Original subtitles

SALLY, WHERE'S MY BREAKFAST?

I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT

SINCE THAT KETCHUP YOU FIXED--

NOT THAT IT WASN'T DELICIOUS.

YEAH, YEAH. KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.

I JUST CAN'T GET READY AS FAST AS YOU GUYS.

EVERY MORNING I HAVE TO WASH,

DRY, PLUCK,

POWDER, DAB, CLEANSE, DE-CLEANSE,

FOLIATE, CURL, BLOW, AND BUFF.

WELL, THAT'S FAR TOO COMPLICATED.

I USUALLY JUST RINSE, SPIT, UNZIP THE PARKA, AND VOILÄ.

SALLY, WHERE'S MY BREAKFAST?

I'M WORKING ON--

HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

WHAT IS NOBLE IN A UNIVERSE WHERE ENTROPY GRIPS US

IN A FATAL DANCE OF NIHILISM?

WHY'S HE TALKING LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW. ALL I DID WAS THIS--

GIVE ME THIS!

IF HE'S BROKEN, IT'S GOING RIGHT IN THE REPORT.

I WROTE A SONG YESTERDAY,

AND IT GOES LIKE THIS...

WHAT'S WITH HIM?

HE SEEMS TO BE HAVING A REACTION

TO A CRUSHING SKULL BLOW.

WITH THIS?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT--

CAREFUL. WE COULD ACTUALLY HURT HARRY.

[IMITATING ROSS PEROT] NOW, LIBERALS WON'T YOU BELIEVE--

WHAT?

I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T LIVE WITH THAT.

I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T LIVE WITH THAT.

HURRY! HURRY!

I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

STOP IT, ALREADY.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

HER PANTS ARE TIGHT. SHE CAN'T GO TOO FAST.

WHAT IS THE BIG EMERGENCY?

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

THE DISHES-- THEY'RE DIRTY,

AND WE NEED A PLATE!

DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO WASH DISHES?

OF COURSE NOT, THAT'S SALLY'S JOB.

THAT AND KILLING SPIDERS.

OH, PLEASE.

WE WOULDN'T ASK,

EXCEPT SALLY'S MYSTERIOUSLY ABSENT.

WITHOUT A CLEAN PLATE WE COULD STARVE!

DICK! COME IN HERE!

HERE SHE IS.

YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE

ALL THE CUTE STUFF I GOT TODAY.

EVERYTHING CAME TOGETHER LIKE A WELL-OILED PISTOL.

I'VE GOT THE LAST PAIR

OF FERRAGAMO SLING-BACKS ON LAYAWAY.

I NEED 300 BUCKS.

WHY?

BECAUSE WITHOUT THE SHOES, THE BELT'S A JOKE.

LIEUTENANT, WE SEEM TO BE HAVING

A BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OF COURSE NOT. IT'S ABOUT WOMEN.

OH. AH.

WOMEN'S ISSUES.

OHH, WOMEN...

MAYBE IF YOU EXPLAINED IT,

I WOULD UNDERSTAND!

I'VE BEEN EXPLAINING SINCE WE GOT HERE!

ONE THING I DO UNDERSTAND--

THIS FEMALE OBSESSION OF YOURS IS COSTING ME A FORTUNE!

SPIDER! SPIDER! SPIDER!

FINE, TAKE IT ALL BACK TO THE STORE.

I'M GOING TO GET A JOB.

I AM TIRED OF HAVING TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU

WHENEVER SOMETHING PRETTY GOES ON SALE!

COME ON, HARRY. YOU'RE GETTING A JOB, TOO.

I AM? YES.

I WILL NOT GO UNACCESSORIZED!

I HAD THAT DREAM AGAIN.

WHICH ONE?

I'M RIDING A TRACTOR, SMOKING A BIG CIGAR.

OH! YOU'RE OVULATING.

HEE HEE HEE HEE.

WHAT?

GIRL TALK.

GIRL TALK?

I'M SORRY. DID THAT SOUND SEXIST?

NO, SEXIST WOULD BE IF YOU TOLD ME I HAD A TIGHT BUTT

THEN SAID IF I DIDN'T GO TO BED WITH YOU I'D BE FIRED.

DR. SOLOMON, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

OH, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

ME MAN. ME TOO THICK TO GRASP GIRL TALK!

OH, NINA, ARE YOU GOING TO THAT LECTURE SERIES ON THURSDAY?

DOCTOR NATALIE BLUMFELD IS SPEAKING.

YES!

SOUNDS WONDERFUL. CAN I COME, TOO?

IT'S REALLY NOT FOR YOU.

IT'S A PLACE WHERE WE CAN OPEN UP

AND SHARE OUR FEELINGS.

I HAVE FEELINGS.

IT'S A WOMEN'S STUDY GROUP.

WELL, I'LL TAKE NOTES.

PLEASE LET ME COME.

DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO INVOLVE YOU?

IN A PERFECT WORLD, YES!

I'LL BE VERY QUIET. YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M THERE.

I THINK A MAN'S PRESENCE WOULD BE INHIBITING.

I SAID YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M THERE!

DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

IT'S NOT AS IF WE WERE DELIBERATELY TRYING TO EXCLUDE YOU.

YOU WANT TO HAVE LUNCH NOW?

SURE. OH, I'D LOVE TO.

[SLAM]

FINE.

I'LL HAVE MY LUNCH ALONE...

LIKE A MAN.

[SOBS]

MY APPLE IS SO TINY!

THESE CAREER TESTS ARE SO STUPID.

MINE SUGGESTS I SET MY SIGHTS ON

OPTOMETRY OR HORSE TRAINING.

WHAT DOES YOURS SAY?

ASTRONAUT.

HA HA! YEAH, RIGHT,

YOU, FLYING AROUND IN SPACE.

ME!

LIKE I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANTIMATTER CONTAINMENT VESSELS!

TOMMY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?

BACKPACK AROUND IRELAND FOR A FEW MONTHS.

YEAH, YEAH, WHEN?

AFTER WE GRADUATE.

OH.

OR, BETTER YET, WE COULD MOVE TO NEW YORK

AND RENT A LOFT IN THE VILLAGE

WITH A VIEW OF THE RIVER.

IT'LL PROBABLY COST ABOUT 300 BUCKS A MONTH,

BUT THAT'S O.K.

WE'LL FIND JOBS IN BOOKSTORES.

UH-HUH.

TOMMY, GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK.

WELL, IT S-- IT SOUNDS GREAT.

THEN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NON-COMMITAL?

I--I--UH--

I DON'T KNOW.

IS IT ME?

OH, NO, NO, NO!

IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S GRADUATION!

I'M NOT SURE I'M EVEN GOING TO BE HERE IN FIVE YEARS.

I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO COMMIT

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SURE I'M YOUR SOUL MATE.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE SORTING OUT YOUR FEELINGS, CALL ME.

AUGUST, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! I--

I THINK THAT...

WE'VE REACHED A POINT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP

WHERE I CAN TELL YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT ME.

WHAT?

AUGUST...

I CARE MORE ABOUT YOU THAN ANYTHING,

AND AS LONG AS I'M ON THIS PLANET, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

THERE. NOW AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU SORTED OUT YOUR FEELINGS?

OH, YEAH.

OH, BOY, DID WE LUCK OUT.

NOT EVERYBODY CAN WALK IN OFF THE STREET

AND GET A JOB AT A PANCAKE HOUSE.

HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, THE TRAINING MANUAL

SAID NO HAIR BELOW THE SHOULDERS.

NOW, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S GOING TO LOOK THERE, BUT...

YOU KNOW, A RULE'S A RULE.

HEY, UM...

I GOT A QUESTION.

WE'VE BEEN ON THIS PLANET A WHILE,

AND I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF WE WERE TO TELL SOMEONE WE REALLY CARED ABOUT

WHERE WE WERE ACTUALLY FROM,

WOULD IT BE SO DANGEROUS?

NO, NOT AT ALL, TOMMY.

I'VE ALREADY TOLD MRS. DUPCEK AND THE MAILMAN

AND THAT NICE GUY DOWN AT THE MINIMART,

BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS

AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!

O.K.

SALLY! I'M RIGHT AGAIN!

I RETURNED TO THE STORE.

I SENT BACK YOUR EXTRAVAGANT PURCHASES,

AND I MET A LOVELY SALESWOMAN NAMED GWEN.

AND THE TWO OF US EFFORTLESSLY PUT TOGETHER

A THRIFTY YET STYLISH ENSEMBLE.

BEHOLD.

BIG DEAL. IT'S JUST A LITTLE BLACK DRESS.

AH, TO THE UNTRAINED EYE.

BUT ADD A FAUX JACQUARD SCARF

AND A PAIR OF PEARL BUTTON EARRINGS,

AND LOOK.

OOH!

AND...

THIS SKIRT.

IT'S AN ECONOMICAL ACRYLIC BLEND,

BUT LOOK HOW IT DRAPES.

AND THE VERTICAL STRIPES ARE SO SLIMMING.

AHH... AHH...

YOU LIKE?

NICE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, SALLY,

SINCE I'VE OPENED YOUR EYES

TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF OPTIONS,

YOU CAN RETURN ME THE FAVOR.

DR. ALBRIGHT BELONGS TO A WOMEN'S STUDY GROUP,

AND I MUST FIND OUT WHAT SHE'S DOING THERE.

GOD KNOWS YOU DON'T WANT TO RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES.

EXACTLY.

HAS AUGUST EVER BELONGED TO

A SECRET WOMEN'S ORGANIZATION?

WELL, SURE. THE GIRL SCOUTS.

BUT SHE GOT OUT BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT

THE COOKIE SELLING VERGED ON RACKETEERING.

WELL, LIEUTENANT,

YOU HAVE YOUR ASSIGNMENT.

I CAN'T HELP YOU, DICK.

AS OF TODAY, I'VE SUITED UP

AND JOINED THE PROUD RANKS OF THE WORK FORCE.

COME ON, PEPPY!

WAIT A MINUTE!

PLEASE!

I'LL SHOW YOU 50 WAYS TO TIE A SCARF!

TOMMY, COULD--COULD YOU--

NO, DICK.

I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE'S DOING.

HMM.

A STUDY GROUP FOR WOMEN.

WOMEN ONLY.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

I HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE

TO INFILTRATE THIS GROUP.

BUT WHO?

WHO?

HEY.

YOU GOT ANY REAL SYRUP?

WHY YES WE DO SIR.

BUT MAY I SUGGEST...

A DASH OF BOYSENBERRY

TO BRING OUT THE HIDDEN OAKINESS

IN YOUR VERMONT MAPLE?

[SOUNDLESS MUTTERS]

ENJOY IT...

MR. GRABBY.

UH...WHOA.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WAS YOUR SERVICE QUICK AND COURTEOUS?

YES.

WAS YOUR FOOD HOT AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU ORDERED?

YES.

MOVE OVER, SWEETIE.

THEN WHY IS IT, MY FRIEND,

WHEN I SUBTRACT YOUR CHECK FROM THE AMOUNT ON THE TRAY

I COME UP WITH 97 CENTS FOR ME?

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D COUNT IT IN FRONT OF ME.

BUT YOU'RE GLAD I DID, AREN'T YOU?

YES, MA'AM.

BECAUSE NOW YOU UNDERSTAND

THAT A TIP IS SHORT FOR GRATUITY,

AND GRATUITY IS SHORT FOR GRATITUDE.

I NEVER HEARD THAT, MA'AM.

DON'T INTERRUPT ME.

GRATITUDE FOR A JOB WELL DONE.

NOW, 5% IS NOT GRATITUDE, MISTER.

IT'S AN INVITATION TO AN ASS-KICKING.

GOT IT?

GOT IT.

THANK YOU!

HAVE A NICE DAY!

SO, UH, SPLIT ENDS. IS THAT SERIOUS?

NO, BUT THEY'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

UM...

AUGUST, IF I TOLD YOU A SECRET,

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HANDLE IT?

YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME?

OH, THIS IS NOT JUST ANY SECRET.

THIS IS--THIS IS A REALLY BIG SECRET.

YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING BIG SECRETS FROM ME?

WELL, NOT JUST YOU.

I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY IMPETIGO.

I KNOW. IT MADE ME FEEL VERY CLOSE TO YOU,

BUT MY SECRET'S A LOT MORE SERIOUS

THAN JUST A CONTAGIOUS SKIN RASH.

YOU DON'T TRUST ME.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO BLABBING THINGS OUT

WHEN I'M AFRAID THERE MIGHT BE

A FEARFUL, IGNORANT REACTION.

I UNDERSTAND.

AHH. GOOD.

[SIGHS]

OH, JEEZ!

IF I HAD KNOWN YOU COULD JUST CUT THIS OFF,

I WOULD HAVE DONE IT MONTHS AGO!

WELCOME.

MY NAME IS JUDITH.

THANK YOU, JUDITH.

WE HAVE BEVERAGES AS WELL AS HUMMUS AND PITA.

WHY NOT? I'M WEARING CONTROL TOPS.

OH, PARDON ME.

NO, IT'S ENTIRELY MY FA--OH, MY!

NINA, IT'S ME, DR. SOLOMON.

OH!

HEE HEE HEE!

I'M WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES.

AH! THAT'S IT!

WAIT RIGHT HERE.

DR. ALBRIGHT.

DR. ALBRIGHT.

NINA, CAN'T THIS WAIT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

DR. BLUMFELD IS IN THE MIDDLE

OF A VERY INTERESTING STORY.

WELL, MINE'S BETTER.

YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM.

WHERE WERE WE?

MARY, LET'S NOT MONOPOLIZE DR. BLUMFELD.

HAVE A SEAT.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES. WE'RE READY TO BEGIN.

EVERYBODY SETTLE.

I'LL--I'LL JUST SQUEEZE IN OVER HERE.

HELLO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DO YOU HATE ME?

OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

DO YOU EVER HAVE THIS LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD

THAT SAYS THIS MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA?

SHH! SHH!

I'D LIKE TO START

BY HAVING EVERYONE ASK HERSELF A QUESTION.

HOW AM I CENSORING MYSELF?

WHAT AM I DOING

TO INHIBIT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE AROUND ME

BY CONCEALING MY TRUE SELF?

I HAVE A THOUGHT ON THAT.

DON'T YOU DARE.

YES!

I WORK IN AN OFFICE,

AND I FIND THAT I HAVE TO CENSOR MY FEELINGS

JUST TO FIT IN.

I'M OFTEN EXCLUDED,

AND WHENEVER I DO SUMMON THE COURAGE

TO EXPRESS MY DESIRE TO BE EMBRACED BY THE GROUP,

[SOBBING] I FIND MYSELF

MUZZLED AND SQUELCHED BY THEM.

WE'RE HERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER.

PLEASE, GO ON.

AND--AND YOU ARE?

DICKIE JO.

DICKIE JO?

DON'T MOCK ME!

I'M BEING EXCLUDED AND SEQUESTERED BECAUSE OF MY SEX.

I CAN FEEL THE AIR CHANGE IN THE ROOM

WHEN I WALK IN.

AND I JUST THINK IT'S SO UNFAIR!

JUST STOP IT! STOP IT!

BIG GIRL. PRETTY...

BUT BIG.

NO, I WILL NOT!

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO CLOSE THEMSELVES OFF?

THEY DON'T. LET IT OUT!

I WOULDN'T ENCOURAGE DICKIE JO.

MARY, LET HER SPEAK.

YEAH. YOU GO, GIRL!

MARY, WHY DO YOU WITHHOLD,

PRETENDING THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE YOU

THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND?

WE'RE BOTH GROWNUPS. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

NOT HERE. NOT NOW.

DR. BLUMFELD IS RIGHT.

WE CAN'T HOLD OURSELVES BACK ANY LONGER!

KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S THERE?

ME!

GO AWAY!

IT'S TOO LATE.

I'M HERE.

OH!

I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.

ME, TOO.

HEY.

LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

THAT I'VE INVESTED A LOT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP,

AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN TREAT ME THIS WAY, YOU'RE WRONG.

YOUR HAIR LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

OH, THANKS. UM, AUGUST...

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS AT FIRST,

AND IT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU SICK.

IT'S ABOUT MY FAMILY.

[MUTTERING]

[SIGHS]

WELL, THAT WAS A WASH!

THE WOMAN I LOVE WON'T LET ME BE A WOMAN!

[EXHALES]

I NEED SOME HERBAL TEA AND A FAT-FREE COOKIE.

LISTEN, AUGUST,

WHAT I NEEDED TO TELL YOU--

DON'T SPEAK, TOMMY.

Don't speak.

SO, HARRY, HOW MUCH DID WE MAKE?

I'LL GET OUR TIP JAR.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FULFILLED.

FOR THE FIRST TIME AS A HUMAN,

I FEEL A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT AND WORTH.

WOW!

$27 AND 15 CENTS.

COME ON, HARRY.

YOU MUST HAVE MISSED A COUPLE OF 100s.

LET ME SEE THIS.

I WORKED EIGHT STINKING HOURS

FOR A LOUSY PILE OF PENNIES?

I COULD HAVE FOUND THIS IN A COUCH!

HEY, REMEMBER, WE'RE SPLITTING IT.

SHUT UP!

$27 AND 15 CENTS!

OOH!

AND A MENTO.

NOT A MENTO.

THESE JUST CAME FOR YOU.

IF YOU THINK FLOWERS CAN REPAIR THE DAMAGE,

YOU ARE SO WRONG!

THEY'RE NOT FROM HIM. THEY'RE FROM JUDITH.

YOU WANT ME TO READ THE CARD?

NO.

PLEASE?

NO!

WELL...

ANOTHER PLACE I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GO TO AGAIN.

WHY NOT? THEY WERE VERY SUPPORTIVE.

DID YOU LEARN NOTHING ABOUT WOMEN? I DID.

YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FOOL I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

REALLY? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

TO SAY THAT YOU BEHAVED CHILDISHLY

IS AN INSULT TO CHILDREN EVERYWHERE.

THAT'S IT. OPEN UP. TALK TO ME.

I...

AM A MERRY-GO-ROUND PERSON.

YOU ARE A TILT-A-WHIRL PERSON!

THIS IS GOOD! TELL ME YOUR FEELINGS.

BEFORE YOU CAME INTO THIS OFFICE,

I HAD A VERY SANE AND ORDERED LIFE.

I COULD GO FOR WEEKS WITHOUT EXPLAINING MYSELF,

AND NOW THE SKY'S THE LIMIT!

YOU...DRIVE...ME...

CRAZY!

I DO ALL THIS TO YOU?

YES!

WELL, I MUST BE A PRETTY EXCITING GUY.

AAH!

THAT'S GOOD!

NOW WE'RE COMMUNICATING. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

WHAT AM I THINKING?

YOU LIKE ME.

YOU REALLY LIKE ME.

SALLY, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME AS A WOMAN?

BECAUSE I THINK I'M ENLIGHTENED ENOUGH NOW TO HEAR IT.

AH. WELL...

MEN ARE ALWAYS BOSSING YOU AROUND.

NO ONE EVER SAYS "THANK YOU."

AND YOU'RE EXPECTED TO CLEAN UP AFTER EVERYONE.

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BEING A WOMAN OR A WAITRESS?

WAITRESS, WOMAN--

SAME THING.

I JUST NEVER REALIZED

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE ARE IN THE SERVICE OF OTHERS.

EVERYBODY HERE SELLS HIS TIME FOR MONEY.

IT'S LIKE TAKING A MORTGAGE AGAINST YOUR LIFE.

MY LIFE IS WORTH MORE THAN MINIMUM WAGE

AND THE OCCASIONAL SLICE OF FREE PIE.

I'VE JUST GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD. EVERYBODY NEEDS A GOAL.

YEAH. I WANT TO LET MY HAIR GROW BACK.

I WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

I WANT TO BRING MANKIND THE GIFT OF ELECTRICITY.

THEY HAVE ELECTRICITY.

AH.

THEN MY WORK IS DONE.