All language subtitles for Man.With.A.Plan.S04E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

MAN WITH A PLAN #402
"Going All The Way"
Closed Captioned

Can I have $20?

I'm not gonna just give you $20.
You have to work to earn money.

I've been hanging
with you all day.

(door opens)

Hey, I thought you
were at the movies.

Oh, I was,
and then Teddy texted,

"Mom, emergency,
need deodorant ASAP."

That's not good. Deodorant's
like a parachute--

if you suddenly realize you
need it, it's probably too late.

Where's my sweaty boy?

He's up in his room.

You're not gonna warn her?

Where's the fun in that?

Girl!

I just caught Teddy
in his room with a girl.

And get this, she's
a year older than him.

Kid's punching
above his weight.

You knew about this?

Yeah, well, they're just
doing homework. It's innocent.

There are blankets
in there, Adam.

Do you know what blankets hide?

Of course I do. If I hadn't
kept a blanket in my truck,

we would've gotten arrested
every time we parked

for more than five
minutes. (chuckles)
Ugh.

Okay, two things:

one, I'm in the room
and you're grossing me out.

Okay, two,

you're really grossing me out.
I just wanted to say that again.

Hold on,
what're you doing?

I'm getting those
blankets out of there.

I'm saving my baby before
he gets tangled in her web.

Would you leave them alone?

(sighs)

Teddy is barely
a teenager, Adam,

and he has a girl in his room.

That's a good point. I should
go tell him I'm proud of him.

Okay, your mother and I
had a talk...

You mean,
she talked, you listened.

I've seen it.

(chuckles)

Actually, this time I talked.

I explained how

all of this is normal,

and she promised not to yell
"girl" anymore.

In exchange, you'll have to
share a milkshake with her

every so often.

One glass,
two straws.

But if you're gonna have girls
over, which-- congratulations...

(clears throat)

...there are rules.

Okay, first, no girls in
your room with the door closed

and-and no sitting
on the bed.

Now, couches are okay
with a two-cushion buffer.

Look, but don't touch, hmm?

Same rules as
the ceiling fan.

There's no touching,
we're just friends.

Hmm.

But I wish she was
my girlfriend.

Teddy, wh-when you say you
want her to be your girlfriend,

what does that
mean to you?

Well, I'd like her
to sit with me at lunch.

BOTH:
Aw.

Save me a seat in Spanish class.

Mm-hmm.
That's nice.

And next week at Jeremy's
roller-skating party,

I'd like to go all the way...

BOTH:
What?!

...around the rink with her.

You know,

hold her hand
during couples' skate.

Oh, o-okay, okay.
Yeah, okay.

ADAM:
Yeah.

I just don't know how to get her
from friend to girlfriend.

Oh. (chuckles)

Teddy, my boy, you were born
to the right father.

This is like
Bruce Lee's son

saying he wants
to learn kung fu.

Or he could just
learn it on his own.

(chuckles)

Andi.
Yeah.

I've been waiting 14
years for this moment.

I didn't go through all that
time from when he was born

to now for nothing.

Teddy, the lessons

will begin tomorrow.

Thanks, Dad.

Aw.
Lessons?

The kid's got natural talent,

like his father before him.

Okay? I am a well-known wooer.

Teddy is a Burns man,

and he has finally
found his thing.

His "thing" is what
I'm worried about.

Now listen, getting out of
the "friend zone" is tricky.

I've heard. It's never
actually happened to me.

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Dad's teaching me
about girls.

Without us?

Yes, intentionally
without you.

I'm helping him turn a
friend into a girlfriend.

It is not easy to do.

Take it from a guy who's been
a maid of honor three times.

Don't listen to them,
listen to me.

And that's just a
good rule in general.

Now, any romance
is a complicated operation;

it requires strategic planning.

And what happens when we
don't have a plan, Teddy?

We get lost, argue with Mom, and
then eventually look at a map.

Orlando is a poorly
designed city.

The point is,
we need a plan.

No, he doesn't
need a plan.

I mean, if you must
get involved,

at least don't
teach him nonsense.

What are you doing in here?

I'm dusting,

like I do.

No, you don't.

That's not even a real duster.

It came with your sexy maid
Halloween costume.

Well, I'm here now,
and I have something to say.

(sighs)

Teddy...

Teddy, relationships
can't be planned.

They-they blossom naturally
through chemistry.

It-It's magic,

and magic can't be faked.

Literally all
of magic is fake.

Don't you say that.

Look, I agree with Adam.

Sometimes being yourself
isn't enough.

Oh, everyone be quiet,
the divorced guy's talking.

Look, I've never had a plan,

and I've had a lot of dates end
with a friendly handshake.

I've walked into
a lot of weddings

on the arm of the best man.

We get it, you
agree with me.

Go dust something.

I'm just saying that there are
moments that can't be faked.

Like, when we were first dating,

a waitress came to our table
and she said,

"You two are the cutest couple.
You're perfect for each other,"

and that's when I knew
it was right.

It was magic. Admit it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That was
a truck blanket night.
Yeah.

So, Teddy, if you want
this girl to like you,

just let the magic happen.

Or don't do that, and get
yourself a girlfriend.

Your choice.

Sorry, Mom,
I'm going with Dad.

(chuckles)

He's no dummy.

You want to learn to cook?
You come to Chef Boyardee.

Are you Chef Boyardee
or Bruce Lee?

I'm dinner and a movie.

I do it all, baby.

All right, now you just need
to shift the conversation

from friend stuff to asking
her to the skate party.

Here, we-we'll do
a demonstration.

Don, you be Madison.

That makes sense.

Hey, Madison,
how's it going?

Cool, cool.

Now you're grooving,
so you hit her with,

"Hey, are you going
to Jeremy's skate party?"

I was thinking about it.

Yeah? Me, too. Hey,

I just thought of something:
we should go together.

Sorry, I don't date guys
shorter than me.

I knew you'd ruin it.
I just didn't know when.

Look, Teddy, next, we need
to manufacture some magic.

Okay? Set up a situation

where it looks like fate
caused you to run into her.

Girls love that.

Can you get your hands
on an ice cream truck?

The music will
do the work for you.

I got it, I got it.

You casually bump into her

while she's waiting
for her parents at pickup.

Madison rides
her bike to school.

Hmm, okay, uh-- Oh.

How about this?
(chuckles)

You slip out during lunch
and you pop a hole in her tire.

Then you can patch it for her
like I taught you last week.

I remember you showing me,
but I stopped paying attention

because I realized if I ever
needed it, you could do it.

Fine, just let the air out
of her tire,

then offer
to push her bike home.

During the walk,
you ask her to the party.

That's great.
Yeah.

Wait, what if she says no?

Ah, always remember two
words, "Just kidding."

They get you out of any
embarrassing situation.

Except when you try to steal
a monkey from the zoo.

They count those things
every night.

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

I'm telling you.
(laughs)

What's all this?

Oh, it's a celebration.

Yeah, Teddy's asking
Madison out today,

so I invited the guys over
to share in my victory--

Teddy-Teddy's victory.
We come from

a long line
of ladies' men.

First me, then Donny,
and now Teddy.

Well said, Pop.

There he is.
How'd it go, champ?

Madison said no.

What happened?
Did you push her bike home?

It was hot.
Did you forget deodorant?

No, it just didn't work.

That's because it
was all a setup.

You can't manufacture magic.
Women can always tell.

No, snacks are for closers.

Don't worry, Teddy,
we'll figure this out.

Actually, if you want
to get closer to a woman,

you should probably
talk to a woman.

Where am I gonna get one of
those? That's my whole problem.

Me, Teddy. I'm a woman.

I can, I can help you
if you want.

Really? That's awesome.
Thanks, Mom.

Yeah.
Hold on.

What about me?

You're out.
I need results.

I don't get this. I gave him
solid gold material.

That's the point.

You gave him material, right?
It wasn't real.

You-you call yourself
this great wooer...

But you whiffed.

You're a whiffer.

He needs a woman

to help him with this, Adam.

I know what women want.

Okay, if I don't know what
women want, how did I get you?

That was magic.

You didn't do anything.

Oh, really? You know,

it's interesting

you would say that,
because you know that story

about the waitress
you love so much?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah? Yeah.

I paid her ten dollars
to say we were a perfect couple.

Manufactured magic.

And it worked. Ha!

(laughs)

So, the precious
moment that I remember

as the universe giving me a sign
that we were meant to be...

was a trick?

Come on. It's funny.
It's the old

"you married a different
guy than you thought" gag.

Hey. Uh,

remember the thing I said

about giving that waitress
ten dollars?

Just kidding.

I'm just saying,
if I hadn't paid that waitress

to say we were perfect
for each other,

we might not even be together.

You ever think of that?

I'm thinking about it
right now.

But everything worked out.

Look at us! We're in love.

(scoffs)
What you don't get is

that you didn't
need to do it.

I already liked you.

Well, and I already
liked you, too.

That's why I had to play all
those tricks and lock it down.

All those tricks?
There's more?
No. Who said that?

I'm starting to question
a lot of things.

Wh-Wh... What about that
night in your apartment

when the lights went out,
so you lit a bunch of candles,

and then you took your
shirt off to fix it?

I cut the power.

But my muscles were real
and so were my feelings for you.

Mm. Mm-hmm. And
that wounded dove

that you brought over to my
house to nurse back to health?

Did you choke it out so I could
see your soft and gentle side?

No! I would never do that.

I soaked some bread
in cough medicine.

But it's still a great memory.

And that bird got
the best sleep of his life.

You are unbelievable.

I know.

But you're not saying it
like it's a compliment.

Mom, do you have time
to talk about Madison?

Of course, honey.

(gasps)
Hmm.

I'll make us a milkshake.

One glass, two straws.

Hey, hey.

If you want to come back
to Team Dad,

I got some ideas
to figure this out.

We get you and Madison
in an elevator.

I cut the power. Oh.

Or a Ferris wheel, huh?

I cut the power.

I'm good.

Fine.

Wouldn't even be here
if I hadn't cut the power.

(sighs)

I see you and Teddy have managed

to pry yourselves apart
for a few minutes.

He's at soccer practice.

You two were talking for a long
time in his room last night.

Girl in room, door closed--

I thought that was
against your rules.

Yeah, but I just assumed

that rules went out the window
after I found out

that our relationship was based
on a drugged bird.

I'm Teddy's dad.

I should be teaching him
this stuff.

This is my only chance.

We have two girls and one boy.

You get to do it twice.

Fine. You can have
one of the girls.

I don't want the girls!
I want Teddy!

I had him first.
Then you stole him!

I didn't steal him.

He chose me, because I have
advice that actually works.

Let's hear
your wonderful advice.

Okay. Well, he said he gets
nervous talking to Madison,

so I told him to send her a text

explaining how he feels
about her.

Open and honest.

That's what girls want.

Uh-huh. Okay. Uh-huh.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Oh, hi.

It's Madison's mom.

She's probably calling
to thank me.

We should enjoy this
together. What's up, Kathy?

Your son is sending my daughter
weird text messages.

If it doesn't stop,

I'm getting the school involved.

Right. Well, bye-- Oh.
You already hung up.

Oh, my God. Getting
the school involved?!

All right. Uh,
where's his phone?

Uh... backpack.

Uh... Oh, boy.
Brace yourself.

"I drew your face on an
apple, and then I ate it."

Did you...?

You can't say that.

Listen to this one.

"I follow you
on Instagram, Twitter,

and secretly,
on your way home."

Uh... this is bad.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Um... uh, all right.

Katie and Emme get married,
and Teddy lives with us

the rest of his life.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not so bad.

It'll be like
having a lonely butler.

(sighs)
I feel terrible for him.

We have to do something.

There is no coming back from
eating her face on an apple.

You know what we need?

Whiskey.
No, no, no, no.

We need some Adam Burns magic.
Oh.

Your fake magic,
your trickery.

I thought you hated that stuff.

Yeah, but we have to help Teddy,

and-and it works, right?
It worked on me.

I mean, you schemed your way
into getting a woman

you in no way deserved.

I am good, aren't I?
Mm-hmm.

So you're not mad at me for
paying that waitress anymore?

(sighs)

I'm choosing to believe

that when she said we
were the cutest couple

and perfect for each other,
that there was magic.

The magic of getting you,

a known cheapskate, to
part with ten dollars.

Yeah, she wouldn't
make change.

All right, so...

So what are you thinking?
Uh, well,

we combine our
superpowers, right?

My honesty and
your man-made magic.

Right? If we work together,
we can save the day.

I like it.

I think this is how
the Avengers started.

Yes.

Look, we came here

because we want
to be completely honest.

Madison, you and Teddy

were doing great,

but then we got involved
and ruined everything.

Yeah, we were the problem,
and we're, and we're so sorry.

Do you like Teddy?

I did until people told me he
let the air out of my bike tire.

That was me.
I told him to do that.

And I'm the one who told him

to send you super-honest text
messages about his feelings.

You guys are the worst.

Yes. Thank you, Kathy.

That's what we're saying.
We're the worst.

But Teddy's not.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you
two actually came here.

Leave these poor
people alone.

We're just trying
to fix what we screwed up.

I'll handle this.

Hey, Madison,
you know me, right?

Everyone at school
knows you.

You're a legend. I heard
you had a party...

Uh, we don't need
to talk about that.

Uh, listen.

I saw you and
Teddy at our house,

and I was like-- and I wrote
this down so I'd remember it--

"Oh, my God.

"You two are the
cutest couple.

You're perfect
for each other."

Really?
Totally.

And if you like Teddy,

I think you should go to
the skate party with him.

It'll be fun.

All right,
I want to go with him.

Mom?

Fine, but I'm driving
both ways.

ADAM:
Yeah.

Oh. Yeah.
Great. Great.

And-and we promise that we
will never get involved

in Teddy's personal
life again.

Oh, by the way,
you have a beautiful...

Oh. And you already
closed the door.

Way to go, Avengers.
(laughs)

Instead of saving the world,
we tricked a teenage girl,

but it still feels good.
Mm-hmm.

What's that?

That's the 20 bucks
we agreed on.

Yeah, 20 bucks to do it,

but did we settle on a price for
me not telling Teddy about it?

That kid is going places.

Mm-hmm.

Adam, what's happening?

Wow. Looks like
the power went out.

Right when the kids
are at my folks'

and I have this candle
in one hand and...

a bottle of wine in the other!

That's lucky.

(laughs)

You cut the power, didn't you?

Do you really want to know,

or do you want to
just enjoy the magic?

I'll take the magic.

Yeah.

Go ahead. Woo me.

I thought I just did.

I can go outside and
try to catch a bird,

but I got to
tell you, honey,

I'm not as quick
as I used to be.

(laughs)

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