Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- And then after about three weeks, a chick hatches.

- Whoa.

Van Driessen's talking about chicks.

- Whoa.

- Now, the baby chicks mature over the course of several--

- Hey! Hey!

Chicks don't come out of a chicken, dumbass.

They get "born-ded."

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, they're sort of like people, almost, in a way.

[chuckles]

- OK.

It's highly offensive to call women chicks

and also to say they're not people, mm-kay?

- OK.

[chuckles]

- Chickens lay eggs, which hatch into baby chickens,

the same eggs that you might have

noticed cost a fortune these days at the grocery store.

- Yeah.

You can barely afford to throw 'em at houses anymore.

It's a damn shame.

[chuckles]

- OK, I'm just going to continue with the lesson,

because we have to get to DNA by Thursday.

Like--

- Chickens lay eggs.

I'll be damned.

[chuckles]

- Hey, Beavis, we gotta get a chicken.

Then we can sell its dumb eggs and get rich.

- Whoa, that's a good idea.

How come nobody's ever thought of that before?

[chuckles]

- Everybody else besides us is dumb, Beavis.

Just look at 'em. [chuckles]

OK, here's how we're gonna get us a chicken.

I'm gonna batter you up and roll you in these bird seeds.

And then those dumb chickens will just follow you home.

- Yeah, yeah, sounds good.

[chuckles]

- Now, take off your shirt.

[glue sloshing]

There we go.

Now, get down there. [chuckles]

- [chuckles]

This kind of tickles, Butt-Head.

- Shut up, Beavis.

You're bait now. [chuckles]

- Hold on. I just gotta get some on my nads.

[chuckles]

- Uh, why?

[chuckles]

- What if the chicken wants to peck my nads?

The chicken food will protect 'em.

See?

[chuckles]

- Uh, oh, good idea.

[chuckles] You're not as dumb as I thought, Beavis.

[chuckles]

- There we go.

All set.

[chuckles]

- Now let's go get us a chicken.

[chuckles]

- Um, Butt-Head, I'm a little nervous, 'cause, um,

I'm kind of afraid of birds.

[chuckles]

- Uh, don't worry, Beavis.

They're just as afraid of you as you

are of, uh, me or something.

[chuckles]

OK, now we just need to walk around

until we find, like, a zoo.

[chuckles]

- OK. [chuckles]

I guess that doesn't sound that--

ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Butt-Head, help!

Ahh!

- Whoa!

Chickens! [chuckles]

My plan was cool.

- Ow! Ahh!

- This is Colt.

He taught me how to noodle catfish back in Tennessee.

But most importantly, he taught me how to be a man.

I haven't gotten back in the water since,

so let's see if he's able to work his magic again.

National trapper-- he's a professional noodler.

And right now--

- Noodling catfish?

What is that?

[chuckles]

- Uh, that's, like, when, like, a big, manly guy like this

shoves his fist down a catfish's throat,

and then he, like, kicks its ass.

[chuckles]

- Oh, I see.

[chuckles] I thought it was like when someone

pretends to be like a really hot chick on the internet,

you know? [chuckles]

Because that would be great. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] Yeah.

- As long as I didn't figure it out, that would be amazing,

you know.

- Whoo!

- You know, I was wondering, like, you know how they,

like, put their fist in the catfish's mouth, you know?

They just jam it in there like that, you know?

Well, you think they ever put their, um--

ahh, never mind. Never mind.

- Uh, put their what?

- Well, I mean, um,

I'm just thinking, you know, um,

the fish is down there, right?

It's in the water, you know.

It's all murky, you know, so no one can really see.

So I was just wondering if they-- ah, never mind.

- Uh, no, but really, what were you talking about, Beavis?

[chuckles]

- Well, it's just because, you know, like I say,

they're in the water, right?

And the catfish is down there.

I just wonder if they ever like, you know,

I don't know, pull their shorts down.

And maybe they could noodle them with something else,

you know? [chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis.

What are you talking about? [chuckles]

- You know, they go down there-- OK.

Yeah, this part's kind of hard to explain.

But, um, you see, the catfish-- so instead

of putting their fist in the catfish's mouth,

see-- oh, so did I mention their pants are down?

- Yes, Beavis.

- Oh, OK. OK, so their pants are down,

and then you'd have the fish there, right?

So, um-- oh, it would have to be a chick catfish, though.

You know? [chuckles]

- Uh, what if it's a dude catfish?

[chuckles]

- Well, if it's a dude catfish, I wouldn't do

what I have in mind, you know.

[chuckles]

[knock at door]

- Uh, wait a second.

Somebody breaking in?

[door clicks opens]

- Hello?

Anybody home?

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

- Hello, Blovis and Bustamante.

I was wondering if I could borrow back my weed whacker.

- [chuckles] Whack.

- I got a little project I'm working on.

Oh, hey, look at that.

Y'all learning some noodling?

- Uh, sir, can you, like, go away?

- You know, it's been a long while since I've

done any catfish noodling.

You boys don't mind if I sit down here and watch a minute,

do ya?

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

- You know, I knew a fella by the name of Doug.

Now, he used to go catfish noodling,

but then sometimes, instead of putting his fist in there,

he would pull his shorts down.

And he'd put his pecker in there.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, exactly.

That's what I was gonna say.

I just, like, couldn't, you know, find the right words,

you know?

- Then one day, a catfish bit his pecker off,

and he bled to death right there in the river.

- [chuckles]

- Um, did Doug say what it felt like before he bled to death?

- What's that?

Well, anyway, and that's why they say the worst day fishing

is better than the best day working.

- Yeah, yeah, really.

Amen to that.

- Yep.

[sighs] You got some golf on here or something?

[both chuckling]

- He's coming! He's coming!

What has he got?

[seagulls squawking]

- We sure have a lot of chickens, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

- Yep.

That's how we're gonna get us some of that sweet egg money.

[chuckles]

- You know, now that I'm used to them, they're pretty cool.

I gave 'em all names and stuff.

[chuckles]

- Really?

What's that one's name?

[chuckles]

- Well, all the ones in this room are named Joe.

[chuckles]

- These chickens aren't our friends, Beavis.

They're like our employees.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Have they laid any eggs yet?

- Uh, I don't see any.

- You know, Butt-Head, it's OK with me if the chickens

don't make us rich right away.

Even if it takes, like, an hour or something,

you know, just having them here gives

me a real peaceful feeling.

[seagulls squawking]

[exhales] So peaceful.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Well, if this is gonna take an hour for us to get rich,

we got 99 more minutes to kill.

[chuckles]

- I'm just gonna, like, go to the bathroom.

[seagulls squawking]

Whoa.

A lot of chickens in here.

Hey, how's it going? [chuckles]

Hope you chickens don't mind if I choke my chicken.

[chuckles]

If you know what I'm saying, you know?

[zipper unzips]

Whoa.

Still got bird seed on my nads.

[seagulls squawking]

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Chickens, no! Ahh!

- Chickens are cool. [chuckles]

- Ahh!

- OK, listen up, you dumbass chickens.

I told you to lay eggs, and you didn't do it.

[chuckles]

- And also, you pecked my schlong.

- If you're gonna live under my roof,

it's got to be by my rules.

And that means lay some damn eggs.

- And my schlong is important to me.

[chuckles]

- When I was your age, I had a job.

And what do you do all day?

You just sit there.

I don't know why I stick around.

- Yeah, yeah, and I've got peck marks on my schlong,

and they hurt. [chuckles]

- All right, chickens, it's time to hit the damn highway.

Get out of here.

[seagulls squawking]

Uh, OK, Beavis, these chickens have pushed us, like, too far

or something. [chuckles]

We're gonna turn those chickens into nuggets.

- About damn time.

[chuckles]

- Do we have, like, a fryer here somewhere?

- Let's see.

Not in here.

- Whoa, Beavis, check it out.

[chuckles]

The chickens did lay some eggs.

- And they laid half a bottle of orange juice, too.

[chuckles]

- Beavis, we misjudged these chickens.

[chuckles]

- We sure did.

- Uh, chickens, we owe you, like, an apology or something.

[chuckles]

- That's right.

You guys really stepped up.

I'm sorry I was so mad about my schlong.

Um, you know, we were just messing around.

[chuckles]

- Come on, Beavis, let's go sell these eggs.

[chuckles]

But first, let's throw 'em at a house.

[chuckles]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.

[chiming noises]