Original subtitles

{1}{1}23.978 {2074}{2207}Bust my hump all week. Stupid grass!|Supposed to be the boy's job. {2213}{2302}Now, Homer, Bart's working|on his science project. {2308}{2422}You heard the lady, Homer.|So please mow quietly. Genius at work. {2486}{2549}One o'clock. Still just a potato. {2601}{2694}Hey, neighbor. The Lord's|given us a beautiful day, huh? {2700}{2725}Hi, Flanders. {2731}{2815}-Doing yard work?|-Who told? Marge, beer me. {2821}{2906}Say, Simpson, I've got|some time-release granules... {2911}{2995}...that'll get rid|of that crabgrass in half a jiff. {3001}{3092}Crabgrass?|What are you talking about? Where? {3097}{3188}There, there,|and there's a big patch over there. {3194}{3299}There's nothing wrong with crabgrass.|It just has a bad name. {3304}{3388}Everyone would love it|if it was called "elfgrass." {3394}{3454}-You may be right.|-Where's my Duff? {3459}{3552}We're all out.|Would you like fruit juice? {3557}{3657}-Don't toy with me, woman.|-Couldn't help overhearing. {3663}{3749}I've got suds in the rumpus room,|if you'll join me. {3755}{3863}Okay, what the heck.|I've earned a little break. {3904}{3997}Holy moly, it's beautiful! {4005}{4086}This is your first visit|to our homestead, eh? {4092}{4207}We've only been neighbors for one,|two, three, four-- Eight years. {4213}{4296}There's my little popcorn ball.|Kissy, kissy. {4301}{4418}Hello, sponge cake. In case you're|hungry, I made club sandwiches. {4437}{4518}-Ain't she wonderful?|-Forgetting something? {4524}{4642}Your beer. Is draft okay?|Just put in the tap last week. {4714}{4843}-This is a tasty lager from Holland.|-Beggars can't be choosey. {4900}{4993}Dad, thanks for helping me|with my science project. {4997}{5027}Sure, study buddy. {5032}{5158}-I've got the best dad in the world.|-Now you know how that embarrasses me. {5164}{5229}I know. Toodley doodley. {5235}{5318}-Kids can be a trial sometimes.|-Knock it off! {5325}{5360}Knock what off? {5366}{5488}You've rubbed it in the whole time.|Your family is better than my family. {5494}{5603}Your beer is from farther away.|You and your son like each other. {5609}{5723}Your wife's butt is higher|than my wife's butt. You make me sick. {5729}{5849}I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you|to leave. I hope you understand. {5855}{5923}I wouldn't stay on a bet! {5980}{6018}One for the road. {6131}{6177}Homie, quit tossing. {6182}{6290}Sorry, Marge. I'm just steamed up|about that jerk Flanders. {6297}{6399}-Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff.|-What did he say? {6406}{6513}Get this.|He said that-- He said.... {6519}{6577}Well, it was how he said it. {6584}{6650}-How did he say it?|-He.... {6656}{6685}-Was he angry?|-No. {6691}{6758}-Rude?|-It wasn't how he said it either... {6764}{6853}...but the message was loud and clear.|Our family stinks. {6857}{6922}I'm your best friend,|but I've gotta say... {6927}{6998}...he's always been|a perfect neighbor. {7002}{7122}-He's perfect now, is he?|-He's not perfect, but he is nice. {7130}{7206}Don't backpedal. You were right. {7212}{7288}He's perfect. Perfect in every way. {7293}{7375}I'm just gonna walk|around the block to calm down. {7383}{7469}I'm not perfect, like Ned Flanders. {7687}{7781}Neddie, you're tossing.|What's the matter? {7787}{7902}I feel awful. I forget that|we have it better than the Simpsons. {7908}{8013}I drag him over, he has a beer.|Can't blame him for erupting. {8019}{8149}Then I turn into a snarling beast. I|flunked the turn-the-other-cheek test. {8154}{8275}-Maybe I'm not who you should talk to.|-You're right. {8355}{8507}-Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?|-This is Mrs. Lovejoy. Just a minute. {8515}{8570}Honey, honey, wake up. {8577}{8700}-Ned Flanders is having a crisis.|-Probably stepped on a worm. {8744}{8769}Hello, Ned. {8775}{8889}I'm sorry to bother you, but I threw|a man out of my house today. {8895}{8959}I feel like I've violated|Matthew 19: 19. {8967}{9018}-Huh?|-"Love thy neighbor." {9024}{9112}Oh, Matthew 19: 19, yeah, right. {9119}{9236}Ned, the Good Book says|a gentle answer turneth away wrath. {9241}{9305}That is a jim-dandy idea! {9311}{9362}Bless you, Reverend. {9410}{9473}"Dear Neighbor...." {9566}{9594}Flanders! {9600}{9660}I don't blame you for being upset. {9667}{9746}I just wanted to give you this.|I'll leave now. {9753}{9799}"Dear Neighbor...." {9908}{10019}"You are my brother. I love you. {10054}{10187}And yet I feel a great sadness|in my bosom." {10263}{10353}"Bosom." Wait, wait, there's more. {10358}{10449}That's awful. He opens his heart,|and you laugh at him. {10509}{10641}"Neighbors forever." Oh, no.|"Ned Flanders." {10660}{10751}-What a sap.|-Read the bosom part again, Dad. {10792}{10856}-Now, just a minute.|-Bosom. {10914}{10946}Bart! {10951}{11014}I wish we were as close as|the Flanders. {11021}{11129}Okay, she's right.|Let's do something together. {11136}{11264}How about some miniature golf,|followed by frosty milkshakes? {11269}{11345}-All right!|-I was going to wash my hair. {11351}{11460}I'm studying for the math fair.|If I win, I'll get a protractor. {11466}{11535}Too bad we don't live on a farm.|Let's go. {11660}{11692}Fore! {11864}{11926}But I got it in the middle. {11990}{12080}-D'oh! That was practice.|-Play it where it lays. {12447}{12575}There's Homer Simpson. What a perfect|opportunity to follow up on my letter. {12600}{12718}-Give up, there's a six-stroke limit.|-I can still make this for five. {12724}{12799}Come on, baby,|please, please go in. Please! {12974}{13062}-Hi, Simpson, having fun?|-What are you doing here? {13069}{13122}Mini-golfing with Todd-meister. {13129}{13160}-Hi, Bart!|-Get bent. {13166}{13232}Since we're friends,|how about a foursome? {13239}{13269}-Okay.|-Great.... {13275}{13347}Fun. You looked like|you had some trouble. {13352}{13429}Jack Nicholson couldn't make|that shot. {13436}{13535}It is difficult. The best strategy|is to play conservatively. {13541}{13641}Hug the rail. It won't go in,|but you set up an easy deuce. {13718}{13760}-It went in.|-Good shot. {13764}{13790}Luck. {13794}{13880}Final score: Bart, 41. Homer.... {13884}{13960}Six plus six, plus six,|plus six, plus six-- {13966}{14002}-Never mind.|-Look! {14039}{14142}-"First prize, $50."|-"Balloons for everyone who enters." {14148}{14197}Bartley, thinking of entering? {14203}{14290}He's entering, and he's gonna win.|Aren't you, boy? {14297}{14324}It's possible. {14332}{14442}I like that confidence but don't|pressure him. Todd's very good. {14448}{14590}Yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat|the fruit of your loins any day. {14595}{14630}Come on, boy. {14653}{14723}Dad, I've never won anything|in my life. {14730}{14877}This is the only time I will ever|say this. It is not okay to lose. {14956}{15050}Stay, stay. Good dog. {15056}{15147}Keep your head down.|Not you, I'm talking to the boy. {15153}{15236}Keep your head down. Follow through. {15275}{15379}That didn't work, so move|your head and don't follow through. {15473}{15597}Hey! That putter is to you|what a bat is to a baseball player... {15604}{15704}...what a violin is to the guy--|The violin guy. {15709}{15773}-Now give your putter a name.|-What? {15779}{15850}-Give it a name.|-Mr. Putter. {15856}{15898}Wanna try a little harder? {15904}{15967}-Give it a girl's name.|-Mom. {15973}{16006}It's Charlene. {16012}{16078}-Why?|-It just is, that's why. {16084}{16170}This is a picture of your enemy,|Todd Flanders. {16176}{16256}Every day spend 15 minutes|staring at it... {16264}{16331}...concentrating on how much|you hate him... {16335}{16441}...and how glorious it will be|when you and Charlene destroy him. {16448}{16506}-Who?|-I'll show you who she is. {16511}{16547}Now start hating. {16708}{16742}Hi, Bart. {16808}{16910}-I overheard you warping Bart's mind.|-And? {16917}{17008}Aren't you making too big a deal|of this tournament? {17015}{17096}But this is our chance|to show up the Flanderses. {17101}{17156}Sure, but why do we want that? {17161}{17273}Sometimes the only way to feel good|is to make someone feel bad... {17279}{17372}...and I'm tired of making people|feel good. {17514}{17556}Hi. What are you doing? {17562}{17631}Who are those guys in chess|that don't matter? {17637}{17749}A blockaded bishop is of little value,|but I think you mean a pawn. {17754}{17801}Right. I am a pawn. {17807}{17878}It's times like this|that I'm thankful... {17882}{17962}...Dad has almost no interest|in everything I do. {17966}{18017}Bart, I think I can help you. {18021}{18065}We begin at the library. {18085}{18144}-Hi, Lisa.|-Hi, Mrs. Norton. {18151}{18197}-Hi, Lisa.|-Hey, Ralph. {18201}{18255}-Hi, Lisa.|-Hey, gang. {18261}{18381}Bart, this is the card catalog.|Let's see. "Golf." {18387}{18506}"Anecdotes, "Eisenhower and, "|"Humor, "Japanese Obsession With".... {18511}{18578}Here it is: Putting. {18593}{18707}And the most important book of all,|the Tao Te Ching by Lao-tzu. {18715}{18799}-We can't afford all this.|-We're just borrowing them. {18805}{18847}Oh. Gotcha. {18854}{18953}-Close the logical part of your mind.|-Okay. {18959}{19010}-Embrace nothingness.|-Sure. {19016}{19078}-Become like uncarved stone.|-Done. {19083}{19155}-You're pretending to understand me.|-True. {19160}{19222}-It's very frustrating.|-I'll bet. {19228}{19342}I have a riddle for you.|What's the sound of one hand clapping? {19348}{19386}Piece of cake. {19391}{19464}It's a 3000-year-old riddle|with no answer. {19470}{19523}It's supposed to clear|your mind. {19530}{19602}No answer? Lisa, listen up. {19636}{19772}Try another one. If a tree falls and|no one's around, does it make a sound? {19778}{19817}Absolutely. {19867}{19987}But, Bart, how can sound exist|if there's no one there to hear it? {20043}{20091}It is time. {20097}{20242}The basis of this game is simple|geometry. Just hit the ball here. {20403}{20494}You've actually found|a practical use for geometry! {20986}{21013}What is this? {21021}{21102}-Get down before the neighbors see--|-Simpson! {21108}{21218}I don't care how this looks. He's|gonna mop up with your son's butt. {21224}{21269}May the best man win. {21276}{21359}"May the best man win."|The loser's mating call. {21365}{21440}Just a minute.|My son has a very good chance. {21446}{21524}-Yeah? Wanna bet?|-I'm not a betting man. {21577}{21623}-I'm a chicken, am I?|-Right. {21630}{21745}How's this? A batch of your wife's|delicious blueberry muffins... {21751}{21828}...against one of my wife's|homemade wind chimes. {21834}{21943}-Are you afraid to make a real bet?|-No, I just-- {21949}{22072}-Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.|-How about this, Henny Penny? {22078}{22159}If Bart wins tomorrow,|you have to mow my lawn. {22163}{22315}And if Todd wins, you have to mow|my lawn! And do a decent job for once. {22320}{22438}Better yet, you have to mow my lawn|in your wife's Sunday dress! {22444}{22544}You have yourself a bet,|you jackaninny! {22583}{22669}-Read that back to me.|-"The father of the loser--" {22675}{22799}"Loser" is such a harsh word.|How about "the boy who doesn't win"? {22806}{22839}Oh, man. Fine. {22845}{22940}"The father of the boy who doesn't win|has to mow the lawn... {22946}{22994}...in his wife's Sunday dress." {23000}{23093}You both have to sign?|I hope blood isn't necessary. {23099}{23168}I'm game if you are, Flanders. {23238}{23282}Good gravy, what did I do? {23289}{23357}Straighten your arm.|Rotate your shoulders. {23363}{23388}Dad! {23393}{23469}Son, all I'm asking is that you try. {23475}{23504}I'll try. {23509}{23595}Anybody can try. I want you to win! {23816}{23841}Homer? {23847}{23961}Marge, give me your honest opinion.|This, or this? {24310}{24423}Morning! By the way, the tournament|is today. And you'd better win. {24430}{24497}-Dad!|-See you downstairs, boy. {24623}{24688}-That crazy Marmaduke.|-Eight hole? {24694}{24748}-Octopus, third tentacle.|-Twelfth? {24754}{24793}-Off the grave.|-Nirvana? {24799}{24844}Bliss from oblivion of self. {24851}{24930}Here you go.|A lumberjack's meal for my golfer. {24935}{25021}Mom, Bart is on a diet|of complex carbohydrates. {25027}{25121}-Steak will make him logy.|-What won't make him logy? {25128}{25161}-Oatmeal.|-Oatmeal? {25167}{25274}A racehorse eats oats before he|or she wins the Kentucky Derby. {25281}{25389}News flash, Lisa. Bart is not a horse.|Eat your steak, boy. {25697}{25761}Good afternoon.|Welcome to the finale... {25768}{25838}...of a stirring afternoon|of miniature golf. {25845}{25924}The cream has risen,|the wheat has bid farewell... {25929}{26010}...and we begin the final match|with two warriors: {26016}{26087}The unknown Bart Simpson|and Todd Flanders... {26092}{26177}...one of the most skilled|10-year-olds to ever play. {26183}{26304}Having never received encouragement,|I'm not sure how it should sound. {26309}{26400}-But here goes. I believe in you.|-Thanks, man. {26405}{26491}-Lord, we beseech thee--|-It's no use praying. {26498}{26569}I already prayed,|and we can't both win. {26575}{26655}Simpson, we were praying|that no one gets hurt. {26660}{26777}Flanders, it doesn't matter.|Tomorrow you'll be in high heels. {26783}{26845}-No, you will.|-Afraid not. {26851}{26901}Afraid so, infinity plus one. {26924}{27028}Young Flanders has the honor|and will tee off first. {27134}{27200}It's got a chance. Yes, sir. {27206}{27350}Tree falling in the woods. Tree|falling in the woods. Tree falling.... {27504}{27575}And the battle is well|and truly joined. {27581}{27624}Mercy's for the weak, Todd. {28291}{28428}If one looked up "courage",one might|find a photo of these two gladiators. {28433}{28545}Near the Great Emancipator at|the last hole, each has eight strokes. {28551}{28711}The victor shall drink champagne while|his opponent tastes bitter defeat. {28899}{28959}It's okay, son. You can recover. {28965}{29121}Remember what Vince Lombardi said!|"Lose, and you're out of the family." {29411}{29533}Neither in best form. This pressure|can unhinge the steeliest competitor. {29573}{29658}-This is intense, isn't it?|-My knees are shaking... {29664}{29770}...I got butterflies in my stomach.|But it builds character. {29774}{29862}-Who wants character? Let's quit.|-Okay. {29884}{29989}-We decided we're equally good.|-We want to call a draw, man. {30095}{30164}Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw. {30171}{30285}Forgive this Brit for crying, but|this is the most stirring display... {30291}{30393}...of gallantry since Mountbatten|gave India back to the Punjabs. {30399}{30462}-Put it there, man.|-All right! {30542}{30622}Homer, our kids showed us|something today, huh? {30628}{30700}By working together,|we can both be winners... {30705}{30776}...and neither of us|has to do that wager. {30781}{30853}-Put it there.|-You're welching on our bet? {30859}{30910}What? Neither boy lost. {30915}{30989}"The father of the boy|who doesn't win... {30994}{31078}...has to mow the lawn|in his wife's Sunday dress." {31084}{31163}But neither-- We--|You have to do it too. {31168}{31234}Small price to see you humiliated. {31389}{31427}My best dress. {31434}{31513}One day I'll be telling this|to a psychiatrist. {31519}{31615}Listen to them laughing.|This is so humiliating. {31620}{31700}I'm never gonna live this down.|Damn Flanders. {31706}{31795}Simpson, I feel silly,|but what the hay? {31801}{31868}Reminds me of my old fraternity days. {31874}{31940}Oh, my God. He's enjoying it! {33143}{33181}Shh!