All language subtitles for Baked.in.Brooklyn.2016.720p.BluRay.x264-ROVERS

Hi.

Sorry, the lights--
hold on.

Okay.
That's better.

Hi.

So I'll have copies of the zine

after the reading.

If you want
to buy one, it's $8.

But, like, if you don't think
it's worth $8,

I'll probably just
give you one for free.

I wrote this about the summer

I sold weed through
an online classifieds site.

Oh, but I hate weed, though.

It makes me, like,
very uncomfortable and paranoid

and sort of fatalistic, I guess,

but every once in a while,

you know, someone
will get me to smoke,

and every time they do,
I think, like,

"Oh, this is the time
I'm gonna like smoking weed."

But then I do,

and I don't like it at all.

It's the worst always.

But I just couldn't remember

if I put that fact
into the story,

so I wanted to,

you know, tell you now
up front, I guess.

Okay, I'm wasting time,

so I'm gonna start reading now.

Here it goes.

Last summer, I was working
for a consultant in Midtown

mostly filling out
organizational charts

and filing things and stuff.

It was an objectively
crappy job,

but my parents
were really proud of me

because I had gotten a job.

I was listening
to Toro y Moi a lot,

and he has that line
where he says, 'I got a job.

I do it fine.
Not what I want,

but still I try.'

That totally captured
how I felt.

On the weekends, me and
friends mostly went biking

and took hallucinogens
and benzodiazepines.

We also went to some parties,

and one night, I met a girl
at one of those parties.

Meeting girls
isn't easy for me

unless they come up to me,

in which case I have no choice
but to meet them,

and that was how I met Kate."

Eliza!

Hey.

I have something for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What is it?

It's a weird muscle relaxant.

I got it at the airport
in Mexico.

Are you happy?

Very.

Thanks.

Ooh, it tastes good.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What makes you qualified
to change the playlist?

What kind of qualifications
did the last guy have?

This really isn't
about the last guy,

and who says it was a guy?

Okay, well...

I write a music blog,

published on
a popular music reviews website.

I can send you my resume
if you prefer.

It lists all of
my tangible qualifications.

Maybe if you give me
your email address

or, you know, your phone number.

Whatever works for you re:
contact information

is fine for me--just,
you know, that I'd have it.

So do you want to dance?

Oh, yeah, no.

I don't really dance, per Se.

Like, you can't
or, like, you won't?

I never know how into it
I'm supposed to get, you know,

and sometimes I get too into it,

and then I end up making
that intense dance face

where I sort of,
like, bite my lip,

and I--you know, just like--

You know, I'm sort of, like,
angry Bill Clinton.

It's not good.

And then the other option
is that, you know,

I'm not into it enough,
and I hold back.

Then I think everyone
around is probably thinking,

like, "Oh, that kid thinks he's
too cool to dance," you know?

I'm pretty sure no one
would ever think that about you.

Okay, well, thank you.

I think that probably means
it's about time

for me to stop talking,

because I've said enough--

No, you were doing fine.

- Wow.
- Adequate even.

Oh, my God.

But I actually
really like this song, so,

like, are you ready to dance?

_ Qh__
- Let's do it.

Okay.

Okay.

I can't do this.

Okay.

Yeah, no, there was a certain
too-good-to-be-true element

about this whole thing anyway.

Why can't you?

- I have a boyfriend.
- Okay.

But honestly I swear to God,

it did not feel
like cheating until,

like, just a moment ago.

Like, I think
when you touched my boob,

that's sort of when
I sort of drew the line.

- Sure, sure.
- He doesn't live here.

He goes to school in Virginia,

so we have sort
of unconventional rules

to sort of deal with that.

Mm-hmm, and your
unconventional rules

include a boob clause.

Yes, yes.

Good, good.

I guess that's--yeah.

Now, I'm just
spit-balling here.

Okay.

But do you want to just
fool around with me

now and then, like,
marry him after

college or something?

No, not--

Okay, I didn't think SO,

but I thought
I would offer it anyway.

All right, well,
in that case,

should I call you
a cab or something?

Well, can I sleep here?

Oh.

Would we have to sleep
head to toe or something?

Not unless you really
wanted to, and we could,

but I don't see
why we have to.

- Great.
- It's not in the rule book.

Oh, it's not.
There's not a section for--

No,aslong
as you don't, like--

with your hands
on my boobs.

We can sleep
however we want as long

as I'm not touching
your breasts.

Great, that sounds good.

I'm gonna go brush my teeth

and take some sort
of uncomfortably cold shower.

Let's do this,
classic song.

Here we go.

Mike brought me to a party
that I don't think

I don't want to be at anymore,

so I was wondering
if you'd want to come over.

We could listen to music,
or we could just, you know,

like, talk to each other
or something.

Okay, um, that sounds great.

Okay, awesome.

See you later.

Bye.

Awesome.

Hi, ma.

David, so tell your mama.

Are you dating?
Seeing any girls?

- Ma, please.
- Adult to adult.

You know I feel weird talking
to you about that kind of stuff.

Could we just
talk about it later?

- Later.
- Yeah, you know.

Like later in our lives later.

Everything's fine, re:
girls and me,

but I just, you know,

I feel weird talking
about it with you, so...

That's what you always say
to me: “Everything fine, mommy.

Not now, later."

So I say to myself,
"Don't lose hope.

Your boy is going to grow up
and become an adult."

But I also think I'm not,

like, exactly an adult yet in that,

you know, I'm only 22,

so I feel like I have
some time to get there.

When your father was 22,

he was already done
with the Army.

He was already a man.

And I say--

this is really good.

Oh, that's good.

Are you sure her actually
living with us is,

like, such a smart idea?

You mean, like,
for the relationship or, like,

for my creature comforts?

Relationship.

Honestly it's not ideal,
but I think the alternative,

which is her living upstate

and commuting is maybe worse
for the relationship, you know?

Like, right now, we're just in
that new relationship sweet spot

where we don't secretly
loathe each other yet,

so I think it could
be fun for us.

But I don't want it to be
annoying for you, you know?

- Yeah.
- Can I speak candidly?

Do you have to?

I feel like I know
what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say
you don't like it--

I don't like it,
because you barely know her,

and if she starts acting weird,
you have nowhere to go.

And why does she have
to move in so soon?

Whoa, nobody said move in.

She's not moving in.

She's staying here.
It's a totally different thing.

Semantics, David, okay?

After what, after seeing
each other for, like, a month?

What, is she
the hipster grifter?

The--really?
The hipster grifter?

Dude, you've met her.
You know she's totally normal.

And also she's crazy hot,

and she wants to stay
in my room,

which defies all logic.

So basically there's nothing

you can say short
of proving she's some sort

of Neo-Nazi fembot
that would, you know,

make me think this wasn't
a good idea, you know,

and even then, I'd probably
still go through with it.

Can I show her the mule?

Yeah, sure, from time to time.

- Really?
- No, go fuck yourself.

David, can I speak to you?

Sure.
What's up?

In the conference room.

Sure.

You know you're not
the only one, right?

Yeah, I guess.

You have your company phone?

Slide it down, please.

Do I get some sort
of severance?

You'll have to talk
to HR about that.

And when do I need to,
like, be out by?

You clear out your desk
by the end of today.

Oh, and could you just
tell the front desk

that if my morn calls
to just, you know,

tell her that I stepped out
to lunch or something?

Just for today?

No, I mean, probably for,

like, six months or so
until I get a new job.

I can email you to let
you know when I do.

Have you seen the news?

Everything's crashed, no good.

You are lucky
to have job, David.

Yeah, no good.

What did you want to do
when you were a kid?

To be in America only.

But, like, what did you want
to do when you got here?

I didn't think like this.

I think to be in America,
you do anything:

airline pilot,
accounting, doctor,

big company CEO,

ball-base player,
cowboy.

David, when Tata

was a young boy,
dedushka used

to play all the American
Western TV programs for him, eh?

I thought everyone
in America is cowboy, bandits,

Indians, sheriffs, deputies.

Did you ever want to be
a bandit?

Of course.

The only one above the sheriff
is the bandits.

For most of the story.

David, eat.

I'm sure
you'll find something else.

Yeah, thanks.

Do you know what you want
to do, like, with your life?

I like sports.

I can do something in sports.

Are you joking?
I can't tell.

Yeah, it's a "Seinfeld" thing.

I don't actually like sports,

I guess except tennis
and cycling,

but there's too much drugs
in cycling.

Well, I'm sure
you'll think of something.

We'll see.

Awesome, thank you.

I got to go.

Thanks,dude.

Bye.

Eliza!

What's going on?

Okay, I've got everything
I need. Can we meet this guy?

- No.
- Just text me the info.

Bye.

Why do you have
to sell weed, though?

Dealing just seems exciting
and glamorous

and, like, potentially
extremely lucrative.

I'll hopefully make
enough money to live on,

and I'll get to, like,
live--capital L--

in a way I haven't before.

Plus, I'll have stuff
to write about,

which would be cool
in that I want to be a writer.

It's honestly kind of perfect,
right?

I don't know.

But, like,
here's the main thing:

my chances
of getting caught are,

like, relatively slim, right,

which, you know,
is maybe fucked up,

- It's totally true.
- I mean, like--

And I hate smoking weed,

so it's not like I'll smoke
all my product or something.

- Oh, boy.
- And you will be

on a very specific ration,

so you also will not smoke
all of my product.

Seriously though,
anything I would want to get

is, like,
totally impossible right now.

I don't believe that
for two seconds.

Well, if you play
your cards right

and earn it, maybe
you'll get a discount.

- I know how to earn it.
- Oh, yeah?

I know exactly how to earn it.

They're here.

Hi, David Shapiro.

David.
Hey, how's it going?

So, like, are you guys
pretty busy today with deals?

What do you need?

How much is an ounce?

370.

Okay, then I guess let me
get...

2 ounces.

Is there a bulk discount?

Two isn't bulk, B.

(speaking in Spanish)

Si.

(speaking in Spanish)

I wish I had, like, a button

I could press to make
a tumbleweed roll by,

you know, like in situations
where nothing else is happening.

Oh, what was the strain called?

- Green Kush.
- Green Kush, okay.

Do you have any other strains?

Not at the moment.

Is there a time of year
that weed is in season

and it costs less?

Is this kid for real?

You know, when you buy
different vegetables

at different times of the year,
they cost different amounts

because they go in and out
of season, you know?

Bruto, weed isn't a vegetable.

Doesn't work that way.

(both speak Spanish)

David, I'd like
to explain something to you.

And it's not because I like you

or because I think you're cute,

but solely because
the more customers

that buy from me,
the better it is for me.

But I got this feeling

that you're not gonna
be my customer for that long,

so I need you to listen.

You need to shut the fuck up.

You need to keep your mouth
closed and shut the fuck up.

I know that you're gonna
be selling to people,

and you're gonna just
be telling your life story,

but you need to cut
that shit out right now,

or you're gonna get popped.

And stop smiling like you're
in a motherfucking day care,

or I'll rob you.

The only reason I'm not
robbing you right now

is because of her,

and I'll probably make more
off of you in the long run

than I can take off
you right now.

Don't tell anyone more
than they need to know.

Don't tell anybody shit
about your personal life.

You want to talk?

Talk about the weather or movies

or some bullshit.

Don't pick up that phone
if you don't have to.

Don't text if
you don't have to.

Keep all your conversations
to a minimum.

Stay paranoid, B,
and keep it moving.

You understand me?

Yeah?

Good.

You call me when you need,
all right?

You too, sweetheart.

They seem nice.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How much would that scale be?

That is 40, but for you, 35.

Oh, wow, that's so nice.
Thank you.

Yeah, I'll take that, please.

Anything else?

Could I also get some
of those baggies, please?

You got a lot
of jewelry, right?

Why do you think that?

That is what you put
in the baggies, right?

- Oh.
- Jewelry, yeah.

Jewelry, yeah, no, yeah, for--

that's why I need
the baggies, is for my jewelry.

Right, for jewelry.

Yeah, also the scale
is for weighing jewelry.

It's all jewelry purchases.

- Total, $40.
- Okay.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Good luck, huh?

Thanks, with my jewelry.

Okay.

Oh, God, sorry.
Sorry.

- It's all right.
- Okay, sorry, bye.

Thank you.

Hey, this is David Shapiro.

I lost my job,
so I sell weed now.

This is my weed number.

Text me if you need, please.

I deliver.

Also feel free
to pass this number around.

How am I gonna sell all this?

I texted everyone
I know who smokes,

like, two hours ago,
and I got one response.

I feel like that might not
add up to a full-time job.

Could you just not sell it
and then say that you did?

I don't think that
would be super profitable,

but it's a good idea.

You know, I was actually
thinking about this,

and do you realize that

if you get caught
selling weed,

it doesn't matter
where you went to college

or how cute you are?

Because nobody
who pays over minimum wage

is ever going to hire you ever.

I just really want
the best for you.

I mean, I really care about you.

I know that sounds
really corny, but I do.

Do you want to see something?

Yeah.

Okay, hand me my laptop.

- Oh, on your laptop.
- Yes, on my laptop.

What more do you want to see?

- I don't know.
- You're gonna like it.

- Promise.
- All right, laptop.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Uh-oh.

Okay, get ready.

Ta-da.

What is this?

This is a replacement
for that ugly, hideous couch

in your living room.

Whoa, pump the brakes.

You just moved in here,
like, 45 seconds ago,

and you're already redecorating.

Yo, this my Bach pad, B.
It's not our starter home.

Oh, give me a break.

I just thought it might, like,

make the room
less hideous, you know?

And it'll make
it more comfortable,

and its like a perfect replacement

because it probably
doesn't smell as bad.

And that's a huge problem
that I'm having with the one

that you have now.

What are you doing?

Are you trying to,
like, figure out a way

to sell weed on the Internet?

No, I'm just trying something.

I probably won't even
go through with it.

This is completely
fucking insane.

Please do not use your one phone
call from jail on me.

I am not going to help you.

Hey.

- Are--are you MJ?
- Yeah.

Okay, and you are a cop,

because you have to tell me
if you're a cop.

Please just tell me
if you're a cop.

I'm definitely not a cop.

- Promise?
- Yeah.

But I might be a psychopath

who wants to lure
into our apartment

to murder you.

Honestly that would be, like,
a huge relief to me

versus you being a cop.

Okay, where do we do this?

My apartment's right there.

And you're not gonna, like,
rob me or something, right?

'Cause I don't have any
cash on me.

It would be a total waste
of your time,

so don't rob me, please.

Maybe I should get one
of those stickers that says,

"Carries less
than $30 cash," and,

like, put it on my bike,

you know, 'cause then people
would know not to rob me.

It wouldn't be worthwhile.

Yeah, no, this isn't
where I would take somebody

and then rob them
or murder them.

In a darkened staircase.

That's 20.

Have you ordered online
before or...

No, I just did it 'cause
I just moved here

and I don't know anybody.

So do you have, like,
regular hours,

or can you deliver whenever?

I deliver whenever.
Just email me when you need.

I'm gonna need, like,
every day, so

maybe we should just
set up a time

and do that.

Okay, do you want
to say here every day at noon?

Yeah, sounds good.

Cool, I will see you
tomorrow then.

See you tomorrow.

I never knew sea horses
are hermaphrodites.

Yeah,
that's pretty incredible.

- Yeah.
- I made my first sale.

Bye.

John, what's up, man?

What's up?

- 20.
- Whoa.

Hey, mom, no,
I'm on my lunch break,

but I just wanted to call
and tell you

that work is going
much better than it was,

and I don't want you to worry
about me not liking my job,

because, you know, I do.

Sorry.

That's awesome.

Breaking news,
the U.S. stock market

witnessed one of its worst
trading days in history

when the Dow dropped
nearly 20% today.

- Hello?
- Panicked brokers are trying

to encourage investors
to keep them selling,

but it doesn't look
like it's doing much good.

Let's go to our financial
expert James Douglas,

who's live on Wall Street
and witnessing the chaos--

What's up, dude?

Hey, are you Jeff?

You're Jeff.

What did you need?

Do you have eighth?

Yeah.

So it's, um, 80.

Sweet apartment.

Thanks, it was a birthday gift
from my father.

My dad once got me a LSAT
prep book for my birthday.

Hey, do you want to smoke?

No, I actually have
some deliveries

right now to do, but thanks,

and maybe next time.

You Green Jacket?

We have to go for a ride.

- How far are we going?
- Around the block.

Do you think we could go
into a store or something?

I was told to, you know, like,

not get into cars
with strangers.

Kid, don't waste
my fucking time.

Can you roll me one?

Yeah.

No, thanks.

No, thanks?

It makes me uncomfortable.

Get paranoid, very prone
to panic attacks, anxiety,

etcetera.

You don't seem like
a regular pot dealer.

You're not really
a regular pot buyer.

How'd you get into this?

I want to be a writer,

but that doesn't really
seem realistic,

so I'm doing this until
something better occurs to me.

Before this, I had
a conventional job,

but I lost it.

I know how you feel.

The board of directors
at my firm

is meeting--well...

they're gonna remove me.

You want to deal weed?

I could put you in touch
with my supplier.

No, thank you.

Appreciate it.

Is that your bike?

I used to have an old Schwinn
when I was in college.

That thing weighs, like,
half a fucking ton, right?

It's heavy,
but I think maybe only,

like, 30 or 40 pounds.

Why don't you get yourself
something decent?

Are you serious?

I'm investing
in your operation.

When you're a kingpin,
you'll bring me some free bags.

Good luck with the Board.

Hey.

Hi.

- I got a new bike.
- Yeah, I can see that.

- What do you think?
- It's nice.

That's really nice.

Cool.

I got you something too.

- I'm excited.
- I got you--

Oh!

The inedible candy
that you love so much.

- I love it.
- Yeah?

Thank you.

I have a distinct recollection

of you eating
that the night we met,

and it was, like, really hard
for you to eat, so you kind

of looked weird,
which was weird

because usually you're
so cool and casual.

But that night, it was, like,

the opposite
of smoking a cigarette.

Thank you.

That'll be gone in a week.

Gross.

Here, get on.

- No, I can't get on.
- Yeah, yeah, for sure you can.

No my skirt--it's, like,
not conducive for bike riding.

It's really--I can't--look.

- Okay, just--
- I can't.

- Just side-saddle it.
- What do you mean?

Just, like, sit here but,
like, face there.

But how is it gonna work?
Am I gonna die?

Just sit.
Do you trust me?

Yeah, this is fun.

- Yeah, what do you think?
- It's nice.

My feet were hurting.

Oh, good.
This is your chariot.

Why is it so nice, though?

Why'd you get
such an expensive one?

Well, at the risk
of sounding tautological,

I prefer to think of it
as my, like, investment

in my business, you know?

Okay.

I'm gonna write it off
my drug dealer taxes.

This place is cool.
You live here?

Don't ask me personal shit.

Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

- My dad's the super.
- Oh, cool.

So you want Blueberry Haze
or California Sunset?

Same price?

I'll take Blueberry Haze then.

Does it have, like,
blueberry plant DNA,

like, spliced into it or something?

No, B, the name's
are all bullshit.

Wake up.
You should reconsider

because the California Sunset's
from Cal--

Yo, that seat is hot, man.

You said got
some new tires on it?

How you like them?

Oh, yeah, no, they're nice.
They're gator skins.

My old ones were starting
to get worn down

and weren't gripping
the road right,

and all it takes
is one accident, you know?

So you got to be careful,
but I think I want to put

a lighter crank set on it too.

I think that's gonna
be my next move.

You picked that up
quick, man.

Thanks.

All right, I got to go, man.

For real, though,

how do you ride
this thing, man?

I mean, why?
No brakes, no helmet.

You can't even control
the shit.

Oh, man, I can't imagine not
riding fixed gear anymore,

and I control it as well
as I can control a regular bike

with regular brakes.

You know, all you do is,
like, stop your feet,

and that's how you stop moving.

It's kind of hard to imagine
if you hadn't ridden one before,

but all it takes is a little bit
of practicing,

like zooming around traffic,
like--

You know, it's almost like
you're connected to the road,

and, like, there's just
nothing like it, you know?

I think honestly
for some people it can be,

like, a spiritual thing,

and obviously also there are
some mechanical advantages too,

but that's not why
I ride it, you know?

Damn, brah,
I didn't want a fucking sermon.

Let me ride it.
Okay, you got it?

Just peddle.
Yeah, I got it.

- Yeah.
- Whoa.

Slow down, slow down.

Just stop peddling,
stop--just stop peddling.

No, keep--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're fucking crazy, B.

I don't know
how to stop this thing.

It gets easier.

Want no part of that shit.

I've never seen your face
like that.

_ HEY-
_ HEY-

- How are you?
- Good.

What's up?

Nothing; I have, like, 15
new customers or something,

so it's kind of crazy.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, I think
it's--| think it's awesome.

- Yeah.
- I'll see you in a bit.

Oh, you're leaving?

Yeah, I got to go,
but I'll see you tonight, okay?

- Okay.
- Bye.

Oh, slow down, chief.

You want winner?
My ice cream's, like, melting.

No, seriously I can't.
I got deliveries, but thanks.

Dude, you're a weed dealer,
not an ambulance driver.

They're not gonna give a fuck
if you're 15 minutes late.

I guess we'll never know.

Wow.

Did you know...

- Yeah?
- That the restaurant

Red Lobster invented
the dish shrimp scampi?

- Really?
- Yeah, in, like,

the 1970s,
it didn't exist,

and then they just invented it.

- Okay, good one.
- Okay.

Did you know that Taco Bell
invented the hard shell taco?

- No, is that true?
- That is completely 100% true,

and did you know
that Au Bon Pain invented bread?

Wait, that one sounds
like it's probably not true.

- It is true.
- The word "pain" does--

My French is not so good.

Well, lucky for you,
mine is excellent, so...

D'acc0rd.

Do you even understand
what that means?

- No, but it's very sexy.
- Thank you.

You can continue
to speak French for me

at any and all times.

I speak a little French.

We should go to Paris,
and I should try it out.

Let's go right now.

Surprise!

Birthday!

Thank you guys so much.

Hey!

My man.

Happy birthday.

What's up?
Totally fooled.

- Hi, friends.
- Hi.

I was so nervous I'd run
into one of you on the way in,

but it worked out, so...

It totally worked out.

- I was nervous.
- It's amazing.

I don't know how you guys--
I don't know how you did this.

I did it.
I pulled it off.

Thank you.

The birthday boy.

Happy birthday!

Whoo!

- Hey.
- Hey, this is amazing.

Thank you so much.

What's going on
with you, though?

Are you okay?
You're, like, half dead.

Oh, it's just I actually took
two of your clonazepams

before we came, so I just need
to get some food in my stomach.

I don't have any more
clonazepam.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah, you do.

I know it was
on the night stand.

David, that was zolpidem.
Did you really take that?

When you did start taking
a sleeping pill?

When you started coming home
at 5:00 in the morning,

waking me up,
but honestly,

what difference does it make
when I started taking it?

Why would you take my pills
without asking me what they are?

I don't know,
because I like them.

- Yay!
- Speech, speech, speech!

Speech,speech,speech!

My excellent
good friends,

a thousand monkeys

and a thousand typewriters
couldn't convey

how I feel in this moment.

Thank you, GUYS-

We'll get the check separate.

Separate bills.

Thank you.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

He'll be here any--
oh, here he is.

He's here.
Yeah, I'll keep an eye on the--

Thank you.
Thank you for waiting.

Hey.
I had to go to fucking Queens.

Cool, I had to fight tooth
and nail to keep this court.

I mean, look at that guy,
he's huge.

And now we only have
30 minutes to play, so...

- So let's get going.
- Great.

Do you want to play a set
or just hit.

Let's play a set.

I don't need any warm up.
I was on the bike all day.

Great, 'cause we don't have
time for you to warm up.

- You want to serve?
- Yeah, ready?

First ball in.

Oh, sorry, little rusty.

Here we go, you ready?

Oh.

Yeah, sorry.
That--yup.

Okay, I get it.
I get it.

I'm on your shit list right now.

Can we please just, like, play?

This is playing.

Here we go.

Hilarious.

It's like I'm high
or something.

I don't know.

As amazing
as playing tennis with you

right now is,
I got to go on a run.

Are you serious?

Yeah, no, I'm really sorry,

but I did make it clear
I might have to leave early.

I mean,
we just starting playing.

Did we--did we
not just start playing?

Again, really sorry.
I know this sucks, but--

Can't you just do it
after we finish?

My customers use me
because I'm fast and reliable.

I'm the best at this.

If I start making exceptions,
my business is fucked.

I'll make it up to you, okay?
We'll play another day.

No, I don't think so, dude.

Like, I don't think

we can play tennis
or socialize or anything

until you get a new job.

What do you mean, Mike?

I mean, I'm just
over it, dude.

Every time we hang out,
I have to worry

that the DEA is gonna show up
with assault rifles

and take us to prison.

- The DEA.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think you've been
watching too many movies.

It's hard to imagine
there's anyone lower

on the weed-dealing totem
pole than me.

I sell, like,
tiny amounts of weed.

Yeah, and you
sell a lot of them,

like a lot
of teeny amounts of weed.

Maybe they need some.
Why don't you go ask?

You should seriously consider

how this job is affecting
your relationships.

I mean, have you even
talked to your girlfriend?

I will be right back.

Thanks.

Want to smoke?

I've got, like,
five other deliveries

right now, but...

You say that every day.
Is it me?

I just don't think
it would be a good idea

for me to come inside.

Hi.

What's up?

I'm going
to the Janie tonight.

You want to come?

The Janie, really?

Like--
like, by yourself.

No, with my roommate.

Aren't I your roommate?

Yeah, no, my roommate
from school.

Are you sure you don't want
to stay here tonight?

Um, and do what?

We could watching
this streaming documentary

that one of my customers
was telling me about,

about how animals masturbate.

Spoiler alert, whales masturbate

by rubbing up against rocks.

Okay.

Can you zip me UP?

Sorry.

Yeah.

Also, though, did you know
that rats have clitorises?

No, I did not,
but, yeah, thank you.

Okay, bye.

Even castrated
horses masturbate.

Orangutans actually
fashion dildos out of tree bark.

I mean, you can't be
a part-time drug dealer.

It's a full-time gig,

and plus, I'm trying to find
inspiration for my story.

I mean, I'm still planning
on writing a novel.

I don't know,
I don't know.

It is what it is.

Why do you chew up
your pills like that?

Makes them work faster.

I don't like my job either.

Really?

It seems like it could be fun.

Writing about commercial
real estate?

Yeah, no, I don't know.
I mean, it seems

like it could be interesting,

big deals, big egos, etcetera.

Want to trade jobs?

No way.

But I think they might be
hiring other writers

if you're interested.

What, really?
Yeah, definitely.

Do you have any
experience writing?

I write a blog
about a music website.

Would that count?

Email me the link,
and I'll show it to my boss.

Awesome.

- I know what you're doing.
- What?

What, do you think we don't
know what's going on here?

Yeah, you're here
every couple of days greasy

like you've been biking all day.

- Yeah, no, I like to bike.
- Yeah, you like to bike.

I know you like to bike.
Sometimes your eyes are red.

Okay.

And you look like you're
gonna shit your pants.

Every time you leave,
the kid from 6.],

he comes down, too,
a half hour later.

His eyes are red too,
only he's more chilled out.

Yeah, no, look, I don't know
what you're talking about, man.

That kid's just my friend,

and I come to say
what's up to him, so...

Yeah, okay,
what's his last name?

I don't know it.

I mean, we just,
like, take class together.

It's not, like, I, you know,
asked him already.

I don't know
his life story, you know?

Just relax.
Let me get some.

Yeah, give me a little smoke.

What?

You scared the shit
out of me, dude.

Sorry, I was only
fucking with you.

Yeah, hilarious.

How much do you need?
Let me get a G.

It's 20.

Let me get another one.

Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah,oh,
it's another 20, though.

Cops and security guards,
we're like this.

Nice doing business with you.

- What's up?
- What's up, bro?

You all right?

- Good, what's going on?
- Nothing, you ready?

- Do it outside like this?
- No, it's in here.

Oh.

Said you wanted
3 ounces, right?

Yeah, please.

Cool.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Is everything else good
with you, bro?

Yeah, things are good.
How you doing?

All right, man, you know.

Just hanging in there,
so to speak.

Put your hands
behind your back,

and get up against the wall!

You're under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say or do
can be used--

- Ace, what's happening?
- I don't know, David.

I don't know.
Ace, Ace, Ace.

Ace.

- If you do not have a lawyer--
- Ace, what is this, man?

Man, he's about to faint.

You should see
your face right now.

It's a joke, man.

Lighten up.

Oh, come on, David,

we're just joking with you, man.

I'll see you next week.

What happened?

I got robbed, but only for, like,

$20 by a doorman,
so whatever.

It's just, like,

some kind of tax
or something, I guess,

but then Ace
played a prank on me

that really wasn't funny.

I'm really sorry, David, but,

like, you knew that stuff
like this was gonna happen.

Okay, you're right.

Okay.

So I talked to Mike.

I gathered.

This job you have

is making it impossible
to spend any time with you.

You probably spend more time

with your customers than you do
with your actual friends,

and you act weird all the time

because you are always
stoned or on pills.

And you leave places
in the middle of hanging out,

and everyone's really,
really worried about you

because you sell weed

in the most public way
possible: on the Internet.

Well, I don't know
what else to do.

You know, this is something
that I'm good at

and makes me feel satisfied
with myself, you know?

Even if there are
occasional hiccups.

This whole entire
thing is a hiccup.

We used to, like, spend time
together like normal people.

Like, we would go out
and do things

and do activities,

and now I spend more time
with your roommate,

sitting on that disgusting couch
in your living room,

than I do with you.

Come on,
seriously, I mean,

we have nice conversations,

and you teach me things
all the time.

When I first met you,

I felt curious about you,

and I felt connected
to you in a way

that I haven't felt
with anybody else before.

You have a lot of ideas,

and some of them are great,

like selling hummus
in squeeze bottles.

- Great for sandwiches.
- It's brilliant!

But, like, I don't
know what to do.

Like, I can't do this anymore

if you're not gonna
be here with me at all.

Okay, okay.

Can we make a deal?

It depends what it is.

I will try to be more here,

like, way more here,

if you can try
to be more okay

with what I'm doing
when I'm not here.

I don't know.
I guess we could try it.

- Let's try it.
- Okay.

Now, do you want to hear
some good news

about a possible thing
that might happen?

One of my customers is gonna try
to set me up with a writing job.

It's something.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing on Thursday
at 7:00?

Whatever you want.
Why?

I want you to take me
to dinner.

You've neglected me for,
like, over two months,

and now you have
to make it up to me.

Well, then
you'd better get ready,

'cause you're gonna
have, like, so much dinner,

like, more dinner than, like,

you're even gonna know
what to do with.

I mean, it's gonna be,
like, 14 courses.

There's gonna be amuse-bouches

and aperitifs and digestifs.

All the "tifs" are gonna
be well-represented.

Okay.

And I really am sorry.

Thank you.

Hey, it's me.

I just have one more stop
to make, and then I'll be there.

So probably like 8:45.

Hello.

I have your delivery.

Well, come on in.

Let me see the shit.

What's this one called?

It's Candy Apple.

Candy Apple, Candy Apple.

I've smoked Swansea,

Blue Haze,

Jack Frost, Lowrider,

Wonderberry,
Misty,

lceberry Blue,
JFK.

I even smoked Horse Shit
with my grandma.

Don't do that.

This any good?

Yeah, it's great.

- It's 40 for the two.
- Is this a gram each?

'Cause it looks like maybe
.8, .9.

Yeah,no,
they're 20s, not grams.

We're not in Europe, dude.

We're not in Europe.

- God bless America.
- Let's get fucked up.

I have somewhere to be,
actually, so enjoy.

Oh, 0h, got some girls coming.

Yeah, I should probably just--

Well, I got these.

- What are those?
- I don't know.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Do you have the two eighths?

Have you heard anything
about the job yet?

Yeah, I don't think
it looks good.

They just hired
a couple of people.

Did you show your boss
my blog?

Yeah.
Yeah, it was great.

It was really interesting stuff.

He said it just wasn't, like,
the same thing that we do.

I can do other stuff.

It's not like the ability
to write about real estate

is, like, an inborn
characteristic, you know?

I mean, I could learn how
t0--

- Do you have the plants?
- Of course.

But do you see what
I'm saying about the--

Can I just have them?

Christmas!

- Thanks.
- Later.

See you.

(both speaking Spanish)

Oh, shit, a cop.

Where you going?

Fuck!

Fuck, was you watching me, man?

- You had me, huh?
- Fucking bullshit, man.

Hey, man,
leave them boys alone, now.

What you doing, man?

Them boys-hey!

Legalize it, pavilar!

Have you talked to her yet?

Yeah, I sent her some
texts and emails,

including one
which I wrote entirely

from the perspective
of the "mailer demon," so...

Wait, what's the mailer demon?

You know that thing
that, you know,

sends you an email
when you send an email

to an address
that doesn't exist.

It bounces it back
to you, you know,

and then it says "Mailer Demon"
at the top in all caps.

What?

I'm pretty sure
that's called Mailer-Daemon.

Mailer-Daemon?

That's--I don't even
think that's a word.

Wouldn't it be demon?

What's a daemon?
I don't know.

I've never really actually
heard someone say Mailer-Daemon

or mailer demon out loud,
so you might actually be right.

So has she replied back
to your email or...

Oh, yeah, I'll show you.

She sent me this sweet pic

of a middle finger made out of,

like, backslashes and stuff.

That's creative.

She really spent a lot
of time on it,

and she's clearly
thinking about me,

so I feel like it's just
a matter of time now.

Come on, we're good.

Yeah, no, it's--

Hey, maybe--you know what?

Maybe you should just
relax on her.

Oh, come on, man,
look how happy these guys are.

They're drinking the same stuff.

I feel like we're all gonna
be all smiles pretty soon here.

- Hey, what's--
- Did you turn Ace in?

He got arrested.

What? Holy shit!

'Cause he thinks
you turned him in.

Now he's looking for you.

What? Why?

'Cause he saw you, like,

a minute before he got
arrested,

and then afterwards, he tried
to call you to ask about it,

and you didn't answer.

Like, why didn't you answer?

I don't know.
I didn't see his call.

I must've missed it.
What are you talking about?

Wait, did you tell him
where I live?

I mean, I told him
the cross streets,

but I didn't tell him
your address.

I didn't even know
why he was asking until, like,

after I already told him.

Like, I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Do you think he's gonna tell
the cops about me or something?

I mean, I don't think
that's really his style.

Like, I don't think he would,
but you're,

like, a tiny fish
to them anyway, so...

What is his style?

Shit. Shit.

Do you go to school?

Don't ask me personal shit,
man.

You're a fucking drug dealer.

Drug dealers don't talk
about personal shit.

They talk about benign shit
or don't talk.

- Yeah, I just--
- Yeah.

Were you just doing that
for free weed?

It's okay if you were.
Like, I won't be offended, but--

Fuck!

Fuck!

Shit!

God fucking--fuck!

Hey, yo, cuz, what up?

Man, take it.

Everything's in there.

Ace, man, listen.

Ace, man, I didn't say
anything to anyone.

I swear, man.
Why would I do that?

I wouldn't fucking--
Ace, man, please.

Please.

It's all right.

Ugh!

Get the fuck out of here.

You got something for me?

Little bitch.

Come and get some.

What you got here?

Got a little treat for me?

Oh, jackpot, fellas.

We're partying tonight.

You don't remember
what I told you?

Stay paranoid, B!

Hey, mom.

I just had a shitty day
at work, you know,

so I thought
I'd call and say hi.

Um, one of our clients just
delayed paying his fee for,

like, months

and then just
declared bankruptcy,

so my boss is just in
a really foul mood, you know?

And Kate broke up with me.

Like, a month ago.

My girlfriend.

Ma, I did.

Ma, I've had a few girlfriends.

Okay.

Okay, good night, bye.

I didn't even
know you were here.

We're gonna order some Dominos.
You want?

Um, yeah, sure.

What happened to you?

I don't--| don't want
to talk about it, please.

Can I buy some hydrocodone
off of you, though, please?

You can have some.

Here.

Thanks.

Do you think it was a mistake

for me to let Kate
move in with us?

I really enjoyed
having her here.

She was very comforting.

I think that if you add up
all of the waking moments

in the last four months

of which you were not
making any mistakes,

it would probably add up
to about six hours.

So, like, what did I do
that wasn't a mistake?

Kate--definitely
not a mistake, I think.

She was so hot
that I thought

she had to be mentally defective
to be sleeping with you.

You're such a fucker.

Or hiding a secret,

like maybe she murdered
her parents.

I don't know.

Why didn't you tell me
I was fucking up, man?

There were way
too many other people

trying to tell you
that I didn't need to.

Not that you listened.

No.

So what are you gonna do now?

And luckily Ace
didn't kill me,

and eventually he found the kid
who really did turn him in,

and he texted me, 'Sorry, bro.'

And I texted him back,
'It's okay.

I forgive you.'

I was not cut out
for that business,

but not everything
was totally destroyed.

He looks like a deranged maniac.

- I'll deal with it.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

What happened to your face?

Um, so you left these
at my apartment,

and I wanted you to have them.

David, what the fuck?

What the fuck are you
doing at my house?

Well, I came to see you.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?

You would've said I couldn't.

Why are you covered in sweat?

Did you bike here?

Why?

I don't know.
It was nice out.

I didn't--I didn't really
give it much thought.

I just sort of did it.
Can we please talk?

Okay, fine.

Morn, I'm going out for,
like, one minute.

I'll be right back, okay?

Okay, let's go down,
talk down here.

It's nice to see you.

What happened to you?

I got beat up by Ace.

I mean, I deserved it,
you know?

I don't think I have
the constitution

to be a drug dealer.

I mean, you know that.

I came to tell you
that I miss you

and that I took for granted

and that I know that
I took for you granted

and that I'm really, really
sorry I took you for granted.

I'm making some of the changes
that we talked about, you know?

You're still working, though?

Not anymore.

I can live off
my savings for a while.

You know, I made,
like, $25,000-ish,

so I feel like
that should be all right.

There was $25,000
under that bed

I was sleeping in?

Probably more like $15,000
to $18,000 when you slept in it,

but...

Whatever, though, it's--
it's not worth it.

You know that.

I know.

Do you think that writing
job's gonna work out?

Definitely not,
but I've been applying

to a lot of other stuff,

but I feel like this
might be off-putting

to potential employers, but...

- Babe.
- Hi.

Um...

That's your ex-boyfriend.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Um...

You probably should--

- Yeah.

I'm so frustrated with myself.

I don't know why
I do stupid things.

I'm just, like, kind
of a fucking idiot, you know?

Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

Hey!

Simon!
Simon, stop it!

Simon!
Come back.

What are--what are you doing?