Original subtitles

[music]

[music] This will be a [singing]

Christmas for one and all.

>> This will be a Christmas for one and

all.

>> This will be [music] a Christmas that

you'll [singing] recall.

>> This will be a Christmas that you'll

recall.

>> Never has such spirit been on display.

Never [music] has such fear been shown.

>> Wish it were Christmas every day.

Christmases. This will be the most

[music]

Christmases. This will be the most. We

[singing] like to offer [music] you a

toast

to all our friends [singing] and that we

have a jet. [music]

May this be the mer Christmas. Yes.

[music]

The mer Christmas. This will [singing]

be the Christmas yet.

>> This [music] will be [singing] the

Christmas yet.

>> Hold it.

>> This man is Ebenezer Scrooge, a mean,

miserable, nasty, belligerent, cheap old

skin flint. And those were his good

points.

>> [laughter]

>> This is Rich Little's A Christmas Carol

starring Rich Little

as

WC Fields,

Paul Win, Richard Nixon, Edith Bunker,

John Wayne, and many, many more. [music]

As our story opens. Oh, [music] I'm

sorry. Carry on, Scrooge. As our story

opens, it's the day before Christmas and

Scrooge is on his way to work. Oh, by

the way, he's in the boat and bottle

business.

Darn carers. Hope they owe D and

happiness.

>> And what a business it was, too.

>> Good morning, Mr. Scrooge.

>> Ah, bad morning. Bad morning. Bad

morning. His assistant Bob Cratchet

built the boats and Scrooge emptied the

bottles. [laughter]

>> I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas

[laughter]

>> just like the one.

>> But in the last few years, business was

falling off because Scrooge was emptying

the bottles faster than Cratchet could

build the boats.

>> Cratchet, what are you doing jumping up

and down like that? Are you loaded?

You're supposed to be working. Good

heavens, man. You're in more shape than

I am.

I'm doing a new dance. It's called

freezing and shivering.

Staying alive. Staying alive.

Man so drunk I can hardly see him. Now,

back to work. Uh, Mr. Scrooge, can I put

some more wood on the fire? I know. No,

no. You're burning wood like it grows on

trees.

Uh just uh just keep dancing.

What a skin fl. Do you know he's so

cheap he even has a burglar alarm on his

garbage can. [laughter]

I remember once a rattlesnake bit him

and it was just terrible

watching that poor reptile curl up and

die like that.

Mr. Scrooge, you should enjoy this.

I damn it. Stay alive. Stay alive.

It's your nephew. Freddy.

Hey,

Freddy.

>> [laughter]

>> I know you love me tonight, but will you

respect me in the morning?

A [laughter]

merry Christmas, Uncle

>> Humb.

Same to you with knobs on it. [laughter]

Boy, I got to tell you, it is really

cold in here.

>> How cold is that?

>> It's so cool. Are you ready? Are you

ready for this? Ah, it's so cool.

I saw two cockroaches with jumper cables

trying to get a mouse started.

[laughter]

May an unclean chemist put Drano in your

snuff box. [laughter]

>> What fatal is the meaning of this

intrusion? I've uh brought you your

invitation to Christmas dinner.

>> Ah, not interested.

Aspirin

bufferin

ebenezer scrooge.

Aspirin buffer eene scrooge.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Name two headache remedies and one big

pain.

>> I I know the way. Uncle, don't don't

bother.

I don't bother. It's a pleasure.

>> Cheap comic with material like that, you

won't go anywhere.

Disgusting.

>> Ah, excuse me, sir. Now, who's

interrupting my work? My name is Mr.

Hardy, [laughter]

and this is my good friend, Mr. Laurel.

And we represent the poor, the needy,

and the destitute.

>> Well, that's right. And one family we

know has a little boy who would love to

have a dog for Christmas, but they can't

afford it. So, the mother's teaching the

father how to chase cars. [laughter]

Would you shut up for 5 seconds? Can't

you see I'm talking to this nice

gentleman?

You're teaching her father how to chase

cars.

>> Don't you know cars haven't been

invented yet?

>> Well, I guess that's why I can't catch

any.

>> We were wondering if you'd care to make

a small donation for the poor.

>> Ah, no. [laughter]

Well, then in that case, how would you

like to make a large donation?

[laughter] Ah, no. Again. No.

When I donate to charity who wish to

remain anonymous, that's why I never

sign the check.

[laughter]

>> But sir, what are we going to tell the

poor, the needy, and the destitute?

>> Ah, tell them to use hamburger helper.

[laughter]

>> Well, that's a wonderful idea, Ollie. I

bet they never thought of that.

Come Stanley, we're being had.

But let me leave you with this one

thought, my dear sir.

It is better to give

than to receive.

Can't you do anything right?

>> Well, that's right. And don't forget,

you can lead a horse to water, but you

can't make him shrink.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Oh, where did I put that? Oh my

Bessie Bessie

Bessy Bessie.

I'd like to compliment you and your

work. Let me know when you're going to

start.

But Mr. Crojets Christmas.

Ah, poor excuse for picking a man's

pocket every 25th of December.

Oh, well,

here's your weekly salary.

[laughter]

Ah, it's uh it's your feeding time.

Thank you.

Not just this moment. Where you going?

>> Well, I was going to take it to the

bank. I mean, it's too little to go by

itself. [laughter]

>> I suppose you'll be wanting the whole

day off tomorrow. If it's convenient.

>> Yes. Well, it's not convenient. It's not

fair. I gave you the whole day off last

year.

I hope this doesn't turn into a habit.

Oh well.

But be in here an hour earlier the next

morning to make up for

>> Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. And a

merry good night, sir. [laughter]

Oh,

incidentally, just for the record, I I

came in an hour earlier last year, and

you charged me rent.

Well, I guess we've established by now

that Scrooge is one heck of a sweet guy.

Anyway, late that night, miserable

Scrooge left his miserable office, took

his miserable self home to his miserable

flat at um uh

>> 225 miserable lane.

Hate to break up a set.

>> [music]

>> suffering sciatica.

What's happening

my fellow countrymen? I am trying to

make myself perfectly clear.

I am back.

I could have sworn I saw Jacob Marley's

face right there in the knocker.

Rubbish.

Come back.

>> [laughter]

[music]

[music]

>> You think this is bad. You should see

what the poor people eat.

I wonder what wine goes with frozen

ghoul.

I am

[laughter]

absorbers

[music]

screw

screw.

I don't bother. I didn't give it the

office either.

Who the devil are you?

>> Don't you recognize me in life? I was

your partner, Jacob Marley.

Jacob Marley?

Ridiculous. Why? Take him while he's

dead. He's been dead these seven years.

As a matter of fact, he died seven years

ago this very night.

>> Do you believe in me or not?

>> No. No. And neither did anybody else.

>> I have come to save you.

>> Bigtale. You can even save yourself.

That's true. That's true. I I did have

some problems. I mean, I did make some

mistakes.

>> Yes, I know you were guilty. All right.

>> I didn't say that. I said I made some

very bad mistakes.

Oh, hear me. You shall be visited

tonight by three spirits.

>> Ah, now you're talking. Ah, make it

vodka, scops, and a small pint of gin.

[laughter]

Expect the first when the bell tolls

won. The second 18 and 12 minutes later.

>> Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a

minute. Wait till I uh I get a pencil

here.

I'll forget about it.

They'll never let me forget about those

18 and 12.

[laughter]

And the third when the last stroke has

ceased to vibrate.

want to see me no more.

[laughter]

Unless, of course, I need some money.

Then I'll probably write another book or

appear on another talk show.

Hogwash

Jacob Harley

[music]

must be overwork. Couldn't be the fool.

[music]

No,

I better go to bed so I can wake up

bright and nasty.

>> [music]

>> 1:00 the hour itself and nothing. I knew

it. The whole thing was a magnet of my

fig nation.

[laughter]

Hate working at night, but I need a

drink.

Oh.

[laughter]

Of

all the gin joints in all the towns in

all the world, I had to walk into his.

[laughter]

Who the devil are you?

I'm the ghost of Christmas past.

Ah, long past.

Now your pass, sweetheart.

So rise and walk with me. You're taking

the fool.

Ah, you you you must be joking.

All right, shut up and listen, fat man.

I guess you thought I was going to play

the psy for you, huh? Well, I play the

sap for nobody. I do know this, Moose

Breath. Unless you get on your feet in 5

seconds, I'm going to slap you silly.

You don't really mean to see Dobs don't

say nothing he don't mean.

>> Lead on spirit.

I'm with you.

[laughter]

A spirit. I recognize this place. Why?

It's the old Bolton and Bottle

Warehouse. I used to work here as a boy.

Ah, it looks like their annual Christmas

party. Ah, and there's me.

Gosh, what a cute kid. I am.

And look, there's uh what's his name?

Dick Wilkins, my longtime ch. Ah,

there's old fizzy wig, my boss.

It's a typical [music] office party. for

this typical time of [singing] year.

>> Just take a peek in every nook and

cranny.

>> There's hugging and there's kissing

>> and there's someone pinching someone's

fatty.

>> Everyone seems so [singing]

[music] everyone's in high.

>> It's a typical office party

>> for this typical [music] time of year.

>> You know the difference between making

love and making a bowl of punch? [music]

>> I'll be in the stock room in 20 minutes.

It's your typical office party [music]

with your typical atmosphere. [singing]

The shing and the wonderful

the singing and the dancing and a lot of

lips are mistletoeing. [music] Oh, what

a lovely feeling

that we have going here. [music] As

things get more familiar and it's going

to get more sillier. As time become more

hazier, it's going to get much crazier.

Typical office [music] party for this

typical [singing] time of year.

>> It's a typical office party for this

typical time of year. So get your own

girl.

Ah fywig. Yes. What a strange man he

was. Sweet, kind, funny, generous.

And those were his bad points.

>> [laughter]

>> I remember once he told me to treat the

warehouse like it was my own.

>> Yeah. What'd you do?

>> I sold it.

>> How you care for a cookie, Eenezer?

>> I don't mind if I do.

>> And listen, how how would you like to

contribute to the poor boss? [snorts]

I hardly touched it.

[laughter]

Abenezer, let let me ask you something.

How how can you not help the less

fortunate?

>> Ah, Gi, don't give them anything.

But [laughter] that's ridiculous. I

mean, this is Christmas time. It's it's

a time for giving. It's it's a time for

sharing. That's just propaganda started

by the poor.

[laughter]

Ebenezer, let let me ask you something

here. Don't you know it's better? It's

better to give than to receive.

Better to give.

It's hard to believe.

And it's always nice. It's nice when you

can lend a helping hand. Lend a helping

hand.

Not from where I stand. So it's nutty to

me.

>> It's always nice when you have more than

plenty to hand out a 10 or 20. It will

make you feel so good. handing out

dough. I don't think it won.

>> It's nice to help your brother.

>> I wouldn't even help my mother.

>> But giving can be more fun than you

think.

>> My friend, I think you better go and see

a shrink.

>> Not just a dogone minute here, Eenezer.

Your your thinking's all wrong.

Everybody ought to help his neighbor.

>> How ridiculous.

>> When his neighbor needs a helping hand.

>> That's nonsense.

>> Now, sometimes you must go to bat or

pass the half.

>> I don't buy that.

>> Japanese are I I don't understand you.

>> The thought of giving gives me

indigestion.

Philanthropy is not my cup of tea.

I don't believe in any cows, good

fairies, or in Santa Claus. So save your

breath with a chicken.

No one's ever going to get a scent from

me. Abeneer, amer, your heart must live

in a freezer. You're a miser and you're

so unfair.

Fluttery won't get you anywhere. Oh, I

give up. Nice guy, crazy ideas. No one's

ever going to get a scent

from

me.

Money,

money,

[music]

money.

Ah, excuse me, sir.

Sir,

bar closing.

[laughter]

Excuse me, sir. I I hate to bother you.

I know you're very very busy sleeping,

but I'm the ghost of Christmas presents,

and I was wondering, sir, if you would

care to come with me.

>> What's the charge?

>> Oh, no, no, no charge, sir. It's free. I

would just like to show you what's going

on this Christmas.

>> Very well, Spirit.

If I have a lesson to learn, let me

profit by it. Fine. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, one other thing, sir, and I hate to

bother you with this, but this is a

very, very fine looking bed that you've

got here, sir. My wife's mother has a

bed very, very similar to this. This is

very, [laughter] very nice. Very nice.

Would you mind, sir? And I hate to

impose. Would you mind if I tried it

out, sir? Uh, [laughter]

my guest.

>> Oh, thank you very much. Thank you very

much. I'm sorry to put you up.

Oh, [laughter] this is very, very

comfortable, sir. Very comfortable. Ah,

excuse my ignorance, sir, but is this a

water bed? Water bed? Good heavens.

Can't stand water. fish function in it.

No, my ruffle friend, this happens to be

a genuine beer bed.

[laughter]

I'm sorry, sir. I might have known. I

didn't mean to ask such a silly

question. [laughter] Anyway, I just want

to tell you that this is a very, very

comfortable bed you've got. You must get

a lot of use out of a bed like this.

>> Ah, yes indeed. Yes indeed.

Ah, fatally. You hear this?

>> It always has a head on it.

Read on, spirit. After that, you put a

lead on quickly.

>> Ah, no rice, sir. I thought it was

funny. Very, very funny.

H. Where are we? Now, who lives here?

Now, who are all these people?

>> Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I forgot you've

never been here before. This is the home

of your assistant, Bob Cratchet. And

this is his wife and family, and they're

getting ready for Christmas dinner.

[crying]

>> Hurry, children. Your father will be

home in a few minutes. Let's get the

food on the table.

>> But, mother, the food is on the table.

Oh, so it is.

It's so little.

I know. We'll put it on smaller plates

and make it look like more. [laughter]

>> Good heaven, spirit. That family's in a

bad way.

>> Bad way. Now, that is an understatement,

sir. Did you know they're so poor that

every Christmas thieves break into their

house and leave presents?

>> [laughter]

>> Merry Christmas everybody.

>> Merry Christmas, Bob.

>> Ah, spirit. Who? Or maybe I should say,

what is that on Bob's shoulders?

Oh, uh, that's their little lame son,

Tiny Tim. Brilliant little kid. Wants to

be a writer when he grows up. The only

problem is, sir, he's already grown up.

>> [laughter]

>> Oh, thank you, dear Bob. Did you have a

good time today? Was Tiny Tim a good

boy?

>> Oh, he was as good as gold.

>> What do you think of the meal we've

prepared for you, father?

>> I found stuff.

Oh, this meat is so thin. It only has

one side.

>> Well, it's the best we can do. What with

the salary that miserable boss pays you?

>> I know. It's disgusting.

If I continue at this rate, I should

retire owing only £60,000.

>> [laughter]

>> Incidentally, I tried to buy Scrooge a

Christmas present today.

>> Ah, thank you, Bob. Thank you, my good

man.

>> Uh oh, but I didn't.

How do you wrap up a saloon?

>> Want some soup, father?

>> Oh, all right. Pass the paintbrush.

>> [laughter]

>> Ow, we haven't said grace yet.

Tim, would you stand and say grace?

[laughter]

I am standing.

God bless us everyone.

I tell me spirit, will a little boy Tiny

Tim will he live? I see a crutch without

an owner, a book without a title. Now,

if these shadows remain, I'm afraid the

boy will die.

>> Oh, no. No, no, no. Spirit, no. No, no.

Say the boy will live. Say he'll live,

spirit. Say he'll live. Say he'll live.

Spirit, say he'll live.

And he's a Scrooge.

And he's a Scrooge.

Where are you now? What? What's going on

out there now? Who is it? I am the ghost

of Christmas time.

>> The man who invented the bottle SHOULD

BE SHUT.

I [laughter] THINK he was shot WHEN HE

INVENTED THE BOTTLE.

MR. SCROOGE.

Miss

M Scrooge.

M Scrooie.

Where are you hiding? Huh?

There you are. How did you not wish me?

>> I can see by the light of your noose.

Uh, by the light uh of my uh nose.

>> That's what I said. You idiot. You're a

noose.

[laughter] A candle.

The stage hands are no dummies.

Good evening, Mure. I am the ghost of

Christmas yet to come. I'm here this

evening to show you what is going to

happen in the future. I will be taking

you to a number of places. I'm sure you

will recognize. I will show you.

Fire. FIRE.

I'VE HAD ALL I'M GOING TO TAKE OF THIS.

I'M OFF.

>> COME BACK. YOU MUST NOT ESCAPE US HERE.

COME BACK.

>> [laughter]

>> SPIRIT, I give up. Let's go before you

completely wreck my humble abode.

Ah, spirit. Ah, those men over there. I

recognize them. Why, they're business

associates of mine.

What are they doing standing around here

talking for? They're usually at work at

this time.

>> Listen and you will find out. [laughter]

>> I don't believe it. He finally passed

on, did he?

>> Well, it's about time his liver's been

dead for years.

>> Well, I'm told they're going to bury him

face down.

>> Yeah. Well, that's that's that's just so

he can see where he's going. [laughter]

I don't know why they don't wet the

ground and let him seep in. Well, that

wouldn't work unless they first soak the

ground with booze.

>> Well, listen. Do you think he'll take

his money with him?

>> Well, he might if he can find an

asbestous suitcase.

Look at this pilgrims. His death notice

is listed under public improvements.

[laughter]

Those things are terrible. I never

realized how despicable those men were.

Saying all those disgusting things about

a fellow human being. Who are they

talking about?

>> Missia, my time is growing short.

>> I know. No, no, Spirit. No. I I I've

seen it enough. Spirit, take me back.

Take me back.

>> Not quite yet.

Spirit, what a miserable place this is.

All these weeds, dirt, and filth.

Ah, tell me who was buried in this

desolate place. And desiraables,

the unwanted,

thieves, murderers,

derelcts,

people without names, people without

money, people who are

Clumsy.

Uh, spirit. Uh, what are you doing down

there?

>> Help me up, please.

NO SPIRIT. AH, NO. SPIRIT. NO. NO. NO.

Take away the writing of the stone.

Please spirit. Please. Pity me, spirit.

Pity me.

>> Pity you. Pity me, you idiot. [laughter]

But I am sorry, Miss Sia. It is a little

late for that. H. No, no, no, it isn't.

Uh, you could do it. I'm a good man.

Really?

>> Let us look at the situation.

[snorts] Fact.

You're a hopeless drunk.

>> No, no, no. That isn't true. I've

changed. I've cut down. I'm using bigger

ice cubes. [laughter]

>> Fact,

you are selfish. You have never lifted A

FINGER TO HELP ANYONE.

>> I know. No, no, that isn't true either.

I've given many people who need my help

the finger.

>> Fact.

>> You hate Christmas.

No, no, that's that that's not true. Uh,

that's just a rumor started by those

carolers that I had thrown in jail the

other night.

>> I am sorry, Missure, but the facts SPEAK

FOR THEMSELVES.

>> BUT I'LL CHANGE, SPIRIT. I'll change. I

really will. I I'll change. I'll change.

>> Well, I'll have to change, too. I am

filthy.

[laughter]

Now,

will you honor Christmas?

>> I with all my heart.

>> Will you donate your life to helping

others?

>> Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

>> Will you give up liquor and become a

sober citizen?

[laughter]

>> I said, "Will you give up liquor and

become a sober citizen?" Try and read my

lips. Mure. Will you give up liquor and

become a sober citizen?

>> Yes, I heard you. Ah,

two out of three isn't bad, is it?

Oh, yes. I'll uh I'll never touch

another drop again. That's the toughest

line I've ever had to say. Just take

away the writing on that dreadful stone.

Oh, pity me, spirit. Pity me. Pity me.

Please, spirit. Please. You've got

Oh. Uh, no, no problem. I I could fix

this. Just shorten it a little. And uh,

wait a second.

This isn't a spirit's trench coat.

Why? It's my own robe.

And this is my own room. And it's

morning. Ah, but what morning?

Huh? I hear dreadful music coming from

the street.

Are you you are blue eyes?

What day is this? What? What day is it?

Why? Why? It's Christmas day.

>> Christmas day.

I haven't missed it. Ah, the spirits did

it all in one night.

>> What? What's that? Give you a hangover.

>> Oh, no. No, no, no. You don't

understand. Uh, listen. Uh, do you know

the poultry shop in the corner?

>> Yeah. No, no. But I do know Turkey and

the Strong.

>> No, no, no, no, no. You don't

understand. No. I was talking about the

butcher shop in the next block.

>> Oh. Oh, the butcher shop. Well, of

course. I used to work there.

>> Ah, yes. YES. MIGHT I ASK, my good man,

is there a turkey in the window? Yes,

there certainly is. And I'm talking to

him right now. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Ah gosh, what a cute little gobble. If

it wasn't for that slow delivery, this

kid might go places. [laughter]

Well, go and buy it.

>> Buy what?

>> Uh the uh that the turkey and the

butcher shop.

>> Oh, sure. Sure. What with snowballs?

Ah, good point. Good point.

Here you are.

Money.

Did he say

money?

[laughter]

What?

I'll be back in 10 minutes. I'll give

you a shilling. Be back in five and I'll

give you half a crown.

Ah, look at the little tot.

I'll send the turkey to Bob Cratchets.

Boy, will he be surprised.

Strange walking that young kid.

[laughter]

I bet if you put a dress on him, I could

take him to my nephew's place for

dinner.

>> Money, you'll never fall away. [music]

spirit and you greetings. It's nice to

hear it. It's always [music] cheerful

this time of year. [singing]

That's what I like about Christmas.

>> Oh, that's what I like about Christmas.

>> Kids are happy

[music and singing]

in December.

When

that's what I like about Christmas.

>> That's what I like about Christmas.

When the snowflakes start to fall

[singing and music] in

that certain end, that's when they all

start recalling. Christmas time

[music and singing] is here again.

>> A Christmas time is here again.

Everybody [music and singing]

is ready to

[music and singing]

cheer you. That's what I like about

That's what I like about That's what

[music] I like about Christmas.

[music]

>> Now, I won't say that Uncle Scrooge is

cheap, but do you know he charges a

penny to get into his washroom

and two to get out? [laughter]

Ah,

and it's so cold in that washroom.

It's so cold.

How cold was it?

>> It was so cold that when you turn the

shower on, it snowed for 20 minutes.

[laughter]

Would you believe the tidy man was

wearing skates?

That's what he was doing. Just

[laughter]

wearing the skates.

Saved by the bell.

>> [laughter]

>> Ah, well, I'll be dog gone if it isn't

the man of the hour himself, old Uncle

Scrooge. [laughter]

>> Ah, Fred, is it too late to accept your

kind invitation to dinner?

>> Too late? Of course not. Come on in. Ah,

look who it is, everybody. It's Uncle

Scrooge. Scrooge.

I know you all think I'm just a

miserable old drunk. I don't blame you.

But I would consider it an honor if you

would accept these small tokens of

goodwill. Merry Christmas everybody.

Merry Christmas. Ah yes. Merry

Christmas. There's one for you.

[laughter]

One for you my dear. Merry Christmas.

Ah, yes.

Oh, look at those faces.

>> Uncle, I got to tell you, this is a

surprise.

>> Can I fix your drink?

>> I drink? [laughter]

I know. No, I uh I can't stand the sight

of the stars.

>> No, I know. That's why you drink. To get

it out of your sight.

>> I know. No, no, Fred. Honestly, I uh I

promised someone I'd never touch another

drop again.

Dr.

Are you people buying this stuff?

[music]

>> This will be a Christmas for one and

all. [singing]

>> This will be a Christmas for one and

all.

>> This will be a Christmas that [music]

you'll recall. [singing]

>> This will be the Christmas that you'll

recall.

>> Never has such spirit been on

[singing and music] display.

>> Never has such spirit been shown. makes

you kind of wishing her Christmas

[music and singing] every day.

Of all the Christmases, this will be

>> of all [music] the Christmases, this

will be the [singing]

offer you

[music]

>> to all my friends and those I haven't

met yet.

[music]

>> May this be the [singing] Christmas.

Yes, the Christmas. This will [music] be

the mer Christmas yet.

>> This will [music and singing] be the mer

Christmas yet.

[laughter]

The next morning, Scrooge was early at

his office.

If he could just catch Bob Cratchet

coming in late. Oh, that's what he'd set

his heart on.

And he did it.

[laughter]

And this will be the merriest Christmas.

It will be the merriest.

Old rapid robber.

[laughter]

[laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> What do you mean by coming here this

time of day?

Oh, I I am behind my time, sir.

>> Ah, yes indeed. Yes, indeed you are.

Well, I I was making rather merry

yesterday.

Well, I'm not going to put up with this

sort of thing any longer.

Therefore, here it comes.

Therefore,

I am about to raise your salary.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOB, MY GOOD FELLOW.

I marry a Christmas Bob like I've given

you for many years.

I'll endeavor to assist your struggling

family. I'll make you an equal partner.

And that boy of yours will see to it

that he becomes a novelist. [snorts]

[laughter]

I love life so much I can't stand

myself.

[laughter] BOB, I've been a fool. A

blind old fool. But I'll make it up to

you. I really will. Why? In the old

days, this would call for a drink.

>> A drink? Fine. I'll break out a couple

of cartons, sir. [laughter]

>> No, no, no, Bob. No, no. I I'm tempted.

I really am. But no. Uh, [clears throat]

do I really have to say this line?

[laughter]

[clears throat] Break out the

buttermilk, Bob.

Buttermilk. [laughter]

buttermilk.

But sir, what's going to happen to the

boat and bottle business? You empty the

bottles and I build the boats. Well, I'm

going to have to become a silent

partner, Bob. Somebody else will have to

empty the bottle. As a matter of fact, I

have a young folk coming around today.

If it works out, we're in business.

But if he doesn't work out, we may be

all washed up in the boat and bottle

business.

Oh, but sir, no one could ever match

your record.

Ah, thank you, Bob. Thank you. That's

the nicest thing that anyone's ever said

to me. I don't know too much about this

young fella, but uh I was desperate.

Ah, that uh that must be him now.

Everybody

loves somebody.

Everybody falls in love somehow.

I think we're going to be all right.

Well, that's my version of A Christmas

Carol. Oh, incidentally, before I go, a

special thanks to all the stars who lent

me their personalities.

because without them.

>> Here's looking at you, Rich.

>> Thank you, Rich. Oh, Rich. Rich, happy

holidays,

Rich. Thanks for making me so beautiful.

>> Thanks for giving me a small part.

>> Merry Christmas, Rich. Merry Christmas,

Rich. Goodbye. Thanks, Rich.

>> Merry Christmas, Rich. Merry Christmas,

kid.

Ah, thanks Rich. Have a happy holiday.

[music]

[music]

>> [music]

[bell]

[bell]

>> Heat. Heat. [music]

>> [bell]

[laughter]