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00:00:00,189 --> 00:00:02,886
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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00:00:03,487 --> 00:00:06,030
[squawks]
[blast]
3
00:00:06,151 --> 00:00:10,019
[music]
4
00:00:10,165 --> 00:00:12,322
_
5
00:00:12,323 --> 00:00:15,258
Look lively, ye filthy dogs!
6
00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:17,861
Keel the jibs!
Shiver the timbers!
7
00:00:17,896 --> 00:00:21,264
- Fire the cannons!
- We are.
8
00:00:21,299 --> 00:00:23,867
- Oh, is that what that noise is?
- Yaaarrrbo!
9
00:00:23,868 --> 00:00:27,303
It's high time I split your
carcass from crown to crotch.
10
00:00:28,406 --> 00:00:30,939
Bring it on, Fat Beard!
11
00:00:30,975 --> 00:00:32,942
Fat Beard?
I don't have a beard.
12
00:00:32,943 --> 00:00:35,479
- Distracted you!
- Ow! What the hell?
13
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,046
Jeez, Hank, it's
a game of Battleship,
14
00:00:38,082 --> 00:00:40,984
- not friggin' Karateship!
- Sorry, Brent.
15
00:00:40,985 --> 00:00:42,451
My imagination got away from me.
16
00:00:42,452 --> 00:00:45,254
You shouted "Fat Beard".
What does that mean?
17
00:00:45,289 --> 00:00:46,989
No, I said... Bat beard.
18
00:00:47,024 --> 00:00:49,892
Like, uh, Batman...
with whiskers.
19
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,994
Well, that makes sense, then.
20
00:00:51,996 --> 00:00:55,363
♪ You'd think
there's not a lot going on ♪
21
00:00:55,432 --> 00:00:59,000
♪ Look closer baby,
you're so wrong ♪
22
00:00:59,001 --> 00:01:02,001
1x08 - Rum Punch
23
00:01:03,006 --> 00:01:05,474
Sorry again about punching
you in the noggin earlier.
24
00:01:05,475 --> 00:01:07,009
Ah, no biggie.
25
00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:09,945
Did you just use the term "no
biggie" in relation to your head?
26
00:01:09,946 --> 00:01:12,580
I'm just glad we weren't
playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
27
00:01:12,581 --> 00:01:14,348
You might've sacked me
in the marbles.
28
00:01:14,383 --> 00:01:15,550
Did you just use the term "marbles"
29
00:01:15,551 --> 00:01:18,120
- in relation to your...
- Whatcha talking about, guys?
30
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,688
Hank punched Brent in the nose.
31
00:01:19,689 --> 00:01:21,690
- Really?
- So you showed up just in time
32
00:01:21,691 --> 00:01:23,158
to see Brent punch Hank.
33
00:01:23,159 --> 00:01:24,193
- What?
- What?
34
00:01:24,194 --> 00:01:27,362
If Brent doesn't punch
Hank back, this will fester.
35
00:01:27,363 --> 00:01:30,931
It'll rot away at your souls
like a case of soul-rot.
36
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,702
Oh no.
I-I don't want soul-rot!
37
00:01:33,703 --> 00:01:35,536
I also don't want to get punched.
38
00:01:35,571 --> 00:01:38,105
Oh, relax, Hank.
Brent's not going to...
39
00:01:38,106 --> 00:01:41,174
Wanda makes a strong point,
Hank, so to save our friendship,
40
00:01:41,210 --> 00:01:43,243
I will punch you square in the face.
41
00:01:43,244 --> 00:01:45,046
[music]
42
00:01:45,047 --> 00:01:47,081
Aw, dammit.
Okay.
43
00:01:47,082 --> 00:01:49,616
Put 'Er there, pal.
Make it quick.
44
00:01:49,617 --> 00:01:51,685
Oh, no, no.
Not now.
45
00:01:51,686 --> 00:01:54,888
Not tonight, but someday...
46
00:01:54,889 --> 00:01:55,907
[sipping]
47
00:01:56,624 --> 00:02:01,227
soon... and you'll never
know when it's coming.
48
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,430
[group] Here's to fall 'n' friends!
49
00:02:04,466 --> 00:02:07,700
Yeah, hard to believe
Wes passed away.
50
00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:10,036
Wes is dead?
Since when?
51
00:02:10,037 --> 00:02:11,405
I thought that's what you were toasting.
52
00:02:11,406 --> 00:02:12,673
You said "fallen" friends.
53
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,475
We were saying
"fall" and "friends",
54
00:02:15,543 --> 00:02:17,210
like autumn and camaraderie.
55
00:02:17,211 --> 00:02:18,711
But sure, Wes was a good guy.
56
00:02:18,712 --> 00:02:21,713
We all have
our favourite Wes memories.
57
00:02:24,051 --> 00:02:26,052
Hey, Wes.
Gimme a case of Pil.
58
00:02:26,053 --> 00:02:29,022
- A 26 of gin, please.
- Purse-sized vodka.
59
00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:30,723
Tequila grande, por favor!
60
00:02:30,758 --> 00:02:33,091
Did I leave my gloves in here?
61
00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:35,294
Yep...
great guy, ol' Wes.
62
00:02:35,295 --> 00:02:38,296
Yeah, when he wasn't
stealing your gloves.
63
00:02:38,365 --> 00:02:40,999
I heard he barely left anything
for his widow.
64
00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:43,403
How does a guy who ran a
liquor and insurance store
65
00:02:43,404 --> 00:02:44,737
not have any life insurance?
66
00:02:44,738 --> 00:02:48,039
Someone call Alanis
and tell her that's ironic.
67
00:02:48,074 --> 00:02:51,277
Good lord, that was the '90s.
Get over it already!
68
00:02:51,278 --> 00:02:53,212
- Is... Is that...
- That's Shirley.
69
00:02:53,213 --> 00:02:56,148
She's a huge Alanis fan.
Even dresses like her.
70
00:02:56,149 --> 00:02:59,284
So, to be clear, you're saying
that is not Alanis Morissette.
71
00:02:59,286 --> 00:03:01,986
In my legal opinion, no.
72
00:03:02,055 --> 00:03:03,522
Well, I'm just glad Oscar and I
73
00:03:03,523 --> 00:03:06,525
- have a good life insurance policy.
- Life insurance?
74
00:03:06,526 --> 00:03:09,294
- I cancelled that.
- Without discussing it with me?
75
00:03:09,295 --> 00:03:12,996
We're discussing it now.
Life insurance is a scam.
76
00:03:13,065 --> 00:03:14,499
Now if you want to kill me
in my sleep,
77
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,803
- maybe you'll think twice.
- Twice at the most.
78
00:03:17,804 --> 00:03:19,670
We should have a fundraiser
for Wes' widow.
79
00:03:19,739 --> 00:03:22,140
- We should?
- Well, of course.
80
00:03:22,141 --> 00:03:24,836
Isn't that how things work
in a small town?
81
00:03:25,311 --> 00:03:26,477
Then it's settled.
82
00:03:26,478 --> 00:03:29,613
- [enthusiastically] To Wes' widow!
- [all flatly] To Wes' widow.
83
00:03:29,614 --> 00:03:30,614
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah.
84
00:03:30,615 --> 00:03:32,150
- Well, I guess so.
- Widow.
85
00:03:32,151 --> 00:03:34,517
[music]
86
00:03:35,821 --> 00:03:39,489
Ugh. These new uniforms
are so thick and starchy,
87
00:03:39,524 --> 00:03:42,492
they're practically
Lacey's soup of the day.
88
00:03:42,527 --> 00:03:45,495
- Yours bugging you too?
- No. I gotta pee.
89
00:03:45,530 --> 00:03:48,331
[sighs] Fine. I'll pull over
and you can go in the ditch.
90
00:03:48,333 --> 00:03:50,166
Isn't that the best part
of being a guy?
91
00:03:50,168 --> 00:03:52,802
That, and the higher pay
for no particular reason.
92
00:03:54,673 --> 00:03:57,606
[sighs]
Why is this taking so long?
93
00:03:57,641 --> 00:04:00,376
I can't go with you talking to me.
94
00:04:00,445 --> 00:04:03,346
I didn't realize
you had such a shy bladder.
95
00:04:03,348 --> 00:04:05,202
Do you realize
you're still talking to me?
96
00:04:05,273 --> 00:04:07,451
Go off into those trees, then.
97
00:04:07,452 --> 00:04:10,252
Unless you're scared a
squirrel might catch a peek.
98
00:04:11,522 --> 00:04:13,155
[unzips]
99
00:04:13,156 --> 00:04:14,856
[goes]
100
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,326
[chitters]
101
00:04:24,869 --> 00:04:28,137
- Hey. Brent here?
- I don't know. Probably.
102
00:04:28,138 --> 00:04:29,338
He owns the joint.
103
00:04:29,339 --> 00:04:30,539
He's gonna pop out
from behind something
104
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,541
and punch me square
in the face, isn't he?
105
00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:33,509
Here's hoping.
106
00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:35,378
- Morning, Hank.
- Ahh!
107
00:04:35,379 --> 00:04:36,612
Bit jumpy, aren't you?
108
00:04:36,613 --> 00:04:38,147
Yeah, you would be too
if you knew
109
00:04:38,148 --> 00:04:39,315
your best friend was gonna
punch you in the face
110
00:04:39,316 --> 00:04:43,151
- at any moment.
- Oh yeah. I forgot about that.
111
00:04:43,186 --> 00:04:44,720
Ah, well... all in good time.
112
00:04:44,721 --> 00:04:46,521
No need to rush into
these things when...
113
00:04:46,556 --> 00:04:47,455
[gasps] Aah!
114
00:04:47,456 --> 00:04:50,625
Relax. I was just reaching
for a bag of chips.
115
00:04:50,660 --> 00:04:52,527
Ah, you're just trying
to freak me out.
116
00:04:52,595 --> 00:04:55,263
No, I'm not.
Now, just lean in a bit,
117
00:04:55,264 --> 00:04:58,433
because my new puppet, Mr. Fister,
wants to tell you a secret.
118
00:04:58,434 --> 00:05:00,435
Heya, Hank.
Give us a kiss.
119
00:05:00,436 --> 00:05:02,703
Forget it, Fister!
[footsteps recede]
120
00:05:02,704 --> 00:05:05,407
[chuckles]
This is working out wonderfully.
121
00:05:05,408 --> 00:05:07,241
Yeah, except you might
want to change the name
122
00:05:07,276 --> 00:05:10,577
- of Mr. Fister.
- Why? It rhymes.
123
00:05:11,847 --> 00:05:14,515
Jeez, how long does it take to...
124
00:05:14,550 --> 00:05:17,385
Davis!
Let's go!
125
00:05:17,386 --> 00:05:20,887
Are you having zipper trouble, or...
Oop!
126
00:05:20,923 --> 00:05:26,226
- An old-fashioned booze still?
- Yep. Rum, I think. [slurps]
127
00:05:26,227 --> 00:05:27,361
So you're just helping yourself?
128
00:05:27,362 --> 00:05:30,597
Had to fire it up to see if it works.
Not illegal unless it works.
129
00:05:30,632 --> 00:05:33,868
- I guess that makes sense.
- You might want to get up.
130
00:05:33,869 --> 00:05:35,668
That's right around where I peed.
131
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:39,605
I can't believe Oscar
cancelled our life insurance.
132
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,509
Now I have to re-apply.
What if he drops dead before then?
133
00:05:43,578 --> 00:05:46,480
What if, Heaven forbid,
you go before Oscar?
134
00:05:46,481 --> 00:05:48,814
I've never been lucky that way.
135
00:05:48,883 --> 00:05:51,551
Hey, how are the fundraising
ideas coming along
136
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:54,070
- for Wes' widow?
- All the good fundraising ideas
137
00:05:54,071 --> 00:05:54,920
have been done in town.
138
00:05:54,956 --> 00:05:57,957
[over PA] Dunk tank
to help drought victims!
139
00:05:57,959 --> 00:06:00,726
Bake sale to fight diabetes!
140
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:04,262
Barn burning to raise
money for a barn raising!
141
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:07,665
I don't get how burning
a barn even raises money.
142
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:09,268
It's complicated.
143
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,803
The fundraisers all seem
a little weirdly ironic,
144
00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,539
- don't you think?
- You know what would be ironic?
145
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:18,643
A double murder in a small
town with no witnesses!
146
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:21,347
- Not really.
- Dammit! [slam, sigh]
147
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:24,849
Anyway... I'll probably just
end up doing a 50/50 draw.
148
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,653
50/50 draw?
Those are a scam!
149
00:06:27,654 --> 00:06:29,321
Everything's a scam to you.
150
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:31,455
Lacey, I'll gladly give you a hand
151
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,925
if it'll help Wes' widow
and annoy Oscar.
152
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,812
Well, that's great! Oh,
we can do three tickets
153
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,664
for five bucks, or 20
bucks for an arm's length.
154
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,333
Offer not available
to Long-Arm Charlie.
155
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:45,336
- [yells] Why not?
- Oof! [dishes crash]
156
00:06:47,806 --> 00:06:50,342
- Oh, hi, Emma.
- Hi, Fitzy.
157
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,610
We're raising money
to help Wes' widow.
158
00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:55,013
You bet! Anything I can
do to help out a widow.
159
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,649
So you'd donate money
to me if Oscar died?
160
00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:01,351
Hang on, it sounds
like this is for you.
161
00:07:01,386 --> 00:07:04,721
- I was just asking.
- This feels like a trap.
162
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,990
You mean you'd help her
but not me?
163
00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:11,394
Because that's what it sounds like!
164
00:07:12,831 --> 00:07:16,232
I'm burning up
in this stupid uniform.
165
00:07:16,268 --> 00:07:17,701
I think it's asbestos!
166
00:07:17,702 --> 00:07:20,970
If it's asbestos,
you can't burn, genius!
167
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:22,673
I'm going to town for some bottles.
168
00:07:22,674 --> 00:07:23,840
What do we need bottles for?
169
00:07:23,841 --> 00:07:25,708
We need to do a proper inventory
170
00:07:25,743 --> 00:07:29,412
of exactly how much illegality
is going on here.
171
00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:31,048
Why don't I go into town
for the bottles,
172
00:07:31,049 --> 00:07:34,885
and you stay here and test the
rum to see what proof it is?
173
00:07:34,886 --> 00:07:38,287
Because a higher proof
makes it more illegal.
174
00:07:38,355 --> 00:07:40,822
Nice work, rookie.
175
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,327
One... two... three...
176
00:07:45,362 --> 00:07:46,063
Aah!
177
00:07:46,064 --> 00:07:47,930
Three.
Aah!
178
00:07:47,931 --> 00:07:50,866
And how is this going, whatever
this is that you're doing?
179
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:52,734
I'm trying to prepare
for Brent's punch
180
00:07:52,736 --> 00:07:55,871
by punching myself in the face,
but I'm too good at ducking.
181
00:07:55,872 --> 00:07:58,007
- Aah!
- Oof! [dishes crash]
182
00:07:58,008 --> 00:08:00,910
- Come on!
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
183
00:08:00,911 --> 00:08:03,579
- Nobody's going to punch you.
- Better safe than sorry.
184
00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:06,381
You probably should build
up a good face-callous.
185
00:08:06,382 --> 00:08:08,082
Here, let me draw you a target.
186
00:08:09,052 --> 00:08:12,420
- Oh...
- A target, huh?
187
00:08:12,422 --> 00:08:14,889
You just gave me a better idea.
188
00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:18,928
- Better than punching yourself?
- Okay, everyone.
189
00:08:18,929 --> 00:08:20,961
We're starting a 50/50 draw
to help Wes' widow.
190
00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:23,481
There's word going around
these 50/50 draws
191
00:08:23,482 --> 00:08:24,865
are a Ponzi scheme.
192
00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:27,000
It's not a Ponzi scheme!
It's simple.
193
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:28,570
If you win, you get
50% of the money.
194
00:08:28,571 --> 00:08:31,707
- Don't like those odds.
- [sighs] Look, I'll start things off
195
00:08:31,708 --> 00:08:34,943
by buying a wingspan for myself.
Who's next?
196
00:08:34,944 --> 00:08:38,578
Not fair if you can't
even use your own arms!
197
00:08:38,614 --> 00:08:40,914
I heard it's some kind of scheme.
198
00:08:40,950 --> 00:08:42,951
You heard it from him!
Oh!
199
00:08:42,952 --> 00:08:45,987
- What are you gonna do?
- Just watch.
200
00:08:45,988 --> 00:08:48,990
High-five if your favourite kind
of dog is a chili-cheese dog.
201
00:08:48,991 --> 00:08:50,691
I heard that!
202
00:08:54,563 --> 00:08:56,830
Ha! You hit me!
Now we're even!
203
00:08:56,831 --> 00:08:59,099
What?
No way. That's not fair!
204
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:01,402
Fair schmair, buddy boy.
It's all over.
205
00:09:01,403 --> 00:09:02,744
You're my witness, Wanda.
206
00:09:02,745 --> 00:09:04,639
Witness to what?
That was a slap.
207
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,141
She's right.
A slap isn't a punch.
208
00:09:07,142 --> 00:09:08,908
I mean, babies get slapped
when they're five seconds old.
209
00:09:08,943 --> 00:09:11,477
You ever see a doctor
punch a baby?
210
00:09:11,478 --> 00:09:13,221
[beeping]
211
00:09:13,256 --> 00:09:15,816
Are we doing this, or what?
[gulp]
212
00:09:15,817 --> 00:09:17,151
I can't even imagine it.
213
00:09:17,152 --> 00:09:19,618
No, we're back at square one,
like Wanda said.
214
00:09:19,654 --> 00:09:22,789
Well... I didn't say that.
You still owe Hank a punch.
215
00:09:22,824 --> 00:09:25,825
- But now Hank owes you a slap.
- Oh-ho-ho, baby!
216
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,662
I get to slap that big meaty mug
whenever I want.
217
00:09:28,663 --> 00:09:32,081
- This is gonna be great.
- It'll be the greatest spectacle
218
00:09:32,082 --> 00:09:35,218
in the history of Dog River,
and I shall call it...
219
00:09:35,219 --> 00:09:38,872
Slappunchalooza!
[laughs, snorts]
220
00:09:39,807 --> 00:09:42,674
Slap-punch a loser.
Get it?
221
00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:46,752
- No.
- Yeah, well, you simpleton.
222
00:09:50,430 --> 00:09:54,032
Mm, yep, at least 80 proof.
223
00:09:54,068 --> 00:09:59,070
- You've been a naughty boy.
- I'm back, and I brought these.
224
00:09:59,105 --> 00:10:01,172
We don't want our uniforms
smelling like booze
225
00:10:01,207 --> 00:10:02,742
when we bring it
to the evidence locker.
226
00:10:02,743 --> 00:10:06,579
You're really thinking like
a senior officer today, Karen.
227
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:08,681
- Put this on too.
- Why?
228
00:10:08,682 --> 00:10:10,048
It came with the overalls.
229
00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:12,316
...could punch someone too...
230
00:10:12,352 --> 00:10:15,420
[crowd murmuring]
[pounding on door]
231
00:10:15,721 --> 00:10:20,459
[Western movie music
and sound effects]
232
00:10:24,730 --> 00:10:27,665
- Brent.
- Hank.
233
00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:29,533
Lovely weather we're having.
234
00:10:29,568 --> 00:10:32,303
- Fair to middling.
- Radio was saying
235
00:10:32,304 --> 00:10:36,240
we might get a bit of rain
in the... south! [crowd gasps]
236
00:10:36,241 --> 00:10:37,642
[crowd] Aww...
237
00:10:37,643 --> 00:10:40,478
You're pointing north.
Just so you know,
238
00:10:40,479 --> 00:10:42,179
I'm not worried
about your little slap.
239
00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:44,014
You ever hear the term
"slap on the wrist"?
240
00:10:44,049 --> 00:10:46,683
It literally means "a soft,
insignificant punishment
241
00:10:46,752 --> 00:10:49,352
doled out by a simpleton
in a backward ballcap".
242
00:10:49,388 --> 00:10:52,555
Yeah, well, "punch" means
a fruity refreshing drink,
243
00:10:52,590 --> 00:10:57,028
- so I'm not worried either.
- Papaya! [crowd gasps]
244
00:10:57,029 --> 00:10:59,463
- [crowd] Aww.
- Come on.
245
00:10:59,464 --> 00:11:01,431
You okay, pal? Huh?
246
00:11:01,466 --> 00:11:04,234
We've got adult diapers
next door if you need 'em.
247
00:11:04,235 --> 00:11:05,935
I've got my own.
248
00:11:06,504 --> 00:11:08,806
Wanda, what's this nonsense
about Brent and Hank
249
00:11:08,807 --> 00:11:10,740
and the slapping
and the punching?
250
00:11:10,775 --> 00:11:13,109
- How'd you hear about that?
- From your mass text.
251
00:11:13,110 --> 00:11:15,145
Good.
I was hoping that would work.
252
00:11:15,146 --> 00:11:16,379
It's been fun so far.
253
00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:18,314
Well, it's disrupting town business.
254
00:11:18,316 --> 00:11:21,000
I had to wait five minutes
at the Foo Mart because Won Hu
255
00:11:21,001 --> 00:11:23,685
was betting on who would
punch or slap who first.
256
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,822
- Who put money on who?
- Eventually.
257
00:11:25,823 --> 00:11:28,123
So... people are betting?
258
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:29,659
Keep 'em coming, boys!
259
00:11:29,660 --> 00:11:31,360
20 on Hank
slapping Brent first.
260
00:11:31,395 --> 00:11:34,331
- 40 says Brent punches that loser.
- Yes!
261
00:11:34,332 --> 00:11:38,120
Slappunchalooza!
Get it?
262
00:11:38,502 --> 00:11:42,137
Wasting my genius here.
Who's next?
263
00:11:42,138 --> 00:11:44,305
Hey, Wanda,
want to buy a 50/50 ticket?
264
00:11:44,341 --> 00:11:46,676
Can't. No cash.
[aggravated sigh]
265
00:11:47,778 --> 00:11:50,144
[counting quietly to self]
266
00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:52,214
[door opens]
Oh, hey, Brent.
267
00:11:52,215 --> 00:11:53,782
You know what I was thinking?
268
00:11:53,783 --> 00:11:55,717
- You wish you were taller?
- No.
269
00:11:55,718 --> 00:11:56,685
Well, then, I got nothing.
270
00:11:56,686 --> 00:11:59,271
I was thinking
that you should punch Hank
271
00:11:59,272 --> 00:12:01,656
in front of the whole town,
make a meal out of it.
272
00:12:01,657 --> 00:12:03,325
Well, I am always intrigued
by the notion of a meal,
273
00:12:03,326 --> 00:12:05,559
but I'm having way too much fun
toying with Hank's mind,
274
00:12:05,628 --> 00:12:07,626
- such as it is.
- Come on,
275
00:12:07,661 --> 00:12:08,864
we could make it
a public boxing match.
276
00:12:08,865 --> 00:12:11,399
- Charge for tickets.
- Seriously?
277
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,367
I mean, hasn't the boxing trope
278
00:12:12,368 --> 00:12:15,335
been done a thousand times
in every lame sitcom?
279
00:12:15,371 --> 00:12:16,872
Which this is not.
280
00:12:16,873 --> 00:12:18,772
How about,
instead of a boxing ring,
281
00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:20,641
we make it a fighting cage?
282
00:12:20,676 --> 00:12:23,677
Ooh, a refreshing new wrinkle.
283
00:12:24,914 --> 00:12:26,447
That's the last one.
284
00:12:26,448 --> 00:12:27,915
Let's bring this load
back to the station
285
00:12:27,916 --> 00:12:31,585
- and wrap this case up.
- Wait! Um...
286
00:12:31,586 --> 00:12:33,553
don't these bottles need labels?
287
00:12:33,588 --> 00:12:36,156
Something that indicates
what the evidence is
288
00:12:36,191 --> 00:12:39,226
and which hero officer seized it?
289
00:12:39,228 --> 00:12:43,262
I'll go make some labels.
You are sharp as a tack today!
290
00:12:43,331 --> 00:12:45,297
[quietly] Good thing you aren't.
291
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,767
[whirring]
[music]
292
00:12:52,607 --> 00:12:56,108
Wanda, how'd you
build this so fast?
293
00:12:56,144 --> 00:12:58,245
Dunno.
Lately I feel unrestrained
294
00:12:58,246 --> 00:12:59,879
by the limitations of real life.
295
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,381
Well, I need to sell
my 50/50 tickets,
296
00:13:02,417 --> 00:13:05,752
- so I hope people show up.
- Don't worry. They will.
297
00:13:05,753 --> 00:13:07,553
[wind whooshes]
298
00:13:07,588 --> 00:13:10,419
[rustling]
299
00:13:10,591 --> 00:13:14,360
[Lacey] Wow.
How did you know they'd come?
300
00:13:14,395 --> 00:13:16,629
It's a sporting event.
In a cornfield.
301
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,830
Don't make me say it.
302
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,433
[crowd buzzing with excitement]
303
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:22,734
Ladies and gentlemen!
304
00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:27,639
Welcome to the first annual
Dog River Slappunchalooza!
305
00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:28,942
[crowd goes quiet]
306
00:13:28,943 --> 00:13:33,412
Did you all sleep through the '90s?
Fine.
307
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:36,398
In this corner, weighing in
at less than a 10-year-old
308
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:39,384
girl with food poisoning,
Hank "The Septic Tank" Yarbo!
309
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,353
[crowd shouts excitedly]
Hey!
310
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,621
Suck it up, jackass.
311
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,256
I've got 20 riding
on you slapping Brent first.
312
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,292
But if I slap first,
that'll make him mad,
313
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:48,461
and he'll punch me harder.
314
00:13:48,462 --> 00:13:51,462
Hope so.
I got 50 riding on that.
315
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,899
And in this corner, weighing in
316
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,667
at "Let's go swimming
but keep our T-shirts on",
317
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:58,936
Brent "The Cement" Leroy.
318
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:02,439
The Cement? I can't tell
if that's an insult or not,
319
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,443
- but the T-shirt thing was, right?
- Assume it is.
320
00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:08,312
Use the rage, and remember
to keep your chin up
321
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,615
- and your wallet open.
- Wallet open?
322
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:11,983
Want to buy some 50/50 tickets?
323
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:14,319
I'm kind of busy right now.
[frustrated sigh]
324
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,186
All right, no one leaves the cage
325
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:18,655
until someone
has been slapped or punched.
326
00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:21,493
I might need to see several slaps
and multiple punches
327
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:25,399
before I can call a winner,
so get in there and mix it up!
328
00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,597
[bell rings] All right,
this has gone far enough.
329
00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:30,299
How about you slap me first
and I'll let you win?
330
00:14:30,335 --> 00:14:33,236
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you, Mr. Fister?
331
00:14:33,304 --> 00:14:34,839
Wow.
That does sound wrong.
332
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,340
[chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
333
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:38,841
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight...
334
00:14:38,876 --> 00:14:40,843
Looks like we're going
to be here a while.
335
00:14:41,278 --> 00:14:42,678
Last one.
336
00:14:42,713 --> 00:14:45,814
Let's get these loaded up in
the car and back to the station.
337
00:14:45,850 --> 00:14:49,485
Damn!
I-I mean, damn fine work.
338
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:53,023
"Sergeant Davis' Spiced Evidence"?
Uh-oh.
339
00:14:53,024 --> 00:14:54,591
That could be
copyright infringement.
340
00:14:54,592 --> 00:14:56,525
Maybe you should redo the labels.
341
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,529
Like, back to square one.
I'll wait here.
342
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:02,330
[banjo tune plays]
343
00:15:02,366 --> 00:15:04,979
Answer your phone.
344
00:15:05,036 --> 00:15:06,335
Davis here.
345
00:15:06,336 --> 00:15:08,637
Davis, get the
squad car over here!
346
00:15:08,673 --> 00:15:12,474
We need some lights and sirens
to spice up this lame-o fight!
347
00:15:12,509 --> 00:15:13,742
[crowd] Fight! Fight! Fight!
348
00:15:13,743 --> 00:15:15,978
What?
I can't hear you
349
00:15:15,979 --> 00:15:17,513
with everyone yelling
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"
350
00:15:17,514 --> 00:15:19,981
There's a fight, in a cage,
in the cornfield!
351
00:15:20,016 --> 00:15:23,552
Understood! Oscar has mice
full of rage on his windshield.
352
00:15:23,554 --> 00:15:28,040
- What?
- Let's go! Angry mice.
353
00:15:28,396 --> 00:15:29,396
[music]
354
00:15:29,397 --> 00:15:32,364
You go first.
It's getting hot out here.
355
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,401
No.
You know the saying.
356
00:15:34,402 --> 00:15:36,835
"Punch before slap is total crap.
357
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,737
Slap before punch,
then we get lunch."
358
00:15:38,739 --> 00:15:41,908
This isn't a fight.
It's practically a hug.
359
00:15:41,909 --> 00:15:45,412
- Somebody needs to fight somebody.
- Is that a challenge?
360
00:15:45,413 --> 00:15:47,113
Fight! Fight! Fight!
361
00:15:47,949 --> 00:15:50,916
Huh... bare-knuckle
fighting in a cornfield?
362
00:15:50,918 --> 00:15:52,618
Even worse.
363
00:15:53,854 --> 00:15:55,921
Someone's breaking the law.
364
00:15:55,989 --> 00:16:01,125
Lacey! I'm shutting down your
Nigerian email shell game con!
365
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:03,429
- That's not even a thing.
- Hey, Davis,
366
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:06,197
10 bucks says Brent
falls asleep standing up.
367
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:08,100
Ooh! I'll take that bet.
368
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:11,019
Oh, sure.
I can't sell 50/50 tickets,
369
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,272
- but you can still gamble?
- Still.
370
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:15,906
Still!
We left the still unsupervised!
371
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:18,594
- So?
- Whoever owns it could come back
372
00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:20,145
and hide it.
I'm going to go get it.
373
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,814
It won't fit.
The trunk's full of rum.
374
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,249
- So? Unload it.
- You're not going to help me?
375
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,452
Someone has to keep an eye
on that swindler Lacey.
376
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,454
How far away do you think I am?
377
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,456
[grunts]
378
00:16:31,457 --> 00:16:33,657
Ooh-hoo, refreshments.
379
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,259
I'll give you 20 bucks for a bottle.
380
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,963
I can't sell you confiscated booze.
That's illegal.
381
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:39,797
Well, it's not like
you're in uniform.
382
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:43,666
How about you give it to me and I
make donation to the police fund?
383
00:16:43,735 --> 00:16:46,270
- Huh?
- Hm. That does sound less illegal.
384
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:47,872
[laughing and chatting]
385
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:50,008
- I know...
- Pretty good...
386
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,478
I don't think we're the
centre of attention anymore.
387
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:56,313
What say we make this
a little more interesting?
388
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:57,815
You mean bet on ourselves?
389
00:16:57,816 --> 00:17:00,818
- I meant take our pants off.
- Oh.
390
00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:01,852
No.
391
00:17:01,853 --> 00:17:04,887
All right, here you go.
Enjoy.
392
00:17:07,158 --> 00:17:09,926
Please don't tell me
you sold all the bootleg rum,
393
00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:13,195
because I'm, like,
60 to 30% sure that's illegal.
394
00:17:13,264 --> 00:17:15,332
Is it illegal if the money buys us
395
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:18,835
new cotton/bamboo-blend
uniforms? Besides,
396
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:20,836
everyone loves Sergeant Davis'
Spiced Evidence.
397
00:17:20,838 --> 00:17:24,106
They do?
All right!
398
00:17:24,142 --> 00:17:26,842
[Hank] Oh, that cloud
looks like a bunny.
399
00:17:26,877 --> 00:17:29,979
- That one looks like two bunnies.
- Oh yeah!
400
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:31,514
What are they doing
to each other?
401
00:17:31,515 --> 00:17:34,017
Hey, Nimrods.
Wrap this up!
402
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:35,317
Even I'm bored now.
403
00:17:35,318 --> 00:17:37,352
Uh, yeah, we're still
fuzzy on the rules.
404
00:17:37,354 --> 00:17:39,488
Okay.
Well, how about this?
405
00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:42,525
Whoever hits the other person first
will get rum and a snack.
406
00:17:42,526 --> 00:17:43,793
If we hit each other
at the same time,
407
00:17:43,794 --> 00:17:46,361
can we both get rum and a snack?
408
00:17:46,396 --> 00:17:49,697
Mm... for a soft guy,
you drive a hard bargain.
409
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:55,596
[knuckles crack]
[music]
410
00:17:56,870 --> 00:17:58,570
[crowd gasps]
411
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:03,742
The hell?
412
00:18:03,743 --> 00:18:06,278
- It's a draw!
- A draw?
413
00:18:06,279 --> 00:18:08,747
- What does that mean?
- No one bet on a draw,
414
00:18:08,748 --> 00:18:10,815
so it means the bookie
keeps the cash.
415
00:18:10,850 --> 00:18:13,786
[crowd groans] What? This
fight was as much of a shakedown
416
00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:16,889
- as your 50/50 thing!
- Aw, you people suck.
417
00:18:16,890 --> 00:18:19,056
Next round of rum is on me!
418
00:18:19,058 --> 00:18:21,226
- Yeah!
- Oh, sure,
419
00:18:21,227 --> 00:18:23,394
you like ol' Long-Arm
Charlie now, don't ya?
420
00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:25,931
- Karen! Davis!
- Wes' widow.
421
00:18:25,932 --> 00:18:28,699
Someone stole my... art
installation from the woods!
422
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,403
- Can you describe it?
- Well, it's rusty metal,
423
00:18:31,404 --> 00:18:34,739
and it stands on four legs
with a funnel and a spout and...
424
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:38,208
Does this art installation
in the woods make rum?
425
00:18:38,209 --> 00:18:41,345
Why would an art installation make...
Oh.
426
00:18:41,346 --> 00:18:43,815
Fine.
Yes, I had a rum still.
427
00:18:43,816 --> 00:18:45,849
It was my inheritance
when Wes died.
428
00:18:45,884 --> 00:18:48,084
He said booze
is better than life insurance.
429
00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:50,822
- It's fun insurance.
- Well, it's a shame
430
00:18:50,823 --> 00:18:52,956
we'll never find
the dirty handsome punks
431
00:18:53,024 --> 00:18:54,992
who stole it.
Let's go, Karen.
432
00:18:54,993 --> 00:18:58,395
- Wait, what's in your trunk?
- Nothing... dead body.
433
00:18:58,396 --> 00:19:01,265
Really?
What's in the bottles?
434
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:03,900
- Vitamin water.
- In other news,
435
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,769
the police fund
had a big year for donations,
436
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:10,273
and we'd like to give you...
this much money!
437
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:11,908
You raised these funds for me?
438
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:13,742
Hey, I'm the one who
organized the fundraiser,
439
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,311
and we're doing the draw
right now.
440
00:19:15,312 --> 00:19:18,948
- Emma, how much did you raise?
- Let me count.
441
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,049
Nothing.
442
00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:22,418
You didn't sell one ticket?
Why not?
443
00:19:22,419 --> 00:19:24,252
I'm talking hypothetically.
444
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,955
If Oscar died,
would you give me money?
445
00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:29,424
Would how he died
make a difference?
446
00:19:29,493 --> 00:19:32,195
Wood chipper...
brutal and bloody.
447
00:19:32,196 --> 00:19:33,463
How much can I
put you down for?
448
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,798
I don't know.
People are cheap.
449
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,799
Oh, fine,
we'll go with what I sold,
450
00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:39,268
and the winning ticket
for the charity draw
451
00:19:39,269 --> 00:19:41,937
- for Wes' widow...
- I have a name, you know.
452
00:19:41,938 --> 00:19:45,773
...is 000 000 003.
453
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:49,244
- Oh! That's me! I won!
- Yay!
454
00:19:49,245 --> 00:19:50,813
I mean, you're the only one
who bought a ticket,
455
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:52,080
but whoo-hoo!
456
00:19:52,081 --> 00:19:54,316
Whatever.
10 bucks is 10 bucks!
457
00:19:54,317 --> 00:19:55,317
Yeah, but you're going
to donate your half
458
00:19:55,318 --> 00:19:57,820
to the widow,
what's-her-name.
459
00:19:57,821 --> 00:19:59,987
I mean that's what everybody
does when they win a 50/50.
460
00:19:59,989 --> 00:20:01,156
That defeats the whole purpose.
461
00:20:01,157 --> 00:20:03,090
If I give her my share,
it's a total...
462
00:20:03,126 --> 00:20:06,160
- Oh.
- I told you it was a scam.
463
00:20:06,162 --> 00:20:07,329
You guys are the best.
464
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:09,498
Yeah. Even Wanda raised money for you.
465
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:13,201
- She did?
- She sure did. Even the cash
466
00:20:13,202 --> 00:20:15,468
she's currently stuffing in her bra.
467
00:20:15,504 --> 00:20:17,437
Anyone want to buy
a fighting cage?
468
00:20:17,472 --> 00:20:20,073
I suppose I could use it
for the chickens.
469
00:20:20,142 --> 00:20:21,175
[all clucking]
470
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,311
Yep... we should be safe
from the chickens in here.
471
00:20:24,312 --> 00:20:29,016
- Why do they hate us?
- They hate our freedom.
472
00:20:29,018 --> 00:20:31,485
This is great.
There's enough money here
473
00:20:31,486 --> 00:20:34,921
to replace Wes' rum still
and re-open the insurance agency!
474
00:20:34,989 --> 00:20:37,990
So I'll be able to get a
new life insurance policy
475
00:20:38,026 --> 00:20:41,127
before Oscar dies
a horrible, grisly death.
476
00:20:41,163 --> 00:20:43,829
I'm doing what now?
477
00:20:44,562 --> 00:20:46,429
Yet again,
stealthy Hank-o-potamus
478
00:20:46,464 --> 00:20:50,333
steals the delicious marble
from the ancient Brent-o-saurus.
479
00:20:50,368 --> 00:20:54,670
- So now I'm an old dinosaur?
- I win! Whoo-hoo!
480
00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:58,041
Great. Now we have to
wait for Wanda to...
481
00:20:58,042 --> 00:21:00,409
[crash, stomp]
482
00:21:00,478 --> 00:21:03,233
And that wraps that up.
483
00:21:03,268 --> 00:21:05,280
[music]
484
00:21:05,281 --> 00:21:08,330
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
485
00:21:08,402 --> 00:21:10,069
♪ I don't know ♪
486
00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:13,038
♪ The same things
you don't know ♪
487
00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:18,044
♪ I don't know ♪
488
00:21:18,045 --> 00:21:21,045
♪ I just don't know ♪
489
00:21:23,216 --> 00:21:25,416
♪ Whooo ♪
490
00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:27,052
♪ It's a great big place ♪
491
00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:28,920
♪ Whooo ♪
492
00:21:28,922 --> 00:21:30,755
♪ For nothin' but space ♪
493
00:21:30,757 --> 00:21:32,957
♪ Whooo ♪
494
00:21:33,026 --> 00:21:35,627
♪ It's my happy place ♪
495
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:38,467
Brent: Visit us at...
Cornergas.com
38289
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