Original subtitles

.

- First day back. [chuckles]

I wanna keep it low-key, you know?

See, this is what I'm afraid of.

A whole damn spirit tunnel.

[Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" playing]

It's not like I just got back from the moon.

- Hey, Ron, um, we are so happy you're back, but this is--

- Alex, I don't wanna hear another one

of your heartfelt speeches.

Let me just get this over with, okay?

All right, I guess I'll give you a little taste.

♪ ♪

[Ron shrieks]

- Today is the day that Ron is coming back to work.

It's also the day that a very brave little boy

who broke 17 bones is getting out of the hospital.

Is it unfortunate that these two things

happened on the same morning?

Yes.

It is.

- [squeaking and beeping]

[grunting]

Look out. Here it comes.

Whoa.

You guys want a little "Soul Train"?

[grunts] Ooh, that hurt.

I'm back, baby!

Ooh, cupcakes.

Wow.

- Raul's getting discharged today.

[applause]

- ♪ Time to come together ♪

♪ It's up to you ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Don't know what those were, don't care.

- I come bearing gifts. - Okay.

- [giggles] I know you enjoy your treats,

so I put that together so you could treat responsibly.

- [chuckles]

Oh. - I cut up the veggies myself.

Felt like I was on "The Bear."

- Thank you both. I appreciate it.

- Well, I'm sorry I didn't bring you a big tub of lard,

but your heart almost exploded, Ron.

Open the rest.

- A Tomoe ring? You were serious about this?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

We just need to track your heart rate,

make sure it doesn't get elevated.

- Oh, come on, Joyce.

- Ron, we're worried about you.

And our lawyer, Gail, said you had to, so.

- Fine.

The only thing this device will show

is a robust young gentleman handling his business.

- Well, good. [chuckles]

I know historically,

you've had trouble keeping a ring on your finger,

but hopefully, this'll be different.

[chuckles]

Because you're divorced, Ron.

[laughs] Anyway.

Keith is gonna be tracking your vitals

and flagging any abnormalities. - [sighs]

- Yeah, they're all up here on the Ron-itor.

- I came up with that. - I don't care.

[device chirps] - [high-pitched] Here we go.

[normally] That's my Mario.

[high-pitched] Here we go.

- Keith, that's racist. - [gasps] No.

- Hey, Alex? Quick question for you.

Remember eight months ago when you said,

take this botfly removal for me, I'll owe you one?

- Um, a little bit, not really. - That's fine.

What about when I came in on the 4th

because you were slammed and you said you'd owe me one

or Thursday when I covered 106 so you could hit the bathroom?

Kind of took a while.

- There was a line, though.

- Point is I've been documenting these instances

of you owing me one.

And now that we're at 20, it felt like a good time

to cash 'em in and just, you know, do my thing today.

- Talking about you've been writing all this down?

That--oh.

- You got to the sketches?

It's just the female form, Alex.

You're a nurse.

Anyway, I will be at my chair.

If you need me, just tap.

- Sorry, Val. [chuckles]

I just can't tell--

I can't tell if this is real or not 'cause it seems crazy.

- You did say you'd owe me one.

Were you joking or lying or something?

- No, I meant it, I just-- - Great.

So we're on the same page.

- Val, why wouldn't you just take the day off?

- Then I wouldn't get paid, Alex.

[chuckles] What are you even talking about?

[scoffs]

- And then at home, you'll apply the insecticide cream

to every nook and cranny.

And I do mean every.

All right. - Try not to scratch.

- [clears throat]

- Hey, babe. We on for lunch today?

- You know it, babe.

- [chuckles] Ah, would you look at the two of us, huh?

Living the dream.

- Definitely one of the more fun

scabies infestations I've ever seen.

- No, Matt.

I mean that we're both thriving in our relationships.

You with Serena, me with Emerson.

- Oh. - This is life on top, brother.

- Yeah, it's a very cool thing. - Yeah.

The unfettered bliss of romance is a very cool thing.

[chuckles] Watch your back, Shakespeare.

[chuckles] Nah, it's just nice, you know?

Catching up on your day,

cheering each other up when you're down.

You can go halvsies

on two completely different sandwiches.

- I like being called babe

a lot more than I thought I would.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, I love the inside jokes.

- [chuckling] Yeah.

Yeah, inside jokes, oof.

Love those. That's a big one. Big perk.

But so what kind of inside jokes do you guys have?

Is it more than one? - Yeah, we have a bunch.

Fuzzy foot guy.

[Italian accent] Salami.

Oh, Serena's always worried she left her curling iron on,

so I made up a song. - Oh.

- ♪ Your curling iron's off ♪

♪ Your curling iron's off ♪

♪ It's definitely off ♪

♪ Because your curling iron's off ♪ [chuckles]

- Nothing you just said was funny, all right?

Not even a little bit.

I'm actually kind of mad at you now.

- Yeah, it's just for the two of us.

That's what makes it special.

- Yeah, that sounds nice.

It is nice, I mean-- [clears throat]

At least when I experience it with Brooke,

which is frequently, so, you know, we're

just as special as you guys.

[clears throat]

- You had no right. - Okay.

- There was my scab, not yours! - And I apologize.

- Well, do you have a Samsung charger?

- Yeah, I'm gonna report the gyoza as missing,

but you'll still get your five stars.

Everybody wins.

- Sometimes because of Val's demeanor,

I can forget that I'm the one in charge of her

and not the other way around. [chuckles]

Not that I'm intimidated by her.

Not at all.

Um--

no, yeah, that's the main reason.

- [slurping]

- [sighs] Really up against it today.

- Hey. What's up?

- I was just saying, you know,

we're really up against it today.

And it's almost like, ah, you know?

[chuckles] Someone help us.

- Oh, hate those days, but you'll figure it out.

- I'm sorry.

Are you watching the National Dog Show?

- Technically, it's the qualifying rounds.

Shelly won't let me watch because my ex is competing.

See that long-haired German bitch?

- Val! - The dog.

I wouldn't call a woman that. - Oh.

- Anyway, my ex is

the jacked-up biker slut brushing her tail.

Hey, my ramen's getting cold

and once the pork fat congeals--

you get it.

Good luck out there.

- Hey, Brandon. - I'm going on my break.

- Yeah, uh, remember on Valentine's Day when

I let you take off for a waxing appointment

and you said you owed me one?

- Ew, why are you tracking my wax appointments, you psycho?

- [slurps]

- Ma'am, you are officially splinter-free.

Next time, leave some patio on the house.

- Look at him.

He saw the light and he said no, I want to work.

[chuckles] How's his ticker, Keith?

- Looking good, boss.

BPM holding steady, minimal heart rate variability,

next ovulation cycle in nine days.

Ooh, I think I entered some of his information wrong.

- Joyce, will you back off? I got this.

- Just take it easy. Gail is on my ass.

Also...

we love you, blah, blah, blah. Let's go.

- Okay.

- That woman needs to chill out,

because I am knocking 'em down.

Cluster headache, bam, Zaluva.

Tennis elbow, bam, Simien Brace.

- Yeah. You're doing great.

Good job. - Good job?

What the hell is that? - What? I'm being nice.

- You're being nice?

- It's that weird for me to say a nice thing to you?

And--fine.

Joyce told me to give you all the easy cases

on your first day back.

- What?

Serena, do I really look like someone who needs to be babied?

- I mean, a little.

You asked me to peel the lid off your yogurt before.

- [scoffs] That was a power move.

You know what we're gonna do?

We are going to treat today like it's any other day, okay?

- Yeah, sure.

Looks like we've got an animal bite in 112.

- Ooh, animal bite. That sounds juicy.

Let's do it. - Okay.

- We're gonna need an irrigation kit,

tetanus booster, ooh, antibiotics.

- [groaning] - Damn!

- Oh! - Is that a dinosaur?

- It's a snapping turtle. - [groans]

- Well, why the [bleep] does it look like a dinosaur?

- Can somebody give me a tray for this thing?

- Oh, little blip on the Ron-itor!

.

- So you were trying to kidnap it?

- I was trying to free it.

What the animals in that zoo go through

is no different from slavery.

[groans] - Little different.

- [groans] It wasn't until I got him over the fence that--

ouch.

I think he's clinging to me because he knows I rescued him.

And he's--[groans]

- You know, after three decades in the ED,

I have learned that the one thing you can always expect

is the unexpected.

So in a way,

that unexpected thing is the thing I was expecting.

- Sorry, but this is [bleep] crazy.

- Well, okay.

Lucas, I'm going to apply these ice packs to the turtle's jaws.

The cold should cause it to release.

- The ice is freezing.

- Well, that's kind of ice's thing.

- It's uncomfortable.

- Is it as uncomfortable as a turtle biting your flesh?

- Yep, another blip. We're blippin', folks.

- You just need to distract yourself.

Focus on me. - Why can't he focus on me?

- Okay, focus on Doreen.

- I just feel like you do this a lot.

You pull focus. - Quiet.

Well, the ice isn't working

and the patient doesn't like the ice,

so I think we should move on to the next thing.

- Do we have a next thing?

'Cause it kind of feels like we don't.

- Welcome back to "The Serena Show."

[patient groans]

- Hey. There's my gal.

- Oh, hey, you. - Hey.

Yeah, things with Emerson are really solid.

There's no mind games.

I have my own sock drawer at her place.

I see her in the morning without makeup.

[chuckling] And I love that she's fine with that.

So do we need inside jokes? No.

I just wanna make sure that

I'm optimizing our symbiotic bond to maximize the odds

of long-term pairing success.

[chuckles] I don't know.

It's romantic. [snorts]

Oh, boy, look at us, huh?

Both in scrubs. The scrub buds. [chuckles]

Hey, that's a fun thing we could call each other.

It'd be private, of course, just for us.

- Isn't everyone in scrubs?

- [chuckles] Okay. "Isn't everyone in scrubs?"

That's a quote we won't soon forget.

[chuckles] - Huh?

- I don't know. I don't know. - [scoffs]

- Oof, God, this website is not loading.

What, are we in your condo? [chuckles]

You have slow internet.

It's, like, 1 megabyte per second.

We've talked about it before.

- What, do you want me to call Spectrum?

- No, you can't!

It's--it's our thing.

- Well, I really need to prep for this annuloplasty.

- Totally, totally. Gotta focus.

Yeah.

I just hope you haven't left your curling iron on.

- I don't have a curling iron.

- Okay. Me neither.

Oh, my God, that's so us.

♪ We don't have curling irons ♪

♪ We don't have curling irons ♪

- I'll see you later, Bruce.

- Mm-hmm, got it.

[sighs]

I actually do have a curling iron.

- The mastiff's junk is too distracting.

Looks like a couple of pomelos in a grocery bag.

- Cameraman keeps zooming in on it.

Someone's gotta look into that guy.

[electronic chime]

Oh, call button. Back to work.

- On it.

Hey, Alex, you're needed in 104.

- Well, that's quite a system you've got there.

I guess you're the cool boss.

- No, there--[sighs]

There was, like, a ledger and-- [sighs]

- Lettuce wrap. - Lettuce wrap.

- [groans] - String cheese.

- String cheese.

- [sighs]

- Can I get that? - No.

Getting this turtle to unlatch has required a bit of

out-of-the-box thinking on our part.

[snapping fingers]

[phone playing cougar yowling]

[screaming]

- Feels like all we did was piss the turtle off.

- We'll get there.

We'll get there.

- Oh, hey, um, did you ever figure out

what's happening with my paychecks?

- So I spoke to Mark Pearson in Radiology.

He says he's already spent the money.

So what I need you to do is go to Payroll.

- Oh, boy. We've got a live one here.

All right. - I need you to do it today.

- Joyce, this is boyfriend stuff.

Okay, so check out this message I got from Emerson.

All right? "So sorry.

"I have to bail on lunch today for a consult,

but I'll see you alter."

[chuckles] - The typo?

- [chuckling] Yes, the typo.

Super fertile ground for an inside joke, no?

- Maybe. - All right.

What if I respond, hey, got your blood test results.

Apparently, you're typo positive.

[chuckles] - Oh.

- [chuckles] It's a play on type O-pos--it works written.

Matt, you have to be reading it off my screen.

- No, yeah, I-- I like that.

Or maybe you could say, uh, you know,

am I texting with your alter ego?

[chuckles]

- Okay, look, I need serious pitches here, man.

- Yeah. - Right?

She's not into your weird Adult Swim-style comedy.

Oh, crap, crap, crap, crap.

She just edited it. Uh, what do I do?

Do-- do I still send the typo thing?

Hello, yes, no?

Is this a good inside joke or isn't it, Matthew?

- I don't know. - [sighs]

Well, now, she's texting about something else.

Come on, we're losing the window, Matt!

We are losing the window!

- Maybe--maybe emoji?

- Yeah. Yep, yep.

- S-snowman?

- Nope. Cowboy hat. - Okay.

- How are Ron's levels? Anything concerning?

- No, he's been good.

A few tiny blips on the Ron-itor.

- Ah, Ron-itor. That's good.

- That's mine. I thought of it.

Hey, gentle reminder.

Taking credit for a woman's idea

is a form of harassment.

- Well, coaxing it off proved unsuccessful,

so I think it's time for the next phase,

brute force.

- You got this, Ron. Just take a deep breath.

- Stop being nice.

- Heart rate is deep in that yellow zone, Ron.

- Very helpful, Keith. Thank you.

All right, I feel some movement.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, just a little.

There we go. There we go. There we go.

[whimpers] It's off.

He's off.

Now, Doreen, I need you to very carefully.

- Ron, you're in the yellow.

Oh, dinosaur!

- [screams] It's on my neck! It's biting into my neck now!

[all screaming] This is thin skin!

This is much thinner skin! We gotta move faster!

.

- Can't we do the spreader again?

We can get someone stronger and younger to do it.

What? You said stop being nice.

- It's too close to the carotid now.

The slightest nick could cause him to bleed out.

- That's it. I'm taking you off this case, Ron.

It's too stressful. You're not ready.

- I am fine. - Ron, I'm responsible for you.

- Well, it was successful

until you barged in here like the Kool-Aid Man.

- Flirting with Orange Town here.

- It is too late to swap me out now.

Every minute that passes,

we risk hemorrhage and nerve damage.

- Oh, my God, Maureen, what did he do to you?

- What did I do to him? - Maureen's a she.

- So that thing sticking out the back's not a penis?

I sent it to my mahjong group chat.

- I think that's a HIPAA violation.

- I'm not showing his face. Why you on my jock?

- Okay, who is this man?

- Oh, I'm Waylon. Yeah, Waylon's Wild Things.

- Oh, you own the zoo. - Sanctuary.

- Prison. - It doesn't matter.

And I hope it wouldn't come to this,

but there is a life at stake,

so we may have to euthanize the turtle.

- What? - Yeah, you can't do that.

[groans] I guess if you have to.

- This here is a CITES Appendix II species

with proposed threatened status.

- Okay, good.

- So if you so much as harm a single scute on her carapace,

you'll have to answer to the Federal Wildlife Service,

not to mention I will sue this damn hospital

into the Stone Age.

- Ron, please tell me you didn't damage her scutes.

- I don't know what a scute is.

- Looked like a penis. [patient groans]

- Hey, hey, there she is, the consult queen.

[both chuckle] How'd it go?

- EH, it was fine. - Yeah.

- Sorry for canceling last-minute.

- Eh, all good.

Hey, maybe we could rain check for motorrow

or perhaps something wext meekend?

[chuckles] It works written.

- Okay, what is going on?

You've been acting weird all day.

- Nothing. Nothing's going on. Really.

I just--[sighs]

I want us to have inside jokes, okay?

You know, to be able to razz each other.

I like you, and--I don't know.

It just seems like that's a good thing for couples to have.

- To mock each other for typos?

- You know what? Forget it. [scoffs]

- Come on. I was just teasing.

- No, no. Forget it.

- Oh, Bruce, please don't walk away.

[shoes squeaking]

[snorts]

Okay there?

- Yeah. Me? Fine.

Jesus, we mopping the floors with olive oil?

What's going on?

- [laughs] All these years later

and the Progressive lady can still throw a heater.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- What's wrong? Did a dog knock over a cone?

- It's Shelly. [inhales sharply]

She got an email that

there's a new login to her Peacock account.

She's putting 2 and 2 together. It's only a matter of time.

- All right, deep breaths.

Shelly's a reasonable person. I'm sure she'll understand.

- She's not gonna understand, Alex.

[phone buzzes]

She literally just texted, "I don't understand."

[Britney Spears' "Toxic" ringtone playing]

Ah! She's calling. What do I do?

- Just let it ring out.

[phone ringing]

- Don't pick it up. Do not pick it up, Alex.

- All right, so this whole IOU business is over

and we're getting back to work?

- We'll talk about it later.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Oh, hey, Shelly. Val? You know, I don't know.

Let me check.

- This is messed up.

- Well, I think today's been pretty messed up.

- Fine, no more IOUs, clean slate.

- And you're not taking off

New Year's Eve eve anymore, okay?

Because I checked and it is not a real Hawaiian holiday.

- Done. Now cover for me.

- You need to be more friendly, okay?

Say hi back to me in the mornings.

- I'll give you a nod. - I want words.

- You know what? Forget it.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

- [sweetly] Hey, Shelly. How's it going?

- Fine. Two minutes of chit-chat after I clock in.

- [normally] Deal.

- Hello? Is Val there?

- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

Sorry. - Val there or not?

I'm not waiting all day.

- There are less than 2,000 of these turtles left in America.

We should be euthanizing him.

- 2,000 seems like a lot. - Oh, okay.

Never mind, planet.

This random hot nurse says we're doing just fine.

- Okay, I like him now.

- [chuckling] Whoa. Really is a turtle.

- Thank you, Steve Irwin, for that brilliant insight.

- Ron, too soon.

- Can everyone please pipe down

unless this is about the medical emergency we're facing?

So what do you think?

If we administer ketamine, do you think that'll knock it out?

- I'm not sure. Never sedated a turtle before.

- I know you've never sedated a turtle before.

- Hey, Ron, we are right up at the red.

Maybe try some boxed breathing.

- [sighs] - Five in.

- I don't know what your drugs are gonna do,

but if you sedate Maureen, she's likely to asphyxiate.

We're talking about a 60-year-old animal.

- Hold at the top. - Shut up, Keith.

- Okay, so we sedate,

but we're prepared to intubate if necessary.

- Have you ever intubated a turtle before?

- Let's just assume no one in the entire hospital

has ever performed anything on a turtle,

but we have to be prepared to improvise because if not,

then this knucklehead may wake up tomorrow with no neck.

And I don't want that on my conscience!

[electronic chime] - [gasps] Red.

Joyce, we've reached red.

- I know I'm in the red, Keith.

We're always in the red

because this is an in-the-red kind of job.

And if one day the stresses of this place just take me out,

then so be it.

But today, I'm trying to save two lives.

So if you are not Serena, me, or this turtle,

then kindly get the [bleep] out!

- I can stay, right?

- You're pushing me, Lucas. - [groans softly]

.

- [sighs and clears throat]

- Hmm. What you got there?

- I don't know. I just came in and it was--

oh, I see.

Because of before.

- Just don't want you to hurt yourself, Slippy.

- Didn't hurt myself. [chuckles]

I didn't even fall earlier,

so this doesn't quite work comedically.

- Didn't you just say you wanted us to be able

to laugh at each other, have inside jokes?

- Yes, jokes, that's right, as opposed to bullying.

[chuckles] I wouldn't do it, of course, but technically,

I'm supposed to report this to Joyce.

[clears throat]

- Oh, you're joking.

That was really funny. [laughs]

- Was it funny or was it totally serious?

- [laughing] Okay, you are being hilarious right now.

- [chuckles] Right, yeah, I mean, I am being hilarious.

- Yeah. [chuckles] - Of course. Oh, man.

Could you imagine me being all like,

uh, I'm gonna report my own girlfriend to my boss

like some insecure maniac?

Ah! [laughs]

Uh, hey, Joyce--[chuckles] - [laughing]

- I'd like to report Emerson

for creating a hostile work environment

and not knowing when a joke feels below the belt

and maybe even a little bit ableist.

- [laughs] No, I genuinely was like, wow, is he serious?

- Oh, my God. No.

[chuckling] No.

- I know you can be a little thin-skinned sometimes.

- [high-pitched laugh]

That's great. That's--that's--

hey, Joyce, she's doing it again.

It's becoming a pattern of cruelty at this point,

but hey, at least she's amused.

[laughter]

- This is not the underwear that I came in with.

You switched it out.

- Hey, Val, when you're done in here, can you take 105 and 109?

Oh, and we have a bowel disimpaction in 116.

I know you're busy,

but I think you can probably carve out the time.

- Look at the stitching.

Here, look at this stitching.

- Okay, let's get 30 megs of ketamine hydromorphone

on board, please.

Uh, ooh, I'm starting to see a lot of blood here.

We've gotta go now, Patel. - Administering the anesthetic.

Think it's here. - Now, Patel.

- It's not letting go.

- It's gonna take a minute to kick in.

Please try and remain calm. [EKG beeping]

- All right, she's out.

- Doreen, Patel, check for chest rise.

See if we need to intubate.

Serena, you're with me.

Carotid looks intact. Let's get a CT to confirm.

And get me a lido with epi, a suture kit,

and a 4-0 Prolene, please.

- Ron's got ice water in his veins.

- [chuckles] I wish they would have put the little blue cap

on the turtle.

Can you imagine? - [laughs] Yeah.

Maybe some roller skates and a cool sequined jacket.

- What?

- Yeah, I'm still here.

And, uh, it's Matt Pearson, not Mark.

And the amount is $19,610.

- Careful, Matt. Might have to report you to Joyce.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, you wouldn't get it. [chuckles]

- Maureen's stable.

The sedative wore off and she's breathing on her own.

- Thank God.

And the man, he'll be arrested?

- Yep, FBI's setting up a perimeter as we speak.

- Fantastic.

- Hey, Ron. Um, I just wanted to say that--

- Yeah, I know. You always knew I had it in me.

- What? No.

I thought you were gonna have a heart attack.

I called Gail like five times, but I'm glad I was wrong.

- Well, can I give you this thing back?

- Uh, maybe end of week, a couple weeks.

- Hey, I just wanted to say I'm really proud--

- No, I just went through this with Joyce.

Look, can you get me to the break room?

I feel like I'm gonna pass out. - Oh.

- Actually, that box right there looks fine.

- Okay, yeah, sure, sure.

- Ooh.

[sighs] And can you get me an ice cream, please?

- Sure thing. - [sighs]

[bell clangs]