Original subtitles

He's perfect.

Even worse, I think

he's a demon from hell.

I have the worst luck when it comes to guys.

This guy took over my life with a cup of iced coffee.

A year ago. I threw my back out trying to do a death drop.

I wasn't even gonna post it anywhere.

I was just wondering if I could do it.

Turns out like parallel parking

or doing my own taxes without having a five alarm panic

attack, I cannot.

He lived next door and as I recovered,

he brought me immaculate trays of food.

And this iced coffee

that he said would shrink my healing period by a week.

And you know what

It did? I

Couldn't get enough.

It smelled like lavender and tasted like world peace.

He was a horticulturist by trade

and insisted this varietal was grown from a rare coffee

cherry that only he

and two other people on two other continents knew

about bootleg coffee.

What a badass.

To maximize its healing power,

he'd insist on boiling the water

to a perfect 206 degrees Fahrenheit, no more, no less.

Once brewed, he cooled it to a precise 39.

One time he couldn't find the thermometer

and refused to brew a pot without it.

I quickly learned it wasn't just the iced coffee,

he dialed everything to perfection.

He'd take me on dates that were unexpected yet unfussy.

I found the sex otherworldly. Yep, sincere.

Even his sleeping style comprised the perfect ratio

of spooning solo time.

It's like he was inside my brain and for my every whim

and preference, he knew the magical degree

between too little and far too much.

His perfection was perfect

until we moved in together.

The more we poured into each other's lives,

the more he cemented himself as the great knower of things.

He'd remember my niece's birthdays when

he'd never even met them.

He knew the causes and consequences

of every important revolution in history,

even though I never caught him with his nose.

In the book one time he explained to me

what the f**k blockchain was in terms I actually understood,

stood and

that's when it stopped being fun for me.

I woke up every morning, greeted by his sterling mind,

butted up against my sloppy attempts at existence.

My basic b***h of a brain plagued

by a constant hum of anxiety.

I'd lose sleep and the more I lost sleep,

the more he would perk me up with the iced coffee.

Always with the iced coffee. He was perfect.

I was miserable. My therapist, Dr.

Hosner, told me I had trouble opening my heart to love

thanks in no small part to my stoic and homophobic parents.

Once when I was seven, they grounded me for a month.

When I wore pink socks to school

when he was seven, he came out.

As he tells it, his parents hugged him

tight and threw him a party.

The whole neighborhood came. They rented bouncy castles.

The local baker made a cake, not just colored,

but shaped like a rainbow.

A therapist, Dr. Hosner amused.

Is it possible that I love him and that I loathe him?

'cause he represents everything that I'm not

sent chills down my spine.

How dare she attack my relationship? How dare she attack me?

I promptly left her and vowed never to return.

I called my brother. I knew he'd listen.

He spends all day in our aunt's basement.

So I knew he'd have the time.

I mentioned a throwaway detail. He stopped me.

What kind of coffee he asked? I don't know.

Find out. He said.

The label just says Grca.

Oh Bro, that's bad.

He tells me that according to legend,

he ancient demon uses a small cherry fruit known as Grca

or the coffee bean contained therein

to prepare his victims for harvest.

I ask him how he knows this, the boards he says,

granted my brother tends

to fall into some pretty infinite rabbit holes.

But still I found a PDF

of a 15th century text.

The demon feeds gr to its prey

to sweeten its brain like a butcher, fattens a cow.

After there's time, he collects the brain and eats it.

The demon has one eternal quest

to become the most perfect being in all

worlds More.

I thought about it, the more it all made sense.

Like a saying. You find a fortune cookie

that you first ridicule,

then you keep in your wallet for years.

Why else would his home repair skills,

his spider killing skills, his propensity

for leaving cute life-affirming notes drive me insane.

Not because my supposed feelings

of inadequacy have left my heart closed to love.

F**k you, Dr. Hosner.

He's a demon from hell who feeds me iced coffee so

that he can harvest my brain, making himself

that much more perfect while I rot away into a nub.

There's a line between dreaming up a monster

and finding its food in your kitchen.

Enough

a year's time, a one year anniversary.

This was it. Now or never?

I had to end him before he ended me.

Two words. I just couldn't.

That's three words. You get it?

I told him everything.

The ancient text, the rat poison the brain.

A horse sprain. He said for his job,

he said we could call his boss.

He said,

Ah, Maybe.

Maybe this all did stem from my inability

to carry his perfection.

For someone who just learned that his boyfriend tried

to kill him, he took it well.

He said he is not perfect at all.

He reminded me of all the ways he found me perfect.

How I pick up stray litter, even if I have

to chase it down the street.

How I cry for tangled reasons.

Whenever I see a zoo animal,

how I volunteer on weekends at the hospital,

which I admit is just for the free mac

and cheese, he suggested we both see Dr.

Hosner and ask her how

to let a little more imperfection seep into our lives.

And for his part, he'd start

by putting away the thermometer.

Then he looked me in the eyes

and said, we hold each other on pedestals equally tall.

We need to hold onto each other for balance.

It was honestly the most perfect thing he could have said.

He said he'd make us a drink to calm down, not iced coffee.

And we had enough of that. A hot toddy

sounded like just a thing.

The dust seemed to waft down at last.

Maybe I'd finally begin to enjoy this relationship,

But then I saw it

and I knew what I had to do.

Minute. Get a minute of

I'm never gonna my side try.

But I guess I get to keep my head on

Gives try for Sure.

I have dust my,

because I didn't see the

Hands. Hands

yourself.

You do Like

I like it.

You know, you, you know you do.

Can

I just come here?

You sure

this,

He was pretty tired from being on the tour.

Busle. Hey. Oh yeah, totally.

I love you. I love you.

This has been the longest

five months of my life without you.

It's okay. You gotta go on tour. I f**k.

I support your music career. Yeah.

Turning has been great for the band,

but being away from you has been, oh god.

You feel amazing.

Can you uh, turn around? Oh, uh, can we not?

Yeah. Uh, of course. I just don't really like it.

I totally get it. I just wanna make you feel good, baby.

You're just like that.

Oh, I've missed you. I missed you. I love you.

I love you.

Are you? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Just stay right there.

Yeah.

I hope that was okay. Of course.

I love Can I um, use your bathroom? Uh, yeah. Yeah.

It's right over. Okay. I'm just gonna, I'm sorry.

What are you up to tonight? I'm gonna see

my boyfriend. Oh,

Boyfriend. You

know my live in boyfriend.

Oh, there goes Sarah.

I think we're gonna have to find a new

spot to fight out and eat lunch.

Hold on. We tell each other everything.

And this is the first time hearing about a boyfriend.

Okay. Alright. So I was talking

to this really hot guy last week

and we talked about role play.

Aren't you usually a bit more relationship oriented?

I am, but uh, Got it.

We talked about different kinds of role play,

pizza delivery guy, Batman

and Robin, you know, the classics.

And he suggested boyfriends.

And I was like, okay, how does that even work?

And he was like, you know, we could pretend we're in love

and we lived together and create a whole backstory.

And I was like, okay.

Like that sounds fun, but does that make us pathetic?

And he was like, oh, well we don't have to do it.

And I was like, now hold on. I didn't say no.

Wow. Just,

Wow. It sounds

hot and all, but

Do you think it's a good idea?

That was so hot.

Yeah, it was. Uh, certainly something.

We should do it again. Yeah,

Yeah, Yeah.

We should.

Except maybe next time I, I can be a doctor

and you can be a patient or a nurse.

It is looking like it's going to be a long night.

We won't get home before daylight. They close down the road.

That's lonely bound. So we're taking a long way round.

Yeah, we're taking the wrong way around.

We've been out on this country highway before now.

The shortcut is a detail.

There's rest for the weary I have found waiting for us.

The long way around.

Well, we'd both be home.

I'm with you for all. Yes.

I'd rather be here instead.