Original subtitles

foolish mortals you have come upon the gates of hell prepare to meet your fiery

fate in an orderly fashion three lines please boo come inside the

gates where we have no used condoms to step on what about you guy texting why

don't you text the rest of your boy band to come down to hell anyone any takers

that was pathetic you don't know the First thing about carnival barking.

Time for school, son.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Repent now, foolish mortal, for ye are now the gates of hell.

That is how that's done.

Enthusiasm, bro.

And always throw the horns.

Always! Yeah, man, because there's nothing depressing about old metal heads

still throwing up horns. Listen here, skinny jeans fucknose.

This place can't survive forever without customers. No customers, no money. No

money, no park.

No park, no park.

No park, no park. What are you, a valet at P.F. Chang?

You do know that you just repeated yourself, right? Or did you get pummeled

with so many leather dildos at a Judas Priest concert that you have no idea

what you're saying right now? Listen, it would be an honor to be fucked by Judas

Priest. You don't know shit about dick or rock or roll.

Get that Leptar to fix this shit. I'll tell him. You could also tell him that

he looks like a prime candidate for type 2 diabetes.

So funny, Clegg. You know, I hear you talking about my friend, but it looks

like the words are coming out of a dog shit snowman.

Hey, man.

Do you have a time machine so I can go back in time and punch your mom in the

stomach so you don't grow up to be you?

Uh, uh, bitch head.

Augie! The ride's broken again.

I'll punch your dick off with my mouth, bro.

Okay, red is the relay and white is the ground.

Hey,

what is going on up there?

Um, I'm sorry. I just shorted out part of my body. It's very dark in here.

Zonar, mistress of the macabre, is in need of power.

Just let me get a flashlight and then I'll... Okay, so I'll just need to check

the, uh... Hello?

Madam Zonar?

Why? Should I?

Oh!

Well,

I mean, I... Oh!

Okay,

I just need to find your breakers.

It's true that I smother my sadness with carbs.

It's my private shame

I

sense that you are good with your hands. Thanks.

Please sit down.

You are talented young one But you spend too much time fucking your hand.

What? How did you? Yes, and your hand doesn't enjoy it. It's not consensual.

No, that's not true at all. Basically, you're raping your own hand. No. And

that is why nobody loves you. You're way off. Nobody will ever love you.

Augie, what are you doing?

Please, sit down.

Madame Zonar, dreamer of desires, senses a need within you. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, I work here. Can you not talk like that? You're an adult on planet Earth.

Well, maybe if you put a circuit breaker on my crystal ball, I could do my job

here. Yeah, we gotta get this whole place in shape or we're all gonna be out

of jobs, okay? You could use some shaping up yourself.

I know I may be old and wrinkly, but my power can provide.

Really? So can my vagina.

Not my breasts so much. They've been used and abused.

You know what? I take one look at you and my dick hops out of my pants, goes

and gets a gun and blows the head of its own dick off.

That is not the first time I have been told that by a man.

Bro, I saw the way you were looking at her. Wait, what?

Thinking about throwing Madame Bonar part of your baby dick? Remy, that's

fucked up, dude. No way. Come on, Og. You need the experience.

And she rubs balls for a living.

I mean, they're crystal, so at least she'll be careful, but she's like a

thousand years old. I mean, she must be like a sandpaper factory down there.

Dude, don't knock sandpaper. My cat licked my penis when I was in sixth

grade, and I still think about it.

Not again.

We gotta put this horse down. Dude, this place is in trouble. The Gates of Hell

is our main attraction, and it's falling to shit.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you're the handyman, Augie, so fix it. No, no, no, I would, but Clev told

me there's no money to fix it.

Ouch! Hey!

Sorry.

Ouch! Did you ask Kurt for the money?

No, no, no, no, because he's... The assistant manager.

Cleb's the manager.

His name is Cleb. I mean, imagine his parents. Yeah, it does feel like they

gave up just as soon as they started choosing baby names.

Hot fuck action to the max. That's what I like. Fuck action.

Clocking out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're seriously leaving early? That's right.

Got a hot date tonight with Madame Zonar.

Oh, you mean the fortune teller.

I'm pretty sure I saw her on deck today, slipping around in what appeared to be

her own vomit as she was trying to poo off the side of her boat.

That's my lady.

Well, not to be a dick, my friend. Just pointing out the obvious here.

You don't really have any skill sets. And then, you know, you smoke a

tremendous amount of weed. And you spend all your time talking to alcoholic,

mentally ill fortune tellers. That's me. All while the rides are in dangerously

bad condition.

Whoa, I told Remy to tell Augie to fix them. That buck has been passed.

Well, yeah, right. But still, I mean, one of us has to maintain a safe park,

you know, so our customers don't die on the rides.

Well, I guess we gotta figure out who's gonna do that.

You or me.

Well, since you're the manager... 420.

See you tomorrow.

Awesome. All right. Thank you so much for all the stuff you do, Cleb. Whatever

that is, bud.

You're going down.

Watch out now.

So, dude, after break, we need you to order some parts for the gates. Not this

time. The park is done. What? What?

The park is done?

Bullshit. We just got a letter from the bank. The place is bankrupt.

Bankrupt? How could you let this happen? Me?

This place is a dinosaur, man. Other parks have roller coasters that

rearrange your organs.

We got a squirt gun balloon race and a needle exchange program.

Kurt, remember the three of us were going to bro out here forever?

I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe I'll go to college.

Oh, really, bro?

Awesome, man. Yeah, just go to college, dude. Come on. What, are you going to

major in roofies with a minor of... Let's get the fuck out of here.

I'm sorry you don't have a fallback plan, Remy.

Maybe you should go ask that fortune teller, Madame Zonar, for some career

advice.

Let's go see if the bearded lady will give you a beach.

I'll go get the chloroform.

Kurt, steal that clown's knife. Yeah, we should carve our names in the pier. And

after high school, if we're still hanging out at this park, we'll all slit

our wrists with that knife.

The

fool

again? Did I shuffle these?

Ah, you were...

You knew I was gonna come? I am Zonar, I know all.

Wow, what am I thinking right now?

I sense you are haunted by the dark underlords of the sea.

Ha! Not even close.

I was thinking about sucking my own dick in front of my family on Easter.

That is not the first time I have been told that by a man.

Ah, where was I?

Tis the sad fate of the cynic to miss the offerings of the spirits.

The power is within you, child, should you choose to look for a sign.

Look for a sign, really? It's that simple?

What? The Book of Beelzebub.

Is the devil crying?

Wow. What is it?

Oh, I was just wondering where you got this book.

A spirit bequeathed it as an offering from the Dark Lord.

Dark Lord queefed it on you? What does that mean? Can I borrow it? No, this

isn't a library.

I know, it's a lesbrary filled with creepy old laities.

Don't worry, look into the future. You'll see me rejoin this book.

Remy!

Remy!

Remy! Remy!

Whoa. Hey, buddy.

What's up?

You don't look so good, man.

Guys, check it out.

What's that?

That is the book of Beelzebub, the key to saving the park.

Wait, what?

Dude, I don't get it. Look, people travel across the world to see the face

of Jesus on a tortilla, right? Huh? Well, the same people will come to the

park in droves to see Jesus' enemy cry like a pussy.

Still ain't gonna save the park. Come on, Kurt. Doesn't this park mean

anything to you anymore?

Honestly, not really. Kurt, you lost your virginity right there on this ride.

Augie tried to lose his virginity there with the strongman.

That's why you should care about this place, man.

Whatever. Hey, bro, can I get a mint?

No. Come on. I'm always lending you stuff, and you never pay me back.

Don't bust my balls. Just give me a mint.

All right, look. If you promise to hit me back, I'll give you one of my La

Petite mints.

Okay. I promise to give you one back.

So you currently have mints in your possession?

I have a pack of mints in my pocket right now. I just happen to like Remy's

flavor better.

All right.

Well, just swear on the book of Beelzebub. Fine, I swear.

Give me your hand. Why?

Blood oath.

Ow! Jeez, who does that anymore?

Uh, by the smitten brow of Beelzebub, this oath doth bind me.

May I keep its sacred words, or Beelzebub will find me. Yes, it's

official.

Wow, fuck, finally.

Now that's a refreshing mint. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, I'm aware

of that. Now give me one of yours.

Ah, yes, of course.

Hmm, wait a minute. That's weird.

Oh!

Oh, man, I thought I had my mints, but I guess I don't. Sorry, I guess I can't

honor my oath.

Oh, typical Kurt.

Promise and don't deliver.

Typical Remy. Always keeping score.

Uh, guys?

You made an oath!

Who cares?

You swore on devil shit! Fuck devil shit! Look out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

Everything's going in! Hey! Kurt!

Hey! Help me!

This is one of your bullshit tricks, Remy! If this is a prank, I'm gonna

fucking kill you!

Bezosian!

What just happened? I don't know. Jesus Christ. I have no idea what I just saw.

What did you do?

What are you talking about? What did I do? I didn't conjure up a vortex. Kurt

just got sucked into another dimension, Remy. Oh, really, Augie? I thought that

portal went to Barnes & Noble. We gotta go in after him. Kurt wouldn't go in

after me.

Yeah, he would. He's your friend.

I hate friends.

You were the one that made it a blood oath. All right, let's go.

This mysterious portal better be quick!

I wish we were in Barnes and Noble.

I'm not being a pussy. That was really scary, right? I'm so scared my shit just

shit its pants.

Where are we? I don't know. Why do you act like I've done this before?

What are those things? Look, it's Kurt.

I'm an American. Jack, get your hands off me. Don't waterboard me, dude. Where

are we?

We're screwed!

Who are those people?

Pepperoni pizza, please.

There ain't no pepperoni pizza.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it does say Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, so I thought maybe I

could get some pizza as well. It says pizza, and it says taco, but we only got

taco.

You're being tortured.

Oh, all right. Order another pizza. I think I see where this is headed. Just

order the damn pizza.

All right, we'll have a pizza with extra cheese, please. There ain't no pizza.

You can have a chalupa.

Burrito... Chiro... Now, it does say Pizza Hut Taco Bell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Welcome to hell.

Oh, my God! We're in hell!

Make a fire!

If you lend him a pen, he chews on it. Make a fire!

Fat guy with the nickname Tiny.

Make a fire!

Lunch? Damn, man, we got 20 minutes before break.

Ah, who's gonna know?

Sometimes I think your heart's not in this anymore.

Sorry, man. I'm just going through some fucking life changes right now, you

know? I'm gonna throw you into fucking fame. Is that immortal?

What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, who, us? Uh, just floating around trying to get ham, dude.

Spring breaking it?

Bullshit going on. Take him back to processing.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Take him to the office.

Where? Wait, let's talk about this.

Ouch! Hey!

Come on!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Okay, okay!

What

is

this

place?

Wait, what the fuck is that thing?

Remy? Remy? What? There's nobody here.

I don't know, Aki.

This place is incredible.

No, Remy. Don't touch anything. This is stranger danger all around us.

Now, everyone, eat your own genitals.

We already ate them.

We'll throw... your genitals and eat them again!

Our budget is out of control!

And I've got a report here that says we're making lost souls walk over warm

coal. Uh, they're pretty hot. I walked over them myself! It felt like a

freakin' foot massage!

We've all had to cut corners.

Even the gluttons are beginning to look anorexic. Our dental plan is a steep

deductible. Our union hasn't had a sacrifice in three years. The reason

that shit's all fucked up is because we're not paying our people right. Yeah!

Our team! Hell yeah, nigga!

Dude, I can't believe you used the N-word.

What? No, I can say it down here. Down here's okay.

All of you, get the fuck out of here!

He is being a real bitch today.

Gloria, hold my calls.

Hump day.

The lunchroom fridge will be cleaned out on Friday.

They should at least give us till Monday. If you leave any food, drinks,

or containers in there... My spring rolls? They will be thrown out. That's

my food. It's still good.

What?

He's gonna be sacrificed?

I've got to find him. Oh, boy.

P.P.S. Barb's on her way down here from heaven.

What? She's flying down here right now?

I'll tell her you're unavailable.

No, no, no. Tell her I've cleared my schedule just for her.

Okay. I'm gonna be off the grid for a few minutes.

Now I'll just rub one out so I don't finish too quickly tonight.

Ah, shirts and skins with a Z.

Hey,

Remy, what are you doing? I'm looking for clues to help us find Kurt.

Ooh, the devil's cell phone. That might come in handy.

The devil's actual devil's brew.

Augie, are you okay?

Yeah, motherfucker.

That's the real shit.

More, more. I need more, please. Please give me more. I'd drink a pint of ass

blood for another sip of that boo.

I need it in sediment. If heaven's right, then I will.

Love, C.

Huh?

What the hell are you two doing here?

We're just trying to save our friend, Kurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just

in and out.

Really? Who do you think you are, Orpheus?

Who's Orpheus?

You don't know your Greek mythology, do you?

Orpheus, the mortal who came down to hell to rescue his wife? Anyone?

Man, public education.

No wonder the Chinese are kicking our ass.

Wait, so he finds mortals and rescues them from hell? Because you know what we

do to mortals in hell.

Bob is on her way down to your office.

I told her she can't go in unannounced.

Damn! Look, I'm gonna kill both of you. But I need some time alone with an angel

first. So sit over here and enjoy your last few moments alive.

It's going to be great. You're going to love it. Take your time. Yeah, no

worries. See you in a few.

I've

been

loving you for so long.

I don't know.

Whoa, look at this new style of yours. You're quite the dandy.

That's a real statement.

Wow,

you really look good.

Oh, you.

How do you do it? Low carbs and porn.

Barb, you got nice ones.

Oh, see, I'm not wearing a bra either.

No, your wings.

Have you had work done on your wings?

No. They're gorgeous.

Oh, devil, stop it.

I have a little... I want to help so bad.

Somehow, I have to find and extract two mortals from unauthorized damnation

within your jurisdiction.

Two mortals, huh? If I find them for you, what's my reward?

If you find them, I'll do things with you that would make the Internet blush.

This is my lucky day.

Look over there, Barb.

Minigolf. Wait, uh, hold on. Keep looking.

What? Work machine.

You know what? Stop. Just stop.

Wait, Barb, where are you going?

I'm flying back to heaven. Don't text me until you've found the two mortals.

Wait, Barb, I... I love you. Good luck.

Gloria? I need you to put out an APB on those two mortals. And make it clear

that if they're not found, I will rip every demon's head off!

Do you have any idea where they're heading?

I might have told them about Orpheus a little.

Did we just get name-checked by hell's public address system? One is a normal

-looking guy, and the other one looks like he only eats dough.

That seemed a little mean.

Anybody? Whoa! Augie, Augie, check it out! A gondola!

Let's go!

Dude, we're Gondola in 60 seconds.

Boo.

What? Gone in 60 seconds is a movie about you eating a wedding cake.

Do you know where we're going?

Let's find Orpheus.

I got an idea for another great punishment.

Imagine this. Hot girl, she asks you out. She's like, hey, let's go do Bikram

yoga. You go, you do yoga. It's hot, it's sweaty, she looks fucking great.

She shows you every major flexibility that she has. Sweaty in all the right

places. What do they call that one move? Dog down.

She can get her feet behind her ears.

She can put her legs behind her fucking neck and walk home on her ass.

She's making her body into that alphabet right there on that yoga mat. A, B, C,

D. And she's spelling out fuck me.

Of course she is. While you're doing yoga, which sucks for you. But you're

going to do it because you're going to get to fuck this hot girl after. Oh, I

love that.

And at the night, good night, I got to go home.

What? So you do yoga day after day and no sex. That would be the ultimate.

punishment for any man.

That's a great punishment. I've always feared that I was meant to die a virgin.

Like that's my main purpose.

Shut up, Augie.

Hey, does that look like those mortals?

They found us. Oh, I guess it is. Throw them in the lake of fire.

The mortals have been spotted on the devil's gondola. Come on, over here.

Bring back the mortals, alive.

Let's go.

Wait, two, one.

It's a living.

I'll cut that little face of yours.

Maybe I'll make a bigger mouth.

Here,

you want a soda pop?

Oh, I wouldn't say no.

It's flat.

You got a flat soda.

You got me.

Here, you want some Neapolitan ice cream? Oh, thank you. All right, here it

is. Oh, now someone seems to have eaten all of the chocolate and vanilla. Yeah,

that's right. You just had strawberry.

You should drink some of this milk.

I'm not usually a milk drinker.

It's quick.

It's strawberry quick. Not even chocolate quick. No, it's strawberry

crap. It's not fun. Welcome to hell.

Let's see. Alumni Association.

No thanks. Starving children?

Fuck you.

Devil, Sal and Dave called to say they lost the two mortals you were looking

for. I think Bob's going to be disappointed.

Damn it. I'm surrounded by idiots.

Put them through.

Hey, boss.

What are you doing?

I just did yoga. Turns out dudes only.

Huge bummer.

Oh, good.

Oh, good. You're finding your core.

This is good to hear. Hey, once you find your core, go find the mortals!

Okay, plan of attack.

Let's see if I, uh... Aha!

Gloria, I need you to announce the biggest sacrifice at the crossroads that

hell has ever seen.

Okay, devil. Then I'll simply wait for the other mortals to come to me.

I really gotta grow a mustache.

Now let's see here. Push this thing.

Faster than I remembered.

This elevator can't be up to code.

Let's see the last time. It was inspected.

Okay.

Void in my bowels.

You can do this, buddy. This is for the demons.

this shit. Let's do this!

All right, everybody, prepare to meet our dark lord!

Oh,

hell, the god of lies!

You're goddamn right. The worst of the worst.

Fucking A.

The hell pig of Buck Mountain.

Don't love that one.

The douchiest of all birds. That was kind of mean, actually.

The dick of all assholes. Okay, that's enough.

The guy who fucks your mother and tells you about it. Always just one step too

far.

Hot fuck action to the max.

That's what I like. Hot fuck action to the max.

Got a big dick.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Where am I?

You poor dumb bastard.

You don't even know what's going on.

Fella, you're in hell.

Oh, boy.

And who are you?

Can you believe this guy? I'm the fucking devil!

had the decency to torture this guy before I got down here.

The boys were just hoping to see the master at work.

You are the man, the devil.

Enough ass-kissing.

Now, which one of these dastardly contraptions shall I use?

Ah, perhaps this one.

Oh, no, no, that's our foosball table, chief.

Moving on.

Aha!

Get in here.

Okay There tell me of the pain you feel so we may laugh at you

Okay Actually, the bouncing up and down is kind of giving me a tickle in a funny

spot. It is not tickling. Is this a Sibian? No, I assure you this is a

Sibian you get off me on It's a Sibian

Come on. What do you want? I'll give you anything.

Please don't do this. Please.

I'll stroke your shaft and play with your nuts.

I'll stick my fingers in your ass. I will tickle your balls.

I'll suck everybody's cock here.

Whose cock is first?

Don't do this.

I'll suck.

Kill them all and let God sort them out.

Who's next?

Shut up, or I'll drill your brains and turn you into sex zombies.

Why are you mortals here?

I, uh, uh, he, he found a crying devil book and made our friend take a blood

oath, which I was up for, but now I look back on his mistake.

And he broke the oath. That's why we're here. Not because I- Why are you looking

for Orpheus?

Because he- Because Orpheus is the only one who can save our friend!

Hey, you tricked us. Yeah, that's false advertising.

I know.

I'm bad.

But I could still kill you because I'm half demon.

Oh, okay.

Take me to Orpheus.

Only if you take us to Kurt first.

Fuck no.

Um, yeah, the way I see it, you can't find Orpheus without us. So we've got

the upper hand, purple lady.

Take me to Orpheus.

Hey, that's my heart. Ten.

Nice. Heart belongs in body. Oh, do you need your little heart?

Seven. Pretty sure you're gonna die. Take my liver. It's already dead. It

needs its owner. Put it back in. Five. Oh, it's slowing down.

Three.

Two. It shouldn't be outside of my body. Take your last breath.

Okay, okay, okay. Don't kill my friend.

I saw...

A white light. And then my grandma mommy was there, and she was like, Hey,

Remington, would you like a cookie? Where's Orpheus?

Okay, okay, I got his address in here. God, crack screen.

He's in the ancient... Ah, the ancient realm.

It looks like the corner of Inferno and Martin Luther King Jr. Drive.

It sounds like a good neighborhood.

Do you know where that is?

Dermessa, that lying bitch.

He's been down there this whole time.

Uh, everything okay?

Yeah. You guys help me find Orpheus, and I'll get you to your friend Kurt.

Yes. Deal.

Okay,

everyone, keep it down. Let's get this thing started.

Is that the mortal you're feeding to Beelzebub? Don't worry about it. Okay, I

got it handled.

Gang, Kurt.

Kurt gang.

Hey, nobody told me it was bring your mortal to work day.

Oh, is that what you think we're here for so you can all make jokes?

I just got word we're going to start judging pets so dogs can go to heaven.

You know what that means?

Yes, we're getting all the asshole dogs.

Yeah, we get like inbred motherfuckers.

That's a lot of dogs. I'm not running a kennel here.

Hey, you! Does everyone have dogs?

Well, not everyone.

I have a cat.

You know what the hardest part about having cats is? Telling your parents

you're gay.

No.

Hey! Cut the homophobic shit!

You got it? Did you know that Azazel over here is gay?

Sorry to ouch you, Az.

Anyway... Now I gotta figure out who's gonna clean up all that dog shit.

No. Hey, bro, just let the fucking mortal do it. Or feed it to the

gluttons. Yeah!

Come sit over here, buddy.

Whoa!

Hold on.

It's gonna get bumpy.

Dima, I think we're lost.

The GPS says we're supposed to pass a bail bonds and a wig store.

These idiots that work for me make a pile of shit and then they say, turn it

into roses.

Whoa, what happened?

Oh, that's better. Bro, you just fucking shrunk. Well, that version of me is sort

of my business suit. Keeps the demons in line.

Really? Devil, the computer network is down again.

I don't need this right now.

And IT can't get here till tomorrow.

Do you know that everything we use here is Dell?

Can you believe that?

Uh... I would much prefer a Mac.

It's friendlier for creative types. You know, I consider myself an artist. Oh,

an artist like Picasso or Banksy? Can I see some work?

Well, I do have this one thing that I've been working on. Oh, you gotta let me

see it. It's a blacklight painting. And you see here, this is a little devil on

a dune buggy, right? And he's flipping off... What? What is that? I can't read

your reaction.

No, it's really good.

Interesting thing about this... It's like a fucking cartoon.

Nope, that's a realist painting.

That's fucking hilarious.

God. Do you have any more funny pictures? No, you don't get to see any

more of my art. There's your first punishment in hell. Oh.

That's... You did it to yourself.

We're almost there.

We gotta go to the bathroom.

Use a cup.

This is the way to Orpheus.

What is this place? A microbrewery? Stay behind me and keep quiet.

What the... Fuck is that thing?

Dermessa. You wanna party?

She's been in a 2,000-year bender. I want you to come on over here and look

under my flap. Please stop.

Is that right, Mom?

Mom? How could you do it? All these years I've been searching, and he's been

down here this whole time. He's a fuckface and a deadbeat.

What? Orpheus is a poet, a noble warrior.

You're in love with a drink.

I wouldn't dare.

Open the portal.

You stupid little bitch.

Devil's brew.

I'll lick your can for 30 more drops. Stop it. I'll fucking kill you.

You should have told me.

I'm a swan.

My bottom says meow.

You fat pillbill.

Oh, mama. Oh, God!

Why are we going down here again?

Kurt. Right.

Your friend Kurt. Our friend Kurt.

Yeah.

He's not what you think.

He's only gonna disappoint you, Dima.

I'm used to disappointment.

It feels like my brain is vibrating in a good way. Best thing about whippets,

you'll feel totally fine in 15 seconds. We used to do these at the carnival all

the time.

So, Devil, what's your story, man? How'd you get down here? I used to live

upstairs, you know. Was actually besties with the big man.

You mean God?

Yes, sir. I was in charge of his armies, too. But they went off to battle, and I

was off with this sweet set of wings.

Man, there was this angel that was epic in bed. She had a pussy inside her

pussy. What? Is that real?

Turns out God was dating her, too, so I guess I'm the asshole.

So, wait, wait, wait. You're the devil and have been condemned to hell for

eternity for fucking God's girlfriend?

Yep. Oh, it sounds like you got some kind of angel fetish, man. They're gonna

be the death of me.

Check this shit out.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, what's her name?

Barb. I fucking love her, man.

But she barely knows I exist.

Oh, I doubt that.

Oh, man, those wings are so white and soft.

Barb, why aren't we married?

Whoa!

Migraines in hell are really bad.

I blacked out.

Yeah.

Don't let me drink Devil's Brew again. Oh, my God.

Hey, I didn't have sex with that blue lady, did I? Not in the biblical sense.

Whoa. Whoa.

This must be the way to Orpheus.

What, we're gonna swim there? Nope, we're gonna take that submersible.

Cool.

Augie, take this rope and attach it to that hook.

Remy, you go inside and man the controls.

Come on, hop to it. Jeez, whose side are you on?

What, you don't like teamwork?

I'm just trying to be positive and build a foundation of trust within the

framework. Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Me strokey. Me have a strokey.

Losing motor skills.

Tasting pennies.

I'm releasing the first cable now, Augie.

Damn it, Augie. Get inside.

I'll have to adjust the ballast manually.

Hey, what happened? I'm so fake interested.

Purple

paradise.

Come on, you guys, if we're gonna get through this, you're gonna have to

listen to me.

I do what I want, when I want.

Really? Get this off me.

You're gonna wear this until you learn to listen.

Well,

dip me in salt and lick my asshole.

What? It's a saying I'm trying to get started.

Hey, what's this?

Yeah, that's my idea book. I jot down new punishments I think of as I go about

my day.

Well, the devil has a little genius pad. Let's hear what you got.

It's a catapult right with poop inside.

See now these here. They're stink lines Whoa, whoa, wait devil that dude getting

sacrificed looks a lot like me. Yeah, my cartoonist is good, huh? Well, you mean

that's supposed to be me Yeah, you're the one being sacrificed.

I thought I told you that

Augie

get your head in the game man. What's the matter with you? I don't know Remy.

I think I'm in love No, no, no, we're coming in too fast You wouldn't even

know what to do with her.

Okay, little tubby kid from Goonies?

30 degrees to starboard. I got it, Dima. I'll do it. See? We have a connection,

Remy.

Why is the sub listing?

Oh, no.

This is really bad, Augie. She said Augie.

You're in the friend zone, and you don't even know it. How would you know the

friend zone? I've only read about the friend zone in Bomber Magazine.

See, I love nobody, and that's what makes me a leader.

This is an RPG nightmare.

Where there's no leveling up. Oh, my God.

D.Va, are you okay?

We've crossed over to the ancient realm.

Get behind me!

You travel the path of Orpheus.

Yes, we do.

Then know the fate of Orpheus.

This is the fate of Orpheus. I'm still alive. This mech is pretty tits, right?

Huh?

Wait,

you're Orpheus?

I've spent my whole life dreaming of the day I could finally meet you. Well,

that's very flattering, but I try to be up front with all my groupies. I'm not

the marrying type.

No, we've come to rescue you.

You can rescue my sperm from my testes.

You guys want to see my digs? Uh, fuck and yes together equals fuck yes.

Then fucking yes it is. Let's do this.

Orpheus, nice to meet you. I'm Augie. I put Skittles in my cereal.

Who is this mushy man?

We were told you're an expert at getting mortals out of hell.

Who told you that?

Is that true?

You're really going to kill me?

Yeah.

We're just bro-ing out. We were. But it says here that you made a blood oath and

you broke it. Seriously?

A blood oath? Yeah, it was dumb. Nobody does blood oaths anymore, not since that

guy fucked a monkey.

Well, I... You promised somebody a breath mint and you reneged. Really?

That is lame.

But also punishable by death and an eternity in hell. Damn.

Seriously? There's nothing you can do?

If you'd given him a mint back, you wouldn't even be here.

With my ideas for hell, I'm worth a lot more to you alive than dead.

Well, you got a point.

Hmm, options, possibilities. You know, I could give another mortal to the Demon's

Union, spare your life.

That's great!

What can I do to repay you? Why don't you help me to make this sacrifice a

huge event, a spectacle so big that it might even impress a certain

angel?

Deal? Deal.

That's it?

Thank you, devil. Actually, I'm going to need you to sign an initial this and

this. It's a non-disclosure agreement.

Oh, and anyone working here under my employ needs to pass a urine test. We

just did drugs together like an hour ago. I know. I just kind of wanted your

piss. Oh.

Down here!

No way!

That's so rad.

Hey,

is that a pogo stick?

It sure is, Bromeo. 150 jumps yesterday. Give it up. No breaks.

What? What?

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, I thought you said pogo sticks are for pussies. You said what about a pogo

stick?

Um... You said the pogo stick was a dick, and only a pussy would need to

jump up and down on it over and over. No, I didn't say pogo sticks. I said

hobo dicks.

Why is this woman lying?

He's a fat little lesbian that lies.

I like pogo sticks. I would never disrespect a pogo stick. This is what

you've been doing for the last 2,000 years?

You've been down here playing with toys. Check that as a yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, thank you Charon. We're fine.

That guy thinks his boats are the shit. The wood is rotting.

It's a boat only fit for illegal immigrants.

I wish he'd just row back to Cuba.

Remy Rams, check out my skills, yo.

Hell yeah, man.

Wow. Pretty cool, huh? That's me.

She looks pretty hot. Look how hot I am.

That's incredible, man. You painted that?

I painted it and posed for it at the same time.

How do you even physically do that? You're amazing.

Remy, I am just like you. I put my underwear on one ball at a time.

When did you learn to paint? The moment I was born, I came out of the womb and I

quickly turned around and I painted my mother's vagina.

You guys like the lyre?

Is that like a guitar?

I don't know. Does a guitar increase the gravity of a pair of woman's panties?

Mm-hmm.

I could make a tree bone me with this thing. And the trees will bone you here,

so be careful.

Does this sound right to you? Yeah, that sounds good. A tree will fuck me?

When I was a small boy, I was walking through a forest and a tree tried to

overpower me.

Oh, really? What did you do?

He pushed me on the ground and wrapped his leaves around my face and arms, and

then the next thing I knew, a branch was penetrating my ass. Oh, God.

It was a pointy, pointy branch.

I mean, did he wear, like, a leaf condom or anything?

No, just bark.

When he was done, he shed his acorns upon my back.

Oh,

that's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Um... Orpheus, uh, what were you wearing when the tree violated you?

You think I asked for it?

Were you maybe dressed like a bush?

I was dressed like a human being!

Alright, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go and start a shelter for tree rape victims.

It's not a joke.

Mr. Orpheus, why have you stayed here if you could leave at any time? Especially

with trees like my Uncle Carl.

Well, me and my road dogs used to come down here all the time rescuing virgins,

and they'd say, Oh, what's up now, gangster?

Let me thank you with my lady parts. Well, if I must.

Oh, by the way, this baby's yours. And then I'm just like, I'm out of here,

missy.

Responsibilities. That shit's zombie walk, man.

I'm like black people.

I'll take freedom.

Preacher, meet the choir.

Wow, Orpheus.

Don't you ever get lonely down here?

You must have once wished you had a family, right? Guess what?

No.

Fun times we're all having together.

You know what else would be fun?

Finding Kurt. It's the reason we came down here.

Fine.

Whatevs. I can get you wherever you want to go, but first, you must pass the

Trials of the Mortals.

Well, I hope you all are ready for a physical challenge.

Who wants to see how good I am?

Yes, okay.

Moving, moving, breathing very hard. Super strong, super speed.

Watch me fucking leap so high!

Stuck it. I can leap and fart at the same... Oh!

Fuck me!

It hurts so bad.

I'm weak.

You know what? You guys are good.

Everyone passed.

A pluses. Thank you.

Warriors, I've tested your mind and body.

Now, the hardest test of all. You must resist that which tears all mortal men

apart. Women.

In a minute, a super hot sexy bitch is going to come through that door and try

to seduce you into telling her the secret word. She will stop at absolutely

nothing to get it out of you. You will want to fuck her silly. Trust me.

No matter what she does, no matter how long she fucks you, do not give her the

secret word.

I repeat, do not give it to her.

The secret word is Jasmine.

Woo-hoo, boys!

Who wants to take their ball sacks and put them in my mouth?

Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine!

You all failed to resist her charms. I was watching from a remote monitor in

the other room.

But you can all move on. Back to my tiki bar.

Yes! All right!

The one that I built out of that tree that sodomized me.

Didn't we pass?

I don't understand.

I can't believe I've spent my entire life looking for this loser.

I just need to find out one thing for sure, and then I can put this behind me.

Wait, what?

Garcon, these men need some victory juice to pour down our head holes.

Let's make a toast.

You're rescuing Kurt.

No, to all the road dogs who had the courage to leave their pregnant wives.

Yeah, fuck them hoes. Orpheus, I bet you like all flavor bitches.

The fuck I do. Chinese, Asian, Korean, Pan-Asian, Pan-Korean.

Goo-goo guy pan.

That's a Cantonese dinner dish.

Yeah. You'd fuck a Cantonese dinner dish?

Um, yes.

Well then, cool.

No fat bitches.

No.

Dima? You're the coolest chick ever. You're just like me. If you didn't have

a pussy, I'd think you were my son.

And if you didn't have a pussy, I'd think you were my dad.

Oh, busted.

Come on, Orpheus.

Get on the real, real.

You never fucked a demon?

Well, okay.

There was just this one.

What was it like?

So we're in the bone zone. I'm really finding my rhythm. And suddenly she

drops the, oh, let's move into my cottage made of tentacles. And I was

like, peace out. Man, I heard she really plumped up. Twinkies just jumped into

her mouth.

What was her name?

I barely remember. I believe it was, uh, hmm.

Dermessa. Oh, shit! My face!

You deadbeat dad.

All this time I thought you were being held captive against your will.

I convinced myself that is why you never came home.

Wait, Dima, let's talk.

You're still going to take us to Kurt, right? I don't know where he is.

Orpheus was supposed to have all the answers.

You lied?

Of course I lied. That's what demons do.

What a purple bitch.

How dare you say that to her?

Someday she will be my purple wife. I told you she was a liar. Oh yeah, that's

right. Because you're smarter than everybody.

I'm Remy. Look at my weird haircut.

I wear a corduroy pea coat and listen to dubstep music.

Well, I'm tired of it. Women usually do that to me after I make love to them.

Augie!

Fuck him, Remy.

Let's watch my sweet-ass flat screen.

I have the entire Big Mama's House trilogy.

Dema!

You're pathetic, you know that?

Yeah. Where are you even going?

Nowhere. I was just looking for you. I still think we can make a great team,

huh? I don't know why you still believe in me. I come from a lying demon and a

selfish mortal.

Doesn't change who you are. My dad's, like, a big jerk, and my mom lied to him

about being a woman.

Okay. Um, I don't know what to do with that, Augie, but thanks for giving me

another chance.

Get in.

alert from the demon union what does it say it's a reminder to tune in and watch

the mortal sacrifice tonight at the crossroads that's where they're gonna

sacrifice Kurt do you know how to get there yeah it's really close to here

would you fuck big mama

yes would you bro dog I fucked every woman I've ever met except for that

smoking angel Bob she's the one that got away What happened?

She just wanted to be stupid friends.

Ugh. I don't need friends anymore.

You know what I mean? I need bros. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying, man. Wake up. See my bros in the bunk bed above me.

Play video games.

Then we order some za.

We eat it with all of our bros together. High-fiving after each bite. Then we all

take a shit together. You have a bathroom with five toilets.

Everyone making eye contact while reading Maxim.

And the next day we do the same thing. It's the way of the bro, like you said.

Well, your way or the bro is a little different than mine. But I hear you.

Coming up tonight from the QuickJet Printer Replacement Cartridge Stadium,

Shirts and Skins perform their latest single.

Later, mortal Kurt Myers will be sacrificed.

Live. Shit, Kurt.

What's up?

We gotta go.

Go where, brah? Orpheus, we gotta save Kurt.

Huh? Come on, that's what you do. You rescue mortals from hell.

Ugh, I ain't that guy anymore.

That's a young man's game.

What do you say? One last mission?

Sorry. Well, then I gotta go on my own.

Why? He's not your friend, man.

I'm your friend. You just said it. You wanted to bro out and stare at each

other on toilets.

I'm sorry, brother.

I guess I'm gonna go set five mirrors up in my bathroom and stare at myself as I

make the forbidden mud.

To the crossroads!

Pretend you're rowing to Florida.

Of course his boat has a hole in it. What a loser.

Augie!

Hey, Augie!

Hey, Dean, what's going on?

Augie, Kurt's gonna be sacrificed. We have to save him. We're handling it.

Thank you for your interest.

Um, why don't you guys get in my boat?

Look, man.

I know I was a dick. Just get in.

Fine. You want me to say it, I suppose you earned it.

I... I love you, man.

I never realized how great my friends are until I had that stupid thought that

I didn't.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, middle part. You know, I made it easy on you,

took it for granted, big close.

I'll never make this mistake again.

Mm-mm.

I really need you, dude. I can't do this on my own.

You... you need me?

Yep.

To the crossroads!

You're on in one minute!

Damn, I hate public speaking.

Anyone got a Xanax? Hey.

Hell is ours. We own this place, am I right? Right, right.

I'm the devil.

Get out there on that stage and start strutting that shit. Yeah!

Hail Satan!

I give you the devil!

Oh, and, uh, Kurt, we couldn't find any other mortals, so we have to sacrifice

you. Sorry.

Whoa, that's bullshit! Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

Hurts me more than it... Okay, thanks, bye.

Oh, come on We are about to meet our

sacrifice He's not just your average Oathbreaker.

He's a friendship forsaker. Oh You can't do this to me Why not?

Let me read it.

Uh-huh.

Boilerplate. Latin.

Legalese. Read it out loud!

I will not sacrifice Kurt if he helps me put on a real special show to impress

Barb the angel.

Ah-ha!

Bullshit! What the hell? You're right.

It's all right here. Oh, that is beautiful!

Kurt? Yeah? When is a contract not a contract?

When it's eaten.

Devil, you are a piece of shit.

I guess your contract is now null and void.

You all right there, Devil? Sound a little gassy.

Almost feels like I ate a bad burrito or something.

Not good.

Demons, continue with the sacrifice.

Stomach, let me introduce you to Toilet.

Those demons want blood I know how this song ends no They're gonna kill him! How

do we get past those guards?

I got this one.

There's nothing hornier than a demon in hell.

That takes as much as I can.

Yeah, what up?

There's my sweet baby boy. Hey!

Oh, Mama missed you. Easy, Augie. Who's she?

The devil's coming back!

The devil's gonna sacrifice me! You gotta get me out of here! All right,

let's go. Nobody mention anything...

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have an enlarged

prostate. Do you have difficulty urinating?

Yes. Weak stream?

Yes. Dribbling? Yes.

Painful urination?

Yes. Posseular discharge?

Yes. If you answered yes to all of these questions, go immediately to the

hospital. No.

Okay. In addition to one mortal, we are also going to sacrifice the daughter of

Orpheus! Zing! My daughter?

You want that or-

Beans oh shit. I've got to save her Where

the hell is my phone

an extra order of dipping sauce I

Told

you to stop calling me But I thought you'd like to know that I found the two

mortals you're looking for no You're just saying this to get me to come down

there How do I know prove it I'll take a picture with my phone and send it

to you What It's

a dick pic Oh my devil it is the

mortals I'll be right there

I'm a big fan.

Oh, that's great, man. Super cool.

Yes. Want me to sign something for you?

Will you autograph my fist with your face?

Ah, sure, man.

Oh,

God. Oh, shit. God, fuck me.

I came by to inform you that the concert has been rescheduled. The good news is

you're all still getting paid and laid. Cool. Yes.

Oh, fellas, please leave your costumes. And there is an assortment of groupies

waiting outside to suck your dicks.

Fuck yeah, doc.

My dick's gonna be a strong word.

Okay, demons and damned.

Before we sacrifice any mortals, I'd like to introduce to you my favorite boy

band.

Shirts and Skins. With a Z.

That's the way to do it.

What? That's just shirts.

Where the fuck is Skins?

Look, I'm sorry. The rest of the band is stuck in traffic.

So I'm gonna rock three times as hard!

As a young boy, I found solace In the forest, wild and

free Till that fateful day, youth was ripped away Neat the boughs of an old

oak tree He wrapped his leaves around my fragile frame And thrust me to the

grass

How my face did blanch as his mighty branch did penetrate my ass.

Now when a tree comes in the forest, tell me, do you think it makes a sound?

No, you'll only hear the wail of a brokid tart lion, but up on the ground.

My life and ass both splintered and my sphincter torn and loose.

So I mourn for my lost innocence and for all that's pure and good.

And I mourn the day I learned the painful meaning of a mourning wood.

Mourning wood.

What is this shit?

Surprise, surprise.

It is I.

Orpheus? You thought I was someone else, but I'm not someone else. I'm Orpheus,

the guy that you didn't think I was, but I am now.

Yeah, I get it. That's called a disguise. You put it on, I thought you

were someone else. No more explaining.

I can't believe you made it. Yeah, you said you were retiring from saving

mortals. I did.

But I never said anything about retiring from saving half-mortals. Really?

You came back here for me?

Yes. Look, I know I wasn't the best father, and I wasn't around for you. And

I really regret that.

Dad, that's so sweet of you to say.

Yes.

Sweet lips.

Oh, this isn't that.

Oh, I...

may have slightly misread that situation yeah uh we haven't actually done a dna

test so there's still a possibility that this isn't totally disgusting no no

matter i love you daughter okay let's get out of hell

everybody odd what

oh give me that

It's time for the sacrifice

Bob

the one that got away Oh,

yeah slutty angel

She's on the wrong side of 40 Mama

Wish I was that poor

Look

here's your mortals What is that song about getting raped

by trees it?

It was so beautiful and personal

You're such a sensitive artist.

Barb, I'm a sensitive artist too.

What the hell?

Look at the painting I did of you.

It's a blacklight painting.

Of me on a dune buggy.

Jeez Louise.

Morpheus isn't going down easy.

Here she is.

We need more ammunition.

You're not going to kill him, are you? Start folding T-shirts.

You're scary.

Darling,

I've traveled many, many miles to find you. You have?

Yes. I've tried to fight off my feelings, but the head can't tell the

heart where to go.

What do you say? You, me, and my penis get hitched and fly off into the sunset.

Aw. The only thing that matters is, Barb, do you want to spend the rest of

our life together?

They all said that our love stood not a chance That our

hearts could never keep it in their pens But when my penis saw

your sweet vagina standing cross the room What is this, Jersey Boys?

My scrotum did a backflip, and my lolly balls did swoon. I hate musicals.

Mamma Mia wasn't bad.

Now it's clear that this love was meant to be.

My vagina.

My penis.

You and me. Stop singing!

Oh, shit!

Oh, no! Hey! The demons want blood!

We gotta get out of here, now! Hurry up! Grab a fistful of water!

You don't have to call me that. Reach with your sausage fingers.

Come on, honey. Pretend we're made out of cookie dough.

I got it. Go!

Die, Orpheus.

Look out!

Oh, shit!

Barb! Fucking T-shirt.

No!

We're gaining speed.

We gotta wake her up.

She's out cold.

Do something, Remy!

Slap her harder. Try the back of your hand.

Oh, no.

Fuck me.

What's that sound?

It's a sex offender alert.

Cool app.

Shh! Quiet!

RUN!

Go go go go go go go!

Holy shit! These trees are alive, man! Careful down here. There are trees who

think no means yes.

Just don't stop running!

Wait! Where's Barb?

Help!

Help! I have to go back for Barb!

Dad, no!

We'll catch up to you!

There! Head for the cave!

I'm coming, Barb!

Hold on!

Were you trying to hit her, boss?

I mean, you shot her right between the eyes.

She's probably fine.

She's an angel.

It was a good shot.

If you meant to hit her... Knock it off! Focus!

Oof! What's that smell?

True heroes to have laid such a costly sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yeah.

But that's what you get for chasing pussy.

Stitching up your wing, this is the stitching up your wing song.

Don't you touch her! What? No! I'm helping her. Oh, really?

Orpheus?

Tree.

You look familiar.

Orpheus!

Orpheus!

Yeah, it's me, you diddler. I always hoped I'd run into you someday.

I bet you did.

No, no, it's... It's not like that. I wanted to apologize for what I did to

you. I'm sorry. He's just not going to cut it. Did you forget my gift basket?

No. You're kidding. I tracked the package.

Mm-hmm. I understand your anger, but I've done a lot of work in therapy to

get better.

Is there anything I can do to make it right?

When I find Orpheus, I'm going to mount his balls on a stick.

There is one thing.

Hey, Tree!

Have you seen an angel?

I did, yes.

Well, where is she?

Um, she went that way.

Oh, okay.

Well, good to see you.

Keep growing.

Yeah, keep growing, Tree.

What do you want me to do to him?

Shed your acorns across his back.

My psychologist's going to kill me, but I'll do it.

Let us escape to a secret place where I can motorboat those wings.

You're so dirty.

Hey, does anybody want to stop for some Red Bull and Crystal Meth smoothies?

No! No!

No! Oh, shit!

Hold on! Like you didn't do last time!

Quit screaming!

Hold on!

There's movement.

Let's go!

What are you gonna do to me? What do they want from me?

No! No! No, no, no!

Little pig in a blanket.

Uh, that tree is putting on lipstick.

Kurt!

Dima! Remy!

Are you fucking serious?

I hope that's for marshmallows.

No, no, no, no!

This is my house. You gonna screw with me?

Ah!

No!

You had a mint the whole

time?

What? A mint.

I didn't know it was there. It must have been stuck in the lining of my shirt, I

swear. Who gives a shit about a stupid mint?

A mint.

Huh?

That's it, Remy. Eat that mint.

It's too late.

I don't want your mint now.

No, no. It's not about that. It'll reverse the curse. It'll get us out.

Quick, man. Hurry up.

Get me that mint. Come on.

Put the whole thing in your mouth.

Can't reach.

Eat it. Get your lips around that mint.

I've tried my whole life. Gulp it down.

Take all of it down your throat. Make this sound when you do it.

It helps.

Remy, eat it! Eat it!

Hurry up!

Remy! Yeah! You did it, man!

Yeah! I can touch my dick with my tongue!

Hey, Remy, look!

Huh?

Holy shit! What?

That portal's kinda scared!

Care for some wine?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

It's an earthy Bordeaux, and it pairs wonderfully with I'm going to rape you.

Look, over there!

It appears the better man has won.

Don't worry, you'll still get a chance to be with her.

I will?

I'm going to go to Walgreens and buy a shitty devil mask and fuck her silly

while I wear it.

Oh, don't! Oh, come on!

Sorry, Devil.

I'm a pretty package with an ugly gift inside.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Oh, my God.

We did it.

God, I miss the smell of cotton candy.

Augie, you have a syringe stuck to your face.

This place hasn't changed a bit.

Definitely an opiate.

What?

Where have you guys been?

Man,

I'm happy to see you. What's going on here?

Whose treasure is this?

This book is amazing. The devil is the new Jesus.

Devil tears sell better than dipping dots.

Remy! Your idea worked!

Yes! Oh my god, yes!

We did it! Woohoo! What are we gonna do with all this money?

Where are all the clouds with the silver lining?

Have they blown away?

la la la

Let me just push this button to get this escalator started up again. Thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's right. There's no button.

You start walking. So just walk up to the top of the escalator? Yeah.

There's no motor going to help you out here. You're just going to walk up that

escalator. Is it something like it's a million miles long, the escalator? A

million miles long.

That's pretty good.

That would be unpleasant. Yeah, that would be real unpleasant. I only made it

one story tall.

But you're going to walk it.

Yeah, you're walking that old story.

Understood. All 27 steps.

All right, here I go. Oh, you like that, huh? Not the best, not the best. I would

have preferred if the escalator had been functioning. Welcome to hell.

Hello again.

Sit down. All right. Well, it's just here in the booster seat? Yeah, like a

baby. You're being punished in the booster seat. It's uncomfortable, I

guess, a little bit. Just sit there like you're a crying baby.

Did you need me to cry?

There's end-of-the-year evaluations. Gotcha. Okay.

Oh, booster seat.

Why?

I'm a man.

It's good. Throw in a juice box. Say something about it. Oh, I wish I had a

juice box. No, you're not getting a juice box. Oh, please. Just the one.

Welcome to hell.

Get some, get some Get some, get some

Get some,

get some.