Original subtitles

Congratulations on becoming an agent, Rachel.

I knew you had it in you.

Unfortunate about your husband, though.

Yes.

Well, I couldn't let my feelings for George compromise the mission.

Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Okay.

Does your husband appreciate these?

No.

His husband doesn't appreciate anything.

Fool.

Dead fool.

George never does that.

George couldn't even make coffee.

fucking secret agent tick feels like. Yeah.

But George never makes me cum.

George is a fool.

All right.

Mission complete.

Jesus Christ.

George, you scared the crap out of me.

Yeah?

You should see it from my point of view.

Dreaming about that damn fish tank again?

Yeah.

Something like that.

Sex, honey?

Oh, I'm having my cereal.

Oh, you think so?

Yeah, I do.

You feeling lucky?

Why don't you try to come take it?

Oh, I will.

You call yourself a secret agent.

No wonder they won't give you a promotion.

Moody bitch.

I'll take it that's a no.

Ladies first.

Age before beauty.

Brains before stupidity.

What I meant was, you're the stupid one, okay?

Everybody knows that.

I mean, you know...

I spank you like a redheaded stepchild.

Oh no you didn't!

I can't believe you spanked my spot!

Oh, is this your spot? Oh, you're dirty! You're dirty!

Hi, Rachel.

Morning, Alice.

Morning.

I made brownies.

Who wants some?

You didn't have to do that.

I had to park four blocks away.

Well, now you've had your cardio.

Those are the last of the brownies, isn't it?

I didn't even get one.

Oh, honey.

You have to watch your girlish figure.

It's not fair, Rachel.

You know I wanted a brownie.

George, life's not fair.

That's one hell of a woman.

And one hell of a good cook.

Yeah, well you try being married to her for six years I'm sorry. The lack of sex

is making my memory blurry

Sorry,

you're gonna have to remove all metal from your pockets

Looks like we're going to have to get a little more thorough.

Sam,

it's time for a deep body cavity search.

So there I was.

Surrounded by the enemy.

Deep in the jungles of Bolivia.

Unarmed. And then suddenly I...

Agent Z.

Yes, sir.

You're late.

Yes, there was a malfunction at security.

I apologize, sir. A malfunction?

I'll tell you what, though.

I've got a big mission for you.

What?

Yes, sir.

Go down to the break room and get me a cup of coffee.

You know how I like it.

As I was saying, bullets buzzing over my head.

I had no weapon. Suddenly, from the canopy above came the enemy.

Hi. Oh,

hi, Amy.

Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

No, it's okay. I've been a little on edge.

Too much caffeine.

Well, I must compliment you on your cat-like reflexes.

Oh.

Yeah, well, uh, comes with being a secret agent.

I'll have to be a little bit more careful around you.

I didn't know you could be so dangerous.

Yeah, that's me, dangerous, you know?

You could lose a man.

Speaking of danger, I have something I have to show you.

Won't you come in?

This is cool!

What does this do?

Oh, be careful with that.

I've been having a lot of problems with it. It contains nerve gas, but it keeps

leaking.

A mini supercomputer.

Complete with wireless internet, digital camera, MP3 player,

cigarette lighter, even an AM FM radio.

Can I have it?

No.

What's this?

Um...

That's... That's my vibrator.

So, you planning on doing a little fly fishing?

Oh, that.

That is my pride and joy.

It's impenetrable.

Watch.

Whoa!

You're crazy!

Watch this.

Okay, I get it.

This vest is specially designed to increase the adrenaline and testosterone

of its wearer, giving him more strength, endurance, even enabling him to run

faster.

Well, you think he could have made it a little bit more fashionable? I mean, it

looks like a fishing vest.

Do I look like I know anything about fashion?

Oh, no, no, no. You know,

no, the vest works.

It's, um, you know, it's just got lots of, um, convenient pockets.

It has an internal cooling system that regulates body temperature and increases

stamina. Imagine what that could do for you in the fire.

You think what it could do for me in the bedroom?

I already have.

is my latest invention, training goggles.

It can create virtually any situation imagined.

From flying to combat. Try it. Really?

Mm-hmm.

Whoa!

That's cool!

Can you do anything?

Anything Anything?

That's right.

You don't know how long it's been.

God, you're naughty.

Oh, you're naughty.

Oh, my God.

Oh my god.

Nice and deep in that pussy, baby. Oh, fuck yes. Oh, fuck yes.

Oh, fuck.

There's a train of fucking angels right here.

Oh, fuck.

Yes. Oh.

Fuck. Yes.

Oh, my God. How is my fucking ass shaking?

Yes, it is. Oh,

yes, George, shake it. You know you've always wanted that tight little fucking

ass of mine.

Aw. You know you've always... I'll take it, baby.

Yes, yes, yes, give it to me. Yes,

take it.

Please take it, sweetheart.

Oh, yes, George, take it. You know you've always wanted that tight little

fucking ass of mine.

You know you've always wanted this. Take it, baby.

Take that tight fucking... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck.

Yes.

Oh, fuck yes. I'm gonna get off of my fucking dick like that.

Yes.

Am I spotty or fucking yes?

Yes.

Okay, that was a little weird.

You don't know how long I've waited for that.

You tricked me.

You lured me down here to take advantage of me, you gadget siren.

So?

Oh, come on, you know I like you. I'm married!

It wasn't real.

Felt real.

Take me.

Editor.

Where have you been? What?

You've been gone over an hour.

X was looking for you.

He was?

Yeah. He needed his coffee.

Oh, yeah, right.

So?

So what?

So where were you?

I was taking care of business in the lab.

Business, huh?

And was this business wearing a white lab coat and reeking of fake designer

perfume? What are you talking about?

Don't play stupid with me, George.

That little trollop, Amy.

What about her?

George, I'm serious. I know that you know that she knows that we're having

marital issues.

She's like a vulture waiting in the wings.

You're a crazy lady.

I'm crazy?

I'm crazy?

I'm not the one who was provoked by a glass of milk this morning.

And I'm not the one that hassled the security guards. And we won't even

discuss your bouts of morning road rage.

What? I did not harass those security guards. You set me up. And for your

information, they proceeded to get very intimate with me.

I guess I should be grateful.

Because it's the closest thing I've had to sex in months.

There you go again.

Always with the sex.

You know what, George?

Maybe if you learn a little technique, instead of humping me like a drunken

chihuahua, I would be a little more willing to participate.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Is there a problem here?

No, sir.

Good.

Rachel, I'd like to see you alone, please.

Absolutely.

Zee? Yes, sir.

Where's my coffee?

Coming up, sir.

Rachel,

have a seat I am sitting, sir

Excuse me?

Your help.

Oh.

You're the only one that I can trust.

I have to go on a secret mission. No one here even knows about it.

I can't help it, but I have a feeling it may be my last.

Really, sir?

I don't think there's any coming back from this one, kid. Sir.

Don't cry.

The Middle Eastern ones.

You know, those guys.

They've developed a plan to destroy the world. And I have to go and steal the

magic ingredients to the weapon.

Weapons?

Rachel. Yes, sir?

I need you to help me save the world.

The whole world?

Can you do that? Can you be a hero?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Here's what I need for you to do.

Take this cell phone.

Guard it with your life.

I'm going to be meeting my contacts, and they are very dangerous men. And they

are going to want to know that I am who I say I am.

Do you understand?

Not really, sir.

They're gonna take me into custody.

They're gonna dial that phone for a code.

If you don't give them that code, or you don't answer that phone, I'll be killed.

Now, do you understand?

Uh, I think so, sir.

Protect that with your life.

From now on, you shall be known as Agent... D.

D?

Any questions?

What's the code word?

Code word?

Right.

Uh... Hmm.

Peppermint.

Peppermint.

Peppermint.

Now go.

I have to prepare for this kind of a mission.

But, sir... Please.

Hmm George what what are you doing?

Here you go, sir You know I like two sugars

You're dismissed

What's so funny? You don't actually believe that secret mission crap, do

you?

Oh, my God, you do.

That's the oldest trick in the book. He just wants to fuck you.

You're jealous.

Jealous that I got a mission.

You're a secretary.

No one's going to give you a mission.

I am an administrative assistant.

But I guess you'd know a thing or two about not getting missions now, wouldn't

you? Well, except fetching coffee.

Now, why would you have to go there, okay?

I was just trying to warn you. He's trying to get in your pants.

All I have to do is ask.

What did you say?

I said don't be such an ass.

What is it with you and that fish tank, anyway?

This is going to be the perfect underwater ecosystem.

And I will be its god.

You are not right.

Yeah? Well, at least I'm not waiting by a phone that's never going to ring.

It will ring. Why don't you have a little faith that he'll accomplish the

mission?

You just don't get it.

He's not on a secret mission.

Nobody knows anything about a secret mission.

That's because it's secret.

Duh. Honey, you know nothing of protocol.

You really think he would tell his secretary about a secret mission?

I am an administrative assistant.

Let me see if I get this straight.

The story is there's a group of terrorists and they've built a bomb.

And they threaten to blow up the planet Earth.

But alas, this will be his last call of duty, and his fate rests squarely in the

palms of your hands.

You're the only one he can trust.

His last hope.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

Listen, that's a story he gave his last secretary.

Rachel, listen, don't get mad.

dick-sucked by a native girl.

Do not make me tase you twice in the same night! Okay.

I am an administrative assistant!

She's crazy.

um um

Jesus, who are you?

For God's sake.

I think I just found heaven.

When I think of this little swine, isn't it cute?

It's fun to say, say it with me, swine. It's just things with essence, you know.

So much fun to say.

Isn't it terrific?

Do you like this little swine here?

Do you like the little swine? This is like the other, other pink meat. How

about some white meat?

Excuse me. No, no, seriously.

Let's just take a bite together. No, no, no. Let me just... No, no, no. Let me

lick your hole. No, no, no.

Come on!

Another one for special agent man.

Thank you.

So how do you say your name?

Lamey.

Well, if you insist.

Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. Wait a minute.

You're not gay?

No.

So... You didn't know that this is a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender

luau?

No.

I didn't.

Back to that name.

You know, the offer still stands.

But you might want to hurry because my country could call me into service at

any moment.

As a matter of fact, I'm expecting a call from the President of the United

States. Oh!

There he is.

Hold that.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, sir.

It's me, sir.

That top secret?

Of course, sir.

You know you can count on me.

Yes, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

So, uh, is everything okay?

Yep.

Ship out in an hour.

Well, then I guess we better hurry.

That's good.

Yeah.

You little cocksucker.

You little cocksucker. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, stick that cock in his little... Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah, fuck it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Looking hard.

It's sweet, you can see.

Yeah.

Yeah,

yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh shit

Well, uh... I

guess I should be going.

Don't you even think about it.

Oh shit!

Shit!

Idiots! Me?

You're the one who tattled me!

You should have gone near my phone in the first place!

It was my- My secret mission!

But now you've upset my pristine ecosystem!

Would you shut up about your ecosystem?

Just get out!

Here.

I don't think that's gonna work anymore.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Oh my god.

Do you think he's dead?

No.

Good morning, everyone. I am agent J from the Washington field office. I'm

afraid I have some terrible news One of ours is missing agent X has disappeared

All we know is he left for an unknown destination and has not been heard of

since Friday afternoon All communication attempts have failed and we are forced

to use all of our resources at hand the search and rescue

Rachel, you need to get yourself together.

Did you hear them?

Terrorists?

What if they bomb the United States?

What if I find out I'm responsible?

I don't want to go to prison!

Rachel, get yourself together.

Ow!

Rachel, listen.

Did anybody else hear your conversation that you had with X?

No. Okay, good.

Now we're going to march back in there, and we're going to act as if we know

nothing. I don't want to go in there.

Do you want to be brought up in treason charges?

Have you ever been to prison?

Okay. Now we're going to go back in there and we're going to act as if we

know nothing until I come up with a plan.

You got that?

Shake your head yes that you got it. Good. Now let's go.

Rachel. Right. This way.

Rachel.

Now. Yes, yes.

Yeah,

so this is where the best place to catch crab is.

Toast.

Rachel, isn't it?

Maybe. May I have a word with you in private?

Hey, you.

Bring me a cup of coffee.

So, I understand that your agent X is a secretary.

Administrative assistant.

Right. Well, since you work so closely with him, I'm just a little curious if

you overheard anything strange the last few days.

Maybe notice anything out of the ordinary?

He didn't discuss anything with you?

Mention taking a trip?

Think hard.

Well, British intelligence have informed us of a possible terrorist threat.

This is not what we need right now with our biggest agent missing.

We're still waiting for more information to come in from the Brits.

I'm going to go check on some possible leads on Agent X. In the meantime, I

want you to sit next to the fax and call me the instant something comes in.

I'm depending on you.

Yes, sir.

I mean, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing still here?

Well, you didn't actually think I was going to leave you now, did you?

We have our problems and everything.

But in six years of marriage, have I ever let you down?

Seven.

We've been married seven years.

Seven years, four months, two days.

Come here.

Come on.

In here.

You know you don't have to wait with me.

I know.

But everybody's gone home for the day, and I figured I'd keep you some company.

You know?

Oh.

That feels good.

You like that?

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

What? I thought we could fool around.

At a time like this?

You insensitive prick.

What's wrong with you?

Great. Now I'm a prick.

Well, you know what?

You are a frigid bitch.

Fuck you.

No. Fuck you.

You can't really be serious about this. Oh, I'm serious.

George, wait.

Shouldn't we call someone, you know, for backup?

You saw the report.

There's no time.

The terrorists are going to bomb the U.S. in a couple of days. The British

agents are already en route.

Exactly why we should call for backup?

Why? So they can pass the assignment on to somebody else?

So I can get overlooked again?

Rachel, I'm fucking tired of getting coffee and dry cleaning.

So this is about you? No.

Well, maybe.

You selfish jerk.

I don't think risking my life for my government is selfish.

It's patriotic.

Besides, if you hadn't killed our top operative, I wouldn't be forced to do

this.

Fine. Well, I'm going with you.

No. No. No, you're not.

You said it yourself. I'm responsible, so I'm going. No way.

If you don't let me go, I'm telling.

Fine.

Yes. My first mission as an agent. You're not an agent. You're a secretary.

I am an administrative assistant.

Did you hear that?

Terrorist. I gotta call Washington.

You're not calling anyone, my dear.

It's me.

We've got a problem.

Oh, like it's gonna

work for you.

I don't even know how to code.

Why'd you do that?

Honey, you forget.

In addition to being able to type 87 words a minute, I can hack into

anything.

I'm impressed.

As you should be.

And you should be.

Grab the bag

George, I really don't think there's going to be time for fishing.

This isn't a fishing vest.

This is a high-tech, bite-enhancing super vest.

Right. You know, you don't have to make shit up, George.

Call me.

That's what I'm talking about.

Is that one of those penis extension things?

What? I'm feeling a little inferior.

Are you, George?

I'm surprised you even remember that.

What?

Touch.

Maybe a knife.

No,

it's all about me.

Back away from the weaponry.

No. George, I want a gun! No!

How the hell would you expect me to defend myself?

Satisfied?

You've got to be kidding me.

Listen, go to the house, pack a few things.

Essentials only.

I'm gonna go try and secure us a ride to the airport.

Something inconspicuous.

Try not to shoot yourself.

What is all this?

Essentials.

Kate, do you understand we're going undercover?

Yeah. That's why I need so many disguises. Duh.

Okay. You know what? Fine. Have it your way. I don't care. But I am not carrying

this luggage. Not one single piece.

Wait.

This is our inconspicuous ride?

No one's ever going to guess where we're going.

Just get in the van.

Fine. Get the bags.

I'm not getting the bags. George, bags.

I'm not getting the bags. George, get the fucking bags.

The falcon has left the nest.

Who is this?

The fox is in the hen house.

What?

The two idiots, they're on their way to you. Oh, why don't you say so, for God's

sake.

Okay, okay, here we go.

Capital of Finland.

Helsinki. No, no, no!

How many times do I have to tell you? Form it as a question.

What is Helsinki? Yes!

Offendi, please excuse the interruption, but the British are coming.

I know this one! Who is Paul Revere?

No, no, sir.

The British are coming now. Here, English agents. They're on to us.

Why don't you tell me this?

Uh... Okay.

Scout the area, find out where the infidels keep their camp, and destroy

them!

Yes, Effendi.

Well, if my plan to take over the world does not work, I always have plan B.

Plan B, sir?

Hey, can you move your thing? Can I see your tushy?

Can you move your thing out of the way, my little girl?

It's a great little thing.

Oh, that's an ass.

Whoa!

Survey says, I like it.

That's it. Fuck my asshole.

Just like that. She likes it deep.

This is why I'm going to be a bigger star. Yeah, okay.

Keep on saying that to yourself.

Fuck my asshole.

Yeah camera angle nice to my check

It's really hot out here.

You should put some sunscreen on, baby. Okay.

Agents! Shh!

I am Ahmed Abdul-Ajazeer Durka Durka Martinez Jr.

But you can call me Bob.

I'm your contact!

I'm going to take you to base camp, but we need to hurry up before we're seen.

I work with you guys in Agent X from the States all the time.

I've located the British agents.

Send three men to cut them off at the pass.

Take no prisoners.

Meet me back at the palace.

What a shithole.

Yes, Watson.

I don't see our bloody contact anywhere.

We're going to have to move fast.

Hostiles are everywhere.

We need some transport, Watson. Get us a ride.

Should I contact HQ, sir?

Nonsense. We move in as planned. Ah.

Now just get us a ride, would you?

What the... What the bloody... Where the bloody has he gone?

Watson, what the bloody hell are you doing over there?

Hello there. Do you speak English?

Alrighty then. Um, I will take the...

Grande Double Mocha with extra cream.

And do you have any muffins?

Guess not. You take credit cards.

Watson? Yes, sir? What on earth are you doing?

Having a coffee, sir. It's Sandbox.

Sandbox?

Good Lord.

Watson, it's a goat.

It's an indigenous species, sir.

Watson? Yes, sir? Where's the ride?

Sir? Yes?

If you look very close, I don't think there's any taxis.

Watson, just get us our bloody ride, would you?

Can I take my coffee, sir? No. Quick.

Got any donuts?

No, I said donuts!

Oh, shit.

Why was that?

Wait, guys.

My instincts.

They tell me there's danger your instincts, huh?

I don't see anything I Think your instincts are wrong

Virgins, here I come.

Sweetie. Oh my god.

That's awesome.

How did you do that?

Can we go now?

Yeah.

Honey, a little help?

Yeah.

You back, sweetie?

This had better be good.

Effendi, I have located the agents south of the palace, but these are different

from the rest.

They want us to know they are here.

It's like they are taunting us.

And I think they have the American agent with them.

Only he would be so bold.

I think his name is X.

Hold on a second.

Agent X is here.

And you're sure?

He took out some of our best men.

It's got to be him.

But we've captured a prisoner.

Find Abdul, tell him to double the guard watch and get out there. I want to know

everything they're doing. They take a shit, I want to know about it.

Okay, if they take a crap, I don't need to know about that. But anything else, I

want to know about. You understand?

And you interrogate the prisoner.

Okay?

Yes, sir.

Go.

This room is very beautiful.

It most certainly is, but not as beautiful as you.

Your beauty is as expansive as the desert.

You are like an oasis.

Do not fear my power.

What?

I don't know. My maid must have left this. Never mind.

Look into my eyes.

I want your passion.

Yes.

I'm very talented

Explain what?

That you have one of Hussein's concubines in my bed?

If he finds out, he'll cut off both our balls.

I will not tell.

You know what? Be gone with yourself.

Get out of here before someone sees you.

I should kick your ass, but I have no time.

Hussein needs us. Dress quickly.

Wait a minute.

Some of my cases are missing.

And where's Muffy?

Has anybody seen Muffy?

What's a Muffy?

Muffy's my baby.

We have to go find Muffy.

She can't be out in the desert all by herself.

Rachel, get a hold of yourself. We cannot go back.

All right? There's no way she'd survive the heat of the desert. She's a casualty

of war.

Hey, look, is this your shoe bag?

These are the new summer collection.

See? See how easily she forgot about Muffy?

You know, that could be me out there.

Not that she would know the difference.

Been married six years.

Seven.

Seven years.

Seven long years.

Watson,

this is not what I had in mind.

You've been on that damn thing all night, sir. Surely it's my turn to ride.

Soon, Watson, soon. Remember, there's hostiles everywhere.

I must keep a lookout.

Oh.

What is it? I think I see something in the distance.

Where? Look, a light southeast of our position.

Pass me my lens.

What do you see?

What is it?

don't quite know what so i can't make it out good god i think that he's gotten to

me man

It's really tight.

Hold on.

Stop! Identify yourselves!

Agents Jackson, Watson, British Intelligence. Now, where the hell were

you today? You could have cost us the mission, man.

What? I made my pickup. I don't understand.

What? The agents are... Yoo-hoo!

Who the hell are they? You?

What? Ooh, I like your camel.

Are you guys on a mission, too?

Identify yourself. Rank on agency.

Field Agent Z, head of command of CIA.

I'm sorry.

This is my husband, George.

He watches the mission files in our building. And I'm the director's

administrative assistant, Rachel.

You guys must be the British fellows who sent me the fax. Pleased to meet you

both. Good God, what on earth are you both doing here?

This is a Code Red top secret mission.

Not a sightseeing tour.

Okay, we'll take it from here. You two back in the camp while we'll do your

recon of the area at 0500 hours, okay?

Yes.

Stay close to your tents.

Oh. And don't get in our way. Hey, I think we can be of service.

Yeah.

Yes, I think you might.

Be a good man and go rust me up a nice cup of tea. I'm rather parched.

No. Honey, your reputation precedes you.

Shut up, Rachel.

So we're not really going to stay in our tent and let them have all the fun, are

we?

Yeah. Those limey bastards?

Who do they think they are? Secret agents or something?

Uh, they are.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I have an idea.

You know what we should do?

We should get that nerve gas that you had and put it in their tent.

And then after their sleep, we can go to the palace and steal the map to their

warehouse.

That's a great idea.

Why do I have to go gas them in the tent?

Because I thought you were the leader.

And if I was the leader, that's what I would do.

Yes, of course.

I knew that.

I was just testing you, and you did well.

I'm going to go prepare the equipment.

Who do you work for?

Tell me who sent you.

Where is the camp?

Your silence only angers me.

Oh, look at the will.

Dog, little dog.

Leave the prisoner with me.

Thank you.

Dismissed.

Look at the will, puppy wuppy.

You're so sweet, I think I'll name you Jihad.

Want to dance?

Sadat's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

With the Union Jack?

Yeah.

Ha ha ha!

Remember, the only way inside the palace office without setting off the alarm is

gonna be through the roof.

Once you're inside, the map is gonna be inside the desk.

Got it?

Got it.

Honey? How did you get in here?

Front door. It's unlocked.

I'm gonna find the office.

That was amazing.

Did you forget how flexible my body is?

Well, considering the fact that you never let me see it anymore, I've

forgotten quite a few things about your body.

Not now, George. Really.

I haven't told you.

Watson,

I feel like my head's been bashed in.

I think it was this, sir.

Those damned Americans.

They're gonna get us killed, Watson.

Think they're cowboys or something.

Too much television I'd say

What

the hell was you thinking

you're gonna get us all killed this is a game You do anything like that again,

and I'll you're what?

I'll be forced to kill you

I would like to see you try.

That smarts, doesn't it? Oh, you gotta watch her with that. She's like a ninja.

Anything you'd like to add?

We got the map.

Your what?

Well done.

So, we're a team now, right?

You want our help, you want our help.

Go ahead, say it, say it.

Yes, yes, we need your help.

Oh, and I also got you this.

On here you'll find all the reconnaissance photos to get you safely

into the palace.

Excellent work, my dear.

What the hell happened to you, man?

Oh, well, I had to take out a couple guards, too.

In fact, I killed them with my bare hands.

I got rid of the bodies, though. I dragged them far away.

They'll never be found, so, you know, you don't have to worry.

We'll come back on you.

Yes. Quite the hero he was.

Oh, good job, man.

I was wrong about you.

I thought you were just a pet rusher.

Well, we got lots of training to do. We have to go over the intel reports that

Rachel gathered.

Watson, that's one crafty bird, Watson.

I should say.

Nice.

You okay, Sam?

No, it's not okay.

Care for a cup of tea?

No, thank you.

I'm okay.

Okay, now listen up.

Me and Watson will take out the palace guards here and here.

Moving forward to the throne room and take out Hussein.

Rachel, George, take Bob's jeep.

Go to the warehouse.

Go to the warehouse and disarm the weapon by removing the uranium warhead.

Now, don't mess this up. Is everyone clear?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Watson, what are you doing?

Just something to remember our trip together. Good God, man. This is not a

bloody lad's holiday. This is a mission. Now move out.

Not that cheap.

It's almost paid off.

Thank you, Watson.

Listen, Watson.

We have the element of surprise on our side here. We can't go in guns blazing.

So get out your silencer and knife and your crock-fire and kill anyone you come

across.

Anyone. Yes, any one man if you want to get out this alive.

Is that clear?

Crystal?

Oh my god.

I've died and gone to heaven.

Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

What are you doing, man?

Have you forgot your training?

Hostile, sir.

Kill anyone I see. It's them or me. That's what you said.

Goodness me. Have you forgot what it is to be a British agent?

To protect our fine country, sir.

Oh, my God. No, no, no. To be licensed to kill.

And licensed to fuck the finest women the world has to offer.

Ah, so this is not the time to kill. No.

No, no, no.

This is time to...

What are you doing in these chambers? It is forbidden.

Megan's cream, I just know it.

Don't worry.

We would not alert the guards to the presence of our rescuers.

Rescuers? You are here to rescue us, aren't you? Of course we are. Yes, yes,

we're here to rescue. We're just glad you're all in one piece.

We have not seen men like you before.

We only see one man.

Well, that's nice, I guess.

Nice? Have you seen him?

Holy Jesus!

Ooh, nasty.

You see?

Well, yes, I do.

Well, we must be off if we're going to clear the palace. To rescue you, of

course. Wait!

You must do one thing for us before you leave.

You must pleasure us before you leave this place.

What? All of you?

My God, I did die and go to heaven.

Wow.

Bye.

This will sit on my British sausage

I love you.

oh yes

Oh shit.

Aw.

Ah!

There's hostiles on the road.

What are we going to do?

You know what? I have an idea.

I want to use the big gun.

Rachel, this is not a big gun. This is a rocket launcher.

Whatever it is, I want to use it. It's my turn. No. Yes.

Rachel, no.

Yes.

No.

If you don't let me use it, you're never going to see my naked body again.

Oh, and that's any different from now how?

I was just thinking, you know, it's really hot out here.

Looking at you.

How cute you look in your little desert camel outfit.

Really? Yeah.

You know, how much I want to touch your big, hard rocket.

See, George?

That's the problem with you.

Always premature.

Rachel, shut up. Come on. Let's get out of here.

On way.

I think we should try to make it to the door.

Maybe it's unlocked.

Come on, hop with me.

Ready?

What are you doing?

I think we should go by the window and yell for help, okay?

George, that's a stupid idea.

Come on, this way.

No, this way.

This way.

This way.

This way.

No. This way.

Oh, fuck. Oh, God.

You idiot.

I can't believe you blew up Bob's Jeep.

Me? Me?

I can't fucking believe I brought you on this mission.

After six years of marriage, you think I'd learn my lesson.

But no.

My dumbass brings your dumbass halfway around the world so you can make me look

like a bigger dumbass.

Unbelievable Wow little pent-up aren't you you think?

Can a man just get a little head just a little just a little sucky sucky a

blowjob here and there Have you lost your mind are you crazy

we're in this mess because you blew up the Jeep This was your

Blah, blah, blah.

If you weren't busy molesting the rocket launcher, I wouldn't have accidentally

set it off.

Are you kidding me?

Rachel,

do you have any idea how hard it is to be married to a beautiful woman like you

and having guys constantly vying for your attention, trying to impress you?

I know you want to be with a successful man, like Agent X.

And on top of that,

you know, every day I still want you just as bad and just as passionately as

the first day I laid eyes on you.

And you don't seem to want me, to

want me at all.

It's not true, George.

You're just... You're obsessed with your job and...

Getting a mission.

It's... It's like I'm not important to you anymore.

Don't you get it?

It's because you're important to me.

That I want a mission. That I want to keep my head buried in the work.

I want you to be proud of me. I want you to be proud walking around with me.

Baby, I am proud of you.

You mean that?

Yeah, of course.

I love you.

I love you too.

How very touching.

Agent M?

Don't look so shocked.

And it's Miranda.

But why?

Money, why else?

Come, I've brought the coordinates to the White House.

I'll deal with these lovebirds later.

I always thought she was kind of a bitch.

Yeah, she had big monstrous feet too.

I hope the Brits are having better luck than us.

Sir? What is it, Watson?

We're gonna need a damn good plan to get past Hussein's guards.

Yes, Watson.

I'm on it.

I have an idea.

Why are you fidgeting? Trust me.

I know that sound.

What is that?

Did you mean what you said?

Of course I did.

We're still gonna stop them though.

I know.

Alright, I'm gonna disarm the Bob.

You create a diversion.

Okay. Okay?

Rachel, can I thank you?

Amen.

Oh shit.

Hi.

Just looking for the ladies room.

I tell you Gamouche, donkey fucking will become a sport.

Baba Li, it will never become a sport. Who in their right mind... would pay

good money to see such a thing when you know that horses are so much more

entertaining. Horses are entertaining.

She's never gonna work.

Have some faith, man. Have some faith?

I didn't become an agent to run around in ladies' underpants.

What do we have here?

I have two new concubines for His Highness.

I'm thinking I like this one.

It's strong like ox.

How dare you touch Hussein's property.

He would cut your hand off for showing such disrespect.

Now, step aside and let us move.

What were you thinking?

That was for me?

For you, what are you talking about? You look like every other guard here.

I am a very handsome man. I have a nice physique.

Maybe you were right.

Let's go back to our post.

Okay.

Who's my little jihad?

Who's my little jihad? Come on. A kiss to Papa.

Come on. Don't be shy. There you go.

Oh, look at your cutie.

Hello. What's this?

I have brought two new wives for you.

Two wives for me?

Jake, you shouldn't have.

Is this in honor of my birthday next week?

What took you so long?

Gather the girls and meet me up front.

Where'd he go?

pretty nice

Silly American fashion.

I am mistress Joan.

Well hello to you sexy lady.

Come to Jafar.

Come on.

Move that out of my way.

So, I hear you've been a bad guy.

You do not scare me. Really? I am Jafar.

Really?

How about now? A little.

A little?

A little.

Are you going to do what I tell you to?

Yes. I hope so, or I have to punish you.

Let's see what we got here.

Sounds like fun for me.

Oh, look, I'm here.

There's your face in here.

You gonna fuck me good?

Yes.

I hope so.

A little bit.

Why don't you start waiting right beside me? Shall we look into it?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm

sorry.

I have to squeeze my tits I have to squeeze them hard

Thank you.

Send it to me.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Can you see me?

oh oh

Here. Here.

Treat your father.

That's right. Treat your father.

Come on.

God.

Done.

Oh.

Fuck you.

You asked for a distraction.

I'd say they're pretty fucking distracting.

Yeah, I'll give you that.

So, I found the bomb. I defused it.

And I found a room full of jeeps.

What? I left the bag here. I knew I did.

George. Perhaps you're looking for this.

Oh, no.

Rachel, get down!

George!

Rachel, get me the vest, please.

Now that's going to leave him off.

I'm sorry,

but I don't think it's such a good time for fishing

I told you these vests are cool.

Are you okay?

I'm okay. Are you okay?

I'm okay.

You wouldn't shoot an unarmed woman, would

you?

I would never do that.

I'm gonna use my bare hands so I can feel it.

You bitch!

It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

And scariest too.

You okay? Yeah, you okay?

Yeah.

I'm an idiot, miss. I gotta have you now.

Wait. I thought you said you disarmed that thing. I did. I took the plutonium

out. It'll still launch. It just won't detonate on impact.

Well, it's big enough to do some serious fucking damage.

And it ain't right for the White House.

God damn it!

You can't call it back now. It's too late.

No, but I can change the coordinates.

Please tell me that it's going to land in the middle of the ocean.

Nope.

I said more head, not war head.

Hey, boy.

Come on, Jihad.

Come on.

Freeze!

Where am I going to go?

I don't think he's going anywhere, sir.

Thank you, Watson.

End of the road for you, Hussain.

It's alright, I got it in here, boys.

Time to be left professionals.

This guy is mine.

This guy belongs to Mutt the Bounty Hunter.

Who the hell are you?

I told you. I'm Mutt the Bounty Hunter.

Hell no.

What's wrong? You're standing on my foot.

Congratulations on becoming an agent, Rachel.

I always knew you had it in you.

Sir, we thought you were dead.

Nonsense. Oh, it was very scary, really.

Then, without warning, a coconut hits him in the head out of nowhere.

He was unconscious for four days.

And when he came to, he couldn't remember a thing.

Oh.

I was so worried for him.

And coconut.

Sir.

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, and congratulations, Agent Z.

Thank you.

Agent A.

Hey, no hard feelings.

Okay. Let's get this party started.

You ready to get out of here? I thought you'd never ask.

God!

Hmm.

you

Oh, my God, I missed that part.

I missed it.

I fucking missed it.

I fucking missed it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Thank God.

out to her thighs she's going undercover for

the first time in her life all the girls are extra horny it's

operation desert stormy in a world that's full

of spies when you can't tell the truth from the lies and if you make one

mistake