All language subtitles for Too Hot to Handle s01e01

♪ Guilty ♪

♪ Pleasures ♪

If you were in paradise...

♪ Try and resist it if you like ♪

...with these people...

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

...and had to resist sex...

could you?

Hell, no.

Nobody can keep it in their pants
these days.

To the strip club!

'Cause hooking up
is as easy as swiping right.

Oh, that one's fire.

So, obviously we found the hottest,
horniest, commitment-phobic swipesters...

Everyone's, like, so horny!

...and given them
what they think is the most exotic

and erotic summer of their lives...

- I think we just have a big orgy.
- What?

...only to reveal
that one thing is off the menu.

Sex.

What is this, some type of joke?

- To make it worse, they can't even kiss.
- No!

I'm starting to
look at the fish differently!

At stake is a prize of $100,000...

- Oh!
- Oh my God!

...which will plummet if they get naughty.

I don't wanna cost more than three grand.

The question is,
in a world without sex,

will they form deeper
and more meaningful connections?

- Did you guys have sex?
- We didn't.

Give me a hug.

- I got more respect for myself.
- Or will temptation be...

too...

What, is it sincere now?

...hot...

Do you want to have sex?

- ...to...
- At this rate,

- we ain't gonna have fuck-all in the pot.
- ...handle?

My friends are gonna love this twist.

In less than 12 hours,

our sexed-up singles
will be hit with a no-sex sucker punch.

I'm talking full-on bang ban.

Thankfully, I don't have
to break the news,

as this luxury no-bone zone

comes fully equipped
with its own virtual guide.

Hi, I'm Lana.

My purpose is to put the guests
on the path towards making deeper

and more meaningful connections.

For the first 12 hours,

Lana will be watching our horny guests
in the wild,

and she will be secretly gathering
personal data

before she lays down the sex ban.

Let's meet oblivious single number one.

Ooh, girl, please. Are you kidding me?

I would.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Woo-hoo!

Here's to being the only one here!

Hi, I'm Chloe. I'm 20 years old.

I'm quite ditzy, as well,

so you've just gotta be
really patient with me,

'cause I'm not the brightest spark...

um...

in the book.

Dating apps are like
a part-time job for me.

Because I just get so addicted to it,
like...

Oh, that was my phone.

It's on loud. I'm so sorry.

Snapchat snapped me...

with a picture of his boxers!

No! Go away.

Oh, my God,
I don't wanna see who's coming.

But then they'll see my small pancake bum.

I'll just turn round.

Oh, my God. Please be...

a sexy boy.

Who are you expecting, Jeff from Finance?

Although, this next guy
is exceptional at picking up numbers.

Hi!

Hi, how are you?

Oh, my God. He's got tattoos.

This is lit.

Do you drink?

Uh, anything. I'm Sharron, by the way.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Likewise.

Two kisses.

- What was your name, sorry?
- Sharron. Yourself?

- Chloe.
- What are we toasting to?

- Cheers. Um...
- Cheers to...

- To beautiful people?
- To beautiful people.

- Your eyes are gorgeous, too. Oh, my God.
- Thank you.

Here we go.

I'm a feminist, yes.

I study Woman and Gender Studies
at college.

If you really pay attention, you get
the blueprint to how to pick up women.

I definitely play the field.
You can never have too many options.

That's why sports teams have players
on the bench.

Definitely got a lot of people
on the bench.

Anywhere I go, I can meet a woman.

In a grocery store,
or I can meet a women in church.

I just actually signed up
for Christian Mingle.

So, any Christians out there...

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

What I'm most proud of is my penis.

I have this picture,

and it's measured
next to an air freshener can.

Ah.

Oh, you gotta do one spin. Just spin.

- Spin one time.
- Ohh.

I mean...

- Oh, sh...
- Oh my God, there's someone else coming.

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

Something tells me that Sharron doesn't
get this excited on Christian Mingle.

- Oh, my God, she's gorgeous!
- Come down there?

Come down here, babe. Get a drink.

- Hi.
- Hey, how are you?

- You look good.
- Thank you.

- Hi, I'm Haley.
- Chloe.

- Chloe?
- Sharron.

Sharron? Got it.

- What's your type?
- I love the tattoos.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, tattoos.

You have any?

I have this one on my back.
It's not the best.

Can y'all see it?

Mind if I...?

- What language is that?
- I don't know.

You don't know?

Are you serious?

♪ Rooh-rah, rooh-rah,
who the hell are we? ♪

♪ We're the Zeta Ladies,
the best sorority. ♪

Woo!

I'm in a sorority at my college.

You have to be fun.
You have to be outgoing, um...

You kind of need to have good grades, too.

I go to a lot of frat parties.
Literally everyone's hammered.

A girl's broken her neck before,
falling off the roof, but...

other than that, it's fun.

I do mostly go for guys,

but if a girl looks just like me,
I'm so into that.

Blond hair, big boobs, skinny, like,
all that, like, I love that in a girl.

- I think you're bigger than me.
- No.

Yours are like...

- I mean...
- They look more like...

- More... yeah? No.
- More jiggly!

- Take them out and compare them.
- I feel like...

I think I'm ready for some more men.

- Oh, my God.
- Just what I ordered,

a man from each hemisphere.

- There's boys coming in.
- Oh, there's two.

- Hi!
- What's happening?

- How are we? Naughty little quesadillas?
- Looking fit.

- What's happening? I'm Harry.
- Haley. Nice to meet you.

- Oh, accents! Oh, my God!
- I'm Chloe. Nice to meet you.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Oh, my God, you're massive.

Your accents! Oh, I'm in heaven.

If you come at me with an accent, oh, my...

I literally turn into butter.
Like, I just melt.

Especially, like, dirty talk. Oh!

Bring that here. Reel it in.

Ooh, I got red. My heart's racing.

Oh, my God. So, I've hit everyone famous.

I've DMed Kourtney Kardashian,

Kendall. I hit her with,
"Hello, my little butter chicken."

But my success rate with celebrities
is absolutely zero.

With any other girl,
it's an instant response.

I think I'm quite cheeky,
and I'm a bit of a cockatoo.

You just say one word,
like, super loud at a bar, "Crikey."

And then, boom, girls come over.

Like, let's go get some brunch.

- Got another bottle?
- A fresh bottle.

Have you guys got enough sun lotion on?

- No, I've got nothing on.
- Not got any on?

I've actually got some with me,
coincidentally.

Smooth move, David.

- Bring them shoulders here.
- I don't know if I'm burning, though.

It's important, this,
because you've got beautiful skin.

- You've got to keep it that way.
- You gonna be my personal doctor?

I've gotta look after you.

- That was an excuse to touch my shoulders.
- A little bit, yeah.

A little bit.

♪ Rule Britannia! ♪

How do you describe
the quintessential British gentleman?

I just try to be a nice guy.

Do something my mum would be proud of
at the end of the day.

Yeah, David: brains and brawn.
Hashtag "loves a sex party."

I don't really have lines.
I don't really have, like, a strategy.

Basically, I just walk into a bar
and take my shirt off. Sorted.

If you hear how many girls
I've slept with,

you might make a judgment,

but if you think about it
from a long-term perspective,

it's not as bad as you might think.

I don't want to share that number,
exactly.

A gentleman doesn't say.

Cheers to sexy people.

Our sexy singletons are hot,
horny, and completely clueless.

They think they're here
for a hedonistic holiday,

but in less than 12 hours,

they will be pushed on the path toward
relationship enlightenment.

Chill out, beardy.
She ain't even your species.

Oh, shit!

What up,
you naughty little possum?

Oh, my God!

- Yes.
- I'm Harry.

- Hi, Harry.
- How are you?

- Good. How are you?
- Amazing. You nervous?

Not really. You?

- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Sharron. Nice to meet you.

- You're gorgeous.
- All right, let's... Ooh.

This lighting is perfect.

Oh, that one's fire.

I have 310,000 followers right now.
It goes up usually every single day.

I think my personality is my best asset,

but the eyes go to the boobs.

But, like, my face isn't too bad,
I don't think, so...

Usually, if a guy is hot and I want him,
it's just like...

Do a little hair flip.

Just, like, make eye contact,
and it's game over.

I win.

- What do you do? Are you a model?
- Yeah.

I can see why.

Just in case the music
isn't hammering it home,

this guy is, like, totally chill.

So chill, in fact,
that he's dressed for winter.

- We've got a new addition to the squad.
- Oh, my God.

- What's up, man?
- What's up, dude?

Get in here.

- Come on in.
- This is a fit group.

I love the commitment to the look
in this heat, wearing a beanie.

That's strong, mate.

Is it a religious thing?

This is just my swag, man.

I wanna know what's underneath the hat.

Don't judge.

- It smells amazing!
- Well, I shower sometimes.

- Who is this Jesus character?
- Right, good decisions.

He does kinda look like Jesus.

I bet he'd do well on Christian Mingle.

I am a deep thinker.
I think about everything a lot.

Monogamy is something
that I sometimes question.

I've often joked about,
like, spreading my seed

and just kind of rolling the dice
of my genetic build

with different women and races
around the world.

Sexually, I'm a lot to handle.

You're not wrong.
I think I've conceived just watching you.

Get ready...

for some double trouble.

Oh!

We got two new ones.

- Hey, girls.
- Oh, my God.

- Hello. How are you?
- How are you doing?

- I'm Nicole.
- Nice to meet you.

- How are you? Nicole.
- David.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- I'm Sharron.
- How are you? Nice to meet you.

- What's your name?
- Rhonda.

- Rhonda, nice to meet you.
- Everyone's so gorgeous.

- For you.
- Oh, my gosh.

I would rate myself a ten out of ten.

I got a nice butt.

A woman should carry their self
with confidence,

stand tall,
and always strive to be better.

I feel like, if you're a woman,
you can do anything that a man can.

When I go to the grocery store,

I'm not just going in flip flops
and jeans.

Like, I'm looking my best. You never know
who you're gonna bump into.

My ideal type of guy,
they need to have a job.

Please, dear Lord, have a job.

Tattoos are a plus.

Like, I like to be
kind of spoiled a little bit.

Tattoos and a job?

Some girls really want it all.

So, what's your type?

Goofy.

Has some body to them,
like, you know, not scrawny.

- Which, we don't have any of those.
- Yeah.

So, yeah, I'm pretty happy right now.

You all look so fab.

- I've heard in Ireland, you love to drink.
- Okay.

- Is that true?
- Oh, like, I'm a professional drinker.

I'm a big party girl.
It's probably the Irish in me.

I was in an all-girls school run by nuns.

It's really religious and Catholic.

Everyone knows your business.

Now, I just get with anyone,
and no one ever knows.

The lads that I've been dating,
within three dates,

they tell me that they're, like,
falling for me.

And then I'm like, "Eww, no."

Then I just give them the snip.

Smart girl. Saves on contraception.

Ireland is in, like,
the same land mass as England?

Whoa!

- You can't laugh at me.
- What do you mean?

No. Ireland's a different country.

Right. We're almost a full house.

Oh, hello.

Yes, please. Thank you, producers!

Hello!

- My man!
- Damn!

This place is amazing, man.

- What's happening?
- Hey, I'm David.

- I'm Kelz.
- Nice to meet you.

So, is he your type?

- He's a big guy, though, you know.
- He's very cute.

He can toss me a few miles.

- Francesca.
- Hi, Francesca. I'm Kelz.

- What's your name? Sorry. Kelz.
- Kelz.

What a fucking sort.

He's like Zeus.

I'm Kelz, and I'm king of the jungle.

That's right.

I never look at competition.
There can only be one alpha male.

I've got a lion tattoo here.
It's basically how I see myself.

Lion King was always my favorite movie.

I don't really do relationships.

Getting girls, for me,
has never really been a problem.

Ballpark figure, I've played FIFA more
times than I've slept with girls. Fact.

It's less than...

a thousand.

As margins go, that seems pretty big.

- We're gonna have fun here.
- For real. We're gonna turn up, bro.

- You already know.
- Hundred percent.

Ah, look at them.

Beautifully naive wannabe reality stars

who think they're here
for a sex-packed summer.

They have no idea

that Lana is secretly
gathering information

about their behavior.

Go ahead. Tell them, honey.

I will observe the guests
and analyze their behavior

in order to help them on the path
towards better relationships.

Once 12 hours has elapsed,

they'll have to adhere
to the rules of this retreat.

I hear you, girl.

There's no time to waste.

Fortunately,
this lot need no encouragement.

I'm amazed they're not horizontal already.

Who do you fancy?

Is that what she just said? No way!

I think the two next to Jesus.

- Shorter?
- Mm-hmm.

With spiky hair. He's cute.

He's from London.
Do you like the accent?

I know, it's gonna rub off on me.

This place is so crazy.

It's full of sexy men.

So, we have Sharron, and then David.

Now I'm just, like, ready to just
jump on them like a baby cheetah.

Just grab a hold of one of them,
and just pull them into my web, you know?

I would ruin Harry.

I wonder if Meghan Markle ever said that.

Harry is just...

He's tall.

Like six-five tall.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Harry caught my eye straight away.

- First impressions of Francesca?
- I think she's nice.

Yeah.

She's right here.

Francesca?

- Shall we have a chat?
- Bye, leaving you.

Who's your favorite?

All of them.

Who's yours?

- I fancy Harry.
- Okay, yeah.

I love Harry.
I think he's great.

- Yeah.
- Love him? Whoa!

- No, like...
- I'm joking.

There is so many
really hot options in this house.

David's body,

I want to lick it.

Kelz's body, I want to lick it.
Harry's body, I want to lick it.

I haven't seen Jesus' body yet,

but I probably would lick it too,
to be honest.

So...

come and get it.

The girls have had their boxes
well and truly ticked.

So who's meeting the mark for the boys?

What do you think of the girls?

Pretty insane, to be fair.

- We got...
- Don't you think?

At first impressions, Rhonda,
and she's got a fantastic bum.

I need to have a little chat with Rhonda,

because, let's be honest,
having an English accent in America

is like having a 12-inch dick.

Yeah, that's right, David.

What is your type?

You know, I would like a mix
between Francesca and Haley.

- Take them both!
- Yeah.

Francesca looks good, top half, amazing.
Haley's got a great ass.

I'm a bum person.

Francesca...

Being the alpha, I'm not chasing.

If you chase something,
all it does is run.

A man like Kelz is a star.
I've got my own gravitational force.

What's your goal?

My goal...

is to reel 'em in, bro!
To reel 'em in!

Everyone's hot.

We just got every flavor
a man could imagine.

We got vanilla bean.

to caramel to butter pecan.

Like, this is heaven on earth.

And we have Jesus.

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

This is literally heaven on earth.

It's not fair, bro.
I'm the shortest guy here.

You can say, like,
first, I was the only black guy.

Cool, I had something going for me.
Now, I got a big black guy...

- It's, like, yo, I'm not... Bro, what?
- Okay, I see how...

You're not defined
by your height and race, though.

- You're not, but it plays a part.
- You're not.

I'm sure you've got good chat, no?

Most people I know that are that short
have good chat.

- Not "that short."
- "That short?" Bro, wait!

- What are you trying to say?
- Ah!

- You're taking shots!
- You know what I mean.

Two hours in, and our playas and playettes

have already locked their targets
into their sights.

All that's left to do

is lock down their beds
where the magic won't happen.

Last one to the bedroom
gets to sleep alone!

- Let's go.
- I can't run in my heels.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my... These beds are tiny.

I found out that the beds
don't make much sound,

and you can get
quite a good rhythm. Perfect.

These beds are sweet for what type
of carnage I wanna do to Francesca.

She's probably the most gorgeous girl
I've ever laid eyes on.

Um... Look, I've got big plans.

- What is this?
- Yo.

- Ooh, I bet it blows out pheromones.
- A lava lamp?

It's gonna blow out pheromones and we're
all gonna get real wild and be like...

Quite the opposite, Rhonda.
I'm taking it all in.

Yep, if they only knew.

Oh, shit!

- What?
- We got stacks!

Oh, flavored ones!

I like the international vibe.

Harry's from Australia, and I literally
have no idea where that is.

Kelz has a beautiful accent.
I can't really understand him.

But everyone's accent that isn't American
sounds the same.

It's all blending together for me.

♪ Rooh-rah, rooh-rah
Who the hell are we? ♪

♪ We're the Zeta Ladies
And we don't know geography ♪

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

- How big were your boobs before?
- They were big.

Lana's clock is ticking,
and after consulting his playa's handbook,

David is wasting no time
making the first move,

striking while the Rhonda is hot.

Hello.

Hi.

Can I join you?

- Of course.
- I'll sit on this one.

Sorry about my shorts.
They're a bit tight.

Keep your eyes up here, yeah?

- You saw me look down.
- Stop.

Straight away.
You can't be looking at me like that.

I'm not. It's the sun, you know.
It's in my eyes.

But it might look like I'm...

- Giving it...
- ...giving you eye.

Bit of that.

Am I... Would I be, like, your type?

You would be.

'Cause, like, you know,
tattoos is a turn-on.

I was, like, "Oh, he's got a little..."
So where...

where would I possibly go
in that wolf pack?

Maybe like a little baby cheetah
or something.

- A cheetah? Is that what you are?
- Yeah.

A little cheetah?

I keep my eye on what I want.
I kinda go for it.

So, a baby cheetah.

Quiet.

- I sneak up on you.
- And then... devour me?

I mean, if you want to.

How you feeling sat out in the sun?
It's quite hot, right?

- It is.
- Looking like you need a bit of lotion.

I do. Can I get some?

How many bottles of sunscreen
did this guy bring?

- Oh, shit.
- You can, like...

You're just turning it over.

- Yeah. Does that work?
- That works well.

Maybe we should probably...
just go like that to start with.

Thanks.

Very peachy.

Someone's showing off
their best ass-et.

- You have great hands, too.
- Yeah?

- I know how to use them.
- Get in there.

- Right. That is...
- You're enjoying that too much.

Yeah!

- That's it?
- That's a great peach.

- Kinda comes naturally.
- Jesus.

- Thank you.
- Okay!

I'm definitely feeling David.
He seems like the guy that can handle me.

You know, he's got the muscles.
He's got the abs.

Pretty eyes. Pretty blue eyes.
Jesus Christ, pretty blue eyes.

And great, sexy,

British, London accents and...

It's a whole sexual, just...

ball of fun.

Um...

Thanks for letting me rub lotion on you.

No, I'm glad you noticed me
over here cooking, you know?

To be honest, if I wanted to,
I probably could've kissed her.

Um...

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

So, don't need
to be jumping the gun too early.

No, David, it is a sprint,
because in less than eight hours' time,

a talking air freshener
is going to cockblock you.

While Kelz is waiting
for his gravitational force

to pull Francesca into his orbit,

he's seeking wisdom from wise man Matthew.

Matt, look, you're deep like me.
You're a thinker.

Nothing escapes your mind.

What do you think about Francesca?

- She's cool, man, honestly.
- Honesty is the best policy.

Boom!

Just coming on with the one-liners.

Pow!

- What are you saying, bro?
- She's crazy.

She's jokes, man.

She can be a bit air-headed.

But that's adorable, innit?
That's cute.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

American girls have this tendency
of doing it on purpose.

- Catch you in a bit.
- See you.

Hey, you're beautiful.

I like you in red. Keep it going.

- I love red.
- You stand out.

All right.

- Who you looking at? Who you thinking?
- I'm interested in Chloe.

She's good-looking.

I like...

that look, dark hair.
I like model-looking girls, skinny.

You see yourself with her long term?

Bro...

I don't even know
if I really believe in marriage.

When I say "long term,"
I mean, like, four weeks.

No, bro.

Earlier, David gave Rhonda
a great British butt massage,

and now it seems that Sharron
is hoping for his own happy ending.

All the ladies look great,
but I think I had my eye on Rhonda.

She's standing out
a little bit more than everyone else.

This is the opportunity for me to show
who I am and how dominant I can be.

Oh, jeez.

- What's all this?
- What's up?

You miss me?

Uh, no.

Come here.

On that little-ass chair?

Come on. You can sit right here.

All right, cover that thing up.

- Please.
- He tame, look.

Should I call animal control?

Don't mess with them,
they won't bother you.

Oh, jeez, real classy, buddy.

Let's get comfortable.

Don't get too excited, now.

I think you looked a little lonely
over here.

- A little bit, but I was all right.
- Yeah.

I think you was hoping
I came down here to see you.

That's why you been down here
so long, huh?

I feel like you don't know
what you want, anyway.

- Why you figure that?
- 'Cause.

- You be staring at me.
- I don't be staring at you.

Your eyes is sending a message
that your mouth won't say.

I feel comfortable right here.
I can get used to this.

Yeah?

What, with me right here,
or are you just comfortable here?

Obviously, with you right here.

Why you smiling?

Nothing.

Wow.

Zero to sexy in less than a day.

Impressive.

Wow.

Sharron's super-confident.

He's my ideal guy.

And David, we haven't had that...

fluid conversation
like me and Sharron have had.

I'm gonna walk with the pillow.

You good?

Things are definitely
spicing up between Rhonda and I.

- I'm going to go all the way.
- Poor Sharron.

He has no idea that Lana's
gonna take the wind out of his sails.

Still blissfully unaware
of the impending sex drought,

the girls are getting glammed up
for the night.

- Where the ladies?
- Girls take the longest.

Always, bro.

While Harry is opening up to the boys...

a little too much.

I feel like every girl you sleep with
falls in love with you.

Uh...

I kinda have that problem because
I give them boyfriend dick,

and then it's like...

What's "boyfriend dick"?

It's like, it's not too big,
not too small,

just perfect, looks pretty.

- They're like, "This is my boyfriend."
- It's just the right size?

So, you're saying
girls fall in love with you

because they go,
"Well, that's maintainable."

If someone was to ask me,

"Matt, I would like
your professional opinion

on how to get a girl interested,"

I would never just be like,
"Oh, God. Yes, let me tell you...

Tell them you got a tiny little dick
that they can ride all day long.

They love that shit, man."

- How do you feel about girls that smoke?
- No way, Jose.

Okay, say Francesca?

Sweet. I'm a smoker now, as well.

- Hold on to me, babe.
- Wow.

Oi, oi!

Here they are.

Hey there, sexies!

Hey!

Here we go!

- You look amazing.
- Get this party started!

Come on then, mate.

Everyone is, like, sexual, like...

proper sexual.

- So, how down are you guys?
- What do you mean, how down?

How down?

So, we'll play the blindfold game, guys.
There's no rules. Do whatever.

Kiss, feel, touch, smell.
We can do whatever.

And we gotta figure out who did what.

Why not? Seems like the perfect icebreaker

for a bunch of people
who met nine hours ago.

- His heart almost stopped.
- Yeah!

Uh...

Was it you?

You wish.

It wasn't?

- Why did you think it was her?
- I don't know.

Thanks, Harry. He didn't even think
it was me that kissed him! I mean...

- Yes!
- Oi, oi!

Here we go.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my fucking God!

- Oh, my God!
- Yes!

The guys are unbelievable.

Like, drooling at them.

I want to get down and dirty
with a few of them.

You know what I mean?

I'm pretty sure I know what you mean.
You're not being that subtle.

And he's blindfolded.

He's proper undressing, like.

He trained for this!

Let's do it!

I'm going in for the kill.

'Cause one good kiss
doesn't mean they're all good kisses.

So, we have to see.

Oh, shit.

Oh!

That game really did highlight to me
how they've been getting along.

There's plenty more days
for Rhonda to pick the right guy.

Ooh, fair game.

I'm just gonna
go straight in the deep end,

let the boys know
that I am all for Francesca.

And show a bit of dominance.

This girl's
gone weak at the knees.

Harry's got his eye on Francesca.

The perfect one.

- Wow!
- How did you know?

Um...

I don't know.

The kiss was magical, and all we wanna do
is rip each other's clothes off.

It's kind of hot.

Better move quick, 'cause Lana's
about to go pee-pee on your picnic.

While the girls are being
model reality show contestants,

and changing their clothes
for the 17th time,

Francesca has spotted the perfect moment
to pounce on her man.

Francesca is just
drop-dead gorgeous.

We have got some tension
built up from this night,

like, it is tipping point.

You are doing something to me.

Stop, you're turning me on.

I'm actually just gonna have to
chill here for a bit.

I'm actually hard.

- Stop making me so hard.
- Sorry!

Who likes who?
We need to be on the same page.

We need to wing-woman each other.

Oh, my God.

- My heart.
- What was that?

Whoa!

Are we in Star Trek?

Did we say something to turn that shit on?

Yeah.

Oh, what the fuck is that?

- What is this?
- Why is it doing that? Is that an alarm?

Hello. I'm Lana.

- Hi, Lana.
- Hi, Lana.

- What the fuck is that?
- What is going on?

Welcome to your first night
at the retreat.

I hope the accommodation
is to your liking.

It's perfect. We love it.

We just want our own room.

I must say,
you are all aesthetically pleasing

to the artificial eye.

- Oh! She's such a babe!
- That's so cute.

- Thank you.
- You as well, Lana.

You look great. I love your cone.

Quite... purple.

Now, I must ask you
to make your way to the palapa.

Right.

I don't want to.

Hurry up, lovebirds.
I haven't got all night.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Don't hack my phone.

That was so weird.

For the last 12 hours,
Lana has been in full-on spy mode,

gathering data on our sexy serial swipers.

But, unfortunately for them,
it's about to become information overload.

All right, bruh,

it's time to go.

Oh, shit.

Hi. I'm your virtual guide.

Hey, Siri! Oi!

Actually, my name is Lana.

Hello, babe.

Welcome.

Lana's sounding kind of hot.

She's got a real polite voice, hasn't she?

"Hello, sexy David.

You look nice today.

Wink."

Boys, she's a computer!

However, you are not here
for the reasons you may think.

This is part of the scary movie...

where the black people start running.

In the last 12 hours,
I have been observing you,

learning about your behavior.

It has been most insightful.

All right, she's a bit weird.

You have been specially selected
because all of you

are having meaningless flings
over genuine relationships.

Oh, my God.

Wow!

The purpose of this retreat

is to help you gain
deeper emotional connections

in your personal relationships.

You'll have platonic friendships
with women.

This is crazy! Bruh.

As an incentive to your development,
I've allocated a prize

of $100,000.

No fucking way!

Let's fucking go.
I'm gonna make sure I get my money.

I'm gonna get my nose job,
get my credit card paid off.

No more debt for me.

What do you think we have to do
to win the money?

If it's washing up and cooking,
I'm fucked.

- What would you do with 100K?
- To the strip club! It's like...

However,

there are conditions to your stay here.

Jesus, here we go.

This calls for tension music.

Is this not, like, freaking youse out?

Is anyone else going to fucking puke?

You will have to abstain
from sexual practices

for the entirety of your stay.

I don't know a man

- that's gone a month without getting off.
- I've never been that long.

- That means no kissing.
- What?

- This is bullshit.
- She just said "no kissing." That's it.

- No heavy petting...
- This is literally bullshit.

...or sex of any kind.

- Yo, no way.
- Great.

Can Lana continue now, Harry?

Yep.

This will also apply
to self-gratification.

- Fuck! I knew that was coming.
- What does that mean?

- No masturbation.
- No masturbating.

What?

Oh, my God!

Shoulda knocked one out yesterday.

There's never been this amount of time
where I've gone without anything.

Without beating my own meat,
or even having sex.

It's definitely a setup.

- Right, okay. No sex of any kind.
- No.

Money will be deducted from the prize
for any sexual activity.

No!

Oh, my God.

Why?

These guys are screwed...

God, this is gonna be hard.

...just not in the way they want to be.

I'm sure I can keep my legs closed
for 100K.

If I'm tempted, I'll be like,

"Think of your nan!”

Oh dear,
this lot are gonna have a...

long...

hard...

summer.

Welcome to the retreat.

Plot twist.

- Coming up...
- There has been a breach of the rules.

Old habits die hard.

Lana isn't the police.

It's coming.

Wow!

We ain't gonna have fuck all
left in the pot.

And there's another big twist.

They are going to pay.
I would love if we lost everyone money.

What? No!

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't mess with me ♪