Original subtitles

- Are you nervous? - Oh, my God!

No, no, no. You ready? Just right here.

Stay there.

Alright. Open your eyes!

Happy birthday!

It's our farm of the future!

Oh, my gosh! Honey!

This is unbelievable!

It's your plan to renovate the farm.

Honey, you have everything.

You've got the hoop barn I want to build.

- Yep. - Oh, wow! How did you do this?

Oh, I didn't do it.

Just a-a very combative woman on Etsy did.

- But yeah. - Oh, that's great.

I got you a gift from the gas station.

The men's bathroom key.

Happy birthday, Young Mike.

Ohh. Rudy! That's so thoughtful. Thank you.

Just curious. Whose gift do you like better?

- Mm. You know, they're both wonderful. - Uh...

Stop wasting my time. Pick.

- Rio... Rio's is nicer. - Thank you.

You ungrateful son of a bitch.

- Oh, well... - Okay. Well, alright.

Well, this is it. This is the plan.

I know. I just got to run it by my folks,

- make sure they approve. - Yeah.

You know, it's been in the family for generations.

I mean, they're all the way to St. Louis,

and they never come to visit us or anything,

which is...

Happy birthday!

Oh, my God! Mom! Dad!

And Matt!

Oh, Michael.

Look at me.

- Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you, Dad.

Look at me!

Happy birthday, Michael.

- Aww. - Thank you, Mom.

Brother, look at me. Hey, happy birthday.

- Oh, I missed you. - Ohh!

Yeah, yeah. Look at me again.

So much eye contact.

Happy birthday!

So... So warm.

- Ohh! - Ohh.

- Happy. - I'm a child of divorce.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Okay, they are unpacking.

- Oh, good. Good. - I just can't believe they're here.

- Honey! I just love my family so much. - I know!

I know. I feel like I've witnessed

more hugging today

than I have in my entire childhood.

Gosh, I just hope that they’re not disappointed

when they find out the plans for the farm, you know?

- Oh, they're gonna... - It's just a very special place

- for them, too, you know? - No, I know that.

Doth mine nose smell pizza bagels?

- Ohh! - Look at this hound dog!

- Wow! - Yeah, this is Michael's...

- ... favorite childhood snack, right? - Wow...

You can wash those babies down with a Natty Cuke.

It's a new cucumber low-cal soft drink

that my company's launching. Check this out.

- I'm excited! - Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's delicious. Prepare to have your mind blown.

Oh, yeah. Looks thick.

Ho-cha-cha-cha.

That is... It's m...

There's milk...

Is... It's milkier than I, uh, expected?

Thank you so much.

- Ah! - That is so cool.

- That's great. - You okay, Dad?

Uh, oh, yeah.

It's just, you know, having everybody here,

I just... I'm so damn happy.

Happy birthday, buddy.

- Look at that. Just... - Come here.

I love you.

- Oh, I love you, Michael. - Oh, Mom.

Aww, I love you, brother.

- Good! Ohh. - There. Get in here, Matty.

I love you guys so much. Oh, is my hug okay?

Uh, just kind of hurt my neck a little bit.

- Oh, I did? - Yeah. That's okay.

- It's an old injury. - Totally.

- It had nothing to do with you. - Sorry.

Oh, Mike, uh, Rio had a great idea.

Oh, I did have a good idea. Um, I just...

I got this photo of you guys, um, back in the day.

- Oh, that's us! - It was Mike's 5th birthday.

Rudy had too much frosting on his hands and dropped him.

Look at Rudy.

- What? - Oh, my God!

- He's like a ripped glass of milk. - Right?

This is just an idea,

that we could, like, re-create this photo.

- Oh, you want to re-create it?! - Um, tomorrow. Yeah.

And, obviously, Maggie's not here,

so I thought maybe I can play Maggie.

Mnh.

- What? - It's a family photo.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Duh.

Yeah, I didn't even think about it like that.

Of course you can be in it.

- She walked right into that one! - Oh, so good!

- Has this guy got it or what? - Ahh! Just great.

I owe you one.

Okay.

Wait, is that for me?

Yeah, you... you told me to buy it for you.

I also told you to surprise me.

Whatever.

- I'll still marry you. - Oh.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Stop it!

No! Take it outside.

We're engaged now. We can make out wherever we want.

I'm sorry, Brandon. I know it's really difficult

to watch two people in love when you're lonely and single.

Okay, it's not about that, alright?

- This is a place of business. - Sure.

You can't just be licking each other in here.

No. No, no, no. We just talked abo...

- No, no, no, no. - Hey, uh, enough, enough!

Come on, now, Janine, Jacob.

Come on, get on out of here.

Alright, come on. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

I hate to say it, but I really am jealous of them.

I just want what they have.

I mean, not exactly what they have.

That was yucky. But, like...

You just have to get on... "the net."

Okay. I'm on all the apps.

- Mmkay. - The other day,

I almost had a date in Nevada,

but I wasn't sure the RV would make it.

You were gonna show up in the RV?

Why don't you just bring a human head while you're at it?

I mean, I would get into an RV with a man,

but I know I'd never come out.

No, there's got to be someone on here that you can date.

You know, there's gotta be. Come on.

Look, what about her? Look.

She's butt-naked on a Lambo.

No, that's Clara.

- Eh. - Sometimes I catfish.

Meow, meow.

- Glub, glub. - Mm-hmm.

That's a catfish.

That's a catfish.

- She got me like five times already. - I did!

I couldn't believe it kept happening.

Well, it took me a while, but once I got the feed

- conversion ratio right... - Yeah.

these hens started cranking out eggs

faster than we could sell them.

Wow!

You've done marvelously.

This farm is your canvas, and you are Picasso.

Actually, you're better than Picasso

'cause you don't date teenagers.

- Thanks, Dad. - Wait till you see

his plans for the future.

- Ohh! - Whoa!

- Right. - Oh.

So, as you can see, what I'm thinking about doing

is tearing that shed down...

- and putting in a hoop barn. - Yeah...

And I just... I hope I have everyone’s blessing.

You're more than a farmer, my friend.

You are a visionary,

and you won't let us down, son.

You are going to execute this to perfection.

Ah.

What did y'all do?

We just changed your pictures.

We Photoshopped out the RV,

and we made your smile look normal.

And I messaged a lot of beautiful ladies for you.

"Hey, girl,

- you're sweeter than honey." - Yeah.

With a picture of Winnie the Pooh

- eating honey off his paw. - So cute.

Okay, that is super lame.

Oh, my God, it worked.

Oh, look!

I got you a date, honey.

Look at that... Oh! Look at that bitch.

She describes herself as a "fun weirdo."

Mm-hmm.

And she has a picture of herself with Jeff Goldblum!

- Wow. - He does not do that for just anyone.

- He does not. - And she plays Minecraft?!

- Whoa, this might be my wife. - What... W...

Uh, uh, honey, honey, honey.

You take the police cruiser

and go sweep her off her feet.

Okay. Wait.

But is taking a police car better than the RV?

- Yes! - Hurry up! Just go!

- Get that ass. - Get that ass.

I would get in Jeff Goldblum's RV.

Must feel very satisfying to have, you know,

your whole family kind of stand by you, love your plan.

Yeah, yeah, I liked it a lot.

I mean, obviously, I have to scrap the whole plan now.

- What do you mean? - Well, you heard

how much they loved it.

The weight of that pressure

makes me feel like whatever we do on this farm

has to be absolutely perfect,

or I'm gonna completely let them down.

Anything that you do,

they're gonna be so proud of you.

You know, it's like your dad...

He, like, takes one of those cucumber sodas of Matt's

and he just chugs it without flinching.

- Yeah. - Like...

Well, what... Wait. Why would he flinch?

Because it's... it ta...

It's terr... It's a horrible drink.

I mean, you get that, right?

Well, I didn't love it, but I don't like cucumber.

But do you... Wait, do you think my parents

- were faking their reaction? - No, it... It t...

- Yes! - 'Cause they...

my family's not like that.

They're... They're honest people, you know?

Very, very honest.

That soda tastes like pure ass.

It did taste like... like baby burps, and I don't...

- Aah! - Oh, my God! Rudy?

- Whoops. - I'm so sorry!

We were just getting ready for the photo tomorrow.

Really exciting. We got our props.

The one thing we're curious about is...

- The ta... Yeah. - ... this table.

Do you know where this table is?

- Do you know where this table is? - Just here in the photo?

- Are you okay? - No, I have no memory

of that table whatsoever.

Ask me again, I'll say the same thing.

Okay. Like, do you know where the table is, or...?

You keep asking me about things I don't know anything about.

It's starting to piss me off!

Okay, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey.

My mother told us what happened on that day,

- so you don't need to be embarrassed. - Oh, yeah.

- We laugh about that. - Oh, 'cause of the... Yeah.

You laugh at us?

- Yeah. - That's kind of rude. I tried my best.

Your mom is not an easy woman to please sexually.

I'm sorry? You... You laid with my mom?

Yes, on the table.

What story were you talking about?

- Oh, my... - We were j...

We were talking about when you got, uh...

cake frosting on your hand

and you were holding Baby Mike and...

- And he fell, and that's... - Oh, that story.

Memories.

Oh, God.

- This was all a dream. - Oh... Oh, God.

- This was a dream. Look at me. - Oh, my God. Uh...

- Yeah, that doesn't work. - Look at me.

This was all a dream. Mike!

Hey. Hey, sweetie.

♪ Happy birthday to you, my love ♪

Thank you.

♪ You did not sleep well last ni-ight ♪

- I did not sleep a ton... - I know.

But, you know, whatever.

I got a birthday 5K to run, so...

So, every birthday, you have to do a 5K?

Oh, yeah, ev... It's mandatory.

Always a 5K birthday run.

I want to tell you something.

I feel for you right now. And I'm here for you.

I'm just pouring love to you, and I want you to know,

you know, all this, like, deep family secrets stuff,

these betrayals and things like that...

I-I understand that.

That's some... That's some classic

Levine family shenanigans.

And I'm kind of like, "Hold up."

Like, "Do we really want to go on a 5K right now?"

"Or do we want to go into the living room

and just have a little family talk?"

Listen, we're never, ever talking about that.

We're gonna bottle that right up,

seal it with duct tape,

bury it in a 20-foot-deep hole.

You got to promise me. This is what I want for my birthday.

This stays secret.

Well, I got you the farm model for your birthday.

Okay, then, I guess I'm requesting a second present.

I got... I also got you a vest.

Could I return the vest for this favor?

Okay, I will do it because you are the birthday boy

and because this is your family and I respect that.

- Okay? - Okay.

I do have one question for you, if I may.

I'm not Rudy's son.

I... We took a DNA test last year for Christmas...

... the whole family, and we're all in the same tree.

- There's no... - Yeah.

... shrubbery getting in there.

No, I wasn't gonna ask that.

Um, it is what I was gonna ask, actually.

- Okay. - Alright.

- Let's get after it. - Yeah. Whoo!

Whoa, somebody's full of birthday beans!

- Yes. - Michael, Michael, look at me.

- Why aren't you looking at me? - Michael, look at your mother.

- Dude, look at Mom. - Look at me.

I am, I am, I am, I am, I am.

Happy birthday. I love you.

- Isn't that sweet? - Thank you.

- That's sweet. - I love you, too, son.

If there's ever anything you want to talk about, just...

Okay. You know what?

Hey, look, birthday run started! Let's do it!

Point out local wildlife if you see it!

- You play Minecraft? - Mm-hmm.

Wow. I didn't get a gamer vibe from your profile.

Yeah, no, my profile's all over the place.

Lot of cooks in the kitchen.

You know how it is.

Not really.

Oh! Sorry.

Blowing up.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Are you crazy?

What are you doing here?

You haven't been returning my phone calls.

I made a man's profile online and messaged your date.

The name's Diego Loco.

And she te gusta.

And she agreed to go out with Diego

while she was on a date with you.

She's not serious about you!

Of course she's not serious about me.

We just met.

I'm gonna go back in there.

I'm gonna finish my date. And, you, drive my house home.

Please!

And Diego Loco?

That's racist.

Sorry. Running around out there.

I just paid.

Okay. Uh, well, I'll get the next one.

Let's keep this thing going.

Oh, cool. Yeah. Where should we go?

That gross RV, where you just took a secret meeting?

Don't abduct me.

I'm filming you.

All my friends on Minecraft know I'm here,

and they will hunt you down and make a podcast about you!

O-Okay, well... well, my friends on Minecraft

will say something different!

They'll say I was a quiet guy who kept to himself!

I just followed a little bunny for like a half a mile.

It was awesome!

- Had a good run. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, Michael, you're phenomenal.

You're like a human gazelle.

How do you run so fast?

You know, I just imagined I was being chased

by something scary I didn't want to confront.

- Go, Rio! - Oh, God.

Thank God you guys stop every mile to do push-ups.

- Otherwise, you would have lapped me. - Yeah.

- Holy smokes! It's Rudy! - What?

- Hey, you! - Oh, boy.

- There it is. - Really good to see you.

Oh, man, she's really touching his face. Look at her.

- Oh, boy. - Just caressing him.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

The... The... The chemistry's undeniable.

- It's undeniable, right? - Oh!

Now that we have Rudy, let's take that photo!

- That's a great idea. - Yeah. Okay.

- We'll get cleaned up. - Yeah, great idea.

We'll clean up.

You get it done, and you move forward.

I'm sorry. I know this is uncomfortable for all of us.

If I could go back in time and only

make love to your mother with my hands, I would.

- Cut it out. Cut it out. - Sorry.

- I'm sorry. - You're on very thin ice.

Okay, okay, let's take this picture.

- Good. - Have a little fun.

- Rio, you look amazing! - Time to have fun, take this picture.

I mean, you even have Maggie's nervous energy.

Yes, well, that's me. I'm... I'm Maggie!

- I'm freaking out. - Okay, coming in.

Watch your toes, everybody.

- That's our kitchen table. - That's the kitchen table.

Well, it turns out the table in the picture

is actually the one you guys eat off of every day.

How crazy is that?!

- It's... - Oh, my God. It's...

Yeah... uh, disturbingly crazy, yeah.

Somebody put a nice finish on this.

This table has seen a lot of love.

Oh, uh, let's take the picture! Let's take the picture.

This is great. Isn't this great?

Okay, places, everyone.

Okay, Matthew, you're...

Yeah, you're down in front.

Okay, Rudy, where were you?

- Behind Maryanne. - Hey!

I-It doesn't have to be exact, though.

We could just kind of, like, wing it.

Well, actually, uh, we're trying to re-create a photograph.

It does have to be exact, or the premise collapses.

Um, Michael, can you put your face on the table

and smoosh it around, like a baby?

- No, absolutely not. - Come on. Get in there.

Sweetheart, just a quick, little smoosh.

You know what? He's not much of a smoosher.

It's easy. You just smoosh...

No, no, no... Dad, dad, dad!

- What? - D-Don't put your face on there!

- Ugh! - Look at me. Look at me!

What has gotten into you?

Look at me. I've got your back.

Okay, I know what you did on this table.

Did s-something happen on this ta...

Oh.

- Oh. - Oh!

Aw, I guess we couldn't hide it forever.

Nope. I guess it's time you knew, son.

Di...

Y-You know about the affair?

Oh, of course I know.

She's my wife.

Can you believe this?!

- Oh, yeah, I already knew. - You knew?!

- Yeah, I read Mom's e-mail. - Uh, you read my email?!

Wait, you were e-mailing about this?

The dummy of the family knew?!

- Okay. - Who's the dummy of the family?

There’s a lot of new information

on the table here.

- Sorry to bring up "table." - It meant nothing.

It was a couple of hot nights

during the summer your father and I were separated.

They... They were separated.

You didn't tell me that they were separated.

No, well, I couldn't have told you that

because I had no idea you guys were separated.

What is going on here?!

Your mother came here

when I was living with two women in Quebec.

You were with two Canad... At the same time?!

Yes. But I wasn't in charge.

We didn't tell you because we didn't want you to be upset.

- You weren't in charge? - Oh, well, mission accomplished.

This will be the most memorable birthday of my life.

So, thank you all so much. I can’t believe you knew.

Honey, do you want me to come with you?

I'm gonna be alone!

I think Michael is mad.

- Oh, is he? I didn't realize that. - Yeah.

Thank you for that observation, Matthew.

- Uh, don't pick on Matty. - I feel like, you know,

with all due respect to your process in this situation,

I do feel that you should have told Mike.

I wanted to, but no one would listen to me.

I knew this was gonna happen.

- And... - Maryanne, listen to that.

You gave birth to Nostradamus.

- Well... - Stop it.

This is turning into the charades incident.

I don't know who Mariah Carey is!

She sang "Vision of Love." Classic.

Oh, you know who she is.

- But you can't do that in charades! - Now this reminds me of home.

This is a special blend that I use with my family.

Particularly, there was this couple Thanksgivings back,

my aunt locked herself in the bathroom

and shaved her head.

It was, like, a whole...

She does it every year. It's like...

Well, our family never fights.

I don't know what to do.

There's two ways to go.

You could do what my family does,

which is to lie and manipulate each other,

or you could just be honest with yourself.

It feels so much better. Be honest with everyone else.

You're right. You're right. You're right. You are so right.

I'm going to tell you everything.

- Oh. Okay, well... - Martin and I

were in a rut romantically.

It was like Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg.

- I mean, they had chemistry. - Sure.

- You know, but they never had sex. - Sure.

So... we decided to explore our sexuality

'cause everyone was doing that back then.

So I thought to myself, "If I am into light BDSM"...

- "should I find out?" - Mm-hmm...

- Sure. - So I did, and I am quite into it.

Well, we had this canopy bed...

and we had these straps that'd hang from it.

- Sure. - And, oh,

I tell you, I'm lucky to be alive.

- Amen to that. - Oh.

- Mmm! - Ah.

Chicory, right?

Yes. Good nose.

I'm pretty good with flavors.

- Are you? - Yeah.

So, anyway,

it's pretty stressful right now.

- Yeah. - I mean,

Natty Cuke is a slam dunk.

- That's obvious. - Is it?

But, um, I spent a ton on research.

- Hmm. - Couldn't get a loan from the bank,

so I borrowed money from this guy Jerry.

I met him at the gym.

He loaned me all the cash, which is great.

- Oh! - But it does turn out

that he's actually a pretty dangerous guy.

- Oh. - So, it's like...

He's not dangerous to you, though?

He's roughed me up a couple times,

but that is only because I've missed my payments.

- Oh. - So, it's, like,

I'll try not to do that, you know?

Sorry. That's really loud.

- Just let me... - Wow.

I don't know quite what that is.

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

Honey.

Hi! You okay?

- Oh, I'm great. - Do you want to just get into it

about the chain saw?

You know what? It's time to tear down the shed...

- Yes... - ... and build the hoop barn.

- It's time. Good. - It's time. Yeah.

I just realized that I've been spending my whole life

trying to be as perfect and happy

as everybody in my family

and it's just been so constricting.

I'm... I'm terrified to make a mistake.

But... now I'm, like, totally free.

- Yeah. Right? - All bets are off.

My dad was in a Canadian threesome.

Oh. Yeah. And there was a guy named Todd, I think,

up in Toronto, as well, so that...

Hey, guys! Come over here! I want to show you something.

- Honey. - Come here. Come on out!

I-I love where you are emotionally, but maybe

- just put the chain saw down. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Guys, I just... I want to say that

I get why no one told me about the affair...

Or the threesome.

- And I'm not mad. - For the record,

it wasn't always the three of us.

There were different combinations.

Sometimes I'd just watch from the closet.

That's probably enough details for me going forward on that.

What I wanted to say is, you know what, from now on,

I think we should just let go,

and I'm gonna tear this shed down,

and I'm gonna build a hoop barn,

and I might not get it right.

It's not gonna be perfect.

- That's right. - But I want to do it anyways.

No you're not.

You're not gonna tear down that shed.

We're all going to do it.

- Oh! Maryanne! - Oh, yeah!

- Sweetheart. Honey. - Alright!

- What... What are you...? - Mom!

Look at me.

Give it hell.

- Yeah! - Walls are coming down!

- Did you see that? - Oh, that felt so good!

Oh, and in the spirit of truth, Matty...

- Yeah? - Those Natty Cukes are disgusting.

I'm so glad I was not the only one thinking that.

I thought you guys said that you really liked them.

Well, I guess my question is, why so thick?

Um, there's eight,

um, solid organic cucumbers in each bottle.

That's eight too many.

Guys, this is great feedback.

And it's also very in line

with what the focus groups are saying.

So this is perfect. Thank you. Love my fam.

Rio, I hope you still love us,

even though we have... problems.

Oh, my God. Maryanne, if...

I... You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you

my childhood journal,

and you can just feel better

about yourselves all around.

Trust me.

Wait, I feel like... Bring it in?

Right? Is this a hug time?

Do I have the right moment?

- Yes! - This is a hug moment, right?

- I got it right? - Honey, you're nailing it!

So nice that all is forgiven.

Unless, of course, it isn't. In which case, Mike,

feel free to take your anger out on my body.

You know what, Rudy? We're good.

You shined your light on my mother

when she needed it, and I thank you for that.

- God bless you. - Alright, enough sweet talk.

- Yeah. - Let's get to shredding

- some shed! - Yeah!

Should we shred the shed?

- Do it! - Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Michael, why don't you share something about your sexual past?

Nope. That's enough sharing.

Uh, hi.

I'm looking for Brandon.

I'm... I'm Brandon.

Your sheriff ticketed me for a busted tail light.

She said legally I had to get it fixed here... by you.

Well, let's get that tail light fixed, then.

Okay, great.

Um, I-I could have sworn it was fine,

and then she pulled me over, and I just... you know, it...

The sheriff 100% did that to your car.

Why is the sheriff in your shop?

- Oh, she works here. - Do you know these people?

- Yeah, it's my mom. - Oh, my God.

- Is this some sort of scam? - No.

- Don't kidnap me. - It's... Kidnap?

- No. Okay. - Why would you say "kidnap"?

- I'm gonna film it. - No, no, no, no, don't film!

It's not a scam. It's love.

- It's love. It's love. - Clara.

- It's love. It's love. - Clara, stop chasing her!