Original subtitles

No! No!

What in the hell is going on?

This is ye olde 1777

Battle of Port Wenn...

Please stop yelling.

...which we reenact

with as much accuracy as possible...

...depending on who you ask.

There was a famous Battle of Port Wenn?

It began in the early dawn

- as the morning fog. - Nope.

- You're the nurse? - Dr. Reese liked it.

It's tradition, but yeah, I'd rather shoot a musket.

Oh!

Another innocent lost to battle!

Pox on the mad monarch!

Now, you see, this is what comes from defying the--

Yeah, just... it's just,

this is our last Battle of Port Wenn together.

Dad, I'm-- I'm just going away to college, okay?

I'm not dead.

- Oh. - Dad, I'll be home for holidays.

Plus, we can FaceTime.

And why do you do this?

To celebrate Port Wenn, protecting what is ours!

And never giving up

against the British invaders!

What's wrong with a nice plaque?

Oh, God!

Ow. Ow!

Ah, my leg!

- My leg! Oh, God! - Are you okay?

- Oh, hi. - Oh, sorry, Doctor.

No one on the battleground without a costume.

- Excuse me. I'm her doctor. - And this isn't real.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm just acting, see?

It isn't real. And-- and he's right.

You can't be on the battlefield without a costume.

- So thank you for your concern. - All right, come on.

Come on. There we go. Let's leave this.

Oh.

It's happening. We gotta go.

I-- I'm just wondering,

why didn't anyone ask me to be a doctor?

You kidding me?

You say no to everything we ask you to do for a year.

- Why would we bother? - Yeah.

And you're rude about it.

- 'Tis true! - Parker volunteered.

He was excited to be part of a Port Wenn tradition.

Well, bully for him.

Just drop the five right in here, sir.

There you go. Best beer you'll have today.

You look ridiculous.

I'm in costume. What's your excuse?

Since when did you start making beer?

Oh, every two years, and it's delicious. You want some?

No, I prefer my beverages pasteurized, thank you.

Hmm.

Well, you may have lost the battle,

but still time to win the war.

Yeah, protect me. Oh, yeah.

Give...

Fire!

No!

So good, Marky!

- Huzzah! - Huzzah!

Today's Battle of Port Wenn ends

as the Crown wins!

Return tomorrow for part two, when we wreak our revenge!

And don't forget to come to the Salty Breeze

for a 1777 lunch,

for only $17.77!

I-- I thank you.

Shall we?

Come on.

What's-- what's happening to me?

Hmm. Tremor cleared up on its own.

Huzzah, then I am relieved of me brief malady

and ready for me barking iron,

which, by the way, is Flintlock Smoothbore, approved.

- He's a stitch counter, Doc. - A what?

A reenactment authenticity expert.

Each outfit be hand-sewn

with the same number of stitches as be then.

- I actually can't with this one. - Me, either. Mm-hmm.

No, oh. There's-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down there, Ned. Your vitals are good.

But I don't know what caused that tremor.

Oh, the horrors of war

do wear mightily upon me mortal frame.

Well, that might be true, but ye oldie Ned is not at war,

so show me your arm, so I can take some blood for your labs.

There be no such labs in me day, Doc.

My office, my century.

Just-- There we go. All right, and it's in.

- Ow! - Outstanding.

- There we go. Yeah. - Great.

Just... like that.

Yep.

Now, as your authentic doctor,

if the tremor returns, I want you to come right back.

But in the meantime, I want you to stay home and rest.

Nay, I-- I shall just keep fortifying meself

with your aunt's beer,

- and buttered hardtack. - With what?

It's what they called the bread back then.

Glad you got so into it. It's fun, right?

Who would have thought that being a British doctor

pretending to be a British doctor could be so enjoyable?

Well, see you at the Salty Breeze, Doc!

I'm not going to the Salty Breeze.

See you there, old chap.

Tremor resolved.

I'm thinking... excitement, adrenaline.

But the blood tests will rule out metabolic causes.

Which I noticed you drew with no problem.

Yes, my cognitive behavioral exercises have been working.

I knew they would eventually.

You know, if things continue as they are,

I shall be giving you a jolly good review

with the old medical board.

Please stop with the "jolly". Wait.

- Really? - Yes.

And your former monitor, Renee, will be giving

- a very positive review, too. - Hmm!

But don't tell anyone I said that.

Mm-mm. Oh, that's-- oh, that's good news.

Yes, you may soon be back to practicing unmonitored.

- So, you'll be leaving? - Uh, I don't think so.

I might be sticking around a while.

Cheerio.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Can we please get Old Man Collins a fork?

- Salt pork with a spoon. - No, no. Have to be authentic.

- That's the rules. - At his age, take some pity.

If we give him a fork, we have to give everyone a fork.

Thank you.

Excuse me, I was wondering, uh,

what do you call this, what you're wearing?

Uh, well, it's a dress, so I call this a dress.

- Oh, I see. Lovely. - Mm-hmm.

What do you call what you're wearing?

Oh, these are my pajamas.

I was just wondering

if you would care to join me for dinner later?

- Just you and me and your dress? - Well, that depends.

I mean, will it be you or pretend doctor you?

Oh, whichever you prefer,

- milady. - Oh! Well, I prefer...

You okay, my love?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I knew we'd both eventually move on, but...

Just really wanted it to be you first.

Mom!

What? All's fair in love and war.

No, no. I want her to be happy.

We're buds now,

but, like, they barely know each other.

- Who is this guy, you know? - He's nobody, baby.

Nobody.

I'm kind of worried about your dad.

Yeah, me too. I mean,

it's really starting to hit me now about

- how he's gonna be-- - All alone, once we go?

For 20 years, just me and him,

and now he's gonna be eating dinner all alone

for the rest of his life.

Wait!

What if we find someone for him?

Like a girlfriend, situationship, whatever.

This weekend there's lots of fresh meat

- here from Bar Harbor. - Oh, come on, Elaine,

- you can't say that. - I'm a girl,

I can literally say whatever I want.

But fine, yes, there are lots of intelligent,

independent young women here from Bar Harbor.

You really think?

What?

Oh! It is fun.

So that's it, huh? She's not worth fighting for?

What would you like me to do? Challenge him to a duel?

No.

Just tell her how you feel while you still have the chance.

Hello. Are you here for your haddock?

Oh, uh, um...

It's, uh, salt pork or salt pork today, I'm afraid.

Well, then pass, and pass.

Oh, come on, Martin, you gotta get in the spirit of things.

- Are you really lecturing me? - Oh, oh!

- Oh! - ♪ Rule, Britannia

- ♪ Britannia, rule the waves - If you change your mind.

Oh, hey, Doc, Doc, Doc.

Could you write me a refill for my migraine medication?

I almost didn't make the battle today because of my headache.

The trigger for migraines is loud noises.

Maybe being on a battlefield

and in a loud restaurant isn't the best idea.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't be yelling at me!

Scoundrel!

Imbecile! Moron!

Oh, no, no! Oh! Ah!

- Ned, are you all right? - Are you okay?

I think you're taking this war thing

a bit too seriously, Franklin!

What are you doing? Let me go!

I didn't wanna cuff you, but, like--

I demand my freedom!

Sorry, Franklin, you're still acting aggro.

This isn't like you.

Seems to me like someone had one too many beers.

- I was talking to him! - Let Franklin speak.

- What made you lunge at Ned? - I don't know.

I just looked at him, and suddenly, I wanted

to punch his stupid face.

Yep. Sounds like a pub brawl to me.

Now, Franklin, how much did you have to drink?

- I had one of Sarah's beers. - One beer wouldn't cause this.

Uh, what's going on with your hands?

What's this?

Oh, you're the second one with tremors today.

Common effect of alcohol withdrawal.

- These men are not alcoholics. - I am not an alcoholic!

Aunt Sarah's beers are home-brewed.

Okay, now, it's a long shot,

but they can become severely toxic if not brewed right,

which can lead to aggressive behavior and tremors.

Yeah, you go, Doc!

Well, I need to check with Aunt Sarah.

Or these men just drink too much.

Franklin, I will figure this out.

You need to go home and rest.

We'll take you home on the way to Sarah's, okay?

Mark.

Ooh!

So!

Things seem to be going really well

with our tall, charming British doctor with the great hair.

- Hmm. I guess. - What do you mean, you guess?

Well, it's going so well that--

I took him out looking for houses.

- He's looking for a house here. - What?

Oh. Uh-huh.

You don't know how hard that was for me to keep secret.

- This whole week. - What?

We went looking for houses.

You know the cottage on Maidstone?

- Oh, that one's adorable. - We looked at that.

And the haunted one by the docks.

- Ew. - Oh, I put a stop to that.

Okay, wait, wait. He wants to buy a house, here?

- Yes! - Yes!

- Yay! - You're so cute,

and he's so cute!

Bert! Hello! Imagine running into you here.

I just saw you ten minutes ago.

Right. Okay. So listen, Bert.

Nancy, Nancy, Bert!

Do you know what is so funny,

is you guys weirdly have so much in common.

You both live in houses.

Oh, yes, you both eat at the Salty Breeze.

You're both a part of the Battle of Port Wenn.

Oh. I'm playing a Redcoat this year.

- Are you one of the widows? - Well, yes, I am.

And you know what's crazy is that Nancy is actually a widow

in real life as well,

which means she is without male companionship at this time.

- I'm so sorry to hear that. - Oh, thank you.

But it's easier the second time.

It is easier the second time. The second time?

Well, my second husband, Edgar,

he also passed away.

Oh, how did he--

He died in a freak boat accident.

And Lionel, my first, fell off a mountain.

And technically, I don't count my third husband

- anymore at all. - Your third husband?

Well, there was no cause of death.

His body was never found.

I mean, that's such a terrible string of bad luck.

No. No, no, you're not interested.

No, sorry. Bye. Bye, black widow.

Bye. That's-- Nope. Nope.

Hey, Nancy, don't ever talk to my dad again, okay?

Okay.

Aunt Sarah, why is there a horse out there?

How else would one get from place to place, pray tell?

- He's a stitch counter. - I heard.

- Ned, you can't take that beer. - I must.

We need, including you, Sergeant Major Mylow, beer

to wash down the hardtack as we camp overnight in the field,

preparing for the morrow when we reclaim Port Wenn.

Reclaim we must, Sergeant Major.

But we are worried that the beer might be bad.

Excuse me?

Beer is the lifeblood of battle,

because there be no clean drinking water.

'Tis the water of the streams that be bad.

I can't with this guy.

Look, first you had a tremor, and then Franklin got

strangely aggressive with you, and he also had a tremor.

Homemade beer can cause that if it's a bad batch.

I have never made a bad batch of beer

in me life.

Don't you start with the mes, Aunt Sarah.

Fine, go ahead. Just test them. Test them all.

Oh, hey, Ned, buddy, you don't look so good.

What's he got, Doc?

Tachycardia. His heart's racing.

Did you just have some of her beer?

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa. - Oh, Mark!

Your EKG shows cardiac toxicity, possibly from bad alcohol,

which can be dangerous if not treated.

- What was the pill I just took? - Diltiazem.

Slows down the heart rate immediately.

Now, between the tremors and the tachycardia,

you need to go to Bar Harbor for more tests.

Well, I'm, uh, feeling me old self again.

Uh, thanks, Doctor. And ready for tonight's camping.

Ned, no camping.

Oh, Doctor, I shall not sit meself in an ER,

whatever a thing that might be, and miss my favorite part.

Oh, you mean the part where you don't listen

to your doctor and get sicker?

Fare thee well.

I cannot keep my horse waiting.

Ned!

- Don't drink and ride! - Hey, Doc.

This doc's checking out my banged elbow.

- Ah, you were busy, so. - Clyde, in my office.

- Your job is to observe, yes? - He needed help, and I was here.

No. I'm here.

Right. Well, I was just right here.

I'm their doctor, and you're the monitor.

Are we clear?

- Just going to take his head. - That's when they should--

- Cut it off. - Okay.

What's going on?

Are you two trying to set me up or something like that?

- No. That-- - What? No.

- We? Of course not. That's-- no. - What are you talking about?

Yes, Dad, yes, we just want you to be happy.

And we don't want you to be alone after we leave.

I am happy. And I'm fine.

You almost cried on the battlefield today.

It's just a bit of nostalgia, that's all.

Look, I don't need my kid fixing me up.

It's embarrassing.

Okay, you know what, Bert? We get it. We do.

We-- we won't do any more setups or meddling.

- Hmm? - We promise.

Okay, then.

- I have another idea. - What?

Hey.

How's Ned? Is he okay?

Going camping despite doctor's orders,

but yes, he seems all right.

I'll be there to keep an eye on him, Doc.

I'm Sergeant Major.

And I'm the doctor no one listens to.

Where's the other one?

Probably at the Salty Breeze with Louisa.

I'm good, though.

- Was it my beer? - I don't know yet.

Well, so many people drank it, everybody would be sick.

Yeah, she's got a point there, Doc.

Like, I do wish them the best, though.

Everyone reacts differently.

I sent the sample to the lab, but it takes a week.

Well, I've been making my beer the same way for 20 years.

Spruce needles, water. What?

You definitely got your needles from a spruce, not a yew?

- A me? - A yew.

A you who?

A yew who. A me yew. A you yew.

A yew tree looks like a spruce,

but it's toxic, and it can cause severe illness.

Well, I think it's a spruce. I mean, I'm assu--

Well, it's-- there's a couple of trees back there.

- Like where? - In my backyard.

Why don't we go take a look, just to be safe?

Me, you, and you. Go look for a yew.

Okay.

Hey.

Give me a sandwich and a beer.

And Al told me there was free apple pie tonight.

Thanks.

Oh. Hey, pal, what's up?

So I guess you know why I'm here.

- What? No, I-- - We're being set up.

You and me.

Set up? You and me?

Set up, set up?

What?

Did Al and Elaine do this?

They thought you were lonely.

And I'm lonely too.

Al and Elaine said

you might want a new fishing buddy.

Oh. Fishing.

Because I thought they were...

You thought they were setting us up?

No, I mean...

I don't know.

I've never been with a man.

Well, neither have I.

You know, whatever, but I don't care.

I guess I was kind of in love with Brian Boitano.

The ice skater.

On TV.

But only on TV.

Well, he was a hell of a skater.

What a day.

A war, no more salt pork, that dress.

What else could a military man ask for?

Long and lasting peace?

- Dress is way better. - Well, okay...

Listen, there's something I've been...

meaning to talk to you about.

Just something I've been looking into.

George and Greg told me

that you're looking into buying a home here.

It was so hard to pretend I didn't know. Sorry.

They told you?

You really can't trust either of them.

- No. - Are you mad?

No.

Small town life. No boundaries or privacy.

- I love it. - I do too, yay.

And I know it's been fast, but I just...

- I love it here. - I love that you love it here.

And you.

No. I love it here too.

No. I...

I love you, too.

Oh...

Really?

This is the best dinner ever.

They call it French onion, but you know that the cheese...

Look, stop it.

You two said you were gonna stop.

I don't need a girlfriend. I don't need a friend friend.

- I'm fine. - I'm sorry.

It's just the thought of you all alone,

making your own meals in that sad bathrobe.

Wait, who said my bathrobe was sad?

It's not-- Just, the point is,

we don't want you to be sad.

I can handle sad. I've been sad.

But you two, you need to start thinking about yourselves now.

You're about to leave Port Wenn,

the only home you've ever known,

the loving village that raised you.

You must be having some feelings.

No.

I think that we're feeling

totally fine, right?

Al?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not having feelings. Are you having feelings?

No. No. We can't wait to get out of here.

And, sure, everyone here knows us

and loves us, and it's, um...

It's so predictable.

It's the same thing day in, day out,

but in New York, we have no idea what could happen to us.

Like, at all. Which is...

which is... amazing.

- So amazing. That's amazing. - We're really excited.

We're really excited. We're not gonna miss it here.

- At all. - Mm-mm.

Amazing.

Mmm. I never looked for this tree in the dark.

Is this it?

Night vision does decline

in the later years.

So does patience. Shut your trap.

I have to confess,

I don't like giving Parker

the cold shoulder, but, like,

how long has he known her?

A few weeks?

What do we even know about him, anyway?

It stings, you know?

You might understand what I'm talking about, Martin,

- since you kissed Louisa once-- - No, I don't understand.

I'm happy for her, and I wish them the best.

Whoa. Wish I could be more like you, Doc.

You mean more of a liar?

She's with someone else now, right?

I think it's time for us, you,

to accept it and move on.

- Great advice from a great man. - This is the tree.

Sharp, stiff needles that roll between the fingers.

Yes, it's a spruce.

- Can I go home? - And go camping now.

Well, back to square one.

Maybe Ned and Franklin's symptoms are unrelated.

Hey, Ned. Hey. Yeah, I'm on my way.

Yeah, I'll bring blankets. Yeah, I'll be there soon.

Must be chilly at the campground.

Some of them got frostbite.

- Wait, frostbite? - Yeah.

It's not nearly cold enough for that.

Call Ned back on his ye old-timey smartphone.

Hey, dude.

Hey, Doc wants to see the frostbite.

Aim your camera at it.

Hey, Doc, there's something weird

going on with our fingers.

It's scurvy, isn't it? Or gangrene?

It is nasty!

Do your fingers hurt?

Yeah, but it's fine. It's just a little tingly.

It's sort of numb.

Can we get back into the woods now?

- No. - But we have to.

I'm about to skin a squirrel and eat it.

Aye, soldier, squirrel meat is the best meat on the earth.

- Stop, stop. - Ned, you're so annoying.

What do they got, Doc, other than weird-looking hands?

It's too warm for frostbite.

It's not an infection, 'cause no one has a fever.

Appears to be toxin exposure.

You all need to go to Bar Harbor to get checked out.

What? No, no, no, no, we can't.

I have to be there to die.

- We'll go after. - Okay, fine.

Let all your fingers fall off in battle.

- What do I care? - Great.

Mm-hmm.

Wait.

What is that smell?

Well, we haven't bathed in a couple days.

As was done back in the day.

- Ned, seriously. - Enough, please.

It's once every two years. You can't give me a break--

That's disgusting and unsanitary,

but that's not what I smell.

Are these costumes stored in mothballs?

Yes. I make sure they stay in perfect condition.

Mothballs have naphthalene,

which could cause every symptom I've seen.

Now, if you don't want to go to Bar Harbor,

you should take these clothes off as soon as possible.

What are you... Not here! When you get home.

Okay.

And all of you, please take a shower.

To wash off the toxins?

No, because you stink.

- You right, then? - Hmm?

You just-- Oh.

Any thoughts on the four campers with white fingers?

Yes, they need a more sanitary hobby.

See? It's predictable.

Someone comes in and the doc is cranky,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, also, Doc, we need to hire my replacement,

because for what you're paying, it's gonna be

very hard to find someone as good as me.

Is it, though?

Or do I just throw a dime in the air and see who it hits?

Oh, shocker, barb from the doc. Snore.

Honestly, Parker, I don't know

why you would even want to buy a house here.

- What? - Wow.

Word does travel fast around here.

Well, it's true.

I've fallen in love with the place.

Oh, yeah.

- Good for you. - Thank you.

- Very good for you. - Thank you.

That's great news.

I'm on a mothball mission.

Doc's on a mission. What's gonna happen?

I don't care.

Happy to come with if you need any help.

- He's gonna say no. - No!

I dislocated my pinky with the blacksmith tools

I had to set up.

- Where did Doc go? - Good grief.

Let me have a look at it.

Right. Yes, I think I can probably help with that.

Come with me.

Now, which tool were you using, and where did you use it?

Hear ye, hear ye! The battle is nigh!

All Port Wennians are called to the battlefield

to seal our destiny

by reclaiming our land!

Mark.

No one crosses this line 'til Doc says it's safe.

Let us soldiers have our uniforms!

Let the Doc be the Doc.

What if he says we can't use them?

Port Wenn battle weekend isn't about costumes, y'all.

It's about spirit.

And costumes.

Five mothballs aren't enough to get anyone sick.

It's not the costumes.

Okay. Everyone may now get bedecked.

Hey, Parker.

Mark. I'm gonna need a couple of hats.

Hey. Just want you to know that even though I love Louisa

and she broke my heart, today is today.

Not yesterday. Or the day before yesterday.

Or the day before that yesterday.

I think I got the timeline...

If you're the guy for her,

then I fare thee well and stuff.

- Thanks, Mark. - All right.

All right, all right, all right.

- All right, cheers. - Yeah, cheers, mate.

- Yeah. - Hey, Doc.

Thanks for fixing my hand. I'm ready to shoe the cavalry.

What-- what do you mean, fixing your hand?

Oh, you just left and it seemed like an emergency, so...

Stop stealing my patients.

Steal your...

Don't be ridiculous.

What do you think?

No, no, no. No, this is-- this is my hat.

Did you-- did you--

Oh. Perfect.

Here we go.

Our last Port Wenn battle.

Yeah, can you imagine anyone in New York doing this ever?

- No. So corny. - Hi.

Wait, Doc, what are you still doing here?

You hate this whole thing,

and you don't want to be a part of it.

I think I do want to be a part of it.

Did someone hit you on the head with an anvil?

- Why? - The Battle of Port Wenn calls.

- You have to wear a costume. - I am aware.

Wow. Wouldn't have predicted this.

I'll go get it.

Ten minutes

'til we go to the field.

Ten minutes.

I don't get a hat?

You're complaining because you want a hat

in the fake Revolutionary War?

Mm-hmm.

Who are you?

Forgot my box thingy.

You're doing this?

I am the town doctor.

Known for sneering at every one of its events.

- Are you after my job? - Excuse me?

Is that why you're giving me a good review?

To get me out of Port Wenn?

Would that be so bad?

All you do is complain

about this place and the people in it.

You think you know me and what I want?

I have a strong suspicion, yes.

But instead, you can go back to Boston and be a surgeon,

especially now that that pesky phobia of yours is clearing up.

Do you really think I'm gonna let you take everything I have?

- Including Louisa? - Louisa? What? No!

I hate to tell you, mate, but she's not yours,

however much you wish it so.

You need to back off.

And you need to tread carefully.

My giving you a bad review...

would be much worse, wouldn't it?

What?

Well, think about it.

You'd have your license suspended,

and you'd be unable to practice medicine.

- Anywhere. - Are you threatening me?

- Just laying out your options. - Mm.

You know why I didn't remember you

when you were a student of mine?

- Hmm? - Mm-mm?

Because you were unmemorable.

Mediocre.

Best you can hope for is a weak imitation of me.

Left, right, left, right, left.

Left! Left!

Martin? You're-- you're participating?

- Mm-hmm. - But--

That's a-- that's amazing. Come.

Parker's not the man you think he is.

What?

He's not this,

"Oh, shucks, I have 12 sisters" nice guy.

He's after my job, and apparently my whole life.

What do you mean, your whole life?

He threatened me.

He's trying to run me out of town, Louisa.

What are you doing, Martin? What is this?

- Are you jealous? - No, I--

Because I need someone who isn't scared

and-- and whose heart is open and available.

Yeah, but you need to see what's underneath.

How do you know what I need?

Okay, look, I'm just trying to protect--

Trying to what? Trying to ruin everything?

No.

You should be with someone with integrity.

- And he is not-- - Stop it, stop it.

I don't want to hear it, and I don't believe you.

What are you doing out here with the migraines, Susan?

It went away. No thanks to you.

- Did you take more meds? - I didn't take anything.

- Really? It just went away? - Yeah. It was a first.

You been eating a lot of that?

Geneva's bread? Yeah. I love it.

How much bread have you eaten in the last day?

The hardtack is good, so, um, plenty.

Shoulder your firelock!

Charge your bayonets!

Stop. How much bread have you eaten in the last day?

I didn't love the pork, so a lot.

How much bread have you eaten in the last day?

What he said.

Left face!

May I have a word?

What did you just say to Martin? Did you just threaten him?

What? Why would I do that?

I-- I don't know. What did you say?

Uh, it was nothing.

I would like an answer.

It doesn't matter.

It does. He's a friend.

Well, your friend is arrogant,

pompous, and rude.

Did you threaten him?

I made him a very generous offer.

I write him a good review,

he gets to go back to Boston, we both win.

I'm sorry, win?

Yes. He leaves, and I get to have a job

and a life here with you.

Isn't that what we want?

Ooh! Ah!

What the...

Are you all right?

I'm the doctor of Port Wenn, the real doctor. Now, move!

And you don't get to tell me what to do, so you move.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- You move! - Can one of you help me here?

You are completely mad. I'm trying to help.

Help? By forcing me to leave?

Yes. And by saving your license.

Doc. What's going on?

If I don't make it, tell your mother I love her.

Just be quiet.

Do not talk to Dumb Dumb that way.

Yeah, only I can talk to him like that.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Stop it, don't! Why are you being insane?

Parker, Parker, wait, stop!

You have especially lost your mind.

You really want this lunatic in Port Wenn?

Why don't you just pipe down?

That was awesome.

I never liked him.

- Is everybody okay? - Yeah.

The bread. Oh.

The bread?

Oh, hey! Doc, what are you doing?

May I cut you a slice, Martin?

That's Ergot.

- Ew. - Er-- what?

Uh, it's a parasitic fungus found in grain.

The people who ate these loaves have ergot poisoning.

My bread has parasites?

No, but your flour did,

but there was no way for you to know, Geneva.

Excuse me.

Everyone, listen up.

This bread could give you ergot poisoning.

It explains all the problems everyone's been having,

including Phillip's ankle drop.

All of that from my bread?

Yes, but, Geneva, also in small doses,

- it's therapeutic for migraines. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and it's the basis for migraine medications.

Just ask Susan.

The funky bread cured my migraine?

Mm-hmm. Tell her.

I, uh, I apologize, Port Wenn.

Aw.

It was the bread.

Anyone who has symptoms, come to my office,

I'll give you nitroglycerin.

Phillip, we also need to get you to my office.

Let's go. Easy. Easy.

Every other year,

Battle of Port Wenn, Part Two begins!

Come on!

Everyone's getting it today.

Oh.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

You are so talented, Marky Mylow!

The Battle of Port Wenn Part Two ends

as Port Wenn vanquishes the British invaders!

Martin! Martin!

- Martin! - Louisa, Louisa, get her.

Yeah, I'll be right here.

Martin.

Thank you for saving everyone.

And you were right about Parker. I'm...

I'm-- I'm so-- I'm sorry.

I just want what's best for you, Louisa.

Whoever you choose. It just can't be him. Okay?

Because he's not good enough for you.

- Whoever I choose. - Mm-hmm.

Just tell me, Martin. Just tell me.

What do you want?

You want to know what I want?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Give fire!

That's surprising.

I'm really gonna miss this place.