Original subtitles

Thank you for coming.

We, we have gathered you our nation's most prominent tech

billionaires. We've got Peter Thiel from planetary.

And Sam Altman from open AI.

The pleasure and power is all mine. Excited

to be here at the forefront of sitting in this room.

Dario Ahmadi from anthropic.

It's very awkward to be here.

And of course, Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk sup fam

Well, listen,

we are here to discuss

an extremely sensitive matter of national security. Well,

you have the greatest minds of our time at your disposal.

How can we be of assistance?

America needs you to learn

the difference between a woman

who would actually want to have sex with you,

and a woman who is clearly a spy. Now,

you all saw how

former Nevada CEO

Jensen Huang resigned this week after he was caught

having an affair with an alleged Chinese spy.

What do you think? The lesson is here.

Yeah. Never did a Chinese woman.

No. Never date a human woman? No.

Never date anyone lest they become the Antichrist.

No, no, Peter. And you gotta chill with the Antichrist.

Hey. Hey, show us some respect. We do a lot for this country.

Name one time technology has let us down.

Yesterday, when every playing in America was grounded.

Okay.

One more time.

The day before that, when Microsoft Outlook went dark.

Okay. One more time.

No, no, I'm done naming times. Look, I get it.

I can't imagine how disorienting this has been for you

to go from these bug eyed little weirdos to being God.

I mean, never in the history of our species

have people as pale and as strange as you.

A survive, and b been given all the world's wealth and power.

My face when I have all the wealth and power.

Ella.

Ellen. Focus, focus. Let's start at the beginning.

Okay.

I want you all to picture and think back

the people you dated before you were rich and powerful.

All right, you have that in your heads.

Yeah. Unfortunate duds. Orb. Just like a glowing orb.

Yeah, exactly.

Now, all of a sudden,

someone very beautiful is interested in you.

Why do you think that might be? Because I have

a great personality and normal human mannerisms.

Not quite.

Because she's comforted by my metal glasses

recording her at all times.

No. She's using me. Yes.

For my body. No.

Now, I know you dorks like charts.

So let's take a look at this Venn diagram. Okay.

On this side, we have beautiful women.

And on this side, we have people who would be interested

in your shared opinions and interests.

I cannot stress this enough. There is no overlap.

So if someone is both of these things, they are a what.

An angel? No, they are a spy, a spy.

And then I'm like a spy too. And I'm like James Bond.

And then the building behind me explodes inside.

Imagine.

Can I just say, I don't think any of this

beautiful woman stuff applies to Peter and me,

seeing as we're gay.

Yes, and we are both bears in the sense

that we seem like we've killed a lot of hikers.

Well, I hope this is obvious, but even though you're gay,

you can still be tricked by a spy.

You know what?

Let's. Let's start an exercise.

Let's say you're at a bar and an attractive

woman approaches you and asks you.

What are you working on, Dario? What do you say?

I would say,

madam, what a pleasure to see you this evening.

May I interest you in an industry secret? No.

No. Mark.

I would just assume that she wanted to sleep

with the man who created the metaverse, as all women do.

Yeah, but they don't. Right.

Let me show you another Venn diagram of beautiful women

and people who like the metaverse.

Sorry.

Where's the circle of people who like the metaverse?

All right, let's zoom in. Let's zoom in and boom.

Yep. It's just me.

All right. You know what?

You know what?

Maybe what would help is if I hand it over to someone

who learned this lesson the hard way.

It's me.

Jensen. Hide your wife. One.

Ladies, when you invite Jensen over,

you know what's about to go down. The S&P 500.

That's right, I'm into BDSM.

Breaking to stock markets, fellas.

Don't be like me. Remember, women don't like guys like us.

That's how we became guys like us. But.

But but I'm like you.

You know, we both have, like, cool leather jackets.

And we could be, like, in a biker game.

Like both on holiday. Go like.

No. Bad Elon. Bad Elon

>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST PHOEBE BRIDGERS,

AND YOUR HOST, JOHN MULANEY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOHN

MULANEY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It is so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live,

ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Well,

you know,

I've been doing

a lot of work on myself over the past few years,

and I've realized that I am happiest when I'm on television.

And what an amazing time to be in New York.

Not quite a holiday. Raining. Dark at lunchtime.

You know, this is my seventh time hosting the show.

It's a real thing. It's exciting.

You know,

I used to be a writer at this show,

and one of the only difficult things

about working here was dealing with the host.

So it's fun when I host because it's like there's no host.

I'll tell you something new in my life.

I've decided my dad's autistic,

and it's cleared up everything about our childhoods.

Have you realized your baby boomer dad is autistic?

He is. That's why

all these men in their 70s are on the news now.

Being like there weren't autism cases when I was a boy.

Yes, there were. You butterfly collecting freak. It was you.

Do you know how spectrum you have to be to rise

to the rank of Eagle Scout?

My little sister and I diagnosed my dad autistic

after thinking about it for more than a minute.

Everything about our childhood made sense.

It was like the end of the movie. The usual suspects. Oh.

Oh. The time he shook hands with a baby.

Pleasure to meet you, baby.

My dad once came in my room when I was pretty little.

He walks in and he goes,

you have a lot of trash in your garbage can.

I went, fine, I'll empty it.

And he went, no, no, just, you know.

He was trying to make conversation

I was for.

I bet he worked with a therapist on that party

starter of a topic.

But don't feel bad for my dad.

He thrived on the spectrum.

He did Roman Catholicism and corporate law.

Rules rules rules rules, rules.

He did. Hostile takeover of companies in the 90s.

He'd walk in there and go, hi, we own this company now.

So if you worked at the old company,

you don't work here anymore.

Also, we own the building now.

So if you had a job in the old building,

you don't have a job in this new building

because you don't have a job at this company.

Because you don't have a job anywhere.

How come your faces are making water?

Awful lot of trash in these garbage cans, wouldn't you say?

He doesn't know he's autistic.

He'll find out. Right as this airs. Now

your baby boomer dad's autistic. Your greatest generation

grandfather was definitely autistic.

Remember the way they would talk about that dude?

Like he liked the same tomato sandwich

cut the same way every day.

And if he didn't get it, he'd flip out.

He killed three Germans when he was 19, in World War two,

and if he ever brought it up, he'd go, no, no no no.

No no no no no no no no no.

Back when men were men unable to speak or make eye contact.

I don't mean to tease baby boomers,

but you guys talk a lot of mess about other generations,

so you're getting it back.

You talk baby boomers. You talk a lot about Gen Z.

And everything you say about Gen Z is actually true of you.

It's 1 to 1.

They're always like, oh, kids are so addicted to

their devices.

Try to take an iPad away from your parents.

Try to take an iPad away from a 78 year old man.

He'll grip it like a smart gorilla at a good zoo.

And they always go.

Kids are so toxic online. Guess what?

My mom has three,

not one three friends who have been banned

from Facebook Marketplace for.

And I'm quoting the email hate speech

in the comments of a furniture item.

And it wasn't for sale.

It was one of these giveaway groups

and it escalated to hate speech.

The biggest critique they make of Gen Z they're always going,

oh, kids are so sensitive and in love with their emotions.

Okay. Do this.

Skip one holiday and then call your mother

and listen to what a cuck ass freshman at Wesleyan.

That woman.

All I wanted was for all of my kids to fly for a little while

so they could sleep in rooms I don't eat well

so that I could give a weird toast at Thanksgiving,

where I leave out one of your significant others on purpose

to ruin the weekend. And I was denied that chance.

Here's a bad transition.

Oh. Thank you. Appreciate it.

Related but not related.

I'm a parent now. I.

I have two children.

I have a daughter who's two years old.

My son is about to be five.

I roll with a lot of toddlers

whenever I'm with my son's four year

old, five year old friends, whenever I'm

with a group of toddlers, art camp, preschool, playdates,

there's always at least one little kid who for some reason

has a very scratchy or hoarse voice.

I don't know what to say about this,

but it keeps being a phenomenon.

Whenever a few are at my house, there's always one like,

do you have water balloons?

I'm like, do you live alone?

Were you almost reincarnated all the way, old man?

But they stopped at voice.

Hi. Are you Malcolm's dad? Did you drive here

in a convertible with your mouth open?

What is your day to day that you sound like this?

I'm the US Secretary of Health and Human Services, and I want

if my my

my son

was a good man, and I'm a lousy man, but I have same name.

Am I good if I have same name as far?

No. Please let me be in charge of your bones and your tummy.

Please allow me to control how your blood

feels in your butt and everywhere.

Stop the science.

Robitussin, when taken during menstruation,

will cause telekinesis.

This is clear from the pamphlets in my rental car.

Share all. Share the pamphlets.

You know what I gotta say? No. But you know what?

I appreciate it, and it's fun to do all day.

But no one likes that guy anymore. It's so funny.

What a predicament to be in.

I had right wing friends. They used to be down with him.

No one likes him, you dumb ass.

Your thing can't be the measles.

That can be your project.

Giving people the measles and hoping they like.

Hey, did you get the measles?

You did. Did you read the card?

It was. It was from me and Cheryl.

Do you do you like having measles?

You don't own? No.

Bobby jr.

What have we gotten ourselves into?

Yeah, I called him Bobby.

I've known that dude for over a decade.

You shouldn't be in the government

if I've known you for over a decade.

I know some wack ass people.

He wasn't hard to know.

When I first moved to New York, Robert Kennedy Jr was like.

He was like an environmental lawyer, right?

He wasn't really. He would just join cases late.

If they were about to be successful,

he'd be like, are you about to win? I'm part of this, too.

And he had this stupid organization in New York. Very.

They're called the River keepers.

That was this big group, the River keepers.

They were in charge of keeping the Hudson River

in New York City clean. That was his job.

That's how good he is at jobs.

His old job was keeping the Hudson River,

whose native fish is tied off, used condom clean.

Now he's in charge of all of our tummies.

And every year he had this benefit he all ask us to do.

Will you come to the River keepers benefit?

It's going to suck again.

Like last year, we would all go do it.

We'd all go bomb every year.

One year I'm leaving.

This woman comes up to me and goes, Robert's

going to call you to thank you. I was like, don't touch my arm.

You know, I threw garbage in the Hudson on my way out.

I forget he's gonna call me, right?

A couple days later, I get off the subway.

I've got a voicemail from an unknown number.

I'm like, oh, what's this? Yeah. That's Bobby.

I was like, whoa!

I got but dialed by the mom from Goonies.

We have a great show for all of you here tonight.

Phoebe Bridgers is here, so stick around.

We'll be right back.

Good evening.

I'm Mike Patrick., And I'm Amanda Front.

Our top story tonight.

Airline chaos continues after the FAA's

nationwide grounding on Friday.

We've got another holiday nightmare

just in time for Thanksgiving.

As a plane from Turkey that was stuffed

with passengers got burnt in a crash landing.

Now, why would this be the coffee?

Very inappropriate.

We go now to our very own Samsa Grant

live at the scene of the crash. Samsa.

Thanks, Amanda.

I'm here on the tarmac where Air Turkey Flight

971 overshot the runway.

Luckily appears.

Everyone survived, but passengers were shaken.

I'm here with one now

who appears to have already received

medical treatment from the EMTs.

Yes. Yeah, from the EMTs.

That's why I have the bandages.

It's not from what I was doing in Turkey.

Okay.

And could you describe what happened?

Sure.

Basically, we had a rough landing,

and all of a sudden, the backs of everyone's seats

just caught fire.

The flames were jumping headrest to headrest.

That's why my head is bandaged. And that's the only reason.

Because of the crash and because of the fire.

I see the flames didn't burn your whole head.

Yeah, just the crown and the widow's peak.

The sides are good. The sides were always good.

But doctors said

they're confident that in 6 to 8 weeks,

I should be able to wear a hat in public.

And come summer, I could go to a wedding.

And no one will ever ask me about it.

I mean, you know, the crash and the injury.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

And what were you doing in Turkey? Say again for me.

Why were you in Turkey?

Oh, guitar school or visiting a friend?

I was seeing a friend at guitar school.

These are the questions you have.

I mean, I'm going to be traumatized for weeks.

I won't be able to sleep unless I'm upright on a wedge

pillow, alternating between Motrin and Tylenol. Back to you.

Oh, you don't have. No, you don't have to say that.

But thank you so much, sir.

So there you have it. A scary scene here at Newark.

EMTs are only arriving now.

Which begs the question. How? That man was bandaged already.

Okay, there was a doctor on the plane.

He was a very good man. He died bandaging us.

Where's his body?

We ate it. So it's gone. There's no body.

So the story holds back to.

You know, you don't have to say that.

Obviously, a lot of confusion and people

are still piecing together what happened.

Oh, here comes another passenger now.

Looks like he's inhaled some fumes, sir.

Sir, how are you feeling? I'm okay.

It was just scary.

More than anything.

I mean, to have such a beautiful trip end in such an awful way.

What made you want to visit Turkey?

I've wanted to go since I was probably 25. 26?

Yeah, that's when I first started

noticing that I wanted to go to Turkey.

Did something happen to your lips? Taken for me?

Your lips? Did something happen to them? Oh.

Yes. Unfortunately, some bees swarmed the plane.

Sully style. I think those were geese.

Why are you, like.

Picking bees?

Just slammed into our plane, and most of us had

the tops of our heads burned and not the sides.

Okay. Thank you. Gentlemen.

I think I see the pilot on the way in, sir. Sir.

What happened? What happened up there?

Unfortunately, this is a result of air

traffic control

being understaffed

and not due to the sharp, blinding pain

that I was experiencing in the cockpit.

No, no. Hey, hey. No, no. Come on, man.

Come on.

Don't do that.

Well, I have you, and we're live, right?

I just want to say to a certain women in my life

that things are going to be very different from now on.

About two inches different.

My pipi long now

I'm. So sorry. To interrupt, but. Will.

This be affecting outbound flights to Turkey?

It's essential I make my flight.

I have a high school reunion coming up.

I need to make. It okay. Yes.

All Turkey flights coming in

and out of the airport have been grounded. Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Okay. A lot to unpack here at the site again.

248 people on board strings. Really? Only six were women.

Here's one now. Yeah.

I just want to say I am not like all of these other guys.

My hair didn't catch on fire.

I actually absorbed the culture in Turkey.

And this is a devastation.

God damn.

Oh. Mayor Eric Adams. This same.

Out of office, but on the scene,

showing up for his fellow New Yorkers.

No, no, I was on air Turkey flight.

I was flying from Charlotte

to New York, connecting to Istanbul.

It's the gift that keeps on giving back to you

and come back. Tell you something.

All right. Thank you for that report, Samsa.

Very scary stuff. Scary. And completely unrelated news.

I would like to announce an eight week leave of absence.

I will be going to Turkey for guitar school.

Dad, did you take your meds today?

Oh, I, well, I don't quite remember.

My dad means the world to me.

So when I noticed him start to slow down, I.

Knew I needed to get him the best care possible.

I didn't want to put him in a nursing home,

but a private health aide could cost thousands a week.

I didn't know where to turn. Tha

Sister is a live in 247

elder care provider that is completely free.

And also your sister.

Now, I don't have to worry about dad

getting the care and attention he needs,

because my sister will do it and I can get back to my life

and the stuff I like to do.

I love my mom more than anything,

but that doesn't mean I want to help her in the bathroom.

Sister doesn't either, but she will. Whereas I won't.

That's the sister difference and siding up couldn't be easier.

No applications, no insurance forms. Simply text.

Dad fell to sister and she will quit her job.

Break her lease and move halfway

across the country to take care of him. Sad.

I'm here. Here's how it works.

First years.

Of internalized sexism warps sisters brain into thinking

caretaking is her responsibility and somehow not yours.

Next, your text arrives, instantly activating her.

And that's it. You're done for life.

See you at the funeral.

I used. To get overwhelmed by my dad's medications.

Not sister.

She doesn't get confused by that stuff at all.

Or if she does, she hasn't brought it up to me

because I haven't asked.

Whatever your aging loved one needs, sister will provide.

Including talking to doctors on the phone,

talking to insurance companies on the phone,

talking to pharmacists on the phone.

Speak to human, speak. To human. And being talked to by dad.

You're gaining weight, dad.

And since your parents will predates their dementia,

using sister won't change your inheritance.

You'll still get 50% of the house.

She's currently deep cleaning.

I like that sister.

Even brought me closer to my dad by giving us something

to bond over during my infrequent visits.

She won't let me salt because she says it keeps me up.

What? Hey, he can have salt. No he can't. His blood pressure.

What's her problem? She's a bitch.

So if you've got an aging loved one,

ask sister to ask your doctor if sister is right for you.

Sign up now and we'll throw in sister's husband

whether he likes it or not.

I just don't see why we have to upend our lives.

Because he's. My dad.

That's why. Okay.

Sister from the makers of you.

Quantities are limited. Sister may break down without warning.

Offer void of sister has good therapist.

God, it's it's so nice to get out of the office.

These budget reports are killing me.

Yeah, I know this hard cider is really hitting the spot.

Oh, that looks good.

I just got a boring gin and tonic. Hey, it drinks a drink?

Am I right? You are right.

Absolutely right. Absolutely.

We talking drinks?

I'm doing a fishbowl.

Oh, my God, Kathy's here.

Did someone tell her we were coming here after work?

Well, no, of course not.

Oh, does this mean we have to invite her over?

No, no.

I wish there was another way to say this.

But Kathy is the worst person on earth. Oh. She's awful.

She's the worst. Y'all see this thing?

Yeah, Kathy, we see it.

Enjoy it. Kathy. All right. Good night.

Be well. Oh, I'm gonna be well.

All right.

I'd share with you all, but I mix in a dose of my antibiotics.

Don't worry, I'm not contagious.

I got a hot red tick bite on my butt from some genes.

I tried on a yard sale,

so to get the full dose, I got to drink the whole thing.

It's got sprite, pineapple chunks, coconut

chunks, coconut cream, coconut milk, whole lot of coconut.

You can really taste the coconut, but don't worry,

no booze in it. Total virgin. Unlike me who said that I did.

Stop talking. Steve.

Scream at her.

Yeah, let's just try to ignore her

and maybe she'll forget we're here. Yes.

Okay. Deal. All right.

Nothing can ruin my night if one of you does carry over.

Oh, I. Scared.

I can't say. Okay, but if I do it, I'm singing Choosing Texas.

Oh, that'll.

Are you talking tunes?

Oh my God.

Don't engage.

We talking tunes.

Are we being mean?

No, she is being mean by being here.

We're talking tunes.

Yes, Kathy, we're talking tunes. Right?

Oh, I love music.

I was never really into it until I got my grasshopper.

Oh, I'm addicted to this thing

for buttons, gray screen and every song in the world.

They got it all. They got all the hits.

They got this one, they got this one.

This one's called crispy.

Oh, I don't think they have big chimes.

Oh, they do have big chimes.

Oh, I don't think they have chirping birds.

Oh, they do have chirping birds.

Notes are ringtones. Why don't you go to hell?

They come down.

No. She's awful. Just awful. No. No, no. But it's okay.

No, it's not okay. It has to stop.

If we give her zero,

then she'll go back to her stupid fishbowl.

So the next time she says something, we say nothing.

Promise? Yes. We promise. Thank you.

Now, what's.

Everyone doing for Thanksgiving?

Well, I was flying.

To Michigan, but now I'm worried with

what's going on with all the airplanes,

so I think I should drive. Oh, you could do Amtrak. Oh, yeah.

I love the train.

I like that.

You're talking transpo?

We talkin transpo?

No one say anything.

We talkin transpo?

For ten.

She does not exist.

We talkin transpo?

We tried this before, and it doesn't work.

We talkin transpo?

I wasn't there, so shut up.

We talk in transpo.

See? She's losing steam. She's almost done.

We talk in transpo.

I don't know, that one sounded stronger to me.

We talkin transpo?

Trust me. I think that was the last one.

We talkin transpo? This is awful.

We talkin transpo?

Anybody tried fighting her? No, we can't fight. Cathy.

We talk in transpo. Why can't we fight her?

There are four of us. And one of her. No.

We talkin transpo?

Okay, let's fight her. Great.

After the next one, we go.

Wait.

What's happening? I don't know.

Is it over?

Did she leave?

I don't know if she was here. She'd be talking. Exactly.

Maybe she met someone.

Don't be an idiot.

Cathy,

did you leave?

Wow. Wow!

You did it!

Well done guys. We did it! We can finally relax.

I just want to make double sure. We talkin transpo?

Damn it! Felt right.

♪♪

>>> HI, I'M CHRIS GUT, WELCOME

TO "GETTING IT DONE!"

THE SHOW WHERE I VISIT SMALL

BUSINESSES TO SEE HOW THEY GET

IT DONE.

TODAY, WE'VE FOUND OURSELVES IN

RHODE ISLAND AT STONETHROW

BREWERY TO CHECK OUT THEIR

MOUTHWATERING IPAs.

SO GET READY TO GET BREWED.

♪♪

♪ WHOA WE'RE GETTIN' IT DONE ♪

FIRST UP, WE MET WITH STONETHROW

BREWERY'S BREWMASTER HIMSELF,

KENNY PASTRON.

WE'RE HERE IN THE TASTING ROOM

WITH BREWMASTER KENNY!

GREAT TO MEET YOU.

>> LIKEWISE, CHRIS GUT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE LINED UP FOR

US TODAY?

>> HERE WE HAVE A FLIGHT OF OUR

FOUR AUTUMN IPAs.

INCLUDING MY FAVORITE, THE HAZEL

SKIPPER.

>> WOWIE!

LOOKS DELICIOUS.

>> I THINK SO, TOO.

WE BREW THESE IMMEDIATELY AFTER

THE SUMMER HARVEST.

>> WELL, HERE'S TO HEALTH,

HAPPINESS AND A LITTLE BIT OF

HOPS.

>> I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

>> NOW THIS IS THE BEER OF THE

CENTURY.

THIS GUY IS A LEGEND.

>> ONE MORE?

>> ONE MORE.

>> KENNY, THOSE IPAs WERE

UNBEERLIEVABLE.

AND I'M FEELING QUITE BUZZED.

>> THAT'S THE FERMENTATION AT

WORK.

>> WELL, SHOULD WE SEE HOW THESE

ALES GOT BREWED?

>> SOUNDS ALL RIGHT TO ME,

CHRIS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> STONETHROW BREWERY HAS BEEN

BREWING FOR OVER 65 YEARS!

ALSO, THAT WAS MY FIRST GAY

EXPERIENCE.

SO LET'S HEAD OVER TO THE

FERMENTATION TANKS, AND TRY TO

FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HECK THAT

KISS EVEN WAS.

SO, BREWMASTER KENNY, THESE ARE

FERMENTATION TANKS, HUH?

>> YEAH.

>> AND WITH THE TANKS, DO YOU --

DID -- WHEN -- WHERE --

BREWMASTER KENNY IS A MAN OF

FEW WORDS, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY

DEVASTATING AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

SO LET'S NEVER TALK ABOUT IT

AGAIN AS WE HEAD TO THE STORAGE

ROOM.

SO KENNY, TELL US A LITTLE BIT

ABOUT THIS STORAGE ROOM.

>> IT'S WHERE WE KEEP OUR KEGS.

>> RIGHT ON.

AND WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT KISS

BACK THERE?

>> I DON'T KNOW, WE HAD FOUR

IPAs AND WERE JUST DOING STUPID

STUFF.

>> ROCKIN'.

ROCKIN'.

PROBABLY JUST COLD OR SOMETHING.

>> I KEEP THIS JACKET IN HERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE YOU,

CHRIS GUT?

♪♪

>> WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT

STONETHROW BREWS ARE TOP NOTCH,

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO ME AND

KENNY, I AM COMPLETELY LOST.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE YOU.

WHY DID HE SAY THAT AND WHAT

COULD IT POSSIBLY MEAN?

I DECIDED TO HEAD TO THE

WAREHOUSE TO FIGURE IT OUT.

>> SO THIS IS OUR WAREHOUSE.

>> SORRY, WHERE IS KENNY?

>> HE SAID HE HAD TO THINK.

SO OUR BUSIEST MONTH IS

PROBABLY OCTOBER.

>> CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR

THREE SECONDS!

AFTER YELLING INTO THE FACE OF A

WOMAN, I REALIZED I WAS IN WAY

TOO DEEP.

SOME OF THESE BEERS DON'T HAVE

LABELS, AND MAYBE NOTHING

SHOULD.

DID THE ALCOHOL MAKE ME DO IT,

OR ALLOW ME TO DO IT?

TIME TO CLEAR MY HEAD IN THE

TASTING ROOM.

BREWMASTER KENNY?

>> I SHOULD GO.

>> WAIT!

>> WHAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

SHOULD WE GIVE THIS A SHOT?

>> I THINK SO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WELL, TURNS OUT IT WAS THE

BEER.

WE HUNG OUT SOBER ONE DAY AND IT

WAS LIKE NOTHING.

OH, WELL!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON "GETTIN' IT

DONE."

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PHOEBE

BRIDGERS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ I SAW YOU SLOW

DANCING ALONE

IN YOUR ROOM ♪

♪ I WANTED TO BUY YOU

A NEW PAIR OF SHOES ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE WALKING AROUND

MY HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE

AND I AM RIGHT HERE

BLEEDING ♪

♪ OH-OH

OH, NO

SO YOU LIKE YOU'D

DONE IT BEFORE ♪

♪ AND YOU HAD TO

BEND OVER ♪

♪ TO GET THROUGH THE

DOOR AND IF YOU DIDN'T

LIKE EITHER ONE OF MY

FRIENDS ♪

♪ I'D KILL THEM, I'D

KILL THEM BOBBY

THIS COULD BE THE END

OF WANTING ♪

♪ AHH

NOW I SLEEP IN YOUR

SHIRTS AND YOU LIVE

IN MY HOUSE ♪

♪ YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

I TALK TO MYSELF ♪

♪ WE'VE GOT

STARS ON THE CEILING

AND CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR

AND A THING IN A BOX ♪

♪ I DON'T TOUCH

ANYMORE ♪

♪ BOBBY THIS COULD BE

THE END OF WANTING

I EXIST ONLY IF

YOU'RE WATCHING ♪

♪ THIS COULD BE THE END

THIS COULD BE THE END

THIS COULD BE THE END ♪

♪ NOW I DON'T KNOW

IF I CAN MAKE

IT TONIGHT BUT WHAT ♪

♪ ARE YOU DOING THE REST

OF MY LIFE, BOBBY ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost. Well.

Well the FAA suddenly and mysteriously grounded all U.S.

flights yesterday.

Oh thank God. A different news story, said Jensen Huang.

Thousands of flights were canceled.

Tens of thousands of flights have been delayed.

Well, well, well.

Suddenly.

Ferry transportation?

Yeah.

Suddenly it's looking pretty reliable.

The scary thing, by far, about all these flights

getting grounded was the messaging

from the normally dependable Trump administration.

First, they said it was a

telecommunications outage as of now, which why add.

As of now, no one wants to hear your child is safe as of now.

Then Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy said

the whole situation was the result of a contractor

upgrading copper wire to fiber optic cable.

So one guy switched out one wire and took out all planes.

I think that's literally a scene from the movie airplane!

After after the FAA grounded all flights on Friday.

DHS Secretary Mark Wayne Mullen tried to calm fears

by saying this is not a nine over 11,

which he knew because Rudy Giuliani didn't see his shadow.

Espionage experts are saying that in video, CEO

Jensen Wang's affair with an alleged spy

is an example of a honey trap, which is when a beautiful woman

is used to get close to an unsuspecting target.

The technique is called honey trap

because it was invented by a pimp named Honey Trap.

Jensen Wang agreed to testify before

Congress about his extramarital affairs.

Anything to avoid going home.

The Jensen Huang sex scandal has sent invidious

stock tumbling, which is scaring financial experts.

Since Nvidia's chips are powering the AI boom

that is propping up the entire U.S. economy.

Which means Jensen Huang had a midlife crisis

so bad you might lose your house in his divorce.

Insiders are also saying that despite President Trump's claim

that he didn't know about the Nvidia

CEO's relationship with the Chinese spy,

he was actually briefed about it on a trip to China in May.

So this concludes yet another game of.

For five.

Yeah.

That's right. And

and it turns out it was a trick question.

It's always both.

President Trump said in an interview

that before he leaves office,

he wants to topple Cuba's communist regime.

But I don't know, dude.

Can't even topple America's communist regime.

President Trump has pulled JD Vance from peace negotiations

with Iran, which was actually Iran's only demand.

A lawsuit has been filed to stop President Trump's

triumphal arch,

saying it would

obstruct the clear sightline from the JFK Memorial

to the Lincoln Memorial.

But something tells me those two aren't

big fans of clear sightlines.

Next week, Joe Biden will release a memoir

about his time as president.

Oh, so now he remembers his time as president.

Scott Column was declared the winner of the Mississippi

Senate race.

Defeating the incumbent, Cindy Hyde-Smith, or,

as it was reported in Mississippi.

Black man savagely beats white woman.

And your port shows that Secretary of State Marco

Rubio has used a private military jet

to fly to watch his son play in University of Florida

football games, costing the government over $1 million.

And Rubio better be careful, because if there's one thing

Trump won't stand for, it's being there for your son.

Senate Democrats are investigating

whether Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr lied to Congress

about his reasons for a 2019 trip to Samoa.

It's been reported that Kennedy went to Samoa

to spread doubt about vaccines, even though Kennedy

told Congress, and I quote.

It's pretty good.

Impressive. And they'll put you in sketchy.

Put me in the cast.

Lauren.

This week a judge in England sent.

This week a judge in England sentenced a prison

to ten years of Russell Brand.

Jordan Hudson is suing Airbnb host

for allegedly leaking door bell cam footage

showing her ex-boyfriend Bill Belichick shirtless.

And this is interesting.

Everyone who has seen the video

of Belichick shirtless has died within seven days.

Stanley Zebari, co-owner of the famed New York

eatery Zabbar, has died at the age of 94

after his number was finally called.

Police in Long Island are searching

for a man who broke into a gas station

and stole more than $1,500 worth of cigarettes.

Papa.

Pharmacists are warning women

not to follow a new social media trend

in which they place an allergy pill in their vaginas.

Unless you actually have a nut allergy.

It makes makes you think.

Well, tonight.

Tonight is our last show before we break for Thanksgiving.

Here to send us off with an original Thanksgiving

tune as our very own Tommy Brennan.

Oh. Hi, Colin.

Thanks for having me.

Of course. Tommy.

So you want to sing us a Thanksgiving song? Absolutely.

Yeah. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

You know,

it's three days of turkey family and your mom giving you tragic

health updates about people you've never met.

So I figured I'd write a little

Turkey Day tune about the people

that make Thanksgiving really special.

You know, I hope you guys like it.

I've been home for 20s barely stepped inside

when my grandma asked me if I'll have kids before she dies.

Happy turkey day.

I see my uncle pour whiskey in his Heineken zero

as my grandpa yells out Chris Columbus was a hero!

Happy turkey day!

My aunt has a boyfriend for the very first time.

And on Instagram I see.

He has two kids and a wife. Happy turkey day!

I walk in on my own goal in the bathroom and I say oh sorry,

that's my bad.

Before the rest of the night, I'm haunted

by the fact that his penis looks just like my dad.

Happy turkey day.

He was fully naked to my uncle.

Yeah. Why?

I don't know, I think he over eight was trying to cool off.

My grandma brought some cookies and she swears they're a hit.

But they're Eastern European, so they taste like really bad.

Appy turkey day.

After dinner, you just want to sit on the couch and watch

football on TV.

But your grandpa has boycotted the NFL since Kapernick l took

a knee.

Happy turkey day.

Still. Yeah. Happy turkey day.

Well, I mean, there's got to be some positive things

that happen at Thanksgiving, right? Oh, yeah. For sure. Like,

last Thanksgiving,

my sister came out, which we think is a okay.

Yeah. Love you sis.

Only problem.

As it turns out, you can still be mean if you're gay.

Happy turkey day.

She's super mean to me, Colin. Oh, wow.

I'm sorry.

Did your sister really come out of Thanksgiving?

Yeah. And it rocked. Okay. Cause my dad. This is a true story.

My dad had gone to bed, so he found out last,

and he tries, like,

really hard with this stuff, but he doesn't get it.

He doesn't know how to talk about it.

So the next morning, he walked into the kitchen,

kissed my sister on the forehead, and said,

your mother filled me in on your situation.

And then he left the house.

Happy turkey day.

Sing it with me, Colin.

Happy turkey day, everybody.

Come on, happy turkey day

two. You call me friend. And everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving.

For Weekend Update. I█m Colin Jost

I█m Michael Che

Goodnight!

♪♪

>>> THERE YOU GO, GIRL.

EAT UP.

YOU'LL NEED YOUR STRENGTH.

SO WILL I.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY PASSED A

BAN ON HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGES IN

NEW YORK CITY?

AND FOR NO REASON EXCEPT ANIMAL

CRUELTY AND HUMAN MURDERS.

>> UH, EXCUSE ME SIR, IS THIS

YOUR HORSE?

>> WHY, ARE YOU A LAWYER FOR

THAT LITTLE GIRL?

SHE PROVOKED THE HORSE!

>> WHAT?

NO, WE JUST WANTED TO GET A

RIDE.

♪♪

>> YOU WANT A HORSE TO PULL YOU

IN A CARRIAGE?

>> YEAH.

WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A FUN WAY

TO SEE CENTRAL PARK.

♪♪

>> YOU JUST TRUST ME IMPLICITLY?

YOU DO REALIZE I HAVE A TOP HAT

AND A WHIP, RIGHT?

>> IT'S FINE!

WE WANT TO TRAVEL AT THE SPEED

OF WALKING, BUT THE ENTIRE TIME

SMELL HORSE POOP.

♪♪

>> VERY WELL.

CLIMB ABOARD WON'T YOU?

BOTH OF YOU, PLEASE, YES, AS

WE JOURNEY INTO THE -- LITTLE

PARK OF HORRORS!

♪♪

♪ LITTLE PARK LITTLE PARK OF

HORRORS ♪

♪ LITTLE PARK BIG AMOUNT OF

ASSAULTS ♪

♪ CENTRAL PARK MEETING SPOT FOR

STRANGLERS ♪

♪ SO DON'T GO AT NIGHT! ♪

>> OH, LOOK AROUND, CAN YOU

BELIEVE THIS

WONDERLAND IS REAL?

BUT FOR ME AND BLACKIE, AND

DON'T WORRY, IT IS RACIAL, THIS

COULD BE OUR FINAL VOYAGE.

I'LL MISS YOU, YOU'RE MY SPECIAL

GIRL.

>> SPEAKING OF SPECIAL GIRLS,

WHO'S THAT PALE SWEATY WOMAN IN

SHORTS AND A CAPE?

>> WHY THAT'S WOMAN WHO'S STILL

FINISHING THE MARATHON!

♪♪

♪ DON'T TELL ME NOT TO RUN I'LL

DO IT SLOWER ♪

♪ BEEN AT THIS A WEEK AND I'M

NOWHERE CLOSER ♪

♪ DON'T TELL ME TO GO HOME AND

RAIN ON MY PARADE ♪

♪ LOOK AT MY CAPE SIR GUESS I

DIDN'T EARN IT ♪

♪ THE RACE ROUTE GUESS I'LL

NEVER LEARN IT ♪

♪ I'LL TALK ABOUT MY SPLINTS

UNTIL NEXT SUMMER ♪

♪ CLOSE DOWN ALL OF YOUR STREETS

I'M A RUNNER ♪

♪ NOBODY NO NOBODY IS GONNA RAIN

ON MY PARADE ♪

♪♪

>> WOW.

WE SHOULD HAVE PUT HER EARLIER!

>> WAIT.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING'S

BLASTING KESHA'S GREATEST HITS.

>> DEAR GOD, IT'S MY BITTER

ENEMY, A PEDI-CAB.

>> THAT'S RIGHT!

AND WITHOUT HORSE-DRAWN

CARRIAGES, PEDI-CABS WILL HAVE

NO NATURAL PREDATORS!

>> IT'S TIME FOR A JOHN HENRY

IN SONG!

♪ ANYTHING YOU CAN HIT I CAN HIT

BETTER ♪

♪ I'LL HIT PEDESTRIANS HARDER

THAN YOU ♪

♪ NO YOU CAN'T YES I CAN NO YOU

CAN'T YES I CAN ♪

♪ NO YOU CAN'T YES I CAN I CAN

I CAN

HIT A TOURIST ♪

♪ RIGHT INTO THE FOREST ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE MOMA PUT

YOU IN A COMA ♪

♪ I HAVE A HUNDRED UNPAID FINES

DO YOU FOLLOW SIGNS ♪

♪ NO NEITHER DO I ANY ONE YOU

CAN HIT ♪

♪ I CAN HIT HARDER I'M LOUDER

AND FASTER AND ON THE SIDEWALK ♪

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SCRAM,

PEDI-CAB!

>> BE GONE!

>> GET OUTTA HERE!

>> YOU CAN ONLY AVOID MY WHEELS

FOR SO LONG, AHAHAHAHAHA!

>> DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE

NEW YORK HAS A POST-APOCALYPTIC

VIBE RIGHT NOW?

>> WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE

EVANGELICAL VAGRANT SPREADING A

MESSAGE OF PEACE IN THE MOST

VIOLENT TONE EVER?

>> JESUS WILL SAVE YOU!

HE WILL FIND YOU AND HE WILL

SAVE YOU SO HELP ME GOD!

WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING EYE

CONTACT?

>> NO, NO.

>> JESUS LOVES YOU, I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

>> AND WHAT'S THAT IN THE SKY?

IS THAT SMOKE FROM THE CANADIAN

WILDFIRES?

>> NO, IT'S THE PERVASIVE CLOUD

OF WEED THAT COVERS ALL OF

MANHATTAN NOW.

♪ THE VISITING TOURISTS HAVE

SOMETHING TO LEARN ♪

♪ FROM THE THICK WALL OF GANJA

THAT WILL ♪

♪ MAKE YOUR EYES BURN AND WE ALL

SAY ♪

♪ OH, WELL I NEVER NOW I FEAR

I'LL BE HIGH FOREVER ♪

♪ I SMOKED WITH THE 30 ROCK

CHRISTMAS TREE ♪

IT'S LIKE KISSING MY SISTER.

>> BUT I THOUGHT NEW YORK WAS

FINALLY TURNING AROUND THANKS TO

ITS NEW MAYOR.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

MENTIONING THE MAYOR JUST

SUMMONED A PARK SLOPE CUCK.

HE CAME TO MANHATTAN VIA

MANHOLE.

♪ MAMDANI I JUST MET A BOY NAMED

MAMDANI ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY I SEE THE RENT IS

GONNA FREEZE FOR ME ♪

♪ MAMDANI I'D FULL KISS A MAN

NAMED MAMDANI ♪

♪ I FINALLY WANT TO SEE HOW MUCH

WORSE A BUS CAN BE ♪

♪ WHEN IT'S FREE ♪

>> BUT DON'T LOOK NOW, IT'S HIS

RIVAL.

A BILLIONAIRE WHO'S FURIOUS

ABOUT THE PIED-A-TERRE TAX EVEN

THOUGH IT IN NO WAY AFFECTS HIM.

♪ SHARIA OUR LAWS WILL ALL SOON

BE SHARIA ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY WE FIND THE

INTERNET HAS FRIED ♪

♪ OUR MINDS HE'S THE CAUSE OR

SOLUTION ♪

♪ TO EVERY PROBLEM -- MAMDANI ♪

>> SIR, I THINK WE'D BE MORE

COMFORTABLE RETREATING BACK TO

NEW JERSEY.

>> I CAN'T TAKE YOU TO JERSEY!

I OWE CHILD SUPPORT IN HOBOKEN.

>> HE MEANS IN A CAR.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE THE

LINCOLN TUNNEL.

>> NOT IF MARY TODD LINCOLN

TUNNEL HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT

IT.

♪♪

♪ AND I AM TELLING YOU YOU'RE

NOT GETTING HOME ♪

♪ CAUSE IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT YOU

DROVE ♪

♪ AND THAT YOU LIVE IN

NEW JERSEY ♪

♪ IN THE FIRST PLACE NO NO NO NO

WAY ♪

♪ NO NO NO NO WAY IT'S TAKING

LESS THAN TWO HOURS ♪

♪ IT'S MORE LIKE FOUR HOURS IT'S

FIVE OR SIX HOURS ♪

♪ AND IT WON'T BE FOR FREE I'M

SAYING ♪

♪ I'M SAYING THAT YOU AND YOU

AND YOU -- YOU'RE GONNA ♪

♪ PAY ME OOOOOOOO PAY ME PAY ME

YOU'RE GONNA PAY ME ♪

♪ THAT TOLL ♪

>> WOW, NOW THAT WILL TURN

ABRAHAM STRAIGHT AGAIN.

>> BUT IS IT TRUE, MISTER?

THEY'RE REALLY BANNING

HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGES IN NEW

YORK CITY?

>> LISTEN, IT'S A COMPLEX

TRANSPORTATION ISSUE.

>> WE TALKIN' TRANSPO?

WE TALKIN' TRANSPO?

GET OUT, KATHY!

BUT IF THE BAN REALLY GOES

THROUGH, I GUESS YOU COULD

SAY --

♪ THIS IS THE ENDING OF THE AGE

OF THE EQUIS ♪

♪ IN LATIN HORSE IS EQUIS ♪

♪ LET THE HORSE RIDE LET THE

HORSE RIDE ♪

♪ THE HORSE RIDE FREE ♪

♪ LET THE HORSE RIDE LET THE

Far out Sly Stone, is a God?

Yeah. That is one cold, brother Jack.

Man, I'm so high off this grass, man.

Anyone wanted to pass it here? Woodstock.

You are happy.

Hey, when we get older, I think we should buy all the houses.

What's that? Wily us.

Our generation, the baby boomers.

When we get older, I think we should buy

as many houses we can get and just, like, have them.

It's kind of weird, man. But whatever. Let's groove man.

Yeah. True.

Not and drop out. Yeah.

Also, we should have all the money.

No, man. No what? Money is evil?

No, no, totally, I completely agree.

That said,

I feel like we should get as much of it as we can

and then just, like, have it

kind of like we're doing with the houses.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I mean, our whole thing is about generosity and sharing.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

But I feel like in 15 years, like 1985 or so,

we should do a 180 and become ruthless corporate climbers.

Absolutely fetishized money in an almost pornographic way.

Far out. Right? No. Far in. That sounds awful. Yeah.

Stop talking about the future and just enjoy the moment, man.

Whoa!

Free love.

Anybody want to do this?

Oh, absolutely. Thanks.

Hey, we should scare our kids about this stuff.

Oh, come on, we eat. It's harmless.

No, I know it, I love it. That's sad. I feel like in 1985.

Hey, there's that year again.

Feel like it's going to be a big year for us.

We should tell our kids if they smoke weed

even once, it'll ruin their lives.

And not just weed everything.

What do you mean, everything? Everything we do.

Drugs, casual sex, soda, baloney.

Everything we should enjoy.

We tell our kids that it will kill them.

Stone ass dead.

Or if we're gonna scare kids about anything,

it should be hard. Drugs like speed.

No, we should make our kids do speed.

What? Ritalin. Adderall?

We just shove it down their throats

their entire childhood so they can get into college.

Yeah, but it's easy to get into college, man.

You just go to the registrar and pay the 50 bucks.

Oh, we should change that a lot.

Why would we do any of this, man?

Just think 1985 is going to happen,

and we're all going to start making money and eating sushi.

And that's just how it'll be.

What is sushi? I don't. Know, but I think it's raw fish.

You dip in liquid salt.

And you are freaking me out.

Wally, man, just enjoy the music.

Totally. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh.

Hey, I think we should be Republicans. No, what?

You're saying we're going to be Republican,

have all the money in houses and scare our kids

about everything that feels and tastes good?

I don't know, but, yes. Well, our kids are gonna hate us.

Yeah, man. For real.

But at least they'll get all our money and houses when we die.

That's the other thing. I don't think we should die.

What the hell is that going to work? That works.

I think we should also. Last thing.

Even though it's cold, we can't hear any of the bands

and we're standing in mud and feces.

I think we should say this concert

was, like, incredible and life changer.

I could dig that, man, I dig that,

>>> ONCE AGAIN, PHOEBE BRIDGERS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ PUSHED HEAD FIRST

INTO THE WORLD

JUST TO BE THROWN

IN THE STREET ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE DRESSED

LIKE A GIRL

AN ANGEL IN THE SNOW ♪

♪ ACCIDENT PRONE

YOU LEFT YOUR SUITCASE

BY THE BED ♪

♪ LIKE YOU NEEDED TO KNOW

YOU COULD GO WHENEVER

YOU WANTED ♪

♪ AND I'M OUT ON MY FEET

BUT I AM STILL STANDING

AT THE TOP OF THE

STAIRS, TURNING RED ♪

♪ POUND FOR POUND IN

A PROM DRESS YOU TRIED TO

MAKE ME AFRAID

WE WERE BOTH SHINING ♪

♪ FEELING INDIFFERENT

WEARING BLACK

SOMETIMES I WANT YOU BACK

BUT NOT TODAY ♪

♪♪

♪ I FOUND HER BLEEDING

OVER THE SINK BUT WHEN

YOU SAID, SORRY

YOU WERE LOOKING ♪

♪ AT ME I CAN'T

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID

BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT ♪

♪ I WASN'T TOO YOUNG

TO UNDERSTAND

I JUST DIDN'T THINK

IT WAS SO BAD ♪

♪ AND IT WASN'T, IN A WAY

AND NOW THERE IS NOTHING

YOUR BACK TO THE OCEAN

BURNING RED ♪

♪ I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU DEAD

BUT YOU ARE EVERY DAY

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING ♪

♪ OHH

OHH

AHH

MM ♪

♪ OHH

OHH

AHH

MM ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>>> MY THANKS TO PHOEBE

BRIDGERS, BOWEN YANG, ALL THE

CAST MEMBERS, WRITERS, MR. SIMON

RICH, EVERYWHERE HERE ON THE

CREW.

THIS IS THE BEST WEEK I'VE HAD

IN A LONG TIME.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪