet but ♪

♪ I think paradise must be like this ♪

♪ And though it's not a real polite thing ♪

♪ It's my seven times a night thing ♪

♪ With the seven wonders of my world ♪

♪ Seven comes eleven and I'm out like a light ♪

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the fairest of them all?

Well, certainly not you, you ugly bitch.

And this is the Mirror Room.

What's that, Quasimodo's momma?

What you see ain't what you get.

Upon further reflection, I'd buy a piece of that action.

We gonna have to leave already, huh?

Going down?

Top floor, please.

What's up there?

The Star Room.

Voila.

It's locked.

You bet your sweet little codpiece it's locked.

What's so hot about this room?

Hell, I don't get a chance to see nothing.

Oh, you're absolutely right.

You don't get a chance to see nothing.

You keep it locked forever?

Oh, no, no, no, no,

just until the right offer comes along.

No, no!

Oh, no, oh, please, oh, no, no, no.

Oh, please, no.

You don't understand.

This isn't my way, oh, gib.

Oh, you're hopeless.

I've been trying to turn you on all day

and all you could do is lie here and moan.

Oh, get away from me.

Honestly, can I help it if there was no water up the hill?

Water?

You really think I went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water?

Well, I simply can't imagine what else.

God, I don't believe it.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Hi, who are you?

I'm Jill from up the hill.

Want to fool around?

No, I have a jester.

He does all my fooling around for me.

Oh.

I'm a prince.

Try to control yourself.

Have we met before?

- Oh, yes... - Say, you know,

the best thing is just don't bother with them.

Well, you're a lovely couple and I could go on talking

to you all day, but I'm on a quest.

Yes, a very, very important quest

and I'm gonna resume questing.

Oh, young man!

Hey, my man, Tommy Tucker.

What's jumping off?

Say, how did you make out in that land deal

where you sold the land to Old King Cole, your boss?

He's complaining about that.

What's he complaining about?

He's complaining because the land is

under 20 feet of water in the Everglades.

Oh, boy, why'd you tell him?

I says,

"Schumck, look at all the money you saved.

"You don't gotta put a pool in."

Some people are never happy.

I get the same beefs.

I sell some vibrators to some airline stewardesses

the other night, they want their money back.

Claimed it chipped their teeth.

It's hard to make a buck, man.

I know, it's terrible.

What brings you to these parts tonight?

Checking out some new fluff for the King.

Well, we got some loose stuff inside.

- Do you? - Maybe you want

to take a look.

We got all new attractions, go in.

Oh, what a warm and wonderful human being he is.

The King sends his greetings.

Yeah, if that's all he sent,

you tell that fat ass King Cole...

Hey, hey, hey, featherhead.

That's the King you're talking about.

You keep talking that way, you're gonna be wearing

that codpiece around your nose.

Now, His Majesty always sends a small tribute

in memory of the last time that he was

in this elegant establishment you got here

and this time he sent this.

Thank you.

Small change?

What did we give him last time, one of the seven dwarves?

- Hey... - Excuse me.

He's just kidding.

Tell His Majesty that I most humbly thank him.

His Majesty would like to know

what you got for his pleasure tonight

and His Majesty also told me to tell you

that if you could possibly arrange a virgin,

he would not be adverse to giving a little extra schmear,

if you know what I mean.

Hi.

Gotsy sent me from the Shoe of Pleasure.

Oh, Gotsy sent you.

What's your name?

Scheherazade.

Scheherazade?

From the Arabian Nights?

From many Arabian nights.

And what do you have in your urn?

Just oil from Arabia.

What do you do with your oil?

I have a special way of pleasing a man.

Yes.

Can you help me?

What seems to be your problem, young lady?

I'm Little Bo Peep and I lost my sheep.

And you don't know where to find them.

And I don't know where to find them.

Well, they're just inside

with two business men from Detroit.

$3 sure time the sheep are paying for the towels.

Say young lady, look, while you're here,

maybe you want to stop inside and get a job.

You know, we're always looking for a new animal act

and speaking of animal acts, it's looks like a lot

of horsemen rode into that valley of fatigue.

You know, let me just look at this.

I can read bruises, you know.

You can really read bruises?

Mmhmm.

I can't tell anything about the future,

but I can tell what you did last night.

Let's, okay, look, you go inside.

You tell Gussie, she's the boss,

you want a job working under me.

Go right in.

I didn't know Kojak had a twin brother.

Lovely girl, lovely piece of meat.

And then, I met this prince in the woods, you know.

I didn't know King Cole had any kids.

Oh, no, he's not from here.

He's from a far away land and he has a curse on him.

What kind of a curse?

Well, you see, it's like this.

A long time ago...

It's a king's ransom if you do it right, Sirus.

Right, that's the only way I know how.

But of course.

There's a prince walking in the woods

who has a hell of a problem with the ladies

and I think that if we solve his problem,

we'll cut into a fortune that you wouldn't believe.

♪ Today my life has shown me a kind of lonely ♪

♪ I never knew ♪

♪ My days have been a fable with me unable ♪

♪ To tell the false from true ♪

♪ I know I'll meet somebody ♪

♪ And yet I don't know where ♪

♪ I'm hoping that somebody learns to care, wants to share ♪

♪ So world, please be forgiving ♪

♪ If I view living a different way ♪

♪ I'll find some strength to borrow ♪

♪ And face tomorrow today ♪

Hey, you, you!

Prince with the sex problem.

That's me, but how did you know?

Little old birdy kind of whispered in my ear.

But come on now, we're going on down the yellow brick road

where Peter Pan learned to fly and Olive Oil and Popeye

and Tinklebell was tinkle-ized.

Come on, now.

We're going on down the yellow brick road.

Um,

what are you talking about?

I'm talking about the Shoe of Pleasure.

The Shoe of Pleasure?

Little Bo Peep told me about the Shoe of Pleasure!

Who are you?

Sirus is my name and pimpin' is my game.

Pimpin', pimpin', what kind of a game is pimpin'?

Oh, pimpin', pimpin'!

Isn't there where a team dressed in blue kick a large squash

and you have another team that has a great deal of pimpin'?

No, man!

Pimp, I'm a pimp!

What's a pimp?

Pimp, P-I-M-P.

Person for the Improvement of Men's Pee-Pee Problems.

Sort of like a social worker.

Maybe you can help me.

Sure I can.

Come on now, we're going on down the yellow brick road.

Come on, Princey, I'm taking you to the place

where Pinocchio had his first nose job.

I mean, this is where it's at, where I'm gonna fix you.

Hello, Tommy, what's happening, baby?

- Give me some, oh. - Sirus!

Come on, now.

You alright, I love you, too.

Come here, Tommy, I want you to meet the Princey here.

Hey, Prince, you're traveling with the right man.

We call him the Soul of the Shoe.

Sirus, how have you been?

How's things on the street?

It's mellow!

It's great, you know, but let me tell you

about my friend Princey here.

Princey got the Humpty Dumpty-it is, you know?

All the king's horses and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty up again.

I mean, we gonna fix him up.

Tell him about the place now.

Little dangle in your dingle, Prince?

That what's wrong, huh?

Little flaccid in the old member, huh?

We have a girl inside up on the third floor.

By golly, you're gonna meet her in a moment.

You're gonna thank Sirus and I

for this the longest day you live.

She'll clean your clock, my Prince.

She'll put a little starch in the old wee-wee,

if you know what I mean.

Now, when you go in there, all your troubles will be over

because Snow White and her seven little friends

have never failed to turn on a gentleman caller.

I'll try.

You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Okay?

- Hey. - Alright, momma.

We did it.

Didn't work.

If at first you don't succeed...

Try, baby, try it again.

That's good.

♪ It's when we love a man sincerely ♪

♪ That we will treat him so severely ♪

♪ I'll even tie him drastically ♪

♪ If he's as frightened of you as he is frightened of me ♪

♪ It's so amusing to be abusing ♪

♪ And so we beat him, Daddy, eight to the bar ♪

♪ It doesn't matter if he's massive ♪

♪ So long as he learns to be passive ♪

♪ It's such a novel thing to see ♪

♪ When he is groveling for you and he is groveling for me ♪

♪ But they turn ashen when we keep lashin' ♪

♪ We really beat him, Daddy, eight to the bar ♪

♪ Oh, Daddy we're gonna tan your hide 'til it's brown ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo Daddy ♪

♪ We'll turn you on so don't turn us down ♪

♪ Some guys think it's kind of sparky ♪

♪ That we make sex a matriarchy ♪

♪ It's as astounding as can be ♪

♪ They want a pounding from you ♪

♪ They want a pounding from me ♪

♪ It's so amusing to be abusing ♪

♪ And we so beat him, Daddy, two, four, six, and eight ♪

♪ To the bar ♪

That was fantastic!

But it didn't work.

This look like a job

for Aunt La Voh and her love potion.

Hey, Peeping Tom.

Oh, Tommy Tucker.

Back for another evening of visual delights,

as it were, hmm?

- Oh. - Shame on you

but we have something new for you

up in our Leather and Latex suite.

Picture if you can a young girl, 19 years of age,

flashing white alabaster thighs and she had Gussie set

up a Siberian torture post in the Leather

and Latex Suite and she said that she'd be tied to it

and that we give her a sound birching on the fleshy parts

of her thighs, if you know what I mean.

Would you like to what that?

Is everyone having a good time?

Oh, hello.

Snow White.

Hi!

Where are the dwarves?

Oh, it was past their bedtime.

I tucked them in.

Oh, and the sheep?

I lost them again.

- Again? - Have you thought

of looking for another job?

Would you like some hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, yes!

Such a nice party.

King Cole, gentlemen, you're here for the big party.

I bid you welcome to our humble house of pleasure.

King, let me kiss your thing.

It's his ring.

It's a ring, schumck.

You kiss what you want I'll kiss what I want.

King, I meant to mention to you,

I was passing your castle the other day, you know,

and I noticed it's a little rundown,

a little going to seed, as we say.

You know, in addition to being a doorman,

I do represent the ACME Aluminum Siding and School

of the Dance, you know, located over in the valley.

We could do a nice job of siding plus throw in free

of any charge aluminum storm windows and doors

and some nice cyclone fencing I think you'd like that.

Later, later, later.

King's here on royal business.

Oh, yeah.

The party's just beginning.

You go inside, gentlemen.

I know the girls are waiting for you, King.

Thanks for gracing our humble court.

Such a warm king.

Aunt La Voh, Aunt La Voh!

I know she's got to be around here somewhere.

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ You've got to trust your mystic mama ♪

♪ She's gonna lay her magic on ya ♪

♪ With just a funky incantation ♪

♪ You're gonna be a love sensation ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ You'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ You can feel it, baby ♪

♪ Come on and feel it, baby ♪

♪ Now, feel it, baby ♪

♪ Come on and feel it, baby ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ If you relax and just get near it ♪

♪ You're gonna feel my witchy spirit ♪

♪ I've got a job to cure your trouble ♪

♪ Just listen to my cauldron bubble ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪ When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪ Now, that I've got you in my power ♪

♪ You'll pass a day in just one hour ♪

♪ I've got a supernatural feeling ♪

♪ That's gonna send your body reeling ♪

♪ You'll feel the magic in me, I'm telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you'll feel how good love can be ♪

♪When I spell in you, baby ♪

♪Oh, oh, telling you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, oh, spelling you, baby ♪

Now, Aunt La Voh, can you just give us some

of that voodoo help?

My friend here, little Princey,

he has a problem with the ladies.

Hand me that bottle.

Pour it in.

Hey, that's Mom's extra dry.

My bloodhound nose is telling me

there's hookers in that shoe.

By the powers invested to me by King Cole

who made me head of the Vice Squad,

I think we're gonna knock off the shoe.

What do we want to knock off the price for?

Let's go up there and knock off a piece.

Hey, you want a molly.

Otto, wait, I think the doorman is gonna go to lunch.

There's a big chance now, come on!

The cops, cool it!

Let's get out of here, run!

Well, good evening, Baron.

No good evening me, Boot Anne.

Step aside.

Everybody freeze!

Everybody freeze!

This is a raid.

Welcome to my boarding house.

Boarding house?

You mean, bawdy house.

- This is a bawdy house. - Shut up, you.

Your Majesty.

Relax, these are my friends.

Have a good time.

The coast is clear!

Everyone can come back!

I'm sorry, I mean, it just didn't work.

The bubbles tickled my nose and the steam ruined my sinuses.

I may never smell again.

Looks like rain.

But ladies, ladies, what would the bishops say?

He just left a few minutes ago.

Oh?

Hey, look at King Cole, just look at him.

You're having a good time, aren't you?

What do you look at?

You lost my act up, get out of here.

Why don't you jump off the chair to get out of here?

Come on.

I have to drink more champagne, more champagne!

Let me ask you a question.

What?

Where's your dwarves tonight?

Oh, it's past their bedtime.

They don't even know I'm here.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

You got a little dwarf up there named...

Which one?

I've got seven of them.

Oh, Cheech, a little one named Cheech, right.

He hasn't been gambling again, has he?

That's right and he owes me a lot of money, too.

Okay, how much?

There you go, there you go.

Tick tick tick.

Everybody going up to the room

what do you think of that idea?

I have a hard time deciding which of you lovelies

to do this with.

Hiya, Frog Prince.

Hey, gonna give it another shot tonight?

Yes, Thomas, as you know,

I must try and find a virgin who will kiss me

and lift the curse that turned me into a frog so long ago.

Hey, I got a couple of good ideas, huh?

I take you someplace else besides this place

because here there's too much things going on I don't like.

Me, I'm a clean living guy.

How do you like that, buster?

You really think you give them a throat?

Try me here, come one, give me a little bit,

give me a little bit.

Come on, give me a little bit.

Come on, oh, yes.

Oh, you belong to me, baby.

You so nice.

Hey!

Get out of here!

Now, sir, this is no fruity bootery no.

This is people of your normal persuasion,

people of your standard, ongoing interest.

Now, to introduce the place,

we have an amazing three piece offer.

Here's what you get.

First, the visit to our Salon du Cinderella

where we have the girls from the Rose Bowl parade,

you know, with the little boots on

and you slip those tight little boots off and you go around

and try to glass slipper on those chubby,

aching little feet.

Then number two, you visit our Salon of S and M.

Now, on your first visit,

you can't expect the girls to flog you.

They're nice girls, but maybe I can talk to one

and have them backhand you goodnight

and then if you want, you can have sex

with some of the ladies.

That's $20 to have sex.

Good, good.

$30 if you want to touch the sides.

Why don't you just go right inside

- and enjoy yourself? - Okay, thank you.

I think you'll become a lifetime member, sir.

Don't worry about a thing, Princey.

We're gonna have to going in, come on, baby.

Just leave it to me, leave it to me.

Now, that's alright.

The man will put a boner on Mother Hubbard.

How's it going, Tommy?

Oh, not so good.

Things don't look very well with you, Sirus.

What's with the prince?

Oh, man, it's like a Great Dane in a poodle, piss poor.

Sims, Sirus, how are you?

I'm glad you're back.

Hello.

How'd it go?

Nothing happened.

That's all that ever happens.

Nothing ever happens.

First Snow White with the dwarves

and the dwarves I've had up to here

and then the whips and then the cockamamie cauldron

with the...

You're looking at a desperate person.

Well, Sirus, you're not taking care

of our gentleman caller very well, are you now?

I got it!

What about the star attraction?

Uh, nobody goes into the Star Room

unless you're talking some heavy money.

15 percent of all I own.

20.

16, and that's my last offer.

Um, let's split the difference.

18 and you got a deal.

Alright.

Where is she?

Oh, wonderful, this way.

Come on, baby.

We'll get up something new.

This is something really special

and by the way, she's a virgin.

♪ Dealer's okay, our fortunes are made ♪

♪ Are going like a virgin and there'll be a blessed event ♪

♪ The day we get out 18 percent ♪

♪ 'Scuse me, my King, good tidings I bring ♪

♪ A virgin sleeping upstairs in the highest room in the shoe ♪

♪ And maybe she's the lady for you ♪

♪ Although it's absurd, I just overheard ♪

♪ That Sirus has a cutie who's a virgin definitely ♪

♪ That means that she's the lady for me ♪

♪ A virgin, I'm gonna have her checked by a surgeon ♪

♪ To see the type I'd like to submerge in ♪

♪ It's in the shoe, I'm known as the royal despoiler ♪

♪ A maiden, I'll try to use the Queen for a trade in ♪

♪ I'd clear the bloody palace and wade in ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been waiting so long ♪

♪ If that girl's asleep, that means she counts sheep ♪

♪ So surely as a shepherdess she'd be first weight ♪

♪ Yes, siree and maybe she'd take over for me ♪

♪ Pardon me boys but wait 'til the noise ♪

♪ Don't hesitate she'll hardly wait would indicate ♪

♪ The hard to get some seafood mama ♪

♪ So join the horn to climb aboard the virgin express ♪

♪ Woo woo ♪

♪ I would abscond to some lily pond ♪

♪ I've heard that there's a maiden ♪

♪ Who's been trained amphibiously ♪

♪ And maybe she's the lady for me ♪

♪ Que bella, a girl who's never been with a fella ♪

♪ I tell you, Otto, that's what I smell ♪

♪ A maiden who's so pure she must be Italian ♪

♪ A beauty and everybody feels it's his duty ♪

♪ To make it with this virginal cutie ♪

♪ She's been a virgin so long ♪

♪ A virgin, the people in this shoe need no urgin' ♪

♪ To try it with the best heart surgeon ♪

♪ 'Cause anybody knows that she's worth a kingdom ♪

♪ A beauty and everybody feels it's his duty ♪

♪ To make it with this virginal cutie ♪

♪ Who's been a virgin too long ♪

♪ Been a virgin too long ♪

Boy, I can't wait to see her.

But no touching.

You have my royal word.

No, I mean you, Sirus.

Oh, for 18 percent of the royal exchequer,

I'd give up pussy for life, if I have to that is.

Are you ready?

I'm ready, I'm ready.

And here we have our star attraction.

Here we go.

Uh,

I want you to know that I really appreciate this.

You are shy, aren't you?

You know these things take time.

See for a minute, I thought it was gonna turn out

to be my dream Princess.

Well, I guess you can't hope for too much.

Sirus, I want you to know how grateful I am,

how much I really appreciate everything that you've done,

but I know who I want and as long as any time,

as long as there's a chance, I'm gonna find her.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute!

Just think, a virgin.

I know she's here, but where?

Never fear, my nose is here.

Wait.

Simp, you just blew 18 percent of a kingdom!

She's on the top floor.

Top floor!

Going down?

I never go down.

I always go up!

You stay here, I'll go after him.

But, aw, shit.

Sirus, quick!

There's a whole mob coming out of the elevator.

You get rid of her, I'll take care of the Prince.

Quick, out the side door!

Woo, virgin!

Virgin?

Virgin?

Innocent girl?

Hey, what's going on here?

This way, Sirus.

My child, where are you?

Where can you be?

Room, empty, barren, no women, least of all, a virgin.

You said she would be here!

You, you and that nose of yours!

I said the virgin was here.

My nose make no mistake.

You nose makes no mistake?

You nose, sir, stinks!

Eh, no talk that way about my nose.

That's all I got, my nose and this schmuck over here.

You get me in a lot of trouble.

You're gonna pound beef for this and half pay.

Wait.

Yes?

Everybody shut up!

I smell something again.

Trust me, King.

The virgin, she went this way.

Follow me, excuse me.

Come on.

Sirus, quickly over here.

Now, I think it's time you and I had a nice long talk.

I know what your problem is, Prince.

It's that you've never been with a woman.

Listen...

I'm going to show you things

that you can never imagine in your wildest dry dreams.

I don't have time for this.

It's Wednesday.

At 12:00 I turn into a peasant.

Oh, touch me, put your hands on me.

I don't want to touch you.

Kiss me, kiss me, touch me.

I'll touch you, okay.

Come on, kiss me.

Put your mouth on mine.

Okay.

Oh, I want you.

I can teach you anything that you want to know.

I can solve your problem.

No, please, I really I have to go.

Fabulous, you're absolutely wonderful and soft.

- No. - You're warm.

No, I'm a fake.

You're beautiful, oh, my goodness.

It would never work.

It's been so long.

No, I...

Oh, you just do something to me.

Oh.

Can you feel anything?

Uh, sharp pain in the neck.

I think it's probably this.

- It's a whip. - And your throbbing heart...

Yes, throbbing good throbbing.

Listen, maybe we could take a rain check on this.

You know, if you're ever in my kingdom, look me up.

I have a shoe.

It's not as big as this shoe.

Say now.

Hey, sucker.

My name is Sirus.

Sirus what, the sissy?

You know something?

Your face looks kind of familiar.

Where do you come from, boy?

Boy!

Boy lives in the jungle with Tarzan, man.

Listen, I really do, I have to go.

Okay, we're holding, just basic holding.

Okay, now, I'm leaving.

Do you feel me?

- Yes, I feel. - Do you feel me?

Yes, I feel that, yes.

And then your clothes are coming off?

No.

- They are. - Oh, well,

we'll just hold them together like that there

and that's good.

Don't be shy.

You are very shy, aren't you?

My shy?

I like it.

My shy?

We have plenty of time, you know.

No, no, time I don't have.

What's that thing you got down there?

That's my codpiece.

You know, you're a funny looking nigga.

Shit.

Wait, I smell something.

My nose say she's on this floor.

You three check in there

and I'll go in here.

Sure, boss.

Ah!

What's the matter, sire?

Prince, Prince Frog!

Can you feel me?

Yeah, I can feel you, yes,

but I really, I have to go now.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

Yes.

Yes, next to me, yes.

- No, wait! - Next to me.

Oh, no, my Prince darling, no!

Wait, wait, wait!

Come back here!

Where is she?

Aw, shut up.

Come over, I want to talk to you.

I had him so close he was almost inside of my nostrils,

I smell him so good.

You, I gotta wait for you all the time.

You louse me up all the time.

You like to have too much fun, you fall, you drink,

you under the girls' skirts and play with the squeezebox.

I don't know what you do no more.

You louse me up.

You're always putting me down.

You put me down, you put me down, all the time!

I put you down?

When I met you, you was down.

I'm gonna tell you something.

This is not the only thing making me mad.

Let's not talk about it!

Let's do it!

En guard, come on!

En guard, en guard, en guard.

You son of a bitch.

I kill you, I kill you!

What are you doing?

Will you leave that man alone?

What are you doing here?

It's not like it looks.

- I was giving little massage... - Massage?

Wait 'til I catch you!

I hear something.

Oh, I see you!

Come with me, come on!

Ah, ha!

Sirus!

It's my dream Princess.

Hey, Gussie.

Look what I have for you.

- A prince. - I know.

I've been waiting for him to kiss me.

What took you so long?

Not so fast.

You have to turn around first, you know.

Okay.

Oh, you've got to do better than that.

I don't know how.

I'll show you how.

I waited such a long time to find you.

Where's the virgin?

She's in there.

But wait, you can't go in there!

Oh, no.

It's probably the last virgin in Fairy Land

and I blew it.

Well, listen, thank you very much.

We have to go now.

Really.

Now, you remember everything I told you.

- Alright. - Okay, goodbye!

Is everything okay now?

Yeah!

- Bye! - See you later!

Have fun!

Have fun!

Is the Prince in?

Always.

Is he up?

Constantly.

May we see him?

Doesn't look good.

Hi, there.

Now, wasn't that a wonderful motion picture, friends?

Wasn't it marvelous when the Prince met the love

of his life and by golly, you know,

they lived happily ever after.

Now, we want you to go home, tell your friends

and neighbors about this warm and wonderful motion picture.

It's a family picture, friends.

Mom and the kids can come for the music and dancing

and Dad will enjoy the meat.

So you go and tell your friends about this wonderful film

and to show their thanks and appreciation

of your attendance at this theater today,

the producers have asked me to make available to you

a wonderful three piece set of merchandise,

available only to our patrons.

I'm going to show you now that three piece set

I think you're going to want to own.

Item number one, a one ounce jar

of Aunt La Voh's love potion, salve, unguent, and balm.

By golly, put a few drops of that in a loved one's beverage,

she'll probably be on the gear shift

if you know what I mean.

Put that on any part of your body, private or public,

and the sensations you get you'll thank me for

the longest day you live.

Let's call that one item number one.

Item number two,

the official Fairytale Little Bo Peep sheep.

This sheep is designed for the single gent,

the lonely fellow, if you know what I mean,

and what you do with that in the privacy

of your own home is nobody's business but your own.

Let's call that one item number two.

Item number three, isn't this wonderful?

That's your official codpiece as worn

by Sirus in this motion picture.

Friends, that is an amazing codpiece.

It's ideal for dining and disco, desk or den.

By golly, just wear that codpiece on the beach

or while dancing and the girls will love it, too.

They'll say to you,

"By golly, you are a lovely man.

"That is a handsome member indeed."

You'll thank me for that.

That's something everyone wants.

It's something no young fellow should be without, by golly.

Friends, I want to thank you the longest day you live.