Original subtitles

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

Well, the FAA suddenly and mysteriously grounded all U.S. flights yesterday.

Oh, thank God, a different news story, said Jensen Huang.

Thousands of flights were canceled.

Tens of thousands of flights have been delayed.

Well, well, well, suddenly ferry transportation.

Yeah, suddenly it's looking pretty reliable.

The scary thing by far about all these flights getting grounded was the

messaging from the normally dependable Trump administration.

First, they said it was a telecommunications outage as of now.

Which, why add as of now?

No one wants to hear, your child is safe as of now.

Then Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy said the whole situation was the

result of a contractor upgrading copper wire to fiber optic cable. So one guy

switched out one wire and took out all planes?

I think that's literally a scene from the movie Airplane.

After... After the FAA grounded all flights on Friday, DHS Secretary Mark

Wayne Mullen tried to calm fears by saying, this is not a 9-11, which he

knew because Rudy Giuliani didn't see his shadow.

Espionage experts are saying that NVIDIA CEO Jensen Wang's affair with an alleged

spy is an example of a honey trap, which is when a beautiful woman is used to get

close to an unsuspecting target.

The technique is called Honey Trap because it was invented by a pimp named

Honey Trap.

Jensen Long agreed to testify before Congress about his extramarital affairs.

Anything to avoid going home.

The Jensen Huang sex scandal has sent NVIDIA's stock tumbling, which is

scaring financial experts since NVIDIA's chips are powering the AI boom that is

propping up the entire U.S. economy, which means Jensen Huang had a midlife

crisis so bad you might lose your house in his divorce.

I like you.

Insiders are also saying that despite President Trump's claim that he didn't

know about the Nvidia CEO's relationship with a Chinese spy, he was actually

briefed about it on a trip to China in May. So this concludes yet another game

of... The Meta for Mining.

Yeah, that's right.

And it turns out it was a trick question. It's always both.

President Trump said in an interview that before he leaves office, he wants

to topple Cuba's communist regime.

But I don't know. Dude can't even topple America's communist regime.

President Trump has pulled JD Vance from peace negotiations with Iran, which was

actually Iran's only demand.

A lawsuit has been filed to stop President Trump's triumphal arch, saying

it would obstruct the clear sight line from the JFK Memorial to the Lincoln

Memorial. But something tells me those two aren't big fans of clear sight

lines.

Next week, Joe Biden will release a memoir about his time as president.

Oh, so now he remembers his time as president.

Scott Cologne was declared the winner of the Mississippi Senate race.

Defeating the incumbent Cindy Hyde Smith, or as it was reported in

Mississippi, black man savagely beats white woman.

A new report shows that Secretary of State Marco Rubio has used a private

military jet to fly to watch his son play in University of Florida football

games, costing the government over $1 million.

And Rubio better be careful, because if there's one thing Trump won't stand for,

it's being there for your son.

Senate Democrats are investigating whether Health Secretary Robert F.

Kennedy Jr. lied to Congress about his reasons for a 2019 trip to Samoa. It's

been reported that Kennedy went to Samoa to spread doubt about vaccines, even

though Kennedy told Congress, and I quote, Pretty

good impression, right?

Put me in the cast, Lorne!

This week, a judge in England sentenced... This week, a judge in

England sentenced a prison to 10 years of Russell Brand.

Jordan Hudson is suing Airbnb hosts for allegedly leaking doorbell cam footage

showing her ex-boyfriend Bill Belichick shirtless.

And this is interesting. Everyone who has seen the video of Belichick

shirtless has died within seven days.

Stanley Zabar, co-owner of the famed New York eatery Zabar's, has died at the age

of 94 after his number was finally called.

Police in Long Island are searching for a man who broke into a gas station and

stole more than $1,500 worth of cigarettes.

Papa?

Pharmacists are warning women not to follow a new social media trend in which

they place an allergy pill in their vaginas. Unless you actually have a nut

allergy.

It makes you think.