Original subtitles

Some wake, eh?

Didn't go on back to the house with the others.

Did I invite us?

Did he hell?

An invitation is when you say, would you like to come back to the house for a wee

whisky?

No, I suppose you can go back to the house if you want.

And who were all those folk?

Rent-a-morners?

Never saw any of them come to visit Fergus in hospital.

Right enough.

And that minister?

Don't think he'd even met the guy.

Talking about the tragic death of a young man of only 30 years.

Fergus was 27.

Get this up and sing Fergus's favourite hymn.

Fergus was a rabid, card-carrying atheist.

And that bit about the terrible illness that eventually killed him.

Fergus didn't have cancer. He was a loony, a bam, crazy, metal, out

to lunch of another planet.

You are fished.

That's right, it's coming for you.

Aye, but I'm no an amateur.

He was a genius.

He could have done anything.

Aye, so he could.

over and by my suitcase trying to find a warm place to

spend the night heavy

rain falling seems i hear your voice calling it's all

right

What the hell are you?

That's sure the same thing.

Only guy who owns that record.

Some collector. That's the original Groot Benton version from 1968.

1969? How did you get in here?

Nobody's supposed to be in here except authorised staff.

And the electrician.

Right, that's it.

What? Hey, don't go in like that. Hey, do the night. What are you on? That.

Eddie! Eddie!

Daft bastard. What's the problem?

What's the problem?

Why is he no sedated? He's not a patient.

Well, he should be.

It doesn't matter to Fergus now. You're only storing up trouble for yourself.

Aye. Well, it's easily done round here.

You waiting on McTavish?

Aye, I haven't seen him, her, in a couple of days.

I hear you and Campbell are doing a pilot programme for Radio Scotland.

Aye, we record on Monday.

It's exciting, though, eh?

Try not to think about it.

You don't need that, Eddie.

I do. I'm going to a sales meeting.

That stuff could take over, you know.

It already has taken over.

Without my wee friend here, I couldn't do anything.

First time I got pushed, I was 15.

His teacher was going to make us memorise a poem and stand up and recite

it in front of the class.

But you didn't want to do it.

No, I wanted to do it, but I knew the poem.

But every time I tried to recite it, I'd forget about it.

I was that terrified when the day finally came.

My pal Colin and I had a couple of cans behind the bike shed to steady our

nerves.

And it changed everything.

I had my nerve back.

When I stood up in front of that class that afternoon, it was brilliant.

You remember the poem?

Of course not.

I was that desperate. I started throwing in things like Mary had a little lamb,

she also had a duck, she put them on the mantelpiece to see if they'd fall off.

Except the teacher never let me get the punchline.

But the point... The point is that I didn't care.

I could suddenly do anything, no matter how humiliating. No care.

I was free.

You'll not take your wee friend on Monday?

Cannae promise.

But who knows?

You might like my version of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

And in closing,

salesmen and sales ladies of the month...

I want to bring your attention to this month's issue of The Glacier.

It has some pretty disturbing news in it.

It says here that Britain is presently experiencing a recession.

That households and businesses are saying, no, I can't afford it. It's not

the time to be fitting new windows to our homes and our shops and our offices.

Well, do you know what I say to that?

Lavery. Work harder.

Are you not already working harder? Remind me to sack you.

Webster. Sell! Sell!

Sell! No, we've done that.

McAteer?

Balls and poppycock.

Balls and poppycock.

That's what I say. By God, and so does John McAteer.

And I'm proud to tell you that this afternoon he came to tell me that after

walking in cold to the Lynx Business Systems building in Paisley, and after

six grueling weeks of sales presentations, the company have asked

him for a quotation for a full set of replacement windows.

Is there, is there a recession on?

No!

Then get out there and sell Twinview!

You were late.

If I'd been a customer, you'd have lost your sale.

Sorry. Do you know what the essential paradox of being a salesman is?

Do I have to guess?

Take as much time as you need to close a sale, but don't be late for your next

one. That's the essential paradox of being a salesman. A very wise man told

me that, our national sales director. So remember it, and don't be late again.

I don't mind him.

I've been telling that story for eight years and he still doesn't know what

paradox means.

So I hear you're doing the big district council tender.

Aye, we've got a meeting on Tuesday.

I was looking at the plans.

This one should be worth at least 35k.

She's a fair old commission at 10%, eh, McKenna? I knew Griffin's going along to

hold your hand.

Aye, I thought we might need to negotiate a wee bit.

So Griffin's made the contract at the council, got you the plans and has gone

along with you to negotiate the tender.

What exactly are you going to be contributing to the deal?

It's my tape measure.

Grandma, what?

Jesus, what are you doing?

Don't hate God's name in vain. They punish you. But what are you doing?

Tomorrow I make jumbles here. I raise much money to go to Lithuania.

By selling Grandad's hat stand?

He has no need of hats. He's dead.

Why are you doing this?

Because I need £3,000 and you don't give.

You can't go to Lithuania in the dead of winter. You will freeze and you will

starve. So it'll be like old times then.

What'll be like old times? You'll die of hypothermia. That is not so bad.

Being shot by the SS, that is bad.

So you're really going to go?

I want to die with my own people, Eddie. This is the only thing I ask.

See what I can do. And that you come to Little Wayne, you club, next week, too

big. OK. And that you bring beautiful wife with you so everybody tells me

you're a lucky guy. Greetings, I ask. Grandma, I don't have a wife.

You have till next Wednesday.

I'm not going to find a wife by next Wednesday.

Then bring your intended one. I don't have an intended one.

You cannot do this for me. The last thing I ask of you before I die.

Grandma, I don't have a wife and I don't have an intended one. What do you want

me to do?

Okay. Bring girlfriend.

Freeze!

Don't look!

What was the name of that record?

Dream Lover.

Which was in the British charts for?

19 weeks.

In? 1959.

See? Told you he could do it. Did I not tell you? He is a genius. Oh, yes.

You're still here?

Oh, aye. If they want to get rid of me, they'll have to catch me first.

Rosalie's got us all organised for the pilot tomorrow, Eddie. It's going to be

brilliant, and I have just come up with the perfect angle. Which is?

We are going to be playing a number one hit for every year from 1956 to 1970,

aye? And I've got a list here of every number one hit in every one of those

years, Eddie.

So at the end of the hour, we invite our listeners to phone in and pit their wits

against the master of hits, Dr Boogie!

Who's Dr Boogie?

You!

That's the angle!

So if they can ask a question about any of the hits we've played that you cannae

answer, they win a major prize.

He's the genius.

Campbell, this is a recording we're doing.

The only folk are going to be listening are Paula and a couple of bored guys in

their dinner break.

Then we'll get them to phone in.

What's the major prize?

We just can't own there's a prize.

So it can be anything we want.

A trip to Graceland by time machine to meet Elvis.

Lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. I don't have to conform to the vagaries

of time and space. I'm a loony, for God's sake.

Look! A full moon!

I thought you wanted to keep quiet about that.

They're not going to do to me what they did to Fergus, Eddie.

Nobody's going to find me on a heap on the pavement.

I'm going to flaunt it.

I'm going to exploit it for all it's worth!

Because we are loonies and we are proud!

We are loonies and we are proud!

We are loonies and we are proud!

I shouldn't have tied you the buttons.

Have you seen Rosalie?

The social worker's here.

She's nowhere in tonight.

She came in at half past seven, I saw.

Well, she's not here now.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, Stuart, I'm calling you stupid.

Eddie, what are those boxers doing out?

Um...

Campbell and I have been doing some organising. Well, could you put them

back in the cupboard now? There could be a fire hazard.

Er, we're still working with them. Enough said to put them back in the

cupboard! It's all right, Stuart.

We're still working with them. How low an IQ do you need for your job? I could

break them like a match. All right, nobody's going to break anyone else like

a match.

Rosalie, do you want to come out now before we end up with blood all over the

floor?

Rosalie, this is Linda Foster, the psychiatric social worker. She'd like to

have a word.

You OK?

Aye, I'm fine.

I was just worried about McTavish.

She's back.

Aye.

And she's not just she, she's them.

Don't get too close.

You could frighten her and she might run off, see?

I found them yesterday.

They've only opened their eyes for a wee bit yet.

Imagine that, eh?

Being born blind and knowing nothing but a warm belly and the smell of milk.

She doesn't mind if I touch them.

She knows they're safe with me.

Francine, can I ask you a favour?

If you could get a pass, would you go to club with me on Wednesday night?

That's a favour.

Is that not a date?

Ah. No, if the club in question is the Lithuanian Club of Scotland.

Well, it's not that bad.

You'd have to kid on you like Lithuanian music and that, and folk talking about

the old country even though they were born in Motherwall.

And you'd have to kid on you were my girlfriend.

What?

My grandmother's going back to Lithuania at the end of the month and she wants to

be able to kid on to her friends that I'm not a complete loser.

And I promised her.

Ah, listen, that's just the most humiliating moment of my life. What,

asking me for a date?

Asking a woman to kid on she's my girlfriend.

Then I'll kid on that well you'd never guess it isn't true.

When you're moving right up close to me

That's when I get the shakes all

over me

Quivers down the backbone.

I got the shakes down the knee bone.

Yeah, the tremors in the thigh bone.

Shakin' all over.

You ready, boys?

Eddie, you okay?

I am.

Then let's do it.

Four, three...

This is Campbell Bain and this is my alarm clock.

It's also a clue.

Dr Boogie has just ten seconds to guess our first number one hit. The year is

1956.

Cos we are the champions of the world.

You going OK? I take it. OK!

We practically set fire to the place.

Which explains the fire extinguisher. And you'll never believe what happened.

They sectioned the both of us.

Sectioned? You don't section a genius.

You say, you did really well.

You say, come see me on Thursday, Eddie.

Because you know what I learned today?

That the only difference between lunacy and genius is timing.

Set off a fire extinguisher in a shrink's office and he'll have you

locked up. Do it in front of an audience and it's high farce.

It's time to start making lists full of the great things you're going to do,

Rosalie. Instead of 12 bottles of disinfectant spray, put climb the

highest mountain.

Instead of large box of scours, put cross the deepest ocean. Instead of one

case of Dettol... What the... What the hell are you planning here, Rosalie?

It's just my discharge.

When?

Friday. They found me a place and a bed and breakfast.

What about the supported accommodation?

I'm still on the waiting list.

There used to be this bed and breakfast in Bondourne.

where Jim and me used to take Robbie every summer.

It was all whitewashed with wee brass ornaments in the hallway.

I don't suppose this place will be like that, though.

It's Toby's station manager.

You know that?

Aye.

It's nice to belong somewhere.

Well, if it isn't ready, Eddie McKenna, star of Radio Looneyland.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

You abandoned your glittering radio career to devote more time to your

corporate family here at Twinview.

Is she away to your meeting with the council?

Aye, as soon as Griffin gets here.

Griffin's always late, though.

Why? Because you know what the essential paradox of a sales manager is, eh?

He doesn't have to be in time, but everybody else does. Wrong.

The essential paradox of a sales manager is that he can be a certifiable lunatic,

but we still have to call him sir.

He can take a guy they wouldn't let sell pencils for the blind and give him the

plummest sales lead of the year.

Give us a break, eh? Oh, any time.

Just tell me which Aaron.

I'll go to the book.

You shitting yourself in case Griffin doesn't turn up and you've got to take

that meeting yourself?

No. Stop pissing myself at your broken arm joke.

McAteer?

McAteer! At the door!

You stupid, stupid bastard! McAteer!

Quick, the radio!

Good afternoon, sir. What the hell's all that brawl?

Oh, Webster and Lavery are just listening for the new Twinview ad on

Radio Clyde.

Good lads.

Where's McKenna?

I don't know, sir.

Should he be here?

For Christ's sake! If he needs some help with the tender, I'd be happy to come

along.

Right, let's go.

Well, I don't like stepping on Eddie's toes or that, but if I go, who gets the

commission? You do the tender, you get the commission.

Sorry,

I'm late.

Where's Mr. McKenna? Well, I'm afraid he's... Right here. Ah, Mr. McKenna.

Yes, Chef Carr.

I thought I'd take the opportunity to use the excellent public transport

system my regional council's responsible for. Which doesn't always run on time,

I'm afraid.

Still, there's no excuse for lateness, McKenna. Right enough.

But I wanted to pop into the planning department to check on the feasibility

of using aluminium over UPVC on the access problem in the rear elevation.

Very helpful, by the way.

Excellent. Excellent.

Aye. Well, thanks for your help, McAteer.

Any time.

There isn't an access problem in the rear elevation, is there?

Let's see what I think there is.

Oh, if you're going back to the office, would you tell Jane we're out of bog

pay?

There's a really good film we could catch tonight.

Where? I don't know.

Somewhere. About to be.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Aye.

Let's go.

How nice to see you. You bad, bad boy.

You never come to lead you in your club anymore.

Francine, this is Mrs.

Prokoshkas. Delighted to meet you.

This is my... Girlfriend, Francine Boyle.

Come, come, we sit.

Is that your grandmother?

What's her name?

Francine.

Francine! Oh, how happy I am to meet you again.

Lovely to see you again, Mrs. Maria Coy. Oh, you pronounce that so well. You

speak so little. No, please, no.

Then we teach you.

You've got a crazy mouth.

It was either that or a blow-up doll.

I was afraid the doll might get drunk and embarrass me.

She's wonderful and so pretty.

Well, maybe she's okay.

Do you speak Lithuanian?

I understand a bit.

I don't want to know.

Goodness, we teach you Lithuania dance.

Oh, a canny dance.

Dance,

dance, dance.

Hands, take my hand.

Didn't embarrass you, did it?

Embarrass me?

They were congratulating me all night on finding such a lovely lassie for a wife.

They wish us a long life and many babies, by the way.

Anyway, thanks.

For what?

You know, kidding on.

Thank you.

That was my first date in seven years.

I felt like Cinderella.

I was even pretty.

Francine, you are pretty.

You've got terrific eyes.

I bet you wouldn't want to see my body.

Don't tempt me, Francine.

No, it's all full of scars from when I slashed myself.

Then stop.

I'd still have the scars.

We've all got scars, Francine.

Just those catches.

No!

The boys are calling now.

They've run off.

No, for them.

For Uncle Frank.

if it isn't McKenna, dead on time to pick up his tender.

Your punctuality is definitely improving.

I'm not in the mood, McAteer.

So you were running it in my car or taking the opportunity to use the

excellent public transport system our regional council is responsible for?

Just I heard you had a puncture recently.

I didn't have a puncture. My tyre was slashed. I had to buy a new one. Is that

right? Well, it's getting to something when you cannae park your car in front

of your own place of work without some hooligan slashing the tyre, eh?

Aye, and I wouldn't be surprised if next time I find my tyres have been slashed,

say, for instance, when I'm out delivering my tender, you find your

bonnet's got paint stripper all over it.

He's like the school bully, you know.

Every time he comes in here, I expect him to take my dinner money off me.

There's your tender, by the way. Thanks. You're not going home?

No. I was supposed to be going to a hen party tonight.

But McAteer wants this links business system quotation by the mora first

thing. Well, just go.

Look, first of all, you cannae be expected to type this up. Fours look

like sixes, the ones look like sevens. He's been wanting this links quotation

for weeks.

He'd be absolutely furious with you.

Only way to handle a bully is to stand up to him.

Well... Maybe I will go.

That's the spirit.

If I don't stay out late and get in dead early the morning, I could still finish

it in time, eh?

Well, that's standing up to you.

That's keeping my job.

Can you lock up for me?

I still say fours look like sixes.

Campbell, I told you I'm just going to go and find out what they thought of the

pilot. But what if they make us an offer on the spot?

They'll take it on the spot. On what terms? We've got to be clear on this.

Aye, and I've written it all down for you, so I have. I've got to go!

Number one, what exactly is on offer? Number two, will there be a trial

period? I was telling you, Campbell, there's no going to be an offer at this

meeting. Number three, if so, for how long? And you have to wear that jacket.

What's wrong with it? Number four, if there is a trial period, will the

contract be non-exclusive during that time? It makes you look like a brazen

salesman. Number five, what will the format of the show be? Number six, look,

there's nobody listening to me. I took the trouble to make this list and I

don't want you to come out of here without it, all right?

I'll treasure it always.

See you the night.

Eddie, you couldn't get us a couple of coffees, could you, Fiona? Sure.

Coffee, eh?

Sorry? It's Campbell's theory. If they offer lunch, it's good news.

Just coffee and it's bad.

I'm waiting for you to tell me that's a really stupid theory.

I thought you'd be waiting to hear how much we liked your pilot.

I am.

I mean, you did.

We played it again at our meeting with the head of entertainment yesterday.

A couple of us felt it was a bit raw, but that's part of its charm, really.

Aye, well, that's us.

Raw charm.

As I said, there isn't really anything coming up at the moment, but we did

discuss the possibility of trying you out, getting you to fill in for one of

our regular DJs on holiday or at short notice.

How would you feel about that?

We'd feel pretty great about that.

Yes. Although there was some discussion at the meeting. This doesn't come from

me, I hasten to add.

But there were certain reservations expressed about Campbell.

About Campbell?

I mean, I know he's young and inexperienced, but the kids are natural.

He's got a gift.

He's also got a mental health problem.

I think.

There was some concern that he might prove to be... unreliable.

The guy has practically created the hospital station single-handed.

He just happens to be a manic-depressant.

He also happens to be young, hungry and extremely talented.

As I said, it's not my personal view, Eddie.

But we did wonder, should a fill-in slot come up, if you would consider taking

the show...

On your own?

No.

No, I wouldn't.

That's very loyal of you.

It's no loyalty.

He's funnier than me.

We'll be in touch.

Francine, Eddie's here.

Okay.

I had to bring them in, Eddie.

Me and Tavish didn't come back unless I froze through the night.

They weren't safe.

You cannae keep them here, Francie.

No indefinite way.

I know.

But I'll be getting out soon.

I've been really well, eh?

Aye.

Aye, you have.

And most of the patients are in on it.

We've even soundproofed the locker.

Just we don't want anything to happen to them.

Nothing's going to happen to these wee ones, Eddie.

They're safe.

Francine, who's Uncle Frank?

Nobody.

Just somebody who used to hang about the house.

My Auntie Ruth died of cancer when I was too young to remember.

After Ma died, Uncle Frank used to come round a lot to see my Da.

They used to buy me loads of presents and that.

On Saturdays they'd play cards and get absolutely steaming.

And Uncle Frank would stay over and sleep on the settee.

Except one night... He didnae sleep on the settee.

I was nine years old.

Uncle Frank never slept on the city again.

I used to hide sometimes.

Our kid when I was asleep.

I used to call out for my da.

I could hear him snoring.

But he never came to help me.

He was my dad. He should have kept me safe.

But he never seemed to notice.

Until you got pregnant.

He never believed me when I told him.

He called me a whore.

I was 15.

I missed myself when Jamie was born.

My midwife said loads of women do that.

I don't know.

But see, when they gave me up my whole daddy, he was just that beautiful.

And I knew I had to let him go.

So that he could be safe.

Dettol. Check.

Scourers. Check.

Toilet bleach.

Don't touch it, I'll get it. Check.

Toothbrush, toothpaste, soap and hairbrush.

Check, check, check, check.

Well, I suppose this is cheerio.

Good luck, eh?

Now, I want yous to notice that I shook hands with you lot without the use of

major tranquilisers, which just goes to show how well I am these days.

Come on, I'm going to work.

I'll give you a lift in.

Mum, we'll get you settled in.

No, I don't want you to go in, Eddie.

See you soon, then.

I want to talk to you, and I want to talk to you now.

Aye, sir.

And do you know why I want to talk to you? Please don't make me... Yes.

Sack me?

Sack you.

Why would I want to sack the best damn salesman the Strathclyde region of

Twinview Windows has ever had?

This man is the best damn salesman the Strathclyde region of Twinview Windows

has ever had.

Today... The district council accepted our tender for £35,000 worth of

windows now.

And £86,000 worth in the new year.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

Sing! For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good

fellow.

And so say all of us.

Speech, eh?

Speech!

Make a speech, damn it.

Well,

I'd just like to thank everybody who helped with the tender.

Especially Mr Griffin.

Especially Mr Griffin. Who did all the work?

Checked and double-checked everything while you did exactly what, McKenna?

McAteer.

If anyone needs to have their work checked and double-checked, it's you.

I've just had Link's business systems of Paisley on the phone to me, complaining

very loudly about your quotation being 35% higher than your estimate.

That's rubbish.

I checked it myself. Good God, man, even the sums don't add up.

These are no math figures.

What were you on when you typed this up? Don't try and blame the lassie. I typed

up exactly what you wrote.

You've just become too damn cocky, McAteer.

Someone's been tampering with my figures. So I tell them we're going to

send our top salesman to do a new quotation.

And this time, by God, it'll tally with the estimate.

What about it, McKenna?

Eddie, Jesus, where have you been?

Working. What's up?

How did you not tell me about this?

How did you not warn me? About what?

Paula has been on the phone to me today.

Oh. She seemed to think I knew all about it. Aye, I said, you told me all about

your meeting, but it seems there was a few wee details you left out.

I'm sorry, I... I know what you thought. You thought I'd just get agitated. I'm a

manic depressive, so how not? That's not what I thought. But did you never stop

to consider that one day a fishbone might get stuck in the throat of history

and that we'd be standing here like we are now at the door of destiny and

totally unprepared for it? What are you talking about?

The fishbone?

The one that got stuck in David Thompson's throat?

Their Sunday afternoon DJ, he got a fishbone stuck in his throat last night,

was rushed to casualty, and they've asked us to take his gold show today.

I'm not ready.

Neither am I, but we're going to have to go for it. No, no, I'm really not ready.

Paula said we could use David's running order, but if we leave now, we can

choose some stuff ourselves.

I'm not ready.

She said she'll be there to take us through everything, and you don't have

to worry about here.

Francine's going to be taking our show straight off the air. I'm not ready,

Campbell.

Eddie, you've been waiting for this moment most of your life.

What exactly did you think you'd be, Eddie?

Well, let's go!

You're ready.

Anything!

Kicking off the Gold Show and standing in for David Thompson is me, Campbell

Bain, and Dr Boogie, professor of pop, soul and rock.

and roll.

In today's competition, we invite you to pit your wits against the master of hits

himself. If you can ask me any verifiable question on any of the titles

that we play today that I can't answer, you win the grand prize.

What is the grand prize, you ask? I'm holding in my hand a rare copy of

Mandolins in the Moonlight by Perry Como from 1958.

And unless you can stump Dr. Boogie, we're actually going to play it.

About it, gold diggers, just phone 041-357-9719 to try and stop me.

I'm afraid Jim Morrison couldn't have written Bright Side of the Road. Because

he was dead at the time, right, Dr Boogie? Aye, a definite liability, but

it did give Van Morrison the chance to write it instead.

Is that the BBC?

Well, unless you can prove that Wilson Pickett had a boa constrictor called

Hugo, I'm going to have to disqualify that.

And it's become one of the most covered songs in rock and roll since Elvis'

death.

Aye, 1977.

It was in all the papers.

And it's 3.47.

Still 13 minutes left to try and stump Dr.

Boogie, if you can.

Lurries! As Neil Armstrong said on that fateful day when he first put his foot

on the moon, WE ARE-

Do you want me to do something for that?

Do you really know what you've done?

Young girl said to get wearing, wearing that same

old shaggy dress,

yeah, yeah.

But when she get wearing, try.

She's waiting, just anticipating a

thing that you'll never, never, never, never say

again.

But while she's there waiting, without them

trying.