Original subtitles

At the first half of the 20th century, scientists in the New Mexico desert

aimed at the stars with primitive rockets in man's first attempt to

conquer space.

Astronomers at Mount Palomar Observatory in Southern California Constantly search

the heavens, trying to learn secrets hidden from mankind by enormous

distances in time and space.

Just what are these other worlds?

Why are they there?

And who made them?

What life exists out there among the stars?

Life nearer the creator, or life menacingly dangerous?

The planet Mars, an ancient and desolate world whose water and oxygen are nearly

exhausted, is incapable of supporting human life on its bleak and barren

terrain. But beneath the surface of this dying planet exists a highly advanced

intelligence, evil and sinister in design, and whose very existence has

been hidden from us.

Good night, crawlers. It's five minutes till midnight and time for the local

news. Excited residents of Long Beach reported a strange saucer-shaped object

heading inland at supersonic speed.

Authorities at Edwards Air Force Base were quick to deny that it was a new

secret plane and probably just a flying saucer. In a related incident just about

an hour ago, teenagers in Griffith Park reported a strange, smelly, tuna-scented

monster that scattered picnickers and ate a pet poodle.

This is Jungle Jim Zippo taking you back to the stacks. Rock until 3 in the

morning with that new hit, Saturday Night.

I got the feeling that the timing is right. I wonder if she'll put up a

fight. Paying my baby at the movies on Saturday night.

I'm the kind of guy who likes quick cars.

Rock and roll, record sweater, girls from Mars. That's all I need, I'll be

doing alright.

Especially if those sweaters are tight.

Rocking and rolling at the movies on Saturday night.

Yeah, hot Saturday.

Saturday night is the night to get crazy.

Saturday night is the night for the show.

Saturday night is the midnight movie.

Saturday night, come on, baby, let's go.

Let's stop by the snack bar. I got something to eat.

The show starts at $12. Get a casino.

Me on the aisle and my girl on the right. Go for the good. It's when they

turn out the lights.

Me and my baby at the movies on Saturday night.

Wow!

Saturday night to get crazy.

Saturday night and it's time for the show.

Saturday night on the midnight movie. Saturday night, come on family, let's

go. When the weekend comes along, you're out on the town. The midnight movie is

the best around.

The villain dressed in black and the hero in white.

A pretty girl saving the show's out of sight.

Rockin' at the movies on Saturday night.

Yeah.

Rockin' and rollin' at the movies on Saturday night.

Holy Toledo, look at those milk bottles.

She's a one-woman dairy farm.

I can't go in there. I've got a boner.

Excuse me. Excuse me, miss.

Can I get your attention?

Jeepers. It's her.

Look,

over there. It's the sweater girl from Mars.

It's her. There she is.

I'll bet she's got nipples big as flapjacks.

Who? Her.

Where?

I don't see anybody.

Here, can you hold this?

How about some sugar tasty cakes?

Why don't you kiss some whore dog sorority girl, college man?

Come on, we don't want to miss the start.

Bye.

You'll share man's greatest thrill as you rocket through space to the lost

moon city of alluring ferocious cat women.

Theirs is the fevered fury of life without love, goading them to lure men

into the den of bloodthirsty moon monsters, driving them to tempt men in

the deadly cave of moon gold, flaming into a wild lust to conquer man and

destroy the world.

We saw this with our own eyes.

An object the like of which we had never seen before.

A frightening, strange shape descending from outer space with relentless

purpose. Where did it come from?

And what did it want of us?

Hello! Hello!

Hello! Hello! It's an aircraft, all right, but like nothing I've ever seen

before. Hello! What do you mean? Hello! Hello!

It's like something from another planet!

Commander-in-Chief of the Space Patrol.

This week's exciting serial chapter, Back from the Future.

Colonel Carlyle, Senior Commanding Officer of Terror Station, mentor of Dr.

Baccarati, and promoter of time travel, whose wife throws boring dinner parties.

Dr. Sylvia Van Buren, beautiful, dedicated astrophysicist.

and friend of dr baccarati whose designs and theories made time travel possible

commander corey famed space ace adventurer womanizer and heroic guardian

of the space lanes namesake but no relation to the fuzz corey now living in

retirement in miami

Cadet Happy Mead, golden boy cadet, heartthrob of the ladies' powder room,

and the one cadet chosen to work under Commander Corey. Because of his nutty

pranks, his friends call him Hot Nuts Happy.

Carol Carlisle, winner of the misguided missile pageant, former Herbalife

salesperson, now fashion coordinator for someone.

What she lacks in brains, she makes up in beauty.

She is very, very beautiful.

Dr. Baccarati, a brilliant, greedy, time-warped inventor, former child star

and slumlord, and now an evil despot, bent on conquering the universe with his

time machine and army of indestructible robots.

Sonny Wilson, the original space cadet of the 1950s, whose mind is contacted by

the Space Patrol.

to assist Commander Corey.

In the year 2086, space exploration of Jupiter and Saturn had begun.

Probing devices were penetrating Uranus to crack its dark and hidden interior.

Giant space stations cruised in these orbits, supporting life for these brave

men and women of the Space Patrol.

as they trek towards the stars and amazing adventure.

Terror Control, this is Commander Corey aboard the Terror Six.

Request docking instructions.

Go past the third radar dish, take a sharp left, and drop into the first hole

you see.

Darling, treat old Tex right.

You know I'm sweet on you.

I'm sorry, Dr. Baccarati, I didn't recognize you. You're only doing your

little job, keeping out the sightseers and the riffraff.

Open the door, please.

I must see your authorization.

You know me. That should be sufficient.

Doctor, now not even you can be admitted without...

Are you sure this movie won't frighten Junior?

The Russians have the bomb now, dear.

Junior must learn that the world can be a pretty frightening place.

What a jerk.

There will be a movie, Riders to the Stars, shown in Video Theater 6 at 19

.30 this evening.

There will be a movie, Riders to the Stars, shown in Video Theater 6 at 19.30

this evening.

Flight Commander Stone, report to Bay 16 as soon as possible.

Flight Commander Marjorie Stone.

report to bay 16 as soon as possible major bright please pick up

video phone 19.

major bright please pick up video phone 19.

are we alive

Yes, Master.

TD-1, you are unscheduled for departure.

Congratulations, Cadet Meade. Thank you, Dr. Forrester.

Do you have any idea how fortunate you are to be born into an age where

anything within the realm of the imagination is possible?

Except keeping the cadets out of the greenhouse.

They have such a weakness for strawberries.

As you know, this evening has a rather special

significance.

For some time ago, an incredible set of circumstances brought us to the brink of

a monumental scientific discovery.

A discovery that will enable us to walk the prehistoric Earth.

To observe firsthand the giant reptiles of the dinosaur age.

To witness the evolution of man and even to look into the future.

In short, to cross the last frontier of science and go beyond the time barrier.

Come on, Colonel. That sounds like science fiction to me. Not science

fiction. Science fact.

Sylvia, this is more your department.

This discovery...

is the culmination of years and years of research it was headed by our very own

dr frederick who at this very moment is working out the time transfer factor to

program the td1 for its first test flight what's the td1 time disc one it's

the first manned research craft capable of both cosmic and atmospheric flight

with the power to travel through time Are you actually telling me that human

beings could travel through the time barrier?

You mean that every past moment is captured and still exists somewhere in

time? Precisely. The theory is as old as Einstein.

Why, the intellect of man could leap ahead a thousand years.

Are you sure man's ready for that kind of knowledge?

It's more fun being surprised, don't you think?

Well, Mr. H.G. Wells, when do you plan to leave in this time machine of yours?

As soon as possible.

Robert, how do you know that this time clock will work?

History?

History tells us.

Tells us what, Doctor? Well, there are reports of strange and inexplicable

sightings in the skies in both the B.C. and the A.D. time frames.

And the greatest number of these sightings were in the fifth decade of

the 20th century.

I love old-time movies.

I've seen The War of the Worlds a dozen times.

But yet you're telling me that the TD-1 is a... Our ancestors called them flying

saucers.

Then who on Terra would want to ride in one of those things anyway?

Well, boy, I'd like to.

I want to propose a toast.

To Dr. Baccarati.

The man who conquered time with a machine that will enable us to reach out

into time and space and possibly immortality.

How very nice of you to finally honor us with your presence.

Sorry, sir.

I need to speak with you. Right now?

Yes, sir. All right.

Would you excuse us?

Certainly.

Corey, couldn't this have waited until after the command dinner?

I just announced the first test flight.

I'm afraid you're too late for that, sir. What do you mean?

The first flight's been made.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Within the past 30 minutes, Baccarati left in the TD-1.

It came back empty.

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

Well, where'd he go?

You tell me.

Well, you know, it doesn't make any sense.

I mean, why would he on this night of triumph take off in his machine and

vanish? I don't know. Can't have him interfering with history.

We've got to do something.

Right.

What?

It doesn't make any sense.

All right, Corey.

I'm assigning you and your new cadet to accompany Dr. Carlisle on a mission to

rescue our esteemed scientist.

Accompany Dr.

Carlisle? Right.

Look, she's been in on this from the very beginning.

That's why she's here. I respectfully request that you assign someone more

qualified to this mission.

Commander?

You are eminently qualified.

Request denied.

To time travel.

This

tastes

funny. Is this that new Coke?

Oh, I think it's Pepsi.

Oh, darling.

over the one-eyed muff torpedo wants to go to tuna land tonight

i'm

still hungry snookums how about some more

doris

go ahead and close up the box office okay

Jesus Christ, man. Clean up your fucking act.

I'll be up in my office working.

Call me if anything happens.

You see, the TD-1 was actually designed and developed over a decade ago by

scientists here and at White Sands, New Mexico.

Can you tell us how it works? I think I know enough to be able to tell you what

to do. What is he doing on Earth?

Actually, we don't know.

But the memory banks are correlating all past occurrences in this particular time

frame. We hope to have that information momentarily. What is the time frame?

Between 1947 and 1960.

We do know this.

Whatever Baccarati's identities are, The results are not apparent at this time.

So we could be living in borrowed time?

Well, in a manner of speaking, Carol.

A minor point.

Who's going to teach me how to pilot this thing?

Well, there's nothing in your direct control.

Everything has been pre-programmed and guided by OIC.

What's OIC?

Well, it's quite simple, Commander.

Organic Intelligence Control. The coupling of electronic and organic

intelligence.

This is an experimental flight.

What if we don't return?

Actually, we don't know.

Naturally, we would do everything in our power to find you.

Thank you very much. This is what we've been waiting for.

Yeah, here we are.

Here it says, on September 18th, 1947, Frederick Baccarati filed and paid

federal taxes on a mining business and something called the Burlicue.

Says he took out a marriage license with an exotic interpretive dancer by the

name of Tonga. He did what?

Well, Commander, if you find him, please keep in mind he is one of our most

brilliant minds.

I know him as a kind and gentle human being. I don't share your opinion.

He killed two of my friends.

Well, there are no more questions.

We'll watch your departure from here.

Good luck.

Thus, Commander Corey, Cadet Happy, and Carol Carlyle are about to begin a

dangerous and exciting journey to ancient Earth to capture and return Dr.

Baccarati back to the future.

Oh, I

see. They tell me you can talk.

That is correct.

Identify yourself.

Cory, commander of this mission.

Who are the others?

I'm Carol Carlyle. They call me Happy.

Oh, I see. We're ready.

Please take your positions now.

I am starting the time frame transfer sequence.

Terra Control to TD-1, you are cleared for departure.

Prepare for departure.

Wow! What great special effects!

What up, silly?

Come on, baby. What did you bring me up here for?

To look at the stars.

Stars? I can see stars in my backyard.

Want a beer?

Alcohol lowers one's resistance in certain situations.

Besides, I hardly know you.

Come on, baby, we're wasting time. Why don't you take off that sweater?

You're so horny. Just don't stop.

Hey, what's wrong with me?

Well, if you want a girl that lets you take liberties, why don't you go get

Joyce Snorton?

What did you say her name was? And if you think I'm going to be a pushover on

the first date, you've got another thing coming.

Well, how about your last date?

I didn't put out then either.

Oh, come on. I'm just kidding.

Really? Really.

I really am glad you asked me out, though.

Yeah? Yeah.

Getting kind of tired of Ralph.

Ralph? Who's Ralph?

Nice daddy.

He's older.

Wouldn't he kind of mind us being out here all alone?

Not unless he finds out. He's at the state judo finals.

Judo? Isn't that fighting?

So dumb.

All he likes to do is mash people.

Mash people?

Gosh, it sure is getting kind of late. I got to get home.

Sunny Wilson, one of our operatives has been assigned to assist you while on

Earth.

What was that?

Attention crew, final preparations are underway for landing.

Local time is 10 p.m.

Temperature, 68 degrees.

Please remain in the upright position until the craft has come to

a complete stop.

I hear these things rob the electricity.

You are now free to move about the cabin.

Commander, there are three intruders at the ship's perimeter.

I got a tire iron in the trunk.

Where do you suppose it's from?

Well, there's no doubt about it. It's definitely from outer space.

One of them has retrieved a metal object, possibly a weapon.

Well, what are we going to do, Commander?

Wait a minute, I got an idea.

I don't like this.

I wish I had my dad's shotgun.

What if they have their ray guns?

You break out the hardware.

Yes, sir.

This is just like that movie.

I wish it was a movie.

Shit, me too.

We come to visit in peace and friendship.

Careful, Commander. There's someone behind that tree. All right, you. Come

out from behind that tree.

Lester! Drop your weapons.

Where are you from?

Where do you think?

Outer space.

Commander, we're going to need their clothes.

We're going to attract too much attention in these.

What do you want from us?

We need your clothes.

Our clothes?

Quickly, remove your clothes.

Me too?

You first.

You heard the man.

Remove your clothes.

If Ralph were here, this wouldn't have happened.

Well, to hell with Ralph. Take off your clothes. This is going to ruin my

reputation.

I spat a little stink on the dink, baby duck.

You dander, Cory.

I can't stand it. Oh, my grapefruit-chested temptress.

I love you.

My dick's harder than Chinese arithmetic.

Shh. What are you yakking about, Rodney?

She's back.

Forget it, Eugene.

You're an idiot.

Which way is it to town? I'd be happy to show you, or both of you, either one at

a time or both at once.

How do you pilot this thing?

Turn the key. Here.

Let me show you.

First, put your hand here.

Called the gear shift.

You put it into P.

That stands for part.

Then you take this.

It's called a key.

It's called the ignition.

Then you turn it.

See, that starts your motor.

That's basic.

Do you feel the motor running?

I think so.

Oh, what about you? We're wasting time.

Where are the landing lights?

That's the knob right there. Let me show you. Put your hand... Put your hand

right there and just pull.

See? Wasn't that easy?

Could you point that out again? Certainly. We thank you very much for

your help and your inspiration.

There's just one thing more. What's that?

Well, it isn't every day that one meets a man from Mars.

How about one little kiss? Something I could tell my grandkids about?

What about Ralph?

The hell with Ralph.

Commander, kissing spreads germs. The least you could do after taking my

clothes.

She may have a point. Well, I'll take the chance, sir.

Okay.

Now, we've got to be going.

Where did you learn to kiss like that?

I ran the kissing booth at the church fundraiser.

Okay, we've really got to be going.

Listen, if you find the town a little dull, just remember my phone number.

Butterfield 8, 4079.

Your many charms or to see how I treasure

being In your arms, I forget the world around

me as I gaze into your

With no arms to hold me, no eyes to... Junior, give Mommy some more popcorn.

Junior?

Where's Junior?

I don't know.

Darkness wouldn't fool me. I'd be lonely all my days.

Junior, what have you gotten into?

Don't ever wander off like that again.

Come on, we're leaving.

The movie's terrible.

I've never seen a film like this before.

See the invaders from Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy

the Earth.

See the invaders from Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy

the Earth.

See the invaders from Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy

the Earth. See the invaders from Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to

destroy the Earth. Is there a girl on the show named Tonga? She's a dancer.

An exotic and tricky one.

We don't have that kind of entertainment, lady.

You'll have to go down the street to the burly queue.

Which way is that?

Thanks a lot.

They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy our Earth.

Identify yourself.

Sunny Wilson.

Find Commander Cory immediately.

Instruct him to abort mission.

He must not contact Dr. Baccarati.

What will happen?

Look for a blue convertible.

There is danger.

Don't worry.

I'll find him.

Quick,

give me the nickel.

Operator, give me the Air Force.

Air Force security.

Where'd this one land? On the courthouse steps?

Hey, I stole your clothes at Inspiration Point.

Yours and your girlfriend's.

That's a good one. Hey, try telling that to her old man.

Hey, listen, buddy.

There's no flying saucer at Inspiration Point.

Now, just go home and face the music. And stop bothering me.

There's nothing they can do.

What am I gonna do? I can't go home dressed like this.

You can go home with me.

See the invaders from Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy

our Earth.

See the invaders from Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy

the Earth.

One child's ticket, I presume.

No, but did you see the people that were in that blue convertible?

Yeah, they were looking for a strip show with that, uh, what's-her-name, Tonga.

Where'd they go?

Down the street to the Barley Q.

see our Mars movie.

Sorry, lady, not tonight.

See the invaders, Mr. Mars. They're eight foot tall. They're here to destroy

the Earth.

This is heaven caressing you, pressing you close to

my heart.

Darling, you're as grand as very few.

This is heaven, I'm near to you.

I'm in love, am I making it clear to you?

Won't you please believe me when I say that you

are sweet as a song.

You're as sweet as a song.

For you possess all the warm tenderness of all Lang Syne.

Sweet as a tune, serenade to the moon.

You'll always be like the quaint harmony of sweet Adeline.

Sweet as a song.

of trees your lovely reprise of kiss me again

darling as

long

as you remain a haunting refrain

Sweet as a song,

you're as sweet as a song.

You're a chorus of trees, you're a lovely reprise of...

Happy? Happy?

Excuse me, are you Tonga?

In the flesh.

I suppose you want an autograph.

Well, yes. And a little information.

About me, of course.

Say, you ain't half bad.

Come on in.

I'll give you all the information you want.

Who do I remind you of?

I don't know. I'm not from around here.

Marilyn Monroe, of course.

Everyone says that I look like Marilyn, and I have the same type of giggle.

Well, who's Marilyn Monroe?

Who's Marilyn Monroe?

Well, she's the greatest movie star ever.

Didn't you see? See Niagara?

No, I don't go to the movies. I'm a scientist.

Oh.

Oh.

I just love scientists.

Miss Tonga.

Science is what brought me here.

Oh.

Well,

Miss Tonga.

Do you know where I can find a doctor's baccarati? Ready? Sure.

What do you want him for, anyway?

Is he in some kind of trouble or something?

No, just a little business.

Well, you'll have to go through me for any information.

Well, okay, Miss Tonga.

Drop the mystery boat and let's get down to brass tacks.

You and me.

What's the matter?

I got bad breath or something?

No, not really.

Don't you know how to kiss?

That's an old custom, isn't it?

Yeah, since the day one. How far out in the sticks are you from, anyway?

What are you thinking about?

When are we going to meet Dr. Baccarati?

Get lost!

What do you want?

Don't go away.

I'll be right back.

It's probably just an admirer.

I'll be back.

Right, golden boy.

That was a message from Freddy.

He wants to meet you.

Your friends have already left this place. Let's go.

teach that creep.

Better slow down Miss Tonga. Don't worry.

Why'd you stop?

Stay put.

I'll handle this.

Say, what is this?

I'm asking the questions, now open the trunk.

Why, you little pipsqueak. Just open the trunk. Or else I'll... Or you'll what?

You and who's army?

Open the trunk or I'll blast your tits off.

Attaboy, Sonny. Hey, what's... Commander!

Baby makes three.

Oh, in this case.

Oh, my.

Good boys.

Howdy, pal.

What's going on?

A midnight ride to the laboratory, darling.

Oh, baby.

I'm horning a three-ball Tomcat on a Saturday night.

Okay.

Tex, don't!

I have to tell you something.

Not tonight, Cupcake.

Back again?

Breathe, breathe, breathe

Well, shit, that doesn't beat all.

It's not often that we entertain so interesting a group of guests.

I must think of a way to welcome them to my little piece of terror on Earth.

A commander of the Space Patrol, a baby blue cadet, and a very pretty lady.

Very pretty indeed.

It's a shame I must remove the lovely creature's brains, but I need them in

rather large quantity.

Why don't we start with hers?

We're not ready. One of them is still at large.

You mean that little brat? with the blaster?

Well,

you'll never find him in these caves.

No, but the automatons will.

What's that, hon?

Oh, you'll see, dearest.

Attention!

Boy, the Atomatron certainly are atomic.

Aren't they, Rodney?

Thank you.

Good boy, sonny!

Out of my way!

The last thing I do, I'm gonna kill that kid!

There's my brain for the time, disc!

I'm having so much fun now!

Oh, my mammoth, mammaried love monkey.

You have returned.

Eugene, she's back. She's back.

Looks like fish, kid.

Always causing trouble.

Tonight, honey, I'm having a visit for my friend.

Huh?

I got the curse.

My period.

You've got the curse. The curse is on me.

You have more periods than a stack of dime store novels.

Jesus Christ, you bleed more than a hemophilic in a briar patch.

Where are you going?

Another night of bonking my own baloney.

What evil magic is this?

Will the time disc leave its crew trapped in the past?

Will Baccarati take the beautiful Carol for his bride?

And will Tonga have her way with Happy?

Will Sonny Wilson survive mutilation and decapitation?

Where will Baccarati go next?

For the answers, see next week's exciting episode, Up to Your Anus!

Thumbs up for a true marvel of the filmmakers art.

Don't you agree, Rodney?

Rodney?

Rodney?

Rodney?

Rodney?

Rodney? Rodney?

Are you in there?

Guess not.

Rodney?

Rodney? Where the hell are you?

Rod!

Why would he walk out on a cinematic extravaganza like that?

Fat Geek never did have any taste.

Here's an update on that flying saucer and smelly monster story we reported

earlier

The authorities now believe that the entire thing was an elaborate publicity

stunt to promote a new science fiction picture playing in area drive-in

theaters. In other news, here's what's happening all around Southern

California.

Gee, what happened?

Beauty killed the Beast.

Thus, our world was saved, not by atomic warfare, but by the appetite of a 300

-pound suburban housewife.

The Martians, realizing that cannibalism is rampant on Earth, are looking at

other worlds in which to conquer.

Mankind is safe, at least for the present.

It's almost twelve in that time for the flick.

Got my new car, got a big one in my jig.

I got the feeling that this timing is right. I wonder if she'll put up a

fight. Me and my baby at the movies on Saturday night.

I'm the kind of guy who likes three cars.

Rock and roll record sweater girls from Mars That's all I need, I'll be doing

alright Especially if those sweaters are tight Rockin' and rollin' at the movies

on Saturday night Yeah On Saturday night is the night to get crazy Saturday

night is the time for the show Saturday night is the midnight movie Saturday

night, come on Beverly Hills Let's stop by the steak bar, I got something to eat

The show starts at 12, gotta get in to see.

Me on the aisle and my girl on the right. Go for the blues when they turn

out the lights. Me and my baby at the movies on Saturday nights.

Wow!

And it's time for the show.

Saturday night on the Midnight Movie. Saturday night. Come on, baby, let's go.

When the weekend comes along, you're out on the town. The Midnight Movie is the

best better round. The villain dressed in black and the hero in white. A pretty

girl saving the show's out of sight.

Rockin' and rollin' at the movies on Saturday night.

Yeah.

Rockin' and rollin' at the movies on Saturday night.

Yeah.

Rollin' up the movie on Saturday night Yeah!

I can't begin to m-

Or to see how I treasure being held in your arms

I forget the world around me as I gaze into your eyes