Original subtitles

Seriously? Max, you don't lead with a high card.

Haven't you ever played Whist?

Sorry, I'm more familiar with games that, you know, are

from the last century.

Okay, we're not that old.

I've heard you complain multiple times

about the Earl of Sandwich.

Because putting meat between bread was my idea.

[door closes]

What up, gang?

Hello, my sweet wife.

Jesse, you left your mug in the sink again.

The dishwasher is right here.

I am so sorry. I'll do it now.

I shouldn't have to remind you every time.

What do I look like, your mother?

No one say anything.

It's just inconsiderate. I mean...

You have no memory of the mug, Phyllis.

-Oh, hey, sweetie. How was the gym? -So good.

-PHYLLIS: [chuckles] Oh. -[chuckles]

H-How often does he do that?

I mean, I get it when it's about, you know...

-Good. Subtle. -Seems like he uses it for lots of little things, too.

I guess, now that you mention it,

-he might lean on it a bit much. -JESSE: All right.

-Love you. -Jesse, are you just

gonna leave your gym bag on the floor?

Sorry, I got it.

Someone could trip over it.

I mean, how inconsiderate can...

It was never on the ground, Phyllis.

Oh, hey, sweetie. How was the gym?

-So good. -Aw.

God, I wish I could do that to my wife.

For instance,

now would be a convenient time for such a power.

Whist.

♪ ♪

MAX: [sighs] I am so exhausted.

I'm getting zero sleep in Mort and Henry's room.

-Has Mort been snoring? -[scoffs] I wish he were snoring.

It is so much worse.

He's been working out this new stand-up material

about being a half-vampire.

It's tough being half-vampire.

You don't feel quite human,

and full vampires like to give you a hard time.

They're like, "What, you only have one fang?

"You bite someone's neck and it looks like

you punched a hole in a Capri-Sun?"

HENRY: It's not that I don't think it's funny.

It's just...

it's hard to laugh in a world so full of heartbreak.

Mort, is there any way I could hear your stand-up routine

in the morning?

Nah, comedy's better at night.

Speaking of night,

what time did the half-vampire go to bed?

Half-past.

I am so tired.

It's just a very specific niche,

and I'm not sure there's an audience for it.

Look,

I know that your dad was against me

sharing a room with you,

but maybe we could revisit the idea?

Obviously, I would love that, but you know

-he's not gonna go for it. -[sighs]

This is crazy. I'm a vampire now. I live here.

When is he gonna warm up to me already?

Look, there are worse things than not being liked by my dad.

For instance, several of my boyfriends

were killed by a jealous stalker werewolf.

[sighs] Sorry I was gone so long.

With the skirts and the crinolines and the petticoats,

it's a whole production.

[gasping]: Oh, my...

Oh, come on, Larry.

I actually really liked this one.

Look, werewolves kill vampires. That's just how it is.

But, hey, uh, now that you're single...

It's not happening, Larry.

-Oh, my God. -Point is,

it could be worse.

So we sleep in separate bedrooms,

-it's not the end of the world. -But we're adults.

I mean, one of us is 250.

A very young, happening 250.

Nice save.

Look, maybe we could just talk to your dad?

Plead our case?

Max, there you are.

What do you think of this?

Knock, knock.

-Who's there? -Ivana.

Ivana who?

Ivana suck some of your blood,

but then also eat some human food.

Half-vampire. Eh?

[forced laugh]

Yeah, we'll talk to my dad. Yeah.

APRIL [over TV]: That's right. I've been alive this whole time.

Oh, my God.

I did not see that coming.

-PHYLLIS: Jesse. -Oh, crap.

Is this April Forever?

-No. -PHYLLIS: Yes, it is.

That's April, who keeps repeating

the same month over and over.

APRIL: It's tax day? Again?

It's not the best concept.

I can't believe you watched ahead. That's our show.

I wasn't watching any prestige drama without you, Phyllis.

Oh, hey, guys. Just sitting on the couch?

-Yep. Just having a sit. -PHYLLIS: Sounds good.

-Well, I'm off to mah-jongg. -Okay.

-PHYLLIS: Bye. -See ya. -You give 'em hell, hon.

[sighs] Woof, that was a close one.

-[weak chuckle] -All right, back to it.

-Jesse... -Yeah?

Do you ever feel like maybe, sometimes,

you overdo it with wiping Phyllis's mind?

-Where's this coming from? -Well,

Max pointed it out this morning,

and now, I kind of can't unsee it.

And, yeah, I get it with the vampire stuff,

but you're using it to just avoid little arguments.

Yeah, I mean, I don't like fighting,

so, you know, just makes things easier.

Mm-hmm, but

doesn't it seem like maybe it's not super nice to Phyllis?

Okay, that's a fair point.

But counterpoint, you and Charles fight all the time.

So, you don't exactly seem to be a model couple.

I'm just saying, maybe there's a happy medium

between all the time and complete avoidance.

And sometimes, fighting can lead to growth

and deepened intimacy.

You mean like...

makeup sex?

Have you experienced it?

I mean, I've heard tales of it.

Well, let me just say, it is one hell of a ride.

Dad... Max and I are gonna

come talk to you about sharing a room.

I want you to listen, hear us out,

and then say, "Absolutely not."

I-I'm confused.

So you don't want to share a room with Max?

No. At least, not yet.

We've never even spent the night together.

We've been physical, of course.

Do not need to hear this.

But then, you turned him into a vampire,

and he had to move into the house,

and I love having him here,

but I just feel like I need some small space

that's just my own.

Well, why don't you just tell him

you don't want to share a room?

Because he's sensitive. I don't want to be the bad guy.

And, you know, it works coming from you

'cause you're famously anti-Max.

"Famously." I like that.

-I like that people are talking. -Please, Dad.

I want to give this relationship every chance to succeed.

I just feel like us sharing a room now,

this soon...

I worry it's the kind of thing that could break us up.

-You know what? I will help you. -Thanks, Dad.

And, obviously, this conversation never happened.

Oh, this is a fun side of you. Very Machiavellian.

You know, he gets a bad rap.

He was actually a wonderful fellow.

Like, sure, there was some scheming,

but we were all scheming back then. There wasn't much to do.

Okay, I'm gonna leave your office now.

-Good talk. -Okay, bye.

So, there I was, in the middle of Chico's with Judy Glaser,

and here comes Carol Cooper, so I say, "Hi, Carol."

Friendly as can be, and she walks right by,

like she doesn't see us.

That's great.

Great? Why is it great?

-Jesse, are you even listening? -Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm s-- I'm sorry.

I was just quickly checking the score.

-I am all ears now. -Okay.

So, I figure Carol's got her hearing aid turned down, fine.

-But then, we're having a quick bite at Panera's... -Come on.

Carol. [scoffs]

Is what I would've said to her, you know, for...

doing what she did.

You know what, Jesse, just forget it.

I don't even know why I bother.

Hey, you're not always listening when I talk.

Oh, I'm sorry, let me hear again the riveting retelling

of the recent Men's Healtharticle

you read on interval training.

It was interesting.

Said nobody ever.

Unbelievable. You know what?

What are you doing with your hand?

[sighs]

Actually...

nothing.

Phyllis, let's have a fight.

That's what we're doing, you moron.

-Okay, don't call me a moron. -Then don't be one.

Wow.

This is really happening.

What are you talking about?

I'm so, so sorry. You go, you go, you go. No, let me go.

I-I don't know how this works exactly,

but I am excited to find out.

Dad, do you have a minute? It's kind of important.

Well, this is certainly unexpected,

but for you two, I can make time.

Look, I know that you're old-fashioned,

but these days, it's actually very common

for couples like Emma and myself to sleep in the same room,

even outside the confines of marriage.

We're asking you to reconsider your decision

about Max and me sharing a room

because it's very, very important to me.

[Charles sighs]

Fine with me.

-Really? -What?

Who am I to get in the way of two consenting adults

who obviously just want to take their relationship

-to the next level? -MAX: That's great, Charles.

We really appreciate it.

You're sure about this, Dad?

-I have no objections, Emma. -EMMA: Well, if you did,

I don't think anyone would be surprised,

seeing as how that would be very consistent with your character.

Uh, honey, come on. "Don't sell past yes," am I right?

Maybe I'm just feeling generous, but you have my blessing.

This wasn't the plan, Dad.

MAX: The plan?

What-what-what is happening?

Yes, Emma, pray tell us. What is happening?

You were supposed to say no.

Wait, what? W-What is going on?

[sighs] Okay, Max, here's the deal.

I was concerned about us sharing a room so quickly,

so I told my dad to say no when we asked.

Wait, so you-you don't want to share a room with me?

Not yet.

So you lied?

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, well, mission accomplished. I feel awesome.

-No. Max, I'm... -No, I... [sighs]

I'm sorry.

What the hell, Dad? What happened to the plan?

After we finished our father-daughter scheming,

I went off and did some solo scheming, and I figured,

rather than do something that would help

your relationship with Max,

I could go the other way.

So you're trying to break us up on purpose?

I just think you can do better. Is that a surprise?

I'm famously anti-Max. Your words.

Can't believe you.

Here's a tip: don't make deals

with people who reference Machiavelli.

-As long as you carry... -JESSE: Oh, Liz. Liz.

-I took your advice. I stopped wiping my wife. -Oh.

Even when you know what it means,

it still doesn't sound good.

-Seriously, Dad? What happened? -JESSE: I realized

I can't keep doing that to your mother all the time.

I mean, I thought that I was avoiding confrontation, but

I was really avoiding intimacy,

aka makeup sex.

Those are Liz's wise words.

Okay, he's paraphrasing.

The point is, boys, your mother and I just had a brutal fight.

And it was awesome.

I mean, it was rough sledding at first.

Like, she would say something that upset me, right?

But then, I would say something back that upset her.

An argument, right. You're describing an argument.

But then, the craziest thing happened.

We actually started listening

to each other's point of view and connecting.

-Dad, that's awesome. -JESSE: I mean, it started out

as a fight about me not listening

to her boring-ass mah-jongg group stories,

but what I came to realize,

through the miracle of conversation,

is that the stories are unimportant.

What's important is me showing that

I care enough about our marriage

to give her my full attention.

Remarkable.

Partly that it took you 180 years

to come to this kind of realization,

but also that you've made this stride.

Yeah, proud of you, Dad.

Thank you, son. Oh, hey, Phyllis.

You come in here for a second?

I got to make up for lost time.

-Yes? -JESSE: Honey.

You know that vase of yours that the cleaning lady broke

ten years ago?

Ugh, I loved that vase. And Sandra denied it.

The nerve.

Well, it was me. I broke it.

-What? -I was trying to learn to spin a basketball on my finger.

PHYLLIS: What?

Let's get into it.

[panting] Oh, man, I love you.

And I love makeup sex.

You're both great.

Good thing you already broke that vase

'cause we definitely would've knocked it off the nightstand.

-[laughs] -Yeah, we would've.

By the way, I'm so glad you were honest with me about that.

-I love that you and I don't have any secrets. -Oh.

It's amazing, right?

We can be totally open with each other.

Yeah.

In fact...

I want to be totally, totally open.

-There's something I haven't told you. -Really?

Yeah.

You see, the thing is...

I'm a vampire.

[laughing] Yeah, you are.

Oh, no, no, no. I wasn't doing sexy talk.

-Is that a thing people say? -Oh. I don't know.

I thought I was learning it from you.

Oh, no, s-sorry, what I meant was...

...I'm a vampire. We all are.

[screaming]

-Help! Help! Stay away from me. -Honey, honey, honey, it's okay.

-No, it's okay. -Stay away from me, all of you.

Vampires!

So, I told Phyllis that

we are vampires, and she did not take it well.

PHYLLIS: Help!

Vampires! Help!

This is gonna get annoying. Mind if I just...

-CHARLES: [sighs] Thank you. -Much better.

Did not know she could do that.

She's the only one with the power in the coven.

-Pretty cool, right? -LIZ: But it only works on humans.

And she can only do it to one person at a time.

Okay, guys, jealous much?

Wait, I was pretty recently human.

-Did you ever freeze me? -Um...

All right, tonight, your education

-in jazz great Art Pepper begins. -[jazz music playing]

It's like he's in the room, right?

Yeah, it's, uh, really something.

Well, that's why I run two tone arms,

so you can use a stereo cart and a mono cart.

You see, the thing about jazz is...

Sorry, Max, I just need a little break.

Only during peak jazz talk.

Yeah, I guess I can be pretty obnoxious sometimes.

I could see why you wouldn't want to share

a room with someone like that.

Max, it's not that. Listen,

-about before... -Bigger fish.

Jesse, how could you share our secret with Phyllis?

You had no right to do that.

You need to mind-wipe her right now, please.

Yeah, but I'm trying to be more open and communicative.

You know, more mature.

Why, after two centuries,

are you suddenly trying to be mature?

Well, because Liz said that Max said that it wasn't nice,

all the wiping.

-I mean, they're not wrong. -Yeah, Dad, it doesn't seem very nice.

Jesse, in fairness, we were talking about you wiping her

to avoid confrontation over everyday matters,

like emptying the dishwasher

or putting the toilet seat down.

Yeah, the vampire thing is sort of a whole other level.

And, love her to death, but Phyllis is a bit of a gossip.

And if we got exposed,

things could go very badly for us.

We do not want to get back on the radar

of vampire hunters or werewolves.

Especially with the chalice being destroyed.

Oh, Max, do you know about Larry, the stalker werewolf?

Yeah, I've heard some pretty upsetting things.

I would not want to be in your shoes.

Apparently, that guy is hardcore.

Thanks.

Even short of something catastrophic,

if we were found out,

we would have to move again.

Uproot our lives.

CHARLES: Jesse, the clock is ticking.

You need to mind-wipe her right now

before the memory becomes permanent.

Do I have to?

Jesse...

[sighs] Fine.

You're doing the right thing, Jesse.

[sighs]

Help! Wait,

weren't you all standing in different places?

Phyllis, you don't remember anything I said

about us being vampires.

Oh, hey, everybody.

Anyone want to go to Michael's Crafts?

-[sighs] -Hello, Phyllis.

Wait, why is my throat sore?

Ugh, I hope I'm not coming down with the plague again.

[clears throat]

[jazz music playing]

Is that bebop?

Are you bebopping right now?

I feel like you're just guessing, so it's annoying, but

-yeah. -[music stops]

Listen, Max, I just wanted to say...

I'm really sorry.

I just don't get it. Instead of being honest with me,

you concocted some sort of elaborate ruse.

-It wasn't that elaborate. -Don't defend the ruse.

The victim of the ruse gets to choose

the adjectives to describe the ruse.

You're right.

The thing is, I do want to live with you.

Eventually.

But everything has happened so fast,

and I'm scared that,

if we rush this, we're going to ruin something great.

Yeah, Emma, I'm scared, too.

I'm scared of moving too fast or getting hurt.

I'm scared of your jealous werewolf stalker,

who apparently loves dismembering

all of your boyfriends.

It was just... four of them.

One survived.

Though, it was almost worse for him.

Yeah, not helping.

The point is, I get it.

If you're not ready, you're not ready.

And I respect that.

You can have all the time you need.

Thank you, Max.

[sighs] Okay.

-I think I'm ready now. -What?

Well, something about you so thoughtfully

respecting my boundaries. It's kind of hot.

Okay, but I meant what I said.

You can take some time.

I really want you to be sure.

Max, don't sell past yes.

Oh, copy that.

All right, so we're doing this?

Think we're doing this.

-Yeah? Okay. -Mm-hmm.

Awesome. Uh, well,

I can grab some stuff to move in.

I can get my clothes, uh, the turntable...

-Mm... mm-mm. -No, the turntable stays down here.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Yes. Yeah.

Great acoustics down here.

Dad, can we talk to you?

Yeah, what's going on, boys?

We were discussing, uh, what happened earlier,

and we get looking out for the coven...

MORT: But there are two families in this house.

One that doesn't keep secrets from each other.

And one that's us.

What are you guys saying?

We spend our whole lives

having to keep a secret from the world.

We don't want to have to do that in our own home.

MORT: We want to tell our mom about our lives.

Our wins. Our troubles.

Our half-vampire related stand-up chunk.

The point is, we want Mom to know who we really are.

It's time.

[sighs] Guys.

Come here.

Listen.

I know that this is really hard,

but we have to respect what the coven says.

It's not just up to us.

But isn't it?

[Jesse clears throat]

Where are we going?

I don't think this is the way to Michael's Crafts.

Although, if we keeping driving, we'll run into another one.

That's the great thing about Michael's.

-That and their incredible coupons. -Incredible coupons.

[laughs]

[exhales sharply]

Well, here we are.

What's going on?

-We're in the middle of nowhere. -Phyllis...

Babe.

There's something I have to tell you.

[Phyllis screaming]

It's okay, babe! Just run it out!

[Phyllis continues screaming]

Actually, I'm just gonna keep an eye on you,

make sure the coyotes stay away.

I'm right here when you're ready to talk!

[Phyllis continues screaming]

JESSE: I love that we're communicating!

So what do you think so far? This isn't too bad, right?

Does he have to be staring at us like that?

Who? Thelonious?

He's watching over us.

Sure. Yeah, I-I can take it down.

See? We're communicating.

That's how you work through issues,

before they even become issues.

Heck yeah. Take that, Dad.

[both chuckle]

I was saying like, "In your face," metaphorically,

to my dad. I wasn't calling you "Dad."

-No, I-I got it. Yeah. -Okay.

I'm excited about this, Max.

Thanks for being patient with me,

and for talking me through it.

-I'm excited, too. -And you're right,

there's nothing to be afraid of. We can do this.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night, babe.

[panting]

Yeah, this is... good. [weak chuckle]

[clears throat]

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