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♪ Only money on your mind ♪

♪ What a way to spend a life ♪

♪ Green-colored glasses in front of your eyes ♪

♪ Not worth a dime ♪

♪ You're a walking cliché ♪

♪ With your $100 bouquet ♪

♪ Are those roses for me ♪

♪ Or the grave of humanity ♪

♪ Such a pussy ♪

♪ Planning for the future ♪

♪ 401K Man You're not okay, man ♪

♪ All about money ♪

♪ You're sick in the head ♪

Whoo!

Dude! Yo!

Okay, for starters, your crash sounded fire tonight.

Can you guys believe that in two days

we're going to be in Barcelona?

Like, yo, dude!

You okay?

Do you remember that TV star

we saw on open mic night, Madison Fay?

She has a massive IG following,

and she could really help boost ticket sales.

What?

We've unanimously voted to cut you.

All two of you.

Have-- Have unanimously voted?

So you can go on tour with the chick from Dating Naked?

Do you even hear yourself?

She actually does a really good cover of Carly Rae Jepsen.

You're telling me this two days before we're supposed to leave?

I already sublet my fucking apartment, dude!

Nome, we've been trying to tell you.

You're constantly going for shock value

and frankly, it compromises the art.

Well, frankly, you both are about to be a paradigm

of artistic integrity on tour with a girl who shows her tits

on reality television.

I had a lot of firsts here. Oh!

A lot of firsts.

Wow. Okay.

Hey, look at that cutie!

Shabbat Shalom, honey!

Newly divorced dad energy, right here. Sorry.

You are gonna have so much fun this summer.

It's gonna look so good for your college applications.

So is everyone here

gonna be like Jewish-Jewish?

I don't know, Jonah, it's a Jewish summer camp,

so chances are.

Oh, God.

You know, they better not make me wear

one of those weird black box things.

It's called a tefillin, and I doubt it.

Do you have any idea what a great networking opportunity this is?

Oh, you're gonna meet a kid.

I want you to be super nice to him.

His name is Evan Gold.

His mom--

-Debbie. -Debbie Gold.

-Mm-hmm, yes. -Yes!

Head of the Yale admissions committee.

Yeah. Yeah, Dad, I know, okay? I know.

Please don't bring your Yale rejection issues into this.

Hey, I was not rejected from Yale.

I was on the waitlist.

I'm serious, kid,

don't screw this up, it's your future.

Five bucks to stop.

What's up with all the chauffeurs?

Camp Barak, our rival camp.

We've had beef with those trust fund turds for decades.

Oh! Jewish leadership camp.

♪ I thought you came here to dance ♪

♪ But it seems you had other plans ♪

♪ What's there to talk about ♪

- I'm out. - What happened?

I told them they were not allowed to exchange underwear.

And?

Oh! You know what, we're gonna fix this.

Uh, I'm gonna send you to Rabbi Rachel.

She's amazing with the gum extraction--

Honestly, Mara, the shining twins are too much.

♪ You either got it or you don't ♪

♪ I just can't take another interruption ♪

♪ I know you probably have good intentions ♪

♪ You either got it or you don't ♪

Hey, can I call you back?

I'm in the middle of an FDOC emergency.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,

of course, it's the first day of camp.

-Are you crying? -What? No!

I know when you're crying, you make this weird noise

like a congested weasel. What's going on?

I'm supposed to be at the airport about to go on tour,

but my, my whole band kicked me out.

That's awful.

But amazing.

What?

I mean, I'm, I'm so sorry to hear that.

I know you worked so hard for that,

but the timing couldn't be more perfect.

I just had a team member quit.

I'm desperate. You're desperate.

Oh, my God, you gotta come to Camp Daveed for the summer.

Mara, no! Did you not hear a single word I just said?

What are you gonna do? Stay at home all summer, smoking joints

and staring at the ceiling,

when you could be here,

exercising your incredible creativity?

Oh, the kids are gonna love you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Remember what the counselor said when you didn't wanna do ropes course?

Don't be a Nomi.

Be a yes-me. Exactly.

♪ Just get outta here ♪

♪ Say you're gonna try and make it work ♪

♪ Or just get outta here ♪

♪ Yeah, get on outta here, work or just get outta here ♪

♪ Say you won't give up You make it work ♪

♪ Or just get outta here ♪

♪ Yeah, get outta here ♪

♪ Work or just get outta here ♪

You know, since 1946,

kids have been coming here from every part of the country.

Most consider it their second home.

Look around. What do you see?

A bunch of old Jew names?

Correct. Bunch of old Jew names.

Some of these old Jew names have been here for 80 years.

You know how they got up here?

The Holocaust.

What? No.

When you leave a place you love,

usually, you take a piece of it with you, right?

But here at Camp Daveed,

you leave a part of yourself behind.

- Manny for Mara. - Yep, go for Mara.

Septic tank is overflowing.

Yes, I know. I called the plumber.

-The one with the-- -Yes,

we're gonna get him a t-shirt.

-It's gonna be fine. -Okay, new seminar idea!

Torah without God.

-Wow. -Or actually,

all the ways that Torah has excluded or offended you.

I love it. Yeah, um, I love it.

I-I just don't know if we'll be able to publish that in the bulletin.

Mara, we have to start talking about the hard stuff.

Guns, gender, race, politics, Israel.

I agree, I just, every time a kid changes their gender,

or politics, or hair color,

I have to deal with a two-hour phone call.

- Plumber's here. - Oh, good.

He says it's better to replace the whole thing.

- What? How much? - 150K.

150.

How much to fix and not fully replace?

Uh, 30K.

Okay, we need a second opinion.

That was the second opinion.

Do we have 30 grand?

Have you seen this place?

Oh hey, Mara. Is Camp Da-weeb game this year?

Or are you a bunch of...?

Camp Barak wants to revive our old Maccabiah rivalry.

Ugh, Camp Barak.

-Ugh. -Bunch of bros.

Real bummer for the name Barak.

Ooh.

Thanks.

Wetspot just locked himself in the trunk of a car.

Who did? Who?

What you doing?

This is a limited edition Planeswalker.

Shut the trunk, walk away, and she's yours.

Ashiok, Sculptor of Fears, huh?

Hm. What about that one?

You, you, you don't, you don't want that one.

Oh yeah. Huh.

- Good doing business. - Wait!

-Wait, wait, wait, hold on. -Never date a drummer.

But if you do, make sure he is a Swedish prog drummer

with a penchant for a Magic card collection.

That way, if your van breaks down,

you're in the middle of Napoli,

sell the Oko, Thief of Crowns card to get home.

'Cause fun fact, hell, the puppy's worth about 4K on eBay.

- Win, okay? - Ready to come out?

Well played. My summer's ruined.

Join the club, kid.

Good luck.

All right, no iPads, iPhones,

or other emoji-making devices beyond this point.

Hey, hey, combat boots.

Nobody gets by without a lice check.

You're Nomi, right?

I hear you're a musician.

Sort of.

I'm actually working on some binaural beats

for the campers. You know,

some, uh, gamma waves to keep 'em focused.

Some beta waves to irk them in case we need a little space.

That's giving real, uh, beta vibes.

Yes, girl, block him.

It's the only way to get over it. Trust me.

-What are you, nine? -Ten, actually.

I'm on my third breakup, it's rough.

One word. Unfollow.

Yeah, I think, um, I think I got it. Thank you.

♪ She misunderstands ♪

She's here.

-Oh! -She's really here.

Oh!

- Hi, buddy. - Hi.

Oh, I feel so bad for that kid.

Her friend specifically asked not to be in her cabin.

Oh, I wonder, maybe she has trust issues,

because her friends lured her to camp

- under false pretenses. - Mara, Mara, Mara.

-Ooh! -Mara, Mara, Mara.

-Mara, Mara, Mara. -I gotta go.

Your cabin is marked,

and if you wanna work on those trust issues

at our new ropes course, I-I suggest that.

Oh, I'll never go to a ropes course, but that's obvious.

- Mm. Okay. - Love you.

Bye. Love you.

♪ One ♪

♪ May I shine forever ♪

♪ May I learn to love ♪

♪ Don't let me be lonely ♪

♪ Take some time tonight ♪

♪ I know that you can show me ♪

♪ The difference I'm alive ♪

What are you looking at?

I'm looking for Bereshit.

Why would a bear, why would a bear sheet on the moon?

Bereshit!

If you paid attention in Hebrew class,

you'd know that it means in the beginning.

It was Israel's lunar rocket, remember?

I mean, it was no bigger than a laundry machine,

but it had a time capsule in it

with, like, children's drawings,

memoirs from Holocaust survivors, an Israeli flag.

I was so amped to recreate it with the kids.

So curious to see what they'd wanna send to the moon.

But then, it crashed.

I just wanted to give them a happy story about our people.

-You know? -It's called Beresheet?

You know what, I'm feeling like I do kinda remember

what you're talking about.

The Google X competition, bullshit Orwellian prizes.

You are such a Nomi.

The floaters are gonna love you.

Who are the floaters?

You know, the kids that didn't sign up for any activities.

They don't wanna follow the rules. Your people.

I follow the rules.

Do you remember the last Maccabiah Games?

Do what you're good at, okay?

Be creative with them.

And I left a stack of Fiddler plays

at the Beit Am, just in case.

Oh! Great.

Just keep 'em out of trouble, okay,

and everyone goes home happy.

You got it, boss.

Follow the rules. Don't be a Nomi.

I mean, this game is really mentally challenging.

-Like, I can't really-- -I live through this game.

- You live through this game? - -When I play this game

-I take a bird's eye view, I-- -Are you kidding me?

-I sacrifice-- -Are you kidding me right now?

Oh, my God. Do you?

Anyways, do you have a Heart Harness?

It doesn't matter. You can't hurt me in the stream.

What?

Like, I know if you play that,

you're setting everything up just so you could,

like, gang up on me immediately, so instead--

No, that's not it. That's not it at all.

Well, okay.

Just in case you were going to say that.

Draw two cards.

Draw two cards?

When did you play that card?

Where did you get that card?

Could he not?

Like, could he actually just like be normal?

Snitch.

Okay, I'm gonna start coughing.

Oh, they're still teaching this trash fire

of shtetl cliches. Kill me.

You should give a trigger warning before you talk about death.

Yeah, maybe at least introduce yourself

before unloading all of that energy onto people.

Oh, thank you for that teachable moment.

-We don't feel good. -Can we go, ma'am?

You both don't feel good?

- No. - Mm-mmm.

Suddenly, just now, like, both of you at the exact same time?

Whoa. Okay.

Well, everybody, uh, excuse me for a second,

I'll be right back.

I'll walk these two gals to the infirmary. Come on, guys.

No, we're good. You don't need to.

Just only 'cause I went to this camp, right,

and so, this crazy thing would happen

when I would walk back from the nurse's office,

I would get lost every time, it's wild.

-I think we feel better. -We're good. Feel better.

We're good.

Ooh, great. What happens now?

Usually Becca starts with a Meisner repetition exercise.

Usually, Becca starts us with a Meisner repetition exercise.

Just repeating?

We could try a spitball contest. Winner hocks the furthest loogie.

Ooh, or cloud watching.

You in the back. How did you escape the phone police?

-You were dealt damage. -Oh, that's Tal.

Don't bother with that one.

They can't hear you.

They've got an exception.

It's an emotional support phone for their anxiety.

And um, who are you?

I'm One-Nut.

Those are the Dahlias, Wetspot, Tums.

Lindsey, who the whole camp hates,

because she basically narced on a counselor last year.

And I don't know who that weirdo is.

Seems like we're the ones who weren't Jewish-y

or leader-y enough.

Speak for yourself.

And why are you here, One-Nut?

Because you East Coast libs are exclusionary hypocrites.

He bragged all last summer

about being, like, an expert marksman,

and then missed every archery shot at Maccabiah.

And lost it for the whole team.

Okay, for the 100th time, I am a sharp shooter of firearms.

That is not the same thing.

- Hick -Commie.

- Fascist. - Bite me, snitch.

Okay, let, why don't we cool it with a name-calling?

She is, though.

All right, the reasons we're here don't matter.

When we walk through this door,

we are gonna attempt

to make some version of art.

And art is about shifting identities, right?

Art is about breaking social constructs.

Um, what if we?

No, not what if, like, we are going to,

'cause I'm the T, I'm T, I'm the authority figure.

So, I-I've thought of this before now,

and it's gonna be a challenge where you each pick a play.

Yep? Adapt the play.

So you'll just use the text

and sort of transform it into your own original idea.

Every idea is derivative.

And also it wouldn't be original if it was an adaptation.

-Where did you study? -Sorry?

She means, like, do you have a theater degree?

Like, did you study at Juilliard?

I'm a musician...

mostly.

You know, and I tend bar.

You got a band?

I had a band.

And, um, we are actually supposed to be on tour in Europe right now, so.

And now, you're just stuck with us in this kumbaya shit hole?

Brutal.

Yeah, well. Why don't we...

wrap this up as soon as humanly possible

and get back to our normal lives?

Adaptation ideas due tomorrow.

Best one gets put up on his feet.

That doesn't exactly represent

the collaborative spirit of Camp Daveed.

Right, well, we are gonna do things

a little differently this summer,

where we focus on you each discovering

your own voice.

'Cause I promise you, it's all you got.

Is that class?

So she's condescending and she locks kids in trunks.

Bye.

Well, I mean, I was,

I locked myself in the trunk.

Then she like, ugh, whatever.

It is what it is. You gotta let me do it, anyway.

Ah! Oh!

So, you're the camp plumber now?

Well, your dad would be proud.

Well, it can't be any worse than that shit box

that broke down on us on our way to Dave Matthews.

Tell anyone I like Dave Matthews, and I kill you.

- Oh! - Mar!

-Turn it! -Oh, my God!

Mar, turn, I, no!

Oh, my God. Mara!

Mara, it's getting in all over our faces.

- Okay. - Turn it!

-Okay, stop. Stop, stop! -Turn it!

Oh!

Well, well, well.

Isn't this a familiar sight?

Gosh, I think the last time that I saw you two together,

you were pigs in mud eating shit

in a Maccabiah three-legged.

What's this asshole doing here?

Oh, Nomi, did that music career not work out for you?

You know, I meant to buy one of your records.

Did you? Did you never put one out?

You're boring, dude.

Daniel, I told you, no Maccabiah. Get outta here.

And I came to tell you that I'm sweetening the deal.

15K to the winning camp,

my donor's throwing in to spice up the old camp rivalry.

30K, and you have a deal.

What are, what are you talking about, Mar?

Oh, double? Wow, that's bold.

Boy, Mara, you've really come into your own, haven't you?

You're no longer a scrawny brown-noser in a training bra?

Oh, funny, 'cause you're still

a scrawny brown-noser in a training bra, Dan.

This is a sweat-wicking athletic undergarment.

Mark Wahlberg wears them.

Yeah, okay. Bye, Daniel. We'll see you at Maccabiah.

Yeah, okay, well, normally, I'd shake on it,

but, uh, your hands are disgusting.

Oh, you sure you don't wanna quick?

Yeah, 'cause I can still kick your, ass, Dan!

- No. - Yeah, why don't you stay back there?

Should fight with your mind, Nomi.

I'll have my donor send the agreement, okay?

Yeah, everyone knows the donor is your dad, Daniel.

"I'm gonna get my daddy to sign the agreement."

- I sign my own paperwork. - "My daddy signs them."

-Yeah, bye. -Just go!

What are you doing, Mar?

The septic system is more important than my pride.

Okay, no offense, Camp Daveed doesn't exactly

have star athletes, and Barak always kills it,

so, yeah, I don't see this going especially well.

We're gonna make it up in other ways. Okay?

You are gonna turn those floaters

into star thespians, I know it.

♪ In my pocket High class with the cashews ♪

♪ Rap truth for me I'm gonna get mine ♪

♪ Water plants in the backyard If I get time ♪

♪ Bodega bars TV watching jets fly ♪

♪ Brush my teeth, Zoom call with lawyers ♪

♪ Get a bagel out in Bed-Stuy ♪

♪ Everything egg with a cheese ♪

♪ Check my phone ♪

♪ Got not one text from a freak ♪

Fuck me!

♪ Everybody got a problem ♪

Kiss the kippah, it dropped on the floor.

♪ Just an average day with the ups and downs ♪

♪ But guess what ♪ ♪ What ♪

-♪ I'm up right now ♪ -I'm here for kitchen duty.

-Hello? -♪ Ups and downs ♪

Ah.

Yeah, dinner in seven hours.

I'm sure you know your way around an immersion circulator,

which we don't have, 'cause you, my friend,

have something better.

♪ Groundhog Day Dillz Murray with the flow ♪

-♪ Hit the accountant ♪ -Sorry, I, is this for cooking?

Sous vide. Aren't you my new sous chef?

♪ Just me charging my phone ♪

Every summer, I ask for a figure skater,

and they give me a squirrel on roller skates.

Milchig on the left, fleishig on the right.

Milchig dishwasher is down, so we are doubling up.

Never red and blue in the same load.

Never run it without scrubbing the filter

and sanitizing at 180 degrees in between.

Speaking of which. Hey, are you Jewish?

How am I supposed to know if you're Jewish, huh?

You gonna show me your dick? Or are you gonna wear a kippah?

Don't show me your dick.

♪ Someone recognize me from the game ♪

♪ Is it fame ♪

Ooh, yeah, now, you look like you belong in my kitchen.

A kitchen responsible for 40 gallons

of New York's finest hand-churned ice cream.

Oh, it's moist. Oh, it's thick. Are we still talking about ice cream?

Competition starts in an hour. Mashgiach will be here any second.

The who?

Kosher cop. You're on dairy spoons. Go find Yoni. Yoni!

♪ Goddamn, man I'm just waking up ♪

♪ Time to wake up Meditate... ♪

♪ 'Cause I get it in a flash with the money in my pocket ♪

Who the fuck are you?

I'm looking for Yoni?

Ah. Come with me.

Pens are 20, carts are 30.

Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

Stan sent me to get spoons for some contest thing?

Dairy spoons are in the kitchen.

Hey, who's that for?

Why do you care?

What are you? You a fuckin' rat?

Ratty Boy.

Whoa, come on, come on, come on. Not the duct tape!

I'm Evan. Is this ape harassing you?

Jonah. He spit in the ice cream.

No, really?

I don't see any spit in here. You see any?

I saw him do it.

There's some more in the kitchen.

Mm.

Oh, I see it now.

Dude, it's chill.

It's for the mashgiach. Payback from last year.

This dude made us scrub every single dish in this place

over some stupid shit.

He's an asshole,

but he loves strawberry ice cream.

And he's gonna eat all those tubs?

Oh, we're gonna tell the hot girls not to eat the strawberry.

Only cucks and Magic card kids eat strawberry, anyway.

Where you from, Jonah?

-Jersey. -Oh, okay, yeah.

'Cause you remind me a little of this frum kid who wet the bed.

You a bed wetter, Jonah?

You a bed wetter?

Finally Yoni, right here,

and the CIT, they get so disgusted by this kid,

they tie him up in his underwear

and hang him feet first from the meat hooks in there.

All the girls in camp saw his junk.

Oh, you hate to see it.

Look, I won't tell anyone, all right?

Just don't serve it to kids.

Bro, like,

how could we be sure, though?

Your turn.

-No. -Hock one, bitch!

Or it's duct tape and meat hooks.

Hmm?

Fine. Fine!

There you go.

Oh hey, Lindsey, come over and join us.

Lindsey. Lindsey, come here.

Hey, dude, don't worry about her.

She's not gonna tell anybody.

Nobody'd listen to her if she did, anyway.

Where is my ice cream parade?

And must I pray this lamb salt itself?

Go get the spoons, noob.

It's teamwork. Love to see it.

Hey, hey!

Hey.

That's the mashgiach.

Tried to shut down my kitchen last year.

Something about cross-breeding grapes being traif.

He's a shakedown artist.

Wait a second. She's the rabbi?

Hello, hello!

With Sodom's neighbor's boundary issues

fresh in our minds from this morning's prayers,

let us now expand our understanding of boundaries

from the personal to the geopolitical and edible.

Let the Israel ice cream cartography contest begin!

Whoo!

-Yeah! -Whoo!

-Whoo! -Whoo! Yeah!

Ah, Jerusalem under an international trusteeship.

-Let me guess. -The UN partition plan map.

What's this?

The Hasmonean dynasty?

No, look at the sprinkles.

It's a divided kingdom. 6th century BC.

Look at these fudge partitions. Very creative.

Wait. Wait, does it?

Is it possible that this

resolves the conflict?

- Hey! - What do you need?

Uh, I just wanted to make sure these were the spoons

-you wanted out, right? -♪ Six foot on the right wing ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing and pretending ♪

♪ Forget lovers are a piece of cake ♪

♪ Yourself included You can't ♪

And the winner is--

Traif! Traif!

Traif! Traif!

He put the fleishig spoons

in the milchig!

Spoon, spoon, spoon.

Okay, everyone!

Ugh, you can't put meat spoons in dairy.

Spoon. Spoon, spoon, spoon!

Okay, so that was a...

Feel like that was an overreaction.

-What do you think? -That was slight. Just.

That fucking guy.

This is gonna cost a fortune.

Every single item in this kitchen needs to be cleaned.

And I mean real clean this time, Yoni, with real soap!

Scrubbed and blessed!

Water's at 212.

Now it's time for the tongs, boys.

Hey! Hey, that won't cut it.

What's this for?

What do you want?

Just wanted to say thanks.

For?

For stealing my crown as the most hated person at camp.

You're welcome. Congrats.

How long do you have to bury these for?

Oh, you know, just, uh, forever.

Can't believe people still do this medieval crap.

It's, it's so fucking stupid.

It's not stupid. It's respectful.

The Orthodox kids wouldn't be able

to come to camp if it wasn't kosher.

Mara tries to make this place for everyone.

Yeah, and uh, how's that working out for you?

Look, I'm sorry that you messed up

your initiation into Yoni's gang of douche bros,

but maybe if you paid attention to our medieval traditions,

you would've known which spoons to grab.

What are you talking about?

That's why you did it, right?

Why you spit into the ice cream?

To impress the kitchen mafia?

Rabbi Rachel will be leading

a text study on feminist sexual ethics in the field.

And at noon, debate:

Did Jewish summer camp really brainwash Seth Rogan?

And in breaking news,

instead of our annual intra-camp Maccabiah,

for the first time in 19 years,

Camp Daveed will battle it out with Camp Barak!

Rock your ruach!

♪ They say I'm nobody ♪

♪ But I'm nobody else's nobody ♪

♪ Nobody, you can take ♪

You see that? You see that?

Right now I'm gonna attack,

and you lost two points, right now.

So now it's 17-19 and I am winning.

We are no longer tied.

How do you feel now?

Good morning. Uh, as you probably heard,

Camp Daveed is participating in the Maccabiah Games

against Camp Barak.

And shocker, everyone in this room

has been assigned to the skit competition.

So, look around and say hello to your Maccabiah teammates.

Hello. Hello.

None of us signed up for Maccabiah.

So typical, force all the kids

who don't sign up for anything onto a stage.

Okay, for what it's worth, I don't disagree,

but you guys, it doesn't have to suck.

At least we're not doing Fiddler

for the 4,000th summer in a row.

And besides, the Barak Bros are gonna bring nothing

but vanilla garbage, we could beat them!

So I was thinking,

maybe we workshop one of your adaptations.

Anyone?

No?

And does anybody wanna share what they worked on?

Okay, I realize I just gave you guys this assignment,

so, you don't have to be shy,

it's totally cool if it's half-baked.

Um, I, uh, actually, I adapted Wicked .

Uh, and in my version Elphaba and Glinda are 16,

but they're like super different.

But they do everything together, until the Tin Man

and everyone in Munchkinland ruins everything.

And everyone's skin will be painted green,

except for Elphaba's.

And everyone will treat Elphaba like a leper because of it.

And it's also because all the little Munchkins,

the green Munchkins in Munchkinland,

they're all brainwashed.

I don't know.

Munchkinland sounds kinda like

when you got Zach fired last summer.

Okay. I heard you had Zach

pour vodka in your water bottle,

then puked matzo balls all over the soccer field.

Yeah, we heard you were tripping on edibles

and then kicked a vodka bottle like a soccer ball.

Do you guys have, like, nothing better to talk about?

Okay, great. Thank you all so much for that.

Lindsey, that was, that was actually pretty ambitious.

Anyone else? Does anybody else wanna share anything?

Did literally anyone else do the assignment?

Wait.

- I think, I think Jonah did. - No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. It's in your bag. I see--

What are you doing? Hey!

It's right here. It's this.

Okay, um.

You, you, you definitely did something.

The board of Sodom and Gomorrah University

ranked students righteous

versus wicked perversity.

But Lot said, "Don't get wicked twisted,

angels danced topless before those rules existed."

Oh, "And had righteous butt sex."

Oh, my God.

Wha-- I'm sorry, that is so inappropriate.

And that was not even the assignment. That's not even a play.

You adapted the horniest Torah portion?

Yeah, I-I mean, isn't Sodom and Gomorrah about gay sex?

Okay, so you were going for a Little Dicky vibe.

Uh, where are you ladies going?

Hm?

You need to, um, write down your preferred role for the show before you leave.

Mm-mmm.

Yeah.

Rehearsals start tomorrow.

Hey!

Nomi, hey!

Hi. They, uh, they don't wanna do my play.

Why not?

No taste, I guess.

Come on, it was a joke.

I know, it was a very funny joke.

Well, we can't actually do it.

- Why not? - Are you serious?

Uh, we'd all get kicked outta camp.

Do you like what you wrote?

I don't know. I-I think it's funny.

Well then who cares what anyone else thinks? Production meeting after lunch.

Way to dig yourself into another hole, Spoony.

Uh, what is it?

Oh!

Aw, you did not unfollow, huh?

They're staying in the hotel in Prague

that I booked for us, I'm the one who booked it.

Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but this is on you. You're fighting gravity.

She's not even an artist. She's not an artist.

She just collabs on Instagram with fuckin' edible nail polish brands, okay?

Okay.

So, there is, uh, this old Polish rabbi,

Simcha Bunim, he's got a famous saying:

"In every coat, there should be two pockets.

And in one pocket should be a piece of paper

that reads.

'The world was created for me.'

And then in the second pocket,

there should be another piece of paper,

and on that is written...

'I am but dust and ashes.'"

You'll be fine.

Good morning, Camp Daveed!

And here!

Good, good, round, good!

As you train for the Maccabiah Games,

let's see the champions that you are.

Taste the sweat, relish the bruises, pain is gain.

Don't forget, we're in the trenches together.

Teamwork is the dream work.

The honor of the camp rests on your shoulders.

Oh, and for the kids working on the skit, break a leg.

You of Sodom, rejection letters sweep kids off the planet.

They cease to exist.

To the worst place of all, the effing wait list.

Professors flush applications and essays,

celebrate at faculty schlong raves, which can last for days.

And have righteous butt sex.

This is so stupid.

I actually kinda like it.

Okay. Why is that?

Well, on the surface, it's trash.

But whether he realizes it or not,

it's actually kinda smart.

Like, there's this subtext

which recontextualizes the power structures

baked into sex, religion,

and elite academia.

It's like a joke, but serious,

in that it removes the homophobia

inherent in the modern translation

and reverts the text back to its original intent.

What original intent?

That the real sin of Sodom,

and why it was destroyed by God,

was inhospitality, not butt sex.

Hm!

Lindsey, any thoughts?

Yeah, um, I think it's dumb.

Tums?

I mean, uh, yeah, it is dumb,

but, I mean, I-I kinda like it.

One-Nut?

Uh, yeah, I mean,

I could help build a set or something,

but it goes against my cultural beliefs.

I think.

What? What the...?

-Get him! -Get him!

- Ah! - Get him!

What the hell?

Get down, get down!

Shabbat Shalom, everyone.

Camp Barak has been up since 3 a.m.

training on the ropes course.

That's hours of preparation in the dark.

What is Camp Daveed doing to prepare?

Such a loser, Dan!

-Bring it on! -Not very impressive.

Didn't have to be this way.

Shabbat Shalom.

Bye, douche bag!

I've worked way too hard for this to be happening. I mean,

when I got here, they couldn't even afford tennis rackets.

I dug them out of the 2008 recession, okay?

I renegotiated almost every vendor contract.

You know, I've been getting grants, donations,

donations from rich people.

They don't even know what Shabbat is.

-Yeah. -Ooh!

Now here, six years later, six years of strategy,

and here we are, in the red.

I got two words for you friend.

Battling Bella, okay?

This is a woman, this is a woman

who worked the system so the system could work for her.

Right, do you remember? Remember that one board member

who said that the camp was abandoning traditional values

by bringing you on as camp director?

Mr. Friedberg. He was like 83.

A female camp director in his time? No.

No, it was never happening.

Okay, and you, you made them change the name

of that really racist game that he loved.

Oh, the Apache Relay!

Remember the kid that was farting so much

that you literally rigged Bingo

so he could win his own cabin?

You're a genius, dude.

Okay.

I know that I told you to float with the floaters,

but I need your help.

Okay, I need you to make sure that these kids put on a play worth $30,000.

So, uh, what are you doing, Fiddler ?

You know that the board director's wife,

she loves Fiddler .

Yeah.

Is it biblical?

-Kinda? -Well, what do you mean kind of?

Is it in the fucking Bible or not?

It is. It is, it is in the Bible.

Okay, um, I'm gonna need to know that you have this under control,

because we need this money, all right?

And we need a happy board, and to get a happy board,

we need like, middle of the road,

safe "Hava Nagila" bullshit. Do you understand?

I mean, I was...

kinda thought I was inspiring these kids

to find their own voice.

Oh, my God, okay, Nomi, stay with me.

They're not gonna have any place to find their voice if we don't get this money.

Do I need to put Manny on this?

Okay, those kids are never gonna work with Manny!

Trust me.

Can I?

You know I love you, but can I trust you with this?

Can I trust you?

Can you dig deep?

Right, I mean, we have an opportunity to prove

to every single person at this camp that we're real artists.

But Jonah's play

isn't poetic truth.

He just wrote it for shock value.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, um, art doesn't have to be palatable to be good.

Okay? Art is about subverting expectations.

Art is, art is supposed to be shocking.

He gave us shocking. It was supposed to be shocking.

But I don't know.

If you guys would rather spend the rest of your week

regurgitating some bullshit

that dead guys wrote a long time ago,

then you are more than welcome to go ahead

and do that with Manny.

But if you are here and you wanna make some fucking art,

then let's get to work.

That's somebody else's line. Should I just go on to the, to my next line?

- Yeah, yeah! - Yeah. Okay, okay.

- Why are you wearing that? - -Or if it's someone else's line,

you could just shout it to them

and they tell them to say it.

Um, okay, so then,

so then Wetspot's gonna say something

about butt sex, and then I'm just like,

then I'm just like, "Oh, no, do not fear the desert for

the desert has many wonderful beings that live there,

such as the snake that will eat all of us

and we will all die.

They said you must not pass the altar unless you have de-schlonged.

You are not an un-schlonged unless you are de-schlonged."

Yes. I like the voice you're doing.

Thank you. I don't know what it is.

- Is it like-- - No, I like it.

Is it offensive? It might be vaguely offensive.

Oh, I-I, that's, that's a young people question.

I don't think so, um, but I don't recognize it,

but I like, I like what it sounds like.

-Hey-- -I mean, the whole play

-is offensive. -Is it, though?

But the whole point is like removing the stigma around,

you know, like sexuality and all of that, right?

And what are the Dahlias doing?

You guys just draping yourselves in those dirty sheets?

"The state schools are comprised of three districts

that are yet to be named by--"

Uh, Jonah, you need to, you need to actually finish

what the names are.

You need to come up with something a little bit creative.

Um, I can't just say, "Yet to be named," that's stupid.

Okay, keep going, keep going. Page two.

"And the admissions committee said unto them,

'Bring us your underachievers,

the ones who sleep in class and drool,

so we may banish them to state schools.'"

And then he said, "The de-schlonging process

took 15 million days to complete,

plus a tedious 15.72 seconds."

I feel like I'm the only one taking this seriously right now.

Like, why is nobody else reading their lines?

-Shit! -What's going on?

I'm, I'm taking this seriously.

Mm-hmm, are you composing?

Okay, should be recording.

Are you gonna paint this all white?

'Cause that's really ugly. I'm not gonna bother.

Okay, what other color bricks do you want?

You paint.

There's, well, you know, if I were to do it my way.

I mean, I'm not the one who's wearing a welding mask

while I'm working on cardboard.

Take a lot and look, put down the paintbrush.

Come on, give me the paint.

You guys, do not obstruct the set.

Oh, come on.

Come on, let's put it on.

Okay!

- Oh fuck. - Being an actor is so hard.

Yeah? Have you acted before?

- No. - Never?

- No-- - You've never acted.

-I can't do this. -Here, can you drape this?

Watch this.

So I think that we-- we use this.

Right, you guys--

What are-- Jonah, what are you-- what are you?

This is my amorphous blob.

-Can I have some orange, please? -Seriously, you asked me this?

-Well, yes. -You got it. You got it.

-It's right-- Just... -Oh, my God.

Here.

Are we getting close?

But I think if we make it wider,

then we could actually just put it right in your nose.

Then we--

What are you all doing?

Nothing.

Amen.

And now, rikkud!

Evening, spoony spoon.

I didn't know that they, uh,

let the fifth graders out after dark.

It's nice you're able to, uh, sneak out.

Nice, good one. Try not to choke on your vape.

So, uh, how come you're not dancing?

I'm just taking a break.

Mm. Yeah, same.

You know, I don't get it,

everyone here treats you like shit,

and yet, for some reason, you're still trying

to convince me it's some sort of Jewtopia.

Well yeah, I've been coming here since I was nine.

I care about this place.

Look, you don't wanna be Jewish, that's fine, sure.

But, uh, maybe you should try work shopping an identity

that isn't centered around shitting on other people.

You might get more girls that way.

Get outta my way. Okay.

Wait, wait, just hear me out.

So, One-Nut says, we have to make a toilet cake,

Mister Beast style!

-Okay. -For the professors to squat in for the play, right?

Yeah, but then Wetspot said, you'd get an automatic "L,"

because our, our salami schlongs would dip into the cake.

-And it wouldn't be kosher! -It wouldn't be kosher!

You said it so sensually, man.

It was fucking throwing me off.

You should do, like, ASMR podcasts.

I was just saying it how you said it, you said--

Oh, my God, this is my favorite song.

Go, go. Oh yeah!

-Oh, come dance! -No, no.

- Oh, my God. - We gotta dance!

I didn't think you were shy, given the butt sex play.

Butt sex?

Hey, Nomes, how are you doing?

Don't Nomes me.

Okay, um, look, crazy thing happened.

Madison's agent got her booked again on the newest season

of the Dating Naked show.

This season, they get paired with a naked therapist.

So, basically, um,

we really would like to have you back.

That's fuckin' stupid.

That is. I deserve that. I deserve that, point blank.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

And um--

You know, wildlife scientists say talking on hikes

is so disruptive to native animal species

that it's actually been affecting some bird calls.

Hm, then stop talking.

We're close.

Guys, I cannot wait for lunch.

Hey, can you die from malaria?

Yeah, you can die from anything.

No, I know, but like, is it actually,

like, should I be concerned?

I mean, I didn't put on bug spray.

"The father crowed to his son.

'I had a lot of firsts here.

Now, let me be clear.

Keep your eye on the ball. No phone calls.

Don't look back to the blitz,

or you'll get swept up in the abyss.'

But the son said, 'F this,'

and when he found out he didn't make the dean's list,

he spritzed the halls with piss."

"And the bitter father said to his son,

'Though you're nothing but dust in ashes,

you know where the cash is.

Do not waste this incredible networking opportunity.'"

Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't get this.

What's that supposed to mean?

I-I don't know. I just wrote it.

But like, how does that relate to anything? I feel like no one will get it.

So?

So, but it doesn't make any sense.

And the college admission thing?

Who cares?

Well, maybe we should change it.

No, no. I'm, I'm not changing it.

Well, I'm not saying it.

Well, uh, great, don't say it.

Um, just stand there on stage, like an idiot.

You're the one who started this.

Then just say the line, or don't say anything.

I, it doesn't fuckin' matter.

None of this, none of this matters.

Whoa, spoon boy is triggered.

Can you hold this?

No.

You okay?

This place is a waste of time.

Okay, well,

if we're stuck here, then what?

You just get on stage tomorrow night

and just give everybody just a big fat middle finger?

Yeah, I mean, I might.

Really, that's all you,

that's just all you have to say to the world?

Just a big, just F you!

I don't believe you.

That means a lot, you know,

coming from a 40-year-old lady in an emo band.

We Googled you on Tal's phone.

Thanks for calling me a lady.

Wait, wait, wait, look.

Why do you care

if we do this stupid ass joke of a play?

Because behind all your bullshit,

call me crazy, but I actually think

you have something real to say.

Oh, my God. Be careful.

Something real? Like uh, getting on stage

and dousing myself in condom paint?

Yeah, 'cause that's just profound.

I'm throwing that down, I'm pissed,

you know, I feel like he's showing off.

- No, no, no, no. - Hey man, throw a rock.

-Wow. -Good job.

-Throw a fuckin' rock. -Yeah, I can throw a rock.

-I'm so proud. Great. -Yeah, yeah,

that's not, that's not so good.

That's not so special.

Ooh!

♪ Boom Chicka-rocka ♪

♪ Chicka-rocka chicka boom ♪

♪ Trust my skills or a bear ♪

♪ Will come and eat all you fools ♪

♪ By the end of the night ♪

♪ D1 and One-Nut will spoon ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Boom chicka-rocka chicka-rocka chicka boom ♪

♪ And I said Tums will solve a Rubik's cube ♪

♪ By the end of this tune ♪

♪ And Wetspot, he saved us from toxic mushrooms ♪

♪ I said uh, boom chicka-rocka chicka-rocka chicka boom ♪

♪ They all want the dolly shirt ♪

♪ In their dream it looms ♪

♪ The only action they get ♪

♪ Is playing Magic in their room ♪

♪ That's true ♪ ♪ True ♪

♪ Boom chicka-rocka chicka-rocka chicka boom ♪

♪ In 10 years, these guys will be wild raccoons ♪

♪ They'll be card sharks in Vegas ♪

♪ Banging chicks until noon ♪

-Yo! -Yes!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

That was awesome.

Oh! Yeah!

Nomi? Why don't you give us something?

Give what?

- What are we-- - Oh, come on.

Coming through. Coming through.

- Let's hear it. - What do I got?

- Let's hear it. - Hello, old friend.

I don't know. Okay, um.

♪ Out here in the woods ♪

♪ Just floating with the floaters ♪

♪ Hiking all day doesn't leave the best odors ♪

You know what?

♪ I forgot to bring a first aid kit ♪

♪ Guess I'm not cut out for all this counselor shit ♪

♪ I'm trying ♪

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, I'm trying, I'm trying.

Hold on.

If you spill my hot cocoa, I'm gonna have Yoni

dangle you from meat hooks like that kid Lucas.

Okay, well, it, it, it wasn't Lucas.

What?

Who was it?

It was him.

Is that for real?

Oh, Miles, that's awful.

Wetspot. Call me Wetspot.

Come on, just tell them.

-He has a deal with Yoni. -Shut up! Tums.

What kinda deal?

Turns out they go to the same prep school and check it,

Miles is the man, and Yoni, whose real name is John,

is a fuckin' loser, you know?

And Miles is like class president and shit.

- No way. - Yeah.

Oh and Yoni, Mr. Kitchen Mafia,

who all the girls love?

Back home they all call him Redo

'cause he has to retake so many tests.

They what, they call him Redo?

Come on, guys, it's not funny.

He has no friends. No one sits with him at lunch.

He even quit soccer.

So that's why he's got everyone calling you Wetspot?

He said if I told everyone here

what his name is back at home,

then he'd tell everyone back at home

what my name is here.

So what, t his is like your penance?

Yes, it's like my penance for pissing myself.

I have a nervous bladder, just to make it clear.

I made a deal and that's all.

Besides, seems like there's weird shit

between you and Abby ever since you got Zach fired.

Leave it, Miles.

Stop defending that snake who doesn't have your back, Lindsey.

Okay, uh,

so last year, uh, Abby had this huge crush

on the counselor Zach.

He was so hot.

Everyone was obsessed with, yeah.

Uh, so she came up with this plan

to, like, fake getting injured at a soccer game

just to get his attention.

So the plan was that I would fake trip her.

So like he would carry her off the field

and into his bed or whatever.

But I, like, decided not to do it last minute,

because it's stupid and dangerous.

And so she tripped herself,

and she, like, busted her knee open,

and he wasn't even there.

He was off peeing in the woods.

Being a good friend, I, like, ran off to the sidelines

to go get, like, his backpack,

which had his first aid kit in it.

But it didn't, it had like all this illicit shit.

It had, it had like a bottle of vodka,

and like tons of edibles and everybody on the field saw it.

And so he got fired the same day.

Everyone, like, thought I did it on purpose

to narc on Zach, so that's why everyone hates me.

Abby planned some dumb doctor role play,

and when it doesn't work it's your fault?

Oh, dude, that's fucked up.

I'm really sorry, Lindsey.

That just sucks, the whole thing.

Well, for what it's worth, when I went to camp here,

everyone called me Left Nip,

because my boob came out once

during a not even funny TLC skit.

Yeah, teenagers can be brutal,

but I promise it gets easier, it does.

Does it?

You know, my, my camp best friend,

she iced me out for a full 10 days,

'cause I ruined her childhood blanket

giving Joel Ruben a handj-- massage.

What happened to her?

She's still my best friend.

She hired me this summer, actually.

Wait, wait, Mara?

But you guys are like nothing alike.

I know, it's ridiculous. We are polar opposites,

but I feel like it's kinda why the friendship works so well.

Have you thought about maybe just talking at Abby?

You know, it's a myth vodka cleans wounds.

It actually prevents coagulation.

Not relevant, Wetspot.

Well, excuse the fuck out of me.

I thought this was a safe space.

I mean, pour out my heart to everyone here.

Like, I should be allowed to speak

about whatever I want at this point, right?

Like, did you know that some cats are allergic to people?

-Yeah. -Ooh,

this fire is looking low, folks.

Who's gonna get more kindling?

-Not it! -Not it!

I'll go.

What's up, hitter?

Evan?

Uh, wha-what are you doing here?

Floaters got you their maid, bro?

Sucks.

Oh no, this is...

You should dish those dribs,

and join us at the Kitchen Mafia.

Just tell us about that top secret play of yours.

You're a fuckin' asshole, Evan.

Wrong answer.

Listen, I don't, I don't know what's going on down there,

but trust me, you don't want poison oak on it.

Damn, you kids are so obsessed with other people's genitalia.

Oh, come on, Tal, trust me, you, you don't want a part of this.

Don't I?

I mean, my boy takes krav maga.

With Rabbi Rachel? Me, too.

Oh, you think you're tough, huh?

Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, I surrender, I surrender.

I surrender.

Get yourself up.

Hey, wait up!

Come on!

It's my ball.

Venus is the brightest.

Oh, really? I, there's not many stars where I'm from.

My parents almost named me after it.

What, your parents almost named you Venus?

That, that's brutal.

I think they did do a favor.

Um, no, they almost named me Esther,

based on Ishtar,

goddess of morning star Venus,

ruler of all things, love and sex.

In that case, maybe you could have pulled it off.

Esther.

Queen Esther.

The Tanakh's original Cinderella.

A, a poor virgin forced into a royal beauty contest,

and she was also a secret Jew

until she had to stop the king

from killing all her people.

Love, sex, and death.

Just as effed up as any Disney fairytale.

Yeah!

I mean, you do love a good martyr.

Meaning what?

Nothing.

No, just, well, Wicked

and your Abby story, sorta.

What, a-a-as in the literal thing that happened to me?

No, I didn't, I didn't mean to,

I-I guess I just don't understand

why you wouldn't tell everyone what really happened.

You know, you're trying to be brave. Why?

Maybe you like being a martyr, I don't know, like.

And maybe you like being a complete dick face, Jonah.

What did he do now?

He's just like the most insensitive

and self-righteous, like, douche brat I've ever met.

What?

You actually saw him spit in the ice cream?

Yes.

To serve to the mashgiach?

This is his first year. Why would he?

Because he's an asshole. I don't know.

No, yes, I agree.

But if he wanted everyone to eat loogie ice cream,

why would he race to tell Stan

that he brought out the wrong spoons?

Got it.

You got it?

Self-hating Jews.

You hate to see it.

"To gain favor, the board members crawled up each other's butt holes

until the sun had risen over the land."

As president of the board, my mother needs to know

what's being said about her, you know, her anus.

Yes, of course.

Yeah.

Thank you for bringing this to me.

I'll handle it and I will make sure to speak

to your mother when she gets here for Maccabiah.

Thank you. Great.

It's a disgrace.

-It's, it's disgusting. -Yeah.

What the hell?

- What the hell? - You promised me!

I know it's edgy, but you gotta, you gotta see it up on its feet, Mar.

On its feet? You mean on its righteous butt hole?

Are you trying to get me fired? What were you thinking?

No, I just wanna help these kids find their voices.

Right? I thought that's what you wanted.

Oh, you're gonna put this on me?

There are some really profound ideas

going on in here, Mar.

You just gotta get past all the, you know,

you just-- there is some stuff that,

if you could just get right past all--

Get pa-pa-passed the part. You can't even say it.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever read.

Well, in my defense, your idea of highbrow

is the How I Met Your Mother remake.

Oh, my God, I just asked you to channel these kids' apathy into something productive.

-You think this is productive? -I do! I do!

Just come to a rehearsal. Come to one rehearsal.

You'll see that Tal is making some beautiful music.

And Wetspot-- I mean Miles,

he's really embodying the role.

Yeah, the, the role of um, Adjunct Professor Buttplug?

You're putting the future of this camp at risk.

All those donors coming today?

Oh, yeah, your precious asshole donors.

Dealing with assholes is part of my job. Okay?

If I don't have their money, I don't have a camp.

But you wouldn't understand anything like that.

That's why you're still...

struggling.

Oof, um...

Have you ever had my back, Mar?

-What? -Like ever?

Didn't even occur to you to take the Left Nip plaque down from the Beit Am?

What are you talking about?

Uh, like, from when we were kids? The TLC skit?

I mean, let it go!

You're telling me

not everyone still refers to me as Left Nip?

Nobody talks about you at all.

Okay, and if you wanna talk about what you did to Daniel,

that was completely unacceptable.

You're constantly pushing the boundaries just to get attention.

Attention? I was protecting you!

I was defending you. But no, typical politician Mara,

always letting assholes get away with shit.

Well, maybe if you had a backbone, Mar,

your camp wouldn't be falling apart.

Or maybe you'd even be able to afford a septic tank.

It was a mistake bringing you here.

Yeah. Yeah, um.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go before I ruin your camp more.

Matt? I'm in, I'm on the next plane to Riga.

Come on, Nomi! Nomi!

-You can't leave. -What are we supposed to do?

-I don't know. -Is that all you have to say?

Just a big F you?

Good luck.

Sorry.

So we have course corrected

and I-I guarantee you are in for a real treat, Ms. Gold.

We'll see. You gave me quite a scare this morning.

I couldn't finish my smoothie.

I mean, can you imagine if poor Lily was subjected to what they wrote?

Kid might start an OnlyFans.

Actually, Evan,

OnlyFans is about women taking back their power.

Hey, Deb, good to see you.

You know, I tried to link you on my LinkedIn

and it kept making me re-request,

or something like that? Jo-Jonah!

Jonah here is putting in his Yale application in soon,

so I was thinking, maybe next time you're in, uh, NYC,

we could get a little tennis date in the books

called a, a rematch of that old Gaga score we never settled.

Pretty sure we settled that score a long time ago, Knuckles.

May I cut in, Eli?

Oh, I'm sorry, Danny DeVito has something to say.

The old desperado making his paces.

-Hi, Mara. -Daniel.

Deb. Hey, let's talk after, okay?

I have something you're really gonna wanna hear.

-What's up, little man? -What's up?

Excuse me. Donor call.

-Hi, Dad. -Little man?

Fiddler , the very first Broadway show I ever saw,

with my mom and dad sitting in the theater,

looking at Zero Mostel.

The great Zero Mostel.

Do you know who Zero Mostel is?

Oy vey. Fiddler is about Jewish life.

The meaningful, the, the soul,

the, the feel it in your kishkas, about family,

about depending upon each other.

So we're just gonna read this from the page?

With gusto. You know,

it's all about the delivery. Example.

♪ Yabba dibby dibby dum ♪

♪ All day long ♪

♪ I dibby dibby dum ♪

You know? I mean, you gotta shimmy.

-Gimme a little shimmy. -I shouldn't believe I'm saying it,

but this is more embarrassing than Jonah's butt sex play.

Mm-hmm. I completely agree with you.

Just.

I do, I do.

And you know, it's funny that you should mention that,

because it was actually this day, decades ago,

that kids at home marveled at Neil Armstrong

taking that first step on the moon.

You know, speaking of the moon landing.

Google just announced their latest--

Three home sickers I picked up here last year.

Cried like babies.

This year, zero.

Well...

now, one.

What is Nomi doing here?

- Nomi? -Hi. Hi. Okay. Okay, hear me out.

Hear me out, I know that I took it too far and I'm gonna make it right.

-This is not the time. -No! All right.

Do you remember when we were younger

and your dad used to lecture us about firgun,

and about how one day we would actually derive joy

from other people's successes?

Because I just like...

I-I just, I didn't get it. I didn't get it.

We used to keep him up all night.

He would've said any boring sermon to get us to shut up.

I just, I think that I,

I've just felt like my,

the goal of my entire life has been differentiating myself.

And I guess just being back,

I'm maybe realizing that that's about other stuff, too.

Can I just get one more shot?

They say we can't perform our play.

It's against the rules.

The rules? Okay.

Do you guys remember how I told you

that art's all about subverting expectation?

Well, that is precisely what we're about to do.

Who's ready to finish what we started?

I'm in.

So what do we do?

Well, we're taking our schlongs to the moon.

♪ Casio and the speakers ♪

♪ Honeycomb and my sneakers toasty ♪

♪ We're going back to the heart ♪

♪ Back to the heart, no way ♪

♪ She comes, she goes ♪

♪ Walking in the rain without a raincoat ♪

♪ Ride the wave ♪

♪ Ride the wave ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm lo-fi, too slow ♪

-♪ I'm slipping through ♪ -Start wrapping.

♪ The city like a slide show ♪

-♪ Ride the wave ♪ -Here you go.

What's this?

-Uh, revised lines. -♪ Ride the wave ♪

-Hmm? -♪ We're gonna be okay ♪

- Oh! - Here you go.

One-Nut, what do you think?

- Will these be enough? - Huh?

Will these be enough?

Ah, we need, we need, uh, more.

It needs bigger. Bigger spoons, bigger.

Guys, we are running out of time.

-Okay. -It's like a jellyfish thing.

-Big. -You want a bigger spoon

-or you want more? -More big spoon.

More big is not a thing. It's more big spoons.

-Are you on something? -I need spoons.

Guys, we're missing way too many supplies.

This isn't gonna work.

Hey, guys.

We're on it.

♪ It's gonna be okay ♪

- Grab it! - Okay, go!

Can you help?

-I got it. -All right. All right.

That's my guy. I love him.

What do you want?

Just a moment of your time, please.

Black Lotus Beta.

Black Lotus Beta? Yeah?

Derp. Dumb asses.

Nobody wants your stupid fucking game cards.

You want a cart? Cash only.

No, not carts. We just need to borrow some stuff from the kitchen.

Fuck outta here.

Yoni, I know you know how much this is worth.

Take the bribe. We've got places to be, man. Come on.

Like now. Now, thank you, okay.

-Easiest money you've ever made. See you later. -Yeah.

All right, folks, Camp Barak's in the lead

for winning just about everything.

But this just in:

Camp Daveed just won Gaga,

plus scored 50 extra ruach points,

bringing us to this nail-biting tie.

The skit competition will start any minute now.

It all comes down to this.

♪ We're gonna be okay ♪

And now, the Maccabiah finale you've all been waiting for,

graciously judged for us by our independent panel

of mashgiach and hadassah ladies all the way from Hoboken.

Needing no introduction, we would like to invite

Camp Barak to the stage for the first performance.

Give it up.

They look really prepared.

Yeah, they do.

♪ Once I found a golden boy ♪

♪ Joseph was strong and pure of heart ♪

♪ He had no friends but his golden heart ♪

I can't believe you dug up those zombie spoons.

Well, some traditions are worth breaking.

I know what you did.

Broadway level talent

Hello?

Just like to take a few moments to highlight some of the incredible programs

that Camp Barak has established this quarter.

We have begun a pilot pen pal program

pairing each Barak camper with a CEO,

with a lady CEO.

Women on top, you know what I'm saying?

Um, also, um,

we have finally reached our series B funding

for our compostable kippot subscription program.

It's a box that comes every month. I think you'll enjoy it.

And now we'd like to invite, needing no introduction,

-Camp Daveed! -Okay!

Let's go, you guys!

This just in: It appears aliens have landed

and are using the moon as a base to launch an invasion of Earth.

Have you analyzed the planet?

We have completed the analysis.

It is very lovely.

Has a lot of nice sea creatures, but is being destroyed

by a parasitic infection called humanity.

Ugh!

We've reviewed their extracurricular activities

and found them lacking

compared to their peers on other planets.

And there is little evidence of community service.

Oh no, that's awful.

Test scores have shown these humans are violent,

greedy, fear-based little things, that are easily manipulated.

Plus they seem obsessed with sex and stupid competitions.

The worst part is they don't see themselves as part of the whole.

Instead they exploit and devour each other over resources.

-Sounds awful. -It is!

Thus, the galactic committee recommends the human species

be deemed a parasitic infection and eradicated!

It is settled.

Prepare to fire the pesticide ray.

Wait, what is that?

Something is approaching.

Is it an attack?

It appears to be some sort of probe.

What's that inside?

Some colored cloth. Some old books.

Weird drawings by children.

What's this?

Probably some sort of weapon.

Shall we proceed, boss?

Yes. But wait.

These drawings of kittens are cute.

Let us meet one of these degenerate humans.

Mm.

Hey, whoa, you guys here for Maccabiah?

-It's Jonah. -We are here

to pass final judgment on your species, human!

And you have flunked every test.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

What is that you are wearing?

-Oh, this? -Yes.

Well, this is called a Teflon.

My people sometimes wear them while praying.

The wrappings help me contemplate connection to my community.

This was not in our analysis.

He is an anomaly.

The rest have violent natures and must be destroyed.

Wait, destroyed? Whoa, whoa, hold on!

Listen, we got our issues, you're not wrong,

but if you destroy us, what does that make you?

Besides, I know some real mensches down there.

- Hmm? - What is a mensch?

Nonsense! I say we cleanse the planet of humans

and give the octopus a chance.

Yes. I like octopus quite a bit.

Yeah. He's got a weapon!

Whoa. It's not a weapon.

It's not a weapon, it's a camera, mostly.

We humans sometimes use them to document important moments.

Do you have a lot of these important moments?

I mean, mostly just when our cats do something cute, or we eat really good pasta.

Get on with the cleansing.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, hold on!

Listen, I-I used to think that my fellow humans weren't worth saving, too.

But then I met a few who took pity on me.

Made me feel part of something.

Look, all right, I'll make you a deal.

I-if there are 10 examples of good humans on this camera,

then you will know that not all humans are parasites

and thus cannot destroy us.

-Agreed. -Agreed.

This proves nothing.

Just a few examples of people goofing off.

Fire the human pesticide ray!

Wait, there's more!

-Everyone's word surf, get back to work! -Go!

Campers.

We have an important message.

We are queer.

And Asian.

And Jewish.

It's not just a phase, Mom! I told you!

-Oh! -Okay, one more.

One more. Here we go.

This summer in a word?

Um, debauchery. Devious.

I don't know. Um, growth.

Ishtar.

I mean, it's meant a lot to me.

One-Nut's pretty cool.

You're pretty cool, Tal, I like you.

I kinda hate talking about it,

but I don't know,

maybe if it's with you guys, these guys,

I wouldn't mind coming back another year.

Now, do you see?

It appears humanity is not a lost cause.

They may live.

Now let us travel the heavens having as much sex

with our giant alien schlongs as possible.

We can do a bulk donation very easily for your tax purposes.

I tell you not to fight gravity, you go to the moon?

It's just camp.

All right, folks. It has been a day of highs and lows,

but it is close.

And now, thanks to our esteemed panel of judges,

the winner

of the skit

and the Maccabiah Camp!

Barak!

Thanks, buddy. See you in a bit!

Nerds!

So in retrospect,

maybe I shouldn't have used the traif spoons.

Doesn't matter. I've never seen those kids so comfortable in their own skin.

Only you could bring people together with sausage.

You know, it's funny, it's kinda like, uh,

I don't know, my seminar ideas are pretty tame, comparatively.

Yeah, all right, I'm coming around.

Great. I have another one.

Um, holy sci-fi, right?

Uh, the Torah as fan fiction.

Mm, I just don't know why I can't get hummus like this at Zahav.

'Cause Zahav uses cumin,

and I use fenugreek. Fucking fenugreek!

I taste it.

Ms. Gold?

Mara!

I must confess that was single-handedly

the most alarming theatrical production

I have ever witnessed.

Yeah, well, I mean, I guess if you could look at it like--

Whatever you're gonna say, save it.

I loved it.

I thought those abstract costumes

were reminiscent of a Julie Taymor production.

Oh!

The phallic spacey things.

The-- The tinfoil schwanzes.

You know, it really deconstructed gender norms

and power dynamics. Am I right?

Yes. Yes, totally, you are right.

Yeah, that's exactly what we were trying to do.

You know what?

Instead of my annual donation to AF-AF,

Actors Fighting Acne Foundation,

I'm giving it all to Camp Daveed.

In fact, I'm doubling it.

I want to support the avant-garde,

cutting-edge work that you're doing here.

Thank you. We will...

We will really appreciate this.

Think fast!

-Oh! -Oh!

♪ Something about the way the wind was blowing ♪

♪ Makes me think I might get past the river today ♪

Guys, I think we're done.

♪ The wind was blowing makes me think ♪

♪ That down the hill and through the fields ♪

♪ And cross the bridge The city might not be so far away ♪

♪ But it might not be the wind ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪

♪ It might be coming from inside ♪

♪ Or some kinda gift from God ♪

♪ Anyway, I get a feeling ♪

♪ This could be the day we beat the odds ♪

Work-life balance is for the weak.

To be great, you gotta be unbalanced.

Let me ask you a question. You think Mickey Mantle,

when he was a big star, you think he cleaned his room?

No. You don't need life balance.

You need to be unbalanced to be really good.

Okay, I mean, I was kind of with you until that part.

That seems a little like a toxic work environment.

Times are changing, man, I don't know what to say.

Oh.

Oh!

Well, I'm gonna report you for these unsanitary conditions

and that vulgar performance.

Oh! Your camp's going out of business, sis.

Sorry about that 30K.

Would've looked good on you.

Camp Barak forever. The winner.

- No, it doesn't. - I'm telling you.

Hey, maybe she's got a medical issue.

Shut up, Tums.

That's exactly what it sounds like.

Yeah, whatever.

Exactly what what sounds like?

Uh, Nico said it's what it sounded like

when he was doing Mike's mom.

Nico? Is that true?

No, Mara.

No, it's not true,

or no, you weren't doing Mike's mom?

So what's our primary need?

Getting everyone to the camp safe and alive.

After that?

Avoiding penetration.

All other shenanigans,

vaping, exchanging clothing, sharing bodily fluids,

important but below primary needs.

Bodily fluids?

Motion is lotion.

You keep moving, you're gonna get ahead.

-Ah-huh. -When you walk into a room,

you're the best, nobody's better than you.

Nobody's better than you.

Guys, look over there.

Oh my!

Stop. Wait, delete that.

This summer has meant to me...

vapor, women...

Houston Astros.

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

if all men count with you, but none too much,

if you can fill the unforgiving minute

with 60 seconds worth of distance run,

yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

and which is more, you'll be a man, my son.

Yeah, this was, uh,

this was a strange conversation, I think,

but I think it was something I needed to hear.

- Yeah. - Something I've been waiting

like my entire time at this camp to hear.

-Thank you. -What's your name, again?

Um, my-- my real name's Miles,

but everyone around here calls me,

uh... ...Wetspot, so--

I'll call you Miles.

Good job, Miles.

- Thanks. - You're going places.

Thanks, Manny.

Dude.

Whoo!

♪ Only money on your mind ♪

♪ What a way to spend a life ♪

♪ Green-colored glasses in front of your eyes ♪

♪ Not worth a dime ♪

♪ Oh, you're a walking cliché ♪

♪ With your $100 bouquet ♪

♪ Are those roses for me ♪

♪ Or the grave of humanity ♪

♪ You're such a pussy ♪

♪ Planning for the future ♪

♪ 401K Man You're not okay, man ♪

♪ All about money ♪

♪ You're sick in the head ♪

♪ 401K Man You're not okay, man ♪

♪ You're wearing a suit to bed ♪

♪ You work all day ♪

♪ And have no dreams ♪

♪ Collecting cash ♪

♪ But what does it mean ♪

♪ 401K Man You're not okay, man ♪

♪ All about money ♪

♪ You're sick in the head ♪

♪ You're sick in the head ♪