Original subtitles

You have no idea.

Sheepneck was a rough place to grow up, Arthur Tobin.

But this place, Funhole Park,

this was your refuge? - Yeah.

Me and Monica used to hang out here every weekend

just to get away from the other stuff.

This was our Wakanda,

except white people knew about it

and still didn't come.

And you said your friend Corn Pop worked here?

He used to sneak me in in that fence,

right over there. Right, Monica?

Yeah.

I wish Corn Pop could see me now.

I know you're up there, Pop.

I made it out, brother, like we always talked about.

I love you, dawg.

Enjoy your wings.

Anyway, he's a airline pilot.

- Whoa, Rusty! What are you doing?

I'm bored, and this looks fun.

That slide is the reason they shut this place down.

Kids kept breaking their ankles.

Dude, look where the wall is.

Fine!

Hey, it's not our problem if you want

to break your moneymaker. - Moneymaker?

What money is Rusty's foot earning these days?

Hey, I will have you know that this little lady

is still insured for a million bucks.

I could get back in the league.

George Blanda kicked until he was 48.

Or who knows?

Maybe I'll go back into foot modeling.

- Yes, Rusty. Très jolie, Rusty.

Gorgeous! - Oh, I know.

OK, I got our usual order, wings and a meat lover's.

But Sal had a new pie on the menu,

so I figured I'd give it a try.

It's the crust lover's.

Oh.

OK, well, here's your card back.

And I got a little something nice for myself, like you said.

You deserve it.

Whoa, is that...

Hey, it's one of Arthur's old movies.

I haven't eaten in days,

and I barely have the strength to urinate

into my own mouth anymore.

But it is a price I willingly pay.

As my mentor, the great Vernon Bellow,

always... huh. I know you're a hallucination.

I'm not even going to try to take that ice cold Dr. Pepper

from you, Keira Knightley.

As Vernon Bellow always said,

there is no art without suffering.

You OK, man?

Here, relax.

Dude, you met Keira Knightley?

Have you seen the jam my Aunt Sheila sent me?

It's missing.

Oh, so the young Black man took it?

Well, I'm glad to know that Jim Crow

is still alive and well. - Whoa! Carmelo!

I'm sorry.

This is the problem with going to a good school

and learning actual history.

I'm gonna go play video games.

Jam is exactly how Shakira found out her man was cheating.

Her soccer-player baby daddy hated strawberry jam.

So when she came home from tour and it was gone,

she knew he had some rando

jam-eating bitch over the house.

Not that Reggie would ever cheat.

I mean, he cried for days over that

Coldplay jumbotron scandal.

Why's America laughing at this?

These are real people.

Children are involved.

I'm just saying, everyone in this house

knows not to eat my jam, so who could possibly...

Seriously? You rando jam-eating bitch.

I told you not to touch that.

And I told you I miss stuff

if you don't repeat it over and over because

I'm always on my devices.

Hold up.

Oh, I know you ain't been using my lotion.

- Good. Then it's settled.

What?

This is my natural guava cocoa-butter smell.

Unbelievable.

You don't pay rent. You don't help with the bills.

And the last time you had night terrors,

you found a damn saxophone.

What are you even doing with your life?

You know, if you hadn't met Reggie

'cause you can kick a football,

you'd have to be an actual adult who pays for things.

Hey, my medication is mashed up in there,

so I kind of need to finish it.

This project is, in many ways,

new terrain for me.

Reggie's world is one of affluence and comfort.

So what's really troubling me is...

- Sensing tension. - Oh, damn it.

No.

Oh, OK.

Yes, just a little bit.

That is it, right there. Oh, my God, chair.

Clear the room!

The point is, I have always been taught

that great art requires suffering.

And my mentor, the Vernon Bellow,

director of "The Smell of Silence,"

spent six months living as a corpse

to expose corpse abuse at a small town crematorium.

At times like this, he is my North Star.

Must we suffer for our art?

Picasso, Sylvia Plath, David Blaine...

clearly, it doesn't hurt.

But living in a mansion doesn't mean you betrayed your muse.

I was hoping that you would say that.

Arthur, I may have slept

on the floor of a factory farm for "I, Cow,"

But I also lived on an island paradise

for "The Erotic Awakening of Vernon B."

We must go wherever the film takes us.

Oh, crap. How do I get rid...

look, all I'm saying is that you're making a film

about a wealthy former athlete and his family.

I mean, it's not like you're letting them pay for the film.

That would be a betrayal of the most basic documentary ethics.

- Right. Of course.

And, obviously, I have independent funding,

gobs of it, maybe more.

Hey, Arthur, don't use that footage of me

eating spaghetti from the other day.

See, what happened was I got this really long noodle.

And I just kept sucking it in,

like, this has got to end at some point, but it didn't.

So I started laughing.

And then spaghetti started coming out of my nose.

And then that went into my mouth.

Whatever you saw, just don't use it

or this description of it.

Yeah, we paying for this movie,

so you got to do what she say.

By the way, we're having steak for dinner.

I know you tired of eating steak,

so I got you your favorite...

two lobsters.

- Judas! - I know that looks bad.

I never dreamt that you would sink so low.

Congratulations, Arthur. You are an utter disgrace.

Damn it! How do I turn this...

If your subjects are funding the film, it's worthless.

You might as well be making a television show.

Oh, Vernon, please.

This... this didn't start off as a serious film.

So I... I will get the outside funding.

I swear.

Vivian! It happened again with the kitty face.

Well, if I knew how,

I would not have done it, would I?

Reggie, Monica.

- What's this? - This is all the money I have.

- Oh, pumpkin. - Money gets that low?

It is a gesture until I can find full funding for the film.

Reggie, I can no longer accept your largesse.

You calling me fat?

Dude, if you want to keep dating Black women,

you need to get like me. - What? No.

I mean, well, yes, but let's... let's sidebar that.

So now you don't want our money?

Look, I was more than happy to take it

when this documentary was just a paycheck.

But now, to make art, I must be independent.

So artists can't have patrons?

If it weren't for the Medicis,

there would be no Michelangelo, Leonardo,

Raphael, or Donatello.

And I think the world would be worse off

without the Ninja Turtles.

Except we're not rich like that.

I mean, as Reggie's manager, I would love for him

to stop paying for all this. - Counterpoint, no!

I pay for everything in this house.

That's just how I do.

I'm just... I'm not some Rusty here

to just sponge off you and your family.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rusty. I really am.

But, I mean, that is your third chicken today.

I'm afraid I cannot accept another dime,

and I should never have accepted this.

So what am I supposed to do with this?

Change my name to Angus Titelbaum?

It doesn't suit me.

- And I'm not a Rusty either. OK?

I'm not a freeloader.

What do you call living in a mansion rent-free?

Luigi does it.

He pays his way by fighting ghosts.

OK, well, I guess I'll start paying my way

around here too then.

Dude, you do plenty around here,

like listen to me talk about Godzilla movies.

Are you saying you're gonna get a job?

Doing what exactly? - Kicking.

Oh, what kind of job...

Karate, the Rockettes, old-fashioned wine making.

Isn't that stomping?

Its downward kicking, Monica.

It's the same science.

So I popped down to Washington, D.C.

this morning.

Seems like it might be quite a hard time to be

raising money for the arts.

The Corporation for Public Broadcasting is shut down.

The NEA is just a Spirit Halloween now.

And the New Jersey Council for the Arts

have very specific stipulations about funding,

and I just don't know how I would even begin

to turn this documentary into a mural on a Wawa.

So here we are, back at square one.

As you can see, I'm walking home from the train station

because I can't afford a cab. - Get a car, loser.

Reggie, what is football?

That is an excellent question, Reggie.

No one knows. - What are you doing?

I'm practicing doing this without Arthur Tobin.

He doesn't need me. Maybe I don't need him.

Seriously?

Reggie, why are you so against him paying for this?

We could do a lot with that money,

maybe invest in one of your business ideas.

Oh, please.

You said we couldn't invest in CyberTeeth

until I knew what I meant by that.

And I still don't.

When I was growing up, how did my family eat cereal?

With a fork, to save milk for the next person.

And I always ate last, and it was gross.

I worked my ass off for years to make sure

I could take care of my people.

So me paying for stuff is saying I love you.

And Arthur Tobin is gonna reject that?

And Rusty? That pisses off my heart.

It's actually kind of sweet, to be honest.

It's nice still having a little control over the project.

Oh, you talking about the spaghetti loop.

And other stuff, like when you listed

your top five rappers, and they were all white.

And my top fried chicken spots is Korean-owned.

So what? Point is, we agree.

We both got good reasons to keep paying for all this.

And one big reason not to, D-O-L-L...

- Dolls? - A-R-S.

Well, that make more sense.

But all that means is you got to make a choice.

Either you get with me or you get with Arthur Tobin.

But before you answer that, remember, he's a colonizer.

And me and you have a child together.

Hey, Reg, I'm going to the gym.

Make sure to do all the butt the exercises.

- I will, baby. Wow, Rusty.

Looks like the job search is going great.

She doesn't know how wrong she is.

It's going real bad.

Turns out grape-stomping is just all machines now.

The Rockettes have a height requirement,

and I don't like karate anymore.

Oh, Daddy!

Plus, I called every team in the NFL

and they all just laughed at me, except the Browns.

They said I could be on the team

if I pay them and also recruit three other players.

And then those players each have to recruit

three other players, and so on.

I guess I'm gonna have to start turning tricks.

What's up, everybody?

I'm Rusty Boyd, and you're watching "Trick Kicks."

Our first kick is a no-look, over-the-head,

moving target kick.

Hey, jackass, did you just kick

that football into my drone? - Sorry, sir.

Oh, Daddy!

Dr. Freak said he would give whoever

ate the most spiders $10,000,

but it turned out to be a prank,

and he paid the winner in Guyanese dollars.

So that is 47 U.S. dollars, 15¢ a spider.

Arthur, Reggie really wants to pay for this.

And I really cannot let him, which is why I have decided

to move out of his home until I can find the money

for my own room and board. - Where are you going?

The woods.

If Henry David Thoreau can make great art out there, so can I.

You know Thoreau's mom brought him his meals

and did his laundry?

I did not know that.

It doesn't matter. My mind is made up.

The only way Reggie will be happy is if he pays.

The only way Arthur will be happy is if Reggie doesn't pay.

The only way I'm going to be happy is when this is all over.

Man!

When I had Carmelo,

they kept me in the hospital for a week.

Oh, that was nice.

Well, it has come to this.

Without outside funding, I have no choice

but to move to the woods.

So I have my tent.

I have a book that tells me what mushrooms are OK to eat,

a guitar, and, because I have a guitar, condoms.

Oh.

Oh, Monica. Great.

Obviously, I can't take anything given to me by Reggie.

So here's Fuzzles.

Look, I think I found a way for you

to fund this film on your own.

But you can't tell Reggie it came from me.

- A script? OK.

Wait. Don't tell me this...

- Network sitcom pilot. - Oh, dear god.

Susan enters, soaked.

Susan... now can we call a plumber?

You can't possibly expect me to direct this.

It's one day's work.

The director just got fired.

And this is the fee.

OK, everybody, let's make America laugh.

Energy, energy, energy.

And act.

Uh, that went well.

Back in the day, this foot got me everything.

I was Reggie Dinkins' wingman.

It was a champagne campaign every night...

models and bottles, shorties and 40s.

Hotties and hot cheese.

Yo, remember this night, man.

Man, I don't have to.

This is gonna be our lives every night forever.

Brina was right.

I'm just a rando jam-eating bitch.

And you, you're worthless.

I don't even know why I keep you insured.

I might as well...

oh, my God.

I know how to get a million dollars.

Mothra only swims to Tokyo

to rescue the twin priestesses of Infant Island.

- Swims? I thought he was a moth.

- She is a moth. Are you even listening?

Baby, I'm late for my hair appointment.

How much longer are you gonna talk about Godzillas?

For the last time, there's one Godzilla.

He is not Rodan. Where is Rusty?

He always talks about monster movies with me

or the 1970s Knicks.

If you ask me, moving Willis Reed

to power forward so that Walt Bellamy

could play center...

- Hey, Brina. You want to play Catan with us?

People who look like me don't know what that is.

It's a resource-based board game,

and Enzo just got the More Desert expansion pack.

Oh, wow.

Um, I'd love to, but isn't that kind of a Rusty thing?

I mean, yeah, but he's not here.

So we shall see you at the gaming table anon, my lady.

Ugh.

- Hey, girl. I've been waiting on ya.

You want to come upstairs and get some of this

very necessary roughness?

OK, I'll get the referee outfit.

- Oh, snap. You just got your hair done.

Sorry, I guess I got more energy

because I ain't played ping-pong with Rusty today.

It's all good.

Just try not to mess up my hair.

Oh, my God.

I love my man, but I need Rusty Boyd.

Yo, Brina.

Enzo's offering three sheep for two wheat.

For the last time, Enzo,

I'm not trading my wheat!

Rusty, I brought you something to apologize for...

Rusty?

Lloyd's of London.

Why has he got his foot insurance out?

Destroy foot?

Oh, my God, I think I know where he went!

- What is this? - I found work.

I can pay for everything going forward.

And this covers what I already owe you,

so food, rent, utilities.

And I would like my AT chain back, please.

All right, I'll go get it back from Aisha Tyler.

Reggie, I know this isn't how you wanted things to go.

But if it makes you feel any better,

what I did for this money was painful.

♪ Baby Daddy ♪

Can't believe we switched bodies

when we got struck by lightning

while playing catch in that storm.

Tell me about it, Dad.

Dear, go to your room, young man.

What has gotten into you?

Now how about we go upstairs too?

Uh-oh, Mommy.

We hate this!

Well, whatever you did,

I gotta respect the hustle.

We must suffer for our art.

Yeah, we set that all up.

"Baby Daddy" isn't a real show.

I mean, it was back when UPN offered it to Reggie in 2002.

We probably should have updated the dialogue.

Hurry up, or we'll be late for the Nelly concert

at the Pontiac Silverdome.

But whatever.

I paid for all that, including Tobin's directing fee.

So the check he gave me was my money.

I'm still paying, baby!

And I decided I wanted leverage

more than I wanted to save Reggie some cash.

Hey, I was going to waste it either way.

And this is my leverage.

Oh, it was so bad.

But as far as he knows, Arthur got what he wanted too.

He did suffer for his art.

So it's kind of a win-win-win, our first one.

Hey.

And, Marty, obviously, Arthur cannot see

this footage unless I say so. - Fine.

As long as you don't tell him about me

and the boom girl and her stepmom.

- Damn, Marty. - What?

- Rusty! Rusty, stop!

Oh, thank God I got here in time.

Why aren't you answering your phone?

What the hell are you talking about?

I got my phone right here. Oh, what the...

Did I forget to erase the whiteboard?

- Look, I'm sorry. You're not a freeloader.

You earn your keep in so many ways.

And having you around makes my life better.

You're like a big skin-covered Paddington.

And I was mad at you for eating my marmalade.

But that's just what Paddingtons do.

There's only one Paddington, Brina.

He's not Rodan.

I hate that I know who that is now.

And that's why I need you back, to tire out Reggie

and talk to him about Mothra and basketball

and what dogs are what race

and to do teenage nerd stuff with Carmelo.

Did Enzo's mom pick him up?

Was she wearing her wedding ring?

Did she ask about me?

And I'm sure you do something for Monica.

I edit her sexts.

They're tasteful, but aggressive.

- Yeah, I want no part in that. - Yeah.

I swear, if you ever get a job,

I will kill you.

You had me at, "Rusty, stop.

"Thank God I got here in time.

Why aren't you answering your phone?"

Ooh, what's better than a bowl of spaghetti?

Mm. Oh, that's a long noodle.

It just keeps going.

Oh, no. Oh, my nose.

It's looping.

Someone stop this. Help!

What kind of god would allow this to happen?

- Good night, everybody. - Good night.