Original subtitles

ah

I'm Stettler. I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle a Muppet movie.

Gentlemen, that's straight ahead.

Private screening room digging.

Private screening?

Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.

Oh,

look at this place. What a dump.

Bunch of weirdos around here. Look at them.

Yes, I know you all. Hey, ladies, is this seat taken?

Hey, you, hey, swing that back.

I'm so nervous.

If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.

Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?

You know, I hear this movie is dynamite.

Here's your fresh organic popcorn.

Only a buck.

Oh, honey, buy me some, please.

Oh, sure, Mama. Nothing's too good for my woman.

Woman! Woman!

Woman!

Well, I like the movie fine so far.

It hasn't started yet.

That's what I like about it.

Yeah!

Oh, hey, Mr. DeFrog, is it okay for me and my boomerang bitch to be in your

movie? Hey!

I told you, Lou, not in the movie or at the screening.

Hey, but watch.

Whoa! Permit, does this film have socially redeeming value?

Oh, I certainly hope so, Sam. Sorry about that.

Oh,

hi, Biggie.

I tried to save you a seat.

Hi, everybody, and welcome to the first screening of the Muppet movie.

But before we begin, I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to this film,

starting with the little people, from the hairdressers to special effects.

That's enough of that, Harry.

To the costume designers, to the prop makers.

Thank everybody for all of their hard work and their patience and their...

Roll film!

Roll film!

Roll film!

Uncle

Kermit?

Is this about how the Muppets really got started?

Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.

you

why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's

on the other side rainbows

are visions but only illusions and rainbows have

nothing to hide

so we've been told and some choose to believe it i

know they're wrong wait and see someday

we'll find it the rainbow connection the lovers

the dreamers and me

who said

that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the

morning star somebody thought

of that and someone believed it look what it's done

so far

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing? And what

do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its belt.

We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep?

And have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?

The voice might be one and... the same

I've heard it too many times to

ignore it it's something that I'm supposed to be

someday we'll find it the rainbow

connection the lovers the dreamers and me

Have you tried Hare Krishna?

No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.

One second.

Darn, I missed.

You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog is tongue.

The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.

Oh, that's rough. I'm sorry about your tongue, but I have to get out of this

swamp. I have to catch a plane.

With that tongue?

No way.

But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.

Thank you. Just watch out for the alligators. I will.

Alligators? That's right.

Did you say alligators? Read my lips.

Alligators. It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See,

I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.

Hollywood?

That's right.

Did you say Hollywood?

Read my lips.

Hollywood. You know, Hollywood.

The Dream Factory.

The magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?

Oh, sure. There's a double feature in town every Saturday.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in.

Feast your eyes on that.

Uh, Worldwide Studios announces open auditions for Frogs, wishing to become

rich and famous.

Well, thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.

Oh!

Oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration.

You've got talent, kid.

Singing, telling jokes.

I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows?

You could make millions of people happy.

Millions of people happy.

Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up. Bernie, the

agent. Oh, hey, well, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Ernie

the alligator?

Ernie!

Ernie, wait a minute.

Careful, Ernie.

Ernie, that's okay. Leave him alone.

Sorry, these are Hollywood.

Hollywood. Gee.

I'd miss this old swamp, but millions of people happy.

What the... Okay, okay, you guys, now come on, do what I tell you.

I don't know where you're... All right, now, hey, don't step on that asphalt.

I told you not to step on it. We gotta get this two-by-two off the asphalt.

I told you, stay off the asphalt.

Hey, look at him.

Hey, hey, uh... Whoa, what is it? Big legs. Hey, hey, you on the bike.

Watch out!

Watch out!

Watch out!

Oh, my...

That's pretty dangerous, building a road in the middle of the street.

I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the schwin.

The El Slizo Cafe.

Foreign food.

Doesn't smell promising, but the frogs gotta eat.

place all right that's the toughest meanest filthiest pestle of the face of

the earth well why not complain to the owner i am the owner

Watch out, hot glutes coming through, look out. All right, you got your French

fries, fried glutes at Groton, you got your fried glutes at Medina, you got

your fried glutes struggling off. Everybody happy? All right.

Hello,

sailor, buy me a drink?

Oh, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a fraud.

Cut the small talk and buy me a drink.

I don't even know you. Hey.

You making a move with my girl?

No, sir.

He did too. He touched me. Ugh, go wash.

You'll get warts. No, you see, that's just a myth. Yeah, but she's my myth.

No, no, myth, myth.

No.

What the hell?

Showtime!

Showtime at the El Suizo!

the vacationing El Slizo dancing girls, the funny, furry, fabulous Fuzzy

Bear.

Waka, waka, waka, waka. Waka, waka, waka, waka, waka. Hey, you're a great

crowd. Thank you. Thank you and thank you. Hey, waka, waka. Ah, waka, waka,

waka. Here I am, Fuzzy Bear, to tell you jokes both old and rare. Waka, waka,

waka. Ah.

things off with a bang.

Thank you, sir.

This guy's lost.

Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.

Grief, it's a running gag.

There was this sailor who was so fat.

How fat was he?

He was so fat that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at

all.

Professional. I've had three performances.

Do you know any dance routines?

What? Not really, do you?

Play something snappy.

We think this crowd's ugly. You should see the dancing girls.

Two, three, four.

Two,

three, kick.

Kick, yeah, sorry.

Coming home.

You appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts?

My name is Kermit the Frog, and I'm on my way to Hollywood.

Hollywood? You want to join me? Big-time showbiz.

That's always been my dream.

Yeah, well, they're holding auditions for frogs next week, and if they need

frogs, they must need bears, too.

Ah!

My car's right outside!

Gee,

a Studebaker.

Where'd you get it?

My uncle left it to me.

Huh? Is he dead?

No, he's hibernating.

You know, Fozzie, you really do have a lot of talent.

Thank you.

You know, how about you and me putting together an act?

Ah, no, sorry.

I only work as a single.

Oh, okay.

All right, you talked me into it. We'll be a team.

Oh, good.

What's this?

Hey, you better pull over here. Yes, sir.

Hey, what's going on?

Howdy, Mr. Frog.

I'm a businessman with a proposition.

What? Let me show you something that might change your whole life.

Hmm.

Hop right on over here, my little green friend.

Uh, listen, mister, uh... That's it.

This is the kind of chance you can't afford to pass up.

Now, now, now, don't be afraid.

Watch the window.

What's that?

Hi, I'm Doc Hopper, inviting you to hop on down and get some Hopper's French

fried frog legs.

Right here, at the sign of the bright green legs.

Good grief.

Come on, come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Frog legs, frog legs, frog legs apart.

Hopper's is the place you should die in this cheese...

If you want just a snack, then here is the one.

A frog leg burger on a bright green bun.

Oh, that is terrible. That's the most appalling, disgusting, revolting thing

I've ever seen.

I know, I'm a great businessman and a sweet fella, but I do lack the skills of

a performer.

You also make a lousy frog.

You, on the other hand, make a terrific frog.

He's right. You know, you are very likable, Kermit. The bear's right. You,

my little likable friend, are going to do all our television commercials.

No way.

Hold it. Now, just a minute.

There's $500 in it for you up front.

$500 is just the beginning.

You could be earning this much every year.

Let's go, Fuzzy.

$500?

Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?

Posse! Yes, sir, I just lost my head.

Just a minute, Mr. Frog.

Everything's negotiable.

Okay, here we go, here we go.

Hey, that's my caddy! Let's get it into your party. Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Here we go.

I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Hey, do you like the frog? Isn't he terrific,

Doc? Terrific, Max, terrific.

Now go!

But you promised me a reward.

Later, Max.

Now follow that frog.

Oh,

it's a gorgeous day.

Yep, certainly is. Yep, terrific day for a drive.

Yeah, it's beautiful country out here.

A frog and a bear seeing America.

right along in search of good times and good news with good friends you can't

lose this could become a habit opportunity knocks once let's reach out

and grab it yeah together we'll nab it we'll hitchhike bus or yellow cab it cab

it move right along foot loose and fancy free getting

there is half the fun come share it with me moving right along we'll learn to

share the load we don't need a map to keep this show on the road

hey fozzie i want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road yes sir

turn left at the fork in the road i'm mad i don't believe that

Moving right along, we found a life on the highway.

And your way is my way.

So trust my navigation.

California, here we come, up high in the skyland.

Palm trees and warm sand.

Though savvy, we just left Rhode Island.

We did what?

Just forget it. Moving right along, do-ga-dum, do-ga-dum. Hey, L.A., where

have you gone?

Send someone to fetch us. We're in Saskatchewan. Moving right along.

You take it. You know best.

Hey, I've never seen the sun come up in the west.

Ah, a bear in his natural habitat.

A Studebaker.

Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead.

What is that?

Maybe we should give him a ride.

I don't know. He's pretty big.

Hey there, wanna lift?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.

Good luck.

Moving right along, we're truly birds of a feather.

We're in this together, and we know where we're going.

Movie stars with flashy cars and life with a top down.

We're storming the big town.

Yeah, storm is right.

Should it be snowing? No, I don't think so.

Moving right along.

Footloose and fancy free.

You ready for that this time? Is it ready for me?

Moving right along.

Moving.

Moving right along.

Hey.

Hey, Fozzie. Look up ahead there.

There's one of those Doc Hopper billboards.

Ah. Maybe you better pull over. Yes, sir.

Oh.

Kermit, that's you.

You got the picture, boy.

You see what I mean?

Kermit the Frog, symbol of Doc Hopper's French fried frog legs.

Isn't that splendid?

Just splendid.

Just take a look at it.

All I can see are millions of frogs on tiny crutches.

Now, listen, boy, don't you want to be rich and famous?

Not working for you, I don't. That's right.

Crutches?

Shut up, Max.

We're a small-time operation, but we're expanding, expanding, just like you

frogs expand.

Don't you frogs expand?

That's a miss.

What? Miss! Miss!

Yes?

Come on, Bear. Burn rubber.

Yes, sir.

Hey!

Frog!

I've done my best with that frog. Now's the time to do my worst. Open the door.

No, you open the door. What?

I'm through, Doc. The frog is right.

You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it. It's

a moral decision, and I'll stand by it.

I'll double your percentage.

I'll open the door.

Kermit, where are we?

Well, let's see.

We were just traveling down this little black line here.

And we just crossed that little red line over the air. Oh, well, how about let's

just take the blue line, huh? No, we can't take that. That's a river.

Oh, I knew that.

Yeah. Now, listen, Kermit, why don't we just go right from... Hey, Fozzie. Yeah?

Who's driving?

Stop!

No problem!

Okay, back it up. Yes, sir.

Fozzie, where did you learn to drive?

I took a correspondence course.

This looks like a nice quiet spot.

Uh-huh.

Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.

Yeah, funny.

I'm still wide awake.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

They don't look like Presbyterians to me.

Hey, cool it, everybody.

Ho, deep, ho, ho.

Our gentle morning melodies have attracted wandering admirers.

Hey, who are you guys?

We am, is, are, and be they whom as are known as the electric mayhem.

He's Dr.

Teeth. Golden teeth and golden tones. Welcome to my presence.

Thank you.

How's he? I'm Floyd. I blow bass.

And I'm, uh,

I'm Zoot. Sax is your axe.

Uh-oh, Zoot skipped the groove again.

Oh, wow, like I'm Janice on the guitar?

For sure, really.

Oh, yeah, that's Animal. Show him what you do, Animal.

Ah, what do?

Beat drums!

No, no, beat drums!

Beat drums!

Beat drums!

Beat drums!

Down,

Animal! Down! Back! Back! Sit! Sit!

Hey, don't forget about me.

I'm Scooter, the band's road manager.

Oh, yeah, the road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.

Well, he's the man with the contacts.

No, he's the man with the van.

Yeah, we're taking this old church and turning it into a coffee house.

Yeah, with real good music and organic refreshments.

Oh, it'll be so fine and laid back and mellow and profitable.

Yeah,

but what brings you dudes here?

Oh, listen, see, Kermit here, he was living in the swamp, and then a

fisherman came along. Fozzie, you can't tell him the whole story. You'll bore

the audience.

Oh, sorry.

But, uh, Kermit, the band here wants to know.

Well, let them read the screenplay.

Ah, yes, sir.

Uh, you see, it starts here on page one.

The Muppet movie, huh?

Hmm, let's see.

Exterior swamp day.

In a long helicopter shot, we discover Kermit the Frog playing his banjo and

singing. A Hollywood agent starts the frog traveling west.

Doc Hopper comes on strong and they get to this church.

Interior church day.

Fozzie, they all look like Presbyterians to me.

Kermit and Fozzie come walking down the aisle to the thunderously loud music of

Dr. Teeth.

and the electric mayhem, which am us.

For sure. For sure.

This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions.

Cosmic, man. He gotta keep his little froggy self away from this hopper dude.

Too true. Too true.

It is indeed a problem for us to probosculate upon.

But it seems to me that the frog and the bear are temporarily out of service.

Oh, wow. Like, what can we do to help them?

Well, if this were the movies... Which it is.

We'd think of a clever plot device.

Like disguising their car so they won't be recognized.

Right. Two, three, four.

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

All right.

Everybody's lover.

Everybody's brother.

I want to be your lifetime friend.

Crazy as a rocket. Nothing in my pocket. I keep it at the rainbow's end.

I never think of money. I think of milk and honey.

Grinning like a cheshire cat.

I focus on the pleasure. Something I can treasure.

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

Oh, yeah!

Hey,

Floyd, take a verse.

Let me take your picture. Add it to the mixture.

There it is. I got you now.

Really nothing to it. Anyone can do it. It's easy and we all know how.

Now begins a changing, mental rearranging. Nothing's really where it's

at.

Daddy Apple Tower is holding up a flower. I gave it to a taxi cat.

Fact is there's nothing out there you can't do.

Yeah, even Santa Claus believes in you.

Be down on your walls, begin, believe, be, be just.

Be a better drummer, be an up-and-comer. Can you picture that?

All of us are winning, picking and a-drilling.

Lordy, but a love to jam.

Jelly belly giggling, dancing and a-wiggling.

Honey, that's the way I am.

I walk hard in Texas.

Northern lights affect us. I keep it underneath my hat.

Aurora Borealis.

China Dada Dallas.

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that? You gotta see it in your mind.

Can you picture that? It's quick and easy to find.

Can you picture that? You don't have to buy a frame.

Can you picture that? Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

Use it if you need it. Don't forget to feed it. Can you picture that?

Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.

I don't know how to thank you guys. I don't know why to thank you guys. Our

pleasure, Green Stuff.

Are you sure you won't come with us to Hollywood?

Can't, baby.

But when you get rich and famous, maybe we'll show up and exploit your wealth.

Moving right along, Fuzzy.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Remember, this frog does everything. He talks, he sings, he dances, he tells

jokes. He even rides a bicycle.

Mac, find me a frog and a bear and a tan Studebaker.

Gee, Doc, all I can see is a frog and a bear and a rainbow-colored Studebaker.

What?

What?

Fonzie, they're right behind us. I know, I know.

Well, how did they recognize us?

They recognized you.

What do you mean? There's a hundred bears around.

I'm gaining on them, Doc. I'm gaining on them.

Can't you drive any faster? No, sir.

There's a sign up ahead there. Pull in front of that.

Now, Doc. What? Get down, Foster. Yes, sir.

Aha!

I tell you, Camilla, great plumbers are born not made.

I'm a prince of plunger, fair me.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that. Well, just wait till we get there.

Fozzie? Yeah? Look at that funny little truck.

Yeah. Cute, huh?

Oh, it's coming straight at us.

We're gonna hold!

We missed it.

Oh? You call that a miss?

You guys okay?

Why are you hopping up and down?

Because I'm hopping mad.

Guy's got a sense of humor.

Hey, why don't you join us? Where are you going?

We're following our dream.

Really? I have a dream too.

But you'll think it's stupid.

Tell us, tell us.

Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.

You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star.

You go where we're going, Hollywood.

Sure, if you want to do it the easy way.

We picked up a weirdo.

Hey, look up ahead. There's Madman Moons. What's that?

It's a used car lot.

See if we can trade in both these old cars and get one big one.

Wait, trade in my uncle's Studebaker? Sure.

When he wakes up, he'll kill me.

Hey, you're swinging his turn very wide.

Hold it, will you? Here we go. Up the bump. All right.

Pull it up ahead there. Look at these cars.

Are you going to sell my plunger too? There's all kinds of great cars out

there. No, he's not going to sell your plunger. Look at them up there.

Pull it up a little further.

Where should I stop?

How should I stop? A little bit further.

Everybody out of the car. Okay. Chickens first. Oh, my dear friends, welcome to

Madman Mooney's hubcap heaven.

Today is your lucky day.

It is? Yes, it is. You, for example, you're driving the wrong car.

I am? I can put you in this German street machine for only $2,000, less a

$12 trade-in on your old vehicle.

Now, this car is one of the great...

detachable fenders for narrow garages no thanks hey what is this pile of jack get

rid of this heap come out here

that's my jack oh hi jack

jack not name jack job how many times have i told you not to talk to the

customers just move this move it you understand

But seriously, friends, Madman Mooney doesn't believe in all that dealing and

wheeling. No, the price on the sticker is the price you pay.

And never more, and never less.

We'll take that one for $11.95.

That's our $12 trade-in. You owe us a nickel.

Oh, thank you very much. Hey, we're all going to Hollywood. You want to come

with us?

Hollywood?

That's strange. You just ran away.

Well, move and run along, Fuzzy. Yes, sir.

Hey, watch where you're going now, Fuzzy. Yes, sir.

Wait for me.

Hey, I want to go to Hollywood.

Hey, wait for me.

Come on, guys.

Wait, please.

I want to go to Hollywood.

Can you hear me?

Well, it's time to announce the winner of this year's Bogan County Beauty

Pageant.

Be sure to throw a purdy around here, don't we?

All right, here they are.

What's over there, Kermit?

Over there. See?

Ah, nice looking girls, huh?

Wow, nice-looking chickens.

What? Oh, no hard feelings, honey.

And now, before announcing the winner, I think we should thank the judges of

today's contest, Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.

You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks. Oh, come now, Charlie. It's

their movie.

Oh, salty, salty.

And here she is, folks.

This year's Miss Bogan County...

Miss Piggy!

I just want to say one thing.

This is the happiest moment of

my...

Never

before Have two souls joined so freely and

so fast

For me, this is the first time and the last.

Is this an angel's wish for men?

Never before and never again.

And where to find the words to sing its worth?

This love was bound for heaven. then not for earth this

love was meant to light the stars but

Excuse me.

Oh, yes, of course.

Listen, congratulations on winning the beauty contest.

Thank you.

Of course, normally I don't do anything so trivial. I am an actress model.

Oh, is that right? Well, I'm going to be a performer, too.

Hey, Kermit, who's the cute-looking pig?

I beg your pardon?

If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.

Gonzo.

I thought we were going to go get some ice cream. Oh, well, in a minute. I'll

join you.

Well,

what are you doing in town?

Short, green, and handsome.

Well, we're headed west.

Really? Yeah, but I really should join my friends for ice cream.

You want to come along?

Would you like an ice cream?

What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach fudge, rum banana?

Honey. Honey? I bet your partner hardly know you.

But seriously, I'd like a honey ice cream cone for me and a dragonfly ripple

for my friend the frog.

Okay. One honey cone for the bear and one dragonfly ripple for the frog.

Don't get them mixed up.

Gotcha.

All right, Camilla, I'll get you a balloon, but you have to pick the color,

red or green.

Can I give you a word of advice?

What?

Why not take both?

What a wild idea.

Yeah, a beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons.

You're right.

I have guys come in all the time. Sometimes they get a bunch of balloons

for the girls. They go gaga for it. Gaga?

I'll take the whole bunch.

Gaga!

Gonzo? I wonder where they went. Fozzie?

Come in.

Come in.

Oh, hey, come in. Hey, where's your pig friend?

Well, I'm not really sure. She said she was coming for ice cream, but... Yoo

-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Here I am! Here I am! I'm packed! I'm packed!

Yeah, so I see.

What for?

You said I could come with you.

To buy ice cream, not to Hollywood.

I mean, listen, when I, when I said, I mean, well, when you heard the, uh, oh,

brother, uh.

What?

What? Gonzo?

Gonzo! What are you doing?

About seven knots!

We'll follow you. To the car.

Yes, sir.

Gonzo, we're coming!

Step on it, Fuzzy. Yes, sir.

Where is he?

Oh, isn't this great?

Here I am floating in space.

Oh, this is the place to be.

Whoopee!

Fozzie? Yes?

We're okay now. The wind's shifting.

Wait a minute. Hey, stay with him, Fozzie. Yeah. He's right above us.

Gotta catch up with those guys.

Kermit, you were so courageous, so magnificent.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

Say, the bear was magnificent after all I did to driving.

And I took a 100-foot belly flop onto a moving car.

Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command.

Gee. Oh, brother.

a little dinner for two.

Terrific! I'll eat with you, Miss Piggy. Not you, buzzer beak.

Just mon capitan and moi.

Well, uh, that, uh, that might be nice.

Oh, wow.

Good evening, Miss Piggy.

You look lovely tonight.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry if I kept you waiting.

Oh, it was worth it. How charming of you.

I, uh, I, uh, took the liberty of ordering us some wine.

Oh,

waiter.

Yes?

May I help you?

Uh, uh, the, uh, the wine, please.

Oh, you mad impetuous thing, it's champagne.

Not exactly.

Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho.

Well, you may serve us now, please. Oh, may I?

Look how he does that.

Yeah. Very suave.

Don't you want to smell the bottle cap?

Oh.

Smells good.

Yes. Would you like to taste it first?

I think he's supposed to.

Would you taste it for us, please?

Excellent choice.

Should be for 95 cents.

And may we have straws, please?

Yes. I expected that.

Thank you.

That'll be all for now.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Here's to you, Miss Piggy.

Drink up.

The wine?

Everything.

Well, it's a... It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?

And the moon is just lovely.

But, you know, Miss Piggy, the moon doesn't look like you.

Miss Piggy yes telephone I

did place one phone

call to my agent it'll only be

Evening. Ralph. Ralph the dog.

Sit yourself down.

Hermit. Hermit the dog.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm no Heifetz, but I get by.

That was very nice.

Oh, a broken heart, right?

Was it, sure?

Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have...

You've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for

every fallen star.

Exactly. She just walked out on me.

Typical. That's why I live alone.

You do, huh? You bet.

I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for

a walk and go to bed.

Nice and simple.

Stay away from women.

That's my motto.

But I can't. Neither can I. That's my trouble.

You can't live with them. You can't live without them.

There's something irresistible-ish about them.

We grin and bear it because the nights are long.

I hope that something better comes along.

I see what you mean.

It's no good complaining and pointless to holler.

If she's a beauty, she'll get under your collar.

She made a monkey out of old King Kong.

I hope that something better comes along.

Still, it's fun when you're fetching and agree to see an etching that you keep at

your lily pad.

There is no solution.

It's part of evolution.

The pitter patter of souls. The little feet of tadpoles.

Tadpoles don't have feet. Oh, sorry about that.

Two, three, four. There's no limitation to mixing and matching.

Some get an itching for a critter they've been scratching.

A skunk was badgered. The results were strong.

i hope that something better i hope that something better i hope that something

better comes along

motel right now my guys will meet you there well what if i don't

Are you the guys I'm supposed to meet?

That's good, Glenn.

That's good. That's nice and tight.

The professor's here, Doc.

Show me. Show me.

Kermit, I'm not a bit worried. I know you're planning something bold and

clever.

I got us this far, didn't I?

It's good to see you, Doc, you little rustic devil, you. Where's my victim? I

need patience.

Step this way. Of course. Professor, let me introduce you to your patient.

Professor Crossman is the world's leading authority on mind control in

frogs. It's a very rapidly growing field. You like garlic, don't you? Tell

us what you're going to do to our little Kermit. Well, we're going to perform an

electronic cerebrectomy.

A what? An electronic semaphrectomy.

What's that?

It's something so sensational that you'll have to hold on to your hat.

Yes. When a German scientist says, hold on to your hat, it's not casual

conversation. Hold on to your hat! Hat! Hold! Good.

Now, what we're going to do is bring out a machine that's going to wow you.

Boitram! Boitram, you!

Bring out the machine.

Where did you see this? You think we're sleeping in Dusseldorf?

You think we're taking a nap in Cologne? No, we're working at night. Each night a

new dial, a new knob, a diode, a transistor.

Cerebrectomy, cerebrectomy, electronic cerebrectomy.

What does it do?

What does it do? What does it do?

It turns the brains into guacamole.

First of all, I'll pull out of this, okay?

Wonderful.

Second.

Cast the surfer to provincial laughter.

Now, we take your friend, the little F-O-R-G, put him in the chair, clamp on

the terminals, drop the electronic yarmulke, and throw what we call in

German, the switch.

Yes,

you little green devil, soon it'll be a hot time in the old skull tonight.

Thank you, hair machine.

Now, the frog will do your bidding.

He will do your every whim, your every wish. He will do your television

commercial, yes.

He will sell your frog's legs.

Zapparooni. Head full of jelly.

A noggin full of library pain. Let's fry them brains.

Oh, Professor Crossman, you've got a fun job. I love it, I love it. If I can

inflict a little pain during the afternoon, I sleep good at night. Well,

we'll let you get on with it, then. My pleasure.

Max.

I'll be back later to pick up what's left of the frog.

What's left of the frog? You can have everything. Excuse the brain.

All right. Bring over the frog.

Oh, honey, whatever happens next, I wouldn't give up this evening together

for anything.

Would you?

Make me an offer.

Okay.

I got him. I got him. Good.

Good, good, good, good. And why don't we take a little seat, Kermit?

Hands down.

Feet in place.

Oh, will you stop whimpering?

Go out like a frog.

A little toad.

Okay, hair machine, this is big time here.

Ready to go to work? Hand clamps.

Foot clamps.

You can struggle all you want now, frog.

It'll do you... Very little good.

All right. And now it's time to drop the electronic beanie.

Soon there'll be enough voltage coursing through your little frog brain to light

up Cincinnati.

Oh, please, please.

Not my frog. Please.

Say goodbye to the frog, pig.

Why should I? Because in ten seconds, he won't know you from kosher bacon.

What the heck's going on here? A pig that goes bananas?

What is this, a luau?

Where'd she go? Oh, boy.

Get her!

I must reach the switch.

I must.

Switch. I must.

Just a second.

Hello?

Piggy, it's your agent.

Thank you.

Yeah, Marty, what do you got?

Commercial.

How much?

Mm-hmm. When?

Take it.

Hey, what happened?

Don't worry, animal. Your big scene is coming up.

Yeah, yeah, just be cool. They need another seat cushion.

Well,

how do you like the...

I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this. Well, I don't care what

anybody else says. I'm having a great time.

Oh, good.

The flame is okey-dokey.

Good. Roll film.

The flame is rolling.

Quiet,

quiet.

This is the patriotic part.

God shed his grace on thee, and crown

thy good with brotherhood from sea to sea.

swells in the heart of the American bear.

Hold it, boys.

Hold it.

Hold your fire.

Boys, no reflection on the job you've been doing, but I decided to bring in a

specialist.

Boss, this is Snake Walker.

Tell him what to do, Snake.

Kill frogs.

How long is it to Hollywood?

Well, we got to be there by tomorrow.

Hey, Kermit, are you going to get an agent like that pig had?

Gonzo, you know he's touchy about that.

Hey, listen. I don't believe that.

Yeah,

I know do you think we should help her with her bag

off the dog, and I was playing the piano, and I... I missed

you.

Don't I get one kissy-kissy?

No, I don't think so, Miss Piggy.

music to hug frogs by and this is doc hopper saying that if kermit the frog

don't stop right now and call me and agree to be my national spokesman he

will soon be a frog burger we'll be okay

Something broken about the engine up there.

Hey, don't worry. Someone's bound to come along.

Well,

I

guess we blew it, huh, Gonzo?

Yeah.

But the sky sure is beautiful out here.

Look at that.

We, uh, we're gonna miss the auditions tomorrow, right?

Kermit?

Boy, you could get lost in the sky like that.

I wish I had those balloons again.

So much for Hollywood.

Listen, gang, I never promised we'd make it.

I never promised anything.

This looks familiar.

Vaguely.

Familiar Almost unreal yet It's too

soon to feel yet Close to my soul

And yet so far away I'm going to

go back there someday

Sun rises

Night falls Sometimes the sky calls

Is that a song there?

And do I belong there?

I've never been there But I know the

way I'm going to go back there someday

Come and go with me. It's more fun to share.

We'll both be completely at home in

midair. We're flying, not walking on

featherless wings.

We can hold on to love.

Like invisible strings

There's

not a word yet For old friends who've just met

Part heaven, part space Or have I

found my place?

You can just visit

But I plan to stay I'm going to go

back there someday

I'm going to

go back there someday

I didn't promise anybody anything.

What do I know about Hollywood anyway?

Just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double features.

So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?

Because some agent fellow said I had talent.

He probably says that to everybody.

On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty

miserable anyhow.

Yeah.

But then it would just be me feeling miserable.

Now I got a lady pig and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo

is.

He's a little like a turkey.

Yeah, a little like a turkey, but not much.

No, I guess not.

Anyhow, I brought them all out here into the middle of nowhere.

It's all my fault.

Still, whether you promised them something or not, you got to remember

they wanted to come.

But that's because they believed in me.

No. They believed in the dream.

Well, so do I, but... You do?

Yeah, of course I do.

Well, then... Well, then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised

anyone.

I promised me.

Hmm.

Hmm?

Huh.

Hmm.

Hmm, so wait a minute.

What, what's happening?

At the moment, we're what's happening.

Oh, great, wonderful, yeah.

Suit, hey, suit.

Hold it, hold it.

Animal, cool it back there.

Yeah.

All right, yeah.

Hey, listen, it's wonderful to see you guys, but how did you ever find us?

Oh, easy. We just read the screenplay you left us.

Exterior Desert Night.

We knew right where you were.

Like, can you get behind it?

Hey, listen, when do you dudes have to be at that audition?

Two o'clock tomorrow afternoon.

Well, climb aboard the bus. We'll have breakfast at Hollywood and Vine.

Motorcycle cop.

Motorcycle cop is a sweet nothing.

Well, motorcycle cop is chasing us.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.

Hey, easier done than said.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Drake City.

What do we do now, huh?

Oh, dear.

Hey,

hey, the man with the badge, the police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I. Don't!

You dare?

I wouldn't think of it.

Did we do something wrong, officer?

Kermit, it's him!

Okay, gang, let him explain.

This whole disguise is only so I could warn you. Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

I thought the doc was going to hurt Kermit. I only thought he was going to

lean on him a little.

But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast, and the man is deadly.

I love it. Chase music is one of our

best riffs.

Hold it, Dr. Teeth. What's up ahead?

It's only an old ghost town.

Fine.

Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper I'll be waiting for him there.

What? What? Comet, you get killed.

Listen,

guys. Listen, I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully.

It's time for a showdown.

Listen, I'm going to check things out.

Everybody stay on the bus, okay? Mm-hmm.

Hey, Kermit.

Can I take Animal for a walk? He needs some exercise.

Yeah, sure.

What is that?

That's one of my latest inventions, a musical rotating rain barrel.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

You see, I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my assistant, Beaker.

We live here perfecting useful inventions.

Come in. Come in.

Welcome to our laboratory.

Please don't touch anything.

Uh, is this the only street in the town?

Uh, yes, yes.

Hey, what are you dudes doing in here?

I'm so glad you asked. We're perfecting our latest invention, Instagrow pills.

Well, what in the name of Fats Waller is that?

A four-foot prune.

A four-foot... True.

Yeah, man, well, what else do these pills make big?

Oh, they work on anything.

But the effect is sadly temporary.

Oh,

no.

Hey, Kermit, here comes Doc Hopper.

I know. I'll be ready for him.

last chance you're gonna do my tv commercial live or stuffed

hopper what's the matter with you you're gonna be crazy chasing

me halfway across the country why are you doing this to me because all my life

i wanted to own a thousand frog leg restaurants and you're the key greenie

yeah well i've got a dream too but it's about singing and dancing and making

people happy

That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it

with.

And, well, I found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream.

And it kind of makes us like a family.

Do you have anybody like that, Hopper?

I mean, once you get all those restaurants, who are you going to share

it with?

Who are your friends, Doc?

Those guys?

Max!

I got lots of friends.

Max, for instance.

Max. I don't think you're a bad man, Doc.

And I think if you look in your heart, you'll find you really want to let me

and my friends go to follow our dream.

But if that's not the kind of man you are, and if what I'm saying doesn't make

any sense to you, well then, go ahead and kill me.

Kill him.

No, wait, please.

Yes,

Mr. Lord, I'll have those deal memos for you in a jiffy.

Mr. Lord can't be disturbed by anyone. He's packaging a blockbuster.

Uh-huh.

Kermie, look, it's wonderful.

Yeah. Like a dream come true.

Well, don't count your tadpoles until they're hatched. I still have to

audition, you know. Hey, there ain't nothing to it but to do it.

And where do you think you're going?

Oh, hi there. I'm going to audition for Lou Lord.

You can't just walk in here off the... street, you know.

Especially not with all these animals.

Animals? What's wrong with animals?

Animals!

This is a movie studio, not a zoo.

Besides, I'm allergic to animal hair.

Now get along, all of you.

No, no, wait a second.

See here, miss, I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a

chance. And we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in.

to send us in to see Lou Lord, aren't we, gang, huh? Yes, yes!

Come on!

We'll just sit right down and wait.

I'm scared, isn't it, Tracy?

Uh-huh. I want to be part of it.

Yes, yes, shake, shake! Come on, shake it a little!

That's it.

Go get him, man. Way to go.

Allergies are nothing compared to cats. I'm allergic to cats myself.

Mr. Lord, forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

We've come over 2,000 miles to... Oh, boy.

Comey, we're all with you.

Please,

sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we read your ad, and, well, we've come to

be rich and famous.

Miss Tracy, prepare the standard rich and famous contract for

Kermit the Frog and Company.

Oh,

just

look at all this.

How did a frog make the big time?

It starts when we're kids.

I show off at school.

Making faces at friends.

You're a clown and a fool.

Doing pratfalls and bird calls and bad imitations. Ignoring your homework is

that dedication.

You work through the mirror.

You're getting standing ovation.

You're burning with hope.

You're building up steam.

What was once juvenile-ish is grown up and stylish. You're close to your dream.

Getting somebody out there live.

All right,

everybody, production number, okay?

Off the trucks and on the job!

Wow,

let's do it.

Do what? The movie.

Yes, sir.

The foot stopper.

Yes,

let's do it. Yes.

Hey, 5G, take those wagons out of there.

Yes, sir. I'm off.

Scenery over there, right?

Moving right along. Hey!

Hey, those are the trees for the swamp.

Mellow and profitable.

Let's make the scene.

Okay, hon.

Watch your tree, Rolf.

Careful, Scooter.

Watch it.

Miss Piggy, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Hollywood talk.

Good.

The lights?

Yeah. Good.

Save those arcs.

Crazy Harry plays with electricity.

Sound is ready. Give me a level.

Rolling.

Okay, everybody, stay in focus, huh?

Okay, Muppet movie, scene 1A, take one.

Makeup ready.

Uh-huh. Scenery ready.

Yeah. Sound is rolling. Good. Camera rolling.

Are there so many songs about rainbows? That's part of what

rainbows do.

Rainbows are memories, sweet dream reminders.

What is it you'd like to do?

All of us watching and wishing we'd find it.

I've noticed you're watching.

Someday you'll find it. The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers and...

Life's like a movie, write your own ending Keep believing, keep

pretending We've done just what we set out to do

Thanks to the lovers,

the dreamers, and you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Fonzie, you were very great.

Go home!

Go home!

Bye-bye.