Original subtitles

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years and the slow parade of fears

without crying.

Now I want to understand.

I had done all that I could.

I've seen the evil and the good without hiding. You must help me

if you can.

Doctor Mario!

me what is wrong for Zion was to leave them open for

so long.

As I have wandered through this world, as each moment has

unfurled, I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams.

Hey, you didn't know me.

I don't know you.

Twice in my life, I've had to deliver bad news to someone I'd never met.

Hey, the first time involved a cat that ran out in the middle of my driver's

test.

This time...

was a bit trickier. Hey.

Are you waiting for me to say something?

No. Okay.

I don't know where to start.

Well, why don't you start from the beginning?

Okay, okay.

Um... Hello?

What? Grandma!

Turn that down!

Grandma, what's the matter?

All of my life, my grandfather told me, never pick up the phone on the first

ring.

And now, he was dead. What happened?

I was the first one my grandmother called.

I waited until I could see straight before I broke the news to my dad.

You may remember him as the spiffy peanut butter kid.

My dad's the one with the spoon in his mouth.

What is it, son?

Something is stuck to my tongue.

Must be weird to have your career peak at eight.

Now he works mostly in obscure foreign films.

He's massaging her breasts. Let me see that in your eyes.

Maybe you're going to get caught.

They're not supposed to be doing that.

Will you just cut, please?

Don't answer that.

Hello? Look sexy.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Smoky eyes.

What?

That's it. Touch yourself.

Keep going. That's good.

That's it. No, I'll call them. I'll call them.

Dearest judge.

Excuse me?

My client.

Name?

Lace. Miss Lace was engaged in a consensual servicing of an

entrappable member.

Are you an attorney?

Touché, Your Highness.

Talk to me.

Counselor. What?

Whoa.

Okay. Now put the eggs down without breaking them and without using your

hands.

Come on, guys.

What's he doing?

Watch.

We don't have time for this, guys, all right?

No good can come of this.

Nice. Can we go now?

Do a shoulder stand.

Guys, come on. We got this funeral.

Grandpa's not going anywhere.

Get in the car.

Get the bowl onto the table without spilling.

This is why your mother left us.

She was a hack. I've seen better moms on TV.

I know.

I don't even know why we're going.

I mean, he was your dad.

Maybe he left you something.

He probably left it all to wifey. I know.

I know.

He picked the perfect time for this one, didn't he?

Huh?

Huh, Bert?

You know it's two weeks before his birthday.

The one day that was more important to him than his goddamn job.

And now he's managed to fuck this up too.

Nice work.

Is everybody coming?

Yeah. The asylum will be full.

I can't believe Grandpa's not going to be there. I know, sweetie.

Well, you're doing the right thing. You're fully experiencing the loss.

And when you're ready, take a deep breath in.

Like that. Try to really maximize the feelings. Feel it really intensely.

And then as you exhale, just try to let those feelings go, okay?

He just died.

Yeah.

I know.

But believe me, it's the way your grandfather would have wanted it.

To be dead?

Oh, where can she be?

Where's my little tubby turtle?

I'm not a turtle. I'm Katie.

Well, I'm looking for someone to help me eat.

You okay?

Come on.

Let's go find your grandmother.

I don't see why you want to wait.

They have a right to know. No, it's my decision now.

Fair enough. Hello?

Mom? You have an appointment with Parson tomorrow.

I don't think so.

There she is.

Anymore. Hey, Lance. Good to see you, son. Grandma.

I'm so sorry. Thanks. Oh, baby.

You know, he loved you.

And your daddy more than anybody else in the family. Oh, I know that's not true,

but thanks.

No, really.

He couldn't even remember the names of his other two children.

Three children.

Always thinking of others.

I have to go.

Are you sure you're okay?

I feel as if I finally have a chance to do something with my life.

Good.

That was great.

I see.

Lance, Katie, Katie, Katie. Oh, Alice, what are we going to do?

I think I'll just take my old room and then Danny.

All right?

Oh, just waiting to see you on television, huh?

Well, you might not have to wait very long. I actually... I just... Mother,

God, I'm trying to get to the sorrow. I really am, but I still feel so angry.

I mean, I want to just grab him and shake him and say, How dare you? How

dare you go out that back door with your little suitcase?

I mean, where in God's name are you going this time?

I'm okay, though.

I'm okay.

I'm sorry.

No! I've never heard you say that word.

Well, we don't have to make a talk show out of it, do we?

Don't tarry, don't tarry. Hi, Bert.

Hi, kids.

Look, we've had a very difficult trip, so we should probably just consider what

everybody wants to eat, and that way we can just make one dish that suits the

group. Alice and her husband Bert had managed to produce three silent

children. My tribe only eats bread and American cheese in various forms, so, I

mean...

I could make this dish. I think everybody might enjoy this little

casserole that I like to make. I'm sort of famous around my house for making it.

Have you said hello to your grandmother?

Let me take a look at you three.

Stop looking like she's going to bite you. She's not going to bite you.

Stop it. Stop feigning those feet.

My grandmother always said she wished Alice came with a mute button. If you

think it's any better at any of your friends' house, if you think it's any

better at their house, you can just pass. Pack your bags and move in with

them.

Ah, that's better.

All right, treat everybody with respect, okay?

Let's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

He wants us to say a new thank you instead of eat my ass, Chella. Hey, stop

it. All right, stop it for Christ's sakes. Where did you guys learn that

shit?

Mom, sorry about Dad.

Yeah.

You remember the boys?

How could I forget them?

Hey, G.

So, why do you leave us?

Your grandfather's will won't be read until after the funeral.

Talk about being early.

Seriously, man.

God, dude. That would hit me first. He pushed me.

Hey, Skipper. Hey.

Oh, why do terrible things always come in three?

See, Alice is already rifling through the drawers.

No, I'm looking for ingredients. I'm going to make us all dinner tonight.

Hey, Uncle Skip.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, boys. Hi, Katie.

Uncle Skip and the twins were a little heavy with hormones.

But they were at those ages.

I used to have an Aunt Lily, too, but they scared her away.

Family legend says that it was the night before their 11th birthday. What the

hell is that?

It's your birthday cake.

I was hoping it would be a surprise.

I'm more than surprised.

I'm shocked.

This isn't what we ordered.

You don't order your mother.

I spent two days making... We ordered an erotic cheesecake.

Excuse me.

You're excused.

We'll fix it.

No.

What?

What?

They ruined it.

They ruined it.

What is their birthday, right? Where did they even hear the term erotic

cheesecake?

Somebody's got to teach him these things, right? What things?

That you can make a cheesecake look like disembodied breasts?

Or an ass.

Katie, sweetheart, I want you to eulogize your grandfather.

Oh, Grandma, I don't think I can make a speech.

I wouldn't know what to say.

If it were me, I would want you to say something that made some

sense out of my life. Something that honored me.

Hey, what about Dad?

Or, um, Skip or Lucy? Your grandfather wanted you.

And you boys are going to have to help with the burial.

Your father left very specific instructions.

Okay.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, ladies.

You remember Skip?

Yeah. And these are his two boys, Tim and Jim?

Yeah, close enough.

Hey, guys, I'm Lucy's life partner, Judy.

Lizzie is...

I really can't believe he brought her.

Hello, Alice.

No, it's just I thought you'd come alone. It's family. Are you starting

already? Oh, no, no, no. It just didn't occur to me to bring my sex toys. Do you

bring any sex toys? You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your

vagina. Oh!

My vagina, as you were so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as

sacred passage for three anatomically correct children, so...

Bad image.

Erase. Erase. So who needs a drink?

Let's drink.

My family still observed the cocktail hour with a vengeance.

This isn't about you, so... Are you talking to the sex toy?

I'm sure you're a very nice lesbian. Is that the preferred term?

No. No, we prefer whore.

I think all women do these days.

I guess I owe you an apology.

Are you working up to it?

So, what do you girls do?

What do you mean, what do we do?

For fun.

We eat out, go to the movies.

Oh, normal stuff.

Grits.

Ladies.

Thank you.

What did you think we did?

No, I didn't have a... I wasn't thinking of something and I just... I

don't know what you do.

Do you think we spend all night triple-tonguing our G-spots?

It's my father's funeral, so if you could muster up just a little bit of

respect, that would be...

Yeah, don't worry about Alice. You think she's gone, she comes back.

You know?

Like herpes.

Thanksgiving.

So, how are you and Lucy doing?

Well, I mean, this is just awful.

I know. I hate being around my family, too.

Oh.

Yeah.

But, I mean, how are you doing, you know, physically?

Physically. Well, yeah, I mean, like you said, it was triple-tonguing. What is

that? Is that a thing?

What are you doing?

Go talk to your mother.

You talk to her, all right? She's a downer.

She's a widow.

She was a downer first.

Just go talk to your mother.

Excuse me. Okay.

Do you need a punch? Do you want me to punch you? You have real problems. Don't

do that. You don't throw a lemon at me in front of a lesbian.

Nice going.

Me nice going? Yeah, you.

Hi. My dad died when I was 11.

Oh.

Sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

What size are you?

Me?

Come upstairs.

This is the dress I wore on the boardwalk in 1956.

It's... It's so elegant.

It's yours.

I wore it once.

It was a great night. Maybe the best night of my life.

It's a lucky dress.

Oh, please.

Take them all.

I know we haven't spent that much time together, but I already know I like you

better than I like Alice.

And besides...

Katie and Lucy aren't my size.

Thank you.

It's a little bit runnier than usual.

This looks like it fell out of a horse.

Thanks, but I've already had my mucus course for the day. Listen, you shut

your spit cave, you foul-mouthed little shitfucker, before I beat the living

snot out of you.

I'm going down to Doc's to pick up some lobster if anyone wants in.

Yes, please.

That's a good idea. That's a good idea.

As a side dish, it's fine.

No.

God, it's so good to get out of there.

Katie, it's good to see you.

Oh, Luz, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, it's okay.

Nobody else in the family seems to give a crap.

Yeah, I've noticed.

So, you're coming?

Where?

The wedding.

What wedding?

Isn't that what you're sorry for?

I'm sorry about Grandpa.

Oh, Katie, nobody blames you.

Two for dinner?

No, I called in in order for Collins. Let me check on that for you.

What wedding?

Judy and I are getting married.

Really?

Vows and everything.

Congratulations. I sent you an invitation.

No, you didn't. It's okay.

Everybody in the family is pretending they didn't get it.

I didn't get one.

I distinctly remember weeding the family invites. I don't know.

I went to the... I put him... We...

I mailed them. I know. I am such a bonehead. Stupid, stupid,

stupid. Oh.

Well, here you go.

What are you doing down there?

It's Ryan.

Little Ryan from the beer.

Hi.

Little Ryan, my childhood friend.

Since before I can remember, we spent our summers together.

He always acted like he had a

crush on me, and I always acted like I didn't notice.

It seemed like nothing could ever come between us.

Until the last night of last summer.

Even

the

ushers who threw us out couldn't pull us apart.

His parents were off camping somewhere with his little brother.

And everything was perfect.

The flicker of the candlelight. The gentle dancing of the rain on the roof.

The familiar sound of a car door slamming.

Katie! Katie! Katie!

It never meant for anything to happen between us.

He couldn't let there be any witnesses.

I can heat up some lasagna if you boys are hungry.

Oh, hi.

I'm Katie.

Nice to see you again.

Let's hear it. No, no. Come on, do it. No.

One last time.

Okay.

This one's for dad.

Tom, take eight o'clock to my con.

If I ever single bullet to my left eye.

This is a good time.

How can this be a good time? Your dad just died.

My family could use a little good news. Trust me.

Hey, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

We sent out some invitations, or at least I thought we did, and I was

actually getting pretty angry at all of you. I suspected some sort of

conspiracy.

Anyway, myself and Judy... Judy and I.

Judy and I would like to... What is it, Fred?

It's Ted.

What are you laughing at?

I don't know, but I can't wait to find out what you two for geniuses are up to.

What did you just say?

I spoke Ab word.

What did he just call us? The geniuses. It's a compound compliment.

You see what I put up with? How can you tell me not to scream my fucking head

off? You're losing it. No, these are the people that you want at our wedding.

Oh, is one of you getting married?

We both are.

To who?

To each other.

Awesome! How many friends can we bring?

Oh, this is so rich.

Alice. I think it's great.

Very great.

Congratulations, really. Thank you.

So, uh, where's the wedding happening? In a dream?

No, Alice, in a town hall.

Look. I just think it's sad, all right?

Two women pretending to be married.

I pretend that I was married for 12 years.

And I think that marriage is based on commitment and communication and not

necessarily the presence of a penis.

Thank you.

Excuse me. My children are here, all right? Watch your language.

What, are you worried they're going to repeat it?

Bert.

Bert.

Bert, do you hear what's going on here?

No, at least Bert and me know how we're supposed to fit together. Bert and I. Is

that what this is all about? Is that what everyone in this fucked-up family

needs to know, how we go together?

Well...

Well, we often start by gently kissing. Oh, I am not doing this. I said I'm...

Oh,

come back!

Aunt Lucy was really making her point.

So loose.

Since you're having people perform, you know, fake ceremonies and stuff, why

don't you just have them announce you queen or president?

Oh.

All right!

Oh.

I mean, there are programs... Shut your goddamn...

Neogenitalia. Shut it. And you're stronger than me, huh? Shut.

Oh, I forgot.

You're not.

Table.

Oh, no.

Guys,

guys. All right, that's almost enough.

I love this family.

And you didn't want to come.

One thing about being in such a theatrical family, it's easy to lose

track of everything that's happening offstage.

Grandma?

Grandma!

Grandma!

Grandma, are you okay?

I'm all right.

Open up the door.

Mom.

Grandma. Clear.

How?

What happened?

I said I'm all right. What did you do?

I just slipped and I spilled all this stuff. Somebody please give me a glass

of water so I can clean up this mess. Water. Give her a glass of water. Are

you hurt? How did you fall down?

Slipped.

Thank you all so much.

You have a visitor in the main lobby.

I am not doing anything.

Collins.

Dr. Rice. Hi. We pumped your mother's stomach.

It was an accident. How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of

sleeping pills? She was cleaning them up with her mouth. We need to keep her for

the night, but she's going to be fine.

She recently lost her husband and she slipped. And I think she got confused

with all the pills. Little Lucy Toothy, is that you?

It's been so long.

Samantha, hi.

Alice, how are you?

Great. Yes, great.

When can we take her home?

Well, like I said, just overnight, and then tomorrow we'll sign her out and you

take her home. Well, I think, could you keep her for another day, just to be

safe? No, no, no, barring any complications.

Oh, my God.

Bite me.

Skip.

Hey, sis.

Did they puke her?

All right, I'll spread it.

All right, bye.

She unswallowed.

Oh, thank God.

Poor Grandma.

Yeah.

She just wants to be the star of the funeral.

No, she doesn't. Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone was going to

write a book about his underwear wrestling.

What are you doing?

Graham asked me to speak at the funeral.

Nobody asked me to speak.

Do you want to? Because I have no idea what to say.

Just say, he was away so much, it was weird to have him around.

I just want to say something beautiful and poetic.

Pop loved poetry.

He did?

Yeah.

All the ones about Nantucket.

I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl.

Once was a girl who was crippled by the weight of her overgrown nipple.

I needed to talk to someone who saw Grandpa clearly.

As I remember your eyes were bluer than robin's eggs.

My poetry was lousy, you say.

Where are you calling from?

Dad, are you in there?

Ten years ago, I bought you some cufflinks.

You brought me something.

Dad, the door is locked and I need to talk.

Katie?

Dad?

Coming!

Dad! Coming!

Is that a joint?

Yes, boys?

So, uh, how's that book going?

It's hot.

Can we help you with anything?

Maybe, uh, intern with you?

You can rub my feet if you want.

That would be nice.

Mom has that appointment with the parson tomorrow.

Yeah, well, don't worry, because I'm going to spring her.

She was trying to kill herself.

Yeah, it's pretty common.

In fact, after Scandinavians, it's the over-70 crowd that is the most suicidal.

Well, shouldn't we be doing something to help her?

No, mm-mm.

Because once people have their mind made up, there's really very little that you

could do to stop them.

Well, there's got to be something we can do.

Do you remember that game against Easton? Oh yeah, they were a very tough

team. No, but do you remember Naomi in the hotel?

Oh, at the hotel?

With the... Do you remember? Oh, look at how silly and normal I can

act when I'm not persecuting my sister.

How often do you smoke?

You know, never in the morning.

Dad. I know. That was really lame. I just, I don't know what I'm doing

anymore. You're mourning.

Yeah.

What? You're mourning.

Yeah. Yes.

I think I am.

You'd think I'd be over it by now.

Well, Dad, it just happened.

No.

It's been dead for years.

What?

If I just would have gotten that stupid toothpaste commercial. That was the

moment, I swear to God.

What are we talking about?

I was the choice for this toothpaste campaign. I was the guy, and I just, I

could not say the line. I literally, I couldn't say it. You know, it's the

breath freshest.

I just... Okay.

I can't believe I just said that. I have never been able to say that before. It's

like a tongue twister for me. It's the breath freshest. Oh, my God.

Dad,

are you okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just... I just feel sometimes like I've spent my whole life in this...

waiting room at an audition, you know, and they finally called my fucking name,

and I just... And then somebody else stood up, you know, and they got my

role, and they've been living my life, and I just... I'm just groping. I've

just been stumbling around in the dark ever since then.

Your mom knew. Your mom knew. She always said, we have to get out of acting,

Daniel.

Mom was an actress?

No. You just said we have to get out of acting. No, I must have misspelled

something. What?

What? You told me Mom was a social worker who died of caring too much.

I said she... What did I say she did?

Dad, did you lie to me? No, no, no, no. No? No, I... No, I probably was just,

uh, protecting you.

So Mom was an actress?

Is there anything I could see her in?

No.

No? No.

Well... What kind of movies did Mom make, Dad?

Honestly, it's not that bad.

She never used her real name.

Do you have any... Do you have any Cookie Tushela movies?

I'll check. We're probably all out.

Is that Katie Collins?

Hi. Hi, Katie. I haven't seen you since you were at the house with... Here,

look. This one's possibly her best, just for its utter lack of story.

We heard about your grandfather.

Oh, yes. We didn't know him very well, but we're very sorry. Oh, thanks so

much. Yeah, that'll be $3.50.

Does Ryan know you're here?

Wait,

Lee, here's who we saw renting Vaginatown.

Thanks.

It's a classic.

How would I know?

Be careful what you wish for.

Hey. Hi. Dudes, um, looking for Katie. She's here somewhere.

Cousin Katie!

This is a town unlike any other town.

Yes, ma'am. This is a very unusual town you have here.

I hope you boys know how to ride bareback.

Holy Jesus's penis!

Most people don't even like to think of their parents having sex with each

other, much less multiple bad actors.

I had to do something.

Morning. Morning.

Coffee? No.

Other families have these sort of problems, but they don't talk about

them, alright?

I mean, I'm sorry.

I live in the real world.

I work hard at raising a decent family.

You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day, starting up pillow

fights with my topless girlfriend.

What are we talking about?

It won't work.

Everyone knows that the only gay relationships that last are between

people of the same height.

Did you and Lucy ever get along?

Well, I guess.

Well, when your grandfather was around, of course.

He kept the peace.

Uh, no. No, no. He just kept us on eggshells. He had us all so desperate

for his approval.

Well, look at your father. He made a career out of it.

Morning. Morning, Dad. Morning, Danny.

Morning, everyone. You're going to sleep okay?

Never. I did.

Hey, did we have a blackout last night? That's what I heard.

Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.

You found my room, all right.

It was dark.

So you hid in my closet?

With your kids?

We lost.

Hey, you guys, listen to this. Tell me how it sounds.

Grandpa made us aware that there was a whole world of opportunity out there.

You did?

Who are we talking about?

Grandpa. Oh, tell her about the time that Dad built us that swing.

That was Carl, the neighbor.

Mr. Grabby.

Mr. Grabby built the swing.

Oh, he was so creepy.

He put his hand on your shoulder and announced, You're it!

Then he wouldn't want to wait.

He wouldn't even take his hand away.

Hi,

you guys.

There was a lot of paperwork and I had to pull some strings and sign a lot of

names, but...

She's back.

Grandma. There she is. Hey, Mom. Hi, Mother.

Try it again, I'll kill you myself.

Yes. Well, I have to get back to work, so... Thanks, Mom.

What happened, Grandma?

Nothing happened.

I was just a little confused.

About what?

Well, I thought the vows we took were forever. They were.

It's just that your forever was longer than Grandpa's vows.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Ellen.

Hey, Katie.

Hey, Ryan.

How are you?

Good.

Um... Sorry about your grandfather.

Hey.

You know, he died.

Yeah, um... You know, it's... You can't, uh...

You wanna, like, uh, go for a walk, or...?

So.

So... Still driving a taxi? Yeah.

Yeah.

Save up money for college.

Are you mad at me?

No.

Really? Really.

I mean it.

You're a great kid.

Um, thanks, Coach.

No, I just... I just think that... what happened last summer was... What?

What happened?

At your house?

After the movie?

Oh, you don't mean that time when you attacked me at the movie theater and

then you came over to my place and took all your clothes off and then ran out

saying goodbye.

Is that what you're talking about?

Katie.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Salmon. Salmon who?

Salmonella.

What are you doing?

Science experiment.

How many years does it take to make them say something?

Speak, young cousins.

Bert, you see what's going on here?

Bert!

What has Alice done to all of you?

Now this is my favorite.

Cherry, inlaid olive, and the real brass fittings.

At just $32,000, it's quite a steal.

Just $32,000.

How much does it cost to stick him in a garbage bag?

Mother, what does he care?

Mom, it's just unbelievably disrespectful.

This isn't even going in the ground.

What? What do you mean? Dad wanted us to float him out in a flaming boat.

I'm not sure that's legal.

Great. Well, my kids are not staying for that.

Why doesn't he want to be buried?

I don't want to be buried.

No, this is not about you. I hate bugs.

Yeah, I have to admit, I don't exactly get the whole cemetery thing myself.

A cemetery is like...

An old age home for the dead.

A place where you can visit your loved ones without the bother of daily care

and maintenance.

Daily care?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Ah, Parson Bankey.

Sad business.

Sad business.

This is the surviving Collins family.

I'm Alice Collins.

Hi, I'm Daniel. Daniel.

They're mourning the loss of their beloved Edmund.

I didn't know Edmund as

well as I should have.

Perhaps if we had ever met.

Katie.

Katie. Katie, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't want anything that may or may not have happened between us to affect

our friendship.

You mean that? Yeah.

I don't have any friends like you.

So we'll be friends?

Yeah.

Always were.

Right?

Thank you.

Well, I don't know why everything has to be such a production with this family.

We didn't need to buy one.

The basement's loaded with boxes.

You don't bring your own, Mom.

Well, we did buy one. We bought a box, so it's over.

Looked more like a shipping crate, but... Your father would have wanted a

bag.

Look, could we just try to act normal for the next two days? Would that be

possible? Does that include you, or are you just telling everybody else what to

do? Look, don't cast me in the role of crazed control freak, all right? Stop

auditioning for it. Just wanted to put my dead father in a nice box.

You want to put everyone in a box. The ineffectual mother box.

The struggling actor box.

People put themselves in boxes. I just label them.

Like the rebellious teenage lesbian box that you're still stuck in at 35.

Stop it. Stop it. Ladies, don't start your shit with me, little sis.

I'm warning you.

My tongue thing has talked to my tongue!

Try not to worry so much. Everything is going to work out for you kids.

And always remember to brush before bed.

Uh, guys?

Dr. Forrest, dial 118, please.

So that was really lucky. You guys were right there, hmm?

Yeah.

Um... That was lucky. Yeah.

Um, you guys?

Sam? She gonna be all right?

Um, she's gonna be fine.

She snapped a few bones.

Mostly shoulder and face.

Couple of ribs.

They slapped her in a half-feet. Oh, well, that's good.

Can we see her not until she hardens and you know even then it might not be a

great idea She might want to be left alone because usually people are kind of

embarrassed after an accident like that.

It wasn't an accident Well, it is what it is.

So, um, why don't you guys?

Go home and then I'll I'll give you an update when I get off of work I'm sorry.

You had to see my grandma like that

I've never seen anyone like that.

Hey.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

This weekend just keeps getting better and better.

Your grandmother's gonna be fine, okay? And your grandfather... He's, um...

I'm sorry.

I still have to think of something to say about him that's nicer than he

wasn't a freak like the rest of you.

We could talk about how his eyes would light up when he saw you.

Or how they'd narrow when he saw me.

Feel a little better?

Did she say anything before she jumped?

Brush your teeth.

Oral hygiene freak.

I heard something.

Malice.

Whatever happened to Alice?

Yeah, who dunked her in the bitch tank?

She wasn't like this when we were kids.

Wait, wait, wait a second. We're talking about Alice here? Yeah.

Alice was fun and mischievous.

We're talking about your sister, Alice? Yeah.

What happened?

You know how some women respond to motherhood?

Some don't.

It's Kate.

What are you guys doing down here?

Just sitting and, uh... Smoking pot again?

That's what we're doing.

Your family's a weed head.

Remember the crew cuts in high school?

Remember when Alice fought the dress code there?

She was cool.

Remember when she used to sing? Remember that?

My Aunt Alice?

Allison Blue.

Yeah. Whatever happened to Allison Blue?

Whatever happened to any of us, really? What happened to us?

What's going to happen? We're going to close our eyes and then we're going to

open up and we're all going to be on a big flaming rowboat.

Dead.

Boat.

How are we supposed to do that?

Do what?

Mom said that dad wants us to put him in his little rowboat.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding here. And light it on fire and launch him out

to sea.

Like the Vikings.

And you listen to her?

Good thing he didn't want us to eat him.

Hey, my boys will help when we do that. That's comforting.

When I die, I want to be cremated. Oh, me too.

Yeah, me too.

I want you to take my ashes and I want you to mix them with the ink that the

government uses to print money.

Yes, and then I'll be everywhere.

So, this is how you choose to spend the time while mother is hardening in the

hospital.

The emotion to die.

Hey, give me that joint.

Give me the joint.

She's adding ingredients to her personality.

You know, um, now it might be a good time for you to get stories about your

grandfather.

You know what I would say if he was here right now? I'll tell you what I would

say if he was here.

Say, hey, Dad, you got another son. You got another kid.

There's two of us.

All right, don't you remember?

Don't you remember the skipper?

Oh, no, oh, no, that's my boy. That's my...

That's my Danny boy.

He's my boy, my Danny boy.

Well, what about me?

Look what I can do.

Look what I stuck to my face.

Dad, can I be your boy?

Can I be your boy?

I'm right in front of you.

This is good shit.

You know, that's a great example for your daughter.

I'm not here.

Uh, nice to see you all.

She said she wasn't here, but she was here.

I don't know if your grandparents ever told you, but I used to go up there and

hang out when you weren't around.

Until your grandfather hit me with a rock.

You coming?

Yeah.

He said he thought I was a crow.

I was not his favorite person.

What am I going to say about him?

What would you want people to say about you?

What could you say about me?

What would I say about you?

We had a dress code in high school. We had to wear skirts, blouses, little

vests. And Alice talked a bunch of girls, maybe 20, into protesting it.

So they come to school, and they're wearing jeans and hot pants.

The headmaster lost it. He suspended them. So next week.

Next week.

What's next week?

Sweetie.

You were telling a story.

Yeah, you were telling a story.

Alice and the dress code.

Oh, God. We had a dress code in high school.

We had to wear these little... We heard this part.

With the...

blouses and things like this. And Alice talked to a bunch of girls, maybe 20.

And they come to school wearing jeans.

And so the next week they come to school wearing the uniform.

You know,

I can't remember a time that you weren't telling that story.

She was my hero.

I'll have some.

You've had quite enough, my darling.

You remember when we used to try to listen for each other's thoughts?

Okay, I got one.

No.

Tell me the first thought.

Tell me what I'm thinking.

You're thinking I hope he doesn't ask me about my first thought again.

Oh, it's drizzling.

It's nice.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Sam, thanks.

Thanks for helping us so much.

Oh, anything for you, Alice.

Oh, that's nice. All right.

Do you want to hear something really pretty? A song?

I've been listening to it.

Yeah, okay.

I don't know what you hear. I still think this treehouse needs a second

story.

That was one of our better ideas.

Who knew that wood paneling wouldn't make a solid floor?

You know?

Everybody. Yeah, exactly.

And they kept telling us. Yeah.

But we had a dream.

We did.

I still dream about you.

Hey, whatever happened to that guy that you were going with in college?

Um, well, nothing.

Hey Alice, do you remember when your father walked in on us in the

basement?

Were we doing this?

Are we doing this?

Sorry.

When it's more than you can stand, I said I'm strong.

What are you guys doing?

Just looking. It's falling out my window.

Shut up. Stop.

What is it?

Willing to be a shame.

We gotta go inside.

What are you guys looking at?

That's Samantha's car.

I love you guys.

And now, Miss Catherine

Ann Collins will bestow upon us...

A few comforting words in our time of bereavement.

Edmund Collins was a great man who we all loved very deeply.

And he made us feel special about ourselves. Oh, come on, Katie.

Grandpa.

Sweetheart, you can do better than that.

I, uh... You, uh... That's the way you talk when you've been hanging around

that local boy too much.

I know what you've been doing.

Because I can see everything.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

I'm depending on you, sweetie.

Yes, Grandpa.

So don't let me ever...

I'll get you fooling around with that delinquent of her.

I swear I'll... Good morning.

Okay. Um, is Alice up?

Are you leaving?

Yes.

Okay.

Morning. Morning. Morning.

Where is she?

I don't know.

She didn't leave with Samantha?

Morning.

Morning.

Where's, uh... We don't know.

Well, did she leave with... No, she didn't.

I saw her get out of the car, and I saw her go towards the woods.

And then she just became a tiny

screaming.

I'm sorry.

They're only two hours before the funeral, and I really need some help.

Two hours?

I gotta shower.

Hey, are you guys getting dressed up? Hey, hey, hey, you guys. Could one of

you please tell me one nice thing I can say about your

dead father?

He often called me Andrea for no reason.

I was Barry.

Wait a minute. What about, remember Thanksgiving?

And that crazy lady broke into the house? Yes, that woman with the red

hair. Yep, yep. And remember, she took the leg off a turkey and started banging

it on the table and screaming something about Easter.

That's Easter.

That's right. Remember how cool Dad was? He leapt over the table, swept her off

her feet, and carried her out the front door.

He protected us.

What else?

Why don't you read a passage from Death of

a Salesman?

I don't know any.

I do.

Put up your hands. God damn you, put up your hands.

Who do you think you are? Better than everybody else?

Big ignorance.

No, wait.

Put... Put up your goddamn heads!

Put up your heads!

Attention must be paid!

You ratted on us, Terry!

You ratted on us! Shut up! Hi, Katie.

Ryan.

How's your leg?

So, it's, you know... broken.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. Uh, here.

Here.

What's this?

That's the answer to your question.

Before you open it, can we maybe go inside and talk?

Oh, it's kind of crazy in there.

Okay.

You want to go somewhere else?

This is kind of a bad time for me. Could we maybe meet tomorrow before I go back

to school?

You didn't...

Want me to come to the funeral?

No, no, I do.

I do want you to come. I just... It's kind of... It's Grandpa, and I'm

just afraid you'll be too much of a distraction.

I get it.

Okay.

That came out wrong. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no. That came out perfect.

I don't know what you want from me, Katie.

I'm gonna go.

Katie?

Katie!

What?

Katie?

What?

Do you see my cell phone?

No!

I know you'd kill yourself if you missed your husband's funeral.

Of course they're all going to be there.

Okay, you're ready.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, yeah, I am hurrying.

Nurse! I just have to get her down to x-ray stat.

I didn't order any x-rays.

There.

And now... Ta-da!

And for you...

It's a look.

Okay.

Let's run some lights.

You.

Looks like he's going to say something.

Could somebody please scratch my nose?

We're going to need more gas.

Definitely don't want to do this twice.

I'm just asking everyone to stop at my office after this.

It's on the way to the lake.

Sure.

Katie, I'm just asking... Did you invite any of his co-workers?

Well, your grandfather was more of a family man.

So it's just us?

Well, where's your grandmother?

You didn't hear?

Grandma! What in the world happened? Are you okay?

She said she's fine.

She's happy to be here.

I don't know. He looks different to me.

It's hard to picture him without a twinkle in his eye.

He really loved you.

He did.

Nice touch.

I'm sorry.

My uncle died recently.

He was really the one who raped me. He raped me.

Jimmy.

Uncle Jimmy.

Jimmy Cricket.

I am not in love,

but I'm open to persuasion.

East or west, where's the best

for romance?

With a friend, I can smile.

But with a lover, I can hold my head back and really laugh, really laugh.

Thank you.

This is bullshit.

No, I'm sorry. Screw her.

No, no, she has made a business out of persecuting me, and I'm supposed to sit

here at my father's funeral and watch her fucksing at Samantha?

Screw that.

What is wrong with this family?

I hadn't heard Alice sing since you were a baby.

She had a little trouble with the high notes.

Is it? Too much to ask that we bury my grandfather with a little honor and

dignity.

I think it is for you, Edmund.

You all know how I felt about Edmund.

He was somebody I considered to be a very close personal friend.

I have here his last will and testament.

He leaves his house at 132 Rolling Drive to his beloved wife.

Charlotte. He leaves $1,000 cash to Kate for expenses.

He also left a videotape that he instructed me to play for him.

What about his money?

He had no other assets.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Hello, everybody!

Surprise!

Before I leave, I just want to say goodbye and...

Say a few other things as well.

First, I'm not a salesman.

Hell, I couldn't sell nose plugs to a proctologist. I never did a day's work

in my life. I never knew how to do anything except a little acting, maybe.

That's where my daddy boy got it from.

Of course,

Jerry was the one with the film career.

What I'm trying to tell you is there were three of you.

Always forgets me.

One in Rhode Island, one in Mexico, and one in South Carolina.

If you think raising three families is a lot of work, you try doing it

without letting them find out about each other.

Oh, that's a killer.

Talk about leaky money.

When I was 20, I inherited millions.

And now, I'm up to my prostate in debt.

It's a crazy life.

But I love that.

Because I love my three wonderful wives and my nine precious... Eleven.

Eleven?

Eleven children.

My God. No wonder I couldn't get your name straight.

Anyway, I've had a great life.

Full life.

Three full lives.

You should all be so lucky.

Katie Collins, I'd like you to find my other two families and inform

them of their loss.

Remember, I was just as big a part of their family as I was of yours.

If I've learned anything, it's to be true to yourself.

Look it.

He clocked them.

All the way from the grave.

All this time, I thought you were his favorite.

Well, I mean, you were his favorite one of us. But we could have been his second

favorite family.

I left something in the... We could have been his third.

Congratulations on the thousand bucks.

Thanks.

What makes you think they know what they're doing?

This is actually the kind of stuff they're good at Maybe

we should watch from over there

I never knew none of us did.

No, I mean, I knew your family was, you know, a little... But I had

no idea.

You know, Sam, I think I'll catch up with you later.

I'm gonna have a word with my brother there.

Okay.

Dad, a little assistance?

Listen, guys.

My pop never told me... He never told me...

How much he... Don't.

What? You were gonna say the L word.

I just want you to know... Dad, we know how you feel.

Don't cheapen it with words.

I don't want to be like him.

So leave us better instructions.

Now, could you push?

I love you guys. Dad!

I know, it felt weird, but I did it.

The fuse!

Oh, Grace.

No worries. We came prepared.

Oh, great.

Hey, do you remember, um, Harry Barnes?

Don't give me crap about that. I'm not in the mood. I don't want to hear it.

I'm not giving you crap about it. Do you remember? You remember him, right? How

could I forget him? He tortured you.

No, I know, I know. Hey, here comes peanut butter boy or crunchy munchy face

or roasted toast. Yeah, I know. I just, I wanted to... Well, what?

I just wanted to thank you.

Thank you for looking after us.

Protecting us.

Really.

He had a glass jaw.

What? He did.

Glass jaw. Yeah.

You clobbered that kid. No, no, no. Yes.

You had an unbelievable right hand.

Alice, please. You dropped that boy.

You did.

Ow!

I hope you hurt yourself. That really hurt.

I can't remember. When was the last time that the two of us just hung out like

this? I can't remember.

I feel like, are we forgetting something?

No.

My glasses, my thing.

Funeral?

Dad.

Lucy,

I think you owe your sister a big apology.

I don't have a sister.

Did we miss anything?

There's nothing left to say.

He undid it all.

Well, let me see what you got here.

You know that Twizzler?

You sure? Mm-hmm.

I can remember the day that you were born.

I can.

I remember the doctor coming in and saying it's a girl.

I thought, finally.

Baby sister.

I'm gonna have a friend for the rest of my life.

Friend.

You've been making me feel bad about myself for the past 15 years.

I know.

It wasn't about you.

Oh, I was there.

It was all about me.

Well...

Maybe I thought I was helping you. Maybe you didn't think.

I... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

For not being there for you.

For not being on your side.

I wasn't on your side.

Yeah, well...

Dad.

You all right, sweetie?

No.

There's a lot of good stuff here.

You know, just maybe skip the part about him being a salesman.

You ready? No.

Uh, everybody, can we gather?

Katie's gonna honor what's left of our father with a eulogy.

Dad, lighter.

Be careful, guys.

I love this lighter.

We don't have a bagpipe player.

We know the words.

How many logs do you suppose we're breaking here?

Yeah, I should be preparing a defense.

Um, we have gathered here today to honor my, uh, grandfather,

Edmund Collins.

Shut it!

Edmund was more than just a great father.

He was a great guy.

Use your aim, guys.

Grandpa had the playful habit of showering us with unusual nicknames.

Grandpa protected us while he was off.

And even though he wasn't always around, let's face it, more than anything,

my grandfather was a family man.

What's so funny?

Your father's dead.

Maybe he wasn't the man we all thought he was. But he's the reason we're all

here. So go ahead and laugh.

He made me laugh.

Just remember...

This is the last chance you have to say goodbye to your father.

Katie, I gave you a job to do.

Get over here.

And just speak from your heart.

All right, Katie.

Did you really leave me again?

After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window,

listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return,

for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you.

A whole lifetime I've been waiting.

I can't believe you're not coming back.

I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting.

I can't believe you left me again.

Grandpa didn't leave because of you. It was because of you that he kept coming

back.

I hope you all realize that.

nice papa was a rolling stone wherever

he laid his hat was his home and when he died

So, after it stopped raining, Grandpa, I caught it right here.

I'm so honored and touched. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm sorry.

I had no idea. No wonder Edmund was gone so often. It's hard to believe. It

really is.

Poor Barbara.

What do you mean? I don't know what to say.

You're not Barbara?

Edmund was the best neighbor I ever had.

Pretty well, I guess.

I'm starting to think maybe you ducked out the back on me or something.

I don't cry.

Wait,

stop the car for a second.

I'll explain on the way.

Loving never did me no good, no how, no how.

That's why I can love you now.

That's why I can love you now.

This tape will explain what this note cannot.

Vag in a town.

What's a vag?

You know I've never been much like you.

And so whatever, I guess we just can't compare the two.

I say you gotta stay tried and true.

Stick around for now, it's gonna be alright.

You've got the grace, and I've got the time.

You call me your incarnation,

albeit in anticipation.

So I think that brings us to the toasts. And I think we should toast my sister

and my new sister-in-law.

So I think the lovely and articulate Simon will do the honors, right? Big

skip. Big.

Skip. Well, come and prove it.

Thank you.

Thank you. Well, here they are.

We're here for these two lovely ladies on this momentous occasion.

And we're all happy for them.

Oh,

I have a perfect joke for tonight.

Yes, I do. It's not dirty. It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke. Just

let people have it.

It's a simple joke.

These two ladies, these two, these two gym teachers walk into a hardware store.

is is