Original subtitles

Charlie?

Are you in here, Honey?

Oh my God, do not lick anything,

okay?

Baby, I need you to say something, okay?

This is not a game.

Charlie?!

Charlie?! Charlie?!

Charlie, where are you?! Charlie?!

Oof! Ungh!

Rhoda, that's enough screen time, please.

Rhoda?!

Oh my God...

Oh my God, it's Maybel.

Posture. Thank you.

Did you use Mommy's products in your hair?

- I knew it. - Anne!

- Anne! - Jamye, honey, are you hungry?

Do you want a snack?

- No. - No. Okay.

Would anyone care to share a latest accomplishment?

- Oh, Charlie. - What the fuck?

Well, I went food shopping the other day.

I mean, like, I ordered it from home.

Like on an app? But still, it got there.

That's excellent!

I was hoping you were going to report

progress on another front.

You mean progress with my buttons, Val?

Or how 'bout my zippers?! Or my snaps?!

Or putting on my own pants?!

Nope! Not much progress to report,

thank you very much!

But you know what?

My mom says I don't have to learn that.

Just wearing a giant t-shirt is fine enough.

Right, Mommy?

Mmmmuah!

Mama.

I don't mean to be rude,

- but what is that smell? - Oh, don't be cute.

Alicia, you know that Charlie crapped himself.

Yeah, but isn't he just wearing a shirt?

Is it... in your lap, Kate?

No! It is not in your lap,

- is it, Kate? - Oh man...

Your child knows how to button his pants

and use the toilet, right?

Kate, can you please change him?

He smells very, very bad.

This is... not happening.

Please! Everybody leave my mom alone!

Ugh! I'm sorry I'm a monster, okay, Mom?!

I'm a monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?! Monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!

Monster.

Would Kay Monster please report to the snack bar?

Kay Monster,

please report to the snack bar.

Monster.

Would Kay Monster please report to the snack bar?

Kay Monster...

Please report to the snack bar.

Charlie...

Charlie?!

No!

Seriously?!

Hey. Yeah, Reg, uh, can you just open the house

and get it started?

Thanks. I'll be there as soon as I can.

No. Way.

Goddamit! Citizens arrest!

- Ungh! - I hate you! Son-of-a-bitch!

- Ungh! Ungh! Ungh! - You crazy?

Where is it?!

Where is it?! I know it's in here!

- Right, oh right, yeah, Sean. - Huh.

Timothy.

Bruce? Really?

Solomon. All right.

There's only one Solomon in my life,

and he shits his pants.

I'm calling the cops.

Jesus.

Ungh!

Hello.

Do you have a citizen's arrest division?

Yes, I'll hold.

Um...

come on.

Hello?!

Fuck!

Think.

Oh my God, Anne? Anne?

I'm just gonna come out say it.

Is Maya your new best friend or what?

What? I can't talk about that right now.

Listen to me, I'm in trouble.

I have lost Charlie

in the Admiral Weed Beer factory and...

- What? - Locked in the stairwell...

Kate, what?!

Anne?

Oh my God.

Goddammit.

Oh fuck.

All right.

I'm Kay Monster, I'm...

Char... Charlie. Hey, sweetie.

Oh my God, you're okay!

I guess this little guy's been asking for you then?

Oh my God, is your head okay?

Oh, yeah. No, it's great actually.

You were hungry, so you got yourself a snack?

He just marched right in here,

picked that cookie, paid for it!

- You knew how to do that? - He seemed pretty competent.

He even went and used the bathroom.

He what? Did you have to pressure him to...

pull his pants up? I mean, the button,

he's terr-he's terrible at buttons. Did you...

Oh, no, no, no. I didn't go in there with him.

Was I supposed to?

Oh, you knew how to do it by yourself, huh?

You even knew to say Kate Foster.

Uh, well, he didn't exactly get your name right.

Hey, buddy, he's literally killing at life right now.

Totally. I'm sorry.

Yeah, he's awesome. He's great.

Fuckin', damn straight he is!

Sorry about the trapped elevator.

Very thirsty though. Very thirsty.

Oh, guys! Look who I found!

- Oh! Thank goodness. - Hey! Little man!

- What happened to you? - Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Jesus.

Yeah, I'm sorry I had to leave the tour like that.

Not my most professional moment.

Oh, I think I drank too much water.

Uh, I can hear it my belly. Listen to that.

Sounds like a waterbed.

Oh, I have always liked the idea of a waterbed.

Like you're drifting out to sea...

- Hmm... - William, you seem relaxed.

Well, I don't feel like running into traffic,

but this guy is clearly high.

Uh, look, now, hold on now.

The, the, the beer, it's not usually this strong.

Okay, Craig...

Look, there was a fuck up today,

but yeah, a couple batches got overdosed.

- What? - Um...

I can assure you,

none of that left the premises!

Trust me, they're taking every possible precaution.

Kate, oh my God, did you find him?!

- Oh, hi, buddy! - Anne! What're you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

- I am saving your life! - Well...

You sounded like you were in a "Saw Movie"! Dude, your head!

I know. It looks worse than it is.

- Oh my God, is it this shit? - What?

Is this what you were drinking

when you fucked your face up? Did you not learn anything

- when Alice almost got arrested? - Uh...

- Um, who's Alice? - My 13-year-old daughter.

Her and her idiot friends drank this stuff

and destroyed Kate's office.

- Is that true? - Wha... wait, what?

Okay...

Anne, I'd like to introduce you to Craig, the CEO of Après

and William, a reporter

writing on the safety of this product.

Mm... shit.

So you of all people must agree with me...

this product is too dangerous.

- It should be banned. - Well...

Mm...

But that would only make it more desirable.

- Look, I'm a psychiatrist. - You are?

I'm actually writing about this right now.

Oh, well, what does the professional community think?

That this is a very complicated situation

and that should be taken on a case by case basis.

And, in my case, I came to the conclusion

that my daughter needs more freedom.

- Let her run her own train. - Excuse me?

Okay, uh... so what I think Anne is saying,

uh, in, in uh, in her own way,

is that weed isn't going anywhere. Right, Anne?

Yeah.

Yes, and weed beer's not going anywhere.

So the smartest thing you can do, William, is...

is to write about that.

Uh, if you really wanna keep the public protected,

if you wanna keep them safe,

educate them, empower them.

You make a fair point.

Hey, hey.

Come here, buddy. Come here, man.

- Love you. - Oh.

Let's get you cleaned up. I got some wet wipes in the car.

Oh, thank God.

You okay, buddy?

I could've driven.

Dude, I'm not saying it again.

You may have a concussion.

I'm gonna tell Nathan to wake you up every 45 minutes.

- You don't have to do that. - No, I'm gonna talk to him.

With or without your hands around his throat?

Sorry I haven't been that supportive of your decision.

I do think I made it up to you back there though.

Big time.

- You stole the show. - Thank you!

No, excuse me, I'm talking to your outfit.

Is it hard to work at a record store all day

when you just wanna jam in a band, Cool Outfit?

Sorry I'm not as cool as your other mom friends.

You mean Maya?

Maya is not my best friend, you idiot. You are.

I would literally leave Nathan in an amusement park,

starving and alone with both kids,

- if it meant losing you. - Yes! Oh my God, me too!

- I'd be like, "Bye, Lionel!" - "Keep 'em alive!"

- They'd be fine. - Exactly!

So what's the issue here? We're sisters.

Sisters by blood. Blood sisters by blood.

I mean, it's not by blood.

Yeah, yeah. Blood, spit, cum...

all the things, you know?

- Huh? - Yeah.

You sure you're okay?

- Let's make an oath. - A pact!

- Yes! To each other. - Yes!

Like Lancelot. Camelot.

You know those dudes with long hair.

Swords in the stone shit! The owl.

- Okay. I'll go. - Yeah.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay.

I, Anne Carlson, promise to be your sister for life.

- Aw... - You go.

- Okay. - 'Kay.

Uh, I, Anne Carlson...

- No, idiot. - You got to say your name.

I, Anne Carlson, promise to be your sister.

Right. I, Carl Anderson, am a sister.

Okay, you have a concussion, we're going to the hospital.

- I'm gonna go to sleep. - Don't go to sleep! Hey! Hey!

- Ow. - Up!

- Ow. - Up!

OW. Hey! Cut it out.

Do I have to break you guys apart?

Stop it. Ow. C'mon.

Stop touching me.

- What the hell? - Are you in charge?!

My child has six different nut allergies

- you should know about. - And hey,

this place is not baby proofed, you know?

Do you know how many things in here Enzo could swallow

or penetrate himself with?

- Fucking Jenny! - Get over here, right now.

You wanna tell me why my office

looks like a line-up for a Paw Patrol Live show right now?!

Malcolm Cody Patrick,

are you admitting you've gone to Paw Patrol Live?

Okay, Jenny, you wanna play?

Fine. What are your terms?

How's about you turn around, call your higher ups

and demand the quality daycare

that my coworkers desperately need.

How's about you go up there yourself

and clear out the crapping, screaming, petting-zoo

that you've turned my office into!

- Or you can clear out your desk. - Mm...

Are you threatening me?

Because this is where I threaten you.

I could go public with the significant wage gap

that your company has been suffering from.

Or, if that's not enough, I'd be happy to top it

with the hush money you provided Gena and I.

Or should I just tell everybody

that you called a mom at the park

"clearly gay, and not in the hot way."

What you've done here? Yeah, it's illegal and gross.

And all you have to do is stop being a cheap

little sexist bitch.

Now deliver us a daycare,

or face public scrutiny...

and the Paw Patrol.

Ruff.

That's right. Keep walking!

I was just walking. I'm tellin' you,

he did not even see it coming. I was just like beating him,

with my face with the sign

just like ahhhh, ungh, hunngh!

Right? And then just when he thought

it couldn't get any worse, I just...

Curbed him.

Juniper, what have I told you

about sneaking up on us like that?

That it makes you feel like you live in Cape Fear?

Exactly. Now go to your room.

And you got my rosary back.

Well, he's with the cops now

and the slow wheels of justice are...

- cranking forward. - That was amazing, Frank.

It's what anybody woulda done.

No. You've been like...

the best father Solomon could ever ask for.

No, but really.

I want you to be his other mom.

And I know that's asking a lot since you already have a kid

and an ex-wife and a potential assault case on your hands.

I would be honoured...

honoured to adopt him.

Oh my God.

- I Love you. - Love you.

Look...

bad news is... our Publisher has dropped out.

You wrote a completely different book

than what they paid you for.

But I don't, I don't have to pay the money back, right?

Oh, you absolutely do.

- I can't repay that advance! - My husband lost his job

and, and detective camp is a fucking fortune!

- Detective camp! - I love it!

Ripped from the pages!

But look, you blew your book deal!

- Like you totally blew it! - Shit. Shit. Shit.

But...

this is your book, Anne!

I loved it!

My best friend loved it, my idiot sister loved it,

my cousin's kid's bus driver loved it.

It's beautiful.

It's heartbreaking and infuriating

and all the things that it is to be the mother

- of an adolescent. - Right?

We are gonna sell this book, Anne!

All right, go play.

What up, biatch?

Ugh. Save it, you piece of shit.

Oh, come on, I met your demands.

You won, okay? It was impressive.

No, seriously.

Watching you pick something that you actually care about

and follow through with it?

Most people don't have that in 'em.

Most people aren't sociopaths,

who screw over half their employees

'cause they hate their mommy.

I... I don't know what to say.

- I'm sorry. - Say you're a little bitch...

with a little bitch face.

- What? - Say it.

Or find another bench.

Fine.

I'm a little bitch with...

A little bitch face.

So, look, I'd still like to do

whatever it is we do outside of work.

And what is it that we do together?

What the fuck?!

I'm sorry. Look, I just thought you'd,

I mean, you'd prob...

- I'm in charge. - Clearly.

'Kay, so, this is a shirt.

I want you to find the big hole,

let your head do the walkin'.

Just sort of follow your guts. I'm not gonna step in...

even though I want to.

Yup. Just sort of...

yup, that's the one.

Yup. Hey.

- How's it goin' in here? - Slow and terrible,

but he's gettin' it!

- Wow, buddy! That's amazing! - Yeah!

- Woo! - Yes!

- Good job, buddy! - Oh, you got it.

Can you find the arm hole?

Oh, he, he might not.

Look, if he doesn't get it, There's always vests, right?

- Mommy? - I'm not too worried about it.

I can't.

I feel like if I just step in and fix that one arm...

- You cannot step in. - I can't.

Can't we just blame it on the concussion

and I'll just put the shirt on?

How is my patient?

Who are you?

Do we have to upgrade you to amnesia?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna have to hit you in the head

with another forklift though?

He's actually getting it.

- You got it, you got it! - You got it, dude!

Yes!

- Yes! - Yes, Charlie!

Yes, yes, yes!

I don't know what we're gonna do.

I got a job.

What? Like as... as a coder?

As a contingency planner.

Ah, thank God! You...

- Mm, wait, wait, wait. - What?

There's one small thing.

- Hey. - What're you doin'...?

I could've gotten you something...

No, no, no, no, no. Relax.

- I wanted to get you something. - Okay.

I owe you an apology.

For bringing cured meats into the bedroom?

No, for cancelling our trip.

I know it meant something to you.

I didn't just wanna bang

at the top of a mountain, you know.

Oh, I know you didn't. You wanted to, like, be connected.

I, I kinda can't believe that after all this time

you still want to.

But I can't tell you how much that means to me.

I mean, I'm sorry, Nathan, and I'm sorry about hiring Richard

and for like giving him half of my salary...

- I don't want to hear it. - Okay.

What if we just ate salami?

- Feels good, right? - Well, yeah, but...

what about our problems? I mean...

Send them off to sea, viking funeral style.

What, like dump 'em?

Is that allowed?

I'm doing it.

I wanna do it.

Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

Honey, I actually have to pee.

Mmm...

- Who could that be? - I don't know. You pee.

I'll get the door.

- Put some pants on, please. - Yes, sir.

Anne? What the...? What're you doing here?

Anne?

So um...

- I'm... - Oh my God, you're dying.

- What? No. Dramatic. - You're being dramatic!

It's like sitting across from Dame Judy Dench!

- Would you just... - I'm moving.

- What? - Lionel got a job

and we're moving...

to Calgary.

No. You're not moving to Calgary.

That's insane. I refuse your news.

Please don't make this hard on me.

What happened to us leaving our partners

and kids in a theme park, striking a match, dropping it behind us?

Nobody said anything about lighting them on fire!

Well, I'm upset!

I thought I was more important than Lionel.

I know you can't say yes, but if you just blink or something.

We just can't live here on just my job.

Yeah.

And Alice is really miserable.

Yeah.

I just don't know what I'm doing.

I have failed her so many times,

and I think I'm doing it again.

You are not.

You are not.

You are an amazing mom.

You are putting her first.

And yeah, I hate that you're going,

but you're doing the right thing.

We'll make it work.

- I love you. - I love you.

- Right? - Yeah.

Sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com