Original subtitles

I've been talking at you for six hours, and I could probably stand here and talk

at you for another six, but I'm looking at you, and I can see you're lean, mean,

and hungry to make that sale.

Now, what are you going to do?

Sell! What are you going to sell?

Trinidad! Catriona.

You're having a cup of tea. The contract's on the table. The buyer says,

I'll have to ask my husband. What are you gonna do?

Sal! McAteer, you're having a couple of beers. The brochure's on the bar.

The buyer says, I'll have to ask my bank manager. What are you gonna do?

Sal! Webster, you're standing at the door. The buyer shakes her head. She's

not interested.

What are you gonna do?

Sal! Lavery, the buyer calls the cops. He's having you arrested. They got you

in the car.

What are you gonna do?

Sal! What are you gonna do? Sal!

What are you gonna do? Sal!

Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell! Cell!

Cell!

Cell!

Cell!

Well, you can give that to the pretendies, but give me money.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

That's what I want. That's what I want.

That's what I want. That's what I want.

You must eat.

I'm a sandwich.

Thanks.

That was money, that's what I want.

They cannae hear you, Campbell. From way back in 1959.

They still cannae hear you. And this is Campbell Bain, the Bain of your life.

Campbell. Eggly, I'm a mentally ill person. If I shout any louder, I'll be

restrained and sedated.

The feeder, Campbell.

Oh, I need that.

OK, Campbell, we'll try it again.

You'll blow the murders if you push him like that. Fair guess. I nearly got it

right that time, wouldn't I?

Well, well.

The poacher's turned gamekeeper, eh?

Where did you get the coat?

From, er, Dr Braley.

You look dead handsome like that, so you do. You get everything you needed?

Almost. That only costs 50p. I'll strip it for the power transistors.

Are you sure you trust him on that desk? Fair guess. This desk and I are on

intimate terms.

This desk and I are practically engaged.

We're doing our first show together tomorrow night. I know the Mora

Campbell. But I'm standing at the threshold of one of the most important

moments of my life here.

Give me an audience.

Give me punters and I will deliver, Eddie. Well, I hadn't expected such a

crowd.

Doctor, which one of you is Eddie McKenna?

Um, I am.

I'm Mrs MacDonald, assistant administrator.

Mrs MacDonald.

Call me Evelyn.

Just thought I'd pop my head in and say hello.

Ask if you need anything.

Aye, we do.

I'm sorry?

We need some shielded three-core flex. This stuff is useless.

The doctor's bleeps are coming through in the air.

Well, that should be possible.

And some paint.

This place needs redecorating, so does... Oh, hang on. Just let me make a

list. But the main thing is the mixing desk.

Now, we've got a lot of crackle coming through on these faders, and these two

here have had it. Really. Now, we could do with a couple of new ones if you can

still get them, but what we really need is a new desk.

A six-inch or two would even do us. My goodness!

Are you a doctor or an engineer?

I'm a patient.

We're all patients.

Except him, who isn't, but should be.

But don't worry, we're heavily tranquilised and pose no danger to the

public. No, that's marvellous.

Involving the patients.

I'll see what I can do about this list.

There's an endowment trust we can approach.

But the hospital board will want to see some figures, I'm afraid.

What kind of figures? Oh, just a budget proposal, really. Current running costs.

Rejected capital outlay, that sort of thing.

If you've got your books up to date and you've got some written estimates of the

equipment you propose to purchase, you can... That was dedicated to the bored

and boring board of St Jude's Hospital, that bloated, bilious body of befuddled

brains we'd like to befriend.

Just give us your dosh, boys.

Well...

Pretty impressive.

Anyway, Eddie, I'll pop in again in a few days when you have a chance to get

some figures together.

And thanks for the wee demonstration, as it were.

Oh, well done, Campbell.

I told you I could do it if I had an audience.

Not that.

What's everyone going to think of that?

They'll think I'm a loony.

I am a loony.

Come on, Eddie.

Let me do my own show tomorrow, eh?

Yeah, beauty!

Tomorrow night!

The Campbell Bain show debuts tomorrow night!

Eat your heart out, Ken Bruce, you bastard!

Oh.

Hello.

They told me I'd find you in here.

Aye.

Well, here I am.

You lot, this is my dad.

Dad, this is that lot.

Have a seat.

I'd get you a cup of tea, but they don't thrust us with kettles.

You might burn yourselves.

Aye, all with them in our heads.

Either way, it requires medical intervention.

I've just had a word with your doctor, by the way.

Oh, aye.

He gave me some good news, I think.

He says they'll be letting you out of here soon.

Next week, he reckons.

You're joking, next week?

Yes! Yes!

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God almighty, I'll be free at last!

Aye, well, just thought I'd come and ask you if you had any plans for when you

come out.

Aye, loads of them.

Massive booze up while my pants.

Holiday in the Seychelles.

Or Mallorca, I'll slim it. And lose my virginity. I'm 19.

I think I should lose my virginity, don't you? Listen, stop your daft act.

You'll make me think you need to stay here.

I was talking about your future, son.

You didn't get your exams, you know.

Your mother and I was wondering if you'd thought about going back to do your

exams.

Can I say that was the first thing that crossed my mind? Well, think about it,

son.

There's a recession on.

Nobody gets nothing for nothing. You need qualifications.

It's just... I don't know what I want to do yet.

Oh, don't give me your daft talk.

We're talking about a job.

I mean, what you want has nothing to do with it.

I could always be a road sweeper, I suppose.

I am not a road sweeper.

I work for the cleansing department.

And I'm a foreman.

You sweep the road.

Oh, I'd never heard you complain about the food you'd put on the table.

Do you want to be a waste of all your life?

Because I'm not having it.

You've got to pull yourself together because this thing is killing your

mother. It's positively killing her.

I mean, the doctors had to put her on tablets because she's so upset about it.

That makes two loonies in the family.

Your mother is not a loonie.

We've never had a loonie in the family before you.

Not on my side, or your mother's.

You've just got to stop this.

Put it all behind you.

Pull yourself together.

You understand me?

You just have to think about your future, son.

Morning,

Rosalie. Time to lock up.

I'm not going to rest until everything in the world is neat and tidy and every

germ on earth is dead.

Well, it's nice to have a mission, but I've got to lock up now.

OK.

What's all this?

I'm just getting these figures together for everyone.

It would be nice if they redecorated this place.

Aye.

Look, I've just sorted, don't... Look, don't!

Everything in the world, neat and tidy.

Francine!

What you got the window open for? Don't!

But it's freezing cold. I'm suffocating in here.

So are you hanging about the station?

So?

Just saw you, that's all.

You okay?

Course I'm not okay, I'm a loony.

So am I. Aye, but you're out there and I'm in here.

No, forever.

Then keep me in here as long as you like.

I'm not going to get any better as long as I'm in here, I've told them that.

Nobody listens.

They just renew the section.

The section?

Well, that means... Detained.

Locked up under Section 26 of the Mental Health Act.

Might as well be in jail.

Could you no appeal or that?

What's the point?

Nobody listens to you if you're a loony.

They'd have to listen to you if you're on the radio.

I could train you as a DJ.

You could say anything you wanted. You could say Eddie's a fat bastard if you

wanted. But I warn you, I cry easy.

No, no, I couldn't. I know.

I just couldn't.

How did you get into all that anyway?

Being a DJ and that?

Dunno.

Just had a big mouth, I suppose.

Used to work at this youth club.

Used to run a disco at the weekends.

Cos nobody else could stand the noise.

Great job.

What happened?

I lost it.

The cuts.

Then I started doing hospital radio in town.

Amateur, like here.

But a huge place.

And then?

And then they sacked me.

You certainly lose a lot of jobs.

Not enough.

I was a secretary once.

Import-export business out of Prestwick.

I'm getting in here.

Licensed people come here today.

Three times they come.

First I hide, then I speak Lithuanian, and then I act like senile idiot.

They think I am senile idiot, Eddie.

Soon they come back and maybe they take television.

You want I miss Blind Egg? You want I miss EastEnders? You want I miss

Newsnight with Peter Snow? Look, I'm sorry.

I just didn't have the 83 quid.

But you have a job now, Eddie.

Yeah, but it's not like we're in a booze, Grandma.

Eddie, what do I do with you? When do you get married so I can throw you out?

This is my flat. Well, when do you get married so you can throw me out?

I'll pay the license tomorrow.

And the television rental?

And the television rental.

And the electric?

I'm running up an overdraft, Grandma.

And... Find nice lassie and get married and give me many, many great

-grandchildren.

Well, for that, I'll have to talk to my bank manager.

Cheer up. It won't ever happen.

Don't you just hate it when people say that?

Go on, be miserable.

I don't blame you for being depressed.

The food here is diabolical.

Do you work around here?

Aye, just down the road. I'm a salesman. A salesman! I might have guessed.

You're always so vaguely oily, salesman. No offence, of course.

We had a salesman in the family once. My sister's husband.

Dreadful man. I never had any time for him.

Sold toilets.

Commodes, he called them.

Toilets in plain English.

He's dead now, thankfully.

I've got to go now.

Oh, yes, so do I.

I'm afraid I'm temporarily financially embarrassed.

I couldn't borrow £2.60, could I?

You're a gentleman, sir.

What do you sell, anyway?

Double glazing. Double glazing? Now, why does that ring a bell?

Oh, yes.

I had a phone call from this man, a complete stranger once, who wanted to

come round and talk to me about double glazing. So I thought, why not?

We've got a nice house on fire.

He stayed for maybe five hours.

Saw you some windows?

No, I don't recall we talked about windows.

Harriet, my name is...

My father wanted a boy, you see, and he'd set his heart on the name of Harry.

Aye, well, see you then.

When I came along, they just had to make do. They just hadn't been thinking of

any girls' names at all, you see.

Who's your friend?

Daisy.

My dog's name is Daisy.

I have had six dogs in my life, every one of them called Daisy.

You've only got two appointments, I'm afraid.

But you better make yourself scarce.

Griffin's been on the rampage. Aye. Listen, I've got to... Oh, now you've

done it. You've got her barkies. You've got her heart's condition.

McKenna, I want you up here. I want you up here now.

Well,

I'll be seeing you again sometime, McKenna.

I suppose you know why I've called you up here?

No, sir.

And guess?

For a chat.

I never chat.

Do you think I got to be regional sales manager by having chats?

I got here by selling windows to customers.

Buyers, sir.

What? Buyers, no customers.

Well, I'm glad you got so much out of our sales seminar yesterday, McKenna.

And how did you make out with your buyers last night?

Much bias.

You had to leave early to meet them.

We practically sent you out of here like a conquering hero. How did you get on?

Oh, aye.

Good.

Excellent, in fact.

You closed the deal?

Almost. Nearly there.

Almost?

Nearly there?

You don't buy a washing machine with an almost, McKenna. You don't buy a jacuzzi

with a nearly there.

I'll work harder at it. How many nights a week are you going out?

Five.

Why not six?

Why not seven?

You should be out seven nights a week if you have to, and weekends, and weekdays,

making that sale.

Now listen to me, McKenna.

Either you walk into this office on Saturday morning with a sale under your

belt, signed, delivered and sealed with a kiss or you're off the team.

By Saturday?

But they've only given me two appointments.

I'd knock on some doors if I were you, McKenna.

Good morning, I'm Edward McKenna between... Edward

McKenna between two windows.

Some of our castmen are installing windows in the area, which means we can

offer you an exceptionally good deal on Dublin. Are they doing that?

Tonight at 7pm, don't miss Campbell Bain's Luritian Show

on Hospital Radio.

Tonight at 7pm.

Twinview windows, sorry.

Bugger off.

Bugger off.

No English, no English.

Well, I'm no bloody English.

I should be here by now.

Rosalie, what are you doing?

I'm just polishing your shoes, son.

We're gonna have to go without him.

Oh, no!

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Don't really buy any double glazing, do you? Two, one, you're on. That was I

Hear You Knocking But You Can't Come In, dedicated to all the medical staff here

at St Jude's Hospital.

They hear you knocking but you kind of get out. And this is Campbell Bain with

the first ever Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.

And our next request is for Senga on Ward 6, who tells me that she's being

controlled by aliens from another planet.

Senga, the nursing assistants are all doing their job.

Is he getting at me?

And

now

I've been asked to play a dead smoochy tune by Alison on Ward 7.

So here's a song that should cause each of us to experience a wee flutter in the

heart, a wee catch in the throat, a tune that we can truly call our song.

Well, I think I'm going out of my head.

Yes, I think I'm going out of my head.

Over you.

Over you.

It's not bad, that boy.

You just walked past me. You don't even know that I exist.

Going out of my...

Coco's up. You coming?

No. I've got to get these figures together for Evelyn.

I had fun tonight, Eddie.

I think that's the most fun I've ever had without being manic.

Was I any good?

Aye.

I've never been good at anything before, Eddie.

I spent four years of my life learning to play guitar and the only song I can

play all the way through is Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door.

And I only did it to try and pull women.

I'm no good at that either.

I want to do this.

Professionally, Eddie.

Do you think I could?

Maybe, aye.

But I've got to take it seriously, Eddie.

It's got to be taken seriously this time.

First thing I'm going to do is get some cans like yours. Bare DT hundreds?

Aye, professional cans with my name on them and big yellow fluorescent letters.

Build up my own record collection, specialise in something, get some

routines together. What else do I need?

Experience, Campbell.

Aye, good point.

I'm not going to hire somebody who just walks in off the street. I'm going to

hire somebody who has spent days, if not weeks, developing their show into a

creature that's totally fresh and fundamentally loony in every way.

Days, if not weeks?

Let me out of here next week, Eddie.

I want to come and work for you.

Full time.

I want you to teach me everything you know.

We'll be a double act.

We're going to make this the most outrageous and original hospital

broadcasting outfit in the country.

This station is going to take us places, Eddie.

Us?

Well, you're not going to sell double glazing all your life, are you?

No likely, anyway. Then go for it.

Have you never wanted to go professional, Eddie?

I've sent out the odd tape.

Uh, general consensus seemed to be, um, I was shite.

Ah, well, that's where you went wrong. You see, you went to them.

There's one thing I'm sure of, which you've got to get them to come to you.

What's it called?

Abduction, Campbell, and it's illegal.

No, no, market strategy.

Creating a seller's market.

Can you see the potential?

We're one of the only loony radio stations in the country.

Think of the angle, the publicity.

Loony's takeover asylum at St Jude's.

All we have to do is be brilliant, as well as original, and Dale will be

coming to us.

And with your knowledge and experience and my hypomania, how can we lose?

Come on, Eddie.

You with me?

Aye.

Are you sure you're no manic?

I'm inspired, Eddie.

What's the difference?

Inspired is when you think you can do anything Manic is when you know it

What are you looking for?

What, nobody?

You, I suppose.

Would you like my cocoa?

Do you not want it?

No, I hate the stuff, but I like to appear cooperative.

You're wearing a tie.

Aye. Stupid thing, is it not?

Are you OK?

Oh, aye.

I think I'm about to lose my job.

You certainly don't have a lot of lovely jobs, it must be said.

Have you got a family?

My grandmother.

You live with your grandmother?

She lives with me.

It's just my granddad died.

She raised me, see?

In fact...

Do you think she's still raising me?

She's Lithuanian.

In her lifetime, she stood up to Hitler, she stood up to Stalin.

Believe me, it's very difficult to argue with someone like that.

What would you argue about?

She wants me to get married, mainly.

In Lithuania, if you're not married by the time you're 30, they stop locking up

their daughters and start locking up their sons.

Did you never have a girlfriend or that?

Oh, aye.

Angela.

Do you know, I still cannae say Angel Delight without accidentally saying

Angela.

You did just then.

Do I?

Well, I must be getting over her then.

Is that your car park down there?

The Angel Egg Room? Aye.

How did you know?

I've seen you get out of it.

It may not look like much, but mark my words, it'll be a classic one day.

I'll take you out for a spin sometime, if you like.

No.

Well, they don't usually let me out, see.

In case I start posing a danger to myself or others.

Francine, how did you come to be in here?

Oh, look!

There's McTavish.

He's a cat that lives on the grounds.

Oh! He's gone now.

You cannae pick him up or that cos he's wild, but everybody knows him. I saw him

the other day, the big black cat. Aye, and dead fat.

Francine, I hate to break this to you, but he is a she and she is pregnant.

He's not pregnant.

He's just dead fat.

What, with those wee skinny legs?

Francine, trust me, she's pregnant. He's not pregnant. He's just fat.

He's too much and he's fat, right?

I'm just fat.

Daisy, you should write these things down if you've no memory for names.

I wanted to bump into you again because I want to give you that £2.60.

No, it's OK.

Consider breakfast on me.

No! I never accept charity and I rarely borrow.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

It says that in the Bible.

Now, don't frighten Daisy again. I told you she has a heart. condition.

Thanks.

You're a salesman, is that right, MacLennan?

Aye. There you are. I don't forget a thing.

Mined like a steel trap.

You tell me something, I don't forget it.

What was it you said again?

Double glazing. Double glazing.

Well, that's a stupid thing, isn't it? Does that mean that you have two windows

for every window in your house? Is that right?

Aye.

Isn't that a bit dark?

I mean, you might as well have two doors for every door and two walls for every

wall. Well, it keeps out the drafts. My roof keeps out the rain, but it doesn't

mean I need shoes.

Look, I've got to go to work now.

But I'm puzzled, McKenna.

Look, take one of these brochures.

It'll explain everything.

No problem, three o'clock is fine.

I've still got two more days.

Griffin said, just in case.

Fergus.

Fergus!

What are you doing?

Dripping.

Where have you been all morning?

Go on. Get yourself dry.

And I'll take the wire cutters, Fergus.

Fergus, did you get them?

Aye, second hand, 50 quid. This is brilliant, brilliant.

They're first professional headphones.

Did you get the pin?

I'll have to put my name on them. That's how they do it in professional radio.

But you did all this cash anyway.

Sold my John all my cigarettes.

For 60 quid?

Well, it was nearly eight packs.

And he did offer.

He was desperate.

Well, what are you going to do for fags?

I'm giving it up.

I've got to take care of my voice.

And may God strike me dead if I so much as engage in passive smoking.

Well, everybody smokes in here.

Then I'll stop breathing in.

Come on, let's try these out at the station.

Dad.

Hello.

You're wet.

Next time I'll take my clothes off before I get into the bath.

I thought he was a doctor.

Only part-time.

I was wondering if you'd thought about what we're saying.

Yes, I have.

And I've decided that you're absolutely dead on. I'm 19 years old and it's time

I started thinking about my future.

Oh, why?

You're going to be proud of me, Dad.

Because I've decided that my future, my life's work, my soul's passion is going

to be this.

You're going to be an airline pilot.

No.

A radio disc jockey.

And I can get all the experience I need right here on the hospital station.

Back to that, are we?

Back to what?

Well, six months ago you wanted to be a pop star.

Well, it was different. I cannae sing.

Two years before, you wanted to be a racing jockey.

I'm afraid of horses.

Before that, you wanted to be an actor.

I cannae remember lines, but this is different. I'm good at it. I know I am.

Ah, well, there's a lot of things that are going to be different from now on.

Your mother and me have been talking, and we've decided it would be a good

idea if you went to your Auntie Susan's for a bit.

But she lives in Perth.

Yes, but you can go to adult classes there.

You'll get the peace and quiet that you need. I can't go to Perth. I've got to

stay in Glasgow to work in the station.

I need the experience.

You need to get well.

But I'm no ill.

You can't make me go to Perth. I'm 19 years old and I'm staying in Glasgow to

work in the station. I'm going to be a professional DJ, whether you like it or

not. You stand there, shouting at the dub of your voice, throwing your arms

about like some mad scarecrow.

And you're telling me you're not ill?

You're not capable of thinking straight.

And some straight thinking needs to be done.

And your mother and me have done our best to look after you.

If that's not good enough for you, then there's nothing left but to have you

sectioned.

And let the doctors decide.

Oh, Jesus.

You'd have me sectioned?

I come round on Monday to collect you.

Your uncle has loaned me his car.

Have you never been young, Dad?

Is there never anything you wanted to do?

You wanted to be more than anything in the world.

Oh, aye.

Goalkeeper for Glasgow Rangers.

For a fucking good it did me.

Eddie, I've been looking for you. I just wanted to pop in before I went home to

collect those figures you promised.

Oh, aye.

There's been a wee problem with the figures. Some of them are still missing.

What?

Invoices, receipts, budgets.

Aye. You've lost all your documents. No, no, it's just been misplaced a wee bit.

Hello, Fergus.

Evening. Well, then, what's this?

Nominal ledger, pouches ledger, budget, forecasts.

My, well, I don't think I've seen such neat numbers since I was doing

accountancy.

Aye, aye, well, I need to turn up.

Excellent.

Well, I'll go over these.

And I'll talk to the board at the meeting next week.

Could I just have a wee word?

Aye.

Eddie, nobody could admire you more than I do for involving the patients.

But I think the intention when we decided to fund the station was that

there would be a regular staff of outside volunteers, reliable people.

We've never been let down.

Eddie, some of these patients have horrendous problems.

It's not fair to expect too much.

They keep telling me how much they enjoy it.

You can't always listen to them.

Francine!

Come. Campbell!

I thought you said you were going to give up cigarettes.

I also said I was going to become a DJ.

Time's up, McKenna.

Ah, there you are, McKenna.

See, you can't escape me, can you?

Harriet. How do you remember my name that time?

That's because you wrote it down, didn't you?

No, it's no easier to forget.

I've been reading this brochure you gave me about double glazing.

I must admit I was sceptical, but this brochure convinced me.

Less drafts, less noise, and almost... What a together excellent idea.

Maybe you could come round and tell me how much it would cost at my place. It's

awfully draughty, you see.

Do you want me to give you a quote?

No, I want you to tell me how much it will cost.

And I don't want that dreadful aluminium stuff.

It reminds me of flattened out tins. I want the plain white sash windows.

Discreet and stylish.

Write it down, then. You know what your memory's like.

Here you are, then.

You need to show me which flat.

Oh, it's all mine.

It's a bit much for me since my husband died, but it was in his family for so

long, you see.

Now, there are 35 windows back and front.

Have you got your own tape measure?

This old house once knew children.

This old house once knew a wife. This old house was full of comfort as we

focused on life. This old house once ran laughter. This old house heard many

shots. Now it's a trembling doubt that there was a new life in the world.

Ain't it gonna be this house no longer?

Ain't it gonna be this house no more?

Ain't got time to fix the scene. Ain't got time to fix the floor.

This is Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show, and I hope everyone in this old

house is tuned in and ready to rock and roll.

That's right, because it's time for the Looney Tunes show, and I want you

dancing loonies, I want you singing along, I want you clapping your hands

and stamping your feet. If there's a strange voice in your head, get it to

sing along.

If there's a catatonic sitting next to you, wake him up!

This is for all of you having ECT tomorrow. I hope you get some good

vibration.

I'm picking up good vibrations.

She's giving me expectations.

I'm picking up good vibrations.

Well,

I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here tonight.

As you may know, this is the fourth and last Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.

The good news is that it's because I'm being discharged.

The bad news is I'm going to be living in Perth. And our first competition

tonight was to find a special dedication to the town of Perth. And the winner is

Margaret on Ward 11. And she dedicated this song to the town of Perth.

Ach, that's no dance music, is it? We're supposed to be rockin' and rollin'

because we are loonies and we are proud.

I'm a manic depressive and I'm proud, my friend. Some of the greatest geniuses in

history have been manic depressives on a manic roll.

Vincent van Gogh, Handel, Schumann, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Spike

Milligan, Vivien Leigh. That is 100% true, folks. And this is for all you

manic depressives out there. We are loonies and we are proud.

higher than I've ever been lifted before.

So keep it up!

Have you ever noticed how much mental illness imagery there is in popular

music? Tonight our guest on the Looney Tunes show is Professor of Musicology,

Dr. Boogie.

Aye, aye, in the popular music we find much image gives of mental illness,

indicating it's in an underlying fear and fascination with madness. For

example... Please lock me away.

He's away.

Now this expresses the deep anxiety about going a little bit crazy, yeah?

Another example is... This expresses the deep anxiety about going a lot crazy

with the pyromaniac overtones. And then again in a song like... I've seen a

fascination with obsessive behaviour, and some songs brought the greatest

fears of all. In this case, the twin fears of abject mediocrity and of

writing crap songs.

Ah yeah, but then of course there is... Which has got nothing to do with

loonies, but it's a great song!

Whoa! I'm threatened!

I'm just gonna open a window.

Whoa! It's a long way down from this window, but I'm so high, I'll bet I

could fly.

Oh, cue the drums! Cue the song!

Jesus, Campbell.

What do you think, boys and girls?

Do you think if we close our eyes and say, I do believe in magic, that Peter

Pan will really be able to fly?

Let's try it, eh?

I do believe in magic.

Come on!

I don't believe in magic.

Well, they're coming at me, folks.

They're coming at your very own Campbell Bay. But wait, wait, they've got the

perfect job.

Oh, yes, we're really seeing some action now, Brian.

Oh, the nursing staff have been at a temporary disadvantage, but I think

they're beginning to get the overhand now.

Yes, they found the spare key.

It may be all of a sudden.

Oh, no.

The key's in the lock from the inside, and there's not a thing they can do

about it.

Oh, wait.

Oh, the wiggy's due of smithing. Now, he's their heavy.

If he can't break through, then honestly, I don't think anyone can.

He did it! He topped the graph! And he did it!

Wait, I've got a question. What are you joking?

Is Looney once in a pub with his dog in the bar and said, Hey, when he dogs in

here pub, Looney Perkins was a talking dog and he says, Look, if I can make an

answer to three questions, can he stay in the bar and let's see it? And so the

guy says to the dog, he says, What's the text on the sandpaper? And the dog says,

Bruh. And then the little guy asks, Who was Scotland's goalkeeper in the 1971

cup? And the dog says, Bruh.

and not impressed, he grabs the guy by the collar and throws him into the

street.

Then he grabs the dog by the collar and throws him into the street.

And as they're lying in the gutter, the wee dog looks up with tears in his eye.

The wee dog looks up with tears in his eyes and he says,

DiMaggio?

Hello, this is Francine, and the next song you're going to listen to is Hound

Dog.

You ain't nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time.

You ain't nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time.

Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine.

Well, they said you was hot, Claire.

Well, if we're just to lie.

You know, they said she was high class.

Well, that was just a lie.

Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine.

I wanted to try and see Campbell if I couldn't.

Oh.

Froggy. Fairly lucid.

It's my fault, isn't it?

No.

You're not thinking of giving up, are you?

I am.

Don't.

One of my patients, Dorothy, she's in here more often than she's out.

Whatever I suggest to her, she always does, no matter what.

If I say, Dorothy, would you like a bath?

She goes for a bath.

If I say, Dorothy, would you like to play cards?

She plays cards.

Saturday night, she was dancing.

She's not very good on her feet, and I was afraid she'd fall, so I said,

Dorothy, would you like to sit down now?

She said, don't piss off, Isabel.

Keep making waves, Eddie.

What's this?

Did somebody die?

I came from work.

Big day of the day.

Salesman of the month.

Salesman of the month, eh?

How are you?

Great.

Saw my shrink this morning.

Says I'm definitely not stable yet.

We're gonna keep me in another six to ten weeks.

Do you realise how much we could make of that station in six to ten weeks?

Anything's possible, man.

Aye, well... I think they're up to you.

Great acting, eh?

I'll beat them, Eddie.

I'll beat the bastards.

You did my figures for me.

Just made them neat and tidy.

Rosalie? How would you like to be my station manager?