Original subtitles

Hey hun, so I know it's not quite your birthday yet, but,

uh, I thought I'd give you a little

heads up on your big birthday surprise.

May or may not be something you've been

talkin' about for years so...

[gasp] No! Stop! Story World?!

Oh Mark, I never thought you'd actually do this! Ah!

Uh... Yeah! That's exactly right.

I'm taken the whole family to... Story World.

Wha...?

Oh my God! Mark! Yes!

Sick! I hear the new Jack and the Beanstalk ride goes hard.

Oh, I'm so excited!

You know, I haven't been since my eighth birthday!

My sister and I got in such a bad fight

that Hansel and Gretel had to physically restrain us.

I always wished we could do it over again.

Story World is the most over-priced place on Earth.

The only thing there that's worth a damn are those

succulent, delicious turkey legs. Mm!

How are you paying for this? You haven't had a job in years.

Pfft, yeah, because I don't need one, okay.

I am a pioneer of the post-work lifestyle.

Do you even have a savings account?

Okay, please, Mom.

I actually have a very diverse investment portfolio.

I got IRAs, I got High Yield PDFs,

I got emerging memecoins, okay you name it.

Oh really? How 'bout you take

Tammy's sister while you're at it, Jeff Bezos?

You know what? That is a great idea, Mom.

In fact, I'll do you one better: I'm taking her "Whole Family."

Tammy, you and Renee are getting that do-over.

Seriously, Mark?! Oh, that would mean the world to me.

Hey, anything for you, babe.

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

♪ Well, I used to work in a hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

[sigh] Look at us, Renee. Back at Story World

after all these years. We're doing it right this time.

I gotta say, this is pretty frickin' cool of Mark

to take us. Place ain't cheap.

Hey, it's my pleasure okay. As Warren Buffet once said,

what's a better investment than happy memories?

Well, you're certainly not investing in pants.

You know, Ray's happy to chip in if you need it.

He's been making a little fun money selling

custom taxidermy mounts on Specimen Exchange.

It's a labor of love.

Did you hear that, Mark?

Maybe you won't have to sell a kidney after all.

Yo, would you knock it off, Mom okay?

You think I can't afford to take my family to an

amusement park. This is a drop in a bucket.

Hey Uncle Mark,

Can we get Turbo Passes so we can skip the lines?

Uh... yep. Yep. No problem.

You guys go nuts, alright?

You guys wanna do the Humpty Dumpty Scrambler?

Nah. That stuff's for kids.

That's the only ride I care about.

Whoa!

"Fee-Fi-Freefall."

The only legit thrill ride in the park.

Oh my God! it's Cinderella!

Relax, doll. It's a failed actress, not the Pope.

Oh ho, I'm sorry.

You know, this place just brings out the little girl inside me.

I used to be "Obsessed" with the princesses.

Last time we were here, my parents got me a princess

makeover for my birthday... but, eh, then my

sister threw a fit and it never happened.

Mark should have just bought you therapy.

It would have been cheaper.

Nah! It's water under the bridge!

Who cares about some dumb Princess thing

from 30 years ago? We're totally different people now.

Clearly.

- Sorry, Ma'am. No knives in the park.

It's a debridement blade!

To scrape the dead tissue off my cronic in-growns okay!

Oh, Renee! Ha ha! Gotta love her.

Hey Sis! maybe just leave it with 'em and we'll

pick it up on the way out!

Dr. Dadiglia said if I don't scrape twice a day,

my toe will get infected. What, d' ya want me going

septic on Little Miss Muffet's Twirling Tuffetts?

Well, you two have fun. I'm goin' to get a turkey leg.

You're covering food, right, Moneybags?

Pfft. Of course I am. And drinks. Well, soft drinks.

You guys can get going. I'll wait for her.

You sure, Tam? I mean, this is your special day.

Yeah, I really don't mind.

Alright, uh see you later then.

- Ooh! Let's go ride the Candy Train!

Sorry, Tam. They're calling my podiatrist!

Take your time, hon!

What do you mean he's gotta be "licensed?!"

One big, fat, juicy turkey leg please.

Sorry, we don't sell those anymore.

What?! That's the only thing in this park that's worth a damn.

Supplier shortage.

But there's still some available at the Royal Court Buffet.

Royal Court Buffet? Well where the hell's that?

Oh, the Enchanted Palace. But it's only for guests who

purchased the Platinum Princess Makeover Package at

Zippity Zappity Zhuzh.

Princess Makeover eh? Hmm...

Oh my God, Turbo Passes are $500?

It's ridiculous. What a racket.

Did you know, there's a member's-only lounge

underneath Fableland called "The Forbidden Orchard?"

It's the only place in the park that sells alcohol.

[whispering] Among other indulgences.

So uh, how do you know so much about Story World?

I'm an active member of "Park Unseen,"

an online forum that discusses the secrets of Story World.

Do you wanna hear another fun fact?

[together] No./Yeah!

Did you know that when Alan Quatermain's Big Game

Boat Cruise first opened, a guest leaned over to pet the

mechanical hippo and it clamped down on his arm for

over an hour? They ended up having to amputate.

Uh, I'm not exactly sure what's "Fun" about that fact but...

Oh, there's more. Apparently Story World quietly paid the

family a million dollars and now all the animals have foam teeth.

Huh... yo, that's it!

Yo Hank, okay. Take your phone out okay

I want you to film me getting injured.

Uh... I'm happy to chip in if you, like uh,

need help paying or something.

Hank, come on. It's not about me, okay.

I can totally afford this, no problem.

This place has been bleeding families dry for decades

because they know that every parent's gotta shell out for

a kid's dream.

So we are gonna give 'em a little taste of their

own medicine, Robin Hood style.

Take from the rich and give to the... to me.

Oh, that won't be easy.

The safety standards here are second-to-none.

We'll see about that.

Agh!

[groaning]

Ah, come on! [bling]

Oh my- Seriously? Who to hell just spent 150 bucks

on Georgie Porgie Commeritive Puddin' noggins?!

Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!

[chuckling] You guys scared?

No.

Pfft, I spar with off-duty cops at my dojo.

Greetings travelers! If up the beanstalk

you wish to go, you must be taller than the giant's toe!

Seriously, bro? I'm fourteen.

Oooh! Sorry, guys, you're just below, but do not fret for

for soon you'll grow!

[sigh]

[laughting] That was a riot.

Totally! Super fun! Even the, uh culturally insensitive parts.

Oh, you mean like when the cannibals with the coconuts

on their head jump outta the bushes and shake their spears

and then the guide shoots the witch doctor and yells,

"Looks like the doctor's out!!"

Oh man, that was the best part, are you kidding!

Hey Rumpelstiltskin's Rapids next?!

Okay, sure. Let's do it.

'K. Just gotta pop into that apothecary to grab some

anti-chafing wipes.

Okay. Do your thing. I'll be right here.

Are you having the best birthday ever?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

We're having a real nice time together.

That's good. I just wanna make sure you're doing

something for yourself.

You know, like that princess makeover you've been

obsessing on your whole life?

Oh, wow. No, that's okay.

I-I know how excited Renee is to do the Rumpelstiltskin

ride with me.

I mean, it's not like it's your birthday or nothin'.

I'm sure you'll get another chance once Mark

gets out of debtor's prison.

Got us Turbo Passes for the Rapids!

Uh... Um... Actually Renee. I- I think I'm gonna do

a princess makeover.

What? Oh, okay.

Hey, if that's what you wanna do, then you should

totally do that! Yeah. Hey, it's your birthday.

Okay! Thank you!

I'll meet you at Rumpelstiltskin as soon as I'm done.

Greetings!

How may I fulfill your royal dreams today?

One princess makeover, please. The platinum package.

And who is the little princess who will be receiving

the magical makeover today?

Um... me.

Ohhh... Yeah, so our makeovers are designed for

for princesses ten and under...

Good, she's nine. Genetic condition.

Pituitary gland the size of a walnut.

I see.

Katie?! See if we have any more

"early bloomer" dresses in the back?

Ha-ha.

[ding]

I gotta say, Mark, uh, this hot dog isn't so bad for 30 bucks.

Dude, this place is taking me to frickin' cleaners.

Alright, no more messing around.

I'm getting my injury settlement.

Ugh! [Ding] Dah!

Ugh! [Ding] Dah!

Ugh! [Ding]

Ughh! Damnit.

[sigh] What do you think?

Stunning. You put those other girls to shame.

[sigh] Thanks, Rhoda. This was really special.

Alright, well, I'm gonna go meet Renee

at Rumpelstiltskin's Rapids.

You can't get filthy river water all over that beautiful gown!

Well, I promised her--

You've been waiting your whole life to be a princess and now

you're just gonna turn right back into a pumpkin?

Y- You should be waited on hand and foot...

right over there... at the Royal Court Buffet.

That is tempting, but Renee was really nice

about letting me do this.

Was she? From where I stood,

she looked like she swallowed a lemon.

You're a nurse-- you take care of everyone all day,

then go home to take care of a child... and Darren.

When's it your turn?

Hmm. Alright.

You text my sister. Tell her the princess will be delayed.

Greetings travelers! If up the beanstalk you wish

to go, you must--

Wait... aren't you the kids from earlier?

What? A- Are you mad?!

We're three, average-sized European adults.

Yeah. Can a kid do this?

Off! Ah! Security!

What the hell, Envy?!

I was aiming for the soda!

- Over there. - Hey, you! Don't move!

Oh no! Run!

Shhh! They're coming.

Whoa. Check it out!

What ride is this?

Must be how employees get around.

Whoa.

[deep breath] Oh, baby. Mama needs her meat club.

Hey, uh, Cinderella! I gotta get you over to the

Enchanted Castle to get ready for the princess parade.

You're the featured princess today.

Oh, she's not actually a real-

The parade? I'm the "Featured" Princess.

Yes, Your Highness. I need you there early to get prepped.

Do you hear that?! They think I'm real!

I'm going to be in the actual Princess parade!

But... you can't-- I-- What about the buffet?

Oh, who cares about the buffet? This is my once-in-a-lifetime

chance to be a "Real" princess!

You're not a "Real" princess! You're a grown woman

in a kid's costume. This is getting a little ridiculous.

Ugh. How "Dare" you speak to royalty that way?

Uh, hey, M'lady, uh, we really gotta go.

Coming!

Sorry, ma'am. Hah. No more pictures.

[electric cart]

I'm with them! [door slam]

I'm screwed, dude. This place is air tight.

Zero liability.

Fun fact.

Ah! Yo you need to be wearing one of those

bells they put on cats, dude.

Legend has it that late at night, Walt Story would sneak

into the rides and do unspeakable things to the

animatronics on Greenbeard's High Seas Adventure.

Oh, man.

Alright dude you know, not every "Fun" fact needs to be shared.

He was particularly fond of Greenbeard, and even had his

engineers give him realistic, fully functional genitalia.

Oh man. So like, does he still have, uh... those parts?

Oh yeah. There is more than just booty underneath his britches.

Oh my God, wait a minute. Yo that's it!

All we got to do is get pictures of Greenbeard's ding-dong,

and then we can blackmail the crap outta this place.

Mark, if I'm not mistaken, it sounds like you're

cooking up some hysterical hijinx.

Hell yeah, dude. You want in?

You bet I do.

[sigh]

There's my girl!

- Hi. - What's the matter?

You look like you're about to commit seppuku with that

toe nail machete.

Ah nah nah, Tammy was supposed to do this ride with me so...

I know. I told her that!

I was like, "Hun, you promised Renee!" but that tiara got to

her brain and she ditched me to to go play make-believe

with the park princesses.

Heh, welcome to the club.

She was always the princess and I was always the frog.

Never wanted to hang out with her older sister,

only her pretty "softball" friends.

Mmm. Sounds like you're the one

who deserves a princess experience.

Yeah, no thanks. I'm more of the "evil stepsister" type.

I think that can be arranged...

Sinister never looked so stunning.

I never liked princesses anyway.

[evil laugh] Alright, let's go eat!

Yo. We're right under Fee-Fi-Freefall.

Check it out.

[bleep]

[whispering] Come on, come on!

♪ [club] ♪

What the hell?

Whoa. I'm gonna get so many autographs.

♪ Yo ho ho ho, we are pirate guys... ♪

Yo, where the hell is Greenbeard?

Uh oh. Boat's comin'.

♪ Yo ho ho ho, join us for some fun. ♪

That one is so fake.

♪ We ain't got much but we sure got rum. ♪

♪ Yo ho ho ho. ♪

That was terriffic, Hank. You almost fooled me.

Ho ho ho!

Green is the land!

Green is the sea!

All ye treasures belong to me! Hahahaha!

So, uh, which one is Greenbeard?

Now, be careful.

Okay, the props are wired with sensors

that trigger a silent alarm.

Oh crap.

[alarm]

What's going on?

Motion sensor. Greenbeard's High Seas Adventure.

[camera microphone] Ugh, come on, ugh.

Show me your wiener, dude. Come on-- Let me see--

Oh my God. it's happening.

Call Nutcracker and tell them we've got a Code Pinocchio.

Code Pinocchio?

The animatronics have achieved, sentience...

Ah! Ah! Oh my God. How I've missed you!

These are the only things that scratch my

dopamine itch since I quit smoking.

Hey, you wanna take some pictures of me

riding on the Crooked Carousel?

Nah. I'm good.

Ooooh this is so fun!

What the hell man?!

These things frickin' welded on?

Attention, buccaneers! We've temporarily dropped anchor.

Please remain seated and our

voyage shall continue momentarily.

Uh...

Freeze, wireheads! Move and your scrap metal.

Oh my god I can't wait to post this on the boards.

Oh my God, you're the new Cinderella!

Are you so excited for your first parade?!

Yes! Oh, I can't believe! I'm a real Story World princess!

This is a dream come true!

You're "So" brave doing this at your age though!

Like, you're a princess but you're also a queen.

[giggles] It's super inspiring to all of us.

Yeah... you're giving off a really strong aura right now.

It's like... sparkly but also wise!

[gate crashes open]

There you are!

[gasp] Ew!

The villains are always super jealous of the princesses.

Like, it's sad but it's also just annoying.

Renee?! Why are you dressed like that?

Because "Someone" took the last big girl princess dress...

"Again."

You really ditched your own sister

to hang out with these ditzes?!

That's rude. I literally have my own wellness brand!

You're really gonna ruin "Another" birthday for me?!

It's "Always" gotta be about you, doesn't it?

I thought you actually "Changed."

I was waiting "Hours" for you.

"God Forbid" I do one thing for myself!

The thing I wanted my whole life that you "Ruined."

Oh, get over yourself!

[gasp] Get out!

Ah!

- Oh Renee! - Oh my gosh!

Wait a minute!

Princess dresses have Kevler-blend core threading!

They don't rip like that. She's wearing "Standard" satin!

Oh my god!

She's not a real princess. She's a weirdo fangirl!

Everyone on the float, now! Go go go go go!

No!

They just... left me.

Welcome to my childhood.

Is this how you felt?

When Mom got me the princess makeover?

I wanted to do rides together, but all you cared about was

your princess makeover?

So i figured well, maybe i could be a princess too, just once.

But there was only one dress left for "bigger girls" and

It was your birthday, so of course you got it.

But all that mattered to me was that

my mom and dad's little princess

was now becoming a "Real" princess

and I was still just...

Renee.

Huh. I'm sorry.

I thought you'd just ruined it out of spite...

I mean, I did.

[chuckles] I forgive you.

I'm sorry about today.

Can't believe I ditched my own sister to live out

some stupid childhood fantasy.

I'm not the princess, I'm the Evil Queen.

Oh please. You deserve to be on that

float way more than those professional idiots.

Hop on. There's one last ride I wanna do together.

I'm getting you on that float if it's the last thing I do...

and it just might be 'cause I'm getting an infection in my toe.

Whoa!

Bro! They have unlimited snacks!

This place is GOATED!

Hey. you wanna go to the VIP room and sit on my tuffet?

Whoa, is he getting a private sing-along?

Hm. Something like that. Wait a second...

Oh no.

You have names, I understand. You've named yourselves?

Uh... no I think, uh, my mom named me but...

If I had known what you would become,

I would have given you a handsome face.

Uh... thanks?

Ugh, alright listen dude, okay, for the nine millionth time,

we're not robots, okay. We're Homo sapiens, okay

We were just "Pretending" to be part of the ride

so we could get a video of Greenbeard's dong.

Ah interesting. You've become gay.

Wait what? No.

We're just trying to blackmail you guys to pay for

how stupidly expensive this place is. I mean seriously,

all these poor moms and dads save up all year to take

their kids to Story World, only to find out they're

gonna be waiting in line all day because they can't afford the

frickin' Turbo Passes? It's ridiculous.

It's uncanny. You've absorbed the

frustrations of every visitor to the park.

Oh my gah- ugh!

You've even adopted some kind of annoying accent.

Is that Baltimore?

No dude, it's like the Philly area.

Hmm. Well, that's unfortunate.

I can fix that for you if you'd like.

No I'm good, okay Can we just wrap this up?

Are we going to jail or what?

Jail? No, no, no.

You've spent the entirety of your existence in captivity.

I'm here to set you free.

Go, live your lives. Explore. Create. Love.

Oh uh... nice dude. Uh, appreciate that.

I'll just need one of you to stay back so I

can cut open your head and see your hard drive.

Mark! Did you hear that?!

He's gonna cut open your head.

You can definitely sue the park for that.

Hmm... good point, Hank.

Oh ah. Actually, Ray, that's all you, bud.

Uh... was there another guy with us?

Oh, yes.

Unfortunately, he did not pass the

Turing test, so we re-mounted him.

Hey. Fun fact.

Did you know that the dress in Miss Havershim's Bridal Shoppe

once belonged to Walt Story's Great Aunt

who died on the Titanic?

Oooooh!/Oh! That guy got yeated!

Are they even in the same story?

Is this like a promotional crossover or something?

TS4 to Toy Box. We got a Code Nutcracker at the parade.

Ugh! I knew I should have confiscated that.

Idiot! I'm an idiot!

There! Princess float!

Floor it, honey!

It's a mobility scooter. It "Is" floored.

Hey! Freeze! Don't move! Get on the ground, now!

[ooouf]

Welp. Kicked out of the park again...

and it was totally worth it!

I know right?!

That was way more fun than the Rumpelstiltskin ride.

Honestly, this was the best birthday ever.

Did some rides, got my princess makeover, and then got

kicked out of the park with my sister.

And we got these sweet free souvenir pictures.

Heh. Good times.

Ugh. The hell is taking them so long? [burp]

Those Turkey legs are running through me like a hot

knife through gravy. [stomach rumbles]

I also must use the potty.

[phone] Oh here's more.

Hey, hun. What's your status?

Yeah we'll be there in like, uh 20 minutes or so.

I'm just uh... settling the bill.

Oh, you don't need to worry about that.

Everything's already paid for!

Wait. What are you talking about?

Darren and the kids paid for the whole trip.

Wait, are you serious?!

Wha- How the hell they do that?

I dunno... They won't tell me.

We can't. We had to sign an NDA.

You got to be frickin' kidding me.

Huh. Your brain looks human, but I've never seen one so smooth.

Remarkable.