Original subtitles

Jesus Christ, that is so vile.

I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

Some say the earth will end in fire, others in

ice.

From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire.

Some women prefer white men. Others prefer Asian.

I, however, prefer the underage, dark-skinned boys who play basketball

and listen to Chris Brown. Excuse me?

I didn't say anything.

Marry me.

Change me.

Seriously, change me.

I think I just soiled my pants.

Do you want the bears or the bunnies?

Bunnies are good.

Grandma?

Wow. What are you doing here?

Grandma, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Edward.

Hello. Hi.

Yes.

Hello, Grandma.

No teeth.

Oh, God.

Ah, yeah.

Ah, yeah.

No.

Hey,

sweetheart.

Looks like somebody got in a little late last night.

Actually, I got in at exactly 8 o'clock.

So what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?

What? Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.

Look who's gonna be staying with us for a few weeks.

Grandma?

Yeah. Yeah, Grandma thought she'd come out and see you graduate.

Oh, no.

Oh, hey, Belle.

Who's a vampire, huh?

Yeah.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Oh, looks like somebody got in a little late last night.

Actually, Dad, I got in exactly at 8 o'clock.

So what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?

You know what, Dad, let's just move on.

Look, uh... You know why I grounded you, right? Because I suggested the features

that made Facebook as lame as MySpace?

What? Because I've been asleep for three movies?

What? Oh, is it because I accidentally trapped those 33 Chileans in a mine for

over a month? No, no, it's because I wanted separation between you and

Edward.

That there's nothing you can say. Edward's in my life.

Hello!

Yeah, I gathered that.

All right, look.

I'll make you a deal.

You're not grounded anymore if you use some of your newfound freedom to spend

some time with your other friends, too.

Like Jacob.

Honey, he's going through a real rough time now.

His dad's worried about him.

I remember when that was you.

You needed a friend.

Jake was there.

Not to mention that they're turning that Indian reservation into a casino. Honey,

you could marry into a ton of cash. Then you could finally buy your old man three

Taiwanese hookers. What?

Two Taiwanese hookers.

I'm good with one.

Not selfish.

Jacob hadn't talked to me in weeks. I wanted to fix it, but he just

wouldn't give me a chance.

These wounds are deep and my lungs are filling up.

Wake me now, this love's taking me.

Am I all alone?

Going to the reservation?

What?

No. I'm going to the cheese store.

They have this new camembert that's supposed to be... That's some sexy

cheese.

Edward's been having a tough time trusting me as of late.

And I wasn't exactly sure why.

Maybe it was because he saw me take a 20 out of his wallet.

Or maybe it was because he caught me giving oral at the dancing bear party.

I don't know, I just don't get it.

You

mind?

So, we spotted Bella and Edward together again, and according to them, they swear

they're not an item.

Whatevs. He's so dropping his nuts in her mouth.

As opposed to dropping them on her chest.

Well, wouldn't that make them chestnuts?

Sorry, Harry.

Blonde dude's nuts joke was better.

Hey, so what's the deal, guys? You together or what?

Oh, come on. You got diehard fans?

Is Edward well hung, or does he have a tiny penis?

That is wildly inappropriate.

Well, what about Bella, Edward? Does she have a large vagina?

Well, that, too, is incredibly inappropriate.

It's huge.

T-shirts!

Get your T-shirts right here. Troy and Tina have more today. We got 25% off for

all new members. There you go, sweetheart.

We got buttons. We got pins. We got notebooks. We got underwear. We got

socks, T-shirts, sneakers. We got whatever you want. All right.

I've decided to throw a party. After all, how many times do we get to

graduate high school?

Another party, Alice?

It'll be fun.

We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and we'll drink some blood. What?

Oh,

look who's

in town.

There's no one there.

Look again.

Who are they?

The little colons.

They're little versions of us.

They swoop into towns after we've left them behind and pick up all the

emotionally wounded scraps.

Don't look now, Belle. But little Edward is totally eyeing you.

Little Edward.

Edward.

We have a pact, you little putz.

You're not supposed to be within 100 miles of me. I'm well aware of that, but

I don't give a crap.

I'm hot for Bella.

She's one hot piece of ass.

See?

You always tell us because Bella wants me.

Little Jasper.

Jasper.

You never answered any of my calls.

I missed you. You were stalking me. I missed your scent.

I missed your forehead. I missed everything.

Edward seemed a little uneasy about the arrival of the little colons.

From what I was told, they always seemed to put him in a weird place.

He just wasn't acting like himself.

was making me nervous.

But nothing outweighed the disdain he had for Jacob.

Don't let him touch you.

I measured it off at six and three quarter inches this morning.

What? Huh?

Where have you been?

Hanging out at home.

While you were hanging out at home, the guy spotted your ginger.

Victoria.

Alice's vision.

I was trying to protect you. By lying to me?

See, that's what you get with these vampires.

With me, you get so much more.

You get honesty and eight and three quarter inches.

I thought you said you were six and three quarter inches.

I lied.

I need to talk to him. I don't trust him.

Don't worry.

He's a great driver.

Okay.

Lose the grin, Jake.

I'm just going for a ride.

Damn right we are. Watch your leg.

Ooh.

Hold on. I got my pant leg caught. Oh, there we go.

You ready now? Yeah, yeah. All right, here we go.

Ow!

Yeah, hop on.

Hey,

can you help?

Sorry.

Rats.

I got the corn dog, so you're good with this, right?

I knew it. How was school today?

It hasn't started yet.

Oh, Mother Pearl, this is heavy.

Spike made of bricks?

Put a fire on your ass. Let's move.

That first mile, there were a lot of snakes.

Like, I mean, an ungodly amount of snakes. I can't believe that.

Just leave that there if you want.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you all right?

It's okay. She didn't mean it.

I'll be back to take care of you later.

Hey, are you sure it's cool that I'm here? I mean, I'm not a werewolf.

You worry too much, of course.

Ah, look who's back.

What up, Belle? Quo, you too? Yep, finally made the pack.

No, thanks.

You're good.

Glad you're here, Bella.

Now we can finally get a break from Jacob constantly humping the pool

heater. Not to mention the mattress.

Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe. Oh, yeah.

It's his way of imprinting.

What?

It just feels really good, okay?

Yeah, it does, right?

So, what's this whole

imprinting thing?

Imprinting?

Imprinting is when you see her.

Just everything changes.

It's no longer gravity that's keeping you on the planet.

It's simply her.

And nothing else matters.

Sounds like you know the feeling.

Have you ever imprinted on anyone?

I imprinted on my face first thing this morning.

Jacob, Edward's going to change me after graduation.

What?

You knew this was coming.

Not in a month, or before you even lived, or I had a chance to even imprint

all over the great abs you've got there.

Oh, my God!

Would you look at the ass on that sweet bitch?

I would tear that shit up in two seconds.

Jacob, I know that this hurts right now, but in time, you'll forget about me.

Jacob.

Jake! I've got a six-pack.

I was just saying, in time, you'll forget about me.

Bella, you really have no idea how much you

mean to me.

Don't touch me.

I just imprinted in my pants.

You know, Edward could at least respect meal times.

I was with Jake.

Oh. Dad, what is on your face?

What?

Hey, here's Pullman's cop.

Hey. Do you understand how worried I've been?

I was perfectly safe.

I almost broke the treaty and had to cancel my blow-dry appointment.

Oh, God. Sorry.

I know. I smell like dog semen.

No.

Something's wrong.

Edward?

What's wrong?

Someone's been in here.

And he hijacked Ebony Thunder.

Who was it?

Someone we know? Just a stranger. I didn't recognize his scent, but it was

intoxicating. A nomad just passing through?

A passerby wouldn't have left Bella's dad alive.

I wouldn't have.

The scent disappeared about five miles south of Bella's house.

It was very pungent.

I think he had huevos rancheros.

Someone's orchestrating this.

Victoria? I would have seen her decide.

Has to be the Volturi.

I don't think it's the Volturi either.

I've been watching Jane's decisions too.

So we keep looking.

We'll all take shifts watching Bella at her house.

Another protection detail for this little bitch?

Rosalie. No, she's totally right.

You guys can't protect me, watch my dad, follow the intruder, stock up on

glitter, and keep yourselves fed. I'm not going to leave you here unprotected.

Well, I won't let you starve.

Besides, I won't be unprotected.

Jacob and the wolves can help.

You know what I'm thinking?

Oh, shit.

We missed the first five minutes of Ace of Cakes.

Sometimes I wish I'd never moved to Forks.

I've caused so much drama, I would have been better off staying in Arizona.

But at the same time, I was kind of a loser in Arizona.

I ate lunch by myself, stayed home on Saturday nights, went to the homecoming

dance with Chow Lin, the blonde Korean pool boy.

You know, on second thought... I guess I really should have moved here. This is

the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Well, besides dry

humping Shaolin.

Is somebody eating Junior Mints? I totally spell Junior Mints. I love

Junior Mints. Sometimes I'll eat like 20 at a time and then throw them up.

I'm bulimic and vegan. Oh shit, there's an In-N-Out. Oh, I gotta run.

Well, whoever it was forgot to flush the toilet. That thing was huge.

But we picked up his scent.

Won't be hard to miss next time we cross it.

We can handle it from here.

We don't need you to handle anyone or anything.

I'll handle your balls.

All right, we're done here.

No.

You're done here.

Or maybe it's just the beginning.

Stop!

Stop it!

Stop!

God, I am so tired of this!

You know what? From now on, I'm Switzerland, okay?

By Switzerland, you mean large vagina?

Edward hated the idea, but it wasn't about rivalry anymore.

It was about my safety and Charlie's and the amazing package the host had at CPK.

In the days that followed, I got them both to at least try to work together.

Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!

It wasn't exactly an easy alliance, but it worked.

While Edward and his family went out to hunt, I'd spend time with Jacob.

Be sure it's okay that I'm here, seeing as I'm a vampire girl and all.

Do I have perfectly chiseled abs?

Besides, the tribal council has something special planned for you for

tonight. Jake!

Jake!

The Quillettes have always been a small tribe from the beginning.

And we have always had the magic in our blood.

We were great spirit warriors, shapeshifters.

We transformed into powerful Autobots that fought the Decepticons

while our children turned into Smurfs.

And we formed an alliance with Captain Krutz and fought the Hamburger.

We were unstoppable.

Our warrior's sharp teeth finally tore it apart.

It tasted like chicken.

We completely killed it.

The blockbuster franchise and the amusement ride.

However, they lived in fear that the cold man was not alone.

And they were right.

There was a herd of them.

All of them different characters played the exact same way.

Smells like coke.

The hint of berry.

That's stupid flinching.

Don't you know you can't have tea without the tea bag?

Here we go.

And the cold ones went insane.

They wiped out most of the tribe before they could escape.

The eldest chief, Mark Epstein, was the only spirit warrior left to

save the tribe after his son was killed.

Chief Epstein's second wife, Saw that he would lose

The second wife was no match for the being with no

special powers

The second wife's sacrifice distracted the cold ones long enough for Chief

Epstein to destroy it.

She saved the tribe.

It was a mitzvah.

Over time, our enemies have disappeared.

But one remains.

The cold ones.

Our magic awakens when they're near.

We sense it now.

We feel the threat.

In our blood, our loins, our cornholes.

Deep inside.

Kind of vibrating.

Proving around.

Pure heaven.

Something terrible is coming.

We must be ready. Ready to break wind if we have to.

To get their attention.

and defeat them.

Excuse me a minute.

Oh, he just sharted himself.

This is a great new art piece, guys.

Thanks, honey.

Actually, it's old.

Rosalie found it in the basement this morning, and I just thought it'd be fun

to look at. Nice find, Rosalie.

Yeah, the guy was made after some African tribal leader.

Mom used to date him.

As you can see, he was excessively endowed.

Well, not as big as your father, honey.

Dad was just girthy, Mom.

He's not as long as Nimbat.

Oh, you see, Alice and I used to share Nimbat.

Actually... Mom stole them from me. Now don't be angry because you're too tied

to do anal. Yeah, Alice.

Anal's cool.

Wait, shh, shh, shh.

I want to hear this.

Seattle is in a state of terror as police are baffled by the escalating

murders, disappearances, and how Brendan Fraser keeps getting work.

Brendan Fraser.

It's getting worse.

We might have to do something.

Takes more than one of our kind to report damages like that.

Quite a few more.

They're undisciplined.

conspicuous and they all sag their pants a little bit newborns aka noobs

oh like a level 2 orc in warcraft the first few months after the change

right that's when we're at our most uncontrollable we're vicious

bloodthirsty and we have this weird ocd thing where we have to count all the

time one testy testy two testy testy three

testy testy

Nobody tell anyone I have three testicles.

Something to look forward to.

The counting, not the testicles. Right.

I'm gonna go check the mail out front. She's ordered a new box of Proactiv.

Now these nooblets are untrained, but this isn't random.

Someone's creating an army.

A vampire army?

No, the Salvation Army, bitch.

Jesus Christ. What do you think we've been talking about?

You know, you really are an idiot. I fucking hate you. We're the only clan

closest to Seattle.

Regardless of why they were created, if we don't do something about them, the

Volturi will.

I'm surprised they haven't already done something.

Jesus Christ!

Don't you ever die, bitch!

What the hell are you doing, Rosalie?

I'm sorry, she's just so effing annoying.

Why don't you just talk it out with her, for Christ's sakes?

You okay, Bill?

Project Runway just started. We can watch it on the big screen upstairs.

Come on, Bella. Stop being so pretentious.

I don't know how you do it, Carlisle.

Do what?

Work around injured patients all day.

How do you not get tempted?

I've been doing this for a long time, Bella.

I've mastered self-control.

I wish all vampires had such control.

You know what I mean?

I do.

Is that Edward outside?

Where?

Oh, my bad.

You might feel a little prick.

What are you doing?

Nothing. It's standard for this kind of injury.

Sorry. I was falling off the bed, and I grabbed what I could to break my fall.

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Mind giving little Edward a hand?

You're so incredibly hot, Bella.

I don't know what you see in Edward, but I'm prepared to give you all of me. Let

me show you what I mean.

Oh! Oh, can you...

Can we just not do that?

Sorry.

Truthfully, I got kicked out of my place.

Can I stay with you for a while? I can't let you stay here.

No, not here.

Inside your cavernous vagina.

Oh, no. Yeah.

No. Oh, yeah.

Dude, what are you doing? Dude, I'm so sorry, dude. I know I'm not supposed to

be here.

But I can't help myself. I just can't stop thinking about her constantly.

Day and night.

She's like my own little personal heroine.

I just want her to touch it.

Touch it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I left my mic on.

It's so pretty here.

You know, Alice is throwing this huge graduation party, which, of course,

you're invited to.

She's got some really cool stuff planned. She's having, I guess,

something about Lindsay Lohan coming with some ping-pong balls and a mule.

Yeah, I figured as much.

I wanted to do this differently.

Smoother. But... But now I'm out of time.

Time for what?

You need to know the truth, Bella.

You have to understand all your options.

And right now, you have to understand that I'm twelve and three quarters.

Holy shit!

Is that wrapped around your leg?

Yeah, three times.

This new cream that I got is so incredible. It's gotten so big and

girthy now.

Hmm.

Bella, I want you to choose me over him.

I thought you understood, Jake. I just don't feel that way about you.

Shh.

Listen,

I know you feel something for me. You just won't admit it.

Now, you won't have to change.

For anybody.

Or say goodbye to anyone.

I can give you more than he can.

Really?

Watch it, a-hole. Hey, sorry, but I'm just wondering how you guys are doing.

We're doing fine. Do you want to leave us alone here?

Hey, come on. So are you guys a couple or what?

No! I'm trying to work on that. God damn it.

Come on, Jacob.

You guys look great together.

Tell us what's going on.

Someone just said they spotted the two of you canoodling at Boa's the other

night. Hey, give us the goods.

So, Jake, you all right getting Eddie's cheese?

Really? Huh? You want to talk about cheese?

How about that?

Oh, my God. This house is amazing.

I just took the biggest dump upstairs.

What are you doing here? Someone told me something about an all-you-can-eat

buffet catered by Red Lobster.

Congrats, Bella. I, uh... I made you a little something.

That is so sweet.

Thanks, Jacob.

You're welcome.

Ooh, sorry.

I mean... I have a six-pack.

So it is true.

I'll be right back.

What did you see?

The decision's been made.

What does that mean?

Not going to Seattle.

They're coming here.

Imprint. They'll be here in four days.

But not before stopping off at IHOP for all-you-can-eat pancakes.

How do you know all this?

I follow her tweets.

Just had the most amazing dinner at the brewery.

Can't wait for IHOP all-you-can-eat before killing Bella.

This could turn into a bloodbath.

Who was behind it? I didn't see anyone I recognized.

Maybe one.

No, his face.

Ronald Steers, he just friended me on Facebook.

Look, bottom line is there's an army coming here.

And there's not enough of us to stop them. Wait, what damn army? Come on,

dude. Noobs, okay?

Our kind.

They're coming straight for Bella.

They got our scratch-and-sniff vagina sent from this Ebony Thunder magazine.

So what does that mean? It's like a really good magazine. Ten issues for $9

.95. It means there'll be an ugly fight with lives lost.

But we'll probably get to wear some really cool outfits.

You'll get yourselves killed, no way.

I wasn't asking permission.

Edward.

Needs more protection for you. We'll all need some training.

Fighting noobs requires knowledge that Jasper has.

Uh, yes.

Yes. You're welcome to join us.

All right.

I like to do things. Name the time and the place.

This is all happening because of me.

We had to prepare for what was coming, which meant another HPV inoculation and

a 30-day supply of tux.

Thank you. I studied.

What is that?

Oh, it's just a graduation present from Jake.

Don't worry, I can't eat white cake.

It gives me really bad gas.

I mean, like, literally the minute I eat it, I just start ripping.

It smells really bad.

Kind of like a coyote carcass that's been left on the side of the road for

nine months with a side of melted Gruyere cheese.

Or, um, kind of like an underground Turkish sewer system after a gay pride

parade in the month of July. Or like I just ate a llama's dump after- Okay, I

get it.

Stinks. Yeah.

Sorry, we're late guys.

Jacob got his dick stuck in the pool heater again.

Took us a while to get it out.

What? It felt really good. Damn good.

I know, man.

I know. It's fine.

Anyways, welcome.

Jasper has experience with noobs.

Hell yeah. He'll teach us how to defeat them.

Well, how are you vampires different from those noobs?

They want to know how we differ from the noobs.

They're a lot more powerful than we are.

Not only do they have human tissue in their blood, they all juice up.

Like on steroids?

No, like Minute Maid, moron.

Carlisle, can we please just kill her so we can live the rest of our lives in

peace, please?

Unfortunately, for our kind, the first few months of this life are our most

powerful.

Let me show you some of the recent activities.

I hate bees.

It's worth seeing, guys.

Sorry.

Is that a B or a P?

It's a P.

P, honey.

I think B.

That was a P.

Sorry.

Anyway, Jasper's gonna teach us how to fight these monsters.

Jasper. Thank you, Carlisle.

Ladies and gentlemen, the two most important things about taking down noobs

are as follows. Number one, do not let them come at you from behind.

Keep your assholes tight.

They will get in, they will slip in, like my Uncle Chris slipped in.

Number two, do not let them fondle your nuts. They love nuts.

It's one of their top three favorite foods that are also body parts.

They love them. I've seen it.

Okay?

Rosalie, don't hold back.

Never.

Don't be blonde.

That was rule number zero. I just didn't say it. Alice!

Jasper. Lick dog ass!

Who's next?

Who's next?

Just go. Just run. Run.

Mighty Joe Young ain't got nothing on me!

Whoever

said

silk tastes like regular milk is completely full of shit. Screw this

diet.

So what's the plan here, paleface?

Well, this field will be an advantage in battle. We need to lure the noobs here

with Bella's scent.

This will end here.

Edward and I are going to a campsite on Saturday.

Even if he carries me, they'll still pick up my scent.

Your scent, however, is... revolting.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ooh.

Well, that's a good one.

Sharp.

Well, maybe just a test sample.

Okay, what Edward means is...

That if you carry me, your scent will mask mine.

So let's do a test run for Saturday.

All right.

Let's do this. Three, two, one.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

We'll get there. We'll get there.

Even though it was Edward's idea, he really wasn't a fan of me spending time

with Jacob.

I just wish he'd finally understand that my feelings for him are way stronger

than my feelings for Jacob.

Well, except when Jacob sweats between his breasts.

I enjoy that.

They're fun. I call them my fun bags.

Hey, you want a sandwich?

No, I'm good.

Dad, I was wondering...

Why didn't you ever get married after Mom?

Well, uh, actually, I almost did, sweetheart.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, his name was Frank, and he had the hottest eight-pack I'd ever seen in my

life. He loved tennis as much as I did.

On the weekends, we'd go to Palm Springs, get one of those rooms with two

queens for 69.69.

We'd go antiquing.

Take the Sky Tram.

Ass hump.

Oh, gross, Dad.

Why don't you just tell me some more about the Sky Tram? Of course. Sky Tram

is when I get nude and stand on the bed, and he lies on the floor and jerks off.

And if he shoots a load up in the air and I catch it in my mouth, we both yell

out, Sky Tram!

Wow, that's really gross.

I should have just asked you about antiquing.

Oh. Well, that's when you sky tram with an 85-year-old man.

Okay, Dad, can I just ask you something, please?

Anything.

Do you believe in marriage?

Of course.

Why?

Is there something you want to tell me?

Were you not careful, Bella?

What?

Look, there are things you need to know before you become...

Physically intimate.

Okay, dad.

Mom already had this talk with me, so... Look, sweetheart.

This isn't a game.

You need to know what sex is all about.

Now, a man has a penis, and a woman has a vagina.

Some women have very big vaginas. Dad!

Too technical? Okay.

Now, once insertion is achieved, the man and woman begin humping each other.

Could you guys demonstrate, please?

No, Dad!

Edward is not interested in sex.

Get out of here. No, he's not. I'm serious. No, I mean it. Get out of here.

You're wasting my time, then. I got business to do.

Go.

I'm sorry. My daughter has a huge vagina.

Hey, anybody up for a little antiquing?

You guys, have you heard of sky tramming?

I can't believe we have the whole house to ourselves for the night.

Pretty cool.

There's a bed.

Thought you might need one to sleep in.

Okay, I want to ask you something.

Anything.

Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?

Yes. Okay.

I want to negotiate my own condition.

Anything you want. It's yours.

You promise?

Yes.

Put this on.

What? Please?

Why? Thought it might be fun.

For you, anything.

Okay.

This too.

How's this?

Oh, it's perfect.

Okay, um, now call me your bitch.

What? I... I can't. Oh, oh, okay. Uh, how about ho? Can you say ho? No.

That's not how I was raised.

Oh!

My motherfucking bitch!

Oh, you're my goddammit!

Oh, yes.

Okay, now talk about my milky white ass.

I love your milky white ass. Oh, yes, that is so good.

Give me your chocolate pole, LeBron.

Okay, okay, stop. I can't do this.

It's just a little role play. I'm out, I'm out.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Let's just be us.

You and me.

You're the hottest thing around here anyway.

Whoa, okay, what are you doing? Oh, just go with it, Edward.

I'm gonna make you feel so good.

Whoa, okay, I can't let you do that.

Bella, Bella, I'm not ready.

Aren't you attracted to me, Edward? I mean, we can work through this.

I can get liposuction or I can get breast implants and shave my roast beef.

I mean, whatever you want.

No, Bella, I'm attracted to you, Bella.

It's just, I... Do you have the most enhanced breasts in the world?

Does that help?

No.

Please direct your attention to stage seven, and let's give a big body shop

welcome to Bella.

Try stuffing this in your fire crotch.

Thanks, mister.

Drink that.

Nothing. God damn it! What the hell is wrong with you?

Any guy would give his left nut to be nailing me right now.

Nailing me fucking hard.

You know what? Screw yourself.

Thanks a lot, fucksnort.

I lost my wood.

You're not coming with us.

It'll be a last-minute decision.

I told you how it works.

The Colons have powers.

Don't underestimate them, Ronald.

You'll have the numbers.

But they'll be able to anticipate your every move.

According to your friend.

Yes.

My dead friend.

Gary Coleman.

He found out about the things they could do, so they killed him.

But not before he told me about it.

Hey,

looks like you two have become quite the couple.

No, seriously, you guys are like a vampire version of Bonnie and Clyde.

It's so cool. Do you mind?

I mean, no, I get it. You want your privacy. But tell me, is the sex better

as a vampire or as a human?

Oh, come on, Ronnie.

Don't be shy, man.

Come on. What's the deal?

Is she not giving it up? Would you?

No comment.

Come on. Oh, shit. She's not giving it up, is she?

You're a vampire virgin.

Oh, little Ronnie's a vampire virgin.

All right, stop it!

You mess around, okay? Look, we do everything, but we just dried up like

half an hour ago. Seriously.

Whoa, dry humping. Wow.

That's some real Jonas Brothers shit, right?

Get off me. What? Hey, why don't you just give each other promise rings and

jerk each other off?

I didn't even do anything. You're on thin ice.

Victoria. No.

Don't you think you're going a little overboard?

If this is all that I have to contribute, I want to be thorough.

Thorough about what?

Hey, Jacob.

Alice says there's a storm coming through tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

I can feel it. I definitely have maximum shrinkage going on.

Oh, this needs ketchup.

Ooh.

Chipotle.

Let me jump in a couple of hours.

Ready to go, milady?

You know what to do.

Got it.

And now... Oh, my God.

Did you gain weight?

Did you lose muscle?

I'm projecting you. Ready?

That's one.

Yeah, they're not going to follow me after that.

Oh, Jesus. Is that really necessary?

You want to be safe, don't you?

Ronald, I'm not too strong of a swimmer.

Neither am I.

I was taking lessons at the Y and my teacher got gonorrhea.

She had to move back to Kansas.

I don't know how to swim.

And I have a vagina.

Enough!

We will figure it out.

Such babies.

Oh my god. No worries.

You're gonna really want to hurry up there, sweet tits. Those vampires are

hot on your ass.

Huh?

Oh, we're almost there. Awesome.

Almost got it.

God, this is hard.

Oh, my God.

Let me know when you want me to jump off, Grove. We're almost there.

That burn.

Okay.

Thank

you.

It was no problem.

We ran into a small stumbling block a few miles down, but we made it through.

You should probably head back before the storm hits.

Nah.

I'm good.

I think I'm gonna camp out here tonight.

Besides, I have a dove bar.

Why are you staying here?

Because I like to watch.

Let's get inside the tent.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I wish there was something I could do.

It's okay.

I'm fine.

Guys, we've got a problem.

Did anybody bring hot sauce? Because this burrito is dry. Whoa, Bella, you

all right?

We're all right, Jacob. Just leave us alone.

She doesn't look fine.

Leave us alone, man.

Hey, this isn't about you and me, Edward.

This is about Bella.

Come to terms with it, man.

I'm just hotter than you.

You serious?

Keep it clean.

Yeah, you got it.

Keep it clean.

Oh, yeah. Really, really clean.

I gotta say, Jacob, I mean...

If the situation wasn't what it is, I think we'd probably be

friends.

I know, it's weird, but I... I

think you're a good guy.

Good... A nice guy. I mean, I think your

intentions seem to be in the right place. It's...

Damn it, man. I mean... Is it our fault that our ancestors have been feuding for

centuries?

I'll drive me. I like you, Jacob, and... I need energy.

I'd like to start over with you.

Catch a movie.

Grab a coffee.

Go trip to Vegas.

It's crazy.

Vampire, wolf boy, hanging out, right? I know, I know.

But think about it. Oh, my God.

We could change things for our kind, for future generations.

Look at me, man. We could make a difference.

What do you say?

Want to go to Palm Springs?

Should I have a good night's sleep?

Yeah, it was good.

I gotta say, Jacob's not half bad.

I mean, he's a real, genuine, trustworthy gentleman.

It's hard to find that in someone these days.

I told you.

Jake. We've been totally looking for you guys.

Hello, Laverne.

Shirley. We called you guys, like, a million times. We posted, like, a

gazillion messages on your wall.

We sexted nude pictures to Jasper, like, every day.

I did not put that picture as my desktop profile picture. I did not.

Listen, ladies, we're a little busy right now.

Of course.

Blow us off again, Carlisle. We're used to it.

You seem to have plenty of time for us during the last exam of our vaginas.

Okay, girls, honestly, we're about to go into battle here.

Look, cut the bullshit.

Are you adopting us or not?

Unfortunately, no.

Well, fuck you, colon family.

Fuck you hard.

You want to go now? Did anyone notice they kind of looked a little similar?

What the fuck, hmm?

I thought you knew where we were going!

Recalculating route.

Damn GPS!

The news will be forced to enter from the east side.

We'll wait until they get halfway across the battlefield, and then we'll strike,

but only on my command. You got it? Right. On my command.

You have reached your destination.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Leroy!

It's starting.

He says it's starting.

They're planking.

And now they're owling.

It's really gay.

Oh, my God, they're owling. That is so gay.

Jacob just arrived.

He's marking his territory.

We're still going. We're still going.

Anybody still going? Huh? Huh?

Someone's hurt.

She's close.

I can hear her thoughts.

Something about needing a Brazilian wax because she's getting major chaffage

when she runs.

Seth, go!

She found us.

She's not alone.

Oh, God.

Ronald, listen to me.

Victoria is just using you to distract me.

She knows I'll kill you.

In fact, she'll be happy to not have to deal with you anymore.

Don't listen to him, Ronald.

I told you about his mind tricks.

Don't get distracted.

Keep watching, keep watching. Oh, which one could it be? Whoa, whoa, here we go,

here we go.

My goodness.

Fuck this!

You won't get another chance like this again.

You want her.

You want me to feel the pain you felt when I killed James.

When I tore him to pieces.

When I turned him to ash.

When I smoked him out of a bong and gave everyone a contact hide in Enrique

Iglesias concert.

Where you going?

Oh, so bad it smells like coyote carcass that's been left on the side of the

highway for nine months.

So bad, oh, it smells like a Turkish sewer system after a gay pride parade in

the month of July.

Oh, oh, so bad it smells like you ate a llama's dump after just one. Okay, yeah,

I know.

No, it smells bad. Hey, there they are.

Love the llama's dump line. Hey, hey. It was really good.

Hey.

Impressive. I've never seen a small group like yours defeat a large army

like theirs.

We were lucky.

I doubt that. Luck is when you have a six showing, and the dealer shows the

king, and you hit and pull up four and a queen.

Or when you bet exact two bucks on two 50-to-one horses, and they come and win

and place.

Or if you take Gremlin over Southern, BF the late 10 and cover on a last-second

Hail Mary.

We're gonna have to follow you!

Excuse me?

I'd like to commend you all on a job well done.

And hope to see you at Edward and Bella's wedding next month.

Mazel!

Wait, married?

You two are getting married?

Jacob, you knew this day was coming.

By my bronzed body.

Call off the wedding, or I'll take my life. Jacob,

put the knife down. This is not...

qualify as an emergency situation.

Call it off.

Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?

Hey, what's up, Jacob? How you feeling about the conflict in the Middle East?

You kidding me? Get the hell out of here, you asshole.

Dude, dude, I'm sorry.

My abs!

My glorious abs!

To Edward and Bella.

You have something.

Huh? You have something right here.

What? You've got a goddamn booger hanging from your nose and it's fucking

gross! No

measure of time

with you would be long enough.

But we'll start with... Forever.

It's impossible.

You're pregnant?

No, you idiot. Oh, Christ.

God, it's a really bad case of the shits.

God, I knew I shouldn't have taken those stupid shrimp tacos from that

Guadalajaran street vendor last night.

You're definitely pregnant, Bella.

There's only one slight inconsistency.

The results of the blood test reveal that the baby's DNA doesn't exactly

match that of Edward's. What?

That's impossible.

Not according to science.

Well, then whose is it?

Yeah, daddy's home, bitches.

Hi everyone, David here and I'm about to watch the new trailer for the Twilight

Saga Eclipse movie. We're about to watch it people!

Should we hold hands?

We've always held hands before, we should hold hands. You're true.

The following preview has been approved for appropriate audiences.

I'm so nervous.

Excuse me if I start, um, screaming.

Oh god.

No. No, no, no. Oh.

No, no, no, no. My.

God.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Oh, Alex!

New Eclipse clip, new Eclipse clip, new Eclipse clip, new Eclipse clip, new

Eclipse clip, new Eclipse clip, new Eclipse clip! I'm gonna watch it,

because I need to watch it, and I've been waiting to all...

Well, not all day, but most of today to watch it and I really can't wait anymore

because apparently it's got the Volturi in it and I love the Volturi.

Oh my god. Eclipse, clip!

Oh my god.

I'm looking right now at the page and I can watch the trailer now and I'm so

nervous. Oh my god.

I can't. Bye!

where the Twilight trailer I love the whole part the whole thing I love the

whole thing oh

my god why have they not leaked more okay do they not know the Twilight

fans need more we need more more please hi more please

i've just seen it for the fifth time i saw it four times yesterday and i've

just gotten home after seeing it for the fifth time and i am totally exhausted

and i'm just never gonna get sick of this film ever it's just not gonna

happen no it's not gonna happen no it's not i fucking love this film i fucking

love this film i fucking loved every single minute of it and i didn't get

kicked out which is actually quite a surprise to me because that's normally

what would happen to be totally honest with you oh my god i have to go and see

it again and again and again and again and again and again i don't even have

any other words and i'm tired and i'm still hyper and i've never really done

that before and i'm eating jaffa cakes for no apparent reason

Oh, God, no.

No. Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch!

Oh, God, why?

God!

Ah, yeah.

No.

How much you mean to me.

Made you a little something.

Made you a little something.

Made you a little something. Oh, my God!

I like to watch.

I like to watch.

Your vagina feels so good. I can do this all night.

Caliente! Muy mucho!

I don't know Spanish!

Excuse me.

Oh, uh, he shorted himself.

And action.

It'll be fun.

We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and we'll drink some blood.

Is that Japan?

Is that Japan there? They will take your ass, they will take your property like

they're playing Risk.

Oh, sorry.

Who's next, pussies?

I killed my wife!

Shut up. Just shut that lying face.

We need to rework our voting system. I feel like it was flawed.

He's nailing her good.

She's taking it like your mom used to. I'm proud of you, Mom.

Cut. I'm good with one.

I'm gonna give her.

Taiwanese means two hookers anyway.

Two hookers, two hookers.

control.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

I do.

Yeah, it'll be fun.

We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and, um... Whatever.

We can just call it on the fly.

Nice.

Huh? Alice,

don't be angry because you're too tight to do anal.

in my chest this hurts.

Ow. Are you okay?

I quit.

Whoa, you too?

Yep, finally made the pack.

Thanks.

Feels really good, huh? Oh, yeah.

I shouldn't lie, I'll say he's out of his mind Said he'd make me cry

Said he'd try his best, he says I shouldn't

tell us, I'll say he's out of his mind Said he'd make me cry Make

me cry, sure would've known when we got through with all the shirt on still

wasn't good i gave it on and some more i tried now i'm locked in

dust stuck with you can see outside what a wonderful view

lost inside i don't belong lost inside my way out it's long

time

He said I bet too much, I said the drug sales clutch, I know he's out

of his mind, I said he'd make me cry.

He said that he could quit his life and took our help, I know he's

out of his mind, I said he'd make me cry, make me cry. I should've

known when we got through.

With those shirt on, still wasn't good.

I gave it on, and some more. I tried, now I'm locked in.

Just stuck with you. Can see outside.

What a wonderful view.

Lost inside.

I don't belong.

Lost inside. My way out is long.

I'm with you. See ya.

He said he's glad I cried. I said your brain's so proud. I know he's out

of his mind. I said he'd make me cry.

Make me cry. I sure would have known when we got through. With all the shirt

on still wasn't good.

I get on and some more. I tried now.

That's not real.