Original subtitles

YOU'LL LIKE THIS, DICK.

THE COMMERCIAL SAID THE EXTRA INGREDIENT IS LOVE.

NEXT TIME, TRY MAKING THE EXTRA INGREDIENT CHEESE.

WHAT'S WITH HARRY?

DON'T BOTHER HIM. HE'S TRANSMITTING MY STATUS REPORT.

STATUS REPORT?

TO THE BIG, GIANT HEAD?

WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO ANSWER

TO THAT PENCIL-PUSHING DESK JOCKEY?

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS.

WHAT DID IT SAY ABOUT ME?

RESUME NORMAL FUNCTIONS IN 3...2...1...

[BURP]

WHAT DID I MISS?

WHAT WAS IN THAT REPORT?

LOTS OF TIME AND EFFORT.

COME ON, READ IT BACK.

"DEAR BIG, GIANT HEAD,

"HOW ARE YOU? WE'RE FINE." YADDA-YADDA-YADDA...

"THE MISSION IS TAKING LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED.

"THE BEING DESIGNATED SALLY

"HAS BRAVELY INFILTRATED THE FEMALE GENDER.

"THE HARRY UNIT IS FUNCTIONING ADEQUATELY.

"THE COMMANDER HAS SQUANDERED SIX MONTHS

PURSUING A SINGLE EARTH WOMAN."

WAIT, WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT?

I AM FUNCTIONING ADEQUATELY.

FUTILE PURSUIT OF DR. ALBRIGHT?

HOW COULD YOU WRITE THIS?

I'M THE INFORMATION OFFICER.

I'M SWORN TO TRUTH.

THE TRUTH IS,

THROUGH MARY, I'VE EXPLORED EVERY FACET

OF THE MALE-FEMALE DYNAMIC.

HAVE YOU ESTABLISHED A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER?

NO.

HAVE YOU BONDED EMOTIONALLY? NO.

HAVE YOU HAD ONE SUCCESSFUL DATE?

IF BY SUCCESSFUL YOU MEAN PLEASANT...

NO.

DON'T SWEAT IT, DICK.

THE BIG, GIANT HEAD NEVER READS THESE THINGS.

PERHAPS I HAVE BEEN REMISS,

BUT BY WEEK'S END,

I'LL HAVE ESTABLISHED AN EMOTIONAL BEACHHEAD WITH DR. ALBRIGHT.

THIS I VOW!

YEAH, AND HARRY'S GOING TO WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE.

WELL, I'M HAPPY JUST TO BE NOMINATED.

GOOD MORNING.

MORNING, NINA.

OH, THOSE ARE NICE.

THEY COST $89.

DON'T TELL HER THAT.

OH. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD MORNING.

THEY COST $89.

OH.

DR. ALBRIGHT,

WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR

OF JOINING ME FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

NO.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH PAIN YOU'RE CAUSING?

HE'S NOTHING IF NOT RESILIENT.

NOT HIM. ME.

YOU TWO ARE DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY ATTRACTED TO HIM.

TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE, WOMAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I...

LOOK AT HIM.

I SUPPOSE IT'S TIME TO GIVE THE BIG DOG A BISCUIT.

AND I DO HAVE TO EAT.

O.K. I ACCEPT.

YES!

DICK, I REALLY NEED TO GET IN THERE.

I NEED TO BE HANDSOME TONIGHT.

I MEAN SEARS-CATALOG HANDSOME.

IF HE WANTS TO GET SOMEWHERE WITH HER,

HE SHOULD FOLLOW MY LEAD.

MR. RANDALL AND I HAVE A DREAMY RELATIONSHIP.

YOU DON'T EVEN CALL HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME.

THAT'S WHAT SOPHISTICATED PEOPLE DO ON THIS PLANET.

I REALIZE IT'S NOT AS ROMANTIC

AS YOU AND AUGUST SHARING YOUR PUDDING CUP.

HEY, HEY. WE WERE JUST VOTED CUTEST COUPLE SO SHUT UP.

O.K., WHERE'S MY SHOES?

WELL, I THINK I SAW ONE OF THEM RIGHT OVER THERE.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S HARRY!

HIS CRANIAL MICRO-RECEIVER IS ACTIVATED.

TRANSMISSION INCOMING FROM THE BIG, GIANT HEAD.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE BIG, GIANT HEAD.

HE CARES ABOUT YOU.

YOUR STATUS REPORT WAS RECEIVED.

PLEASE WAIT FOR COMMENTS.

PLEASE, PLEASE, NO COMMENTS...

NO, NO, NO. NO COMMENTS...

THERE ARE NO COMMENTS.

RESUME NORMAL FUNCTIONS IN 3...2...1...

AH-CHOO!

I TOLD YOU HE NEVER READS THOSE THINGS.

I REALLY RESENT HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO JUMP

WHENEVER HE SENDS A MESSAGE.

EVERYONE KNOWS HE ONLY GOT THE JOB

BY KISSING THE BIG, GIANT BUTT.

TODA, TODA, HAI.

TODA, TODA, HAI. TODA, TODA, HAI.

OH, THIS IS FUN. WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

HAI.

HAI.

OH!

HAI. HAI.

HAI. HAI!

HAI.

HAI!

HEY, HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO WHEN HE TOOK THIS JOB.

AUGUST...

WE SHARE MORE THAN PUDDING, DON'T WE?

YOU'VE GOT PUDDING?

I WAS USING IT AS A METAPHOR FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP.

OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SOFT AND GOOEY?

NO, NO.

NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WALK ME UP.

I DON'T MIND. HEY, GUYS.

HI, MR. RANDALL.

WELL, SIT DOWN. TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT--SHOES.

TOMMY, UM,

I NEED THE PARLOR TO ENTERTAIN MR. RANDALL.

MR. "HEAVEN" RANDALL.

WE'RE DOING HOMEWORK.

YEAH. MESOPOTAMIA.

OH, THE FERTILE CRESCENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT?

PARDON?

NEVER MIND.

I'LL SEE TO THAT COFFEE. TOMMY, HELP AUNTIE SALLY.

EXCUSE US.

I NEED TO BE ALONE WITH MR. RANDALL.

I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE!

OH, YOU JUST WANT THE LIVING ROOM SO YOU CAN MAKE OUT!

HOW'S HISTORY THIS YEAR?

GOOD. GOOD.

SOO-NA, SOO-NA...

HAI!

SOO-NA, SOO-NA, HAI!

[SSSSS]

OOH!

OH!

AAH!

OOH HAI!

OOH...

HAI.

[SSSSSS]

THANKS FOR BAILING ME OUT.

YOU ARE SO MUCH FUN.

DR. ALBRIGHT,

YOUR HAND'S ON MY KNEE.

WANT ME TO MOVE IT?

PLEASE.

NO. I MEANT MOVE IT AROUND.

WELL, AUGUST SURE LEFT EARLY.

WELL, YOU DUMPED COFFEE ON HER.

SHE CRITICIZED MY JELL-O WITH CHEESE.

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN ARE YOU?

LET'S NOT SQUABBLE. WE'RE FAMILY.

SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT.

COME ON, LET'S PLAY A GAME, SHALL WE?

WHAT'LL IT BE?

BITE ME.

ALL RIGHT. WHO'S IT?

O.K., FINE, YOU KNOW?

YOU TRY TO HELP, AND THIS IS THE THANKS--

TRANSMISSION INCOMING FROM THE BIG, GIANT HEAD.

AGAIN?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR STATUS REPORT.

I JUDGE YOUR MISSION TO BE A COMPLETE FAILURE.

REPLACEMENTS ARRIVE IN 24 HOURS.

RESUME NORMAL FUNCTIONS IN 3...2...1...

KKGGHH...

WHAT DID I MISS?

THEY'RE ABORTING THE MISSION.

REPLACEMENTS ARRIVE TOMORROW.

THEY'RE SENDING US HOME.

OHH... OHH...

OHHH...

UHHHHH...

OH, DR. ALBRIGHT,

THAT WAS THE GREATEST 30 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

AH, SMELL THE SPRING AIR.

WHAT SAY WE HAVE CLASS OUTSIDE?

THE WORLD IS SUCH A PERFECT PLACE.

WHAT ARE WE DOING INDOORS?

DR. SOLOMON...

WHAT IS IT, DARLING?

I THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING OUR FINAL EXAM.

I'M SHOOTING FOR A "D," SO I'LL NEED THE FULL HOUR.

FINAL EXAM...

TODAY?

HAA...

I FORGOT. ISN'T THAT A HOOT?

YOU SEE, I DIDN'T MAKE IT HOME LAST NIGHT.

I COULD HAVE,

BUT I WAS AWFULLY COMFORTABLE WHERE I WAS

IN A PLACE THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT HOME.

DR. SOLOMON,

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT. IT'S TOO PERSONAL.

LET'S JUST SAY...

I HAD SEX WITH DR. ALBRIGHT.

DR. SOLOMON,

WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, BUCK.

YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

LAST NIGHT AT 11:22 EASTERN STANDARD TIME

MY SPIRITUAL SELF, X, AND MY CORPOREAL SELF, Y,

WERE FUSED TOGETHER...

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

BUT LET'S MOVE ON...

DICK, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I HAVE BIG NEWS.

WELL I HAVE BIG NEWS TOO.

CAN WE STEP OUTSIDE FOR A MINUTE?

O.K. CLASS, WHILE I'M GONE,

PONDER BEING NAKED UNDER COOL, COOL SHEETS.

WE'RE LEAVING?

NO-O-O-O-O!

JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION.

ALL RIGHT. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING,

IF YOU SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED

I'D EXPERIENCE SEPARATION ANXIETY,

AND I'D PROBABLY HARBOR SOME RESENTMENT.

BUT YOU'D KNOW THAT I'D ALWAYS CARE ABOUT YOU, RIGHT?

WAIT. ARE YOU DUMPING ME?

NO. NO!

IT'S THAT CHEERLEADER, CHERYL, ISN'T IT?

I'LL CLUE YOU IN, PAL.

IT'S ALL PADDING.

YOU--YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND--

IT IS?

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

SURE.

IF I COULD NEVER MAKE COFFEE FOR YOU AGAIN--

NOT THAT THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

I'M HERE WITH MY POT READY TO POUR.

WOULD YOU MISS ME?

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

CALL IT...

GIRLISH INSECURITY.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

AWFUL.

LIKE SOMEBODY RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT

AND THEN SHOWED IT TO YOU?

WELL, NOT SHOWED IT TO ME.

SO WITHOUT ME YOU'D BE A MISERABLE WRECK

FOR A WEEK, A MONTH, THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

THE REST OF MY LIFE.

OHH...

MR. RANDALL...

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY YOU'VE MADE ME.

[MUFFLED] THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU AND DR. SOLOMON HAD A DATE TONIGHT.

WE DID.

HE STOOD YOU UP?

OH, NO, NO. I TALKED TO HIM.

HE SAID HE GOT AN UPSETTING PHONE CALL

FROM A FRIEND WITH A BIG HEAD.

HE DIDN'T THINK HE'D BE MUCH FUN TONIGHT.

WELL, MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE EXCUSE WAS,

"I HAVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS."

YOU HAD THAT PULLED ON YOU?

YES.

BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS, THE GUY DIED.

YOU GOING TO BE O.K.?

I AM AT THE STAGE IN MY LIFE

WHERE I REFUSE TO LET A MAN'S CHILDISH BEHAVIOR

STEER ME OFF COURSE.

I'M TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.

WELL, IF I WERE YOU,

I'D GO NAIL HIS SORRY ASS TO THE WALL.

THAT IS THE HIGH ROAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE BEING CALLED BACK.

I DON'T WANT TO GO.

I'M SO UPSET. WHAT TO PACK?

CAN I TAKE THESE OPEN-TOED METALLIC SANDALS?

ONCE WE'RE OUT OF HERE, WE WON'T EVEN HAVE FEET.

BUT THEY LOOK LIKE PUMPS AND FEEL LIKE SNEAKERS.

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.

OHH...

I'VE GROWN ATTACHED TO CERTAIN THINGS ON THIS PLANET, TOO.

I'LL MISS THE SUNSETS, THE CHANGE OF SEASONS,

THE WAY MY STUDENTS AVERT THEIR EYES

WHEN I PASS THEM IN THE HALLS...

YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL MISS THE MOST?

ALL OF YOU.

WE'LL STILL BE TOGETHER. WE'RE STILL A UNIT.

BUT WE WON'T BE A FAMILY ANYMORE.

OH, LIEUTENANT...

OH, SIR...

I PROMISED MYSELF I WASN'T GOING TO DO THIS.

HARRY, BE BRAVE.

THIS IS NO TIME FOR WEAKNESS.

WE MUST BE STRONG!

DICK.

MARY.

DICK...

MARY.

DICK. HARRY.

WHAT?

I'D LIKE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU IN PRIVATE.

MARY, WE HAVE NO SECRETS

WHATEVER WE HAVE TO SAY,

WE CAN SAY BEFORE EVERYONE.

LAST NIGHT WHEN WE WERE HAVING...

LET'S GO OUT ON THE ROOF.

I'M GOING TO GET MY RECORD COLLECTION FOR THE TRIP BACK.

YOU KNOW-- TUNES FOR THE ROAD.

GREAT. 14 LIGHT-YEARS OF GLEN CAMPBELL.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

SO DO I. SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO START.

LET ME TRY FOR YOU.

LAST NIGHT MEANT THE WORLD TO YOU,

BUT YOU HAVE TO PUSH ME AWAY SO YOU DON'T HURT ME.

PLEASE, BELIEVE YOU. PLEASE, BELIEVE YOU.

THAT'S IT EXACTLY.

YOU UNDERSTAND MY EVERY THOUGHT.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE HAD THE MILK...

WHY BUY THE COW?

NO, MARY.

I WANT YOU.

I WANT THE COW.

FOR WHAT, A ONE-NIGHT STAND IN THE BARN?

I WON'T BE TREATED THIS WAY.

YOU HURT ME.

HOW?

YOU KNOW WHY WE ENDED UP AT MY PLACE?

NOT BECAUSE I WAS LONELY OR HAD TOO MUCH SAKE.

WE ENDED UP THERE BECAUSE...

I CARE FOR YOU.

OH, MARY...

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOW TO TELL ME?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH NOW?

I WISH I HAD A MACHINE THAT COULD FREEZE TIME.

UNFORTUNATELY, I LEFT IT IN MY OTHER JACKET.

DICK?

OH, DICK, COME IN HERE.

I'VE GOT WONDERFUL NEWS FROM HOME.

YOU--

WAIT RIGHT HERE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MMOOOO.

O.K., DICK'S HERE. WHAT IS IT?

THERE WAS A MISTAKE IN THE MESSAGE.

COME ON! TELL ME!

DICK, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE GOING.

WE'RE STAYING.

YEAH! YEAH!

AWW... OHH...

HOW DID YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION?

I WAS DOWN IN THE BASEMENT GETTING MY RECORD COLLECTION

AND I BUMPED INTO YOUR REPLACEMENT.

MY REPLACEMENT?

HE'S IN THE BASEMENT.

HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, DICK--NOW.

HELLO?

HELLO?

WHERE ARE YOU?

YOU!

YOU'RE GORGEOUS!

THANK YOU.

THIS BODY SHOULD SUIT ME NICELY.

THE BIG, GIANT HEAD IS VERY UNHAPPY...

COMMANDER.

I'VE BEEN SENT HERE TO REPLACE YOU

AND COMPLETE THE MISSION

WITH RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY.

NOW I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME FOR ME TO ASSUME COMMAND.

YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST TAKE OVER?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

THE PEOPLE HERE ARE SO COMPLEX.

THEY HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS AND IMPULSES,

DREAMS AND FEARS...

EVERY TIME YOU'VE MASTERED ONE,

ANOTHER ONE CATCHES YOU BY SURPRISE.

TONIGHT I FINALLY MADE A BREAKTHROUGH.

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE CARES ABOUT ME.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE NOW!

OH, YES, I CAN.

WHAT ABOUT...

MARY?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER...

GOOD.

NO.

I WON'T ALLOW IT!

I LOVE HER. I'M NOT LEAVING HER!

HOW TOUCHING.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE ACTUALLY CHANGED MY MIND.

I THINK I WILL LET YOU STAY HERE.

RIGHT HERE...

FOREVER.

HEH HEH HEH HEH...

HA HA HA HA HA...

NO.

YOU'RE NOT--

[THUNK]

OH, MY GOD!

HE'S TURNED ME INTO A MIME!

YOU KNOW, IF YOU PLAY WICHITA LINEMAN BACKWARDS,

YOU GET OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

HEH HEH HEH HEH...

WHAT'S SO FUNNY, DICK?

I AM NOT...

DICK.

[GASP]

I'M YOUR NEW HIGH COMMANDER.

FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS SUCH.

O.K....

SUCH.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DICK?

THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT.

THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF CHANGES AROUND HERE.

FOR INSTANCE, FROM NOW ON,

THIS...

GOES HERE.

AND THAT'S JUST THE FIRST OF MANY...

CHANGES.

WOW.

WHAT A BLACK HOLE.

MARY...

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS I'VE BEEN A BUMBLING FOOL.

AS OF RIGHT NOW, THAT'S OVER.

I ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE THING NOW,

AND THAT'S PLEASURE.

YOURS...

AND MINE.

OH, PLEASE.

THAT'S GOOD.

I LIKE IT WHEN THEY BEG.

HOW DARE YOU!

SHH.

LET DADDY DRIVE.