Original subtitles

I'm sorry, I can't give you a massage at 10 a.m. on a Saturday.

I'm usually pretty hungover on Saturdays. What about, like, a Wednesday

or something instead?

Alright, well, go massage yourself then. Whatever.

Hello there, Lily.

There's, uh, something I need to talk to you about.

Um, okay.

Well, there's no easy way to say this, but I gotta let you go. Why?

I hate to be blunt here, but you are a terrible masseuse and honestly just an

all-around terrible employee.

I am great.

My customers love me.

No, no, they actually don't.

They actually really hate you. Look at the comments on our website.

These are some of the worst comments I've ever read in all my years of

running a parlor.

Oh, really?

Well, let's see these comments then. Are you sure? They're pretty bad.

Yes, I want to see them. Okay, you asked for it.

All right, let's see here.

Scroll down.

Ah, yes.

Lily doesn't seem to have any idea what she's doing.

Where did she learn how to massage? From the love child Freddy Krueger and Edward

Scissorhands? One star!

Well, those are both my favorite movies.

If you look at it that way, it's practically a compliment.

No, it's not. Okay, but we can look at another one.

Let's see. After spending an hour with Lily and her sandpaper hands, I

had to get another massage just to recover from hers. One star.

You know, I think your rating system is what's really confusing.

Maybe one star means I'm the best. Like, first place.

Oh, well, no, it's very clear one star is the lowest amount of stars you can

possibly give. Oh, someone here said they wanted to give you zero stars, but

that wasn't an option.

Sounds like they had more of a problem with your system than my massage.

No, look, you need to really pay attention and understand, I mean, how

much everyone really, really hates you. This massage was a total fail?

I'd be better off getting a massage from my grandmother? And my grandmother's

been dead! Okay, that's enough!

Are you finally getting the picture of how incredibly terrible you are? No,

this is bullshit.

I'm a good masseuse, and I can prove it to you.

How would you do that?

By giving you a massage and showing you my skills.

Okay, uh, you're on, but if you don't really impress

me, I'm gonna have to fire you.

Deal.

Hey, what the fuck? You just broke my button. This is my favorite shirt.

Well, your favorite shirt sucks.

Now you can go get a new one.

Alright.

Step inside.

A little stain never hurt anyone. Well, it hurt me!

Here. Is that better?

Nah.

Here.

Ow!

You've got soap in my eye!

Well, look on the right side.

Now your eyes will be clean.

I can't see anything!

Shower's over.

Are you ready for your relaxing and incredible massage?

Uh, yeah. I can't wait.

Ow.

That hurts.

You're supposed to use oil.

Oh, that's a really good idea, boss.

I will use massage oil for this massage.

You haven't been using oil for your massages?

You just gave me the idea right now.

Oh, now I know.

Nobody likes your massages

Yeah,

that actually feels

pretty good.

Yeah, it actually does feel a lot better with oil

All right, now turn over.

Okay, well, all done.

I hope you saw how great of a masseuse I am.

No payment necessary, because you are the boss.

Um, are you not going to give me a happy ending?

Of course not. That's against the rules.

Okay, the name of the massage parlor is literally Happy Endings. Everybody

gets one. It's kind of our thing.

Oh, well...

Okay, that makes sense.

Bye.

That's better.

So, like, they really come here for happy endings?

That's crazy.

You know, boss, I'm gonna start doing this to really up my ratings.

That's what good employees do.

This is good practice for you.

That's a good boy.

Yeah.

Stroke and suck at the same time. There we go.

Make sure you rub the balls.

Get it all in there.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

There you go.

Yep.

That's how you get the five stars.

You think I'm doing a better job?

Very, very good.

That's my good employee.

I can't do it.

Come on.

Yeah,

kick

those gold stars.

Ah!

Oh!

Fuck yeah.

Yes.

Like, put your legs up.

Oh!

It's a good girl.

It's a good girl. Who's your boss?

What the fuck?

Does that mean that I get to keep my job now?

That you see how great of a mess I am?

For now.

But if I see one more negative review, but you not fucking the customers,

you're fired.

Don't worry.

Now that I know I'm supposed to fuck every customer, I think I'm going to do

a lot better.

Good.