Original subtitles

Ow. Ah...

Yeah. You just lay still and I'll be back in 20 minutes.

OK...

Well, I'll just wait here...then.

HE SIGHS

BELL RINGS

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Hello?

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Hello?

Argh...

Ooh...

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Argh.

BELL CONTINUES RINGING

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Morning.

Aaaah.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

And then she just left cos she knew him...

INAUDIBLE

Fire drill's over, everybody. Thank you very much.

LIFT DINGS

Oh, yeah, fourth floor.

MAN CLEARS THROAT Excuse me. Thank you.

Number four, please. Sorry. Oh, sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

Aah. Sorry.

Fifth floor, please. Oh, no, not any more. Sorry.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, floor nine.

Ah, ah, ah...

HE SCREAMS

Yeah, I feel like a new man.

And they don't just do acupuncture, they do Swedish massage...

..they do Reiki, they do cupping.

I mean, I don't even know what cupping is.

Well, if you're feeling so great, maybe it should be you up here.

I need to ease myself back into it.

Anyway, it's how you lift -

I haven't hurt my back in 30 years of doing this.

Oh. I need to be down here to work out if anything's valuable.

Hey, "Made in China."

Weren't Ming vases made in China?

Just put it in the bag.

Cheers, Chris.

The thing is, there is no treasure.

Someone's been through here looking for valuables.

This is all junk.

Oh, I hope this isn't what I think it is.

Great.

HE LAUGHS No treasure, hey?

Are you sure?

This is a genuine...

..Musicola.

It's got mice living in it.

Come on, let's get it out to the van.

This could be worth thousands.

Look, it's all damp, it probably doesn't even work.

HE PLAYS A SIMPLE TUNE

That's the only thing I can play. Pretty good.

You should have had lessons. Yeah, I did.

Four years of lessons.

The dump shuts soon - come on, let's go.

I want to take it into town, to an antique shop, and flog it.

Well, I am going to the dump,

and you'll pay more to get this moved than you will flogging it.

Yeah, but it's not that far. But you haven't got a van!

Yeah, but four years of piano lessons taught me

that these things...

..have little wheels.

If you walk out of here now with that piano, it's your problem.

I never want to see it again.

Not my problem.

Chris, it's my ticket out of here.

PIANO CLATTERS

Chris, can you help me with the steps?

# Now the night train is waiting

# To take me away

# And I'm still feeling guilty cos you wanted me to stay

# Well, I know, how I know

# It's harder on you

# But you said it yourself, there's nothing else we can do

# When the wheels start turning

# Taking me through the night

# Out there in the darkness, there's a star shining bright

# And it makes me feel better just to see it up there

# Hope you're thinking about me... #

SONG CONTINUES OVER HEADPHONES

PIANO KEYS CLATTER DRAMATICALLY

PIANO PLAYS

HE LAUGHS

Jackpot.

Is the manager around?

Um, I've got something very special I'd like to show them.

What is it?

Uh, this piano.

Could I? Do you mind if I...?

Thank you.

Yes? Oh!

I'm Leslie and this is a lovely restaurant, sir,

but would the ambience not be improved by this?

PIANO PLAYS O SOLE MIO

Tell me this isn't going to pull the punters in?

It's classy, isn't it? No, no, no.

Eh, Tony, abbiamo bisogni di musica.

Ma que musica, nonna?

Non c'e soldi!

Ma si! Musica del vivo!

Que vivo? Non c'e soldi! Ha capito, nonna?

Ma si, si, si!

E ho visto abbiamo bisogno di musica e piu simpatica!

Dai!

Dai, dai, dai!

How much?

£500.

A night?

Are you having a laugh?

I pay you £100,

you play 8 till 11.

Oh, no, sorry, it's not me that's playing... Sorry...

..did you say £100 a night?

HE SIGHS OK, and a free dinner.

Yeah, deal.

8 o'clock. Yeah.

And you will change your clothes, right?

Oh, yeah. I've got a...

..piano suit.

Eight. All right, see you.

DOOR OPENS

WOMAN: I'm back!

Are you in?

Yeah!

Are you there? Yeah!

What do you want to do tonight?

Can't do anything.

I'm working. I've got a new job.

What?

I've got a new job, I'm working.

What?

I'm working!

A job?

Since when?

Since today.

Got to leave soon.

I start at eight...

What's the job?

You know that Italian on Bridge Street? Yeah.

Just in there.

But doing what?

Oh, well, you know, the usual. What, being a waiter?

Yeah. Yeah.

Have you told my dad?

Yeah, I texted him earlier. Hope he doesn't take it too bad.

I think he'll bounce back.

Hm.

Have you done this because you thought I was embarrassed

about you doing house clearances?

No.

It's just that you haven't really got any waiting experience,

have you?

Well, I didn't tell them that.

It's really good money, Jem.

I suppose a little white lie never hurt anyone.

Nah.

Maestro! SHE LAUGHS

Benvenuto!

Lei vuole sonar cose di bello per noi questa sera, vero?

Mm. Eh? Mm-hm. Si?

Eh, prego, prego. Prego, yeah.

Start playing whenever you are ready.

E un ragazzo talentuoso.

Actually, can I order some dinner? Could I...?

Cos I don't want to play on an empty stomach.

Yeah... HE SIGHS

..I'll go get Natalie.

So, busy tonight, isn't it?

Are you working or are you going to stay...? Hello.

Hiya. Lasagne or fish?

Um...

Lasagne, please. Lasagne, right.

Right.

PIANO BLEEPS QUIETLY

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

PIANO PLAYS Oh!

Meraviglioso.

APPLAUSE

Oh. Do you do requests?

Um, well... Could you do My Girl by The Temptations?

It's my mum's favourite song.

Oh, I'd have to have a think if I remember it.

I'm here with my sister. It would mean the world to us.

It would have been Mum's birthday today. Oh.

It's the last song she ever heard.

All right, well, I'm going to try my best. Thank you.

Yeah, I do remember it.

Yeah, of course.

PIANO PLAYS

PIANO PLAYS MY GIRL BY MADNESS

Natalie, is that the lasagne?

Is that the lasagne?

Oh, yeah. Is it...adult portion?

Yeah.

Um, I want the fish. Can I change my...?

Natalie. Oh...

HE MOUTHS

QUIETLY: ..Change my order.

I want to change my order.

What? My order.

What?

Um...

I don't want the... I don't want the lasagne any more.

Can I change it to fish?

Yeah, OK.

APPLAUSE

PIANO PLAYS

PIANO PLAYS "FUR ELISE" BY BEETHOVEN

Tony, is it all right if I go to the loo? It's over there.

Cool. I'll just be one minute.

PIANO CONTINUES

I like this bit most.

Your dinner's ready, mate. Right.

DISCORDANT CRASH PIANO STOPS PLAYING

PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING "FUR ELISE"

PIANO STOPS PLAYING

Your extra chips, Maestro. Ah, thank you.

My compliments to the chef. Everything has been exquisite.

Oh, good.

Um...do I get a pudding as well?

So, how long have you been playing the piano?

Oh, well, I've been tinkling the old ivories for...

..well, years, ever since I was a little boy.

Who's your favourite pianist?

Oh, well, it's difficult to say.

Well, who inspired you to start playing?

Um...

Elton John.

Uh...

Les Dawson.

Uh...the dog from the Muppets.

Rowlf? Mm.

Yeah, you can say what you like about him, he was good.

He really went for it. You had to admire his enthusiasm.

What about, like, what classical pianists inspired you?

Beethoven.

What did we say about me getting a pudding?

What's your favourite piece by Beethoven?

# Do-do-do-doooo...

# Do-do-do-doooo... #

His 5th Symphony. Yeah, the fifth one. Oh, yeah.

Cos he, you know, had four goes at it and by the fifth...

..he'd nailed it.

Yeah, I know what you're up to.

What?

I know what you're up to.

I play the piano.

Oh, a fellow musician.

Yeah, you're miming and you're not doing a very good job of it.

OK, what do you want?

Half. Half?

No way.

All right, then, I'll go and tell Tony

about your little scam, then, shall I? All right.

Half. Fine.

Oh, and just a little tip - this hand does the low notes

and this hand does the high notes.

You're all over the place.

PIANO PLAYS

Thank you.

Oh, hello. Hey.

Sangita, this is Leslie, my fiance. Hello. Hi.

I've heard so much about you. Oh, all good, I hope.

THEY CHUCKLE

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Shall we...?

Shall we have some drinks? Yeah, OK.

Excuse me, could you get these ladies some drinks, please?

Well, nice to meet you...see you.

I've got to go over there now. OK. Yeah.

HE SIGHS

I'm not paying you to stand around. Yeah.

Yeah.

PIANO PLAYS

Wow!

Jemma, you didn't tell me he was a pianist.

No, I did... I didn't know. We didn't... We didn't know...

..how good he was.

Oh, he's amazing.

You are so lucky.

My Scott doesn't have a musical bone in his body.

Aw, doesn't he?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was coming to tell you that I'm not ashamed of you.

Whether you're a removals man or a waiter, I love you.

Thank you. But now I'm thinking - how are you doing that?

Oh.

Does he think you're playing it?

Mm.

You said a little white lie never hurt anyone.

I think he could really hurt you.

He's never going to find out.

Hopefully.

I'm going to go and order.

All right. Enjoy the show.

Oh, Jemma. What?

Don't get the lasagne.

Why? It's tiny.

What?

It's tiny.

Thank you.

Those boys are looking at us.

JEMMA AND SANGITA LAUGH

Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

This next song is dedicated to my beautiful fiancee,

who's sitting there.

ALL: Aw!

We're getting married in a few weeks

and I wanted to dedicate a song for you.

ALL: Ey!

Um...

Um, well, she's always supported me and been proud of me

no matter what job I've done...

..piano job I've done, right from the early days

when I just had a little piano with just a few keys

to playing at the...

..Grand...National...

..Piano Centre.

Anyway, this one's for you, Jem. I love you.

APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS SIMPLE TUNE

I love this one.

PIANO PLAYS FRANTICALLY

Just joking.

MUSIC CHANGES

It's a medley!

PIANO MISPLAYS

PIANO PLAYS RAPIDLY

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

CACOPHONY

PIANO SLOWS TO A STOP

NO SOUND

Get it out! Get it out now!

DINERS SCREECH

Well, I suppose it's not all bad, is it?

How?

Well, we both got a free dinner. Oh, yeah.

Here he is.

Leslie.

Well, I nearly earned 100 quid. No, 50. 50.

That ain't going in my van. I'm working first thing.

Can't we just dump it somewhere?

I'm not fly-tipping in my company van.

What time does the dump open?

And I'm not getting up at six to go to the dump, no.

This is what we're going to do...

We're going to wheel it up there, leave it outside the charity shops.

LESLIE LAUGHS "Please take," that's clever.

But isn't that just fly-tipping?

It's middle-class fly-tipping.

Right, get down, Jem. Come on. Let's do it.

I'm going to do my back in, pushing this.

Well, then, you should go and see my acupuncturist.

I mean, people say it doesn't hurt, right, but it definitely does.

Oh, those mice were so cute.

I want a mouse, actually. I'm getting one.

Chris, can I have my job back, please? Yeah.

I'll pick you up in the morning, usual time. Nice one.

I reckon we're going to find some treasure any day now.