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NADJA: So, yes, it has
been quite a summer.
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00:00:25,273 --> 00:00:28,007
- We finally got a new familiar.
- Yeah.
3
00:00:28,046 --> 00:00:30,656
- But he had an accident and died.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:30,685 --> 00:00:33,218
- Left a bit. Left a bit more.
- (SHEARS CLIPPING)
5
00:00:33,284 --> 00:00:34,716
It's not even.
6
00:00:34,807 --> 00:00:36,473
(SCREAMS)
7
00:00:36,498 --> 00:00:38,832
Ooh. Shit.
8
00:00:38,898 --> 00:00:41,168
So we found another one
and she had an accident
9
00:00:41,230 --> 00:00:43,002
and she died.
10
00:00:43,105 --> 00:00:44,738
- (SHRIEKS)
- Oh, fuck.
11
00:00:44,763 --> 00:00:47,174
- (SCREAMING)
- (WATER SPLASHES)
12
00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:51,872
I had what is known as a
summer of self-discovery.
13
00:00:51,923 --> 00:00:54,305
I was being a vapor
14
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,809
and I got sucked into an air purifier.
15
00:01:00,215 --> 00:01:01,896
But apart from that,
16
00:01:01,949 --> 00:01:03,815
pretty slow summer.
17
00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:06,819
And then the same thing
happened with the next one.
18
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,808
I spent so much time at the DMV
19
00:01:10,833 --> 00:01:13,010
they finally just gave me a license.
20
00:01:13,035 --> 00:01:16,144
I did what any young,
handsome man would do,
21
00:01:16,169 --> 00:01:18,830
I went and bought a classic convertible,
22
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,292
put the top down, blasted
some tunes and, uh,
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00:01:23,432 --> 00:01:25,800
I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.
24
00:01:25,825 --> 00:01:27,456
- (HORNS HONKING)
- This is gonna ruin my day,
25
00:01:27,481 --> 00:01:29,276
too, you know.
26
00:01:29,478 --> 00:01:31,472
- And then the next one.
- Yep.
27
00:01:31,748 --> 00:01:33,448
(SHOUTING)
28
00:01:33,557 --> 00:01:37,987
NADJA: We've been through about six...
No, seven familiars this year.
29
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,065
- Seven?
- Yeah, remember Joey?
30
00:01:40,186 --> 00:01:42,456
No, my dear, I'm not that familiar.
31
00:01:42,524 --> 00:01:44,424
(BOTH LAUGH)
32
00:01:44,503 --> 00:01:46,103
No, don't you remember?
33
00:01:46,244 --> 00:01:48,378
His intestines came
straight out of his bum.
34
00:01:48,487 --> 00:01:50,487
- Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah.
- Mm.
35
00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:52,492
Not much new with me. I've been spending
36
00:01:52,517 --> 00:01:54,222
a lot more time in the
upstairs bathroom.
37
00:01:54,261 --> 00:01:57,628
But besides that, my summer's
been pretty mellow and... Ooh.
38
00:01:57,799 --> 00:01:59,417
- (CREATURE SQUEAKING)
- There's this little guy.
39
00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:02,309
Here. I've been trying to make
friends with him all summer.
40
00:02:02,347 --> 00:02:03,847
Don't be afraid. Come on in.
41
00:02:03,881 --> 00:02:06,338
(HISSES)
42
00:02:12,797 --> 00:02:14,179
Oh, sh...
43
00:02:14,205 --> 00:02:16,696
(MOANS, GRUNTS)
44
00:02:16,893 --> 00:02:19,368
That's the tenth vampire
I killed this month.
45
00:02:19,401 --> 00:02:21,366
These vampire assassins
keep trying to kill
46
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,968
Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo
47
00:02:22,993 --> 00:02:25,470
ever since they escaped
from the Vampiric Council.
48
00:02:26,023 --> 00:02:27,540
I'm doing it to protect my master.
49
00:02:27,824 --> 00:02:30,171
But I can't tell him
I'm a vampire killer,
50
00:02:30,235 --> 00:02:31,930
because then he'd have to kill me.
51
00:02:31,958 --> 00:02:34,759
- Guillermo, what are you doing?
- Dusting.
52
00:02:34,784 --> 00:02:36,185
Well, can you dust more quietly please?
53
00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:38,259
- I'm trying to sleep.
- Okay.
54
00:02:39,611 --> 00:02:41,878
GUILLERMO: I haven't slept in 72 hours.
I've been eating
55
00:02:41,903 --> 00:02:42,968
these chocolate-covered espresso beans.
56
00:02:42,993 --> 00:02:44,415
They give you enough
pep just to keep going
57
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,540
and just keep going, going,
going and pretend...
58
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:46,565
- (THUDDING)
- Ah!
59
00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:48,102
- NANDOR: Guillermo?
- Someone's in here!
60
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:49,188
Please don't open the door.
61
00:02:49,213 --> 00:02:51,243
NANDOR: Did you make a
messy toilet again?
62
00:02:51,268 --> 00:02:53,993
GUILLERMO: I-I did. I-I had an accident.
Whoopsie.
63
00:02:54,018 --> 00:02:56,743
- Well, actually, I just wanted to...
- No, Master, don't open...
64
00:02:57,058 --> 00:02:59,110
Oh, Guillermo.
65
00:02:59,906 --> 00:03:02,548
You should really drink more water.
66
00:03:06,463 --> 00:03:08,529
("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)
67
00:03:08,554 --> 00:03:11,282
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
68
00:03:11,307 --> 00:03:14,009
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
69
00:03:14,034 --> 00:03:17,016
♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
70
00:03:17,041 --> 00:03:19,375
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
71
00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:23,685
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
72
00:03:23,710 --> 00:03:26,563
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
73
00:03:26,588 --> 00:03:29,345
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
74
00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:32,470
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
75
00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:35,665
♪ ♪
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- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
77
00:03:40,979 --> 00:03:42,845
Anyway, that is all in the past,
78
00:03:42,870 --> 00:03:45,437
because we have finally
found us a good one.
79
00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:48,173
Topher, come in here!
80
00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:50,454
- Look at this.
- Tophie!
81
00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,688
Your skull polish, madam.
82
00:03:52,713 --> 00:03:55,251
- I'll be right outside.
- There he goes.
83
00:03:55,312 --> 00:03:58,346
Take care of business. Ooh. (LAUGHS)
84
00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,271
NADJA: Topher is an absolutely
85
00:04:00,318 --> 00:04:03,102
"Bob's your money" spectacular familiar.
86
00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:04,555
And his résumé
87
00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:06,109
is impeccable.
88
00:04:06,134 --> 00:04:08,535
LASZLO: It is. He is
proficient in Excel.
89
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,007
And went to Lehigh.
90
00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:12,544
Now, my wife and I have
not a whore's notion
91
00:04:12,569 --> 00:04:14,492
what any of that means.
92
00:04:14,649 --> 00:04:16,215
- But we like it.
- (CHUCKLES)
93
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,840
Need any help with that, G-Money?
94
00:04:17,943 --> 00:04:19,642
Nah, I got it.
95
00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:22,137
It's like my father used to say.
96
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:25,141
"Never accept a towel from an Italian."
97
00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:27,664
- (LAUGHS): Yeah. Topher.
- Very true, darling.
98
00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:29,064
- Master.
- Watching you stretch
99
00:04:29,089 --> 00:04:30,875
your young body across that fireplace,
100
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,933
- you know who you remind me of?
- Who, Master?
101
00:04:33,325 --> 00:04:35,125
- Me.
- (LAUGHS)
102
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,416
- Bring it in.
- (NADJA GASPS)
103
00:04:36,441 --> 00:04:38,007
- (LAUGHS)
- You're the best.
104
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:40,907
- NANDOR: Guillermo! Guillermo!
- Y-Yes, Master?
105
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,575
Yes?
106
00:04:43,353 --> 00:04:46,222
I dragged my cape through
a street doo-doo again.
107
00:04:46,247 --> 00:04:48,345
I dragged it for three
blocks before I noticed
108
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,040
and I'm embarrassed to say I dragged it
109
00:04:50,065 --> 00:04:51,798
for another eight blocks after that.
110
00:04:51,823 --> 00:04:54,391
- Why did you do that, Master?
- Well, I thought it would help,
111
00:04:54,549 --> 00:04:56,749
you know, drag the doo-doo off.
112
00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:58,728
- Anyway, take care of it please.
- TOPHER: Hey, uh,
113
00:04:58,753 --> 00:05:00,790
- you want me to fly in with the assist?
- NANDOR: No!
114
00:05:00,815 --> 00:05:02,446
TOPHER: That actually is
a-a lot of shit on it.
115
00:05:02,471 --> 00:05:05,038
This is a good solo job for Guillermo.
116
00:05:05,063 --> 00:05:07,939
But thank you for the hustle, Topherino!
117
00:05:07,964 --> 00:05:09,268
- (LAUGHTER)
- TOPHER: Look out.
118
00:05:09,395 --> 00:05:11,562
- Hustle...?
- I don't think so.
119
00:05:12,272 --> 00:05:15,259
- NANDOR: It looks fantastic in here.
- LASZLO: Doesn't it?
120
00:05:15,284 --> 00:05:17,376
- I could watch him clean all day.
- NANDOR: Yes.
121
00:05:17,463 --> 00:05:19,361
TOPHER: All right, I'm
glad to hear you say that.
122
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:20,519
Uh-huh.
123
00:05:20,544 --> 00:05:21,931
(LAUGHS): All right.
124
00:05:21,956 --> 00:05:23,855
(LAUGHS): All right! Bye, Bobby.
125
00:05:24,102 --> 00:05:25,606
It's my little side hustle.
126
00:05:25,631 --> 00:05:28,993
I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this
dope new line of hard ciders.
127
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:32,689
- It's called Doze Apples Hard Cider.
- (FORCED LAUGH)
128
00:05:32,714 --> 00:05:35,251
That's clever, 'cause it...
They're made with apples.
129
00:05:35,306 --> 00:05:36,439
Apple flavoring,
130
00:05:36,564 --> 00:05:38,275
- we have to say.
- Do Laszlo and Nadja
131
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,833
- know about this?
- Eh.
132
00:05:39,858 --> 00:05:41,274
What they don't know can't hurt them.
133
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,524
- Am I right? High five.
- I...
134
00:05:43,549 --> 00:05:44,931
Come on, dawg. Don't leave me hanging.
135
00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:45,968
- I don't know. Just...
- Dawg.
136
00:05:45,993 --> 00:05:47,405
- With our job...
- Don't leave me hanging, dawg.
137
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,814
- And we're just...
- Dawg. Don't leave me hang...
138
00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:51,322
- I just think that...
- No, give me a better one, dawg.
139
00:05:51,347 --> 00:05:53,172
- I just think...
- Again, high five!
140
00:05:53,197 --> 00:05:54,877
Oh, yeah. High five.
141
00:05:54,902 --> 00:05:56,212
I feel like there's a way
142
00:05:56,237 --> 00:05:58,698
to be cool... which you
are, you're very cool...
143
00:05:58,723 --> 00:06:00,793
- Thank you.
- And also, respectful, you know?
144
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,267
You need to let them know
145
00:06:02,292 --> 00:06:05,659
that you are worthy of being
turned into a vampire someday.
146
00:06:05,684 --> 00:06:07,056
- Which is why we're here.
- To be honest,
147
00:06:07,081 --> 00:06:08,780
I don't really care
about being a vampire.
148
00:06:09,939 --> 00:06:11,113
I'm sorry, what?
149
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,139
Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised
150
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,085
that Topher does not
want to be a vampire.
151
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:16,856
(EXHALES) Who doesn't
want to be a vampire?
152
00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:19,798
What are you doing if you don't...
(EXHALES)
153
00:06:20,048 --> 00:06:22,092
- What-what do you want to be?
- TOPHER: I don't know.
154
00:06:22,117 --> 00:06:23,549
Maybe a warlock.
155
00:06:23,574 --> 00:06:24,941
- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.
156
00:06:24,986 --> 00:06:26,685
That's, like, above vampire.
157
00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:28,439
Alla-kazoom!
158
00:06:28,464 --> 00:06:30,558
And it would explode or something.
159
00:06:30,859 --> 00:06:34,087
GUILLERMO: He's still learning.
He's still finding himself.
160
00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:35,849
He'll get there.
161
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,230
So, these are like money.
162
00:06:38,262 --> 00:06:40,714
You go to any store that sells
Doze Apples Hard Cider,
163
00:06:40,739 --> 00:06:43,028
pay for the cider with
real money, but then,
164
00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:45,875
you mail in this card to the
address there on the back.
165
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:48,801
And I can explain this whole process
166
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,370
as I'm handing these out?
167
00:06:50,395 --> 00:06:52,233
Oh, yeah. Sometimes more than once.
168
00:06:52,258 --> 00:06:53,290
(DOORBELL RINGS)
169
00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:55,375
You know, if you want, you
can drain me right now.
170
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,079
I'm, like, firing on all
four cylinders, you know?
171
00:06:57,104 --> 00:06:59,504
You can crunch up as much as you want.
I can make some more.
172
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,284
I... Yeah, I want to, Topher,
173
00:07:01,309 --> 00:07:04,110
but I'm having a pickle
of a time draining you.
174
00:07:04,135 --> 00:07:05,703
I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.
175
00:07:05,728 --> 00:07:06,728
- (KNOCKING)
- Like,
176
00:07:06,753 --> 00:07:08,132
I know you're trying to bore me...
177
00:07:08,157 --> 00:07:10,312
- Hang on.
- (DOOR CREAKS)
178
00:07:10,339 --> 00:07:11,859
Come on in.
179
00:07:14,325 --> 00:07:17,188
The stuff that you tell me
is just so interesting.
180
00:07:17,283 --> 00:07:18,476
You know?
181
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:20,232
Sue me.
182
00:07:20,546 --> 00:07:22,945
- Who was at the door?
- I don't know.
183
00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:24,023
Unbelievable.
184
00:07:24,453 --> 00:07:27,660
Topher? Topher, did you happen to
let two vampires into the house?
185
00:07:27,685 --> 00:07:28,717
Hey, hang on, dawg.
186
00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:30,131
Look, there's a couple
rules you need to follow.
187
00:07:30,156 --> 00:07:32,094
- I know you're new, okay, but...
- Sorry, just, uh,
188
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,652
conferencing with this guy
I used to intern for,
189
00:07:33,677 --> 00:07:35,810
this dope werewolf... You
might know him, actually.
190
00:07:35,835 --> 00:07:38,265
First of all, werewolves are not
dope, so I wouldn't know him.
191
00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:39,989
- Uh, this guy's pretty dope.
- No.
192
00:07:40,014 --> 00:07:42,305
Look, I don't mean to be hard
on you, but it's important
193
00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:44,209
you follow the rules
for everyone's safety.
194
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:45,896
Do me a favor and stay
away from the koi pond.
195
00:07:45,921 --> 00:07:48,764
I think there's an electrical short from
the heater, so just stay away from it...
196
00:07:48,789 --> 00:07:50,399
Have you tried turning it
off and back on again?
197
00:07:50,424 --> 00:07:51,803
No, just don't touch it, Topher, okay?
198
00:07:51,828 --> 00:07:53,302
The electric guy's gonna
be here on Monday.
199
00:07:53,327 --> 00:07:55,623
- Always works for me.
- So just leave it alone...
200
00:07:58,177 --> 00:08:00,943
GUILLERMO: Yeah. I'm
sad that Topher died.
201
00:08:01,284 --> 00:08:03,553
Another familiar dead, you know?
202
00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:06,759
But... that's the business.
203
00:08:06,784 --> 00:08:08,553
I'm used to it.
204
00:08:09,843 --> 00:08:11,677
That's bad, right?
205
00:08:18,311 --> 00:08:20,553
Death comes for us all.
206
00:08:20,953 --> 00:08:23,854
It comes for the bees.
207
00:08:23,965 --> 00:08:25,865
It comes for the trees.
208
00:08:25,929 --> 00:08:30,717
It comes for, uh, basically
anyone from zero on up,
209
00:08:30,742 --> 00:08:33,014
so... one...
210
00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:34,482
LASZLO: Are you kidding?
211
00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:36,318
Two, three, four.
212
00:08:36,343 --> 00:08:37,976
Put a cork in it, Colin Robinson.
213
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:40,341
- We're weak enough as it is.
- NANDOR: Perhaps there is
214
00:08:40,366 --> 00:08:43,139
- a familiar killer on the loose?
- NADJA: What?
215
00:08:43,164 --> 00:08:44,864
Well, I was just thinking, you know,
216
00:08:44,889 --> 00:08:46,736
if there are vampire killers,
217
00:08:46,763 --> 00:08:49,310
then why not familiar killers, also?
218
00:08:49,335 --> 00:08:51,782
There's no such thing as vampire
killers, you knob lord.
219
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:54,250
- Well...
- What was that, Guillermo?
220
00:08:54,524 --> 00:08:56,024
I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt
221
00:08:56,049 --> 00:08:57,942
to be more cautious and alert.
222
00:08:57,967 --> 00:09:01,248
NADJA: Enough of this! This is
horse piss. We are vampires.
223
00:09:01,273 --> 00:09:03,419
We can do better than
this for our Topher.
224
00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:04,888
Guillermo, dig him up.
225
00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:05,935
Yes.
226
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,258
Please be respectful of his mud.
227
00:09:08,651 --> 00:09:10,384
A necromancer is someone
228
00:09:10,409 --> 00:09:12,178
who can reanimate the dead.
229
00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:15,378
It's a truly fantastical
part of the dark arts.
230
00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:17,767
And I happen to have a very good old pal
231
00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:19,643
- Wallace...
- (SCOFFS)
232
00:09:20,113 --> 00:09:23,881
who is excellently proficient
in the art of necromancy.
233
00:09:23,906 --> 00:09:27,033
No, he's excellent, at the
dark art of ripping you off.
234
00:09:27,058 --> 00:09:28,568
- (GROANS)
- These people are shysters.
235
00:09:28,593 --> 00:09:30,572
They're obsessed with the upsell.
236
00:09:31,461 --> 00:09:33,961
I'm sure his hut is
around here somewhere.
237
00:09:33,986 --> 00:09:36,118
It's a classic necromancer scam.
238
00:09:36,247 --> 00:09:39,193
"Meet me at my hut." What bloody hut?
239
00:09:39,218 --> 00:09:40,231
(SIGHS)
240
00:09:40,256 --> 00:09:42,780
(GASPS) There it is. I'm certain of it.
241
00:09:42,805 --> 00:09:45,467
Look at all those pale,
desperate wretches
242
00:09:45,492 --> 00:09:47,092
scurrying around in the moonlight.
243
00:09:47,117 --> 00:09:48,842
It's a performing arts school.
244
00:09:48,867 --> 00:09:52,023
COLIN: Hey, a high school
production of Thornton Wilder's
245
00:09:52,048 --> 00:09:54,778
Our Town with a Q and A afterwards.
(CHUCKLES)
246
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:57,370
- Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
- WALLACE: You seek
247
00:09:57,395 --> 00:09:58,951
the necromancer?
248
00:09:59,485 --> 00:10:01,185
LASZLO: What the...?
249
00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,853
I am they.
250
00:10:02,878 --> 00:10:04,390
(LAUGHS): Hello, Wallace!
251
00:10:04,415 --> 00:10:05,881
(GRUNTING, LAUGHING)
252
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:08,053
NADJA: Come on, everyone!
253
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,554
WALLACE: I've got a lovely pot
of stew if anyone's hungry.
254
00:10:10,579 --> 00:10:11,579
LASZLO: No.
255
00:10:11,604 --> 00:10:14,467
I see you admiring my wares.
Anything tickle your fancy?
256
00:10:14,492 --> 00:10:15,537
- No.
- NADJA: Hush.
257
00:10:15,562 --> 00:10:18,489
These bracelets ward off the evil eye.
258
00:10:18,514 --> 00:10:20,933
- NADJA: Ooh. Ooh.
- This one attracts the evil eye.
259
00:10:20,958 --> 00:10:24,037
And this one increases
sexual stamina. Yeah.
260
00:10:24,062 --> 00:10:25,407
(NADJA LAUGHS)
261
00:10:25,432 --> 00:10:27,064
You could do with a leg up.
262
00:10:27,142 --> 00:10:29,969
And these are key chains that
look like license plates.
263
00:10:29,994 --> 00:10:31,024
NADJA: Uh-huh.
264
00:10:31,049 --> 00:10:32,515
LASZLO: Look, mister,
we are not interested
265
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,549
in your tricks and trinkets.
266
00:10:34,574 --> 00:10:37,869
This one would make a cute
gift for a man named Steve.
267
00:10:37,894 --> 00:10:40,376
NADJA: Yes, yes, yes, but,
Wallace, what we are here for
268
00:10:40,401 --> 00:10:41,906
is we were hoping you could reanimate
269
00:10:41,931 --> 00:10:44,008
our beloved familiar Topher.
270
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:46,283
Yes, uh, how long has he been dead?
271
00:10:46,308 --> 00:10:48,494
- Huh?
- Oh, that is Guillermo.
272
00:10:48,519 --> 00:10:51,253
He is not dead, although
sometimes we wish he was.
273
00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:53,103
(LAUGHTER)
274
00:10:53,128 --> 00:10:55,317
Just a little joke there, Guillermo,
275
00:10:55,342 --> 00:10:56,658
I got it.
276
00:10:56,912 --> 00:10:58,728
All right, so, uh, where's the carcass?
277
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:02,081
Yes. Guillermo, fetch the carcass.
278
00:11:02,466 --> 00:11:04,611
- The what?
- The carcass.
279
00:11:04,677 --> 00:11:07,918
- The cadaver, man.
- I'll go get the body.
280
00:11:08,138 --> 00:11:09,629
NANDOR: What was that?
281
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:11,668
I'll go get the carcass.
282
00:11:11,693 --> 00:11:12,992
NANDOR: Better.
283
00:11:13,124 --> 00:11:14,966
(GRUNTING)
284
00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:22,057
And did you bring a personal
item belonging to the deceased?
285
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,064
Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge.
286
00:11:24,089 --> 00:11:26,338
Uh, Guillermo, you did bring
the mini-fridge, yeah?
287
00:11:26,414 --> 00:11:29,556
He absolutely loved this
cold, white little box.
288
00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:31,470
And the foot of a deranged cat,
289
00:11:31,495 --> 00:11:34,449
the night-thistle, the
parcel of wolf's-bane
290
00:11:34,474 --> 00:11:36,989
and the $350 cash?
291
00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:38,782
- Thank you.
- It's all there,
292
00:11:38,807 --> 00:11:39,973
razzle-dazzle man.
293
00:11:39,998 --> 00:11:42,346
Good, good. I can't stress enough
294
00:11:42,371 --> 00:11:44,404
the $350 cash.
295
00:11:44,429 --> 00:11:47,130
- Yeah, I'll bet you can't.
- Otherwise, the spells don't work.
296
00:11:47,155 --> 00:11:49,022
Wallace, do you think
we are going to get
297
00:11:49,047 --> 00:11:52,542
- our beloved Topher back?
- Well, he seems well preserved.
298
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:55,698
Everything seems to want to...
seems to be intact.
299
00:11:55,862 --> 00:11:57,448
He hasn't had that, uh,
300
00:11:57,473 --> 00:11:59,177
intestines out of the asshole, has he?
301
00:11:59,202 --> 00:12:00,510
- No, no.
- Good,
302
00:12:00,535 --> 00:12:02,538
'cause that really yucks me out.
303
00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:05,198
Right, then, here we go.
Hold on to your hats.
304
00:12:05,582 --> 00:12:08,315
(EXHALES DRAMATICALLY)
305
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,260
- (CLANG REVERBERATES)
- (GROWLS)
306
00:12:11,042 --> 00:12:12,647
(SNORTING)
307
00:12:12,927 --> 00:12:15,026
Yes! You're alive!
308
00:12:15,121 --> 00:12:16,654
You can jive!
309
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:18,197
Your spirit rise!
310
00:12:18,312 --> 00:12:20,115
♪ The light has gone ♪
311
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,617
♪ Out of your eyes ♪
312
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:22,994
♪ What a surprise ♪
313
00:12:23,128 --> 00:12:24,846
- ♪ Yah! ♪
- Is he scatting?
314
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:26,081
No, of course not.
315
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,325
♪ Zippidee-dop ♪
316
00:12:27,358 --> 00:12:28,874
♪ A-zippidee-doo ♪
317
00:12:28,899 --> 00:12:31,003
♪ A-zippidee-zop-zop, wabada-boo... ♪
318
00:12:31,028 --> 00:12:32,470
- (SCATTING CONTINUES)
- This is bullshit.
319
00:12:32,495 --> 00:12:33,830
(WHISPERS): Shut up.
320
00:12:33,855 --> 00:12:35,057
♪ Ooh-eh ♪
321
00:12:35,082 --> 00:12:36,518
(CHANTING GIBBERISH)
322
00:12:36,543 --> 00:12:38,925
- Oh-pah!
- (THUNDER CRASHES)
323
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:42,097
(RHYTHMIC CHANTING)
324
00:12:42,741 --> 00:12:44,474
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
325
00:12:44,552 --> 00:12:45,984
(THUNDER CRASHING)
326
00:12:46,025 --> 00:12:49,049
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Zombra, zombra, zombra.
327
00:12:49,074 --> 00:12:50,730
Zambra, zombra.
328
00:12:50,755 --> 00:12:52,073
Why is he looking at his phone?
329
00:12:52,098 --> 00:12:53,979
It probably just can't wait.
It's an emergency.
330
00:12:54,018 --> 00:12:57,570
Z-Zombra, zambra,
zombra, zombra, zombra.
331
00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,363
Zombarisa... (GRUNTING)
332
00:13:00,509 --> 00:13:02,565
Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai, hai, hai!
333
00:13:02,662 --> 00:13:04,292
Ba-boom!
334
00:13:04,858 --> 00:13:05,939
- Oh!
- Ew!
335
00:13:05,964 --> 00:13:07,306
Get in, you bastard!
336
00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:11,077
The end. I have achieved reanimation.
337
00:13:11,109 --> 00:13:13,422
(PANTS) Your beloved familiar
338
00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:15,087
will return to you tomorrow.
339
00:13:15,112 --> 00:13:17,478
- Tomorrow?
- Life takes time, my friend.
340
00:13:17,503 --> 00:13:21,313
We are reversing the very
power of nature itself.
341
00:13:21,338 --> 00:13:22,938
But there's a-a quickening ritual,
342
00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:24,721
if you want to chivvy things along.
343
00:13:24,761 --> 00:13:26,760
As we're all friends, I
could do it for a hundy.
344
00:13:26,785 --> 00:13:28,867
No, you bloody won't.
We're not interested.
345
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,978
(CLICKS TONGUE) Thank you
so very much, Wallace.
346
00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:32,883
♪ Zappidee-doo. ♪
347
00:13:32,908 --> 00:13:35,109
Zappidee-doo.
348
00:13:40,892 --> 00:13:43,715
Everything is back to normal,
because our Topher is back!
349
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,266
It's true. I've got to admit,
350
00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:48,892
Wallace, as contemptible a man as he is,
351
00:13:48,917 --> 00:13:52,652
- actually came up trumps.
- (FAKE COUGHING): Told you so.
352
00:13:52,763 --> 00:13:55,948
(FAKE COUGHING) You fucking didn't.
353
00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:58,297
Don't tell Guillermo, but...
354
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:01,467
I'm so happy Topher is back.
355
00:14:02,378 --> 00:14:05,179
All right, let us begin
with the minutes.
356
00:14:05,503 --> 00:14:07,036
I am here.
357
00:14:07,091 --> 00:14:09,191
Guillermo, you are there.
358
00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:10,756
And, um...
359
00:14:10,781 --> 00:14:12,781
TOPHER (GROWLING): To-pher!
360
00:14:12,806 --> 00:14:14,293
NADJA (LAUGHS): Oh, Tophie!
361
00:14:14,318 --> 00:14:16,331
And there is Topher. Wonderful.
362
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,115
We are all here. We can begin.
363
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:20,954
Firstly... and I'm not naming names...
364
00:14:20,979 --> 00:14:23,963
But I have recently noticed
that the house reeks
365
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,823
of decaying flesh, and there
are dead birds everywhere.
366
00:14:26,848 --> 00:14:27,979
TOPHER: Topher!
367
00:14:28,004 --> 00:14:29,737
As I say, I'm not naming names.
368
00:14:29,762 --> 00:14:31,213
But if we do have an issue,
369
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,415
then it's important that
we all work together
370
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,393
to let Guillermo know,
so that he can fix it.
371
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:37,837
TOPHER: Doze Apples!
372
00:14:37,929 --> 00:14:41,256
- (GIGGLES)
- (TOPHER SNARLING)
373
00:14:41,344 --> 00:14:42,716
LASZLO: Off he goes.
374
00:14:42,741 --> 00:14:44,338
That chap's tireless, isn't he?
375
00:14:44,363 --> 00:14:47,297
You could learn something
from Topher, no, Guillermo?
376
00:14:47,322 --> 00:14:49,604
I actually have an order of
business I'd like to discuss.
377
00:14:49,629 --> 00:14:51,057
- Oh...
- NANDOR: Okay.
378
00:14:51,082 --> 00:14:53,149
- The floor is yours.
- I'm a little bit concerned
379
00:14:53,174 --> 00:14:54,298
about Topher.
380
00:14:54,323 --> 00:14:56,188
I think there might be something
381
00:14:56,213 --> 00:14:58,198
- really wrong with him.
- (RASPY PANTING)
382
00:14:58,223 --> 00:15:01,083
- Topher! Aah!
- (WHIMPERS)
383
00:15:01,115 --> 00:15:02,544
He waits under my bed
384
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,091
- and tries to bite me, for one.
- NANDOR: Yes.
385
00:15:04,116 --> 00:15:05,654
He eats live birds and insects.
386
00:15:05,679 --> 00:15:07,677
I think, I think he might be a zombie.
387
00:15:07,803 --> 00:15:09,826
(FLY BUZZING)
388
00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:12,403
That, my boy, sounds like slander.
389
00:15:12,428 --> 00:15:14,623
Nandor, what are you going to
do about the state of the muck
390
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,551
- pouring out of his mouth?
- Guillermo,
391
00:15:16,576 --> 00:15:18,060
do you have any proof of
this wild accusation?
392
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,880
- (SNARLING)
- Aah!
393
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,832
Well, do you?
394
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,419
He's not well!
395
00:15:26,444 --> 00:15:27,966
- He's freaking out.
- Yes!
396
00:15:27,991 --> 00:15:29,989
He's gonna eat me! Dios mío!
397
00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:31,387
LASZLO: Well, now he's
speaking in tongues.
398
00:15:31,412 --> 00:15:32,958
That is awful of you to call Topher
399
00:15:32,983 --> 00:15:34,393
those things you just did.
400
00:15:34,418 --> 00:15:36,019
(RASPY YELLING)
401
00:15:37,526 --> 00:15:38,872
Exactly.
402
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,648
Guillermo, have you been
getting enough sleep?
403
00:15:41,673 --> 00:15:44,294
(LAUGHING): No. No, I am
not getting any sleep!
404
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:45,935
I haven't slept in the last two weeks,
405
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,908
because I have to keep one eye
open to protect you guys!
406
00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:51,618
- (LAUGHS)
- Protect us from what?
407
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,287
Nothing.
408
00:15:56,381 --> 00:15:58,263
I just wish you guys knew
how hard I work for you,
409
00:15:58,288 --> 00:16:00,503
and you don't, so that's
okay, never mind, forget it.
410
00:16:01,713 --> 00:16:03,299
Did you see that?
411
00:16:03,347 --> 00:16:06,435
- He was eating his own dry poops.
- (GROANS)
412
00:16:12,373 --> 00:16:14,372
The vampire assassins
usually come at night,
413
00:16:14,397 --> 00:16:16,186
so I have to constantly
survey the perimeter.
414
00:16:16,317 --> 00:16:18,818
(CLATTERING IN DISTANCE)
415
00:16:18,998 --> 00:16:20,998
♪ ♪
416
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,903
(SNARLS) Topher!
417
00:16:38,928 --> 00:16:41,455
Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no!
418
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,113
I don't wanna die, I don't
wanna die, I don't wanna...
419
00:16:43,138 --> 00:16:44,471
(FIERCE YELLING)
420
00:16:44,496 --> 00:16:47,319
- (RASPY GROANING)
- (PANTING)
421
00:16:48,669 --> 00:16:50,035
Sorry. Sorry.
422
00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:52,952
(HIGH-PITCHED): Why...?
423
00:16:52,977 --> 00:16:56,579
Sorry, buddy, but you
were trying to kill me.
424
00:16:57,977 --> 00:16:59,877
High five.
425
00:16:59,955 --> 00:17:01,754
I don't know, bud.
426
00:17:01,779 --> 00:17:03,764
- Come on!
- Okay. All right.
427
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:05,698
- Aw, shit.
- (GROANS)
428
00:17:06,074 --> 00:17:07,825
- Why?!
- Sorry, Toph.
429
00:17:07,850 --> 00:17:09,498
See, that's why I
didn't want to do that.
430
00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:11,647
- Toph.
- (AGONIZED GROANING)
431
00:17:11,672 --> 00:17:14,233
No, buddy, I don't think it's
gonna go back on there, bud.
432
00:17:14,258 --> 00:17:16,186
(GRUNTS) High five!
433
00:17:16,211 --> 00:17:18,601
No, I'm not gonna high-five you anymore.
434
00:17:18,626 --> 00:17:19,725
High five!
435
00:17:19,750 --> 00:17:21,583
Ow, Toph! That really hurt!
436
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,319
- High five!
- Stop it, you...
437
00:17:23,344 --> 00:17:25,177
You're being really rude right now!
438
00:17:25,202 --> 00:17:27,048
- (SNARLING)
- Stop it! Stop it!
439
00:17:27,722 --> 00:17:30,436
Stop it, Topher. Stop it, Topher!
440
00:17:30,461 --> 00:17:32,998
- (GRUNTING, YELLING)
- Stop it, Topher!
441
00:17:33,023 --> 00:17:34,722
Aw, fuck no!
442
00:17:34,824 --> 00:17:37,640
No one bites Guillermo!
443
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,936
(WHISPERS): It was an accident.
444
00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:46,056
All right, dudes, I'm headed out.
445
00:17:46,081 --> 00:17:49,069
Going up to Albany to catch a
community theater production
446
00:17:49,094 --> 00:17:50,427
of Pippin.
447
00:17:50,452 --> 00:17:52,113
(SNARLING)
448
00:17:54,225 --> 00:17:56,577
What's going on with, uh, Toph-Dawg?
449
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,534
I think he's a zombie.
450
00:17:58,566 --> 00:18:00,032
Yeah, could be.
451
00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:01,709
- See you guys later.
- (SNARLING)
452
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:04,085
(CHUCKLES): You goofballs.
453
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,080
(SNARLS, GROWLS)
454
00:18:08,683 --> 00:18:11,509
- (GUILLERMO GASPING)
- (YELLING)
455
00:18:16,353 --> 00:18:17,686
GUILLERMO: No!
456
00:18:17,711 --> 00:18:20,434
Why won't you die?!
457
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,648
Stop it! Stop it!
458
00:18:25,818 --> 00:18:27,148
Ow!
459
00:18:27,827 --> 00:18:30,194
Jesus fucking...!
460
00:18:31,429 --> 00:18:33,947
Topher!
461
00:18:38,787 --> 00:18:41,187
(SCREAMS) Guillermo!
462
00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:43,040
(HISSING)
463
00:18:43,065 --> 00:18:44,931
GUILLERMO: Master...
464
00:18:44,956 --> 00:18:46,723
you saved me.
465
00:18:46,748 --> 00:18:48,114
Thank you.
466
00:18:48,408 --> 00:18:50,881
Your screaming disturbed
me from my slumber.
467
00:18:50,909 --> 00:18:52,447
You shouldn't be putting
your head in there.
468
00:18:52,472 --> 00:18:53,608
It's not hygienic.
469
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,428
If you want to wash
yourself, do it in...
470
00:18:55,454 --> 00:18:56,987
Will you stop that!
471
00:18:57,140 --> 00:19:00,224
- (SNARLING)
- I've had enough of this.
472
00:19:03,657 --> 00:19:06,604
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
473
00:19:06,882 --> 00:19:09,466
- But what is done is done.
- (TOPHER GRUNTS)
474
00:19:09,491 --> 00:19:10,724
(GUILLERMO SCREAMING)
475
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,082
This fuckin' guy.
476
00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:14,321
(YELLING)
477
00:19:19,302 --> 00:19:21,936
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
478
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,574
But what is done is done.
479
00:19:23,599 --> 00:19:24,932
(SCREAMING)
480
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,585
Are you kidding me with this right now?
481
00:19:27,896 --> 00:19:30,558
Just give him a few jolts. I'll be fine.
482
00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:33,293
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
483
00:19:33,318 --> 00:19:34,597
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
484
00:19:34,622 --> 00:19:36,593
Kind of tickles.
485
00:19:37,388 --> 00:19:38,929
(TOPHER SNARLING)
486
00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:40,996
You conned us, you slippery bastard!
487
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:42,807
Wallace, how could you do this to us?
488
00:19:42,832 --> 00:19:45,477
Yeah, plus, he was crawling
on the ceiling, which is odd.
489
00:19:45,502 --> 00:19:47,635
- Well, he didn't do that before?
- NADJA: Of course not!
490
00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:50,652
Well, okay, I must have used
the wrong incantation spell.
491
00:19:50,677 --> 00:19:52,574
But you know what? No extra charge.
492
00:19:52,599 --> 00:19:54,106
Bullshit! You made it up
as you were going along.
493
00:19:54,131 --> 00:19:56,832
No, no, no, no, that was
word-for-word verbatim.
494
00:19:56,857 --> 00:19:59,091
No. You were bloody texting
on your phone the whole time!
495
00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,082
It was an Amber Alert.
496
00:20:01,107 --> 00:20:02,551
Well, I did think it was important.
497
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,872
He is damaged goods, and
we demand satisfaction!
498
00:20:06,065 --> 00:20:08,761
- (TOPHER SNARLING)
- Not cool, Wallace, not cool.
499
00:20:08,786 --> 00:20:11,005
- Fine. Let me have him.
- What, do you think
500
00:20:11,030 --> 00:20:12,864
I'm gonna let him go? You
must be out of your mind.
501
00:20:12,889 --> 00:20:14,882
- (WHISTLES)
- (STOPS SNARLING)
502
00:20:15,417 --> 00:20:16,716
Come here, boy.
503
00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:18,552
Come on, come on.
504
00:20:19,744 --> 00:20:22,111
That'll do, pig, that'll do.
505
00:20:22,136 --> 00:20:23,669
- Wow.
- All right,
506
00:20:23,694 --> 00:20:25,327
I don't normally do refunds,
507
00:20:25,352 --> 00:20:27,478
but I'll take him off
your hands for you.
508
00:20:27,503 --> 00:20:29,021
And for your trouble,
509
00:20:29,150 --> 00:20:32,351
each of you can grab a
license plate key chain.
510
00:20:32,742 --> 00:20:34,418
For free?
511
00:20:34,473 --> 00:20:35,906
Free. Gratis.
512
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,196
Okay.
513
00:20:37,773 --> 00:20:38,988
Come on!
514
00:20:39,013 --> 00:20:41,848
- Oh. "Ingrid." Oh.
- NANDOR: I got...
515
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,205
"Steve."
516
00:20:43,835 --> 00:20:46,231
So if you're watching, Steve...
517
00:20:47,476 --> 00:20:49,099
waiting for you.
518
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,200
Ah.
519
00:20:50,225 --> 00:20:51,609
NADJA: I got "Nadia," uh,
520
00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:55,047
which is my name, but
with a less exciting "J."
521
00:20:55,199 --> 00:20:56,645
Completely free.
522
00:20:56,670 --> 00:20:58,075
You don't have "Colin."
523
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,919
We haven't sold any since 1979, mate.
524
00:21:00,944 --> 00:21:02,521
But you have "Condom."
525
00:21:02,546 --> 00:21:04,723
Very, very popular.
526
00:21:04,854 --> 00:21:07,005
- Can I take one?
- Go for it.
527
00:21:07,030 --> 00:21:08,161
GUILLERMO: So I got...
528
00:21:08,186 --> 00:21:09,419
"Gigi."
529
00:21:10,316 --> 00:21:12,675
I guess that's better than "Gizmo."
530
00:21:15,972 --> 00:21:18,695
Being a familiar isn't for everyone.
531
00:21:18,757 --> 00:21:22,325
You're not always thanked or praised.
532
00:21:22,552 --> 00:21:25,380
But after my master saved my life,
533
00:21:25,438 --> 00:21:28,621
he proved to me that... he
really does care about me
534
00:21:28,673 --> 00:21:30,623
and all the things I do for him.
535
00:21:31,213 --> 00:21:35,171
And if one day he doesn't, well...
536
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:46,639
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
39252
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