Original subtitles

- I'll get a taxi to the pavement shall?

How does two o'clock Wednesday sound?

- Er, no, I don't think this is working out Warren.

- What do you mean it's not working out?

- I'm just not very happy with you at the moment.

- Why what have I done?

- I mean how long have you got?

- Well not that long actually,

since you spent half an hour pissing around on the A6.

- See this is exactly what,

your sat nav told us to go that way.

- Oh it's my sat nav's fault is it?

Naughty sat nav, don't do that again.

- All right well what about last week,

I had to wait 25 minutes while we

picked your son up from school.

- He's not my son.

- Look Warren, I've decided to go with Daz's Drivers.

- Daz's drivers?

He's crap.

- No he's not, and he's got a website

where you can book lessons online--

- He hasn't had a single pass.

And he drives a Fiat.

You can't learn to drive in a Fiat.

- I know loads of people who passed with him.

- Like who?

- Like Duncan Green, he passed with him.

- Duncan Green, lying little sod,

he told me he couldn't afford lessons anymore.

- Look Warren I just think it's best

if we go our separate ways.

- All right go on then, get out.

- Oh look Warren, I don't want to fall out.

- Go on, off you go, go on, go on your website.

Make a date with your new boyfriend Daz,

and don't come crying to me when you fail you muppet.

(bright bouncy music)

(door slamming)

- Hello Warren.

- Hello Anne.

- Seen this?

- What's that?

Oh you're having a laugh,

how did that even get on the front page?

- Betty Wellington from across the road,

aint it good news.

- I know who it bloody is, no it isn't good news.

I've lost six students this week to that bloke.

- Well I think it's wonderful,

she's got her independence now aint she.

- She shouldn't even be behind the wheel,

she's shot to pieces, the doddery old cow.

She came round here a couple of months ago,

spent the first 10 minutes talking to the bookcase.

- (laughs) Don't exaggerate.

Daz is obviously very good, Charlie loves him.

- What do you mean Charlie loves him?

- Hey?

- What do you mean Charlie loves him?

- I erm.

- Anne?

- Yeah. - I know when you're lying.

- Charlie's been having a few lessons with Daz.

- I don't believe it.

- You never even let him in the drivers seat.

- He's not ready for the drivers seat,

he isn't even a good passenger yet.

You know he's got a website.

- Charlie?

- No Daz, you can book lessons with him online.

- Oh Warren you'd look great on a website,

why don't you get your own one?

- Wouldn't know where to start.

- I bet Danny could help yah.

- Where is he?

Danny!

(tense music)

Danny, I need you to make me a website.

- Um, I can but that stuff takes ages,

I've gotta practice my clarinet.

- Shove your clarinet, I'm losing students.

I need a website so people can find me online.

- There's probably stuff online about you already Warren,

have you ever tried Googling yourself?

- No I haven't 'cause I'm not a sad bastard.

- Look, Warren Thompson Driving School, 157 reviews.

- Oh Warren you're famous.

- Average rating, 2.3 stars.

- Out of what?

- 10. - 10?

What's it say?

- "Do not learn to drive with this man,

"we broke down and he charged me for the time it took

"the RAC to tow us home."

- I should have charged her for the bloody clutch as well.

- "Warren Thompson was nice at first,

"but when one of my checks bounced he held me hostage

"in his car until my mom came out of work

"with the cash."

- Hostage my arse, it was an hour tops.

- At least they said you were nice at first.

- Actually maybe we should.

- No what is it?

Warren Twatson Driving School, what's that?

- Well it looks like someone's made a Facebook page

about yah.

- Well but that's not your surname Warren,

it must be someone else.

- No there's a picture of Warren here

in stockings and suspenders.

- Oh, when did you take that?

- I didn't Anne, someone's just put my head

on that photo, oh God, all this stuff on the internet.

I can't afford to lose anymore students Anne,

I'll go bankrupt.

- Don't be silly, Danny can get on with your website

tonight, we could make some fliers.

Go hand them out around town tomorrow,

do you think that would help?

- Couldn't do any harm I guess.

- Yeah, everything will be fine.

- Oh here he is, Judas bloody Iscariot.

- What are you on about?

- What are you on about?

Daz's Drivers ring any bells?

- Cheers for that mom.

- Sorry love it just came out.

- I'm glad it did, you wanna watch yourself there,

I've heard things about him.

- Like what?

- I head he punched a student in the stomach once

just for stalling.

- You've just made that up.

- No I haven't, happened to a mate of mines brother,

you don't know him.

- Well it's not true, Daz is a really nice guy,

and he actually lets me drive, like a normal instructor.

Not like you, you're a tosser.

- Oh I'm a tosser, did you hear that?

I'm a tosser, I'm the tosser who puts the food

on the table that you shove in your stupid fat face.

- Charlie don't call Warren a tosser please.

- "I booked a two hour driving lesson with Warren Thompson

"and we spent the first hour waiting

"for his MOT to be done."

- All right Danny, give it a break.

(bouncy music)

- [Daz] Daz's Drivers.

- Oh hello there, is that Daz's Drivers?

Oh good, I'd like to book some driving lessons please.

Well I'm very keen, maybe I could book you

for a whole afternoon, what about Wednesday?

Or Thursday then?

Friday?

Well no wonder you're all booked up,

you've been pinching everyone else's students,

you wanker.

(light bouncy music)

Anne, are you gonna help me,

or are you just gonna gossip all day?

- Oh Warren this is Maggie.

She was just telling me that Paula with the crutches

from Peacocks has started seeing Barry

with the glasses from the Co-Op.

- Right.

- Well he's only just split up with his wife

because she found him in bed with that one

who works part time at the library.

- I'm sorry love, what's this got to do with me?

- Well Maggie says Barry lives nextdoor to Daz.

- Oh right, go on.

- Well no, that's it, he just lives nextdoor to Daz.

- Christ Anne.

- Just trying to help.

- Well you wanna tell Barry to be careful Maggie,

living nextdoor to Daz, 'cause I've heard

that him and his misses like to chuck their keys

in the old bowl, if you catch my drift.

Hello there, I'm Warren Thompson, I'm a local--

- Counselor?

We know who you are?

You lot only show up when there's a bloody election on.

- Aye, Tory no doubt, it were you lot

that changed the bin collection times.

- No I'm not a counselor.

- I've gotta go to the tip meself now,

just to get rid.

- At his age.

- You've got me wrong, I'm not even a bloody Tory.

- Yes you are.

- What?

- You are a Tory, you voted Tory last election

and the one before.

- Oh I voted for them before.

- See bloody Tory.

- Look at my leaflets mate.

- We don't want to know mate.

Take your leaflets and bugger off.

- Right Anne, we're going.

- And don't come back.

- I won't come back, up yours.

- Oh I just can't believe that.

- I know they wouldn't let me get a word in.

- Every two weeks for the bins, must be a nightmare.

- What's that?

- Oh no Warren stop.

What is it?

- Oh it's a cat.

- Oh no is it dead?

- Yeah, poor little bugger.

- Has it got a collar?

- No, who does that, just drives off like that.

- Oh love we can't just leave him here.

Maybe we should take him to the vets,

see if he's got a chip.

- Yeah that's a good idea, come on.

- Mr Fluffy!

- What have you done?

- Oh my God, we're sorry, we are so sorry.

- Hang on a minute, no we're not,

we just found it like this.

- He was my best friend.

- We'll buy you a new one darling.

- We bloody won't buy them a new one,

we never killed this one.

- We'll get you a new cat I promise.

- Anne.

- Be nice if the pig who ran over Mr Fluffy

actually had the decency to apologize.

- I found the bloody thing, I didn't run it over.

It's been dead for hours,

look it's stiff as a board, feel it.

- What is wrong with you, you moron.

- What's wrong with me?

I'll tell you what's wrong with me,

I found a dead cat and somehow now I have to fork out

for a new one.

- We'll get you a new cat I promise.

Please don't cry.

- No we won't, Anne get in the car.

- Here take it.

There you go.

- I'm going to the Preston Observer about you.

- Good luck with that, you don't even know who I am.

Oh bollocks.

- We'll get you a new cat, I promise.

- Anne.

(bouncy music)

Bloody disaster.

- No it wasn't.

Well it could have gone better I suppose

but think of the positives.

You've met Maggie.

Oh congratulations Betty.

- Oh I mean, how did she even pass?

- Do you need a hand Betty love?

Yeah got loads of room, yeah you're all right now come on.

Now just left a little.

- We're in the lounge Anne.

- What are they doing here?

- Oh I don't know, who knows.

- Anne?

- Well I mean I might have mentioned something

about your work not going so great recently,

and then maybe mam said something about her and dad

lending you a bit of money.

- What'd you do that for, I'm not a charity case?

- No I know, just make sure you say thank you.

Hiya mam, hiya dad.

- [Both] Hello love.

- Hello.

- Where've you been?

- Oh just in town, bit of a drama.

Warren got banned from a street for changing the bin

times and then he ran over a cat.

- I didn't run over a cat.

- Why did you change the bin times Warren?

- I didn't change the bin times Sheila,

they thought I was someone else.

- Sorry where have you been?

- In town.

He ran over a cat and then he changed the bin times.

- Oh right lovely.

- Sit down a second Warren, I think mam and dad

wanted to mention something to yah.

- Well we've heard that things aren't going to well

at work for yah recently Warren,

and what with that nice new man starting up in town.

- He's not a nice man, he's part of a cult.

- Well we didn't want to see you going without

so we thought we'd give you a bit of money

just to see that you're all right.

- Thanks Sheila, I don't need any.

- Here are, Danny give that to Warren.

- Right, there you go Danny look, we're saved.

Nanny's given us a fiver.

- Warren!

- We are going to Disneyland after all.

- Warren what do you say.

- Thank you Sheila, that's very kind of you.

- Right let's get the kettle on shall we, come on.

- Just pay it back whenever you're ready.

- All right Bill.

- We're all thinking about you Warren.

- Thanks again Sheila.

How's that website going?

- Well I've bought you a domain name,

and I've managed to get your online rating up to 3.1.

- Is that all?

- Warren it was a losing battle even before

people found out you killed that cat.

- I didn't, what?

How did that get there so quick?

- Well there's a hashtag for you and everything.

I made you a Facebook page.

- How's that doing?

- Well you've got one follower so far,

and that's nanny.

- When did she get Facebook?

- I signed her up, she wanted to see

the Warren Twatson page.

- Oh for Christ sake, I'm gonna have bath.

(engine revving)

- That's their drive.

Forward, do something with the wheel.

Either would do, either would do.

Yeah, go on then, down left, pull left.

Pull left, that's their drive.

Doesn't matter it's just pavement.

(bouncy gentle music)

- [Daz] Daz's Drivers.

- Wanker.

- Oh it'll be all right love, it's just been a bad month.

- They say you're only three bad months

away from being homeless.

- Oh don't worry about that me mam said

me and the boys can move in with them.

- Oh you're all right then.

- Look love I was thinking,

maybe you could try just you know,

maybe being a bit,

I don't know, nicer to people.

- Oh don't you start.

- Just hear me out Warren.

I know how kind and thoughtful you are,

I see how much you do for me and the boys.

The way you always put us first,

the way you'd die for us.

But it's just sometimes, to other people

you can come across as a bit, well rude.

- Like when?

- Well like when you had a row with that lad

in Morrisons for taking too long

to pay for his chocolate bar.

- Anne, he was counting the cash out penny by penny.

- He was seven Warren.

Why don't you try just making a real effort

to be nice to people, just for now.

- All right I'll try extra hard to be nice to people.

- Good idea love.

- [Warren] He just should have had his cash ready,

that's all I'm saying.

(dramatic music)

- So, got to admit Warren I wasn't sure

how you'd feel about taking me back after you know.

- You're a cracking student Ashley, I'm lucky to have you.

- Probably should have checked to see whether Daz

actually had any availability before I just told you

I was leaving like that.

- I think you've had a lucky escape actually.

I've heard he doesn't let his students use the brakes

'cause it wears down the pads.

Wow, that move up to third from second,

that was sensational Ashley.

- It's how I've always done it.

- I don't think I've said how good it was before.

When are you taking your test again?

- Tuesday.

- Ah you'll nail it Ashley, with moves like that.

- Right what's going on?

- What do you mean?

- Well you're just being sort of nice.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Almost friendly.

- Am I, I hadn't noticed, I'm always like that.

- Why don't you go online, leave a review

about what a good teacher I am.

- If you want me too.

- Well only if you want too.

- Yeah all right.

- Fantastic.

Ah look who it is Daz's bloody Drivers.

(bouncy music)

- Daz's Drivers.

Oh for goodness sake.

- Another prank call.

- All the bloody time.

I must be getting 10 a day.

I reckon it was him that stole the sign

off the roof of me car as well.

- Seriously, that's crazy.

- And he's been spreading rumors about me around town.

My neighbor knocked on my door last night,

asking if he could join the next swingers party.

- Do you have any idea who's doing it?

- Not a clue, the coward always withholds his number.

I swear Charlie, I'm,

I'm not a violent man but,

if I ever got me hands on him I'd,

I don't think I'd be able to control myself.

- Don't blame you sounds like he deserves it.

- You see it don't just affect me,

it affects my wife and my child.

These calls are coming through at all hours

and waking us up.

I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep.

(bouncy music)

- Bet they're having a whale of a time in there.

Laughing at my expense.

- Sure they're not.

Apparently Daz is a really nice guy.

- Oh yeah, you Northerners, you always stick together.

- All right just saying, geeze, you being friendly

didn't last very long did it.

- Well what's the point, when nasty bits of work

like that keep winning.

Indicating left in the middle lane, that's a minor.

- When did you run over a cat?

- I didn't run over a cat.

- That's not what the sign said.

- Shut up. (phone ringing)

- [Anne] Hello Warren.

- Anne they made a sign.

- [Anne] Who's made a sign?

- The kids, the bloody bastard kids with their cat.

- [Anne] What do you mean they've made a sign.

- They've made a bloody great 20 foot sign

that says Warren Thompson killed our cat.

- [Anne] Well don't panic people might think

it's a different Warren Thompson.

- Or Warren Twatson.

- Shut your face.

Anne we've got to get it down, I'm losing customers.

- [Anne] The brown and white one I think.

- What, what are you on about?

- [Anne] Sorry love.

- Where are you?

- [Anne] Erm, just in town.

Has he had his jabs?

- What?

Did you say jabs?

- [Anne] No, no I don't think so.

- What are you getting in town?

- [Anne] Nothing, just er,

vase.

- You're doing it again, I know when you're lying Anne.

- [Anne] Oh Warren I'm buying them kids a new cat.

We had to replace it we promised,

and I'm buying it now so there's no going back.

- Don't you dare, which one are you at,

Wonderful World of Pets?

- [Anne] Too late, I'm buying him now.

- Right Ashley pull over, I'm driving from here.

- What, no not again.

Oh Warren this is my lesson.

- Get your ass out of that seat, go on.

(upbeat music)

- [Ashley] Hang on.

- Anne, what you doing?

- Warren we have to replace their cat.

- No we bloody don't.

- Felt guilty ever since.

- Go and give it back.

- Can we get on with my lesson Warren.

- Shut up.

- He's not ours to give back.

- I'm sorry sir but you can't park here

without a disabled badge.

- Warren. - Anne this is madness.

- I'm going to have to ask you to move

your vehicle immediately.

- I'm not putting him back, we promised them.

- No, you promised them.

- Warren this is stupid, I am paying for this lesson.

- Shut up!

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to fine you sir.

- Take that cat back.

- Stop shouting, you're frightening him.

- Anne, my reputations in tatters,

my blood pressures through the roof

and all you can do is go around giving people pissing cats.

- Oh.

(bouncy music)

- Come on love.

- Local driving instructor pretends to be Tory counselor,

kills cat and then abuses parking attendant

on day of retirement.

Well they do say all publicity is good publicity.

- Well thank you for calling love, I'll let him know.

That was another one.

- Who was it this time?

- Laura, said she saw the paper and didn't want

to be associated with a cat killing scumbag,

so she's gone with Daz's Drivers.

- What am I gonna do?

If Ashley passes this afternoon I'll have lost

15 pupils this month, 15 to the same bloke.

Danny how's that website coming on?

- Well it's coming along but we've had

some more bad reviews come in after you

swore at that man retiring.

- How was I supposed to know he was retiring?

What about Facebook?

- Oh I'm glad you mentioned Facebook actually,

I found some good things on there.

- Really?

- Yeah, the first one is a photo of you

driving through a retirement party laughing.

The second one is a picture of you

holding a gun to a cats head while wearing

your Tory party rosette.

- Anne!

- And the third one is a petition titled,

get this cat killing scumbag off our streets.

Which is basically a petition to get you banned

from Preston, which I've signed.

- Shut up.

(cat meows)

Why is that cat still here?

- Well I took it to that family yesterday

and they said they didn't want it in the end.

- They didn't want it?

After she stitched me up in the paper,

why didn't they want it?

- Well the lady said she doesn't want charity off erm--

- Cat killing scumbag.

- It was cat killing scumbag yeah.

- Oh.

Right.

Well I'll go take Ashley for his test.

We're not keeping it Anne, we're not.

(bright bouncy music)

- We can't take you back now can we Mr Fluffy II.

- Sure you wanna do this, you look a bit nervous.

- Yeah I am nervous but I think I'm--

- Well maybe you shouldn't do your test today.

We should probably take you home,

book you some more lessons and wait

until you're really ready hey.

- No I think I'll be fine, I feel confident.

- All right make your bloody mind up.

- Ashley Aitkins.

- Yeah.

- Hiya Warren.

- You all right Bob.

- Won't be long, hey wish him luck.

- Yeah, good luck, you'll be fine.

Yeah, watch this one mate he's crap.

(bouncy music)

- [Daz] Daz's Drivers.

- Wanker.

Have I had an accident at work?

Oh I wish, yeah, anyway you have a nice one all right,

cheers.

- Morning Julie.

- Oh hello Daz.

- You all right love?

- You still getting those weird calls?

- Don't, I've literally just had one a second ago.

- Do you know who that bloke is?

(whistling)

- How'd you get on? - Passed.

- Passed? - Yeah.

- Christ sake you passed him?

- With flying colors actually, he were very good.

- Let me double check.

How'd he get on at roundabouts,

he panics at roundabouts.

- Fine.

Emergency stop was good.

- You got a minor here for mirrors.

- Mirrors yeah but it's just a minor you know.

- Just a minor, that used to be a major,

are you new here.

- You know I'm not Warren.

- All right, chill out Bob.

Go on Ashley, you can drive home.

- Oy Thompson!

- Drive.

- I wanna word with you!

- What? - Just go.

(dramatic music)

- I know it was you, you bastard.

- [Ashley] Why is he chasing us?

- I told you he's a psycho.

Come on Ashley put your foot down.

- It's 30 miles an hour.

- Sod 30 miles an hour, this blokes gonna rip my head off.

- Come on.

- Overtake 'em.

- I can't.

- Go in the bus lane.

- [Ashley] Jesus Warren you're a maniac.

- [Warren] Just drive faster Ashley,

you've passed your test now.

- [Ashley] Five minutes ago.

- You're a dead man Thompson,

I'm gonna kick your teeth in.

- See you thought he was a nice bloke.

- It's a red light Warren.

- Just keep going.

- There's people crossing.

(horn blaring) - Them.

(horn blaring) - Sorry.

Right where am I going?

- Take the next left.

- What?

- Take the next left, Ashley you tit.

- You're still gonna drop me home right?

- Pull up here.

Pull up! (brakes squealing)

- Come on fight like a man you bastard.

- I promise you Daz it wasn't me.

- You lying little shit.

- Honestly, you've got the wrong guy.

- You're a liar, I haven't slept for weeks 'cause of you.

- Look I swear on Charlies life it wasn't me.

- Is this yours Warren?

- It was him, it's him.

- Right, I'm gonna smash your face in,

you lying piece of--

(car engine revving)

- Bloody hell Betty.

(bouncy music)

Okay excellent, that's you all booked in

for 10:30 on Tuesday, I'll see you then.

- Another one? - Yeah.

- The phones been ringing off the hook,

he's had to take on all of Daz's pupils.

- What was it then?

- Oh a broken fibular, two fractured tibia,

dislocated knee cap and a collapsed lung.

- Ooh fantastic news.

- That's brilliant Warren, he'll be out for months.

- Yeah, and what with all the physio as well,

good old Betty.

Right I better get on these pupils won't pass themselves.

Oh before I go Sheila, there you go, keep the change.

- Count it.

(whistling)

- Ready.

- You're not gonna let me drive are yah?

- No mate this tosser doesn't think you're ready yet.

And.

Easy on the accelerator and release the clutch,

and away we go.

(bouncy music)

- Is that Mr Fluffy? (cat meows)

(car thumps) - Oh bollocks.