Original subtitles

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Well, that's weird.

There's nothing weird about it.

- I'm on my way to a kids' party. - Not you, Zeke.

That. Graffiti!

Oh, yeah, kids are the worst.

- What are we going to do? - I have an idea.

- Tried that. - Hmm.

Clearly, this is the work of professionals.

- Or kids at recess. - This is a big deal, Davis.

- I'm from the city, and... - Here we go.

...there's a thing called "The Broken Window Theory."

More like The Broken Record Theory.

Broken windows, graffiti, littering,

they all lower the appeal of a neighbourhood,

- which leads to higher crime rates. - It's just tagging.

Karen does it all the time.

This should stop Davis from stealing my food.

You need to get to the bottom of this.

I will. Right after I get to the bottom of this.

♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby ♪

♪ You're so wrong ♪

1x07 - Scary Cat Graffiti

Brent! Brent! You'll never guess what I found!

That people are more interested in you

when you're excited about something?

No. Uh, well, yes, but I found an old '32 coupe

out in Old Man Wilkie's field. It's just sitting there.

I don't like where this is going.

Come on, we could pick this thing up for a song.

Old vintage cars like this are worth a fortune.

Oh, I get it. So we fix it, paint it, flip it, sell it.

No, we fix it, paint it, drive it, love it.

Man, close your eyes and imagine how cool you'd look

behind the wheel!

Pretty sweet ride, huh?

Yeah, the fact that you fixed this car up

with your own two hands really shows your manliness.

Totally.

Pretty sweet ride, huh?

Yeah, the fact that you put up the venture capital

for this car, and are selling it for a profit

with no sweat equity on your part

really shows your financial prowess.

Damn straight.

Brent, you're not even imagining the right car.

- This is a '32 coupe. - Oh yeah.

- Hey! - You're right, this is cool.

What the hell are you two doing?

Oh, uh, Hank and I are gonna go buy a car

- from Old Man Wilkie tomorrow. - You're in?

Old Man Wilkie? I hate Old Man Wilkie!

- Not that I'm surprised, but why? - Why? Why?!

Uh... I'll tell you why!

Uh...

Okay, you get back to us when you remember.

Hey, wait up!

Damn, I flooded it.

All I know is, it's disrespectful.

It's just a couple of squiggly lines painted on the wall.

Graffiti drives away business, and increases crime.

Plus it's offensive.

It's offensive? What does it mean?

I don't know. Could be anything.

- Something filthy. - Well, I can fix it.

I've got time on my hands and paint in the garage.

Aw, thanks, Emma. See, this is what happens

when a community comes together to help each other out.

And shut each other up.

Wanda, you have to pay your parking tickets.

You have, like, 50 of them outstanding.

All I heard was "outstanding," so thank you.

Let's concentrate on what's important:

which is my better side?

- Left side? Right side? - Outside.

Left side, I guess.

- You're probably wondering why I asked. - Nope.

A photographer is coming to take my picture

for The National Bravery Of The Year Award.

I should be getting that award. I took the call.

Dog River Police, what's your emergency?

There's a kid stuck in a well!

Karen, there's a goat stuck in a well. Go deal with it.

Goats are kids too. We are in farm country.

Easy mistake to make, when you're waking up from a nap.

Well, I don't need an award to tell me I'm brave.

So while you decide which half of your head is prettier,

I'm gonna dive into Dog River's seedy underbelly

to find the criminal responsible

for denigrating the walls of The Ruby.

So, the left side, yeah?

She's a beauty of a car, ain't she?

I feel like you're playing a little fast and loose

with the word "beauty."

- And "car." - You got a deal!

Great. That'll be 1,000 bucks.

A 1,000? On the phone you said it was 100.

It was. But I got a lot of calls about that car today.

Mr. Wilkie, it's Hank Yarbo!

Listen, about the '32 coupe, we really, really want it!

Hey, Wilkie, it's Hank again.

I've secured financing,

so, uh, please tell me you haven't sold the car!

Wilkie! Yarbo!

We want the car, and we'll pay anything!

Nice poker face, Gaga. We budgeted a hundred bucks.

We're not done here. Let's see what's under the hood.

You mean besides a terrifying old cat?

Let's have a little look-see.

- A lot of potential in here. - 'Cause there's no engine.

What are we supposed to do, Flintstones this thing around town?

We're not a couple of cartoons.

You can't expect us to pay a grand for this.

- 100 bucks. - 200.

- Deal! - Stop saying "deal"!

You just cost me an extra 100 bucks.

No, I saved you 800 bucks. You're welcome.

Uh... hello.

Yikes. You are one gnarly-looking cat.

Whoa! Where do you think you're going?

Hey, gnarly, I'm talking to you!

This is Davis Quinton on the dash cam.

I'm about to investigate suspected hooligans

who might be responsible for the vandalism at The Ruby.

Four against one. So this could be dangerous.

- Skip that rock. - You missed one.

Hey, you kids, what are you doing?

We're playing with sidewalk chalk.

Sidewalk chalk is just floor graffiti.

Were any of you kids hanging around at The Ruby last night?

We're not allowed out past 7:00.

- Come play hopscotch with us! - Yeah, come play!

Stand down... stand down!

Dog pile on Davis!

Okay, that didn't go as planned.

But right now, I've got a more important, courageous,

possibly life-threatening situation.

Hey! Where the hell are you goin' with my car!?

I warned her. Uh-oh.

- Davis, you're a dead man! - If I don't survive,

tell my wife and kids this is why they don't exist. Aah!

Did you hear?

Brent and Hank are buying a car from Old Man Wilkie.

- Okay. - Old Man Wilkie!

Are you at all outraged?

Why would I be outraged?

You're the one that hates him so much.

A-ha! I do hate him, don't I?

But do you know why?

Does anyone know why you do anything?

You two didn't date, did you?

Me and Old Man Wilkie? Gross.

Well, somebody must know why!

See if you can also find out why I married you.

- Hey, Lacey, is Wanda here? - No.

Good. I mean, not that I care. I'm not scared of her.

Because of my bravery.

Anyway, I'm here to report I've solved your graffiti mystery.

It's Emma. She's doing it right now.

Emma's not the problem, she's the solution.

She's painting over it.

- With more graffiti? - What?

I'm still not done. You can't judge it until I'm done.

Now I'm done.

Come on, kitty, I've got to get ready for my picture.

You gotta go.

You want to play with the ball? Go get the ball!

How about a shoelace? Cats like stringy stuff, right?

Go get it!

Are you shy? You want to play peekaboo?

Peekaboo!

Peekaboo!

Peekaboo... Hey, it worked!

Bye-bye, creepy kitty.

Ow! Ow! Get off!

No! Not my left side!

When you said this was a '32, did you mean 1832?

Don't worry, buddy, all it needs is a little TLC.

- We ready? - Okay, start it up, but go slowly.

Give it a bit more. A bit more...

A bit less.

I still think we should've pushed it with my truck.

I don't want to take any more chances with my investment.

Besides, we're almost at the highway.

Oh, man, that was a workout.

Yeah, that was my first one. I don't much care for it.

Well, it's all downhill from here.

Boy, that really works out the old biceps.

Are those in your legs? Because that's where I'm feeling it.

You know what's weird?

We have two biceps, which I get,

so shouldn't we have three triceps?

- Hang on... - And why aren't there four quads?

Didn't we just...? Where the hell did we...?

Why can't I finish a...?

Oh, that's not good.

Hey, there's Davis. He'll stop it!

No speeding on my watch.

Aah! Ghost driver!

Whoa... whoa!

Well, you were right, he did stop it.

Um... Wow.

I know. It's pretty spectacular.

I forgot how much I liked painting.

You said you were going to fix it.

And I did. You said the graffiti was offensive.

- Well, it's not offensive anymore. - Ha!

Not to you, maybe, but... Wait, is that me?

Did the crystal spatula give it away?

I-I'm... I'm a bit, um...

- top heavy. - Sex sells, Lacey.

I'm not selling sex. I'm selling coffee.

- This can't stay here. - What? I worked really hard on it.

Just give it some time.

Oh, wow. Look at that.

This is so going on my Instagram.

I want it covered up.

I can't do anything until it dries.

Then I want me covered up.

Or at least bring me down to a B-cup.

Okay, knock it off.

About time! Where have you been?

Stupid Davis impounded my car.

- I had to walk here... - I don't care where you've been!

What I want to know is why I hate Old Man Wilkie.

I don't know, you're a crotchety old son of a bitch.

- But why Wilkie specifically? - I don't know.

Let's file this under "stop talking to me."

Lotta help you are.

I may as well go ask him myself!

And it's goodbye, Mr. Ding-Ding!

Oh, hi, Karen. Geez, you look rough.

Especially your left side.

Can you just ring this stuff up, please?

Gardening gloves, canned salmon,

butterfly net... Why are you building a cat trap?

Wow, you got that from this?

I was a volunteer for an animal rescue group.

- And I hate cats. - Great. Then you can help.

A cat wandered into my house, and I'm scared to go inside.

But I need to get ready for my Bravery of the Year photo.

Can we just take a moment to revel in the irony of that?

And done. Okay, I'll help, but on one condition.

Get my car out of the impound lot,

and wipe out all my parking tickets.

- That's two conditions. - Sold!

Now, let's go have a chat with this itty-bitty kitty.

What the...?

Aah!

Whoofta! That is not an ordinary cat.

It's some sort of a cougar-wolverine hybrid.

- A cougarine? - A wooger.

- How about a wolver-coug? - Get your head out of your ass.

Come on, I've got a plan.

You're deaf as molasses!

Maybe that's my problem with you.

- You have a problem with me? - Yeah, and you know why!

- Don't ya, Old Man Wilkie? - Me?

You know I haven't always been Old Man Wilkie.

You mean... you used to be Old Lady Wilkie?

No! Old Man Wilkie was my dad.

Dad died a few years ago.

Well... that's a kick in the guts.

- I thought you didn't like him. - I don't.

But now I'll never know why!

There's a lot of new faces in here.

Looks like my mural went virus.

- Too bad I've got to go cover it up. - Wait! Stop.

- I hate your mural. - "But..."

But... everyone else seems to love it.

The diner's busier than I've seen it in ages.

- So it stays up? - Yes, I'll keep it up.

Uh, are you Emma the artist who painted the mural?

- The one and only. - Oh, my God. Selfie!

Here's the plan,

I loopy-stick him, you tranq him, we cage him.

- Capiche? - "Capiche"?

- I thought we agreed on "wooger." - Let's do this!

- Don't let him get behind you! - Dammit! Shoot!

Geez, he's fast!

It's like he knew our moves before we made them.

I managed to get a shot away. I think I got him.

Good, 'cause he had a field day on my caboose.

Did he break the skin? It feels tingly.

- Uh... - Let's regroup,

and go in for a second furging...

Thanks a lot, Davis.

You guys don't understand.

An undead driver has nothing to lose.

Well, I do. Money. And time.

And money.

We're definitely going to have to spend that $800 I saved you.

I can't do anything right.

Well, if you want to do something, help pick up these car parts.

Nah, I'll just screw it up.

Well, that's got to be the longest lunch rush I've ever had.

Oh, whatcha doing there?

Just working on a mural for the wall of the police station.

It's a post-industrial take on criminal reform and '60s jazz.

And some leprechauns.

For diversity. But you wouldn't understand.

- It's Art. - You're right, I don't.

But I do understand cashola.

Oh, my God, that mural is so epic.

I'm tweeting a photo of it right now.

Hashtag: "Mural Fail."

Hashtag: "Can't stop laughing."

- Hashtag: "So bad it's still bad." - Hashtag: "Wall vomit."

Hashtag: "Blessed."

I sure do wish I knew why I hated your dad so much.

Well, he was a bit of a grouch. Always yelling at people.

"You drive too fast! You walk too slow!

Music's too loud! Pants too tight!"

No, those are perfectly reasonable things to yell at people.

Teenagers are always... Wait a minute,

I was a teenager when I hated your dad,

but now I hate all the things he hated!

I've become Old Older Man Wilkie Senior!

He was a genius!

Here, I think you should have this. It's my dad's shakin' stick.

He used to shake it and yell at things he didn't like.

I'll give this stick the shaking it deserves.

Close your damn door!

What are ya, heatin' the neighbourhood?

I miss you, Pops.

Yeesh, the only thing missing here is the black box.

Don't worry, I'll have this thing

- fixed up in a montage. - In a what?

In a minute. What did you think I said?

I thought you said "in a montage."

♪ Push it, push it, push it ♪

♪ Push it, push it, push it ♪

♪ Push it, push it, push it ♪

- All right, wrap up this montage! - What?

I said, clean up this garage!

Tight pants...

I don't understand.

This always clears people out of my house.

Ah, we've tried everything,

spray bottle, firecrackers, cucumber...

flufinlumber, doodledumbler.

- Are you okay, Dr. Seuss? - Sorry.

Still a little buzzed off the cat tranq.

I need to get in my house. Do something, Wanda,

- or your car stays impounded. - All right, all right.

When I worked for the animal rescue,

we once smoked some skunk.

Uh, you know I'm a cop, right?

Smoked out some skunks, from under a shed.

What the hell, I'm willing to try anything.

It's been a long journey.

Friendships have been tested, loyalties strained.

- A man once said... - Just take the sheet off.

All right. Feast your eyes on our new,

fully restored '32 coupe!

Did you say '32 hatchback panel-van coupe?

- With just a hint of PT Cruiser. - What the hell happened?

Well, you were so stingy with the budget,

so I had to use replacement parts from the junkyard.

And around the house.

Ah, well, that explains the toilet roll doorhandle.

Are there any original parts on this thing?

- Hmm, gas cap. - Really?

'Cause it says "Cheez-Whiz" on it.

Lacey, I've been thinking. It's your building,

and you shouldn't have to put up with a piece of art

you don't respect.

And because I care so much about your feelings,

- I'm going to cover it up. - Screw my feelings.

With this money, I can buy new ones.

Besides, what do I know? Everyone loves your mural.

No, they don't. They love to make fun of it.

Oh... Emma, I'm sorry, I had no idea.

- So I can paint over it? - No.

But it's good to know my taste in art is on point.

Hey, you look familiar.

She's the hot sorceress chick from the mural!

Huh... On the wall, you have bigger smeebs.

How long did you say this takes to dry?

Is it working? Do you see him?

I can't see anything through the smoke.

I've had three chances to be a hero today,

and I screwed them all up.

Ow! Why would you do that?

Because I can't do anything right.

Is that smoke?

That's Karen's house!

Karen! Where are you?

Your house is on fire!

Davis? What are you doing?

There's a crazed wooger in there!

Karen!

I saved your cat.

Ah! Get that hellspawn away from me!

Oh, crap.

Hey... look at that. They even got my good side.

It's not that bad. It handles pretty good.

People are staring at us.

That's the whole point of having a classic hot rod.

- Hey, nice ride. - Thanks!

- Hashtag: "Rust Bucket." - Hashtag: "Puke-mobile."

Hashtag: "Poorly constructed mid-life crisis."

Hashtag: "Not very nice."

- What are you doing? - Shh, it's better in here.

It's already started.

That's what the "Brrm-brrm-brrm" stuff was.

Morning, Zeke.

- I'm not Zeke. - Okay. Yikes.

- Morning. - Wait, you're the one

- who's spraying the graffiti? - Graffiti? I marked the wall

so the electrician knew where to put the new outlet.

- Why'd you paint over it? - Because...

- it was offensive. - What do you...?

Oh, yeah, okay, now I see it.

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh... Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh... And it's my happy place ♪

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