All language subtitles for What We Do in the Shadows - 02x01 - Resurrection.webrip.x264-xlf.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,242 --> 00:00:25,242 NADJA: So, yes, it has been quite a summer. 2 00:00:25,273 --> 00:00:28,007 - We finally got a new familiar. - Yeah. 3 00:00:28,046 --> 00:00:30,656 - But he had an accident and died. - Yeah. 4 00:00:30,685 --> 00:00:33,218 - Left a bit. Left a bit more. - (SHEARS CLIPPING) 5 00:00:33,284 --> 00:00:34,716 It's not even. 6 00:00:34,807 --> 00:00:36,473 (SCREAMS) 7 00:00:36,498 --> 00:00:38,832 Ooh. Shit. 8 00:00:38,898 --> 00:00:41,168 So we found another one and she had an accident 9 00:00:41,230 --> 00:00:43,002 and she died. 10 00:00:43,105 --> 00:00:44,738 - (SHRIEKS) - Oh, fuck. 11 00:00:44,763 --> 00:00:47,174 - (SCREAMING) - (WATER SPLASHES) 12 00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:51,872 I had what is known as a summer of self-discovery. 13 00:00:51,923 --> 00:00:54,305 I was being a vapor 14 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,809 and I got sucked into an air purifier. 15 00:01:00,215 --> 00:01:01,896 But apart from that, 16 00:01:01,949 --> 00:01:03,815 pretty slow summer. 17 00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:06,819 And then the same thing happened with the next one. 18 00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,808 I spent so much time at the DMV 19 00:01:10,833 --> 00:01:13,010 they finally just gave me a license. 20 00:01:13,035 --> 00:01:16,144 I did what any young, handsome man would do, 21 00:01:16,169 --> 00:01:18,830 I went and bought a classic convertible, 22 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,292 put the top down, blasted some tunes and, uh, 23 00:01:23,432 --> 00:01:25,800 I blocked the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. 24 00:01:25,825 --> 00:01:27,456 - (HORNS HONKING) - This is gonna ruin my day, 25 00:01:27,481 --> 00:01:29,276 too, you know. 26 00:01:29,478 --> 00:01:31,472 - And then the next one. - Yep. 27 00:01:31,748 --> 00:01:33,448 (SHOUTING) 28 00:01:33,557 --> 00:01:37,987 NADJA: We've been through about six... No, seven familiars this year. 29 00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,065 - Seven? - Yeah, remember Joey? 30 00:01:40,186 --> 00:01:42,456 No, my dear, I'm not that familiar. 31 00:01:42,524 --> 00:01:44,424 (BOTH LAUGH) 32 00:01:44,503 --> 00:01:46,103 No, don't you remember? 33 00:01:46,244 --> 00:01:48,378 His intestines came straight out of his bum. 34 00:01:48,487 --> 00:01:50,487 - Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah. - Mm. 35 00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:52,492 Not much new with me. I've been spending 36 00:01:52,517 --> 00:01:54,222 a lot more time in the upstairs bathroom. 37 00:01:54,261 --> 00:01:57,628 But besides that, my summer's been pretty mellow and... Ooh. 38 00:01:57,799 --> 00:01:59,417 - (CREATURE SQUEAKING) - There's this little guy. 39 00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:02,309 Here. I've been trying to make friends with him all summer. 40 00:02:02,347 --> 00:02:03,847 Don't be afraid. Come on in. 41 00:02:03,881 --> 00:02:06,338 (HISSES) 42 00:02:12,797 --> 00:02:14,179 Oh, sh... 43 00:02:14,205 --> 00:02:16,696 (MOANS, GRUNTS) 44 00:02:16,893 --> 00:02:19,368 That's the tenth vampire I killed this month. 45 00:02:19,401 --> 00:02:21,366 These vampire assassins keep trying to kill 46 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,968 Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo 47 00:02:22,993 --> 00:02:25,470 ever since they escaped from the Vampiric Council. 48 00:02:26,023 --> 00:02:27,540 I'm doing it to protect my master. 49 00:02:27,824 --> 00:02:30,171 But I can't tell him I'm a vampire killer, 50 00:02:30,235 --> 00:02:31,930 because then he'd have to kill me. 51 00:02:31,958 --> 00:02:34,759 - Guillermo, what are you doing? - Dusting. 52 00:02:34,784 --> 00:02:36,185 Well, can you dust more quietly please? 53 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:38,259 - I'm trying to sleep. - Okay. 54 00:02:39,611 --> 00:02:41,878 GUILLERMO: I haven't slept in 72 hours. I've been eating 55 00:02:41,903 --> 00:02:42,968 these chocolate-covered espresso beans. 56 00:02:42,993 --> 00:02:44,415 They give you enough pep just to keep going 57 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,540 and just keep going, going, going and pretend... 58 00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:46,565 - (THUDDING) - Ah! 59 00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:48,102 - NANDOR: Guillermo? - Someone's in here! 60 00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:49,188 Please don't open the door. 61 00:02:49,213 --> 00:02:51,243 NANDOR: Did you make a messy toilet again? 62 00:02:51,268 --> 00:02:53,993 GUILLERMO: I-I did. I-I had an accident. Whoopsie. 63 00:02:54,018 --> 00:02:56,743 - Well, actually, I just wanted to... - No, Master, don't open... 64 00:02:57,058 --> 00:02:59,110 Oh, Guillermo. 65 00:02:59,906 --> 00:03:02,548 You should really drink more water. 66 00:03:06,463 --> 00:03:08,529 ("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING) 67 00:03:08,554 --> 00:03:11,282 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 68 00:03:11,307 --> 00:03:14,009 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 69 00:03:14,034 --> 00:03:17,016 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 70 00:03:17,041 --> 00:03:19,375 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 71 00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:23,685 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 72 00:03:23,710 --> 00:03:26,563 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 73 00:03:26,588 --> 00:03:29,345 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 74 00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:32,470 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 75 00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:35,665 ♪ ♪ 76 00:03:35,853 --> 00:03:40,688 - Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com - 77 00:03:40,979 --> 00:03:42,845 Anyway, that is all in the past, 78 00:03:42,870 --> 00:03:45,437 because we have finally found us a good one. 79 00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:48,173 Topher, come in here! 80 00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:50,454 - Look at this. - Tophie! 81 00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,688 Your skull polish, madam. 82 00:03:52,713 --> 00:03:55,251 - I'll be right outside. - There he goes. 83 00:03:55,312 --> 00:03:58,346 Take care of business. Ooh. (LAUGHS) 84 00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,271 NADJA: Topher is an absolutely 85 00:04:00,318 --> 00:04:03,102 "Bob's your money" spectacular familiar. 86 00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:04,555 And his résumé 87 00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:06,109 is impeccable. 88 00:04:06,134 --> 00:04:08,535 LASZLO: It is. He is proficient in Excel. 89 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,007 And went to Lehigh. 90 00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:12,544 Now, my wife and I have not a whore's notion 91 00:04:12,569 --> 00:04:14,492 what any of that means. 92 00:04:14,649 --> 00:04:16,215 - But we like it. - (CHUCKLES) 93 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,840 Need any help with that, G-Money? 94 00:04:17,943 --> 00:04:19,642 Nah, I got it. 95 00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:22,137 It's like my father used to say. 96 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:25,141 "Never accept a towel from an Italian." 97 00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:27,664 - (LAUGHS): Yeah. Topher. - Very true, darling. 98 00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:29,064 - Master. - Watching you stretch 99 00:04:29,089 --> 00:04:30,875 your young body across that fireplace, 100 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,933 - you know who you remind me of? - Who, Master? 101 00:04:33,325 --> 00:04:35,125 - Me. - (LAUGHS) 102 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,416 - Bring it in. - (NADJA GASPS) 103 00:04:36,441 --> 00:04:38,007 - (LAUGHS) - You're the best. 104 00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:40,907 - NANDOR: Guillermo! Guillermo! - Y-Yes, Master? 105 00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,575 Yes? 106 00:04:43,353 --> 00:04:46,222 I dragged my cape through a street doo-doo again. 107 00:04:46,247 --> 00:04:48,345 I dragged it for three blocks before I noticed 108 00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,040 and I'm embarrassed to say I dragged it 109 00:04:50,065 --> 00:04:51,798 for another eight blocks after that. 110 00:04:51,823 --> 00:04:54,391 - Why did you do that, Master? - Well, I thought it would help, 111 00:04:54,549 --> 00:04:56,749 you know, drag the doo-doo off. 112 00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:58,728 - Anyway, take care of it please. - TOPHER: Hey, uh, 113 00:04:58,753 --> 00:05:00,790 - you want me to fly in with the assist? - NANDOR: No! 114 00:05:00,815 --> 00:05:02,446 TOPHER: That actually is a-a lot of shit on it. 115 00:05:02,471 --> 00:05:05,038 This is a good solo job for Guillermo. 116 00:05:05,063 --> 00:05:07,939 But thank you for the hustle, Topherino! 117 00:05:07,964 --> 00:05:09,268 - (LAUGHTER) - TOPHER: Look out. 118 00:05:09,395 --> 00:05:11,562 - Hustle...? - I don't think so. 119 00:05:12,272 --> 00:05:15,259 - NANDOR: It looks fantastic in here. - LASZLO: Doesn't it? 120 00:05:15,284 --> 00:05:17,376 - I could watch him clean all day. - NANDOR: Yes. 121 00:05:17,463 --> 00:05:19,361 TOPHER: All right, I'm glad to hear you say that. 122 00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:20,519 Uh-huh. 123 00:05:20,544 --> 00:05:21,931 (LAUGHS): All right. 124 00:05:21,956 --> 00:05:23,855 (LAUGHS): All right! Bye, Bobby. 125 00:05:24,102 --> 00:05:25,606 It's my little side hustle. 126 00:05:25,631 --> 00:05:28,993 I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this dope new line of hard ciders. 127 00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:32,689 - It's called Doze Apples Hard Cider. - (FORCED LAUGH) 128 00:05:32,714 --> 00:05:35,251 That's clever, 'cause it... They're made with apples. 129 00:05:35,306 --> 00:05:36,439 Apple flavoring, 130 00:05:36,564 --> 00:05:38,275 - we have to say. - Do Laszlo and Nadja 131 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,833 - know about this? - Eh. 132 00:05:39,858 --> 00:05:41,274 What they don't know can't hurt them. 133 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,524 - Am I right? High five. - I... 134 00:05:43,549 --> 00:05:44,931 Come on, dawg. Don't leave me hanging. 135 00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:45,968 - I don't know. Just... - Dawg. 136 00:05:45,993 --> 00:05:47,405 - With our job... - Don't leave me hanging, dawg. 137 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,814 - And we're just... - Dawg. Don't leave me hang... 138 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:51,322 - I just think that... - No, give me a better one, dawg. 139 00:05:51,347 --> 00:05:53,172 - I just think... - Again, high five! 140 00:05:53,197 --> 00:05:54,877 Oh, yeah. High five. 141 00:05:54,902 --> 00:05:56,212 I feel like there's a way 142 00:05:56,237 --> 00:05:58,698 to be cool... which you are, you're very cool... 143 00:05:58,723 --> 00:06:00,793 - Thank you. - And also, respectful, you know? 144 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,267 You need to let them know 145 00:06:02,292 --> 00:06:05,659 that you are worthy of being turned into a vampire someday. 146 00:06:05,684 --> 00:06:07,056 - Which is why we're here. - To be honest, 147 00:06:07,081 --> 00:06:08,780 I don't really care about being a vampire. 148 00:06:09,939 --> 00:06:11,113 I'm sorry, what? 149 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,139 Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised 150 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,085 that Topher does not want to be a vampire. 151 00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:16,856 (EXHALES) Who doesn't want to be a vampire? 152 00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:19,798 What are you doing if you don't... (EXHALES) 153 00:06:20,048 --> 00:06:22,092 - What-what do you want to be? - TOPHER: I don't know. 154 00:06:22,117 --> 00:06:23,549 Maybe a warlock. 155 00:06:23,574 --> 00:06:24,941 - That'd be cool. - That would be cool. 156 00:06:24,986 --> 00:06:26,685 That's, like, above vampire. 157 00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:28,439 Alla-kazoom! 158 00:06:28,464 --> 00:06:30,558 And it would explode or something. 159 00:06:30,859 --> 00:06:34,087 GUILLERMO: He's still learning. He's still finding himself. 160 00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:35,849 He'll get there. 161 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,230 So, these are like money. 162 00:06:38,262 --> 00:06:40,714 You go to any store that sells Doze Apples Hard Cider, 163 00:06:40,739 --> 00:06:43,028 pay for the cider with real money, but then, 164 00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:45,875 you mail in this card to the address there on the back. 165 00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:48,801 And I can explain this whole process 166 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,370 as I'm handing these out? 167 00:06:50,395 --> 00:06:52,233 Oh, yeah. Sometimes more than once. 168 00:06:52,258 --> 00:06:53,290 (DOORBELL RINGS) 169 00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:55,375 You know, if you want, you can drain me right now. 170 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,079 I'm, like, firing on all four cylinders, you know? 171 00:06:57,104 --> 00:06:59,504 You can crunch up as much as you want. I can make some more. 172 00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,284 I... Yeah, I want to, Topher, 173 00:07:01,309 --> 00:07:04,110 but I'm having a pickle of a time draining you. 174 00:07:04,135 --> 00:07:05,703 I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson. 175 00:07:05,728 --> 00:07:06,728 - (KNOCKING) - Like, 176 00:07:06,753 --> 00:07:08,132 I know you're trying to bore me... 177 00:07:08,157 --> 00:07:10,312 - Hang on. - (DOOR CREAKS) 178 00:07:10,339 --> 00:07:11,859 Come on in. 179 00:07:14,325 --> 00:07:17,188 The stuff that you tell me is just so interesting. 180 00:07:17,283 --> 00:07:18,476 You know? 181 00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:20,232 Sue me. 182 00:07:20,546 --> 00:07:22,945 - Who was at the door? - I don't know. 183 00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:24,023 Unbelievable. 184 00:07:24,453 --> 00:07:27,660 Topher? Topher, did you happen to let two vampires into the house? 185 00:07:27,685 --> 00:07:28,717 Hey, hang on, dawg. 186 00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:30,131 Look, there's a couple rules you need to follow. 187 00:07:30,156 --> 00:07:32,094 - I know you're new, okay, but... - Sorry, just, uh, 188 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,652 conferencing with this guy I used to intern for, 189 00:07:33,677 --> 00:07:35,810 this dope werewolf... You might know him, actually. 190 00:07:35,835 --> 00:07:38,265 First of all, werewolves are not dope, so I wouldn't know him. 191 00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:39,989 - Uh, this guy's pretty dope. - No. 192 00:07:40,014 --> 00:07:42,305 Look, I don't mean to be hard on you, but it's important 193 00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:44,209 you follow the rules for everyone's safety. 194 00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:45,896 Do me a favor and stay away from the koi pond. 195 00:07:45,921 --> 00:07:48,764 I think there's an electrical short from the heater, so just stay away from it... 196 00:07:48,789 --> 00:07:50,399 Have you tried turning it off and back on again? 197 00:07:50,424 --> 00:07:51,803 No, just don't touch it, Topher, okay? 198 00:07:51,828 --> 00:07:53,302 The electric guy's gonna be here on Monday. 199 00:07:53,327 --> 00:07:55,623 - Always works for me. - So just leave it alone... 200 00:07:58,177 --> 00:08:00,943 GUILLERMO: Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died. 201 00:08:01,284 --> 00:08:03,553 Another familiar dead, you know? 202 00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:06,759 But... that's the business. 203 00:08:06,784 --> 00:08:08,553 I'm used to it. 204 00:08:09,843 --> 00:08:11,677 That's bad, right? 205 00:08:18,311 --> 00:08:20,553 Death comes for us all. 206 00:08:20,953 --> 00:08:23,854 It comes for the bees. 207 00:08:23,965 --> 00:08:25,865 It comes for the trees. 208 00:08:25,929 --> 00:08:30,717 It comes for, uh, basically anyone from zero on up, 209 00:08:30,742 --> 00:08:33,014 so... one... 210 00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:34,482 LASZLO: Are you kidding? 211 00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:36,318 Two, three, four. 212 00:08:36,343 --> 00:08:37,976 Put a cork in it, Colin Robinson. 213 00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:40,341 - We're weak enough as it is. - NANDOR: Perhaps there is 214 00:08:40,366 --> 00:08:43,139 - a familiar killer on the loose? - NADJA: What? 215 00:08:43,164 --> 00:08:44,864 Well, I was just thinking, you know, 216 00:08:44,889 --> 00:08:46,736 if there are vampire killers, 217 00:08:46,763 --> 00:08:49,310 then why not familiar killers, also? 218 00:08:49,335 --> 00:08:51,782 There's no such thing as vampire killers, you knob lord. 219 00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:54,250 - Well... - What was that, Guillermo? 220 00:08:54,524 --> 00:08:56,024 I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt 221 00:08:56,049 --> 00:08:57,942 to be more cautious and alert. 222 00:08:57,967 --> 00:09:01,248 NADJA: Enough of this! This is horse piss. We are vampires. 223 00:09:01,273 --> 00:09:03,419 We can do better than this for our Topher. 224 00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:04,888 Guillermo, dig him up. 225 00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:05,935 Yes. 226 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,258 Please be respectful of his mud. 227 00:09:08,651 --> 00:09:10,384 A necromancer is someone 228 00:09:10,409 --> 00:09:12,178 who can reanimate the dead. 229 00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:15,378 It's a truly fantastical part of the dark arts. 230 00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:17,767 And I happen to have a very good old pal 231 00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:19,643 - Wallace... - (SCOFFS) 232 00:09:20,113 --> 00:09:23,881 who is excellently proficient in the art of necromancy. 233 00:09:23,906 --> 00:09:27,033 No, he's excellent, at the dark art of ripping you off. 234 00:09:27,058 --> 00:09:28,568 - (GROANS) - These people are shysters. 235 00:09:28,593 --> 00:09:30,572 They're obsessed with the upsell. 236 00:09:31,461 --> 00:09:33,961 I'm sure his hut is around here somewhere. 237 00:09:33,986 --> 00:09:36,118 It's a classic necromancer scam. 238 00:09:36,247 --> 00:09:39,193 "Meet me at my hut." What bloody hut? 239 00:09:39,218 --> 00:09:40,231 (SIGHS) 240 00:09:40,256 --> 00:09:42,780 (GASPS) There it is. I'm certain of it. 241 00:09:42,805 --> 00:09:45,467 Look at all those pale, desperate wretches 242 00:09:45,492 --> 00:09:47,092 scurrying around in the moonlight. 243 00:09:47,117 --> 00:09:48,842 It's a performing arts school. 244 00:09:48,867 --> 00:09:52,023 COLIN: Hey, a high school production of Thornton Wilder's 245 00:09:52,048 --> 00:09:54,778 Our Town with a Q and A afterwards. (CHUCKLES) 246 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:57,370 - Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum. - WALLACE: You seek 247 00:09:57,395 --> 00:09:58,951 the necromancer? 248 00:09:59,485 --> 00:10:01,185 LASZLO: What the...? 249 00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,853 I am they. 250 00:10:02,878 --> 00:10:04,390 (LAUGHS): Hello, Wallace! 251 00:10:04,415 --> 00:10:05,881 (GRUNTING, LAUGHING) 252 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:08,053 NADJA: Come on, everyone! 253 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,554 WALLACE: I've got a lovely pot of stew if anyone's hungry. 254 00:10:10,579 --> 00:10:11,579 LASZLO: No. 255 00:10:11,604 --> 00:10:14,467 I see you admiring my wares. Anything tickle your fancy? 256 00:10:14,492 --> 00:10:15,537 - No. - NADJA: Hush. 257 00:10:15,562 --> 00:10:18,489 These bracelets ward off the evil eye. 258 00:10:18,514 --> 00:10:20,933 - NADJA: Ooh. Ooh. - This one attracts the evil eye. 259 00:10:20,958 --> 00:10:24,037 And this one increases sexual stamina. Yeah. 260 00:10:24,062 --> 00:10:25,407 (NADJA LAUGHS) 261 00:10:25,432 --> 00:10:27,064 You could do with a leg up. 262 00:10:27,142 --> 00:10:29,969 And these are key chains that look like license plates. 263 00:10:29,994 --> 00:10:31,024 NADJA: Uh-huh. 264 00:10:31,049 --> 00:10:32,515 LASZLO: Look, mister, we are not interested 265 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,549 in your tricks and trinkets. 266 00:10:34,574 --> 00:10:37,869 This one would make a cute gift for a man named Steve. 267 00:10:37,894 --> 00:10:40,376 NADJA: Yes, yes, yes, but, Wallace, what we are here for 268 00:10:40,401 --> 00:10:41,906 is we were hoping you could reanimate 269 00:10:41,931 --> 00:10:44,008 our beloved familiar Topher. 270 00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:46,283 Yes, uh, how long has he been dead? 271 00:10:46,308 --> 00:10:48,494 - Huh? - Oh, that is Guillermo. 272 00:10:48,519 --> 00:10:51,253 He is not dead, although sometimes we wish he was. 273 00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:53,103 (LAUGHTER) 274 00:10:53,128 --> 00:10:55,317 Just a little joke there, Guillermo, 275 00:10:55,342 --> 00:10:56,658 I got it. 276 00:10:56,912 --> 00:10:58,728 All right, so, uh, where's the carcass? 277 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:02,081 Yes. Guillermo, fetch the carcass. 278 00:11:02,466 --> 00:11:04,611 - The what? - The carcass. 279 00:11:04,677 --> 00:11:07,918 - The cadaver, man. - I'll go get the body. 280 00:11:08,138 --> 00:11:09,629 NANDOR: What was that? 281 00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:11,668 I'll go get the carcass. 282 00:11:11,693 --> 00:11:12,992 NANDOR: Better. 283 00:11:13,124 --> 00:11:14,966 (GRUNTING) 284 00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:22,057 And did you bring a personal item belonging to the deceased? 285 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,064 Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge. 286 00:11:24,089 --> 00:11:26,338 Uh, Guillermo, you did bring the mini-fridge, yeah? 287 00:11:26,414 --> 00:11:29,556 He absolutely loved this cold, white little box. 288 00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:31,470 And the foot of a deranged cat, 289 00:11:31,495 --> 00:11:34,449 the night-thistle, the parcel of wolf's-bane 290 00:11:34,474 --> 00:11:36,989 and the $350 cash? 291 00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:38,782 - Thank you. - It's all there, 292 00:11:38,807 --> 00:11:39,973 razzle-dazzle man. 293 00:11:39,998 --> 00:11:42,346 Good, good. I can't stress enough 294 00:11:42,371 --> 00:11:44,404 the $350 cash. 295 00:11:44,429 --> 00:11:47,130 - Yeah, I'll bet you can't. - Otherwise, the spells don't work. 296 00:11:47,155 --> 00:11:49,022 Wallace, do you think we are going to get 297 00:11:49,047 --> 00:11:52,542 - our beloved Topher back? - Well, he seems well preserved. 298 00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:55,698 Everything seems to want to... seems to be intact. 299 00:11:55,862 --> 00:11:57,448 He hasn't had that, uh, 300 00:11:57,473 --> 00:11:59,177 intestines out of the asshole, has he? 301 00:11:59,202 --> 00:12:00,510 - No, no. - Good, 302 00:12:00,535 --> 00:12:02,538 'cause that really yucks me out. 303 00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:05,198 Right, then, here we go. Hold on to your hats. 304 00:12:05,582 --> 00:12:08,315 (EXHALES DRAMATICALLY) 305 00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,260 - (CLANG REVERBERATES) - (GROWLS) 306 00:12:11,042 --> 00:12:12,647 (SNORTING) 307 00:12:12,927 --> 00:12:15,026 Yes! You're alive! 308 00:12:15,121 --> 00:12:16,654 You can jive! 309 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:18,197 Your spirit rise! 310 00:12:18,312 --> 00:12:20,115 ♪ The light has gone ♪ 311 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,617 ♪ Out of your eyes ♪ 312 00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:22,994 ♪ What a surprise ♪ 313 00:12:23,128 --> 00:12:24,846 - ♪ Yah! ♪ - Is he scatting? 314 00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:26,081 No, of course not. 315 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,325 ♪ Zippidee-dop ♪ 316 00:12:27,358 --> 00:12:28,874 ♪ A-zippidee-doo ♪ 317 00:12:28,899 --> 00:12:31,003 ♪ A-zippidee-zop-zop, wabada-boo... ♪ 318 00:12:31,028 --> 00:12:32,470 - (SCATTING CONTINUES) - This is bullshit. 319 00:12:32,495 --> 00:12:33,830 (WHISPERS): Shut up. 320 00:12:33,855 --> 00:12:35,057 ♪ Ooh-eh ♪ 321 00:12:35,082 --> 00:12:36,518 (CHANTING GIBBERISH) 322 00:12:36,543 --> 00:12:38,925 - Oh-pah! - (THUNDER CRASHES) 323 00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:42,097 (RHYTHMIC CHANTING) 324 00:12:42,741 --> 00:12:44,474 (CHANTING CONTINUES) 325 00:12:44,552 --> 00:12:45,984 (THUNDER CRASHING) 326 00:12:46,025 --> 00:12:49,049 - (PHONE CHIMES) - Zombra, zombra, zombra. 327 00:12:49,074 --> 00:12:50,730 Zambra, zombra. 328 00:12:50,755 --> 00:12:52,073 Why is he looking at his phone? 329 00:12:52,098 --> 00:12:53,979 It probably just can't wait. It's an emergency. 330 00:12:54,018 --> 00:12:57,570 Z-Zombra, zambra, zombra, zombra, zombra. 331 00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,363 Zombarisa... (GRUNTING) 332 00:13:00,509 --> 00:13:02,565 Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai, hai, hai! 333 00:13:02,662 --> 00:13:04,292 Ba-boom! 334 00:13:04,858 --> 00:13:05,939 - Oh! - Ew! 335 00:13:05,964 --> 00:13:07,306 Get in, you bastard! 336 00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:11,077 The end. I have achieved reanimation. 337 00:13:11,109 --> 00:13:13,422 (PANTS) Your beloved familiar 338 00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:15,087 will return to you tomorrow. 339 00:13:15,112 --> 00:13:17,478 - Tomorrow? - Life takes time, my friend. 340 00:13:17,503 --> 00:13:21,313 We are reversing the very power of nature itself. 341 00:13:21,338 --> 00:13:22,938 But there's a-a quickening ritual, 342 00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:24,721 if you want to chivvy things along. 343 00:13:24,761 --> 00:13:26,760 As we're all friends, I could do it for a hundy. 344 00:13:26,785 --> 00:13:28,867 No, you bloody won't. We're not interested. 345 00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,978 (CLICKS TONGUE) Thank you so very much, Wallace. 346 00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:32,883 ♪ Zappidee-doo. ♪ 347 00:13:32,908 --> 00:13:35,109 Zappidee-doo. 348 00:13:40,892 --> 00:13:43,715 Everything is back to normal, because our Topher is back! 349 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,266 It's true. I've got to admit, 350 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:48,892 Wallace, as contemptible a man as he is, 351 00:13:48,917 --> 00:13:52,652 - actually came up trumps. - (FAKE COUGHING): Told you so. 352 00:13:52,763 --> 00:13:55,948 (FAKE COUGHING) You fucking didn't. 353 00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:58,297 Don't tell Guillermo, but... 354 00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:01,467 I'm so happy Topher is back. 355 00:14:02,378 --> 00:14:05,179 All right, let us begin with the minutes. 356 00:14:05,503 --> 00:14:07,036 I am here. 357 00:14:07,091 --> 00:14:09,191 Guillermo, you are there. 358 00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:10,756 And, um... 359 00:14:10,781 --> 00:14:12,781 TOPHER (GROWLING): To-pher! 360 00:14:12,806 --> 00:14:14,293 NADJA (LAUGHS): Oh, Tophie! 361 00:14:14,318 --> 00:14:16,331 And there is Topher. Wonderful. 362 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,115 We are all here. We can begin. 363 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:20,954 Firstly... and I'm not naming names... 364 00:14:20,979 --> 00:14:23,963 But I have recently noticed that the house reeks 365 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,823 of decaying flesh, and there are dead birds everywhere. 366 00:14:26,848 --> 00:14:27,979 TOPHER: Topher! 367 00:14:28,004 --> 00:14:29,737 As I say, I'm not naming names. 368 00:14:29,762 --> 00:14:31,213 But if we do have an issue, 369 00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,415 then it's important that we all work together 370 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,393 to let Guillermo know, so that he can fix it. 371 00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:37,837 TOPHER: Doze Apples! 372 00:14:37,929 --> 00:14:41,256 - (GIGGLES) - (TOPHER SNARLING) 373 00:14:41,344 --> 00:14:42,716 LASZLO: Off he goes. 374 00:14:42,741 --> 00:14:44,338 That chap's tireless, isn't he? 375 00:14:44,363 --> 00:14:47,297 You could learn something from Topher, no, Guillermo? 376 00:14:47,322 --> 00:14:49,604 I actually have an order of business I'd like to discuss. 377 00:14:49,629 --> 00:14:51,057 - Oh... - NANDOR: Okay. 378 00:14:51,082 --> 00:14:53,149 - The floor is yours. - I'm a little bit concerned 379 00:14:53,174 --> 00:14:54,298 about Topher. 380 00:14:54,323 --> 00:14:56,188 I think there might be something 381 00:14:56,213 --> 00:14:58,198 - really wrong with him. - (RASPY PANTING) 382 00:14:58,223 --> 00:15:01,083 - Topher! Aah! - (WHIMPERS) 383 00:15:01,115 --> 00:15:02,544 He waits under my bed 384 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,091 - and tries to bite me, for one. - NANDOR: Yes. 385 00:15:04,116 --> 00:15:05,654 He eats live birds and insects. 386 00:15:05,679 --> 00:15:07,677 I think, I think he might be a zombie. 387 00:15:07,803 --> 00:15:09,826 (FLY BUZZING) 388 00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:12,403 That, my boy, sounds like slander. 389 00:15:12,428 --> 00:15:14,623 Nandor, what are you going to do about the state of the muck 390 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,551 - pouring out of his mouth? - Guillermo, 391 00:15:16,576 --> 00:15:18,060 do you have any proof of this wild accusation? 392 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,880 - (SNARLING) - Aah! 393 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,832 Well, do you? 394 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,419 He's not well! 395 00:15:26,444 --> 00:15:27,966 - He's freaking out. - Yes! 396 00:15:27,991 --> 00:15:29,989 He's gonna eat me! Dios mío! 397 00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:31,387 LASZLO: Well, now he's speaking in tongues. 398 00:15:31,412 --> 00:15:32,958 That is awful of you to call Topher 399 00:15:32,983 --> 00:15:34,393 those things you just did. 400 00:15:34,418 --> 00:15:36,019 (RASPY YELLING) 401 00:15:37,526 --> 00:15:38,872 Exactly. 402 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,648 Guillermo, have you been getting enough sleep? 403 00:15:41,673 --> 00:15:44,294 (LAUGHING): No. No, I am not getting any sleep! 404 00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:45,935 I haven't slept in the last two weeks, 405 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,908 because I have to keep one eye open to protect you guys! 406 00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:51,618 - (LAUGHS) - Protect us from what? 407 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,287 Nothing. 408 00:15:56,381 --> 00:15:58,263 I just wish you guys knew how hard I work for you, 409 00:15:58,288 --> 00:16:00,503 and you don't, so that's okay, never mind, forget it. 410 00:16:01,713 --> 00:16:03,299 Did you see that? 411 00:16:03,347 --> 00:16:06,435 - He was eating his own dry poops. - (GROANS) 412 00:16:12,373 --> 00:16:14,372 The vampire assassins usually come at night, 413 00:16:14,397 --> 00:16:16,186 so I have to constantly survey the perimeter. 414 00:16:16,317 --> 00:16:18,818 (CLATTERING IN DISTANCE) 415 00:16:18,998 --> 00:16:20,998 ♪ ♪ 416 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,903 (SNARLS) Topher! 417 00:16:38,928 --> 00:16:41,455 Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no! 418 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,113 I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna... 419 00:16:43,138 --> 00:16:44,471 (FIERCE YELLING) 420 00:16:44,496 --> 00:16:47,319 - (RASPY GROANING) - (PANTING) 421 00:16:48,669 --> 00:16:50,035 Sorry. Sorry. 422 00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:52,952 (HIGH-PITCHED): Why...? 423 00:16:52,977 --> 00:16:56,579 Sorry, buddy, but you were trying to kill me. 424 00:16:57,977 --> 00:16:59,877 High five. 425 00:16:59,955 --> 00:17:01,754 I don't know, bud. 426 00:17:01,779 --> 00:17:03,764 - Come on! - Okay. All right. 427 00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:05,698 - Aw, shit. - (GROANS) 428 00:17:06,074 --> 00:17:07,825 - Why?! - Sorry, Toph. 429 00:17:07,850 --> 00:17:09,498 See, that's why I didn't want to do that. 430 00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:11,647 - Toph. - (AGONIZED GROANING) 431 00:17:11,672 --> 00:17:14,233 No, buddy, I don't think it's gonna go back on there, bud. 432 00:17:14,258 --> 00:17:16,186 (GRUNTS) High five! 433 00:17:16,211 --> 00:17:18,601 No, I'm not gonna high-five you anymore. 434 00:17:18,626 --> 00:17:19,725 High five! 435 00:17:19,750 --> 00:17:21,583 Ow, Toph! That really hurt! 436 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,319 - High five! - Stop it, you... 437 00:17:23,344 --> 00:17:25,177 You're being really rude right now! 438 00:17:25,202 --> 00:17:27,048 - (SNARLING) - Stop it! Stop it! 439 00:17:27,722 --> 00:17:30,436 Stop it, Topher. Stop it, Topher! 440 00:17:30,461 --> 00:17:32,998 - (GRUNTING, YELLING) - Stop it, Topher! 441 00:17:33,023 --> 00:17:34,722 Aw, fuck no! 442 00:17:34,824 --> 00:17:37,640 No one bites Guillermo! 443 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,936 (WHISPERS): It was an accident. 444 00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:46,056 All right, dudes, I'm headed out. 445 00:17:46,081 --> 00:17:49,069 Going up to Albany to catch a community theater production 446 00:17:49,094 --> 00:17:50,427 of Pippin. 447 00:17:50,452 --> 00:17:52,113 (SNARLING) 448 00:17:54,225 --> 00:17:56,577 What's going on with, uh, Toph-Dawg? 449 00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,534 I think he's a zombie. 450 00:17:58,566 --> 00:18:00,032 Yeah, could be. 451 00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:01,709 - See you guys later. - (SNARLING) 452 00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:04,085 (CHUCKLES): You goofballs. 453 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,080 (SNARLS, GROWLS) 454 00:18:08,683 --> 00:18:11,509 - (GUILLERMO GASPING) - (YELLING) 455 00:18:16,353 --> 00:18:17,686 GUILLERMO: No! 456 00:18:17,711 --> 00:18:20,434 Why won't you die?! 457 00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,648 Stop it! Stop it! 458 00:18:25,818 --> 00:18:27,148 Ow! 459 00:18:27,827 --> 00:18:30,194 Jesus fucking...! 460 00:18:31,429 --> 00:18:33,947 Topher! 461 00:18:38,787 --> 00:18:41,187 (SCREAMS) Guillermo! 462 00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:43,040 (HISSING) 463 00:18:43,065 --> 00:18:44,931 GUILLERMO: Master... 464 00:18:44,956 --> 00:18:46,723 you saved me. 465 00:18:46,748 --> 00:18:48,114 Thank you. 466 00:18:48,408 --> 00:18:50,881 Your screaming disturbed me from my slumber. 467 00:18:50,909 --> 00:18:52,447 You shouldn't be putting your head in there. 468 00:18:52,472 --> 00:18:53,608 It's not hygienic. 469 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,428 If you want to wash yourself, do it in... 470 00:18:55,454 --> 00:18:56,987 Will you stop that! 471 00:18:57,140 --> 00:19:00,224 - (SNARLING) - I've had enough of this. 472 00:19:03,657 --> 00:19:06,604 He was a good familiar and a fine fellow. 473 00:19:06,882 --> 00:19:09,466 - But what is done is done. - (TOPHER GRUNTS) 474 00:19:09,491 --> 00:19:10,724 (GUILLERMO SCREAMING) 475 00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,082 This fuckin' guy. 476 00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:14,321 (YELLING) 477 00:19:19,302 --> 00:19:21,936 He was a good familiar and a fine fellow. 478 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,574 But what is done is done. 479 00:19:23,599 --> 00:19:24,932 (SCREAMING) 480 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,585 Are you kidding me with this right now? 481 00:19:27,896 --> 00:19:30,558 Just give him a few jolts. I'll be fine. 482 00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:33,293 He was a good familiar and a fine fellow. 483 00:19:33,318 --> 00:19:34,597 (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) 484 00:19:34,622 --> 00:19:36,593 Kind of tickles. 485 00:19:37,388 --> 00:19:38,929 (TOPHER SNARLING) 486 00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:40,996 You conned us, you slippery bastard! 487 00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:42,807 Wallace, how could you do this to us? 488 00:19:42,832 --> 00:19:45,477 Yeah, plus, he was crawling on the ceiling, which is odd. 489 00:19:45,502 --> 00:19:47,635 - Well, he didn't do that before? - NADJA: Of course not! 490 00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:50,652 Well, okay, I must have used the wrong incantation spell. 491 00:19:50,677 --> 00:19:52,574 But you know what? No extra charge. 492 00:19:52,599 --> 00:19:54,106 Bullshit! You made it up as you were going along. 493 00:19:54,131 --> 00:19:56,832 No, no, no, no, that was word-for-word verbatim. 494 00:19:56,857 --> 00:19:59,091 No. You were bloody texting on your phone the whole time! 495 00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,082 It was an Amber Alert. 496 00:20:01,107 --> 00:20:02,551 Well, I did think it was important. 497 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,872 He is damaged goods, and we demand satisfaction! 498 00:20:06,065 --> 00:20:08,761 - (TOPHER SNARLING) - Not cool, Wallace, not cool. 499 00:20:08,786 --> 00:20:11,005 - Fine. Let me have him. - What, do you think 500 00:20:11,030 --> 00:20:12,864 I'm gonna let him go? You must be out of your mind. 501 00:20:12,889 --> 00:20:14,882 - (WHISTLES) - (STOPS SNARLING) 502 00:20:15,417 --> 00:20:16,716 Come here, boy. 503 00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:18,552 Come on, come on. 504 00:20:19,744 --> 00:20:22,111 That'll do, pig, that'll do. 505 00:20:22,136 --> 00:20:23,669 - Wow. - All right, 506 00:20:23,694 --> 00:20:25,327 I don't normally do refunds, 507 00:20:25,352 --> 00:20:27,478 but I'll take him off your hands for you. 508 00:20:27,503 --> 00:20:29,021 And for your trouble, 509 00:20:29,150 --> 00:20:32,351 each of you can grab a license plate key chain. 510 00:20:32,742 --> 00:20:34,418 For free? 511 00:20:34,473 --> 00:20:35,906 Free. Gratis. 512 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,196 Okay. 513 00:20:37,773 --> 00:20:38,988 Come on! 514 00:20:39,013 --> 00:20:41,848 - Oh. "Ingrid." Oh. - NANDOR: I got... 515 00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,205 "Steve." 516 00:20:43,835 --> 00:20:46,231 So if you're watching, Steve... 517 00:20:47,476 --> 00:20:49,099 waiting for you. 518 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,200 Ah. 519 00:20:50,225 --> 00:20:51,609 NADJA: I got "Nadia," uh, 520 00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:55,047 which is my name, but with a less exciting "J." 521 00:20:55,199 --> 00:20:56,645 Completely free. 522 00:20:56,670 --> 00:20:58,075 You don't have "Colin." 523 00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,919 We haven't sold any since 1979, mate. 524 00:21:00,944 --> 00:21:02,521 But you have "Condom." 525 00:21:02,546 --> 00:21:04,723 Very, very popular. 526 00:21:04,854 --> 00:21:07,005 - Can I take one? - Go for it. 527 00:21:07,030 --> 00:21:08,161 GUILLERMO: So I got... 528 00:21:08,186 --> 00:21:09,419 "Gigi." 529 00:21:10,316 --> 00:21:12,675 I guess that's better than "Gizmo." 530 00:21:15,972 --> 00:21:18,695 Being a familiar isn't for everyone. 531 00:21:18,757 --> 00:21:22,325 You're not always thanked or praised. 532 00:21:22,552 --> 00:21:25,380 But after my master saved my life, 533 00:21:25,438 --> 00:21:28,621 he proved to me that... he really does care about me 534 00:21:28,673 --> 00:21:30,623 and all the things I do for him. 535 00:21:31,213 --> 00:21:35,171 And if one day he doesn't, well... 536 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:46,639 - Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com - 39252

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