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1
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,778
Are you sitting quite comfortably?
2
00:00:31,406 --> 00:00:33,073
Then I'll begin.
3
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:40,664
And the Home Service will be
on the air at 6:45,
4
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,416
with a market report for farmers.
5
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:46,128
No, no, I'm the treasurer
of the Picnic Committee.
6
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:47,880
The treasurer?
7
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:51,550
Answers, please. Not to me, but
to our producer.
8
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,594
Cheerio! See you next week!
9
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:10,110
-Good night, Dad.
-Good night, James. Straight to bed.
10
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,323
-Good night, Mum.
-Good night, James. Sleep tight!
11
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,660
Off with the lights now, please.
12
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,187
It's 9:00 at night
and the dull dudes on the planet
13
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,272
are sitting in their slippers
sipping their sherries,
14
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,316
but the people who love to rock and to roll
15
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,777
are ready to ride
the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more.
16
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,530
You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm
the Count, and I'm counting on you,
17
00:01:54,614 --> 00:02:01,036
as we count down to ecstasy
and rock all day and all of the night.
18
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:33,587
-How much longer?
-No time at all. There she is.
19
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,380
Where she is?
20
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,049
There she is.
21
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,894
-I'm here to see Quentin.
-Come, come.
22
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:00,864
Enter.
23
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:05,702
-Carl?
-Yes.
24
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,621
My favorite godson.
25
00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:11,458
-Have we met before?
-I don't think so.
26
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,962
No. There was a lost decade,
so I always have to check.
27
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:17,297
-How's your mum?
-She's fine.
28
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:20,801
Not over-fond of me at the moment.
29
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:23,887
She's a very attractive woman.
30
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,181
-Well, I. . .
-No, seriously.
31
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:30,060
I mean, to you, she's your mum,
but to people of my age,
32
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,521
she's a sexual legend.
33
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,731
So. . .
34
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:37,818
Expelled?
35
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,404
-That's right.
-What for?
36
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:44,574
I suppose smoking was the clincher.
37
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,576
Drugs or cigarettes?
38
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,287
Well, both.
39
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,164
Well done.
40
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,417
Proud of you.
41
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:58,630
So your mum sent you here in the hope that
a little bracing sea air would sort you out?
42
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,675
-Something like that.
-Spectacular mistake.
43
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:07,681
But, if you don't drown, we can at least help
you to give up smoking and drug-taking.
44
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:10,851
I just have and I feel so much better for it.
45
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,936
Cigarette?
46
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,398
No, thank you.
47
00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:18,608
Spliff?
48
00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:26,825
Excuse me, everyone.
Could I introduce Carl, my godson?
49
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:30,412
Welcome aboard. I'm the Count.
I must be obeyed.
50
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,080
It's an honor.
51
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,915
Hi, Carl.
52
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,210
Don't miss Simple Simon's
Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.
53
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,546
That's why I just said that.
54
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,507
Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.
55
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,761
Hello there.
I'm John, News and Information Gathering.
56
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,304
Hi, I'm Felicity.
57
00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:49,473
-I didn't think girls were. . .
-I'm a lesbian.
58
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:50,932
Who cooks.
59
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,476
-Of course.
-Have a piece of toast.
60
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,811
-Could I have a Mars?
-Don't touch those, I've just arranged them.
61
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,272
Do you. . . Do you know what a lesbian is?
62
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,232
-I do.
-Fun times, eh?
63
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,859
Anyone, toast, toast?
64
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,611
I'm Thick Kevin.
65
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:05,989
-Your delightful roommate.
-Great. I'm Carl.
66
00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,950
-Cool name.
-Why Thick Kevin?
67
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:12,537
-I don't. . .
-It's 'cause he's really, really thick.
68
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,873
This is, of course, Dave.
69
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,500
Wow .
70
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,960
Big, but very beautiful.
71
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,672
Welcome to the Boat of Love.
72
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:26,802
You know, if God were a DJ,
he'd be on this station.
73
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:31,431
Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence.
74
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:41,566
And that was the sound of someone
who missed last Sunday's chart show.
75
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,527
Don't go mad and shoot yourself in the head.
76
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,654
Listen to Simple Simon's show. . .
77
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,364
Why am I queuing up my own records?
78
00:06:47,448 --> 00:06:49,991
While I was swimming,
I passed by a squirrel.
79
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,701
I just broke the knob off the record player.
80
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:54,621
Let's do it right now. I'm busting for a wee.
81
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:55,914
A small knob. I like it.
82
00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:58,500
I said, "Mr. Squirrel,
why are you swimming on your back?"
83
00:06:58,584 --> 00:06:59,918
Voila!
84
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,838
"Well, I swim on my back
to keep my nuts dry."
85
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,382
I'm on fire! All right, I'm out.
86
00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:07,092
You're probably still at school,
it's 20 to 3:00.
87
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:10,804
Or you might be bunking off,
in which case, good on you.
88
00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:12,305
-Carl?
-Yes.
89
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,100
-How you doing?
-Quite good, thank you.
90
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:16,768
-Are you nervous?
-A little bit.
91
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,980
-Come over here. Yeah, come over here.
-There?
92
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,815
Come on.
93
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:24,192
Welcome. Turn around.
94
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:26,570
Now get the fuck out.
95
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:33,201
Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun
starts here. We're ready. . .
96
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,329
-We're ready. Gather 'round.
-Steam, steam, steam, steam.
97
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:41,501
Okay, so the teams are Dave and the Count
98
00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:45,589
versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin.
99
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,132
Okay?
100
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,469
Don't worry, it's not because
I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin,
101
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,429
it's just a nickname.
102
00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:56,224
That's right. So, who wants to go first?
103
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:57,684
-Wanna guess?
-I'll guess, fine.
104
00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,853
All right, who's going? Big Bad Dave.
105
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:02,856
No looking.
30 seconds starting from now!
106
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,358
Easy. Your president.
107
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:06,610
-What?
-Your president.
108
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,570
-Lyndon Johnson.
-Yes!
109
00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:11,907
-He wrote Oliver Twist.
-Charles Dickens.
110
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,492
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
111
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,869
Lovely. Lead singer of The Rolling Stones.
112
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:17,704
-Mick Jagger.
-Yes.
113
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:22,042
-Is a spy, 007 , yes!
-Bond, James Bond !
114
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,252
And the actor who plays.
115
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,087
"Hello, I'm James Bond."
116
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,507
-The actor who plays 007 . . . Yes!
-Sean Connery.
117
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,842
-Quickly, quickly. Time, time, time.
-Hello, I'm a Beatle.
118
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,802
-I'm one of the Beatles.
-Time, time, time, no, no, no, no.
119
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,013
-That one doesn't count.
-That was gonna be good.
120
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:37,641
-That's 6 to 0 .
-I feel good about this one.
121
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:40,143
-Forget it now.
-Well, all right.
122
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,728
Ready to rock.
123
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,231
Okay, the thing about Kev
is you gotta think outside the box.
124
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,565
-Think outside the box.
-He's ready to rock.
125
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,193
-Forget about the box.
-Thirty seconds from now!
126
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,028
Go! You can do it.
127
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:57,702
It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.
128
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:58,870
Fucking genius. He's just nervous.
129
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,080
Not so much a hat.
130
00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:04,834
Something that's at the top of a coat
and attached to the coat
131
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,837
and covers the head, but is not a hat.
132
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,340
-A hood?
-Yes, and now first name, type of bird.
133
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:13,009
-It's a something hood.
-Robin Hood !
134
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,848
Why didn't you just say he lived in
Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?
135
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,934
Yeah? What? Who are you talking about?
136
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,435
Robin Hood.
137
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:25,063
-I didn't know that.
-Counting down.
138
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,524
Right, hang on, no. Tricky one.
139
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,818
It's like he's having a stroke.
140
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,236
Nice guy.
141
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,447
-Nice guy?
-Yes, very nice guy.
142
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,866
-Really nice guy.
-Is that it?
143
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:40,870
No. Has lots of friends. Has long hair.
144
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:41,997
Ah !
145
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:45,458
-Jimi Hendrix?
-No, much older.
146
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:48,753
-No shoes.
-I know this.
147
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:53,341
Nice guy, has long hair,
doesn't have any shoes.
148
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:54,551
Think about it.
149
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,803
-Must be. . .
-It's like watching a baby drown.
150
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,388
Wore a dress.
151
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,307
-Dress?
-Wore a dress!
152
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,017
This had better not be Jesus.
153
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,893
-Yes, Jesus!
-Obviously!
154
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,270
Rock on !
155
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:08,273
Why didn't you say he was the Son of God?
156
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:09,899
Was he?
157
00:10:12,653 --> 00:10:15,614
Now, there is one final matter to discuss.
158
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,200
-Pirate radio.
-Goodness.
159
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:23,330
-In whose department does this fall?
-That would be me, Prime Minister.
160
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,583
What's the plan, Sir Alistair?
They're very popular.
161
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,252
And they're not actually
breaking any law that we know of.
162
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:32,422
We're going to shut them down
within the year.
163
00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:37,344
They are a sewer of dirty
and irresponsible commercialism
164
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,471
and low morals.
165
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,306
Indeed.
166
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:45,602
-Very well. I leave it in your capable hands.
-Thank you very much, Prime Minister.
167
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,228
Thank you all.
168
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:59,032
Full news again in one hour with me,
John Mayford. Till then, this man.
169
00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:00,158
This was the deal.
170
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:03,536
I asked all of you to demand of me
to do a very foolish thing,
171
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,457
and you sent in ideas in their millions.
172
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,126
But one idea has defeated them all,
173
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:14,422
so I'm proud to announce I will soon be
the first person to say the "F" word
174
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,510
on rock 'n' roll radio
in the United Kingdom of Great Britain.
175
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:22,847
But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain.
176
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,392
But also, perhaps, to educate a little.
177
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:29,187
Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies.
When you drop a bomb, many die.
178
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:31,231
If you hit a woman, love dies.
179
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:35,151
But if you say the "F" word,
nothing actually happens.
180
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:39,781
So here it comes.
Especially for you, the "F" word.
181
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:48,415
First, though, this very fine piece of music.
182
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,001
-You can't do this.
-Why not? It's just a word !
183
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,712
Charming thought,
but here's the simple situation.
184
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,589
The authorities already dislike us.
If you do this they will hate us,
185
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,883
and by hook or by crook,
they'll find a way to close us down.
186
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,594
They can't close us down. We're pirates.
That's why we're sitting out here
187
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,804
in the middle of the freaking ocean.
188
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:07,392
Believe me, they will find a way.
Governments loathe people being free.
189
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:09,853
Okay.
190
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,316
Okay, I'm thinking about it.
191
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:25,160
My dear comrades, I have some sad news.
192
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:28,413
The powers that be have decreed
that the "F" word is a word too far.
193
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:32,625
But at least for now, even though our
dreams of freedom have died a tragic death,
194
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,086
the Hollies are still alive.
195
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:37,964
Thank you.
196
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:41,050
I don't know why you did that.
I was just gonna say "fuck" once.
197
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,510
You know, one tiny little "fuck."
198
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,429
There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."
199
00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:46,723
Yeah there is.
You should ask Angus' girlfriend.
200
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,227
Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small
it won't fuck us up.
201
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,147
One day, in a world of dreams,
you'll be able to say "wank"
202
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:58,318
or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio.
But "fuck," never.
203
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,403
-Excuse me, my Lordship.
-Yes, Harold?
204
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,239
You've left your mike up
in the studio.
205
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,370
So I have.
206
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,084
I do apologize to everyone out there
207
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:22,884
for the four. . .
Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?
208
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,720
The Hollies will continue undisturbed.
209
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,974
I'm so sorry about that, Quentin,
but you know,
210
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,936
I thought you sounded good.
You have a lovely voice for radio.
211
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,354
Fuck off.
212
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,190
That makes it six, Quentin.
213
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:40,610
It couldn't have turned out better,
in my opinion.
214
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:47,325
Right. Good morning, good morning, good
morning, good morning. Please sit down.
215
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,788
Pirate radio stations.
Good, good, good, good, good.
216
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,542
Now, I have told the Prime Minister that
we will shut them down within 1 2 months.
217
00:13:55,626 --> 00:14:00,713
As you will see, sir, they're not in fact
outside of the law at the moment, sir.
218
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,884
Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr. . .
219
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,427
-Fredericks.
-Fredericks.
220
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,137
You see, that's the whole point
of being the government.
221
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:13,142
If you don't like something, you simply
make up a new law that makes it illegal.
222
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,229
-Speaking of which, Mr. . .
-Fredericks.
223
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:17,397
-Fredericks.
-Yes, sir?
224
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:22,694
I think we might also start working on
legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.
225
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:27,323
-You don't like it, sir?
-No one likes it. Apart from blind people.
226
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,285
And I'm sure even they can sense
its profound ugliness as it passes by.
227
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:31,744
I'll give you a day to deal with the hair,
228
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:34,330
and a fortnight to deal with the pirates.
Goodbye.
229
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:37,417
Miss C , as I suspected, totally useless!
230
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:40,003
-Send me that clever new chap!
-Certainly, sir!
231
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:43,339
I have a job for him.
We have some damage to do.
232
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,051
Good morning, everybody. You're listening
to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show
233
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,762
on 203 meters in the medium waveband.
234
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:54,767
You're one of 23 million people
listening to the Boat of Love this morning.
235
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,228
Looking forward to Saturday?
236
00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,607
-What's Saturday?
-Saturday! Sensational Saturday!
237
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:05,486
As you may have noticed, there are,
unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,
238
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,989
-apart from Felicity. . .
-Hiya!
239
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,408
. . .who is of the lesbionic tendency.
240
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:15,455
But every second Saturday, each DJ
is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.
241
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,461
So, any idea who'll you'll invite?
242
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,047
God.
243
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:28,343
Presumably there's a sort of presumption
that there'll be. . .
244
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,845
-Sex, of some sort.
-Every time.
245
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,805
-Yeah.
-Then no.
246
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,850
I've spent my life at all-boys' schools.
247
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,645
The closest I've ever come to a snog
248
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,231
is when I was once licked on the face
by a horse.
249
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:45,360
-Sounds good, actually.
-A horse?
250
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:48,821
I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son.
I would seriously like to help.
251
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,365
I will put my mind to it.
252
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,951
-Miss Peacock.
-How are you lined up, eh?
253
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:58,456
-Well, her name is Daphne.
-And she likes the bearded man.
254
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,750
-She does, indeed.
-With a tiny knob.
255
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,168
Whatever.
256
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:05,088
I've got a tiny knob, actually.
257
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,674
But I rather like it.
258
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:11,052
It means I can wear smaller underpants.
259
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,642
Don't know what that means.
I didn't understand any of that.
260
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:19,143
What about other. . .
261
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:23,189
Who's that guy up there?
I haven't met him yet.
262
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,733
That is Mark.
263
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:29,737
He's the sexiest man on the planet.
Hardly ever speaks.
264
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:33,408
Not even when he's broadcasting,
which is interesting.
265
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,577
So that's Midnight Mark.
266
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:55,972
Thanks.
267
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,647
Wow .
268
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,151
Now. . .
269
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,204
-You not got anyone?
-No. No, not today.
270
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:23,666
I guess I'm really. . .
I'm looking for that "one true love" thing.
271
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,711
-Really?
-Yeah. Yeah. Big time.
272
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,590
-You dig the dream?
-I dig the dream.
273
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,675
Yeah, it's a good dream.
274
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,136
-Here they come.
-Here they come.
275
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,804
There they are!
276
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,139
Wow .
277
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:41,976
Wowzer.
278
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,195
Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey.
279
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,701
I wanna sleep with them all !
280
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,999
-Hi.
-Welcome aboard !
281
00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:11,506
Do a twirl !
282
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,680
I need a big drink.
283
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,682
I agree. Let's leave.
284
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,468
Right, hurry, up the steps.
285
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:03,266
Do you mind if I call you guys by the same
name? Twins can be very confusing.
286
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,566
This is actually a very interesting book.
287
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,484
-Is it?
-Yes, it's. . .
288
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,028
My father used to collect woodpeckers.
289
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,905
-Really?
-Yeah ! No.
290
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,742
No, my father was an architect.
How about you? What did your father do?
291
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:26,247
Well, he had sex with my mum and then
left without leaving his name or address.
292
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,999
-No.
-Yeah.
293
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,084
-No!
-It's cool.
294
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,129
I. . . You don't miss what you've never had.
295
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:40,595
Nothing planned, you guys?
296
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:42,471
-No, no.
-Well, yes.
297
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:46,767
Another very quiet afternoon
for me and my sex life.
298
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,439
The sad room.
299
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,777
Come here.
300
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,447
I've come to get you
out of your predicament.
301
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,615
What predicament?
302
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:04,660
The whole sad act. No girl,
unused pencil-sized penis predicament.
303
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,788
That predicament.
304
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,832
Walk this way.
305
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:14,295
Don't walk that way.
306
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:17,798
-No. Walk woodpecker way.
-Well, I'm just gonna. . .
307
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,805
Okay. Okay, it might work.
308
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,058
But one, it's morally wrong.
309
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,143
-Well, I mean, is it?
-Yes.
310
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,356
And two, it might not work. In which case
I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world.
311
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,192
All this is true. But on the other hand,
312
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,861
it could be the best five minutes of your life.
313
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:44,659
You hear that? That's destiny knocking.
314
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:46,452
Get in there.
315
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:48,663
Sorry, girls. Sorry, Mum.
316
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,835
Yeah. The Doctor is hungry.
317
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,380
Come on in, baby.
318
00:20:57,881 --> 00:20:59,840
-What's this?
-Alcohol.
319
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:04,929
-You're trying to get me drunk, are you?
-Of course I am.
320
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:08,432
How you been? Yeah, you're all right.
321
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,229
I need to pull the pin on the love grenade.
322
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:14,689
Please do.
323
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:19,026
Boom.
324
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,864
I think. . .
325
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,659
I think we should turn the lights off.
326
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:30,162
Do we have to?
I like to see you when I'm with you.
327
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:35,167
I can't make love in electric light,
it's unnatural.
328
00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:38,087
Trust me, though, yeah? I'm a doctor.
329
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,552
Okay . Un, deux, trois.
330
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,388
Let's do this, yeah?
331
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,265
Come on. Keep your boots on.
332
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,100
Keeping the boots on.
333
00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:55,479
There we go. Although, not quite good enough.
334
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,233
There. Pitch black.
335
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:00,776
Hey!
336
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,449
-You are a very complex man.
-Thank you.
337
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,205
Will you. . .
Will you just excuse me for a second?
338
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,749
Where are you going?
339
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,917
I think we should take
some precautionary measures.
340
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,295
Don't worry, I'm on the pill.
341
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,464
I still think I'd like to freshen up,
though.
342
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:24,759
-Okay. Hurry back.
-I will.
343
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,056
What the hell are you doing?
344
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:31,891
I just thought it'd be nice
if I brush my teeth first,
345
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,268
but I didn't have my toothbrush,
so what I did was I borrowed. . .
346
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,938
No, I mean, what the hell are you doing
still dressed?
347
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,150
-Yes, do you think I should get undressed?
-Yeah.
348
00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:44,445
I can't walk out of there stark-bollock naked
and walk back in fully clothed, can l?
349
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:45,905
Fine, okay, fine.
350
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:47,323
-Think smart.
-Right.
351
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,700
-You sure it's dark enough out there?
-Yes, it's pitch black.
352
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:52,119
The pope could walk in and poke her,
she would never know.
353
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:54,497
-I just wish I was a bit bigger.
-Why?
354
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,915
'Cause you're beety, you know?
355
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,876
-Can I come in? I need to wee.
-Yeah, hang on, hang on !
356
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,294
One second.
357
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:04,965
In here! Down there. Hurry! Just. . . Hurry up!
358
00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:10,471
Come in.
359
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:12,973
What are you doing in here?
360
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:16,602
-Private man things.
-I could hear voices.
361
00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:19,814
Disc jockeys are always practicing
our patter.
362
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:21,565
Gosh, you're quite chunky, aren't you?
363
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,818
Am l? I mean, yeah !
364
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:27,988
Yeah, I suppose I am.
The girls seem to like it.
365
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:33,702
That's what I like about you.
You're a nice clean bird.
366
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,704
That's what you think.
367
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:36,872
No!
368
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,836
No way. Don't. . . Don't do that.
369
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,422
Don't dry your hands, l. . .
370
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,382
I love a girl with. . .
371
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,176
Wet hands.
372
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,762
You are strange.
373
00:23:53,974 --> 00:23:57,184
Do you want to get down to it, then?
374
00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:59,770
Just give me a second, will you?
375
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:04,650
I dunno if you can see, but I've got a bit
of nougat lodged in a molar at the back.
376
00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:07,987
-Well, hurry up, lover boy.
-I will, lover girl.
377
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,577
Casanova.
378
00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:18,372
But what about the size thing?
She said you were chunky.
379
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:23,544
Relax. Just find the right position
and it will all be over before she realizes.
380
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,713
-Just be quick.
-I think you can be pretty sure
381
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:27,590
I'm gonna be quick.
382
00:24:28,425 --> 00:24:31,677
I could see a lot of myself in you.
Come here.
383
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:35,890
It's a very special time.
384
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:37,725
Trousers.
385
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:41,729
I can do this. I just don't know where. . .
386
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:45,566
Hey, look at me. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.
387
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:48,652
-I'm not a virgin.
-Okay.
388
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,280
-I'm having second thoughts.
-Carl.
389
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:54,950
This is your destiny.
390
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:57,786
Hello, big boy.
391
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:03,250
No, wrong room ! Sorry.
392
00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:12,134
Come in.
393
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:15,095
-Sir?
-Yes.
394
00:25:16,389 --> 00:25:19,308
-Very impressive references here.
-Thank you, sir.
395
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,143
Very unusual name.
396
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:23,729
Twatt?
397
00:25:24,147 --> 00:25:28,108
And that's with two T's?
Have you heard of pirate radio, Twatt?
398
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,987
-Like Radio Rock, sir?
-Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock.
399
00:25:32,155 --> 00:25:34,031
-Ever listened to it?
-Not often.
400
00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,784
I'm not really a pop person.
I prefer classical music.
401
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:39,620
-Well, who doesn't?
-The listeners of Radio Rock, sir?
402
00:25:39,746 --> 00:25:41,121
Precisely.
403
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,875
The drug-takers and the law breakers
and the bottom-bashing fornicators
404
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,294
of our recently great country.
405
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:52,174
Well, here's your little task.
406
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:59,306
I want Rock off the air in 1 2 months,
and I want you to be my private assassin.
407
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,061
Someone's gone!
408
00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:05,980
No, don't want it!
409
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,401
All right.
410
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:13,320
. . .but she did this wonderful thing,
411
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:17,032
where she put a tiny bit of ketchup. . .
412
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:32,339
Hi.
413
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,968
Sorry, man, but who are you?
414
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,055
Bob.
415
00:26:42,559 --> 00:26:44,018
Smooth Bob.
416
00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:46,478
Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader.
417
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:50,983
I do the early, early, early morning show.
418
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,071
You're Bob.
419
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,032
-Yeah.
-Good old Bob.
420
00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:00,492
How long have you been on the boat, Bob?
421
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:04,747
Seven months.
Every morning, 3:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.
422
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,417
Well, then how come we've never met you?
423
00:27:09,544 --> 00:27:12,713
Well, you know, I keep myself to myself.
424
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:14,590
A lot of sleep.
425
00:27:15,759 --> 00:27:17,426
Fair amount of drugs.
426
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:19,887
A total immersion in the vinyl, you know?
427
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:25,184
Gotta listen to the music if you're gonna
give the people what they need.
428
00:27:25,268 --> 00:27:28,062
In their heart and their soul. Yeah?
429
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,861
Better be getting back to the sounds, 'cause
430
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:39,782
it's a bit hectic in here.
431
00:27:45,455 --> 00:27:47,748
-So that's Bob?
-Good old Bob.
432
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:50,751
-That's Bob.
-Wry Sir Bob.
433
00:27:51,211 --> 00:27:53,253
What was his name again?
434
00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:54,630
Really?
435
00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:57,383
So, young man, how's it going?
436
00:27:57,467 --> 00:28:01,136
Well, sir, I think I may have had
a little breakthrough.
437
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,640
The pirate stations only exist
because they sell advertising.
438
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,517
Yes, you can listen to our pop music,
439
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:10,062
but only if you also buy
Findus Frozen Fish Fingers.
440
00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:15,651
Exactly. So what we can do immediately
is make advertising on the stations illegal
441
00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:17,653
for British companies.
442
00:28:17,821 --> 00:28:20,155
We would cut off the boats' cash
with one fell swoop.
443
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:21,615
Brilliant.
444
00:28:23,618 --> 00:28:25,327
I like you, Twatt.
445
00:28:29,290 --> 00:28:31,041
Stop blowing the whistle, man,
we were chatting.
446
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,919
I have a very important announcement.
As you may know
447
00:28:34,003 --> 00:28:39,174
there has been a serious squeeze put on our
advertisers by Her Majesty's Government.
448
00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:42,803
This chart, thank you, John,
449
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:47,307
displays what's been happening to our
advertising revenue in the last few weeks.
450
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:49,476
-Ouch.
-So, I've had to stir myself
451
00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:51,895
from my traditional languor
452
00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:56,567
and do something to make the station
more attractive to new commercial partners.
453
00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:59,778
Two years ago,
something terrible happened,
454
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:04,616
and we lost the greatest DJ
pirate radio has ever known to America,
455
00:29:04,701 --> 00:29:07,703
ambition, and alcoholic poisoning.
456
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:13,167
And then something wonderful happened
and we got, in return, from America,
457
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:16,670
a man who proved more than capable
of filling those enormous shoes.
458
00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:18,589
-Love our Count.
-I do my humble best.
459
00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:22,217
And now, my friends, I have good news.
460
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,053
-Bad news, sir.
-Very good news.
461
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:27,473
Have you ever heard of Gavin Kavanagh?
462
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:28,807
No, I have not.
463
00:29:28,892 --> 00:29:32,644
He's possibly the most famous
popular music broadcaster ever.
464
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:36,857
-Indeed, a strange and mysterious legend.
-And what about him?
465
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:40,110
-Well, sir, he's decided. . .
-To return.
466
00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:42,362
-No!
-Stop it!
467
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:45,157
Oh, my. . .
468
00:29:45,241 --> 00:29:51,205
Three weeks today, Gavin Kavanagh
returns to rock on Radio Rock.
469
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:02,800
So?
470
00:30:02,884 --> 00:30:06,887
So, it is more important than ever
to actually close the stations down.
471
00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:11,767
Otherwise the advertisers will simply
flock back and pay their bills from abroad.
472
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:14,436
Well, what are we going to do, then?
473
00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:17,356
We go, sir, for the jugular.
474
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:25,072
And this next song is dedicated to
the coolest man in the whole of the world,
475
00:30:25,198 --> 00:30:27,825
and he's about to step onto this boat.
476
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:32,538
It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh,
and this week he's definitely number one!
477
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:06,697
Quentin.
478
00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:15,455
Like the beard.
479
00:31:15,582 --> 00:31:17,708
And you must be the Count.
480
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:20,460
I am he.
481
00:31:23,631 --> 00:31:26,425
I wonder what that makes me, the king?
482
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,637
-Or the clown?
-Nice to meet you, sweetheart.
483
00:31:30,763 --> 00:31:32,723
-All right, and you are?
-Felicity.
484
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:35,142
-Rules changed?
-I'm a lesbian.
485
00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:38,979
-Groovy! Always or mostly?
-Absolutely always.
486
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,065
-So you say.
-No! Stop that.
487
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:46,403
Now, take me to my microphone.
I need to broadcast.
488
00:31:47,822 --> 00:31:49,156
Let's go!
489
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,421
Are you doing something dirty?
490
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:10,636
Are you doing something
your parents don't know about?
491
00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:13,513
Are you breaking the law?
492
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,770
Are you breaking the rules?
493
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:23,523
Open your knees and feel the breeze,
494
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,694
because Gavin's back to stay.
495
00:32:30,198 --> 00:32:32,616
Now it's just you and me,
496
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:35,661
and I'm looking right up your skirt.
497
00:32:40,875 --> 00:32:42,709
That feels so good.
498
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,545
That feels wonderful !
499
00:32:45,838 --> 00:32:47,047
Listen to this.
500
00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:49,549
This will make you moist.
501
00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:57,641
Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn.
502
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:04,398
Buddy Holly.
503
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,567
This is Gavin, tweaking the nation's nipples!
504
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,742
So, join me tomorrow,
505
00:33:15,868 --> 00:33:20,080
when I'll be playing definitive rock 'n' roll
here on Radio Rock.
506
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:21,832
Think of me when you come.
507
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,251
And now it's over to Jolly John.
508
00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:28,588
For some more murders,
rapes and abductions, it's the news.
509
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:34,428
The news at midday.
510
00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:37,681
In London. . .
511
00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:42,936
-Twatt, Miss C . How is the jugular going?
-Slowly, sir.
512
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:45,272
Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr. Kavanagh
has been followed
513
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,691
by the finding of a rash of new stations,
for God's sake.
514
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:49,693
-Yes, sir.
-Sort it out in a fortnight.
515
00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:52,446
Find me a loophole in the law
so that I can make them all illegal
516
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:53,780
or you are both fired.
517
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:57,034
And when I say fired, I do not only mean
that you will lose your jobs.
518
00:33:57,118 --> 00:33:59,870
I mean that you will never work again.
519
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:02,622
You disastrous, pathetic
520
00:34:06,085 --> 00:34:07,627
ugly nobodies.
521
00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:13,050
Jugular, my arse!
522
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,807
How about a little bit more Seekers?
523
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:27,981
Harold, I've just put another one straight on.
Double Seekers! Two!
524
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:32,652
You wanted to see me?
525
00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:34,237
Yes, Carl !
526
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:37,908
Your birthday is coming
and I haven't got you a present yet.
527
00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:40,577
It's difficult.
What do you give the man who has nothing?
528
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:41,828
Yeah, it's tricky.
529
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:45,665
So, after deep thought,
what I've decided is to give you
530
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,502
a nice time.
531
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:53,465
Tomorrow evening,
I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner.
532
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:59,429
She is the sweetest and prettiest girl
in the world.
533
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,980
It's Midnight Mark here.
534
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:11,858
Hi.
535
00:35:13,986 --> 00:35:15,195
Hello?
536
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,863
Midnight Mark.
537
00:35:16,989 --> 00:35:18,782
Carl. Good evening.
538
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:22,285
This is Marianne.
539
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:35,173
Hi.
540
00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:38,009
You already said that.
541
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:39,886
Yeah.
542
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:46,476
Could you excuse me for one second?
543
00:35:52,567 --> 00:35:55,068
-Dave. Hi.
-Hi.
544
00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:59,072
Could I borrow a. . .
545
00:36:02,910 --> 00:36:04,244
A condom?
546
00:36:04,704 --> 00:36:05,871
Sure.
547
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,832
Well, well, well, Young Carl.
548
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:13,670
Do you know how it works?
549
00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:16,923
Of course I bloody know how it works.
550
00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:20,677
Carl.
551
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:37,736
They made me steer the thing myself. Alone.
552
00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:39,946
-And you did?
-Yeah. I must be
553
00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:42,365
-the most inexperienced person. . .
-Is Quentin around?
554
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:44,201
No, actually, you just missed him.
555
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:47,370
Oh, my God. A woman.
556
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:52,292
And not just a woman.
557
00:36:52,418 --> 00:36:57,756
The most beautiful and succulent woman
in the history of mankind.
558
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:01,468
Dave, this is Marianne.
559
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:04,471
Dave, hello! I'm a real fan !
560
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:07,140
Who isn't?
561
00:37:07,683 --> 00:37:13,063
Well, it's lovely to meet you,
Miraculous Marianne.
562
00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:17,567
Parlez-vous francais?
563
00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:20,070
-No.
-No, me neither.
564
00:37:20,947 --> 00:37:22,948
-I can see why you wanted that condom.
-What?
565
00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:25,075
Well, well, night-night.
566
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:28,370
What did he just say?
567
00:37:29,705 --> 00:37:32,123
-"Night-night"?
-No, before that.
568
00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:36,211
I didn't quite catch it.
569
00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:39,631
Did he say, "l can see
why you wanted the condom"?
570
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:44,010
I did not hear him say that.
571
00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:45,929
I did.
572
00:37:46,013 --> 00:37:48,139
And the only conclusion
I can draw from that
573
00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:52,852
is that you thought I was going to be
so easy that you borrowed a condom.
574
00:37:54,522 --> 00:37:55,689
No.
575
00:37:55,773 --> 00:37:58,733
Then what other conclusion
can I then draw?
576
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:04,489
Okay.
577
00:38:07,034 --> 00:38:09,244
It's true. And I'm sorry.
578
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:14,040
It's just that the first moment I saw you,
579
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:17,794
I fell in love with you, instantly,
580
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:23,049
and I thought that, if I got luckier
than any man has ever got,
581
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:26,720
it would be a tragedy if I didn't have. . .
582
00:38:29,557 --> 00:38:30,932
A condom.
583
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:35,812
I can see how that was just sick
and very wrong,
584
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:39,733
and so I'm gonna take the condom
out of my pocket
585
00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:44,487
and I'm throwing the condom
into the North Sea.
586
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:47,157
You see, I already adore you.
587
00:38:47,616 --> 00:38:51,036
I hope one day we'll get married
and have children.
588
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:54,414
Thank you.
589
00:39:01,839 --> 00:39:03,214
Come here.
590
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:32,035
I think we're going to need that condom.
591
00:39:33,329 --> 00:39:38,875
Dave, you don't have another condom?
592
00:39:39,168 --> 00:39:43,338
Sorry, mate, it was my last.
What happened to the one I gave you?
593
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:45,590
Long story.
594
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,258
Try Gavin.
595
00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:49,344
Thank you.
596
00:39:49,595 --> 00:39:54,099
Okay. Just one minute. This is my room.
You should stay here, and I'll be back,
597
00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:57,394
-and Kevin, I can see you.
-All right.
598
00:40:05,111 --> 00:40:07,112
-Evening.
-Good evening.
599
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,949
You don't have any. . .
600
00:40:11,117 --> 00:40:12,867
No, probably not.
601
00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:15,245
Carry on.
602
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:21,876
-Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it.
-Don't mention it, youngster.
603
00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:26,381
Remember, be gentle, but be firm.
Very firm, indeed.
604
00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:32,595
And when you're done with it, run it
under the tap, rinse it out, use it again.
605
00:40:37,351 --> 00:40:38,852
Where is she?
606
00:40:43,858 --> 00:40:45,191
Marianne?
607
00:40:46,318 --> 00:40:47,652
Baby.
608
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:54,159
Oh, no.
609
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,077
Oh, no!
610
00:40:58,998 --> 00:41:00,331
Hey, kid.
611
00:41:00,916 --> 00:41:02,709
Hey, how you doing?
612
00:41:03,461 --> 00:41:05,503
I can see you, Marianne.
613
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:14,924
Enter.
614
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,885
Sir. The two weeks are over,
615
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:22,348
and I'm afraid I haven't really been able
to find you a loophole.
616
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,351
What a shame.
617
00:43:25,644 --> 00:43:27,854
Time for you to move on, then,
like your sad little father.
618
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:30,815
But what I have done is find you a noose.
619
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:36,487
I have a report here that says that last week
the distress call of a fishing boat
620
00:43:36,572 --> 00:43:40,825
wasn't heard because its radio waveband
was blocked by Radio Rock.
621
00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:45,788
Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved
because of this rock 'n' roll pornography.
622
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:50,835
I think, sir, we have our smoking gun.
623
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:53,880
Very good, indeed.
624
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:58,635
-Did the fishermen die in the end?
-No, sir.
625
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:01,679
That's a pity.
626
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:05,850
I think I may have also discovered a way
of actually getting on the boat
627
00:44:05,934 --> 00:44:08,728
to do some more "intimate" research.
628
00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:11,856
-Well done, Twatt.
-Thank you, sir.
629
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:16,361
We have their testicles in our hands.
630
00:44:17,529 --> 00:44:19,280
And it feels good.
631
00:44:21,367 --> 00:44:23,493
It's magnificent Monday
632
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:28,206
and 200 gorgeous competition winners
are heading straight for Radio Rock.
633
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:33,044
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our Boat of Bliss.
634
00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:49,727
-Hello.
-Morning.
635
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,771
-We're not lost.
-Morning.
636
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:54,399
-Just quite a big boat. . .
-Morning.
637
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:05,159
And this is the kitchen.
638
00:45:05,994 --> 00:45:07,578
And this is the food we eat
if the weather's bad
639
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:09,580
and we can't get it fresh from shore.
640
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:11,124
Tinned food !
641
00:45:11,583 --> 00:45:14,293
-And this is our cook, Felicity.
-Hi !
642
00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,256
-She's a lesbian.
-Yes, I am.
643
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:52,749
Hello. Can I help you?
644
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:57,044
Yes, hello. Got a bit lost.
645
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,421
More than a bit.
646
00:45:58,505 --> 00:46:01,174
In order to get here,
you have to open a really quite heavy door
647
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:02,967
with the words "No Entry" on it.
648
00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:06,721
Well, I didn't see that,
so it must have been left open.
649
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:12,560
You look suspiciously square
to be a fan of this boat's output.
650
00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:15,104
-No, no, no, I'm a real fan.
-I hope so.
651
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,315
Because if word gets out
that you're here to spy on us,
652
00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:20,610
I think you may have trouble
hanging on to your testicles.
653
00:46:20,694 --> 00:46:22,570
Are you threatening me?
654
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:25,031
Do you know what, I think I am.
655
00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:29,118
Because I've got pretty good instincts
and you look like a twat to me.
656
00:46:29,203 --> 00:46:30,870
Get out of here.
657
00:46:32,664 --> 00:46:34,999
Everyone leaves in 1 5 minutes!
658
00:46:41,673 --> 00:46:45,259
Welcome back.
I hope you've all had a tremendous time.
659
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:49,472
The only slightly odd thing
is there seem to be about
660
00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:52,558
half as many of you as there were earlier.
661
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:58,147
If you give us a moment, we will sort out
this strange and mysterious situation.
662
00:47:02,945 --> 00:47:06,030
-Ladies.
-Hi, Quentin. Busy day.
663
00:47:06,114 --> 00:47:10,785
So I see.
But I rather fear now is the time to move on.
664
00:47:12,079 --> 00:47:15,164
You can all come back to my room,
if you like.
665
00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:17,917
-Girl at the back?
-No.
666
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,419
Give it up, Nutsford.
667
00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:26,759
So, what did you find out?
668
00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:29,804
The boat itself is in very bad condition.
669
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,098
Good !
670
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:36,352
Which means if they ever try to get away
or even move, they won't get far.
671
00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:39,647
Bravo, mission accomplished.
672
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:46,654
So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan?
673
00:47:48,365 --> 00:47:51,826
I think we should work
to get public opinion on our side.
674
00:47:51,952 --> 00:47:55,788
Then, January the 1 st,
we make pirate radio totally illegal
675
00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:59,208
on the grounds that they are endangering
the lives of the brave men and women
676
00:47:59,293 --> 00:48:02,295
of the nation's shipping community,
upon whom the economy
677
00:48:02,379 --> 00:48:05,548
and fish and chip shops
of the country depend.
678
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:08,676
And if they try to dety the law,
we take them out.
679
00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:10,136
Splendid.
680
00:48:11,346 --> 00:48:15,516
I think we can call it
the Marine Offenses Act.
681
00:48:15,642 --> 00:48:19,228
The Marine Offenses Act. I like it.
682
00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:23,149
And I think the Queen will like it, too.
683
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:28,654
-We have them on the ropes.
-God, I love ropes.
684
00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:32,325
You must come over to dinner sometime.
Meet the family.
685
00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:37,580
And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton.
686
00:48:37,664 --> 00:48:39,498
Yes, it's mail time.
687
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,920
Hey, guys.
688
00:48:44,004 --> 00:48:46,088
Hey, Simon, what can we do for you?
689
00:48:46,173 --> 00:48:50,051
Well, Carl, my mate,
690
00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:54,305
my best mate, I've got some news.
691
00:48:54,389 --> 00:48:57,558
I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even. . .
My words are just coming out in tune.
692
00:48:57,684 --> 00:49:00,353
I'm so happy. lf I were the Count right now,
693
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:06,734
I would definitely be using the "F" word
to describe the level of this good news.
694
00:49:06,860 --> 00:49:09,862
-Hold me! Hold me!
-For what?
695
00:49:10,864 --> 00:49:12,698
I'm getting married !
696
00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:14,742
To a woman !
697
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:19,705
-You're fucking doing fucking what?
-I'm marrying.
698
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,042
-And give her one for the Nutster!
-I won't.
699
00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,503
What's the lovely lady's name?
700
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:27,129
-Elenore.
-Elenore.
701
00:49:27,214 --> 00:49:28,339
Yeah, she's an American.
702
00:49:28,423 --> 00:49:30,549
Well, I hope you all appreciate
what this means?
703
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:34,387
From next Saturday, there will, for the first
time, be a woman living on the boat.
704
00:49:34,471 --> 00:49:36,138
No offence meant.
705
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:38,349
None taken.
I'm actually quite excited about it.
706
00:49:38,433 --> 00:49:40,893
Hands off, you lesbian. Watch out!
707
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,395
Eye on you.
708
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:45,898
But Elenore will, of course,
be totally exclusive to her lucky husband.
709
00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:47,608
Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it.
710
00:49:47,734 --> 00:49:48,776
For my eyes only.
711
00:49:48,902 --> 00:49:52,321
May I just say,
now that Quentin has departed,
712
00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:56,909
one word which I believe is the only word
in the world that now matters?
713
00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,786
And that word is. . .
714
00:50:00,288 --> 00:50:01,664
Matrimony.
715
00:50:02,457 --> 00:50:03,624
Stag !
716
00:50:03,750 --> 00:50:06,252
-Yeah !
-Yeah !
717
00:50:06,336 --> 00:50:09,839
-Stag, stag, stag !
-Stag, stag, stag !
718
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,009
Fantastic!
719
00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:16,178
It's a stag.
720
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:19,640
I thought you were having a seizure.
He's okay. He's fine.
721
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:25,146
So how long
have you guys known each other?
722
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:29,275
Two weeks.
Yeah, it's the old proverbial thunderbolt.
723
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:32,611
There I was, just minding my own business,
having a quiet drink.
724
00:50:32,696 --> 00:50:35,072
Over trots this blonde bombshell.
725
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:38,034
Before I knew it, there was quite a lot of. . .
726
00:50:38,118 --> 00:50:39,827
Yeah !
727
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,704
Lot of kissing.
728
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,875
-And then?
-No,
729
00:50:45,959 --> 00:50:48,169
I'm afraid we're both big believers
in the whole
730
00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,463
"not before the big night" thing.
731
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:53,424
-That is sick.
-It's not sick.
732
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:56,469
-Why?
-I just hope that the boat is solid.
733
00:50:58,221 --> 00:51:01,015
The sexual energy
that will be unleashed that night
734
00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:03,392
will blow a hole in her blooming side.
735
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,311
I know how you feel.
736
00:51:05,687 --> 00:51:08,731
It's gonna be like Niagara Falls
under my sheets.
737
00:51:08,815 --> 00:51:10,483
-Yeah, my sheets, too.
-What?
738
00:51:10,567 --> 00:51:13,069
-Where are we going, Count?
-We are going
739
00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:15,237
exactly where we should be going.
740
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:25,539
Pub!
741
00:51:29,336 --> 00:51:30,503
Club!
742
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:57,696
No, no, no, no!
743
00:51:57,781 --> 00:52:01,200
Stop, stop, stop. Don't do it.
Stop, stop, stop
744
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:05,246
I love you.
745
00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:36,735
I'm getting married !
746
00:52:44,077 --> 00:52:47,955
I think I might have had
a bit too much to drink last night.
747
00:52:48,373 --> 00:52:50,749
-What about you?
-No, I'm in good shape.
748
00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:54,211
In fact, I find alcohol
rather sharpens my mind.
749
00:52:54,963 --> 00:52:56,881
-Really?
-Yes.
750
00:52:57,048 --> 00:52:59,466
-And I've been thinking.
-Dangerous.
751
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:05,306
It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here
to get on the straight and narrow,
752
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:09,602
when this is obviously the worst
possible place in the world to do that.
753
00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,354
There's sex and drugs and alcohol.
754
00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:17,234
-Without the sex.
-My theory is that you're here
755
00:53:17,319 --> 00:53:22,781
because it's exactly the right time
for a young man like you
756
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:26,118
to get to know his dad.
757
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:34,168
And?
758
00:53:35,462 --> 00:53:39,256
I therefore think that your dad
is on this boat.
759
00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:43,302
And since he's definitely not me,
760
00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:47,973
I think he's probably Quentin.
761
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:53,270
Sometimes, just sometimes,
762
00:53:54,689 --> 00:53:57,608
I think I should be called Clever Kevin.
763
00:53:57,943 --> 00:53:59,985
What do you say to that?
764
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:06,325
And top news of the day.
At 2:45 precisely this afternoon,
765
00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:09,203
Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts,
766
00:54:09,329 --> 00:54:12,289
marries the prettiest girl who ever lived.
767
00:54:12,457 --> 00:54:14,959
I just want you to know,
I want to assure listeners
768
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,419
that this doesn't mean
that I have any less love for you.
769
00:54:17,504 --> 00:54:22,383
I'll still be here every morning.
The only difference will be, I'll be happy.
770
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:40,651
Oh, my God. Here she comes.
771
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,740
-Big day.
-Big day!
772
00:54:52,414 --> 00:54:54,164
I shouldn't look.
773
00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:37,249
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
in the sight of God, apparently,
774
00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:39,418
which is scary,
775
00:55:39,794 --> 00:55:42,880
to witness the wedding of this man and this
776
00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:46,633
total goddess.
777
00:55:50,430 --> 00:55:53,640
Jesus Christ alone
knows why she's marrying him.
778
00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:56,560
-Good one.
-But love is,
779
00:55:56,644 --> 00:56:00,147
as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed,
strange.
780
00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:06,278
And the bride is blushing now
as the groom is gazing into her eyes.
781
00:56:06,571 --> 00:56:09,656
You can almost see Cupid
fluttering his wings above their heads.
782
00:56:13,286 --> 00:56:15,287
No, that was a seagull.
783
00:56:16,164 --> 00:56:17,956
Shut up, Nutsford.
784
00:56:18,666 --> 00:56:21,168
Best man, have you got the rings?
785
00:56:21,419 --> 00:56:22,628
I have.
786
00:56:23,296 --> 00:56:24,797
Thanks, mate.
787
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:28,967
There you are.
788
00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,179
How lovely.
789
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:38,352
I now declare you man and stunning wife.
790
00:56:43,149 --> 00:56:44,191
So sweet.
791
00:56:54,869 --> 00:56:57,663
You may now kiss the bride, poor girl.
792
00:56:59,457 --> 00:57:01,500
Yes, the full sweep over.
793
00:57:06,339 --> 00:57:08,507
No, take it. God.
794
00:57:10,218 --> 00:57:11,677
You have it.
795
00:57:43,168 --> 00:57:44,793
Where's those bridesmaids?
796
00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:48,881
It's Nutty Nutsford here,
the morning after the night before.
797
00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:53,343
-Hey.
-Hey!
798
00:57:54,637 --> 00:57:56,346
So how did it go?
799
00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,223
It. . .
800
00:58:00,977 --> 00:58:04,146
I think it will get better. You know, it was. . .
801
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,064
She was tired.
802
00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:11,195
I was a little overexcited, it was. . .
If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks.
803
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:16,366
But we don't need to blow it all
on one night, do we? Do we?
804
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:20,746
No. We've all the time in the world.
Round two.
805
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,915
-Good luck.
-Thanks.
806
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:26,585
-Hey!
-Hey, babe.
807
00:58:28,546 --> 00:58:30,589
You look like a unicorn.
808
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:34,009
In a negligee.
809
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:40,265
-How is Mrs. Swafford this morning?
-Good. Good, very good.
810
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:43,060
I've brought you some tea.
811
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:46,188
-No?
-I don't like tea.
812
00:58:46,272 --> 00:58:48,106
I'll drink it myself.
813
00:58:48,900 --> 00:58:51,026
Simon, I've got some news.
814
00:58:52,529 --> 00:58:55,030
No. Don't tell me. . .
815
00:58:55,949 --> 00:58:58,367
You're pregnant already, aren't you?
816
00:58:58,451 --> 00:59:01,703
I knew this was gonna happen.
The Swaffords have always had strong stuff.
817
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:03,539
No, it's not that.
818
00:59:07,043 --> 00:59:08,877
Not that I don't want babies. I do.
819
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:11,630
I want a dozen.
You'll be in bits by the time I'm done,
820
00:59:11,756 --> 00:59:13,799
but, you know, I thought
that we could have a few more years
821
00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:17,970
of reckless shagging
before we settle into Baby Boulevard.
822
00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:23,559
Simon, I'm so in love.
823
00:59:25,770 --> 00:59:27,479
Of course you are.
824
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:32,734
Gavin is so fantastic.
825
00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:37,072
Isn't he?
Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy?
826
00:59:37,156 --> 00:59:40,784
Yes, he is.
I guess that's why I'm in love with him.
827
00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:47,499
Koala bear, when you said that
you were in love with him, there might be. . .
828
00:59:47,625 --> 00:59:50,502
Translation. What do you mean by that?
829
00:59:50,587 --> 00:59:53,422
Well, l. . .
830
00:59:55,258 --> 00:59:58,260
I met him about a week before I met you
831
00:59:58,344 --> 01:00:01,263
and I fell in love with him.
832
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:06,685
But he said the only way that I could be
on the boat was if we got married.
833
01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:10,147
And he wouldn't do that,
for obvious reasons.
834
01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:15,777
So I suggested
that I could just marry another DJ ,
835
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:17,946
and that way I could still be on the boat.
836
01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:20,490
He said that was a mad idea.
837
01:00:21,868 --> 01:00:24,202
But then I met you.
838
01:00:25,371 --> 01:00:30,834
You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that
pub and I just leapt at the opportunity and. . .
839
01:00:31,377 --> 01:00:34,338
Well, now, here I am.
840
01:00:35,506 --> 01:00:39,635
And if it's okay with you,
I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight.
841
01:00:45,683 --> 01:00:48,226
Thanks for being so understanding.
842
01:00:48,561 --> 01:00:50,562
But I don't understand.
843
01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:56,860
But I just explained.
See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and. . .
844
01:00:57,695 --> 01:01:02,699
No, I get that. I understood all. . .
I get the ins and outs of it.
845
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:07,996
What I don't understand
is how you could be so cruel.
846
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:12,209
I mean, we're just married, if you read the. . .
847
01:01:13,419 --> 01:01:14,753
Yesterday.
848
01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:19,257
And we're supposed to spend
the rest of our lives together.
849
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:25,389
We will, in a way. We will, we will. It's just. . .
850
01:01:26,557 --> 01:01:30,185
I'll be having sex with Gavin
instead of you every night, and. . .
851
01:01:30,269 --> 01:01:32,729
But we'll still be friends.
852
01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:36,191
If you need me, I'll be right next door.
853
01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:38,276
Okay?
854
01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:40,028
Having sex?
855
01:01:42,782 --> 01:01:44,408
Hopefully, yes.
856
01:01:46,452 --> 01:01:48,203
You might hear us.
857
01:01:48,621 --> 01:01:50,455
That would be nice.
858
01:01:52,709 --> 01:01:55,377
Official sources were today sad to announce
859
01:01:55,461 --> 01:01:59,214
the separation of Simon Swafford
and his wife, Elenore,
860
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:02,968
after 1 7 hours of marriage.
861
01:02:03,636 --> 01:02:07,431
It is understood the split is due
to musical differences.
862
01:02:35,668 --> 01:02:38,086
No, no, I can't believe
863
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:44,092
You're leaving me
864
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:48,013
Stay with me, baby
865
01:02:49,015 --> 01:02:54,269
Please, stay with me, baby
866
01:02:55,688 --> 01:02:58,857
Stay with me, baby
867
01:03:16,375 --> 01:03:18,794
Here's the guy
who plays all the hits.
868
01:03:18,878 --> 01:03:23,715
It's, it's, it's Simple Simon Swaftord.
869
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,890
And the time is now 7:09 in the a.m. ,
870
01:03:32,016 --> 01:03:34,768
and you're listening to
Simple Simon Swaftord Show
871
01:03:34,852 --> 01:03:38,063
on Radio Rock,
203 meters on the medium waveband.
872
01:03:38,147 --> 01:03:40,273
And remember, folks,
it ain't simple being cool,
873
01:03:40,358 --> 01:03:42,526
but it's cool being simple.
874
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,868
Radio Rock.
875
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:04,548
-Well, what do you have to say, bastard?
-Come on, be fair. I didn't ask her to do it.
876
01:04:04,632 --> 01:04:07,217
I said to her, it's absolutely not on
and now she's left,
877
01:04:07,301 --> 01:04:10,262
she's gone, she's left the boat,
she's not coming back.
878
01:04:10,346 --> 01:04:13,306
I honestly can't see what I've done wrong.
879
01:04:13,474 --> 01:04:15,058
What can I say?
880
01:04:16,561 --> 01:04:19,187
It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll.
881
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:22,107
Can you tell me one thing?
882
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:26,444
Before she left this morning, did you. . .
You didn't. . .
883
01:04:27,488 --> 01:04:28,822
You know?
884
01:04:36,914 --> 01:04:38,582
Just one little pop.
885
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:44,170
I thought it was the least I could do after all
the trouble the lovely girl had gone to.
886
01:04:45,047 --> 01:04:46,923
Simon, wait.
887
01:04:47,174 --> 01:04:50,427
-Can't really blame him, can we?
-Yeah, you can.
888
01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:53,930
Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War?
889
01:04:54,599 --> 01:04:56,141
-I have.
-Well,
890
01:04:56,350 --> 01:04:59,603
that holocaust is simply
a playground skirmish
891
01:05:00,771 --> 01:05:03,648
next to what you're about to experience.
892
01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:06,151
I'm declaring war.
893
01:05:07,361 --> 01:05:11,156
W-A-R. Gonna tear you apart.
894
01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:14,868
My dear listeners, you may have
noticed a certain cooling of the relationship
895
01:05:14,952 --> 01:05:19,122
between His Royal Highness,
the Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin.
896
01:05:19,206 --> 01:05:23,293
Well, I'm eager to show the world
that he is a coward.
897
01:05:23,377 --> 01:05:25,754
So I'm suggesting something
that's pretty big where I come from,
898
01:05:25,838 --> 01:05:28,798
and it's a game called "Chicken."
899
01:05:31,928 --> 01:05:35,472
The man who climbs furthest is the victor.
900
01:05:36,474 --> 01:05:38,350
May the best man win.
901
01:05:38,976 --> 01:05:41,269
And the biggest chicken lose.
902
01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:43,813
Are we ready?
903
01:05:46,108 --> 01:05:48,401
Then let the ascent commence.
904
01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:52,948
Come on, Count.
Come on. Up you go.
905
01:05:55,451 --> 01:05:57,452
Climb for America, sir.
906
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:01,206
-Hope she's worth it.
-She definitely was.
907
01:06:02,333 --> 01:06:03,500
Fuck.
908
01:06:04,752 --> 01:06:07,170
-Come on, Count.
-Come on, Count.
909
01:06:17,848 --> 01:06:20,016
-For God's sake.
-Help him !
910
01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:28,692
Okay.
911
01:06:29,902 --> 01:06:32,737
It's. . . It's getting pretty high now.
912
01:06:36,158 --> 01:06:39,577
I suppose there might be an argument
that it's time for a. . .
913
01:06:39,662 --> 01:06:41,663
A moment of reflection.
914
01:06:43,749 --> 01:06:46,751
Spoken like a five-star chicken.
915
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:53,550
-What are they doing?
-Just trying to help you out.
916
01:06:56,303 --> 01:06:58,346
Come on, guys, don't be stupid.
917
01:06:58,431 --> 01:07:01,391
Enough is enough,
you've proved your point.
918
01:07:03,978 --> 01:07:05,979
We should do something !
919
01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:07,939
For God's sakes, stop!
920
01:07:10,526 --> 01:07:12,861
All he did was have sex
with someone's wife.
921
01:07:12,945 --> 01:07:15,613
Sorry, Simon, don't take it personal.
922
01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:17,824
If you fall, you will die.
923
01:07:19,076 --> 01:07:20,493
Oh, my God.
924
01:07:36,302 --> 01:07:37,469
Well,
925
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:40,555
changed your mind, then?
926
01:07:40,639 --> 01:07:43,558
-About what?
-About me being a chicken.
927
01:07:46,312 --> 01:07:47,896
Why do you ask?
928
01:07:48,147 --> 01:07:50,398
Well, we've reached the top.
929
01:07:52,193 --> 01:07:53,401
And. . .
930
01:07:56,822 --> 01:07:58,323
It's the top.
931
01:07:59,116 --> 01:08:00,992
But it's not the end.
932
01:08:02,661 --> 01:08:03,995
Isn't it?
933
01:08:04,789 --> 01:08:06,081
No, sir.
934
01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:19,177
-Christ.
-Fuck.
935
01:08:22,306 --> 01:08:26,267
Step away from the edge, you silly bastards.
This is madness.
936
01:08:36,487 --> 01:08:38,029
You're nuts! You're nuts!
937
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:42,158
I think, at the end of the day,
mast climbing is the winner.
938
01:08:43,744 --> 01:08:45,787
Why am I so fucking fat?
939
01:09:04,014 --> 01:09:06,766
-What do you say now?
-I say,
940
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:11,980
I know a chicken when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
941
01:09:13,482 --> 01:09:14,983
Adios, amigo.
942
01:09:19,196 --> 01:09:20,905
Man overboard !
943
01:09:22,741 --> 01:09:23,992
Fuck!
944
01:09:24,910 --> 01:09:26,953
I don't even like Simon !
945
01:09:27,538 --> 01:09:28,746
Cry-baby.
946
01:09:28,831 --> 01:09:30,123
Cry-baby!
947
01:09:41,635 --> 01:09:42,969
Bollocks.
948
01:09:43,387 --> 01:09:45,180
What are you doing?
949
01:09:49,351 --> 01:09:51,269
Wop-bop-a-loom-a-blop-bam-boom.
950
01:09:53,063 --> 01:09:55,565
Tutti-frutti !
951
01:09:57,067 --> 01:09:59,777
Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain.
952
01:10:00,738 --> 01:10:03,239
Abraham Lincoln once said,
"It is the measure of a man
953
01:10:03,324 --> 01:10:05,950
"that he can admit when he's wrong."
954
01:10:07,453 --> 01:10:10,622
And I have been catastrophically wrong.
955
01:10:19,506 --> 01:10:24,385
I'd also like to take this opportunity
to apologize to a dear friend of mine,
956
01:10:27,890 --> 01:10:29,098
Simon.
957
01:10:35,064 --> 01:10:36,356
Finally,
958
01:10:36,815 --> 01:10:41,069
everything onboard is gonna be just fine.
959
01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:57,835
Everyone, this is our last ball,
so please be careful.
960
01:10:57,920 --> 01:11:01,339
-Kevin, it's your kick-off.
-Kevin, come on, Kevin.
961
01:11:04,009 --> 01:11:05,551
-Idiot!
-Idiot!
962
01:11:05,636 --> 01:11:06,970
Get them trousers off. Get him !
963
01:11:21,944 --> 01:11:24,279
I can see your nuts, Nutsford.
964
01:11:32,830 --> 01:11:35,415
For the first time in the history of basketball,
965
01:11:35,499 --> 01:11:40,420
the United Kingdom of Great Britain
will take on the United States of America.
966
01:11:40,796 --> 01:11:42,505
Come on, come on.
967
01:11:47,845 --> 01:11:49,053
Cheat!
968
01:11:57,438 --> 01:12:00,064
Sure throwing him in is the best way
to get him to learn how to swim?
969
01:12:00,149 --> 01:12:01,899
-Absolutely.
-Okay.
970
01:12:06,280 --> 01:12:09,324
On second thought, it might just be for kids.
971
01:12:09,408 --> 01:12:11,075
-I can't touch the bottom.
-Yeah, that's right.
972
01:12:11,160 --> 01:12:16,039
Throw a baby in, it floats.
Instinctively, naturally. It's a beautiful thing.
973
01:12:16,415 --> 01:12:19,417
-Come on.
-I think if you throw in an adult,
974
01:12:20,002 --> 01:12:22,420
-doesn't work that way.
-Goodbye.
975
01:12:34,808 --> 01:12:36,267
Deprivation.
976
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,852
-Yes.
-Yeah.
977
01:12:37,936 --> 01:12:40,021
Let's do it.
Your highness, s'il vous plait
978
01:12:40,105 --> 01:12:41,230
Yes.
979
01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:42,565
Okay.
980
01:12:44,902 --> 01:12:49,155
I've got you limeys beat.
I have never had a sexual dream
981
01:12:49,239 --> 01:12:52,867
featuring a member of the Royal Family.
982
01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:56,537
Raise your hand
if you have been as equally deprived.
983
01:12:57,539 --> 01:12:59,374
-Princess Margaret.
-Princess Margaret.
984
01:12:59,458 --> 01:13:02,710
Yes! The full six puntos.
985
01:13:05,506 --> 01:13:08,007
-Good. Full house.
-Felicity.
986
01:13:08,634 --> 01:13:11,052
I have never had sex with a man.
987
01:13:12,638 --> 01:13:16,391
-Risky one.
-I didn't think that was the road to go down.
988
01:13:19,853 --> 01:13:21,145
Damn it.
989
01:13:23,816 --> 01:13:27,777
Okay, it was at school, obviously.
Who hasn't?
990
01:13:28,487 --> 01:13:30,071
-Me.
-All of us.
991
01:13:30,197 --> 01:13:33,074
Besides you guys, okay. It was just once.
992
01:13:33,325 --> 01:13:35,410
And his name was Jackman.
993
01:13:36,703 --> 01:13:38,746
-Course his name was Jackman.
-Yeah.
994
01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:41,749
You can laugh.
But actually, he was something of a god.
995
01:13:41,834 --> 01:13:43,751
-You know, I bet he was.
-In the Upper Fifth.
996
01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:45,044
-In the Upper Fifth?
-Yes.
997
01:13:45,129 --> 01:13:47,004
-He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth?
-Yes.
998
01:13:47,089 --> 01:13:48,464
-Okay.
-Jackman.
999
01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:52,969
-I was curious.
-Sadly, it means you only get one point.
1000
01:13:53,053 --> 01:13:54,804
-One point.
-One point for Felicity.
1001
01:13:54,888 --> 01:13:56,222
-Well done.
-Well done.
1002
01:13:56,306 --> 01:13:58,933
Look at his doe-eyedness. Okay.
1003
01:13:59,017 --> 01:14:01,644
Mr. Gavin Kavanagh.
1004
01:14:01,728 --> 01:14:04,355
Right, bit of a strange one this.
1005
01:14:05,399 --> 01:14:09,068
I've never been on a date with a girl. . .
1006
01:14:09,153 --> 01:14:10,570
Wait, wait.
1007
01:14:11,196 --> 01:14:16,617
And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice
if I let go a little
1008
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:20,037
bit of wind.
1009
01:14:21,415 --> 01:14:22,874
Did so,
1010
01:14:22,958 --> 01:14:25,668
and realized it wasn't wind. . .
1011
01:14:26,962 --> 01:14:28,671
It was diarrhea.
1012
01:14:29,506 --> 01:14:33,384
So I've never been in bed
with a girl of my dreams
1013
01:14:33,927 --> 01:14:36,804
with poo all over the sheets behind me.
1014
01:14:37,389 --> 01:14:38,681
-No.
-Raise your hands
1015
01:14:38,765 --> 01:14:41,517
-anyone who has not done that.
-No way.
1016
01:14:45,022 --> 01:14:46,230
David !
1017
01:14:47,232 --> 01:14:50,151
You bastard, man !
1018
01:14:50,944 --> 01:14:53,571
-I didn't tell anyone.
-You did that?
1019
01:14:53,989 --> 01:14:56,532
-Yeah.
-What did you do?
1020
01:14:56,617 --> 01:15:00,578
Well, I told her that my wife
1021
01:15:00,662 --> 01:15:03,247
would be home in five minutes, so she left.
1022
01:15:03,332 --> 01:15:05,374
So you got away with it.
1023
01:15:05,459 --> 01:15:07,710
It's a gray area, really.
1024
01:15:08,420 --> 01:15:09,504
Tell them.
1025
01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:14,342
The problem being that my wife
then came home and. . .
1026
01:15:14,593 --> 01:15:18,679
I got into quite a lot of trouble
for pooing in the bed.
1027
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:22,099
At 4:00 in the afternoon.
1028
01:15:25,646 --> 01:15:26,896
Pooper!
1029
01:15:30,275 --> 01:15:31,901
Gorgeous Gavin.
1030
01:15:31,985 --> 01:15:34,111
Yes. That was beautiful.
1031
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,822
We're back on "pubic" air.
1032
01:15:36,949 --> 01:15:40,952
Radio Rock, 203 meters
on the medium waveband.
1033
01:15:41,286 --> 01:15:45,998
And whatever you do, don't tell Dr. Dave
I told you the infamous poo story.
1034
01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:47,166
Radio Rock!
1035
01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:50,795
It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been.
1036
01:15:50,879 --> 01:15:55,132
Government plans to undermine us
have failed spectacularly.
1037
01:15:55,300 --> 01:15:59,595
In fact, a recent poll says that
at an election, 93% of British people
1038
01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:03,307
would vote for the pirates
rather than the government.
1039
01:16:03,725 --> 01:16:05,184
This is why.
1040
01:16:06,895 --> 01:16:08,729
I'm very sorry, sir.
1041
01:16:09,356 --> 01:16:11,148
Don't worry, Twatt.
1042
01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:16,153
We may lose the public relations battle,
but we will win the war.
1043
01:16:17,739 --> 01:16:19,490
We shall proceed,
1044
01:16:20,659 --> 01:16:22,743
but just not tell anyone.
1045
01:16:23,662 --> 01:16:27,707
Executions are best done
behind closed doors.
1046
01:16:29,001 --> 01:16:31,002
Now shut that filth off!
1047
01:16:47,519 --> 01:16:51,689
You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.
It's Christmas time.
1048
01:16:52,024 --> 01:16:53,190
Carl.
1049
01:16:54,192 --> 01:16:55,943
I just got a message from shore,
1050
01:16:56,028 --> 01:16:58,529
and your mother is dropping by
to pay us a visit for Christmas.
1051
01:16:58,614 --> 01:17:01,073
You're kidding? When does she arrive?
1052
01:17:01,199 --> 01:17:04,744
Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu.
1053
01:17:05,454 --> 01:17:07,371
-Was she?
-Yeah.
1054
01:17:08,206 --> 01:17:11,083
Anyway, I thought you might like to know,
in case you want to brush your hair
1055
01:17:11,209 --> 01:17:15,212
or hide the large stack of pornography
you keep on that shelf.
1056
01:17:20,886 --> 01:17:23,304
Merry Christmas
from Radio Rock.
1057
01:17:27,559 --> 01:17:29,977
-I hear your mum's coming onboard?
-Yeah.
1058
01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:32,063
Yeah, send her my best.
1059
01:17:32,564 --> 01:17:35,107
-Tell her Muddy Waters rocks.
-Okay.
1060
01:17:39,571 --> 01:17:41,906
-She'll know what I mean.
-Yep.
1061
01:17:42,491 --> 01:17:44,158
-Okay.
-Okay.
1062
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:56,837
Ahoy!
1063
01:18:08,642 --> 01:18:10,059
Christ, what a dump.
1064
01:18:10,143 --> 01:18:12,687
-I hoped you'd like it.
-I love it.
1065
01:18:17,442 --> 01:18:21,320
Hey, right on, brother.
That's some hot mummy you got there.
1066
01:18:21,446 --> 01:18:23,280
You got one for me?
1067
01:18:34,126 --> 01:18:37,002
-Good luck, my friend.
-Thanks.
1068
01:18:47,514 --> 01:18:48,639
Mum,
1069
01:18:50,308 --> 01:18:54,145
I hate to be abrupt.
Can I ask you a very serious question?
1070
01:18:54,354 --> 01:18:57,189
It's moving. Yes, no, I'm listening.
1071
01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:01,694
Is Quentin
1072
01:19:05,490 --> 01:19:06,866
my father?
1073
01:19:10,871 --> 01:19:12,663
I beg your pardon?
1074
01:19:13,415 --> 01:19:14,915
You heard me.
1075
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:16,751
Is Quentin my dad?
1076
01:19:20,756 --> 01:19:21,839
No.
1077
01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:25,843
No. He isn't.
1078
01:19:26,678 --> 01:19:28,179
-No?
-No.
1079
01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:30,848
Cool.
1080
01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:33,184
It was just. . .
1081
01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:38,689
I was just thinking
how great it would be to have a father.
1082
01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:44,445
I'd really like one of those.
1083
01:19:50,368 --> 01:19:51,911
How long are you here for?
1084
01:19:52,412 --> 01:19:55,372
Only Boxing Day. Leaving in the morning.
1085
01:19:56,291 --> 01:19:59,794
Now this is very good cognac.
1086
01:19:59,961 --> 01:20:01,754
Yeah, it is 1 0: 1 5.
1087
01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:03,923
Perfect.
1088
01:20:07,219 --> 01:20:08,803
Turkey time.
1089
01:20:21,233 --> 01:20:22,733
Hey!
1090
01:20:22,818 --> 01:20:25,236
Ho, ho, ho!
1091
01:20:26,071 --> 01:20:27,488
Fucking Ho!
1092
01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:30,074
-Who's been naughty?
-Me!
1093
01:20:32,452 --> 01:20:36,121
-Here we go.
-I'd like to raise a glass
1094
01:20:36,248 --> 01:20:38,040
-to CarI's mother.
-Yeah.
1095
01:20:38,124 --> 01:20:41,085
Wonderful Charlotte, it was. . .
1096
01:20:42,337 --> 01:20:44,171
A shag well shagged
1097
01:20:44,923 --> 01:20:48,259
-the night you made this little fella.
-Definitely, definitely.
1098
01:20:48,343 --> 01:20:50,427
I couldn't have put it better myself.
1099
01:20:50,512 --> 01:20:54,473
Now, when he came aboard,
I'm sure it's all agreed
1100
01:20:54,599 --> 01:20:57,476
that we thought he was a bit
of a posh tosser.
1101
01:20:57,602 --> 01:20:59,311
-I didn't like him.
-He seemed unpleasant.
1102
01:20:59,437 --> 01:21:03,941
-Me neither.
-You know what? He is now one of us.
1103
01:21:04,025 --> 01:21:05,442
Yes, he is!
1104
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:08,821
We would like him
1105
01:21:09,614 --> 01:21:11,365
to stay forever.
1106
01:21:12,325 --> 01:21:14,994
And just to finish off, Kev.
1107
01:21:16,037 --> 01:21:19,748
Bless you, rabbits are Easter, not Christmas.
1108
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:22,751
That's why they call it the Easter Bunny.
1109
01:21:23,461 --> 01:21:24,712
Right.
1110
01:21:26,089 --> 01:21:28,424
-I am seriously thick, aren't l?
-You are.
1111
01:21:28,550 --> 01:21:30,676
-Thick Kevin !
-To Thick Kevin !
1112
01:21:30,760 --> 01:21:32,136
You're the thickest!
1113
01:21:32,554 --> 01:21:35,347
-All right, jokes.
-Jokes, jokes, jokes!
1114
01:21:35,432 --> 01:21:38,434
What is the largest living mammal on Earth?
1115
01:21:38,518 --> 01:21:41,645
-I don't know.
-What is the largest living mammal on Earth?
1116
01:21:41,730 --> 01:21:45,691
The blue whale! Weighing over 1 50 tons.
1117
01:21:45,942 --> 01:21:49,695
These are facts. These are the fact ones.
They're not jokes.
1118
01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:08,923
Darling,
1119
01:22:09,799 --> 01:22:12,134
I think you might have a joke.
1120
01:22:18,683 --> 01:22:20,476
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
1121
01:22:21,227 --> 01:22:22,895
Yes, it's funny.
1122
01:22:30,695 --> 01:22:32,863
Would you like a mince pie?
1123
01:22:35,075 --> 01:22:37,117
Yes, I would. Thank you.
1124
01:22:41,831 --> 01:22:45,250
Shall we have another go at the thing?
1125
01:22:46,211 --> 01:22:48,963
-Cracker, sir?
-Yes, the cracker thing.
1126
01:22:51,007 --> 01:22:52,216
Right.
1127
01:22:59,766 --> 01:23:01,892
Well, that's quite enough excitement
for one day.
1128
01:23:09,234 --> 01:23:11,026
Well, goodbye, Mum.
1129
01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:17,449
By the way, our late-night DJ Bob
1130
01:23:17,867 --> 01:23:21,203
sent you a message, which is
1131
01:23:21,788 --> 01:23:23,831
"Muddy Waters rocks."
1132
01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:28,919
-Oh, my God. He didn't tell you, did he?
-What?
1133
01:23:30,171 --> 01:23:32,423
-What?
-What do you mean, "What"?
1134
01:23:32,507 --> 01:23:34,174
What do you mean,
"Oh, my God, he didn't tell you."
1135
01:23:34,259 --> 01:23:37,344
-Nothing, darling.
-No, Mum, it's not nothing.
1136
01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:39,847
Mum.
1137
01:23:41,141 --> 01:23:42,558
-Really?
-What?
1138
01:23:42,642 --> 01:23:45,227
-Please tell me you didn't sleep with him?
-Of course I slept with him.
1139
01:23:45,311 --> 01:23:47,980
Everybody slept with him.
He was absolutely gorgeous in those days.
1140
01:23:48,064 --> 01:23:49,982
Hold on a second.
Are we talking about the same Bob?
1141
01:23:50,066 --> 01:23:53,819
This is the late-night DJ here?
The beast with the beard?
1142
01:23:54,779 --> 01:23:57,656
Well, he was indeed a beast.
But at that time,
1143
01:23:57,741 --> 01:24:01,201
-as far as I can recall, he was clean-shaven.
-When?
1144
01:24:01,828 --> 01:24:03,412
-When did you sleep with Bob?
-For heaven's sake,
1145
01:24:03,496 --> 01:24:06,206
will you stop badgering me?
I don't know when.
1146
01:24:14,466 --> 01:24:16,175
How old are you?
1147
01:24:18,553 --> 01:24:20,304
Eighteen-and-a-half.
1148
01:24:20,388 --> 01:24:24,391
Well, then it must have been
1 9-and-a-quarter years ago, then.
1149
01:24:26,061 --> 01:24:27,561
Give or take.
1150
01:24:27,979 --> 01:24:31,774
Anyway, I better go.
That poor man's been waiting forever.
1151
01:24:31,941 --> 01:24:36,361
I'm so glad we got that off our chest
and out of the way, aren't you?
1152
01:24:37,739 --> 01:24:39,448
Bye-bye, darling.
1153
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:44,495
And tell Mark, you know,
that it was a lovely, lovely night.
1154
01:24:45,497 --> 01:24:50,167
No!
1155
01:25:38,424 --> 01:25:39,550
Bob.
1156
01:25:41,344 --> 01:25:43,470
-Dude?
-Great show.
1157
01:25:46,850 --> 01:25:49,184
I think I've got some pretty big news for you.
1158
01:25:49,269 --> 01:25:50,435
Cool.
1159
01:25:51,354 --> 01:25:54,690
I'm in a pretty loose mood,
think I can handle it.
1160
01:25:58,153 --> 01:26:00,612
I think. . . I think. . .
1161
01:26:02,115 --> 01:26:07,244
I'm pretty sure that you are, as it were,
1162
01:26:08,538 --> 01:26:10,414
technically speaking,
1163
01:26:12,584 --> 01:26:13,834
my dad.
1164
01:26:17,422 --> 01:26:23,427
You're the man I've been missing
and waiting for and. . .
1165
01:26:25,221 --> 01:26:27,639
Searching for all my life.
1166
01:26:33,104 --> 01:26:34,271
Cool.
1167
01:26:38,902 --> 01:26:41,320
That's it? That's your reaction?
1168
01:26:42,822 --> 01:26:46,116
Just give me a minute.
1169
01:26:48,453 --> 01:26:50,329
Dusty Springfield there on the Dawn Treader,
1170
01:26:50,413 --> 01:26:53,582
with quite possibly
the finest white soul voice in the world.
1171
01:26:53,666 --> 01:26:58,128
And this is a young man who's really
quite good at playing the guitar.
1172
01:27:05,428 --> 01:27:06,595
Jimi.
1173
01:27:13,061 --> 01:27:14,228
So. . .
1174
01:27:21,569 --> 01:27:23,320
Morning, hepcats.
1175
01:27:23,988 --> 01:27:25,113
Hey.
1176
01:27:26,199 --> 01:27:27,282
Hi.
1177
01:27:28,534 --> 01:27:29,952
What's new?
1178
01:27:31,037 --> 01:27:35,040
Nothing.
1179
01:27:50,807 --> 01:27:51,932
Yes.
1180
01:27:53,309 --> 01:27:56,520
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
1181
01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:59,940
And yes.
1182
01:28:13,955 --> 01:28:16,123
-Good evening, sir.
-Hello.
1183
01:28:16,457 --> 01:28:17,916
Just sign it, sir.
1184
01:28:18,001 --> 01:28:22,296
And in three days, our heroic disc jockeys
become dangerous criminals.
1185
01:28:22,380 --> 01:28:24,089
Well done, Twatt.
1186
01:28:24,882 --> 01:28:27,384
That is my kind of Christmas present.
1187
01:28:27,468 --> 01:28:28,510
Thank you, sir.
1188
01:28:33,182 --> 01:28:37,185
Right. Pirate radio abolished.
A show of hands.
1189
01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:46,403
Good, moving on.
1190
01:28:46,863 --> 01:28:49,656
Now, we have to make up our minds on. . .
1191
01:28:59,000 --> 01:29:00,792
In the House of Commons today,
1192
01:29:00,877 --> 01:29:04,921
the new Marine Oftenses Act
was passed unanimously.
1193
01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:07,716
Prom midnight on New Year's Eve,
1194
01:29:07,800 --> 01:29:12,095
all pirate radio stations,
including, of course, Radio Rock,
1195
01:29:12,180 --> 01:29:14,264
will be breaking the law.
1196
01:29:14,557 --> 01:29:18,727
Everyone who works on them,
and indeed everyone who listens to them,
1197
01:29:18,811 --> 01:29:21,313
will be in contravention of the new law
1198
01:29:21,397 --> 01:29:25,776
and risk prison sentences,
both short and long.
1199
01:29:42,460 --> 01:29:43,627
Carl.
1200
01:29:45,338 --> 01:29:46,671
You okay?
1201
01:29:47,507 --> 01:29:49,007
Yeah, just. . .
1202
01:29:50,134 --> 01:29:53,720
You know, a few months ago,
I made a terrible mistake.
1203
01:29:55,098 --> 01:29:56,807
-Really?
-Yeah.
1204
01:29:57,975 --> 01:30:00,060
But I realized something.
1205
01:30:00,728 --> 01:30:04,648
And instead of crushing the thought
the moment it came l. . .
1206
01:30:05,191 --> 01:30:07,192
I let it hang on and. . .
1207
01:30:09,278 --> 01:30:11,363
Now I know it to be true.
1208
01:30:12,740 --> 01:30:15,867
And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever.
1209
01:30:16,369 --> 01:30:18,245
What was the thought?
1210
01:30:23,000 --> 01:30:25,710
That these are the best days of our lives.
1211
01:30:30,258 --> 01:30:34,136
It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it.
1212
01:30:36,139 --> 01:30:38,181
I don't know about that.
1213
01:30:39,517 --> 01:30:42,227
Well, yeah. Yeah.
1214
01:30:44,272 --> 01:30:45,397
Maybe you'll be lucky.
1215
01:30:45,481 --> 01:30:49,067
Maybe you'll have better days, but I doubt it.
1216
01:30:50,611 --> 01:30:55,365
We stood on top of the mountain, compadre.
It's a long way do-be-do-be down.
1217
01:31:04,375 --> 01:31:06,126
The day has come.
1218
01:31:06,461 --> 01:31:07,711
Tonight,
1219
01:31:08,337 --> 01:31:10,964
pirate radio dies.
1220
01:31:12,467 --> 01:31:17,304
From midnight, we are a ghost ship
floating without hope
1221
01:31:18,306 --> 01:31:20,348
on cold and dark waters.
1222
01:31:21,058 --> 01:31:25,353
You have done almighty work here.
1223
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:28,857
Thank you.
1224
01:31:30,193 --> 01:31:31,860
But your work
1225
01:31:33,696 --> 01:31:35,030
is done.
1226
01:31:39,577 --> 01:31:41,161
Not mine, sir.
1227
01:31:41,913 --> 01:31:42,996
I'm an American citizen,
1228
01:31:43,080 --> 01:31:47,876
and I don't give a hootenanny God damn
about your nitpicking limey laws.
1229
01:31:48,544 --> 01:31:53,089
I intend to broadcast from this ship
24 hours a day until the day I die.
1230
01:31:54,383 --> 01:31:57,093
And then for a couple days after that.
1231
01:31:58,262 --> 01:32:01,598
Not wanting to sound rude or anything,
1232
01:32:04,101 --> 01:32:05,519
but don't you think that might be
1233
01:32:05,603 --> 01:32:09,439
an ever so slightly monotonous experience
for the listener?
1234
01:32:12,777 --> 01:32:15,779
What do you say to 1 2 hours each,
noble sir?
1235
01:32:17,907 --> 01:32:19,783
The way I look at it,
1236
01:32:20,201 --> 01:32:22,118
the world couldn't survive
without my comedy,
1237
01:32:22,203 --> 01:32:24,120
and who's going to have the moral backbone
1238
01:32:24,205 --> 01:32:26,122
to play the Seekers when the mood is right?
1239
01:32:26,249 --> 01:32:27,958
They've split up.
1240
01:32:29,293 --> 01:32:32,254
I intend to celebrate the back catalog.
1241
01:32:37,134 --> 01:32:39,469
I intend to stop you doing so.
1242
01:32:50,481 --> 01:32:56,319
As some of you know,
my wife left me after 1 7 hours of marriage,
1243
01:32:56,445 --> 01:32:59,990
but I survived that because I live for music.
1244
01:33:00,825 --> 01:33:05,579
And now, with nothing else to live for,
I'm willing to die for it as well.
1245
01:33:10,501 --> 01:33:13,336
I've always lived for news and weather.
1246
01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:16,172
Happy to die for them, too.
1247
01:33:17,174 --> 01:33:19,175
Especially the weather.
1248
01:33:25,600 --> 01:33:28,935
I've got nowhere else to go.
1249
01:33:31,856 --> 01:33:35,775
I have somewhere else to go,
but it's Peckham.
1250
01:33:38,696 --> 01:33:41,031
So I think I'll stick around.
1251
01:33:43,951 --> 01:33:46,036
Can't let everyone starve.
1252
01:33:46,454 --> 01:33:50,874
And I'm slightly worried where my
increasingly powerful sexuality will take me
1253
01:33:51,000 --> 01:33:52,709
when I return to normal life.
1254
01:33:52,835 --> 01:33:56,630
I've got a very strong suspicion
that Felicity fancies me.
1255
01:33:57,673 --> 01:34:02,177
Not about to go anywhere,
just when I'm in with a chance.
1256
01:34:03,888 --> 01:34:05,639
Obviously, I'm in.
1257
01:34:06,515 --> 01:34:09,726
You're the only people in the world
who like me.
1258
01:34:14,523 --> 01:34:17,734
Thank you, gentlemen, lady.
1259
01:34:19,695 --> 01:34:22,572
Strange bearded thing.
1260
01:34:25,242 --> 01:34:28,912
But make no mistake,
they will come after us.
1261
01:34:31,332 --> 01:34:32,832
Let them try.
1262
01:34:47,264 --> 01:34:49,265
So, faithful followers,
1263
01:34:50,351 --> 01:34:52,018
the end is nigh.
1264
01:34:53,104 --> 01:34:56,940
We bid you farewell with dignity and pride.
1265
01:34:57,566 --> 01:34:59,359
We thought we'd never die.
1266
01:34:59,443 --> 01:35:02,612
But, well, we can't fight city hall.
1267
01:35:03,406 --> 01:35:06,908
And so, take care, be good.
1268
01:35:07,451 --> 01:35:10,620
Listen to the music. It's a good thing to do.
1269
01:35:11,580 --> 01:35:13,123
It's the Count,
1270
01:35:13,457 --> 01:35:16,459
counting down and out for the count at last.
1271
01:35:17,294 --> 01:35:20,922
Three, two, one. . .
1272
01:35:21,882 --> 01:35:23,925
And the rest is silence.
1273
01:35:33,978 --> 01:35:36,438
-Thank you, darling. Thank you, darling.
-Sure.
1274
01:35:37,648 --> 01:35:39,649
-Well done, Twatt.
-Thank you, sir.
1275
01:35:39,775 --> 01:35:41,484
-The Queen.
-Her Majesty's government.
1276
01:35:41,610 --> 01:35:42,986
The Queen.
1277
01:35:43,237 --> 01:35:45,822
Only kidding, dudes. Let's rock!
1278
01:35:54,665 --> 01:35:59,002
Arse! Arse! What arse! Give me that.
1279
01:36:45,049 --> 01:36:48,134
-It's a boat.
-What the fuck are you doing here?
1280
01:36:48,219 --> 01:36:50,887
She asked to see
someone called Carl.
1281
01:36:51,013 --> 01:36:52,388
Who asked?
1282
01:36:52,640 --> 01:36:53,890
She did.
1283
01:37:00,815 --> 01:37:02,148
It's her.
1284
01:37:08,405 --> 01:37:09,697
And her!
1285
01:37:10,825 --> 01:37:12,909
You want to come onboard?
1286
01:37:14,161 --> 01:37:16,079
You know, you're risking going to prison
by being here.
1287
01:37:16,163 --> 01:37:17,872
Yes, for fun !
1288
01:37:18,833 --> 01:37:20,667
This is my friend Margaret.
She came to keep me company.
1289
01:37:20,751 --> 01:37:22,085
-Hi.
-Hey.
1290
01:37:22,586 --> 01:37:25,255
This is my friend, the Count.
1291
01:37:25,840 --> 01:37:27,757
Well, hello, Margaret.
1292
01:37:28,926 --> 01:37:33,096
Do you think you could ever love a man
with a funky Fu Manchu?
1293
01:37:33,681 --> 01:37:35,265
No, I don't.
1294
01:37:35,349 --> 01:37:37,433
-I could shave it.
-Still no.
1295
01:37:37,560 --> 01:37:38,768
I haven't had sex in three months.
1296
01:37:38,894 --> 01:37:41,604
Oh, my God ! I'm so sorry.
1297
01:37:41,730 --> 01:37:44,524
Actually it's only been a month.
The last time was by myself.
1298
01:37:44,608 --> 01:37:46,609
-Tough.
-By the hammock.
1299
01:37:55,202 --> 01:37:58,204
I'm very sorry about what I did that night.
1300
01:37:58,455 --> 01:38:00,206
No, no, it's fine.
1301
01:38:00,457 --> 01:38:04,627
I mean, obviously,
who would wanna sleep with me?
1302
01:38:06,380 --> 01:38:08,464
Well, let's see, shall we?
1303
01:38:13,596 --> 01:38:19,309
Well, we could, you know, play Scrabble,
1304
01:38:19,810 --> 01:38:22,061
-if you fancy it.
-I hate Scrabble.
1305
01:38:22,146 --> 01:38:25,064
Me, too. Absolutely loathe it. Hate it.
1306
01:38:26,609 --> 01:38:28,985
Cluedo, on the other hand, is. . .
1307
01:38:34,074 --> 01:38:35,783
Kevin, out.
1308
01:38:43,500 --> 01:38:46,085
Lovely to see you again, Marianne.
1309
01:38:57,139 --> 01:38:59,515
-I guess if I just. . .
-Sorry.
1310
01:38:59,642 --> 01:39:02,810
No, it's fine.
Maybe if we just lie like this.
1311
01:39:18,202 --> 01:39:20,036
Would you like a cup of tea?
1312
01:39:20,120 --> 01:39:22,205
Yes, now that would be. . .
1313
01:39:24,375 --> 01:39:25,625
Lovely.
1314
01:39:29,046 --> 01:39:30,213
Cool.
1315
01:39:34,551 --> 01:39:35,843
Lovely.
1316
01:39:53,696 --> 01:39:57,323
Would you like a cup of tea?
1317
01:39:58,158 --> 01:40:00,410
A cup of tea would be lovely.
1318
01:40:11,380 --> 01:40:13,756
And yes, ladies and gentlemen
of Great Britain,
1319
01:40:13,882 --> 01:40:17,510
Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love.
1320
01:40:18,387 --> 01:40:21,764
Carl, say hello to the 20 million people
1321
01:40:21,890 --> 01:40:24,017
who have been waiting
with bated breath to hear the news,
1322
01:40:24,101 --> 01:40:25,935
whether or not you have indeed
1323
01:40:26,020 --> 01:40:28,187
misplaced your crucial cherry tonight.
1324
01:40:28,272 --> 01:40:29,355
You guys. . .
1325
01:40:29,440 --> 01:40:31,691
I think that's a yes! Is that a yes?
1326
01:40:31,775 --> 01:40:36,195
Remember, the reply, "l don't wanna
answer that question" means yes.
1327
01:40:36,405 --> 01:40:38,281
I'm certainly not
gonna answer that question. . .
1328
01:40:38,365 --> 01:40:42,785
Houston, we have lift-off.
1329
01:40:42,911 --> 01:40:44,120
Bravo!
1330
01:40:44,455 --> 01:40:49,542
Yes, newsflash.
A nice young man has lost his virginity
1331
01:40:49,626 --> 01:40:53,046
in the North Sea.
More soon on that breaking story.
1332
01:40:54,423 --> 01:40:56,466
-Morning, madam.
-Morning.
1333
01:40:56,592 --> 01:40:59,135
-Good morning.
-Good morning, madam.
1334
01:41:03,766 --> 01:41:07,727
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you could see what I see now.
1335
01:41:07,811 --> 01:41:12,982
There'll be dancing in the street
all over the United Kingdom tonight.
1336
01:41:14,443 --> 01:41:15,985
Rock 'n' roll !
1337
01:41:19,323 --> 01:41:20,990
Carl, well done!
1338
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:32,293
Bye.
1339
01:41:32,961 --> 01:41:34,670
You'll be missed.
1340
01:41:50,187 --> 01:41:51,437
Here he is.
1341
01:41:51,522 --> 01:41:53,856
All right, we had a good night.
1342
01:41:54,191 --> 01:41:57,777
But that thing you see shining through
the window is the cold light of dawn.
1343
01:41:57,861 --> 01:42:00,530
And I don't want you all to imagine
that they won't be coming after us
1344
01:42:00,614 --> 01:42:04,951
with the full force of the law
to crush our testicles like grapes.
1345
01:42:05,035 --> 01:42:07,787
But don't despair completely,
because I'm glad to tell you,
1346
01:42:07,871 --> 01:42:11,040
I've come up with quite a clever little plan.
1347
01:42:11,291 --> 01:42:13,543
-Legend.
-All hands on deck.
1348
01:42:13,627 --> 01:42:15,461
-Our leader.
-I just hope it works.
1349
01:42:15,546 --> 01:42:16,712
Of course it'll work.
1350
01:42:20,384 --> 01:42:23,052
-Good night, Miss C .
-Good night, sir.
1351
01:42:24,972 --> 01:42:27,974
D-Day for Radio Rock at last.
1352
01:42:28,058 --> 01:42:29,225
Indeed, sir.
1353
01:42:29,351 --> 01:42:33,312
That's D for deaf.
Since they're not ready to go willingly,
1354
01:42:33,856 --> 01:42:36,858
I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option.
1355
01:42:57,754 --> 01:42:59,046
Get out!
1356
01:43:03,260 --> 01:43:04,427
Move!
1357
01:43:06,722 --> 01:43:08,181
Get at them !
1358
01:43:08,265 --> 01:43:09,765
Deck's clear!
1359
01:43:11,226 --> 01:43:12,685
-Found anything?
-Yes, sir.
1360
01:43:12,769 --> 01:43:14,270
What? What have you found?
1361
01:43:14,396 --> 01:43:17,607
-Well, fish, sir.
-I beg your pardon?
1362
01:43:17,691 --> 01:43:19,233
Mainly fish.
1363
01:43:27,117 --> 01:43:28,534
Can I help you, Officer?
1364
01:43:28,619 --> 01:43:30,620
You certainly can, yes.
1365
01:43:30,954 --> 01:43:33,706
-What the hell are you doing here?
-Fishing, sir.
1366
01:43:33,790 --> 01:43:36,209
I mean, what are you doing here?
1367
01:43:36,293 --> 01:43:40,630
Here, where the Radio Rock ship
always is and always has been anchored.
1368
01:43:40,714 --> 01:43:43,799
Can't say it rings a bell, sir.
What kind of boat is she?
1369
01:43:43,884 --> 01:43:46,427
Lobster, cod, tuna?
1370
01:43:46,762 --> 01:43:49,222
Shut the fuck up!
1371
01:43:49,473 --> 01:43:52,808
This is obviously a trick
and she's scarpered.
1372
01:43:53,143 --> 01:43:55,561
Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye.
1373
01:43:55,646 --> 01:43:58,564
We are going to find these bastards,
and when we do,
1374
01:43:58,649 --> 01:44:01,108
we are going to smash them !
1375
01:44:05,614 --> 01:44:09,408
Everybody out!
We've got the wrong damn boat!
1376
01:44:39,022 --> 01:44:41,607
We should have set sail years ago.
1377
01:44:48,198 --> 01:44:51,659
You're a very clever man.
This is a very good plan.
1378
01:44:53,495 --> 01:44:55,496
What the fuck was that?
1379
01:45:00,502 --> 01:45:01,961
Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen.
1380
01:45:02,045 --> 01:45:03,796
We've got a small hiccup
onboard Radio Rock.
1381
01:45:03,880 --> 01:45:06,549
I now return you to The Small Faces.
1382
01:45:23,483 --> 01:45:26,736
It did look a bit unusual,
but I'm sure that. . .
1383
01:45:27,029 --> 01:45:32,325
Gentlemen, I have some good news and
some bad news. Which would you prefer?
1384
01:45:32,409 --> 01:45:34,410
-The good news.
-Let's have a bit of good news.
1385
01:45:34,536 --> 01:45:35,911
Good news.
1386
01:45:36,204 --> 01:45:37,580
-Good news.
-Okay.
1387
01:45:37,706 --> 01:45:42,043
The good news is the engine has exploded
and we're all going to die.
1388
01:45:42,419 --> 01:45:44,420
-Right.
-Perfect.
1389
01:45:44,546 --> 01:45:46,339
-Is he joking?
-Hello.
1390
01:45:46,423 --> 01:45:51,010
Dr. Dave, Radio Rock.
How is that good news?
1391
01:45:51,094 --> 01:45:55,598
I haven't yet told you how we're going to die.
That's the bad news.
1392
01:45:55,724 --> 01:45:56,766
How are we gonna die?
1393
01:45:56,892 --> 01:45:59,602
We're going to drown
in the freezing waters of the North Sea.
1394
01:45:59,728 --> 01:46:02,271
-Shit.
-Dearie me.
1395
01:46:02,356 --> 01:46:04,857
There is a huge hole in the side of the boat
1396
01:46:04,941 --> 01:46:09,028
and in an unfortunate development,
it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.
1397
01:46:09,112 --> 01:46:15,117
Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it?
'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.
1398
01:46:17,037 --> 01:46:19,538
-Sorry.
-Dear.
1399
01:46:27,214 --> 01:46:29,715
All right. All right. All right. All right.
1400
01:46:29,800 --> 01:46:31,801
I'm going to the studio.
1401
01:46:31,927 --> 01:46:33,552
Harold, John, up here now.
1402
01:46:33,637 --> 01:46:34,887
-Yeah, we're coming.
-This isn't going to happen.
1403
01:46:34,971 --> 01:46:37,473
A Radio Rock
newsflash with John Mayford.
1404
01:46:37,557 --> 01:46:40,643
News coming in that
the famous Radio Rock
1405
01:46:40,727 --> 01:46:45,398
has a large hole in its side
and is therefore sinking into the North Sea.
1406
01:46:47,317 --> 01:46:49,068
Really quite fast.
1407
01:46:49,820 --> 01:46:53,823
So, a tiny crisis here.
1408
01:46:57,661 --> 01:47:01,580
So, if any of you out there
knows anyone in Suffolk
1409
01:47:01,665 --> 01:47:05,000
with a boat of any shape or form,
give them a ring.
1410
01:47:05,085 --> 01:47:10,297
Our coordinates are 53-70 north. . .
1411
01:47:14,678 --> 01:47:15,845
Sorry.
1412
01:47:18,348 --> 01:47:20,015
250 east.
1413
01:47:21,309 --> 01:47:23,519
Here's a rather long record.
1414
01:47:26,273 --> 01:47:28,774
I hope I'm here at the end of it.
1415
01:48:48,438 --> 01:48:51,273
Don't worry.
The government won't actually let us die.
1416
01:48:51,399 --> 01:48:52,942
They'll have to send out boats.
1417
01:48:53,026 --> 01:48:55,361
They've heard every swearword
we've ever spoken.
1418
01:48:55,445 --> 01:48:57,196
They'll have to pick up a Mayday.
1419
01:48:57,280 --> 01:48:59,949
Nevertheless, we should move. Come on.
1420
01:49:08,833 --> 01:49:12,503
I'm not sure we're in the right place
at the right time.
1421
01:49:24,224 --> 01:49:27,142
You all right?
You're going the wrong way, mate.
1422
01:49:27,227 --> 01:49:30,646
I'm really scared.
Isn't anyone else really scared?
1423
01:49:30,772 --> 01:49:33,065
A bit. Up you go.
1424
01:49:35,277 --> 01:49:37,319
Foreigners. No backbone.
1425
01:49:59,217 --> 01:50:00,301
Yes?
1426
01:50:00,385 --> 01:50:02,595
I'm sorry to have to disturb you
this late, sir.
1427
01:50:02,679 --> 01:50:04,471
What's your want, for heaven's sake?
1428
01:50:04,556 --> 01:50:07,099
It really is getting quite serious now, sir.
1429
01:50:07,183 --> 01:50:10,686
I'm asking permission
to send our boats back to pick them up.
1430
01:50:10,770 --> 01:50:12,354
Absolutely not.
1431
01:50:12,480 --> 01:50:15,941
I absolutely could not justity
the extra expenditure
1432
01:50:16,610 --> 01:50:20,529
when there are so many other problems
we need money for as a government
1433
01:50:20,614 --> 01:50:22,489
both home and abroad.
1434
01:50:22,574 --> 01:50:24,408
They might die, sir.
1435
01:50:24,492 --> 01:50:25,909
Happens to the best of us, Twatt.
1436
01:50:26,536 --> 01:50:28,912
Happens to the very best of us.
1437
01:50:30,040 --> 01:50:31,540
Nighty-night.
1438
01:50:43,470 --> 01:50:45,888
-Whoa, there, are you okay?
-Simon, have you got a. . .
1439
01:50:45,972 --> 01:50:48,724
-Okay.
-Mark, well done. Come in.
1440
01:50:48,808 --> 01:50:51,185
And in those trousers. Not bad.
1441
01:50:52,979 --> 01:50:56,148
Thank you, John.
So, we'll be safe here for a while.
1442
01:50:56,232 --> 01:51:00,653
The captain thinks we've got till dawn
before we go the full Titanic.
1443
01:51:00,862 --> 01:51:03,697
We've sent out an official distress call.
1444
01:51:03,782 --> 01:51:06,200
And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon.
1445
01:51:12,707 --> 01:51:15,000
Really? Really? Yeah?
1446
01:51:15,085 --> 01:51:16,794
-We're all right.
-Really.
1447
01:51:16,878 --> 01:51:18,462
We're all right.
1448
01:51:18,546 --> 01:51:20,881
Can I just say something, then?
1449
01:51:21,341 --> 01:51:23,801
I know I'm not the most popular guy
on the boat.
1450
01:51:23,885 --> 01:51:25,386
On the radio I'm fine.
1451
01:51:25,470 --> 01:51:29,765
In the flesh it's something
that people just don't warm to. I know.
1452
01:51:30,100 --> 01:51:33,102
But I just wanna say, the three years here,
1453
01:51:33,269 --> 01:51:37,064
I've been closer to finding friendship
than I've ever been in my life.
1454
01:51:37,148 --> 01:51:42,027
And I'd rather have had that and die
than not have had it and lived. I think.
1455
01:51:43,154 --> 01:51:45,781
Maybe not. No, actually.
1456
01:51:45,865 --> 01:51:46,907
-Come on.
-I just. . .
1457
01:51:46,991 --> 01:51:48,909
You're being ridiculous.
1458
01:51:48,993 --> 01:51:50,536
-Well, I'm not popular.
-Look, this isn't. . .
1459
01:51:50,620 --> 01:51:53,747
No, that's. . . Every group needs a fall guy,
1460
01:51:54,249 --> 01:51:58,836
and yeah, sure, you've been it. But it's not. . .
It's just been a joke. You know?
1461
01:51:58,920 --> 01:52:04,591
I mean, lookit,
everybody who actually loves this nut, huh?
1462
01:52:04,676 --> 01:52:08,345
And is proud as can be
to count him in the number of their friends,
1463
01:52:08,430 --> 01:52:10,431
just raise their hands.
1464
01:52:11,266 --> 01:52:13,392
-See? Okay?
-There we go.
1465
01:52:15,103 --> 01:52:16,311
David?
1466
01:52:17,063 --> 01:52:18,439
Be honest.
1467
01:52:23,403 --> 01:52:24,987
What? Okay.
1468
01:52:30,910 --> 01:52:32,453
Where's Bob?
1469
01:52:32,537 --> 01:52:34,163
-Get the. . .
-I'm lying.
1470
01:52:34,247 --> 01:52:36,290
Wait a minute. Where's Bob?
1471
01:52:36,374 --> 01:52:38,542
-He fell on ice.
-Guys, Bob!
1472
01:52:40,837 --> 01:52:42,421
Where's my dad?
1473
01:52:47,552 --> 01:52:49,887
We'll wait another minute.
So who's broadcasting?
1474
01:52:49,971 --> 01:52:51,054
No one.
1475
01:52:51,139 --> 01:52:56,185
203 meters on the medium waveband
is silent for the first time.
1476
01:52:58,980 --> 01:53:03,442
Well, excuse my language,
but fuck that sideways, sir.
1477
01:53:04,110 --> 01:53:06,236
Harold, after you.
1478
01:53:22,128 --> 01:53:26,298
Bob!
1479
01:53:27,425 --> 01:53:29,134
-Dad?
-Easy.
1480
01:53:29,219 --> 01:53:32,429
Easy. Just listening to a new track
by the Grateful Dead.
1481
01:53:32,514 --> 01:53:34,014
I'm gonna have to stop it.
1482
01:53:34,098 --> 01:53:36,058
Hey, don't do that. Don't do that.
1483
01:53:36,142 --> 01:53:37,976
That's a bit of a space invasion, man.
1484
01:53:38,061 --> 01:53:40,395
Well, the thing is, Bob,
the boat is actually sinking,
1485
01:53:40,480 --> 01:53:44,233
and if you listen to the end of this track,
you will die.
1486
01:53:59,457 --> 01:54:00,791
Let's go.
1487
01:54:06,923 --> 01:54:08,465
Mind the hole.
1488
01:54:14,973 --> 01:54:16,390
Oh, no.
1489
01:55:50,193 --> 01:55:53,028
-Thanks, man.
-You're welcome.
1490
01:55:54,697 --> 01:55:57,032
-Here. Come to me.
-What are you doing?
1491
01:55:57,116 --> 01:56:00,410
I'm feeling guilty about sleeping
with your girlfriend twice in a night.
1492
01:56:00,536 --> 01:56:03,330
-Three times if you count a. . . Hey, Bob.
-Hey.
1493
01:56:03,414 --> 01:56:07,584
-Dear. That is not a good record.
-What?
1494
01:56:07,710 --> 01:56:10,212
I think it's time we got the fuck out of here.
Come on.
1495
01:56:17,428 --> 01:56:20,263
To all our listeners,
this is what I have to say.
1496
01:56:20,390 --> 01:56:22,057
God bless you all.
1497
01:56:22,141 --> 01:56:25,978
And as for you bastards in charge,
don't dream it's over.
1498
01:56:26,396 --> 01:56:28,897
Years will come, years will go,
1499
01:56:29,565 --> 01:56:33,193
and politicians will do fuck all
to make the world a better place.
1500
01:56:33,277 --> 01:56:36,279
But all over the world,
young men and young women
1501
01:56:36,406 --> 01:56:41,243
will always dream dreams
and put those dreams into song.
1502
01:56:41,953 --> 01:56:44,329
Nothing important dies tonight.
1503
01:56:44,831 --> 01:56:47,582
Just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship.
1504
01:56:47,750 --> 01:56:51,586
The only sadness tonight is that,
in future years,
1505
01:56:51,963 --> 01:56:57,342
there'll be so many fantastic songs
that it will not be our privilege to play.
1506
01:56:57,427 --> 01:57:02,264
But, believe you me, they will still be written.
1507
01:57:02,765 --> 01:57:08,937
They will still be sung
and they will be the wonder of the world.
1508
01:57:10,148 --> 01:57:11,523
Hit it!
1509
01:57:18,281 --> 01:57:20,115
I think we better go.
1510
01:57:21,743 --> 01:57:23,910
Okay. Do what you gotta do.
1511
01:57:25,496 --> 01:57:26,788
Chicken.
1512
01:57:36,007 --> 01:57:37,758
Go ahead, Harold.
1513
01:57:52,482 --> 01:57:55,150
-Come on up, Bob. Well done.
-Hello, Bob.
1514
01:58:17,673 --> 01:58:18,840
Shit!
1515
01:58:19,342 --> 01:58:21,885
I think we're actually going to die.
1516
01:58:22,011 --> 01:58:23,136
Why?
1517
01:58:25,181 --> 01:58:26,973
I'll explain later.
1518
01:58:30,478 --> 01:58:31,645
So. . .
1519
01:58:33,064 --> 01:58:36,691
Tell us, Mark, now at the very end.
1520
01:58:37,652 --> 01:58:39,528
What was your secret?
1521
01:58:40,363 --> 01:58:43,240
-How did you get all them girls?
-Simple.
1522
01:58:43,825 --> 01:58:45,909
Don't say anything at all.
1523
01:58:46,494 --> 01:58:48,203
-Nothing?
-Nothing.
1524
01:58:48,371 --> 01:58:50,914
Then, when the tension
becomes too much to bear,
1525
01:58:51,040 --> 01:58:54,835
you finally, finally, you just say. . .
1526
01:58:58,214 --> 01:59:00,006
"How about it, then?"
1527
01:59:01,926 --> 01:59:05,053
-"How about it, then?"
-"How about it, then?"
1528
01:59:06,055 --> 01:59:08,765
"How about it, then?" Works every time.
1529
01:59:08,891 --> 01:59:10,058
Fuck!
1530
01:59:10,893 --> 01:59:13,520
How about it? Well, how about this?
1531
01:59:13,604 --> 01:59:15,939
How about this situation here?
1532
01:59:16,065 --> 01:59:20,026
Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark!
We're gonna die!
1533
01:59:20,111 --> 01:59:21,736
Come on, Harold !
1534
01:59:21,863 --> 01:59:25,740
We are gonna live forever!
1535
01:59:26,576 --> 01:59:29,286
-So this is where the party is.
-Gavin !
1536
01:59:29,412 --> 01:59:33,415
-Dude, come on up. Relax, enjoy yourself.
-Good to see you, mate.
1537
01:59:33,541 --> 01:59:35,750
-Come on.
-Hold on.
1538
01:59:36,752 --> 01:59:39,421
And the Count. Any sign of the Count?
1539
01:59:42,592 --> 01:59:43,633
No.
1540
01:59:45,803 --> 01:59:49,806
It's not. . . It's not getting better.
1541
02:00:03,946 --> 02:00:10,035
This is it! We are gonna die!
1542
02:00:10,953 --> 02:00:12,120
Wait!
1543
02:00:13,456 --> 02:00:15,123
-What?
-A boat!
1544
02:00:16,459 --> 02:00:19,044
How big? How big a bloody boat?
1545
02:00:20,963 --> 02:00:22,631
It's not actually just one boat.
1546
02:00:22,715 --> 02:00:23,882
-Two boats.
-Three boats.
1547
02:00:23,966 --> 02:00:26,551
It's ever so slightly
more than three boats.
1548
02:00:26,636 --> 02:00:27,969
How many boats?
1549
02:00:28,095 --> 02:00:31,973
I think the technical term
is a fuckload of boats.
1550
02:00:37,063 --> 02:00:38,563
There's more!
1551
02:00:53,496 --> 02:00:55,288
They're everywhere!
1552
02:01:00,586 --> 02:01:01,920
Mark!
1553
02:01:02,004 --> 02:01:03,588
Get in the boat!
1554
02:01:03,673 --> 02:01:06,007
-Hang on.
-Gavin !
1555
02:01:06,676 --> 02:01:08,468
Let's go! Let's go!
1556
02:01:09,470 --> 02:01:10,679
Gavin !
1557
02:01:18,646 --> 02:01:20,021
One, two, three. . .
1558
02:01:20,106 --> 02:01:22,816
All right, there must be another way!
1559
02:01:25,653 --> 02:01:27,362
One, two, three. . .
1560
02:01:43,170 --> 02:01:44,212
-Angus. . .
-I don't want to go!
1561
02:01:44,297 --> 02:01:46,298
-Follow me.
-It's water, I can't. . .
1562
02:01:46,382 --> 02:01:48,216
-You just jump!
-No!
1563
02:02:12,867 --> 02:02:14,034
Angus!
1564
02:02:16,537 --> 02:02:17,704
Mark!
1565
02:02:19,540 --> 02:02:21,750
There he is! There he is!
1566
02:02:24,003 --> 02:02:25,670
-Angus!
-Help me!
1567
02:02:25,880 --> 02:02:27,255
Over here!
1568
02:02:27,757 --> 02:02:29,090
Grab it!
1569
02:02:32,970 --> 02:02:34,095
Bob!
1570
02:02:34,680 --> 02:02:36,848
Bob, over here! Come here!
1571
02:02:38,225 --> 02:02:40,060
Keep swimming !
1572
02:02:40,478 --> 02:02:41,603
-Bob!
-Bob!
1573
02:02:44,565 --> 02:02:46,358
-Give me your hand.
-Thank you.
1574
02:02:46,442 --> 02:02:49,069
Thanks very much, very good of you.
1575
02:02:57,453 --> 02:02:59,204
Give me your hand.
1576
02:02:59,997 --> 02:03:02,123
-We've got him !
-Thank you.
1577
02:03:04,043 --> 02:03:06,795
Let me look at you. You're gorgeous.
1578
02:03:11,342 --> 02:03:13,968
-Angus!
-Yes! I'm alive!
1579
02:03:14,136 --> 02:03:15,887
Simon !
1580
02:03:16,013 --> 02:03:18,515
Come over and we'll have a warm bath !
1581
02:03:20,267 --> 02:03:21,601
Margaret!
1582
02:03:21,769 --> 02:03:24,145
Keep swimming, you're doing really well !
1583
02:03:24,313 --> 02:03:26,022
-Carl !
-Marianne!
1584
02:03:26,107 --> 02:03:27,273
Carl !
1585
02:03:37,493 --> 02:03:39,536
It's lovely to meet you.
1586
02:03:40,121 --> 02:03:41,371
Thank you.
1587
02:03:41,455 --> 02:03:42,497
I don't know what I would have done
1588
02:03:42,581 --> 02:03:46,584
if anything would've happened to you !
I listen to your show every single morning.
1589
02:03:48,754 --> 02:03:51,089
-Who are you?
-I love you.
1590
02:03:51,465 --> 02:03:53,508
My name is on your boobies.
1591
02:03:53,634 --> 02:03:55,009
Oh, my God !
1592
02:04:04,603 --> 02:04:08,189
Calm down.
There's plenty of Dr. Dave to go around.
1593
02:05:20,095 --> 02:05:21,179
Yeah !
1594
02:05:21,263 --> 02:05:22,514
My man !
1595
02:05:30,773 --> 02:05:31,856
Yeah, man !
1596
02:05:31,941 --> 02:05:38,863
Rock 'n' roll !
1597
02:05:39,782 --> 02:05:42,033
That's rock 'n' roll, baby!
1598
02:05:42,117 --> 02:05:52,210
Rock 'n' roll !
1599
02:07:04,742 --> 02:07:08,995
8:00 till 1 1 :00 , Gavin Kavanagh, and it says
here, "Coolest man on the planet."
1600
02:07:09,079 --> 02:07:13,207
And that is, strangely,
in his own handwriting.
1601
02:07:13,334 --> 02:07:15,293
Some people say that
they don't bother listening to it.
1602
02:07:15,377 --> 02:07:19,547
-Who says that?
-Well, Dave said that he didn't really like it.
1603
02:07:21,884 --> 02:07:23,551
And he did that.
1604
02:07:24,386 --> 02:07:26,721
-Yeah.
-Actually, from out there they glint
1605
02:07:26,847 --> 02:07:29,390
and make you look sort of satanic.
1606
02:07:31,393 --> 02:07:32,518
-See you later, John.
-Okay.
1607
02:07:32,603 --> 02:07:36,230
So, Dr. Arthur Sea Measure.
That's an interesting name.
1608
02:07:36,357 --> 02:07:38,483
Do you mind if I just call you
Doctor For Short?
1609
02:07:38,567 --> 02:07:40,276
Yes, that's fine.
1610
02:07:40,569 --> 02:07:43,279
Good. So, Doctor For Short,
tell us, oceanographer. . .
1611
02:07:43,405 --> 02:07:48,034
Dr. Dave. Not quite so nutty,
but good for your medical requirements.
1612
02:07:49,745 --> 02:07:54,082
It does not surprise me that you are single.
1613
02:07:54,208 --> 02:07:57,877
Yesterday's anti-war demonstrations
in Bolton. . .
1614
02:07:59,129 --> 02:08:02,965
-Today will be mainly wet. Hey. . .
-I'm trying not to. . .
1615
02:08:03,258 --> 02:08:05,426
-I didn't mean what I said.
-You didn't?
1616
02:08:05,511 --> 02:08:09,639
No, I think you're a good guy
and you're a good egg, you know?
1617
02:08:10,432 --> 02:08:11,641
Thanks.
1618
02:08:13,602 --> 02:08:15,103
What a prick.
1619
02:08:18,148 --> 02:08:20,441
It's a shame you're a lezzer.
1620
02:08:21,652 --> 02:08:23,528
I would be nuts deep.
1621
02:08:31,537 --> 02:08:34,288
I'm gonna talk into the microphone of love.
1622
02:08:34,373 --> 02:08:40,712
And that was Spirit from their first album
entitled, not surprisingly, Spirit.
1623
02:08:41,130 --> 02:08:42,839
He's doing it. He's doing it!
1624
02:08:42,965 --> 02:08:46,134
You can't see this,
but he has just clicked on this record
1625
02:08:46,218 --> 02:08:48,970
with the right boot of his Cuban heel.
1626
02:08:54,017 --> 02:08:55,393
Very nice.
1627
02:08:57,229 --> 02:08:59,647
That's how you do it, isn't it?
1628
02:15:01,593 --> 02:15:03,594
Cheers, H. What's next?
115711
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